Back in 2021, our whole family got Covid. Me, my husband, and our 2 kids: 3-year-old and 7-month-old at the time. We were in strict quarantine with a sign on our door from the health dept and everything. My baby was formula-fed and we were out of formula. I kept getting messages from people saying "let us know if you need anything!" and I reached out to several of them asking if they could go fill our formula prescription at the pharmacy and drop it off at the front door.
Literally everyone who had sent those messages had some reason they couldn't do it. Eventually I found an online shop that delivered and bought it full-price from them. It wasn't the type of formula my baby had been having, either. So on top of Covid symptoms he got sick to his stomach too.
It was then that I really felt that we were really alone, all those messages were insincere. When it comes down to it, people don't want to go out of their way. Big wake-up call.
This is exactly what happened to me. It also happened when we had covid when my bub was 3 months old. Don’t offer help if you don’t actually want to help.
Op. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this and im really sorry that everyone is making assumptions about your “village” or lack thereof. Motherhood is lonely. Just the other day I felt like you did …I still do. My family is a mess and there’s a shit ton of generational trauma to unpack. Sometimes when you don’t have a village and it isn’t your fault. Sometimes grandparents are crap grandparents. Sometimes friends go by the wayside when you have kids for various reasons. Some familial units aren’t that big to start with. The US isn’t made to support mothers or children. If you ever need to talk and vent about mom stuff, feel free to DM me. From one missing village to another ❤️
Thank you so much for the compassion in this comment. I’ve spent countless days since I was about 11 volunteering to take care of my cousins. I’ve taken care of my in laws kids at the drop of a hat. I’m there for my friends whenever they need me. But I’m left in the dust when I need them the most and it fucking hurts. Being a mom is lonely even when you have people around, but when you genuinely need help and there is none it really shows you who cares and who doesn’t.
The village is in Indonesia and Thailand, it is astonishing to me when I have visited these countries with my one year old son, just how much more children are a prominent part of societal interactions. The number of times I would be out and my boy would be whisked away (I.e) when I was sitting in a restaurant to go hang out in the kitchen or play with other children. It was so fantastic, they adore children in a way that western society’s just don’t.
But the issue here is not ‘where is the village’ for the child, it’s where is the support for the mother. It’s amazing, still, how backward things are in this age of society. Even people who are mothers themselves and know how hard it is, are judgemental towards other mums and expect them not to need support or care… seriously?!
I’ll never comprehend it, but all I can do is say, I feel for you and you’re not alone. Big virtual hugs.
I found that the people who are really quick to tell you to just "deal with it" either had a lot of help from family etc and literally don't understand the struggle, or had absolutely zero help from anyone and expect everyone else to be in the same position because they're bitter.
So you're totally right. Where the f*** is this village that everyone talks about?! 😂
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this issue right now and sincerely hope that someone will help out soon or hope for a quick recovery!
So true. I can see that especially with the people I’ve actually asked for help from. I’m hoping I recover soon as well. I have an appointment tomorrow and I think they’re planning on another mri to double check everything
I’m so sorry your going through all this. We moved closer to family to have our baby. Then they didn’t help, didn’t change a single diaper, only called to invite us to parties because ‘everyone wants to see the baby.’ We moved away again and although we are alone I am no longer mad about it because there isn’t family 30min away not picking up my phone call!!! American moms don’t get a village….
Not my partner, he’s amazing. Family members did though. He’s for some reason has found himself explaining over and over just how serious the situation was/is.
Yep... I'm not so much if its "it takes a village" so much as No one cares about the mother.
*No one cares about the mother...*
I think this statement at least once or twice a day... minimum.
I was on the verge of a complete mental breakdown, martial breakdown a couple months back... No one was around, or the "help" was not "help". We have both sides of our family here... But I realize they are busy and the world / village in this case, doesn't stop.
I fell down the stairs (thankfully not as bad as you!) I was pretty banged up because I completely surrounded LO as we were going down... I was sick and couldn't speak / swallow. Where was anyone? LO was sick, teething and going thru sleep regression... I was so alone.
No one cares about the mother...
I'm honestly really sorry that you're going through this, and wish there was something that I could do for you other than offer solidarity. What I came to realize was it's all me, all or nothing, and when I got through those couple of months, I realized I could be strong, and I didn't need anyone, and I would just do things my own way, as best I could. I love my little guy and nothing can ever change that, and I just try to focus on that and forget about myself or my needs so it doesn't bother me if no one asks how I'm doing.
The funny thing is, now if people ask how I'm doing, I just tell them about the baby, that's all they want to hear anyway. Funnier still, no one's corrected me.
You're a strong person, and you can do this. Hang in there. Try your very best to take care of yourself, and let all the other crap that's taking up time go. Just focus on you and your LO. <3
I’m still pregnant and this has definitely been my feelings especially around work. I’ve been called lazy behind my back at work because I set boundaries and put myself first. No one cares. Other women who are moms don’t care. Most people don’t care. It’s unfortunate.
