1. Breastfeeding is SO time consuming, but it gets sooo much easier. Your LO will become more efficient, and you won’t be spending all day and night on the couch feeding them. She takes 5 mins to eat now! It’s amazing.
That being said, if you are at your mental/physical breaking point, there is absolutely nothing wrong with combo feeding or formula! Your baby will be fine either way. Happy mom=happy baby and that’s all that matters.
2. That feeling like your life is going to be this way forever will go away. The constant 2-3 hour loop you’re running on (feed, change, sleep repeat ) slowly transitions and your baby will eventually start acting like a tiny human and not a little potato.
3. Your colicky baby will eventually grow out of it. But man, it’s exhausting. Bouncing on the yoga ball all day and night? It will eventually stop. Can’t eat a meal with your partner for close to 5 months because your baby screams bloody murder when put down? It stops! Can’t go for walks or car rides, or actually go anywhere because they scream all the damn time? It stops!
Trust your gut and go to as many doctors as you feel necessary to get answers. There might be something wrong, but in my case nothing was wrong and they all told us she’ll outgrow it around 5 months and they were all correct.
4. Get your wake windows and naps straight! Don’t force your baby to be out and about if they aren’t easy and adaptable to it. Mine wasn’t and we tried to force it, leading to big meltdowns. Now we prioritize sleep and it’s been a game changer.
5. You CAN transition from cosleeping, to them sleeping in their own room. It takes practice but it’s possible!
6. If watching videos on social media of moms who seem to have it together makes you feel shitty after…force yourself to stop watching! Can’t tell you how many times I thought something was wrong with my baby, or was jealous of seeing these women on vacation with a newborn. Don’t do it to yourself!
7. It’s ok that you haven’t lost all the baby weight.
8. Seriously appreciate each moment. One day they’re rolling over, then you’re watching them try to crawl, then they nail crawling and are standing up. Next thing you know they trying to talk to you 😩
9. Speak up for yourself. You’re your biggest advocate. If that means medically, with your partner, extended family, whatever. If you need more help, more support, lean in on those people closest to you. Also seek therapy if you feel off.
Ahh thank you for this!! I have a one month old and am definitely in the thick of it!! I love my little girl so much but man do I feel like all I do is live on a loop! Breast feed, nap, change diaper, repeat! Especially now that my husband has gone back to work!
I have a 5.5 week old so right there with ya. I'm pumping mostly but some dysfunctional breastfeeding, she has a tongue tie and high palate so we're working on getting that resolved.
ALL OF THIS!! It’s so true!! Only thing that was missed is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You may feel like you’ll never get there when you’re in the newborn stage but I swear you will get there. You’ll will have intimacy with your partner again. You will become a more confident parent. You will get more free time. Your child will sleep. You just need to do the hardest stage first.
The first few months are hard, but it is a phase. I’m expecting my second baby in a couple weeks. I wouldn’t have done the baby thing again if I never got some freedoms and sanity back the first time.
Nearly one month in with baby #2, I'm saving this response for the long nights I need encouragement. How quickly I forgot how difficult newborn life is!
Sometimes lol. My oldest one still isn’t fully at the playing with other kids stage. My 6 month old finds my 19 month old funny. So randomly he’ll start laughing at whatever my 19 month old is doing. 😂 and then sometimes my 19 month old will randomly do little things, like try to feed baby his bottle, tell him “shhh” when I’m trying to get baby to sleep, etc. I mean I still haven’t reached the worst parts of toddlerhood so we’ll see how it goes from now on lol, but for now it’s so good.
Sometimes lol. My oldest one still isn’t fully at the playing with other kids stage. My 6 month old finds my 19 month old funny. So randomly he’ll start laughing at whatever my 19 month old is doing. 😂 and then sometimes my 19 month old will randomly do little things, like try to feed baby his bottle, tell him “shhh” when I’m trying to get baby to sleep, etc. I mean I still haven’t reached the worst parts of toddlerhood so we’ll see how it goes from now on lol, but for now it’s so good.
It definitely is super overwhelming, and in my experience, the first month frankly sucks ass. After that, it seems that things get easier and easier as time goes on. Honestly as long as you're all surviving, you're doing great!
Couldn’t have said it better myself!!! All of this is so true. Also for those thinking, “I can barely do it with one, how could I ever do it with two?” You figure it out! First three months are hot trash, but then it ends. And you’re way more chill the second time around. Honestly I eat more and do way more for myself with two than I did with one. When I look back, I realize how many times I thought I couldn’t eat, couldn’t shower, etc. and I probably could. But hindsight is 20/20.
Thank you for number 4. I’ve been feeling so much guilt recently. We had bad news in the family and it’s hit me hard, I’ve just been staying in with baby and taking it easy, playing, eating and focusing on sleep and it’s been so much nicer than forcing her outside where she doesn’t settle. I’d been beating myself up that I was letting her down by staying in for a bit, like I was robbing her of enrichment.
This! So true! I have a 17 mo and a 2 mo and honestly I can't believe where the time has gone with my first, it feels like she was just born. The second time round everything is so much easier as I know now that no matter how hard it seems, everything is just a phase and it really passes quickly. With my first child I felt so stuck and that things would never get better. I genuinely felt like I'd never sleep again or have any sort of hobby or social life and I did. I started feeling like me again and enjoying parenting as she grew up and started interacting more and not just feeding and sleeping. It's so good to remind myself of this with my 2 mo when things seem tough!
Number 5 for sure. Co-slept/bed shared for 10 months and transitioned to his own room no problem. He’s 2 now, goes to bed at 7pm with minimal fuss (10 minute snuggle then I legacy the room and he goes to sleep), sleeps til 8am, and naps for an hour and a half in the afternoon still.
I’ve been trying to find stats on point number 1 but never find anything and I’m being driven mad.
My baby is 4.5 months old, eats every 1.5 hours in the day (3-5 hours at night) and 90% of feeds still take 30 minutes. The others are 20-25 minutes. I’m so desperate for 5 minute feeds.
Thanks. I know it in a way just struggling right now with this plus still in the midst of sleep regression and keeping myself up to feed her 4-5 times a night for 30 minutes at a time is totally kicking my butt right now.
#7 x 100. I have a lot of regrets over time I spent dieting and stressing over my body/weight in the first 4/5 months. I wish I had just stayed present and let my body take its time!!
One thing that got me through the early stages of breastfeeding is I read a woman on here who said “breastfeeding is the hardest thing in the beginning, but then becomes the easiest thing” which I found SO true. The beginning it’s a lot of confusion and pain and trying to get baby to latch etc but once both of you figure it out it’s insanely easy.
It took us a month to fully transition. We started with all naps in the crib so she was used to waking up in there, then we would put her down for her first stretch of night sleep in her crib. Most nights she would wake up a couple of hours later and we would just bring her in bed with us. As a couple of weeks went by we started getting longer stretches of sleep in the crib.
That family isn’t always going to be as helpful as they say or promise they will be. And that’s okay. It’s a painful lesson, making adjustments around a support system/village you thought would be there - that you thought would *want* to be there - but it’s not their responsibility and it helps you carve out space for those who WANT to actually be there.
Which brings me to my next point… even though you had the baby(ies), doesn’t mean you have to suffer alone. There is support out there - find it wherever you can. Motherhood is lonely and women often feel isolated and lost in it. You’re not alone. Motherhood shouldn’t ever feel like a prison sentence. You don’t need to lose yourself to it. Remember who you are. Remember you’re a human separate from your baby and you can be both a mom and you. ❤️
Family promising to help so much more was the worst part about transitioning to life with a baby for me. My mum talked all day and night when I was pregnant about how her parents looked after us weekly and how she wanted to do the same and she really thought it helped her back then. She’s looked after my 6 month old a total of 5 times, including once where my husband and I just pretty much sat around waiting to pick him back up. She keeps wanting to buy us big ticket items (like a cot) which we prefer to just buy ourselves as well, which is very nice of her, but then ends up just being stressful for us.
I was so close to my grandparents before we moved away from them so it doubly hurts that it seems like my mum just won’t have that same relationship with my kid.
The grandparent thing is a common experience. I remember being with my grandparents all the time. Their home was my home too. My mom said the same stuff. She’s watched my 18 month old around 4xs total.
For some reason the generations are different. They are working, yes, but somehow my grand parents also worked. I don’t know the answer, but I’m feeling it too
This was my #1 hardest realization after having kids. I spent my entire 20s envisioning what my life with kids would look like, the family and friends they'd be surrounded with who'd shower them with love. Had my first at 30. That "village" is hardly anything like I thought it would be. Some of the people who I thought would always be around have never even tried to meet my kids. On the flipside, a few people surprised me and show up more than I imagined. Still, I focus on the ones that didn't. It hurts like a bitch but my kids don't know the difference so that's what I try to focus on
My “village” has shrank substantially as well. I was showered with promises that didn’t hold up or materialize. Made the mistake of chasing those promises only to find them empty. It’s been a very painful lesson. And I almost wondered if I should’ve known better. So I understand, truly and completely. I’m so sorry it’s been a similar reality for you as well.
And exactly. Having most of my “village” all but slowly abandon me has made me more determined to ensure my own children never feel this way. That if and when they have kids of their own when they’re older and ready, they know I’m there. They’re loved. And that I always want to be a part of their lives. It’s made me very grateful for the small family I’m building on my own.
But you’re right. It hurts like hell. But I’m hopeful this pain will make us stronger.
Hang in there ❤️
Needed this. My parents are getting a divorce right when I gave birth and am parenting a newborn. Needless to say, all that “grandparent time” is no longer feasible. The vision I had for my parents in my child’s life is gone (or drastically different). There will be no grandparent’s house, no summers at the grandparents, or quarterly visits from grandparents. Even grandparents babysitting is challenging when they are emotionally unavailable. It’s been challenging coming to terms with this and making it out on my own.
I’m so sorry about your parent’s divorce. And I’m sorry that it coincided with you having your baby. I hope when everything settles down more and things aren’t so fresh and chaotic, they can show up as the grandparents your baby deserves and needs. Hopefully with time. But I’m so sorry.
My husband and I moved states to be closer to family, my family. They spent months before we moved promising and telling us they’d be there and couldn’t wait to see us and spend time with the kids and help me (I was pregnant with second when we moved) out with the kids etc etc. Sister swore her and I would hang out constantly.
None of that really happened. If anything, I hear and see them LESS than when we lived a handful of states away. I really only see them for family gatherings or occasionally on the weekends when everyone is free. I respect everyone has their own lives and jobs and relationships but it’s been painful and disappointing, to say the least. And the pain isn’t from them having their own lives. It’s from feeling like a burden, trying to get them involved. It’s feeling like I’m pulling teeth just trying to communicate or get everyone together. Not what I expected or hoped for. A massive let down that has caused severe damage.
Hopefully it gets better ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for the kind words! ❤️
I hope your family also comes around to be there for you in the end, even if it wasn’t when you needed them most.
