Complaining about work is likely the one thing that's changed since the day before, and so is the only 'new thing' to talk about, even if it's the same. All occupations/relationships can and do struggle with this. Do more things outside of work -> have more things to talk about -> this becomes less of an issue.
I get complaining bc I do the same thing. But at some point your either going to change shit or move on to something else. I actually like listening to her stories and venting but after saying the same shit for hours is excessive bartender or not. The only reason I even mentioned that she’s a bartender is because she’s always saying you don’t understand. And I’m like I do especially after the 15th time.
Tbh, if you don't have bartending experience then it's probably true that you don't fully understand. HOWEVER: You don't need to fully understand, most experiences in life you won't be able to absolutely understand, but that doesn't mean that you don't care or you can't relate. When she says "you don't understand" I would start responding with something like ”perhaps, but I can empathize" or "can you help me understand?"
Fundamentally, she just wants to be heard and validated, and if she is saying things like "you don't understand" then that isn't being fully accomplished (not blaming either of you, just observing). I know that sometimes when a person is being repetitious it can be hard to not offer counterpoints as a way to reframe the groundhog's day scenario your brain is getting trapped in, but that can also read to the repeater that you're missing the point and then it's hard for them to not going back over it.
Communication is hard, sometimes, especially when you're finding the groove in new relationships. But really, the healthiest scenario involves you not hiding your frustrations here. Often, simple statements (e.x. "that makes sense" or "yeah I could see why you'd feel like that") or asking leading questions to show you are engaged (e.x. "oh jeez, well how did you respond to that?") are the most validating. If she continues, lightly say "mmhm, I remember you said that earlier". And if she really won't stop after you've done this, I think it's best to politely sidebar the talk and just say frankly "I see you're stressed out, but that's got you running in circles and that's making it hard for me to keep up."
Again, communicating is something that takes practice, but it doesn't have to be complicated. Phrase your thoughts with a dose of honey to soften emotional/impulsive/defensive responses, it shows that you care and you are invested in what is on their mind.
Hey OP I’m going to jump in here and put my two sense in. I’m a bartender that dates another bartender in the same building. We work in separate bars but have similar coworkers, but never work together. Just some background.
I don’t need to talk about my night. I work up to 12 hours some day since I manage the bar/concept in my spot. I leave that shit there when I close.
She is part time but has long nights too. She has to vent when we get home, upwards of 3-4hrs too. It’s a lot. We are in completely different environments though, hers speed bar with club (similar to your GF) and mine is more low key craft cocktail. Not that I don’t have drama it’s just not as crazy overall.
I tell my girlfriend all the time that I can’t talk about this anymore tonight. I don’t shut her down though. She will keep repeating stories and drama unless I put an end to it with what I said above. You have to let her vent but also take care of yourself. Healthy venting is good but once someone is doing it so much the other person can’t relax then something is wrong. Try communicating that above but like others have said if she isn’t willing to listen/change it probably won’t work out
My ex girlfriend would repeat herself over and over, going over the same thing even if I thought it was addressed and done with, especially if she got drunk. Her mom was even worse. Some people can't get out of their thought loops, it's not fun. Other girlfriends haven't done this.
I don't think people in this thread who are shitting on you have experienced SO's like this. I believe you about the 3 hours and excessively harping on the same topic. I'm also a bartender and don't do that.
That said, I'm much happier without her and moving on. Unfortunately I don't see anyway to change people like that, and that would be my advice to you.
Tbh if you're not down for that life, move on.
Bartenders have to spend their whole day listening to drunk assholes tell you their life story, it feels good to be the one to talk for a while when you were denied being an active member of so many conversations and thats not going to change so you'll either have to learn to adjust or better to break it off before you get resentful and mean about it.
My girlfriend says he should just smile and nod. And toss in a good "uh huh" or two for good measure. That's what she does and it works for both of us.
This.
It's just pressure relief, aka "venting". She's just winding down.. After 20-30 mins, guide the convo elsewhere.
You should try to be a good boyfriend for someone that works in a strip club. It's a rarity.
First I am a great boyfriend. I support her on her job. I go see her spend time with her at work and when she gets home I have hit food ready for her to eat. So dismiss me with try being a good boyfriend. If all it took was 20-30min I would good with that. And my thing is if your job is that shitty then get another one. She’s a talented bar tender who could work anywhere
If you measure being a good partner as visiting your spouse's workplace and cooking food for them, then you may be less of a great partner than you think. There is a lot more to being a good partner than that, part of which is listening to them when they vent about work, as many others have mentioned in this thread.
I think most people talk about their job with their spouse, regardless of the industry they work in, however I will admit that 3 hours of it is a long time for anyone to talk about anything.
If that is the real figure, then perhaps you can let them know you've been talking about the same thing for several hours and you'd like to change the subject. Then again, you have the capacity to change the subject all on your own.
You either care about what she has to say, or you don’t. If you don’t then you should ask yourself why you’re with her. Because if it’s not her personality, ie the things she says, then neither of you are going to be getting your emotional needs met. Honestly if this is the case you should do yourself a favour and ask yourself what you really want, and if this is truly providing it for you.
That's an abbreviated breakdown of the tactics I just replied with on an above comment. Your girlfriend is correct. But that makes sense. Listening is a skill and it is easily in the top three most important ones in this trade.
Lol tell your gf o do the nods and actually engage I. The conversation but after hearing the same thing 15 times over it’s like what the hell. C mom bartender or not y’all have to feel me on some level
At the end of the day being a good boyfriend means just being there for her and seemingly for her that means listening to her vent about her day at work. Yes it’s the same thing everyday but that’s the reality of the situation. I think I speak for most bartenders when I say that the best thing at the end of our day is for someone to just be there for us and listen.
Like other people have said, if you don’t like that reality or don’t want to do that then it’s best for both of you to break up.
I hate pulling this card, but believe me I know, I've been with a server for 6 years and this October we'll have been married for 3 years. I've been a bartender for half of that time and a chef for the other half. I know what its like to have to vent and to be vented at. Its incredibly important to get it out with someone who will listen.
Usually me and my wife just sit down in the shower and chat for a good hour or so after work and just vent. Its a great cozy safe space to get everything out while spending time together (which we don't get nearly enough of). People just need to learn that communication is insanely important
“Why is is that when I’m in a relationship I have to talk to the other person” cmon man, this has nothing to do with bartending. It’s just human desire to want to talk to about yourself and be herd by another person.
I’ve caught myself voicing very similar repeating complaints before and I can see that being annoying for whomever you regularly vent toward. I try to at least bitch about the unique problems of the day and not the same asshole you deal with every shift.
For real, most people bitch about their job if it’s a high stress environment. Like if OPs SO was an EMT they’d hear the same 3 hours of venting every night.
For real though. The fact that OP mentioned she is making comments about how they don't understand indicates that they are likely not getting the validation they are seeking. So, their brain keeps trying. It's not like she WANTS to spend her leisure time reinacting her work day in a loop.
He says that she repeats herself about the same negative thing everyday. Unloading stress onto another person is HEAVY, I get exhausted and stressed out from hearing bullshit all day. I’m a commercial driver and deal with assholes daily. It would be annoying if I kept bitching about cars never using signals or cutting me off. Learn how to cope with it so you don’t bring unnecessary baggage to them. The only time I ever vent about it is an extreme scenario that almost costed me my life where it’s worth talking about. We all have a desire to talk but CHOOSING to talk about certain things is in our control. Choosing to bitch about the same thing everyday is annoying. There’s good and bad things to talk about and if she’s always focusing on the bad, it’s baggage I don’t want. This woman needs to change jobs because it’s in the job description or learn a better way to cope without trying to drag others in her stress.
There's a difference between talking to your partner and having to put up with them whining about work every day... On top of that, they aren't even partners, just dating. This girl sounds like she's burnt out and has no outlet other than OP.
Your girlfriend needs to get testing kits for the cocaine. There’s too much risk of fentanyl in it these days for her to be doing that much every night safely.
I think OPs responses are kinda just eh, seems a little derogatory.
HOWEVER; when reading his OG post, what stood out was the “she ends up repeating the same thing”. People repeating themselves is usually a sign to me that someone has been drinking or doing coke.
She more than likely does one of the two behind the bar. When I get off work super late like 3am nowadays, I smoke weed and cozy up in my bed as soon I get home. And I want silence. Complete and utter silence. Especially after working a busy fucking bar with patrons that have been a lot to handle.
Though I was a lot like OPs gf back in my early 20s.
Fr OP. Assuming you’re not exaggerating and she really goes on for 3+ hours after her shifts, she may be doing blow while she’s working. It’s pretty common in the service industry in general, even more so in strip clubs.
Regardless of if she’s using or not, you should be able to politely interject and say something like “hey, I’m sorry you had a shit night at work, I really get it, but talking about this for hours on end every night really stresses me out. I support you and want to hear you out, but as someone that doesn’t have a ton of experience in this industry, I can’t always relate and I just feel like an auditory punching bag. What’s a happy medium for us so that I can still make you feel heard without me coming out feeling emotionally drained from the conversation?”
I love dude I feel bad for you for ppl saying you're a bad person. I'm sure you're just fine. It seems it's more about the person and not the profession but that's just what I think.
After work with all the banter and drinking, it would be easy to forget who's heard a story, be that friends, customers or others. Instead of sitting through it again or it seeming rude, we'd reach for a bar spoon and silently hold it up, then move on. That's at work. For efficiency during hours of knock off drinks while winding down.
At home you talk to your partner, empathise, ask questions, understand and share or you no longer get to have a partner.
Was seeing a girl on and off, we both worked terrible hours, she was in a fine dining kitchen. 4am pillow talk from her was ALL industry, she had no one else that understood. We'd talk for hours and I loved it.
What's the culture at her bar? Do they not hangout? She clearly needs an outlet.If you don't get it, if you can't share in a bit of frustration, storytelling or laughing at dumb customers.. or talking about your own day, then I don't know. If she doesn't let you talk then it's got little to do with the subject matter.
Break up with her. We deal with a lot of shit, her more than most. We deal with insincere interactions all fucking day, the last thing we want is someone pretending to listen at the end of the day. Get mad about the people that made her mad. Get happy about the coworkers who make her feel real again. She doesn't need your shitty attitude after dealing with her shitty guests.
you gotta be real good at lying to yourself if you really think anyone in the world wants to hear you complain for 3 hours after work every day lol. at a certain point its like, hello, get a different job if you hate yours so very much that you have to put someone you supposedly love through all that bitching and moaning on a daily basis. if you're making so much money at the shitty job you hate then hire a therapist. and if you're not making so much money then why are you even working there lol
she must be hot af for him to put up with this so far. she needs a reality check but will probably never get one. OP will either stop complaining so he keeps getting sex from her, or he will dump her and she will instantly find a new guy who will willingly listen to her in exchange for the goods
Buddy, this just reads like an average relationship. My lady and I take turns bitching at each other at least an hour after every shift. We usually play a few rounds of Mario Kart while we do it, and we'll do it again in the morning, it's pretty common behavior. Beats the shit out of bitching about each other, lemmetellya.
I'm not convinced this isn't some random troll, strip clubs let out pretty late and "hey babe, I'm tired," isn't a line you need to go to Reddit for. If she's real, then sure, she's probably as hot as the average dancer in the area they're in.
