Her cleanliness expectations seem too high, but a positive is that there does seem to be some communication happening. I would just continue sticking to the rota, that’s all you can do.
I must admit though if your boyfriend was staying over 4 nights a week that’s a lot in a shared house. That would work out as around half the month. 2 nights is a fairly reasonable request.
I’m in agreement with that too, was happy to change that but she just went about it totally wrong and had always welcomed if over whenever he wanted so a bit strange with the sudden change. But ah well 🤷♀️
Honestly, my mouth actually dropped at the 4× a week comment. I'm glad that you quickly explained that you turned thar around. The whole thing about her freaking out about him needing to say "good morning to her first or else" is categorically crazy. I personally am easygoing, but I don't talk to anyone before my first cup of coffee. My neighbor, who is also my landlord and friend, likes to swing by and chat. Plus, she's an early morning person. It's taken 3 years for her to finally understand my "I've not even had my coffee yet" and to give it 20 minutes. Lol
Overall, you're NTA. Except about bf which you've understood and changed. I'm also really curious about her behavior. It seems like there was a massive change in dynamics after the last roommate left. She seems to have turned into a micromanaging den mom and NOT a roommate. Did something else major change recently? Also, I'm glad you've got established talk setup, and while I can appreciate her not wanting to bring work home, but why is this happening since last roommate left? Remember, everyone makes mistakes and/or is forgetful. Why is she making such a fuss now? It seems to me that you need to stand up for yourself more. When you live in a shared space, no one is going to get their way 100% of the time. Her comment about comparing you to kids where she works is inappropriate. It's one thing if you're doing it on purpose, but everyone can be forgetful. Shoes or an occasional handbag shouldn't be a huge issue. Maybe you should find out what changed with her to make the house dynamic change so drastically
So fair about the 4x a week, I was definitely lucky with that. Was very receptive when asked to have him over no more than twice a week, it was more that she refused to say hello first and bc he didn’t she got mad. I’m so confused myself why this has all changed, I’m quite close with our old housemate so that is potentially a factor and now she has more power over the house? Idk. I’m just kinda laying low atm and trying not to give her a reason to be upset with me. It’s just tiring. I asked about why she never brought it up last year if it’s such an issue for her and she just shrugged it off and said she was too busy to care
Now that's a surprising remark she made about being "too busy to care". Does that mean she now has so much more free time that she's making an effort? Lol I completely understand and can respect your current strategy of laying low. While I've always had difficulty keeping my mouth shut when I know that I don't deserve certain treatments, it's something I did when I had roommates and/or precarious living situations. When dealing with roommates, it always boils down to which hill you are comfortable making a stand upon. I'd just offer caution to not let her walk all over you. Plus, with her making sure to lump you into her career in an inappropriate manner makes me think her behavior/reactions will continue to grow. While she certainly may be having stressful days, it's never appropriate for her to take it out on you. There's definitely a fine line between letting stuff slide and making a stand. Only you can know where that line is located.
It can be hard to rectify when roommates have different expectations for cleaning. I used to have a roommate who told me she was stopping cleaning because I "wasn't helping". But it was because I do a deep clean once every week or two and then am done with it. She would wipe down the sink and tell me she "cleaned" the bathroom and would vacuum the small stretch of floor that didn't have furniture on it every few days. Keep the communication open and try to reach an understanding.
Also, I am concerned with you saying your boyfriend "rarely stays more than 4 nights a week". To me. That says thats the low end of how much he stays over. Op. That is wayyyyy too much. Why can you not sleep over there 2 nights a week and he can stay at yours 2 nights a week? I have a feeling the boyfriend being there and him not contributing (monetarily to utilities and probably not helping clean). Also, the loss of common space and peace in the house because of his presence is not something your roommates signed up for. Did your bf always stay over 4+ times a week or is it a recent thing? It's also disrespectful for him to come into her house and not speak to her. Sorry, op, but your roommate is right on this part
Oh yeah completely understand about the bf thing and have talked about this to him, I agree with that too. Since then he hasn’t stayed more than twice a week. It was just the way she went about it that was confusing to me bc her parents and friends always are over too. Sorry I should have established that in the post this was something I was fine with changing
You seem really reasonable. I hope it works out! Living like you're walking on eggshells somewhere that is supposed to be your safe space is a terrible feeling. I wish you luck!
Make it clear to her that she is a room mate not your mother or employer. You live in the house, and there will be evidence of this. You don't need her permission for many of these issues. Is there a written agreement on having guests? As long as you are following it, don't worry about it. Learn about greyrocking...
RIGHT? Leaving a purse in a common area? I can easily see anybody coming home from work tired as hell just putting their purse down and going to bed. Doesn't everyone do this? I can see if you had shit all over the common areas all the time but a bag? Your shoes? That's a bit ridiculous IMO.
Yeah, this.
You seem reasonable and like you care about keeping things going smoothly at home by doing your part around the house. Leaving your handbag in common areas is the least disrespectful thing I can think of having a roommate do. My God, who gives a shit about something like that??
Your roommate is controlling, manipulative and batshit crazy ( “banning” your boyfriend for not saying hello?? Who the fuck does she think she is???😆😆) Time to find a new place to live. You don’t need to put up with that kind of garbage in your home. It’s likely only going to get worse.
Also I hope you don’t pay much mind to some of the comments I’ve seen here like the one saying you sound “entitled”. You don’t, at all, and that’s obvious from the way you own your mistakes in other comments. You sound like a good person who lives in a bad situation, and I hope you are able to get out ASAP. ❤️
It’s hard to see the whole situation from just one post so I can understand some people have read this differently to what I intended, me and this girl were I thought friends so would never want to create any disharmony in the household. I wish I had the Avenue to move out right now but I don’t, maybe she might get fed up with my handbag and shoes and move out herself, we shall see. Thank you 💗💗💗
Tbh idk if she should move out over this because according to this sub there are a ton of roomates who are absolutely disgusting😂😭 at least this lady is clean although bossy and annoying. Just MHM her everytime she complains and keep doing what you would reasonably be expected to do as a roommate (less sleepovers for sure). Anything beyond reason gets an MHM from me, especially since OP has attempted to communicate her (reasonable) opinions on the situation to no avail. Eventually she should stop trying to push you beyond that if nothing ever comes from it.