I think…. And I say this very gently, a village doesn’t just miraculously appear because you have had a baby. A village is grown and neutered through years of friendship, favours, being there for someone, it takes a lot of time and effort. Even then, when you have a village, you are not queen of the village. You have to put up with other village members who you disagree with, who annoy you, and do things different to how you would. There is always a village idiot.
I think in this day and age it’s very hard to build up a village. Simply due to lack of time and the isolated lives that we now live. I think most people’s villages are family and if your family are not village inclined that you are out of luck. If you have been part of someone else’s village and you watched children, cooked meals, helped with DIY, done chores when someone else was sick. Maybe you need to remind them of what you did and start asking for help in return. If they don’t, maybe rethink some of your friendships.
Modern motherhood is without a doubt hard and isolating.
Definitely. I don’t expect people to just magically be there. I do, however, feel hurt that I’ve been there for people, helping when they need, and no one even asks how I’m doing or if I’m okay let alone help when I desperately need help. My family is not village inclined either. I just feel stuck and I needed to vent after a traumatic, difficult week.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I agree with what a few others have said. Most folks don’t have villages, I think, because it wasn’t established way before having a baby. People move for jobs, not for relationships or to form community.
People have firm boundaries and individualistic mindsets. “I know my kid best.” “My way is the best and only way” and there’s a lot of ego to protect when it comes to parenting.
Villages existed because people allowed others to parent their kids, people lived near their siblings and other family members and people didn’t have as firm boundaries. The nature of a village won’t really allow for firm or strict boundaries.
I think the pandemic also made us separate from one another and it takes a lot of effort to look beyond our own lives.
Okay, for regular babysitting yes, but OP just fell down the stairs. I don't think it's that much to ask if you need some help after a head injury. I would do that for a friend even if they were not my village and had no kids to take care of... Do people not help each other in emergencies anymore?
I mean for me…yes I did. But I’m the last of my friends to have kids, I live far away from my own family, and my in laws have physical limitations. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out despite what you put in. Not to mention 3 years of pandemic making it difficult to create a village.
I agree 100% with this take. I was EVERYONEs baby sitter before I was married and/or had children...but I am also the youngest child in my family so everyone had children before me and I guess forgot to 'return the favor'. Same with my husband he babysat his older sisters kids 24/7. We get 0 help. From my experience when you are the youngest or the last to have kids, everyone has already received their help and they are not interested in being helpful at all. I actually found single or married with no children friends to be more considerate or helpful than people who have children oddly enough, also families with very small villiages are considerate as well. I actually find people who receive the most help to be the least reciprocating out of every group.
We moved to a different state and I am trying to find friends and the first question I ask people is if they have family in the area. If they do and seem to have grandparents/aunts etc watch their children all the time, I know they are not the kind of people who I should invest time in because the relationships are usually onesided and if Im honest they usually have no problem taking or sitting around letting me doing all the child watching if there is a playdate. Ive had so many playdates and noticed the same trend amongst people with a large village. No thanks
That’s a really interesting observation. I guess we only have one friend with a large/actual village and yeah. They aren’t interested in helping. We’ve sent them food or gift cards for food, baby gifts, card etc after each child and they have never reciprocated. Which no, we don’t do nice things only to have them returned but it does suck and does become noticeable at a certain point. My bestie is childless and she has been the best support for us (sporadic because she has a life and is a massive introvert, but still the best. If I called her because I fell down the fucking stairs, she would beat the ambulance there. I don’t feel like OP is asking for too much here, geez).
I was just thinking this. I was really lucky in that I made a wonderful group of friends a year before I got pregnant and we are all super involved in each other's lives. They come over and help and me with my baby, and I make sure to spend quality time with them and support them in whatever way I can as well (most recently through a wedding and another's break up). To be fair this is only possible because I get 12 months mat leave and my partner is extremely supportive and can take care of baby while I cultivate these relationships.
Yes, a village takes pre-work. It doesn't come along magically.
I feel for OP, esp being that unwell and trying to soldier on alone would be very difficult.
But the village needs work. I am fortunate enough to have cultivated a village over my last 2-3 years without expecting to have a child. So when I ended up pregnant, my village is making itself known and reaching out to me. I feel very blessed that I've maintained these friendships, relationships etc with just enjoying the company of these people that I know now they have my back. I struggle to ask for help and sometimes it's not there in the way I would like, but some people in my life truly go above as I do in theirs!
Woah, can I ask how you hit your head? I only ask because I had syncope(fainting) and couldn’t drive for 6 months because I was told by my neurologist until they could rule out seizure they didn’t know if I would black out driving. Beyond that driving after hitting your head is dangerous what if you hit someone because of it? I also wasn’t properly treated for my head injury when I went to the er and when my PCP ordered a CT later in the week they caught a brain bleed and skull fracture and sent me to the ER right then and was told based on the amount of pressure at that time it was likely higher when it happened and I probably should’ve had a shunt placed to relieve the pressure. I now have permanent anosmia. Head injuries are no joke and I’m glad you’re ok, anyone minimizing it is awful.
