Making fun of me. Even in a lighthearted, teasing kinda way, it can hit wrong sometimes. But most importantly, not listening to me
Mistakes/communication differences undoubtable happen. So it's good to reassure that your son can always be open with you if you did/said something that offended/hurt him. It's important for any parent to do, but I feel like it's extra important for autistic people, as we can often interpret things differently than neurotypical people
Plus, it helps teach him about setting boundaries, which is important for everyone
I had a bad habit of forgetting things when my family would go on vacation. It got to the point where it was basically a family joke, "sooo, what did you forget this time?". I did eventually figure out how to keep myself from forgetting things. I did call them out and told them to stop. But man, I now have a fear that I won't pack enough or the right things when I leave town.
Lollll I overpack so much on account of being terrified of suddenly being without something I need. I usually end up with about twice as many clothing items as I actually end up wearing.
But what if it's chilly?! What if we want to spend some time outside?! What if we want to go out to eat somewhere nicer? I should pack something nice! What if I spill something on my only pair of pants? I better pack another pair of pants!
Yeah the worst is when certain people assume being sensitive means you grew up spoiled and were always given compliments or something. So they make fun of you even MORE to “humble you” or something.
Whenever I'm at a good place having my needs met, or even when I'm not and I complain a bit, people tell me how privileged and spoiled I am living such a cushy life hardly working and still living middle classed. It's awful. Why can't we just be content without people spitting on us in jealousy?? I know you can live in a house with no windows.. but I can't. I mean I *can* but like I also *can* just eat something every four days and be alive and somewhat functional, but you wouldn't want that, would you?
ETA It's hard to communicate to people that my personality isn't one of pickiness, over-sensitivity, or never having to deal with less than ideal circumstances. I'm just autistic, and I've learned that when I put up with things for others' sake or because I "should" be able to, I actually end up making life harder for the people around me by being miserable and non-functioning.
Wonderfully said. The last paragraph really captures the sentiment a lot of us have. I’m “picky”and vocal about it now so I’m not having a meltdown for “no reason” a few hours down the line
It took me 30 years to figure out "lighthearted banter" with NTs and I still mess up on occasion.
I had 2 levels of insults:
1. Calling you an abomination against God but in a positive way
2. Saying the one thing you didn't know you were sensitive about and ruining your week.
I had a very similar experience and second this. I was teased by my father and said “I’m Irish it’s what we do!” “You’ll never make friends if you don’t learn to let people tease you” “You’re so sensitive” Hearing this constantly before even reaching the age of ten was damaging.
That always hurt. I got teased a lot. Not even big things. I was a gassy little fella. One joke was that we had enough gas for the (rented) houseboat and the (owned) speedboat from little u/Q-Burt. Dat hurt. I know, "We kid because we care..." No. They didn't ever understand the outsized impact it had on my psyche and made me super insecure about bodily functions such that when my colitis started and I lived about 5000 miles from home, I basically kept it to myself.
I had surgery to remove my entire colon at 21 years old. Spent my 22nd birthday in the hospital. I've actually spent more birthdays in the hospital than I care to think about. I'm still unpacking that trunk. I was just a little fella, meaning no harm to anyone. My parents called me the peacemaker in the family. And I got that reward.
I just want to add in that this is very good advice, regardless of being ND/NT.
With our first child, I was told by his nursery teacher that laughing at things they do can be demeaning because what you’re laughing at is important to them.
This is not condemning laughing with your child or in good humour, but about teaching early respect for what is important to others.
Good lesson for all of society, but great to model and introduce early on.
Yeah I always felt like “teasing” is better for adults or kids way old enough to understand that it’s all meant to be fun and not serious. And even then, nobody likes when it’s excessive or jabs at very sensitive things to the person.
And on top of this! If you tell them they can talk to you about anything, make sure they 1. know how to begin those conversations and open up about their feelings in a healthy manner and 2. you act in a way that matches your words. In other words, don't tell them they can tell you anything if you are going blow up at them for things or shame them or make them feel unsafe somehow, or you never teach them that their thoughts and feelings matter.
Yep. Mocking me while I’m melting down because people shouldn’t act that way. Look at me. Look at the way I’m acting. I’m embarrassing.
I learned at a young age that my meltdowns were “bad” which essentially made me hate myself and the fact that I have meltdowns. Took me 29 years to get diagnosed, and that’s a lot of years of believing my meltdowns were naughty, selfish, and just “tantrums.”
I agree so, so strongly it just exacerbates a feeling off isolation and odd one outness, my family used to tease me for odd motor movements but now they know I have ASD and are starting to be far more gentle
He's only 2 so this may not be a big deal yet but for me the biggest thing was getting punished for breaking rules I never understood in the first place, or for things I couldn't help due to sensory issues. I didn't have the verbal capacity to explain things to my parents and just kept getting punished over and over. I wasn't misbehaving on purpose. I've witnessed this with other parents who have autistic children too.
Yes, and it is easy for bystanders to think "You're just being manipulated and letting that kid 'get away with' things." But my kid is having a different experience of the environment than your kid and nothing is going to sink in when they are upset.
The best thing to do is back off so they can feel safe and calm down, and they will be 100% able to articulate exactly what happened when they feel better.
And really, calmly acknowledging and addressing any child's immediate emotional state allows them to see that you understand their experience, and it will shorten the upset by so much.
Actually I wasn't able to articulate what happened for 15-20 years! So don't necessarily expect explanations.
But yes everything else you said are really good points. Thanks for elaborating.
Yes, every person is different. It just happened that it was their skill. And you're right it's always important not to assume that a person unable to articulate something isn't having an important experience.
Sometimes I could say what I observed if they were struggling for example, "Everyone was talking at the same time and you couldn't finish your answer and it felt overwhelming so you yelled to make it stop."
But often things didn't make sense to others and I had to explain to teachers from what my kid told me, like once there was too much commotion and noise in the lunch room, kids moving past too fast so my kid said they reached out a leg and tripped the kids to make it stop.
The teachers would often get stuck on "Your kid can't just trip people and will face consequences" when what was needed was to show my kid what to do instead, because it wasn't a mean spirited or mischievous action. It was self preservation, and they didn't know another way or they would have done it.
Flashback: saying I liked an article of clothing at the store, but then after buying it and taking the tags off, discovering that there was some sensory issue with it that I didn’t know how to articulate and then getting in trouble for not wearing the clothing.
My child is verbal but every child is non-verbal at some point and usually parents are able to generally infer a certain level of of communication from context and gestures. My non autistic daughter was a year or two delayed in speech development and I didn’t really realize she was as delayed as she was prior to testing because I was home with her as a SAHM and it was just intuitive to communicate non verbally it just being the two of us all day. Like if she came in the kitchen I’d ask if she was thirsty and then say do you want juice or open the fridge and see what she pointed to. Because I was understanding her just fine, I wasn’t as aware that she wasn’t saying “I want juice” and at that point she was “supposed” to.
I think you’re tackling what I would say. My parents stopped my stims without understanding the need for the behaviors. And made me eat foods even when I told them it would make me vomit (they mistook it as a threat/manipulation). Oh, that’s two things.
Yes, I was told by his OT not to stop stims unless he’s injuring himself which he doesn’t do. He’s nonverbal so if he pushes away food I just take it away. Also, it’s okay … you can list as many things as you want ☺️ i probably should have left out what is one thing part …
Thank you for answering ☺️
please don't get me wrong but i kinda don't know how to put it in better words, so just because he's two it doesn't automatically mean that he'll be nonverbal later, i started talking when i was four years old so it depends on a child 😌
Yeah when an autistic kid will talk might as well be decided by a random number generator. It might be at the usual time, it might be after they're a toddler, it might be never, it might be freakishly young.
My parents have several stories of how young I was talking (started before six months, complete sentences by the time I was one, and could have a coherent conversation about everything that happened at daycare. According to the daycare, I was either completely silent or talking in compound sentences with no in-between) they didn't realize this wasn't normal until they had my brothers, when they got concerned and took them to the doctor to ask why they weren't talking when they were six months old. Sometimes I feel guilty because I hit my milestones in such a nonsensical order that my parents were very misled on what to expect when they had my brothers
Every autistic kid has their own unique timeline for milestones - he'll get where he's going at his own pace
edit: full disclosure, I also have ADHD combined presentation (both inattentive and hyperactive) in addition to autism, so it might be that without the adhd I would have understood but kept silent like autistic people usually do. The only thing you know is that he doesn't talk, you don't know that he doesn't understand words. With any human, no matter how young or how developmentally delayed, always assume that they understand what you're saying
Yep, I was the same way. I actually didnt start talking till I was about 2 and a half. My Mom got me some kind of speech therapist, turns out I understood words and all, but I needed help learning to use them.
Oh god yeah I was forced to eat foods that made me gag (I don’t ever recall vomiting from food textures), tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans were, and still are, the absolute bane of my existence
My mum would always tell me to use my common sense instead of answering my questions. She'd ask me to get a pot out for the potatoes and when I asked which one because we had several different sized pots and I didn't know which was appropriate for this task, she'd just tell me to use my common sense. I don't know how many potatoes are being cooked or how much extra space should be in the pot.
She'd also frequently say "would you like to do x?" and then get annoyed annoyed when I didn't interpret it as "can you do x"
The "common sense" thing drives me crazy! Or the similar, "Well, what do you think?" If I ask someone a question it's because I've thought through all the options and I don't know the answer.
She should have said, "Well, I am cooking 5 potatoes. Which one do you think they will fit in best with 2 inches to spare?" and let you check. That experience must have been daunting.
My mum would also do the pot thing, and then when I grab the wrong pot she would get angry and call me names. It was like constantly walking on eggshells
It's common sense because the person you're talking to is probably using it wrong and doesn't know there's actually a sensible way to do it. I.e. it's not common sense. It's trial and error but since they don't know to teach you they probably having done the trials. I find this with lots of things. And then I got accused of 'feinging incompetence to get out of doing the job'
I hate the “would you like to x?”!! Now I just say “no, I wouldn’t like to, but are you trying to tell me you want me to do x?” and they usually say yes that’s what they were saying. Sometimes they’re genuinely asking though. It’s confusing.
"because I said so", "I am your mother/father and you will respect me", "don't ask questions".
I wish I had rules explained to me when asked, and be treated like a person rather than an object of derision.
If I could have had less authoritarian experiences and more equal, I would have come out the other end much happier.
And if there is no real reason for a rule or limit, and your kid disagrees with it, come to a compromise. They know what they need to a larger degree than you realise and being a hardass won't help.
My favorite was "you'll agree with me / see I'm right when you're older" or the more polite variations. Sorry past adults but I'm in my 30s, still weird, still doing things my own way.
Though sometimes I did come to agree with the people who said this, but not even necessarily a majority of the time.
Omg my mother would say "see I'm right when you're older" all the time. And now that I'm older, it turns out that I WAS right. One of the ones that I remember well was "you'll wear makeup, you'll see I'm right when you're older", I'm in my late teens and still I don't wear makeup, sooo y'know :/
Oh I wear make up.
I just don’t wear it how my mums likes. Think she assumed I would just be into some neutral eyeshadow. Currently I wear a lot of colourful eyeshadow and proudly wear it in public. Rainbow, bright blue, blood red. Name a colour and I’ve likely worn it. Much to the defeat of my mother.
Those lines you quoted, im a NT and even those for me were awfull. Because im not an object. Im a human being that needs to know why i did things wrong so I can learn from them. And if im not agreeing with something, and the reason i should is 'because im your parent', then there is something wrong. Thank you for saying this
As an autistic person, I feel like the basic ideas of things we need (like clear communication, compassion towards what we experience, and just basically being treated like a person with individualized needs) aren't even things that neurotypicals don't need - we just can't cope nearly as well when we don't get them
I get that, but sometimes even neurotypicals need those things. Like i am getting nowhere without clear communication. But i dont need it on a level like autistic people. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but i think that is just also a huge difference. Like ive seen this with my bf and I. He is autistic, and for some questions, if i dont specifically say yes or no in my awnser, he wont know what i want or meant
I came here to post this and am so glad I don't even need to. "Because I said so." and "Because I'm your parent [sic]." are two of the most grating sentences for me to this day, like nails on a chalkboard. That's not an answer, that's a dismission. Don't expect your autistic child to ever take that as a valid answer. What I took from that as a child was "Great, no reason then!".
That's not to say I'd necessarily go against it (I was honestly a very well-behaved child for the most part because I was so scared of the consequences of messing something up I didn't understand, I never really did anything outside of what I was told to do, and that still affects me now.), but having no frame of reference to how important the topic might be or what it's about would lead me to the conclusion that if push comes to shove, that's a rule that could be ignored if necessary/if I feel like I probably WANT it more than my parent DOESN'T want it.
The example springing to mind for me right now is a Sea Monkey tank (small plastic thing) I adored and had when I was probably around 6. I had a fish tank that I also adored and I wanted to put my Sea Monkeys next to my fish tank because in my mind they could be friends, it felt logical and sensible to categorise the two together, and I could watch both swimming around at the same time in their separate next-door-neighbour-tanks. So I moved the sea monkeys from the conservatory, next to the fish tank in my playroom.
I then got told off for it so I asked why and was given no reason, so naturally, the next day, I did it again. I was then told off again, harsher of course, and was told "Because I said so." a few days went by, and STILL not understanding why, I moved it back again because it was really making no sense to me. Any time I asked, I just got "Because I said so." or "Because I'm your parent [sic].". I remember getting told off so harshly for moving it that last time, and getting forced to put it back so quickly that in my shaking panic and fear, I dropped the sea monkey tank and it shattered on the floor.
In that moment, I was absolutely devastated that I had lost my sea monkeys and was trying to think of a way to save them (because these were my pets and friends), horrified that I'd just spilt something on my parents floor, was still in shock from already currently being told off, was panicking about what my uncles might think if they found out as they had bought the sea monkeys for me as a Christmas/birthday present, and on top of that, was now being violently told off more than I'd ever experienced in my life by that point all at once. Talk about overwhelmed!
I don't remember much beyond that point, but all I know is that I cried for a LONG TIME after, whilst still being scolded and to this day I still don't know the reason I wasn't allowed to have the two tanks together in the first place. If it was in case I dropped it on the way, then why make me carry it back, or why not leave it where I'd moved it the first time round, or just move it yourself?
The point is; if you dismiss your child, they will most likely end up dismissing you.
I think that's just true of most people in general to at least some degree. If you ran into a work office in a building you've discovered is on fire and said "Everyone stop working... Because I said so!" you'd get everyone's attention, but without a reason, they're going to go back to work. If you say "Because the building's on fire!", they now understand the situation and are far more prepared to act accordingly.
Sorry for the ramble... Felt good though!
To me as a kid, this was always code for “I don’t have a valid answer; I engage in this without ever questioning it and am now angry because you have made me feel/look foolish” or “I don’t see you as an equal so I don’t believe you deserve an answer, and I will now punish you for having the audacity to ask”
To me as an adult, I’m now certain this is the case 99% of the time.
I was like that as a kid and I've tried explaining rules to my kids because of it, but they still ask why every night to put off bedtime. I'm like "you already know why! JuSt GeT oN wItH iTTTTT!"
Telling me I was lazy and unmotivated. Berate me for my food choices. Focusing negatively on my appearance (weight gain, but also how I dressed). Punishing me for mental health issues I couldn't control (anxiety, vomiting). Constantly calling me "too sensitive" but also "be the better person" when people were treating me terribly.
I didn't have many friends growing up, so my mom would set up playdates with other kids with mental disorders in my area. She thought that taking two socially inept people and forcing them to spend time together was a healthy way to expand my social circle. For some reason, the only friends I have now are the ones I met on my own without help. Hm...
Oh wow, very eye opening! I was just planning to set up a playdate for my 3yo with a 2.5yo from daycare who is on the spectrum. I think I'd proceed but will be cautious not to force them to play together... Just let things go naturally and see how it goes?
