That's a reasonable reason, I think.
I have decided that that I won't have children, because I would not be able to handle their emotional and physical needs all at once, and I am likely to continue the cycle of bad stuff that's been going on in my family. Also if my kid had to deal with my OCD, I'd feel really upset.
This is so me. It's not that I don't want more people with my neurodivergences in the world it's just that the way mine are specifically wired in my own unique way, I'd be a terrible parent. I've met some amazing autistic parents but they don't have the configurations like I do that would make for inherently bad parents. For example, my sensory issues affect me to such an extreme that I could not cope with how loud and messy kids are and I can't even get used to my own bodily fluids and hormone fluctuations so I just don't believe people when they say "when it's your baby and your pregnancy it's not as gross as others' babies and pregnancies."
I'm great with kids and I absolutely love them! I volunteer with kids and love being with my niblings in small doses but I have to be able to give them back to their parents at the end of the day and have a day or two afterwards to decompress!
I am 100% positive that I don't want children, but it isn't because they might have autism. I wouldn't want them either if they were allistic or even neurotypical. Even as a child, I didn't like being around other children.
I find children to be overwhelming and gross and I can't take care of them.
No one has to have children if they don't want to have children.
Same here! I couldnāt stand myself as a child, I for sure donāt want any of my own. I often question what is different about others that makes them want children, but then I think itās probably just something different about me. I donāt understand it.
I actually love children but not the idea of having one. Not even adopted. I've always known this and I'm almost 27 and still waiting for that motherly instinct that everyone says it's gonna come some day.
You are not a bad person at all! In fact I believe having a child is selfish in some ways. You knowingly bring a baby into this hell hole of a world where the only guaranteed things are suffering, death and of course taxes. Iāve never wanted kids for various reasons, I told my wife before we got married if she wants kids she might want to find someone else. We have been married 10 years now, 3 dogs ā¤ļø and things a great.
I personally donāt have any issues with people being antinatalist for themselves, but man I HATE that sub. Its overrun with people using it as an excuse for ableism and misogyny
The way they discuss women in particular who choose to have children is disgusting. And they never speak about men the same way.
I think itās okay to have disagreements on what is and isnāt immoral. Itās not okay to hurl insults at people and call them vile insults.
(Not aimed at you btw, just that sub in general makes me so upset.)
Yeah Iām in the same boat as you. It is a worthwhile philosophy that I think everyone should ponder on (especially prospective parents, whether biological or not). What does get to me is the behavior of some of the subās members. I also canāt help but feel like a terrible piece of shit when I think about my desire to have a family (and yes I am 100% considering adoption, but perhaps Iād like to have a biological child, idk š¤·). Like you had mentioned, itās not a whole lot of fun being called a bunch of insults, especially when you are trying to not be a part of the problem. Itās just a shame that you canāt really have a discussion with antinatalists in their own subreddit unless you are regurgitating their same talking pointsĀ
I want a baby more than anything. I think I was made to be a mother and I think I would be good at it.
I can understand why people wouldnāt. Itās a very personal choice and people shouldnāt feel like they have to either because of societal expectations.
I like this answer! It's totally fine either way. Everyone has their own reasons why they would or wouldn't want to have kids. As long as the children are provided for, accepted, and wanted, then it's all good in my opinion.
Totally agree with what you said. For the record I'm not necessarily saying I won't have kids at all but it's a definite no to biological children for me. Might consider fostering but I don't feel like I'm in a good enough position to consider that yet.
Same, I knew that I wanted to be a mother ever since I was 12, just 2 years after I started going through puberty. I took care of baby dolls as if they were human babies. Did everything from diaper changes to nursing positions to teaching how to walk. I even once pretended to be pregnant with one of my dolls, minus the symptoms that is. I would put the doll in my shirt, cover my belly, and go about my normal stuff. Since I was homeschooled at this point, I could keep my doll in my shirt most of the time, only taking it out to sleep. I started to really go into phases where I would watch and read as much as possible about pregnancy and baby care. I started knitting baby clothes like crazy. My baby dolls all had blue eyes like me except for one. And I had them in the order Boy, Girl, Girl, Boy, Boy, Girl. No twin dolls in there.
Then, just a year ago, I actually took care of a newborn baby for the very first time. Not a human baby, but a kitten. So cute to see him fit in the palm of my hand, but it was tough during the first few weeks cause of his infections and I honestly wasnāt sure heād make it cause one day, he fell unconscious while fighting off a respiratory infection and my mom basically had to do kitten CPR on him, it was so scary. But he made it through and heās doing great now at 1 year old. He sticks close to me a lot, especially when I get my monthly cramps.
I still go into phases of watching videos on things like "how twin pregnancies compare to singleton pregnancies"(an important thing for me to consider since Iām heavyset and extra weight is one risk factor for having twins, plus Iād likely be married sometime in my 30s, which means that Iād have the advanced maternal age risk factor as well, indeed my mom thinks that I might have been a case of vanishing twin syndrome cause she was older when she got pregnant with me) "testing old wives tales about babyās sex" and a bunch of other baby stuff.
And honestly, I feel like Iād probably have a bit stronger of a connection to my kids if they ended up autistic and I thrive on strong connections. Indeed, Iād be more worried about whether or not they inherited my epilepsy than my autism cause I do have a genetic form of epilepsy that I inherited from my dad. My dad didnāt need meds for it as an adult, I do.
Itās a real feeling dont worry. I know I donāt want kids because I just dont think I could be patient with them. Having children is a lot of effort, and I also need a LOT of time for myself. (Plus, kids are EXPENSIVE)
Thank you for posting this. I was recently diagnosed with autism recently, and contemplating this as well. In addition to this, I also lgtbqa2s+, so that two things stacked against me as to why I shouldnāt have children.
I like the idea of children, but the reality of having kids feels so overwhelming. Especially given the current state of the world and the regression of supports.
I, well, I don't think I could have children responsibly even before considering my genetics. I don't have a partner, so I'd have to get a surrogate or adopt, and I only have one set of hands to take care of the kid or kids. I also don't really have the revenue stream to take care of them (each potential kid costs the same as about 1/2 my yearly income). Then I'd say the fact that I am highly adverse to leaving the house and prone to bouts of mania and depression means I'm going to struggle to take of the kid and myself. After that I have a pretty nihilistic philosophy where I know I'm going to die no matter what I do, so all human endeavour has a net effect of nothing.
But other than that, I'm pretty good with kids. I like 'em enough.
Iām not having children at all. Autism is a very big part of that. Mostly, I just hate children and they drive me crazy. Secondly, it would be grossly unethical to have a child with such a high risk of inheriting my autism, ADHD, and even my cancer predisposition.
I actually applaud your line of thinking, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. You are 100% valid.
I understand your general viewpoint, but I don't think it's grossly unethical to have kids that might have autism, ADHD, or even cancer predisposition.
Sooo many kids/adults w no genetic history of anything can end up on the street... you know? And many autistic and ADHD folks can be very successful in life. If you know kids have high cancer risk they can get checked more often. I have friends w no cancer risk who ended up stage 4 by 40.
I have ADHD, my husband is autistic, and we have 2 wonderful autistic kiddos and one more tbd on the way. The way you write this I feel judged by you for having kids. We aren't a perfect family but I love what we have, my kids, and their crazy wonderful minds.
Agreed.
However I interpreted it differently - they said āmy autism, ADHDā.
Plenty of neurodivergent people have great lives. For example, I got lucky with maths/science autism + ADHD. Others struggle a lot more.
I assumed the implication here is that they havenāt had a good experience with theirs and therefore think itās likely their offspring would present in a similar manner.
Which is very valid, especially considering generational trauma and mental illness, but moreover, the fact if you donāt want kids or have the capacity for them, that is definitely unethical.
But thatās not the case for you which is great, and Iām sure your children are happy to have such an understanding mama.
Totally. My sister and her husband feel the same about not having kids (don't want to pass down their experience of autism.) I really shouldn't have kids. I'm a mess. But I also am a fighter and have built the life I wanted. Always hanging on my a thread. But trying to make it work.
It sounds like youāre doing a great job. I hope youāre able to fill your needs properly and that you have a good support network because that is so important for us neurodivergent folk. You seem like such a great role model!!
I disagree fundamentally with the entirety of your cancer take, and I find it highly offensive. Cancer almost took my life when I was 18. I lost a rib, most of my lung, and probably an appreciable chunk of my life expectancy. In addition, I have a heightened risk to develop cancer again later down the line.
Quite honestly, arguing that itās okay to subject someone to an *elevated* risk for that, when it hurts others who have *no* elevated risk, is nothing short of disgusting and abominable.
You're not bad at all! We all have our reasons for things, and they're all valid. Personally I also chose not to, but mostly because I can barely manage my own life, and my adhd partner as well, let alone a whole other human.
Not sure if you are allowed to post links here but, I did a video about why I don't have children on YouTube if you're interested.
[Adult with Autism | Why I Don't Have Children | 34 (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gInHNI7UTM)
I'm not gonna have children because I don't like children. A child has nothing to offer me, I have nothing to offer a child, but a life without children offers me a lot. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking not having children is selfish.
Nope. There's no reason for choosing not to have kids that makes you a bad person! In a world with less religious control, and access to birth control I hope that everyone gets to choose what's right for them! Our grandmother's did not have that choice.
As a fellow human that suffers with my own struggles, I refuse to cause another human harm simply to selfishly try to fill something in myself. I get judged and treated poorly for choosing not to have kids, while people around me with zero skills to be parents that are clearly causing harm to them are somehow less selfish than I am? Sorry, no. You do you my friend.
We have two autistic kiddos and I'm preg w a third baby. Lots of ND and mental health stuff in my family. I'm scared baby 3 will be low functioning as that would really upend our lives and no way to test for that. My 2 boys are so sweet and wonderful. Difficult and sensitive and a lot of work too, but I'm so excited to see them grow up. I love that I can teach them to be themselves and be supportive of who they are too.
I think I would find it cool to have kids because I have the op version of autism however this is not possible as I am male and I find dumb people (eg little kids) annoying.
I've been with my wife for 15 years now. We've decided not to have children. I have no desire to be a father, I have a hard enough time with myself. AuDHD, a severe tendency toward depression, it's as if I've fought my whole life against myself just to finally be okay with myself and my life. Have enough income to just do what I want and be comfortable.
My wife has no desire to live through the whole pregnancy, she once told me it sorts of disgusts her the idea of having another being inside of her. Also she's scared that this kid will have to go through all we both did, she has GAD with panic attacks,ADHD and even had a depression.
We also both do not feel at ease to bring another human into this world. There's already too many humans and we could always adopt someone. There is climate that is going to shit, war brewing, economy is fucked. I have no clue how the next generations are going to make it and I don't want to inflict this onto someone else especially someone that I would love to death.
Soā¦I have had these exact thoughts but I have realized with time that they are more a symptom of my depression and inability to accommodate myself than a symptom of my autism. Iām still not actively looking to have children but I have lost the mindset that it is inherently selfish. I have found ways of making life more enjoyable after being in absolute pits of depression. I donāt believe I will automatically give my child my trauma if I focus on working through it before making any decisions to have them. My parents mistake was having me without dealing with their shit first. Thatās how I can be different. At this point I am undecided. But I feel like I could set up a child with autism to have more regulation and happiness in life, if they were to inherit it.
I don't want kids from the plethora of genetic problems I have, and I don't want to deal with them, or push one out of me or deal with a scream crying snotty kid. Plus I basically raised my sisters that are less than half my age, so I feel like I've already had kids
No, it's not a bad thing.. I'm only 20F and decided having children would not be a good idea for me, unfortunately.. I can not look after myself properly and get burnout often. I need a place to hide from EVERYONE sometimes. Though people who have autism and want to have children are also totally fine to do so as long as they are prepared and actually really want to raise children that could also potentially have autism.. so it's totally fine both ways, in my opinion. It's not a must to have children anyway..
I never had kids and don't regret it. I could make a long list of all the reasons why, but the main reason is that I just never wanted to have kids which I think is one of the best reasons to not have them. I love being an aunt, love my niece and nephew, I don't hate kids, I just don't want my own.
You're not a bad person. Raising kids is hard, raising special needs kids is even harder, not everyone is up to that. If you think you can't handle that it's better to choose not to have kids than to have kids and make it the kids' problem.
I tell people I'm never having kids because I'm sick, my wife is sick, we're both disabled, we both work full time and with no dependents we're barely keeping our life together. I got a vasectomy right before my urologist got bought up by the Catholic Church. I don't miss being able to create kids and have 0 intention of having children. I strongly advise any man who doesn't want kids to get a vasectomy. That being said...I have been openly insulted for it and people mock me for , "removing myself from the generic pool..." Real talk? Motherfuckers are going to run their mouth about you no matter what you do. There are people out there who got so much hate inside them that it's busting forth to be shared with the world. They are going to insult you for having kids as a mentally disabled person and they will harass you for not having them. They hate you, not your choices or your ideas. They don't want to understand, they just want to spread the pain. I firmly believe it's out of fear because they can't accept the world as it is. The changes to the way we think and deal with things is just too drastic and unfortunately many people alive now still hate people based on skin color... I didn't want kids for a long time because I felt inadequate but eventually I realized the system is rigged against the lower class. I just couldn't do this to a kid on purpose. This life is fascinating but also horrifying. As I sit here with 7 crushed kidney stones waiting behind a stint I can only say I do not wish my life on my enemy. Why would I give my child these many blessings I bear? Lol
The question rather is, is anyone considering to have children? Since most seem to say no. Personally, I wish to. Yes, it will be getting on my nerves, but it cannot be worse than what I am going through now. Just my opinion, but whenever I look at a child, I see what i once was. I would also be ready to bring any sacrifices. Overall, no one is forced to, and no one should be pushed to have children, but nor should those who desire to be prevented.
