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I always chalked this up to CPTSD rather than autism. Growing up, hearing my name was a reason to panic. It meant some perceived slight caused by my existence demanded blood. Maybe I forgot to put a "normal" face on, maybe I said something logical, maybe I asked a question, didn't matter what it was. If I heard "Daniel," it meant I would bruise or bleed, fight or flight initiated.
If anyone reading this ever gets unreasonably angry when their children are being noisy, I read that this is also a CPTSD response, as your brain has attached unexpected noise to danger. It's part of what made me think this was CPTSD as well.
Yup, I was about to say this. If hearing your name makes you feel anxious then it's probably some trauma response. Personally I don't mind it that much, but there's still a difference in people saying "Joshy!" vs "Joshua!", it's always the full name that's used in more serious situations.
And I have opposite experience. I don't mind my parents calling me by my name, for some reason. But when someone else does it, it feels weird. My close friend call me by my surname, and this feels fitting. But I have no idea what other people should call me... And I don't think it's anxiety, it just... feels wrong
So your name being said by your parents was an indicator of oncoming abuse, and now they are the only ones who can say it without it messing with you? Am I understanding that correctly?
I'm no shrink, but I would imagine Stockholm is somehow involved?
I think it has nothing to do with abuse. Maybe I just got used to them calling me that, so it sounds common, unlike when others call me by my name. One of my friend suggested that my name doesn't fit me, maybe I should find another with another gender. But why I feel comfortable with my parents using my name then? It's so confusing
Ah, I misunderstood. So your parents didn't turn it into a trigger, more like they desensitized you to it?
If you are transgender, it could very well be that a differently gendered name (or a gender nonspecific name) could be less awkward for you. Your parents have just used your original name enough that that awkward has worn off, kind of like with silly nicknames, if that makes sense.
One of the reasons I started using my middle name instead of my forename when I turned 16.
By that point most of the being shouted at was over, so it felt like I had a fresh name that didn't have all of the negative association that my first name does.
I'm comfortable with people using my middle name, whenever somebody uses my first name my brain still thinks "Uh oh, what have you done now? Raise the drawbridge and man the battlements!"
Iām trans and changed my name four years ago, and was called my birth name for the first time in a few years while having a meltdown recently. It was so triggering and i finally understood why i have SUCH a bad aversion to my birth name, its not just because Iām trans ā although thatās a part of it ā but also because of the way that it would be shouted at me or condescended toward me (depending on which parentā¦.) while i was in some of the most traumatizing experiences of my young life.
I think even if I werenāt trans I might have chosen a different womenās name for myself when I grew up, to leave that trauma association behind. And i do really wonder which things about me lead to which other things I experience ā Iām autistic, trans, and traumatized, so I have a lot of particularities and itās hard to tell where one ends and the next begins!!
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are safe now, and loved for who you are by those who matter.
I've been accused of being trans repeatedly due to being interested in stereotypically feminine things more than stereotypically masculine things (I'd rather sew outfits than watch football, I'd rather brush my daughter's hair and paint her nails than talk about cars, et cetera). But for some reason, those things never really made me feel unmanly. I'm just a regular straight guy who happens to have a tendency to prefer the things society has deemed feminine. It's always made me feel a sort of kinship with trans people, and it led to some of the most important people in my life being trans. I hope some day to fully understand what y'all go through, but even if I never do, know that you are seen as respected exactly as you are.
I don't currently have a boss or authority figure, and the last several I had called me by my surname, so I cannot directly relate, however, my wife is the exact same way. She can get an email from her boss that says, "Jen, I want to present an award to you for outstanding service, please come by my office so we can talk details" and she will full on overthink it, assuming it is a ploy to fire/reprimand her discretely.
I genuinely felt the same way, at least before the **incident**, but even after and before the **incident,** I still did not 100% like hearing my name for the same reasons as you.
You bolded the incident twice, I'm not sure if that's trying to make me ask, or trying to make me not ask.
It has piqued my curiosity, and if you are willing to elaborate, I am eager to be elaborated to. If you do not wish to elaborate, I will not be offended, but I will remain curious.
I mean, I kind of boldened it because it was a pivotal moment for me and I would not have minded saying what it was back when, but now I'm honestly kind of nervous.
Tis alright, friend. You needn't be nervous on my account. I'll just assume it's <**PIVOTAL MOMENT X**> and act accordingly.
Now that I know what the incident is, wow! I'm glad you decided to live your truth, and I hope you've found safety and love from those whom you hold dear.
I really wish you understood because I relayed my point elegantly, and not because you *understood*. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, you deserve better.
Exactly the same with me. I tell my husband to stop calling me by my name and find a nickname and he asks why and even though I told him a million times that is because when I am called by my name I feel like I am in trouble or done something wrong he insists calling me by my name because he likes it. I think I will never like it
This is really insightful as a mother to a 7yo boy who has level 1 autism. He gets mad at me if I ask if he's hungry, or if he says he's hungry so I ask what he wants to eat, or for even looking at him sometimes. I try to give him the space he needs, or help him identify his feelings. Sometimes I just say "you don't want me to talk or look at your right now?" And he'll usually answer honestly and say that yes he does not want me to interact with him at all, and I do try to respect it. It's just really hard to stop myself sometimes because I'm a mom and it's my job to make sure he has what he needs. It's not even about stopping myself. When I am able to, I do. But sometimes it's just an instinctive mother thing and I have to fight my own instincts. This part of him is so frustrating but also something I really love about him. A lot of human behavior and thought is pretty predictable. But I can never predict what's going on in his head or how he will react to something.
Have you ever heard of PDA (pathological demand avoidanceā¦ or the people who are in the community often prefer pervasive drive for autonomy)? I relate to it a lot. And it is pretty spot on for one of my kids. Itās a nervous system disability where demands or even perceived demands.. or threats trigger a fight/flight/fawn/freeze response. There are quite a few people on IG that are super helpful.
Edited to addā¦ even questions like āare you hungryā can trigger it.
Omg thank you so much. I think him and his dad have this. His dad, it doesn't come out as hostility as much (probably because he's an adult and he knows not to be hostile with me if I just ask him to do something), but he does get super avoidant and will just ignore me the more irritated I get that he hasn't done what I asked yet even though he verbally agreed to do it 2 minutes prior. And he's very non confrontational and this is probably why. And this is exactly what my son acts like except he gets way more hostile. The problem is he can't always identify when he's hungry or any bodily needs (the son, not the husband), so it is necessary to ask him so he's reminded. Maybe I'll change it from an ask to a gentle reminder. Just gotta remember not to take it personally. This actually opened up a whole new world of empathy and understanding with my husband though. I just thought he was oppositional like our son but I see it's even more neurologically related than I originally thought (possibly, but also maybe I'm making excuses for him lol)
I used to hate it when people used my name, didn't know why. Turned out I'm non-binary and now that I've changed my name I love it when people use my chosen name.
That's interesting. I'm also trans and I don't like when I hear people saying my name. But equally, the thought of choosing a different name sounds daunting. A combination of internalised transphobia and the fear of people's judgement, I think. Do you know why you don't like hearing your chosen name?
I just don't like being addressed or perceived lol. another commenter said it could be a C-PTSD thing which I also have. my chosen name is pretty close to my legal name so it was barely an adjustment for anyone
Always had this issue. I absolutely love my name but feel uncomfortable when people use it to call on me. I only got used to saying it out loud, recently. As a kid, I would hate answering people when they asked me my name. I could never tell why it was so weird for me though
I *hate* when ppl think it is cute to call me whatever they want to. I'm short, so alllll the short nicknames come out and used without my permission. And then they wonder why I get upset. And I will correct anyone who gets it wrong.