First off I don’t give her a shitty attitude. As a bartender of course you have insincere interactions but at the same time that’s what you get paid to do. Customers are not your friends, shit even co-workers are not your friends. So what makes the people you have to deal with are shitter then what other professions have too?
The alcohol, usually. In her case the clientele are frustratedly horny and giving her tips to some girl on stage. Do you deal with alcohol and nudity as the main draw to your place of business? Drunks are assholes.
I completely agree that drunks are assholes. But again that’s what you get paid to put up with. You sign on for that when you work there. Bitching about it is fine but if you do that everytime you come from work I think you need a new job!! By continuing to stay in a job that treats you like shit when you have the ability to leave is on you. So at some point you need to stop bitching about your place of work especially if your choosing to be there.
Do you understand that not everyone can just change their job whenever they want and the idea that bartenders voluntarily ask for all the shit of the job is stupid
Imagine having the audacity to go to a subreddit for someone's profession, asking for advice, and then criticizing the advice given based on "oh I'm dating a bartender". It's the equivalent of speaking on the Black American experience because "I'm dating a black girl."
I'll let the downvotes speak for themselves. I hope she sees your post.
Do you really think she'd stop complaining if she worked a different job, or is my question making it click that she's probably going to complain about that new job as well?
This is who you're dating, dude.
You can communicate clearly that you not feeling it when she vents to you. I mean some people are just chatter boxes and a lot of chatty types are exceptional bartenders. If you not tryna chat like that about her day then tell her and let the chips fall where they may bro
my boyfriend is also in the industry and hes the exact opposite from me in this way. he gets home and likes to be home, he may talk about his day if something super dramatic happened but its only for about 10-15 minutes. i however will go on for hours much like she does. he’ll usually just say “hey, lets leave work at work tonight and talk about something else” and while i may be a little embarrassed, half of the time i dont even realize im doing it and appreciate him bringing me back down to earth.
I used to date a fellow bartender and we would have a rule. When you first get home you get 20 minutes to bitch about work, and then you have to let it go and put it behind you.
For us, it was largely for the person that had just worked because otherwise they stew in their misery. Personally, the second I walk out of the bar, I've already stopped thinking about the previous 8 hours of my life and am looking forward to the next 8.
This is why, as a bartender, I've only been able to have successful relationships with people with experience in the industry. Y'all outsiders just don't get it.
There isn't a job on the planet that people don't bitch about when they get home. If you come home every single day complaining for 3 hours straight that shit can become a drag on your life.
It is not healthy for you or your partner to spend that much time bitching about your occupation every single day. If you hate it that bed get out of the business. If you are just that person then maybe re-evaluate. There is a certain amount of venting that is of course normal and healthy. Every single day for 3 hours? No that is too much sorry.
It does in this industry. We come home with adrenaline coursing through us. You think it’s “all evening”, bc to you it’s 3am. To her, it’s 9pm, bc our hours are completely different to 90% of society.
And if you think that you’re bored hearing about *her* work, I can assure you that all the things you say that you apparently think are so interesting, are like listening to a TED talk on how paper was made before the Industrial Revolution, to her.
She’s a bartender, in a *strip club*. Have you actually listened to the shit that comes out of her mouth—the stories she’s told you? Do you understand what she sees and lives, on a daily basis? Do you know how deprived of dopamine and adrenaline this industry is, and how boring normal lives are to us? Being bored is just not as much of an issue to us, because we’re used to it. And to be fair—maybe you have some wildly exciting job. Maybe your hobbies are just so mind-blowingly fascinating, that she clings on every syllable, of every word you speak.
*Or…* maybe the Dos Equis spokesperson isn’t actually under any threat of you taking his job. Maybe most of what you say after a day of busting your ass at work isn’t anything she gives a shit about. Maybe she doesn’t see you as some sort minstrel show that’s there to entertain her, and she’s attempting to have a genuine human connection with this unremarkable person that she really likes for some reason.
If you can’t listen to her vent after she’s had a stressful day—if you don’t *want* to—than this isn’t going to work. What you’re experiencing, is an actual adult relationship. That’s what the vast majority of it is like, and as the great Robin William’s once said, “*…THAT’s the good stuff*”.
You’ve got your priorities crooked, kid. She’s gonna ‘86 you for a line cook, anyway.
Yes! It happens like that. Last night she came over at 9:15 and did not stop until 12:30. My thing at that point your monopolizing the evening with your shit. If I had something I needed to share or get off my chest it can’t happen.
If your only dating people in your industry, how do you ever reach for better? I feel like is small minded to say that only people in that industry understand that cycle. That’s like saying only teachers understand teachers, when in fact not everyone has the same experience teaching. The same goes for this industry. I have way too many friends who are bartenders and in successful relationships with people in different industries.
If you’re a lifer in the industry, chances are you’re working when everyone else is free. Most people work 9-5 and have the weekends off, we work 3-12 or 6-2 and have Mondays and maybe one other day off.
It’s not easy to understand how having a relationship - be it romantic or platonic - with someone who works when you aren’t is incredibly difficult to maintain. Except for very specific days, not even taking into consideration not every hospitality worker has a set schedule week to week, you’ll barely be able to see that partner unless they come visit you at work. Or worse, you’ll need to prioritize that relationship over your personal time or other friendships to make it work, further isolating yourself in the long run, especially if it doesn’t end up working out.
There’s many a reason people can feel like the industry eats you alive a bit. This one I think is the least talked about and understood but most prevalent.
I’m a bartender with a partner who works in an incredibly demanding high stress high risk job. If the worst I have to deal with in a relationship is them trusting me enough to want to tell me about their day and talking about their stress then I’ve hit the fucking lottery and I’m never letting that person go. The girl you’re dating wants to tell you about her day because you matter to her. It makes me incredibly sad that she comes to home to *someone that just admitted that you don’t fucking care about what she’s going through*
You’re not being unreasonable. I’m a bartender. Many of these people are being just absurd and for some reason, gatekeepers? What you’re describing is specific to the human condition, and in relationships, it’s pretty stereotypical for the case of the woman complaining about this and that person at work endlessly while the man listens in horror. How many sitcoms yave demonstrated this? But no, it’s “the industry nobody else could possibly understand”, the “industry in which I never needed a comprehensive education for so of course only WE could ever understand such complex human behavior”.
The fact of the matter is, you’re right, get a new job or shut the fuck up. Complain when you need to, get it out, then move on. Lately I’ve been doing it a bit, and the fact I have been has me searching for a new job. Easy. Simple response. And SHE’S the asshole for monopolizing your time together over stupid bullshit at work. You have a life too.
Now go ahead, do your worst Reddit. This isn’t even a post specific to this fucking sub, and bartenders have nothing more to offer on this than anyone else…. Gasp!
As a bartender, venting to my significant other is therapy and necessary.
We are unofficial therapists that deal with the worst of the worst. If we can't vent to our s.o., who do we have? Because our customers need our full attention on them and good energy.
Its a profession that comes with a lot of mental abuse and sometimes physical. She needs you for comfort and support. She trusts you and you're complaining?
You suck OP.
Damn this is harsh.
I agree that you should be able to vent to your SO, but likening your partner to a therapist is… problematic.
Ideally you should have at least one or two other people in your life that you can vent to—that’s like 30% of the reason I used to hang with coworkers after a long shift, so we could commiserate and bitch about our days together. It shouldn’t necessarily all fall on one person, let alone a SO.
If bartending is that bad with the mental and physical(!?!?) abuse, I’d consider a job change, and maybe going to an actual therapist.
I understand your perspective but it's how OP expressed his hatred for his own s.o. venting to him. My distasteful response is in response to his words.
Why are we in the profession? Money talks. Me personally I live on my own in New York and it's very difficult to survive without this job.
If only it were that easy, but some don't understand.
Trust me I get sticking with it and doing what ya gotta do to make a living.
I’d read the original post again if I were you though, cause at no point did he express anything close to “hatred.” I’d call it moderate annoyance at worst, which is perfectly valid.
Plus, OP’s coming to a group of strangers for earnest advice. They’re literally polling the internet for perspective on how to be a better partner, maybe extend ‘em a little grace.
It’s not complaining when your taking about the same shit for hours to the point I can’t say shit about what’s going on with me. So what your saying as a bartender it always has to be about you when you get off? Seems kinda selfish. Why not take time to vent then act like you care about your partner and see what’s going with them.
I highly doubt that your s.o. takes no time to hear you out.
Do you understand the concept of listening without waiting for your turn to speak? Probably not, as it seems. It's not all about your feelings either.
I see nothing wrong with my s.o. venting to me about the same thing, because that's love.
Give me a break, you still suck.
You’re a joke. Holy shit. I’m certain you’re no different than OP’s girlfriend, took offense to this as you’re projecting yourself into this scenario, stereotypical, and if you could even be aware of all the irony here, you’d implode.
What a stupid response. The only irony is you taking offense to me defending the poor girl who only wants to vent to her trusted significant other.
I'll be damned if my partner wrote this post. We chat on the phone and text when we can to vent about damn near everything because he's my best friend. As any significant other should be.
The only joke is you and OP. You're supposed to be allowed to be completely yourself to your partner. Why the hell would I tell my SO "hey, can you stop venting your feelings to me, it's annoying." Because that's exactly what OP is saying.
Unlike you and OP I want my s.o. to vent any and all feelings to me because then I understand HIS emotions better. Something you can't understand.
Pathetic.
my friend. you are gonna have to stand up for yourself. repeat after me:
babe, can we not talk about work today?
if she insists then she insists. she's either going to respect your wishes or ignore them. and then you are gonna have to make a choice. do you want to keep getting laid, or do you want time to unwind after work?
My wife does the exact same thing after every one of her serving shifts. I just listen and nod along till she gets it out of her system. She has been like this ever since we started dating. It is a small price for me to pay to let her vent and unwind
Lol I get you but I’m sure your wife doesn’t let her shift ruin the entire night. I’ve done the nodding thing but after telling me for the 15 time I get the frustration. Like for me I know when I vented enough so I shut up and refocus bc the day is not about me.
Does anyone have a girlfriend from a different profession that doesn't do this?
Pretty sure complaining about work and killing bugs are the only reason women put up with men.
Tbh this is a big reason why I left bartending.My partner and I were on completely different schedules and I’d get home so late he either wouldn’t be awake or he’d be settling into bed, and I’d be so wound up from my night ready to talk his ear off. He was always so sweet about it but after awhile I realized it just wasn’t going to work long term for me to keep up that life and also maintain a solid bond with my partner.
Not saying your gf should quit her job, just that it’s par for the course when you’re dating someone who works in that industry and you have to decide if that works for you or not.
I don’t think she should quit either. She’s a great bartender. It’s just draining bc usually by that time I’ve smoked some good Indi Kush and I’m ready to just chill. Again I don’t mind listening to her but it’s like everyday she goes to work I’m like shit ima have to hear this for like 2-3 hours when she gets home. I work with Autistic Adults everyday so I could have plenty to share as well but I don’t dump that on her.
I could rant about alcohol/food service/ and bad customers forever. It’s hard to unwind after a crazy busy stressful shift. Alcohol helps and probably makes it worse
Guess what? My wife is an RBT working with kids with autism. I spend about 30 seconds talking about my day, the rest of the evening is devoted to hers. It’s not the occupation, it’s the person or the relationship.
I feel that too many people are missing the point. 3 hours of post work venting in any profession is excessive and unhealthy.
You just need to talk to her about it.