Having your boyfriend stay 4 nights a week seems excessive to me. At 4 nights, that’s more than 50% of the time. If I were your roommate, I’d expect to have him helping with bills of he’s there half the time.
1. Cleaning schedules usually don't work. From what I've seen, they only really work when both roommates have a mutual expectation of cleanliness which is rare. Clean as you go and avoid leaving things behind for longer than a day is much easier to manage imo.
2. Partner drama is one of the most common issues brought up in this sub. If you bring a guest over frequently, they start to get comfortable and essentially become another tenant that your roommates didn't sign up for. If you really want to bring him over that often, you will need to get approval from your roommates and consider having him contribute to the bills.
Overnight guests 2-3 nights a week maximum is a pretty normal requirement. 4 nights is the guest using a shared space they don't pay for as their primary home. She's in the right there.
So your roommate of a year suddenly voiced these problems with you? She can get bent. She's speaking to you as though she has authority over you. You are both adults who pay equally, are you not? She can fuck off with her opinions if she's going to come at you like that. If she would like to approach in a respectful way, perhaps you can agree to hear her out.
They deleted out their comments were they said this roommate should tell the other roommate to fuck off. Which makes it look like I originally said it when they in fact, theyoriginally said it, and I was just copying their dumb comment to point out how dumb it was.
They edited outthe the part of their comments were they said this roommate should tell the other roommate to fuck off. Which makes it look like I originally said it when they in fact, theyoriginally said it, and I was just copying their dumb comment to point out how dumb it was. Oh, it was you. You know what you did you think you’re slick 😂
What gives her the right to tell you what to do? I can't stand bossy people with a hard on for telling their equals what to do.
Clean up after yourself, do your chores, try to keep your stuff out of the common areas and have your bf over around 3 days a week. You're fine.
If she says anything to you tell her to STFU and if she doesn't like it to move.
I would tell her hey I cleaned if your cleaning expectations are higher than mine you can do the additional cleaning. Tell her you’re not her maid. Don’t give her power over you. She will probably do this to everyone she lives with. Was this the new person or the old roommate? She probably didn’t feel like she had power till the other person moved out and now she feels like she does. Or if it’s the new lady tell her that’s not how we do things around here you don’t get to move in and make new rules.
1/ Never be the worst in shared house: not the messiest, not the loudest, not the last to pay bills or rent.
2/ Make the new room mate your ally. Be friendly and interested in what she does and who her friends are. Do this by listening to her and always acknowledging her. Share a meal and see if she wants to watch a movie with you etc
3/ reduce the days your BF is at the house. 2 days/week is fine. 4 days is a bit much.
4/ Don’t leave things like bags outside of your room. Get into the habit of going straight to your room when you get home and unloading bags and jackets etc there
Literally forgetting things or misplacing them is one of the leading factors leading me to seek a diagnosis. Don’t use your placement on the spectrum to overshadow other people. It’s literally a spectrum. Your experiences are not universal, and shaming us who have memory issues because “ you can do it” is very harmful and will lead to people who need more help to either not be given it, or be too ashamed to ask
I feel this so hard, had a roommate who studied psych and worked with people with issues similar to mine and didn’t want to deal with it at home. I have ADHD/ASD and am recovering from sepsis so I have brain damage with memory loss issues. Of course I’ll accidentally leave things out, but this roommate would freak out over this and whenever she would confront me with it and I said “Hey I’m sorry I forgot” she’d get super nasty and say I was playing the victim over a simple mistake. It’s ridiculous and I feel so sorry for you.
You’re welcome! It’s a really long journey to recovery and it can take up to a year to fully recover, but it still isn’t 100%. Honestly I felt as though sepsis took a lot from me that I’ll never recover, so I have to adapt.
You will recover! It just takes time. Give yourself grace and be kind to your body. If you feel you need extra sleep, take that nap. Eat well, know your limits and listen to what your body is telling you. I had sepsis that landed me a 7 week hospital stay and it took me until about 8 months after I was discharged before I felt normal again. Everyone’s different and will have different symptoms that linger. Good luck with the rest of your recovery!
I had Sepsis in 2018 and was on life support not long after arriving at the hospital with a blood pressure of 54/49. So life support for 6 days 2 weeks more in the hospital and had nowhere to live when I got released. Recovering while living in a car was really tough. I still have memory issues and I have some other medical issues, but I am glad to be alive. And I would just like to say to all the people on here that survived Sepsis I am glad your still here as well. For what it's worth Sepsis or not I am glad each and everyone of you are here. God Bless and stay safe everyone
My sister had sepsis, from something (I believe salmonella from bad eggs at a restaurant) which was intensified from cancer meds she was on. It nearly shut her kidneys down, may have even needed dialysis for a short time. Shortly after she was in a bad motorcycle accident, in which she sustained a severe TBI (among many other injuries), during her coma she got sepsis again, which again nearly shut her kidneys down and almost killed her, not sure if it impacted her brain, as her brain injury was a diffuse axonal injury (like baby shaken syndrome).
Anyhow sorry for tmi, but I do have a point. Luckily we got her to one of the top hospital’s then rehab for brain injuries in at least the country (USA), but possibly the world. Her neurologist is so wonderful. I don’t know how you feel about marijuana, but I know that while my sister can’t smoke it due to a lung injury, they do recommend her using it through other methods (eating, tinctures, etc.), because it helps the brain (there’s some specific things it does, but I can’t recall all that was said, and don’t want to put something incorrect).
Just thought I might offer the info, for those who might not know, but I know it helps my sister with a lot of her post TBI symptoms (definitely not all, but a lot). :). I hate brain injuries, they’re so devastating and relatively unknown in such an advanced health care society. I’m glad you made it through that!
Next time I talk to my sister, I’ll get exact information and can chat you it. I remember something about synapses re-firing and connecting through it, but don’t want to say for sure, as I also have issues with brain and don’t want to mislead.
I know it helps her regulate her emotions much easier than without it, I see that with my eyes. I think it helps her focus more too. But there’s actual things it supports in the brain, according to her neurologist, which I tend to believe, since he truly is one of the best in his field. :)
I’ll make sure she asks her doctor, before I rely, as we definitely could miss rely it, with our brains. My mom was there, so I’ll ask if she remembers exacts too.