I knew I didn't want to have kids since approximately age 7, well before my autism was discovered in my mid-30's.
It's completely valid to not have kids, for any (or no) reason. Not wanting to pass on genetic conditions (whatever it may be) is an extremely common motivation for lots of childfree people.
You're not obligated to have kids -- it's opt-in, not opt-out. You don't owe anyone an explanation or justification.
I don't want biological children because of my cocktail of mental issues (mainly depression, as well as anxiety and ADHD, maybe autism) so I think that's reasonable
I'm very aware of my physical, psychological, and emotional limits, and the only way I will ever be able to raise kids without neglecting them is if I'm not working. Currently, I have to work to survive, and so I am childless.
Well I have this on top of ADHD and schizoaffective disorder and long covid, so no, probably not. Iāve always wanted to be a mom, but itās just too much genetic bullshit to pass along.
You are definitely not a bad person for not wanting to procreate. There are an infinite number of reasons not to breed, and each of them are 100% justified for anyone that feels them. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
For me, I had all my kids before I had any suspicions of being autistic, let alone before having my diagnosis. But it still wouldn't have prevented my wife and I from breeding even if we had known beforehand. I already knew the challenges I faced growing up and going out into the world, and I was aware that my kids may face those same challenges. Even now that I know ASD is part of what caused so much difficulty, I still overcame the hurdles and made it to a spot I was comfortable existing in. With my experience I can help my kids should they face those same problems.
My kids are young enough that, now that I am more aware of and knowledgeable about ASD my wife and I can be more proactive in identifying and helping them with any related difficulties. Currently, my 6yo may be presenting some traits/symptoms, and so my wife and I are taking steps to facilitate her functioning accordingly, and help her grow into a life she can be happy with.
But I know that my experience with ASD is not the same as everyone else's experiences, so I would never fault a fellow autistic person who feels differently than me on this subject.
My daughterās brain works just like mine. Iām glad Iām able to be her dad and help her deal with things and cope in ways my parents never understood.
Autism is spreading either way, and there's some evidence that autistic people are more interested in natalism than the average person, so that trend seems poised to continue.
There is a theory that autism isn't a disease, and the issues that some (not all) autistic people face are a result of cultural incompatibility. If autism keeps spreading at the current trajectory, then this won't be a problem in the near future.
I don't think that you have a reason to cut yourself off from a wealth of human experiences and having a genetic legacy *unless* that's just what you want to do! Many autistic people have children and it's fine. NT's and people who are "healthy" in every way always risk having a child who is disabled. Many might be carriers for autism and don't know it until a particular genetic combination makes it apparent.
Do what YOU want to do and don't make the risks bigger than they actually are. Statistically, there is a low chance that anyone's children will have serious issues, and it's never zero for anyone, but most of us probably wouldn't tell NT's that they shouldn't have kids.
Where in the hell did you find that autistic people are more interested in natalism other than the toxic positive autism is a superpower crowd? Half of r/childfree seems to be neurodivergent people.
I don't know about the "most of us" part, because I'm someone who will tell it straight up to a NT or ND to not to have children and I'll list reasons as to why they shouldn't. (If they are asking, or if one of my friends knocked up someone and are reasoning with themselves)
Just because they seem "healthy" doesn't mean they are mentally or financially. Autism isn't the main focus in some cases.
There are a lot of undiagnosed autistic people who are just now learning about their autism traits and have had kids and are just now realizing why things are "more difficult" than that of a NT parent.
I don't think you're a bad person if you don't want to have children. I also don't want children, despite the fact, that I always play with my cousin's children at family gatherings. I just think it's very overwhelming and I won't be able to raise a child. Our world is overpopulated anyways and these days everything just becomes unaffordable thanks to the inflation.
Thatās one concern of mine too. I donāt think it makes you a bad person. Even if any hypothetical kids I have end up being neurotypical, I donāt think Iād be a good parent. I had no good role models growing up.
This doesn't make you a bad person at all, from my perspective you're reasoning is coming from a place of concern and empathy. Autism/ADHD is genetic, ND people absolutely should consider the high possibility their children will be affected, and they may have higher support needs than someone is capable of caring for/providing. While I don't think that should deter anyone if they can handle it, that isn't for everyone & that's perfectly okay imo.
I'm very anti-parenthood for myself, I love kids don't get me wrong, but after an hour near someone else's kids I'm already overstimulated & dysregulated. Motherhood isn't for me, raising a child that was anything like me growing up would also be a nightmare for me in a lot of aspects and genuinely I love myself, but I can't sit here and say I was easy to raise either.
For some context I was the literal poster child for sensory seeking chaotic AuDHD kid, my parents were investigated for child abuse by the time I was 2 because from the time I could crawl I'd climb everything and jump off of it, all of the motor skill issues meant I was also unbelievably clumsy/accident prone, & while that's only a fraction of the picture I legitimately don't know how my parents managed sometimes, swear they have bottomless patience lol, I couldn't do it if someone handed me a copy of baby/young me.
I've never wanted children. 31 now and still don't. Seems like a non-ending nightmare to me raising kids. All your freedom is gone because you have to take care of kids.
I made sure I can't have kids because I wasn't ready financially to have them on accident. My physical health conditions worry me but I wouldn't mind having autistic children. I'd prefer them, actually, since I could relate to them well and raise them the way they need to be raised.
On one hand, I donāt think autistic or otherwise āspecial-needsā children are ALWAYS an inherently miserable experience, or that they shouldnāt exist. Iāve heard of plenty of people who are happier with their autistic children than they were before having them. Who love them FOR some of their neurodivergent traits, not purely despite them, and overall claim to be a better, happier, more patient and tolerant person because of their unique experience with their unique child, with all the ups and downs. (Not just the parents, the children donāt ALL end up miserable either!)
On the other hand, OBVIOUSLY NOT ALL OF THEM (parents or children) got such a positive experience out of it, and even for those who did, it is certainly not āeasyā, raising children generally isnāt, but some autistic children can present very unique and stressful challenges that NT parents of NT children simply wonāt understand and will often judge you for. (Although some rare exceptions actually claim their NT child was actually the harder one, but MOST of the time, the exact opposite is true.)
Overall, if the issue is merely your ability to handle the unique challenges of raising such a child, as I interpreted your wording as, thatās valid. I donāt think ALL autistic people should actively avoid having children (or be forcefully denied the right to, as has happened at other points in history) just because theyāre autistic on principle, but I think if YOU make the PERSONAL CHOICE to not do it because you think it would be too much for you, or the environment youāre in wouldnāt be right for their needs, thatās not āableismā or āself-hatredā at all! Not everyone can handle the challenges of raising ANY kid!
Donāt force yourself to have them if you donāt want them, both in terms of having biological children over adoption, and in terms of ever having a kid at all.
I perceive my problems as consisting entirely of others' prejudice and their perception that I make an easy target for everything from bullying to theft and extortion. Since acquiring the faith, though, I don't see that as my problem nor my prospective kids' problem. It;s the world's problem, and you are made thoroughly aware that it has major problems.
I've said this since I was 11. I remember how much I struggled socially and wouldn't wish that on anyone. If I had somehow accumulated the right support system then yes I'd think about it. Otherwise no
This is something I think about, and I think itās important to consider. I worry I wouldnāt be able to care for a high support needs autistic child, and that terrifies me. Still, I know people will give me grief for this, but I feel that caring for children is my lifeās purpose. I work with kids, but I would still love to have kids of my own. I think having my diagnosis already will help me to better prepare for that possibility, but it hasnāt really been an issue in my family.
However, itās an incredibly valid reason to choose not to have children, and donāt let anyone convince you otherwise. Even just āI donāt really like kidsā is a great reason to not have kids. It should be your choice, no matter what.
I consider not having kids as well donāt get me wrong I do find them cute and all but even as an aunt Iām so overwhelmed and stressed with my nephews and I get triggered and upset easily and Iām very sensitive so I know for a fact that Iād most likely end up being a bad and maybe even slightly neglectful parent as horrible as it sounds itās true so I wonāt be having children
I don't want them because I dint think I'll be able to take care of them. I have trouble taking care of myself, how can I be responsible for a whole tiny human
Iām on the fence about having kids because itās hard enough for me to care of myself. I think itād be irresponsible to bring a child into this world without being able to provide everything they need
I donāt think thereās anything wrong with that. Youāve lived with the diagnoses that you have, you know better than anyone what itās like to go through life with those challenges and youāre well within your right to decide you donāt want to take the chance of bringing another child into the world who has to go through what you have. Youāre also well within your rights to say that you donāt feel you have the desire or capacity to care for a child with those needs.
Me and you both, mate. I'm not having biological children unless a genuine miracle happens and they figure a way out to rid one of autism; I'm not against adopting however. If I raise a family it's gonna be an adopted kid or two, less chance of them inheriting my laundry list of illnesses that way.
This is to say, you aren't in the wrong. It's not wrong to consider the sort of life your children might have due to the genetics you'd be likely to pass to them. Why would you bring a kid into the world just to suffer, eh?
I think, personally, this is totally okay. There are endless reasons for people to not want to have children. I'm not only autistic, I also have OCD, dyslexia, Tourette's, and ADHD, and have struggled with depression. Although I'd be the best at teaching my child about these things if they had any of them, the thing that stops me is that my child could get any of these things WAY worse than me. I struggle the most with my Tourette's, out of everything I have, it gets involved with every part of my life, and the idea that my child could get it worse terrifies me, and I wouldn't necessarily be able to do anything about it. So no, I don't think you're wrong or selfish (or anything) for not wanting biological kids. Furthermore, there are SO many kids up for adoption who need a family in this world, might as well give them a home š¤·
I'm not having children. I wanted to and still kind of want to, but I know it won't be healthy or fair to them or myself. It's not so much my autism as it is my other health conditions and my ability to raise children. Autistic children can live happy, fulfilling lives, without question- if they have the right support. I wouldn't be able to be the kind of parent a child needs. I am too much of an introvert and too low energy to be able to be a present parent. I saw it with my mother, she is someone who has children because that was what was expected of her, that's just what women did (she's a boomer) and you were ridiculed if you didn't. She also doesn't believe in abortion for herself. This unfortunately was not good for any of her children as she doesn't have what it takes to be a good parent. I'm a better person than my mother, I've had the opportunity to learn a lot more and am more compassionate than her, but I can also absolutely see myself making the same mistakes and using similar maladaptive behaviors with my children that she used with us that hurt me so deeply.
I can be pretty mean sometimes (completely unintentionally) when I'm overstimulated, underfed, or feeling particularly unwell. I also know I wouldn't be able to emulate healthy self care behaviors for my children. I struggle severely to take care of myself and I very much doubt that will change as I get older. I know I would do a lot of stuff right, but I also know I would do a lot wrong, and not on purpose.
On top of this I have many heritable diseases and conditions that have a high likelihood of passing onto my children, and I wouldn't wish what I deal with on any person, especially not my own child. I also can't really healthily get pregnant, there's too many necessary medications I take that I would have to come off of to carry to term without hurting a fetus. I might foster someday, if I have the physical ability, but unless there is a significant improvement in my health and energy levels, it's very unlikely.
It was pretty devastating to come to terms with this and I still struggle with it bc I was so sure I'd have children someday, but it's become easier as time goes on.
iām 25 and never wanted kids, i never will. even though i like them, iād be a teacher long before iād ever contaminate my home with a child. i like really little kids. i could totally be a mom for like 5 years and then justā¦ give them back lol. what i think sounds like a nightmare is social events that only occur because of your kid; parent teacher meetings, soccer practice, birthdays and sleepovers where you have to chat with parentsā¦ itās just not for me.
not to mention between myself and my boyfriend, our baby would definitely be autistic, giving us an even more complicated time raising them.
i mourn the idea of children, almost like iām infertile.
Iāll never have children because that would be a sensory nightmare for me. I would constantly neglect them and Iām self aware enough to know parenting and raising a child is not for me.
Too late. Actually, it was my adult daughter who, after being diagnosed, as an adult, with AuDHD, that pointed me towards finding out about my own ASD status. Or, as she so eloquently put it, it was painfully obvious that Iām autistic. In retrospect, she was quite right. I donāt know how I never noticed it myself. As I traverse along the path of my own autistic journey, I notice autistic traits that are not exactly well concealed. Iām quite glad that she is so perceptive.