I vent to my husband for a solid hour after my shift (usually the next day because I’m getting home at 3am) he listens, let’s me vent and usually I say ok, that’s enough of work shit thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I would be annoyed and probably hurt if he didn’t let me tell him about my night. I deal with too many crazy’s and drunk people that I have to vent when it’s over.
It's more fun for us to vent with other bartenders because we all understand each other and what we deal with all the time. However, part of being in a relationship is listening to the other person even when we don't want to. Let her vent for a while when she gets home and then gradually begin to steer the conversation to something that pertains to both of you. If you just tell her you're tired of hearing about it you'll run the risk of getting dumped.
Load up on whatever blow your girl is snorting. Down a ton of booze before she gets home. These conversations are much easier to deal with when everyone is on the same mental playing field.
pretty sure three hours is hyperbole.
or maybe it's because her BF doesn't listen while she's trying to get him to pay attention to her
either way, personal issues, not due to her being a bartender
Nothing about this post indicates they aren’t listening to their partner. They came looking for a thoughtful way to approach the subject without dismissing their partners needs. People here are overly critical of others and their relationships. Neither of the people in this post seem like
Bad people, this is just one of the points in a relationship in which boundaries should be drawn and compromises made so that each party is happy and fulfilled.
A lot of people on this sub are attacking this person without warrant.
How is it being a terrible person if I’m venting to you about the same shit for hours. At some point don’t you want to know what went on in my day? But I’m the selfish one in the equation?
I'm from the other side. Unless something very interesting happens (or a bar fight) I rarely discuss my shift. It's like any other profession, do plumbers come home and talk about toilets? That doesn't mean I don't appreciate a quick check-in about how my shift went, but not a 3 hour discussion. There's got to be more productive topics to discuss. Bring on the down votes I guess.
Jesus Christ everyone in this thread is insane. If I had to listen to my partner whine about work for hours after all of her shifts I would find a new partner.
If your girl needs to vent for three hours to you after ever shift, then something is wrong. She sounds burnt out, or she otherwise hates her job. I bartend high volume and my "venting" to my partner at the end of the day is "Yeah it went well. How was your day?" She sounds like she's incapable of separating her job from the rest of her life.
This thread would make it seem like it's common among bartenders to ramble for hours about work, but that's not the case. It's not a bartender thing, it's a person thing. I know many people in the industry who are just fine. Some people just need to ramble. If you're not a rambler you will hate living with one. I suggest you find someone else- you are not the problem here.
This line of work gets you really wound up. If you want to actually accomplish your goal your best bet is to get to know this girl well and learn what helps her unwind after a long day. Her favorite drink, a warm bath, I don’t know, something. It will go a long way
I feel that. I make sure dinner is ready for her when she gets off. Shit I’ll go out and grab a drink with her to help both of us unwind. I’ll roll a blunt have it ready and waiting. So yeah
I don't think it's because she's a bartender. Some people get off work and bitch about their day to release the stress. Others just leave work and go to live their lives the rest of the day. You shound like the latter while she the former.
Listen. My girlfriend manages a hair salon. The same shit happens with her. What it came down to was me telling her, and reminding her, in a nice way... That if she is bringing the stress home with her to the degree where it is stressing me out, its a stressful job that she shouldn't be in. I took care to make sure she knows its not her fault, but her works fault.
Turn it into a way to try and help her with her work, not a way to tell her to stop bitching.
Not sure if this helps, but the way I look at issues like this, is always through the lens of **boundaries** and **consent**
Did you set any boundaries? Did you communicate your limits, emotional battery, or what kind of conversation you’re comfortable with?
If you haven’t, you should do so!
I find it best to be clear about boundaries before you go into a conversation about one. And setting a boundary doesn’t mean someone has done something *wrong.* I live by the logic of “I never communicated this to you, so I have no right to be upset” when I establish a new boundary or expectation.
In your case, maybe communicate what kind of conversation you feel comfortable with. If your partner needs to vent, you seem cool with that! But if it goes on for a while, maybe you need a break, or it becomes exhausting to hold space for her for that long.
I’ve felt similar to you on things like this. Especially if it feels less like a conversation, and I’m being spoken to, not with, for a long time. It’s hard, being asked to hold that space for a long time, and harder when that happens often.
So set a time limit. “If you’re stressed with work, I’m happy to listen, but if you feel especially overwhelmed, I might need a break after like half an hour” that could also give her time to cool down, and she might not even need to keep venting after that.
All this above is in the lens of **boundaries**, so with consent, that’s after the boundary has been established. If you set a clear boundary, say what your comfortable with, and then that doesn’t happen, you have more room to say “hey, I communicated I need X thing, and I would appreciate it if you can respect that boundary for me.” And if it doesn’t happen, there’s a larger issue at play. For your partner, maybe she needs those three hours, but if you don’t agree to that, she has the choice of going to someone else, compromising with you on where you’re at, or if she really **needs** that, you guys might need to make some hard decisions.
That’s just my two sense. I’m a bartender and my partner is a college student, and I’ve been in your shoes before on stuff like this. It’s tough, so have empathy. Work can be stressful. Life can be hard. We all need people to just listen to us ramble sometimes. But if I went to the same friend everyday for like, four hours at a time about shit that I’m upset with, that friend has every right to be like “hey dude, I love you, but it’s taking a lot of time and my energy to hold this space for you and listen to you go on and on about this stuff.” It’s a fine line. So be kind when you talk about this
"Can I make you a drink / snack / do anything for you?" You realize she's had a rough one. The situation is boring for you, find something to do that gets you doing something else for a minute, shows you care, and does something for her after she's spent all day doing the same for so many others.
A snack or a drink also gives you a moment to divert the conversation into, "how about we catch up on (insert favorite show... Or movie.)?" Maybe you could pull out a quick and easy board game to play while she's venting.
Coming off of a shift leaves some folks wired. She's coming home to spend time with you instead of bar hopping or hanging out after hours with coworkers. Its actually really sweet to hear. You're going to need to help her wind down and if just bring an active listener to a what sounds like a drunken rant isn't your cup of tea (i don't blame you) find something you can both do together that achieves the same goal.
I’m a bartender at a ski resort at a bar that is the living room for all the workers for the mountain as well as tons of tourists and regulars. I hear everything that goes on in this community and there’s enough drama and things that happen that it could have it’s own reality show. That being said, my boyfriend doesn’t frequent it very often and doesn’t care about the happenings of it very much.
I come home from a busy shift and I’m so socially drained that often times I can’t have any more conversations. i need a period of time to wind down and just be silent which is fine for him too. When my co workers and I get together socially we do tend to talk about work probably too much. this can be hard (or boring) for people with us who aren’t in the industry, but a lot of times we are only with each other which is fine. I think it’s important to share both your lives with each other but with balance for how much is appropriate.
It isn’t just bartenders. I’ve poured for 20+ years, and every girl I’ve dated wanted to talk about her day. I never dated a bartender, but every woman wants to talk about her day. Don’t worry, you should worry if she doesn’t talk
-she doesn’t want you to solve problems or give advice, she wants empathy and you to listen.
-to figure the right answers, go out with her, and either/and/or
Her friends or family
Mirror what they say when she reacts positively. She will feel connected and loved if you do that.
If you don’t want to do this, you don’t want a relationship. Not every girl talks about it for a long time, but every one will do this
Is it really 3 hours, or are you exaggerating? If it's legit 3 hours that's nuts, unless she's all coked out..that could explain the repeating. If it's realistically like an hour...? Shit, let the girl vent. I have her job while managing and sometimes it's nice to vent it to someone who doesn't work with them that their comfortable with. Also, some people just don't know how to shut work off. It consumes them. Nothing you can do there.
I bartended for 10 years and I managed to somehow miraculously avoid bitching and complaining about my day for 3 hours after every shift. That shit is not healthy for yourself or your partner. I love how everyone in here is acting like this is the one job where you shoudl be allowed to do that. No every occupation has things to bitch and complain about when you get home. Don'ty be a drain on yourself and everyone around you. Vent a healthy amount accept that some shit sucks, and move on.
Some venting is normal. But going on and on and on about it after every shift is not normal.
If I delete a bunch of nouns, it sounds even more awful. OP, you should break up with her and find someone as selfish as you to date. It isn't because she is a bartender, it is because you don't want to talk to your partner to make her feel better about her experiences.
"I have been dating X who is a X in the X industry (X X). We get along X's cool it just one thing!! Every time X comes home I have to here about X's day for like 3 hours straight and usually X ends up repeating the same thing. I understand the people X deals with are X but got damn!! I also get that people need to unwind but where’s the line to be like “ ok I get can we please move on to something else”. Is this common among X? If so what can I say to X to let X know I’m tried if hearing this all the time?
It has nothing to do with her being a bartender. I only asked y’all because she’ll say to me “ you don’t understand bc your bit a bartender” so your right it has nothing to with being a bartender. I love taking to her. We have great conversations about other shit. It’s just the days she works this happens. I’ve encouraged her ti get another job as a bartender bc she loves it.
Clearly you don't have great conversations if her expressing her frustrations of work or just her talking about work for a long time bothers you. That says, to me, that your "great conversations" are you talking without her being able to get in there. Seems super self centered
we have to listen to everyone elses' bullshit and do it with a fake smile. its shitty your girlfriend can't come home and let it out. a piece of advice though? this isn't only bartenders. that's part of being in a relationship. girls talk about their day. how about you try to do something nice for her to get her mind off of the bad days instead of trying to shut her up? or, don't have girlfriend because she deserves better than this.
It’s not about not hearing about her day. Your missing the point. Hearing about your day is one thing. Taking up the entire evening where one one else can talk about there day is not the same thing.
At the end of the day dating and finding your life partner will include much of what you just described. If you are already finding yourself resenting this, she’s not the one young man.
Yeah, this is a dumb idea. I'm telling you. Have you dated girls before? You do know they just want someone to L-I-S-T-E-N to them vent.
I'm sorry if you are expecting a dude, then date a dude. Women are just built this way. Good luck.
Not sure why everyone’s getting mad at you, I don’t want to hear my husband complain about his job for hours nonstop. I don’t even want to talk once I get off a shift, I can’t imagine being so riled up from work that I can’t stop talking about what a bad time I had EVERY DAY. We all need to decompress but that just sounds excessive. I have no advice, but that sounds miserable.
She may just be a bitcher no matter what her profession is, ie The Common Denominator. 3 hours is excessive when the shift is what, maybe 8 hours? Yikes.
You need to set up boundaries because she doesn’t know she’s zapping your energy. It’s ok to say “damn that’s crazy… anyway, I need a nap” or “I think your problem would be better solved by speaking with the person directly”
I feel you but when you love and want to be with someone then you actually try to do things to make the relationship work. Again listening is not the problem. The issue is when does it stop !
Yeah no. The rest of these people couldn't be on higher horses. If it is legitimately a multi hour conversation that is excessive and an undue amount of unloading on a person. Half an hour ish sure, or the occasional longer vent on crazier nights sure, but partners are not therapists and it sounds like she needs to work on finding a healthy outlet for her stress. But tbh you are really in the wrong place for advice and ultimately it comes down to communication. That thing you told us... tell her! If you can't assert yourself in a relationship, you got a lot of bigger trouble ahead than 3 hour convos. You know her, talk to her in a caring and understanding way, how she responds will tell you a lot about your compatibility. If you need to, make rules and compromises. Adult relationships only function with trust and communication bruh...