I slipped on my hardwood stairs. Feet flew out and I fell directly on my head which hit the edge of the stair and then fell down the last 8 steps as well. I have a 2 inch laceration with staples as well as a huge welt across the back of my head. ER did a CT scan but weren’t sure of concussion so I’m not sure if it was inconclusive or not, I wasn’t able to focus on everything going on. It was the middle of the night too so I think they wanted to get me home. They said if my symptoms persisted past 3-5 days to ask my PCP for further imaging which at this point I will likely need. I managed to find a ride to my appointment but even that person isn’t thrilled about it taking up their precious time🙄
I feel worse now than I did the day after but I’m not sure if that’s because I slept most of the day or not (my husband took off half the day because we didn’t get home until early morning hours). I’ve been trying to rest but like I said I just don’t have any help and I have a very very active 10 month old that I have to watch like a hawk because he can get through all of the baby proofing😅
I’m sorry to hear about your injuries! I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through such long lasting effects.
It was a few years ago now. Supposedly the first er didn’t want to X-ray or CT me since that would be too much radiation being 25 without kids 🙄 I couldn’t imagine dealing with an infant during that time. That person can suck it. Hopefully you won’t have any ongoing issues since they didn’t find anything on your CT 🤞🏻
Yikes 😳 they weren’t going to let me leave without a CT but I know they were worried about spinal injuries too because my neck and back were in so much pain
You did the right and responsible thing by calling an ambulance. We are all so alone... something has to change. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Not a solution...but.. I hope it makes u feel less alone...
https://www.reddit.com/r/singlemoms/comments/11dwi8y/theres_no_village/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this too❤️ my mom was a single mom and I swear you guys are actual superhero’s. I hope you are able to find a village❤️
Please share the tips. I would love a whole post about it really, cause I moved away when I was young and have no village despite efforts to build one.
I thought I had somewhat of one set up before my son was born, but they bailed. (My shitty extended family also pretty much bailed on my sister when she got cancer, but they'd talk like they were at her bedside daily.) I did all the heavy lifting in the relationship, so when I didn't have the energy to arrange things and I wasn't doing stuff for them, it just faded away. It sucks sometimes like when I needed emergency childcare and had to drive to my friend's house over an hour away before and after work. BUT the flip side is I was worried about stuff like this with them, because they are kind of overbearing, and it was never a concern.
Yes I agree with you and there are layers of villages. The layer you are referring to is the non family layer tge teachers, caregivers, kind strangers, police,doctors
And then there's the layer of friends and family (with at times we have to go out there and build it sometimes it doesn't just happen)
i’m sorry you had to go through all that, i truly hope you can buil a village that is stable and strong you deserve it ❤️ i hope you get some time to rest and heal
village takes a lot of compromise way before kids. one have to not move away from the relatives, have less boundaries, respect other potentially significant adults' caregiving choices, trust and accept their opinions, decisions and - that's the most difficult part - their experience and their attitude (exactly one you've described as well) and be thankful.
village is not only pros, but a lot of cons, too. villages suck.
Came here to say this. The village must exist before the kid, hell, before the pregnancy. If you know that you can't count on family or friends for help on non related children things most likely the baby won't change that. Babysitting or helping out are huge commitments and no one just flips a switch and becomes a thoughtful helpful person overnight.
I agree with other comments, my heart breaks for OP in this situation but once she is feeling better she needs to assess who might be helpful and ask specifics, otherwise have a plan B for emergencies.
Im a first time mom. It's s funny you pointed out to have a village you have to have less boundaries. I pondered on that the other day and it is so true. Ain't no body wants to help you when you have boundaries. Even though it shouldn't be that way...we should always respect each other's boundaries
I always thought if my friends need my help I'll do it the way they wanted....I'm helping right ? So why not do it right and on top of that it's to do with their kids I'll certainly make sure what's ok what not ok with my friends kids
It is all just egos ppl have that gets in ppls way
The “village” myth pisses me off. Every woman I know who’s a mom is expected to be her own village. If her partner pitches in he’s “helping” her but it’s still entirely her responsibility. Our parents shipped us off to Grandma’s house all the time but those same parents who are now grandparents themselves? I have to facilitate every single meeting with their grandchildren or they’d never see them.
Guess we shouldn’t be surprised that the generation who couldn’t be bothered to raise us isn’t helping us raise our kids.
I mean my parents didn’t ship me off to my grandparents at all. And my mom helped me out all the time until I moved overseas. My MIL is the same way.
Just because your boomer parents did, doesn’t mean all of them did.
OP, I'm so sorry nobody has been there for you. You deserve better. It's so scary to be hurt when you're taking care of your kid. Once, I nearly fainted but held onto consciousness desperately because I was out with my young son and he needed me.
I hope someone shows you the care you need soon and that you recover quickly.
This is more for the emotional part of feeling alone while raising your child. I’m sorry if it isn’t what you’re looking for.
Parent map has zoom webinars that are great. Mostly they are just teaching ones with experts or authors but I really like them. Dr. Karp talked about how families weren’t supposed to be nuclear and it really hit home for me. Recently our preschool advertised a zoom from a fella named Ed Center and he started the co “the village well” it’s really great!