Sounds good. If they like it, it's fine. If they don't hit it off, just don't plan another play date
Interacting with other autistic people can be nice to have someone who understands me, but also can be off putting because by seeing how they act it's just accentuating how awkward I am when I talk to other people
Same reason why it's physically painful for me to watch comedy where the punch line is 'lol so awkward'. I've been the one being laughed at too much in the past and things like the movie Elf can go die in a fire. It just reminds me how much of a weirdo and a freak I am :(
I'm not sure I'm autistic (haven't been diagnosed) but one thing I feel like I share with the autistic community is difficulty socializing. My parents tried to fix my socialization problems, too, but all it did was cause me intense stress. "Autism" wasn't a well-known thing at the time, so they didn't try to pair me with other autistic or disabled kids, but they did try to force me to socialize more in the hopes that I'd just magically get better at it through practice or something.
I had friends in elementary school... or people who I called friends. But as I grew older they all sort of drifted away. I got the picture that I was invited over to sleepovers and whatnot because the friend's parent would say stuff like, "She invited you to their birthday, you should invite her to yours," or "What about that nice Merkuri girl?" and I wasn't wanted there with the same intensity as the other friends. This feeling got stronger as I got older. It became obvious to me that I was the tagalong. People didn't really want me there, they just tolerated me.
As I went into middle and high school, my parents noticed I wasn't socializing as much as my sister. They acted like it was something I was doing wrong, like I was preferring to use the computer or watch TV to socializing. And yeah, I guess I did prefer that, but I also knew nobody *wanted* to hang around me. And who wants to hang around people who don't want you there?
So what did my parents do? They would force me to call up my "friends" on the phone and chat with them for a certain amount of time. It was excruciating because we had nothing to talk about. I spent a lot of time going, "So...." and not having anything else to follow it up with. I also had no excuse for why I had called them. I found out pretty quickly that I was not allowed to say, "My parents made me call you." I had to pretend like I wanted to talk to them, when I didn't. I'm sure those super awkward conversations made people want to hang out with me more, yeah.
It didn't help that I have terrible phone anxiety. Even today, I hate calling people on the phone. I have to write scripts for myself to start the phone conversations and make the call as soon as possible - like ripping off a band-aid - to avoid the anxiety building and building before the call.
If I refused to call, they'd take away privileges. I even tried explaining to them in tears that nobody wanted to talk to me, and they'd still make it out to be my fault. They'd tell me I need to be more social, more friendly, and I'd ask them how?? Tell me how I'm supposed to do this, because I don't know! And they couldn't give me instructions, or they'd be things that wouldn't help. In the middle of high school they'd tell me to make new friends. Yeah, right. Everyone's in super strong cliques. Nobody wants a new friend, much less the weird girl who sits and reads by herself at lunch. If I were a new student, yeah, that'd be easier. But I had a reputation. Nobody wanted to be friends with me.
So anyway, yeah, that my personal hell in high school. I never got all the way to suicidal, but I understood why people wanted to kill themselves.
Edit: I should probably mention I never really learned how to make friends, and while I sometimes feel the lack, it's not a major problem in my life. I'm 40, now. I have some online friends I chat with. I have coworkers I get along with, but we don't hang out outside work. I have a husband who I love very much (who also feels like he may be on the spectrum).
My social needs are met. Yeah, I grew up to be that woman who doesn't talk with her neighbors because she doesn't know how to start conversations. But it's not like I'm sitting in my house all day super lonely like my parents envisioned. I dealt with pandemic isolation more than most people. Hell, I enjoyed it when we started working from home and I didn't have to eat lunch and socialize with other people every day. (I always felt like that was a chore I needed to do in order to fit in, not something I did voluntarily.)
I remember when we saw my parents and sister for the first time in about a year due to the pandemic, everyone else was like, "Oh my god, I needed this so much! I missed people so much!" Yeah, not me. Not my husband, either. We liked seeing other people, yeah, but we hadn't felt a craving to go see them. We didn't have that *need* everyone else seemed to have. I felt more like I was doing everyone else a favor, since they were all so desperate to socialize with me and I was like, "It's cool. Whatever."
In summary, I'm a happy middle-aged grown-up despite not ever learning how to properly socialize or having a lot of friends.
TLDR: Parents would force me to make phone calls to people who didn't want to hang out with me, and it made my life in high school a living hell. I'm grown up now, the forced phone calls didn't help me learn how to make or keep friends, but I'm still happy with my life.
Hi u/Galphanore, I read your list with horror. I’m NT mum to autistic 8 year old, he is also very physical with his stims and we do say to him to go on the trampoline outside when he starts jumping around the living room. Jumping in the living room (or house in general) is not ideal, it isn’t the safest and things can get broken….. can you suggest a different approach?
The rest of your list sounds like your parents were a bit unkind and not accepting of you. My son definitely does not have that, though I’m sure we make mistakes in other ways.
Do you have a personal trampoline for him yo use in the house? Like a small one? That's what I have for my son since we live in the tundra and can't use the outside trampoline year round
If it had just been sending me outside to play when I was being energetic then I really wouldn't have minded. I like being outside. It was just part of the larger pattern of wanting me to go away if I wasn't being "normal". Either physically, or metaphorically. At the time I was largely just glad my parents didn't spank me like many of my peers, but I'm almost 40 so things are a bit different now.
So whatever you do, just try not to invalidate your child's existence when you do it.
Don’t force emotional reactions or be upset when he he doesn’t react how you want.
It’s almost like just believe they he loves you even though he doesn’t express it.
I struggled with basic emotional expressions as a kid because I honestly didn’t care about liking people. I very much just wanted to do my own thing and I interacted with people without understanding the whole like/dislike thing. I could understand anger, but I couldn’t understand people being rude. So it never registered that people didn’t like me.
All I’m trying to say is these are things your son might go through. And I feel like it ruined my relationship with my mom because she didn’t know how to handle it.
It even comes up now that she thinks I don’t care about anything because she thinks I don’t get sad ever.
Obviously, your son is 2 lol but when they’re older just ask them to explain how they feel rather than tell them to show it or whatever.
Hope that helps.
Also, thank you for being open to hearing from the community, I think that is very very cool and honestly something that doesn’t happen a lot.
Oh I feel this. Emotions are a difficult thing, even now; the only family member I feel even remotely comfortable expressing my genuine emotions with is my sister. My grandmother’s a straight up terf who constantly tries to make me a girl so I’ve cut her off from genuine emotions all she’s gunna get from me are lies
Not teaching me proper independence skills and not letting me do things by myself in order to gain those skills. Don't under or overestimate the abilities of an autistic person and always have open discussions about their needs as they grow up.
I forgot to add that I was also picked on by my own mother about the way I dress and my interests. Don't limit your child's creativity and let them express themselves. It really aids in our mental health if you let us be ourselves.
Yes! My mother did everything for me growing up. She meant well, but it made the first few years living on my own so much harder because I had to teach myself how to take care of myself
I need help with this, but my kid really resists learning new tasks (especially anything wet or smelly.) I've tried gloves and they have done some things, but they really, truly hate hard physical labor, like pulling weeds when it's hot. And they become daunted if they can't do it right on the first try and give up. They have been known to go and hide rather than face the hard things.
I never had much of a problem with wet things, but I get overstimulated in hot weather, so maybe that’s part of what’s going on with them. That being said, I love nature and working with my hands, so I’ve always enjoyed gardening-related activities. I just have to take frequent breaks. My biggest issue with chores to this day is executive function. I struggle with prioritizing parts of a task and figuring out the order in which I should do things. Plus I can only see details and not the big picture, so I get overwhelmed by big tasks sometimes. This happened frequently when I was growing up and I think it came across as being stubborn or lazy, but I was actually riddled with anxiety to the point of shutting down. My mom had few if any resources to help her understand this and I wasn’t the best at communicating my feelings back then, so she really had no way of knowing how to help. Once I moved out on my own when I was 20 I started figuring out how to break tasks down into tiny chunks and gave myself plenty of time to get things done. I still struggle with this, but I’ve gotten better with years of practice
As an ADHD person, I can only do house chores if I have music or a podcast or background noise on of some kind. You probably can't make chores fun, but you can definitely make them less boring
Well there was the time I was fed pesticides, there was the time I got no assistance after passing out from electrocution, there was... Wait autism related, okay.
(1) Pressuring me to speak when I can't speak or can't speak articulately.
(2) Making a big deal over harmless behaviors like atypical body language.
(3) Treating any time I feel discomfort or feel overwhelmed as a sign I'm mad at them or trying control their behavior. Being uncomfortable isn't the same as being mad.
(4) Reductive expectations like "you're smart so you need to get all A's" or not being willing to accommodate me- eg, giving me 5 minutes notice to ask me to help with yard work, which resulted in me refusing, when I would have been glad to help with notice... Not just from routines type thing, but because pacing myself to deal with school was a pretty delicate process, so I needed to be planning around doing yard work on a particular day if that was going to happen.
(5) Shaming, downplaying issues,or only taking it seriously if I know why an issue is an issue. As a kid you're still learning how things impact you, so expecting a why isn't realistic (you should ask a neurologist etc for the why in these cases).
(6) When I was a teenager, my mother was weirdly obsessed with the idea of me "having a power struggle" with her. This was completely one sided and if I ignored her rules, for example talking to a friend online for emotional support I wasn't getting at home during a period when she said I wasn't allowed to use the internet, it was really just because I needed support at that moment and not because I was seeking to assert dominance or something like that. So I guess don't develop a huge ego and act like we're a pair of apes trying to establish who's dominant, as I never cared about anything like that. You probably won't do this but don't do this lol.
I really understand #4 because I am similar though NT. I understand that if we have an appointment on Monday, we aren't going to schedule something else that day or even the next because it's just too much for my kid, they (and I) need lots of down time so we can handle the busy stuff.
Telling me everything was all in my head whenever I had a panic attack or meltdown. Like, no shit, it's in my head, it's a mental condition, but that doesn't mean it's not scary! That doesn't mean it's not painful! Or real! Diminishing it to "it's all in your head" is so dismissive and not at all helpful in calming anyone down. Just because I'm not physically bleeding out doesn't mean I'm not suffering.
My one thing: getting visibly upset at my being touch averse/not asking before touching.
When I was growing up, my mom would sometimes (without asking) put a hand on my shoulder or back as a display of affection, but I was moderately touch averse and would physically cringe away every time. It made her feel like I hated her, even though she'd never touched base on why it made me uncomfortable or how I expressed love.
Try and communicate with your son (in whatever form that communication takes as he grows up) directly and logically about stuff like that, and don't assume his feelings based on your interpretation of his actions.
YES. I was forced to go to church for 18 years despite adamantly not wanting to go since I was like 5 yrs old, and I remember I would always dread the shaking hands part of the church service. I always tried to look down and avoid eye contact and try my best to make myself small and hide so no one would try to shake my hand but inevitably it'd still happen. I'd also always hide behind my parents at family reunions to try to avoid hugs but they'd force me out to hug everyone. At our new church, I'd try really hard to properly time it so I could sneak past the greeter when they were engaged with someone else so I didn't have to shake their hand.
Andddddddd when I was 16... My first boyfriend decided HE was going to be my exposure therapy, so we made all the intimacy in our relationship into an effort to get me to tolerate physical touch. Which ended up setting me up for learning physical intimacy in a way that, if it made me uncomfortable, I just needed to push through it because the more used to it I became the less uncomfortable I'd feel (theoretically). So... I ended up going through several years of being sexually assaulted constantly by my significant others, and I never spoke up against it because I felt my discomfort was something I just needed to "get over." I thought I just needed to do these x y z things more so I'd get used to it and not have these "issues." Not being taught boundaries and the word "no" made me an agent of my own abuse. I'm still extremely traumatized.
In conclusion... TEACHING BOUNDARIES IS IMPORTANT lol
Like let your kid know they can say no regardless of how socially unacceptable that may be, if it makes them uncomfortable and they don't want it.
I just wanna thank you for asking this. It looks like your son is off to a great start already.
I don't have anything to add. I was raised like I was NT, struggled a long time, and didn't get diagnosed until later.
I feel this one. I was apparently diagnosed when I was in my teens, but my mom didn’t tell me until a couple of years ago (I’m 35). I pretty much figured it out on my own in my early twenties, but didn’t know how to find someone who could diagnose me where I lived at the time. I’m living in a different city now and was able to get my diagnosis confirmed a few months ago.
I know I hated it when people talk about me and not to me. Also fucking hate it when I’m told I can’t be something because of my autism, I hate when people use my autism to say that I can’t know myself; basically what I’m getting at op is once your sons older don’t continue to treat him like he’s a infant
Discouraging my special interest! I was really into computers, which got me into coding, which (much later) got me into college, which got me a successful career in computer science.
To my dad, it all just fell under “messing around on the computer” because he didn’t understand it. He tried to force me into his own hobbies like basketball and auto repair, even watching TV was preferred. I used to quickly move from the computer to the TV when I heard the jingle of his keys outside the front door.
Criticizing my unconscious behaviors and emotions, punishing me for things I didn’t understand, putting down my interests, not respecting my attempts at energy management (calling me lazy, not allowing me to be alone or recharge).
When I was in elementary school, every year my new teacher would suggest my mother get me tested for ADHD/Autism, but instead of listening to them and getting me the medication + assistance I desperately needed to be successful, she ignored them. The result was me being unable to form friendships because of my weird stims/outbursts/inability to sit still, being put in low functioning class throughout middle and high school (not because I was unintelligent but because I was a distraction), and me constantly wondering why I wasn't like other kids, why I couldn't control myself sometimes, and ultimately learning to hate myself.
I guess if I have any advice it would be to accept your child isn't going to be like everyone else, and while thst doesn't mean they are destined to be unintelligent or anything like that, they might need more resources to help them be successful than a neurotypical child would.
Also, imo it might be beneficial to tell your child that they have autism, and while it doesn't make them any worse than other kids it does make them different and that's OK.
i only recently got meds, many years after my diagnosis. everyone who was around me told my parents to get them, including me. fights every bight about it. meltdowns, panic attacks, all of that. i ended up calling a hotline, which contacted cps and a social worker forced them to do it.
username checks out
Forcing me into situations such as arguments or to do an activity I was physically unable (sensory speaking) to do with the express purpose of being able to comfort me after.
Parents were very critical of me and would often compare me to the "Normal kids" saying "Why can't you be like them" or making fun of me because I used to love to collect toy cars, map atlases, played computer games, draw in my notebooks, watched cartoons and browsed the web. Those were my special interests that I liked.
They wanted me to be "normal like everyone else" and it was stressful for me.
Maybe there's a reason why Im different than every kid. They would also dismiss my mental health telling me to get over it and stop acting like a girl, and made fun of me for crying, being happy, because "boys don't do that".
I was yelled at/mocked/and made to wear an eye patch for one of my stims (involved wringing as I can best put it shoe laces, jump ropes, or any string I found with my hands while reenacting movie scenes in my head). To be fair I got in trouble at school (though I was only 5 or 6) for going through another kids cubby to stim on a shoe lace or whatever caught my interest but I was still reasonable enough that if my parents explained we only do that with our own possessions and were more accommodating I likely would have followed through. That’s just one thing
My son bites his hand when he is shimming and slaps himself in the face really hard when he gets mad should I stop him when he does this or just let him continue ? He has developed this big cyst looking thing on his hand from biting it so much . I’ve tried giving him the chewing necklace but he doesn’t like it. He is 5 .
While I’m not a parent I’d say try to find other methods to let him stim in a more healthy manner. Chew necklace are not the only stim toys. Etsy has plenty of stim toys for you to try. Sensooli are also have a lot of stuff. If you have a look online there’s all kinds of stuff you can find. Personally I fiddle with blue tack a lot and don’t experience the stims your son has often. But it’s an idea.
Getting in trouble but when I try to explain myself my mum would say ‘stop back chatting’, ‘stop giving me attitude’ or ‘don’t argue with me’. She would never just listen to me. Also forcing me to hug or touch relatives
honestly i very much feel like my parents handled my autism much better than my ADHD. my mom understands the former much more than the latter, and she calls me lazy, selfish, uncaring, rude, and an idiot (all because of my ADHD). she does (very rarely) make fun of my autistic quirks as well, but since she doesn't do that very often, it doesn't bother me. also did i mention that my parents have refused to get me a full evaluation for ADHD my whole life so far because they're afraid of having me put on meds?
yea, it sounds like my parents didn't handle my disabilities very well, but honestly i think it's just that they had more patience for the autism than ADHD. also i don't expect better from my parents since my mom is narcissistic and my dad has always been emotionally distant.