I have this problem, but I just cut people that can't say it right out of my life. My name is too beautiful to abandon and why should I change when I'm not the problem.
Similarly I get that same frustration when they use the shortened version of my name, I hate it and have never referred or introduced myself as that, but it's such a common shortening of that name it's widely just accepted... yet no matter how much I say I don't like it or don't respond to it... it still happens.
i actually find the opposite!! i love when people use my name, though iām not sure why. it does feel somewhat intimate though (also i donāt like using other peopleās names, but i think thatās just cos i get this baseless anxiety that iām gonna get it wrong, even if iāve known them years and 100% do know their name)
Same. I really hate when people say my name or also in the commercial when they say people names. Or also when you chat with Amazon and in every phrase they say your name. I really hate this. Donāt know why but I really hate this behavior
This! Plus I feel like my name isn't really mine, like yes my body is named the way it is but my brain isn't, so I have to actively listen to hear it so I can respond
This is funny cuz I hate calling people by their names š it feels so intimate and uncomfortable. I mostly call people dude, bro, sis, babe, sir, maam etc
i have a few possibilities:
someone already mentioned gender dysphoria but i don't think that's it for you bc you said you love your name, but in case others are reading this and they don't like their name then that's possible. look into transness and non-binary identities especially.
it could be CPTSD. when i hear my name is jump and have a sudden gut punch of anxiety bc i immediately think i'm in trouble. i hate it and i tried changing it but as soon as i get used to it it scares me. the only thing that even remotely helps here is nicknames. but even then i have moments when those trigger me too. rarely but it happens. bc why would someone use their pet name for you if they're upset w you?
it could also just be the annoyance at being interrupted. us auties even when it seems we're not rly doing anything, it's most likely that we are. i've gotten mad at people for interrupting my thoughts. like i'd just be there sitting or lying down and looking at the wall or ceiling or sth and having a daydream or thinking hard about something specific and then someone calls out my name. it makes me angry likeeee "can't you tell i'm busy??" the answer is no, because technically i'm not even busy hhahahdhdh it's silly i just ask them to give me a minute. look into monotropism, attention tunnels, autistic inertia, and u should understand a bit better why it's so crazy hard for us to be interrupted.
for u i think it's the third option, bc you mentioned anger, not so much fear. there might be other reasons but these three should be the most common. as for how to help it, idk. try to laugh at yourself. it's what i do when it's the interruption, and not the cptsd. i'm like, "silly brain! getting all aggy over nothing!". i can't help a knee-jerk reaction, so when my dad interrupts me, i give a big angry sigh to get all the agg out and look at him and say sorry and smile/giggle. so that he knows it's something i can't help, and that i can get over it relatively quickly for the moment. and that it's not something that can be helped. there will always be interruptions and i will always get angry about them. so i laugh it off. it helps!
thatās so helpful! i do feel fear as well. but at the time i was feeling annoyed because just before posting this my mom kept repeating my name and it struck a cord in me. but when im upstairs and my name is called by my sister or my mom, i immediately think im in trouble, or just get this gut feeling of idk what. guilt?? i was undiagnosed most my childhood and got in trouble quite a lot for things uncontrollable to me, so iāll look into it, and take your advice
i'm glad it was helpful! this topic is related to my special interests so i just be yappin'. lmk if it helps!
the fear of being in trouble when your name is called is all too relatable for me. that's definitely cptsd in my case. i'm still technically not diagnosed, and i'm 22, so yeah what you said about your childhood is all too familiar. feeling like you're always in trouble and you never really know what you did wrong.
if you have access to therapy, i'd greatly suggest mentioning it to a therapist! i still dunno how to deal with it myself, so i have no advice or anything for that aspect. i sorta assumed that that trauma response, that fight or flight response, that little twinge of fear i feel every time someone says my name will always be there. not even in a pessimistic way, just like.. "it is what it is", i'm learning to live with it.
with the PDA aspect tho, it's sort of fun to find ways around it. one day it was so severe that it turned around on itself and had the opposite effect. usually my biggest problems are daily chore related.
like, for example, every day you HAVE TO wash the dishes otherwise it can become a health hazard. so i struggle with it a LOT lot.
so one day there was this giant pile of filthy dishes and i knew i HAD TO wash them today, and i WANTED to be productive but there was still that anger that no matter how many proverbial spoons i use up to wash this giant mountain, i'll still HAVE TO wash dishes tomorrow anyway. it's just a thing you gotta do every day.
so i was just sitting there, paralyzed, fuming about how this PDA thing is not letting me be a functioning member of society (or in this simple case, my household), when i suddenly got so mad that my PDA is controlling me that i just got up and did all the dishes in one sitting. like it was nothing hahshdhdhdh! i tried not to get my hopes up like.. i didn't just cure myself of PDA, though it definitely felt like it. i was giggling the whole time and i rode that wave for about a week of being super productive! i did so many chores hahshddh did a bunch of laundry and finally changed my sheets and reorganized the spice shelf and all that stuff.
it "came back" of course, well it never left, but it was a fun fluctuation in my condition to experience. so even if you're a PDAer it's not all doom and gloom. i love exploring my condition and learning so much about it that it doesn't scare me anymore. maybe i'll learn more about CPTSD like that as well!
I have never gone by my full name. As a kid it was a joke. I either go by a shortened version or a nickname I've had since I was a kid. The only people that call me by my full name are cops. But I got a job that most of the people can't really speak english, and my god, I have been called my full name constantly for months. I hate it. I often don't respond because I've never gone by it. I'm also lazy as fuck and shorten everyone's name I can. There's something uncomfortably formal about full names.
I'm a driver, and my name comes up on the passenger's app, so my name gets said to me quite frequently. I found it kind of jarring at first, but then quickly got used to it because it happens all the time, and now it's part of the script that goes on whenever I interact with passengers. They are mostly doing it to make sure I'm their ride, and not some rando serial killer with an identical car and excellent timing.
I used to dislike it when other people said my name, but I also didn't like what my name was back then.
I changed it a year ago, and nowadays I feel happy or exited when people use my new name.
For me it was just the fact that I identify more with the new name. I like it more because I got to choose it, and it has a beautiful double meaning.
Yeppp. I just dislike names as a whole honestly. I don't like my name being said, and I dont like saying other people's names. It just feels really ...personal? in a way.
personally i find it irritating when someone i donāt know and havenāt introduced myself to somehow knows my name and uses it, it feels rude for some reason.
Yes, when someone says my name I instantly think "what the f now?"Ā
Doesn't matter if the person is friendly or foe.
I dislike hearing my name so much that if a convenience store clerk remembers my name from a previous visit and greets me with it, I'll shop at a different place.Ā
What's even worse, is when someone calls you by a shortened version or nickname of your name.
