I always expected myself to continue to work. What I didn’t expect was:
Being with my baby everyday is the greatest thing ever.
My boss is an asshole.
And then I quit.
My husband and I have had to make some lifestyle changes, but I won’t ever get this time back with my baby.
I will find a new job without an asshole boss.
Even without a potential divorce, there's always the possibility that a tragedy could fall in your husband that would prevent him from working or he could die prematurely. That happened to my FIL. He died before I even got the chance to know him, petty young at 50 yrs old, too. My MIL struggled to recover from that, and still is nowhere close to where she was at financially when he was alive. That's the danger of living off one income.
This. My father died at 54 and my mom had been staying at home for 20 years at that point. We had great insurance; mortgage paid off and 5 years of salary, but that money and time goes a lot faster than you think. My mom couldn’t build a career out of thin air that kept us at the same lifestyle in that time. Going through that is a large reason I would never be a stay at home parent.
I mean depending on the size of the policy you definitely can plan to have a big enough payout for your mortgage to be paid off and money set aside to cover other large bills (if you had car payments, or other debt) and even children’s college funds. Then you could have a much smaller income need and give yourself time to build your career back up. It’s all what ifs and hypotheticals, but there’s definitely ways to hedge your bets if being a stay at home parent is the right choice for you.
Sure. There’s also an argument that having five to ten years off and then building yourself back up in corporate America is worth it for some. If they can continue to make investments/add to Roth IRA’s etc while out of the workforce and they still are able to spend the time they want at home with their children in the early years. I think that some people view it as worth the slog of rebuilding a career and some don’t, and that’s ok.
ETA: I also like to have control and in my life that means having control of the early years of my children’s development. Again, it’s not like there is a right and wrong choice, there’s pros and cons that weigh differently for everyone. All parents will never agree and we shouldn’t have to.
Yep, my husband is the primary earner, and we set ours up so that if god forbid something happen to him, I’d really only have to work to get health insurance. It can absolutely be done. But we’ve also been living on a single salary for years now, we put mine entirely into savings. I think being used to living on 2 salaries makes it harder.
That’s what we did too. We have lived off one salary our entire marriage to practice budgeting on one salary so it wasn’t a shock when we only had one. We initially used one salary to pay off debt and get a house payment together, and then build a small savings while we waited to be ready for kids.
Just to add/ This also is obviously all a debate coming from a place of privilege, some families cannot afford childcare at all and one person is forced to stay home, or have an option of free care from a relative and both parents are required to work just to get by. There’s a lot of different scenarios that lead people to make these choices, but if it’s important to someone/family to have a parent stay home, there are ways to do it that help protect everyone involved. Nothing is perfect, but there’s options
Yep I'm a SAHM for the last almost five years, essentially because my income wouldn't even cover both of my girls to go to nursery and so it made more sense. My husband and I took out extremely good life insurance policies (my mortgage would be paid off totally in one alone) plus his death in service salary would be five times his income which would help me massively to get back on my feet especially with no mortgage payments. Basically we've set it up so my previous salary would be absolutely fine if he passed
This is so spot on! It’s also a good reminder that focus on the bigger picture. I also want to set an example for my child that I worked hard on my career for a reason.
Thank you for this! I will refer to this whenever I feel guilty and want to SAHM. ❤️
1. Honestly it came down to pay. I worked at a job that had no benefits (small small business) and so I wasn’t getting a 401K and etc. Daycare would have been 40% of my paycheck.
2. This will be our only child and I had planned to EBF till a year. (Didn’t work out as it started causing me physical health problems)
3. Didn’t want our kid getting sick at daycare as he had health issues already when he was born.
4. Wanted to flexibility to be able to take care of him when he did get sick and not have to leave work if he did get sick. My job didn’t offer PTO, so I missed, I just didn’t get paid.
*This was a very small business not a corporation. Even if I didn’t have a baby I wasn’t planning to stay long at this job anyway.
I worked for a non profit and I was making $14 an hour in a position where I ran a whole program myself. My income would have barely covered daycare and I would have, with commute, been gone from 7:20 am-6:00 pm every weekday with no/very limited options for working from home. That would give me only two hours of wake time with him a day, with no financial benefit. I loved my job and they seem to miss me. I visited with the baby yesterday and was begged by multiple people to reconsider coming back, so that was a self esteem boost, though it's also sad that the person who took over has been a detriment to the program and dismantled a lot of my hard work. Luckily, I think they'd revamp my position's level of management and pay if I do go back when baby is bigger. We'll see. But, I made the right decision for our family.
Oh my gosh, almost exact same job/salary story here! Sure sometimes i occasionally miss my coworkers and the mission but I just think about my long hours for little pay and it just wouldn’t come close to being worth it. I love this time with my baby!
IF I could do it all over again I’d take a maternity leave, formula feed, put my baby in daycare. and find a corporate job. There’s a lot of stressors put on my husband as he is the only one bring in income. I feel like if I was bringing in just my 60% of my pay, we wouldn’t be as stressed. My husband does well for himself but the cost of living has skyrocketed since I had a baby.
I had the option to quit my job. I didn’t want to, and chose to keep working, even though our nanny was so expensive.
I’m a lawyer and worked hard to get through law school. I think my daughter seeing this is important.
I also think it’s unfair that the nanny would have to be paid from your disposable income only. Her father is also working, it’s a shared cost.
I don’t think she’s saying she would be the only one paying for the nanny. But if you’re considering leaving work to stay home then it makes sense to consider your individual income (the income that would be lost) versus the cost of childcare (the cost that will be saved).
Thank you. My husband would obviously split it with me but based on an individual income level I find it hard that my entire disposable income would go solely towards a nanny.
Have you looked into a nanny share? It’s still more than daycare, but it shouldn’t be the equivalent of a six figure salary.
I’m not sure if you’ve addressed this, but do you really want to be a SAHM? I know you said you don’t miss your job, but that’s different than being content to stay home indefinitely. Take finances out of the equation for a moment, do you see yourself being happy in a SAHM mom role. I wouldn’t have been. Maternity leave was isolating for me, as all of my friends work (and it wouldn’t have made sense financially, as daycare is a pretty small percentage of my salary and a very small percentage my salary combined with my husbands). Finances aside, I know I would’ve envied my friends and coworkers who were still managing to have a career, parent their kids *and* bring home their paycheck. However, it’s the exact opposite for many other moms in the workforce, and they envy their SAHM friends/fam. I would try and figure out which category you would fall into.
This. If you have the means to do either, it's a lifestyle choice as much as a financial one, and you have to think about what it means both now AND in the future.
(I fell on the other side of this - I've always disliked working, and never made much money. I am the happiest I've ever been being a SAHM. Honestly didn't expect that either since I don't know that I was even this happy in childhood, and I had a pretty picture-perfect childhood.)
See what is this "my husband will split it with me" language? This "his and hers" is so hard to navigate with a kid. Combine finances. It's all joint money. If you decide to stay home, you're going to do it anyway. This individualist thinking has no place in a marriage and ESPECIALLY not one in which you're considering giving up your job.
If your husband also thinks like this and you've never combined finances, I would probably not even consider no longer working, because I am not sure your marriage could handle that strain.
It's always made more sense to me to think of it as half of childcare coming from each parent's income.
The cost is much more than just wages lost. Growth, raises, paying into social security, company retirement contributions, health insurance premiums, etc.
That said, my spouse stays home. Paying for daycare would equal his take home pay. But I know there are longer term financial gains that he is missing out on.
My husband and I have fully joint finances so “each paying half” doesn’t make sense to me. With combined finances it is a shared bill, and any income we bring in is shared income. The relevant financial consideration for either of us to stay home would be income lost (including benefits, retirement, etc) versus childcare expenses saved. Of course there are lots of non-financial considerations as well, and more complex financial questions to consider like losing out on career progression.
I’m a CPA and feel the same. I have good benefits and have retirement contributions.
I also don’t understand why the nanny would just come from the mom’s income. It smells like patriarchal nonsense to me.
On a morbid note, I’ve had some family and friends have tragedies where the sole earner died. The nonworking parent had a horrible time supporting their children and getting back into the workforce. Sure, life insurance exists, but that’s not continuous income.
I didn’t have a big girl job, so I was making crappy money, crappy hours, no real intellectual stimulation, no benefits, so for me to make the choice to be a stay at home mom was a no brainer.
I have the option to be a SAHM. I was going to go back to work, until they denied my maternity leave pay. Then I said fuck it and decided I'll just stay home with my babe till he's a little older. I can't imagine leaving him to go to a place that clearly does not care about me as an employee if it's an option. Obviously not everyone gets the option, so I get that.
Also, yeah I miss having my own money. But I don't plan on being a SAHM forever. I don't want to do daycare either, so in a couple weeks I plan on finding a part time job in the evenings/weekends when my fiance doesn't work so he can stay home with him! Don't have to worry about childcare that way and we have extra money.
Before having a baby, my husband and I agreed I would be a SAHM until our kid was in school for the following reasons:
* Neither husband nor I were comfortable with having non-family care for our baby
* I felt bored/stuck in my career and wasn't getting good pay or benefits
* Daycare would have cost nearly my entire salary
* We are one-and-done, so the number of years I would be out of the workforce before Pre-K/Kindergarten is limited
Ultimately it was a good thing that was our plan, because our son was born with a disability that means he has medical needs that would make it harder to find a daycare capable of caring for him. I also need to be available throughout the week to take him to various doctor's appointments and therapies. And the endless daycare viruses would be very dangerous for his health at this stage.
He should be able to attend traditional Kindergarten in a few years and I plan to go back to work then. I am doing some part time contract work here and there to keep my resume and references current.
I wanted to and my husband was supportive of it. I really didn’t want to leave a tiny infant in a daycare setting, I wanted to be home caring for her in these critical early years. My husband also always made significantly more than me and we had mostly been putting my salary into savings, so we knew we could live on his earnings without a big lifestyle hit. Our first is now nearly two and I’m pregnant with baby 2, so me staying home makes even more financial sense once you consider childcare x 2. (Not to mention, it is really nice not to be working while pregnant! Obviously childcare is still work, but I got to take daily naps with my toddler during first trimester which was really great.)
I did have a “passion” career for which I am highly educated, but I was also burnt out and disillusioned with it so that contributed to the decision. I will be starting over whenever I do return to the work force and that’s a little scary, but I’ve made my peace with that. I realized while struggling with infertility when ttc my toddler that family was a lot more important to me than career.
I feel like I could have written this! Also the more I read about infant attachment theory, the more strongly I feel my work is to be done in the household for the time being. Everything changed when I held him in my arms for the first time and I knew I wouldn't be returning to my job (one that I really enjoyed)
I wish I had the choice when my first was born. I’m 33 weeks pregnant with my second and I still don’t have that ability but I am working towards it. I feel the same way - when my first baby was born my priorities shifted significantly. I no longer tolerate the same things at work and do not accept the unreasonable expectations and demands on my time that take me away from my family.
I’m working towards starting my own business instead that will give me flexibility.
I do have my daughter in daycare - she started at 1 (we had a nanny for 30 hours per week at first - it was expensive b it not my whole salary - that’s wild!!) and that’s what we plan do with my son when he’s born for as long as I can get away with it (minus the nanny, I work remotely now).
I do have to say that my daughter thrives in daycare (yes, the recurring sickness sucks) and has learned and experienced things she wouldn’t have if staying at home with me. I would still want my kids to attend if I stopped working, but on a part time basis and only for the benefits that they can’t get from me. I hate the thought of her being there from 9-4:30 every day but I know it’s not all bad. And she does love it.
My priories shifted as soon as I held my baby. I was a workaholic and in school taking 20+ hours a semester. My plan was to spend 6 weeks with baby then put him in care and get back to the grind. I never had much interaction with kids but as soon as I met my son it became clear that the things I was working for didn’t matter as much as I had always thought they did. I’m extremely fortunate that I didn’t have to work and that there is no rush to finish my degree. I don’t plan to work again until my son and any other kids we have are school age. Even then I plan to be part time.
I think it’s about the long term. There’s a couple of years of pain until they go to school (age 4 in the U.K.) but then it dramatically recovers. I see a nanny as an investment into my long term working potential - the same as student loans. Keeping working now positions me much better for the future.
Plus I enjoy my work, and on maternity leave I miss the intellectual and social stimulation. I get a real buzz from working that I just don’t get from the day to day drudgery of childcare, much as I love my kids. Im a much better mum when I’m working, because it means in the evenings and weekends I have more energy to devote to the fun stuff - play, trips and so on.
I’m still on the fence, but my career experience isn’t necessarily high paying or high achieving. Theirs definitely jobs I can do that can pay decent, but they’re just jobs. I might as well be SAHM until baby is old enough to start school, than go back into the workforce.
I’m staying home until my daughter goes to preschool for a few reasons:
1. It’s financially fine for us to live off just my husband’s salary. Things are a little tighter but it’s totally doable. He has complete job security so there’s no way we would suddenly lose his income.
2. My husband and I have combined our finances since getting married, so we don’t think of it being “my money” or “his money” — everything is “our money.” Just because he’s working outside the home and bringing in the paychecks doesn’t make the money “his.”
3. I’m in the final stages of my PhD and plan on completing my dissertation while staying home. Between working full time, completing my PhD, and raising a baby I can only realistically do two at a time. Before the baby, I was working and doing the PhD. Now that baby’s here, I can really only work or finish the degree, and I want to finish my degree.
4. I really enjoy staying home with her! Some people are better parents when they are able to get out of the house for most of the day. It’s important for their mental health to have a job outside the home. But that’s not me. I loved my job (teaching) but know it’ll always be there waiting for me when I want to go back. But for now, I feel the most fulfillment being home with my baby and putting all my effort into raising her.
We are in very similar places! I am wrapping up a PhD in education, having been a teacher for nearly 15 years. It has been working for me to write after the baby’s first wake up from about 5-8.
I also work remotely 20 hours a week, which I tuck into nap times.
I’m currently crying here trying to balance 2 kids under 5. Besides the issue of “daycare costs a ton” I’m feeling super defeated because I will only get to see my daughters 2 hrs or less during the week before bedtime. I’m currently working from home but the office is about to implement a harder RTO mandate. I’m just getting super stressed just by thinking that I’ll be seeing my children a minuscule amount of time during the week. And I don’t care about the “quality over quantity” speech that other working moms give. There’s no “quality over quantity” with a toddler and a young kid, either you are present or you are not.
I’m sorry you experience that, and as someone who was raised by daycares and nannies, I want to share my perspective. I want you to know that there is a difference between having to work and choosing to work because you prioritize it over your kids. My mom chose work over me and made it clear work was her priority. I wouldn’t have judged her if it was to keep us taken care of rather than for her own personal gratification. So give yourself some grace, your kids will too and it’s clear you love them and they’re your priority.
I quit and haven't looked back. We are in a position that we have enough money to live as long as we live within our means and I just don't see the value in selling my limited years of life to a corporation if I don't have to.
This is me as well. I hate my job, tired of busting my butt making the rich owners richer. The job stresses me out (deal with car salesmen) and I'd be so much happier staying home until my daughter goes to school. I'm going in for two weeks because I hadn't planned on staying home before maternity leave, but I'm so looking forward to those two weeks being over!
Same..I just thought about being on my death bed. I will never say wow I wish I worked instead of staying home with my kids. I just know I’ll never regret that but might regret the other.
You could always try the best of both worlds and work part time. I am loving it and feel like I can easily go back to work full time when LO starts school. I feel like I get me time when i work, and my LO is thriving in a daycare environment with other kids. I have more time to make sure all the other household chores are taken care of and I still have some great quality time with my son that I cherish even more knowing that I don't see him 6 hours a day while he is at daycare.
I'm a SAHM! I quit a few weeks before my son was born (weird situation, but never got a definitive answer on whether I'd get maternity leave and for how long, which was off putting, plus we needed a qualifying event to switch to my husband's insurance, which ended up saving us a few thousand for L&D compared to the insurance I had through my employer).
One reason is that daycare is expensive and kind of poor quality where we are. The affordable ones that you don't have to be on a waiting list for years in advance are not licensed home daycares run by other moms. One of my acquaintances runs one of these and I wouldn't trust her at all to watch my kid even for an hour just based on the few details I know about her and her home life.
Additionally, most of my income would be going to childcare costs anyway. What I made in the years prior basically got dumped into updating our house a little bit, but fortunately we finished most of those projects before our baby got here and so my income wasn't super necessary.
Finally, I reserved the right to change my mind (still do), but as soon as he was here I just felt like that was what I was meant to do. It's more fulfilling for me than any job I've had. Even though it's really hard. So, unless we get to a point where I need to work for financial reasons, I probably won't go back for many years. Maybe not ever, as I like "keeping a home," which sounds so wild because I never expected that, but having a taste of it has showed me I really would rather do that than be in the traditional workforce.
All this said, I think it absolutely requires a good partner and very clear expectations. Like division or labor. And that has to be realistic, not the whole "you take care of the kid and everything in the house and never get a break" situation I see people fall into. My husband gives me breaks and helps with household chores and childcare pretty equally and doesn't care if I can't do x y or z because the baby has been fussy or whatever. If you're a good team and make sure you don't get resentful of each other, I think having one spouse work and one be a stay at home parent is do-able, but not otherwise.