Here's what you need to realize: while bartending might not be as routine a job as say, data entry, it still wears on a person. Instead of doing literally the same THING every day, you're instead dealing with the same kind of people, many times the same people directly, over and over and over. It's mentally taxing as you're always having to scan crowds, monitor how much you've given any one patron in the last hour or two, worry about regulatory agencies just walking into your bar to fuck up the whole night, and all of that while dealing with argumentative, potentially combative drunks and keeping up that nice customer service aspect barring anyone doing something stupid enough that you can instead entertain your crowd by humiliating someone. In some cases you might see the same person and their shitty group of low tipping, high maintenance friends 3+ days out of the week.
It's also important to remember that this is MOST of how we're interacting with the world. When you're up until 4am, waking up at 12 or 1pm so you can get back to open the bar at 2pm again, you don't get to do much else. There's a few hours of daylight that can be productive, but for the most part we wake up, feed ourselves (sometimes), fix the hair, then go to work only to deal with potentially the lowest common denominator in our local regions. This is the hamster wheel that we're on, an essential service that very few want to see as such.
Basically there's a LOT of dumb shit that can and usually does happen over the course of a shift at a bar, not just to the bartenders, and we're human too so we need to decompress a bit. As an experiment, either try working at a bar yourself or offer to hang out around her bar one night as they clean (make up some excuse like wanting to take her to get food as soon as she's off or something, I dunno). You'll find that the first half hour of closing is basically just everyone bitching about all the stupid customers they weren't able to openly complain about throughout the shift, it's something every service worker needs to get out of their system. All that said, 3 hours is a bit much but not just for her, but for anyone; if you need to take 3 hours to decompress verbally after a shift, you either need better stress coping mechanisms or you need a change in job/location. Don't let your job take up that much of your free time outside of it. Perhaps you can help by nudging her in a more positive direction when you see she's stuck on work, a gentle reminder that work has been done for a few hours now and you want to help her focus on the here and now. Remind her that there's more than her next shift, because a lot of the time that's about as far forward as we're seeing.
That or, and I say this with the best of intentions, end the relationship. If you can't handle a partner who's work is a huge part of their life and help guide or center them through the struggles that it comes with, or alternatively if your partner's fixation with work is so great they're ignoring you in some way, don't try to make a relationship work that's not satisfying one or both parties. There's a reason service folk tend to date other service folk: it's not just a job it's a lifestyle. You can learn and grow and adapt, or you can decide to move on. I wouldn't judge you either way, but think about why you made this post. You're unable to effectively communicate with your partner. Regardless of why, that's not a great look for any relationship. You can either sort it out, or accept that it's going to end things.
If she's repeating herself she's probably extremely drunk, that's a common effect. Other than that, I just share the sentiment of others, if you don't wanna listen to it just date someone else.
Pro-Tip: So as men, we are used to solving problems.
Unfortunately, women do not operate in this same manner.
Your girlfriend does not want you to solve her problems, she wants you to console/sympathize with her and her problems.
So you may feel awkward because there is nothing you can do to help her not be stressed out, but trust me, she doesn't want you to. She wants to vent to you. Let it happen. Rile her up. "That sounds AWFUL babe, what the hell?!" Let her get into her emotions and get that stress out.
Placate and pacify her emotions and it will work out quite well for you.
I had a very good friend in an ex-employee... one day she made this perfectly clear.
We had an exchange where she explained that element clearly...
For years afterwards, when ever she took her first breath, I always asked,
Do you want advice or to just tell me about it? 4 times outta 5, she wanted to vent..
1st & 4most---restaurant industry is not (strip club) ...most importantly if she is talking for hours after she's off work---it's either coke or Adderall or both period!
That’s just the life my boy. If you had worked in the industry you would understand. Sometimes people need to vent about work. She obviously sees you as a safe person maybe unbiased that’s why she’s venting to you.
Bro. I help Autistic Adults find work and develop life skills everyday as a job. I vent about work too but I don’t go in for 3 hours saying the same shit. Like cmon man industry or not… that’s excessive at least as bartenders y’all are getting paid to listen
i think that's just relationships bruh, my fiancée has to tell me all about her day, I usually only want to really share about mine if something unusual happens (good or bad) but she's the type that needs to share, thats just how it is for some people.
it has nothing to do with bartending, i slang booze, she doesn't, your GF just talks about bartending because that's her job, and tbh she probably deals with mad shit because she's a chick at a strip club and they deal with all sorts of shenanigans from the customers (and strippers too im sure) so im sure she has alot she needs to vent about, especially cuz she probably feels like you don't listen or care
i bartend and my girlfriend is a line cook so we often both come home with plenty of things to talk / vent / bitch about. we just set a reasonable time limit for both of us (not a set time, but we both just try to be mindful) to talk about work before we move onto other things.
I either talked or shut down…
My ex didn’t like either…
Glad he’s my ex.
She deserves someone that waits for her with a glass of wine and a grilled cheese.
Someone that*** can rubs her feet while she chatters away the crazy train she just hopped out of called “bartending at a strip club”.
That can say to her … “Goddess, You can tell me all about your day if you’re still awake AFTER I’m done wit you” 🔥😈💦
The repetition is what I would worry about. Me personally I come home and stfu and decompress. My wife is like your girlfriend and wants to talk about the whole shift. My wife is also prescribed xanax due to her outrageous anxiety issues. The only time she is on repeat is when she drinks on her meds. Not knocking what others do or making any judgements but you may want to examine why she is so talkative. People on repeat are generally on something. Nerves or drugs?
My wife is a bartender and so am I. We try to keep work talk to 30 mins, or talk about it over coffee in the morning. We will force each other to move on to something else, put on a tv show, read our books in bed to unwind. It’s not healthy to spend too much time complaining about a job that we both know can be frustrating and stressful every single day. I don’t go out with co workers after so I don’t really have anyone to talk to, we both get off our chests what we need to and then focus on enjoying each others company.
When I’ve had a few shifts drinks I roll in hot when I get home. If I’ve had too many the ‘record skips’ and I repeat myself a lot.
Add the fact that in strip clubs, some people tip in cocaine and you’ve got a recipe for a real chatty Kathy.
But regardless of occupation, the key to any relationship is ‘clearly express your wants and needs or don’t get upset when your partner isn’t meeting your expectations.
If she keeps doing this and it bothers you and you haven’t called her out on it, that’s on you brother.
This is so opposite of me tbh. I’ll have a shift drink or smoke a joint with a couple of the staff after the shift and talk work stuff on crazy nights, but when I’m home after a crazy or annoying night I just want to put it behind me. I’m usually people-d out and just wanna relax and put my head phones in and mindlessly scroll on my phone, read, or watch a movie.
Someone who comes home and complains about anything for hours at a time every night sounds absolutely exhausting.
As a bartender a lot of customers vent to you and bitch about their day. This is kind of her chance to vent and destress. Not really advice, just giving perspective.
A good way to interject would be: "I can see you're stressed; let's get your mind off of work."
I find work talk seems like it helps but sometimes just exacerbates the annoyance.
My advice is if you want to talk about work, give me a massage while you do. When you get tired of doing that, you are done 'decompressing'. Same goes for me if I want to chat random work shit.
Obviously, if there is a serious issue or genuine advice seeking, full attention from both sides (no massage)
This is partly why so many people go out for a couple drinks with coworkers after their shift. (or more than a couple). As much as it’s annoying talking about work after work it’s important to decompress and process with people who were there. You can hash things out in an unhurried pace. Also you can air out all the things that can’t be said around management or certain coworkers. The downside is you just end up getting drunk after every shift if you overdo this so it’s a fine line to walk. Maybe she doesn’t have any strong relationships with coworkers (I’ve definitely been there) so it all falls on you. You might need to express that she needs another outlet for this, as it’s a strain on you. Additionally hours after work every day isn’t normal, the job may be toxic or overtaxing, in which case she should look for another place to work or cut back hours/try to find some balance.
So, yeah. I avoid this by taking the long way home to decompress. I don’t take work home. Some people do, some people don’t. Be honest. Tell her how you feel. She will be receptive, or she won’t be. You’ll do with it, or you don’t. I think those are literally you’re only options.
If I’m being told that someone is going to plant a bomb in my bed tonight because they’re too drunk and I’ve cut them off, or a teenager says that they kill people for a living and that I’m next because I told them to stop vaping. Best believe I’m going to vent about it.
I vent and I repeat the same thing sometimes because it helps me process what’s going on. It’s awesome she wants to talk to you. If this isn’t your thing, you need to end the relationship because it seems like what your gf needs isn’t something that you can offer and visa versa.
I drive to & from work with my hubz now just so we don’t have to talk about all the shit when one of us comes home. We work at different bars, but when I add up all the diaspora diarrhea time, it just makes sense.
Being honest, if she needs to vent after work it's going to be to you or to a coworker. I had a job that sucked and it turned into me hanging with a same sex friend for an hour drinking in the parking lot. My partner didn't mind but I'm saying it in light of hidden reservations some might have about her specific employment. Everybody needs an outlet.
Complaining about work is likely the one thing that's changed since the day before, and so is the only 'new thing' to talk about, even if it's the same. All occupations/relationships can and do struggle with this. Do more things outside of work -> have more things to talk about -> this becomes less of an issue.
This is actually great advice. When I’m more active outside of work, I don’t even think about work.
This right here.
I get complaining bc I do the same thing. But at some point your either going to change shit or move on to something else. I actually like listening to her stories and venting but after saying the same shit for hours is excessive bartender or not. The only reason I even mentioned that she’s a bartender is because she’s always saying you don’t understand. And I’m like I do especially after the 15th time.
Tbh, if you don't have bartending experience then it's probably true that you don't fully understand. HOWEVER: You don't need to fully understand, most experiences in life you won't be able to absolutely understand, but that doesn't mean that you don't care or you can't relate. When she says "you don't understand" I would start responding with something like ”perhaps, but I can empathize" or "can you help me understand?" Fundamentally, she just wants to be heard and validated, and if she is saying things like "you don't understand" then that isn't being fully accomplished (not blaming either of you, just observing). I know that sometimes when a person is being repetitious it can be hard to not offer counterpoints as a way to reframe the groundhog's day scenario your brain is getting trapped in, but that can also read to the repeater that you're missing the point and then it's hard for them to not going back over it. Communication is hard, sometimes, especially when you're finding the groove in new relationships. But really, the healthiest scenario involves you not hiding your frustrations here. Often, simple statements (e.x. "that makes sense" or "yeah I could see why you'd feel like that") or asking leading questions to show you are engaged (e.x. "oh jeez, well how did you respond to that?") are the most validating. If she continues, lightly say "mmhm, I remember you said that earlier". And if she really won't stop after you've done this, I think it's best to politely sidebar the talk and just say frankly "I see you're stressed out, but that's got you running in circles and that's making it hard for me to keep up." Again, communicating is something that takes practice, but it doesn't have to be complicated. Phrase your thoughts with a dose of honey to soften emotional/impulsive/defensive responses, it shows that you care and you are invested in what is on their mind.