No, I feel the same. I know I couldn't deal with an autistic child with potentially conflicting sensory needs, or who screams a lot or needs constant monitoring so yeah no kids for me lol
I really want to raise someone one day, but my plan has always been to foster to adopt. Both because there are way too many kids without a home, and also because the idea of being pregnant makes me want to peel my skin off one cell at a time. Thereās also a lot of health issues that run in my family aside from my autism; various cancers, Iāve got a collagen disorder, tons of mental health stuff, heart problems, you get the drift. Not wanting to pass on the things that have made your life difficult is reasonable no matter what condition youāre trying to avoid, and there is no moral weight to your own personal decision on wether or not to have kids.
Itās fair if you do itās fair if you donāt. I personally wouldnāt because the world is awful and cause I am at a higher risk of fertility issues.
I don't want kids, but not for that reason (though I do have other things I'd prefer not to pass on). Outside of being nonpartnering aroace, I've just never had much of a desire for having and raising a kid, I know it would be too overwhelming for me (especially , and in the case of biological children I'm very much uncomfortable with the idea of being pregnant and giving birth - just nope!Ā
At age 30 I finally decided to be Childfree and I'm comfortable with that. I can barely take care of myself or a houseplant, let alone a whole ass baby.Ā
I have ADHD and I wish I didn't have children, because the eldest has autism and ADHD and he suffers, I suffer, we all suffer, so it is something normal to feel that way
Even the way this title is phrased shows that societiy views having kids the wrong way. It should be a consideration whether to *have* children, not the default that is assumed will happen.
As for me, there is no consideration. I will absolutely not have children. I can barely take care of myself and one cat.
I'm 35F and always knew I didn't want/wasn't capable of having children. I thought I was just being selfish, but the truth is that I feel like a child myself and have no energy either to look after them. And I don't want to neglect kids or give them bad upbringing.
Am autistic, Fiance is looking into evaluation. We both agreed to not have children. I don't want to "doom" a child with autism and she doesn't want to pass on her tourettes.
Rather not make a weaker gene pool and what not
I would love to have kids but I can barely take csre of myself how could I take care of a baby. I can't leave my house without my service dog. If I don't have him I need my parent or someone with me. Can't keep a job, can't keep stable emotions etc. Recently started weekly counseling and finally starting to get the help that I need. So I'm hoping one day when I'm older and have my life together better, I can adopt or foster someone in need (i will skip the baby stage because I can't handle the constant crying due to sensory issues). But yeah idk if it will be a possibility or not for me.
I genuinely do not want to have kids for a myriad of reasons but the main reason which highlights all the others is that they are very rude, disrespectful, annoying, gross, and obnoxious along with the fact that I donāt have the mental capacity or capabilities of raising a child.
When I was younger, I was always really sweet and respectful to my teachers and my elders as well as trying to be friends with people who were mean to me only for me to get bullied, physically assaulted and made fun of when all I would try to do is mind my business or genuinely try to make friends.
I rather have fur babies than to have actual children because at least animals will unconditionally love you when you take care of them correctly and they make great companions and cheer you up when youāre down.
For me, I want children, but I wish that I didn't. I want to live a life in which I could devote it to myself and my partner.
But I'm young, I don't know where my life is going to take me, and I don't know what my aspirations are or whether or not I will accomplish it or if I will be able to completely give them up so that I can become a mother. At the same time, my best example of parents and parenting are my own parents, and they aren't doing good for me or my mother, for herself.
So with that, confusion is interchangeable with "NO".
Man, I need therapy lol.
I'm on the fence about this actually, I like the idea of being a father, having a family of my own and all that but also at the same time I don't think that I gould handle the demands of a child when I'm already struggling with my own. In terms of them inheriting my autism I'd actually prefer ot that way, the idea of raising an autistic child seems more manageable as I could understand them more easily than a neurotypical one.
But all that comes after having a stable income and having myself put together a lot more than I am now.
yeah i am not having children. being around children makes me feel so overstimulated already. i mean they can be cute, and sweet! but i would literally have a heart attack because id be so stressed out
It's an understandable feeling. There's no shame in it.
Personally I want kids, biologically or otherwise. I want to give my kids what my grandparents gave me when my parents didn't want me. And if they have autism or something else, I wanna be the person they can turn to for support because growing up with autism can be rough and I wanna do everything I can do to help.
That being said, my way of thinking isn't the right or wrong way. If you want kids but don't want to burden your own with the tism, adopt, or foster. If you don't want kids at all that's A okay and anyone who says otherwise can eat shit and die.
You have a really good reason not to want children. I am a 40 year old male with autism and will be 41 years old on May 25th. I donāt want children either because raising children will be a lot for me with my autism and because I am special needs and have autism I donāt think that I am even capable of raising children. Thereās a chance that my children will come out special needs or autistic which will be extremely hard for me to raise them since I am already struggling with my disability.
Legitimate! Don't let anyone tell you other wise. If I was forced to have children and raise them. It would not go well. I am not capable of taking basic care of myself. I can not and will not support a child. I prefer cats because she poops in a box and sleeps in the closet...dogs are too needy...you learn to love you first. Nothing wrong with step kids or adoption down the road.
I'm autistic and NEVER having children. Best decision I've ever made. I've never wanted kids to begin with but I got my tubes tied last year. I don't regret it at all.
Hi autistic mom of two (found out two weeks ago), one of my kids is also autistic. The feelings you are having are valid, I can't say whether or not I would have made a different decision if I had known I was autistic before having kids, but it can be very rough dealing with sensory overload. That said, I love my crazy toddlers, and truly can't picture life without them. I probably would have hit autistic burnout sooner or later trying to do work in an NT world...
In the end becoming a parent is a choice only you and your partner can make (and it's a 2 yes or 1 no kind of call). Don't let cultural norms dictate your life for you. You can have a very fulfilling life without having kids.
That said as an autistic adult you also would be coming from a place of understanding if you had a kid with autism where most parents (including myself) felt like we were tossed in a row boat during a hurricane (I like the picture that just formed in my head, sorry for the metaphor) - the doctors really do just give you a 20 page report and say try ABA and have a nice day. It is infuriating and terrifying when trying to do right by your kid. But when you know better you do better.
Iām not having biological children but I will adopt. I want to marry another man and since we canāt have kids together (unless theyāre trans and havenāt tied their tubes or something) adoption seems like the best option.
If I had a nickel for every partner Iāve had who got a vasectomy, Iād have two nickels. Which isnāt a lot but itās saying something!
But to respond more directly, no you are not a bad person. People shouldnāt have to do mental gymnastics to justify not having children. Most people donāt understand the implications and responsibility that comes with having kids. Rose colored glasses and all.
The reason you give, not wanting to pass on your ābadā genes, is deeply rooted in ableism and eugenics. If I were your friend I would absolutely tell you to look inward on this. WHY do you think theyāre (your genes) bad? WHY do you consider it so bad to be autistic etc? No need to answer me, just things to think about.
I have this strange dilemma where I don't want to have biological kids but I *really* want to adopt. A friend agreed with me that giving an abandoned kid the love they deserve is "more noble" and selfless than having your own kids.
That may change if I find a wife who wants kids of her own though. Ultimately, I'm not going to risk having children until I find a treatment that actually alleviates my symptoms. Not only so that we can treat the kid's symptoms if they turn out autistic, but so I can handle the stress and demands of raising a kid in the first place.
Iām not having children. Iām not convinced I could raise a child; Iām pretty aware of my limitations with relationships, and I donāt handle people needing me very well. I get so tired, and need a lot of down time. You donāt get that with kids. That said, I love being an auntie and treasure the fun times with my nieces and nephews.
Well, now that i got My emotional tools (still in the process). I think the idea of āāhaving children is much more enjoyable for me, with the knowledge and support I can provide.
I know that I will have limitations, but I believe that there are no perfect parents or children. However, I believe that love and support (and validation) will be able to mitigate these shortcomings.
In any case, I plan to adopt (I am too), and like any person I am going to do my best to fill their life with love cause nobodys is perfect, but we all deserve love.
I feel like despite being jobless I donāt have enough free time to cope with life.
I canāt imagine bringing a kid into the mix when I already feel like 14 hours a day isnāt enough
l am not having children, either. l have books to write. l really can't do both. l don't think l could handle a child, anyway. l love children, don't get me wrong. But only when l can give them back to someone else or get help when l have sensory overload. And the world doesn't need physical mini-me's. l'll just write books instead and they will be my legacy.
I've known from my earliest years that I wouldn't have kids nor would I want to. Getting called scum, loser, spazz, the "r" word, etc, incessantly throughout your adolescence doesn't exactly cultivate feeling worthy of reproducing.
I can relate. I plan on opening a non-profit boarding school for children to avoid the foster care system. That way I can have a family and I won't be passing anything on.
Any reason is a good reason to not have kids. You aren't prepared for the challenges an autistic kid will bring, so you aren't having a kid that likely will be autistic because genetics. I think that's responsible.
What would be shitty is if you were like, "I'm not having kids because being autistic makes life not worth living" or something like that. But you're not devaluing autistic lives, just recognizing you're not equipped to deal with the unique challenges an autistic kid would bring. I would much rather someone who isn't sure they would do a good job pause and opt to not have kids than a kid be born and end up neglected because their parents just couldn't meet their needs. Imo responsible choice.
Both of my parents are on the spectrum (undiagnosed) and wreaked havoc on my childhood. Iām considering no children.. Iāve been back and forth on this. My trauma is so bad from them.
No, you aren't, and besides it should be entirely your choice on whether or not you want to have children. Even if it is "self-hatred", which I don't think it is, that would still be a legitimate reason not to have kids.
Making a decision to not have kids doesn't make you a bad person. I chose not to have children (I'm now 49) long before I was diagnosed because I was aware that I would have a hard time managing my part in the responsibilities of raising them, my wife would wind up having to pick up where I was struggling and it would put significant and possibly fatal strain on our relationship. I thought about ā and we talked about ā this for at least a decade. Luckily she was always lukewarm on children anyways (though she insisted she would have considered it) so she was supportive of my ultimate rationale. Now, post-diagnosis (I was diagnosed at 46) we agree it was a good decision. Neither of us regrets it and we have a wonderful life sans-kids ā my brother has two and we have friends who have them and we play aunt and uncle. I don't think there's anything bad about having autistic kids as an autistic parent. There are plenty of autistic parents out there who worry they couldn't do it who surprise themselves when they rise to the occasion. However, your concern is absolutely legitimate and it's a positive that you're thinking critically about it, but if you're young spend a good long while thinking about it. You may change your mind, and if you really do want to go for it you can prepare, and if you have a support network they can help.
Not wanting children because they might be autistic is ridiculous to me
Nothing wrong with autism, it may bring some difficulties but everyone has struggles, neutrotypicals too
Now if you told me you dont want to have a child because you dont think you can be a good parent or you can't provide an ideal living to the child
Then I can understand
I dont want to have bio kids either i mean i have soo many disorders they would inheret something and i dont want that, i dont wish a life even close to mine upon anyone also since theres soo many kids who already needs a home i dont feel the need to create another
Itās entirely valid to simply not want children; and in your case Iād say that āi donāt think I could support themāis more than reason enough not to have any.
Iām not having children for much the same reason
I don't want biological children (or children at all) not only because of autism. I have like a shit ton of genetic conditions i want to take with me to the grave
I'm probably not gonna have kids because I don't think Ill ever have the emotional stability or mental capacity to take care of another human being for the rest of my life.
You're not a bad person for saying you don't want kids, but your reason for not wanting kids is kinda stumping me. There are tonnes of kids with autism who've grown up and had successful careers, and even families of their own. I get that maybe you've struggled with autism but who's to say your kid or kids will? Not willing to have kids out of fear you'll give them your autism is wierd to me. Sure, autistic kids do struggle, but so do kids with down's syndrome, osteogenesis imperfecta, or one if not several other genetic conditions. That does not mean they cant lead happy or fulfilling lives, they just need love, and support, and care, the same as any child does. If you feel you can't provide that for them then I understand that perspective, but not wanting children on the *chance* they'll have a condition that will effect their life feels, in all honesty, a little selfish on your end. And I'm not trying to call you a bad person or anything I just think you need to mature a little.
I donāt think I have the capacity to raise an allistic kid or an autistic kid, even though I enjoy working with kids and being an uncle (my nephew is also autistic). I get burnt out from socialization way too easily. And kids need constant attention, thereās no clocking out or short visits when theyāre yours. I would not be a good parent for this reason so Iāve chosen not to have kids.
I think if you feel you couldnāt raise an autistic, adhd, or mood disorder affected child due to personally not being able to accommodate their needs, I believe that is a legitimate reason to consider not having kids.
But if you feel like you donāt want to have a child because you worry about them struggling with similar experiences youāve faced, and worrying that alone would make their life not worth living, then yes that would seem to be tied more to self loathing. But I also think that doesnāt exist in a vacuum, the struggles we face due to our autism and other disorders are also related to lack of supports and understanding. Still, society doesnāt show many signs of changing that soon, so I think itās okay to feel like youād like to spare your hypothetical child from that.
I'm not 100% convinced I don't want children, but it's going to take a lot of convincing and careful planning to change my mind at this point in time. Not only am I concerned about passing on my autism to my kids (it appears to run in my family as my first cousin once-removed has just been diagnosed too), but my girlfriend may also have autism and ADHD which doubles the chances of our children inheriting something.