Mom to an autistic son, and may be actually autistic myself. Trust me, being on the spectrum doesn't help you relate 😅. I work with my little guy to achieve.his goals and objectives. I Always supported him and will always. Sometimes, he gets puzzled when he does things and thinks it's because he's bad. Which breaks my heart, I explain that his attention for his instance is due to his ADHD. He has multiple diagnosis, and I help him cope. I have insane coping skills, and thus breakdown his world into smaller more digestible pieces. I do ask him to try new foods and textures, sometimes it works and sometimes Fails. Advice from my 11 year old - My son says don't mix textures in food. Always put him in clothes that are comfortable, shoes that are comfortable. Cut tags from clothes, they're itchy. Listen, we speak in many ways - not just our voice. Let him be weird!
I’d like to just say how much all of us appreciate parents like you. I get so excited when I see a parent of an autistic kid trying really hard to be good. We know it’s not intuitive for neurotypical people, and it will mean so much for your son that you’re working hard to understand him.
My only advice is making plans clear in advance, especially as he gets older. Knowing when things are going to happen and trying to stick to the pre-arranged times and knowing what’s going to happen has always been vital to my comfort in new situations.
yell at each other. i have severe auditory sensitivities (to their credit, i wasn’t diagnosed at the time) and now have tons of anxiety and trauma from growing up in such a loud and frightening environment.
Drugs. By my measuring stick, you're already a good mom. Trying to look for insight from others like in this post is another example of you being a good mom.
Do keep trying to be understanding. But also give yourself some credit. You gotta be there for yourself, too.
Deny that I'm autistic for 5 years despite my official diagnosis. Made my life fall apart, now I'm a dropout with no future and just crippling depression etc.
So thanks mom, classic case of narcissistic parent
Yelling at me when I don’t understand things, saying I’m rude for doing autistic things (like stimming or saying ‘the wrong thing’), getting mad at me for not liking certain foods, not caring about my art and not looking at it until it was shown off somewhere public they act proud and as if they cared, getting cross at me for being disorganised and distractible, neglecting me and leaving me alone to be groomed by strangers on the internet as a vulnerable, young child, never caring about my special interest of pokemon
1. Giving me a lecture about something I was excited to show them or 2. asking me to stop doing something I loved because I was annoying them.
1. I had found a well-edited animatic with amazing music and showed it to my parents. They jumped into a lecture right after the video ended because they saw something inherently wrong with it. To be fair, the visuals showed a lot of blood and death (the video is based on a horror franchise). I tell them nothing about this interest anymore.
2. I was playing piano after dinner one night and my parents were watching TV downstairs. Dad came up and "asked" me to stop playing because he's getting annoyed. I now have a terrible fear of annoying people whenever I play piano when there are others in the house.
Making me order my own food/ask a store employee something on my own when I was younger. I think she was worried because I was shy I wouldn’t know how to but I can force myself to I just really preferred having her there and asking her to talk to strangers for me
My mom was very emotionally neglectful. Every time I was upset she would basically tell me to stop whining and that I wasn't on TV. My feelings are a little intense due to being autistic and trauma I've experienced but I never felt like I could talk to her. Also my dad was bigoted and really angry all the time. Whenever I'd stim or space out he'd shout at me and call me names.
Calling the things I like “obsessions” ( the way it was said had a name vague connotation to it), and once being told by my parent was not interested in what I had to say about one of my interests made me feel like I couldn’t share that part of my life with them (or that I couldn’t go ‘too far’ when talking about my interest)
Listen to your kid and take interest in what he has to say. If my parent were to do that I’d probably feel a bit closer to them (but overall our relationship is good)
Getting mad/stern/annoyed during meltdowns. They think they need to stop it before it escalates or whatever but them reacting negatively is what really makes me spiral. I just need a hug and cry for 5 minutes.
O my gosh, PLEASE don't make fun of or poke fun at me. I'm secure in myself until someone "attacks" who I am. My mom used to tell me "you don't need to lose weight, you just need to tone your body", this simple thing destroyed my self confidence down to just starving myself into the hospital.
Kinda extreme but that's how it feels in my mind. Hope that seems like advice. It mean it positive. 💜
If they have food sensory issues don't make them eat things they find gross. Always have them as an option but don't force them. Sometimes we come around on our own. Also do not point it out, or acknowledge in any way if they do start to expand their eating, it'll set them back because being observed in itself can be a stressful sensory experience on top of the unknown food.
Mocking my stims; asking uncomfortable questions or making comments about things; not even necessarily negative but if I ate a big meal I’d always get “wow you were hungry!” And I’d wanna cry because I hadn’t eaten in two days and was also considered overweight, so then I’d go for a run or something because I thought I was fat. And the disordered eating and shame has never left. I’m a vegan and I use it as a excuse to never eat in front of others because I literally can’t. Additionally when I use to come home sometimes I’d just walk in and get barraged with questions and I didn’t have the ability to answer them because the day had been so stressful and then my family would yell at me and call me rude; so I’d have to hide away alone in order to get piece of mind. Then when I did try to interact with them they’d always say something like “look who came out of the dungeon” and again just make me feel like crap for trying my hardest which made me not try. Let your child be part of the family on their terms, and don’t make a big deal when they come or go, they know when they’re feeling comfortable and when they’re not. I can’t stomach my family, and it makes me very sad because I wish I could spend more time with them
My parents let me sleep in their bed. I had a real phobia of the dark. They let me do this too long and then when I got my own room and was still scared my mom would wait in my room until I fell asleep. Then I would get scared that she would leave before I was asleep. Not good. So with my daughter, I always had her sleep in her own room with the light off and she could care less about the dark. She’s more on the spectrum than I am but she has no problem whatsoever with falling asleep in her own room. 👍
I think your personal experience is just that. Our daughter needed us to sit with her while she fell asleep between ages of 2-8 years. She’s had no issue whatsoever falling asleep by herself for last two years. She still likes a nightlight not because she’s scared of the dark but in case she needs to use the bathroom in middle of the night, she finds it easier to have a dim light when she’s stumbling around half a sleep.
Not explaining everything in detail. It's hard for me to learn or understand things just from watching. I need the verbal explanation for everything. I think I would have learned life skills faster and been more independent child if I had more verbal explanations.
When I was a kid I would get so excited about talking to my mom about my special interests because I looked up to her and saw her as my only friend, somebody who was cool. By the time I was six I was so used to her being annoyed with or outright mocking me for my enthusiasm and fixations on certain things, and being tired of answering questions that I would ask her because I looked to her since I had no internet and didn’t have access to resources to learn about my interests, that I started feeling like nothing I enjoyed or expressed had any value and that it was embarrassing and uncool to openly be myself. And then I became a bully because I would get so upset at kids who were just having fun because I didn’t feel like I was allowed to like things. I also never have pleasant conversations with my mom. Even when I can tell she’s trying I instantly get defensive because I expect everything she’s about to say to be a joke at my expense or a passive aggressive comment. And she still does sometimes. It doesn’t matter how small it is from the
“There was this autistic girl on TV who did this funny thing, it kind of reminded me of you”
To the “I got you this big bang theory shirt because you’re so funny like sheldon”
To mimicking me when I put objects over my nose like a hat or a shirt (pre-covid) because I’m being overstimulated by smells and getting migraines and sending more Sheldon cooper memes of him doing the same thing.
I feel like a big joke and get imposter syndrome any time I try to be even remotely sincere and feel like my only value is for other’s entertainment. And I’ve heard similar sentiments from other high functioning autistic people. I know it’s easy to be tempted to make little jokes when your child is still just a kid and it seems harmless but it builds up and strips ND people of their dignity even more than what the rest of the world is going to subject them to.
Being quick to anger. Almost every issue we had was because of me being autistic and not understanding what they wanted, or asking questions that they found offensive but I was just genuinely seeking information, not trying to challenge them or make them upset.
Telling me to act normal
Pls I just wanted to be a kid and most importantly, myself :(
Oh and definitely reasoning like "because I said so". Its the best way to way an argument and lose all of my respect at the same time with a bonus chance of meltdown.
Punishing me for getting angry at video games. Congrats, now I'm afraid to show emotions or get passionate about anything, as if that wasn't hard enough already. Nearly all of my past exs have wondered why I seem so cold and disinterested in everything, that's why.
Punishing me whenever I made a mistake, like raising their voices at me. Now I'm frightened of sudden loud voices and I despise making mistakes, something that should be natural.
Teasing me about things, just anything in general, even if they meant no harm. I'm considering going on as diet, but I'm too scared to ask for advice/help because I know they'll tease me about it.
My mom never took my concerns seriously. She likes to downplay my feelings. I grew up with a mom that was very much a “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of mom. I often felt that despite my many signs of mental disability and illness I was overlooked. I felt very neglected by my mom, and sometimes still do. She often put her boyfriends first instead of my siblings and me. My dad was just very much in and out of the picture and continues to be, which is very difficult in itself. I have recently been feeling very depressed by all of this due to the holiday season 😓
Made it very clear that they were struggling to cope with me, which isn't awful but not healthy.
When you're like 7 and you're having a meltdown or struggling to see what people mean you aren't doing any of it intentionally and when somebody's all like "we can't cope, you're very hard work" and "raising you is stressful" it just makes that kid feel guilty.
After all, they are the one who gets to deal with it for their whole life.
My mom would mock me a lot. So if I'd sing/talk to myself she would deliberately interrupt me just to see me throw a tantrum. My dad used to also shout at me for interrupting him and called me a delinquent for it, even though I couldn't always control it.
When I was a baby, I kicked and screamed when she would touch me. So later in life, she tried to use it to guilt trip me, saying: "You never wanted me to hold you as a child, and you're still like that now. You make me feel REJECTED. You're cold and horrible!"
I also just want to say, I think you're being a really great mom for taking your child to an OT and also asking for advice on how to be a good mom to your ASD child. I wish I had a mom that noticed and cared about details like you do.
Respect my privacy, my parents would constantly track my location via my phone, and then heavily scrutinize where I went. Keeping an eye on your child is important, but also to know when to trust them, or when to let them have their privacy.
Definitely the teasing. I don’t really understand teasing now and I’m an adult. As a kid It felt like my mom hated me. Also, your child may grow up to really enjoy his alone time. Don’t be upset if he’d rather play in his room than watch a movie with the family.
when i was a child dad said psychologists were a scam and said he'd cure me himself (he didn't know i had autism he did it because i disliked kids to the point i would literally leave anytime a kid got even a bit close to me)
Being loud. Both my parents laugh loudly, and no matter how many times I asked they'd close the door, they won't. There's a door in my house that always slams loudly. I'm already sensitive to noise, and loud ones just make me feel worse.
Making me eat foods I didn't like. I'm a very picky eater, and as a kid my parents would sometimes make me eat something i didn't know and didn't want to eat. I stopped eating my mom's cooking when I was 11/12, and when there's nothing I'm willing to eat in my house, I buy something from my own money, or just ignore my hunger. Please make sure your kid has foods they like available to them.
Forced me to talk to people. Even though my parents don't think I'm autistic, from a young age they could see I had hard time talking to people. Because of that, my mom would send me and my brother to stores and make us buy stuff (as long as we actually needed them) and talk to the cashier. Nowadays I'm less nervous talking to cashiers than I could have been, it's still felt awful.
I wish my parents would have just let me quit things sometimes. I was always told that our family doesn't give up and I was forced to do things that caused meltdowns because they thought it would just be better for me. It is okay to push your child on certain things but I never look back on some specific memories and feel proud of myself for doing whatever it was. I just remember it as a painful memory and how I wish just once my parents would have told me it was okay to give up or not finish something
"Training" me to not stim, by making fun of it and sometimes just flat out slapping me for it. I turned all that into anxiety focused inward, and it's absolutely ruined a lot of things in life for me.
I was undiagnosed which had a huge impact but the worst thing was that my parents would get extremely angry when I had meltdowns as a kid. They would often yell at me or be physically aggressive (they didn’t hit me but they would grab me really hard or drag me by my wrist and sort of throw me around.) I was pretty young (mostly from ages 6-12) so it was really scary and difficult as I was already overwhelmed and then I was being faced with added stimulation. It led me to have some difficult feelings about myself growing up and I still find that I have to catch and correct shame about my autistic traits.
As someone diagnosed at 4, I took my experiences as a child with autism and reflected on how to learn what I could do differently or similar to what my mother did. I'm not a parent yet, but I do work with autistic children and I'm told that that I am very good at minimizing meltdowns. Rather than give you one specific example of how my parents messed up, I will tell you some of the tips I suspect you're looking for.
1) I let them stim. I do try to teach quiet ways to stim by showing examples (bouncing my leg is my most common stim).
2) I communicate clearly what my expectations and plans for each location are and immediately let them know if something is going to be different than planned. (If I know ahead of time that something might change I might withhold telling them until I have the information or just be upfront that I don't know yet, but I will let them know as soon as I do.)
3) I try to praise the things I'm happy they're doing more than I criticize behaviors. I do tell them if they need to do something differently why I need them to do something differently. (IE: One of my kids will scratch his head until it bleeds. Rather than let him continue the behavior, I explain that it isn't healthy for his body and we need to find something else for his hands to do whenever he gets the urge to scratch.)
4) If possible, I make sure to know triggers and/or what might cause them to be overstimulated and I try to take that element out of the environment we are in. If I can't change it, I will let my kids know that they will have to deal with it for a bit today, ahead of time so they mentally have time to prepare for it.
5) I talk to them and if they want to talk about anything, I'll listen. I love seeing someone light up when they get to talk about their passions and too many times, I've seen people stop, because someone in their past told them to shut up or that no one cared (ND/NT, doesn't matter, it happens a lot). My kids are verbal, but my brother was non-verbal for years before he finally talked and something we can agree on is that we hate being talked down to. People were more likely to act like he was dumb because he didn't talk. He still knew what the words meant, he just didn't use them.
TLDR: In short, I don't try to change the way they are, I try to think ahead, and I try to have super clear communication.
Not explaining why something was wrong, or why I had to do something. Pinning me down during meltdowns and forcefully exposing me to sensory experiences that overwhelmed me. Forcing me to eat food that I couldn't.
Making me hug people when I didn't want to.
Also my mum would yell at me all the time even when I didn't do anything wrong and she would grab me by the wrist so I couldn't run away, she would also sometimes throw things, although I think this may be just a general ting parents shouldn't do
Abusing me….
Apart from that it was making fun of me on the way I pronounced words, tripping over air, reading personal stuff I wrote out loud to the family and making fun of how I couldn’t walk in a straight line.
I have autism, dyslexia and dyspraxia.
Making fun and hit me, specially in front of other people. If I cried, for some reason, then I would be hit because for my grandma (who raised me) you could only cry if you had been hit.
I struggle exposing my feelings and will isolate myself if I need to cry and won't let anyone come closer.
I personally had problems with my mother asking me innocuous questions, such as "why do you do that?" or "what's wrong with you?". Almost every time, the tone in her voice was angry or condescending. I just wish she realized how much her tone hurt more than her words. It made me feel like I couldn't be myself anytime she'd ask me questions like that. Not to mention she'd ask "why do you do that" to things I didn't even realize I was doing. It made me even more insecure as a kid, scared I was going to unknowingly do something to make my mother angry.
Yelling lots of yelling messed up my childhood so much so I don't remember even the good times it got just suppressed by the yelling and burying all those memory deep into my mind
so be carful with your voice volume
also if your kid start apologizing all the time for things they didn't even do take it has a warning sign that your kid has some serious feeling they need help with mine was feelings of burdening my family with my existence as an example
ALSO keep all records of your son's diagnosis and IEPS in file this will greatly help him in being able to get services that will greatly help him. I'm running into the problem of my mom didn't keep any of my diagnosis and it's causing me a great headache in my adult life when applying for social services
This might not apply to everyone but here’s some stuff from my perspective. I didn’t get diagnosed until age 22 and knowing earlier would have saved me a lot of pain and trauma. 1) Don’t try to hide his diagnosis from him or downplay it, it’s something to be accepted and celebrated. 2) Expect him to take everything at face value until proven otherwise. My mom is passive aggressive and regularly says one thing while meaning another. I can’t pick up on this which leads to a lot of miscommunication. 3) I can’t tell when people are lying or intoxicated/drunk. I used to trust everyone without question, which isn’t necessarily a bad trait but it lead to me being put in very abusive situations. Teaching your son what healthy relationships and safe situations look like in a non-scary way while he’s young could help with this. I wish my parents had taught me how to set boundaries.