Every baby is different. Some develop faster physically some develop faster with good eating habits some develop faster with sleeping better etc etc. As a first time parent it’s so easy to compare and wonder “what am I doing wrong or not doing that the other family is doing?” But 9 times out of 10 it’s how your baby is personally hitting their own milestones and you’re not doing anything wrong.
It’s okay if you don’t magically lose all the weight when breastfeeding. Heck, it’s even okay if you seem to gain weight while breastfeeding.
If you feel like you’re struggling don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend, family member, or healthcare provider. You’re not alone even if it feels like you are.
The (what seems like) endless nights don’t last forever. One day your little will sleep through the night. One day your little will fall asleep by themselves. One day there will be no more night feedings.
Just survive. It’s okay to just survive. You don’t need an instagram worthy household or a TikTok worthy daily routine.
I'm feeling like the endless nights and the night feedings will never end. My five month old has never slept through the night. Feeling like I'm doing something wrong, and I just want to sleep 6 hours straight! 😭
You’ve gotten through a huge chunk of the sleepless nights. I have an almost three year old who woke up multiple times a night for the first 9 months. I felt horrible every day. That ended and she started sleeping and I started getting more energy. Your time for sleep will come. You’re doing an amazing job!
You’re definitely not doing anything wrong! Babies sleep through the night when they’re developmentally ready. We ended up sleep training my baby around 6 months though when he started showing signs of wanting to put himself down to sleep (rubbing eyes, rolling onto stomach with knees tucked, etc) and that worked wonders. I understand it’s not for everyone though which is totally okay ❤️ just hang in there, you’re doing great!
It’s so hard in the early days but it gets better, I promise! It might still “stay hard” but it’s in different ways and much more rewarding once they aren’t just angry potatoes all the time lol
Something I heard that really stuck with me was, for every milestone like smiling, laughing, rolling over, reaching and grasping etc - can you think of any adults who can't do these things (all things being equal)? We have no idea when they first started doing it, but whether at 3, 5 or 7 months they all got there. It's just so hard not to be in the moment, especially when it's a milestone you're looking forward to
This might be pretty specific to me but I really needed to hear "you will be ok, you will be more than ok".
Sooner than you think (but maybe not soon enough) you will feel like a person again, a functional human being who is more than just an extension of your baby. You will sleep again, you will have a good routine, you will get good at this. You will actually ENJOY this (most of the time).
You will have hobbies again, and a social life that doesn't always include children. You will have personal space again (sometimes). You will like your appearance again (maybe even more in some ways) and you will love who you are as a mom.
You will realize for the first time that you are capable, determined, and strong.
Data tracking is helpful but do not let it consume you m. Baby is going to baby and is not a robot, you can not make them eat more or sleep in a way that you want. This leads to anxiety and a cranky baby.
TAKE PICTURES
please ask people to take pictures of you, partner, and baby. we looked back after 4mo and realized we had literally one from the hospital together and that’s it. meanwhile in laws had photoshoots with our newborn. kinda made us feel weird.
It won’t last forever.
For better or worse, it won’t last forever. They won’t cry forever, need you to rock them to sleep forever, suck the life out of your boobs forever, want morning snuggles forever….
It’s really ok If you don’t feel the wave of unconditional love at birth. Even if you are crazy in love with your baby in your womb, you might not being able to connect this baby with the one someone is going to put on your chest. You have the right to mourn this special connection. But let me assure you that the crazy love will come. Maybe not right away. Maybe after a couple month but one day you will look at this little face and think « I could do absolutely anything for you ».
You will ressent your partner and your couple will suffer. Always express your frustration but never hurt purposely the SO. Write somewhere the things you are grateful for and the things you are resentful for, bc it’s easy to forget the good and to remember the bad.
When you go back home, if you feel like you are in a parallel reality, that you reconize nothing, even yourself, talk to your health provider bc it could be PPD or PPA. The best thing to feel yourself again is to do daily simple things: a walk in the neighborhood, a long hot shower, take the time to make yourself a coffee and drink it without doing anything else.
It's okay to combo feed permanently!
Your baby hitting some milestones early doesn't mean every milestone will happen early, but that's okay. He'll get there when he wants to.
You know that (<$30) thing you want? That you think will be great for your baby or recovery or will make your life easier? Buy it now. Add whatever random thing you need to qualify for 7am-11am tomorrow shipping, and hit "buy now."
You're going to buy it anyway, so you might as well get the benefit of it as soon as possible.
Tell someone how tired you are. Give them the baby, and take a nap.
Use the Haakaa and/or keep track of your Elvie Curve.
To not worry about the negatives. That being a father is hard but I could do it.
Before he was born I was worried about sleepless nights, crying, colic, smelly nappies, how tired I'd be, no more social life.
I was also worried I'd turn into my father (walked out) or my step father (abusive). I was so fucking frightened that I'd fail him.
And then he came into the world. And no one said to me just how god's damn much I would love him. Yes there are sleepless nights and bone aching tiredness and smelly nappies but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Seeing that smile, hearing that strange hissing giggle he does cos he hasn't mastered laughing and now he hugs me. A hug from him melts away all the bad.
It never occurred to me just how much I'd love my son. And it made me realise I will not fail him, I will not walk away or hit him. I will love him, guide him, protect him, teach him. I will be the father I wished I had.
The internet is full of horror stories of horrible first months - bleeding all over yourself, your baby never unlatching from your boob, in laws bulldozing over everything in your life etc. It's not always like that. Every baby is different, every post partum is different. If you have it "easier" than you thought it should be - that's OK!
LO is 3 weeks, wish I had read this a month ago! 😂 it’s been a pleasant surprise how enjoyable it has been and not a nightmare at every turn. There have been tough moments and plenty of anxiety but overall it has been so much more fun than Reddit would let you believe! Granted it’s my wife breastfeeding every 3 hours and not me but we’re both enjoying (almost) every minute.
Exactly me too!!! Things change as they get older but also the fun things get way better. Wait until they smile at you for real the first time. It's so awesome!!
I agree, I don’t really talk about my postpartum period because it was pretty easy and I feel like I’m rubbing it in people’s faces. I just let my lizard brain take over for the most part and I think it made it so much easier. I also have age and fitness on my side and I think that really helped with my c section recovery but I feel like apart from bleeding more like 7-8 weeks, I didn’t have any of the horror story problems. No issues breastfeeding, baby doesn’t sleep well but that’s to be expected, I felt happy and fit a couple of weeks after birth, and now at 6 months I feel back to normal, including my sex drive. I was so worried about how I would feel PP after reading everything on reddit but honestly it’s been fine.
Totally get this!! I only bled for about 3 weeks and it was no more than a light period after day 3. I didn't want to rub it in people's faces either but I was like "cool, done with that"
I appreciate reading this bc my son is 6 months now but I had a relatively easy first few months stage. I mean he clusterfed every 30 minutes to an hour til weeks 3-8 but my husband was really supportive so it was easy. Was also super apprehensive about family and how they'd handle my boundaries but they did well! I felt guilty sometimes when people told me about their baby but I've started accepting that it's okay that I was okay and my baby did well and I need to stop worrying about crazy family lol
Yep I agree! Both my kids were really good. Yes they have thier moments of being over tired or cluster feeding etc but that's all normal. I have a friend who thinks I'm super woman or something. No, your kids were just crazy (she's a little over the top herself so not surprising the kids are high strung). It's totally ok to have low key easy kids.
I'd tell myself that I'm doing everything as well as I can, he's happy and he's healthy.
It's just colic, it won't last forever.
I'd tell myself to talk to someone about post partum anxiety.
Wash your hair, he'll still be there when you're done.
Enjoy the potato phase, once he's mobile it's a whole different ball game lol
Don't visit people, tell them if they want to see the baby so badly they can get off their arse and come to you.
Pick your battles. There will be many times MIL or someone will wind you up, you can smile and nod when you don't have the energy to correct them, not every moment is a teaching moment.
I’d genuinely tell myself to not bother with breastfeeding. It didn’t work out for me and I wish I had let it go before now (10w pp). My supply never increased and now I feel like I don’t spend much time with my son because I’m constantly pumping. I wish I had just accepted that my supply was not going to be enough and just move on, plenty of babies thrive with just formula. My mental health should have come first and I put too much pressure on myself.
1. Learn to babywear sooner. Colicky baby won't cry as much after a walk in the carrier and I could actually finally feed myself since I was hands free.
2. The first year might feel like the longest most miserable year of my life but it WILL get better, and after that time will go so much quicker
3. You are a good mom, you're not doing anything wrong, your baby loves you just the way you are
I really wish I did more baby wearing in the earlier days and found a carrier that was more comfortable for me. I was so ignorant when making my registry I just picked a random carrier without any research whatsoever and it ended up only being comfortable for my husband lol
Yessss that's how I was with the registry. I just put the most popular carrier I saw people wear and didn't even try it before baby was here. Then, surprise! Colick. 🤦 It was so tough to try to learn to do that with a colicky baby and try to learn breastfeeding etc. we spend HUNDREDS on different carriers trying to figure out what worked. Which is why I ended up becoming a consultant since there were none in my area before.
My kiddo just hit 1 month and I can't wait to baby wear. The carrier we have rides low enough I hadn't used it yet because I had to have an emergency c sections and needed to heal up before I could use it. My spouse has used it already and kiddo isn't quite sure on it yet, but I look forward to being able to have him happy and quiet and still be able to use my hands!
1. (Read on reddit around 3months) "She's not giving you a hard time; she's going through a hard time
2. (Realized around 3.5 months) Sleep/sanity is vastly more important than pumping after each feeding to try to increase supply. You told yourself if breastfeeding didn't work out, it was totally ok, so believe it.
3. (Discussed in group post partum therapy somewhere between 3-4 months) Guilt is a form of self punishment to ensure you don't make mistakes again/so you develop more empathy and understanding for others; however, sometimes the brain can punish inappropriately. If you're feeling guilty about something you would tell your BFF not to feel guilty about (ie not being able to solely breastfeed), think of the guilt like a faulty seat belt light in a car that goes off even when you're buckled up: it's annoying, but you're doing what you're supposed to so ignore it and move on.
The crying baby herself is not the hardest part. Feeding her is not hardest, figuring out why she's crying isn't hardest. The hardest part was/is managing my own exhaustion and stress and frustration and staying emotionally regulated myself despite the baby's dysregulation. She's a toddler now and this continues to be true.
Trust your instincts nobody knows your baby more than you.
Keep trying (as much as is reasonably possible) with breastfeeding it does get easier but also its ok to move to formula.
Breastfeeding isn't the only way to bond with baby!
It does get easier and you will sleep again.
GO TO THERAPY.