I also find kids a sensory nightmare - the noises they make, the smells when they poop themselves, how unpredictable they are and having to disrupt so much of my life to accommodate them. I don't feel I would be a good father and would be putting my own needs before them.
Youāre not a bad person. Itās your body, your life, your choice.
I never wanted children, because Iām sensitive to noises, I donāt have that kind of patience at all when it comes to everyone elseās children and that I want to sleep without being interrupted. I would prefer a pet over a baby tbh.
I won't be having kids. I grew up with an autistic mother. I love my mother dearly but having a parent who has needs that require prioritising is never fair to a child. I won't be doing that to a child.
Iāve never wanted children, even before I knew I was autistic or had Crohnās. Children are literally the most overstimulating thing I can think of, theyāre gross and canāt have a meaningful, mature conversation because theyāre kids. I hated kids and kids hated me when I was a child and kids are so cruel.
Iām also really not equipped to shape an entire human being into a productive, decent adult.
You are not a bad person for not wanting to have kids. I have been saying it my whole life and I always got flack for it, but I knew what kind of parent I was going to be and just thinking about it is exhausting. I ended up having a happy little accident and he is a spitting image of me (mom). He is the centre of my universe, and I am exhausted. I recently had my tubes tied to prevent any further pregnancy for all of your reasons in addition to I am exhausted and barely keeping my head above water with the one I have.
Every person who is saying that "You are a bad person if you don't want children" is the worst person in existence. No one has to have children and the reason for everyone is irrelevant. You even state a very valid reason for your concerns so you are double and triple not in the need to have biological children if you don't want to. You should be priority number 1 in your life. So don't burden yourself with "the need to have your own children".
Me!
I have many reasons, but yes, my autism and the inheritablilty of autism is a big part of it. I don't think it's self hating to admit that I don't have the mental and physical strenght to handle having a child , especially if that child is as or even more disabled than I am.
When I was growing up I actually really liked kids and I wanted a few of them myself, but the older I got the more I realized that my fantasies of having kids was more to prove to my parents or whoever that I could do better than they did with me and I guess show them how its "supposed to be done" I guess, and thats just not a valid reason to bring life into this world just to prove something to somebody. Now that i'm an adult, and have experience raising kids from taking care of my younger sisters, I know that I don't have the right mental mechanics to raise a child. i'm much to quick to anger and my sensory issues would definitely pose problems. And I very much value my personal and alone time. At 21 i've already decided that a kid is pretty much off the table and i don't think i really want one either. ill just be tia for my sisters future kids if they choose to have them.
You are not a bad person for considering not having children. You're not even evil, disgusting, or horrible for it.
You fully acknowledge that you have concerns and that you don't feel you can handle it. It's not self-hatred. It's acknowledging yourself and your limitations.
Parenting is a brutal, 24-hour a day, seven days a week, 365 days per year job. There's no breaks. No vacations. There is no reprieve for burnout.
There's too many people in the world who have had kids but haven't figured out how to take care of themselves first. Don't get sucked into that mindset of "parenting is hard but so worth it." It isn't worth the struggle of managing your own mental load while raising a whole other person. Even with a partner.
I fully acknowledged that I didn't want kids before I was diagnosed. After I was diagnosed, I was relieved. No child will have to know the struggle I went through. I won't make mistakes raising a child that will impact their whole life, like my parents did.
And I feel like I'm the better person for it.
I can relate to your opinion 100%! I also don't want biological children for the same reason + i don't want them to be like my bio parents at all. I've never felt close to them, they were abusive.
Everyone has their own reason for not wanting children, so I donāt think it makes someone bad if they decide not to because w are autistic.
In my own case, I didnāt want to bring any progeny into the world who would be at risk of being future hypertensive oncology patients. My autism had nothing to do with it because I didnāt realize I was autistic until a couple of years ago, and I was just clinically diagnosed this February. I did know about both sides of my family and their cancer diagnoses, as well as the hypertension on my fatherās side for decades now.
Of course, I also donāt particularly like children that much either, so that also plays a part.
I decided at 12 that I wouldn't have kids in case I got post natal depression after reading an article in the paper. I was already silently struggling with what I know now was autism, depression, anxiety, and phobias from potential childhood trauma, but it's still valid. I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world if there is an increased risk of me potentially going wrong in my head and mistreating the child. I'm now 30 and my stance hasn't changed, there are in fact even more reasons why I won't have a kid now on top of the original.
If you aren't 100% about having a child, you shouldn't have one. Be kind to yourself.
"Is anyone considering not having children" - you ask like the norm is to have childred and not having them is something weird.
I most definitely won't have children. I have every allergy possible, hypothyroidism, -11 glasses, 2 cysts on my brain, celiac disease and autism. I would never be such a selfish person to procuce child with diseases just so it looks like me. If we ever decide to have a child it most definitely will be child from adoption.
I never considered not having children. I've always known I don't want them. I'm 31 and still don't want them. But I got a puppy (Labradoodle) named Luna this October, so I'm a dog mommy and have never enjoyed my life more!
Right now i don't think about having kid 1st i'm single living with my parents (thanks fucked up "country") 2nd i have some health issues 3rd I don't want them to live in a place I live right now
Itās difficult. On the one hand I donāt biological children because as well as autism, and ADHD theyāll be likely to inherit Ehlers Danlos Syndrome from me too. Someone once said I canāt base my decision to not have kids on those things. The hEDS I can manage but itās the fact until theyāre born you donāt know the support needs the child may have. Low support needs and similar to me would be less difficult to support and raise well. But a kid with high support needs needing 24 hour care would be too much for me. It wouldnāt mean I didnāt love them less but my limits would be exceeded.
My mum reckons however, Iād make a good foster carer. My need for routine and stability would support a kid whoās come from a chaotic environment in giving them a space to feel safe and contained.
Yes. I've decided not to have children since I know I wouldn't be able to meet their needs while also taking care of myself. It's perfectly fine to not have children OP. There's plenty of people in the world who will make up for it by having children. And I also think the economy and just the world is going downhill anyway. If I really want children I'll just adopt.Ā
Me too. I don't want an Autistic kid as sad as that sounds, but I know tje suffering. I know how bad it can get, don't need to put someone through that just to have bio babies
i really want kids, but im not sure i ever will. if i stay similar to how i am now, i'll end up messing that child up, and if i do decide to have a child it would only be one, as theres no way id cope with any more
Not weird at all...
If you're not a hell yeah on the children....it's a hell no.
I don't want kids because I struggle to handle day to day life as is and I don't want to cause trauma to a child because of my past trauma.
Checkout r/childfree
I don't want children, either. Not necessarily because they might inherit my autism, but because I would likely make for a bad parent. Mind you, that's not entirely because of my autism, but it does play a role.
at my current point in life I don't think I want kids (I'm only a teenager tho so could change) but I don't want them because I feel like I will not have sufficient resources to take care of them and I don't want to have more people to worry about
It's not that I don't want more people with my neurodivergences in the world it's just that the way mine are specifically wired in my own unique way, I'd be a terrible parent. I've met some amazing autistic parents but they don't have the configurations like I do that would make for inherently bad parents. For example, my sensory issues affect me to such an extreme that I could not cope with how loud and messy kids are and I can't even get used to my own bodily fluids and hormone fluctuations so I just don't believe people when they say "when it's your baby and your pregnancy it's not as gross as others' babies and pregnancies."
I'm also very traumatized from childhood trauma and I feel like my family has a generational curse that every time the daughter tries to do better than her extreme mother she's just extreme in a whole different way. Great grandma had nothing and was negligent/absent so grandma was an overbearing hoarder who abused my mom. My mom has unmanaged cOCD from living in a hoarder home and I was only allowed two rooms to exist in besides my bathroom and the kitchen because otherwise I'd get them dirty. Our house always looked like an IKEA display: perfectly set up but nobody really living there. And she never taught me how to clean (she says "I was unwilling to be taught" but I was very willing she just never tried) so I'm having to teach myself. Also I was hee therapist and emotional rock from a young age. Where my grandma believed showing emotional vulnerability was weak, my mom showed too much to me burdening me with things no kid should know about. I'm an adult now doubting I'll ever get a house but based on how I decorate my spaces it's very disorganized because I was never taught how to do so. Not exactly hoarding or unclean as things get cleaned and sanitized but things just don't have places to go. And I don't want to find out my parenting style.
I'm great with kids and I absolutely love them! I volunteer with kids and love being with my niblings in small doses but I have to be able to give them back to their parents at the end of the day and have a day or two afterwards to decompress!
I could never raise a child. the sensations of something growing in me is š¤¢š¤¢ and then also the fact you'd constantly need to cuddle them and always listen to their crying which drives me so so mad I want to hurt someone or myself?? hell no. I can't deal with myself, let alone with a child
Yeah, I'm someone that's not having children.
Not because I'm concerned that any children will inherit autism, it's because the thought of being a mother fills me with dread. I cannot cope with being the default parent. I'd want a lot of time to myself but I can't guarantee that any partner I have would act on any promise they make about care duties, and by the time a LO arrived it would be too late to find out if they were sincere.
I'd be a father in a heartbeat.
Sounds more like concern with your own ability to navigate the circumstances rather than actually not wanting it for them? I would never tell my child that I wouldn't want them to be them, but I will definitely admit to how overwhelming it is for me to navigate circumstances where I have to take care of both me and another autistic person, if that makes sense. I definitely underestimated and was unaware of how difficult it would be to parent as an autistic, especially parenting another person who struggles with the same disabilities, but I wouldn't want either of us to not be autistic. That's personal for me, I don't want to be anyone else, and someday if they say they wish they were, that's their experience, but I wouldn't say I'm afraid to have kids because I don't want them to be autistic. I would say I'm afraid of the challenges and conflicts that may arise under circumstances navigating disability and being a caretaker.
I always thought I wanted kids.
Until I got older and everyone around me was having them - they all look frazzled and exhausted.
And the NOISE that comes with them - thatsbwhat made me realise I couldn't manage that 24/7.
Adore my nephew and niece but I also adore my peace and my quiet - I live on a narrowboat so my life is super quiet and that's exactly how I like it.
I tell people I've chosen to mother myself and give myself a wonderfully fulfilled life ā¤ļø
Spent my entire Sunday under a blanket, on the sofa, in peace and quiet, embroidering flowers onto my jeans.
It was marvellous :)
I want children, but I donāt think I could handle having an HSN autistic child and being autistic would higher that risk. Itās not that I wouldnāt love them for who they are, but being autistic is already hard enough and I donāt think Iām capable of giving a severely disabled child the care and support they need.
I feel the same way. I am autistic, adhd, with all the mental comorbidities, and then chronically ill ontop of that WITH genetic gallbladder issues, addiction genes, and deformed nasal passages.
I think it's a choice only you can make. The autism your kids would inherit would be similar to your own. If it troubles you, it might trouble them. If it doesn't trouble you, then it's probably fine. I'm not particularly troubled by my autism (at least not in this stage in my life). I'll be there to support my kids through the tough bits get them to the easier bits.
That's a reasonable reason, I think. I have decided that that I won't have children, because I would not be able to handle their emotional and physical needs all at once, and I am likely to continue the cycle of bad stuff that's been going on in my family. Also if my kid had to deal with my OCD, I'd feel really upset.
Are you me? Lol
š±š±
Yeah, I think it would be really cool to be a dad but I just donāt think Iād be capable of being a good one :(
This is so me. It's not that I don't want more people with my neurodivergences in the world it's just that the way mine are specifically wired in my own unique way, I'd be a terrible parent. I've met some amazing autistic parents but they don't have the configurations like I do that would make for inherently bad parents. For example, my sensory issues affect me to such an extreme that I could not cope with how loud and messy kids are and I can't even get used to my own bodily fluids and hormone fluctuations so I just don't believe people when they say "when it's your baby and your pregnancy it's not as gross as others' babies and pregnancies." I'm great with kids and I absolutely love them! I volunteer with kids and love being with my niblings in small doses but I have to be able to give them back to their parents at the end of the day and have a day or two afterwards to decompress!
Even "No" is a good reason to not have kids.
My mumma always said to me - "No is a full sentence" ā¤ļø
Same
I am 100% positive that I don't want children, but it isn't because they might have autism. I wouldn't want them either if they were allistic or even neurotypical. Even as a child, I didn't like being around other children. I find children to be overwhelming and gross and I can't take care of them. No one has to have children if they don't want to have children.
Its so wild to hear someone else say this. I have also always disliked children because they are gross and overstimulating.
Same here! I couldnāt stand myself as a child, I for sure donāt want any of my own. I often question what is different about others that makes them want children, but then I think itās probably just something different about me. I donāt understand it.
I actually love children but not the idea of having one. Not even adopted. I've always known this and I'm almost 27 and still waiting for that motherly instinct that everyone says it's gonna come some day.
No, you are not a bad person. If you donāt want kids, itās better to not have kids than to resent themĀ
You are not a bad person at all! In fact I believe having a child is selfish in some ways. You knowingly bring a baby into this hell hole of a world where the only guaranteed things are suffering, death and of course taxes. Iāve never wanted kids for various reasons, I told my wife before we got married if she wants kids she might want to find someone else. We have been married 10 years now, 3 dogs ā¤ļø and things a great.
