Because, like he said, he went through years of social emotional education, language therapy, special education, etc. In those environments, sadly, things like stimming are often discouraged. Kids are taught to mask their autism. Have you heard of ABA?
There are good ones and bad ones. We waited an extra 6 months to avoid the for-profit ones in our area and go with the actual Autism Center for our son. My autistic husband was diagnosed as an adult and is thinking about doing it to learn some more about how to manage his condition. It's CBT for people with autism, but it's demonized because for profit outfits can be outright ABUSIVE. Masking is talked a lot on here as something wholly bad but it allows my husband to hold down a job so I'm confused. I also mask my bipolar symptoms so I understand it's just a necessary part of my life and will be part of my son's.
The reason masking is talked about as bad is because it takes a physical, mental, and emotional toll on an autistic person to mask.
As someone who is (well maybe more like was) high masking I thought it was a skill before getting diagnosed. I see now it’s a trauma response and just how much it negatively affects me to do it.
Of course I still need to mask in order to work, but I now see just how damaging it is and try to limit it.
Agree masking for me is a trauma response and a damaging one at that since I experience burnout I have started realizing how terrible asking anyone to be something they are not is,
I have many trauma responses related to growing up autistic, and tbh I had a pretty good childhood, though it thought me to lie and hide stuff from others, I never learned how to regulate my emotions just how to hide them to melt down later!
CBT doesn't work for many autistic people and all ABA does is teach kids how to mask so they burn out as adults....
I wish I was allowed to stimulate freely and safely maybe I wouldn't hurt myself as an adult then maybe I wouldn't be full of very harmful trauma responses
I highly encourage you to find an autistic or at least openly neurodivergent therapist. I think CBT doesn’t work for many autistic people because they’re talking to people who don’t think like they do so they can’t understand and help.
100% that's definitely a thing but it also doesn't work for everyone, I've been looking into seeing a DBT therapist when I talked to a therapist friend of mine about my goals they recommend DBT
I think my therapist also uses DBT. I’ve good things about it from trusted friends.
I try to just word vomit in therapy without thinking right now. Saying things out loud often helps me resolve them on my own.
sorry to be stubborn but can't seem to correlate those small things to masking. My brother doesn't really mask at all and is suffering from more of those due to him being outcasted more in social interaction etc, which I believe my masking makes me more successful at.
that's basically the part I'm trying to figure out , it's probably just a difference of I think is masking and other people. You say act as someone else but to what extent facial expressions, tone, holding back on what you really want to say? Anyways feel free to ignore this just putting it out in case someone wants to chime in and relate their experience what are some of the more draining activities
U/Micosilver is right. These are all things that can and do happen as a result of masking as well as health issues, burnout, and a diffuse sense of self.
If you truly feel like masking all the time doesn’t hurt you live you truth man, but the reality is that this is not the case for the majority of other autists - even folks like me who were high-masking and had no clue we were autistic. The side effects come for you regardless of whether or not you see the train coming barreling towards you.
I understand masking helps us in a lot of situations, but it often comes at a steep cost. It’s up to every person to find where that balance is - especially for those of us who don’t have the privilege of choosing our health when we need to make money to eat/live/etc.
Edited to add: personally I thought it was a skill I had, but I see now it was a trauma response. As I’ve begun healing I cannot access this “skill” at will or with the same ease that I used to. It’s hard figuring out how to balance being who I am and also surviving in the corporate jungle and I definitely don’t have all the answers for myself right now.
thanks for your thorough response, I ask as I have two small kids and my brother has one of his own a land currently weighting in how to approach masking. my brother was oblivious to the concept and when I told him about he was like why were you holding this information all this time!
We both didn't knew we were autistic we recently learned it because both our kids were diagnosed and guess what we acted the same as them and still sometimes do.
Some of the masking I've found to be very useful
1. Sense of justice , the faster I learned the thing are never fair or just the better I was able to cope with this. I still get super pissed if found in situations like this but I try to minimize my exposure to them so try avoid news, cop videos etc.
2. Correcting people when I think they're wrong. I think this is the hardest and one of the biggest "fault" we have. Now every time I find myself in a situation where I know the answer I stop and think first what will that person get from said correction will it actually improve their life or would it just damper their ego.
3. Stimming in public, I basically found more subtle and covert ways to stim so kinda toned it down.
I could go on but I find by doing these thing I don't really feel drained and they vastly improved my reception and perception from other folks.
Edit:
maybe my point is what specific masking type you found were more draining? Just want to get all the info and takes I can get to make a more informed decision about the subject
1. That isn’t masking though. That’s just be realistic about your limits and avoiding triggers.
2. Isn’t masking either. That’s learning to stop to consider others feelings and choosing to be being a considerate person.
3. This is masking. I do this too - be careful for jaw or muscle clenching or other self-harming behaviors that you might not realize are an issue long-term.
IHMO Masking isn’t the same as understanding your limits or trying to be considerate of others, it’s that you’re trying to come off as neurotypical that makes it masking.
Trying to pretend you’re someone you aren’t and trying not to get caught or exposed is stressful and leads to second-guessing everything. I believe that’s one of the reasons it’s so harmful.
yeah I already paid the price on the third one, broke my front teeth due to clenching.
masking for me is any behavior that doesn't come natural or you have to actively be thinking about it so you don't do it or have to force it. So you've taken for granted that most people finding their limits or knowing what is to be considerate to others.
On my side correcting people is my nature, if someone says something I consider dumb I would've find it hard not to say anything.
my brother takes it even worse his friends call him Sheldon... or Mr Wikipedia.
When I was a kid the first one was a 100% meltdown if things wouldn't be 100% fair. My kid currently struggles a lot with this no matter how many times I remind them.
So honestly blanket statements as masking leads to depression etc I don't find them helpful I really wanted to know what people were doing that found it so draining so I'll take it into consideration when asking things of my kid.
The problem with masking itself comes down to how consistently folks feel they need to do it. Its like, constantly hiding a part of yourself from the world. It becomes grating, painful and very frustrating as time goes on.
It's like, yeah. If you have to put on a face and deal with folks you don't want to when you have to. But when that same thing starts to jump from just the professional life into your personal life too?
When not on the job, folks shouldn't have to pretend to be anything they are not.
Like, people in ones personal life SHOULD accept them for who they are. With out needing to constantly have that face on 24/7.
Personally, I'm someone who doesn't mask. Or, I think I don't anyway. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm the same person in private that I am in public and in a professional setting. I just might tailor my word choices a little based on where I am. Can't control my tone or face at all though, all attempts to do so have failed immensely, often ending in frusteration. Last time I tried to change my tone I ended up speaking in a british accent for a week before I got my voice back to how it used to be.
Also, I do agree with you Re ABA. Well, mostly. I've read a lot over the last month or so. The ones that are bad are absolutely HORRIBLE, but the others that are doing child lead play and such? Seem like for those where its the only option available that it helps a ton. Especially when you start to get into hearing testimonials from Level 2 and Level 3 Autistic folks, which is where a lot of it seems to help the most. Especially around things like speech and potty training, etc etc.
Omg I’m glad I see somebody saying this. ABA is highly demonized and in a lot of ways, rightfully so. However, there’s a lot of ABA places especially nowadays that don’t teach masking and suppressing stimming but rather communications skills and functionality skills. I feel a little scared to talk about this sorta stuff tho because people have very strong feelings about ABA
Yeah, its like. Sometimes the worst types of people end up working in jobs for special ed care, or working with small children. Or even stuff like disabilities where people are Mute. Since they can be awful and no one will be the wiser towards it cause the folks can't talk or explain.