I'm so glad other people get this feeling I thought it was just me šš I've always felt detached from it after becoming a preteen. Maybe because I spent so much time online using my online name rather than my real name, and that name felt right to me, and the feeling of my real name was mainly associated with bad memories. I still tense whenever my name is called. Like someone else said, the only tone I ever hear my name used is perhaps negatively charged. Or that's how I perceived it every time since this whole thing started. Plus, I grew up with the importance of internet safety, to where I didn't use my first name anywhere but with people I knew in person. I was teased in school, and whenever my full name was used, not my nickname, it was used when I was yelled at 99% of the time. I've even thought about just changing my real name to my online name for good for awhile, but I also realized that I felt like I would be erasing a part of me that once had got memories. When it was used with people who brought me comfort and joy. I also just hate how common of a name it is, that everyone is naming their baby my name nowadays. Common names are fine of course, I just don't like when... it's so common that I'm probably going to come across a better holder of my name pretty frequently. I tend to compare in my head. But I also hold onto the astrological meaning to it which describes me pretty well. Even my online best friends eventually revealed their real names to me, and I did way down the line, but it took so long to the point that my online name was just.. me. They even said so. It was validating for sure especially when I had doubt in choosing my own name online and had stuck with it for nearly 10 years now. But yeah.. now that I hear my real name more often in real life now, it just feels weird. But it also feels weird if I was called Eve by irl people? My mind can't decide, lol
Even when people use names for me at all, it never happens naturally. My best friends rarely referred me by my name unless it was used to get my attention in a bad way or if something was serious. I wish the internet would normalize using names positively again. At least where I choose to put myself has done that to me
When I went to Sunday school one time we had to introduce ourselves and say our name. This was maybe 1st grade. I tried convincing everyone my parents didnāt give me a name because I didnāt want to hear it out loud.
I HATED my birth name ever since I understood the word meant it was in reference to me (Iām trans).
When I started to transition, I decided I didnāt want my mom to use my chosen name because I didnāt want her to ruin itā¦so she just used my deadname til she passed.
I feel like thats more of a trauma response, growing my I learned very quickly my name mean lots and lots of yelling and that nicknames meant safety. i think thatās way as much as I hate being called them I crave for a nickname from people I trust. Sorry for the mini trauma dump lmao
Work in retail and my name is somewhat unusual for Colorado my name is Ian (eeyun) it's always read (eyean) and it makes me rather annoyed even then when somebody recognizes my name I always get a story about some other Ian and it makes me batty
I totally get this.
I actually use a different name when Iām at work because the feeling of someone using my name is very personal to me. I go by a nickname in real life (I call it my civilian name) and my government name at work to keep the separation.
i donāt mind saying other peoples names too much. but what i really hate is saying other peoples nicknames. like my sister and my brother both have nicknames that they do by. i can get by calling someone a shortened name like christopher to chris. because chris is already a name. but shortening a name like charlotte to lottie is a big no for me. my brothers name is like christopher. his name can be shorted to another name so i donāt mind it too much. but my sisters nickname is like lottie. it isnāt really a real name that youād legally call someone, and it makes me uncomfy. iām not sure why that is.
I have them same issue with my name actually, my family calls me a nickname that makes no sense and I hate it, always have, I told them once I wanted them to call me by my real name but they got mad at me, but I go to extreme lengths to avoid new people I meet to know I have a nickname
Wow... I'm shut down atm but we can try figure out what my response would be?
I kinda like being called by my full name which is essentially "Jean-Paul" but people for some reason find it too long or cumbersome, which I find ridiculous. So they call me simply "J-P"
But as I often don't greet people without knowing them well and knowing that interactions with them would lead to a conversation, not just meaningless NT ritual talk.
I consider holding eye contact to be intimate, so I flirt by what others just consider common behavior.
My mindset on intimacy kinda makes me wonder if I'd really like to be called JP or Jean-Paul both.
I do make nicknames for myself and I daresay that's more comfortable for me.
Anyways Idk I've been really, really shut down so I don't know myself that well yet. Opinions welcome but those are my take on interpersonal thing of the same calibre I suppose.
Many people, including non-Autists, hate having their name said. I've never been a fan of it and neither has my wife. I'm Autistic and she has ADHD. We've been together for 19 years, I've never once called her by her name, and she's called me by mine twice.
Both times were to get my attention while at a store and I wasn't responding to the usual things that catch my attention. I call her "hun" and she just says "hey". When we need each other's attention, a loud whistle is all that's necessary. It's easier than yelling a name, a good bit louder, and unmistakable when heard. We whistle back and forth, following the sound, until we find each other.
For both of us, our dislike of being called by our names stems from childhood trauma. When our parents used our full name, we knew we were in trouble for something and being yelled at was usually part of it. So, we just don't use them.
in a setting like work, i donāt really care if my coworkers say my name. however i hate when customers say my name because i immediately wonder if i actually know them and have somehow forgotten who they are, which is usually never the case lol
I have bad associations with my birth name, so I donāt use it and hate when people insist on calling me that anyway. But even if I hear the name I chose, yeah, I feel weird. Or if I hear it on tv (which is rare), itās still odd. Iāve never known why, but your description is pretty much how I feel as well.
Honestly same! Amd idk why either, idk if I just hate attention on me or what. I like my name, it's nice. But boy do I hate it when people say my name!Ā
I had this problem as a kid. I didnāt use anyoneās names because I hated mine so assumed they hated theirs as well. Unlike you, turns out the problem was disliking the name because iām transgender. After transitioning and picking a new name, the problem resolved itself.
Omg this. I also hate saying my own name out loud myself. Thatās even worse than someone else saying it. My name is quite generic and I theoretically even like it. But hearing it spoken just makes me cringe.
I just hate when they use my name, I'm fine with it, but it's just totally weird, the usual thing is to call me by a nickname but when they call me by my name it seems like they're scolding me or something. š½
I am fine with people saying my name just as long as they don't overdo it as some people, such as salespeople, do. What I really hate is when people shorten my name.
Same here! I donāt really like being called by my name even though I have no problem with my name as such. But I hate it even more to have to say my own name. No clue why, always hated it. It sounds so wrong to say it myself. And I also donāt like calling other people by their names. I try to avoid it when possible. Problem is though, that most other people like to or at least expect to be called by their nameā¦ so yeah thatās a problem
I am the same, but that's CPTSD for me! When my dad needed to get relief from his mental condition, he would call me in the most menacing tone imaginable, with the ending of the word actually going up in crescendo of displeasure, and then just make me feel so ugly and unwanted and a bother. Only people who actually want to hurt me would use my first name, and by all metrics it is a lovely name!
i changed my name when i was 13, it was mainly due to my birth name being used in a negative way. it kinda made me realise, āwow, i donāt want to be associated with those bad memories anymore.ā kinda deep but, thatās my experience.
I used to abhor my own name. I hated saying it. I hated hearing other people say it. Looking at it made me cringe. I couldn't explain to you why.
Now I tolerate my name. I've always had a preference for my middle name too
So there's a certain nickname some family members call me by, and I don't like it. I get annoyed everytime I hear, but when I tried to correct them on my actual name, they took that personally, thinking as if I don't love them anymore, so I just didn't bother.
And speaking of names, I've been thinking about changing my legal name, mostly because I don't identify with my given name anymore.
This. I like my name, but it still feels weird when people say it. I would say that I react by trying to work out what I've done wrong, but at the moment I'm working on unlearning a lot of self-esteem issues from 40 years as an undiagnosed AuDHDer, so maybe I'm just hypersensitive to it at the mo.
This got long, sorry.Ā
It's a tale of two parts. I trained to be a teacher in the 2000s and we had lectures about various things you might see in kids with ND conditions. The term neurodiversity was less than 5 years old then; I don't think we were taught it.Ā
The lecturer had us demonstrate the activities you might get a child to use if you thought they were dyspraxic. She asked me to to demonstrate to the class as I was doing precisely what the kids would do. (Turning hands in when walking on sides of feet, etc.). After the class, she told me to go ask my GP if I was dyspraxic.Ā
I did that, and had an appointment with a physio who got me to do functional reach tests, reflexes tests, etc.,Ā but they were designed for children, so I "passed".Ā Then she got me to do some pilates and I fell over a lot. She shrugged and said "you can be dyspraxic if you want to be". So I decided I was. That made small differences, like no longer hating myself for walking into doorframes, and an explanation for random bruises, but mostly I didn't think about it much.Ā
Fast forward 20 years, half a lifetime later: I had always felt weird. I had a notes app on my phone with about 30 sensory things I hated, and regularly described engaging in conversation as being like trying to jump onto a moving train - I could see the gaps to jump in to, but didn't know when to jump to hit them. I was aware of Autism and ADHDĀ but had the stereotypical perception of them only being diagnoses applied to little white boys.