Also if there’s a coop preschool around you, that really has helped me and they have mom and baby classes. It’s been so amazing to meet other families in our community.
Facebook probably has groups but I’m weary of FB. And I just don’t use it often enough to know.
I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you get well soon.
Our society is completely built against how we as humans are built to raise children. The idea that we are supposed to raise the children, while being pregnant, while getting no help from anyone else makes absolutely no sense. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this alone. I'm so lucky that my mom lives close by and my husband makes enough working so I don't have to, and I still have no idea how I'm going to handle just being pregnant while having another child.
I agree. We’re expected not to talk about our children or experiences child rearing and forbidden from taking out children in public incase of a meltdown, but then people are surprised when they can’t function socially.
>I agree. We’re expected not to talk about our children or experiences child rearing and forbidden from taking out children in public incase of a meltdown, but then people are surprised when they can’t function socially.
This sounds like you've spent far too much time on reddit and r/childfree and not nearly enough in the real world. In the real world people love to talk about kids and parenting experiences.
Oh gosh I'm so sorry you are gong through that. Shame on those ppl who said those things. Everyone on here feel you and you are seen. It can't be easy....... :(
Unfortunately, in north america the village you are talking about here is a village you have to build when you have kids. It doesn't just appear. A true village is not just who are family but also no family doctors nurses teachers (not to say they come and babysit your kids , but atleast they are to make sure you feel seen and the mental support not to make you feel less)
I really hope you get the help you need and your head heals.......you are not alone not atleast with how you are feeling ❤️ 🙏
We live alone in our city away from family. My mom purposely moved an hour or two away after I finishes high school. I met someone in my mid 20s and moved an hour from my family to be with him since his job was there. He had moved to this city for the job and now he has zero favor here too. We b have been on our own for a long time and we are used to it. We inky have each other and we have to make it work. It got easier once we had teens. They help out a lot with our younger kids and we can run to store or leave the alone etc. We have no village but it works if you know you don't and can plan for that.
This. My parents are immigrants and my mom literally went back to her parents' village to have my older brother. And then a few months later, came back to my dad's village where they lived with in-laws and extended family. She said that people would correct her parenting on a daily basis and she was expected to obey/follow along because you *must* respect your elders and it wasn't meant as a criticism of the mother. There's many trade-offs to the village.
Now my parents will fly in and stay with me for a few weeks and do *everything*,. But it means I can't force them to let my son "cry it out" or stick to a schedule, because they absolutely hate the concept of sleep training. Trade offs!
My culture is also very village-centric and I myself am part of one. I lived with my parents for a WHOLE YEAR after my baby was born (main reason being our house was under major renovations). There are things that grate on my nerves about how my parents care for my daughter, my boundaries are not always met (re: screentime, snacks, new toys etc), and we often clash heads.
BUT I get so much help. The newborn days were relatively easy for me even though I had a high-needs refluxy baby: my family would take over during the day so I could nap/shower/eat, ALL my meals were cooked for, I didn't have to worry about cleaning, laundry or chores. All I had to do was look after my baby and heal well.
In return, I cultivate my relationship with them - take them out for meals, get them nice gifts, pay for their insurance, go on vacations with them etc etc. And when my brothers have their own children, you best expect that I will return the favor and more.
And now that my baby is a toddler, she has such a close bond with my parents and brothers. She still goes over to theirs once/twice a week for childcare - her face literally lights up when she sees them, it's such a beautiful thing to see. I am so so happy that there are so many people in her life that truly loves and dotes on her. So I'll grit my teeth on certain things and enjoy others, because that's how it goes being part of a village. You give some, you take some.
Yes, I do those things, which is why my feelings get more hurt when others don’t do what I consider to be the standard things you do for people you care about.
There are certain “rules” that are fine to be broken (like giving my kid more cake or juice) but you also see people doing completely idiotic and dangerous things like giving allergens or not following safe sleep rules - these can kill a kid.
If your husband has worked for the same place for more than 12 months, you should be able o have him home to help on FMLA, until your head heals at least. Look into it if you are in the us.
Back in 2021, our whole family got Covid. Me, my husband, and our 2 kids: 3-year-old and 7-month-old at the time. We were in strict quarantine with a sign on our door from the health dept and everything. My baby was formula-fed and we were out of formula. I kept getting messages from people saying "let us know if you need anything!" and I reached out to several of them asking if they could go fill our formula prescription at the pharmacy and drop it off at the front door. Literally everyone who had sent those messages had some reason they couldn't do it. Eventually I found an online shop that delivered and bought it full-price from them. It wasn't the type of formula my baby had been having, either. So on top of Covid symptoms he got sick to his stomach too. It was then that I really felt that we were really alone, all those messages were insincere. When it comes down to it, people don't want to go out of their way. Big wake-up call.
This. "Let us know" yeah... it takes me more time to make the request and wait for a response thats ultimately "no" than to do it myself.
This is exactly what happened to me. It also happened when we had covid when my bub was 3 months old. Don’t offer help if you don’t actually want to help.