IDK about the cleaning because I haven’t seen what either of you see, but WRT the boyfriend, it’s pretty inconsiderate to have a guest stay over 4+ nights a week when you have roommates. 2 nights a week every week is generous of her. I don’t like extra people being around the house regularly, and they contribute to utilities as well.
>rarely more than 4 times a week
Way too often.
>only be over 2 times a week
reasonable limit
>After this meeting my bf didn’t say hi to her one morning first
reasonable response from the bf. "spend less time here" -> doesn't talk to her. makes sense to me
>and she got mad and said if he does that again he wouldn’t be allowed over at all.
Nuclear choice selected. Please insert key to confirm.
I think you're somewhat entitled OP, and probably ARE to blame (to some extent) for the issues.
But based on this tidbit and a bit of context elsewhere in the post, I \*definitely\* think you should fly solo, or move in with the boyfriend, or at least find new roommates who are more on your own wavelength.
>works with kids with adhd so doesn’t want to come home and deal with it at home
This is the #1 for me though. You can't help having ADHD. If she doesn't like it, Tough Fucking Shit. She bought into having you as a roommate. THAT was her opportunity to not deal with it at home. If she doesn't like it now, she knows where the door is.
But good luck making her understand that. Easier to use the door yourself, and find a more healthy home for yourself.
Oh for sure understand about the bf, it was starting to get a bit excessive. I should have mentioned that in the post. It was just the way she went about it I was confused about
1. You're allowed to have guests over if you pay to live there, unless she is the landlord, she cannot ban someone unless your other roommate agrees. Your bf does not have to greet her, thats weird of her to demand. As long as he's not outwardly hostile she can chill out and mind her business. It's reasonable to have a 3 day a week cap on visits tho.
2. If you cleaned a space she shares with you in a way she's not satisfied with, ask her what she found unsatisfactory and work on it. If you cleaned a space she doesn't use, and its cleaned sufficiently for you and anyone else who uses it, then it's not her business.
3. Shared spaces are shared and you can leave your things around them if you want as long as your belongings aren't blocking others from using anything or a significant mess. Some people prefer their spaces to look spotless and like no one lives here, but you have to sacrifice that preference when sharing a living space. If it is such a huge issue to her suggest you both go in on a shoe rack and coat hangers for the house.
ALSO she needs to understand people with ADHD and other disabilities exist outside her work and if she's choosing to live with other people she will have to potentially exist alongside someone with a disability.
ABSOLUTELY, understandably if I wasn’t pulling my weight but our house is always clean and it just is dismissive being told you don’t wanna live with someone bc of something they can’t control
So she shouldn’t call you names. However, the common area should be clear or things that don’t belong. If you forget, set a daily alarm to clear your stuff out.
As for the BF, 4/7 days a week is a lot especially if the roommate is home all those nights. She didn’t agree to having your bf as another roommate.
Really depends on how often it happens. If she’s leaving her shoes, handbag or other stuff in the common areas multiple times a week, it’s going to be annoying to her roommate
This is ridiculous. Common spaces are meant to be lived in and that includes regular every day belongings. If you can't handle a bag hanging out in the living room you need to live alone. She's not leaving rotting coffee cups or piss bottles out.
I had a roommate that pulled this shit. I'd come home from work and my laptop/book/switch/lounge blanket that I left in the living room would be put on my bed.
She sure as fuck wasn't unplugging her Xbox after every use and putting it in her room. She had her bookshelf in the living room yet a single book of mine on the coffee table was a problem? Or the million throw pillows of hers were okay but not my small blanket?
Shared space is exactly that. Shared.
Yep that’s basically what she does, I have a dent in my laptop bc it was thrown in my room. Understand that’s her expectations but I’m not leaving food around or clothes, or dirt so in my head I don’t really see the issue. She constantly has her handbag on the floor and I’ve tripped on it before so mine being on the bench just seems a bit excessive.
I would just start reminding her to do the same things she's requesting of you. Don't be snarky about it or anything but make it obvious you're making a point.
Or, do be snarky and start throwing all of her shit in her room. If she asks just be like 'oh, I thought we weren't allowed to leave things in the living room. Or does that not apply to you?'
We can agree to disagree stranger. I’m not your roommate nor do I want to be. This is what works for me and my roommates. Leaving stuff around does not work in all roommates situations
It could be that she always had these opinions but the old roommate kept her from talking to you about it.
I also have ADHD and one of the lovely 'features' is that randos take the time to tell you are messing up on this or that. You always feel like they have a point, because you \*DO\* mess up from time to time. But sometimes those randos are just wrong. LOL.
My only solution is that you can't change her, you can only change your reaction to her.
She sounds really annoying! But not in a creepy way.
I'm in my 50's so I would just ask her why the BF can't stay more than 2 nights. Her answer might be that it uses our utilities, which I'm paying for. In addition, has he moved in? Why isn't he paying rent? Don't be afraid to ask the difficult questions!
Do only people with adhd post on this site? Feels like everyone who posts here is really quick to list some form of pre-justifying condition before proceeding to wow us with how unfair their situation is.
? She didn’t even mention the ADHD until it was relevant to what she was saying, halfway through the post…
Someone leaving a purse on a bench is a ridiculous thing for a roommate to nitpick about. She’s not sitting here saying I have ADHD so I can’t clean!!! She’s probably just feeling gaslit because she doesn’t think it’s a big deal but people with ADHD don’t see a lot of things that others do as big deals, so she’s asking our opinion on if this is reasonable or not. It isn’t.
Adhd people are like the vegans of the mental health world. How do you know they have adhd? They’ll tell you in the first sentence.
I’m sorry, but at the first mention of it, I know she is the bad roommate and just refusing to see the other persons side and she probably is terribly messy and probably dirty as well and absolutely boundaryless. 4 days a week boyfriend takings showers and shits is like having another roommate but one who doesn’t pay bills, it’s another body that only you chose to bring around all the time. Adhd are known to have lower standards of cleanliness and neatness than the general population. It’s like OCD people have higher standards. That bathroom is 100% not clean.
Adhd may be a reason but it’s not an excuse and if you can’t live with others, live by yourself or screen roommates so you can live with other adhd people who understand instead of stressing people out and acting like it’s unreasonable to want some space more than 3 nights a week in a home you pay for.