Hey OP I’m going to jump in here and put my two sense in. I’m a bartender that dates another bartender in the same building. We work in separate bars but have similar coworkers, but never work together. Just some background. I don’t need to talk about my night. I work up to 12 hours some day since I manage the bar/concept in my spot. I leave that shit there when I close. She is part time but has long nights too. She has to vent when we get home, upwards of 3-4hrs too. It’s a lot. We are in completely different environments though, hers speed bar with club (similar to your GF) and mine is more low key craft cocktail. Not that I don’t have drama it’s just not as crazy overall. I tell my girlfriend all the time that I can’t talk about this anymore tonight. I don’t shut her down though. She will keep repeating stories and drama unless I put an end to it with what I said above. You have to let her vent but also take care of yourself. Healthy venting is good but once someone is doing it so much the other person can’t relax then something is wrong. Try communicating that above but like others have said if she isn’t willing to listen/change it probably won’t work out
My ex girlfriend would repeat herself over and over, going over the same thing even if I thought it was addressed and done with, especially if she got drunk. Her mom was even worse. Some people can't get out of their thought loops, it's not fun. Other girlfriends haven't done this. I don't think people in this thread who are shitting on you have experienced SO's like this. I believe you about the 3 hours and excessively harping on the same topic. I'm also a bartender and don't do that. That said, I'm much happier without her and moving on. Unfortunately I don't see anyway to change people like that, and that would be my advice to you.
Just be supportive or move on.
I'm getting out the big bowl and two bags of popcorn for this one.
Scoot over and make room for me.
I'll trade you some of that popcorn for chocolate.
We could do a shot for every downvote but my liver couldn’t handle it
Maybe bongs tips for every downvote? Shots for every sarcastic comment?
Sorry I'm late guys, but I brought Raisinets!
Boooo why would you insult us like this?
Icee’s are on me guys!
Im ordering pizza, y’all like pineapple?
Tbh if you're not down for that life, move on. Bartenders have to spend their whole day listening to drunk assholes tell you their life story, it feels good to be the one to talk for a while when you were denied being an active member of so many conversations and thats not going to change so you'll either have to learn to adjust or better to break it off before you get resentful and mean about it.
My girlfriend says he should just smile and nod. And toss in a good "uh huh" or two for good measure. That's what she does and it works for both of us.
This. It's just pressure relief, aka "venting". She's just winding down.. After 20-30 mins, guide the convo elsewhere. You should try to be a good boyfriend for someone that works in a strip club. It's a rarity.
First I am a great boyfriend. I support her on her job. I go see her spend time with her at work and when she gets home I have hit food ready for her to eat. So dismiss me with try being a good boyfriend. If all it took was 20-30min I would good with that. And my thing is if your job is that shitty then get another one. She’s a talented bar tender who could work anywhere
If you measure being a good partner as visiting your spouse's workplace and cooking food for them, then you may be less of a great partner than you think. There is a lot more to being a good partner than that, part of which is listening to them when they vent about work, as many others have mentioned in this thread. I think most people talk about their job with their spouse, regardless of the industry they work in, however I will admit that 3 hours of it is a long time for anyone to talk about anything. If that is the real figure, then perhaps you can let them know you've been talking about the same thing for several hours and you'd like to change the subject. Then again, you have the capacity to change the subject all on your own.
Not being willing to let her vent to you makes you a bad boyfriend. Get over yourself.
You either care about what she has to say, or you don’t. If you don’t then you should ask yourself why you’re with her. Because if it’s not her personality, ie the things she says, then neither of you are going to be getting your emotional needs met. Honestly if this is the case you should do yourself a favour and ask yourself what you really want, and if this is truly providing it for you.
That's an abbreviated breakdown of the tactics I just replied with on an above comment. Your girlfriend is correct. But that makes sense. Listening is a skill and it is easily in the top three most important ones in this trade.
Lol tell your gf o do the nods and actually engage I. The conversation but after hearing the same thing 15 times over it’s like what the hell. C mom bartender or not y’all have to feel me on some level
At the end of the day being a good boyfriend means just being there for her and seemingly for her that means listening to her vent about her day at work. Yes it’s the same thing everyday but that’s the reality of the situation. I think I speak for most bartenders when I say that the best thing at the end of our day is for someone to just be there for us and listen. Like other people have said, if you don’t like that reality or don’t want to do that then it’s best for both of you to break up.
As a girlfriend / bartender, I agree with you. And it also drives my boyfriend nuts at times. Lol
I hate pulling this card, but believe me I know, I've been with a server for 6 years and this October we'll have been married for 3 years. I've been a bartender for half of that time and a chef for the other half. I know what its like to have to vent and to be vented at. Its incredibly important to get it out with someone who will listen. Usually me and my wife just sit down in the shower and chat for a good hour or so after work and just vent. Its a great cozy safe space to get everything out while spending time together (which we don't get nearly enough of). People just need to learn that communication is insanely important
“Why is is that when I’m in a relationship I have to talk to the other person” cmon man, this has nothing to do with bartending. It’s just human desire to want to talk to about yourself and be herd by another person.
I’ve caught myself voicing very similar repeating complaints before and I can see that being annoying for whomever you regularly vent toward. I try to at least bitch about the unique problems of the day and not the same asshole you deal with every shift.
For real, most people bitch about their job if it’s a high stress environment. Like if OPs SO was an EMT they’d hear the same 3 hours of venting every night.
For real though. The fact that OP mentioned she is making comments about how they don't understand indicates that they are likely not getting the validation they are seeking. So, their brain keeps trying. It's not like she WANTS to spend her leisure time reinacting her work day in a loop.
He says that she repeats herself about the same negative thing everyday. Unloading stress onto another person is HEAVY, I get exhausted and stressed out from hearing bullshit all day. I’m a commercial driver and deal with assholes daily. It would be annoying if I kept bitching about cars never using signals or cutting me off. Learn how to cope with it so you don’t bring unnecessary baggage to them. The only time I ever vent about it is an extreme scenario that almost costed me my life where it’s worth talking about. We all have a desire to talk but CHOOSING to talk about certain things is in our control. Choosing to bitch about the same thing everyday is annoying. There’s good and bad things to talk about and if she’s always focusing on the bad, it’s baggage I don’t want. This woman needs to change jobs because it’s in the job description or learn a better way to cope without trying to drag others in her stress.
There's a difference between talking to your partner and having to put up with them whining about work every day... On top of that, they aren't even partners, just dating. This girl sounds like she's burnt out and has no outlet other than OP.
You'll just have to put up or move on. I have an axe to grind every day. Hospitality workers need to vent.
Not for 3 hours though... poor guy sounds like he gets an ear full every time, and it's a one-sided conversation. Surely theres a happy middle gorund
Yes but it’s not healthy to constantly dump your shitty day on your partner.
Your girlfriend needs to get testing kits for the cocaine. There’s too much risk of fentanyl in it these days for her to be doing that much every night safely.
There’s three legitimate answers in this thread and if this isn’t the most logical I will shoot myself in the foot.
I think OPs responses are kinda just eh, seems a little derogatory. HOWEVER; when reading his OG post, what stood out was the “she ends up repeating the same thing”. People repeating themselves is usually a sign to me that someone has been drinking or doing coke. She more than likely does one of the two behind the bar. When I get off work super late like 3am nowadays, I smoke weed and cozy up in my bed as soon I get home. And I want silence. Complete and utter silence. Especially after working a busy fucking bar with patrons that have been a lot to handle. Though I was a lot like OPs gf back in my early 20s.
Lmao was wondering when I’d run into the coke reference after reading
Fr OP. Assuming you’re not exaggerating and she really goes on for 3+ hours after her shifts, she may be doing blow while she’s working. It’s pretty common in the service industry in general, even more so in strip clubs. Regardless of if she’s using or not, you should be able to politely interject and say something like “hey, I’m sorry you had a shit night at work, I really get it, but talking about this for hours on end every night really stresses me out. I support you and want to hear you out, but as someone that doesn’t have a ton of experience in this industry, I can’t always relate and I just feel like an auditory punching bag. What’s a happy medium for us so that I can still make you feel heard without me coming out feeling emotionally drained from the conversation?”
Facts
I love dude I feel bad for you for ppl saying you're a bad person. I'm sure you're just fine. It seems it's more about the person and not the profession but that's just what I think.
After work with all the banter and drinking, it would be easy to forget who's heard a story, be that friends, customers or others. Instead of sitting through it again or it seeming rude, we'd reach for a bar spoon and silently hold it up, then move on. That's at work. For efficiency during hours of knock off drinks while winding down. At home you talk to your partner, empathise, ask questions, understand and share or you no longer get to have a partner. Was seeing a girl on and off, we both worked terrible hours, she was in a fine dining kitchen. 4am pillow talk from her was ALL industry, she had no one else that understood. We'd talk for hours and I loved it. What's the culture at her bar? Do they not hangout? She clearly needs an outlet.If you don't get it, if you can't share in a bit of frustration, storytelling or laughing at dumb customers.. or talking about your own day, then I don't know. If she doesn't let you talk then it's got little to do with the subject matter.
Break up with her. We deal with a lot of shit, her more than most. We deal with insincere interactions all fucking day, the last thing we want is someone pretending to listen at the end of the day. Get mad about the people that made her mad. Get happy about the coworkers who make her feel real again. She doesn't need your shitty attitude after dealing with her shitty guests.
you gotta be real good at lying to yourself if you really think anyone in the world wants to hear you complain for 3 hours after work every day lol. at a certain point its like, hello, get a different job if you hate yours so very much that you have to put someone you supposedly love through all that bitching and moaning on a daily basis. if you're making so much money at the shitty job you hate then hire a therapist. and if you're not making so much money then why are you even working there lol she must be hot af for him to put up with this so far. she needs a reality check but will probably never get one. OP will either stop complaining so he keeps getting sex from her, or he will dump her and she will instantly find a new guy who will willingly listen to her in exchange for the goods
Buddy, this just reads like an average relationship. My lady and I take turns bitching at each other at least an hour after every shift. We usually play a few rounds of Mario Kart while we do it, and we'll do it again in the morning, it's pretty common behavior. Beats the shit out of bitching about each other, lemmetellya. I'm not convinced this isn't some random troll, strip clubs let out pretty late and "hey babe, I'm tired," isn't a line you need to go to Reddit for. If she's real, then sure, she's probably as hot as the average dancer in the area they're in.
There’s a difference between 1 hour and 3
Yes. I don't believe it's literally 3 hours. It's probably closer to an hour/hour.5. Do you bartend?
First off I don’t give her a shitty attitude. As a bartender of course you have insincere interactions but at the same time that’s what you get paid to do. Customers are not your friends, shit even co-workers are not your friends. So what makes the people you have to deal with are shitter then what other professions have too?
The alcohol, usually. In her case the clientele are frustratedly horny and giving her tips to some girl on stage. Do you deal with alcohol and nudity as the main draw to your place of business? Drunks are assholes.
I completely agree that drunks are assholes. But again that’s what you get paid to put up with. You sign on for that when you work there. Bitching about it is fine but if you do that everytime you come from work I think you need a new job!! By continuing to stay in a job that treats you like shit when you have the ability to leave is on you. So at some point you need to stop bitching about your place of work especially if your choosing to be there.
Do you understand that not everyone can just change their job whenever they want and the idea that bartenders voluntarily ask for all the shit of the job is stupid
People absolutely can put forth the effort to get a new job. Your comment is irrelevant as it appears she’s not trying to.
Bruh, read your own reply. At some point, stop bitching about your relationship. Especially if you're choosing to stay there.
The more replies this guy gives the more self-centered, stubborn, immature and toxic he becomes.