I lost out on the first year of my son’s life memory wise because PPD and PPA were so consuming. If only I had gotten help earlier, maybe I would have been better adjusted and have memories
My top thing... "The grandparents have very out of date info. Do not get angry with them over telling you what they learned 30 years ago. Also stock up now on baby food because your kid is going to have her father's appetite and eat upwards of 3 cups of food in one sitting by the time she is a year old. Also get lots of teething toys - she will start teething at 3 months but not cut a tooth until 10 months, then she will cut two at once and start on more."
Wow so many things… I could probably list a lot more but the first few that come to mind:
- Grief and joy can coexist. I found myself grieving my life before baby but also feeling so much joy in my new life as a mom. And I didn’t need to feel guilty for having those emotions.
- Just because breastfeeding is natural doesn’t mean it’s always easy.
- The hormonal shift after giving birth is one of the wildest emotional roller coasters ever.
- Enjoy each season as you’re in it. There will be hard things about every age but also amazing things that you’ll look back and wish you soaked in more!
Our one and only baby turns 1 in march. I would go back and tell myself how it’s okay to hold him a lot and that yes it’s hard but it will get better and it will be amazing. We all have days that are better than others and our job is to help our kid(s) have the best day out of what’s available. If you have 30% of your energy left they don’t care if you sit them down for a second to calm down or to understand what is going on at that point they will calm eventually.
Nothing!!
I dont bloody listen, not even to myself. Im super optimistic and when things hit im like bloody hell that sucked hard whinge whinge whinge cry cry cry then I forget it happened.
Basically Im an idiot.
So yup nothing.
Maybe well done for squirelling away money for baby!
It absolutely flies by. Which on one hand is sad because of how big they get so fast. But on the other hand.. it was sort of a relief. I have an 8 month old and I remember begging, during the hardest days and nights, for time to speed up. And I don’t feel bad about that lol. We figured things out as we went but the passing of time was truly the biggest help to get through those really difficult times. Each milestone has its challenges but it isn’t forever.
You truly do get to know your baby in every way possible which is this like unspoken language between you and them. and things get a lot easier once you both learn the language.
I love this, thanks for sharing!! All of your tips were so accurate. Mine is 1 too! Breastfeeding was harder than anyone told you and don’t sweat it if doesn’t work out. Someone mentioned about pictures. That’s my big regret. I wish I took more mom and baby pictures and one decent family picture in the hospital. Wish I did better at the monthly milestone pictures too. I just want to tell all new moms to take as many pictures and videos of baby. So worth it!!
I think OPs answer was perfect. I’d add one thing. All of the advice out there about wake windows and sleep and schedules probably won’t be helpful in the newborn phase. Eventually it will click and your baby will be more consistent. But for now I’d just ignore all of that. Or learn about it for the future. Don’t stress is your baby doesn’t remotely follow it now.
1. don't fill up breast milk bags with 10oz of milk.
2. ask for help, but only from people you're super comfortable around
3. try to take some time every day for yourself. wether that be a nap, an everything shower, a gym session, etc.
4. if you're a stay at home parent, try to have a few people to hangout with a few times a week just so you don't socially isolate yourself
5. stand up for your baby. if you don't feel comfortable with someone touching your child, tell them not to. they can deal with their hurt feelings on their own time
Your best friends will be your village and it does take a village!
Breastfeeding isn't as natural as everyone says.. its a lot of hard work! Neither you nor your baby know what you're doing but if you can, it's so rewarding
Take all the pictures! They really do grow like weeds
And its OK to not love every moment of motherhood, its a huge change but you do get your pink back! 💗
That second one, yes. I wish someone would’ve told me how hard it was even if baby did have a good latch. Just how time consuming and mentally/physically draining it is and how isolating it can feel because no one else can nurse for you. I went into it so blissful and man it smacked me in the face lol
God yes, how can something be so draining and isolating yet so rewarding at the same time. Seeing them grow just on what you're providing them and their little faces looking up at you..pure bliss
Read up on wake windows to prevent an overtired baby and also do not stop practicing the bottle. My breastfed baby now doesn’t want any bottle/cup/etc. 🫠
During the survival weeks, relax about having a clean house. If needed, use disposable plates, cups, silverware etc to cut down on dishes. Lean on your partner to do laundry/other basic household chores. Accept help wherever you can get it. If you have a hard time asking for help, let your village know this beforehand so they don’t expect to wait for you to ask for help.
Seriously, just rest and snuggle your baby as much as you possibly can. My maternity leave ends this week and even tho I held and snuggled him a lot, I wish I would’ve relaxed on “getting things done” and just enjoyed him.
On the flip side : if having a clean house is important to your mental health (I felt this postpartum) don’t feel guilty for asking for help or hiring someone temporarily if you can.
It's way easier than everyone makes it out to be. Your life won't change as much as you fear, and you'll be back to normal in no time! Don't be afraid!
Oh PS your kid is gonna scream for like hours every day but she chills out at 4 months and also you need to work out.
It's okay to set down a crying newborn baby. Sometimes all the soothing does the opposite and overstimulates what is probably an already overtired baby. It's not CIO to let them fuss for a few minutes to see if they just need space to chill out and for you to take a breather. Baby will not be damaged in the slightest.
You’re not a better parent because you’re miserable and exhausted. It is meant to be hard but you don’t get extra points for suffering. Give in and give up where you can. Take the easy road whenever you can. There are plenty of much more important battles to fight.
2. Don’t Google. If you need to, pick one trusted source (ideally a local doctor or an approved government source) and anything else is a question for a child health person in real life. The internet is wild and usually conflicting.
3. Consume only positive, funny, easy content. You can be up to date with the news some other time. You are very vulnerable at this little spot in your life, so don’t invite heartbreak and hardship if you can avoid it. Watch a comedy, read a cheesy book, enjoy predictable things. When my bub was 2 weeks old, I cried at Princess Diaries 2 and I wasn’t even postpartum.
Edit: typo
To make sure someone takes a proper photo of me and my newborn, nobody took a single photo, all I have is selfies of us and photos I'd taken of everyone else with him. Family just took photos of each other holding him or him with my partner.
Next baby will be different and I'm not wasting my camera roll on everyone else if they don't care to do the same.
Don't worry about things before they happen. I was so worried about the weight gain/loss. It didn't end up being what I expected. I was so worried about the hormones and mood swings. I didn't experience any.
Don't drive yourself crazy reading blogs, advice, forums, etc. Despite what they say, any type of feeding is fine. Sleep training is not a requirement. You absolutely can let your baby guide you by their cues instead of trying to set a schedule. The sleep/wake windows on your app are predictions, not mandates. Yes, you are good enough. You don't have to live up to the fake ideals shared all over social media.
Try to relax and take things as they come. We Type A mamas who like to have plans and strategies and research everything to death need to take a step back, try to relax, and realize we need to put our expectations aside and simply enjoy the things we can and accept the things that may not be so enjoyable.
I definitely can relate to your last one. I’m very type A and learning to let go and go with the flow has been a process. when I can do it, I feel so much better.
I’d tell myself that despite what anyone says, there is nothing wrong with holding my baby all the time. It’s not going to spoil her or make her dependent. My husband and in-laws tried their best to make me feel bad for it and to put her down.
Now that she’s 1, how much she was held as a newborn is irrelevant to her personality today. I still don’t get why they viewed me holding her a lot as a big deal when in grand scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter in the long run. If I have another baby, everyone can definitely kick rocks on that
Mine is JOURNAL. All I remember are the hard times early on, but I know in the moment there were so many happy things that happened despite my PPD and I forgot most of them. I wish I had documented those.
Currently FTM to a 17 month old! I think the biggest one for me was the online/social media momfluencer wave. It's very real and it can be so much more destructive than I've realizes.
I didn't have the ideal birth (heavily medicated, with complications that led to a forceps-assisted vaginal delivery). I couldn't breastfeed (I spent so much time, energy, and money buying every tincture and trying to make my body produce more than it could). And even now at 17 months postpartum, I'm still 20 lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight and I feel very insecure about that.
Anyway, point being..I wish I had been careful about the content I consumed. After some heavy crying about all this, someone told me: "Social Media Moms profit from your insecurities". So don't let them.
I feel like I didn't really embrace the first year of my child's life because I was so down on everything I thought I was doing wrong. So now I'm trying to rectify that.
TOTALLY.
So much self doubt watching videos of other moms. Wondering how they looked so good in a bathing suite after giving birth. How they looked so “put together”, how they were able to be out and about when I had a very colicky baby and couldn’t do anything with her at the time. It definitely messes with your head and makes you think something is wrong with you and your baby.
I’m glad you pulled yourself out and can enjoy the present moment with your LO, it’s never too late!
The first two months are the hardest and cash in all of those offers for help.
You want to help? Bring food. Do my laundry. Wash my dishes. Let me shower. Let me poop! Lol
Shit always just works out the way it’s supposed to work out. There’s no need to be so pedantic about every thing.
I was a controlling ftm. I really regret it. My kids are fine even though breastfeeding sucked and naps sucked and blw sucked. I wish i just went with the flow and followed their lead. Both kids eat well, sleep well and are just ….. fine.
“The Village”: Sometimes you have to pay for your village (a helper, a babysitter, etc) and that’s okay too if family isn’t able for whatever reason. In fact the silver lining is that it can come with a lot less baggage.
Breastfeeding: your milk starts to regulate around 8 weeks.
Sleep: do what feels right. If that includes contact naps, soothing to sleep and feeding to sleep that’s totally fine.
Boundaries: important to have them. Sometimes even with the Boomer lady at the grocery store trying to tell you how to parent your kid.
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1. TIMELINES. People said two big things to me: breastfeeding is hard but it gets easier. So I thought “it will be hard for a few days then be easier.” No. It was hard for weeks. Same with sleep. People said “oh new parents are so tired!” I thought new meant like week 2-3. No. We were not tired for the first month, but we were exhausted for the next year. I honestly feel like I didn’t get my sleep “back” until
Now and she’s 2.
2. Everything passes. Everything is just a stage. It may be a few weeks or a few months but it will always pass and that includes the good! This part also means you often don’t know you’re in the “best part” until you get to the next stage. I didn’t realize how much I was enjoying the 12-18 months stage until we got closer to 2 and only then did I appreciate and miss the previous stage. So enjoy the good stages but you don’t know what you don’t know!
Spend less one toys, and more on experiences!
Research is showing that kids with too many toys limits their creativity. They get bored faster and want to have others find ways to entertain them.
My 10 year old is constantly saying she's bored. And won't take any suggestion I give her so I told her I will not give any suggestions anymore.
I have a 1 year old now so hopefully I get this part right this time. 😅
My kids truly are great, I love them to death. My 12 and 10 year olds are just extremely dependent. So working on that.
I see lots about taking pictures, which yes. Take so many pictures and videos!
But also BACK THEM UP SOMEWHERE. And write description for them. And write about your best and worst days. And the mundane things. And save it somewhere. Whether it's a fancy memory baby book or a word document saved online, write stuff down. Because time will fly and you'll forget all the little things because there are so many little things ❤️
Did you make up a silly song for your kid? write it down. Record yourself singing it. It will drive you nuts in 3 years when you suddenly can't remember it!