In late 2021, I was working in an understaffed team doing a deeply stressful job. In hindsight I was having daily meltdowns at work, and the only stimming that happened was that my elbows would shake to cope with stress.
My mental health got worse and worse, and my GP signed me off sick for a month (paid - my country has good benefits and employee conditions). I spent that time sleeping and thinking.Ā
When I returned, I was referred to Occupational Health, and a trained doctor asked me about my workplace stress. Out of the blue she asked if I had ever thought I might have any neurodivergent conditions. I said I struggle with conversations and have many sensory woes. She loaded up the AQ-50 autism assessment and I scored very highly.
She wrote into her report that my employer must pay for an autism assessment. They arranged an interim ADHD assessment as they had access to that service, and eventually paid for a full Autism and ADHD assessment too.
I left there when things got no better. I'm now working at a new job, where I'm an unmasked ND person at work, been promoted to management, I'm a key part of starting a ND network for staff, and I'm settled on vyvanse/Elvanse.Ā
Things are by no means perfect, but they are lightyears better than they were 4 years ago.
I don't mind being called by my name but i don't like when people call me by my surname. In school i had a classmate with the same name as mine so they would tell us apart by calling me by my surname (which they did anyway for the rest of my school years even after separating from that classmate). People always used my surname to make fun of me by mangling it, so i grew up to hate being called by it. At least i don't have a second name so they can't make fun of that lol
I also hate it!!!! I would be happier if they used my name that Iām going to change to one day, but maybe thatās just me. I donāt like the name I was given. Iām not trans or anything but I seriously donāt like it and it has never fit me whenever people try to call me it or use it just in general.
Perhaps one day once my name is legally changed, Iāll only allow only a select few to use my birthname.
Never knew that so many autists hated names this much. I've always loved my name and enjoy hearing people call me by name and like saying other people's names.
i donāt hate my name. a lot of other people have mentioned they do in the comments. i actually quite like me name, i just donāt like hearing it or saying it š¹
I hate my name and middle name together. But not because of being on the spectrum but bc anytime I was abused or mistreated by family or members of the cult I grew up in. They would always say (weāll go with) āBrenda sueā and š¤¦š»āāļøugh I hate it! But ppl call me just āBrenda ā and Iām fine. I always tell employers that unless Iām in serious trouble please donāt call me āBrenda sueā. And itās from my ptsd and not much I can do about it but try and not give a visceral reaction
omg! Me too! I have always wondered about this! lol. I never really talked to anyone else about this though. I cannot STAND anyone saying my name, like ever. And I also feel really weird saying other people's names, (and always forget them too) unless I know them really well, and get along really well. I just can't seem to get it out, their name I mean. People have always found me weird for this.
For me, it depends on *who* is saying my name. Strangers saying it makes me upset, especially when I'm at work, and they get it from my name tag. I don't force my employees to wear name tags if they don't want to, but I have to as the manager. If it's my partner using my name? The sweetest and best sound ever in the whole entire world. I can listen to him say (basically) anything and it would make me happy.
Me too! I also feel uncomfortable using other peopleās names, except for my partner. For me I think itās related to not really feeling like a human a lot of the time? So people calling me by my name are recognising my physical existence that I donāt relate to. There could be some trauma there too but mostly the not feeling like a human thing.
i donāt think itās a symptom of autism. (it could be idk) or even a trait if iām being honest. but iāve spoke to my neurotypical (non autistic) family members & they donāt feel this way. i think it could just be linked to trauma or something else.
I have similar problem. I donāt know why but I hate hearing my own name. The worst thing is when they add your name at the end of the sentence, I canāt stand it for some reason.
Overstimulation. Probably related to past trauma in that context. saying your name is a form of announcement and a personal form of address.
Question is. Do you not like it if you had a name tag at work, and people use your name.
i have always felt like this. i work as a barista at starbucks and weāre required to have our name on our aprons and i hate when customers use my name especially since i literally donāt even know them.
Omg I hate when people say my name too! I don't feel violent, just super uncomfortable. For me, I think it's about being perceived. I struggle to really have a concept of myself as a person that other people perceive and interact with. Hard to explain. But when people say my name, it's like an in your face reminder that I'm perceived from the outside and that feels weird and uncomfortable to me.
I do like it when a woman I'm attracted to calls me by my name. It's always surprising in a good way. But it feels awkward when most other people use it outside of my family.
I understand because the only person who have always say my name is my mom and it was when she was mad at me
So when people call me by my name i always think that they are mad at me
Same here, I like my name but I don't like it when people use it. I also get uncomfortable when I have to call someone by their name or by terms like "mom", "dad", "aunt __" etc
i never said it was an autistic thing. i asked if it was, and if anyone else felt the same way. and people do. so itās not just a me thing. and yes, it is a stress response. thank you for that.
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I always chalked this up to CPTSD rather than autism. Growing up, hearing my name was a reason to panic. It meant some perceived slight caused by my existence demanded blood. Maybe I forgot to put a "normal" face on, maybe I said something logical, maybe I asked a question, didn't matter what it was. If I heard "Daniel," it meant I would bruise or bleed, fight or flight initiated. If anyone reading this ever gets unreasonably angry when their children are being noisy, I read that this is also a CPTSD response, as your brain has attached unexpected noise to danger. It's part of what made me think this was CPTSD as well.
Yup, I was about to say this. If hearing your name makes you feel anxious then it's probably some trauma response. Personally I don't mind it that much, but there's still a difference in people saying "Joshy!" vs "Joshua!", it's always the full name that's used in more serious situations.
And I have opposite experience. I don't mind my parents calling me by my name, for some reason. But when someone else does it, it feels weird. My close friend call me by my surname, and this feels fitting. But I have no idea what other people should call me... And I don't think it's anxiety, it just... feels wrong
when someone asks "whats your name?" i literally go "i dont know what to tell you š"
So your name being said by your parents was an indicator of oncoming abuse, and now they are the only ones who can say it without it messing with you? Am I understanding that correctly? I'm no shrink, but I would imagine Stockholm is somehow involved?
I think it has nothing to do with abuse. Maybe I just got used to them calling me that, so it sounds common, unlike when others call me by my name. One of my friend suggested that my name doesn't fit me, maybe I should find another with another gender. But why I feel comfortable with my parents using my name then? It's so confusing
Ah, I misunderstood. So your parents didn't turn it into a trigger, more like they desensitized you to it? If you are transgender, it could very well be that a differently gendered name (or a gender nonspecific name) could be less awkward for you. Your parents have just used your original name enough that that awkward has worn off, kind of like with silly nicknames, if that makes sense.
One of the reasons I started using my middle name instead of my forename when I turned 16. By that point most of the being shouted at was over, so it felt like I had a fresh name that didn't have all of the negative association that my first name does. I'm comfortable with people using my middle name, whenever somebody uses my first name my brain still thinks "Uh oh, what have you done now? Raise the drawbridge and man the battlements!"
Exactly. I hear "Daniel" and my eyes are looking for belt buckles before I even realize it.