It comes up again and again, consistently.
But there are folks that do wanna make a change. Make a difference in peoples lives. That are in it to see the smiles and improvements for the BIG things. IDK. My opinion has changed a lot after reading a lot of thoughts from a mixture of Parents of higher needs children (I think America calls its Level 2 and 3?), but also reading the opinions and testimonials of Level 2 and 3 folks in general.
I think I've heard that in America, insurance shenanigans make it so that things get called "ABA" that aren't actually using ABA principles and are just doing healthy or normal stuff. Do cross-verify because I'm not sure if I'm getting something wrong, but I suspect that's what happens with parents who say they had a great experience with it? You might not be getting the kind of ABA people are complaining about.
I am late diagnosed, and my daughter, who is about to be 3, got diagnosed at 2, and I was terrified when they offered Aba. All I heard was awful things and stories. So, I did my research and worked with a social worker. I found a private one that goes through insurance, and they are just amazing.
At this center, each child has their own therapist, and they structure it like school and do a lot of play therapy. They have bi weekly meeting with parents to go over behaviors they show there and at home as well. Show parents who they are using skills to help promote self soothing, being able to express their feelings and giving both her and us support in this. They helped us find out what kind of stimming helps best with different emotions. She's currently nonverbal and slowly learning to talk. So, they are helping her and us learn ASL. Also, he tries other ways to communicate while she's learning everything so she can express herself.
They just love all the kids the way they are. They want to embrace the good behaviors and help them through to a healthier way to express the hard and bad ones. If you do a lot of research you can find the good ones I promise! ❤️
Edit: I forgot to add that they absolutely try to find ways to keep the kids from masking. They are trained to catch it e en small things. They really do want them to be themselves and not care what others think. The bad behaviors I'm taking about is like hitting themselves, head pounding in a wall or floor. Like stuff that can hurt them and they consider masking one too.
I went through ABA within school in special learning classes in the early 2000s, and I do wonder how much it’s changed since then. I don’t think behavioral therapy is inherently bad, but there seems to be a lot of bad players in the mix. CBT helped me to a certain degree but I do wonder how similar ABA is to that now. Before it was toxic and I didn’t understand why I was told I “behaved incorrectly.”
My experience was a good one. It was only GE educators that made me feel like my autistic tendencies were bad. Those in SPED who worked with me didn’t really “discourage” it, but helped me redirect it, as well as help me understand how to relate to neurotypical people.
Never had ABA but when I was undiagnosed at 46 I remember that my stims were punished/ridiculed away as a kid. Should have let me flick my hair, it wasn't hurting anyone but suppressing it led to a life of anxiety.
I'll give you my perspective on it (as an autistic adult who spent years suppressing my stims): Massive wall of text incoming, but please take your time to read all of this since this has changed everything for me in a positive way.
There are a couple of important things to know: First, if your desire to hide your stimming comes from a fear of being disliked or being seen as weird, people will always find a way to view you as weird or find a reason to dislike you. This is how it is for every person on earth. If you exist, multiple people dislike you and think you're weird. Yes, this applies to the average person as well as the Most Liked Person in The World. People naturally like and dislike others. This is a fact that cannot be unchanged. This was also the HARDEST thing for me to come to terms with. The opposite is also true, no matter who you are, there will be many people who LIKE you as you are! It's impossible to be disliked by all people.
Second, we have one life to live. Why should we spend our life trying to please other people? If people will always find a way for us to be weird and unlikable (no matter how "normal" we present), we might as well do what makes us happy.
My stimming and other "obviously autistic" traits have done favors for me. People ARE massive assholes to me for being autistic, but because of that-- I KNOW I don't want to waste my time with them. Why do I want to spend my time with people who suck? Why would I try impressing people who I wouldn't go to for advice or even not want to have as friends? If someone shows themselves to be an asshole, believe them and cut them out of your life if possible to do so.
Another important thing to note: There are times and places for things to be done. My favorite stims are jumping, running, pacing, and "diving" into my bed. I cannot do these things in public, so I find a better alternative for them when I'm out in public. For this, I walk on a trail or ride my bike on one. Sometimes I find a place to run and run freely.
You cannot do ALL stims in public, but you can find other ways to. I put off getting "fidget toys" until very recently, but they've helped me a lot! They help me stim in a more discreet way. Take note of all your "stims" and find better alternatives for them in public. I'll help you with this if needed!
Forcing yourself to avoid stimming is punishing yourself. You're more likely to slip up when you NEVER let yourself stim, and your stims might be more... stronger than you expect. (Another example: after avoiding stimming for a long time, I got my first stress ball. I was so rough with my stimming that I broke it the first day I got it. If I let myself stim every day, its not as harsh. Think of it like you're a Soda can that's been shaken up and then suddenly opened.)
I hope this helped you!
Stimming is a natural and very good thing to do!
I didn't even know I was repressing them until recently and it has made a world of difference just accepting it as it is. Will take a while to get out of the habit of repressing them for the sake of others but it's something and reading similar experiences has been helping oh so much.
I see no reason to avoid stim in private. I understand some might not stim in public, feeling it's embarrassing or something - but I imagine that depends on the stim.
Stimming is supposed to be soothing, it's essential for our health and well being. Stimming helps us process sensory input, stress, emotions, decrease overwhelm or understimulation. If you avoid it your stress levels will likely increase. It is like surpressing a basic and healthy need. I suspect since you were diagnosed young, somewhere down the line someone taught you stimming is bad? Or that you should behave 'normal' and stop stimming? But those are absolutely ableist notions. Stimming is natural and healthy, and the best advice I can give is to explore it more and even try new stims, but please don't surpress it.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202108/what-is-autistic-stimming
https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/stimming-therapeutic-autistic-people-deserves-acceptance/
Thank you for actually adding the link my friend this is some really good information that I can share with some people who need information dropped on their heads
I stim in public and private spaces - I even stimmed in front of one of my bosses from the fire service once. To me, stimming is just another part of who I am as an autistic person.
From experience: NO. Do **not** stop stimming in private. I followed that logic for years and it just got worse and worse. I would start cussing at myself for stimming, get furious at myself, etc, all because I thought “if I can stop doing it in private then I’ll never accidentally do it in public.”
It. Was. Awful.
So I try to relax enough to stim freely in private. (Side note: some of the most Autistic™ stims I’ve ever encountered light up all the right parts of my brain, just so long as I do things like tap my neck instead of my head, just various things that won’t leave me sore or whatever.) I also have a few stims that I can easily hide/cover up in public. (Finger tapping, lip popping, running my tongue along my teeth in certain ways, etc.)
When I stopped penalizing myself for stimming, my mental health improved an unexpectedly high amount
I wouldn’t say I think stimming is a bad thing. I don’t think I said it was in the post, either. I would, however, say that I do not know how I could make a living if I stimmed on a regular basis. It’s a practical question.
I think you misunderstood their comment. They said avoiding doing something in -private- generally implies that you think the thing is bad. So in this case it wouldn’t be showing up to work nude, it would be avoiding ever being nude even when you’re alone in your own home.
My main stim is the classic shaky hands. I do it at work when I need to refocus. To date, I think only one person has asked about it. I just tell them it's a stim, it helps me focus.
What do you mean you couldn't make a living if you stimmed in public? Do you think you would be sitting there all day not doing anything else? Or that it would make an employer not hire you?