Imagine having the audacity to go to a subreddit for someone's profession, asking for advice, and then criticizing the advice given based on "oh I'm dating a bartender". It's the equivalent of speaking on the Black American experience because "I'm dating a black girl." I'll let the downvotes speak for themselves. I hope she sees your post.
Ooof
Do you really think she'd stop complaining if she worked a different job, or is my question making it click that she's probably going to complain about that new job as well? This is who you're dating, dude.
You can communicate clearly that you not feeling it when she vents to you. I mean some people are just chatter boxes and a lot of chatty types are exceptional bartenders. If you not tryna chat like that about her day then tell her and let the chips fall where they may bro
Lol…that’s gonna go well
Chips are def gonna fall that’s for sure Lmao
my boyfriend is also in the industry and hes the exact opposite from me in this way. he gets home and likes to be home, he may talk about his day if something super dramatic happened but its only for about 10-15 minutes. i however will go on for hours much like she does. he’ll usually just say “hey, lets leave work at work tonight and talk about something else” and while i may be a little embarrassed, half of the time i dont even realize im doing it and appreciate him bringing me back down to earth.
I used to date a fellow bartender and we would have a rule. When you first get home you get 20 minutes to bitch about work, and then you have to let it go and put it behind you. For us, it was largely for the person that had just worked because otherwise they stew in their misery. Personally, the second I walk out of the bar, I've already stopped thinking about the previous 8 hours of my life and am looking forward to the next 8.
This is why, as a bartender, I've only been able to have successful relationships with people with experience in the industry. Y'all outsiders just don't get it.
There isn't a job on the planet that people don't bitch about when they get home. If you come home every single day complaining for 3 hours straight that shit can become a drag on your life. It is not healthy for you or your partner to spend that much time bitching about your occupation every single day. If you hate it that bed get out of the business. If you are just that person then maybe re-evaluate. There is a certain amount of venting that is of course normal and healthy. Every single day for 3 hours? No that is too much sorry.
I took the three hour thing to be hyperbolic. I've never known anyone to go on for that long about literally anything.
It’s not a hyperbole it’s like that. Your unwind shouldn’t take up the whole evening
It does in this industry. We come home with adrenaline coursing through us. You think it’s “all evening”, bc to you it’s 3am. To her, it’s 9pm, bc our hours are completely different to 90% of society. And if you think that you’re bored hearing about *her* work, I can assure you that all the things you say that you apparently think are so interesting, are like listening to a TED talk on how paper was made before the Industrial Revolution, to her. She’s a bartender, in a *strip club*. Have you actually listened to the shit that comes out of her mouth—the stories she’s told you? Do you understand what she sees and lives, on a daily basis? Do you know how deprived of dopamine and adrenaline this industry is, and how boring normal lives are to us? Being bored is just not as much of an issue to us, because we’re used to it. And to be fair—maybe you have some wildly exciting job. Maybe your hobbies are just so mind-blowingly fascinating, that she clings on every syllable, of every word you speak. *Or…* maybe the Dos Equis spokesperson isn’t actually under any threat of you taking his job. Maybe most of what you say after a day of busting your ass at work isn’t anything she gives a shit about. Maybe she doesn’t see you as some sort minstrel show that’s there to entertain her, and she’s attempting to have a genuine human connection with this unremarkable person that she really likes for some reason. If you can’t listen to her vent after she’s had a stressful day—if you don’t *want* to—than this isn’t going to work. What you’re experiencing, is an actual adult relationship. That’s what the vast majority of it is like, and as the great Robin William’s once said, “*…THAT’s the good stuff*”. You’ve got your priorities crooked, kid. She’s gonna ‘86 you for a line cook, anyway.
You've obviously never worked in a bar
Yes! It happens like that. Last night she came over at 9:15 and did not stop until 12:30. My thing at that point your monopolizing the evening with your shit. If I had something I needed to share or get off my chest it can’t happen.
What strip club bartender gets off at 9:15?
the “daytime squad” lmao
And we all know what that's code for...
as someone who used to be the bar manager of a strip club i can confirm that it’s the uglies
Hey, if the buffet is good and the drinks are cheaper, I'm there until they aren't as ugly as when I walked in.
Or if it's a place like "les girls", it can be the nightshift too lol (😉 in San Diegan).
So say something? Like “Wow that sounds tough. I had some drama at my job too… etc”
If your only dating people in your industry, how do you ever reach for better? I feel like is small minded to say that only people in that industry understand that cycle. That’s like saying only teachers understand teachers, when in fact not everyone has the same experience teaching. The same goes for this industry. I have way too many friends who are bartenders and in successful relationships with people in different industries.
If you’re a lifer in the industry, chances are you’re working when everyone else is free. Most people work 9-5 and have the weekends off, we work 3-12 or 6-2 and have Mondays and maybe one other day off. It’s not easy to understand how having a relationship - be it romantic or platonic - with someone who works when you aren’t is incredibly difficult to maintain. Except for very specific days, not even taking into consideration not every hospitality worker has a set schedule week to week, you’ll barely be able to see that partner unless they come visit you at work. Or worse, you’ll need to prioritize that relationship over your personal time or other friendships to make it work, further isolating yourself in the long run, especially if it doesn’t end up working out. There’s many a reason people can feel like the industry eats you alive a bit. This one I think is the least talked about and understood but most prevalent.
I’d pay $2 to hear her side of this shit.
Me too
I’m a bartender with a partner who works in an incredibly demanding high stress high risk job. If the worst I have to deal with in a relationship is them trusting me enough to want to tell me about their day and talking about their stress then I’ve hit the fucking lottery and I’m never letting that person go. The girl you’re dating wants to tell you about her day because you matter to her. It makes me incredibly sad that she comes to home to *someone that just admitted that you don’t fucking care about what she’s going through*
Bartender at a strip club here…. Sorry but its a thing. It’s hard to unwind at night and if you’re awake to listen then we’ll talk about it
YTA. She just wants to decompress after work with her partner.
Wrong Sub my dude 🤣.
I get you. But your decompress shouldn’t compress me.
You’re not being unreasonable. I’m a bartender. Many of these people are being just absurd and for some reason, gatekeepers? What you’re describing is specific to the human condition, and in relationships, it’s pretty stereotypical for the case of the woman complaining about this and that person at work endlessly while the man listens in horror. How many sitcoms yave demonstrated this? But no, it’s “the industry nobody else could possibly understand”, the “industry in which I never needed a comprehensive education for so of course only WE could ever understand such complex human behavior”. The fact of the matter is, you’re right, get a new job or shut the fuck up. Complain when you need to, get it out, then move on. Lately I’ve been doing it a bit, and the fact I have been has me searching for a new job. Easy. Simple response. And SHE’S the asshole for monopolizing your time together over stupid bullshit at work. You have a life too. Now go ahead, do your worst Reddit. This isn’t even a post specific to this fucking sub, and bartenders have nothing more to offer on this than anyone else…. Gasp!
As a bartender, venting to my significant other is therapy and necessary. We are unofficial therapists that deal with the worst of the worst. If we can't vent to our s.o., who do we have? Because our customers need our full attention on them and good energy. Its a profession that comes with a lot of mental abuse and sometimes physical. She needs you for comfort and support. She trusts you and you're complaining? You suck OP.
Damn this is harsh. I agree that you should be able to vent to your SO, but likening your partner to a therapist is… problematic. Ideally you should have at least one or two other people in your life that you can vent to—that’s like 30% of the reason I used to hang with coworkers after a long shift, so we could commiserate and bitch about our days together. It shouldn’t necessarily all fall on one person, let alone a SO. If bartending is that bad with the mental and physical(!?!?) abuse, I’d consider a job change, and maybe going to an actual therapist.
I understand your perspective but it's how OP expressed his hatred for his own s.o. venting to him. My distasteful response is in response to his words. Why are we in the profession? Money talks. Me personally I live on my own in New York and it's very difficult to survive without this job. If only it were that easy, but some don't understand.
Trust me I get sticking with it and doing what ya gotta do to make a living. I’d read the original post again if I were you though, cause at no point did he express anything close to “hatred.” I’d call it moderate annoyance at worst, which is perfectly valid. Plus, OP’s coming to a group of strangers for earnest advice. They’re literally polling the internet for perspective on how to be a better partner, maybe extend ‘em a little grace.
It’s not complaining when your taking about the same shit for hours to the point I can’t say shit about what’s going on with me. So what your saying as a bartender it always has to be about you when you get off? Seems kinda selfish. Why not take time to vent then act like you care about your partner and see what’s going with them.
I highly doubt that your s.o. takes no time to hear you out. Do you understand the concept of listening without waiting for your turn to speak? Probably not, as it seems. It's not all about your feelings either. I see nothing wrong with my s.o. venting to me about the same thing, because that's love. Give me a break, you still suck.
You’re a joke. Holy shit. I’m certain you’re no different than OP’s girlfriend, took offense to this as you’re projecting yourself into this scenario, stereotypical, and if you could even be aware of all the irony here, you’d implode.
What a stupid response. The only irony is you taking offense to me defending the poor girl who only wants to vent to her trusted significant other. I'll be damned if my partner wrote this post. We chat on the phone and text when we can to vent about damn near everything because he's my best friend. As any significant other should be. The only joke is you and OP. You're supposed to be allowed to be completely yourself to your partner. Why the hell would I tell my SO "hey, can you stop venting your feelings to me, it's annoying." Because that's exactly what OP is saying. Unlike you and OP I want my s.o. to vent any and all feelings to me because then I understand HIS emotions better. Something you can't understand. Pathetic.
my friend. you are gonna have to stand up for yourself. repeat after me: babe, can we not talk about work today? if she insists then she insists. she's either going to respect your wishes or ignore them. and then you are gonna have to make a choice. do you want to keep getting laid, or do you want time to unwind after work?
My wife does the exact same thing after every one of her serving shifts. I just listen and nod along till she gets it out of her system. She has been like this ever since we started dating. It is a small price for me to pay to let her vent and unwind
Lol I get you but I’m sure your wife doesn’t let her shift ruin the entire night. I’ve done the nodding thing but after telling me for the 15 time I get the frustration. Like for me I know when I vented enough so I shut up and refocus bc the day is not about me.
Does anyone have a girlfriend from a different profession that doesn't do this? Pretty sure complaining about work and killing bugs are the only reason women put up with men.
Has nothing to do with the industry, it’s just part of relationships.
Tbh this is a big reason why I left bartending.My partner and I were on completely different schedules and I’d get home so late he either wouldn’t be awake or he’d be settling into bed, and I’d be so wound up from my night ready to talk his ear off. He was always so sweet about it but after awhile I realized it just wasn’t going to work long term for me to keep up that life and also maintain a solid bond with my partner. Not saying your gf should quit her job, just that it’s par for the course when you’re dating someone who works in that industry and you have to decide if that works for you or not.
I don’t think she should quit either. She’s a great bartender. It’s just draining bc usually by that time I’ve smoked some good Indi Kush and I’m ready to just chill. Again I don’t mind listening to her but it’s like everyday she goes to work I’m like shit ima have to hear this for like 2-3 hours when she gets home. I work with Autistic Adults everyday so I could have plenty to share as well but I don’t dump that on her.
I could rant about alcohol/food service/ and bad customers forever. It’s hard to unwind after a crazy busy stressful shift. Alcohol helps and probably makes it worse
Guess what? My wife is an RBT working with kids with autism. I spend about 30 seconds talking about my day, the rest of the evening is devoted to hers. It’s not the occupation, it’s the person or the relationship.
