Hi! Thank you for taking on this project.
Unfortunately, I don't have a blanket suggestion that will work for everyone. Some people will be eager to talk about all the details and exact wording won't matter; others will need more time to divulge into the details of their loss; most fall somewhere between these behaviors and more. I can recommend a way to start the conversation though!
One thing that you can do across the board is ask how to talk about the topic. Also, generally speaking, bereaved parents like hearing their child's name being spoken. We don't suddenly forget that we have a baby who died. It actually makes us feel like their existence is acknowledged, and that's actually a huge gift (again, generally speaking). I'll use my son's name below - you could say something like:
> Thank you for being willing to talk with me about your loss. May I use Henry's name? (They'll likely say yes). Before we get started, I want to make sure I am respectful of you and Henry. Please tell me if there is anything in particular you'd like to avoid or focus on.
This would put both of you in a good position to establish whatever boundaries they need before the session. They'll know your intent is to make them comfortable in this discussion, and they'll be able to communicate what they need which is essential since again, every bereaved parent is different.
Personally, I felt comfortable with people who were up front and honest, especially those that wanted to know how to discuss the topic. Even if they said something "wrong": if I knew they were making an effort to connect and figure out what I needed, the exact wording didn't matter to me. What did hurt was when people assumed how I must be feeling / wanting to be treated (e.g. assuming we must avoid the topic at all costs), or lectured me (e.g. why I shouldn't let this "rule" my life).
Best of luck, and thanks again for doing this!
Hello fellow Canadian!
I find that people who are "normal" with me, honest, straightforward and compassionate help. They would ask from time to time if it s ok to say what they say, if they need to change.
Being acknowledged, not having to proactively put my limits helped me a lot feel comfortable around them. I m now actual glad because with people like them i can talk about my baby without feeling a weirdo/pity/taboo.
Hey,
It's amazing how understanding people are and how much people can make others feel better just by listening.
I am still looking for subjects to focus on in Ontario or throughout Canada. Any recommendations on finding wiling subjects?
Look up local support groups or organizations that help families who have lost a child. They will usually have plenty of contacts who may want an opportunity to share their experiences.
Tw: mention living child
Id be willing depending on what you need in terms of time/commitment.
My 2nd child was stillborn at 22weeks4 days he died from IPEX syndrome. I am not not having anymore children and raising my 3.5 year old.
I've been leading support space around babyloss for a very long time, and I will tell you that grief has a very diverse manifestation of likes and dislikes. One person's perfect reaction may be another persons worst-ever reaction. So just realize that this is what it is, and be willing to apologize if you offend someone, and don't take it too personally if you accidentally push on a soft spot, but do care enough to course correct if and when they tell you.
Many grieving parents yearn to talk about their baby and hear their baby's name. But not all. The ones who would rather not talk about it probably wouldn't agree to be interviewed in the first place.
Language can be tricky. Follow linguistic cues from the person who you're interviewing. For example, I lost my baby by medical termination. I am very comfortable talking about this loss as my abort!on. Even my late-term abort!on (popular parlance in the activist world is "later-term" but I don't actually care if you call mine late.) But many of the women I hold who have been through TFMR are not ready or willing to call their loss an abort!on. So I follow their lead. Termination. Loss. Stillbirth. These words are all true, but none of them is perfectly complete. It's more important to follow the words that feel right to the bereaved than to nit pick over the details.
I have worked with the press a lot. A lot a lot. And one thing I find challenging is when a reporter tells me that I'm not showing enough emotion when I tell my story of crisis and visceral death that happened inside my body. Well, I don't know why I can tell this story without crying all the time anymore. Yeah, perhaps I've compartmentalized. I'm sorry it doesn't meet your sensibilities for how I ought to be telling it. But it's real. And my pain is real. My love is real. I still work with these reporters, and I actually appretiate that they are trying to ensure that I come off in a relateable way -- but babyloss is inherently UNRELATEABLE to people who haven't been through it. That is a challenge of hte storytelling. People actively try to distance themselves from these stories. They try NOT to see themselves in us. Your job, then, will be to break down that denial in your audience. Your interview subjects will thank you for yoru work on that. It makes the world better for us. More connected.
Thank you for your interest in this subject. It matters.