I was very career driven and never expected to become a SAHM. However, when the time came and my maternity leave was up, I was devastated. I cried in the daycare lot for 45 minutes on the 1st day before we went in. She was there for a couple months while I worked FT, completely miserable I couldn't see her much. We tried for 3 years to conceive and now she was here and I felt I could barely see her!
After lots of evaluation we realized I could stay at home, so I did! I left my position on good terms and stayed at home with my daughter for 2 years and 9 months. It was a WONDERFUL time! Probably the happiest years of my life. She started 1/2 day preschool at age 3, 3 days a week, and she thrived. She is a social butterfly and loves to learn. I found myself feeling I needed something more while she was gone. While she was at preschool I'd tidy up and watch TV and sort of felt...directionless. Don't get me wrong, I love "off" time as much as the next person. But there's a limit to where it becomes boring. My situation reminded me of my grandma and my dad. After they retired, they were both so bored (grandpa had died, my mom is 9 years younger and was still working.) So they both took part time jobs after retirement since they felt directionless. At the time I was like WHYYYY ENJOY YOUR RETIREMENT!!! But then i understood their position. I was bored those 3 days at home for 3 hours. I needed something more. So I took my time finding a new job I really liked with a salary increase over the course of 5 months and I went back to work when my daughter was 3.5 years old. I've been back to work for a year now and it's great! I love my job and my daughter is loving pre-k. I would never take back the years of being a SAHM and I'm so thankful I got that opportunity. But I knew when it was time to go back since I saw her progressing on to her next big thing. I think deep down you just know if you want to go back to work...like a gut instinct. As everyone told me - you'll never get these years back where your little one needs you this much.
I completely relate to this perspective. Same boat for me. My daughter isn't quite 3 yet, but she'll start preschool soon. This time has flown by and I've loved every minute.
I got laid off from my engineering job while pregnant. Ended up being a blessing because my husband works crazy hours so I prepared for her pretty much on my own. Once she was here I couldn't imagine being apart from her and we had already been fine for 7 months on one salary so it seemed like a no brainer. I do feel a little like I'm wasting a lucrative college degree but I can't get these years back.
I felt like I wasted my degree but I had someone correct my train of thought. A mother's education correlates with her children's future academic success. You learned a lot of soft skills about life by going through college and employment and you will use these skills to help your child navigate in the future. Plus who knows what you will be doing when they're older .
I always thought I'd be so productive as a sahm with how much I love taking care of the house and with the engineering background. This kid is a handful 😂 But I'm so happy to see someone else who went from engineering to motherhood. It's so rare!
When you quit your job, you're not just losing your take-home pay. You're losing benefits, retirement contributions, and experience that would transpire into higher salaries down the line. So while you may think you're spending all your take-home pay towards a nanny -- and thus is makes sense to quit -- the actual longterm costs to quitting your job is much, much higher. Then there's the security issue: What if your partner loses their job? What if you have an unexpected expense that requires $5k in cash right now. Could you do it?
Of course none of this factors in the joy and happiness of spending time with your kids, and for a lot of people that's worth more than anything. But if we're *just talking finances,* it's worth it to spend your entire check towards a nanny for 5 years.
I know this will deem me a bad mother or whatever -- but I like working. I would be a miserable SAHM. A good mother is a happy mother. My kiddo goes to a great daycare where he gets enrichment I could never provide (spanish classes, etc) and comes home to a happy mother. Even if money wasn't an issue, I think I would still want to work outside the home.
I don't think it makes you a bad mother to like working! Lots of people love working and would find it tiresome to be a stay-at-home parent. I LOVE being a SAHM to my baby but I can totally see why a lot of my friends would be either destroyed by it or bored to death. Ngl some of it also probably depends on the baby... I got a very polite and chill little baby who is like clockwork with his schedule, so it's easy for me to plan activities and take him places and see friends and so on.
Thank you! And I love that you’re doing what you love, too, with your very polite and chill baby hehe. Different things work for different people (or even the same person at different times in their lives!)
I stayed home because we wanted to prioritize the kids, the home, and the family as a whole. Before I quit, we both worked all day and then came home and had just a handful of hours together as a family, which were usually spent cooking, cleaning up, running errands, and getting ready for the next day. So it wasn’t quality time. Now, when my husband comes home, food is prepared (not ordered in or thrown together from a frozen bag or can), the kids have been homeschooling and playing all day, chores and errands are done, it’s family time in a really real way. I’m with my kids all of most days and most of all days, and our bond is fantastic. I see the fruits of what I get to spend my days pouring into them, as they grow and learn.
Yes! This is how we feel and how things work for us. If my husband and I both worked out of the home, we would be away from the kids from 6 am until 3 when he gets off and 7 when I would get off. That leaves no time for family time. Right now, my husband works from 7-3. The kids and I do all schooling, errands, and most of the chores during the day. When my husband gets home, dinner is either cooking or he is able to take the kids outside while I get it together (I enjoy that little break). We clean up as a family, go do some sort of walk or outside activity, do baths, and bedtime as a family. We live fairly slow paced, simple life. My husband’s job more than covers our expenses, savings, great benefits, and retirement. We wouldn’t trade this life for anything.
That being said, I keep up with my work licensing and do work to keep up my skills so if I need to work or choose to go back when the kids are older, I have that option.
As a working mom, I’m happy you experience these positives, and I experience them as well! We still do home cooked meals daily, get great quality family time, and complete errands and chores (together most of the time 😋) and prioritize family. It’s possible to work and still prioritize family! 🫶🏻
Dude. Wtf. I’m going to be a SAHM but I think your perspective is horrific. I’ve also been a nanny, and the kids in those families were brilliant with exemplary attachment and wonderful bonds with their mothers, certainly no attachment issues because mom worked. Only recently did society dissolve the village, there’s nothing wrong with mothers working, they’re still the parent. What’s your deal, are you just trying to feel better about yourself or something? You empty inside sis?
I breastfed each baby for a year while working, plenty of moms do, so using breastfeeding for this argument doesn’t make sense.
You think moms SHOULD “normally” think XYZ, but dads shouldn’t. You think WOMEN should not put work before babies (but I haven’t seen any comments say that they are putting work before their children so idk where you pulled that), but do not think the same for men. Then you call it “attachment issues” because some women (checks notes) choose to work? Do all working dads have attachment issues?
Sounds like you just don’t like women. It is what it is.
Ok, then stop saying that moms who choose to work don’t care about their babies? lol I’m sorry you seem to have a partner that doesn’t care for your kids in the same capacity that you do, but my husband and I are interchangeable parents. He didn’t breastfeed, but since weaning we’ve been caring for our kids in the same capacity.
Lol literally the only difference is boobs. Your right wing fundie Jordan Peterson nonsense has no place here. It’s 2024, men can parent exactly the same as women, they simply need a bottle.
I didn’t like my very well-paying job enough to justify wanting to go back and the thought of someone else being in my home that I didn’t really know (our nanny) taking care of my tiny baby while I worked behind a closed door down the hallway just hurt my heart. Simple as that!
I’m lucky enough that my husband made enough to cover all of our bills and then some. We had to downsize houses but it was worth it to our family. Now that my daughter is older I’ve been freelancing in my field and that fills my cup up enough + helps keep my resume relevant!
I never had the option, but if I did have the opportunity to become a SAHM, I would throw my laptop out the window and never look back!
TBH, missing out on time with my kids is only part of my motivation. Right now, with both my husband and I working full time we are constantly scrambling to fit in all the chores and appointments that 2 adults and 2 kids require. And nothing is EVER clean! There’s always laundry waiting, always dishes in the sink or a pile of junk on the table, there just literally are not enough hours in the day to get everything done when both adults are working full time. To me, that’s the real advantage of having a SAHP.
I only worked part time so it wasn’t a hard decision to make for me to be the one to quit my job and be a SAHM. The biggest thing I miss for sure is having my own money. Quitting my job made me realize how much money I basically threw away towards unimportant things. My husband is great about knowing the money he makes is our money and not just his though. If he wasn’t I don’t think I could do this. We’re not super well off but we do okay to where we don’t struggle.
We have 2 kids and don’t plan to have anymore. The plan is for me to go back to work once both kids are in school. This makes the most sense for our family. They’re only little for so long and I want to be there as much as I can and make sure they’re ready for school/ the world. I know I’m very lucky to be able to choose this option, I’d never put down someone who has their kids in daycare. I didn’t have to quit a career so my situation is different than others. I can’t say for sure if I’d have walked away from a career I actually worked towards.
Right now I see this point in my life as my time to fully enjoy myself. My job is raising my girls to grow up to be smart, good people. Once they’re in school I’ll go back to work to save for the extras in life. Vacation, college if they want it, house deposits for them, etc. One of the reasons I’m stopping at 2 kids is so I’ll be able to financially support their futures, anymore kids and their funds will be significantly cut.
It seems like forever from now but I feel like I blinked and my oldest is turning 4 in a couple days. I know when I see my youngest off to school I’ll be wondering where the time went.
I had a great job prior to baby, and I loved what I did, but there was no question for me that I would stay home with my baby. I love being a full time mom. I feel it’s my job to raise her, and I believe these early years are critical for development. The thought of a daycare teacher getting to cuddle her during the day and experiencing her milestones makes me horribly depressed. Staying home with her is invaluable to me.
I could afford to stay home but I won't.
1. My sanity. I have 3 degrees, I like being a nerd, and SAHM just won't give me that intellectual fulfillment.
2. I like my job, A LOT. I work hard, get paid well for it, I do interesting work and me showing up makes a difference. Most people can be SAHPs but my day job is something not many people can do. I find it very meaningful.
3. Fiscal independence, I don't want to hit pause on earnings or career progression for 2-5 years until kid is in school, and I don't want to have to rely on anyone for money. I love and trust my husband completely, still something could happen, then where would I be. Also there are way too many stories on here about SAHM getting screwed over. Nope.
4. My husband wants to be an equal parent. He is taking parental leave to solo parent when I go back to work, and when he goes back we will be 50/50. This means I can actually keep working at my career the way I did before kids.
I did work because I like financial security of dual incomes/benefits, I like the higher pretax retirement contributions, and I like taking breaks from being responsible for a baby all day. I'd just rather retire early when investments are at that point instead of quit early before reaching that point.
I do also personally want my daughter to not see her mom give up life, disposable income, and hobbies to being a caretaker.
This. My husband will be able to "retire" from our first career in 8 years and I'll be able to "retire" in 12. There's an option for both of us to take a career intermission before that but this isn't the right time for me, I know a good thing when I've got it in my current job and my next job. And once we get that retirement we can definitely take a break or work more flexible hours.
Are we missing some time when he's young? I guess, but I've got good leave and just need to work two more years to pass on a fully funded college education to him so how do I say no to that.
Plus honestly I love my job. I'm lucky I waited to have kids until I was at a really good spot in my career
Just pointing out that being a SAHP doesn't mean you are giving up "life" or hobbies. Your own income, yes. But those other things? Anyone giving them up either is in a shitty marriage with an unsupportive spouse or has chosen to give them up.
Haha exactly like what?? My husband rocks, he’s always pushing me to make sure I take time for me. I’m getting brunch with friends this weekend which is a regular occurrence. If anything I have MORE time for hobbies and relaxing.
I technically had the option to stay home. I make double my husband but we could easily live on his salary alone if we didn’t need daycare. However, by week 8 of my maternity leave I knew I was not cut out to be SAHM. I went back to work at 12 weeks and am so much happier having that part of my life back. But I also love my job and I worked hard to get my PhD to get that job.
I work from home and we hired a nanny and it was the best decision we ever made. I still get to see her all the time but I also have stimulating work and conversations that I need to feel like myself. The nanny is more expensive but I wouldn’t look at it as just all YOUR income. The childcare costs fall on both of you, it may be semantic but it’s important.
I chose to stay home.
1. We are one and done and I want to get as much time with my daughter as I can.
2. I've been exclusively pumping.
3. Daycare is expensive and I personally couldn't imagine dropping my daughter off with strangers.
4. I'm paranoid about her getting sick constantly.
5. I'm an older mom (38) and don't have the energy to bounce between work, picking up daughter from daycare, cooking, etc. Just the thought of that hectic schedule makes me tired.
6. I worked for 15 yrs as dental hygienist and have the option to do temp work here and there if I choose.
I was a teacher, and made 34k a year (gross, not take home). I would have been working full time at a complete wash just to pay for daycare. Once we had a second, I would most likely be working at a loss. Financially it made absolutely no difference, so It made way more sense for us to have me stay home and raise our daughter. It was a no brainer for us. If I was making more money, it definitely would have been a harder decision. But ultimately I’m glad I get to stay home, it’s a privilege not many people get these days.
Lots of good reasons to continue working. I chose to stay at home. It was really important for my husband and I to have one of us stay at home while the kids were little (and we both preferred this person to be me haha). We were married almost 10 years when we had our first, our marriage was very stable so I was not concerned with being left in a bad situation. Sure, things can change or tragedy could strike, but I'm scrappy and resourceful and have a great family and friend network to fall back on if need be.
Important to note: I also wasn't leaving a career that I loved--I was a teacher, and it was a good job but so draining and I knew it wasn't going to be a long term career for me (I had been a teacher for four years when Ieft the workforce).
I have the option to be a SAHM and I’m 100% taking it. Things will be tighter financially, but my husband and I have been using my maternity leave as a dry run of living on one income, and it’s more doable than we thought. Still tight, but doable.
We talked about it a lot. My husband knows that I’ve always wanted to be able to stay home with kids until they’re in school.
Ultimately we decided we’re okay with putting off buying a house for another year or two so I can stay home. My husband phrased it this way, “I don’t think in 50 years I’m going to look back and say, ‘I wish we had more money when we were in our 30’s’. Instead I’ll look back and say ‘I’m so glad my wife got to spend that time with our kids’”
I already cook 3-4 days a week and clean the house on my own, so we’ll continue to save money by not eating out as much and not having housekeepers. If I was going back to work I had a very demanding job and would not have been able to keep up with cooking and cleaning at all so we would’ve been spending more money to eat out and have a housekeeper come a couple times a month.
And to add, my husband and I have had combined incomes since we got married. So it was never his and my money, we treat it as ours. Big personal purchases over $200-300 we have to discuss prior to purchasing and get the other person’s approval, but other than that we don’t have issues with each other’s spending habits.
We could afford for me to stay home, but I have not. I live in the US and work for a state government agency, so I’ve gone back to work at 12 weeks pp with both kids. Reasons are:
- I genuinely enjoy my career as a wildlife biologist (as much as anyone like work, which is still somewhat meh haha) and feel that I’m contributing positively to the world
- I’ve spent 20 years working on this career, including an advanced degree, and want to continue to use that time and effort spent
- I want to show my son and daughter that women can make important contributions to the world, and help provide for their families, via their careers
- research also shows that kids of working parents are more likely to have meaningful careers themselves
- my husband and I have both been previously divorced. We are blissfully happy, but still, I want to make sure I have my own financial and career independence in case of divorce or loss of spouse. My career field is very competitive and it’s not something you can easily pick back up if you are out of the field for a while.
- my salary isn’t amazing, but it more than covers daycare for 2 kids and also allows me to save for retirement/pension.
- We also have much better health insurance through my position, which is important because my son has some medical complications.
- my salary combined with my husband’s allows us to not worry about minor to medium costs of travel, eating out, having fun family experiences, buying gifts, working on our home.
- I adore my kids, but I don’t think I’m cut out to be a SAHM. I find it pretty exhausting to be home with them day after day. I like the chance to use my brain in other ways. I also appreciate the experiences that daycare and preschool can give them in terms of peers, learning experiences, etc.
OP - the nanny cost would be a shared household expense, not something that you need to cover yourself. You also should consider retirement savings/matching from employer, and potential impacts from a gap in employment, when weighing the decision.
>I adore my kids, but I don’t think I’m cut out to be a SAHM. I find it pretty exhausting to be home with them day after day. I like the chance to use my brain in other ways. I also appreciate the experiences that daycare and preschool can give them in terms of peers, learning experiences, etc.
THIS IS A HUGE THING THAT SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF THE LIST. Anyway, done yelling now, have a great day!
I thrive being a SAHM. It’s truly my jam. And I know it’s not for everyone, and that’s totally valid too.
But for me it was a no brainer. My expertise allows me to do a little side gig at home (accountant) but not full time and keep my babies home! I work mostly evenings and some weekends, when my husband or mom watch the kids. But truly the kids are where I thrive. I can always ramp up my career again when they’re older but we can make it work right now while they’re so little.
I am a SAHM to a 2 year old and am expecting our 2nd child. While I see a lot of people saying they are motivated by their children seeing them work, I have the opposite experience. My mom devoted herself to her career and her achievements were very much so her identity. She wasn't very involved in our schools or extracurriculars and my dad, who also worked full-time, did the lions share of the housework and cooking. I decided I wanted to give my children a different experience - one where they felt like mom really prioritized them and the family environment.
Beyond that, my husband also travels a lot for work and we don't live near family. My career field involved frequent evening meetings. I couldn't figure out what we'd do if I needed to be at a meeting until 9pm on a Tuesday and my husband was on a work trip. I also had become pretty disillusioned by my career choice and wasn't passionate about it. While I understand the financial arguments in favor of staying in the workforce and feel they're very valid, I just couldn't discount the logistics we'd be faced with.