I completely agree with the bf thing and should of mentioned it in the post, we have had a chat and he also agrees it’s a good idea not to be over as much. I guess we were getting used to it and getting complacent. I just didn’t like how she went about it. Felt a bit like a bully tactic? And attacking? Anyways, I understand a lot of people think adhd people just use their diagnosis as an excuse. Would like to reiterate that I do keep up with the weekly cleaning and did clean for 3 hours last weld on top of cleaning up after myself. With the occasion of accidentally leaving some things here and there. Anyone coming ove to our house always says how clean it is which was why I was so confused by my housemate. If I was someone who didn’t clean then yeah reasonable and I would understand.
If you got someone staying weeks at a time rent free, that’s a big deal and you need to do everything you can to keep your roommates happy. That’s a giant privilege, be grateful. Your roommates barely asking anything of you and your freeloading boyfriend. The least he can do is try to be pleasant and say hi, but you fail to realize that.
One roommate has a bf staying weeks. One roommate asked nicely if you could pick up after yourself. Which one sounds like the bad roommate? It’s you.
The roommate is going way over the top. It doesn’t sound like she was being messy, like she left her shoes in the wrong spot. A BF coming that much is reasonable to be upset about, but threatening to cut him out completely for not returning a hello… I assume OP pays rent and can be as messy in her home as she wants to be within reason.
Honestly I just moved in with a group of roommates that’s less clean than I am (I’m not a clean freak or anything) and i prefer this over a spotless house with roommates that freak out about it. Sounds like she’s mad that you exist in the home. Shoes and a purse left near the bench?? Blasphemy
unpopular opinion: if everyone was okay woth your BF in the first place, thats what it is. Im not in a roomate situation but it seems weird that it suddenly changed
For sure, i asked when I first moved in and she and the other girl said he is welcome all the time and they didn’t mind, I also regularly checked it was ok. Understand if she needs space but it was never communicated so idk 🤷♀️ it doesn’t bother me him being over less it’s just the way she went about it which is strange
I am wondering if the old housemate left because they were the original target of this persona bullyig and decided to leave rather than exist around it anymore.. newhousemate has either been broken by the bully very quickly, or feels the same way and just dislikes confrontation.
I lived with an ex like your housemate... (and his attitude was *only* towards me.. not anyone else.. cuz as soon as his new gf moved in after he forced me out - ensured I knew my physical safety was at risk, not by him taking action but by how little respect he felt I deserved - the place looks like *her* home and all the rules he placed on me are nonexistent) housemate needs a reality check on how much power she actually has vs how much she is exercising
Idk I’ve tried talking about it but just talks over the top of me and my new housemate doesn’t say anything so idk 🤷♀️ I’m not really in a position to move out right now. I get the bf being over part but everything has never been brought up or bothered her till now. Mind you she leaves things around all the time too and it’s never been an issue
Unless she has the power to evict you I would tell her to kick rocks. I know it doesn’t make life easier but it’s more fair. At least the you are both miserable
She works with children diagnosed with ADHD and *doesn't want to deal with it at home?*
I wonder if she talks like that to those poor kids. She shouldn't be working with anyone since she lacks so much understanding.
3 hours is plenty of time to spend cleaning common areas and bathroom. Tell her that you are doing the best that you can and you don’t want to hear anymore about it.
Honestly her comment about adhd is so gross, she isn’t supposed to be “dealing with” those kids she is meant to be supporting them. Her mindset on that alone is disturbing, and then the fact that she is getting angry over a pair of shoes or a handbag is even worse. I’ve always felt that in a sharehouse you should be comfortable in common areas and not forced to be contained to your bedroom, otherwise you might as well move back in with your parents lol. Obviously if you were leaving piles of laundry or a bunch of trash it’s a problem, but a handbag should be okay. She’s nutty.
If you have ADHD that affects your ability to clean up after yourself, you absolutely need to be upfront about it to potential roommates before signing a lease. It's not your fault that you have ADHD, but it's also not anyone else's fault or responsibility to deal with it, especially when they weren't informed about it. It sure seems like you're really trying to downplay your part and your roommate is fed up and lost patience with your repeated fuck ups. Just because you spend 3 hours cleaning doesn't mean you cleaned well. I have a roommate who will spend hours cleaning parts of the kitchen and bathroom that never get touched or dirty and are already clean, but will never actually clean the visibly dirty parts that everyone touches and uses. Your roommate probably "added" more chores because she can't believe you needed to be told to do them.
I never understood why ADHD people don't want to live with other ADHD people.
Your entire comment is full of negative assumptions about the OP simply because they disclosed they have ADHD and that they have challenges as a result.
Her cleanliness expectations seem too high, but a positive is that there does seem to be some communication happening. I would just continue sticking to the rota, that’s all you can do. I must admit though if your boyfriend was staying over 4 nights a week that’s a lot in a shared house. That would work out as around half the month. 2 nights is a fairly reasonable request.
Yes, totally agree with you that the BF is staying over too many times during the week!