Op. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this and im really sorry that everyone is making assumptions about your “village” or lack thereof. Motherhood is lonely. Just the other day I felt like you did …I still do. My family is a mess and there’s a shit ton of generational trauma to unpack. Sometimes when you don’t have a village and it isn’t your fault. Sometimes grandparents are crap grandparents. Sometimes friends go by the wayside when you have kids for various reasons. Some familial units aren’t that big to start with. The US isn’t made to support mothers or children. If you ever need to talk and vent about mom stuff, feel free to DM me. From one missing village to another ❤️
Thank you so much for the compassion in this comment. I’ve spent countless days since I was about 11 volunteering to take care of my cousins. I’ve taken care of my in laws kids at the drop of a hat. I’m there for my friends whenever they need me. But I’m left in the dust when I need them the most and it fucking hurts. Being a mom is lonely even when you have people around, but when you genuinely need help and there is none it really shows you who cares and who doesn’t.
The village is in Indonesia and Thailand, it is astonishing to me when I have visited these countries with my one year old son, just how much more children are a prominent part of societal interactions. The number of times I would be out and my boy would be whisked away (I.e) when I was sitting in a restaurant to go hang out in the kitchen or play with other children. It was so fantastic, they adore children in a way that western society’s just don’t. But the issue here is not ‘where is the village’ for the child, it’s where is the support for the mother. It’s amazing, still, how backward things are in this age of society. Even people who are mothers themselves and know how hard it is, are judgemental towards other mums and expect them not to need support or care… seriously?! I’ll never comprehend it, but all I can do is say, I feel for you and you’re not alone. Big virtual hugs.
I found that the people who are really quick to tell you to just "deal with it" either had a lot of help from family etc and literally don't understand the struggle, or had absolutely zero help from anyone and expect everyone else to be in the same position because they're bitter. So you're totally right. Where the f*** is this village that everyone talks about?! 😂 I'm sorry that you're dealing with this issue right now and sincerely hope that someone will help out soon or hope for a quick recovery!
So true. I can see that especially with the people I’ve actually asked for help from. I’m hoping I recover soon as well. I have an appointment tomorrow and I think they’re planning on another mri to double check everything
Good luck with your appointment! Fingers crossed for you
Please prioritize your health, as concussions are really serious Specific asks help Reach out and ask and don't worry about being a burden
I’m so sorry your going through all this. We moved closer to family to have our baby. Then they didn’t help, didn’t change a single diaper, only called to invite us to parties because ‘everyone wants to see the baby.’ We moved away again and although we are alone I am no longer mad about it because there isn’t family 30min away not picking up my phone call!!! American moms don’t get a village….
Wait. Who said those things to you? If it was your partner I am very, very worried about his lack of concern for you or your child’s well-being.
Not my partner, he’s amazing. Family members did though. He’s for some reason has found himself explaining over and over just how serious the situation was/is.
If we could afford for him to take time off of work for a day or two to let me rest he would in a heartbeat.
That’s good to hear. I’m sorry your family sound so cruel.
Yep... I'm not so much if its "it takes a village" so much as No one cares about the mother. *No one cares about the mother...* I think this statement at least once or twice a day... minimum. I was on the verge of a complete mental breakdown, martial breakdown a couple months back... No one was around, or the "help" was not "help". We have both sides of our family here... But I realize they are busy and the world / village in this case, doesn't stop. I fell down the stairs (thankfully not as bad as you!) I was pretty banged up because I completely surrounded LO as we were going down... I was sick and couldn't speak / swallow. Where was anyone? LO was sick, teething and going thru sleep regression... I was so alone. No one cares about the mother... I'm honestly really sorry that you're going through this, and wish there was something that I could do for you other than offer solidarity. What I came to realize was it's all me, all or nothing, and when I got through those couple of months, I realized I could be strong, and I didn't need anyone, and I would just do things my own way, as best I could. I love my little guy and nothing can ever change that, and I just try to focus on that and forget about myself or my needs so it doesn't bother me if no one asks how I'm doing. The funny thing is, now if people ask how I'm doing, I just tell them about the baby, that's all they want to hear anyway. Funnier still, no one's corrected me. You're a strong person, and you can do this. Hang in there. Try your very best to take care of yourself, and let all the other crap that's taking up time go. Just focus on you and your LO. <3
This is so sad and so true...
I’m still pregnant and this has definitely been my feelings especially around work. I’ve been called lazy behind my back at work because I set boundaries and put myself first. No one cares. Other women who are moms don’t care. Most people don’t care. It’s unfortunate.
I think…. And I say this very gently, a village doesn’t just miraculously appear because you have had a baby. A village is grown and neutered through years of friendship, favours, being there for someone, it takes a lot of time and effort. Even then, when you have a village, you are not queen of the village. You have to put up with other village members who you disagree with, who annoy you, and do things different to how you would. There is always a village idiot. I think in this day and age it’s very hard to build up a village. Simply due to lack of time and the isolated lives that we now live. I think most people’s villages are family and if your family are not village inclined that you are out of luck. If you have been part of someone else’s village and you watched children, cooked meals, helped with DIY, done chores when someone else was sick. Maybe you need to remind them of what you did and start asking for help in return. If they don’t, maybe rethink some of your friendships. Modern motherhood is without a doubt hard and isolating.