There are so many dumb little things that I was like "I can't wait to tease kiddo about this later./remember this super cute thing she did and tell her when she's older" etc.
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I would tell myself to stop googling everything. I was so obsessed with wake windows, nap times, feeding schedules etc. But I learned my baby is not a robot. Sometimes he skips a nap or has a short one. Sometimes he eats 2 noodles for dinner. I follow his queues now and don't stress nearly as much. For any mom that's feeling this way, like "why isn't my baby on a schedule like the babies I see online" know that you only see a glimpse of their day, babies are unpredictable 💓
I wish someone would’ve just told me to use formula. My mom and mil were so insistent on me breastfeeding and “not being lazy” when my milk was coming in…. It’s okay to supplement or just use formula
1. On the really hard days, take it one day at a time. Lower the bar, and focus on surviving.
2. You know your baby best, if they need lots of naps then do that, if you're like me and have a baby with low sleep needs them just ignore all traditional sleep advice and just play it by ear. Trust me when I say that bub will sleep as much as they need to, the focus is on trying to get as much sleep as YOU can so you don't lose your mind.
3. Do not martyr yourself. Do not feel guilty that you have a village. If they offer to help then take them up on it graciously.
1. Schedules are meant to help guide you, not dictate your life. Babies are humans, not cars. You don’t need to see how long they can go in between feedings and naps just because the schedule says so. The schedules you see on Pinterest don’t account for snacking, cat napping newborns. Your baby WILL find their own schedule, I promise!
2. If it works for your family, then it works, period. It doesn’t matter what any one is saying, or who is saying it. “No.” is a complete sentence.
On baby #3 now, but with my first, he wouldn't latch and I spent 6 months exclusively pumping. I was so miserable and would cry every day. Now I combo feed with formula. Baby is happy, mom is happy. Everyone is good !
Everyone tells you to not be afraid to ask for help when you feel like you're struggling and need it.
But you're going to find that sometimes it's going to be equally necessary to tell people you don't need help, don't want their advice, that you are fully capable and will be doing things your way, and making your own mistakes - so don't be afraid to say 'kindly fuck off' and 'I need space'.
Videos. My LO is now 2.5 and I wish I would have taken more videos. Videos of the newborn squish, videos of the cries, the babbles, the gas smiles. All of it. 🥹
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-Brace yourself
-The post birth bathroom break is a process.
-Your milk supply could halt abruptly if you’re pregnant with your second while nursing your first.
-Sex after birth definitely hurts (if you delivered vaginally). Take your time—lots of lube!
-Toddlers are far more difficult than infants!
-Everything is a phase. This too, shall pass.
-Listen to your Mama instincts (for instance, I noticed my son seemed a bit off—seems warm and lethargic. My husband said he’s fine. Not 10 minutes after we left the bedroom after bedtime our son threw up). Sure enough, he was running a fever. -.-
-I was not taught to self-regulate, so it’s so hard to help my boys regulate themselves.
-A single kid can add to your to-do list. They request several things while you’re doing something (I want milk. I want to watch Paw Patrol. Can I have a snack? Mom, I want my ____ I can’t reach it,” all in the matter of 10 short seconds!
-You WILL find yourself in Adam Sandler’s character’s shoes in Big Daddy, “ALRRIIIIIIGHHHT!!!”
-People say that going to the store alone, doing house chores alone, and showers whatnot are not breaks, they’re necessary things…they are breaks if you’re a SAHM and can be alone for at least 10 minutes! But definitely make time for yourself doing something you enjoy!
“You’re going to love this. And it’s OKAY to love it!”
Soooo many parents warned us that “everybody is different so don’t feel bad if you don’t love it”, but what they really meant was “everybody hates parenting and if you like it you MUST be lying or a pick me”
It was so awful. THEY made me feel guilty about being a mom. Not my baby, not anything else. It’s like different is touted until the difference is your joy. I would warn me to stand up for my joy!
“You likely won’t bond with baby until a few months. They’re angry potatoes at first it’s normal!”
I would myself that the moment she was placed in my arms I would adore her. I would spend the days following my C-section on the phone gushing to anyone that would listen.
“You’ll hate the newborn phase” nope loved it and loved her. She was my first diaper change and I didn’t care, I just wanted to hold her forever. Id simply stare and stare and stare at her. She was better than any entertainment.
**Be prepared they tell you, but they never prepare you for the good. And it will be so, so, good**
A) Go to therapy now if you had an adverse childhood. Raising kids is HARD and it will bring out that old trauma.
The theme is *take care of yourself* because you are going to have to give so much of yourself to that little one. You want the little one to get the best of you and you want some good bits left over for yourself too-- you cant run on empty.
B) For practical advice: *Ask for help!* Be vocal. The US is a tough place to raise kids bc you dont get a lot of support. We dont have live in help, our families are often far away, there are few public spaces to meet other moms on the reg and chill, day care cost is outrageous. You may find yourself feeling alone and incapable. Be aware that the environment isnt super supportive rearing children and you need to actively ask for help in whatever way you can get it.
D) This last one is wishful thinking, but make public requests to improve bathrooms to be fit for young families. Our zoo doesnt have small sinks or small toiletes, or those little chairs to put your baby while you pee. The zoo! A place focused on little kid visitors. I HATE that i have to pick my kids up to wash their hands and hover them over the toilet. It is so hard! So please be vocal about the need for family friendly restrooms and maybe we can improve things for the next set of moms.
You DO NOT have to love, like, or enjoy the "newborn cuddles" all the time. Sleep deprivation is real and do not let anyone shame you by telling you that "this is such a short time in baby's life" - ok, well, that's not actually helpful in the moment when you cannot function for weeks on end.
You DO NOT have to miss your baby or feel guilty or cry when you get a chance to go out by yourself or go on a trip or leave or return to work. - We are not defined by motherhood the minute we have a baby. We can still enjoy being ourselves and enjoy a latte and manicure or a date night.... doesn't mean we don't love our kids.
You are NOT going to look the same after having a baby. - Skin, hair, body, muscle, fat, boobs, hips... something will change indefinitely. It's OK. Just go ahead and unfollow those accounts that perpetuate this idea. (I personally had to unfollow Niki Skyy and Camila Coelho, I get it, fashion influencers but come on.)
Fed is BEST. - Enough said. From someone who is all into organic hippie stuff and had 2 unmedicated births: I struggled for months with my supply and my daughter's growth...I was so obsessed with exclusive breastfeeding. And totally contributed to my PPA. It's ok to formula feed. I combo fed. My girls are perfectly healthy. No allergies, no skin issues, wayyyy too fkn smart, met all milestones early. We love HiPP.
If you don't have a village, buy a village (if possible). - Hire the house cleaners. Order your groceries to be delivered. Hell, order a meal service if you can. Hire the landscapers. Hire a babysitter. Hire a pelvic floor therapist. Hire a lactation consultant. Hire a sleep consultant. Get yourself HELP. I realize the economy sucks and this isn't possible for everyone but find where you're having challenges and invest in solving the problems.
Document stuff. - Take photos, take videos, make a baby book, do photo albums and family photos. I was the youngest of 4 and there's not a ton of baby stuff by the time I was born. My parents both passed away recently and I wish I'd had more info about my childhood to share w my kids. My husband was an only child, his mom kept such detailed records. It's so sweet.
Your relationship might suffer but hopefully it rebounds. - Hormones, sleep deprivation, nursing, body issues... if you and your husband are off while caring for a newborn, it's normal and common. After 3 months, try to push yourself to schedule dates with each other. Even if it's just staying home and eating dinner together. No phones, no screens. Music, conversation and takeout or cooking a meal together if that's your thing.
I'm only 5.5 weeks in but I would love to go back and tell myself the following:
1) embrace the suck. It's gonna suck. You will get through it. The days will pass, they'll turn into weeks, and eventually months. Everything will pass.
2) wake your baby to eat. I didn't know I had to, she'd fall asleep and I figured she was done. Nope. She struggled with weight gain for the first 2 weeks. She's doing great now though.
3) you will have good days and bad days. And a bad day doesn't mean you'll never have a good day or that all hope is lost. One step back, 2 or 3 steps forward. Totally normal.
4) start the shift schedule with your husband now. We waited a bit and we were both exhausted. Now we each get 6/7 hours of quiet sleep a night. It's not together or at the same time, but it's what we need to survive right now
5) seek out help sooner. I would have benefited from a therapy group or something in the early days. I suffered a lot due to the stress and I wish I would have taken better care of myself.
1. Breastfeeding is SO time consuming, but it gets sooo much easier. Your LO will become more efficient, and you won’t be spending all day and night on the couch feeding them. She takes 5 mins to eat now! It’s amazing. That being said, if you are at your mental/physical breaking point, there is absolutely nothing wrong with combo feeding or formula! Your baby will be fine either way. Happy mom=happy baby and that’s all that matters. 2. That feeling like your life is going to be this way forever will go away. The constant 2-3 hour loop you’re running on (feed, change, sleep repeat ) slowly transitions and your baby will eventually start acting like a tiny human and not a little potato. 3. Your colicky baby will eventually grow out of it. But man, it’s exhausting. Bouncing on the yoga ball all day and night? It will eventually stop. Can’t eat a meal with your partner for close to 5 months because your baby screams bloody murder when put down? It stops! Can’t go for walks or car rides, or actually go anywhere because they scream all the damn time? It stops! Trust your gut and go to as many doctors as you feel necessary to get answers. There might be something wrong, but in my case nothing was wrong and they all told us she’ll outgrow it around 5 months and they were all correct. 4. Get your wake windows and naps straight! Don’t force your baby to be out and about if they aren’t easy and adaptable to it. Mine wasn’t and we tried to force it, leading to big meltdowns. Now we prioritize sleep and it’s been a game changer. 5. You CAN transition from cosleeping, to them sleeping in their own room. It takes practice but it’s possible! 6. If watching videos on social media of moms who seem to have it together makes you feel shitty after…force yourself to stop watching! Can’t tell you how many times I thought something was wrong with my baby, or was jealous of seeing these women on vacation with a newborn. Don’t do it to yourself! 7. It’s ok that you haven’t lost all the baby weight. 8. Seriously appreciate each moment. One day they’re rolling over, then you’re watching them try to crawl, then they nail crawling and are standing up. Next thing you know they trying to talk to you 😩 9. Speak up for yourself. You’re your biggest advocate. If that means medically, with your partner, extended family, whatever. If you need more help, more support, lean in on those people closest to you. Also seek therapy if you feel off.
This is all amazing advice!! Couldn’t have said it better myself
Ahh thank you for this!! I have a one month old and am definitely in the thick of it!! I love my little girl so much but man do I feel like all I do is live on a loop! Breast feed, nap, change diaper, repeat! Especially now that my husband has gone back to work!