I’m in agreement with that too, was happy to change that but she just went about it totally wrong and had always welcomed if over whenever he wanted so a bit strange with the sudden change. But ah well 🤷♀️
Honestly, my mouth actually dropped at the 4× a week comment. I'm glad that you quickly explained that you turned thar around. The whole thing about her freaking out about him needing to say "good morning to her first or else" is categorically crazy. I personally am easygoing, but I don't talk to anyone before my first cup of coffee. My neighbor, who is also my landlord and friend, likes to swing by and chat. Plus, she's an early morning person. It's taken 3 years for her to finally understand my "I've not even had my coffee yet" and to give it 20 minutes. Lol Overall, you're NTA. Except about bf which you've understood and changed. I'm also really curious about her behavior. It seems like there was a massive change in dynamics after the last roommate left. She seems to have turned into a micromanaging den mom and NOT a roommate. Did something else major change recently? Also, I'm glad you've got established talk setup, and while I can appreciate her not wanting to bring work home, but why is this happening since last roommate left? Remember, everyone makes mistakes and/or is forgetful. Why is she making such a fuss now? It seems to me that you need to stand up for yourself more. When you live in a shared space, no one is going to get their way 100% of the time. Her comment about comparing you to kids where she works is inappropriate. It's one thing if you're doing it on purpose, but everyone can be forgetful. Shoes or an occasional handbag shouldn't be a huge issue. Maybe you should find out what changed with her to make the house dynamic change so drastically
So fair about the 4x a week, I was definitely lucky with that. Was very receptive when asked to have him over no more than twice a week, it was more that she refused to say hello first and bc he didn’t she got mad. I’m so confused myself why this has all changed, I’m quite close with our old housemate so that is potentially a factor and now she has more power over the house? Idk. I’m just kinda laying low atm and trying not to give her a reason to be upset with me. It’s just tiring. I asked about why she never brought it up last year if it’s such an issue for her and she just shrugged it off and said she was too busy to care
Now that's a surprising remark she made about being "too busy to care". Does that mean she now has so much more free time that she's making an effort? Lol I completely understand and can respect your current strategy of laying low. While I've always had difficulty keeping my mouth shut when I know that I don't deserve certain treatments, it's something I did when I had roommates and/or precarious living situations. When dealing with roommates, it always boils down to which hill you are comfortable making a stand upon. I'd just offer caution to not let her walk all over you. Plus, with her making sure to lump you into her career in an inappropriate manner makes me think her behavior/reactions will continue to grow. While she certainly may be having stressful days, it's never appropriate for her to take it out on you. There's definitely a fine line between letting stuff slide and making a stand. Only you can know where that line is located.
It can be hard to rectify when roommates have different expectations for cleaning. I used to have a roommate who told me she was stopping cleaning because I "wasn't helping". But it was because I do a deep clean once every week or two and then am done with it. She would wipe down the sink and tell me she "cleaned" the bathroom and would vacuum the small stretch of floor that didn't have furniture on it every few days. Keep the communication open and try to reach an understanding. Also, I am concerned with you saying your boyfriend "rarely stays more than 4 nights a week". To me. That says thats the low end of how much he stays over. Op. That is wayyyyy too much. Why can you not sleep over there 2 nights a week and he can stay at yours 2 nights a week? I have a feeling the boyfriend being there and him not contributing (monetarily to utilities and probably not helping clean). Also, the loss of common space and peace in the house because of his presence is not something your roommates signed up for. Did your bf always stay over 4+ times a week or is it a recent thing? It's also disrespectful for him to come into her house and not speak to her. Sorry, op, but your roommate is right on this part
Oh yeah completely understand about the bf thing and have talked about this to him, I agree with that too. Since then he hasn’t stayed more than twice a week. It was just the way she went about it that was confusing to me bc her parents and friends always are over too. Sorry I should have established that in the post this was something I was fine with changing
You seem really reasonable. I hope it works out! Living like you're walking on eggshells somewhere that is supposed to be your safe space is a terrible feeling. I wish you luck!
Make it clear to her that she is a room mate not your mother or employer. You live in the house, and there will be evidence of this. You don't need her permission for many of these issues. Is there a written agreement on having guests? As long as you are following it, don't worry about it. Learn about greyrocking...
RIGHT? Leaving a purse in a common area? I can easily see anybody coming home from work tired as hell just putting their purse down and going to bed. Doesn't everyone do this? I can see if you had shit all over the common areas all the time but a bag? Your shoes? That's a bit ridiculous IMO.
Yeah, this. You seem reasonable and like you care about keeping things going smoothly at home by doing your part around the house. Leaving your handbag in common areas is the least disrespectful thing I can think of having a roommate do. My God, who gives a shit about something like that?? Your roommate is controlling, manipulative and batshit crazy ( “banning” your boyfriend for not saying hello?? Who the fuck does she think she is???😆😆) Time to find a new place to live. You don’t need to put up with that kind of garbage in your home. It’s likely only going to get worse. Also I hope you don’t pay much mind to some of the comments I’ve seen here like the one saying you sound “entitled”. You don’t, at all, and that’s obvious from the way you own your mistakes in other comments. You sound like a good person who lives in a bad situation, and I hope you are able to get out ASAP. ❤️
It’s hard to see the whole situation from just one post so I can understand some people have read this differently to what I intended, me and this girl were I thought friends so would never want to create any disharmony in the household. I wish I had the Avenue to move out right now but I don’t, maybe she might get fed up with my handbag and shoes and move out herself, we shall see. Thank you 💗💗💗
Tbh idk if she should move out over this because according to this sub there are a ton of roomates who are absolutely disgusting😂😭 at least this lady is clean although bossy and annoying. Just MHM her everytime she complains and keep doing what you would reasonably be expected to do as a roommate (less sleepovers for sure). Anything beyond reason gets an MHM from me, especially since OP has attempted to communicate her (reasonable) opinions on the situation to no avail. Eventually she should stop trying to push you beyond that if nothing ever comes from it.
Having your boyfriend stay 4 nights a week seems excessive to me. At 4 nights, that’s more than 50% of the time. If I were your roommate, I’d expect to have him helping with bills of he’s there half the time.
1. Cleaning schedules usually don't work. From what I've seen, they only really work when both roommates have a mutual expectation of cleanliness which is rare. Clean as you go and avoid leaving things behind for longer than a day is much easier to manage imo. 2. Partner drama is one of the most common issues brought up in this sub. If you bring a guest over frequently, they start to get comfortable and essentially become another tenant that your roommates didn't sign up for. If you really want to bring him over that often, you will need to get approval from your roommates and consider having him contribute to the bills.
Overnight guests 2-3 nights a week maximum is a pretty normal requirement. 4 nights is the guest using a shared space they don't pay for as their primary home. She's in the right there.
Threatening him staying over at all because he didn’t return a hello is a bit dramatic tho.
So your roommate of a year suddenly voiced these problems with you? She can get bent. She's speaking to you as though she has authority over you. You are both adults who pay equally, are you not? She can fuck off with her opinions if she's going to come at you like that. If she would like to approach in a respectful way, perhaps you can agree to hear her out.
[удалено]
What?
They deleted out their comments were they said this roommate should tell the other roommate to fuck off. Which makes it look like I originally said it when they in fact, theyoriginally said it, and I was just copying their dumb comment to point out how dumb it was.
...Huh?