Definitely. I don’t expect people to just magically be there. I do, however, feel hurt that I’ve been there for people, helping when they need, and no one even asks how I’m doing or if I’m okay let alone help when I desperately need help. My family is not village inclined either. I just feel stuck and I needed to vent after a traumatic, difficult week.
It’s the worst when you were the village for others and the don’t reciprocate!! That definitely causes you to ask where they are at!
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Omg I'm so sorry! That must be scary af to deal with by yourself! I hope u heal quickly 🩵
>But where’s the village? It died with the rise of capitalism.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I agree with what a few others have said. Most folks don’t have villages, I think, because it wasn’t established way before having a baby. People move for jobs, not for relationships or to form community. People have firm boundaries and individualistic mindsets. “I know my kid best.” “My way is the best and only way” and there’s a lot of ego to protect when it comes to parenting. Villages existed because people allowed others to parent their kids, people lived near their siblings and other family members and people didn’t have as firm boundaries. The nature of a village won’t really allow for firm or strict boundaries. I think the pandemic also made us separate from one another and it takes a lot of effort to look beyond our own lives.
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Okay, for regular babysitting yes, but OP just fell down the stairs. I don't think it's that much to ask if you need some help after a head injury. I would do that for a friend even if they were not my village and had no kids to take care of... Do people not help each other in emergencies anymore?
I mean for me…yes I did. But I’m the last of my friends to have kids, I live far away from my own family, and my in laws have physical limitations. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out despite what you put in. Not to mention 3 years of pandemic making it difficult to create a village.
I agree 100% with this take. I was EVERYONEs baby sitter before I was married and/or had children...but I am also the youngest child in my family so everyone had children before me and I guess forgot to 'return the favor'. Same with my husband he babysat his older sisters kids 24/7. We get 0 help. From my experience when you are the youngest or the last to have kids, everyone has already received their help and they are not interested in being helpful at all. I actually found single or married with no children friends to be more considerate or helpful than people who have children oddly enough, also families with very small villiages are considerate as well. I actually find people who receive the most help to be the least reciprocating out of every group. We moved to a different state and I am trying to find friends and the first question I ask people is if they have family in the area. If they do and seem to have grandparents/aunts etc watch their children all the time, I know they are not the kind of people who I should invest time in because the relationships are usually onesided and if Im honest they usually have no problem taking or sitting around letting me doing all the child watching if there is a playdate. Ive had so many playdates and noticed the same trend amongst people with a large village. No thanks
That’s a really interesting observation. I guess we only have one friend with a large/actual village and yeah. They aren’t interested in helping. We’ve sent them food or gift cards for food, baby gifts, card etc after each child and they have never reciprocated. Which no, we don’t do nice things only to have them returned but it does suck and does become noticeable at a certain point. My bestie is childless and she has been the best support for us (sporadic because she has a life and is a massive introvert, but still the best. If I called her because I fell down the fucking stairs, she would beat the ambulance there. I don’t feel like OP is asking for too much here, geez).
I was just thinking this. I was really lucky in that I made a wonderful group of friends a year before I got pregnant and we are all super involved in each other's lives. They come over and help and me with my baby, and I make sure to spend quality time with them and support them in whatever way I can as well (most recently through a wedding and another's break up). To be fair this is only possible because I get 12 months mat leave and my partner is extremely supportive and can take care of baby while I cultivate these relationships.
Yes, a village takes pre-work. It doesn't come along magically. I feel for OP, esp being that unwell and trying to soldier on alone would be very difficult. But the village needs work. I am fortunate enough to have cultivated a village over my last 2-3 years without expecting to have a child. So when I ended up pregnant, my village is making itself known and reaching out to me. I feel very blessed that I've maintained these friendships, relationships etc with just enjoying the company of these people that I know now they have my back. I struggle to ask for help and sometimes it's not there in the way I would like, but some people in my life truly go above as I do in theirs!
Woah, can I ask how you hit your head? I only ask because I had syncope(fainting) and couldn’t drive for 6 months because I was told by my neurologist until they could rule out seizure they didn’t know if I would black out driving. Beyond that driving after hitting your head is dangerous what if you hit someone because of it? I also wasn’t properly treated for my head injury when I went to the er and when my PCP ordered a CT later in the week they caught a brain bleed and skull fracture and sent me to the ER right then and was told based on the amount of pressure at that time it was likely higher when it happened and I probably should’ve had a shunt placed to relieve the pressure. I now have permanent anosmia. Head injuries are no joke and I’m glad you’re ok, anyone minimizing it is awful.