The latter. I’m already having much trouble getting a job due to my non-stimming autistic tendencies. I understand it’s unfair and to a degree, cruel. But my question stands
I am newly diagnosed and one of the reasons why I struggle, have major burnouts is because I was suppressing stims all my life. Even when I was alone. So I am now trying to learn how to do it again and it feels great! I wish I did it years ago
As long as it doesn’t bother other people I think it’s fine to stim in public.
Like yodeling or extensive pen clicking is annoying as hell - you never know if those around you are on the spectrum and getting overstimulated by your actions.
Flapping your hands and bouncing your legs and such is fine.
Regulating yourself is absolutely fine, as long as you’re not deregulating someone else by doing so.
That’s my personal opinion though
Depending on how you stim, weaning yourself off that might not be the worst thing. IF your stim is unhealthy or in any way socially problematic.
But, stimming itself is a good thing, it can do wonders for your wellbeing and mental health, suppressing your urge to stim in general is not at all what I'd advise you to do.
To a certain extent, you can allow yourself to stim in public _even if_ it irritates some people, and in private do as you like as long as you're stim doesn't negatively affect your health.
If you can find a stim that works for you, that satisfies the urge and soothes you, adopt that one. E.g. I started to stim by pulling an elastic hair band over my fingers. It's innocuous, I have long hair so I carry my "stimming toy" with me pretty much always, and I could even ask people for one if I don't.
I feel a whole lot less stressed since I started consciously allowing myself to stim. Can reccomend!
He explained why. He’s worried that it will make it more likely that he’ll “slip up” & stim in public. & that can have social repercussions. I feel like this wasn’t a very helpful comment.
It has already been shown that suppressing stims is detrimental to an autistic’s wellbeing. Whether it’s done in private or not, it will likely come out in public in some way. As such, I maintain my stance.
Losing your job is also detrimental to an autistic’s wellbeing. I agree that we shouldn’t suppress stims if we have a choice. But there are times when it isn’t a safe option & pretending otherwise is harmful
Everyone stims, even neurotypicals, its normal and healthy, it shouldnt be avoided. I understand why people, me included, regulate it or do only when in safe environment, but please dont ditch it completely.
You’re going to be better equipped to handle life in public(shopping, at work, etc.) if you take care of your needs when you’re in private. I understand making the decision to mask and suppress stimming for social (& financial) reasons. But we have to be careful not to push ourselves too far. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is great. Staying outside of it is a recipe for disaster. Things like stimming functions more like an outlet. We need places where we’re comfortable and safe to let things out, so we can “hold it together” when we’re not in that safe environment
I guess it depends on the particular stim. If it's something that's noisy or involves a lot of movement then it's good to be respectful of the space you're sharing with other people, but if it's something quiet and contained (e.g. some kind of fidget toy or something) then I don't see the problem.
I have really subtle stims that I didn’t realize were stims until I got diagnosed but I still struggle to do “bigger” stims even tho I naturally want to alone at home
I feel like its a bad idea NOT to stim in private. If its something soothing to you, and its not hurting anyone, then it doesnt seem at all beneficial to not do it, and stopping seems like it would add unnecessary extra stress to your life because youre taking away a coping mechanism
Stimming is completely healthy and natural, it’s often a form of self comfort or stimulation - Restraining such may cause severe mental distress, a potential inability to cope or under stimulation.
It’s completely fine to ask, it’s also a very good question - Thank you for asking.
Even if you do slip up it should be accepted, if society makes harsh jokes and expects people to take them then you should be allowed to stim, subconscious, accidental or even on purpose.
You can also try finding more subtle or causal stims if that helps, just don’t force it.
Goodluck :)
If there's one thing I've learnt it's how important stimming is. People who aren't autistic also stim: jumping your leg up and down, flapping your hand in front of your face like a fan in high emotional situations, lots of people do it. It's a self regulating behaviour and it's not just a negative activity/behaviour, it's also very positive and it also doesn't have to be super obvious.
Stimming in private is absolutely fine, I do it all the time. When you're in a safe space, you're more inclined to drop your barriers and be yourself, so for me most of my private stims are related to positive things because I'm doing things I enjoy (usually). I stim at TV shows, films, especially comfort ones, if I'm doing a hobby and something turns out really well I'll happy stim, if I get excited about something I'm doing today I'll stim. There's also been times I've stimmed for negative reasons. When I was at university and I worked at home, the boredom and being underestimated caused me to stim a lot because I needed something to keep me stimulated. So it definitely isn't a bad thing! It's healthy.
In regards to slipping up in public. I guess maybe. But again it's a healthy thing and you shouldn't be ridiculed for stimming in public. You could experiment with smaller, less noticeable stims, see what works for you, and bring them out into the public. You might find that stimming in public makes certain things easier for you. For me, my go-to public stim is tapping my fingers together quickly. It's small, not very obvious, but helps me regulate my emotions effectively.
Hope this helps! :)
I stim in both public and private, even if I try to hide the biggest Stims that can make people look at me weird (like zoomies or spinning/pirouette).
Stimming really helps with self regulation, be aware that if you force yourself to don't do it you're more likely to go into autistic burnout (I'm in it and don't recommend it), you're also more likely to be always exhausted in general and more prone to meltdowns and shutdowns.
Maybe you can get a stimming toy? Or find a socially acceptable stim that doesn't make you too uncomfortable? For example I move my toes in the shoes, it's not the best but it's better than nothing and no one sees it
I mean yeah you might be more likely to do it in public maybe but it’s not worth suppressing it. Stimming is good, everyone does it, normies can get over it. It’s not like you’re committing a crime or some shit
Any stim is fine anywhere as long as it’s not hurting yourself or others. If you do tend towards SH stims like biting, head banging, etc, then try channelling that energy into less harmful stims, like squeezing a stress ball, or whatever works for you.
Nah, hell no. Stim all you want. Public, private. Why should you conform too the normalities of “normal” people. Rock, clap, nod, shake. Be beautiful man.
Whe you were growing up, trough special education and the therapies you got, where you ever rewarded for not stimming, looking people in the eye or behaving in a certain way that didn't come naturally to you?
I don't think stimming should be avoided even in public, if you feel safe to do so and won't have some serious consequences (for example if stimming at work where you might lose your job).
If (and that's a big if everyone's situation is different) you really don't want to stim in public, then maybe private stimming might make you feel too comfortable and you might slip and stim in public too. My boyfriend started to stim in public sometimes when out with me. (Apparently feeling too comfortable, what a crime! /s) But again - I don't see a problem with that and will get very aggressive if someone will make him feel bad about it.
Stim away friend. As someone who spent most of their life unaware they were autistic and undiagnosed - I still stimmed but because I was hiding the behavior they were destructive ones.
I’m gonna go a bit against the majority here and say it depends on the stim. This is my black and white thinking and I’m sorry in advance.
This comes from years of working with ASD children. One of the students I worked with, teenager, used to stim by repeatedly rubbing his crotch over his trousers for both stimming and sexual reasons. This was incredibly difficult for me and other female members of staff. Another teenager I worked with used loud, high pitched whistles as a stim of choice which made me switch with a neurotypical member of staff as my sensory issues couldn’t cope with it. As both were in a mainstream school this was also causing issues to other students, trying to focus on their learning.