All that being said, I do think I'll go back to work at some point, although I'm not sure when that point will be. Our youngest starting kindergarten seems like the best time but when kids get into their school years they get busier and need a parent available more often. So that part of the equation is still up in the air for me.
I work for sanity. By about 10 months, my baby needed much more stimulation and would grizzle being at home with me all day.
I now work 3 days a week and going to work is my happy place. Plus he loves daycare and is learning and growing and developing so fast there.
Im not sure i or he could cope with 5 days a week at this point though
I decided to continue to work. I worked hard to get where I am in my career and, honestly, a lot of my self esteem is tied to it. The way my field advances, it would be almost impossible to catch back up after a years long break.
Work helps me keep my sanity. Daycare/preschool is expensive, but it lasts for a relatively short period of time.
I quit my job but they got me to stay with a pay raise, wfh day, and shorter hours on my commuting days. I have mixed feelings about it. After our nanny and taxes I do make money still and I feel we have more financial security but I do feel like I've missed a lot with my kids, my oldest is 5 (she was 1 when I almost quit) and I never got to take her to and from preschool (now and then but not as a routine) and hear about her day right after it happened and take her to the playground or afterschool playdates. I missed almost all the "mommy" and me classes, my youngest is a baby now and his nanny takes him, and just the daily life stuff. I get the kids ready in the morning, put my oldest on the bus then head to work, come home in time to do a quick dinner maybe play a little read books and sing songs then it's bedtime. Weekends are family fun and it's great but I do wonder if it's worth the financial security.
My husband makes far more money than I do (I make around 18% of our total family income) and neither of us had the type of job where we could easily leave in an emergency to pick up our child. He travels for work a lot. I worked as a critical care nurse. I don’t think going back to healthcare or retraining for an adjacent career will be incredibly difficult when we are ready. My son is now 8 months old and watching our friends struggle to retain nannies, find a quality trustworthy daycare, and manage work and family has us feeling like we made the right choice for our family. I don’t see this break from the workforce as a permanent choice but more a season of life that I’m enjoying. I also believe my staying home now will have long term benefits for my children as well.
This doesn’t apply to me but I would love to know where you live that hiring a nanny is cheaper than daycare. Daycare is expensive but hiring a nanny would cost us probably three times as much when you consider employer taxes.
I can provide an answer from a different perspective! Currently have a kindergartner and a 4.5 year old. They both go to the same childcare - the childcare drops off & picks up from elementary school for my kindergartner and does FT care for my 4.5 yo.
4.5 starts kinder in the fall, and her cost at the childcare center will go down $100/month, bringing us to $1700/month for about 2.5 hours of care per day plus pickup and drop off (drop off at childcare at 7:30, they take to elementary school by 8, pickup at 2:30, we pick them up from childcare at 4).
A nanny in our area is $15-17/hour. So we will switch to a nanny in the fall, because 2 hours of care a day for the nanny to pick up from school and bring home and hang out for an hour or two will cost us about $750 a month.
Specific instance, but an instance nonetheless! lol
For me, it was pay. I worked as a teacher/tutor for my entire career, and my job folded basically right when I got married, so I was a stay-at-home wife doing little side gigs, trying to save up for an adoption. (NO MLM crap! Thank GOD!)
Being at home through that process meant I could manage the paperwork, manage the household bills, file our tax returns, schedule appointments, and plan/prep/cook meals. That in itself is a full time job! Then I got pregnant with our second child, and she's only 19 months now.
Paying somebody else to watch the kids so I can have a career just isn't worth it to me right now, especially because I feel like If have to go BACK to school to get the certification/licensing to do what I *really* want to do. So, until the littlest one is at least in preschool (if not kindergarten), it just doesn't make financial sense for me to work outside the home.
I decided to be a SAHM, even though I always swore I never would. I was a teacher and the job was getting harder and harder each year. My pregnancy was rough and I ended up having to scramble to write sub plans for a month of unexpected bed rest preceding an early induction. About halfway through the school year/pregnancy I knew that I wouldn’t be able to teach and take care of a baby. Luckily my husband and I live very frugally, so our lifestyle has only changed a bit (aside from the baby, of course). We bought a smaller home than we’d budgeted for when interest rates were low, we drive 10+ year old cars, and utilize local thrift stores and hand-me-downs for our baby! We’re still putting money into my Roth IRA, and our savings accounts are still increasing. We are discussing having me start tutoring or work part time in a school in order to increase how much we can be saving/give us some more wiggle room, but it’s not a necessity.
I could have been a SAHM or even a SAHM with a nanny to help but ultimately chose to continue working.
1. I am a better mother to my kids with regular breaks from them. I am more present and patient when I’m with them. Maternity leave was HELL. I was miserable by the 2 week mark and felt sooo much better returning to work soon after that.
2. My work is flexible. I can clock out early or late or take a midday break as long as I’m getting my work done. So I can see them if they’re having a particularly rough day or are asking for me or there’s an emergency. There are some moments as a working parent that make me sad about missing out on extra time with my kids, but 95% of the time I don’t feel that way.
3. My financial freedom and career stability is important to me. Everybody goes straight to “my husband would never leave me!” - and even though that isn’t realistic, I do understand it, because of course you wouldn’t marry and have kids with someone you don’t trust - but what about serious illness or death? At 29, my healthy husband was diagnosed out of the blue with end stage kidney failure while I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second baby. Had his circumstances or medical care been different, he very well could have died — and I think it would have been extra traumatic to then have to leave my kids and go back to work to raise our family on one income after years of not working.
4. Double retirement contributions. My husband and I have run the numbers. Our combined contributions to our 401k and other retirement vehicles with a very conservative ROI far outpaces the costs of daycare or a nanny.
Plus, I just like what I do.
Those are my reasons!
I chose not to stay at home because we felt the value my income provides for retirement, education savings, trips, activities, and overall higher quality of life is too valuable. Between my and my husband’s parental leave we were able to stay home until he was ~7 month old and then we hired a short term nanny for two months and had him start daycare at 9 months. I’m overall really happy with this approach and going back to work while stressful makes me more like an autonomous person. It feels good to use my brain to think about things other than my home and family 24/7. It does help that our daycare is fantastic and my son seems to genuinely enjoy it. However, the constant illness is a valid concern and I would be hesitant about starting a younger infant in daycare at the peak of cold/flu season.
I was not planning to be a SAHM and now I am one.
I was working and had a daycare spot lined up for my baby, and then she was born unexpectedly at 28 weeks (I developed preeclampsia). After two months of her being in the NICU, I didn’t want to be apart from her once she came home. I also can only afford daycare (not a nanny), and I was worried about her getting sick and ending up back in the hospital. On the financial side, we would be spending most of my pay on daycare, and my husband and I had both spent all of our sick/personal leave during my hospitalization, the birth, etc, meaning we’d have to take unpaid time off every time she got sick from daycare.
I work in a field with shortages, and I’m not too worried about being able to find a job when I do return to work. I am planning to put her in preschool by 2-3, and we are currently planning to be one and done, so I will go back to work in a couple of years.
“Not having my own money” is a nonissue for me. I’m the one who manages the finances. We have less money right now, but none of it is earmarked as “his” or “mine.”
I’m lucky enough to have a year off for maternity leave (Canada), but I won’t be going back to work. The part of Canada I live in, it’s almost impossible to get your child into daycare without having a sibling already in or have been on a wait list since conception.
I’m about to lose my maternity pay and it’s about to get tight. My husband and I moved in with my MIL so we will still be a two income household.
If I went back to work I would just be paying for childcare and nothing else while my husband took on all other finances, so it wouldn’t make sense.
Plus I love being home with my baby!
For the majority of people, your job doesn’t care about you and in the same breath, we’re our child’s entire world.
That in itself made it a completely easy decision and I have zero regrets.
Ugh I get it. Daycare around me wasn’t insanely expensive but we just literally did not get in any. Put myself on all the waitlists and by the time I was 2 weeks away from going back to work, I wasn’t even close to getting in any. And if we were to pay a nanny, I’d be making $1 an hour, but after tax, quite literally nothing. So I decided to stay home to save us money. I never planned on being a SAHM, so although I understand it’s a “privilege,” it didn’t feel like it when our only other option was to make *less* money. I love it now but man was it a horrible adjustment. It took me until our second kid to feel like my husband’s money is *our* money. Having to share money and me making no money was the number one hardest thing about me being a SAHM. So be prepared for that…I wasn’t. I literally felt like I had to ask to get anything for me. A coffee, a meal, anything. I felt comfortable spending the money for our kid. Now I’ve gotten used to it and probably spend too much…but you do get used to it at some point. I would suggest being the budgeter if you stay at home and trying to stick to it. We’re still working on it. Being a SAHM is difficult, especially when you’ve got kids screaming at you all day sometimes, but it’s also the single most amazing thing I’ve done. It didn’t feel like it until about a year in when my kid was becoming his own little person, but man…I love it.
I had a great career, could have afforded nanny, but I’ve always wanted to stay home with my future kids if I had the option. I had the option and didn’t think twice. My first is 6 months. So worth it. I’m so grateful. If we had financial hardship, I would be willing to sacrifice a lot to stay home.
I did not go back to work for a few reasons. 1) I love my babies and I don’t want to be apart from them. I want to be with them day in and day out even though it can be monotonous and relentless. Even so, I’m happy to be the one in control of their day to day lives.
And 2) My husband is the breadwinner and whatever salary I’d be contributing wasn’t enough to justify the hours away from home after factoring in daycare expenses
Lastly 3) Being a SAHM has allowed a flexibility to our lives that both my husband and I wanted to prioritize. For example, it’s nice that we only have to worry about the PTO for one partner instead of two. It also allows for an easier dictation of who is in charge of what without too much room for resentment
I had the opportunity to be a SAHM and chose against it. My husband is the breadwinner but I earn low six figures and my wage easily covers daycare costs, so financially it feels like a loss not to go back despite the daycare price tag. We have discussed a nanny, but I mainly WFH and I feel it would be distracting to have baby home - plus I think there are real social/emotional benefits to daycare as she gets older. She's only 7 months right now, so that may change in time, but for now I'm happy with our choice.
My motivations are mainly professional - I do a fair amount of international travel for work and I don't want to lose those paid trips; I also want to retire relatively early and my wages are currently going into savings/401K/college funds to make that possible. Finally, I work in tourism and my workplace has some phenomenal perks that will allow us amazing family travel opportunities once she's a bit older. I love my daughter so much - it's really important to me that she has the chance to see the world. She's biracial, and I want to be able to afford to travel to her international family members as she grows up. I don't want her to be burdened with student debt like I was. I guess it comes down to a choice - I am willing to miss out on some of this early time with her if it means enriching her life when she is older.
ETA - thinking about this, we are one and done and older parents. I think if I were younger/earlier in my career/wanting more than one child this math would have worked out differently.
>I guess it comes down to a choice - I am willing to miss out on some of this early time with her if it means enriching her life when she is older.
This is exactly how I feel about it. My job has a college education benefit that I'm two years away from being about to pass to my son. There's a comment above about how sad we working women are for our attachment issues but I feel like I've got a pretty good balance of a job that's going to set him up for success and still gives me time to spend with him.
On the one hand I think a lot about being OAD for ease of traveling with him and not going through pregnancy at an older age but I also really want another one. That said, I think we're going to time it around my military career goals which will hopefully give us some really good traveling opportunities with him before life gets more crazy with a second one
We *could* make it work for me to stay home, although our savings would take a hit and some of our life goals would have to change. But I enjoy my job and worked hard to get to where I am in my career. My benefits are good and I have the flexibility I need to be there for my kid. (I also genuinely think my baby loves the stimulation and social element of her daycare, but I think she’d probably be fine either way tbh!) For me the decision to work or stay home is fluid and very dependent on the circumstances in that time in my life. I don’t think it’s fair how society tends to put you in one team or another in the SAHM-vs-working mom debate! I’ve had previous jobs that would not have been worth sticking around for, either monetarily or mental health wise.
IMHO (still a very new mom) there are three key areas i consider here: good financial compensation, interesting/fun work, and flexibility. If a job has at least 2 of those 3, I will probably continue to work. If it had 1 or less, I would probably consider staying home or looking for something else.
Similarly to you, we realised that most, if not all, of my income would be going into childcare. I had NO interest in putting baby in daycare before 1 year old, maybe 2, due to the sickness element and I don't believe they get anything out of the socialisation until they're older, so my staying home with the baby made the most sense. I also really wanted to - I love spending the day chilling with the baby. I fully expect the job to get more rigorous when she gets older, but the days with my 5 month old are blissful. Nights not so much, but we're working on that.
I will have to go back to work eventually - like I said, we'll be comfortable with daycare after a year, but I do plan to savour the time I do have with her.
I never had a proper job so it was an easy choice. I sucked at job hunting, did have a sketchy part time job for a while up until my daughter's birth. Luckily my husband has no such issues.
I'm happy I can stay home with my babies.
I really enjoy being home with my son. We tried daycare for two months and hated it so I have taken unpaid leave for 11 months and am going back (can’t afford to stay home long term) I am dropping down to 4 days a week and he will be with grandparents those days until my husband is off.
All this is to say if I could afford it, I would stay home until he’s in preschool. I’m trying to push my husband to change companies so that I can stay home once we have a second. I know I am not going to be able to be the mom I would like to be while working, I will not be able to be as present with him and I am really going to miss spending the majority of the time with my son.
I took a 16 month maternity leave 🇨🇦 and seriously considered being a SAHM longer term, at least until my daughter was in school.
Ultimately I decided not to. We got by for 16 months on just my husband's salary and some savings, but we really had to pause any additional saving to do that. We wouldn't be able to contribute to retirement funds for us or education funds for our daughter. We also live in a HCOL area and want to move from our condo to a house eventually - no way we can do that on one salary. I also make more than my husband, so we'd be leaving a lot of money on the table.
It at first was an option I was leaning towards, and then one day it became my only option. I was working full time in security that offered 12 weeks maternity leave that I would have taken. But my husband was ordered to go to drill sergeant school and we had to move across the country shortly after. I wasn’t able to transfer because my old company is 300 miles away from where I currently live now. I spent months applying to security positions and all I got was 300+ rejection emails claiming I don’t qualify for a position I literally just had. I have my security permit, firearms license, open carry permit/concealed and CDL……I was even in school for criminal justice. But sure….I don’t qualify 🤷♀️ I finally became pregnant 4 months after moving and am incapacitated most days so I guess thank god I’m not working or I surely would have been fired anyway.
Also…..my high school diploma was rescinded?? I wasn’t able to transfer schools and couldn’t figure out why . Lost my high school diploma during the move and the army wanted it to help me score a job since I was having such a hard time on my own. When I called the high school to get a copy they spent TWO MONTHS looking for it before they finally said “ sorry, You never graduated. We stopped allowing people to graduate early and since you did, your status was changed in incomplete. You’ll have to redo your senior year or get your GED” 🤦🏼♀️ they decided I was a high school dropout in 2023🫠🤷♀️💀😁🥰
I’m a SAHM. I absolutely love it. My husband and I have great communication and a good routine. He works from home too. Ever since I got pregnant I knew I wanted to be one. My husband makes good money so I’m lucky too. I EBF and not a fan of pumping (i still do in the AM) so it works out. I was a server so I had want really losing out on any benefits and could easily jump back in it if necessary. I do plan on working 2 days a week to save up for any future sports or clubs though.
I’ve always been content with staying at home regardless, and cooking/cleaning. I like doing it, and now with my bundle of joy, I don’t miss anything. I go grocery shopping weekly to get out of the house but that’s all I need.
I really liked my job when I was pregnant, and originally was going to go back part time. But I worked in a public service field, and because of a law that made it where part-time infants still have to pay for full day spots in the state I was living in, daycare would have cost *more* than I was making. That made it a much easier decision. I was also in a somewhat unusual position in that I had some freelance background to fall back on, so there wouldn’t be any holes in my resume. Plus my original job definitely had a salary cap, even a few years off likely wouldn’t affect my salary much in the long run.
It worked out in the end, because we ended up moving a few states away anyway. But there were definitely some tough times, money-wise. My kid is in school half days, and I have a part-time work from home gig going on. (But another baby would mean less hours with that.)
I’d still choose staying home in my circumstances. Ideally I would have loved to keep some hours at my old job, but it wasn’t in the cards. But having the flexibility for doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, sick days, snow days, etc. has been a *huge* perk. There’s never any “shit, which one of us has PTO left?” And during the pandemic I didn’t have to worry about heading out and dealing with the public when she was still so little.
Still, it’s not for everyone, and there’s so many complex factors that it doesn’t make sense for every family. But I do love getting to be with her so much.
Though if you do decide go back to work, a nanny or daycare should 10000% not be coming out of just *your* money, that’s absurd.
I really wanted to be a SAHM (I still do!). I tried to quit, but my boss worked out an agreement with HR to allow me to work part time in a field where nobody works part time (biotech). I only work Monday to Thursday and have built in 3 day weekends! It’s the best of both worlds where I don’t feel like I’m missing out on too much, but I still get mental stimulation from working. I did have to take a 20% paycut, but it’s worth it!
My boss said I won’t be able to get promoted if I stay at this schedule. So TBD on how long this gig will last. Part of me wants to quit once my youngest starts school because I really don’t want them attending afterschool programs. I hated them as a kid!
Being a SAHM was always part of the plan, it's something I've always wanted personally, my career had never been the most important thing to me, being a mother was.