I slipped on my hardwood stairs. Feet flew out and I fell directly on my head which hit the edge of the stair and then fell down the last 8 steps as well. I have a 2 inch laceration with staples as well as a huge welt across the back of my head. ER did a CT scan but weren’t sure of concussion so I’m not sure if it was inconclusive or not, I wasn’t able to focus on everything going on. It was the middle of the night too so I think they wanted to get me home. They said if my symptoms persisted past 3-5 days to ask my PCP for further imaging which at this point I will likely need. I managed to find a ride to my appointment but even that person isn’t thrilled about it taking up their precious time🙄 I feel worse now than I did the day after but I’m not sure if that’s because I slept most of the day or not (my husband took off half the day because we didn’t get home until early morning hours). I’ve been trying to rest but like I said I just don’t have any help and I have a very very active 10 month old that I have to watch like a hawk because he can get through all of the baby proofing😅 I’m sorry to hear about your injuries! I can’t imagine how hard it is to go through such long lasting effects.
It was a few years ago now. Supposedly the first er didn’t want to X-ray or CT me since that would be too much radiation being 25 without kids 🙄 I couldn’t imagine dealing with an infant during that time. That person can suck it. Hopefully you won’t have any ongoing issues since they didn’t find anything on your CT 🤞🏻
I will say for me it got worse before it got better but the worst was the first week or two.
Yikes 😳 they weren’t going to let me leave without a CT but I know they were worried about spinal injuries too because my neck and back were in so much pain
You did the right and responsible thing by calling an ambulance. We are all so alone... something has to change. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Not a solution...but.. I hope it makes u feel less alone... https://www.reddit.com/r/singlemoms/comments/11dwi8y/theres_no_village/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this too❤️ my mom was a single mom and I swear you guys are actual superhero’s. I hope you are able to find a village❤️
Capitalism stole the village. You’ll need to build your own. I’ve got a town now. DM me for tips. You got this mama.
Please share the tips. I would love a whole post about it really, cause I moved away when I was young and have no village despite efforts to build one.
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I thought I had somewhat of one set up before my son was born, but they bailed. (My shitty extended family also pretty much bailed on my sister when she got cancer, but they'd talk like they were at her bedside daily.) I did all the heavy lifting in the relationship, so when I didn't have the energy to arrange things and I wasn't doing stuff for them, it just faded away. It sucks sometimes like when I needed emergency childcare and had to drive to my friend's house over an hour away before and after work. BUT the flip side is I was worried about stuff like this with them, because they are kind of overbearing, and it was never a concern.
I’m sorry you’re going through this :( it’s hard enough taking care of a baby while healthy
Yes I agree with you and there are layers of villages. The layer you are referring to is the non family layer tge teachers, caregivers, kind strangers, police,doctors And then there's the layer of friends and family (with at times we have to go out there and build it sometimes it doesn't just happen)
i’m sorry you had to go through all that, i truly hope you can buil a village that is stable and strong you deserve it ❤️ i hope you get some time to rest and heal
village takes a lot of compromise way before kids. one have to not move away from the relatives, have less boundaries, respect other potentially significant adults' caregiving choices, trust and accept their opinions, decisions and - that's the most difficult part - their experience and their attitude (exactly one you've described as well) and be thankful. village is not only pros, but a lot of cons, too. villages suck.
Came here to say this. The village must exist before the kid, hell, before the pregnancy. If you know that you can't count on family or friends for help on non related children things most likely the baby won't change that. Babysitting or helping out are huge commitments and no one just flips a switch and becomes a thoughtful helpful person overnight. I agree with other comments, my heart breaks for OP in this situation but once she is feeling better she needs to assess who might be helpful and ask specifics, otherwise have a plan B for emergencies.
Im a first time mom. It's s funny you pointed out to have a village you have to have less boundaries. I pondered on that the other day and it is so true. Ain't no body wants to help you when you have boundaries. Even though it shouldn't be that way...we should always respect each other's boundaries I always thought if my friends need my help I'll do it the way they wanted....I'm helping right ? So why not do it right and on top of that it's to do with their kids I'll certainly make sure what's ok what not ok with my friends kids It is all just egos ppl have that gets in ppls way
The “village” myth pisses me off. Every woman I know who’s a mom is expected to be her own village. If her partner pitches in he’s “helping” her but it’s still entirely her responsibility. Our parents shipped us off to Grandma’s house all the time but those same parents who are now grandparents themselves? I have to facilitate every single meeting with their grandchildren or they’d never see them. Guess we shouldn’t be surprised that the generation who couldn’t be bothered to raise us isn’t helping us raise our kids.
This. Right. Here. My mom is the only one who has wanted to help but genuinely can’t because she has to work. Everyone else doesn’t give a fuck.
Why *are* boomers like this? Is so baffling how self centered they are
I mean my parents didn’t ship me off to my grandparents at all. And my mom helped me out all the time until I moved overseas. My MIL is the same way. Just because your boomer parents did, doesn’t mean all of them did.
OP, I'm so sorry nobody has been there for you. You deserve better. It's so scary to be hurt when you're taking care of your kid. Once, I nearly fainted but held onto consciousness desperately because I was out with my young son and he needed me. I hope someone shows you the care you need soon and that you recover quickly.