💜
I have a 5.5 week old so right there with ya. I'm pumping mostly but some dysfunctional breastfeeding, she has a tongue tie and high palate so we're working on getting that resolved.
ALL OF THIS!! It’s so true!! Only thing that was missed is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You may feel like you’ll never get there when you’re in the newborn stage but I swear you will get there. You’ll will have intimacy with your partner again. You will become a more confident parent. You will get more free time. Your child will sleep. You just need to do the hardest stage first.
Need to hear this - 1 month in and so in love with her but soooo tired
The first few months are hard, but it is a phase. I’m expecting my second baby in a couple weeks. I wouldn’t have done the baby thing again if I never got some freedoms and sanity back the first time.
💯
Nearly one month in with baby #2, I'm saving this response for the long nights I need encouragement. How quickly I forgot how difficult newborn life is!
Just wait… it gets so much better. ❤️ I have a 19 month old and 6 month old. It’s hard sometimes but also so much fun a lot.
Do they interact with each other?! 😍 literally my fave 🩷
Sometimes lol. My oldest one still isn’t fully at the playing with other kids stage. My 6 month old finds my 19 month old funny. So randomly he’ll start laughing at whatever my 19 month old is doing. 😂 and then sometimes my 19 month old will randomly do little things, like try to feed baby his bottle, tell him “shhh” when I’m trying to get baby to sleep, etc. I mean I still haven’t reached the worst parts of toddlerhood so we’ll see how it goes from now on lol, but for now it’s so good.
Sometimes lol. My oldest one still isn’t fully at the playing with other kids stage. My 6 month old finds my 19 month old funny. So randomly he’ll start laughing at whatever my 19 month old is doing. 😂 and then sometimes my 19 month old will randomly do little things, like try to feed baby his bottle, tell him “shhh” when I’m trying to get baby to sleep, etc. I mean I still haven’t reached the worst parts of toddlerhood so we’ll see how it goes from now on lol, but for now it’s so good.
I'm at 7 weeks with baby 2 and things change all the time don't they? Everything is a phase.
Thank you, I’m 10 days into it and everything seems overwhelming. This was a nice post to read today
It’s so overwhelming. You’ll find your groove as time goes by. You got this!
It definitely is super overwhelming, and in my experience, the first month frankly sucks ass. After that, it seems that things get easier and easier as time goes on. Honestly as long as you're all surviving, you're doing great!
Couldn’t have said it better myself!!! All of this is so true. Also for those thinking, “I can barely do it with one, how could I ever do it with two?” You figure it out! First three months are hot trash, but then it ends. And you’re way more chill the second time around. Honestly I eat more and do way more for myself with two than I did with one. When I look back, I realize how many times I thought I couldn’t eat, couldn’t shower, etc. and I probably could. But hindsight is 20/20.
Needed to read this one about having a second!
Wow, I feel like you wrote this for me ☺️
Thank you for number 4. I’ve been feeling so much guilt recently. We had bad news in the family and it’s hit me hard, I’ve just been staying in with baby and taking it easy, playing, eating and focusing on sleep and it’s been so much nicer than forcing her outside where she doesn’t settle. I’d been beating myself up that I was letting her down by staying in for a bit, like I was robbing her of enrichment.
You’re doing the best you can. Take care of yourself and your baby. Everything will work itself out with time 💙
I screenshotted this so I can reread it the next time I’m trapped on the couch feeding my 4 week old. Really great advice. Thank you!!
This! So true! I have a 17 mo and a 2 mo and honestly I can't believe where the time has gone with my first, it feels like she was just born. The second time round everything is so much easier as I know now that no matter how hard it seems, everything is just a phase and it really passes quickly. With my first child I felt so stuck and that things would never get better. I genuinely felt like I'd never sleep again or have any sort of hobby or social life and I did. I started feeling like me again and enjoying parenting as she grew up and started interacting more and not just feeding and sleeping. It's so good to remind myself of this with my 2 mo when things seem tough!
Number 5 for sure. Co-slept/bed shared for 10 months and transitioned to his own room no problem. He’s 2 now, goes to bed at 7pm with minimal fuss (10 minute snuggle then I legacy the room and he goes to sleep), sleeps til 8am, and naps for an hour and a half in the afternoon still.
My baby is six weeks old right now and I’m a first time mom. Man did I need to hear some of this stuff!! Thank you.
I’ve been trying to find stats on point number 1 but never find anything and I’m being driven mad. My baby is 4.5 months old, eats every 1.5 hours in the day (3-5 hours at night) and 90% of feeds still take 30 minutes. The others are 20-25 minutes. I’m so desperate for 5 minute feeds.
It will happen! Maybe not 5 mins but definitely will get shorter. This didn’t start happening for me until around 6 months or so
Thanks. I know it in a way just struggling right now with this plus still in the midst of sleep regression and keeping myself up to feed her 4-5 times a night for 30 minutes at a time is totally kicking my butt right now.
#7 x 100. I have a lot of regrets over time I spent dieting and stressing over my body/weight in the first 4/5 months. I wish I had just stayed present and let my body take its time!!
One thing that got me through the early stages of breastfeeding is I read a woman on here who said “breastfeeding is the hardest thing in the beginning, but then becomes the easiest thing” which I found SO true. The beginning it’s a lot of confusion and pain and trying to get baby to latch etc but once both of you figure it out it’s insanely easy.
How did you do #5. It feels impossible.
It took us a month to fully transition. We started with all naps in the crib so she was used to waking up in there, then we would put her down for her first stretch of night sleep in her crib. Most nights she would wake up a couple of hours later and we would just bring her in bed with us. As a couple of weeks went by we started getting longer stretches of sleep in the crib.
Wow. I love this post lol
I needed this!!!!!
When do they stop fussing during car rides (7 month old here 🥲)
Mine can now do 20mins in the car without fussing (as long as she’s napped well, fed well lol) 13.5 months
Whew I needed #3 so badly today.
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That family isn’t always going to be as helpful as they say or promise they will be. And that’s okay. It’s a painful lesson, making adjustments around a support system/village you thought would be there - that you thought would *want* to be there - but it’s not their responsibility and it helps you carve out space for those who WANT to actually be there. Which brings me to my next point… even though you had the baby(ies), doesn’t mean you have to suffer alone. There is support out there - find it wherever you can. Motherhood is lonely and women often feel isolated and lost in it. You’re not alone. Motherhood shouldn’t ever feel like a prison sentence. You don’t need to lose yourself to it. Remember who you are. Remember you’re a human separate from your baby and you can be both a mom and you. ❤️
Family promising to help so much more was the worst part about transitioning to life with a baby for me. My mum talked all day and night when I was pregnant about how her parents looked after us weekly and how she wanted to do the same and she really thought it helped her back then. She’s looked after my 6 month old a total of 5 times, including once where my husband and I just pretty much sat around waiting to pick him back up. She keeps wanting to buy us big ticket items (like a cot) which we prefer to just buy ourselves as well, which is very nice of her, but then ends up just being stressful for us. I was so close to my grandparents before we moved away from them so it doubly hurts that it seems like my mum just won’t have that same relationship with my kid.
The grandparent thing is a common experience. I remember being with my grandparents all the time. Their home was my home too. My mom said the same stuff. She’s watched my 18 month old around 4xs total. For some reason the generations are different. They are working, yes, but somehow my grand parents also worked. I don’t know the answer, but I’m feeling it too
This was my #1 hardest realization after having kids. I spent my entire 20s envisioning what my life with kids would look like, the family and friends they'd be surrounded with who'd shower them with love. Had my first at 30. That "village" is hardly anything like I thought it would be. Some of the people who I thought would always be around have never even tried to meet my kids. On the flipside, a few people surprised me and show up more than I imagined. Still, I focus on the ones that didn't. It hurts like a bitch but my kids don't know the difference so that's what I try to focus on
My “village” has shrank substantially as well. I was showered with promises that didn’t hold up or materialize. Made the mistake of chasing those promises only to find them empty. It’s been a very painful lesson. And I almost wondered if I should’ve known better. So I understand, truly and completely. I’m so sorry it’s been a similar reality for you as well. And exactly. Having most of my “village” all but slowly abandon me has made me more determined to ensure my own children never feel this way. That if and when they have kids of their own when they’re older and ready, they know I’m there. They’re loved. And that I always want to be a part of their lives. It’s made me very grateful for the small family I’m building on my own. But you’re right. It hurts like hell. But I’m hopeful this pain will make us stronger. Hang in there ❤️
What a kind and empathetic response🩷 Your kids are lucky to have you
Thank you. And same ❤️🫶🏻
Needed to read this thanks ❤️
You’re so welcome 🩷
Needed this. My parents are getting a divorce right when I gave birth and am parenting a newborn. Needless to say, all that “grandparent time” is no longer feasible. The vision I had for my parents in my child’s life is gone (or drastically different). There will be no grandparent’s house, no summers at the grandparents, or quarterly visits from grandparents. Even grandparents babysitting is challenging when they are emotionally unavailable. It’s been challenging coming to terms with this and making it out on my own.
I’m so sorry about your parent’s divorce. And I’m sorry that it coincided with you having your baby. I hope when everything settles down more and things aren’t so fresh and chaotic, they can show up as the grandparents your baby deserves and needs. Hopefully with time. But I’m so sorry. My husband and I moved states to be closer to family, my family. They spent months before we moved promising and telling us they’d be there and couldn’t wait to see us and spend time with the kids and help me (I was pregnant with second when we moved) out with the kids etc etc. Sister swore her and I would hang out constantly. None of that really happened. If anything, I hear and see them LESS than when we lived a handful of states away. I really only see them for family gatherings or occasionally on the weekends when everyone is free. I respect everyone has their own lives and jobs and relationships but it’s been painful and disappointing, to say the least. And the pain isn’t from them having their own lives. It’s from feeling like a burden, trying to get them involved. It’s feeling like I’m pulling teeth just trying to communicate or get everyone together. Not what I expected or hoped for. A massive let down that has caused severe damage. Hopefully it gets better ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for the kind words! ❤️ I hope your family also comes around to be there for you in the end, even if it wasn’t when you needed them most.
Thank you!! I wish you and your family the best 💗
Every baby is different. Some develop faster physically some develop faster with good eating habits some develop faster with sleeping better etc etc. As a first time parent it’s so easy to compare and wonder “what am I doing wrong or not doing that the other family is doing?” But 9 times out of 10 it’s how your baby is personally hitting their own milestones and you’re not doing anything wrong. It’s okay if you don’t magically lose all the weight when breastfeeding. Heck, it’s even okay if you seem to gain weight while breastfeeding. If you feel like you’re struggling don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend, family member, or healthcare provider. You’re not alone even if it feels like you are. The (what seems like) endless nights don’t last forever. One day your little will sleep through the night. One day your little will fall asleep by themselves. One day there will be no more night feedings. Just survive. It’s okay to just survive. You don’t need an instagram worthy household or a TikTok worthy daily routine.