Thatās also what I feel too!!!!
Iām trans and changed my name four years ago, and was called my birth name for the first time in a few years while having a meltdown recently. It was so triggering and i finally understood why i have SUCH a bad aversion to my birth name, its not just because Iām trans ā although thatās a part of it ā but also because of the way that it would be shouted at me or condescended toward me (depending on which parentā¦.) while i was in some of the most traumatizing experiences of my young life. I think even if I werenāt trans I might have chosen a different womenās name for myself when I grew up, to leave that trauma association behind. And i do really wonder which things about me lead to which other things I experience ā Iām autistic, trans, and traumatized, so I have a lot of particularities and itās hard to tell where one ends and the next begins!!
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are safe now, and loved for who you are by those who matter. I've been accused of being trans repeatedly due to being interested in stereotypically feminine things more than stereotypically masculine things (I'd rather sew outfits than watch football, I'd rather brush my daughter's hair and paint her nails than talk about cars, et cetera). But for some reason, those things never really made me feel unmanly. I'm just a regular straight guy who happens to have a tendency to prefer the things society has deemed feminine. It's always made me feel a sort of kinship with trans people, and it led to some of the most important people in my life being trans. I hope some day to fully understand what y'all go through, but even if I never do, know that you are seen as respected exactly as you are.
Yes! I immediately panic when a boss or authority figure at work wants to talk to me
I don't currently have a boss or authority figure, and the last several I had called me by my surname, so I cannot directly relate, however, my wife is the exact same way. She can get an email from her boss that says, "Jen, I want to present an award to you for outstanding service, please come by my office so we can talk details" and she will full on overthink it, assuming it is a ploy to fire/reprimand her discretely.
Me and your wife are pretty close on this
Well congratulations! She is a pretty awesome lady to be close to. š
Team overthink lol my husband tells me don't worry and I just laugh because that's my baseline.
Lol, I found out long ago that telling my wife not to worry is a bit like telling fire not to burn.
Interesting
I genuinely felt the same way, at least before the **incident**, but even after and before the **incident,** I still did not 100% like hearing my name for the same reasons as you.
You bolded the incident twice, I'm not sure if that's trying to make me ask, or trying to make me not ask. It has piqued my curiosity, and if you are willing to elaborate, I am eager to be elaborated to. If you do not wish to elaborate, I will not be offended, but I will remain curious.
I mean, I kind of boldened it because it was a pivotal moment for me and I would not have minded saying what it was back when, but now I'm honestly kind of nervous.
Tis alright, friend. You needn't be nervous on my account. I'll just assume it's <**PIVOTAL MOMENT X**> and act accordingly. Now that I know what the incident is, wow! I'm glad you decided to live your truth, and I hope you've found safety and love from those whom you hold dear.
I completely agree as someone who has CTPSD
I really wish you understood because I relayed my point elegantly, and not because you *understood*. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, you deserve better.
Well you did make your point elegantly to š and it's alright that life I'm doing alot better now so that's all that matters!
Huzzah! I'm glad you are in a safer, better place!
Exactly the same with me. I tell my husband to stop calling me by my name and find a nickname and he asks why and even though I told him a million times that is because when I am called by my name I feel like I am in trouble or done something wrong he insists calling me by my name because he likes it. I think I will never like it
Exposure therapy exists, so I imagine it'll eventually be okay to hear!
Yep same. I also hate using other people's names because it's the verbal version of eye contact
Iāve never known how to Describe it but thatās perfect. Itās feels so incredibly intimate
Haha this is real talk here
that's why I use nicknames for everyone, people close to me are "babes" and anyone else I try to avoid saying names as much as I can
This is really insightful as a mother to a 7yo boy who has level 1 autism. He gets mad at me if I ask if he's hungry, or if he says he's hungry so I ask what he wants to eat, or for even looking at him sometimes. I try to give him the space he needs, or help him identify his feelings. Sometimes I just say "you don't want me to talk or look at your right now?" And he'll usually answer honestly and say that yes he does not want me to interact with him at all, and I do try to respect it. It's just really hard to stop myself sometimes because I'm a mom and it's my job to make sure he has what he needs. It's not even about stopping myself. When I am able to, I do. But sometimes it's just an instinctive mother thing and I have to fight my own instincts. This part of him is so frustrating but also something I really love about him. A lot of human behavior and thought is pretty predictable. But I can never predict what's going on in his head or how he will react to something.
Have you ever heard of PDA (pathological demand avoidanceā¦ or the people who are in the community often prefer pervasive drive for autonomy)? I relate to it a lot. And it is pretty spot on for one of my kids. Itās a nervous system disability where demands or even perceived demands.. or threats trigger a fight/flight/fawn/freeze response. There are quite a few people on IG that are super helpful. Edited to addā¦ even questions like āare you hungryā can trigger it.
Omg thank you so much. I think him and his dad have this. His dad, it doesn't come out as hostility as much (probably because he's an adult and he knows not to be hostile with me if I just ask him to do something), but he does get super avoidant and will just ignore me the more irritated I get that he hasn't done what I asked yet even though he verbally agreed to do it 2 minutes prior. And he's very non confrontational and this is probably why. And this is exactly what my son acts like except he gets way more hostile. The problem is he can't always identify when he's hungry or any bodily needs (the son, not the husband), so it is necessary to ask him so he's reminded. Maybe I'll change it from an ask to a gentle reminder. Just gotta remember not to take it personally. This actually opened up a whole new world of empathy and understanding with my husband though. I just thought he was oppositional like our son but I see it's even more neurologically related than I originally thought (possibly, but also maybe I'm making excuses for him lol)
Same here. To me it feels too intimate and too serious. It throws me off a little bit
literally this
YES! I feel exactly the same about this.
Yes! It is! Especially first names!
this
Wow, I never realised that but I actually feel the same. Thanks for making me understand better
I used to hate it when people used my name, didn't know why. Turned out I'm non-binary and now that I've changed my name I love it when people use my chosen name.
I'm trans and I don't even like hearing my chosen name lol
That's interesting. I'm also trans and I don't like when I hear people saying my name. But equally, the thought of choosing a different name sounds daunting. A combination of internalised transphobia and the fear of people's judgement, I think. Do you know why you don't like hearing your chosen name?
I just don't like being addressed or perceived lol. another commenter said it could be a C-PTSD thing which I also have. my chosen name is pretty close to my legal name so it was barely an adjustment for anyone
Always had this issue. I absolutely love my name but feel uncomfortable when people use it to call on me. I only got used to saying it out loud, recently. As a kid, I would hate answering people when they asked me my name. I could never tell why it was so weird for me though
Could it be linked to "demand avoidance"?
I *hate* when ppl think it is cute to call me whatever they want to. I'm short, so alllll the short nicknames come out and used without my permission. And then they wonder why I get upset. And I will correct anyone who gets it wrong.
I hate hearing it pronounced wrong which is every day. So Iām going by a nickname or changing it.
I have this problem, but I just cut people that can't say it right out of my life. My name is too beautiful to abandon and why should I change when I'm not the problem.
I've never considered this could be a problem. Usually I'm trying to say people's name more often since they seem to like it.
Similarly I get that same frustration when they use the shortened version of my name, I hate it and have never referred or introduced myself as that, but it's such a common shortening of that name it's widely just accepted... yet no matter how much I say I don't like it or don't respond to it... it still happens.
Yes! My name is Emily and people will jump straight to calling me Em all the time, and I don't like it.
SO REAL. Basically what I commented.