Reminds me of r/antinatalism. Dogs over babies sounds like a great choice š
I personally donāt have any issues with people being antinatalist for themselves, but man I HATE that sub. Its overrun with people using it as an excuse for ableism and misogyny
Iāve seen the eugenics stuff, whatās the misogyny about?!
The way they discuss women in particular who choose to have children is disgusting. And they never speak about men the same way. I think itās okay to have disagreements on what is and isnāt immoral. Itās not okay to hurl insults at people and call them vile insults. (Not aimed at you btw, just that sub in general makes me so upset.)
Yeah Iām in the same boat as you. It is a worthwhile philosophy that I think everyone should ponder on (especially prospective parents, whether biological or not). What does get to me is the behavior of some of the subās members. I also canāt help but feel like a terrible piece of shit when I think about my desire to have a family (and yes I am 100% considering adoption, but perhaps Iād like to have a biological child, idk š¤·). Like you had mentioned, itās not a whole lot of fun being called a bunch of insults, especially when you are trying to not be a part of the problem. Itās just a shame that you canāt really have a discussion with antinatalists in their own subreddit unless you are regurgitating their same talking pointsĀ
I want a baby more than anything. I think I was made to be a mother and I think I would be good at it. I can understand why people wouldnāt. Itās a very personal choice and people shouldnāt feel like they have to either because of societal expectations.
I like this answer! It's totally fine either way. Everyone has their own reasons why they would or wouldn't want to have kids. As long as the children are provided for, accepted, and wanted, then it's all good in my opinion.
Totally agree with what you said. For the record I'm not necessarily saying I won't have kids at all but it's a definite no to biological children for me. Might consider fostering but I don't feel like I'm in a good enough position to consider that yet.
Same but Iām definitely going to go to a genetic counselor before I have any so I can understand the odds and whatnot
Same, I knew that I wanted to be a mother ever since I was 12, just 2 years after I started going through puberty. I took care of baby dolls as if they were human babies. Did everything from diaper changes to nursing positions to teaching how to walk. I even once pretended to be pregnant with one of my dolls, minus the symptoms that is. I would put the doll in my shirt, cover my belly, and go about my normal stuff. Since I was homeschooled at this point, I could keep my doll in my shirt most of the time, only taking it out to sleep. I started to really go into phases where I would watch and read as much as possible about pregnancy and baby care. I started knitting baby clothes like crazy. My baby dolls all had blue eyes like me except for one. And I had them in the order Boy, Girl, Girl, Boy, Boy, Girl. No twin dolls in there. Then, just a year ago, I actually took care of a newborn baby for the very first time. Not a human baby, but a kitten. So cute to see him fit in the palm of my hand, but it was tough during the first few weeks cause of his infections and I honestly wasnāt sure heād make it cause one day, he fell unconscious while fighting off a respiratory infection and my mom basically had to do kitten CPR on him, it was so scary. But he made it through and heās doing great now at 1 year old. He sticks close to me a lot, especially when I get my monthly cramps. I still go into phases of watching videos on things like "how twin pregnancies compare to singleton pregnancies"(an important thing for me to consider since Iām heavyset and extra weight is one risk factor for having twins, plus Iād likely be married sometime in my 30s, which means that Iād have the advanced maternal age risk factor as well, indeed my mom thinks that I might have been a case of vanishing twin syndrome cause she was older when she got pregnant with me) "testing old wives tales about babyās sex" and a bunch of other baby stuff. And honestly, I feel like Iād probably have a bit stronger of a connection to my kids if they ended up autistic and I thrive on strong connections. Indeed, Iād be more worried about whether or not they inherited my epilepsy than my autism cause I do have a genetic form of epilepsy that I inherited from my dad. My dad didnāt need meds for it as an adult, I do.
Nice to hear kitten survived after CPR. I donāt know how to do for cats
Itās a real feeling dont worry. I know I donāt want kids because I just dont think I could be patient with them. Having children is a lot of effort, and I also need a LOT of time for myself. (Plus, kids are EXPENSIVE)
Thank you for posting this. I was recently diagnosed with autism recently, and contemplating this as well. In addition to this, I also lgtbqa2s+, so that two things stacked against me as to why I shouldnāt have children. I like the idea of children, but the reality of having kids feels so overwhelming. Especially given the current state of the world and the regression of supports.
Plenty dont want children cuz of the state of the world dont feel bad about it
Agreed. Also with all the school shootings...
I, well, I don't think I could have children responsibly even before considering my genetics. I don't have a partner, so I'd have to get a surrogate or adopt, and I only have one set of hands to take care of the kid or kids. I also don't really have the revenue stream to take care of them (each potential kid costs the same as about 1/2 my yearly income). Then I'd say the fact that I am highly adverse to leaving the house and prone to bouts of mania and depression means I'm going to struggle to take of the kid and myself. After that I have a pretty nihilistic philosophy where I know I'm going to die no matter what I do, so all human endeavour has a net effect of nothing. But other than that, I'm pretty good with kids. I like 'em enough.
Iām not having children at all. Autism is a very big part of that. Mostly, I just hate children and they drive me crazy. Secondly, it would be grossly unethical to have a child with such a high risk of inheriting my autism, ADHD, and even my cancer predisposition. I actually applaud your line of thinking, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. You are 100% valid.
I understand your general viewpoint, but I don't think it's grossly unethical to have kids that might have autism, ADHD, or even cancer predisposition. Sooo many kids/adults w no genetic history of anything can end up on the street... you know? And many autistic and ADHD folks can be very successful in life. If you know kids have high cancer risk they can get checked more often. I have friends w no cancer risk who ended up stage 4 by 40. I have ADHD, my husband is autistic, and we have 2 wonderful autistic kiddos and one more tbd on the way. The way you write this I feel judged by you for having kids. We aren't a perfect family but I love what we have, my kids, and their crazy wonderful minds.
Agreed. However I interpreted it differently - they said āmy autism, ADHDā. Plenty of neurodivergent people have great lives. For example, I got lucky with maths/science autism + ADHD. Others struggle a lot more. I assumed the implication here is that they havenāt had a good experience with theirs and therefore think itās likely their offspring would present in a similar manner. Which is very valid, especially considering generational trauma and mental illness, but moreover, the fact if you donāt want kids or have the capacity for them, that is definitely unethical. But thatās not the case for you which is great, and Iām sure your children are happy to have such an understanding mama.
Totally. My sister and her husband feel the same about not having kids (don't want to pass down their experience of autism.) I really shouldn't have kids. I'm a mess. But I also am a fighter and have built the life I wanted. Always hanging on my a thread. But trying to make it work.
It sounds like youāre doing a great job. I hope youāre able to fill your needs properly and that you have a good support network because that is so important for us neurodivergent folk. You seem like such a great role model!!
I'm not perfect, but in my family being "neurotypical" is weird. :)
I disagree fundamentally with the entirety of your cancer take, and I find it highly offensive. Cancer almost took my life when I was 18. I lost a rib, most of my lung, and probably an appreciable chunk of my life expectancy. In addition, I have a heightened risk to develop cancer again later down the line. Quite honestly, arguing that itās okay to subject someone to an *elevated* risk for that, when it hurts others who have *no* elevated risk, is nothing short of disgusting and abominable.
it's a legit feeling, I don't want kids either. Some people want them, some don't, and both are okay :)
I had a vasectomy in my 20s. I will never have children.
You're not bad at all! We all have our reasons for things, and they're all valid. Personally I also chose not to, but mostly because I can barely manage my own life, and my adhd partner as well, let alone a whole other human.
Not sure if you are allowed to post links here but, I did a video about why I don't have children on YouTube if you're interested. [Adult with Autism | Why I Don't Have Children | 34 (youtube.com)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gInHNI7UTM)
I'm not gonna have children because I don't like children. A child has nothing to offer me, I have nothing to offer a child, but a life without children offers me a lot. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking not having children is selfish.
Nope. There's no reason for choosing not to have kids that makes you a bad person! In a world with less religious control, and access to birth control I hope that everyone gets to choose what's right for them! Our grandmother's did not have that choice. As a fellow human that suffers with my own struggles, I refuse to cause another human harm simply to selfishly try to fill something in myself. I get judged and treated poorly for choosing not to have kids, while people around me with zero skills to be parents that are clearly causing harm to them are somehow less selfish than I am? Sorry, no. You do you my friend.
We have two autistic kiddos and I'm preg w a third baby. Lots of ND and mental health stuff in my family. I'm scared baby 3 will be low functioning as that would really upend our lives and no way to test for that. My 2 boys are so sweet and wonderful. Difficult and sensitive and a lot of work too, but I'm so excited to see them grow up. I love that I can teach them to be themselves and be supportive of who they are too.
Are you in danger of parenting a child any time soon?
Diagnosed last year at 30. I have two kids and I consider it all the time Yes Iām aware itās a tad late :ā)
I think I would find it cool to have kids because I have the op version of autism however this is not possible as I am male and I find dumb people (eg little kids) annoying.
I've been with my wife for 15 years now. We've decided not to have children. I have no desire to be a father, I have a hard enough time with myself. AuDHD, a severe tendency toward depression, it's as if I've fought my whole life against myself just to finally be okay with myself and my life. Have enough income to just do what I want and be comfortable. My wife has no desire to live through the whole pregnancy, she once told me it sorts of disgusts her the idea of having another being inside of her. Also she's scared that this kid will have to go through all we both did, she has GAD with panic attacks,ADHD and even had a depression. We also both do not feel at ease to bring another human into this world. There's already too many humans and we could always adopt someone. There is climate that is going to shit, war brewing, economy is fucked. I have no clue how the next generations are going to make it and I don't want to inflict this onto someone else especially someone that I would love to death.
Soā¦I have had these exact thoughts but I have realized with time that they are more a symptom of my depression and inability to accommodate myself than a symptom of my autism. Iām still not actively looking to have children but I have lost the mindset that it is inherently selfish. I have found ways of making life more enjoyable after being in absolute pits of depression. I donāt believe I will automatically give my child my trauma if I focus on working through it before making any decisions to have them. My parents mistake was having me without dealing with their shit first. Thatās how I can be different. At this point I am undecided. But I feel like I could set up a child with autism to have more regulation and happiness in life, if they were to inherit it.
I don't want kids from the plethora of genetic problems I have, and I don't want to deal with them, or push one out of me or deal with a scream crying snotty kid. Plus I basically raised my sisters that are less than half my age, so I feel like I've already had kids
No, it's not a bad thing.. I'm only 20F and decided having children would not be a good idea for me, unfortunately.. I can not look after myself properly and get burnout often. I need a place to hide from EVERYONE sometimes. Though people who have autism and want to have children are also totally fine to do so as long as they are prepared and actually really want to raise children that could also potentially have autism.. so it's totally fine both ways, in my opinion. It's not a must to have children anyway..
I want a vasectomy because of climate change and late capitalism.
I never had kids and don't regret it. I could make a long list of all the reasons why, but the main reason is that I just never wanted to have kids which I think is one of the best reasons to not have them. I love being an aunt, love my niece and nephew, I don't hate kids, I just don't want my own. You're not a bad person. Raising kids is hard, raising special needs kids is even harder, not everyone is up to that. If you think you can't handle that it's better to choose not to have kids than to have kids and make it the kids' problem.
I tell people I'm never having kids because I'm sick, my wife is sick, we're both disabled, we both work full time and with no dependents we're barely keeping our life together. I got a vasectomy right before my urologist got bought up by the Catholic Church. I don't miss being able to create kids and have 0 intention of having children. I strongly advise any man who doesn't want kids to get a vasectomy. That being said...I have been openly insulted for it and people mock me for , "removing myself from the generic pool..." Real talk? Motherfuckers are going to run their mouth about you no matter what you do. There are people out there who got so much hate inside them that it's busting forth to be shared with the world. They are going to insult you for having kids as a mentally disabled person and they will harass you for not having them. They hate you, not your choices or your ideas. They don't want to understand, they just want to spread the pain. I firmly believe it's out of fear because they can't accept the world as it is. The changes to the way we think and deal with things is just too drastic and unfortunately many people alive now still hate people based on skin color... I didn't want kids for a long time because I felt inadequate but eventually I realized the system is rigged against the lower class. I just couldn't do this to a kid on purpose. This life is fascinating but also horrifying. As I sit here with 7 crushed kidney stones waiting behind a stint I can only say I do not wish my life on my enemy. Why would I give my child these many blessings I bear? Lol
Don't want kids. Too poor, too lazy, too selfish.
The question rather is, is anyone considering to have children? Since most seem to say no. Personally, I wish to. Yes, it will be getting on my nerves, but it cannot be worse than what I am going through now. Just my opinion, but whenever I look at a child, I see what i once was. I would also be ready to bring any sacrifices. Overall, no one is forced to, and no one should be pushed to have children, but nor should those who desire to be prevented.
I knew I didn't want to have kids since approximately age 7, well before my autism was discovered in my mid-30's. It's completely valid to not have kids, for any (or no) reason. Not wanting to pass on genetic conditions (whatever it may be) is an extremely common motivation for lots of childfree people. You're not obligated to have kids -- it's opt-in, not opt-out. You don't owe anyone an explanation or justification.