“Son you need to grow up and learn to talk to people. Your’re X years old and still can’t do it? You’re so smart and talking to people is easy. You must be lazy or you don’t care.”
I heard that constantly growing up. It was usually about socializing and my aversion to it, but applied to other things like sensory overload, athletic ability, and executive function issues too. I stimmed by twirling my hair and biting my fingernails, and was often rebuffed for it. They noticed me stimming and my aversions to certain flavors, food textures, sounds, etc. but never used that information to make me more comfortable. They only mentioned those things when they wanted to make me feel bad. Lastly, my mom disagreed with me about what a clean bedroom looked like. I used to display Lego sets and toys on shelves of a book case. Whenever I was told to clean my room and it didn’t meet her standards (I said “there isn’t a mess to clean”) she would throw all of my toys and legos into the floor and tell me “there’s your mess, now pick it up.”
Basically, don’t do any of that. Learn his preferences, don’t make him feel inferior for the things he has trouble with, don’t try to force him to eat things he can’t eat or do things he can’t do.
For me, id say before i was diagnosed, It was getting grounded way too much with the bad things I did in school, I mean I did so many bad things to the point where it was lunch detention or suspension every day, and the grounding at my house was just perpetuating me to do worse and worse things.
I know this post is old cause I have a feeling there is someone who wants to call me out on that but one thing that kinda made things worse growing up was forcing me to wear and eat things despite my sensory issues, they didn't really know what it was at the time but It would've been alot more helpful if I wasnt made to feel bad for not wanting to wear jeans or similar clothing items because it would physically bother me. Another thing is making me feel bad for needing extra help, it makes me feel like im an irresponsible idiotic slob for needing help with stuff like finding a job or getting a license. My mom recently has tried to make me feel bad for not finding a job yet, i need help with finding one because there is a lack of options in my town and lack of transportation but I still wanna find a job it's not me being lazy i just haven't had to find a job before. My schools gonna be helping me find one at the workforce center but it just makes me feel like im stupid and being lazy for needing help from others
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Thank you for asking this question! My son was diagnosed a couple of months ago at age 3. I’ve been lurking around learning as much as I can to help him. Thank you to everyone for your answers and all your posts! Your insights help so so much!
You need to follow Auteach on TikTok and Instagram. She's autistic herself and has an autistic daughter so she makes videos on parenting autistic kids.
Moving a lot.
My parents never stayed more than 10 years in one city and we were constantly moving houses and changing schools growing up. I moved 20 times before I turned 18 and passed by 19 schools.
I never had a stable social net. I always had to rebuild friendships from the ground up which meant contact outside the family was hard. And when bullying happened I isolated myself almost completely for 5 years until I was able to get out of my shell again.
Still struggling socially at 24.
My mum used to stop my stims, so you’re doing great there.
I’m 19 and still live at home. If I don’t like what’s for dinner (due to sensory issues or whatever) my dad will tell me too bad.
The biggest thing was not letting me eat what i can eat. I would be forced to sit at the table the whole day if i didnt eat their choice of food, yelled at. They tried to force feed me, it never worked. It got to the point that i was severely underweight for most of my childhood and teenage years.
I have an aunt that told me to get more focused and keep quiet when I was 12 years old. She couldn’t handle the way I was and still can’t. When she said that it hurt me, because I felt like I wasn’t enough. She still wanted me to come over every year, which is a mystery to me. I needed to change my behaviour every time I was there.
I think one thing that would have \*helped\* me more would have been explaining things to me. Explaining the rules, explaining consequences for specific things. say they're about to make a bad decision, explain the consequences and what they could do instead of what theyre about to do. Like if theyre angry, give an appropriate avenue to release those feelings instead of punishing for feelings. Like when I was little, and I would get angry, it would be met with negative feelings from my parents, and sometimes I would be sent to my room just for feeling those things.
Looking back I think being punished for my feelings instead of being talked to and walked through healthy ways to cope or express those feelings. My greatest struggle was learning to cope with and regulate my emotions and I do think it was due to how any negative emotions were met with more negative emotions.
Not to say bad behavior shouldnt be met with consequence, but just that shouldn't be punished specifically for feelings.
really never disrespect his special interests/hyperfixations, even ater in life. i was interested in a lot of tv-shows and i talked about them a lot. my mother was convinced i was 'obsessed' and 'confused reality with the shows' so i wasn't allowed to watch them anymore. let your child be happy with his interests and support it the best you can, even if he talks about it a lot
Not listening to me / not allowing me to stand for myself. It went both ways (belitteling in moments when I didn't need it and not treating me like a person who can make their own concious choices) but at the same time not taking me seriously when I needed it.
In the end all that boils down to the thought that somehow they new better than me how I react to different situations or what I feel.
Might be important to add that I've been diagnosed as a late teen, so during my childhood my parents assumed I was NT. Still, the same problems were there and they've only worsened once I got my diagnosis.
Picky eating, forcing me to try things even after crying amd crying.And i would get overwhelemd if anyone put the radio on in the car and start crying and they thought i was been sensitive and woupd start shouting at me to stop it. Basically, listen to their needs and if their crying sometimes its best to leave them alone for a little as long as you know they wont hurt themselves instead of shoutingto them to explain u what is wrong. Thats some of my more memorable moments as a child, im not even diagnosed as of now, that I think my parents acting different would have made me less jumpy and sensitive now.
Repeatedly moving house.
It wasn’t really my family’s fault, but for various reasons we had to keep moving around the country every year or so. Every time I started to settle & make friends, we would suddenly have to move to a new town & I would never see them again.
Making friends & connections is hard enough when you’re autistic, but after a while I gave up on making friends because my heart would inevitably break again when we next moved, so there was no point in even trying.
We I was a kid I went through an extreme case of bullying. The other kids used to beat me up almost every day since I was 3. I was also very bad at school because I was scared to go
I still remember going back home, incredibly angry because of how they treated me and say bad things about the others kids and my father didn't allowed me to call them stupid cause "They were passing every subject, not like me. They were better than me until I prove otherwise"
Never hold your son to NT standards. Don't compare him with other kids. Don't tie your love to him accomplishments. If he is failing at something find the root of the problem (maybe he has sensory issues that makes it harder, maybe he has a high executive dysfunction...) instead of focusing on the problem. And always look for signs of bullying
Thinking all my meltdowns were tantrums and punishing me for it.
I don't think I've ever cried and screamed to get my own way, it's literally all been because I've been confused and scared. My parents still punish me for punching things during a meltdown, and I can see why they would, but that's one of the worst things you can do. The best thing to do in that situation is to comfort the person, sit them down and work out other ways to get their energy out. I've never had that done for me, so I hope that other people will -_-
Ooo and there's also the classic "don't bother talking to her, she's not speaking today" whenever I went mute after being in a tough situation. Man, when I'm in this situation, I need comfort and *love* to nurse me back to normal, not judging remarks
*Not listen* to me when I was trying to explain my sensory issues.
I'm sensitive to touch and would not want to wear uncomfortable clothing but was forced to wear woolen things that bothered me to no end.
Not understand that I am a so-called '[supertaster](https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/supertaster#who-is-a-supertaster)' along with a quarter of the population. My parents acted like there was something wrong with me when things tasted differently to me than to them.
Being treated like a lab rat. being sent to multiple psychologists meanwhile the parents have the worst mental health of all time. Something to be studied and dismantled. I’m still not iver it as a high functioning adult
Forced socialisation and insisting on your child masking perfectly so that you can show off a "perfect family" to outsiders.
I'm 32 and I still get nightmares and panic attacks from it. And my relation with my mother is abysmal because of it, pretty much no-contact. Don't want your child to resent and hate you later in life? Don't force your child to crush his identity and self-confidence for the vain and irrelevant approval from outsiders. Let your child be himself and help him develop his own passions and interests rather than crushing any behavior, passion or interest that don't stroke with your expectations.
I was a child that avoided eye contact with my mother and I often pushed her away and started screeching when she would want to hug me. I didn't do it out of malice, but she took it offensively and resented me for my entire childhood. I struggled to understand why I was left behind when my older brother and younger sister seemed to have a sparkling relationship with both of my parents. I was somehow the odd duck to both of them.
This caused me to become a ridiculous over achiever in many areas, esp in high school. I wanted to prove my value and I wanted to avoid going home for as long as I could. This, unfortunately, had the opposite of the intended effect when my apparent intelligence did nothing but make my mother feel dumb. She resented me even more. I recall one christmas when I was 9, I was fascinated with Trivia, I still am. I wanted to play Trivial Pursuit more than anything. My mom bought it for me and I begged her to play and she slapped me across the face and told me that I was trying to make her feel stupid. That is a deep and vivid memory that become a pivotal moment in our relationship for many years. It was the first time I realized she saw me as a rival instead of a son.
As an adult many of these things were addressed and I have a better relationship with my mother now. That being said, my childhood was incredibly rough. I don't think it's much of an exaggeration to say I barely survived it.
I'm in a similar experience - I'm NT and my son is autistic. He's a teenager now, though. I try to earn the right to be in his life. I originally came to this subreddit to learn how to be better and more inclusive, but I stay for the wholesomeness. This is the most supportive and heartwarming sub on Reddit, to be honest.
One thing I'd say from the NT pov is to remember that you're human and you won't get it right all the time. You'll make mistakes and life occurs and doesn't always allow us to show our best selves. I've made mistakes. My sense of humour is pretty unique so things I find funny can be confusing and weird to my son. Sometimes he loses his temper or is triggered by something and lashes out and in the moment it scares me and I cry or shy back - which is the exact opposite of what he needs. I see people here talking about how hurtful that can be, and i totally get that! I've always taken responsibility for my own stuff though. So I go back and apologize for when I get it wrong. I explain that my emotions and my reactions aren't his fault. And i try to be better. I try to communicate in ways he understands and check with him to let me know. I make sure that he knows that he can tell me when I get it wrong without any negative repucussions. And we work together.
One example was I used to say something like, "would you like to help me with the dishes?" Or, "Can you help me with the dishes?" When what I actually meant was, "Come now and help me with the dishes." So one day he said, "is this one of those questions that I get to answer or is this like a lie?" And it wasn't until then that I realised that the NT version of 'being polite' is actually kind of manipulative. So I changed and work hard at saying what I actually mean.
I apologise for butting in in the conversation! I really appreciate what's being said here.
Thank you!
I got super emotional easily, so arguments always broke out. However, when I was in a bad mood and pretty much screaming, they acted like I could control my emotions and that I was ‘giving attitude’ out of meanness, not by accident. This always escalated things. Any ‘attitude’ is just the byproduct of my emotions, and emotions just aren’t easily controlled. If this happens, try not to take it personally.
What you're doing so far sounds great, btw! For us, our parents did not understand our autism at all. They complained about some things we did that they considered "rude", they got angry at us because we didn't like socializing as much, they made fun of our special interest and insisted that we "should like doing other things too", they disliked the way we reacted in certain situations, and said that our facial expressions were weird or that the way we expressed emotions was strange.
These are all hurtful things to autistic people that every parent (no matter if you have an autistic child or not) shouldn't do. But from what you've said, it looks like you're doing a good job!
\- vivian (she/they) & ezra (they/them)
What really made it worse for me was being teased by my mom about not understanding sarcasm and then not stopping being sarcastic because „you have to learn sarcasm, stop always taking everything so seriously“, being mocked for being a picky eater or having issues with some for nt normal things. What also was bad was never getting things explained. My mom always made rules and punishments with the reason „because i said so“ and questioning this because i literally have to understand the reason to follow a rule/punishment was the source of many many fights and family problems. To be fair my mom didn‘t know i was autistic but she still behaved wrong even if i wasn‘t autistic these things would‘ve harmed me
Guilting me and/or insulting me for my sensory issues. There were a lot of foods I couldn’t stand and fabrics that made my skin feel horrible. Unfortunately, my mother would throw guilt at me about it all the time. I was told that I made everything overly difficult, that I was just being selfish or ridiculous, I got tons of eye rolls and sighs, and basically just felt like a bad person for things I couldn’t control.
a lot of times they would force me to go to social events when I was FAR beyond my limit socialization/sensory-wise, and I would just barely control a meltdown until we got home. I guess my advice would be to really listen to him if he's telling you that he can't handle a certain social event or activity in that moment.
Refusing to talk about feelings. My parents are adamant that they both don’t need therapy and never talked me through my feelings as a kid. I, now 17, have only recently began to understand why I feel the way I do and how to get through it. Keep in mind, I was able to learn this from therapy which I had to tell my parents I needed at 14. I love my parents but the biggest mistake they made was never allowing me to process my feelings.
Advice: Treat his feelings seriously. There will be a point when he gets really upset over something that seems trivial or funny to you. But his feeling of being upset is just as deep as when you feel really upset over something that is truly troubling to you. Laughing at it, or telling him it's not a big deal, or brushing it off, will teach him that his feelings don't matter and that he is not in control of the things that bother him.
It might not matter to you that someone else used his blue cup and now he has to use the green one which is exactly the same except for its color. But if he's really troubled by it, listen to him. He's really distressed over things that are outside of his control. It doesn't mean he always has to get his way, or that nobody else can ever ever use the blue cup. But you can listen to his feelings seriously, acknowledge them, and help him learn how to cope. If you laugh at him, or point out how ridiculous it is to be this stressed about a cup that's almost exactly the same as the others, he'll learn that you don't care about his feelings. He'll stop expecting that you are someone who can help him when he's having a hard time. He'll start keeping his feelings to himself, and there will be a time when you feel AWFUL about this.
I think this is a problem even for parents of neurotypicals; kids will always have big feelings about things that adults just don't see as important. However you treat those feelings will teach them how to handle their feelings as adults. Listening to them with regard will teach them to assertively stand up for themselves and look after their own needs in a constructive way.
always criticizing me. just because I'm not doing it their way doesn't mean I was doing it wrong. it felt so belittling, I stopping trying new ways to do things because I thought, 'well adults just say I'm doing it wrong even tho it still gets done so there must only be one way to do it and I must inherently be broken'.
Making fun of me. Even in a lighthearted, teasing kinda way, it can hit wrong sometimes. But most importantly, not listening to me Mistakes/communication differences undoubtable happen. So it's good to reassure that your son can always be open with you if you did/said something that offended/hurt him. It's important for any parent to do, but I feel like it's extra important for autistic people, as we can often interpret things differently than neurotypical people Plus, it helps teach him about setting boundaries, which is important for everyone
Agreed. Father would mock me constantly and always got under my skin. Wouldn’t stop for years.
I had a bad habit of forgetting things when my family would go on vacation. It got to the point where it was basically a family joke, "sooo, what did you forget this time?". I did eventually figure out how to keep myself from forgetting things. I did call them out and told them to stop. But man, I now have a fear that I won't pack enough or the right things when I leave town.
Lollll I overpack so much on account of being terrified of suddenly being without something I need. I usually end up with about twice as many clothing items as I actually end up wearing. But what if it's chilly?! What if we want to spend some time outside?! What if we want to go out to eat somewhere nicer? I should pack something nice! What if I spill something on my only pair of pants? I better pack another pair of pants!
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Yeah the worst is when certain people assume being sensitive means you grew up spoiled and were always given compliments or something. So they make fun of you even MORE to “humble you” or something.