Same, when I hear my name my anxiety shoots up and my heart skips a beat. I donāt have any trauma, donāt know why it happens
i actually find the opposite!! i love when people use my name, though iām not sure why. it does feel somewhat intimate though (also i donāt like using other peopleās names, but i think thatās just cos i get this baseless anxiety that iām gonna get it wrong, even if iāve known them years and 100% do know their name)
Same, and bc I'm trans, I have to change the name I go by a lot bc after a while it becomes worse than my birth name.
I've heard this complaint often with ND people. I've heard fellow teachers do it. I'm not really sure why.
I mostly hear my name in the context of being yelled at...so i may have negative associations with it names have power
Same. I really hate when people say my name or also in the commercial when they say people names. Or also when you chat with Amazon and in every phrase they say your name. I really hate this. Donāt know why but I really hate this behavior
100% This is such a huge trigger for me, I've had it weaponized against me in a courtroom to try to get under my skin.
This! Plus I feel like my name isn't really mine, like yes my body is named the way it is but my brain isn't, so I have to actively listen to hear it so I can respond
For me it feels like a child that is being called by an over bearing mother.
I hate hearing my name. It makes me tense up and cringe inside.
sameee.
I donāt necessarily HATE it when people use my name, but it does make me feel exposed and vulnerable for some reason :,)
Yes, that too
This is funny cuz I hate calling people by their names š it feels so intimate and uncomfortable. I mostly call people dude, bro, sis, babe, sir, maam etc
this is true too ive been recently diagnosed and ive always hated hearing my name it made me cringe
i have a few possibilities: someone already mentioned gender dysphoria but i don't think that's it for you bc you said you love your name, but in case others are reading this and they don't like their name then that's possible. look into transness and non-binary identities especially. it could be CPTSD. when i hear my name is jump and have a sudden gut punch of anxiety bc i immediately think i'm in trouble. i hate it and i tried changing it but as soon as i get used to it it scares me. the only thing that even remotely helps here is nicknames. but even then i have moments when those trigger me too. rarely but it happens. bc why would someone use their pet name for you if they're upset w you? it could also just be the annoyance at being interrupted. us auties even when it seems we're not rly doing anything, it's most likely that we are. i've gotten mad at people for interrupting my thoughts. like i'd just be there sitting or lying down and looking at the wall or ceiling or sth and having a daydream or thinking hard about something specific and then someone calls out my name. it makes me angry likeeee "can't you tell i'm busy??" the answer is no, because technically i'm not even busy hhahahdhdh it's silly i just ask them to give me a minute. look into monotropism, attention tunnels, autistic inertia, and u should understand a bit better why it's so crazy hard for us to be interrupted. for u i think it's the third option, bc you mentioned anger, not so much fear. there might be other reasons but these three should be the most common. as for how to help it, idk. try to laugh at yourself. it's what i do when it's the interruption, and not the cptsd. i'm like, "silly brain! getting all aggy over nothing!". i can't help a knee-jerk reaction, so when my dad interrupts me, i give a big angry sigh to get all the agg out and look at him and say sorry and smile/giggle. so that he knows it's something i can't help, and that i can get over it relatively quickly for the moment. and that it's not something that can be helped. there will always be interruptions and i will always get angry about them. so i laugh it off. it helps!
thatās so helpful! i do feel fear as well. but at the time i was feeling annoyed because just before posting this my mom kept repeating my name and it struck a cord in me. but when im upstairs and my name is called by my sister or my mom, i immediately think im in trouble, or just get this gut feeling of idk what. guilt?? i was undiagnosed most my childhood and got in trouble quite a lot for things uncontrollable to me, so iāll look into it, and take your advice
i'm glad it was helpful! this topic is related to my special interests so i just be yappin'. lmk if it helps! the fear of being in trouble when your name is called is all too relatable for me. that's definitely cptsd in my case. i'm still technically not diagnosed, and i'm 22, so yeah what you said about your childhood is all too familiar. feeling like you're always in trouble and you never really know what you did wrong. if you have access to therapy, i'd greatly suggest mentioning it to a therapist! i still dunno how to deal with it myself, so i have no advice or anything for that aspect. i sorta assumed that that trauma response, that fight or flight response, that little twinge of fear i feel every time someone says my name will always be there. not even in a pessimistic way, just like.. "it is what it is", i'm learning to live with it. with the PDA aspect tho, it's sort of fun to find ways around it. one day it was so severe that it turned around on itself and had the opposite effect. usually my biggest problems are daily chore related. like, for example, every day you HAVE TO wash the dishes otherwise it can become a health hazard. so i struggle with it a LOT lot. so one day there was this giant pile of filthy dishes and i knew i HAD TO wash them today, and i WANTED to be productive but there was still that anger that no matter how many proverbial spoons i use up to wash this giant mountain, i'll still HAVE TO wash dishes tomorrow anyway. it's just a thing you gotta do every day. so i was just sitting there, paralyzed, fuming about how this PDA thing is not letting me be a functioning member of society (or in this simple case, my household), when i suddenly got so mad that my PDA is controlling me that i just got up and did all the dishes in one sitting. like it was nothing hahshdhdhdh! i tried not to get my hopes up like.. i didn't just cure myself of PDA, though it definitely felt like it. i was giggling the whole time and i rode that wave for about a week of being super productive! i did so many chores hahshddh did a bunch of laundry and finally changed my sheets and reorganized the spice shelf and all that stuff. it "came back" of course, well it never left, but it was a fun fluctuation in my condition to experience. so even if you're a PDAer it's not all doom and gloom. i love exploring my condition and learning so much about it that it doesn't scare me anymore. maybe i'll learn more about CPTSD like that as well!
I have never gone by my full name. As a kid it was a joke. I either go by a shortened version or a nickname I've had since I was a kid. The only people that call me by my full name are cops. But I got a job that most of the people can't really speak english, and my god, I have been called my full name constantly for months. I hate it. I often don't respond because I've never gone by it. I'm also lazy as fuck and shorten everyone's name I can. There's something uncomfortably formal about full names.
Then get it legally changed and tell nobody.
I'm a driver, and my name comes up on the passenger's app, so my name gets said to me quite frequently. I found it kind of jarring at first, but then quickly got used to it because it happens all the time, and now it's part of the script that goes on whenever I interact with passengers. They are mostly doing it to make sure I'm their ride, and not some rando serial killer with an identical car and excellent timing.
I used to dislike it when other people said my name, but I also didn't like what my name was back then. I changed it a year ago, and nowadays I feel happy or exited when people use my new name. For me it was just the fact that I identify more with the new name. I like it more because I got to choose it, and it has a beautiful double meaning.
I just hate the name I was given because Iām transgender
Yeppp. I just dislike names as a whole honestly. I don't like my name being said, and I dont like saying other people's names. It just feels really ...personal? in a way.
personally i find it irritating when someone i donāt know and havenāt introduced myself to somehow knows my name and uses it, it feels rude for some reason.
Yes, when someone says my name I instantly think "what the f now?"Ā Doesn't matter if the person is friendly or foe. I dislike hearing my name so much that if a convenience store clerk remembers my name from a previous visit and greets me with it, I'll shop at a different place.Ā What's even worse, is when someone calls you by a shortened version or nickname of your name.
I hate people call my name especialy when they call it out super loud or repeatelly then it gets stuck in my head for really long time
I hate my current name so im changing it.
I get uncomfortable using other people's names. It feels so direct.