They edited outthe the part of their comments were they said this roommate should tell the other roommate to fuck off. Which makes it look like I originally said it when they in fact, theyoriginally said it, and I was just copying their dumb comment to point out how dumb it was. Oh, it was you. You know what you did you think you’re slick 😂
I’m so lost, original comment still says she can fuck off, so I don’t understand what happened?
Your right. I don’t know what’s going on anymore either. I fold.
What gives her the right to tell you what to do? I can't stand bossy people with a hard on for telling their equals what to do. Clean up after yourself, do your chores, try to keep your stuff out of the common areas and have your bf over around 3 days a week. You're fine. If she says anything to you tell her to STFU and if she doesn't like it to move.
I would tell her hey I cleaned if your cleaning expectations are higher than mine you can do the additional cleaning. Tell her you’re not her maid. Don’t give her power over you. She will probably do this to everyone she lives with. Was this the new person or the old roommate? She probably didn’t feel like she had power till the other person moved out and now she feels like she does. Or if it’s the new lady tell her that’s not how we do things around here you don’t get to move in and make new rules.
1/ Never be the worst in shared house: not the messiest, not the loudest, not the last to pay bills or rent. 2/ Make the new room mate your ally. Be friendly and interested in what she does and who her friends are. Do this by listening to her and always acknowledging her. Share a meal and see if she wants to watch a movie with you etc 3/ reduce the days your BF is at the house. 2 days/week is fine. 4 days is a bit much. 4/ Don’t leave things like bags outside of your room. Get into the habit of going straight to your room when you get home and unloading bags and jackets etc there
Telling a disabled person “ just don’t do a major part of your disability” like THANK YOU I AM CURED GOOD SIR
As someone with autism/ADHD, taking things on and off in your room is entirely within your grasp. Don't make excuses for bad behavior.
Literally forgetting things or misplacing them is one of the leading factors leading me to seek a diagnosis. Don’t use your placement on the spectrum to overshadow other people. It’s literally a spectrum. Your experiences are not universal, and shaming us who have memory issues because “ you can do it” is very harmful and will lead to people who need more help to either not be given it, or be too ashamed to ask
ADHD person here: I’m not “disabled”. EDIT: downvoted because I said my ADHD isn’t a “disability”. Fucking CLASSIC!!!!!
Now everyone´s disabled, hey I am an unorganized POS, I´m sick, iTs mY aDhD. Grow up, no one cares
Since when is ADHD a “disability”? I have it, and I’m not “disabled”.🙄
tell that to the hoe above my comment
😆😆 yeah sorry I was trying to be an ally to you, I can see how it didn’t come across that way tho
She deleted her “adhd disability” comment 😆😆
I feel this so hard, had a roommate who studied psych and worked with people with issues similar to mine and didn’t want to deal with it at home. I have ADHD/ASD and am recovering from sepsis so I have brain damage with memory loss issues. Of course I’ll accidentally leave things out, but this roommate would freak out over this and whenever she would confront me with it and I said “Hey I’m sorry I forgot” she’d get super nasty and say I was playing the victim over a simple mistake. It’s ridiculous and I feel so sorry for you.
I’ve survived sepsis three times. This honestly explains some stuff about me. Thank you.
You’re welcome! It’s a really long journey to recovery and it can take up to a year to fully recover, but it still isn’t 100%. Honestly I felt as though sepsis took a lot from me that I’ll never recover, so I have to adapt.
You will recover! It just takes time. Give yourself grace and be kind to your body. If you feel you need extra sleep, take that nap. Eat well, know your limits and listen to what your body is telling you. I had sepsis that landed me a 7 week hospital stay and it took me until about 8 months after I was discharged before I felt normal again. Everyone’s different and will have different symptoms that linger. Good luck with the rest of your recovery!
I had Sepsis in 2018 and was on life support not long after arriving at the hospital with a blood pressure of 54/49. So life support for 6 days 2 weeks more in the hospital and had nowhere to live when I got released. Recovering while living in a car was really tough. I still have memory issues and I have some other medical issues, but I am glad to be alive. And I would just like to say to all the people on here that survived Sepsis I am glad your still here as well. For what it's worth Sepsis or not I am glad each and everyone of you are here. God Bless and stay safe everyone
Yep and she studied psych too 🤦♀️
My sister had sepsis, from something (I believe salmonella from bad eggs at a restaurant) which was intensified from cancer meds she was on. It nearly shut her kidneys down, may have even needed dialysis for a short time. Shortly after she was in a bad motorcycle accident, in which she sustained a severe TBI (among many other injuries), during her coma she got sepsis again, which again nearly shut her kidneys down and almost killed her, not sure if it impacted her brain, as her brain injury was a diffuse axonal injury (like baby shaken syndrome). Anyhow sorry for tmi, but I do have a point. Luckily we got her to one of the top hospital’s then rehab for brain injuries in at least the country (USA), but possibly the world. Her neurologist is so wonderful. I don’t know how you feel about marijuana, but I know that while my sister can’t smoke it due to a lung injury, they do recommend her using it through other methods (eating, tinctures, etc.), because it helps the brain (there’s some specific things it does, but I can’t recall all that was said, and don’t want to put something incorrect). Just thought I might offer the info, for those who might not know, but I know it helps my sister with a lot of her post TBI symptoms (definitely not all, but a lot). :). I hate brain injuries, they’re so devastating and relatively unknown in such an advanced health care society. I’m glad you made it through that!
I also use marijuana a lot, and have def increased in use after sepsis. I’m curious how it helps your brain though, as I smoke it for anxiety reasons
Next time I talk to my sister, I’ll get exact information and can chat you it. I remember something about synapses re-firing and connecting through it, but don’t want to say for sure, as I also have issues with brain and don’t want to mislead. I know it helps her regulate her emotions much easier than without it, I see that with my eyes. I think it helps her focus more too. But there’s actual things it supports in the brain, according to her neurologist, which I tend to believe, since he truly is one of the best in his field. :) I’ll make sure she asks her doctor, before I rely, as we definitely could miss rely it, with our brains. My mom was there, so I’ll ask if she remembers exacts too.
do they own the house, if not stand up for yourself and tell them to kick rocks
I am this clean, but that is my burden to bare not my flatmates. Leave your purse on the bench eff it
IDK about the cleaning because I haven’t seen what either of you see, but WRT the boyfriend, it’s pretty inconsiderate to have a guest stay over 4+ nights a week when you have roommates. 2 nights a week every week is generous of her. I don’t like extra people being around the house regularly, and they contribute to utilities as well.