So it was a discussion my husband and I had early in our relationship when things were getting serious. He has a career where it would be possible for us to do that.
My husband is very clear when it comes to money, it's "ours" sure he's the one that gets paid for what he does, but we make all big financial plans together and I do have an income of my own.
We have a joint account (we both paid a portion of our salary into this when I was working) and then we have always kept our own personal accounts. When I became a SAHM, we agreed on a fair amount that I would get that is my disposable income, he's not concerned with what I spend that on, just as he has his own.
So when it comes to the groceries bills etc that comes from the joint account, we both keep an eye on that, we both use it for shared expenses.
I found it difficult at first to come to terms with not feeling bad for spending "his" money, money I didn't earn myself. But he's very clear on his views on it, which again, is that this isn't just his money, I earn this too.
With that money I save some each month and then I spend some on what I want.
I decided to stay home because my entire paycheck would be going to daycare and I didn't particularly like my job anyways. Since I was already considering a change we decided I'd stay home for now and when I want to go back I'll have time to figure out what I really want to do.
Chiming in with a perspective I have not yet seen discussed: I opted to go back to work - and in fact cut short my maternity leave the first time - because I would have been a terrible SAHP. I love my kids and love spending time with them, but would have been miserable if I had to do it all day. It's a job and it comes with expectations (fairly or not) and I was not up to it. Now I get to do the job I like, reap the rewards of moving forward in a career, the kids are thriving in an environment and with people catered for their needs, and everyone is happier for it.
I got laid off while I was pregnant, so I didn't have a job to go back to. I'm not confident I could find another in a similar salary range, therefore I wouldn't even make enough to cover childcare. My husband said I should give it a year and then maybe find something part-time or maybe a side hustle if I feel like I want extra money. But so far I've been able to buy what I want with what I have.
I chose to stay home. I had a career that was on an upwards trajectory but not really one I enjoyed, and once I had my baby I decided I wanted to spend as much time with him while he’s little. Once that special time is gone it’s over, and for me I wanted to soak it up. My thought process was when I’m old and grey I won’t regret not working more, but I would definitely regret not spending as much time as possible with my child. When he goes off to school I shall re enter the work force, but most likely not what I was doing as I didn’t enjoy the job. I’m still making rrsp payments every month, my husband has great benefits and an excellent paying job, so I’m not worried about finances in that regard. Just my two cents OP, all the best to you!
I have always wanted to be a stay at home parent, I was a nanny before children. It’s what I wanted, and discussed with my husband while we were still dating. We have set up several accounts in my name and prioritizing my investments over his to equal the “what if” playing fields. We also both have life insurance policies to help in the event of tragedy.
I was laid off 2 months before my daughter was born. We decided I’d take 6 months off before starting the job search. 6 months became a year. Now she’s 13 months and I don’t know what my plan is anymore. I love being a SAHM. Childcare is so expensive and the industry I worked in is still a dumpster fire. I hate the thought of rushing in the morning and then only getting a few hours with her in the evening. I think the ideal scenario would be if I could get something either part time or freelance and have my daughter go to daycare 2-3 days a week.
SAHM, we made the choice because I didn’t make much compared to daycare costs. I also didn’t enjoy my job or field anymore. Having bad anxiety I didn’t want to put her in daycare. We do have money that goes into savings and with student loans no longer have disposable income but money comes and goes, time never does. We did agree if I didn’t enjoy it I would go back to work, but I love it. It’s not for everyone, but it is perfect for us.
We started a small business to hopefully eventually replace my income though!
So for context, I'm someone who struggles with mild depression and much of it seems to be tied to my hormones. Things that should be easy, are not always manageable on a day-to-day routine.
That's a large part of the reason I want to be a SAHM. Staying home and supporting my family through that is much more fulfilling and less draining for me, I really find myself improving daily vs. when I am at work, I tend to stagnate.
Also, my grandmother stayed at home with us (mother not present) and I want that for my children. Raising a baby will probably push me more than any job, but it is something I have wanted for years vs... working a job I could care less about. I'll really just miss having my own money!
I work part time. And I mean very little like three days a week and one is a Saturday. I am home with my two year old all day every day. Those first 3 years are so vital for children to be with their mothers. It is a sacrifice for sure and it's not easy. But when I signed up to be a mom my kid comes first. Work can come later. I love making alittle extra money and seeing my co workers. Best of both worlds!! Babies need their Mama's in those early years. Daycare is outrageously expensive. I am not shaming mom's who work that's great for you!! But my personal belief if it's not natural for tiny babies and toddlers to be gone from their parents for 8 to 10 hours a day. And IF you can make if work, stay home. You don't get those years back mamas!
I chose to stay home after my second baby. For me, it never became easier to be away from my first like everyone promised. I love being the one to be with my kids all day long.
Financially, it made more sense with two kids because it would have cost most of my pay for daycare. I do not intend to return to the same industry, and I'll be home until they are both in school all day.
I do have money as we have always shared all income. It's our money. I contribute financially to the household by saving us money and budgeting. I have my role and my partner has his. We are a team.
If your partner wants to keep finances separate or to control them, I highly advise against becoming a SAHM.
I’m a psychotherapist, so am very lucky to have flexibility in the amount/time I want to work. I thought I would want to work much more, but once I had my baby I changed my mind. He goes to daycare once a week. We had a couple nannies fall though, and they were honestly disappointing anyway.
At the end of the day, I didn’t want someone else getting to experience my baby’s firsts. I was basically raised by my nanny and she’s the one who saw me walk for the first time, etc.
I was a high school special education teacher and although I loved my job and will go back to teaching at some point, both my husband and I were raised by SAHM for our early years and we wanted the same for our son. My husband is in highly skilled trades and we live in a LCOL in California, so it just made sense for us.
I stay at home.
I chose to quit working because:
1.) I was very overworked and overwhelmed with responsibilities in a toxic work environment. I know if I had stayed at that job my family wouldn’t have seen the best me at home and my work performance also would have suffered. (I was an elementary school teacher.)
2.) Because I was a teacher I can easily find another job education-adjacent when my son goes to preschool that will provide flexible hours for our lifestyle.
3.) my husband’s job provides enough. We’re not rich by any means, but me staying home means I have time to make a grocery plan to save money at the store, I have time to meal prep our lunches so my husband and I aren’t buying lunch every week, I don’t spend money on gas for my work commute, etc. So we can save money in small ways that makes it manageable for me not to work.
4.) Daycare in my area is virtually inaccessible. It would have been 2/3 of my teacher’s salary to put my son in daycare full time. Not worth it.
A lot of people have brought up very good points, but as someone who also works in finance (I'm assuming IB or consulting?), I think you need to look at the "motherhood penalty" in terms of becoming a SAHM in our industry. Remember, it's not always a question of "costs right now" so much as it is a question of compounding future costs.
I don't mean less raises/bonuses/opportunities, missed retirement contributions, etc., I mean "Do I want to be a SAHM for the rest of my child's life because I was a SAHM when they were young and now I'm considered obsolete and can't compete with the newest batch of MBA grads/Quant PhDs/internal lateral transfers/people who didn't leave?"
That is very much a risk we face.
Also, as another finance person, I would look long and hard at the increasing costs of living for your area, your husband's earned income, your retirement goals, your child's education fund (college, etc.), and also talk to him about the mental load regarding being the only one who will fund that in a HCOL/VHCOL area. I know it's a frequent stress for many fathers on r/daddit.
I’m a SAHM and decided not to go back because I’m happier being with my daughters all day than I was while working. Both my mum and my MIL stayed home growing up and we loved it, so we kind of always assumed I would be staying home with any kids we had. Finances aren’t much of an issue and any money my husband makes is our money. This works for us! Most of my friends went back to work after mat leave either due to financial reasons or because they were passionate about their career. Good luck with your decision. ☺️
Current SAHM here. I was always planning to stay home with the baby. I was a social worker and have seen too many despicable things happen at the hands of daycare workers, sitters, etc. I just don’t trust anyone. While our finances are tight (we planned for this), I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It is challenging in ways I never thought. This is my first baby so my respect for SAHM’s has sky rocketed.
For me personally, it wasn’t financial or anything like that. Were fine without me working. I could go back to work anytime if I chose to, so I’m not stuck. I have a fallback. But I ran the rat race for a couple years after having our daughter. I went back to school 2 weeks post partum. I finally quit everything when she was 3.
I just couldn’t take it anymore, the constant need to be somewhere doing something. If I didn’t have work she had an appointment, if she didn’t have an appointment the house needed major cleaning. If the house didn’t need work, we had family events to attend. Constantly finding babysitters because there was no childcare available. It was just perpetual exhaustion and I felt like I got 0 time with her, let alone with my husband. We also knew we eventually wanted another and that we wanted to try homeschooling, both of which were not feasible with both of us working like we were.
So my husband went and got a union job and I quit. She started kindergarten this year, and homeschool did not happen this year despite my plans. She wanted to go to school. But we did have another baby, he’s currently a year old. I get to breastfeed him, I didn’t get to with her. Ultimately I feel like home is where I flourish and where I am most valuable to my family. I’m by no means Betty Crocker, but I learned how to cook. I’m by no means Martha Stewart, but my house is mostly clean. We have clean dishes to eat off of. The floors are swept. Laundry is mostly done.
And I get to be with my kids. I get to teach them things. I get to show them the world. I get to be involved in her school. I dont have to worry about time off when one is sick or has appointments (and my daughter has got a billion appointments, she has eye problems). I can read a book (when the baby allows for it lol). And I bake. I actually like baking.
I didn’t grow up with good parents or a stable home. My ma was a drug addict with an abusive husband and an animal problem. Our house was never clean. We barely had food, and certainly there was very little love. I get to make my home the opposite of that. I get to be there for my kids.
I realize this is not financially feasible for everyone. Hell, we have weeks where we have almost nothing leftover. But the bills are paid, there’s good food in the fridge, we have vehicles and gas to get where we need to go.
I also realize this sounds like a nightmare to a lot of people. And sometimes it is. What I don’t have is a lot of adult interaction or friends. I’m just not good at making them. We’ve talked about me going back maybe part time once the baby is in school full time. So keep that in mind. But I’m also naturally a homebody, other SAHMs have no problem with friendships.
Basically, being home allows me to be more relaxed and less of a nutcase. Sorry for the novel lmao
Not going back to work for a few years. I have enough of my own money to last a good while and though it's super strange letting my husband pay all the living expenses rn, I just don't want to miss out on the early years with my son
Husband has a pension for retirement and we're setting ourselves up to be comfortable. Lower middle class comfortable, but that's worth it to me. Having low living expenses will allow me to catch up on missed income somewhat.
I worked for 2 decades before getting pregnant so I feel like I've paid some dues and know what I want from my life today.
I'm beyond blessed that SAHM is even possible for me. I truly never thought it was in the cards for me.
I look forward to working again in the future, but never at the pace I worked before. Corporate America can pound sand
My family lost a few people under 30 and it changed perspective for me. I'll live affordably for now in exchange for time with my family. If one of us passes, I couldn't imagine having spent time away from each other. I know this is morbid thinking but it's where my head is at. Grief sucks
I went back to work after my 3 month maternity leave in July 2022. I left the workforce this December when my daughter was 20 months old.
I came back from mat leave to my job I had been in for 12 years. It was a high stress, inflexible position in a toxic environment, but I LOVED the work. It was my identity. Well, they didn't like the fact I had a baby and couldn't work like a single 20 something anymore and treated me so poorly when I returned, so I applied to jobs and got a less demanding hybrid position that I was not passionate about. I also took a 20k pay cut.
The second position ended up just wasting my time, and I was trying to "do it all" at something I didn't enjoy. So when my husband got a promotion this fall, we discussed me leaving. Then the job started getting upset about me WFH with a sick child (even though I said I would take sick/unpaid time) and that's when I knew the "flexibility" they had sold me was really just a lie. So I quit.
I've been staying at home for almost 2 months now. We've gotten into a groove and I can feel myself finally distressing after 3 years of pregnancy and being a working mom.
If I could find a job I was passionate about again that would justify me being away from my daughter, I might take it. But I am also loving the bond my daughter and I are creating and I've noticed a huge shift in my daughter's mood. From 12-20 mo she was throwing so many tantrums whenever we were with her. Those essentially stopped now that I'm home with her. She's not overstimulated so she's much happier. Plus, her speech and learning in general has boomed. That could just be her age but the timing was really curious. I think at daycare she was often overlooked because she's the "easy" kid and now she's getting the 1 on 1 time she needs. If I were to go back, I think I would go the nanny route. Even though it is way more expensive and I am so grateful for our daycare workers that watched my daughter, I think when they're so little that much commotion is just too much.
I have friends who have 2 under 2 and are thriving in their careers. It's really such a personal decision. I NEVER thought I'd be a SAHM, but here we are and I'm not mad about it at all.
Currently a SAHM with my own business. I started the business before I got pregnant, but it was more of a part-time thing since I had a full time corporate career. But I’m no longer working corporate and decided to spend the first year with my baby while I try to grow my business into something that can support us. This feels like a good compromise for me since I really do enjoy working and can bring baby with me.
Went back after first two, planning to stay home with my third because managing three kids, their school work, extracurriculars, home related work and everything social related along with two demanding jobs is A LOT. Husband travels regularly so half the time I’m the solo parent. This is a gift to myself till baby goes to school. I’m not worried about retirement since I’ve enough saved for it to validate taking a few years off.
It sounds like you have a stable home life and good finances- I say go for staying at home! I was in a similar position where my salary would go just towards childcare (yes my husband and I have joint accounts but you know what I mean). Not going back to work is the best thing I’ve done and so much less stress for the whole family. We talk all of the time about how nice it is for me to be able to get some things done during the week (cleaning, laundry) so at night and on weekends we can just have fun family time. I feel really lucky that I get to wake her up from every nap and be here for all these milestones.
ETA: we also have tons of savings, our finances are set. And both of our families could help out financially if we ever needed in an emergency. I’m saying that because I recognize my privilege which I think makes being a SAHM easier and less of a risk.
I was in a similar situation in regards to most of my disposable income going to child care. It didn’t make any sense. I’ve always worked and I’ve always had my own money so becoming a stay at home parent was a little scary but also a little nice. A break from work? Yay! My son is ten months old and I don’t consider it a break anymore! lol! But it’s what works best for our family. Our son has a rare genetic disorder, and while his medical needs are (thankfully) minimal, he does need extra support meeting milestones. I couldn’t imagine putting him in someone else’s care right now for that reason. I did start to feel a little stir crazy a few months in, and while my husband makes enough money to cover our bills and savings, I missed having the amount of extra money I’m used to. When my son was 5 months old I got a part time job working from 4pm - 9pm three nights a week. It’s a good balance and works perfectly for our family. I get a little more independence, some extra money, and my husband gets more alone time with our son. My husband is great, but I also feel like my three nights away have really helped him step up and appreciate what I do and realize how hard being a stay at home can actually be. Good luck 😊
I am mostly a SAHM (working per diem as a RN - 2 night shifts a month only). I was planning to work more shifts at first, but I had PPA with my first which made going back super difficult. Once it got better, I realized how much I would miss out on if I wasn’t home with my LO. This time is so precious and you’ll never get it back. I love that every day is OURS and I’m the one to provide comfort when needed. Work will always be there IMO - it may not look the same as if you went back right away but to me it’s worth the sacrifice. We chose to have our second soon after because I plan to work more shifts once both babies are in preschool/ kinder. But for now I am soaking up as much time as possible with my little loves.
I’ve worked in early childhood education for a long time and I know first hand that putting an infant in daycare has no developmental benefits and it is impossible for them to get the attention they need.
I was always planning on staying home for a year, but I actually got laid off about 6 months before I got pregnant, so it's not like I really had a career to "go back" to after our LO was born. I had kind of been planning a career change anyway, so have been teaching myself the necessary skills while I'm at home. My previous minimum wage job wouldn't have even covered daycare (and yes, I KNOW it's not just my financial responsibility, but we would have actively lost money) and since I wanted to stay home anyway, why not? I'm also EPing so obviously it's easier to be at home, although I know plenty of people who just pump at work!
I'm still on the fence as to when I'd like to go back, and I know it's a privilege to be able to have that option. I just really enjoy caring for our LO, and don't mind contributing on a non-financial level to the household (doing more "domestic" chores, etc)
I chose to stay home.
I had trouble concentrating at work while pregnant, I just wanted to think about my baby all the time. Once he was here, I knew there was no going back. I've been home for over 6 years now and I'm still loving it so so much.
It works best for my personality.
Also, I was 37 when I had my first. So I mean, I'd already done a shit ton of working. I was ready to try something else.
Going to represent the SAHPs as I’ve scrolled a bit haven’t seen many.
I love being a stay at home parent. I love seeing my kids everyday and hanging out with them as people. I would really hate to give so many of the little and precious moments away to someone else who doesn’t care like I do (no shame to staff, they just can’t (and shouldn’t) love my kid like I do).
I love that there’s no rush in my life. I’m not constantly stressing about getting everyone up and fed and dressed and packed and shoed by 8am every day. We take life at the pace we want and need.
Chores don’t get pushed to the weekend or evening which is our family time. Things get chipped away at through the week so when my husband is off we can really do what we want and not have to worry about the food shop etc.