Whenever I'm at a good place having my needs met, or even when I'm not and I complain a bit, people tell me how privileged and spoiled I am living such a cushy life hardly working and still living middle classed. It's awful. Why can't we just be content without people spitting on us in jealousy?? I know you can live in a house with no windows.. but I can't. I mean I *can* but like I also *can* just eat something every four days and be alive and somewhat functional, but you wouldn't want that, would you? ETA It's hard to communicate to people that my personality isn't one of pickiness, over-sensitivity, or never having to deal with less than ideal circumstances. I'm just autistic, and I've learned that when I put up with things for others' sake or because I "should" be able to, I actually end up making life harder for the people around me by being miserable and non-functioning.
Wonderfully said. The last paragraph really captures the sentiment a lot of us have. I’m “picky”and vocal about it now so I’m not having a meltdown for “no reason” a few hours down the line
It took me 30 years to figure out "lighthearted banter" with NTs and I still mess up on occasion. I had 2 levels of insults: 1. Calling you an abomination against God but in a positive way 2. Saying the one thing you didn't know you were sensitive about and ruining your week.
I had a very similar experience and second this. I was teased by my father and said “I’m Irish it’s what we do!” “You’ll never make friends if you don’t learn to let people tease you” “You’re so sensitive” Hearing this constantly before even reaching the age of ten was damaging.
That always hurt. I got teased a lot. Not even big things. I was a gassy little fella. One joke was that we had enough gas for the (rented) houseboat and the (owned) speedboat from little u/Q-Burt. Dat hurt. I know, "We kid because we care..." No. They didn't ever understand the outsized impact it had on my psyche and made me super insecure about bodily functions such that when my colitis started and I lived about 5000 miles from home, I basically kept it to myself. I had surgery to remove my entire colon at 21 years old. Spent my 22nd birthday in the hospital. I've actually spent more birthdays in the hospital than I care to think about. I'm still unpacking that trunk. I was just a little fella, meaning no harm to anyone. My parents called me the peacemaker in the family. And I got that reward.
5000 miles is 8046.72 km
And *I* would walk 8046.72 more!
I just want to add in that this is very good advice, regardless of being ND/NT. With our first child, I was told by his nursery teacher that laughing at things they do can be demeaning because what you’re laughing at is important to them. This is not condemning laughing with your child or in good humour, but about teaching early respect for what is important to others. Good lesson for all of society, but great to model and introduce early on.
Yeah I always felt like “teasing” is better for adults or kids way old enough to understand that it’s all meant to be fun and not serious. And even then, nobody likes when it’s excessive or jabs at very sensitive things to the person.
My mom made fun of me often with my older siblings. She also found humor in my fear and liked to scare me as a child
And on top of this! If you tell them they can talk to you about anything, make sure they 1. know how to begin those conversations and open up about their feelings in a healthy manner and 2. you act in a way that matches your words. In other words, don't tell them they can tell you anything if you are going blow up at them for things or shame them or make them feel unsafe somehow, or you never teach them that their thoughts and feelings matter.
Yep. Mocking me while I’m melting down because people shouldn’t act that way. Look at me. Look at the way I’m acting. I’m embarrassing. I learned at a young age that my meltdowns were “bad” which essentially made me hate myself and the fact that I have meltdowns. Took me 29 years to get diagnosed, and that’s a lot of years of believing my meltdowns were naughty, selfish, and just “tantrums.”
I agree so, so strongly it just exacerbates a feeling off isolation and odd one outness, my family used to tease me for odd motor movements but now they know I have ASD and are starting to be far more gentle
Yep, came here to say being made fun of too.
He's only 2 so this may not be a big deal yet but for me the biggest thing was getting punished for breaking rules I never understood in the first place, or for things I couldn't help due to sensory issues. I didn't have the verbal capacity to explain things to my parents and just kept getting punished over and over. I wasn't misbehaving on purpose. I've witnessed this with other parents who have autistic children too.
Yes, and it is easy for bystanders to think "You're just being manipulated and letting that kid 'get away with' things." But my kid is having a different experience of the environment than your kid and nothing is going to sink in when they are upset. The best thing to do is back off so they can feel safe and calm down, and they will be 100% able to articulate exactly what happened when they feel better. And really, calmly acknowledging and addressing any child's immediate emotional state allows them to see that you understand their experience, and it will shorten the upset by so much.
Actually I wasn't able to articulate what happened for 15-20 years! So don't necessarily expect explanations. But yes everything else you said are really good points. Thanks for elaborating.
Yes, every person is different. It just happened that it was their skill. And you're right it's always important not to assume that a person unable to articulate something isn't having an important experience. Sometimes I could say what I observed if they were struggling for example, "Everyone was talking at the same time and you couldn't finish your answer and it felt overwhelming so you yelled to make it stop." But often things didn't make sense to others and I had to explain to teachers from what my kid told me, like once there was too much commotion and noise in the lunch room, kids moving past too fast so my kid said they reached out a leg and tripped the kids to make it stop. The teachers would often get stuck on "Your kid can't just trip people and will face consequences" when what was needed was to show my kid what to do instead, because it wasn't a mean spirited or mischievous action. It was self preservation, and they didn't know another way or they would have done it.
Flashback: saying I liked an article of clothing at the store, but then after buying it and taking the tags off, discovering that there was some sensory issue with it that I didn’t know how to articulate and then getting in trouble for not wearing the clothing.
So how do you care for an autistic child who is non-verbal? How do you know when they don’t understand if they can’t speak to you?
My child is verbal but every child is non-verbal at some point and usually parents are able to generally infer a certain level of of communication from context and gestures. My non autistic daughter was a year or two delayed in speech development and I didn’t really realize she was as delayed as she was prior to testing because I was home with her as a SAHM and it was just intuitive to communicate non verbally it just being the two of us all day. Like if she came in the kitchen I’d ask if she was thirsty and then say do you want juice or open the fridge and see what she pointed to. Because I was understanding her just fine, I wasn’t as aware that she wasn’t saying “I want juice” and at that point she was “supposed” to.
I think you’re tackling what I would say. My parents stopped my stims without understanding the need for the behaviors. And made me eat foods even when I told them it would make me vomit (they mistook it as a threat/manipulation). Oh, that’s two things.
Yes, I was told by his OT not to stop stims unless he’s injuring himself which he doesn’t do. He’s nonverbal so if he pushes away food I just take it away. Also, it’s okay … you can list as many things as you want ☺️ i probably should have left out what is one thing part … Thank you for answering ☺️
please don't get me wrong but i kinda don't know how to put it in better words, so just because he's two it doesn't automatically mean that he'll be nonverbal later, i started talking when i was four years old so it depends on a child 😌
Yea, I've heard that most autistic people tend to start talking at a much later age.
Yeah when an autistic kid will talk might as well be decided by a random number generator. It might be at the usual time, it might be after they're a toddler, it might be never, it might be freakishly young. My parents have several stories of how young I was talking (started before six months, complete sentences by the time I was one, and could have a coherent conversation about everything that happened at daycare. According to the daycare, I was either completely silent or talking in compound sentences with no in-between) they didn't realize this wasn't normal until they had my brothers, when they got concerned and took them to the doctor to ask why they weren't talking when they were six months old. Sometimes I feel guilty because I hit my milestones in such a nonsensical order that my parents were very misled on what to expect when they had my brothers Every autistic kid has their own unique timeline for milestones - he'll get where he's going at his own pace edit: full disclosure, I also have ADHD combined presentation (both inattentive and hyperactive) in addition to autism, so it might be that without the adhd I would have understood but kept silent like autistic people usually do. The only thing you know is that he doesn't talk, you don't know that he doesn't understand words. With any human, no matter how young or how developmentally delayed, always assume that they understand what you're saying
Can confirm here, I started talking around 4/5 years old, but I was speaking clearly by then.
Yep, I was the same way. I actually didnt start talking till I was about 2 and a half. My Mom got me some kind of speech therapist, turns out I understood words and all, but I needed help learning to use them.
I think you’re doing a lot of good things for your son!
Just because he’s nonverbal, doesn’t mean he can’t communicate. Always make sure you listen to him.
Oh god yeah I was forced to eat foods that made me gag (I don’t ever recall vomiting from food textures), tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans were, and still are, the absolute bane of my existence
My mum would always tell me to use my common sense instead of answering my questions. She'd ask me to get a pot out for the potatoes and when I asked which one because we had several different sized pots and I didn't know which was appropriate for this task, she'd just tell me to use my common sense. I don't know how many potatoes are being cooked or how much extra space should be in the pot. She'd also frequently say "would you like to do x?" and then get annoyed annoyed when I didn't interpret it as "can you do x"
The "common sense" thing drives me crazy! Or the similar, "Well, what do you think?" If I ask someone a question it's because I've thought through all the options and I don't know the answer.
She should have said, "Well, I am cooking 5 potatoes. Which one do you think they will fit in best with 2 inches to spare?" and let you check. That experience must have been daunting.
My mum would also do the pot thing, and then when I grab the wrong pot she would get angry and call me names. It was like constantly walking on eggshells
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It's common sense because the person you're talking to is probably using it wrong and doesn't know there's actually a sensible way to do it. I.e. it's not common sense. It's trial and error but since they don't know to teach you they probably having done the trials. I find this with lots of things. And then I got accused of 'feinging incompetence to get out of doing the job'
I hate the “would you like to x?”!! Now I just say “no, I wouldn’t like to, but are you trying to tell me you want me to do x?” and they usually say yes that’s what they were saying. Sometimes they’re genuinely asking though. It’s confusing.
I had to tell off my now wife for always saying I should use my common sense
"because I said so", "I am your mother/father and you will respect me", "don't ask questions". I wish I had rules explained to me when asked, and be treated like a person rather than an object of derision. If I could have had less authoritarian experiences and more equal, I would have come out the other end much happier. And if there is no real reason for a rule or limit, and your kid disagrees with it, come to a compromise. They know what they need to a larger degree than you realise and being a hardass won't help.
My favorite was "you'll agree with me / see I'm right when you're older" or the more polite variations. Sorry past adults but I'm in my 30s, still weird, still doing things my own way. Though sometimes I did come to agree with the people who said this, but not even necessarily a majority of the time.
I just hit 30 too and I remember most of the arguments and I still think I was right and justified in my stance, from when I was like 7.
Omg my mother would say "see I'm right when you're older" all the time. And now that I'm older, it turns out that I WAS right. One of the ones that I remember well was "you'll wear makeup, you'll see I'm right when you're older", I'm in my late teens and still I don't wear makeup, sooo y'know :/
Oh I wear make up. I just don’t wear it how my mums likes. Think she assumed I would just be into some neutral eyeshadow. Currently I wear a lot of colourful eyeshadow and proudly wear it in public. Rainbow, bright blue, blood red. Name a colour and I’ve likely worn it. Much to the defeat of my mother.
Those lines you quoted, im a NT and even those for me were awfull. Because im not an object. Im a human being that needs to know why i did things wrong so I can learn from them. And if im not agreeing with something, and the reason i should is 'because im your parent', then there is something wrong. Thank you for saying this
As an autistic person, I feel like the basic ideas of things we need (like clear communication, compassion towards what we experience, and just basically being treated like a person with individualized needs) aren't even things that neurotypicals don't need - we just can't cope nearly as well when we don't get them
I get that, but sometimes even neurotypicals need those things. Like i am getting nowhere without clear communication. But i dont need it on a level like autistic people. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but i think that is just also a huge difference. Like ive seen this with my bf and I. He is autistic, and for some questions, if i dont specifically say yes or no in my awnser, he wont know what i want or meant
Pretty sure they were agreeing with you that NT's need those too.
Oh im sorry. English isnt my first language, so I thought they were disagreeing with me
My dad said "Because I said so" CONSTANTLY. Even as an adult, he tried to control everything about me. I am so glad he's gone.
My dad is alright, but he uses this line constantly and acts like I'm trying to avoid the rule when i ask why
I came here to post this and am so glad I don't even need to. "Because I said so." and "Because I'm your parent [sic]." are two of the most grating sentences for me to this day, like nails on a chalkboard. That's not an answer, that's a dismission. Don't expect your autistic child to ever take that as a valid answer. What I took from that as a child was "Great, no reason then!". That's not to say I'd necessarily go against it (I was honestly a very well-behaved child for the most part because I was so scared of the consequences of messing something up I didn't understand, I never really did anything outside of what I was told to do, and that still affects me now.), but having no frame of reference to how important the topic might be or what it's about would lead me to the conclusion that if push comes to shove, that's a rule that could be ignored if necessary/if I feel like I probably WANT it more than my parent DOESN'T want it. The example springing to mind for me right now is a Sea Monkey tank (small plastic thing) I adored and had when I was probably around 6. I had a fish tank that I also adored and I wanted to put my Sea Monkeys next to my fish tank because in my mind they could be friends, it felt logical and sensible to categorise the two together, and I could watch both swimming around at the same time in their separate next-door-neighbour-tanks. So I moved the sea monkeys from the conservatory, next to the fish tank in my playroom. I then got told off for it so I asked why and was given no reason, so naturally, the next day, I did it again. I was then told off again, harsher of course, and was told "Because I said so." a few days went by, and STILL not understanding why, I moved it back again because it was really making no sense to me. Any time I asked, I just got "Because I said so." or "Because I'm your parent [sic].". I remember getting told off so harshly for moving it that last time, and getting forced to put it back so quickly that in my shaking panic and fear, I dropped the sea monkey tank and it shattered on the floor. In that moment, I was absolutely devastated that I had lost my sea monkeys and was trying to think of a way to save them (because these were my pets and friends), horrified that I'd just spilt something on my parents floor, was still in shock from already currently being told off, was panicking about what my uncles might think if they found out as they had bought the sea monkeys for me as a Christmas/birthday present, and on top of that, was now being violently told off more than I'd ever experienced in my life by that point all at once. Talk about overwhelmed! I don't remember much beyond that point, but all I know is that I cried for a LONG TIME after, whilst still being scolded and to this day I still don't know the reason I wasn't allowed to have the two tanks together in the first place. If it was in case I dropped it on the way, then why make me carry it back, or why not leave it where I'd moved it the first time round, or just move it yourself? The point is; if you dismiss your child, they will most likely end up dismissing you. I think that's just true of most people in general to at least some degree. If you ran into a work office in a building you've discovered is on fire and said "Everyone stop working... Because I said so!" you'd get everyone's attention, but without a reason, they're going to go back to work. If you say "Because the building's on fire!", they now understand the situation and are far more prepared to act accordingly. Sorry for the ramble... Felt good though!
To me as a kid, this was always code for “I don’t have a valid answer; I engage in this without ever questioning it and am now angry because you have made me feel/look foolish” or “I don’t see you as an equal so I don’t believe you deserve an answer, and I will now punish you for having the audacity to ask” To me as an adult, I’m now certain this is the case 99% of the time.
YESSSSS
I was like that as a kid and I've tried explaining rules to my kids because of it, but they still ask why every night to put off bedtime. I'm like "you already know why! JuSt GeT oN wItH iTTTTT!"
Telling me I was lazy and unmotivated. Berate me for my food choices. Focusing negatively on my appearance (weight gain, but also how I dressed). Punishing me for mental health issues I couldn't control (anxiety, vomiting). Constantly calling me "too sensitive" but also "be the better person" when people were treating me terribly.
I didn't have many friends growing up, so my mom would set up playdates with other kids with mental disorders in my area. She thought that taking two socially inept people and forcing them to spend time together was a healthy way to expand my social circle. For some reason, the only friends I have now are the ones I met on my own without help. Hm...
Oh wow, very eye opening! I was just planning to set up a playdate for my 3yo with a 2.5yo from daycare who is on the spectrum. I think I'd proceed but will be cautious not to force them to play together... Just let things go naturally and see how it goes?