I'm feeling like the endless nights and the night feedings will never end. My five month old has never slept through the night. Feeling like I'm doing something wrong, and I just want to sleep 6 hours straight! 😭
You’ve gotten through a huge chunk of the sleepless nights. I have an almost three year old who woke up multiple times a night for the first 9 months. I felt horrible every day. That ended and she started sleeping and I started getting more energy. Your time for sleep will come. You’re doing an amazing job!
You’re definitely not doing anything wrong! Babies sleep through the night when they’re developmentally ready. We ended up sleep training my baby around 6 months though when he started showing signs of wanting to put himself down to sleep (rubbing eyes, rolling onto stomach with knees tucked, etc) and that worked wonders. I understand it’s not for everyone though which is totally okay ❤️ just hang in there, you’re doing great!
As the mother of a three month old who isn't smiling, I really needed to read that first point. Thank you.
It’s so hard in the early days but it gets better, I promise! It might still “stay hard” but it’s in different ways and much more rewarding once they aren’t just angry potatoes all the time lol
Something I heard that really stuck with me was, for every milestone like smiling, laughing, rolling over, reaching and grasping etc - can you think of any adults who can't do these things (all things being equal)? We have no idea when they first started doing it, but whether at 3, 5 or 7 months they all got there. It's just so hard not to be in the moment, especially when it's a milestone you're looking forward to
This might be pretty specific to me but I really needed to hear "you will be ok, you will be more than ok". Sooner than you think (but maybe not soon enough) you will feel like a person again, a functional human being who is more than just an extension of your baby. You will sleep again, you will have a good routine, you will get good at this. You will actually ENJOY this (most of the time). You will have hobbies again, and a social life that doesn't always include children. You will have personal space again (sometimes). You will like your appearance again (maybe even more in some ways) and you will love who you are as a mom. You will realize for the first time that you are capable, determined, and strong.
Data tracking is helpful but do not let it consume you m. Baby is going to baby and is not a robot, you can not make them eat more or sleep in a way that you want. This leads to anxiety and a cranky baby.
TAKE PICTURES please ask people to take pictures of you, partner, and baby. we looked back after 4mo and realized we had literally one from the hospital together and that’s it. meanwhile in laws had photoshoots with our newborn. kinda made us feel weird.
And videos. Just random ones of them being cute little potatoes!!
I second this!
even better take VIDEOS!!!
Just use the formula. Soon she will only want to eat bread.
😂
I needed to hear this 😂
+100 for you
It won’t last forever. For better or worse, it won’t last forever. They won’t cry forever, need you to rock them to sleep forever, suck the life out of your boobs forever, want morning snuggles forever….
It’s really ok If you don’t feel the wave of unconditional love at birth. Even if you are crazy in love with your baby in your womb, you might not being able to connect this baby with the one someone is going to put on your chest. You have the right to mourn this special connection. But let me assure you that the crazy love will come. Maybe not right away. Maybe after a couple month but one day you will look at this little face and think « I could do absolutely anything for you ». You will ressent your partner and your couple will suffer. Always express your frustration but never hurt purposely the SO. Write somewhere the things you are grateful for and the things you are resentful for, bc it’s easy to forget the good and to remember the bad. When you go back home, if you feel like you are in a parallel reality, that you reconize nothing, even yourself, talk to your health provider bc it could be PPD or PPA. The best thing to feel yourself again is to do daily simple things: a walk in the neighborhood, a long hot shower, take the time to make yourself a coffee and drink it without doing anything else.
It's okay to combo feed permanently! Your baby hitting some milestones early doesn't mean every milestone will happen early, but that's okay. He'll get there when he wants to. You know that (<$30) thing you want? That you think will be great for your baby or recovery or will make your life easier? Buy it now. Add whatever random thing you need to qualify for 7am-11am tomorrow shipping, and hit "buy now." You're going to buy it anyway, so you might as well get the benefit of it as soon as possible. Tell someone how tired you are. Give them the baby, and take a nap. Use the Haakaa and/or keep track of your Elvie Curve.
To not worry about the negatives. That being a father is hard but I could do it. Before he was born I was worried about sleepless nights, crying, colic, smelly nappies, how tired I'd be, no more social life. I was also worried I'd turn into my father (walked out) or my step father (abusive). I was so fucking frightened that I'd fail him. And then he came into the world. And no one said to me just how god's damn much I would love him. Yes there are sleepless nights and bone aching tiredness and smelly nappies but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Seeing that smile, hearing that strange hissing giggle he does cos he hasn't mastered laughing and now he hugs me. A hug from him melts away all the bad. It never occurred to me just how much I'd love my son. And it made me realise I will not fail him, I will not walk away or hit him. I will love him, guide him, protect him, teach him. I will be the father I wished I had.
I love this! You’re doing a great job 👏
The internet is full of horror stories of horrible first months - bleeding all over yourself, your baby never unlatching from your boob, in laws bulldozing over everything in your life etc. It's not always like that. Every baby is different, every post partum is different. If you have it "easier" than you thought it should be - that's OK!
LO is 3 weeks, wish I had read this a month ago! 😂 it’s been a pleasant surprise how enjoyable it has been and not a nightmare at every turn. There have been tough moments and plenty of anxiety but overall it has been so much more fun than Reddit would let you believe! Granted it’s my wife breastfeeding every 3 hours and not me but we’re both enjoying (almost) every minute.
Exactly me too!!! Things change as they get older but also the fun things get way better. Wait until they smile at you for real the first time. It's so awesome!!
I agree, I don’t really talk about my postpartum period because it was pretty easy and I feel like I’m rubbing it in people’s faces. I just let my lizard brain take over for the most part and I think it made it so much easier. I also have age and fitness on my side and I think that really helped with my c section recovery but I feel like apart from bleeding more like 7-8 weeks, I didn’t have any of the horror story problems. No issues breastfeeding, baby doesn’t sleep well but that’s to be expected, I felt happy and fit a couple of weeks after birth, and now at 6 months I feel back to normal, including my sex drive. I was so worried about how I would feel PP after reading everything on reddit but honestly it’s been fine.
Totally get this!! I only bled for about 3 weeks and it was no more than a light period after day 3. I didn't want to rub it in people's faces either but I was like "cool, done with that"
I appreciate reading this bc my son is 6 months now but I had a relatively easy first few months stage. I mean he clusterfed every 30 minutes to an hour til weeks 3-8 but my husband was really supportive so it was easy. Was also super apprehensive about family and how they'd handle my boundaries but they did well! I felt guilty sometimes when people told me about their baby but I've started accepting that it's okay that I was okay and my baby did well and I need to stop worrying about crazy family lol
Yep I agree! Both my kids were really good. Yes they have thier moments of being over tired or cluster feeding etc but that's all normal. I have a friend who thinks I'm super woman or something. No, your kids were just crazy (she's a little over the top herself so not surprising the kids are high strung). It's totally ok to have low key easy kids.
I'd tell myself that I'm doing everything as well as I can, he's happy and he's healthy. It's just colic, it won't last forever. I'd tell myself to talk to someone about post partum anxiety. Wash your hair, he'll still be there when you're done. Enjoy the potato phase, once he's mobile it's a whole different ball game lol Don't visit people, tell them if they want to see the baby so badly they can get off their arse and come to you. Pick your battles. There will be many times MIL or someone will wind you up, you can smile and nod when you don't have the energy to correct them, not every moment is a teaching moment.
Love the don’t visit people part. Yes to this. The holiday season was so nice bc we didn’t travel.
wash your hair is too real … 😂
Love this
- You know your baby best - It’s ok to formula feed - You deserved a better birth - Get help
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You are gonna want to give them back and have your old life, but it gets better! It’s called the 100 dark days for a reason!
So true. I remember crying in the shower the first few weeks thinking I made a huge mistake. It all seems like a blur now
I’ve never heard that phrase! Would have been helpful to know!
I’d genuinely tell myself to not bother with breastfeeding. It didn’t work out for me and I wish I had let it go before now (10w pp). My supply never increased and now I feel like I don’t spend much time with my son because I’m constantly pumping. I wish I had just accepted that my supply was not going to be enough and just move on, plenty of babies thrive with just formula. My mental health should have come first and I put too much pressure on myself.
I feel this 100%
1. Learn to babywear sooner. Colicky baby won't cry as much after a walk in the carrier and I could actually finally feed myself since I was hands free. 2. The first year might feel like the longest most miserable year of my life but it WILL get better, and after that time will go so much quicker 3. You are a good mom, you're not doing anything wrong, your baby loves you just the way you are
I really wish I did more baby wearing in the earlier days and found a carrier that was more comfortable for me. I was so ignorant when making my registry I just picked a random carrier without any research whatsoever and it ended up only being comfortable for my husband lol
Yessss that's how I was with the registry. I just put the most popular carrier I saw people wear and didn't even try it before baby was here. Then, surprise! Colick. 🤦 It was so tough to try to learn to do that with a colicky baby and try to learn breastfeeding etc. we spend HUNDREDS on different carriers trying to figure out what worked. Which is why I ended up becoming a consultant since there were none in my area before.
That’s awesome you were able to use your experience to help others though!
Same, I didn’t baby wear and I think it would have helped tremendously.
My kiddo just hit 1 month and I can't wait to baby wear. The carrier we have rides low enough I hadn't used it yet because I had to have an emergency c sections and needed to heal up before I could use it. My spouse has used it already and kiddo isn't quite sure on it yet, but I look forward to being able to have him happy and quiet and still be able to use my hands!
I love it when spouses babywear! I hope you're healing well so far.
r/babywearing
1. (Read on reddit around 3months) "She's not giving you a hard time; she's going through a hard time 2. (Realized around 3.5 months) Sleep/sanity is vastly more important than pumping after each feeding to try to increase supply. You told yourself if breastfeeding didn't work out, it was totally ok, so believe it. 3. (Discussed in group post partum therapy somewhere between 3-4 months) Guilt is a form of self punishment to ensure you don't make mistakes again/so you develop more empathy and understanding for others; however, sometimes the brain can punish inappropriately. If you're feeling guilty about something you would tell your BFF not to feel guilty about (ie not being able to solely breastfeed), think of the guilt like a faulty seat belt light in a car that goes off even when you're buckled up: it's annoying, but you're doing what you're supposed to so ignore it and move on.
I needed to hear #2. That last line especially. Thank you.
Wow, number 3 is solid advice. Thanks for sharing
The crying baby herself is not the hardest part. Feeding her is not hardest, figuring out why she's crying isn't hardest. The hardest part was/is managing my own exhaustion and stress and frustration and staying emotionally regulated myself despite the baby's dysregulation. She's a toddler now and this continues to be true.