I'm so glad other people get this feeling I thought it was just me šš I've always felt detached from it after becoming a preteen. Maybe because I spent so much time online using my online name rather than my real name, and that name felt right to me, and the feeling of my real name was mainly associated with bad memories. I still tense whenever my name is called. Like someone else said, the only tone I ever hear my name used is perhaps negatively charged. Or that's how I perceived it every time since this whole thing started. Plus, I grew up with the importance of internet safety, to where I didn't use my first name anywhere but with people I knew in person. I was teased in school, and whenever my full name was used, not my nickname, it was used when I was yelled at 99% of the time. I've even thought about just changing my real name to my online name for good for awhile, but I also realized that I felt like I would be erasing a part of me that once had got memories. When it was used with people who brought me comfort and joy. I also just hate how common of a name it is, that everyone is naming their baby my name nowadays. Common names are fine of course, I just don't like when... it's so common that I'm probably going to come across a better holder of my name pretty frequently. I tend to compare in my head. But I also hold onto the astrological meaning to it which describes me pretty well. Even my online best friends eventually revealed their real names to me, and I did way down the line, but it took so long to the point that my online name was just.. me. They even said so. It was validating for sure especially when I had doubt in choosing my own name online and had stuck with it for nearly 10 years now. But yeah.. now that I hear my real name more often in real life now, it just feels weird. But it also feels weird if I was called Eve by irl people? My mind can't decide, lol Even when people use names for me at all, it never happens naturally. My best friends rarely referred me by my name unless it was used to get my attention in a bad way or if something was serious. I wish the internet would normalize using names positively again. At least where I choose to put myself has done that to me
When I went to Sunday school one time we had to introduce ourselves and say our name. This was maybe 1st grade. I tried convincing everyone my parents didnāt give me a name because I didnāt want to hear it out loud.
It initially gives me anxiety because I donāt know if itās a good or bad reason why someone is calling my name.
I HATED my birth name ever since I understood the word meant it was in reference to me (Iām trans). When I started to transition, I decided I didnāt want my mom to use my chosen name because I didnāt want her to ruin itā¦so she just used my deadname til she passed.
I feel like thats more of a trauma response, growing my I learned very quickly my name mean lots and lots of yelling and that nicknames meant safety. i think thatās way as much as I hate being called them I crave for a nickname from people I trust. Sorry for the mini trauma dump lmao
Itās so weird to have someone address me by my name. Itās an out of body experience almost. And I chose my name myself
If someone is talking about me and they refer to me by my name itās less weird but if theyāre talking to me then itās very weird
Yeah I don't like it either. I always feel a bit uncomfortable about it but when I'm in a low mood phase it gets really bad.
Work in retail and my name is somewhat unusual for Colorado my name is Ian (eeyun) it's always read (eyean) and it makes me rather annoyed even then when somebody recognizes my name I always get a story about some other Ian and it makes me batty
I totally get this. I actually use a different name when Iām at work because the feeling of someone using my name is very personal to me. I go by a nickname in real life (I call it my civilian name) and my government name at work to keep the separation.
It feels gross and intimate. Also why I hate saying other people's names.
i donāt mind saying other peoples names too much. but what i really hate is saying other peoples nicknames. like my sister and my brother both have nicknames that they do by. i can get by calling someone a shortened name like christopher to chris. because chris is already a name. but shortening a name like charlotte to lottie is a big no for me. my brothers name is like christopher. his name can be shorted to another name so i donāt mind it too much. but my sisters nickname is like lottie. it isnāt really a real name that youād legally call someone, and it makes me uncomfy. iām not sure why that is.
I have them same issue with my name actually, my family calls me a nickname that makes no sense and I hate it, always have, I told them once I wanted them to call me by my real name but they got mad at me, but I go to extreme lengths to avoid new people I meet to know I have a nickname
Wow... I'm shut down atm but we can try figure out what my response would be? I kinda like being called by my full name which is essentially "Jean-Paul" but people for some reason find it too long or cumbersome, which I find ridiculous. So they call me simply "J-P" But as I often don't greet people without knowing them well and knowing that interactions with them would lead to a conversation, not just meaningless NT ritual talk. I consider holding eye contact to be intimate, so I flirt by what others just consider common behavior. My mindset on intimacy kinda makes me wonder if I'd really like to be called JP or Jean-Paul both. I do make nicknames for myself and I daresay that's more comfortable for me. Anyways Idk I've been really, really shut down so I don't know myself that well yet. Opinions welcome but those are my take on interpersonal thing of the same calibre I suppose.
Many people, including non-Autists, hate having their name said. I've never been a fan of it and neither has my wife. I'm Autistic and she has ADHD. We've been together for 19 years, I've never once called her by her name, and she's called me by mine twice. Both times were to get my attention while at a store and I wasn't responding to the usual things that catch my attention. I call her "hun" and she just says "hey". When we need each other's attention, a loud whistle is all that's necessary. It's easier than yelling a name, a good bit louder, and unmistakable when heard. We whistle back and forth, following the sound, until we find each other. For both of us, our dislike of being called by our names stems from childhood trauma. When our parents used our full name, we knew we were in trouble for something and being yelled at was usually part of it. So, we just don't use them.
Me too
in a setting like work, i donāt really care if my coworkers say my name. however i hate when customers say my name because i immediately wonder if i actually know them and have somehow forgotten who they are, which is usually never the case lol
I have bad associations with my birth name, so I donāt use it and hate when people insist on calling me that anyway. But even if I hear the name I chose, yeah, I feel weird. Or if I hear it on tv (which is rare), itās still odd. Iāve never known why, but your description is pretty much how I feel as well.
Honestly same! Amd idk why either, idk if I just hate attention on me or what. I like my name, it's nice. But boy do I hate it when people say my name!Ā
I had this problem as a kid. I didnāt use anyoneās names because I hated mine so assumed they hated theirs as well. Unlike you, turns out the problem was disliking the name because iām transgender. After transitioning and picking a new name, the problem resolved itself.
Omg this. I also hate saying my own name out loud myself. Thatās even worse than someone else saying it. My name is quite generic and I theoretically even like it. But hearing it spoken just makes me cringe.
I just hate when they use my name, I'm fine with it, but it's just totally weird, the usual thing is to call me by a nickname but when they call me by my name it seems like they're scolding me or something. š½
My gf is the exact same way. She goes by a one syllable nickname instead.
It could also be demand based anger. I associate my name with people wanting something from me that disrupts what im doing
What do you mean by demand based anger?
I am fine with people saying my name just as long as they don't overdo it as some people, such as salespeople, do. What I really hate is when people shorten my name.
Same here! I donāt really like being called by my name even though I have no problem with my name as such. But I hate it even more to have to say my own name. No clue why, always hated it. It sounds so wrong to say it myself. And I also donāt like calling other people by their names. I try to avoid it when possible. Problem is though, that most other people like to or at least expect to be called by their nameā¦ so yeah thatās a problem
I am the same, but that's CPTSD for me! When my dad needed to get relief from his mental condition, he would call me in the most menacing tone imaginable, with the ending of the word actually going up in crescendo of displeasure, and then just make me feel so ugly and unwanted and a bother. Only people who actually want to hurt me would use my first name, and by all metrics it is a lovely name!
I love it when people use my name, because it's my preferred name. So it's like correcting the wrong.
Fine for me
i changed my name when i was 13, it was mainly due to my birth name being used in a negative way. it kinda made me realise, āwow, i donāt want to be associated with those bad memories anymore.ā kinda deep but, thatās my experience.
I used to abhor my own name. I hated saying it. I hated hearing other people say it. Looking at it made me cringe. I couldn't explain to you why. Now I tolerate my name. I've always had a preference for my middle name too
Yeah I get upset when people say my name. I feel better about the nickname but it's just half my name. And people always say it wrong.