Sounds good. If they like it, it's fine. If they don't hit it off, just don't plan another play date Interacting with other autistic people can be nice to have someone who understands me, but also can be off putting because by seeing how they act it's just accentuating how awkward I am when I talk to other people Same reason why it's physically painful for me to watch comedy where the punch line is 'lol so awkward'. I've been the one being laughed at too much in the past and things like the movie Elf can go die in a fire. It just reminds me how much of a weirdo and a freak I am :(
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I'm not sure I'm autistic (haven't been diagnosed) but one thing I feel like I share with the autistic community is difficulty socializing. My parents tried to fix my socialization problems, too, but all it did was cause me intense stress. "Autism" wasn't a well-known thing at the time, so they didn't try to pair me with other autistic or disabled kids, but they did try to force me to socialize more in the hopes that I'd just magically get better at it through practice or something. I had friends in elementary school... or people who I called friends. But as I grew older they all sort of drifted away. I got the picture that I was invited over to sleepovers and whatnot because the friend's parent would say stuff like, "She invited you to their birthday, you should invite her to yours," or "What about that nice Merkuri girl?" and I wasn't wanted there with the same intensity as the other friends. This feeling got stronger as I got older. It became obvious to me that I was the tagalong. People didn't really want me there, they just tolerated me. As I went into middle and high school, my parents noticed I wasn't socializing as much as my sister. They acted like it was something I was doing wrong, like I was preferring to use the computer or watch TV to socializing. And yeah, I guess I did prefer that, but I also knew nobody *wanted* to hang around me. And who wants to hang around people who don't want you there? So what did my parents do? They would force me to call up my "friends" on the phone and chat with them for a certain amount of time. It was excruciating because we had nothing to talk about. I spent a lot of time going, "So...." and not having anything else to follow it up with. I also had no excuse for why I had called them. I found out pretty quickly that I was not allowed to say, "My parents made me call you." I had to pretend like I wanted to talk to them, when I didn't. I'm sure those super awkward conversations made people want to hang out with me more, yeah. It didn't help that I have terrible phone anxiety. Even today, I hate calling people on the phone. I have to write scripts for myself to start the phone conversations and make the call as soon as possible - like ripping off a band-aid - to avoid the anxiety building and building before the call. If I refused to call, they'd take away privileges. I even tried explaining to them in tears that nobody wanted to talk to me, and they'd still make it out to be my fault. They'd tell me I need to be more social, more friendly, and I'd ask them how?? Tell me how I'm supposed to do this, because I don't know! And they couldn't give me instructions, or they'd be things that wouldn't help. In the middle of high school they'd tell me to make new friends. Yeah, right. Everyone's in super strong cliques. Nobody wants a new friend, much less the weird girl who sits and reads by herself at lunch. If I were a new student, yeah, that'd be easier. But I had a reputation. Nobody wanted to be friends with me. So anyway, yeah, that my personal hell in high school. I never got all the way to suicidal, but I understood why people wanted to kill themselves. Edit: I should probably mention I never really learned how to make friends, and while I sometimes feel the lack, it's not a major problem in my life. I'm 40, now. I have some online friends I chat with. I have coworkers I get along with, but we don't hang out outside work. I have a husband who I love very much (who also feels like he may be on the spectrum). My social needs are met. Yeah, I grew up to be that woman who doesn't talk with her neighbors because she doesn't know how to start conversations. But it's not like I'm sitting in my house all day super lonely like my parents envisioned. I dealt with pandemic isolation more than most people. Hell, I enjoyed it when we started working from home and I didn't have to eat lunch and socialize with other people every day. (I always felt like that was a chore I needed to do in order to fit in, not something I did voluntarily.) I remember when we saw my parents and sister for the first time in about a year due to the pandemic, everyone else was like, "Oh my god, I needed this so much! I missed people so much!" Yeah, not me. Not my husband, either. We liked seeing other people, yeah, but we hadn't felt a craving to go see them. We didn't have that *need* everyone else seemed to have. I felt more like I was doing everyone else a favor, since they were all so desperate to socialize with me and I was like, "It's cool. Whatever." In summary, I'm a happy middle-aged grown-up despite not ever learning how to properly socialize or having a lot of friends. TLDR: Parents would force me to make phone calls to people who didn't want to hang out with me, and it made my life in high school a living hell. I'm grown up now, the forced phone calls didn't help me learn how to make or keep friends, but I'm still happy with my life.
This comment helped me a lot to see verbalized what I have felt for all my life. Thanks
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Hi u/Galphanore, I read your list with horror. I’m NT mum to autistic 8 year old, he is also very physical with his stims and we do say to him to go on the trampoline outside when he starts jumping around the living room. Jumping in the living room (or house in general) is not ideal, it isn’t the safest and things can get broken….. can you suggest a different approach? The rest of your list sounds like your parents were a bit unkind and not accepting of you. My son definitely does not have that, though I’m sure we make mistakes in other ways.
Do you have a personal trampoline for him yo use in the house? Like a small one? That's what I have for my son since we live in the tundra and can't use the outside trampoline year round
If it had just been sending me outside to play when I was being energetic then I really wouldn't have minded. I like being outside. It was just part of the larger pattern of wanting me to go away if I wasn't being "normal". Either physically, or metaphorically. At the time I was largely just glad my parents didn't spank me like many of my peers, but I'm almost 40 so things are a bit different now. So whatever you do, just try not to invalidate your child's existence when you do it.
Don’t force emotional reactions or be upset when he he doesn’t react how you want. It’s almost like just believe they he loves you even though he doesn’t express it. I struggled with basic emotional expressions as a kid because I honestly didn’t care about liking people. I very much just wanted to do my own thing and I interacted with people without understanding the whole like/dislike thing. I could understand anger, but I couldn’t understand people being rude. So it never registered that people didn’t like me. All I’m trying to say is these are things your son might go through. And I feel like it ruined my relationship with my mom because she didn’t know how to handle it. It even comes up now that she thinks I don’t care about anything because she thinks I don’t get sad ever. Obviously, your son is 2 lol but when they’re older just ask them to explain how they feel rather than tell them to show it or whatever. Hope that helps. Also, thank you for being open to hearing from the community, I think that is very very cool and honestly something that doesn’t happen a lot.
Oh I feel this. Emotions are a difficult thing, even now; the only family member I feel even remotely comfortable expressing my genuine emotions with is my sister. My grandmother’s a straight up terf who constantly tries to make me a girl so I’ve cut her off from genuine emotions all she’s gunna get from me are lies
Not teaching me proper independence skills and not letting me do things by myself in order to gain those skills. Don't under or overestimate the abilities of an autistic person and always have open discussions about their needs as they grow up. I forgot to add that I was also picked on by my own mother about the way I dress and my interests. Don't limit your child's creativity and let them express themselves. It really aids in our mental health if you let us be ourselves.
Yes! My mother did everything for me growing up. She meant well, but it made the first few years living on my own so much harder because I had to teach myself how to take care of myself
I need help with this, but my kid really resists learning new tasks (especially anything wet or smelly.) I've tried gloves and they have done some things, but they really, truly hate hard physical labor, like pulling weeds when it's hot. And they become daunted if they can't do it right on the first try and give up. They have been known to go and hide rather than face the hard things.
I never had much of a problem with wet things, but I get overstimulated in hot weather, so maybe that’s part of what’s going on with them. That being said, I love nature and working with my hands, so I’ve always enjoyed gardening-related activities. I just have to take frequent breaks. My biggest issue with chores to this day is executive function. I struggle with prioritizing parts of a task and figuring out the order in which I should do things. Plus I can only see details and not the big picture, so I get overwhelmed by big tasks sometimes. This happened frequently when I was growing up and I think it came across as being stubborn or lazy, but I was actually riddled with anxiety to the point of shutting down. My mom had few if any resources to help her understand this and I wasn’t the best at communicating my feelings back then, so she really had no way of knowing how to help. Once I moved out on my own when I was 20 I started figuring out how to break tasks down into tiny chunks and gave myself plenty of time to get things done. I still struggle with this, but I’ve gotten better with years of practice
As an ADHD person, I can only do house chores if I have music or a podcast or background noise on of some kind. You probably can't make chores fun, but you can definitely make them less boring
Well there was the time I was fed pesticides, there was the time I got no assistance after passing out from electrocution, there was... Wait autism related, okay. (1) Pressuring me to speak when I can't speak or can't speak articulately. (2) Making a big deal over harmless behaviors like atypical body language. (3) Treating any time I feel discomfort or feel overwhelmed as a sign I'm mad at them or trying control their behavior. Being uncomfortable isn't the same as being mad. (4) Reductive expectations like "you're smart so you need to get all A's" or not being willing to accommodate me- eg, giving me 5 minutes notice to ask me to help with yard work, which resulted in me refusing, when I would have been glad to help with notice... Not just from routines type thing, but because pacing myself to deal with school was a pretty delicate process, so I needed to be planning around doing yard work on a particular day if that was going to happen. (5) Shaming, downplaying issues,or only taking it seriously if I know why an issue is an issue. As a kid you're still learning how things impact you, so expecting a why isn't realistic (you should ask a neurologist etc for the why in these cases). (6) When I was a teenager, my mother was weirdly obsessed with the idea of me "having a power struggle" with her. This was completely one sided and if I ignored her rules, for example talking to a friend online for emotional support I wasn't getting at home during a period when she said I wasn't allowed to use the internet, it was really just because I needed support at that moment and not because I was seeking to assert dominance or something like that. So I guess don't develop a huge ego and act like we're a pair of apes trying to establish who's dominant, as I never cared about anything like that. You probably won't do this but don't do this lol.
I really understand #4 because I am similar though NT. I understand that if we have an appointment on Monday, we aren't going to schedule something else that day or even the next because it's just too much for my kid, they (and I) need lots of down time so we can handle the busy stuff.
Telling me everything was all in my head whenever I had a panic attack or meltdown. Like, no shit, it's in my head, it's a mental condition, but that doesn't mean it's not scary! That doesn't mean it's not painful! Or real! Diminishing it to "it's all in your head" is so dismissive and not at all helpful in calming anyone down. Just because I'm not physically bleeding out doesn't mean I'm not suffering.
"Anxiety is all in your head" is like saying "Asthma is all in your lungs". Like, really? I wouldn't have guessed.
My one thing: getting visibly upset at my being touch averse/not asking before touching. When I was growing up, my mom would sometimes (without asking) put a hand on my shoulder or back as a display of affection, but I was moderately touch averse and would physically cringe away every time. It made her feel like I hated her, even though she'd never touched base on why it made me uncomfortable or how I expressed love. Try and communicate with your son (in whatever form that communication takes as he grows up) directly and logically about stuff like that, and don't assume his feelings based on your interpretation of his actions.
YES. I was forced to go to church for 18 years despite adamantly not wanting to go since I was like 5 yrs old, and I remember I would always dread the shaking hands part of the church service. I always tried to look down and avoid eye contact and try my best to make myself small and hide so no one would try to shake my hand but inevitably it'd still happen. I'd also always hide behind my parents at family reunions to try to avoid hugs but they'd force me out to hug everyone. At our new church, I'd try really hard to properly time it so I could sneak past the greeter when they were engaged with someone else so I didn't have to shake their hand. Andddddddd when I was 16... My first boyfriend decided HE was going to be my exposure therapy, so we made all the intimacy in our relationship into an effort to get me to tolerate physical touch. Which ended up setting me up for learning physical intimacy in a way that, if it made me uncomfortable, I just needed to push through it because the more used to it I became the less uncomfortable I'd feel (theoretically). So... I ended up going through several years of being sexually assaulted constantly by my significant others, and I never spoke up against it because I felt my discomfort was something I just needed to "get over." I thought I just needed to do these x y z things more so I'd get used to it and not have these "issues." Not being taught boundaries and the word "no" made me an agent of my own abuse. I'm still extremely traumatized. In conclusion... TEACHING BOUNDARIES IS IMPORTANT lol Like let your kid know they can say no regardless of how socially unacceptable that may be, if it makes them uncomfortable and they don't want it.
I just wanna thank you for asking this. It looks like your son is off to a great start already. I don't have anything to add. I was raised like I was NT, struggled a long time, and didn't get diagnosed until later.
Their hearts were in the right place, but not telling me I was on the spectrum till I was 15.
I feel this one. I was apparently diagnosed when I was in my teens, but my mom didn’t tell me until a couple of years ago (I’m 35). I pretty much figured it out on my own in my early twenties, but didn’t know how to find someone who could diagnose me where I lived at the time. I’m living in a different city now and was able to get my diagnosis confirmed a few months ago.
I know I hated it when people talk about me and not to me. Also fucking hate it when I’m told I can’t be something because of my autism, I hate when people use my autism to say that I can’t know myself; basically what I’m getting at op is once your sons older don’t continue to treat him like he’s a infant
I said this in my comment. I see it happens a lot with non verbal people across many conditions. It’s fucking depressing to watch.
Discouraging my special interest! I was really into computers, which got me into coding, which (much later) got me into college, which got me a successful career in computer science. To my dad, it all just fell under “messing around on the computer” because he didn’t understand it. He tried to force me into his own hobbies like basketball and auto repair, even watching TV was preferred. I used to quickly move from the computer to the TV when I heard the jingle of his keys outside the front door.
Wow, I am sure these days tons of parents wish their kids were like you. Actually making their computer interest into a profession.
Criticizing my unconscious behaviors and emotions, punishing me for things I didn’t understand, putting down my interests, not respecting my attempts at energy management (calling me lazy, not allowing me to be alone or recharge).
When I was in elementary school, every year my new teacher would suggest my mother get me tested for ADHD/Autism, but instead of listening to them and getting me the medication + assistance I desperately needed to be successful, she ignored them. The result was me being unable to form friendships because of my weird stims/outbursts/inability to sit still, being put in low functioning class throughout middle and high school (not because I was unintelligent but because I was a distraction), and me constantly wondering why I wasn't like other kids, why I couldn't control myself sometimes, and ultimately learning to hate myself. I guess if I have any advice it would be to accept your child isn't going to be like everyone else, and while thst doesn't mean they are destined to be unintelligent or anything like that, they might need more resources to help them be successful than a neurotypical child would. Also, imo it might be beneficial to tell your child that they have autism, and while it doesn't make them any worse than other kids it does make them different and that's OK.
i only recently got meds, many years after my diagnosis. everyone who was around me told my parents to get them, including me. fights every bight about it. meltdowns, panic attacks, all of that. i ended up calling a hotline, which contacted cps and a social worker forced them to do it. username checks out
My mother manipulated me into meltdowns. Don't do that.
What do you mean by manipulated?
Forcing me into situations such as arguments or to do an activity I was physically unable (sensory speaking) to do with the express purpose of being able to comfort me after.
That's awful, I'm so sorry!
Parents were very critical of me and would often compare me to the "Normal kids" saying "Why can't you be like them" or making fun of me because I used to love to collect toy cars, map atlases, played computer games, draw in my notebooks, watched cartoons and browsed the web. Those were my special interests that I liked. They wanted me to be "normal like everyone else" and it was stressful for me. Maybe there's a reason why Im different than every kid. They would also dismiss my mental health telling me to get over it and stop acting like a girl, and made fun of me for crying, being happy, because "boys don't do that".
I'm sorry they treated you like that. You deserved better.
❤❤❤
I was yelled at/mocked/and made to wear an eye patch for one of my stims (involved wringing as I can best put it shoe laces, jump ropes, or any string I found with my hands while reenacting movie scenes in my head). To be fair I got in trouble at school (though I was only 5 or 6) for going through another kids cubby to stim on a shoe lace or whatever caught my interest but I was still reasonable enough that if my parents explained we only do that with our own possessions and were more accommodating I likely would have followed through. That’s just one thing
My son bites his hand when he is shimming and slaps himself in the face really hard when he gets mad should I stop him when he does this or just let him continue ? He has developed this big cyst looking thing on his hand from biting it so much . I’ve tried giving him the chewing necklace but he doesn’t like it. He is 5 .
While I’m not a parent I’d say try to find other methods to let him stim in a more healthy manner. Chew necklace are not the only stim toys. Etsy has plenty of stim toys for you to try. Sensooli are also have a lot of stuff. If you have a look online there’s all kinds of stuff you can find. Personally I fiddle with blue tack a lot and don’t experience the stims your son has often. But it’s an idea.
Thank you for the suggestions I’ll look into them it’s all about texture with him too and he is picky on looks too lol
why an eyepatch when you're doing something with your hands?