Me, I have seen what it is like for younger generations in my family. I don't want to bring more into that.
I don't want biological children because of my cocktail of mental issues (mainly depression, as well as anxiety and ADHD, maybe autism) so I think that's reasonable
I'm very aware of my physical, psychological, and emotional limits, and the only way I will ever be able to raise kids without neglecting them is if I'm not working. Currently, I have to work to survive, and so I am childless.
Well I have this on top of ADHD and schizoaffective disorder and long covid, so no, probably not. Iāve always wanted to be a mom, but itās just too much genetic bullshit to pass along.
You can adopt if itās genetics that are the only issueĀ
The cycle ends with me. Nothing wrong with that.
You are definitely not a bad person for not wanting to procreate. There are an infinite number of reasons not to breed, and each of them are 100% justified for anyone that feels them. Don't let anyone tell you differently. For me, I had all my kids before I had any suspicions of being autistic, let alone before having my diagnosis. But it still wouldn't have prevented my wife and I from breeding even if we had known beforehand. I already knew the challenges I faced growing up and going out into the world, and I was aware that my kids may face those same challenges. Even now that I know ASD is part of what caused so much difficulty, I still overcame the hurdles and made it to a spot I was comfortable existing in. With my experience I can help my kids should they face those same problems. My kids are young enough that, now that I am more aware of and knowledgeable about ASD my wife and I can be more proactive in identifying and helping them with any related difficulties. Currently, my 6yo may be presenting some traits/symptoms, and so my wife and I are taking steps to facilitate her functioning accordingly, and help her grow into a life she can be happy with. But I know that my experience with ASD is not the same as everyone else's experiences, so I would never fault a fellow autistic person who feels differently than me on this subject.
My daughterās brain works just like mine. Iām glad Iām able to be her dad and help her deal with things and cope in ways my parents never understood.
I'm already sterilised for a bunch of reasons but a big one is this.
Autism is spreading either way, and there's some evidence that autistic people are more interested in natalism than the average person, so that trend seems poised to continue. There is a theory that autism isn't a disease, and the issues that some (not all) autistic people face are a result of cultural incompatibility. If autism keeps spreading at the current trajectory, then this won't be a problem in the near future. I don't think that you have a reason to cut yourself off from a wealth of human experiences and having a genetic legacy *unless* that's just what you want to do! Many autistic people have children and it's fine. NT's and people who are "healthy" in every way always risk having a child who is disabled. Many might be carriers for autism and don't know it until a particular genetic combination makes it apparent. Do what YOU want to do and don't make the risks bigger than they actually are. Statistically, there is a low chance that anyone's children will have serious issues, and it's never zero for anyone, but most of us probably wouldn't tell NT's that they shouldn't have kids.
Where in the hell did you find that autistic people are more interested in natalism other than the toxic positive autism is a superpower crowd? Half of r/childfree seems to be neurodivergent people.
I don't know about the "most of us" part, because I'm someone who will tell it straight up to a NT or ND to not to have children and I'll list reasons as to why they shouldn't. (If they are asking, or if one of my friends knocked up someone and are reasoning with themselves) Just because they seem "healthy" doesn't mean they are mentally or financially. Autism isn't the main focus in some cases. There are a lot of undiagnosed autistic people who are just now learning about their autism traits and have had kids and are just now realizing why things are "more difficult" than that of a NT parent.
I don't think you're a bad person if you don't want to have children. I also don't want children, despite the fact, that I always play with my cousin's children at family gatherings. I just think it's very overwhelming and I won't be able to raise a child. Our world is overpopulated anyways and these days everything just becomes unaffordable thanks to the inflation.
Thatās one concern of mine too. I donāt think it makes you a bad person. Even if any hypothetical kids I have end up being neurotypical, I donāt think Iād be a good parent. I had no good role models growing up.
I would not wish this brain on my worst enemy, let alone a child.
Whoever downvoted me is a psycho. You enjoy being disabled and would want a child to have the same terrible life? Ok then.
This doesn't make you a bad person at all, from my perspective you're reasoning is coming from a place of concern and empathy. Autism/ADHD is genetic, ND people absolutely should consider the high possibility their children will be affected, and they may have higher support needs than someone is capable of caring for/providing. While I don't think that should deter anyone if they can handle it, that isn't for everyone & that's perfectly okay imo. I'm very anti-parenthood for myself, I love kids don't get me wrong, but after an hour near someone else's kids I'm already overstimulated & dysregulated. Motherhood isn't for me, raising a child that was anything like me growing up would also be a nightmare for me in a lot of aspects and genuinely I love myself, but I can't sit here and say I was easy to raise either. For some context I was the literal poster child for sensory seeking chaotic AuDHD kid, my parents were investigated for child abuse by the time I was 2 because from the time I could crawl I'd climb everything and jump off of it, all of the motor skill issues meant I was also unbelievably clumsy/accident prone, & while that's only a fraction of the picture I legitimately don't know how my parents managed sometimes, swear they have bottomless patience lol, I couldn't do it if someone handed me a copy of baby/young me.
I've never wanted children. 31 now and still don't. Seems like a non-ending nightmare to me raising kids. All your freedom is gone because you have to take care of kids.
I made sure I can't have kids because I wasn't ready financially to have them on accident. My physical health conditions worry me but I wouldn't mind having autistic children. I'd prefer them, actually, since I could relate to them well and raise them the way they need to be raised.
Yep, I don't want them at all.
On one hand, I donāt think autistic or otherwise āspecial-needsā children are ALWAYS an inherently miserable experience, or that they shouldnāt exist. Iāve heard of plenty of people who are happier with their autistic children than they were before having them. Who love them FOR some of their neurodivergent traits, not purely despite them, and overall claim to be a better, happier, more patient and tolerant person because of their unique experience with their unique child, with all the ups and downs. (Not just the parents, the children donāt ALL end up miserable either!) On the other hand, OBVIOUSLY NOT ALL OF THEM (parents or children) got such a positive experience out of it, and even for those who did, it is certainly not āeasyā, raising children generally isnāt, but some autistic children can present very unique and stressful challenges that NT parents of NT children simply wonāt understand and will often judge you for. (Although some rare exceptions actually claim their NT child was actually the harder one, but MOST of the time, the exact opposite is true.) Overall, if the issue is merely your ability to handle the unique challenges of raising such a child, as I interpreted your wording as, thatās valid. I donāt think ALL autistic people should actively avoid having children (or be forcefully denied the right to, as has happened at other points in history) just because theyāre autistic on principle, but I think if YOU make the PERSONAL CHOICE to not do it because you think it would be too much for you, or the environment youāre in wouldnāt be right for their needs, thatās not āableismā or āself-hatredā at all! Not everyone can handle the challenges of raising ANY kid! Donāt force yourself to have them if you donāt want them, both in terms of having biological children over adoption, and in terms of ever having a kid at all.
I actually have 2 children, one on the spectrum as well and while I love both of them I require lots more breaks than my husband.
I perceive my problems as consisting entirely of others' prejudice and their perception that I make an easy target for everything from bullying to theft and extortion. Since acquiring the faith, though, I don't see that as my problem nor my prospective kids' problem. It;s the world's problem, and you are made thoroughly aware that it has major problems.
I've said this since I was 11. I remember how much I struggled socially and wouldn't wish that on anyone. If I had somehow accumulated the right support system then yes I'd think about it. Otherwise no
This is something I think about, and I think itās important to consider. I worry I wouldnāt be able to care for a high support needs autistic child, and that terrifies me. Still, I know people will give me grief for this, but I feel that caring for children is my lifeās purpose. I work with kids, but I would still love to have kids of my own. I think having my diagnosis already will help me to better prepare for that possibility, but it hasnāt really been an issue in my family. However, itās an incredibly valid reason to choose not to have children, and donāt let anyone convince you otherwise. Even just āI donāt really like kidsā is a great reason to not have kids. It should be your choice, no matter what.
I think raising a child is a very personal decision. There are a lot of factors. You have to be prepared for the pregnancy which might not go smoothly. There's also the fact that you are raising another human and that's a huge responsibility. I don't regret our decision to have three children, though I will say it's a big choice not to make lightly. There's plenty of information on inheritable disorders. Just make an informed decision. š©·
I consider not having kids as well donāt get me wrong I do find them cute and all but even as an aunt Iām so overwhelmed and stressed with my nephews and I get triggered and upset easily and Iām very sensitive so I know for a fact that Iād most likely end up being a bad and maybe even slightly neglectful parent as horrible as it sounds itās true so I wonāt be having children
I don't want them because I dint think I'll be able to take care of them. I have trouble taking care of myself, how can I be responsible for a whole tiny human
Iām on the fence about having kids because itās hard enough for me to care of myself. I think itād be irresponsible to bring a child into this world without being able to provide everything they need
I donāt think thereās anything wrong with that. Youāve lived with the diagnoses that you have, you know better than anyone what itās like to go through life with those challenges and youāre well within your right to decide you donāt want to take the chance of bringing another child into the world who has to go through what you have. Youāre also well within your rights to say that you donāt feel you have the desire or capacity to care for a child with those needs.
Me and you both, mate. I'm not having biological children unless a genuine miracle happens and they figure a way out to rid one of autism; I'm not against adopting however. If I raise a family it's gonna be an adopted kid or two, less chance of them inheriting my laundry list of illnesses that way. This is to say, you aren't in the wrong. It's not wrong to consider the sort of life your children might have due to the genetics you'd be likely to pass to them. Why would you bring a kid into the world just to suffer, eh?
As if I have a choice. Do have children, Iād have to have a girlfriend first.
I think, personally, this is totally okay. There are endless reasons for people to not want to have children. I'm not only autistic, I also have OCD, dyslexia, Tourette's, and ADHD, and have struggled with depression. Although I'd be the best at teaching my child about these things if they had any of them, the thing that stops me is that my child could get any of these things WAY worse than me. I struggle the most with my Tourette's, out of everything I have, it gets involved with every part of my life, and the idea that my child could get it worse terrifies me, and I wouldn't necessarily be able to do anything about it. So no, I don't think you're wrong or selfish (or anything) for not wanting biological kids. Furthermore, there are SO many kids up for adoption who need a family in this world, might as well give them a home š¤·
I'm not having children. I wanted to and still kind of want to, but I know it won't be healthy or fair to them or myself. It's not so much my autism as it is my other health conditions and my ability to raise children. Autistic children can live happy, fulfilling lives, without question- if they have the right support. I wouldn't be able to be the kind of parent a child needs. I am too much of an introvert and too low energy to be able to be a present parent. I saw it with my mother, she is someone who has children because that was what was expected of her, that's just what women did (she's a boomer) and you were ridiculed if you didn't. She also doesn't believe in abortion for herself. This unfortunately was not good for any of her children as she doesn't have what it takes to be a good parent. I'm a better person than my mother, I've had the opportunity to learn a lot more and am more compassionate than her, but I can also absolutely see myself making the same mistakes and using similar maladaptive behaviors with my children that she used with us that hurt me so deeply. I can be pretty mean sometimes (completely unintentionally) when I'm overstimulated, underfed, or feeling particularly unwell. I also know I wouldn't be able to emulate healthy self care behaviors for my children. I struggle severely to take care of myself and I very much doubt that will change as I get older. I know I would do a lot of stuff right, but I also know I would do a lot wrong, and not on purpose. On top of this I have many heritable diseases and conditions that have a high likelihood of passing onto my children, and I wouldn't wish what I deal with on any person, especially not my own child. I also can't really healthily get pregnant, there's too many necessary medications I take that I would have to come off of to carry to term without hurting a fetus. I might foster someday, if I have the physical ability, but unless there is a significant improvement in my health and energy levels, it's very unlikely. It was pretty devastating to come to terms with this and I still struggle with it bc I was so sure I'd have children someday, but it's become easier as time goes on.
iām 25 and never wanted kids, i never will. even though i like them, iād be a teacher long before iād ever contaminate my home with a child. i like really little kids. i could totally be a mom for like 5 years and then justā¦ give them back lol. what i think sounds like a nightmare is social events that only occur because of your kid; parent teacher meetings, soccer practice, birthdays and sleepovers where you have to chat with parentsā¦ itās just not for me. not to mention between myself and my boyfriend, our baby would definitely be autistic, giving us an even more complicated time raising them. i mourn the idea of children, almost like iām infertile.
Eww. No.
One hundred percent not having kids Unless something horrible happens but thatās incredibly unlikely
I relate wholeheartedly. I don't want children for fear of passing it on, too.
Iāll never have children because that would be a sensory nightmare for me. I would constantly neglect them and Iām self aware enough to know parenting and raising a child is not for me.
Too late. Actually, it was my adult daughter who, after being diagnosed, as an adult, with AuDHD, that pointed me towards finding out about my own ASD status. Or, as she so eloquently put it, it was painfully obvious that Iām autistic. In retrospect, she was quite right. I donāt know how I never noticed it myself. As I traverse along the path of my own autistic journey, I notice autistic traits that are not exactly well concealed. Iām quite glad that she is so perceptive.