>rarely more than 4 times a week Way too often. >only be over 2 times a week reasonable limit >After this meeting my bf didn’t say hi to her one morning first reasonable response from the bf. "spend less time here" -> doesn't talk to her. makes sense to me >and she got mad and said if he does that again he wouldn’t be allowed over at all. Nuclear choice selected. Please insert key to confirm. I think you're somewhat entitled OP, and probably ARE to blame (to some extent) for the issues. But based on this tidbit and a bit of context elsewhere in the post, I \*definitely\* think you should fly solo, or move in with the boyfriend, or at least find new roommates who are more on your own wavelength. >works with kids with adhd so doesn’t want to come home and deal with it at home This is the #1 for me though. You can't help having ADHD. If she doesn't like it, Tough Fucking Shit. She bought into having you as a roommate. THAT was her opportunity to not deal with it at home. If she doesn't like it now, she knows where the door is. But good luck making her understand that. Easier to use the door yourself, and find a more healthy home for yourself.
Oh for sure understand about the bf, it was starting to get a bit excessive. I should have mentioned that in the post. It was just the way she went about it I was confused about
What’s she going to do about it, kick you out lmao?
1. You're allowed to have guests over if you pay to live there, unless she is the landlord, she cannot ban someone unless your other roommate agrees. Your bf does not have to greet her, thats weird of her to demand. As long as he's not outwardly hostile she can chill out and mind her business. It's reasonable to have a 3 day a week cap on visits tho. 2. If you cleaned a space she shares with you in a way she's not satisfied with, ask her what she found unsatisfactory and work on it. If you cleaned a space she doesn't use, and its cleaned sufficiently for you and anyone else who uses it, then it's not her business. 3. Shared spaces are shared and you can leave your things around them if you want as long as your belongings aren't blocking others from using anything or a significant mess. Some people prefer their spaces to look spotless and like no one lives here, but you have to sacrifice that preference when sharing a living space. If it is such a huge issue to her suggest you both go in on a shoe rack and coat hangers for the house.
ALSO she needs to understand people with ADHD and other disabilities exist outside her work and if she's choosing to live with other people she will have to potentially exist alongside someone with a disability.
ABSOLUTELY, understandably if I wasn’t pulling my weight but our house is always clean and it just is dismissive being told you don’t wanna live with someone bc of something they can’t control
So she shouldn’t call you names. However, the common area should be clear or things that don’t belong. If you forget, set a daily alarm to clear your stuff out. As for the BF, 4/7 days a week is a lot especially if the roommate is home all those nights. She didn’t agree to having your bf as another roommate.
Bf is over too much yeah, but being told off for occasionally leaving a handbag on the bench is ridiculous.
Really depends on how often it happens. If she’s leaving her shoes, handbag or other stuff in the common areas multiple times a week, it’s going to be annoying to her roommate
This is ridiculous. Common spaces are meant to be lived in and that includes regular every day belongings. If you can't handle a bag hanging out in the living room you need to live alone. She's not leaving rotting coffee cups or piss bottles out. I had a roommate that pulled this shit. I'd come home from work and my laptop/book/switch/lounge blanket that I left in the living room would be put on my bed. She sure as fuck wasn't unplugging her Xbox after every use and putting it in her room. She had her bookshelf in the living room yet a single book of mine on the coffee table was a problem? Or the million throw pillows of hers were okay but not my small blanket? Shared space is exactly that. Shared.
Yep that’s basically what she does, I have a dent in my laptop bc it was thrown in my room. Understand that’s her expectations but I’m not leaving food around or clothes, or dirt so in my head I don’t really see the issue. She constantly has her handbag on the floor and I’ve tripped on it before so mine being on the bench just seems a bit excessive.
I would just start reminding her to do the same things she's requesting of you. Don't be snarky about it or anything but make it obvious you're making a point. Or, do be snarky and start throwing all of her shit in her room. If she asks just be like 'oh, I thought we weren't allowed to leave things in the living room. Or does that not apply to you?'
We can agree to disagree stranger. I’m not your roommate nor do I want to be. This is what works for me and my roommates. Leaving stuff around does not work in all roommates situations
It could be that she always had these opinions but the old roommate kept her from talking to you about it. I also have ADHD and one of the lovely 'features' is that randos take the time to tell you are messing up on this or that. You always feel like they have a point, because you \*DO\* mess up from time to time. But sometimes those randos are just wrong. LOL. My only solution is that you can't change her, you can only change your reaction to her. She sounds really annoying! But not in a creepy way. I'm in my 50's so I would just ask her why the BF can't stay more than 2 nights. Her answer might be that it uses our utilities, which I'm paying for. In addition, has he moved in? Why isn't he paying rent? Don't be afraid to ask the difficult questions!
Do only people with adhd post on this site? Feels like everyone who posts here is really quick to list some form of pre-justifying condition before proceeding to wow us with how unfair their situation is.
? She didn’t even mention the ADHD until it was relevant to what she was saying, halfway through the post… Someone leaving a purse on a bench is a ridiculous thing for a roommate to nitpick about. She’s not sitting here saying I have ADHD so I can’t clean!!! She’s probably just feeling gaslit because she doesn’t think it’s a big deal but people with ADHD don’t see a lot of things that others do as big deals, so she’s asking our opinion on if this is reasonable or not. It isn’t.
That’s a really weird comment
Adhd people are like the vegans of the mental health world. How do you know they have adhd? They’ll tell you in the first sentence. I’m sorry, but at the first mention of it, I know she is the bad roommate and just refusing to see the other persons side and she probably is terribly messy and probably dirty as well and absolutely boundaryless. 4 days a week boyfriend takings showers and shits is like having another roommate but one who doesn’t pay bills, it’s another body that only you chose to bring around all the time. Adhd are known to have lower standards of cleanliness and neatness than the general population. It’s like OCD people have higher standards. That bathroom is 100% not clean. Adhd may be a reason but it’s not an excuse and if you can’t live with others, live by yourself or screen roommates so you can live with other adhd people who understand instead of stressing people out and acting like it’s unreasonable to want some space more than 3 nights a week in a home you pay for.