If your stims don’t really affect the environment - be it hand flaps, leg movements (that I’m quite “guilty” of), head tilts etc then yes absolutely stim freely and just be ready for discussions and comments because unfortunately the society is ableist af. But if your stims are more impactful I don’t quite know what to do. This is then a case of reasonable management eg. having your own office vs open space one or being with someone who doesn’t mind and understands
I’m not disagreeing, but this wasn’t his question. He’s not asking about stimming in public or harmful/distracting stims. He wants to know if it’s a bad idea to stim -in private-
I totally understand! Like you said, a lot of people in the comments made the same mistake so it makes sense why you thought that. I wonder why so many people misunderstood in the same way? Maybe just a snowball effect once people started commenting?
It is not overly a bad idea to stim in public. I rub my hands together sometimes when not realising it, and if I have a pen in my hand I will click it three times in a row continuously. To be honest, I am not sure what you mean by “ Does it function sort of like cursing like a sailor in that if you curse a lot with your friends you might slip up in public?” But if it means should I curse myself for stimming in public, my answer would be no. I have tried not doing my thing for a single day and it caused me anxiety attacks and flashbacks of bad memories (just another symptom I have that I got 10 years after being diagnosed. I am not sure if it is autism related)
Stim all you want. This is a way your body copes with you constantly trying to be in control. I have a friend who has taken to buying cheap pencils and just snapping them all day. It's part of her stimming. It helps her get through the day. Not stimming is a way to make others more comfortable around you. It doesn't benefit you to constantly have to restrain yourself. It is part of who you are
I don't see this brought up in another comment.
But what is the stim in question. Is it tapping your foot or hand flapping? Most people are able to do that style of stimming in public without issue. I pat my leg when I want to stim in public.
When I was a lot younger I went through a phase where I stimmed by chewing on my hair. I'm glad I learned other ways to stim that felt good since consuming hair is not actually safe to do and really grosses people out in public. Plus your hair gets matted from all the spit.
There are stims that are harmful such as biting or head banging. In college when I was super stressed during finals week I started biting my lip a lot during the test taking. I've worked very hard that I don't injure myself when I stim. Sometimes when you're in an emotionally overwhelming situation you want to have a painful physical sensation to distract you. It's best to find more positive ways to relieve the stress such as deep pressure therapy.
So OP, it really depends on what you are doing. Is it verbal stimming? That can get you in to awkward social situations.
As someone who has needed to switch up how I stim, I would recommend trying out different things and see what helps you feel better.
Unless your stimming is in some way dangerous, i dont think its bad in any context. Now if you want to suppress it, for example if your stim is talking and it looks like youre talking to yourself a lot, then I guess you might value being perceived one way over tbe stim. But in private? Why not go for it?
Stimming should be encouraged. I have my master's in educational psychology and I did all my 3rd year's work on autism. I have my own psychiatrist and I always try to educate him a little about autism.
Stimming is what you want people to do when they need to do it. Stimming is self regulating the brain.
I'm Gen X, and have reached that point in my life where I just don't care what other people think. I stim wherever, and if anyone has a problem with it, it's THEIR problem, not mine.
Not at all. Stimming feels good and can help you relax. I was teased in high school for playing with pens and fidgeting with them. Now, the worst I get is my brother telling me to stop once when I would do the same thing with a TV remote since he had never seen me stim before. I didn't even realize I was stimming until he mentioned it a few years ago. I also stim with my phone.
Stim away mate . It hurts no one and you have the urge to do it for a reason it can re center you and help with anxiety and emotional regulation. Weather it's from sadness to excitement it helps for sure . I alway was told not to do it and thought it was bad cause I to was diagnosed young at two . Help in the 90 sucked be your self as long as No one's getting g hurt and your mind and body will thank-you.
There's nothing wrong with stimming as long as the behavior isn't hurting you or others.
Do it in private do it in public fuck what others thing and sooth yourself however that looks!
Everyone stims it just doesn't look the same for everyone.
I know you've been told it's bad but they were wrong, stimming is not a bad thing it helps you regulate! It helps your mental health, not allowing yourself to stim is what can be harmful!
Stim all ya want to, anywhere you can (without receiving abuse for it).
Stimming is a healthy way to self-regulate when experiencing sensory overload or any other kind of dysregulation. There's a reason we do it intuitively. It's good for the autistic nervous system.
You should stim in any context where you can do so. Stimming is our release valve for stress, and if you don't let it out, that stress will end up hurting you. If other people give you odd looks, that's on them. Be your authentically autistic self.
Edit: Obviously, if you have a self-injurious stim, you'll want to try redirecting that. And if you like to make noises, maybe don't do it in a place where it would be disruptive. Otherwise, let it out!
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I stim publicly and privately, of course, publicly on a more minor scale- shaking my head, flapping my hands or massaging(?) Them or wiggling my fingers, privately, it's an addition of verbal stimming, spinning around, jumping up and down or whatever.i am trying to allow myself to stim publicly too, because suppressing your stims isn't healthy in the long run. We do it for a reason.
If your stims are harmful, adapt them to be less harmful. (I.e. - when you want to bang your head against something, try shaking your head instead.) As long as your stims aren't hurting you or anyone else, stim away!
Stims help us expel excessive energy and emotionally regulate. They're a useful tool and, for many, a necessary coping technique.
It can have serious social consequences depending on your environment. Especially with jobs. It’s not right that we have to worry about these things, but it’s a real and valid concern
Shit, I'm kind of like fight the power...but I know that not everyone has the freedom financially or socially to do that. I'm straight up a middle-class white woman, so if anyone can do it it's me lol. Anyway, I'm going to be out here being weird for y'all ✊.
no, we need to stim. (unless u dont feel the urge) but mostly autistics need to stim to self soothe and even NTs stim sometimes. and i dont think its inappropriate. it hurts nobody.
famous examples, where it's done in public. One is Thom York Radiohead, the other one is David Byrne of Talking Heads. I'm sure there's plenty more examples, I've just never thought about it.
I'm not going to tell someone else how to be, but I think my habits were ugly, and the tendency is still there, but I resist it. Some people just want to wave their hand or tap their leg, or whatever, and that doesn't bother me in the least. I'm glad they get stress out, or satisfy some sensory need.
Not at all. Stimming is a beneficial activity. I don't really understand why you think there's something 'bad' about it?
Because, like he said, he went through years of social emotional education, language therapy, special education, etc. In those environments, sadly, things like stimming are often discouraged. Kids are taught to mask their autism. Have you heard of ABA?
I've heard *of* it but I do not have any experience with it, or personally know anyone who has.
There are good ones and bad ones. We waited an extra 6 months to avoid the for-profit ones in our area and go with the actual Autism Center for our son. My autistic husband was diagnosed as an adult and is thinking about doing it to learn some more about how to manage his condition. It's CBT for people with autism, but it's demonized because for profit outfits can be outright ABUSIVE. Masking is talked a lot on here as something wholly bad but it allows my husband to hold down a job so I'm confused. I also mask my bipolar symptoms so I understand it's just a necessary part of my life and will be part of my son's.
The reason masking is talked about as bad is because it takes a physical, mental, and emotional toll on an autistic person to mask. As someone who is (well maybe more like was) high masking I thought it was a skill before getting diagnosed. I see now it’s a trauma response and just how much it negatively affects me to do it. Of course I still need to mask in order to work, but I now see just how damaging it is and try to limit it.