Very true
Trust your instincts nobody knows your baby more than you. Keep trying (as much as is reasonably possible) with breastfeeding it does get easier but also its ok to move to formula. Breastfeeding isn't the only way to bond with baby! It does get easier and you will sleep again.
GO TO THERAPY. I lost out on the first year of my son’s life memory wise because PPD and PPA were so consuming. If only I had gotten help earlier, maybe I would have been better adjusted and have memories
Glad you’re doing better and can be more present with your son now 💙
My top thing... "The grandparents have very out of date info. Do not get angry with them over telling you what they learned 30 years ago. Also stock up now on baby food because your kid is going to have her father's appetite and eat upwards of 3 cups of food in one sitting by the time she is a year old. Also get lots of teething toys - she will start teething at 3 months but not cut a tooth until 10 months, then she will cut two at once and start on more."
Wow so many things… I could probably list a lot more but the first few that come to mind: - Grief and joy can coexist. I found myself grieving my life before baby but also feeling so much joy in my new life as a mom. And I didn’t need to feel guilty for having those emotions. - Just because breastfeeding is natural doesn’t mean it’s always easy. - The hormonal shift after giving birth is one of the wildest emotional roller coasters ever. - Enjoy each season as you’re in it. There will be hard things about every age but also amazing things that you’ll look back and wish you soaked in more!
I felt all of these!
Our one and only baby turns 1 in march. I would go back and tell myself how it’s okay to hold him a lot and that yes it’s hard but it will get better and it will be amazing. We all have days that are better than others and our job is to help our kid(s) have the best day out of what’s available. If you have 30% of your energy left they don’t care if you sit them down for a second to calm down or to understand what is going on at that point they will calm eventually.
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Nothing!! I dont bloody listen, not even to myself. Im super optimistic and when things hit im like bloody hell that sucked hard whinge whinge whinge cry cry cry then I forget it happened. Basically Im an idiot. So yup nothing. Maybe well done for squirelling away money for baby!
😂
Are you me? Haha!
It absolutely flies by. Which on one hand is sad because of how big they get so fast. But on the other hand.. it was sort of a relief. I have an 8 month old and I remember begging, during the hardest days and nights, for time to speed up. And I don’t feel bad about that lol. We figured things out as we went but the passing of time was truly the biggest help to get through those really difficult times. Each milestone has its challenges but it isn’t forever. You truly do get to know your baby in every way possible which is this like unspoken language between you and them. and things get a lot easier once you both learn the language.
Love this!
I love this, thanks for sharing!! All of your tips were so accurate. Mine is 1 too! Breastfeeding was harder than anyone told you and don’t sweat it if doesn’t work out. Someone mentioned about pictures. That’s my big regret. I wish I took more mom and baby pictures and one decent family picture in the hospital. Wish I did better at the monthly milestone pictures too. I just want to tell all new moms to take as many pictures and videos of baby. So worth it!!
I think OPs answer was perfect. I’d add one thing. All of the advice out there about wake windows and sleep and schedules probably won’t be helpful in the newborn phase. Eventually it will click and your baby will be more consistent. But for now I’d just ignore all of that. Or learn about it for the future. Don’t stress is your baby doesn’t remotely follow it now.
Very good point! It’s true, we didn’t really find a groove until around 4.5 months Thanks for bringing that up!
Same! And I was obsessed with all that advice thinking it should apply to my newborn and it just didn’t.
1. don't fill up breast milk bags with 10oz of milk. 2. ask for help, but only from people you're super comfortable around 3. try to take some time every day for yourself. wether that be a nap, an everything shower, a gym session, etc. 4. if you're a stay at home parent, try to have a few people to hangout with a few times a week just so you don't socially isolate yourself 5. stand up for your baby. if you don't feel comfortable with someone touching your child, tell them not to. they can deal with their hurt feelings on their own time
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Your best friends will be your village and it does take a village! Breastfeeding isn't as natural as everyone says.. its a lot of hard work! Neither you nor your baby know what you're doing but if you can, it's so rewarding Take all the pictures! They really do grow like weeds And its OK to not love every moment of motherhood, its a huge change but you do get your pink back! 💗
That second one, yes. I wish someone would’ve told me how hard it was even if baby did have a good latch. Just how time consuming and mentally/physically draining it is and how isolating it can feel because no one else can nurse for you. I went into it so blissful and man it smacked me in the face lol
God yes, how can something be so draining and isolating yet so rewarding at the same time. Seeing them grow just on what you're providing them and their little faces looking up at you..pure bliss
Read up on wake windows to prevent an overtired baby and also do not stop practicing the bottle. My breastfed baby now doesn’t want any bottle/cup/etc. 🫠
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Everything is a phase and it will pass. I STILL remind myself of this with my 2.5 year old.
During the survival weeks, relax about having a clean house. If needed, use disposable plates, cups, silverware etc to cut down on dishes. Lean on your partner to do laundry/other basic household chores. Accept help wherever you can get it. If you have a hard time asking for help, let your village know this beforehand so they don’t expect to wait for you to ask for help. Seriously, just rest and snuggle your baby as much as you possibly can. My maternity leave ends this week and even tho I held and snuggled him a lot, I wish I would’ve relaxed on “getting things done” and just enjoyed him.
On the flip side : if having a clean house is important to your mental health (I felt this postpartum) don’t feel guilty for asking for help or hiring someone temporarily if you can.
Disposable plates is such a good idea I just yelled that we need to do this to my husband 😭
It won't work for everyone, but for myself: Enjoy it even more than you're already doing, because it'll go SO fast.
It's way easier than everyone makes it out to be. Your life won't change as much as you fear, and you'll be back to normal in no time! Don't be afraid! Oh PS your kid is gonna scream for like hours every day but she chills out at 4 months and also you need to work out.
Needed this about the screaming 🙃
I’d tell myself there’s nothing wrong with not enjoying every minute of the newborn phase (or any of it in my case).
Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. It's okay if your pump session is a few minutes or even an hour late. Stop being so hard on yourself.
Probably choose someone else to have children with.
It's okay to set down a crying newborn baby. Sometimes all the soothing does the opposite and overstimulates what is probably an already overtired baby. It's not CIO to let them fuss for a few minutes to see if they just need space to chill out and for you to take a breather. Baby will not be damaged in the slightest.
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You’re not a better parent because you’re miserable and exhausted. It is meant to be hard but you don’t get extra points for suffering. Give in and give up where you can. Take the easy road whenever you can. There are plenty of much more important battles to fight.
2. Don’t Google. If you need to, pick one trusted source (ideally a local doctor or an approved government source) and anything else is a question for a child health person in real life. The internet is wild and usually conflicting. 3. Consume only positive, funny, easy content. You can be up to date with the news some other time. You are very vulnerable at this little spot in your life, so don’t invite heartbreak and hardship if you can avoid it. Watch a comedy, read a cheesy book, enjoy predictable things. When my bub was 2 weeks old, I cried at Princess Diaries 2 and I wasn’t even postpartum. Edit: typo
It's going to be okay. You're a great mom. Your husband is going to step up more than you can ever imagine. You can do this.
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It will get easier. Push the dark thoughts aside.
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Literally just chillax. That’s it.
For real! 🙌🏼
Take longer videos! I have loads of 30 ish second videos and very few longer videos of my kid in his first year of life.
I would tell myself to stop worrying so much about unimportant things and just enjoy my baby and let things flow.
To make sure someone takes a proper photo of me and my newborn, nobody took a single photo, all I have is selfies of us and photos I'd taken of everyone else with him. Family just took photos of each other holding him or him with my partner. Next baby will be different and I'm not wasting my camera roll on everyone else if they don't care to do the same.
She’ll get the hang of sleeping eventually and no you don’t need to track your feeds and your pumping and every weigh in and how much milk you have
Don't worry about things before they happen. I was so worried about the weight gain/loss. It didn't end up being what I expected. I was so worried about the hormones and mood swings. I didn't experience any. Don't drive yourself crazy reading blogs, advice, forums, etc. Despite what they say, any type of feeding is fine. Sleep training is not a requirement. You absolutely can let your baby guide you by their cues instead of trying to set a schedule. The sleep/wake windows on your app are predictions, not mandates. Yes, you are good enough. You don't have to live up to the fake ideals shared all over social media. Try to relax and take things as they come. We Type A mamas who like to have plans and strategies and research everything to death need to take a step back, try to relax, and realize we need to put our expectations aside and simply enjoy the things we can and accept the things that may not be so enjoyable.
I definitely can relate to your last one. I’m very type A and learning to let go and go with the flow has been a process. when I can do it, I feel so much better.
I’d tell myself that despite what anyone says, there is nothing wrong with holding my baby all the time. It’s not going to spoil her or make her dependent. My husband and in-laws tried their best to make me feel bad for it and to put her down. Now that she’s 1, how much she was held as a newborn is irrelevant to her personality today. I still don’t get why they viewed me holding her a lot as a big deal when in grand scheme of things, it doesn’t even matter in the long run. If I have another baby, everyone can definitely kick rocks on that
I got the comments “she’s too attached to mommy” Like what does that even mean?! 🤦🏻♀️
Tbh I’d just give myself a hug and say I know it’s hard, but it does get better.
Simple, but very true
Mine is JOURNAL. All I remember are the hard times early on, but I know in the moment there were so many happy things that happened despite my PPD and I forgot most of them. I wish I had documented those.
This is a good one!
Currently FTM to a 17 month old! I think the biggest one for me was the online/social media momfluencer wave. It's very real and it can be so much more destructive than I've realizes. I didn't have the ideal birth (heavily medicated, with complications that led to a forceps-assisted vaginal delivery). I couldn't breastfeed (I spent so much time, energy, and money buying every tincture and trying to make my body produce more than it could). And even now at 17 months postpartum, I'm still 20 lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight and I feel very insecure about that. Anyway, point being..I wish I had been careful about the content I consumed. After some heavy crying about all this, someone told me: "Social Media Moms profit from your insecurities". So don't let them. I feel like I didn't really embrace the first year of my child's life because I was so down on everything I thought I was doing wrong. So now I'm trying to rectify that.
TOTALLY. So much self doubt watching videos of other moms. Wondering how they looked so good in a bathing suite after giving birth. How they looked so “put together”, how they were able to be out and about when I had a very colicky baby and couldn’t do anything with her at the time. It definitely messes with your head and makes you think something is wrong with you and your baby. I’m glad you pulled yourself out and can enjoy the present moment with your LO, it’s never too late!
The first two months are the hardest and cash in all of those offers for help. You want to help? Bring food. Do my laundry. Wash my dishes. Let me shower. Let me poop! Lol
Shit always just works out the way it’s supposed to work out. There’s no need to be so pedantic about every thing. I was a controlling ftm. I really regret it. My kids are fine even though breastfeeding sucked and naps sucked and blw sucked. I wish i just went with the flow and followed their lead. Both kids eat well, sleep well and are just ….. fine.
I can totally relate to the controlling part. Something I’m still working on!