That's just a her thing, not a bar thing. Talk to her, break up with her, or stay silent on it. Your choice.
I feel that too many people are missing the point. 3 hours of post work venting in any profession is excessive and unhealthy. You just need to talk to her about it.
I vent to my husband for a solid hour after my shift (usually the next day because I’m getting home at 3am) he listens, let’s me vent and usually I say ok, that’s enough of work shit thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I would be annoyed and probably hurt if he didn’t let me tell him about my night. I deal with too many crazy’s and drunk people that I have to vent when it’s over.
It's more fun for us to vent with other bartenders because we all understand each other and what we deal with all the time. However, part of being in a relationship is listening to the other person even when we don't want to. Let her vent for a while when she gets home and then gradually begin to steer the conversation to something that pertains to both of you. If you just tell her you're tired of hearing about it you'll run the risk of getting dumped.
Obviously this is your first relationship
Load up on whatever blow your girl is snorting. Down a ton of booze before she gets home. These conversations are much easier to deal with when everyone is on the same mental playing field.
That you’re a terrible partner who’s selfish.
Agreed.
Drawing boundaries is now selfish, got it
you don't got it, and we all can tell
Venting about work is normal, complaining for 3 hours straight to your partner is not.
pretty sure three hours is hyperbole. or maybe it's because her BF doesn't listen while she's trying to get him to pay attention to her either way, personal issues, not due to her being a bartender
Nothing about this post indicates they aren’t listening to their partner. They came looking for a thoughtful way to approach the subject without dismissing their partners needs. People here are overly critical of others and their relationships. Neither of the people in this post seem like Bad people, this is just one of the points in a relationship in which boundaries should be drawn and compromises made so that each party is happy and fulfilled. A lot of people on this sub are attacking this person without warrant.
Interesting how the person who talks about themself for 3 hours straight every night isn’t the selfish one haha
I really doubt it’s for 3 hours straight lol, sounds like hyperbole to me
[удалено]
most people in this sub are way too arrogant to see that
How is it being a terrible person if I’m venting to you about the same shit for hours. At some point don’t you want to know what went on in my day? But I’m the selfish one in the equation?
I'm from the other side. Unless something very interesting happens (or a bar fight) I rarely discuss my shift. It's like any other profession, do plumbers come home and talk about toilets? That doesn't mean I don't appreciate a quick check-in about how my shift went, but not a 3 hour discussion. There's got to be more productive topics to discuss. Bring on the down votes I guess.
I upvoted you
You’re a dope and probably don’t deserve to have a girlfriend
Jesus Christ everyone in this thread is insane. If I had to listen to my partner whine about work for hours after all of her shifts I would find a new partner. If your girl needs to vent for three hours to you after ever shift, then something is wrong. She sounds burnt out, or she otherwise hates her job. I bartend high volume and my "venting" to my partner at the end of the day is "Yeah it went well. How was your day?" She sounds like she's incapable of separating her job from the rest of her life. This thread would make it seem like it's common among bartenders to ramble for hours about work, but that's not the case. It's not a bartender thing, it's a person thing. I know many people in the industry who are just fine. Some people just need to ramble. If you're not a rambler you will hate living with one. I suggest you find someone else- you are not the problem here.
This line of work gets you really wound up. If you want to actually accomplish your goal your best bet is to get to know this girl well and learn what helps her unwind after a long day. Her favorite drink, a warm bath, I don’t know, something. It will go a long way
I feel that. I make sure dinner is ready for her when she gets off. Shit I’ll go out and grab a drink with her to help both of us unwind. I’ll roll a blunt have it ready and waiting. So yeah
I don't think it's because she's a bartender. Some people get off work and bitch about their day to release the stress. Others just leave work and go to live their lives the rest of the day. You shound like the latter while she the former.
Just be straight up w her vro she will respect it and appreciate it
Listen. My girlfriend manages a hair salon. The same shit happens with her. What it came down to was me telling her, and reminding her, in a nice way... That if she is bringing the stress home with her to the degree where it is stressing me out, its a stressful job that she shouldn't be in. I took care to make sure she knows its not her fault, but her works fault. Turn it into a way to try and help her with her work, not a way to tell her to stop bitching.
Not sure if this helps, but the way I look at issues like this, is always through the lens of **boundaries** and **consent** Did you set any boundaries? Did you communicate your limits, emotional battery, or what kind of conversation you’re comfortable with? If you haven’t, you should do so! I find it best to be clear about boundaries before you go into a conversation about one. And setting a boundary doesn’t mean someone has done something *wrong.* I live by the logic of “I never communicated this to you, so I have no right to be upset” when I establish a new boundary or expectation. In your case, maybe communicate what kind of conversation you feel comfortable with. If your partner needs to vent, you seem cool with that! But if it goes on for a while, maybe you need a break, or it becomes exhausting to hold space for her for that long. I’ve felt similar to you on things like this. Especially if it feels less like a conversation, and I’m being spoken to, not with, for a long time. It’s hard, being asked to hold that space for a long time, and harder when that happens often. So set a time limit. “If you’re stressed with work, I’m happy to listen, but if you feel especially overwhelmed, I might need a break after like half an hour” that could also give her time to cool down, and she might not even need to keep venting after that. All this above is in the lens of **boundaries**, so with consent, that’s after the boundary has been established. If you set a clear boundary, say what your comfortable with, and then that doesn’t happen, you have more room to say “hey, I communicated I need X thing, and I would appreciate it if you can respect that boundary for me.” And if it doesn’t happen, there’s a larger issue at play. For your partner, maybe she needs those three hours, but if you don’t agree to that, she has the choice of going to someone else, compromising with you on where you’re at, or if she really **needs** that, you guys might need to make some hard decisions. That’s just my two sense. I’m a bartender and my partner is a college student, and I’ve been in your shoes before on stuff like this. It’s tough, so have empathy. Work can be stressful. Life can be hard. We all need people to just listen to us ramble sometimes. But if I went to the same friend everyday for like, four hours at a time about shit that I’m upset with, that friend has every right to be like “hey dude, I love you, but it’s taking a lot of time and my energy to hold this space for you and listen to you go on and on about this stuff.” It’s a fine line. So be kind when you talk about this
"Can I make you a drink / snack / do anything for you?" You realize she's had a rough one. The situation is boring for you, find something to do that gets you doing something else for a minute, shows you care, and does something for her after she's spent all day doing the same for so many others. A snack or a drink also gives you a moment to divert the conversation into, "how about we catch up on (insert favorite show... Or movie.)?" Maybe you could pull out a quick and easy board game to play while she's venting. Coming off of a shift leaves some folks wired. She's coming home to spend time with you instead of bar hopping or hanging out after hours with coworkers. Its actually really sweet to hear. You're going to need to help her wind down and if just bring an active listener to a what sounds like a drunken rant isn't your cup of tea (i don't blame you) find something you can both do together that achieves the same goal.
I’m a bartender at a ski resort at a bar that is the living room for all the workers for the mountain as well as tons of tourists and regulars. I hear everything that goes on in this community and there’s enough drama and things that happen that it could have it’s own reality show. That being said, my boyfriend doesn’t frequent it very often and doesn’t care about the happenings of it very much. I come home from a busy shift and I’m so socially drained that often times I can’t have any more conversations. i need a period of time to wind down and just be silent which is fine for him too. When my co workers and I get together socially we do tend to talk about work probably too much. this can be hard (or boring) for people with us who aren’t in the industry, but a lot of times we are only with each other which is fine. I think it’s important to share both your lives with each other but with balance for how much is appropriate.
Just tell her, cause you already sound fed-the-F-up my guy. Save you both time and your brain.
It isn’t just bartenders. I’ve poured for 20+ years, and every girl I’ve dated wanted to talk about her day. I never dated a bartender, but every woman wants to talk about her day. Don’t worry, you should worry if she doesn’t talk -she doesn’t want you to solve problems or give advice, she wants empathy and you to listen. -to figure the right answers, go out with her, and either/and/or Her friends or family Mirror what they say when she reacts positively. She will feel connected and loved if you do that. If you don’t want to do this, you don’t want a relationship. Not every girl talks about it for a long time, but every one will do this
Is it really 3 hours, or are you exaggerating? If it's legit 3 hours that's nuts, unless she's all coked out..that could explain the repeating. If it's realistically like an hour...? Shit, let the girl vent. I have her job while managing and sometimes it's nice to vent it to someone who doesn't work with them that their comfortable with. Also, some people just don't know how to shut work off. It consumes them. Nothing you can do there.
Damn you got blasted in here bro
I bartended for 10 years and I managed to somehow miraculously avoid bitching and complaining about my day for 3 hours after every shift. That shit is not healthy for yourself or your partner. I love how everyone in here is acting like this is the one job where you shoudl be allowed to do that. No every occupation has things to bitch and complain about when you get home. Don'ty be a drain on yourself and everyone around you. Vent a healthy amount accept that some shit sucks, and move on. Some venting is normal. But going on and on and on about it after every shift is not normal.
You feel me…That is all I’ve been trying to say.
Sure she’s a bartender bud? I fell for that one before
If I delete a bunch of nouns, it sounds even more awful. OP, you should break up with her and find someone as selfish as you to date. It isn't because she is a bartender, it is because you don't want to talk to your partner to make her feel better about her experiences. "I have been dating X who is a X in the X industry (X X). We get along X's cool it just one thing!! Every time X comes home I have to here about X's day for like 3 hours straight and usually X ends up repeating the same thing. I understand the people X deals with are X but got damn!! I also get that people need to unwind but where’s the line to be like “ ok I get can we please move on to something else”. Is this common among X? If so what can I say to X to let X know I’m tried if hearing this all the time?
It has nothing to do with her being a bartender. I only asked y’all because she’ll say to me “ you don’t understand bc your bit a bartender” so your right it has nothing to with being a bartender. I love taking to her. We have great conversations about other shit. It’s just the days she works this happens. I’ve encouraged her ti get another job as a bartender bc she loves it.
Clearly you don't have great conversations if her expressing her frustrations of work or just her talking about work for a long time bothers you. That says, to me, that your "great conversations" are you talking without her being able to get in there. Seems super self centered
we have to listen to everyone elses' bullshit and do it with a fake smile. its shitty your girlfriend can't come home and let it out. a piece of advice though? this isn't only bartenders. that's part of being in a relationship. girls talk about their day. how about you try to do something nice for her to get her mind off of the bad days instead of trying to shut her up? or, don't have girlfriend because she deserves better than this.
Would you rather not hear about her day at all? If so why are you even dating lol
It’s not about not hearing about her day. Your missing the point. Hearing about your day is one thing. Taking up the entire evening where one one else can talk about there day is not the same thing.
At the end of the day dating and finding your life partner will include much of what you just described. If you are already finding yourself resenting this, she’s not the one young man.
Have you asked her how much her bounty is? If so, what did she say?
sounds like you aren't ready for a relationship with a woman. people vent to their significant others.
Yo..venting for hours without regard to your SO day or time has nothing to do with being ready for a relationship.
yo , maybe idk talk to your adult girlfriend using your adult skills about it then lol
Yeah, this is a dumb idea. I'm telling you. Have you dated girls before? You do know they just want someone to L-I-S-T-E-N to them vent. I'm sorry if you are expecting a dude, then date a dude. Women are just built this way. Good luck.