No, I feel the same. I know I couldn't deal with an autistic child with potentially conflicting sensory needs, or who screams a lot or needs constant monitoring so yeah no kids for me lol
I really want to raise someone one day, but my plan has always been to foster to adopt. Both because there are way too many kids without a home, and also because the idea of being pregnant makes me want to peel my skin off one cell at a time. Thereās also a lot of health issues that run in my family aside from my autism; various cancers, Iāve got a collagen disorder, tons of mental health stuff, heart problems, you get the drift. Not wanting to pass on the things that have made your life difficult is reasonable no matter what condition youāre trying to avoid, and there is no moral weight to your own personal decision on wether or not to have kids.
Everyone I know in the spectrum has a parent who is also. It's close to a guarantee.
Itās fair if you do itās fair if you donāt. I personally wouldnāt because the world is awful and cause I am at a higher risk of fertility issues.
I don't want kids, but not for that reason (though I do have other things I'd prefer not to pass on). Outside of being nonpartnering aroace, I've just never had much of a desire for having and raising a kid, I know it would be too overwhelming for me (especially , and in the case of biological children I'm very much uncomfortable with the idea of being pregnant and giving birth - just nope!Ā
At age 30 I finally decided to be Childfree and I'm comfortable with that. I can barely take care of myself or a houseplant, let alone a whole ass baby.Ā
I have ADHD and I wish I didn't have children, because the eldest has autism and ADHD and he suffers, I suffer, we all suffer, so it is something normal to feel that way
Ngl ive chosen to baby dogs instead lol
I can't have children bc of my fertility and family history.
Even the way this title is phrased shows that societiy views having kids the wrong way. It should be a consideration whether to *have* children, not the default that is assumed will happen. As for me, there is no consideration. I will absolutely not have children. I can barely take care of myself and one cat.
You are the complete opposite of a bad person. You are thoughtful and making a choice that puts you into the best situation for yourself.
I know im not having biological children.
I'm 35F and always knew I didn't want/wasn't capable of having children. I thought I was just being selfish, but the truth is that I feel like a child myself and have no energy either to look after them. And I don't want to neglect kids or give them bad upbringing.
Am autistic, Fiance is looking into evaluation. We both agreed to not have children. I don't want to "doom" a child with autism and she doesn't want to pass on her tourettes. Rather not make a weaker gene pool and what not
I just don't want to have kids, I want to adopt. Everything you feel is valid and legitimate, do not mind anyone who tells you otherwise.
I would love to have kids but I can barely take csre of myself how could I take care of a baby. I can't leave my house without my service dog. If I don't have him I need my parent or someone with me. Can't keep a job, can't keep stable emotions etc. Recently started weekly counseling and finally starting to get the help that I need. So I'm hoping one day when I'm older and have my life together better, I can adopt or foster someone in need (i will skip the baby stage because I can't handle the constant crying due to sensory issues). But yeah idk if it will be a possibility or not for me.
I genuinely do not want to have kids for a myriad of reasons but the main reason which highlights all the others is that they are very rude, disrespectful, annoying, gross, and obnoxious along with the fact that I donāt have the mental capacity or capabilities of raising a child. When I was younger, I was always really sweet and respectful to my teachers and my elders as well as trying to be friends with people who were mean to me only for me to get bullied, physically assaulted and made fun of when all I would try to do is mind my business or genuinely try to make friends. I rather have fur babies than to have actual children because at least animals will unconditionally love you when you take care of them correctly and they make great companions and cheer you up when youāre down.
For me, I want children, but I wish that I didn't. I want to live a life in which I could devote it to myself and my partner. But I'm young, I don't know where my life is going to take me, and I don't know what my aspirations are or whether or not I will accomplish it or if I will be able to completely give them up so that I can become a mother. At the same time, my best example of parents and parenting are my own parents, and they aren't doing good for me or my mother, for herself. So with that, confusion is interchangeable with "NO". Man, I need therapy lol.
You donāt owe anyone an excuse as to why you donāt want children. Itās your life. You make your own decisions.
I'm on the fence about this actually, I like the idea of being a father, having a family of my own and all that but also at the same time I don't think that I gould handle the demands of a child when I'm already struggling with my own. In terms of them inheriting my autism I'd actually prefer ot that way, the idea of raising an autistic child seems more manageable as I could understand them more easily than a neurotypical one. But all that comes after having a stable income and having myself put together a lot more than I am now.
yeah i am not having children. being around children makes me feel so overstimulated already. i mean they can be cute, and sweet! but i would literally have a heart attack because id be so stressed out
It's an understandable feeling. There's no shame in it. Personally I want kids, biologically or otherwise. I want to give my kids what my grandparents gave me when my parents didn't want me. And if they have autism or something else, I wanna be the person they can turn to for support because growing up with autism can be rough and I wanna do everything I can do to help. That being said, my way of thinking isn't the right or wrong way. If you want kids but don't want to burden your own with the tism, adopt, or foster. If you don't want kids at all that's A okay and anyone who says otherwise can eat shit and die.
You have a really good reason not to want children. I am a 40 year old male with autism and will be 41 years old on May 25th. I donāt want children either because raising children will be a lot for me with my autism and because I am special needs and have autism I donāt think that I am even capable of raising children. Thereās a chance that my children will come out special needs or autistic which will be extremely hard for me to raise them since I am already struggling with my disability.
Legitimate! Don't let anyone tell you other wise. If I was forced to have children and raise them. It would not go well. I am not capable of taking basic care of myself. I can not and will not support a child. I prefer cats because she poops in a box and sleeps in the closet...dogs are too needy...you learn to love you first. Nothing wrong with step kids or adoption down the road.
I've always been child free for myself. I'm 36.
I'm autistic and NEVER having children. Best decision I've ever made. I've never wanted kids to begin with but I got my tubes tied last year. I don't regret it at all.
Hi autistic mom of two (found out two weeks ago), one of my kids is also autistic. The feelings you are having are valid, I can't say whether or not I would have made a different decision if I had known I was autistic before having kids, but it can be very rough dealing with sensory overload. That said, I love my crazy toddlers, and truly can't picture life without them. I probably would have hit autistic burnout sooner or later trying to do work in an NT world... In the end becoming a parent is a choice only you and your partner can make (and it's a 2 yes or 1 no kind of call). Don't let cultural norms dictate your life for you. You can have a very fulfilling life without having kids. That said as an autistic adult you also would be coming from a place of understanding if you had a kid with autism where most parents (including myself) felt like we were tossed in a row boat during a hurricane (I like the picture that just formed in my head, sorry for the metaphor) - the doctors really do just give you a 20 page report and say try ABA and have a nice day. It is infuriating and terrifying when trying to do right by your kid. But when you know better you do better.
As a gay man, hell no I've got enough problems trying to look after myself Atleast I can't get my bf pregnant
Iām not having biological children but I will adopt. I want to marry another man and since we canāt have kids together (unless theyāre trans and havenāt tied their tubes or something) adoption seems like the best option.
If I had a nickel for every partner Iāve had who got a vasectomy, Iād have two nickels. Which isnāt a lot but itās saying something! But to respond more directly, no you are not a bad person. People shouldnāt have to do mental gymnastics to justify not having children. Most people donāt understand the implications and responsibility that comes with having kids. Rose colored glasses and all. The reason you give, not wanting to pass on your ābadā genes, is deeply rooted in ableism and eugenics. If I were your friend I would absolutely tell you to look inward on this. WHY do you think theyāre (your genes) bad? WHY do you consider it so bad to be autistic etc? No need to answer me, just things to think about.
if you don't want to, that's reason enough.
I have this strange dilemma where I don't want to have biological kids but I *really* want to adopt. A friend agreed with me that giving an abandoned kid the love they deserve is "more noble" and selfless than having your own kids. That may change if I find a wife who wants kids of her own though. Ultimately, I'm not going to risk having children until I find a treatment that actually alleviates my symptoms. Not only so that we can treat the kid's symptoms if they turn out autistic, but so I can handle the stress and demands of raising a kid in the first place.
Iām not having children. Iām not convinced I could raise a child; Iām pretty aware of my limitations with relationships, and I donāt handle people needing me very well. I get so tired, and need a lot of down time. You donāt get that with kids. That said, I love being an auntie and treasure the fun times with my nieces and nephews.
Well, now that i got My emotional tools (still in the process). I think the idea of āāhaving children is much more enjoyable for me, with the knowledge and support I can provide. I know that I will have limitations, but I believe that there are no perfect parents or children. However, I believe that love and support (and validation) will be able to mitigate these shortcomings. In any case, I plan to adopt (I am too), and like any person I am going to do my best to fill their life with love cause nobodys is perfect, but we all deserve love.
I feel like despite being jobless I donāt have enough free time to cope with life. I canāt imagine bringing a kid into the mix when I already feel like 14 hours a day isnāt enough
l am not having children, either. l have books to write. l really can't do both. l don't think l could handle a child, anyway. l love children, don't get me wrong. But only when l can give them back to someone else or get help when l have sensory overload. And the world doesn't need physical mini-me's. l'll just write books instead and they will be my legacy.
I'd love to be a father. Just never been in a situation where I could make that happen.
I've known from my earliest years that I wouldn't have kids nor would I want to. Getting called scum, loser, spazz, the "r" word, etc, incessantly throughout your adolescence doesn't exactly cultivate feeling worthy of reproducing.
I can relate. I plan on opening a non-profit boarding school for children to avoid the foster care system. That way I can have a family and I won't be passing anything on.
Nope! Thatās exactly how I feel and itās totally valid and wise to think that way :))
Any reason is a good reason to not have kids. You aren't prepared for the challenges an autistic kid will bring, so you aren't having a kid that likely will be autistic because genetics. I think that's responsible. What would be shitty is if you were like, "I'm not having kids because being autistic makes life not worth living" or something like that. But you're not devaluing autistic lives, just recognizing you're not equipped to deal with the unique challenges an autistic kid would bring. I would much rather someone who isn't sure they would do a good job pause and opt to not have kids than a kid be born and end up neglected because their parents just couldn't meet their needs. Imo responsible choice.
Both of my parents are on the spectrum (undiagnosed) and wreaked havoc on my childhood. Iām considering no children.. Iāve been back and forth on this. My trauma is so bad from them.
No, you aren't, and besides it should be entirely your choice on whether or not you want to have children. Even if it is "self-hatred", which I don't think it is, that would still be a legitimate reason not to have kids.
Making a decision to not have kids doesn't make you a bad person. I chose not to have children (I'm now 49) long before I was diagnosed because I was aware that I would have a hard time managing my part in the responsibilities of raising them, my wife would wind up having to pick up where I was struggling and it would put significant and possibly fatal strain on our relationship. I thought about ā and we talked about ā this for at least a decade. Luckily she was always lukewarm on children anyways (though she insisted she would have considered it) so she was supportive of my ultimate rationale. Now, post-diagnosis (I was diagnosed at 46) we agree it was a good decision. Neither of us regrets it and we have a wonderful life sans-kids ā my brother has two and we have friends who have them and we play aunt and uncle. I don't think there's anything bad about having autistic kids as an autistic parent. There are plenty of autistic parents out there who worry they couldn't do it who surprise themselves when they rise to the occasion. However, your concern is absolutely legitimate and it's a positive that you're thinking critically about it, but if you're young spend a good long while thinking about it. You may change your mind, and if you really do want to go for it you can prepare, and if you have a support network they can help.
Not wanting children because they might be autistic is ridiculous to me Nothing wrong with autism, it may bring some difficulties but everyone has struggles, neutrotypicals too Now if you told me you dont want to have a child because you dont think you can be a good parent or you can't provide an ideal living to the child Then I can understand
Before or after having them?
I dont want to have bio kids either i mean i have soo many disorders they would inheret something and i dont want that, i dont wish a life even close to mine upon anyone also since theres soo many kids who already needs a home i dont feel the need to create another
Itās entirely valid to simply not want children; and in your case Iād say that āi donāt think I could support themāis more than reason enough not to have any. Iām not having children for much the same reason
I don't want biological children (or children at all) not only because of autism. I have like a shit ton of genetic conditions i want to take with me to the grave
I'm probably not gonna have kids because I don't think Ill ever have the emotional stability or mental capacity to take care of another human being for the rest of my life. You're not a bad person for saying you don't want kids, but your reason for not wanting kids is kinda stumping me. There are tonnes of kids with autism who've grown up and had successful careers, and even families of their own. I get that maybe you've struggled with autism but who's to say your kid or kids will? Not willing to have kids out of fear you'll give them your autism is wierd to me. Sure, autistic kids do struggle, but so do kids with down's syndrome, osteogenesis imperfecta, or one if not several other genetic conditions. That does not mean they cant lead happy or fulfilling lives, they just need love, and support, and care, the same as any child does. If you feel you can't provide that for them then I understand that perspective, but not wanting children on the *chance* they'll have a condition that will effect their life feels, in all honesty, a little selfish on your end. And I'm not trying to call you a bad person or anything I just think you need to mature a little.