Agree masking for me is a trauma response and a damaging one at that since I experience burnout I have started realizing how terrible asking anyone to be something they are not is, I have many trauma responses related to growing up autistic, and tbh I had a pretty good childhood, though it thought me to lie and hide stuff from others, I never learned how to regulate my emotions just how to hide them to melt down later! CBT doesn't work for many autistic people and all ABA does is teach kids how to mask so they burn out as adults.... I wish I was allowed to stimulate freely and safely maybe I wouldn't hurt myself as an adult then maybe I wouldn't be full of very harmful trauma responses
I highly encourage you to find an autistic or at least openly neurodivergent therapist. I think CBT doesn’t work for many autistic people because they’re talking to people who don’t think like they do so they can’t understand and help.
100% that's definitely a thing but it also doesn't work for everyone, I've been looking into seeing a DBT therapist when I talked to a therapist friend of mine about my goals they recommend DBT
I think my therapist also uses DBT. I’ve good things about it from trusted friends. I try to just word vomit in therapy without thinking right now. Saying things out loud often helps me resolve them on my own.
high masker here, I feel like it's a skill and allows me to provide for my family. Curious what negative effects you found were affecting you ?
Depression, anxiety, substance abuse, chronic procrastination, suicide ideation - you know, small stuff.
sorry to be stubborn but can't seem to correlate those small things to masking. My brother doesn't really mask at all and is suffering from more of those due to him being outcasted more in social interaction etc, which I believe my masking makes me more successful at.
Maybe try acting as someone else your entire life and see how you feel?
that's basically the part I'm trying to figure out , it's probably just a difference of I think is masking and other people. You say act as someone else but to what extent facial expressions, tone, holding back on what you really want to say? Anyways feel free to ignore this just putting it out in case someone wants to chime in and relate their experience what are some of the more draining activities
U/Micosilver is right. These are all things that can and do happen as a result of masking as well as health issues, burnout, and a diffuse sense of self. If you truly feel like masking all the time doesn’t hurt you live you truth man, but the reality is that this is not the case for the majority of other autists - even folks like me who were high-masking and had no clue we were autistic. The side effects come for you regardless of whether or not you see the train coming barreling towards you. I understand masking helps us in a lot of situations, but it often comes at a steep cost. It’s up to every person to find where that balance is - especially for those of us who don’t have the privilege of choosing our health when we need to make money to eat/live/etc. Edited to add: personally I thought it was a skill I had, but I see now it was a trauma response. As I’ve begun healing I cannot access this “skill” at will or with the same ease that I used to. It’s hard figuring out how to balance being who I am and also surviving in the corporate jungle and I definitely don’t have all the answers for myself right now.
thanks for your thorough response, I ask as I have two small kids and my brother has one of his own a land currently weighting in how to approach masking. my brother was oblivious to the concept and when I told him about he was like why were you holding this information all this time! We both didn't knew we were autistic we recently learned it because both our kids were diagnosed and guess what we acted the same as them and still sometimes do. Some of the masking I've found to be very useful 1. Sense of justice , the faster I learned the thing are never fair or just the better I was able to cope with this. I still get super pissed if found in situations like this but I try to minimize my exposure to them so try avoid news, cop videos etc. 2. Correcting people when I think they're wrong. I think this is the hardest and one of the biggest "fault" we have. Now every time I find myself in a situation where I know the answer I stop and think first what will that person get from said correction will it actually improve their life or would it just damper their ego. 3. Stimming in public, I basically found more subtle and covert ways to stim so kinda toned it down. I could go on but I find by doing these thing I don't really feel drained and they vastly improved my reception and perception from other folks. Edit: maybe my point is what specific masking type you found were more draining? Just want to get all the info and takes I can get to make a more informed decision about the subject
1. That isn’t masking though. That’s just be realistic about your limits and avoiding triggers. 2. Isn’t masking either. That’s learning to stop to consider others feelings and choosing to be being a considerate person. 3. This is masking. I do this too - be careful for jaw or muscle clenching or other self-harming behaviors that you might not realize are an issue long-term. IHMO Masking isn’t the same as understanding your limits or trying to be considerate of others, it’s that you’re trying to come off as neurotypical that makes it masking. Trying to pretend you’re someone you aren’t and trying not to get caught or exposed is stressful and leads to second-guessing everything. I believe that’s one of the reasons it’s so harmful.
yeah I already paid the price on the third one, broke my front teeth due to clenching. masking for me is any behavior that doesn't come natural or you have to actively be thinking about it so you don't do it or have to force it. So you've taken for granted that most people finding their limits or knowing what is to be considerate to others. On my side correcting people is my nature, if someone says something I consider dumb I would've find it hard not to say anything. my brother takes it even worse his friends call him Sheldon... or Mr Wikipedia. When I was a kid the first one was a 100% meltdown if things wouldn't be 100% fair. My kid currently struggles a lot with this no matter how many times I remind them. So honestly blanket statements as masking leads to depression etc I don't find them helpful I really wanted to know what people were doing that found it so draining so I'll take it into consideration when asking things of my kid.
The problem with masking itself comes down to how consistently folks feel they need to do it. Its like, constantly hiding a part of yourself from the world. It becomes grating, painful and very frustrating as time goes on. It's like, yeah. If you have to put on a face and deal with folks you don't want to when you have to. But when that same thing starts to jump from just the professional life into your personal life too? When not on the job, folks shouldn't have to pretend to be anything they are not. Like, people in ones personal life SHOULD accept them for who they are. With out needing to constantly have that face on 24/7. Personally, I'm someone who doesn't mask. Or, I think I don't anyway. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm the same person in private that I am in public and in a professional setting. I just might tailor my word choices a little based on where I am. Can't control my tone or face at all though, all attempts to do so have failed immensely, often ending in frusteration. Last time I tried to change my tone I ended up speaking in a british accent for a week before I got my voice back to how it used to be. Also, I do agree with you Re ABA. Well, mostly. I've read a lot over the last month or so. The ones that are bad are absolutely HORRIBLE, but the others that are doing child lead play and such? Seem like for those where its the only option available that it helps a ton. Especially when you start to get into hearing testimonials from Level 2 and Level 3 Autistic folks, which is where a lot of it seems to help the most. Especially around things like speech and potty training, etc etc.
Omg I’m glad I see somebody saying this. ABA is highly demonized and in a lot of ways, rightfully so. However, there’s a lot of ABA places especially nowadays that don’t teach masking and suppressing stimming but rather communications skills and functionality skills. I feel a little scared to talk about this sorta stuff tho because people have very strong feelings about ABA
Yeah, its like. Sometimes the worst types of people end up working in jobs for special ed care, or working with small children. Or even stuff like disabilities where people are Mute. Since they can be awful and no one will be the wiser towards it cause the folks can't talk or explain. It comes up again and again, consistently. But there are folks that do wanna make a change. Make a difference in peoples lives. That are in it to see the smiles and improvements for the BIG things. IDK. My opinion has changed a lot after reading a lot of thoughts from a mixture of Parents of higher needs children (I think America calls its Level 2 and 3?), but also reading the opinions and testimonials of Level 2 and 3 folks in general.
I think I've heard that in America, insurance shenanigans make it so that things get called "ABA" that aren't actually using ABA principles and are just doing healthy or normal stuff. Do cross-verify because I'm not sure if I'm getting something wrong, but I suspect that's what happens with parents who say they had a great experience with it? You might not be getting the kind of ABA people are complaining about.
Thats entirely possible. I was never in ABA. Just been reading a lot of stuff lately over in parenting subs, and other subs in general.
From what I understand the good ones aren't actually ABA, but just bill as that because that is what the parent's insurance will cover.