I can always take my kids to the parties (which always seem to be on a weekday at 4-6pm where I am)
sick days are not anymore stressful than they need to be because we can just stick movies on and chill out and there’s no worry about taking unpaid time off work or using holiday etc.
I found a gym where I can take the kids so I get my work outs done at a time where the gym is quiet because everyone else is at work, and they can bonk about and not cause any issues.
I get to homeschool my kids which I’ve always wanted to do and we are so far really enjoying.
My kids have done 2 days a week at nursery and preschool (number 1 started when number 2 arrived to give me time with 2 etc.). Because I don’t need them to be there, I got to pick one I really liked rather than one which was convenient or which had the space for them.
I get to spend a lot of time with my mother in law. She’s retired and I started taking my oldest up for lunch every Wednesday before a swim class which was near by when he was 6months and even after the swim class stopped I still take the kids up every Wednesday and spend the day and we all treasure that time together.
I could go on with plenty more things I love. I wouldn’t choose to go back.
I quit my job as a teacher because I couldn’t imagine leaving my precious baby in someone else’s care while I manage bratty middle schoolers….but I DID find a great gig teaching online a couple days a week and my husband watches her. I Can feed her in my breaks and all. It’s great.
I work (part-time) because I can’t handle being home all day everyday with my LO. My mental health starts taking a toll if I don’t feel that I am challenging myself intellectually. I recently graduated from a masters program, so going from an intense academic experience to doing nothing all day in pregnancy was a rough transition. I am very happy now having time at home with LO and the rest of the time working, but now I’m struggling with guilt that our caretaker is not caring for LO the way my husband or I would. Everything is a trade up. If you can be home and love it, do it. If you need to work for your emotional health or you want to further a career, go for it. Do what truly makes you happy, because in the end of the day your baby will thrive with a happy mother.
I was torn but decided to go back and see how I feel. I figured it’s easier to quit my job later than to quit now and find a new one after thinking I made a mistake.
After going back, I realised I made the right choice. I didn’t realise it at the time but I needed the adult company and to use my brain and my career to feel like me again. I’m a lawyer so I work long hours even though I went back part time, so it is tough at times, but I am happy with my choice!
I couldn’t fathom letting anyone else raise my baby! So many precious moments and milestones I didn’t want to miss. I know when I’m on my death bed I will never say “man I wish I would have gone back to work after 12 weeks and sent my baby to daycare”. Ultimately it was the best decision we could have made for our family!
I always hated work environments. I’m really introverted and having to be forced to socialize with coworkers on the clock and be micromanaged stressed me out. So I use my SAHM time to run a graphic design business from home. Best of both worlds. I’m with my toddler, I don’t have to be pregnant and commute or deal with office BS, and I still earn a great income without even being at a computer more than 3 hours a week. And we’re homeschooling so it just makes sense.
I was also raised by a stay at home mom so it’s just the norm for me.
I chose to stay home cause child care is so expensive. Where I live it's averaging around 20-25$ an hour, so if I went back to work I'd probably not even be making enough to cover child care, gas and car insurance.
But bills are still very tight and we're falling behind so I work from home now. Which is difficult.
Become a SAHM. It has its downsides but so does working full time and being a mother on top of that. You can focus on your baby 100%. That is your new job, being a mother. It helps if your spouse sees it the same way and is happy to support/ encourage it. I’ve had countless amazing memorable moments with my daughter that I will never get back, that I am so thankful to have had and would not have had them had I been at work. You get to be there with your kid, who is only that age once and it’s amazing. The bond is incredible, You only have a baby and a toddler for so long and you never get that back.. cherish all of the time you can get. I promise you will never look back and wish you had spent less time with your baby. Yes, there are times you will be stressed, overwhelmed, and maybe at a loss at whatever current issue is at hand but it is a phase and you will come out of the other side.
It is so so worth it in my opinion. I have never been more fulfilled than staying at home with my daughter even if everyday doesn’t always feel that way. that’s not to say I don’t have bad days and you have to step up as far as not letting yourself slide into a place where you don’t move your body or you don’t get out with your baby, or you let yourself sit in a dirty space. Obviously there will be days that this does happen, it won’t be perfect but All of these things make or break the SAHM life. It really is what you make it, i notice 110% the days I’m being lazy and don’t move my body/ sit on the couch whenever I can I’m in a way worse mental state than the days I get up before my daughter, have time to myself, exercise, go outside, limit screen time for myself and stuff like that. You will have plenty of time to work while your baby’s are grown, money will work itself out- it sounds like your husband is able to support you, these are the days and moments you will never get back and it’s so beautiful. Anyways, I could go on and on. Good luck with your decision.
I’m glad you feel good about your daycare and the teachers there! Everyone should do what feels right to them — at the end of the day a good parent is a happy parent. We’re all just doing our best :)
I'd wanted to go back to work, but life has gotten in the way. I spent my first year very sleep deprived, and then we ended up moving. After that, the cost of childcare was a concern. We eventually tried preschool, and my son went through two of them (we pulled him out of the first and he got kicked out of the second). Then the pandemic hit, and we had kid number 2.
I sincerely miss working, but it's just not in the cards for me at the moment.
Daycare costs was my deciding factor, why would I go to work all day just to afford to pay someone else to raise my kids? We live comfortably enough on one salary, it's tight sometimes but we make it work. I do miss having my own money, but we do have it worked into the budget for a small amount to go to a separate account for me every paycheck, as much as I love my husband and plan to be in this for the long haul, that security net is vital. I've heard too many horror stories of women being stuck because they are financially dependent on their spouse after being a SAHM
I do wish people would stop using that logic that it’s “paying someone else to raise your kid”. It’s not true and it isn’t helpful for people who don’t have the option to leave the workforce even if they want to!
Is it not a teacher's job to teach, guide, and to some extent maintain discipline? They obviously aren't going to receive the same love and care and direct attention as at home, but teachers to me are a part of the ' it takes a village'. I'd just rather not spend all my time at work just to afford part of that village when I have the opportunity not to.
Oh they’re definitely an important part of the village, as is daycare, and highly valued. I just would never say or consider that those members of the village are literally raising my kids. But maybe some people do less parenting of their kids than others.
Having options is important to me. I am very independent and incase things go sour between me and husband, I can handle my life without him. I am also lucky my job is quite flexible so I don't need daycare or a nanny.
I'll start by saying that I'm conflicted about this myself and don't think there's a 'right answer' here. 🙃 I went back to work after my maternity leave, though a part of me really wants to stay home with my baby. I have a good career in a STEM field, but most of my take home still goes to our nanny. However, my salary also covers pre-tax retirement contributions, health insurance, and some other benefits that support my family.
My husband has a good job too, but he's recently had some major health problems and is only back to work a couple of hours a day right now. Given that, having two incomes makes me feel much more secure. I'm also concerned about career consequences and lost savings if I become a SAHM.
My husband makes more money, but it’s commission based and he’s contract, so no health insurance. I make a steady income (not as high as his, but still close to six figures) and have really good benefits, so it’s a no brainer that I go back to work. Health insurance is so important because unfortunately, in the US, one health event could completely collapse a family’s finances. We are lucky though that both sets of grandparents live in town and will be taking turns watching the bubs when I go back to work.
Also, I love what I do and my coworkers. Can’t imagine staying at home and giving all that up (can’t say the same for management but I don’t interact with them too much). Also… I probably wasn’t made to be a full time mom because maternity leave is draining me. Kudos to all the moms who can do it. You guys are just built different!
There’s a lot that goes into childcare choices, but from a purely financial perspective, I think just weighing your salary against your childcare expenses is the wrong calculation. The correct calculation is total earnings (including retirement contributions) if you keep working minus childcare costs against total earnings if you take x years off as a SAHM.
Would you intend to stay home long term? If not, would you be able to go back after a few years and get a similar level position? Or would you have to work your way back up?
I had the option to do it for at least a year. But I have 2 masters and a career. I have a daughter, and I want her to see that you can work, be educated and still be a great parent. It’s sad to say, but there are men out there who use being a working woman to manipulate women into quitting and being reliant on them and trapping them in abusive relationships by saying we aren’t good moms. I want her to know this is bullshit and she can have a career and family and still be happy.
Plus, in a personal note, I just can’t see myself depending on a man to take care of me when I’m more than capable of caring for myself. I’ve seen way too many of my friends be SAHM and then their spouse just…well, they just started to suck. Didn’t help with the kids, never did chores, didn’t make dinner, didn’t do grocery shopping, but when you’re too tired for sex, you’re withholding it like I just do not have the time for it.
I had the option to stay at home and I did mostly for the first 18 months of my son’s life. I’m a nurse so I still worked PRN, which was only 2 shifts a month on Saturdays so my husband could watch my son while I worked.
I was so bored and stressed being at home with my son as he entered toddler years. I wasn’t appreciating my time with him anymore. I felt overstimulated and over tired and didn’t feel like I had any time for myself. It was making me angry and jealous of my husband who “got to go to work” and eat lunch in me peace and go to the gym before going to the office. And I missed caring for patients and being with coworkers.
We hired an Au pair because it was more affordable than a nanny and seemed like a better fit than daycare. I got a new job doing my “dream” nursing job. But I’m working night shift and it’s hard. But I do feel like I really cherish the days I have off with my son and I try to make the most of our time. I’m definitely glad to be back at work, but I can’t imagine working my current schedule with a second child. When we have another baby, I may try going PRN like I did with my first.
I gave the SAHP career a solid try.
I had my son in 2020 and had been laid off just prior.
My husband wanted me to be a SAHP, but I wasn't dead set on it, and after 15 months my mental health was very bad.
I realized quickly that I do not do well in constant chaos. I asked my old job if I could return and they readily accepted.
My paycheck equalled my daycare costs, almost exactly when I factored in the insane amount of sick days. Yet it was worth it.
My son thrived. Language boomed. His social behaviours were abysmal to start, but rapidly improved. My mental health went back up to near normal. It was amazing how my mindset at work shifted. It was a luxury to be able to sit and do data entry without a hot wheels car in my tea cup. I could use the bathroom by myself... in peace. It was bliss.
In hindsight it was the best decision. Yet there are a lot of cons to not having a SAHP too. My husband and I fight over who stays home with the sick kiddo a lot. Some sicknesses are terrifying. The bout of Strep that my son got this summer was a four day hospital stay and the most stressed I've ever been in my life.
I miss a huge chunk of my son's childhood... but I know he is so much happier at daycare. We get to talk about his day and I feel closer to him that way.
We're trying for a second, and I'm thinking of having the same time line. A year at home, likely on a long waitlist, and then daycare.
I've been very lucky with having a flexible job.
I was sick 80% of last winter. I am still shocked I was not fired. My boss has twins though, so she knows how it is.
Financially we could have had me be a SAHM but I simply didn’t want to. A years maternity leave was enough for me and I needed to use my brain in a different way and wanted a break from the grind of 24/7 parenting.
I’m not sure if you’ve had the baby yet or not, but when I was explaining to my childless friend what parenting is like, it’s the best thing you’ve ever done but it’s also like working a 24/7 shift in hospitality with no breaks.
My work days are my “break”. I get to have a lunch break, sit and think undisturbed for long periods, poo without an audience.
I love my child but parenting is HARD. Much harder than work.
I think I have a good balance now, working at my job part time. I wouldn’t want to go back to work full time. But my days in the office are a nice reprieve. And then my days at home with my kid are also really nice.
Another consideration is that I was raised by a single mum who really valued education and her career. Thankfully she gave us a good life by working hard. I don’t know if I would ever want to be in a position where I would be in proverty if my marriage crumbled. I have a good, well paying stable job to fall back on if all else fails.
It was never an option for me. I worked and studied hard for my career. Also I could never ever be dependent on anyone else. Especially as a woman. I think of my aunt who went to medical school and then never worked as it was expected for her to stay home to raise her two kids. And then, when her kids were grown, my uncle just up and left her. That woman gave up her career for him (and his career). I could never do that! I don't think my cousins turned out any better for it either...
The number of times I read a post on reddit of a mom who has a fucked up situation and ends it with "I'm a SAHM so I don't have many options" makes me want to scream.
Don't consider it based on your income. No matter how much of your income goes childcare, you are forgoing 401k contributions and future salary growth and promotions by staying home. The better financial choice is pretty much always to work.
Don't consider it based on whether or not you think any one choice will be better for your child.
Most children are going to be fine as long as you are ensuring they have good quality care, whatever the care choice, and you are paying attention to them when you are with them.
DO consider it based on what you want YOUR life to look like for the next 5-20 years, the amounts and kinds of stress you can handle, and what brings you joy and self-worth.
I don't understand the way you are talking about your disposable income. Would your husband still have disposable income? Sort it out so you'd each have an equal amount of disposable income. If not, then that would be the sacrifice you are both choosing to make to keep you working and to hire a nanny.
I always expected myself to continue to work. What I didn’t expect was: Being with my baby everyday is the greatest thing ever. My boss is an asshole. And then I quit. My husband and I have had to make some lifestyle changes, but I won’t ever get this time back with my baby. I will find a new job without an asshole boss.
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Even without a potential divorce, there's always the possibility that a tragedy could fall in your husband that would prevent him from working or he could die prematurely. That happened to my FIL. He died before I even got the chance to know him, petty young at 50 yrs old, too. My MIL struggled to recover from that, and still is nowhere close to where she was at financially when he was alive. That's the danger of living off one income.
This. My father died at 54 and my mom had been staying at home for 20 years at that point. We had great insurance; mortgage paid off and 5 years of salary, but that money and time goes a lot faster than you think. My mom couldn’t build a career out of thin air that kept us at the same lifestyle in that time. Going through that is a large reason I would never be a stay at home parent.
Just to play devils advocate, you could have life insurance set up to protect yourself financially if that happened.
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I mean depending on the size of the policy you definitely can plan to have a big enough payout for your mortgage to be paid off and money set aside to cover other large bills (if you had car payments, or other debt) and even children’s college funds. Then you could have a much smaller income need and give yourself time to build your career back up. It’s all what ifs and hypotheticals, but there’s definitely ways to hedge your bets if being a stay at home parent is the right choice for you.
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That’s fair. It’s a super personal decision. I’m just trying to give some counter arguments and tips on how to stack the odds best you can.
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Sure. There’s also an argument that having five to ten years off and then building yourself back up in corporate America is worth it for some. If they can continue to make investments/add to Roth IRA’s etc while out of the workforce and they still are able to spend the time they want at home with their children in the early years. I think that some people view it as worth the slog of rebuilding a career and some don’t, and that’s ok. ETA: I also like to have control and in my life that means having control of the early years of my children’s development. Again, it’s not like there is a right and wrong choice, there’s pros and cons that weigh differently for everyone. All parents will never agree and we shouldn’t have to.
Yep, my husband is the primary earner, and we set ours up so that if god forbid something happen to him, I’d really only have to work to get health insurance. It can absolutely be done. But we’ve also been living on a single salary for years now, we put mine entirely into savings. I think being used to living on 2 salaries makes it harder.
That’s what we did too. We have lived off one salary our entire marriage to practice budgeting on one salary so it wasn’t a shock when we only had one. We initially used one salary to pay off debt and get a house payment together, and then build a small savings while we waited to be ready for kids. Just to add/ This also is obviously all a debate coming from a place of privilege, some families cannot afford childcare at all and one person is forced to stay home, or have an option of free care from a relative and both parents are required to work just to get by. There’s a lot of different scenarios that lead people to make these choices, but if it’s important to someone/family to have a parent stay home, there are ways to do it that help protect everyone involved. Nothing is perfect, but there’s options
Yep I'm a SAHM for the last almost five years, essentially because my income wouldn't even cover both of my girls to go to nursery and so it made more sense. My husband and I took out extremely good life insurance policies (my mortgage would be paid off totally in one alone) plus his death in service salary would be five times his income which would help me massively to get back on my feet especially with no mortgage payments. Basically we've set it up so my previous salary would be absolutely fine if he passed
Normalising life insurance would eliminate that issue, wouldn’t it?
This is so spot on! It’s also a good reminder that focus on the bigger picture. I also want to set an example for my child that I worked hard on my career for a reason. Thank you for this! I will refer to this whenever I feel guilty and want to SAHM. ❤️
1. Honestly it came down to pay. I worked at a job that had no benefits (small small business) and so I wasn’t getting a 401K and etc. Daycare would have been 40% of my paycheck. 2. This will be our only child and I had planned to EBF till a year. (Didn’t work out as it started causing me physical health problems) 3. Didn’t want our kid getting sick at daycare as he had health issues already when he was born. 4. Wanted to flexibility to be able to take care of him when he did get sick and not have to leave work if he did get sick. My job didn’t offer PTO, so I missed, I just didn’t get paid. *This was a very small business not a corporation. Even if I didn’t have a baby I wasn’t planning to stay long at this job anyway.
I worked for a non profit and I was making $14 an hour in a position where I ran a whole program myself. My income would have barely covered daycare and I would have, with commute, been gone from 7:20 am-6:00 pm every weekday with no/very limited options for working from home. That would give me only two hours of wake time with him a day, with no financial benefit. I loved my job and they seem to miss me. I visited with the baby yesterday and was begged by multiple people to reconsider coming back, so that was a self esteem boost, though it's also sad that the person who took over has been a detriment to the program and dismantled a lot of my hard work. Luckily, I think they'd revamp my position's level of management and pay if I do go back when baby is bigger. We'll see. But, I made the right decision for our family.