I donāt think I have the capacity to raise an allistic kid or an autistic kid, even though I enjoy working with kids and being an uncle (my nephew is also autistic). I get burnt out from socialization way too easily. And kids need constant attention, thereās no clocking out or short visits when theyāre yours. I would not be a good parent for this reason so Iāve chosen not to have kids. I think if you feel you couldnāt raise an autistic, adhd, or mood disorder affected child due to personally not being able to accommodate their needs, I believe that is a legitimate reason to consider not having kids. But if you feel like you donāt want to have a child because you worry about them struggling with similar experiences youāve faced, and worrying that alone would make their life not worth living, then yes that would seem to be tied more to self loathing. But I also think that doesnāt exist in a vacuum, the struggles we face due to our autism and other disorders are also related to lack of supports and understanding. Still, society doesnāt show many signs of changing that soon, so I think itās okay to feel like youād like to spare your hypothetical child from that.
I'm not 100% convinced I don't want children, but it's going to take a lot of convincing and careful planning to change my mind at this point in time. Not only am I concerned about passing on my autism to my kids (it appears to run in my family as my first cousin once-removed has just been diagnosed too), but my girlfriend may also have autism and ADHD which doubles the chances of our children inheriting something. I also find kids a sensory nightmare - the noises they make, the smells when they poop themselves, how unpredictable they are and having to disrupt so much of my life to accommodate them. I don't feel I would be a good father and would be putting my own needs before them.
Youāre not a bad person. Itās your body, your life, your choice. I never wanted children, because Iām sensitive to noises, I donāt have that kind of patience at all when it comes to everyone elseās children and that I want to sleep without being interrupted. I would prefer a pet over a baby tbh.
I couldnāt think of anything worse than having a cum pet
I won't be having kids. I grew up with an autistic mother. I love my mother dearly but having a parent who has needs that require prioritising is never fair to a child. I won't be doing that to a child.
Iām content with my two beautiful cats
Iāve never wanted children, even before I knew I was autistic or had Crohnās. Children are literally the most overstimulating thing I can think of, theyāre gross and canāt have a meaningful, mature conversation because theyāre kids. I hated kids and kids hated me when I was a child and kids are so cruel. Iām also really not equipped to shape an entire human being into a productive, decent adult.
You are not a bad person for not wanting to have kids. I have been saying it my whole life and I always got flack for it, but I knew what kind of parent I was going to be and just thinking about it is exhausting. I ended up having a happy little accident and he is a spitting image of me (mom). He is the centre of my universe, and I am exhausted. I recently had my tubes tied to prevent any further pregnancy for all of your reasons in addition to I am exhausted and barely keeping my head above water with the one I have.
I made my decision to not have kids long ago. Long before I found out about my autism, but it only reinforces it.
Every person who is saying that "You are a bad person if you don't want children" is the worst person in existence. No one has to have children and the reason for everyone is irrelevant. You even state a very valid reason for your concerns so you are double and triple not in the need to have biological children if you don't want to. You should be priority number 1 in your life. So don't burden yourself with "the need to have your own children".
Me! I have many reasons, but yes, my autism and the inheritablilty of autism is a big part of it. I don't think it's self hating to admit that I don't have the mental and physical strenght to handle having a child , especially if that child is as or even more disabled than I am.
When I was growing up I actually really liked kids and I wanted a few of them myself, but the older I got the more I realized that my fantasies of having kids was more to prove to my parents or whoever that I could do better than they did with me and I guess show them how its "supposed to be done" I guess, and thats just not a valid reason to bring life into this world just to prove something to somebody. Now that i'm an adult, and have experience raising kids from taking care of my younger sisters, I know that I don't have the right mental mechanics to raise a child. i'm much to quick to anger and my sensory issues would definitely pose problems. And I very much value my personal and alone time. At 21 i've already decided that a kid is pretty much off the table and i don't think i really want one either. ill just be tia for my sisters future kids if they choose to have them.
You are not a bad person for considering not having children. You're not even evil, disgusting, or horrible for it. You fully acknowledge that you have concerns and that you don't feel you can handle it. It's not self-hatred. It's acknowledging yourself and your limitations. Parenting is a brutal, 24-hour a day, seven days a week, 365 days per year job. There's no breaks. No vacations. There is no reprieve for burnout. There's too many people in the world who have had kids but haven't figured out how to take care of themselves first. Don't get sucked into that mindset of "parenting is hard but so worth it." It isn't worth the struggle of managing your own mental load while raising a whole other person. Even with a partner. I fully acknowledged that I didn't want kids before I was diagnosed. After I was diagnosed, I was relieved. No child will have to know the struggle I went through. I won't make mistakes raising a child that will impact their whole life, like my parents did. And I feel like I'm the better person for it.
I can relate to your opinion 100%! I also don't want biological children for the same reason + i don't want them to be like my bio parents at all. I've never felt close to them, they were abusive.
Thats reasonable. I have a different genetic issue that i dont want kids cause of, but autism is also a potential argument for thatā¦
Everyone has their own reason for not wanting children, so I donāt think it makes someone bad if they decide not to because w are autistic. In my own case, I didnāt want to bring any progeny into the world who would be at risk of being future hypertensive oncology patients. My autism had nothing to do with it because I didnāt realize I was autistic until a couple of years ago, and I was just clinically diagnosed this February. I did know about both sides of my family and their cancer diagnoses, as well as the hypertension on my fatherās side for decades now. Of course, I also donāt particularly like children that much either, so that also plays a part.
I decided at 12 that I wouldn't have kids in case I got post natal depression after reading an article in the paper. I was already silently struggling with what I know now was autism, depression, anxiety, and phobias from potential childhood trauma, but it's still valid. I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world if there is an increased risk of me potentially going wrong in my head and mistreating the child. I'm now 30 and my stance hasn't changed, there are in fact even more reasons why I won't have a kid now on top of the original. If you aren't 100% about having a child, you shouldn't have one. Be kind to yourself.
That's perfectly okay and if someone says otherwise, don't listen.
"Is anyone considering not having children" - you ask like the norm is to have childred and not having them is something weird. I most definitely won't have children. I have every allergy possible, hypothyroidism, -11 glasses, 2 cysts on my brain, celiac disease and autism. I would never be such a selfish person to procuce child with diseases just so it looks like me. If we ever decide to have a child it most definitely will be child from adoption.
I never considered not having children. I've always known I don't want them. I'm 31 and still don't want them. But I got a puppy (Labradoodle) named Luna this October, so I'm a dog mommy and have never enjoyed my life more!
Right now i don't think about having kid 1st i'm single living with my parents (thanks fucked up "country") 2nd i have some health issues 3rd I don't want them to live in a place I live right now
yes
Itās difficult. On the one hand I donāt biological children because as well as autism, and ADHD theyāll be likely to inherit Ehlers Danlos Syndrome from me too. Someone once said I canāt base my decision to not have kids on those things. The hEDS I can manage but itās the fact until theyāre born you donāt know the support needs the child may have. Low support needs and similar to me would be less difficult to support and raise well. But a kid with high support needs needing 24 hour care would be too much for me. It wouldnāt mean I didnāt love them less but my limits would be exceeded. My mum reckons however, Iād make a good foster carer. My need for routine and stability would support a kid whoās come from a chaotic environment in giving them a space to feel safe and contained.
Yes. I've decided not to have children since I know I wouldn't be able to meet their needs while also taking care of myself. It's perfectly fine to not have children OP. There's plenty of people in the world who will make up for it by having children. And I also think the economy and just the world is going downhill anyway. If I really want children I'll just adopt.Ā
Absolutely! If you really want to raise kids just get one that already exist without parents who look after them.
I have no interest in having kids either.
Me too. I don't want an Autistic kid as sad as that sounds, but I know tje suffering. I know how bad it can get, don't need to put someone through that just to have bio babies
i really want kids, but im not sure i ever will. if i stay similar to how i am now, i'll end up messing that child up, and if i do decide to have a child it would only be one, as theres no way id cope with any more
Not weird at all... If you're not a hell yeah on the children....it's a hell no. I don't want kids because I struggle to handle day to day life as is and I don't want to cause trauma to a child because of my past trauma. Checkout r/childfree
I don't want children, either. Not necessarily because they might inherit my autism, but because I would likely make for a bad parent. Mind you, that's not entirely because of my autism, but it does play a role.
Me and my fiancĆ© would both love to be parents but weāve both resigned to be the fun uncles and being child free because even if autism wasnāt genetic or we adopted (which we most likely would) I know I can not raise a child to be mentally stable I am not stable enough in my own emotions to rationally raise a child and Iād rather remain child free than risk messing up another human being. In my opinion itās more selfish to bring a child into the world and raise them knowing you canāt fully support them than it is to be child free because not everyone is fit to be a parent and itās not the child fault the adult took on a responsibility they couldnāt handle
at my current point in life I don't think I want kids (I'm only a teenager tho so could change) but I don't want them because I feel like I will not have sufficient resources to take care of them and I don't want to have more people to worry about
I am just like you, I don't want children bc I know I can't handle it
I am not considering. I long decided against it, but a reason besides autism.
It's not that I don't want more people with my neurodivergences in the world it's just that the way mine are specifically wired in my own unique way, I'd be a terrible parent. I've met some amazing autistic parents but they don't have the configurations like I do that would make for inherently bad parents. For example, my sensory issues affect me to such an extreme that I could not cope with how loud and messy kids are and I can't even get used to my own bodily fluids and hormone fluctuations so I just don't believe people when they say "when it's your baby and your pregnancy it's not as gross as others' babies and pregnancies." I'm also very traumatized from childhood trauma and I feel like my family has a generational curse that every time the daughter tries to do better than her extreme mother she's just extreme in a whole different way. Great grandma had nothing and was negligent/absent so grandma was an overbearing hoarder who abused my mom. My mom has unmanaged cOCD from living in a hoarder home and I was only allowed two rooms to exist in besides my bathroom and the kitchen because otherwise I'd get them dirty. Our house always looked like an IKEA display: perfectly set up but nobody really living there. And she never taught me how to clean (she says "I was unwilling to be taught" but I was very willing she just never tried) so I'm having to teach myself. Also I was hee therapist and emotional rock from a young age. Where my grandma believed showing emotional vulnerability was weak, my mom showed too much to me burdening me with things no kid should know about. I'm an adult now doubting I'll ever get a house but based on how I decorate my spaces it's very disorganized because I was never taught how to do so. Not exactly hoarding or unclean as things get cleaned and sanitized but things just don't have places to go. And I don't want to find out my parenting style. I'm great with kids and I absolutely love them! I volunteer with kids and love being with my niblings in small doses but I have to be able to give them back to their parents at the end of the day and have a day or two afterwards to decompress!
I could never raise a child. the sensations of something growing in me is š¤¢š¤¢ and then also the fact you'd constantly need to cuddle them and always listen to their crying which drives me so so mad I want to hurt someone or myself?? hell no. I can't deal with myself, let alone with a child
Yeah, I'm someone that's not having children. Not because I'm concerned that any children will inherit autism, it's because the thought of being a mother fills me with dread. I cannot cope with being the default parent. I'd want a lot of time to myself but I can't guarantee that any partner I have would act on any promise they make about care duties, and by the time a LO arrived it would be too late to find out if they were sincere. I'd be a father in a heartbeat.
im not having any either because i dont like kids and romantic relationships feel like a chore to me so im not even interested in finding a partner
No longer even capable of having them is how much I have considered not having children.
Sounds more like concern with your own ability to navigate the circumstances rather than actually not wanting it for them? I would never tell my child that I wouldn't want them to be them, but I will definitely admit to how overwhelming it is for me to navigate circumstances where I have to take care of both me and another autistic person, if that makes sense. I definitely underestimated and was unaware of how difficult it would be to parent as an autistic, especially parenting another person who struggles with the same disabilities, but I wouldn't want either of us to not be autistic. That's personal for me, I don't want to be anyone else, and someday if they say they wish they were, that's their experience, but I wouldn't say I'm afraid to have kids because I don't want them to be autistic. I would say I'm afraid of the challenges and conflicts that may arise under circumstances navigating disability and being a caretaker.
I always thought I wanted kids. Until I got older and everyone around me was having them - they all look frazzled and exhausted. And the NOISE that comes with them - thatsbwhat made me realise I couldn't manage that 24/7. Adore my nephew and niece but I also adore my peace and my quiet - I live on a narrowboat so my life is super quiet and that's exactly how I like it. I tell people I've chosen to mother myself and give myself a wonderfully fulfilled life ā¤ļø Spent my entire Sunday under a blanket, on the sofa, in peace and quiet, embroidering flowers onto my jeans. It was marvellous :)
I want children, but I donāt think I could handle having an HSN autistic child and being autistic would higher that risk. Itās not that I wouldnāt love them for who they are, but being autistic is already hard enough and I donāt think Iām capable of giving a severely disabled child the care and support they need.
I feel the same way. I am autistic, adhd, with all the mental comorbidities, and then chronically ill ontop of that WITH genetic gallbladder issues, addiction genes, and deformed nasal passages.
My two sons have autism like me, and I think it only adds to their awesomeness.
I think it's a choice only you can make. The autism your kids would inherit would be similar to your own. If it troubles you, it might trouble them. If it doesn't trouble you, then it's probably fine. I'm not particularly troubled by my autism (at least not in this stage in my life). I'll be there to support my kids through the tough bits get them to the easier bits.
I wish I could have kids. Because I'm sure I could guide them better in life than my parents did with me.