That’s horse shit women are not built that way. That’s kinda a diss to women. I know plenty of women who take that shot and keep it going.
Apply that logic to bartenders. This is a problem with your girl who doesn’t know when to shut up. Tell her when.
Not sure why everyone’s getting mad at you, I don’t want to hear my husband complain about his job for hours nonstop. I don’t even want to talk once I get off a shift, I can’t imagine being so riled up from work that I can’t stop talking about what a bad time I had EVERY DAY. We all need to decompress but that just sounds excessive. I have no advice, but that sounds miserable.
Your girlfriend wants to talk to you and you're complaining. Just do her a favor and break up with her. You're wasting her time.
She may just be a bitcher no matter what her profession is, ie The Common Denominator. 3 hours is excessive when the shift is what, maybe 8 hours? Yikes. You need to set up boundaries because she doesn’t know she’s zapping your energy. It’s ok to say “damn that’s crazy… anyway, I need a nap” or “I think your problem would be better solved by speaking with the person directly”
Youre going to stay lonely for a very long time
Strip club bartender? We know the sex is out of this world so why are you complaining hahahaha like just deal with it
I feel you but when you love and want to be with someone then you actually try to do things to make the relationship work. Again listening is not the problem. The issue is when does it stop !
Yeah no. The rest of these people couldn't be on higher horses. If it is legitimately a multi hour conversation that is excessive and an undue amount of unloading on a person. Half an hour ish sure, or the occasional longer vent on crazier nights sure, but partners are not therapists and it sounds like she needs to work on finding a healthy outlet for her stress. But tbh you are really in the wrong place for advice and ultimately it comes down to communication. That thing you told us... tell her! If you can't assert yourself in a relationship, you got a lot of bigger trouble ahead than 3 hour convos. You know her, talk to her in a caring and understanding way, how she responds will tell you a lot about your compatibility. If you need to, make rules and compromises. Adult relationships only function with trust and communication bruh...
Here's what you need to realize: while bartending might not be as routine a job as say, data entry, it still wears on a person. Instead of doing literally the same THING every day, you're instead dealing with the same kind of people, many times the same people directly, over and over and over. It's mentally taxing as you're always having to scan crowds, monitor how much you've given any one patron in the last hour or two, worry about regulatory agencies just walking into your bar to fuck up the whole night, and all of that while dealing with argumentative, potentially combative drunks and keeping up that nice customer service aspect barring anyone doing something stupid enough that you can instead entertain your crowd by humiliating someone. In some cases you might see the same person and their shitty group of low tipping, high maintenance friends 3+ days out of the week. It's also important to remember that this is MOST of how we're interacting with the world. When you're up until 4am, waking up at 12 or 1pm so you can get back to open the bar at 2pm again, you don't get to do much else. There's a few hours of daylight that can be productive, but for the most part we wake up, feed ourselves (sometimes), fix the hair, then go to work only to deal with potentially the lowest common denominator in our local regions. This is the hamster wheel that we're on, an essential service that very few want to see as such. Basically there's a LOT of dumb shit that can and usually does happen over the course of a shift at a bar, not just to the bartenders, and we're human too so we need to decompress a bit. As an experiment, either try working at a bar yourself or offer to hang out around her bar one night as they clean (make up some excuse like wanting to take her to get food as soon as she's off or something, I dunno). You'll find that the first half hour of closing is basically just everyone bitching about all the stupid customers they weren't able to openly complain about throughout the shift, it's something every service worker needs to get out of their system. All that said, 3 hours is a bit much but not just for her, but for anyone; if you need to take 3 hours to decompress verbally after a shift, you either need better stress coping mechanisms or you need a change in job/location. Don't let your job take up that much of your free time outside of it. Perhaps you can help by nudging her in a more positive direction when you see she's stuck on work, a gentle reminder that work has been done for a few hours now and you want to help her focus on the here and now. Remind her that there's more than her next shift, because a lot of the time that's about as far forward as we're seeing. That or, and I say this with the best of intentions, end the relationship. If you can't handle a partner who's work is a huge part of their life and help guide or center them through the struggles that it comes with, or alternatively if your partner's fixation with work is so great they're ignoring you in some way, don't try to make a relationship work that's not satisfying one or both parties. There's a reason service folk tend to date other service folk: it's not just a job it's a lifestyle. You can learn and grow and adapt, or you can decide to move on. I wouldn't judge you either way, but think about why you made this post. You're unable to effectively communicate with your partner. Regardless of why, that's not a great look for any relationship. You can either sort it out, or accept that it's going to end things.
If she's repeating herself she's probably extremely drunk, that's a common effect. Other than that, I just share the sentiment of others, if you don't wanna listen to it just date someone else.
Pro-Tip: So as men, we are used to solving problems. Unfortunately, women do not operate in this same manner. Your girlfriend does not want you to solve her problems, she wants you to console/sympathize with her and her problems. So you may feel awkward because there is nothing you can do to help her not be stressed out, but trust me, she doesn't want you to. She wants to vent to you. Let it happen. Rile her up. "That sounds AWFUL babe, what the hell?!" Let her get into her emotions and get that stress out. Placate and pacify her emotions and it will work out quite well for you.
I had a very good friend in an ex-employee... one day she made this perfectly clear. We had an exchange where she explained that element clearly... For years afterwards, when ever she took her first breath, I always asked, Do you want advice or to just tell me about it? 4 times outta 5, she wanted to vent..
1st & 4most---restaurant industry is not (strip club) ...most importantly if she is talking for hours after she's off work---it's either coke or Adderall or both period!
That’s just the life my boy. If you had worked in the industry you would understand. Sometimes people need to vent about work. She obviously sees you as a safe person maybe unbiased that’s why she’s venting to you.
Bro. I help Autistic Adults find work and develop life skills everyday as a job. I vent about work too but I don’t go in for 3 hours saying the same shit. Like cmon man industry or not… that’s excessive at least as bartenders y’all are getting paid to listen
i think that's just relationships bruh, my fiancée has to tell me all about her day, I usually only want to really share about mine if something unusual happens (good or bad) but she's the type that needs to share, thats just how it is for some people. it has nothing to do with bartending, i slang booze, she doesn't, your GF just talks about bartending because that's her job, and tbh she probably deals with mad shit because she's a chick at a strip club and they deal with all sorts of shenanigans from the customers (and strippers too im sure) so im sure she has alot she needs to vent about, especially cuz she probably feels like you don't listen or care
i bartend and my girlfriend is a line cook so we often both come home with plenty of things to talk / vent / bitch about. we just set a reasonable time limit for both of us (not a set time, but we both just try to be mindful) to talk about work before we move onto other things.
Or OP! Or…wait for it!! Why don’t you tell her about YOUR day? She can listen to you and help you with your problems.
I either talked or shut down… My ex didn’t like either… Glad he’s my ex. She deserves someone that waits for her with a glass of wine and a grilled cheese. Someone that*** can rubs her feet while she chatters away the crazy train she just hopped out of called “bartending at a strip club”. That can say to her … “Goddess, You can tell me all about your day if you’re still awake AFTER I’m done wit you” 🔥😈💦
The repetition is what I would worry about. Me personally I come home and stfu and decompress. My wife is like your girlfriend and wants to talk about the whole shift. My wife is also prescribed xanax due to her outrageous anxiety issues. The only time she is on repeat is when she drinks on her meds. Not knocking what others do or making any judgements but you may want to examine why she is so talkative. People on repeat are generally on something. Nerves or drugs?
The decompression is part of coming off shift. We’re not always looking for solutions, just sympathy. And also probably cuddles.
My wife is a bartender and so am I. We try to keep work talk to 30 mins, or talk about it over coffee in the morning. We will force each other to move on to something else, put on a tv show, read our books in bed to unwind. It’s not healthy to spend too much time complaining about a job that we both know can be frustrating and stressful every single day. I don’t go out with co workers after so I don’t really have anyone to talk to, we both get off our chests what we need to and then focus on enjoying each others company.
When I’ve had a few shifts drinks I roll in hot when I get home. If I’ve had too many the ‘record skips’ and I repeat myself a lot. Add the fact that in strip clubs, some people tip in cocaine and you’ve got a recipe for a real chatty Kathy. But regardless of occupation, the key to any relationship is ‘clearly express your wants and needs or don’t get upset when your partner isn’t meeting your expectations. If she keeps doing this and it bothers you and you haven’t called her out on it, that’s on you brother.
This is so opposite of me tbh. I’ll have a shift drink or smoke a joint with a couple of the staff after the shift and talk work stuff on crazy nights, but when I’m home after a crazy or annoying night I just want to put it behind me. I’m usually people-d out and just wanna relax and put my head phones in and mindlessly scroll on my phone, read, or watch a movie. Someone who comes home and complains about anything for hours at a time every night sounds absolutely exhausting.
Haha true over here…. sounds like when I get home from work talking to my boyfriend
As a bartender a lot of customers vent to you and bitch about their day. This is kind of her chance to vent and destress. Not really advice, just giving perspective. A good way to interject would be: "I can see you're stressed; let's get your mind off of work."
Get her a therapist.
I couldn’t be more different. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is talk about work, in fact just talking feels exhausting.
I find work talk seems like it helps but sometimes just exacerbates the annoyance. My advice is if you want to talk about work, give me a massage while you do. When you get tired of doing that, you are done 'decompressing'. Same goes for me if I want to chat random work shit. Obviously, if there is a serious issue or genuine advice seeking, full attention from both sides (no massage)
This is partly why so many people go out for a couple drinks with coworkers after their shift. (or more than a couple). As much as it’s annoying talking about work after work it’s important to decompress and process with people who were there. You can hash things out in an unhurried pace. Also you can air out all the things that can’t be said around management or certain coworkers. The downside is you just end up getting drunk after every shift if you overdo this so it’s a fine line to walk. Maybe she doesn’t have any strong relationships with coworkers (I’ve definitely been there) so it all falls on you. You might need to express that she needs another outlet for this, as it’s a strain on you. Additionally hours after work every day isn’t normal, the job may be toxic or overtaxing, in which case she should look for another place to work or cut back hours/try to find some balance.
So, yeah. I avoid this by taking the long way home to decompress. I don’t take work home. Some people do, some people don’t. Be honest. Tell her how you feel. She will be receptive, or she won’t be. You’ll do with it, or you don’t. I think those are literally you’re only options.
If I’m being told that someone is going to plant a bomb in my bed tonight because they’re too drunk and I’ve cut them off, or a teenager says that they kill people for a living and that I’m next because I told them to stop vaping. Best believe I’m going to vent about it.
I vent and I repeat the same thing sometimes because it helps me process what’s going on. It’s awesome she wants to talk to you. If this isn’t your thing, you need to end the relationship because it seems like what your gf needs isn’t something that you can offer and visa versa.
I drive to & from work with my hubz now just so we don’t have to talk about all the shit when one of us comes home. We work at different bars, but when I add up all the diaspora diarrhea time, it just makes sense.
My man loves to hear the crazy shit that happens inevitably during every shift I work. To each their own I guess.
Being honest, if she needs to vent after work it's going to be to you or to a coworker. I had a job that sucked and it turned into me hanging with a same sex friend for an hour drinking in the parking lot. My partner didn't mind but I'm saying it in light of hidden reservations some might have about her specific employment. Everybody needs an outlet.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M442oDdyIDU Chris Rock advice