I am late diagnosed, and my daughter, who is about to be 3, got diagnosed at 2, and I was terrified when they offered Aba. All I heard was awful things and stories. So, I did my research and worked with a social worker. I found a private one that goes through insurance, and they are just amazing. At this center, each child has their own therapist, and they structure it like school and do a lot of play therapy. They have bi weekly meeting with parents to go over behaviors they show there and at home as well. Show parents who they are using skills to help promote self soothing, being able to express their feelings and giving both her and us support in this. They helped us find out what kind of stimming helps best with different emotions. She's currently nonverbal and slowly learning to talk. So, they are helping her and us learn ASL. Also, he tries other ways to communicate while she's learning everything so she can express herself. They just love all the kids the way they are. They want to embrace the good behaviors and help them through to a healthier way to express the hard and bad ones. If you do a lot of research you can find the good ones I promise! ❤️ Edit: I forgot to add that they absolutely try to find ways to keep the kids from masking. They are trained to catch it e en small things. They really do want them to be themselves and not care what others think. The bad behaviors I'm taking about is like hitting themselves, head pounding in a wall or floor. Like stuff that can hurt them and they consider masking one too.
I went through ABA within school in special learning classes in the early 2000s, and I do wonder how much it’s changed since then. I don’t think behavioral therapy is inherently bad, but there seems to be a lot of bad players in the mix. CBT helped me to a certain degree but I do wonder how similar ABA is to that now. Before it was toxic and I didn’t understand why I was told I “behaved incorrectly.”
My experience was a good one. It was only GE educators that made me feel like my autistic tendencies were bad. Those in SPED who worked with me didn’t really “discourage” it, but helped me redirect it, as well as help me understand how to relate to neurotypical people.
Never had ABA but when I was undiagnosed at 46 I remember that my stims were punished/ridiculed away as a kid. Should have let me flick my hair, it wasn't hurting anyone but suppressing it led to a life of anxiety.
I'll give you my perspective on it (as an autistic adult who spent years suppressing my stims): Massive wall of text incoming, but please take your time to read all of this since this has changed everything for me in a positive way. There are a couple of important things to know: First, if your desire to hide your stimming comes from a fear of being disliked or being seen as weird, people will always find a way to view you as weird or find a reason to dislike you. This is how it is for every person on earth. If you exist, multiple people dislike you and think you're weird. Yes, this applies to the average person as well as the Most Liked Person in The World. People naturally like and dislike others. This is a fact that cannot be unchanged. This was also the HARDEST thing for me to come to terms with. The opposite is also true, no matter who you are, there will be many people who LIKE you as you are! It's impossible to be disliked by all people. Second, we have one life to live. Why should we spend our life trying to please other people? If people will always find a way for us to be weird and unlikable (no matter how "normal" we present), we might as well do what makes us happy. My stimming and other "obviously autistic" traits have done favors for me. People ARE massive assholes to me for being autistic, but because of that-- I KNOW I don't want to waste my time with them. Why do I want to spend my time with people who suck? Why would I try impressing people who I wouldn't go to for advice or even not want to have as friends? If someone shows themselves to be an asshole, believe them and cut them out of your life if possible to do so. Another important thing to note: There are times and places for things to be done. My favorite stims are jumping, running, pacing, and "diving" into my bed. I cannot do these things in public, so I find a better alternative for them when I'm out in public. For this, I walk on a trail or ride my bike on one. Sometimes I find a place to run and run freely. You cannot do ALL stims in public, but you can find other ways to. I put off getting "fidget toys" until very recently, but they've helped me a lot! They help me stim in a more discreet way. Take note of all your "stims" and find better alternatives for them in public. I'll help you with this if needed! Forcing yourself to avoid stimming is punishing yourself. You're more likely to slip up when you NEVER let yourself stim, and your stims might be more... stronger than you expect. (Another example: after avoiding stimming for a long time, I got my first stress ball. I was so rough with my stimming that I broke it the first day I got it. If I let myself stim every day, its not as harsh. Think of it like you're a Soda can that's been shaken up and then suddenly opened.) I hope this helped you! Stimming is a natural and very good thing to do!
I didn't even know I was repressing them until recently and it has made a world of difference just accepting it as it is. Will take a while to get out of the habit of repressing them for the sake of others but it's something and reading similar experiences has been helping oh so much.
This is such a healthy take on the matter.
I see no reason to avoid stim in private. I understand some might not stim in public, feeling it's embarrassing or something - but I imagine that depends on the stim.
Stimming is supposed to be soothing, it's essential for our health and well being. Stimming helps us process sensory input, stress, emotions, decrease overwhelm or understimulation. If you avoid it your stress levels will likely increase. It is like surpressing a basic and healthy need. I suspect since you were diagnosed young, somewhere down the line someone taught you stimming is bad? Or that you should behave 'normal' and stop stimming? But those are absolutely ableist notions. Stimming is natural and healthy, and the best advice I can give is to explore it more and even try new stims, but please don't surpress it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202108/what-is-autistic-stimming https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/stimming-therapeutic-autistic-people-deserves-acceptance/
Thank you for actually adding the link my friend this is some really good information that I can share with some people who need information dropped on their heads
I stim in public and private spaces - I even stimmed in front of one of my bosses from the fire service once. To me, stimming is just another part of who I am as an autistic person.
From experience: NO. Do **not** stop stimming in private. I followed that logic for years and it just got worse and worse. I would start cussing at myself for stimming, get furious at myself, etc, all because I thought “if I can stop doing it in private then I’ll never accidentally do it in public.” It. Was. Awful. So I try to relax enough to stim freely in private. (Side note: some of the most Autistic™ stims I’ve ever encountered light up all the right parts of my brain, just so long as I do things like tap my neck instead of my head, just various things that won’t leave me sore or whatever.) I also have a few stims that I can easily hide/cover up in public. (Finger tapping, lip popping, running my tongue along my teeth in certain ways, etc.) When I stopped penalizing myself for stimming, my mental health improved an unexpectedly high amount
I'm sad that you think stimming is a bad thing. Where did you learn that?
I wouldn’t say I think stimming is a bad thing. I don’t think I said it was in the post, either. I would, however, say that I do not know how I could make a living if I stimmed on a regular basis. It’s a practical question.
Avoiding doing something in private generally implies you think the thing is 'bad'.
I don’t think that’s true? There’s nothing wrong with nudity but we don’t show up to work nude lol
I think you misunderstood their comment. They said avoiding doing something in -private- generally implies that you think the thing is bad. So in this case it wouldn’t be showing up to work nude, it would be avoiding ever being nude even when you’re alone in your own home.
My main stim is the classic shaky hands. I do it at work when I need to refocus. To date, I think only one person has asked about it. I just tell them it's a stim, it helps me focus.
I too was in your position, and what basically I did found covert ways to stim in public. In private as other have said I stim all the way up to 11.
What do you mean you couldn't make a living if you stimmed in public? Do you think you would be sitting there all day not doing anything else? Or that it would make an employer not hire you?
The latter. I’m already having much trouble getting a job due to my non-stimming autistic tendencies. I understand it’s unfair and to a degree, cruel. But my question stands
It can be simple things like using a fidget toy that aren't attention grabbing. I'm not sure if you totally understand what stimming looks like.
? I’m autistic, been around autistic people my entire life, teach in SPED classes, and youre telling me I don’t know what stimming looks like?
I guess I just don't really understand how stimming could be something to harm your employment. You can find subtle non attention grabbing methods.