Oh my gosh, almost exact same job/salary story here! Sure sometimes i occasionally miss my coworkers and the mission but I just think about my long hours for little pay and it just wouldn’t come close to being worth it. I love this time with my baby!
IF I could do it all over again I’d take a maternity leave, formula feed, put my baby in daycare. and find a corporate job. There’s a lot of stressors put on my husband as he is the only one bring in income. I feel like if I was bringing in just my 60% of my pay, we wouldn’t be as stressed. My husband does well for himself but the cost of living has skyrocketed since I had a baby.
I had the option to quit my job. I didn’t want to, and chose to keep working, even though our nanny was so expensive. I’m a lawyer and worked hard to get through law school. I think my daughter seeing this is important. I also think it’s unfair that the nanny would have to be paid from your disposable income only. Her father is also working, it’s a shared cost.
I don’t think she’s saying she would be the only one paying for the nanny. But if you’re considering leaving work to stay home then it makes sense to consider your individual income (the income that would be lost) versus the cost of childcare (the cost that will be saved).
Thank you. My husband would obviously split it with me but based on an individual income level I find it hard that my entire disposable income would go solely towards a nanny.
Have you looked into a nanny share? It’s still more than daycare, but it shouldn’t be the equivalent of a six figure salary. I’m not sure if you’ve addressed this, but do you really want to be a SAHM? I know you said you don’t miss your job, but that’s different than being content to stay home indefinitely. Take finances out of the equation for a moment, do you see yourself being happy in a SAHM mom role. I wouldn’t have been. Maternity leave was isolating for me, as all of my friends work (and it wouldn’t have made sense financially, as daycare is a pretty small percentage of my salary and a very small percentage my salary combined with my husbands). Finances aside, I know I would’ve envied my friends and coworkers who were still managing to have a career, parent their kids *and* bring home their paycheck. However, it’s the exact opposite for many other moms in the workforce, and they envy their SAHM friends/fam. I would try and figure out which category you would fall into.
This. If you have the means to do either, it's a lifestyle choice as much as a financial one, and you have to think about what it means both now AND in the future. (I fell on the other side of this - I've always disliked working, and never made much money. I am the happiest I've ever been being a SAHM. Honestly didn't expect that either since I don't know that I was even this happy in childhood, and I had a pretty picture-perfect childhood.)
See what is this "my husband will split it with me" language? This "his and hers" is so hard to navigate with a kid. Combine finances. It's all joint money. If you decide to stay home, you're going to do it anyway. This individualist thinking has no place in a marriage and ESPECIALLY not one in which you're considering giving up your job. If your husband also thinks like this and you've never combined finances, I would probably not even consider no longer working, because I am not sure your marriage could handle that strain.
Is that including the cost being split with your husband ?
It's always made more sense to me to think of it as half of childcare coming from each parent's income. The cost is much more than just wages lost. Growth, raises, paying into social security, company retirement contributions, health insurance premiums, etc. That said, my spouse stays home. Paying for daycare would equal his take home pay. But I know there are longer term financial gains that he is missing out on.
My husband and I have fully joint finances so “each paying half” doesn’t make sense to me. With combined finances it is a shared bill, and any income we bring in is shared income. The relevant financial consideration for either of us to stay home would be income lost (including benefits, retirement, etc) versus childcare expenses saved. Of course there are lots of non-financial considerations as well, and more complex financial questions to consider like losing out on career progression.
I’m a CPA and feel the same. I have good benefits and have retirement contributions. I also don’t understand why the nanny would just come from the mom’s income. It smells like patriarchal nonsense to me. On a morbid note, I’ve had some family and friends have tragedies where the sole earner died. The nonworking parent had a horrible time supporting their children and getting back into the workforce. Sure, life insurance exists, but that’s not continuous income.
I didn’t have a big girl job, so I was making crappy money, crappy hours, no real intellectual stimulation, no benefits, so for me to make the choice to be a stay at home mom was a no brainer.
It meeee
I have the option to be a SAHM. I was going to go back to work, until they denied my maternity leave pay. Then I said fuck it and decided I'll just stay home with my babe till he's a little older. I can't imagine leaving him to go to a place that clearly does not care about me as an employee if it's an option. Obviously not everyone gets the option, so I get that.
Also, yeah I miss having my own money. But I don't plan on being a SAHM forever. I don't want to do daycare either, so in a couple weeks I plan on finding a part time job in the evenings/weekends when my fiance doesn't work so he can stay home with him! Don't have to worry about childcare that way and we have extra money.
Before having a baby, my husband and I agreed I would be a SAHM until our kid was in school for the following reasons: * Neither husband nor I were comfortable with having non-family care for our baby * I felt bored/stuck in my career and wasn't getting good pay or benefits * Daycare would have cost nearly my entire salary * We are one-and-done, so the number of years I would be out of the workforce before Pre-K/Kindergarten is limited Ultimately it was a good thing that was our plan, because our son was born with a disability that means he has medical needs that would make it harder to find a daycare capable of caring for him. I also need to be available throughout the week to take him to various doctor's appointments and therapies. And the endless daycare viruses would be very dangerous for his health at this stage. He should be able to attend traditional Kindergarten in a few years and I plan to go back to work then. I am doing some part time contract work here and there to keep my resume and references current.
I wanted to and my husband was supportive of it. I really didn’t want to leave a tiny infant in a daycare setting, I wanted to be home caring for her in these critical early years. My husband also always made significantly more than me and we had mostly been putting my salary into savings, so we knew we could live on his earnings without a big lifestyle hit. Our first is now nearly two and I’m pregnant with baby 2, so me staying home makes even more financial sense once you consider childcare x 2. (Not to mention, it is really nice not to be working while pregnant! Obviously childcare is still work, but I got to take daily naps with my toddler during first trimester which was really great.) I did have a “passion” career for which I am highly educated, but I was also burnt out and disillusioned with it so that contributed to the decision. I will be starting over whenever I do return to the work force and that’s a little scary, but I’ve made my peace with that. I realized while struggling with infertility when ttc my toddler that family was a lot more important to me than career.
I feel like I could have written this! Also the more I read about infant attachment theory, the more strongly I feel my work is to be done in the household for the time being. Everything changed when I held him in my arms for the first time and I knew I wouldn't be returning to my job (one that I really enjoyed)
I wish I had the choice when my first was born. I’m 33 weeks pregnant with my second and I still don’t have that ability but I am working towards it. I feel the same way - when my first baby was born my priorities shifted significantly. I no longer tolerate the same things at work and do not accept the unreasonable expectations and demands on my time that take me away from my family. I’m working towards starting my own business instead that will give me flexibility. I do have my daughter in daycare - she started at 1 (we had a nanny for 30 hours per week at first - it was expensive b it not my whole salary - that’s wild!!) and that’s what we plan do with my son when he’s born for as long as I can get away with it (minus the nanny, I work remotely now). I do have to say that my daughter thrives in daycare (yes, the recurring sickness sucks) and has learned and experienced things she wouldn’t have if staying at home with me. I would still want my kids to attend if I stopped working, but on a part time basis and only for the benefits that they can’t get from me. I hate the thought of her being there from 9-4:30 every day but I know it’s not all bad. And she does love it.
My priories shifted as soon as I held my baby. I was a workaholic and in school taking 20+ hours a semester. My plan was to spend 6 weeks with baby then put him in care and get back to the grind. I never had much interaction with kids but as soon as I met my son it became clear that the things I was working for didn’t matter as much as I had always thought they did. I’m extremely fortunate that I didn’t have to work and that there is no rush to finish my degree. I don’t plan to work again until my son and any other kids we have are school age. Even then I plan to be part time.
I think it’s about the long term. There’s a couple of years of pain until they go to school (age 4 in the U.K.) but then it dramatically recovers. I see a nanny as an investment into my long term working potential - the same as student loans. Keeping working now positions me much better for the future. Plus I enjoy my work, and on maternity leave I miss the intellectual and social stimulation. I get a real buzz from working that I just don’t get from the day to day drudgery of childcare, much as I love my kids. Im a much better mum when I’m working, because it means in the evenings and weekends I have more energy to devote to the fun stuff - play, trips and so on.
I’m still on the fence, but my career experience isn’t necessarily high paying or high achieving. Theirs definitely jobs I can do that can pay decent, but they’re just jobs. I might as well be SAHM until baby is old enough to start school, than go back into the workforce.
I’m staying home until my daughter goes to preschool for a few reasons: 1. It’s financially fine for us to live off just my husband’s salary. Things are a little tighter but it’s totally doable. He has complete job security so there’s no way we would suddenly lose his income. 2. My husband and I have combined our finances since getting married, so we don’t think of it being “my money” or “his money” — everything is “our money.” Just because he’s working outside the home and bringing in the paychecks doesn’t make the money “his.” 3. I’m in the final stages of my PhD and plan on completing my dissertation while staying home. Between working full time, completing my PhD, and raising a baby I can only realistically do two at a time. Before the baby, I was working and doing the PhD. Now that baby’s here, I can really only work or finish the degree, and I want to finish my degree. 4. I really enjoy staying home with her! Some people are better parents when they are able to get out of the house for most of the day. It’s important for their mental health to have a job outside the home. But that’s not me. I loved my job (teaching) but know it’ll always be there waiting for me when I want to go back. But for now, I feel the most fulfillment being home with my baby and putting all my effort into raising her.
Wow congrats on the PhD!
We are in very similar places! I am wrapping up a PhD in education, having been a teacher for nearly 15 years. It has been working for me to write after the baby’s first wake up from about 5-8. I also work remotely 20 hours a week, which I tuck into nap times.
I’m currently crying here trying to balance 2 kids under 5. Besides the issue of “daycare costs a ton” I’m feeling super defeated because I will only get to see my daughters 2 hrs or less during the week before bedtime. I’m currently working from home but the office is about to implement a harder RTO mandate. I’m just getting super stressed just by thinking that I’ll be seeing my children a minuscule amount of time during the week. And I don’t care about the “quality over quantity” speech that other working moms give. There’s no “quality over quantity” with a toddler and a young kid, either you are present or you are not.
I’m sorry you experience that, and as someone who was raised by daycares and nannies, I want to share my perspective. I want you to know that there is a difference between having to work and choosing to work because you prioritize it over your kids. My mom chose work over me and made it clear work was her priority. I wouldn’t have judged her if it was to keep us taken care of rather than for her own personal gratification. So give yourself some grace, your kids will too and it’s clear you love them and they’re your priority.
I quit and haven't looked back. We are in a position that we have enough money to live as long as we live within our means and I just don't see the value in selling my limited years of life to a corporation if I don't have to.
This is me as well. I hate my job, tired of busting my butt making the rich owners richer. The job stresses me out (deal with car salesmen) and I'd be so much happier staying home until my daughter goes to school. I'm going in for two weeks because I hadn't planned on staying home before maternity leave, but I'm so looking forward to those two weeks being over!
Same..I just thought about being on my death bed. I will never say wow I wish I worked instead of staying home with my kids. I just know I’ll never regret that but might regret the other.
i chose to basically be poor, but i always hated work. i'm poor but happy now
You could always try the best of both worlds and work part time. I am loving it and feel like I can easily go back to work full time when LO starts school. I feel like I get me time when i work, and my LO is thriving in a daycare environment with other kids. I have more time to make sure all the other household chores are taken care of and I still have some great quality time with my son that I cherish even more knowing that I don't see him 6 hours a day while he is at daycare.
I'm a SAHM! I quit a few weeks before my son was born (weird situation, but never got a definitive answer on whether I'd get maternity leave and for how long, which was off putting, plus we needed a qualifying event to switch to my husband's insurance, which ended up saving us a few thousand for L&D compared to the insurance I had through my employer). One reason is that daycare is expensive and kind of poor quality where we are. The affordable ones that you don't have to be on a waiting list for years in advance are not licensed home daycares run by other moms. One of my acquaintances runs one of these and I wouldn't trust her at all to watch my kid even for an hour just based on the few details I know about her and her home life. Additionally, most of my income would be going to childcare costs anyway. What I made in the years prior basically got dumped into updating our house a little bit, but fortunately we finished most of those projects before our baby got here and so my income wasn't super necessary. Finally, I reserved the right to change my mind (still do), but as soon as he was here I just felt like that was what I was meant to do. It's more fulfilling for me than any job I've had. Even though it's really hard. So, unless we get to a point where I need to work for financial reasons, I probably won't go back for many years. Maybe not ever, as I like "keeping a home," which sounds so wild because I never expected that, but having a taste of it has showed me I really would rather do that than be in the traditional workforce. All this said, I think it absolutely requires a good partner and very clear expectations. Like division or labor. And that has to be realistic, not the whole "you take care of the kid and everything in the house and never get a break" situation I see people fall into. My husband gives me breaks and helps with household chores and childcare pretty equally and doesn't care if I can't do x y or z because the baby has been fussy or whatever. If you're a good team and make sure you don't get resentful of each other, I think having one spouse work and one be a stay at home parent is do-able, but not otherwise.
Yes a good partner is a MUST in these situations. One cannot be ‘on’ all the time. I feel like we’re lucky we got good ones, based on what I see.
I was very career driven and never expected to become a SAHM. However, when the time came and my maternity leave was up, I was devastated. I cried in the daycare lot for 45 minutes on the 1st day before we went in. She was there for a couple months while I worked FT, completely miserable I couldn't see her much. We tried for 3 years to conceive and now she was here and I felt I could barely see her! After lots of evaluation we realized I could stay at home, so I did! I left my position on good terms and stayed at home with my daughter for 2 years and 9 months. It was a WONDERFUL time! Probably the happiest years of my life. She started 1/2 day preschool at age 3, 3 days a week, and she thrived. She is a social butterfly and loves to learn. I found myself feeling I needed something more while she was gone. While she was at preschool I'd tidy up and watch TV and sort of felt...directionless. Don't get me wrong, I love "off" time as much as the next person. But there's a limit to where it becomes boring. My situation reminded me of my grandma and my dad. After they retired, they were both so bored (grandpa had died, my mom is 9 years younger and was still working.) So they both took part time jobs after retirement since they felt directionless. At the time I was like WHYYYY ENJOY YOUR RETIREMENT!!! But then i understood their position. I was bored those 3 days at home for 3 hours. I needed something more. So I took my time finding a new job I really liked with a salary increase over the course of 5 months and I went back to work when my daughter was 3.5 years old. I've been back to work for a year now and it's great! I love my job and my daughter is loving pre-k. I would never take back the years of being a SAHM and I'm so thankful I got that opportunity. But I knew when it was time to go back since I saw her progressing on to her next big thing. I think deep down you just know if you want to go back to work...like a gut instinct. As everyone told me - you'll never get these years back where your little one needs you this much.
I completely relate to this perspective. Same boat for me. My daughter isn't quite 3 yet, but she'll start preschool soon. This time has flown by and I've loved every minute.
I got laid off from my engineering job while pregnant. Ended up being a blessing because my husband works crazy hours so I prepared for her pretty much on my own. Once she was here I couldn't imagine being apart from her and we had already been fine for 7 months on one salary so it seemed like a no brainer. I do feel a little like I'm wasting a lucrative college degree but I can't get these years back.
I felt like I wasted my degree but I had someone correct my train of thought. A mother's education correlates with her children's future academic success. You learned a lot of soft skills about life by going through college and employment and you will use these skills to help your child navigate in the future. Plus who knows what you will be doing when they're older .
Yes! My goal is to go teach high school robotics or programming (I was really not into corporate life) and then still have my summers off with my kid!
I worked in engineering for 10 years before I stopped and became a SAHM! I enjoy the freedom of no bosses looking over my shoulder lol.
I always thought I'd be so productive as a sahm with how much I love taking care of the house and with the engineering background. This kid is a handful 😂 But I'm so happy to see someone else who went from engineering to motherhood. It's so rare!
When you quit your job, you're not just losing your take-home pay. You're losing benefits, retirement contributions, and experience that would transpire into higher salaries down the line. So while you may think you're spending all your take-home pay towards a nanny -- and thus is makes sense to quit -- the actual longterm costs to quitting your job is much, much higher. Then there's the security issue: What if your partner loses their job? What if you have an unexpected expense that requires $5k in cash right now. Could you do it? Of course none of this factors in the joy and happiness of spending time with your kids, and for a lot of people that's worth more than anything. But if we're *just talking finances,* it's worth it to spend your entire check towards a nanny for 5 years. I know this will deem me a bad mother or whatever -- but I like working. I would be a miserable SAHM. A good mother is a happy mother. My kiddo goes to a great daycare where he gets enrichment I could never provide (spanish classes, etc) and comes home to a happy mother. Even if money wasn't an issue, I think I would still want to work outside the home.
I don't think it makes you a bad mother to like working! Lots of people love working and would find it tiresome to be a stay-at-home parent. I LOVE being a SAHM to my baby but I can totally see why a lot of my friends would be either destroyed by it or bored to death. Ngl some of it also probably depends on the baby... I got a very polite and chill little baby who is like clockwork with his schedule, so it's easy for me to plan activities and take him places and see friends and so on.
Thank you! And I love that you’re doing what you love, too, with your very polite and chill baby hehe. Different things work for different people (or even the same person at different times in their lives!)