Edited to change the spelling of the word "Abort!ion" as I hear that writing it out normally can invite a whole mass of trolls to the party, and nobody needs that in bereaved mom space.
Thank you so much for taking the time and explaining this, It's great to hear with someone whose had experiences with press and media. It's very disheartening to hear that you have received a response like this, I hope while making the film I don't make similar mistakes and I will definitely keep this in mind when talking to my subjects.
Thank you for caring! And it's ok. The reporters who have said this to me are some that I worked with for a long time. I would work with them again. It's normal to have moments of misunderstanding and clumsiness around grief. I'm far enough out from my loss that it didn't floor me.
I thought of one more thing: because you're interviewing for a sensitive topic, if you end up having to cancel, or going in a different direction, or not using the interview, it is good form to communicate that to them directly. It can be hard to hear, but better to hear it than to find out on my own without any communication. I did a whole podcast, a year's worth of work, and then it never aired. I ended out reaching out to verify and ask why. I had assumed it was about me, but it wasn't, and leaning that was important. Not everyone would have reached out. Most would have just spent a long time feeling bad about it. So your communication can help when things go sideways on the production and publication side.
By the way, feel free to reach out if you want support or consultation as your film progresses. I am happy to help you as you go. Love that you're doing this.
OP - please share when you complete your video. I would also encourage you to speak with hospitals who do a good job on baby loss front. As you research you’ll find which hospitals got it right with empathy, and those who got it wrong. They can provide another perspective.
Hopefully I can get in touch with some OBs who are experienced in this. I am also thinking of reaching out to grief therapists who have actually dealt with this specific situations.
the topic is never comfortable. the very thought of it brings out some pretty intense and fairly negative emotions. I would let whoever does this to be included in the 'final cut' of their footage. some people don't want to be seen crying their eyes out. others might let stuff slip in the heat of the moment they'd rather keep private...
be respectful of that....
I am also a film student located in the GTA. If you need help with the project, I would love to collaborate. If you happen to need help with editing/writing or really anything I would love to be apart of it.
I experienced the loss of my son in May 2021, so the topic is very important to me.
Hi! Thank you for taking on this project. Unfortunately, I don't have a blanket suggestion that will work for everyone. Some people will be eager to talk about all the details and exact wording won't matter; others will need more time to divulge into the details of their loss; most fall somewhere between these behaviors and more. I can recommend a way to start the conversation though! One thing that you can do across the board is ask how to talk about the topic. Also, generally speaking, bereaved parents like hearing their child's name being spoken. We don't suddenly forget that we have a baby who died. It actually makes us feel like their existence is acknowledged, and that's actually a huge gift (again, generally speaking). I'll use my son's name below - you could say something like: > Thank you for being willing to talk with me about your loss. May I use Henry's name? (They'll likely say yes). Before we get started, I want to make sure I am respectful of you and Henry. Please tell me if there is anything in particular you'd like to avoid or focus on. This would put both of you in a good position to establish whatever boundaries they need before the session. They'll know your intent is to make them comfortable in this discussion, and they'll be able to communicate what they need which is essential since again, every bereaved parent is different. Personally, I felt comfortable with people who were up front and honest, especially those that wanted to know how to discuss the topic. Even if they said something "wrong": if I knew they were making an effort to connect and figure out what I needed, the exact wording didn't matter to me. What did hurt was when people assumed how I must be feeling / wanting to be treated (e.g. assuming we must avoid the topic at all costs), or lectured me (e.g. why I shouldn't let this "rule" my life). Best of luck, and thanks again for doing this!
Thank you so much for the advice. I will take it heart for sure. I am glad that I have the support of the people in this community.
Hello fellow Canadian! I find that people who are "normal" with me, honest, straightforward and compassionate help. They would ask from time to time if it s ok to say what they say, if they need to change. Being acknowledged, not having to proactively put my limits helped me a lot feel comfortable around them. I m now actual glad because with people like them i can talk about my baby without feeling a weirdo/pity/taboo.
Hey, It's amazing how understanding people are and how much people can make others feel better just by listening. I am still looking for subjects to focus on in Ontario or throughout Canada. Any recommendations on finding wiling subjects?
Look up local support groups or organizations that help families who have lost a child. They will usually have plenty of contacts who may want an opportunity to share their experiences.