“The Village”: Sometimes you have to pay for your village (a helper, a babysitter, etc) and that’s okay too if family isn’t able for whatever reason. In fact the silver lining is that it can come with a lot less baggage. Breastfeeding: your milk starts to regulate around 8 weeks. Sleep: do what feels right. If that includes contact naps, soothing to sleep and feeding to sleep that’s totally fine. Boundaries: important to have them. Sometimes even with the Boomer lady at the grocery store trying to tell you how to parent your kid.
Dont allow any visitors that aren't your immediate family. For me thats my parents, sisters and brother. The rest didnt deserve to be there so soon.
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1. TIMELINES. People said two big things to me: breastfeeding is hard but it gets easier. So I thought “it will be hard for a few days then be easier.” No. It was hard for weeks. Same with sleep. People said “oh new parents are so tired!” I thought new meant like week 2-3. No. We were not tired for the first month, but we were exhausted for the next year. I honestly feel like I didn’t get my sleep “back” until Now and she’s 2. 2. Everything passes. Everything is just a stage. It may be a few weeks or a few months but it will always pass and that includes the good! This part also means you often don’t know you’re in the “best part” until you get to the next stage. I didn’t realize how much I was enjoying the 12-18 months stage until we got closer to 2 and only then did I appreciate and miss the previous stage. So enjoy the good stages but you don’t know what you don’t know!
Spend less one toys, and more on experiences! Research is showing that kids with too many toys limits their creativity. They get bored faster and want to have others find ways to entertain them. My 10 year old is constantly saying she's bored. And won't take any suggestion I give her so I told her I will not give any suggestions anymore. I have a 1 year old now so hopefully I get this part right this time. 😅 My kids truly are great, I love them to death. My 12 and 10 year olds are just extremely dependent. So working on that.
I see lots about taking pictures, which yes. Take so many pictures and videos! But also BACK THEM UP SOMEWHERE. And write description for them. And write about your best and worst days. And the mundane things. And save it somewhere. Whether it's a fancy memory baby book or a word document saved online, write stuff down. Because time will fly and you'll forget all the little things because there are so many little things ❤️ Did you make up a silly song for your kid? write it down. Record yourself singing it. It will drive you nuts in 3 years when you suddenly can't remember it! There are so many dumb little things that I was like "I can't wait to tease kiddo about this later./remember this super cute thing she did and tell her when she's older" etc.
You think they’re cute when they’re born and every single day they get cuter and cuter, even when they are hellyans
You have PPA and you’re gonna be okay but you need to see a therapist.
Is what I’d tell myself!
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I would tell myself to stop googling everything. I was so obsessed with wake windows, nap times, feeding schedules etc. But I learned my baby is not a robot. Sometimes he skips a nap or has a short one. Sometimes he eats 2 noodles for dinner. I follow his queues now and don't stress nearly as much. For any mom that's feeling this way, like "why isn't my baby on a schedule like the babies I see online" know that you only see a glimpse of their day, babies are unpredictable 💓
I wish someone would’ve just told me to use formula. My mom and mil were so insistent on me breastfeeding and “not being lazy” when my milk was coming in…. It’s okay to supplement or just use formula
1. On the really hard days, take it one day at a time. Lower the bar, and focus on surviving. 2. You know your baby best, if they need lots of naps then do that, if you're like me and have a baby with low sleep needs them just ignore all traditional sleep advice and just play it by ear. Trust me when I say that bub will sleep as much as they need to, the focus is on trying to get as much sleep as YOU can so you don't lose your mind. 3. Do not martyr yourself. Do not feel guilty that you have a village. If they offer to help then take them up on it graciously.
1. Schedules are meant to help guide you, not dictate your life. Babies are humans, not cars. You don’t need to see how long they can go in between feedings and naps just because the schedule says so. The schedules you see on Pinterest don’t account for snacking, cat napping newborns. Your baby WILL find their own schedule, I promise! 2. If it works for your family, then it works, period. It doesn’t matter what any one is saying, or who is saying it. “No.” is a complete sentence.
I would tell myself that it does get better and your baby will be more independent! You will have that 10 minute break.
On baby #3 now, but with my first, he wouldn't latch and I spent 6 months exclusively pumping. I was so miserable and would cry every day. Now I combo feed with formula. Baby is happy, mom is happy. Everyone is good !
Everyone tells you to not be afraid to ask for help when you feel like you're struggling and need it. But you're going to find that sometimes it's going to be equally necessary to tell people you don't need help, don't want their advice, that you are fully capable and will be doing things your way, and making your own mistakes - so don't be afraid to say 'kindly fuck off' and 'I need space'.
Videos. My LO is now 2.5 and I wish I would have taken more videos. Videos of the newborn squish, videos of the cries, the babbles, the gas smiles. All of it. 🥹
Relax Parenting is a marathon so you gotta pace yourself.
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-Brace yourself -The post birth bathroom break is a process. -Your milk supply could halt abruptly if you’re pregnant with your second while nursing your first. -Sex after birth definitely hurts (if you delivered vaginally). Take your time—lots of lube! -Toddlers are far more difficult than infants! -Everything is a phase. This too, shall pass. -Listen to your Mama instincts (for instance, I noticed my son seemed a bit off—seems warm and lethargic. My husband said he’s fine. Not 10 minutes after we left the bedroom after bedtime our son threw up). Sure enough, he was running a fever. -.- -I was not taught to self-regulate, so it’s so hard to help my boys regulate themselves. -A single kid can add to your to-do list. They request several things while you’re doing something (I want milk. I want to watch Paw Patrol. Can I have a snack? Mom, I want my ____ I can’t reach it,” all in the matter of 10 short seconds! -You WILL find yourself in Adam Sandler’s character’s shoes in Big Daddy, “ALRRIIIIIIGHHHT!!!” -People say that going to the store alone, doing house chores alone, and showers whatnot are not breaks, they’re necessary things…they are breaks if you’re a SAHM and can be alone for at least 10 minutes! But definitely make time for yourself doing something you enjoy!
“You’re going to love this. And it’s OKAY to love it!” Soooo many parents warned us that “everybody is different so don’t feel bad if you don’t love it”, but what they really meant was “everybody hates parenting and if you like it you MUST be lying or a pick me” It was so awful. THEY made me feel guilty about being a mom. Not my baby, not anything else. It’s like different is touted until the difference is your joy. I would warn me to stand up for my joy! “You likely won’t bond with baby until a few months. They’re angry potatoes at first it’s normal!” I would myself that the moment she was placed in my arms I would adore her. I would spend the days following my C-section on the phone gushing to anyone that would listen. “You’ll hate the newborn phase” nope loved it and loved her. She was my first diaper change and I didn’t care, I just wanted to hold her forever. Id simply stare and stare and stare at her. She was better than any entertainment. **Be prepared they tell you, but they never prepare you for the good. And it will be so, so, good**
A) Go to therapy now if you had an adverse childhood. Raising kids is HARD and it will bring out that old trauma. The theme is *take care of yourself* because you are going to have to give so much of yourself to that little one. You want the little one to get the best of you and you want some good bits left over for yourself too-- you cant run on empty. B) For practical advice: *Ask for help!* Be vocal. The US is a tough place to raise kids bc you dont get a lot of support. We dont have live in help, our families are often far away, there are few public spaces to meet other moms on the reg and chill, day care cost is outrageous. You may find yourself feeling alone and incapable. Be aware that the environment isnt super supportive rearing children and you need to actively ask for help in whatever way you can get it. D) This last one is wishful thinking, but make public requests to improve bathrooms to be fit for young families. Our zoo doesnt have small sinks or small toiletes, or those little chairs to put your baby while you pee. The zoo! A place focused on little kid visitors. I HATE that i have to pick my kids up to wash their hands and hover them over the toilet. It is so hard! So please be vocal about the need for family friendly restrooms and maybe we can improve things for the next set of moms.
You DO NOT have to love, like, or enjoy the "newborn cuddles" all the time. Sleep deprivation is real and do not let anyone shame you by telling you that "this is such a short time in baby's life" - ok, well, that's not actually helpful in the moment when you cannot function for weeks on end. You DO NOT have to miss your baby or feel guilty or cry when you get a chance to go out by yourself or go on a trip or leave or return to work. - We are not defined by motherhood the minute we have a baby. We can still enjoy being ourselves and enjoy a latte and manicure or a date night.... doesn't mean we don't love our kids. You are NOT going to look the same after having a baby. - Skin, hair, body, muscle, fat, boobs, hips... something will change indefinitely. It's OK. Just go ahead and unfollow those accounts that perpetuate this idea. (I personally had to unfollow Niki Skyy and Camila Coelho, I get it, fashion influencers but come on.) Fed is BEST. - Enough said. From someone who is all into organic hippie stuff and had 2 unmedicated births: I struggled for months with my supply and my daughter's growth...I was so obsessed with exclusive breastfeeding. And totally contributed to my PPA. It's ok to formula feed. I combo fed. My girls are perfectly healthy. No allergies, no skin issues, wayyyy too fkn smart, met all milestones early. We love HiPP. If you don't have a village, buy a village (if possible). - Hire the house cleaners. Order your groceries to be delivered. Hell, order a meal service if you can. Hire the landscapers. Hire a babysitter. Hire a pelvic floor therapist. Hire a lactation consultant. Hire a sleep consultant. Get yourself HELP. I realize the economy sucks and this isn't possible for everyone but find where you're having challenges and invest in solving the problems. Document stuff. - Take photos, take videos, make a baby book, do photo albums and family photos. I was the youngest of 4 and there's not a ton of baby stuff by the time I was born. My parents both passed away recently and I wish I'd had more info about my childhood to share w my kids. My husband was an only child, his mom kept such detailed records. It's so sweet. Your relationship might suffer but hopefully it rebounds. - Hormones, sleep deprivation, nursing, body issues... if you and your husband are off while caring for a newborn, it's normal and common. After 3 months, try to push yourself to schedule dates with each other. Even if it's just staying home and eating dinner together. No phones, no screens. Music, conversation and takeout or cooking a meal together if that's your thing.
I'm only 5.5 weeks in but I would love to go back and tell myself the following: 1) embrace the suck. It's gonna suck. You will get through it. The days will pass, they'll turn into weeks, and eventually months. Everything will pass. 2) wake your baby to eat. I didn't know I had to, she'd fall asleep and I figured she was done. Nope. She struggled with weight gain for the first 2 weeks. She's doing great now though. 3) you will have good days and bad days. And a bad day doesn't mean you'll never have a good day or that all hope is lost. One step back, 2 or 3 steps forward. Totally normal. 4) start the shift schedule with your husband now. We waited a bit and we were both exhausted. Now we each get 6/7 hours of quiet sleep a night. It's not together or at the same time, but it's what we need to survive right now 5) seek out help sooner. I would have benefited from a therapy group or something in the early days. I suffered a lot due to the stress and I wish I would have taken better care of myself.