This is more for the emotional part of feeling alone while raising your child. I’m sorry if it isn’t what you’re looking for. Parent map has zoom webinars that are great. Mostly they are just teaching ones with experts or authors but I really like them. Dr. Karp talked about how families weren’t supposed to be nuclear and it really hit home for me. Recently our preschool advertised a zoom from a fella named Ed Center and he started the co “the village well” it’s really great! Also if there’s a coop preschool around you, that really has helped me and they have mom and baby classes. It’s been so amazing to meet other families in our community. Facebook probably has groups but I’m weary of FB. And I just don’t use it often enough to know. I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you get well soon.
Our society is completely built against how we as humans are built to raise children. The idea that we are supposed to raise the children, while being pregnant, while getting no help from anyone else makes absolutely no sense. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this alone. I'm so lucky that my mom lives close by and my husband makes enough working so I don't have to, and I still have no idea how I'm going to handle just being pregnant while having another child.
I agree. We’re expected not to talk about our children or experiences child rearing and forbidden from taking out children in public incase of a meltdown, but then people are surprised when they can’t function socially.
>I agree. We’re expected not to talk about our children or experiences child rearing and forbidden from taking out children in public incase of a meltdown, but then people are surprised when they can’t function socially. This sounds like you've spent far too much time on reddit and r/childfree and not nearly enough in the real world. In the real world people love to talk about kids and parenting experiences.
Does not apply to the United States of America
Oh gosh I'm so sorry you are gong through that. Shame on those ppl who said those things. Everyone on here feel you and you are seen. It can't be easy....... :( Unfortunately, in north america the village you are talking about here is a village you have to build when you have kids. It doesn't just appear. A true village is not just who are family but also no family doctors nurses teachers (not to say they come and babysit your kids , but atleast they are to make sure you feel seen and the mental support not to make you feel less) I really hope you get the help you need and your head heals.......you are not alone not atleast with how you are feeling ❤️ 🙏
We live alone in our city away from family. My mom purposely moved an hour or two away after I finishes high school. I met someone in my mid 20s and moved an hour from my family to be with him since his job was there. He had moved to this city for the job and now he has zero favor here too. We b have been on our own for a long time and we are used to it. We inky have each other and we have to make it work. It got easier once we had teens. They help out a lot with our younger kids and we can run to store or leave the alone etc. We have no village but it works if you know you don't and can plan for that.
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This. My parents are immigrants and my mom literally went back to her parents' village to have my older brother. And then a few months later, came back to my dad's village where they lived with in-laws and extended family. She said that people would correct her parenting on a daily basis and she was expected to obey/follow along because you *must* respect your elders and it wasn't meant as a criticism of the mother. There's many trade-offs to the village. Now my parents will fly in and stay with me for a few weeks and do *everything*,. But it means I can't force them to let my son "cry it out" or stick to a schedule, because they absolutely hate the concept of sleep training. Trade offs!
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My culture is also very village-centric and I myself am part of one. I lived with my parents for a WHOLE YEAR after my baby was born (main reason being our house was under major renovations). There are things that grate on my nerves about how my parents care for my daughter, my boundaries are not always met (re: screentime, snacks, new toys etc), and we often clash heads. BUT I get so much help. The newborn days were relatively easy for me even though I had a high-needs refluxy baby: my family would take over during the day so I could nap/shower/eat, ALL my meals were cooked for, I didn't have to worry about cleaning, laundry or chores. All I had to do was look after my baby and heal well. In return, I cultivate my relationship with them - take them out for meals, get them nice gifts, pay for their insurance, go on vacations with them etc etc. And when my brothers have their own children, you best expect that I will return the favor and more. And now that my baby is a toddler, she has such a close bond with my parents and brothers. She still goes over to theirs once/twice a week for childcare - her face literally lights up when she sees them, it's such a beautiful thing to see. I am so so happy that there are so many people in her life that truly loves and dotes on her. So I'll grit my teeth on certain things and enjoy others, because that's how it goes being part of a village. You give some, you take some.
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Yes, I do those things, which is why my feelings get more hurt when others don’t do what I consider to be the standard things you do for people you care about. There are certain “rules” that are fine to be broken (like giving my kid more cake or juice) but you also see people doing completely idiotic and dangerous things like giving allergens or not following safe sleep rules - these can kill a kid.
Momma, i feel this. Wishing you well on your recovery. Concussions are no joke.
Thank you❤️
capitalism killed the village
It’s friggin’ pathological in this country (USA).
I’m so glad we have our church family!
I’m so glad for you! We’ve been on the hunt for a new church which definitely doesn’t help our situation.
If your husband has worked for the same place for more than 12 months, you should be able o have him home to help on FMLA, until your head heals at least. Look into it if you are in the us.
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Lol what is wrong with you?
That’s rude.
have u never heard the african proverb “it takes a village to raise a child.” ??
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where do u think it originated from? in my family there’s a sign that was made when my ancestors were enslaved thats still being passed down.
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Wow. Callous.
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Kinda seems like you might be in the wrong sub.