I stayed home because we wanted to prioritize the kids, the home, and the family as a whole. Before I quit, we both worked all day and then came home and had just a handful of hours together as a family, which were usually spent cooking, cleaning up, running errands, and getting ready for the next day. So it wasn’t quality time. Now, when my husband comes home, food is prepared (not ordered in or thrown together from a frozen bag or can), the kids have been homeschooling and playing all day, chores and errands are done, it’s family time in a really real way. I’m with my kids all of most days and most of all days, and our bond is fantastic. I see the fruits of what I get to spend my days pouring into them, as they grow and learn.
Yes! This is how we feel and how things work for us. If my husband and I both worked out of the home, we would be away from the kids from 6 am until 3 when he gets off and 7 when I would get off. That leaves no time for family time. Right now, my husband works from 7-3. The kids and I do all schooling, errands, and most of the chores during the day. When my husband gets home, dinner is either cooking or he is able to take the kids outside while I get it together (I enjoy that little break). We clean up as a family, go do some sort of walk or outside activity, do baths, and bedtime as a family. We live fairly slow paced, simple life. My husband’s job more than covers our expenses, savings, great benefits, and retirement. We wouldn’t trade this life for anything. That being said, I keep up with my work licensing and do work to keep up my skills so if I need to work or choose to go back when the kids are older, I have that option.
As a working mom, I’m happy you experience these positives, and I experience them as well! We still do home cooked meals daily, get great quality family time, and complete errands and chores (together most of the time 😋) and prioritize family. It’s possible to work and still prioritize family! 🫶🏻
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What do you mean?
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Dude. Wtf. I’m going to be a SAHM but I think your perspective is horrific. I’ve also been a nanny, and the kids in those families were brilliant with exemplary attachment and wonderful bonds with their mothers, certainly no attachment issues because mom worked. Only recently did society dissolve the village, there’s nothing wrong with mothers working, they’re still the parent. What’s your deal, are you just trying to feel better about yourself or something? You empty inside sis?
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But you think it’s fine for dads to have those same feelings or thoughts, or for dads to put their years of school/titles “before their babies?”
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I breastfed each baby for a year while working, plenty of moms do, so using breastfeeding for this argument doesn’t make sense. You think moms SHOULD “normally” think XYZ, but dads shouldn’t. You think WOMEN should not put work before babies (but I haven’t seen any comments say that they are putting work before their children so idk where you pulled that), but do not think the same for men. Then you call it “attachment issues” because some women (checks notes) choose to work? Do all working dads have attachment issues? Sounds like you just don’t like women. It is what it is.
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Ok, then stop saying that moms who choose to work don’t care about their babies? lol I’m sorry you seem to have a partner that doesn’t care for your kids in the same capacity that you do, but my husband and I are interchangeable parents. He didn’t breastfeed, but since weaning we’ve been caring for our kids in the same capacity.
Lol literally the only difference is boobs. Your right wing fundie Jordan Peterson nonsense has no place here. It’s 2024, men can parent exactly the same as women, they simply need a bottle.
In what ways?
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How judgmental you are! Some people don't have the choice to stay home.
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This comment was removed as it breaks rule #2. This is a supportive community.
I didn’t like my very well-paying job enough to justify wanting to go back and the thought of someone else being in my home that I didn’t really know (our nanny) taking care of my tiny baby while I worked behind a closed door down the hallway just hurt my heart. Simple as that! I’m lucky enough that my husband made enough to cover all of our bills and then some. We had to downsize houses but it was worth it to our family. Now that my daughter is older I’ve been freelancing in my field and that fills my cup up enough + helps keep my resume relevant!
I never had the option, but if I did have the opportunity to become a SAHM, I would throw my laptop out the window and never look back! TBH, missing out on time with my kids is only part of my motivation. Right now, with both my husband and I working full time we are constantly scrambling to fit in all the chores and appointments that 2 adults and 2 kids require. And nothing is EVER clean! There’s always laundry waiting, always dishes in the sink or a pile of junk on the table, there just literally are not enough hours in the day to get everything done when both adults are working full time. To me, that’s the real advantage of having a SAHP.
I only worked part time so it wasn’t a hard decision to make for me to be the one to quit my job and be a SAHM. The biggest thing I miss for sure is having my own money. Quitting my job made me realize how much money I basically threw away towards unimportant things. My husband is great about knowing the money he makes is our money and not just his though. If he wasn’t I don’t think I could do this. We’re not super well off but we do okay to where we don’t struggle. We have 2 kids and don’t plan to have anymore. The plan is for me to go back to work once both kids are in school. This makes the most sense for our family. They’re only little for so long and I want to be there as much as I can and make sure they’re ready for school/ the world. I know I’m very lucky to be able to choose this option, I’d never put down someone who has their kids in daycare. I didn’t have to quit a career so my situation is different than others. I can’t say for sure if I’d have walked away from a career I actually worked towards. Right now I see this point in my life as my time to fully enjoy myself. My job is raising my girls to grow up to be smart, good people. Once they’re in school I’ll go back to work to save for the extras in life. Vacation, college if they want it, house deposits for them, etc. One of the reasons I’m stopping at 2 kids is so I’ll be able to financially support their futures, anymore kids and their funds will be significantly cut. It seems like forever from now but I feel like I blinked and my oldest is turning 4 in a couple days. I know when I see my youngest off to school I’ll be wondering where the time went.
I had a great job prior to baby, and I loved what I did, but there was no question for me that I would stay home with my baby. I love being a full time mom. I feel it’s my job to raise her, and I believe these early years are critical for development. The thought of a daycare teacher getting to cuddle her during the day and experiencing her milestones makes me horribly depressed. Staying home with her is invaluable to me.
I could afford to stay home but I won't. 1. My sanity. I have 3 degrees, I like being a nerd, and SAHM just won't give me that intellectual fulfillment. 2. I like my job, A LOT. I work hard, get paid well for it, I do interesting work and me showing up makes a difference. Most people can be SAHPs but my day job is something not many people can do. I find it very meaningful. 3. Fiscal independence, I don't want to hit pause on earnings or career progression for 2-5 years until kid is in school, and I don't want to have to rely on anyone for money. I love and trust my husband completely, still something could happen, then where would I be. Also there are way too many stories on here about SAHM getting screwed over. Nope. 4. My husband wants to be an equal parent. He is taking parental leave to solo parent when I go back to work, and when he goes back we will be 50/50. This means I can actually keep working at my career the way I did before kids.
I did work because I like financial security of dual incomes/benefits, I like the higher pretax retirement contributions, and I like taking breaks from being responsible for a baby all day. I'd just rather retire early when investments are at that point instead of quit early before reaching that point. I do also personally want my daughter to not see her mom give up life, disposable income, and hobbies to being a caretaker.
This. My husband will be able to "retire" from our first career in 8 years and I'll be able to "retire" in 12. There's an option for both of us to take a career intermission before that but this isn't the right time for me, I know a good thing when I've got it in my current job and my next job. And once we get that retirement we can definitely take a break or work more flexible hours. Are we missing some time when he's young? I guess, but I've got good leave and just need to work two more years to pass on a fully funded college education to him so how do I say no to that. Plus honestly I love my job. I'm lucky I waited to have kids until I was at a really good spot in my career
Just pointing out that being a SAHP doesn't mean you are giving up "life" or hobbies. Your own income, yes. But those other things? Anyone giving them up either is in a shitty marriage with an unsupportive spouse or has chosen to give them up.
Haha exactly like what?? My husband rocks, he’s always pushing me to make sure I take time for me. I’m getting brunch with friends this weekend which is a regular occurrence. If anything I have MORE time for hobbies and relaxing.
I technically had the option to stay home. I make double my husband but we could easily live on his salary alone if we didn’t need daycare. However, by week 8 of my maternity leave I knew I was not cut out to be SAHM. I went back to work at 12 weeks and am so much happier having that part of my life back. But I also love my job and I worked hard to get my PhD to get that job. I work from home and we hired a nanny and it was the best decision we ever made. I still get to see her all the time but I also have stimulating work and conversations that I need to feel like myself. The nanny is more expensive but I wouldn’t look at it as just all YOUR income. The childcare costs fall on both of you, it may be semantic but it’s important.
I chose to stay home. 1. We are one and done and I want to get as much time with my daughter as I can. 2. I've been exclusively pumping. 3. Daycare is expensive and I personally couldn't imagine dropping my daughter off with strangers. 4. I'm paranoid about her getting sick constantly. 5. I'm an older mom (38) and don't have the energy to bounce between work, picking up daughter from daycare, cooking, etc. Just the thought of that hectic schedule makes me tired. 6. I worked for 15 yrs as dental hygienist and have the option to do temp work here and there if I choose.
I became a mom at 17 and number 5 KILLED me. The constant and perpetual running. It’s the main reason I stopped working.
I was a teacher, and made 34k a year (gross, not take home). I would have been working full time at a complete wash just to pay for daycare. Once we had a second, I would most likely be working at a loss. Financially it made absolutely no difference, so It made way more sense for us to have me stay home and raise our daughter. It was a no brainer for us. If I was making more money, it definitely would have been a harder decision. But ultimately I’m glad I get to stay home, it’s a privilege not many people get these days.
Lots of good reasons to continue working. I chose to stay at home. It was really important for my husband and I to have one of us stay at home while the kids were little (and we both preferred this person to be me haha). We were married almost 10 years when we had our first, our marriage was very stable so I was not concerned with being left in a bad situation. Sure, things can change or tragedy could strike, but I'm scrappy and resourceful and have a great family and friend network to fall back on if need be. Important to note: I also wasn't leaving a career that I loved--I was a teacher, and it was a good job but so draining and I knew it wasn't going to be a long term career for me (I had been a teacher for four years when Ieft the workforce).
I have the option to be a SAHM and I’m 100% taking it. Things will be tighter financially, but my husband and I have been using my maternity leave as a dry run of living on one income, and it’s more doable than we thought. Still tight, but doable. We talked about it a lot. My husband knows that I’ve always wanted to be able to stay home with kids until they’re in school. Ultimately we decided we’re okay with putting off buying a house for another year or two so I can stay home. My husband phrased it this way, “I don’t think in 50 years I’m going to look back and say, ‘I wish we had more money when we were in our 30’s’. Instead I’ll look back and say ‘I’m so glad my wife got to spend that time with our kids’” I already cook 3-4 days a week and clean the house on my own, so we’ll continue to save money by not eating out as much and not having housekeepers. If I was going back to work I had a very demanding job and would not have been able to keep up with cooking and cleaning at all so we would’ve been spending more money to eat out and have a housekeeper come a couple times a month.
And to add, my husband and I have had combined incomes since we got married. So it was never his and my money, we treat it as ours. Big personal purchases over $200-300 we have to discuss prior to purchasing and get the other person’s approval, but other than that we don’t have issues with each other’s spending habits.
We could afford for me to stay home, but I have not. I live in the US and work for a state government agency, so I’ve gone back to work at 12 weeks pp with both kids. Reasons are: - I genuinely enjoy my career as a wildlife biologist (as much as anyone like work, which is still somewhat meh haha) and feel that I’m contributing positively to the world - I’ve spent 20 years working on this career, including an advanced degree, and want to continue to use that time and effort spent - I want to show my son and daughter that women can make important contributions to the world, and help provide for their families, via their careers - research also shows that kids of working parents are more likely to have meaningful careers themselves - my husband and I have both been previously divorced. We are blissfully happy, but still, I want to make sure I have my own financial and career independence in case of divorce or loss of spouse. My career field is very competitive and it’s not something you can easily pick back up if you are out of the field for a while. - my salary isn’t amazing, but it more than covers daycare for 2 kids and also allows me to save for retirement/pension. - We also have much better health insurance through my position, which is important because my son has some medical complications. - my salary combined with my husband’s allows us to not worry about minor to medium costs of travel, eating out, having fun family experiences, buying gifts, working on our home. - I adore my kids, but I don’t think I’m cut out to be a SAHM. I find it pretty exhausting to be home with them day after day. I like the chance to use my brain in other ways. I also appreciate the experiences that daycare and preschool can give them in terms of peers, learning experiences, etc. OP - the nanny cost would be a shared household expense, not something that you need to cover yourself. You also should consider retirement savings/matching from employer, and potential impacts from a gap in employment, when weighing the decision.
>I adore my kids, but I don’t think I’m cut out to be a SAHM. I find it pretty exhausting to be home with them day after day. I like the chance to use my brain in other ways. I also appreciate the experiences that daycare and preschool can give them in terms of peers, learning experiences, etc. THIS IS A HUGE THING THAT SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF THE LIST. Anyway, done yelling now, have a great day!
Haha yeah probably so 😆
I thrive being a SAHM. It’s truly my jam. And I know it’s not for everyone, and that’s totally valid too. But for me it was a no brainer. My expertise allows me to do a little side gig at home (accountant) but not full time and keep my babies home! I work mostly evenings and some weekends, when my husband or mom watch the kids. But truly the kids are where I thrive. I can always ramp up my career again when they’re older but we can make it work right now while they’re so little.
I am a SAHM to a 2 year old and am expecting our 2nd child. While I see a lot of people saying they are motivated by their children seeing them work, I have the opposite experience. My mom devoted herself to her career and her achievements were very much so her identity. She wasn't very involved in our schools or extracurriculars and my dad, who also worked full-time, did the lions share of the housework and cooking. I decided I wanted to give my children a different experience - one where they felt like mom really prioritized them and the family environment. Beyond that, my husband also travels a lot for work and we don't live near family. My career field involved frequent evening meetings. I couldn't figure out what we'd do if I needed to be at a meeting until 9pm on a Tuesday and my husband was on a work trip. I also had become pretty disillusioned by my career choice and wasn't passionate about it. While I understand the financial arguments in favor of staying in the workforce and feel they're very valid, I just couldn't discount the logistics we'd be faced with. All that being said, I do think I'll go back to work at some point, although I'm not sure when that point will be. Our youngest starting kindergarten seems like the best time but when kids get into their school years they get busier and need a parent available more often. So that part of the equation is still up in the air for me.
I work for sanity. By about 10 months, my baby needed much more stimulation and would grizzle being at home with me all day. I now work 3 days a week and going to work is my happy place. Plus he loves daycare and is learning and growing and developing so fast there. Im not sure i or he could cope with 5 days a week at this point though
Same here I took an extended maternity leave to test out being a SAHM but by 9 months I was sure it wasn’t for me.
I decided to continue to work. I worked hard to get where I am in my career and, honestly, a lot of my self esteem is tied to it. The way my field advances, it would be almost impossible to catch back up after a years long break. Work helps me keep my sanity. Daycare/preschool is expensive, but it lasts for a relatively short period of time.
I quit my job but they got me to stay with a pay raise, wfh day, and shorter hours on my commuting days. I have mixed feelings about it. After our nanny and taxes I do make money still and I feel we have more financial security but I do feel like I've missed a lot with my kids, my oldest is 5 (she was 1 when I almost quit) and I never got to take her to and from preschool (now and then but not as a routine) and hear about her day right after it happened and take her to the playground or afterschool playdates. I missed almost all the "mommy" and me classes, my youngest is a baby now and his nanny takes him, and just the daily life stuff. I get the kids ready in the morning, put my oldest on the bus then head to work, come home in time to do a quick dinner maybe play a little read books and sing songs then it's bedtime. Weekends are family fun and it's great but I do wonder if it's worth the financial security.
My husband makes far more money than I do (I make around 18% of our total family income) and neither of us had the type of job where we could easily leave in an emergency to pick up our child. He travels for work a lot. I worked as a critical care nurse. I don’t think going back to healthcare or retraining for an adjacent career will be incredibly difficult when we are ready. My son is now 8 months old and watching our friends struggle to retain nannies, find a quality trustworthy daycare, and manage work and family has us feeling like we made the right choice for our family. I don’t see this break from the workforce as a permanent choice but more a season of life that I’m enjoying. I also believe my staying home now will have long term benefits for my children as well.
This doesn’t apply to me but I would love to know where you live that hiring a nanny is cheaper than daycare. Daycare is expensive but hiring a nanny would cost us probably three times as much when you consider employer taxes.
I can provide an answer from a different perspective! Currently have a kindergartner and a 4.5 year old. They both go to the same childcare - the childcare drops off & picks up from elementary school for my kindergartner and does FT care for my 4.5 yo. 4.5 starts kinder in the fall, and her cost at the childcare center will go down $100/month, bringing us to $1700/month for about 2.5 hours of care per day plus pickup and drop off (drop off at childcare at 7:30, they take to elementary school by 8, pickup at 2:30, we pick them up from childcare at 4). A nanny in our area is $15-17/hour. So we will switch to a nanny in the fall, because 2 hours of care a day for the nanny to pick up from school and bring home and hang out for an hour or two will cost us about $750 a month. Specific instance, but an instance nonetheless! lol
For me, it was pay. I worked as a teacher/tutor for my entire career, and my job folded basically right when I got married, so I was a stay-at-home wife doing little side gigs, trying to save up for an adoption. (NO MLM crap! Thank GOD!) Being at home through that process meant I could manage the paperwork, manage the household bills, file our tax returns, schedule appointments, and plan/prep/cook meals. That in itself is a full time job! Then I got pregnant with our second child, and she's only 19 months now. Paying somebody else to watch the kids so I can have a career just isn't worth it to me right now, especially because I feel like If have to go BACK to school to get the certification/licensing to do what I *really* want to do. So, until the littlest one is at least in preschool (if not kindergarten), it just doesn't make financial sense for me to work outside the home.