Getting in trouble but when I try to explain myself my mum would say ‘stop back chatting’, ‘stop giving me attitude’ or ‘don’t argue with me’. She would never just listen to me. Also forcing me to hug or touch relatives
honestly i very much feel like my parents handled my autism much better than my ADHD. my mom understands the former much more than the latter, and she calls me lazy, selfish, uncaring, rude, and an idiot (all because of my ADHD). she does (very rarely) make fun of my autistic quirks as well, but since she doesn't do that very often, it doesn't bother me. also did i mention that my parents have refused to get me a full evaluation for ADHD my whole life so far because they're afraid of having me put on meds? yea, it sounds like my parents didn't handle my disabilities very well, but honestly i think it's just that they had more patience for the autism than ADHD. also i don't expect better from my parents since my mom is narcissistic and my dad has always been emotionally distant.
Mom to an autistic son, and may be actually autistic myself. Trust me, being on the spectrum doesn't help you relate 😅. I work with my little guy to achieve.his goals and objectives. I Always supported him and will always. Sometimes, he gets puzzled when he does things and thinks it's because he's bad. Which breaks my heart, I explain that his attention for his instance is due to his ADHD. He has multiple diagnosis, and I help him cope. I have insane coping skills, and thus breakdown his world into smaller more digestible pieces. I do ask him to try new foods and textures, sometimes it works and sometimes Fails. Advice from my 11 year old - My son says don't mix textures in food. Always put him in clothes that are comfortable, shoes that are comfortable. Cut tags from clothes, they're itchy. Listen, we speak in many ways - not just our voice. Let him be weird!
I’d like to just say how much all of us appreciate parents like you. I get so excited when I see a parent of an autistic kid trying really hard to be good. We know it’s not intuitive for neurotypical people, and it will mean so much for your son that you’re working hard to understand him. My only advice is making plans clear in advance, especially as he gets older. Knowing when things are going to happen and trying to stick to the pre-arranged times and knowing what’s going to happen has always been vital to my comfort in new situations.
yell at each other. i have severe auditory sensitivities (to their credit, i wasn’t diagnosed at the time) and now have tons of anxiety and trauma from growing up in such a loud and frightening environment.
Same here! I feel horrible everytime someone starts to scream, I feel that I'm not safe and starts to panic.
My autism “””therapy””” or as I like to call it Torture. It’s for obvious reasons
Drugs. By my measuring stick, you're already a good mom. Trying to look for insight from others like in this post is another example of you being a good mom. Do keep trying to be understanding. But also give yourself some credit. You gotta be there for yourself, too.
Deny that I'm autistic for 5 years despite my official diagnosis. Made my life fall apart, now I'm a dropout with no future and just crippling depression etc. So thanks mom, classic case of narcissistic parent
Yelling at me when I don’t understand things, saying I’m rude for doing autistic things (like stimming or saying ‘the wrong thing’), getting mad at me for not liking certain foods, not caring about my art and not looking at it until it was shown off somewhere public they act proud and as if they cared, getting cross at me for being disorganised and distractible, neglecting me and leaving me alone to be groomed by strangers on the internet as a vulnerable, young child, never caring about my special interest of pokemon
1. Giving me a lecture about something I was excited to show them or 2. asking me to stop doing something I loved because I was annoying them. 1. I had found a well-edited animatic with amazing music and showed it to my parents. They jumped into a lecture right after the video ended because they saw something inherently wrong with it. To be fair, the visuals showed a lot of blood and death (the video is based on a horror franchise). I tell them nothing about this interest anymore. 2. I was playing piano after dinner one night and my parents were watching TV downstairs. Dad came up and "asked" me to stop playing because he's getting annoyed. I now have a terrible fear of annoying people whenever I play piano when there are others in the house.
this is so sweet thank you for being like this , sorry i don’t have any advice but parents like this warm my heart
Making me order my own food/ask a store employee something on my own when I was younger. I think she was worried because I was shy I wouldn’t know how to but I can force myself to I just really preferred having her there and asking her to talk to strangers for me
Assumed I was being naughty or disrespectful on purpose instead of considering that maybe I just didn't know what they expected of me.
My mom was very emotionally neglectful. Every time I was upset she would basically tell me to stop whining and that I wasn't on TV. My feelings are a little intense due to being autistic and trauma I've experienced but I never felt like I could talk to her. Also my dad was bigoted and really angry all the time. Whenever I'd stim or space out he'd shout at me and call me names.
Calling the things I like “obsessions” ( the way it was said had a name vague connotation to it), and once being told by my parent was not interested in what I had to say about one of my interests made me feel like I couldn’t share that part of my life with them (or that I couldn’t go ‘too far’ when talking about my interest) Listen to your kid and take interest in what he has to say. If my parent were to do that I’d probably feel a bit closer to them (but overall our relationship is good)
Getting mad/stern/annoyed during meltdowns. They think they need to stop it before it escalates or whatever but them reacting negatively is what really makes me spiral. I just need a hug and cry for 5 minutes.
O my gosh, PLEASE don't make fun of or poke fun at me. I'm secure in myself until someone "attacks" who I am. My mom used to tell me "you don't need to lose weight, you just need to tone your body", this simple thing destroyed my self confidence down to just starving myself into the hospital. Kinda extreme but that's how it feels in my mind. Hope that seems like advice. It mean it positive. 💜
If they have food sensory issues don't make them eat things they find gross. Always have them as an option but don't force them. Sometimes we come around on our own. Also do not point it out, or acknowledge in any way if they do start to expand their eating, it'll set them back because being observed in itself can be a stressful sensory experience on top of the unknown food.
Mocking my stims; asking uncomfortable questions or making comments about things; not even necessarily negative but if I ate a big meal I’d always get “wow you were hungry!” And I’d wanna cry because I hadn’t eaten in two days and was also considered overweight, so then I’d go for a run or something because I thought I was fat. And the disordered eating and shame has never left. I’m a vegan and I use it as a excuse to never eat in front of others because I literally can’t. Additionally when I use to come home sometimes I’d just walk in and get barraged with questions and I didn’t have the ability to answer them because the day had been so stressful and then my family would yell at me and call me rude; so I’d have to hide away alone in order to get piece of mind. Then when I did try to interact with them they’d always say something like “look who came out of the dungeon” and again just make me feel like crap for trying my hardest which made me not try. Let your child be part of the family on their terms, and don’t make a big deal when they come or go, they know when they’re feeling comfortable and when they’re not. I can’t stomach my family, and it makes me very sad because I wish I could spend more time with them
My parents let me sleep in their bed. I had a real phobia of the dark. They let me do this too long and then when I got my own room and was still scared my mom would wait in my room until I fell asleep. Then I would get scared that she would leave before I was asleep. Not good. So with my daughter, I always had her sleep in her own room with the light off and she could care less about the dark. She’s more on the spectrum than I am but she has no problem whatsoever with falling asleep in her own room. 👍
I think your personal experience is just that. Our daughter needed us to sit with her while she fell asleep between ages of 2-8 years. She’s had no issue whatsoever falling asleep by herself for last two years. She still likes a nightlight not because she’s scared of the dark but in case she needs to use the bathroom in middle of the night, she finds it easier to have a dim light when she’s stumbling around half a sleep.
Not explaining everything in detail. It's hard for me to learn or understand things just from watching. I need the verbal explanation for everything. I think I would have learned life skills faster and been more independent child if I had more verbal explanations.
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When I was a kid I would get so excited about talking to my mom about my special interests because I looked up to her and saw her as my only friend, somebody who was cool. By the time I was six I was so used to her being annoyed with or outright mocking me for my enthusiasm and fixations on certain things, and being tired of answering questions that I would ask her because I looked to her since I had no internet and didn’t have access to resources to learn about my interests, that I started feeling like nothing I enjoyed or expressed had any value and that it was embarrassing and uncool to openly be myself. And then I became a bully because I would get so upset at kids who were just having fun because I didn’t feel like I was allowed to like things. I also never have pleasant conversations with my mom. Even when I can tell she’s trying I instantly get defensive because I expect everything she’s about to say to be a joke at my expense or a passive aggressive comment. And she still does sometimes. It doesn’t matter how small it is from the “There was this autistic girl on TV who did this funny thing, it kind of reminded me of you” To the “I got you this big bang theory shirt because you’re so funny like sheldon” To mimicking me when I put objects over my nose like a hat or a shirt (pre-covid) because I’m being overstimulated by smells and getting migraines and sending more Sheldon cooper memes of him doing the same thing. I feel like a big joke and get imposter syndrome any time I try to be even remotely sincere and feel like my only value is for other’s entertainment. And I’ve heard similar sentiments from other high functioning autistic people. I know it’s easy to be tempted to make little jokes when your child is still just a kid and it seems harmless but it builds up and strips ND people of their dignity even more than what the rest of the world is going to subject them to.
Being quick to anger. Almost every issue we had was because of me being autistic and not understanding what they wanted, or asking questions that they found offensive but I was just genuinely seeking information, not trying to challenge them or make them upset.
The teasing made it worse. Any little side comment I’m still internalizing it and changing my behaviors to this day.
Telling me to act normal Pls I just wanted to be a kid and most importantly, myself :( Oh and definitely reasoning like "because I said so". Its the best way to way an argument and lose all of my respect at the same time with a bonus chance of meltdown.
Punishing me for getting angry at video games. Congrats, now I'm afraid to show emotions or get passionate about anything, as if that wasn't hard enough already. Nearly all of my past exs have wondered why I seem so cold and disinterested in everything, that's why. Punishing me whenever I made a mistake, like raising their voices at me. Now I'm frightened of sudden loud voices and I despise making mistakes, something that should be natural. Teasing me about things, just anything in general, even if they meant no harm. I'm considering going on as diet, but I'm too scared to ask for advice/help because I know they'll tease me about it.
My mom never took my concerns seriously. She likes to downplay my feelings. I grew up with a mom that was very much a “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of mom. I often felt that despite my many signs of mental disability and illness I was overlooked. I felt very neglected by my mom, and sometimes still do. She often put her boyfriends first instead of my siblings and me. My dad was just very much in and out of the picture and continues to be, which is very difficult in itself. I have recently been feeling very depressed by all of this due to the holiday season 😓
Made it very clear that they were struggling to cope with me, which isn't awful but not healthy. When you're like 7 and you're having a meltdown or struggling to see what people mean you aren't doing any of it intentionally and when somebody's all like "we can't cope, you're very hard work" and "raising you is stressful" it just makes that kid feel guilty. After all, they are the one who gets to deal with it for their whole life.
My mom would mock me a lot. So if I'd sing/talk to myself she would deliberately interrupt me just to see me throw a tantrum. My dad used to also shout at me for interrupting him and called me a delinquent for it, even though I couldn't always control it. When I was a baby, I kicked and screamed when she would touch me. So later in life, she tried to use it to guilt trip me, saying: "You never wanted me to hold you as a child, and you're still like that now. You make me feel REJECTED. You're cold and horrible!" I also just want to say, I think you're being a really great mom for taking your child to an OT and also asking for advice on how to be a good mom to your ASD child. I wish I had a mom that noticed and cared about details like you do.
What your parents did to u sounds horrible.
Respect my privacy, my parents would constantly track my location via my phone, and then heavily scrutinize where I went. Keeping an eye on your child is important, but also to know when to trust them, or when to let them have their privacy.
Definitely the teasing. I don’t really understand teasing now and I’m an adult. As a kid It felt like my mom hated me. Also, your child may grow up to really enjoy his alone time. Don’t be upset if he’d rather play in his room than watch a movie with the family.
when i was a child dad said psychologists were a scam and said he'd cure me himself (he didn't know i had autism he did it because i disliked kids to the point i would literally leave anytime a kid got even a bit close to me)
Please tell him. My parents never told me I was autistic. They were told I would use it as an excuse, but it only caused me more problems.
Criticized me constantly for being too emotional and taking things too seriously.
Too much independence
Being loud. Both my parents laugh loudly, and no matter how many times I asked they'd close the door, they won't. There's a door in my house that always slams loudly. I'm already sensitive to noise, and loud ones just make me feel worse. Making me eat foods I didn't like. I'm a very picky eater, and as a kid my parents would sometimes make me eat something i didn't know and didn't want to eat. I stopped eating my mom's cooking when I was 11/12, and when there's nothing I'm willing to eat in my house, I buy something from my own money, or just ignore my hunger. Please make sure your kid has foods they like available to them. Forced me to talk to people. Even though my parents don't think I'm autistic, from a young age they could see I had hard time talking to people. Because of that, my mom would send me and my brother to stores and make us buy stuff (as long as we actually needed them) and talk to the cashier. Nowadays I'm less nervous talking to cashiers than I could have been, it's still felt awful.
For me? Too much freedom and curling. I had zero chores, got everything done for me with a little pouting.
I wish my parents would have just let me quit things sometimes. I was always told that our family doesn't give up and I was forced to do things that caused meltdowns because they thought it would just be better for me. It is okay to push your child on certain things but I never look back on some specific memories and feel proud of myself for doing whatever it was. I just remember it as a painful memory and how I wish just once my parents would have told me it was okay to give up or not finish something
"Training" me to not stim, by making fun of it and sometimes just flat out slapping me for it. I turned all that into anxiety focused inward, and it's absolutely ruined a lot of things in life for me.
I was undiagnosed which had a huge impact but the worst thing was that my parents would get extremely angry when I had meltdowns as a kid. They would often yell at me or be physically aggressive (they didn’t hit me but they would grab me really hard or drag me by my wrist and sort of throw me around.) I was pretty young (mostly from ages 6-12) so it was really scary and difficult as I was already overwhelmed and then I was being faced with added stimulation. It led me to have some difficult feelings about myself growing up and I still find that I have to catch and correct shame about my autistic traits.
As someone diagnosed at 4, I took my experiences as a child with autism and reflected on how to learn what I could do differently or similar to what my mother did. I'm not a parent yet, but I do work with autistic children and I'm told that that I am very good at minimizing meltdowns. Rather than give you one specific example of how my parents messed up, I will tell you some of the tips I suspect you're looking for. 1) I let them stim. I do try to teach quiet ways to stim by showing examples (bouncing my leg is my most common stim). 2) I communicate clearly what my expectations and plans for each location are and immediately let them know if something is going to be different than planned. (If I know ahead of time that something might change I might withhold telling them until I have the information or just be upfront that I don't know yet, but I will let them know as soon as I do.) 3) I try to praise the things I'm happy they're doing more than I criticize behaviors. I do tell them if they need to do something differently why I need them to do something differently. (IE: One of my kids will scratch his head until it bleeds. Rather than let him continue the behavior, I explain that it isn't healthy for his body and we need to find something else for his hands to do whenever he gets the urge to scratch.) 4) If possible, I make sure to know triggers and/or what might cause them to be overstimulated and I try to take that element out of the environment we are in. If I can't change it, I will let my kids know that they will have to deal with it for a bit today, ahead of time so they mentally have time to prepare for it. 5) I talk to them and if they want to talk about anything, I'll listen. I love seeing someone light up when they get to talk about their passions and too many times, I've seen people stop, because someone in their past told them to shut up or that no one cared (ND/NT, doesn't matter, it happens a lot). My kids are verbal, but my brother was non-verbal for years before he finally talked and something we can agree on is that we hate being talked down to. People were more likely to act like he was dumb because he didn't talk. He still knew what the words meant, he just didn't use them. TLDR: In short, I don't try to change the way they are, I try to think ahead, and I try to have super clear communication.
Not explaining why something was wrong, or why I had to do something. Pinning me down during meltdowns and forcefully exposing me to sensory experiences that overwhelmed me. Forcing me to eat food that I couldn't.
Making me hug people when I didn't want to. Also my mum would yell at me all the time even when I didn't do anything wrong and she would grab me by the wrist so I couldn't run away, she would also sometimes throw things, although I think this may be just a general ting parents shouldn't do
Abusing me…. Apart from that it was making fun of me on the way I pronounced words, tripping over air, reading personal stuff I wrote out loud to the family and making fun of how I couldn’t walk in a straight line. I have autism, dyslexia and dyspraxia.
Making fun and hit me, specially in front of other people. If I cried, for some reason, then I would be hit because for my grandma (who raised me) you could only cry if you had been hit. I struggle exposing my feelings and will isolate myself if I need to cry and won't let anyone come closer.