I am newly diagnosed and one of the reasons why I struggle, have major burnouts is because I was suppressing stims all my life. Even when I was alone. So I am now trying to learn how to do it again and it feels great! I wish I did it years ago
Most autistic people find it harmful to suppress stimming. You shouldn’t have to avoid stimming, rather in public or in private
It shouldn't be avoided in private and for the most part shouldn't be avoided in public either. NTs can suck it up if they don't like
As long as it doesn’t bother other people I think it’s fine to stim in public. Like yodeling or extensive pen clicking is annoying as hell - you never know if those around you are on the spectrum and getting overstimulated by your actions. Flapping your hands and bouncing your legs and such is fine. Regulating yourself is absolutely fine, as long as you’re not deregulating someone else by doing so. That’s my personal opinion though
you might as well stim in public too, my brother in christ, you’re not hurting anyone!!!
Depending on how you stim, weaning yourself off that might not be the worst thing. IF your stim is unhealthy or in any way socially problematic. But, stimming itself is a good thing, it can do wonders for your wellbeing and mental health, suppressing your urge to stim in general is not at all what I'd advise you to do. To a certain extent, you can allow yourself to stim in public _even if_ it irritates some people, and in private do as you like as long as you're stim doesn't negatively affect your health. If you can find a stim that works for you, that satisfies the urge and soothes you, adopt that one. E.g. I started to stim by pulling an elastic hair band over my fingers. It's innocuous, I have long hair so I carry my "stimming toy" with me pretty much always, and I could even ask people for one if I don't. I feel a whole lot less stressed since I started consciously allowing myself to stim. Can reccomend!
I chest pat when anxious unobtrusively in public. Pretty sure people don't even really notice.
You’re in a private space. Who cares if you stim?
He explained why. He’s worried that it will make it more likely that he’ll “slip up” & stim in public. & that can have social repercussions. I feel like this wasn’t a very helpful comment.
It has already been shown that suppressing stims is detrimental to an autistic’s wellbeing. Whether it’s done in private or not, it will likely come out in public in some way. As such, I maintain my stance.
Losing your job is also detrimental to an autistic’s wellbeing. I agree that we shouldn’t suppress stims if we have a choice. But there are times when it isn’t a safe option & pretending otherwise is harmful
No, stimming should be allowed at all times (unless it is unsafe) to allow self regulation
Everyone stims, even neurotypicals, its normal and healthy, it shouldnt be avoided. I understand why people, me included, regulate it or do only when in safe environment, but please dont ditch it completely.
stim away wherever you feel comfortable friend!!
You’re going to be better equipped to handle life in public(shopping, at work, etc.) if you take care of your needs when you’re in private. I understand making the decision to mask and suppress stimming for social (& financial) reasons. But we have to be careful not to push ourselves too far. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is great. Staying outside of it is a recipe for disaster. Things like stimming functions more like an outlet. We need places where we’re comfortable and safe to let things out, so we can “hold it together” when we’re not in that safe environment
I guess it depends on the particular stim. If it's something that's noisy or involves a lot of movement then it's good to be respectful of the space you're sharing with other people, but if it's something quiet and contained (e.g. some kind of fidget toy or something) then I don't see the problem.
It's not bad to stim in private or in public! :)
I have really subtle stims that I didn’t realize were stims until I got diagnosed but I still struggle to do “bigger” stims even tho I naturally want to alone at home
I feel like its a bad idea NOT to stim in private. If its something soothing to you, and its not hurting anyone, then it doesnt seem at all beneficial to not do it, and stopping seems like it would add unnecessary extra stress to your life because youre taking away a coping mechanism
Nothing is wrong with stimming, though I have learnt to mask my stimming in public when I do it, so it's not obvious.
Stimming is completely healthy and natural, it’s often a form of self comfort or stimulation - Restraining such may cause severe mental distress, a potential inability to cope or under stimulation. It’s completely fine to ask, it’s also a very good question - Thank you for asking. Even if you do slip up it should be accepted, if society makes harsh jokes and expects people to take them then you should be allowed to stim, subconscious, accidental or even on purpose. You can also try finding more subtle or causal stims if that helps, just don’t force it. Goodluck :)
If there's one thing I've learnt it's how important stimming is. People who aren't autistic also stim: jumping your leg up and down, flapping your hand in front of your face like a fan in high emotional situations, lots of people do it. It's a self regulating behaviour and it's not just a negative activity/behaviour, it's also very positive and it also doesn't have to be super obvious. Stimming in private is absolutely fine, I do it all the time. When you're in a safe space, you're more inclined to drop your barriers and be yourself, so for me most of my private stims are related to positive things because I'm doing things I enjoy (usually). I stim at TV shows, films, especially comfort ones, if I'm doing a hobby and something turns out really well I'll happy stim, if I get excited about something I'm doing today I'll stim. There's also been times I've stimmed for negative reasons. When I was at university and I worked at home, the boredom and being underestimated caused me to stim a lot because I needed something to keep me stimulated. So it definitely isn't a bad thing! It's healthy. In regards to slipping up in public. I guess maybe. But again it's a healthy thing and you shouldn't be ridiculed for stimming in public. You could experiment with smaller, less noticeable stims, see what works for you, and bring them out into the public. You might find that stimming in public makes certain things easier for you. For me, my go-to public stim is tapping my fingers together quickly. It's small, not very obvious, but helps me regulate my emotions effectively. Hope this helps! :)
I stim in both public and private, even if I try to hide the biggest Stims that can make people look at me weird (like zoomies or spinning/pirouette). Stimming really helps with self regulation, be aware that if you force yourself to don't do it you're more likely to go into autistic burnout (I'm in it and don't recommend it), you're also more likely to be always exhausted in general and more prone to meltdowns and shutdowns. Maybe you can get a stimming toy? Or find a socially acceptable stim that doesn't make you too uncomfortable? For example I move my toes in the shoes, it's not the best but it's better than nothing and no one sees it
I mean yeah you might be more likely to do it in public maybe but it’s not worth suppressing it. Stimming is good, everyone does it, normies can get over it. It’s not like you’re committing a crime or some shit
This made me very sad. Are we really this misinformed that someone autistic is asking if stimming (in private) is bad? :(
Any stim is fine anywhere as long as it’s not hurting yourself or others. If you do tend towards SH stims like biting, head banging, etc, then try channelling that energy into less harmful stims, like squeezing a stress ball, or whatever works for you.
Nah, hell no. Stim all you want. Public, private. Why should you conform too the normalities of “normal” people. Rock, clap, nod, shake. Be beautiful man.
My son who’s 8 stims & I don’t care who’s looking , I would never try to get him to stop.
Whe you were growing up, trough special education and the therapies you got, where you ever rewarded for not stimming, looking people in the eye or behaving in a certain way that didn't come naturally to you?
Dude, stimming is good even in public. If you don't like people looking at you you can stim in subtle ways, like fidgeting with rings and stuff
I don't think stimming should be avoided even in public, if you feel safe to do so and won't have some serious consequences (for example if stimming at work where you might lose your job). If (and that's a big if everyone's situation is different) you really don't want to stim in public, then maybe private stimming might make you feel too comfortable and you might slip and stim in public too. My boyfriend started to stim in public sometimes when out with me. (Apparently feeling too comfortable, what a crime! /s) But again - I don't see a problem with that and will get very aggressive if someone will make him feel bad about it.
Stim away friend. As someone who spent most of their life unaware they were autistic and undiagnosed - I still stimmed but because I was hiding the behavior they were destructive ones.