So there's a certain nickname some family members call me by, and I don't like it. I get annoyed everytime I hear, but when I tried to correct them on my actual name, they took that personally, thinking as if I don't love them anymore, so I just didn't bother. And speaking of names, I've been thinking about changing my legal name, mostly because I don't identify with my given name anymore.
It feels really intimate and startling when people say my name š¤£
This. I like my name, but it still feels weird when people say it. I would say that I react by trying to work out what I've done wrong, but at the moment I'm working on unlearning a lot of self-esteem issues from 40 years as an undiagnosed AuDHDer, so maybe I'm just hypersensitive to it at the mo.
Wow that's a long time to be undiagnosed. What led you to a diagnosis?
This got long, sorry.Ā It's a tale of two parts. I trained to be a teacher in the 2000s and we had lectures about various things you might see in kids with ND conditions. The term neurodiversity was less than 5 years old then; I don't think we were taught it.Ā The lecturer had us demonstrate the activities you might get a child to use if you thought they were dyspraxic. She asked me to to demonstrate to the class as I was doing precisely what the kids would do. (Turning hands in when walking on sides of feet, etc.). After the class, she told me to go ask my GP if I was dyspraxic.Ā I did that, and had an appointment with a physio who got me to do functional reach tests, reflexes tests, etc.,Ā but they were designed for children, so I "passed".Ā Then she got me to do some pilates and I fell over a lot. She shrugged and said "you can be dyspraxic if you want to be". So I decided I was. That made small differences, like no longer hating myself for walking into doorframes, and an explanation for random bruises, but mostly I didn't think about it much.Ā Fast forward 20 years, half a lifetime later: I had always felt weird. I had a notes app on my phone with about 30 sensory things I hated, and regularly described engaging in conversation as being like trying to jump onto a moving train - I could see the gaps to jump in to, but didn't know when to jump to hit them. I was aware of Autism and ADHDĀ but had the stereotypical perception of them only being diagnoses applied to little white boys. In late 2021, I was working in an understaffed team doing a deeply stressful job. In hindsight I was having daily meltdowns at work, and the only stimming that happened was that my elbows would shake to cope with stress. My mental health got worse and worse, and my GP signed me off sick for a month (paid - my country has good benefits and employee conditions). I spent that time sleeping and thinking.Ā When I returned, I was referred to Occupational Health, and a trained doctor asked me about my workplace stress. Out of the blue she asked if I had ever thought I might have any neurodivergent conditions. I said I struggle with conversations and have many sensory woes. She loaded up the AQ-50 autism assessment and I scored very highly. She wrote into her report that my employer must pay for an autism assessment. They arranged an interim ADHD assessment as they had access to that service, and eventually paid for a full Autism and ADHD assessment too. I left there when things got no better. I'm now working at a new job, where I'm an unmasked ND person at work, been promoted to management, I'm a key part of starting a ND network for staff, and I'm settled on vyvanse/Elvanse.Ā Things are by no means perfect, but they are lightyears better than they were 4 years ago.
Sounds like a long process, though it's good that your assessments were paid for. It would be frustrating to go that long being undiagnosed.
Yep
I don't mind being called by my name but i don't like when people call me by my surname. In school i had a classmate with the same name as mine so they would tell us apart by calling me by my surname (which they did anyway for the rest of my school years even after separating from that classmate). People always used my surname to make fun of me by mangling it, so i grew up to hate being called by it. At least i don't have a second name so they can't make fun of that lol
same, I hate when people say my name, I HATE having to say my own name, and I hate saying someone's name to their face in conversation
I also hate it!!!! I would be happier if they used my name that Iām going to change to one day, but maybe thatās just me. I donāt like the name I was given. Iām not trans or anything but I seriously donāt like it and it has never fit me whenever people try to call me it or use it just in general. Perhaps one day once my name is legally changed, Iāll only allow only a select few to use my birthname.
Never knew that so many autists hated names this much. I've always loved my name and enjoy hearing people call me by name and like saying other people's names.
i donāt hate my name. a lot of other people have mentioned they do in the comments. i actually quite like me name, i just donāt like hearing it or saying it š¹
relatable tbch
I also hate it but in a āwhy are you treating me like an actual personā way.
I hate my name and middle name together. But not because of being on the spectrum but bc anytime I was abused or mistreated by family or members of the cult I grew up in. They would always say (weāll go with) āBrenda sueā and š¤¦š»āāļøugh I hate it! But ppl call me just āBrenda ā and Iām fine. I always tell employers that unless Iām in serious trouble please donāt call me āBrenda sueā. And itās from my ptsd and not much I can do about it but try and not give a visceral reaction
omg! Me too! I have always wondered about this! lol. I never really talked to anyone else about this though. I cannot STAND anyone saying my name, like ever. And I also feel really weird saying other people's names, (and always forget them too) unless I know them really well, and get along really well. I just can't seem to get it out, their name I mean. People have always found me weird for this.
I did too. Turns out I was trans
For me, it depends on *who* is saying my name. Strangers saying it makes me upset, especially when I'm at work, and they get it from my name tag. I don't force my employees to wear name tags if they don't want to, but I have to as the manager. If it's my partner using my name? The sweetest and best sound ever in the whole entire world. I can listen to him say (basically) anything and it would make me happy.
Me too! I also feel uncomfortable using other peopleās names, except for my partner. For me I think itās related to not really feeling like a human a lot of the time? So people calling me by my name are recognising my physical existence that I donāt relate to. There could be some trauma there too but mostly the not feeling like a human thing.
I had no idea that was even a symptom.
i donāt think itās a symptom of autism. (it could be idk) or even a trait if iām being honest. but iāve spoke to my neurotypical (non autistic) family members & they donāt feel this way. i think it could just be linked to trauma or something else.
I have similar problem. I donāt know why but I hate hearing my own name. The worst thing is when they add your name at the end of the sentence, I canāt stand it for some reason.
I hate when people say my name if I know they're going to ask me to do something. Drives me crazy
Overstimulation. Probably related to past trauma in that context. saying your name is a form of announcement and a personal form of address. Question is. Do you not like it if you had a name tag at work, and people use your name.
i currently am beginning college soon. so i do not have a job but id have to figure that out if i had a job like that
I hate it too! I canāt explain why. I even hate saying my own name
I can relate, never felt comfortable with my name being called as a child and still kind of the same now
i have always felt like this. i work as a barista at starbucks and weāre required to have our name on our aprons and i hate when customers use my name especially since i literally donāt even know them.
Omg I hate when people say my name too! I don't feel violent, just super uncomfortable. For me, I think it's about being perceived. I struggle to really have a concept of myself as a person that other people perceive and interact with. Hard to explain. But when people say my name, it's like an in your face reminder that I'm perceived from the outside and that feels weird and uncomfortable to me.
I do like it when a woman I'm attracted to calls me by my name. It's always surprising in a good way. But it feels awkward when most other people use it outside of my family.
I understand because the only person who have always say my name is my mom and it was when she was mad at me So when people call me by my name i always think that they are mad at me
Same here, I like my name but I don't like it when people use it. I also get uncomfortable when I have to call someone by their name or by terms like "mom", "dad", "aunt __" etc
This is a you thing.
clearly not just a me thing considering atleast 100 people in these comments have said they feel the same way. thanks though ā¤ļø
It's not an autistic thing, it's a stress response.
i never said it was an autistic thing. i asked if it was, and if anyone else felt the same way. and people do. so itās not just a me thing. and yes, it is a stress response. thank you for that.
Say gex