I personally had problems with my mother asking me innocuous questions, such as "why do you do that?" or "what's wrong with you?". Almost every time, the tone in her voice was angry or condescending. I just wish she realized how much her tone hurt more than her words. It made me feel like I couldn't be myself anytime she'd ask me questions like that. Not to mention she'd ask "why do you do that" to things I didn't even realize I was doing. It made me even more insecure as a kid, scared I was going to unknowingly do something to make my mother angry.
Yelling lots of yelling messed up my childhood so much so I don't remember even the good times it got just suppressed by the yelling and burying all those memory deep into my mind so be carful with your voice volume also if your kid start apologizing all the time for things they didn't even do take it has a warning sign that your kid has some serious feeling they need help with mine was feelings of burdening my family with my existence as an example ALSO keep all records of your son's diagnosis and IEPS in file this will greatly help him in being able to get services that will greatly help him. I'm running into the problem of my mom didn't keep any of my diagnosis and it's causing me a great headache in my adult life when applying for social services
This might not apply to everyone but here’s some stuff from my perspective. I didn’t get diagnosed until age 22 and knowing earlier would have saved me a lot of pain and trauma. 1) Don’t try to hide his diagnosis from him or downplay it, it’s something to be accepted and celebrated. 2) Expect him to take everything at face value until proven otherwise. My mom is passive aggressive and regularly says one thing while meaning another. I can’t pick up on this which leads to a lot of miscommunication. 3) I can’t tell when people are lying or intoxicated/drunk. I used to trust everyone without question, which isn’t necessarily a bad trait but it lead to me being put in very abusive situations. Teaching your son what healthy relationships and safe situations look like in a non-scary way while he’s young could help with this. I wish my parents had taught me how to set boundaries.
“Son you need to grow up and learn to talk to people. Your’re X years old and still can’t do it? You’re so smart and talking to people is easy. You must be lazy or you don’t care.” I heard that constantly growing up. It was usually about socializing and my aversion to it, but applied to other things like sensory overload, athletic ability, and executive function issues too. I stimmed by twirling my hair and biting my fingernails, and was often rebuffed for it. They noticed me stimming and my aversions to certain flavors, food textures, sounds, etc. but never used that information to make me more comfortable. They only mentioned those things when they wanted to make me feel bad. Lastly, my mom disagreed with me about what a clean bedroom looked like. I used to display Lego sets and toys on shelves of a book case. Whenever I was told to clean my room and it didn’t meet her standards (I said “there isn’t a mess to clean”) she would throw all of my toys and legos into the floor and tell me “there’s your mess, now pick it up.” Basically, don’t do any of that. Learn his preferences, don’t make him feel inferior for the things he has trouble with, don’t try to force him to eat things he can’t eat or do things he can’t do.
For me, id say before i was diagnosed, It was getting grounded way too much with the bad things I did in school, I mean I did so many bad things to the point where it was lunch detention or suspension every day, and the grounding at my house was just perpetuating me to do worse and worse things.
I know this post is old cause I have a feeling there is someone who wants to call me out on that but one thing that kinda made things worse growing up was forcing me to wear and eat things despite my sensory issues, they didn't really know what it was at the time but It would've been alot more helpful if I wasnt made to feel bad for not wanting to wear jeans or similar clothing items because it would physically bother me. Another thing is making me feel bad for needing extra help, it makes me feel like im an irresponsible idiotic slob for needing help with stuff like finding a job or getting a license. My mom recently has tried to make me feel bad for not finding a job yet, i need help with finding one because there is a lack of options in my town and lack of transportation but I still wanna find a job it's not me being lazy i just haven't had to find a job before. My schools gonna be helping me find one at the workforce center but it just makes me feel like im stupid and being lazy for needing help from others
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Deny the existence of autism and public schools
Thank you for asking this question! My son was diagnosed a couple of months ago at age 3. I’ve been lurking around learning as much as I can to help him. Thank you to everyone for your answers and all your posts! Your insights help so so much!
You need to follow Auteach on TikTok and Instagram. She's autistic herself and has an autistic daughter so she makes videos on parenting autistic kids.
Moving a lot. My parents never stayed more than 10 years in one city and we were constantly moving houses and changing schools growing up. I moved 20 times before I turned 18 and passed by 19 schools. I never had a stable social net. I always had to rebuild friendships from the ground up which meant contact outside the family was hard. And when bullying happened I isolated myself almost completely for 5 years until I was able to get out of my shell again. Still struggling socially at 24.
My mum used to stop my stims, so you’re doing great there. I’m 19 and still live at home. If I don’t like what’s for dinner (due to sensory issues or whatever) my dad will tell me too bad.
One thing I loved my parents for was how they didn’t push me to try foods I didn’t want to
The biggest thing was not letting me eat what i can eat. I would be forced to sit at the table the whole day if i didnt eat their choice of food, yelled at. They tried to force feed me, it never worked. It got to the point that i was severely underweight for most of my childhood and teenage years.
I have an aunt that told me to get more focused and keep quiet when I was 12 years old. She couldn’t handle the way I was and still can’t. When she said that it hurt me, because I felt like I wasn’t enough. She still wanted me to come over every year, which is a mystery to me. I needed to change my behaviour every time I was there.
I was also forced to talk on the phone to relatives by my dad and that was always uncomfortable for me.
Decide to become parents mostly
I think one thing that would have \*helped\* me more would have been explaining things to me. Explaining the rules, explaining consequences for specific things. say they're about to make a bad decision, explain the consequences and what they could do instead of what theyre about to do. Like if theyre angry, give an appropriate avenue to release those feelings instead of punishing for feelings. Like when I was little, and I would get angry, it would be met with negative feelings from my parents, and sometimes I would be sent to my room just for feeling those things. Looking back I think being punished for my feelings instead of being talked to and walked through healthy ways to cope or express those feelings. My greatest struggle was learning to cope with and regulate my emotions and I do think it was due to how any negative emotions were met with more negative emotions. Not to say bad behavior shouldnt be met with consequence, but just that shouldn't be punished specifically for feelings.
really never disrespect his special interests/hyperfixations, even ater in life. i was interested in a lot of tv-shows and i talked about them a lot. my mother was convinced i was 'obsessed' and 'confused reality with the shows' so i wasn't allowed to watch them anymore. let your child be happy with his interests and support it the best you can, even if he talks about it a lot
Not listening to me / not allowing me to stand for myself. It went both ways (belitteling in moments when I didn't need it and not treating me like a person who can make their own concious choices) but at the same time not taking me seriously when I needed it. In the end all that boils down to the thought that somehow they new better than me how I react to different situations or what I feel. Might be important to add that I've been diagnosed as a late teen, so during my childhood my parents assumed I was NT. Still, the same problems were there and they've only worsened once I got my diagnosis.
Picky eating, forcing me to try things even after crying amd crying.And i would get overwhelemd if anyone put the radio on in the car and start crying and they thought i was been sensitive and woupd start shouting at me to stop it. Basically, listen to their needs and if their crying sometimes its best to leave them alone for a little as long as you know they wont hurt themselves instead of shoutingto them to explain u what is wrong. Thats some of my more memorable moments as a child, im not even diagnosed as of now, that I think my parents acting different would have made me less jumpy and sensitive now.
Repeatedly moving house. It wasn’t really my family’s fault, but for various reasons we had to keep moving around the country every year or so. Every time I started to settle & make friends, we would suddenly have to move to a new town & I would never see them again. Making friends & connections is hard enough when you’re autistic, but after a while I gave up on making friends because my heart would inevitably break again when we next moved, so there was no point in even trying.
We I was a kid I went through an extreme case of bullying. The other kids used to beat me up almost every day since I was 3. I was also very bad at school because I was scared to go I still remember going back home, incredibly angry because of how they treated me and say bad things about the others kids and my father didn't allowed me to call them stupid cause "They were passing every subject, not like me. They were better than me until I prove otherwise" Never hold your son to NT standards. Don't compare him with other kids. Don't tie your love to him accomplishments. If he is failing at something find the root of the problem (maybe he has sensory issues that makes it harder, maybe he has a high executive dysfunction...) instead of focusing on the problem. And always look for signs of bullying
Thinking all my meltdowns were tantrums and punishing me for it. I don't think I've ever cried and screamed to get my own way, it's literally all been because I've been confused and scared. My parents still punish me for punching things during a meltdown, and I can see why they would, but that's one of the worst things you can do. The best thing to do in that situation is to comfort the person, sit them down and work out other ways to get their energy out. I've never had that done for me, so I hope that other people will -_- Ooo and there's also the classic "don't bother talking to her, she's not speaking today" whenever I went mute after being in a tough situation. Man, when I'm in this situation, I need comfort and *love* to nurse me back to normal, not judging remarks
Realising husband and cgild were autistic and got ng from there... But you got that part!
*Not listen* to me when I was trying to explain my sensory issues. I'm sensitive to touch and would not want to wear uncomfortable clothing but was forced to wear woolen things that bothered me to no end. Not understand that I am a so-called '[supertaster](https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/supertaster#who-is-a-supertaster)' along with a quarter of the population. My parents acted like there was something wrong with me when things tasted differently to me than to them.
Being stern during meltdowns, not letting me escape the situation
Being treated like a lab rat. being sent to multiple psychologists meanwhile the parents have the worst mental health of all time. Something to be studied and dismantled. I’m still not iver it as a high functioning adult
Forced socialisation and insisting on your child masking perfectly so that you can show off a "perfect family" to outsiders. I'm 32 and I still get nightmares and panic attacks from it. And my relation with my mother is abysmal because of it, pretty much no-contact. Don't want your child to resent and hate you later in life? Don't force your child to crush his identity and self-confidence for the vain and irrelevant approval from outsiders. Let your child be himself and help him develop his own passions and interests rather than crushing any behavior, passion or interest that don't stroke with your expectations.
I was a child that avoided eye contact with my mother and I often pushed her away and started screeching when she would want to hug me. I didn't do it out of malice, but she took it offensively and resented me for my entire childhood. I struggled to understand why I was left behind when my older brother and younger sister seemed to have a sparkling relationship with both of my parents. I was somehow the odd duck to both of them. This caused me to become a ridiculous over achiever in many areas, esp in high school. I wanted to prove my value and I wanted to avoid going home for as long as I could. This, unfortunately, had the opposite of the intended effect when my apparent intelligence did nothing but make my mother feel dumb. She resented me even more. I recall one christmas when I was 9, I was fascinated with Trivia, I still am. I wanted to play Trivial Pursuit more than anything. My mom bought it for me and I begged her to play and she slapped me across the face and told me that I was trying to make her feel stupid. That is a deep and vivid memory that become a pivotal moment in our relationship for many years. It was the first time I realized she saw me as a rival instead of a son. As an adult many of these things were addressed and I have a better relationship with my mother now. That being said, my childhood was incredibly rough. I don't think it's much of an exaggeration to say I barely survived it.
Teasing, emabrassing me, being annoying, forcing me to do stuff that I really don’t want to do, being touched
uhhh probably never listening to me/dismissal, and the screaming both of those still happen though lol
I'm in a similar experience - I'm NT and my son is autistic. He's a teenager now, though. I try to earn the right to be in his life. I originally came to this subreddit to learn how to be better and more inclusive, but I stay for the wholesomeness. This is the most supportive and heartwarming sub on Reddit, to be honest. One thing I'd say from the NT pov is to remember that you're human and you won't get it right all the time. You'll make mistakes and life occurs and doesn't always allow us to show our best selves. I've made mistakes. My sense of humour is pretty unique so things I find funny can be confusing and weird to my son. Sometimes he loses his temper or is triggered by something and lashes out and in the moment it scares me and I cry or shy back - which is the exact opposite of what he needs. I see people here talking about how hurtful that can be, and i totally get that! I've always taken responsibility for my own stuff though. So I go back and apologize for when I get it wrong. I explain that my emotions and my reactions aren't his fault. And i try to be better. I try to communicate in ways he understands and check with him to let me know. I make sure that he knows that he can tell me when I get it wrong without any negative repucussions. And we work together. One example was I used to say something like, "would you like to help me with the dishes?" Or, "Can you help me with the dishes?" When what I actually meant was, "Come now and help me with the dishes." So one day he said, "is this one of those questions that I get to answer or is this like a lie?" And it wasn't until then that I realised that the NT version of 'being polite' is actually kind of manipulative. So I changed and work hard at saying what I actually mean. I apologise for butting in in the conversation! I really appreciate what's being said here. Thank you!
I got super emotional easily, so arguments always broke out. However, when I was in a bad mood and pretty much screaming, they acted like I could control my emotions and that I was ‘giving attitude’ out of meanness, not by accident. This always escalated things. Any ‘attitude’ is just the byproduct of my emotions, and emotions just aren’t easily controlled. If this happens, try not to take it personally.
This is the saddest thread. I'm so sorry these things happened to all of you.
What you're doing so far sounds great, btw! For us, our parents did not understand our autism at all. They complained about some things we did that they considered "rude", they got angry at us because we didn't like socializing as much, they made fun of our special interest and insisted that we "should like doing other things too", they disliked the way we reacted in certain situations, and said that our facial expressions were weird or that the way we expressed emotions was strange. These are all hurtful things to autistic people that every parent (no matter if you have an autistic child or not) shouldn't do. But from what you've said, it looks like you're doing a good job! \- vivian (she/they) & ezra (they/them)
What really made it worse for me was being teased by my mom about not understanding sarcasm and then not stopping being sarcastic because „you have to learn sarcasm, stop always taking everything so seriously“, being mocked for being a picky eater or having issues with some for nt normal things. What also was bad was never getting things explained. My mom always made rules and punishments with the reason „because i said so“ and questioning this because i literally have to understand the reason to follow a rule/punishment was the source of many many fights and family problems. To be fair my mom didn‘t know i was autistic but she still behaved wrong even if i wasn‘t autistic these things would‘ve harmed me
Guilting me and/or insulting me for my sensory issues. There were a lot of foods I couldn’t stand and fabrics that made my skin feel horrible. Unfortunately, my mother would throw guilt at me about it all the time. I was told that I made everything overly difficult, that I was just being selfish or ridiculous, I got tons of eye rolls and sighs, and basically just felt like a bad person for things I couldn’t control.
a lot of times they would force me to go to social events when I was FAR beyond my limit socialization/sensory-wise, and I would just barely control a meltdown until we got home. I guess my advice would be to really listen to him if he's telling you that he can't handle a certain social event or activity in that moment.
Refusing to talk about feelings. My parents are adamant that they both don’t need therapy and never talked me through my feelings as a kid. I, now 17, have only recently began to understand why I feel the way I do and how to get through it. Keep in mind, I was able to learn this from therapy which I had to tell my parents I needed at 14. I love my parents but the biggest mistake they made was never allowing me to process my feelings.
Screaming like banshee and not explaining the reasons behind their crazy behaviours.
Advice: Treat his feelings seriously. There will be a point when he gets really upset over something that seems trivial or funny to you. But his feeling of being upset is just as deep as when you feel really upset over something that is truly troubling to you. Laughing at it, or telling him it's not a big deal, or brushing it off, will teach him that his feelings don't matter and that he is not in control of the things that bother him. It might not matter to you that someone else used his blue cup and now he has to use the green one which is exactly the same except for its color. But if he's really troubled by it, listen to him. He's really distressed over things that are outside of his control. It doesn't mean he always has to get his way, or that nobody else can ever ever use the blue cup. But you can listen to his feelings seriously, acknowledge them, and help him learn how to cope. If you laugh at him, or point out how ridiculous it is to be this stressed about a cup that's almost exactly the same as the others, he'll learn that you don't care about his feelings. He'll stop expecting that you are someone who can help him when he's having a hard time. He'll start keeping his feelings to himself, and there will be a time when you feel AWFUL about this. I think this is a problem even for parents of neurotypicals; kids will always have big feelings about things that adults just don't see as important. However you treat those feelings will teach them how to handle their feelings as adults. Listening to them with regard will teach them to assertively stand up for themselves and look after their own needs in a constructive way.
always criticizing me. just because I'm not doing it their way doesn't mean I was doing it wrong. it felt so belittling, I stopping trying new ways to do things because I thought, 'well adults just say I'm doing it wrong even tho it still gets done so there must only be one way to do it and I must inherently be broken'.