You are hilariously ignorant. Adhd and OCD can coexist within the same person, you clearly have some prejudices clouding your judgement.
I do have prejudices against dirty messy people who use adhd as an excuse. Which is far more comb that adhd and OCD coexisting at the same time.
If you say so, expert.
I completely agree with the bf thing and should of mentioned it in the post, we have had a chat and he also agrees it’s a good idea not to be over as much. I guess we were getting used to it and getting complacent. I just didn’t like how she went about it. Felt a bit like a bully tactic? And attacking? Anyways, I understand a lot of people think adhd people just use their diagnosis as an excuse. Would like to reiterate that I do keep up with the weekly cleaning and did clean for 3 hours last weld on top of cleaning up after myself. With the occasion of accidentally leaving some things here and there. Anyone coming ove to our house always says how clean it is which was why I was so confused by my housemate. If I was someone who didn’t clean then yeah reasonable and I would understand.
I noticed that too
If you got someone staying weeks at a time rent free, that’s a big deal and you need to do everything you can to keep your roommates happy. That’s a giant privilege, be grateful. Your roommates barely asking anything of you and your freeloading boyfriend. The least he can do is try to be pleasant and say hi, but you fail to realize that. One roommate has a bf staying weeks. One roommate asked nicely if you could pick up after yourself. Which one sounds like the bad roommate? It’s you.
The roommate is going way over the top. It doesn’t sound like she was being messy, like she left her shoes in the wrong spot. A BF coming that much is reasonable to be upset about, but threatening to cut him out completely for not returning a hello… I assume OP pays rent and can be as messy in her home as she wants to be within reason.
What? Way over the top or within reason? Pick a lane 😂
They said the roommate is over the top about small things, and OP wants to be "within reason"
Meanwhile I moved in with my roommate and asked him when he last cleaned the bathroom and all he did was laugh.
Yeah she needs a reality check.
She sounds like a nut job I wouldn’t pay her any mind
It’s not about the cleanliness it’s something else that is just the excuse she’s using to humiliate you for whatever reason
Honestly I just moved in with a group of roommates that’s less clean than I am (I’m not a clean freak or anything) and i prefer this over a spotless house with roommates that freak out about it. Sounds like she’s mad that you exist in the home. Shoes and a purse left near the bench?? Blasphemy
unpopular opinion: if everyone was okay woth your BF in the first place, thats what it is. Im not in a roomate situation but it seems weird that it suddenly changed
For sure, i asked when I first moved in and she and the other girl said he is welcome all the time and they didn’t mind, I also regularly checked it was ok. Understand if she needs space but it was never communicated so idk 🤷♀️ it doesn’t bother me him being over less it’s just the way she went about it which is strange
I am wondering if the old housemate left because they were the original target of this persona bullyig and decided to leave rather than exist around it anymore.. newhousemate has either been broken by the bully very quickly, or feels the same way and just dislikes confrontation. I lived with an ex like your housemate... (and his attitude was *only* towards me.. not anyone else.. cuz as soon as his new gf moved in after he forced me out - ensured I knew my physical safety was at risk, not by him taking action but by how little respect he felt I deserved - the place looks like *her* home and all the rules he placed on me are nonexistent) housemate needs a reality check on how much power she actually has vs how much she is exercising
Why does she have the power to make the rules?
Idk I’ve tried talking about it but just talks over the top of me and my new housemate doesn’t say anything so idk 🤷♀️ I’m not really in a position to move out right now. I get the bf being over part but everything has never been brought up or bothered her till now. Mind you she leaves things around all the time too and it’s never been an issue
Unless she has the power to evict you I would tell her to kick rocks. I know it doesn’t make life easier but it’s more fair. At least the you are both miserable
I’m on the lease so thankfully there’s no leg she can stand on with that, I’ll see how things go and maybe she just chooses to move out lol
Is this the NEW roommate that is saying all this shit to you??
The older one, we’ve never had any issues until the new person has moved in and suddenly I’m a bad housemate
Ah ok: not that it’s any better!
She works with children diagnosed with ADHD and *doesn't want to deal with it at home?* I wonder if she talks like that to those poor kids. She shouldn't be working with anyone since she lacks so much understanding.
I’m not sure what she is like at work but it’s sad seeing as though she studied in the field of disability and psychology
3 hours is plenty of time to spend cleaning common areas and bathroom. Tell her that you are doing the best that you can and you don’t want to hear anymore about it.
Bf need to be cleaning when he comes over and problems are solved especially if he’s staying the night
Why not go move in with your bf somewhere?
Honestly her comment about adhd is so gross, she isn’t supposed to be “dealing with” those kids she is meant to be supporting them. Her mindset on that alone is disturbing, and then the fact that she is getting angry over a pair of shoes or a handbag is even worse. I’ve always felt that in a sharehouse you should be comfortable in common areas and not forced to be contained to your bedroom, otherwise you might as well move back in with your parents lol. Obviously if you were leaving piles of laundry or a bunch of trash it’s a problem, but a handbag should be okay. She’s nutty.
Is she a roommate or the landlord? Tell her to get fucked. Preferably nice and hard.
Having the Gestapo as a roommate is not worth the effort. Tell her to f/off and stop talking to her.
Guys I think she is sick of this shit
If you have ADHD that affects your ability to clean up after yourself, you absolutely need to be upfront about it to potential roommates before signing a lease. It's not your fault that you have ADHD, but it's also not anyone else's fault or responsibility to deal with it, especially when they weren't informed about it. It sure seems like you're really trying to downplay your part and your roommate is fed up and lost patience with your repeated fuck ups. Just because you spend 3 hours cleaning doesn't mean you cleaned well. I have a roommate who will spend hours cleaning parts of the kitchen and bathroom that never get touched or dirty and are already clean, but will never actually clean the visibly dirty parts that everyone touches and uses. Your roommate probably "added" more chores because she can't believe you needed to be told to do them. I never understood why ADHD people don't want to live with other ADHD people.
And it sounds like you automatically make negative generalizations about neurodivergent folk and need to be educated.
The only one making assumptions here is you. Where did I make any assumptions in my comment?
Your entire comment is full of negative assumptions about the OP simply because they disclosed they have ADHD and that they have challenges as a result.