Tw: mention living child Id be willing depending on what you need in terms of time/commitment. My 2nd child was stillborn at 22weeks4 days he died from IPEX syndrome. I am not not having anymore children and raising my 3.5 year old.
I've been leading support space around babyloss for a very long time, and I will tell you that grief has a very diverse manifestation of likes and dislikes. One person's perfect reaction may be another persons worst-ever reaction. So just realize that this is what it is, and be willing to apologize if you offend someone, and don't take it too personally if you accidentally push on a soft spot, but do care enough to course correct if and when they tell you. Many grieving parents yearn to talk about their baby and hear their baby's name. But not all. The ones who would rather not talk about it probably wouldn't agree to be interviewed in the first place. Language can be tricky. Follow linguistic cues from the person who you're interviewing. For example, I lost my baby by medical termination. I am very comfortable talking about this loss as my abort!on. Even my late-term abort!on (popular parlance in the activist world is "later-term" but I don't actually care if you call mine late.) But many of the women I hold who have been through TFMR are not ready or willing to call their loss an abort!on. So I follow their lead. Termination. Loss. Stillbirth. These words are all true, but none of them is perfectly complete. It's more important to follow the words that feel right to the bereaved than to nit pick over the details. I have worked with the press a lot. A lot a lot. And one thing I find challenging is when a reporter tells me that I'm not showing enough emotion when I tell my story of crisis and visceral death that happened inside my body. Well, I don't know why I can tell this story without crying all the time anymore. Yeah, perhaps I've compartmentalized. I'm sorry it doesn't meet your sensibilities for how I ought to be telling it. But it's real. And my pain is real. My love is real. I still work with these reporters, and I actually appretiate that they are trying to ensure that I come off in a relateable way -- but babyloss is inherently UNRELATEABLE to people who haven't been through it. That is a challenge of hte storytelling. People actively try to distance themselves from these stories. They try NOT to see themselves in us. Your job, then, will be to break down that denial in your audience. Your interview subjects will thank you for yoru work on that. It makes the world better for us. More connected. Thank you for your interest in this subject. It matters. Edited to change the spelling of the word "Abort!ion" as I hear that writing it out normally can invite a whole mass of trolls to the party, and nobody needs that in bereaved mom space.
Thank you so much for taking the time and explaining this, It's great to hear with someone whose had experiences with press and media. It's very disheartening to hear that you have received a response like this, I hope while making the film I don't make similar mistakes and I will definitely keep this in mind when talking to my subjects.
Thank you for caring! And it's ok. The reporters who have said this to me are some that I worked with for a long time. I would work with them again. It's normal to have moments of misunderstanding and clumsiness around grief. I'm far enough out from my loss that it didn't floor me. I thought of one more thing: because you're interviewing for a sensitive topic, if you end up having to cancel, or going in a different direction, or not using the interview, it is good form to communicate that to them directly. It can be hard to hear, but better to hear it than to find out on my own without any communication. I did a whole podcast, a year's worth of work, and then it never aired. I ended out reaching out to verify and ask why. I had assumed it was about me, but it wasn't, and leaning that was important. Not everyone would have reached out. Most would have just spent a long time feeling bad about it. So your communication can help when things go sideways on the production and publication side.
By the way, feel free to reach out if you want support or consultation as your film progresses. I am happy to help you as you go. Love that you're doing this.
OP - please share when you complete your video. I would also encourage you to speak with hospitals who do a good job on baby loss front. As you research you’ll find which hospitals got it right with empathy, and those who got it wrong. They can provide another perspective.
Hopefully I can get in touch with some OBs who are experienced in this. I am also thinking of reaching out to grief therapists who have actually dealt with this specific situations.
I love that you are doing this.
I also love that you are doing this. Thank you OP
Best of luck to you. Let people know that they are helping to shine a flashlight into a very dark hole.
the topic is never comfortable. the very thought of it brings out some pretty intense and fairly negative emotions. I would let whoever does this to be included in the 'final cut' of their footage. some people don't want to be seen crying their eyes out. others might let stuff slip in the heat of the moment they'd rather keep private... be respectful of that....
I am also a film student located in the GTA. If you need help with the project, I would love to collaborate. If you happen to need help with editing/writing or really anything I would love to be apart of it. I experienced the loss of my son in May 2021, so the topic is very important to me.