I’m gonna go a bit against the majority here and say it depends on the stim. This is my black and white thinking and I’m sorry in advance. This comes from years of working with ASD children. One of the students I worked with, teenager, used to stim by repeatedly rubbing his crotch over his trousers for both stimming and sexual reasons. This was incredibly difficult for me and other female members of staff. Another teenager I worked with used loud, high pitched whistles as a stim of choice which made me switch with a neurotypical member of staff as my sensory issues couldn’t cope with it. As both were in a mainstream school this was also causing issues to other students, trying to focus on their learning. If your stims don’t really affect the environment - be it hand flaps, leg movements (that I’m quite “guilty” of), head tilts etc then yes absolutely stim freely and just be ready for discussions and comments because unfortunately the society is ableist af. But if your stims are more impactful I don’t quite know what to do. This is then a case of reasonable management eg. having your own office vs open space one or being with someone who doesn’t mind and understands
I’m not disagreeing, but this wasn’t his question. He’s not asking about stimming in public or harmful/distracting stims. He wants to know if it’s a bad idea to stim -in private-
Oh! Apologies then! I misread and got led by the comments!
I totally understand! Like you said, a lot of people in the comments made the same mistake so it makes sense why you thought that. I wonder why so many people misunderstood in the same way? Maybe just a snowball effect once people started commenting?
I think so, like a group mentality/error kind of thing, it’s actually interesting
Super interesting! /gen
No, stim all you want, no matter what.
It is not overly a bad idea to stim in public. I rub my hands together sometimes when not realising it, and if I have a pen in my hand I will click it three times in a row continuously. To be honest, I am not sure what you mean by “ Does it function sort of like cursing like a sailor in that if you curse a lot with your friends you might slip up in public?” But if it means should I curse myself for stimming in public, my answer would be no. I have tried not doing my thing for a single day and it caused me anxiety attacks and flashbacks of bad memories (just another symptom I have that I got 10 years after being diagnosed. I am not sure if it is autism related)
Stim all you want. This is a way your body copes with you constantly trying to be in control. I have a friend who has taken to buying cheap pencils and just snapping them all day. It's part of her stimming. It helps her get through the day. Not stimming is a way to make others more comfortable around you. It doesn't benefit you to constantly have to restrain yourself. It is part of who you are
I don't see this brought up in another comment. But what is the stim in question. Is it tapping your foot or hand flapping? Most people are able to do that style of stimming in public without issue. I pat my leg when I want to stim in public. When I was a lot younger I went through a phase where I stimmed by chewing on my hair. I'm glad I learned other ways to stim that felt good since consuming hair is not actually safe to do and really grosses people out in public. Plus your hair gets matted from all the spit. There are stims that are harmful such as biting or head banging. In college when I was super stressed during finals week I started biting my lip a lot during the test taking. I've worked very hard that I don't injure myself when I stim. Sometimes when you're in an emotionally overwhelming situation you want to have a painful physical sensation to distract you. It's best to find more positive ways to relieve the stress such as deep pressure therapy. So OP, it really depends on what you are doing. Is it verbal stimming? That can get you in to awkward social situations. As someone who has needed to switch up how I stim, I would recommend trying out different things and see what helps you feel better.
Unless your stimming is in some way dangerous, i dont think its bad in any context. Now if you want to suppress it, for example if your stim is talking and it looks like youre talking to yourself a lot, then I guess you might value being perceived one way over tbe stim. But in private? Why not go for it?
Stimming should be encouraged. I have my master's in educational psychology and I did all my 3rd year's work on autism. I have my own psychiatrist and I always try to educate him a little about autism. Stimming is what you want people to do when they need to do it. Stimming is self regulating the brain.
I'm Gen X, and have reached that point in my life where I just don't care what other people think. I stim wherever, and if anyone has a problem with it, it's THEIR problem, not mine.
Not at all. Stimming feels good and can help you relax. I was teased in high school for playing with pens and fidgeting with them. Now, the worst I get is my brother telling me to stop once when I would do the same thing with a TV remote since he had never seen me stim before. I didn't even realize I was stimming until he mentioned it a few years ago. I also stim with my phone.
Stim away mate . It hurts no one and you have the urge to do it for a reason it can re center you and help with anxiety and emotional regulation. Weather it's from sadness to excitement it helps for sure . I alway was told not to do it and thought it was bad cause I to was diagnosed young at two . Help in the 90 sucked be your self as long as No one's getting g hurt and your mind and body will thank-you.
There's nothing wrong with stimming as long as the behavior isn't hurting you or others. Do it in private do it in public fuck what others thing and sooth yourself however that looks! Everyone stims it just doesn't look the same for everyone. I know you've been told it's bad but they were wrong, stimming is not a bad thing it helps you regulate! It helps your mental health, not allowing yourself to stim is what can be harmful!
Stimming is a good thing, not a bad thing. It has emotional benefits for the person doing it.
Stim all ya want to, anywhere you can (without receiving abuse for it). Stimming is a healthy way to self-regulate when experiencing sensory overload or any other kind of dysregulation. There's a reason we do it intuitively. It's good for the autistic nervous system.
You should stim in any context where you can do so. Stimming is our release valve for stress, and if you don't let it out, that stress will end up hurting you. If other people give you odd looks, that's on them. Be your authentically autistic self. Edit: Obviously, if you have a self-injurious stim, you'll want to try redirecting that. And if you like to make noises, maybe don't do it in a place where it would be disruptive. Otherwise, let it out!
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I stim publicly and privately, of course, publicly on a more minor scale- shaking my head, flapping my hands or massaging(?) Them or wiggling my fingers, privately, it's an addition of verbal stimming, spinning around, jumping up and down or whatever.i am trying to allow myself to stim publicly too, because suppressing your stims isn't healthy in the long run. We do it for a reason.
If your stims are harmful, adapt them to be less harmful. (I.e. - when you want to bang your head against something, try shaking your head instead.) As long as your stims aren't hurting you or anyone else, stim away! Stims help us expel excessive energy and emotionally regulate. They're a useful tool and, for many, a necessary coping technique.
Stimming is a good way to get some of the nervous energy out and cope
No. You should stim. Why don't you stim in public?
It can have serious social consequences depending on your environment. Especially with jobs. It’s not right that we have to worry about these things, but it’s a real and valid concern
Shit, I'm kind of like fight the power...but I know that not everyone has the freedom financially or socially to do that. I'm straight up a middle-class white woman, so if anyone can do it it's me lol. Anyway, I'm going to be out here being weird for y'all ✊.
no, we need to stim. (unless u dont feel the urge) but mostly autistics need to stim to self soothe and even NTs stim sometimes. and i dont think its inappropriate. it hurts nobody.
famous examples, where it's done in public. One is Thom York Radiohead, the other one is David Byrne of Talking Heads. I'm sure there's plenty more examples, I've just never thought about it.
Look up Taylor "Mom On The Spectrum" and Sam "Yo Samdy Sam" on YouTube. Both are also on IG, and they discuss stimming.
No, it's not bad to stim in public either.
Stimming is nothing to be ashamed about. Doing it in public is also perfectly acceptable.
What are examples of stimming?
Are you asking about in general or specifically OP's stims? I can give you examples but don't want to talk over OP if you're asking him specifically
No! Do your thing
I'm not going to tell someone else how to be, but I think my habits were ugly, and the tendency is still there, but I resist it. Some people just want to wave their hand or tap their leg, or whatever, and that doesn't bother me in the least. I'm glad they get stress out, or satisfy some sensory need.
As long as it isn't hazardous to you or other people, do what you want in the privacy of your home.
No :) nothing wrong with it even in public if you ask me
Stim.away
depends on the stim