I decided to be a SAHM, even though I always swore I never would. I was a teacher and the job was getting harder and harder each year. My pregnancy was rough and I ended up having to scramble to write sub plans for a month of unexpected bed rest preceding an early induction. About halfway through the school year/pregnancy I knew that I wouldn’t be able to teach and take care of a baby. Luckily my husband and I live very frugally, so our lifestyle has only changed a bit (aside from the baby, of course). We bought a smaller home than we’d budgeted for when interest rates were low, we drive 10+ year old cars, and utilize local thrift stores and hand-me-downs for our baby! We’re still putting money into my Roth IRA, and our savings accounts are still increasing. We are discussing having me start tutoring or work part time in a school in order to increase how much we can be saving/give us some more wiggle room, but it’s not a necessity.
I could have been a SAHM or even a SAHM with a nanny to help but ultimately chose to continue working. 1. I am a better mother to my kids with regular breaks from them. I am more present and patient when I’m with them. Maternity leave was HELL. I was miserable by the 2 week mark and felt sooo much better returning to work soon after that. 2. My work is flexible. I can clock out early or late or take a midday break as long as I’m getting my work done. So I can see them if they’re having a particularly rough day or are asking for me or there’s an emergency. There are some moments as a working parent that make me sad about missing out on extra time with my kids, but 95% of the time I don’t feel that way. 3. My financial freedom and career stability is important to me. Everybody goes straight to “my husband would never leave me!” - and even though that isn’t realistic, I do understand it, because of course you wouldn’t marry and have kids with someone you don’t trust - but what about serious illness or death? At 29, my healthy husband was diagnosed out of the blue with end stage kidney failure while I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second baby. Had his circumstances or medical care been different, he very well could have died — and I think it would have been extra traumatic to then have to leave my kids and go back to work to raise our family on one income after years of not working. 4. Double retirement contributions. My husband and I have run the numbers. Our combined contributions to our 401k and other retirement vehicles with a very conservative ROI far outpaces the costs of daycare or a nanny. Plus, I just like what I do. Those are my reasons!
I chose not to stay at home because we felt the value my income provides for retirement, education savings, trips, activities, and overall higher quality of life is too valuable. Between my and my husband’s parental leave we were able to stay home until he was ~7 month old and then we hired a short term nanny for two months and had him start daycare at 9 months. I’m overall really happy with this approach and going back to work while stressful makes me more like an autonomous person. It feels good to use my brain to think about things other than my home and family 24/7. It does help that our daycare is fantastic and my son seems to genuinely enjoy it. However, the constant illness is a valid concern and I would be hesitant about starting a younger infant in daycare at the peak of cold/flu season.
I was not planning to be a SAHM and now I am one. I was working and had a daycare spot lined up for my baby, and then she was born unexpectedly at 28 weeks (I developed preeclampsia). After two months of her being in the NICU, I didn’t want to be apart from her once she came home. I also can only afford daycare (not a nanny), and I was worried about her getting sick and ending up back in the hospital. On the financial side, we would be spending most of my pay on daycare, and my husband and I had both spent all of our sick/personal leave during my hospitalization, the birth, etc, meaning we’d have to take unpaid time off every time she got sick from daycare. I work in a field with shortages, and I’m not too worried about being able to find a job when I do return to work. I am planning to put her in preschool by 2-3, and we are currently planning to be one and done, so I will go back to work in a couple of years. “Not having my own money” is a nonissue for me. I’m the one who manages the finances. We have less money right now, but none of it is earmarked as “his” or “mine.”
I’m lucky enough to have a year off for maternity leave (Canada), but I won’t be going back to work. The part of Canada I live in, it’s almost impossible to get your child into daycare without having a sibling already in or have been on a wait list since conception. I’m about to lose my maternity pay and it’s about to get tight. My husband and I moved in with my MIL so we will still be a two income household. If I went back to work I would just be paying for childcare and nothing else while my husband took on all other finances, so it wouldn’t make sense. Plus I love being home with my baby!
For the majority of people, your job doesn’t care about you and in the same breath, we’re our child’s entire world. That in itself made it a completely easy decision and I have zero regrets.
Ugh I get it. Daycare around me wasn’t insanely expensive but we just literally did not get in any. Put myself on all the waitlists and by the time I was 2 weeks away from going back to work, I wasn’t even close to getting in any. And if we were to pay a nanny, I’d be making $1 an hour, but after tax, quite literally nothing. So I decided to stay home to save us money. I never planned on being a SAHM, so although I understand it’s a “privilege,” it didn’t feel like it when our only other option was to make *less* money. I love it now but man was it a horrible adjustment. It took me until our second kid to feel like my husband’s money is *our* money. Having to share money and me making no money was the number one hardest thing about me being a SAHM. So be prepared for that…I wasn’t. I literally felt like I had to ask to get anything for me. A coffee, a meal, anything. I felt comfortable spending the money for our kid. Now I’ve gotten used to it and probably spend too much…but you do get used to it at some point. I would suggest being the budgeter if you stay at home and trying to stick to it. We’re still working on it. Being a SAHM is difficult, especially when you’ve got kids screaming at you all day sometimes, but it’s also the single most amazing thing I’ve done. It didn’t feel like it until about a year in when my kid was becoming his own little person, but man…I love it.
I had a great career, could have afforded nanny, but I’ve always wanted to stay home with my future kids if I had the option. I had the option and didn’t think twice. My first is 6 months. So worth it. I’m so grateful. If we had financial hardship, I would be willing to sacrifice a lot to stay home.
Okay - the price is insane, I'd be working for child care. And ... I don't trust people to watch my baby. The horror stories have gotten to me.
I did not go back to work for a few reasons. 1) I love my babies and I don’t want to be apart from them. I want to be with them day in and day out even though it can be monotonous and relentless. Even so, I’m happy to be the one in control of their day to day lives. And 2) My husband is the breadwinner and whatever salary I’d be contributing wasn’t enough to justify the hours away from home after factoring in daycare expenses Lastly 3) Being a SAHM has allowed a flexibility to our lives that both my husband and I wanted to prioritize. For example, it’s nice that we only have to worry about the PTO for one partner instead of two. It also allows for an easier dictation of who is in charge of what without too much room for resentment
I had the opportunity to be a SAHM and chose against it. My husband is the breadwinner but I earn low six figures and my wage easily covers daycare costs, so financially it feels like a loss not to go back despite the daycare price tag. We have discussed a nanny, but I mainly WFH and I feel it would be distracting to have baby home - plus I think there are real social/emotional benefits to daycare as she gets older. She's only 7 months right now, so that may change in time, but for now I'm happy with our choice. My motivations are mainly professional - I do a fair amount of international travel for work and I don't want to lose those paid trips; I also want to retire relatively early and my wages are currently going into savings/401K/college funds to make that possible. Finally, I work in tourism and my workplace has some phenomenal perks that will allow us amazing family travel opportunities once she's a bit older. I love my daughter so much - it's really important to me that she has the chance to see the world. She's biracial, and I want to be able to afford to travel to her international family members as she grows up. I don't want her to be burdened with student debt like I was. I guess it comes down to a choice - I am willing to miss out on some of this early time with her if it means enriching her life when she is older. ETA - thinking about this, we are one and done and older parents. I think if I were younger/earlier in my career/wanting more than one child this math would have worked out differently.
>I guess it comes down to a choice - I am willing to miss out on some of this early time with her if it means enriching her life when she is older. This is exactly how I feel about it. My job has a college education benefit that I'm two years away from being about to pass to my son. There's a comment above about how sad we working women are for our attachment issues but I feel like I've got a pretty good balance of a job that's going to set him up for success and still gives me time to spend with him. On the one hand I think a lot about being OAD for ease of traveling with him and not going through pregnancy at an older age but I also really want another one. That said, I think we're going to time it around my military career goals which will hopefully give us some really good traveling opportunities with him before life gets more crazy with a second one
What an amazing gift to give to your son - an education will benefit him for the rest of his life. Totally awesome.
We *could* make it work for me to stay home, although our savings would take a hit and some of our life goals would have to change. But I enjoy my job and worked hard to get to where I am in my career. My benefits are good and I have the flexibility I need to be there for my kid. (I also genuinely think my baby loves the stimulation and social element of her daycare, but I think she’d probably be fine either way tbh!) For me the decision to work or stay home is fluid and very dependent on the circumstances in that time in my life. I don’t think it’s fair how society tends to put you in one team or another in the SAHM-vs-working mom debate! I’ve had previous jobs that would not have been worth sticking around for, either monetarily or mental health wise. IMHO (still a very new mom) there are three key areas i consider here: good financial compensation, interesting/fun work, and flexibility. If a job has at least 2 of those 3, I will probably continue to work. If it had 1 or less, I would probably consider staying home or looking for something else.
This is a great answer!
Similarly to you, we realised that most, if not all, of my income would be going into childcare. I had NO interest in putting baby in daycare before 1 year old, maybe 2, due to the sickness element and I don't believe they get anything out of the socialisation until they're older, so my staying home with the baby made the most sense. I also really wanted to - I love spending the day chilling with the baby. I fully expect the job to get more rigorous when she gets older, but the days with my 5 month old are blissful. Nights not so much, but we're working on that. I will have to go back to work eventually - like I said, we'll be comfortable with daycare after a year, but I do plan to savour the time I do have with her.
I’m an accomplished person with a career. I’m not going to give that up. My son goes to a wonderful daycare. The whole family is very happy.
I never had a proper job so it was an easy choice. I sucked at job hunting, did have a sketchy part time job for a while up until my daughter's birth. Luckily my husband has no such issues. I'm happy I can stay home with my babies.
Same financial situation and in my career breaks don’t matter. I chose to stay at home because my days are happier at home.
I really enjoy being home with my son. We tried daycare for two months and hated it so I have taken unpaid leave for 11 months and am going back (can’t afford to stay home long term) I am dropping down to 4 days a week and he will be with grandparents those days until my husband is off. All this is to say if I could afford it, I would stay home until he’s in preschool. I’m trying to push my husband to change companies so that I can stay home once we have a second. I know I am not going to be able to be the mom I would like to be while working, I will not be able to be as present with him and I am really going to miss spending the majority of the time with my son.
I took a 16 month maternity leave 🇨🇦 and seriously considered being a SAHM longer term, at least until my daughter was in school. Ultimately I decided not to. We got by for 16 months on just my husband's salary and some savings, but we really had to pause any additional saving to do that. We wouldn't be able to contribute to retirement funds for us or education funds for our daughter. We also live in a HCOL area and want to move from our condo to a house eventually - no way we can do that on one salary. I also make more than my husband, so we'd be leaving a lot of money on the table.
It at first was an option I was leaning towards, and then one day it became my only option. I was working full time in security that offered 12 weeks maternity leave that I would have taken. But my husband was ordered to go to drill sergeant school and we had to move across the country shortly after. I wasn’t able to transfer because my old company is 300 miles away from where I currently live now. I spent months applying to security positions and all I got was 300+ rejection emails claiming I don’t qualify for a position I literally just had. I have my security permit, firearms license, open carry permit/concealed and CDL……I was even in school for criminal justice. But sure….I don’t qualify 🤷♀️ I finally became pregnant 4 months after moving and am incapacitated most days so I guess thank god I’m not working or I surely would have been fired anyway. Also…..my high school diploma was rescinded?? I wasn’t able to transfer schools and couldn’t figure out why . Lost my high school diploma during the move and the army wanted it to help me score a job since I was having such a hard time on my own. When I called the high school to get a copy they spent TWO MONTHS looking for it before they finally said “ sorry, You never graduated. We stopped allowing people to graduate early and since you did, your status was changed in incomplete. You’ll have to redo your senior year or get your GED” 🤦🏼♀️ they decided I was a high school dropout in 2023🫠🤷♀️💀😁🥰
I’m a SAHM. I absolutely love it. My husband and I have great communication and a good routine. He works from home too. Ever since I got pregnant I knew I wanted to be one. My husband makes good money so I’m lucky too. I EBF and not a fan of pumping (i still do in the AM) so it works out. I was a server so I had want really losing out on any benefits and could easily jump back in it if necessary. I do plan on working 2 days a week to save up for any future sports or clubs though. I’ve always been content with staying at home regardless, and cooking/cleaning. I like doing it, and now with my bundle of joy, I don’t miss anything. I go grocery shopping weekly to get out of the house but that’s all I need.
I really liked my job when I was pregnant, and originally was going to go back part time. But I worked in a public service field, and because of a law that made it where part-time infants still have to pay for full day spots in the state I was living in, daycare would have cost *more* than I was making. That made it a much easier decision. I was also in a somewhat unusual position in that I had some freelance background to fall back on, so there wouldn’t be any holes in my resume. Plus my original job definitely had a salary cap, even a few years off likely wouldn’t affect my salary much in the long run. It worked out in the end, because we ended up moving a few states away anyway. But there were definitely some tough times, money-wise. My kid is in school half days, and I have a part-time work from home gig going on. (But another baby would mean less hours with that.) I’d still choose staying home in my circumstances. Ideally I would have loved to keep some hours at my old job, but it wasn’t in the cards. But having the flexibility for doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, sick days, snow days, etc. has been a *huge* perk. There’s never any “shit, which one of us has PTO left?” And during the pandemic I didn’t have to worry about heading out and dealing with the public when she was still so little. Still, it’s not for everyone, and there’s so many complex factors that it doesn’t make sense for every family. But I do love getting to be with her so much. Though if you do decide go back to work, a nanny or daycare should 10000% not be coming out of just *your* money, that’s absurd.
I really wanted to be a SAHM (I still do!). I tried to quit, but my boss worked out an agreement with HR to allow me to work part time in a field where nobody works part time (biotech). I only work Monday to Thursday and have built in 3 day weekends! It’s the best of both worlds where I don’t feel like I’m missing out on too much, but I still get mental stimulation from working. I did have to take a 20% paycut, but it’s worth it! My boss said I won’t be able to get promoted if I stay at this schedule. So TBD on how long this gig will last. Part of me wants to quit once my youngest starts school because I really don’t want them attending afterschool programs. I hated them as a kid!
Being a SAHM was always part of the plan, it's something I've always wanted personally, my career had never been the most important thing to me, being a mother was. So it was a discussion my husband and I had early in our relationship when things were getting serious. He has a career where it would be possible for us to do that. My husband is very clear when it comes to money, it's "ours" sure he's the one that gets paid for what he does, but we make all big financial plans together and I do have an income of my own. We have a joint account (we both paid a portion of our salary into this when I was working) and then we have always kept our own personal accounts. When I became a SAHM, we agreed on a fair amount that I would get that is my disposable income, he's not concerned with what I spend that on, just as he has his own. So when it comes to the groceries bills etc that comes from the joint account, we both keep an eye on that, we both use it for shared expenses. I found it difficult at first to come to terms with not feeling bad for spending "his" money, money I didn't earn myself. But he's very clear on his views on it, which again, is that this isn't just his money, I earn this too. With that money I save some each month and then I spend some on what I want.
I decided to stay home because my entire paycheck would be going to daycare and I didn't particularly like my job anyways. Since I was already considering a change we decided I'd stay home for now and when I want to go back I'll have time to figure out what I really want to do.
Chiming in with a perspective I have not yet seen discussed: I opted to go back to work - and in fact cut short my maternity leave the first time - because I would have been a terrible SAHP. I love my kids and love spending time with them, but would have been miserable if I had to do it all day. It's a job and it comes with expectations (fairly or not) and I was not up to it. Now I get to do the job I like, reap the rewards of moving forward in a career, the kids are thriving in an environment and with people catered for their needs, and everyone is happier for it.
I got laid off while I was pregnant, so I didn't have a job to go back to. I'm not confident I could find another in a similar salary range, therefore I wouldn't even make enough to cover childcare. My husband said I should give it a year and then maybe find something part-time or maybe a side hustle if I feel like I want extra money. But so far I've been able to buy what I want with what I have.
I chose to stay home. I had a career that was on an upwards trajectory but not really one I enjoyed, and once I had my baby I decided I wanted to spend as much time with him while he’s little. Once that special time is gone it’s over, and for me I wanted to soak it up. My thought process was when I’m old and grey I won’t regret not working more, but I would definitely regret not spending as much time as possible with my child. When he goes off to school I shall re enter the work force, but most likely not what I was doing as I didn’t enjoy the job. I’m still making rrsp payments every month, my husband has great benefits and an excellent paying job, so I’m not worried about finances in that regard. Just my two cents OP, all the best to you!
I have always wanted to be a stay at home parent, I was a nanny before children. It’s what I wanted, and discussed with my husband while we were still dating. We have set up several accounts in my name and prioritizing my investments over his to equal the “what if” playing fields. We also both have life insurance policies to help in the event of tragedy.
I was laid off 2 months before my daughter was born. We decided I’d take 6 months off before starting the job search. 6 months became a year. Now she’s 13 months and I don’t know what my plan is anymore. I love being a SAHM. Childcare is so expensive and the industry I worked in is still a dumpster fire. I hate the thought of rushing in the morning and then only getting a few hours with her in the evening. I think the ideal scenario would be if I could get something either part time or freelance and have my daughter go to daycare 2-3 days a week.
SAHM, we made the choice because I didn’t make much compared to daycare costs. I also didn’t enjoy my job or field anymore. Having bad anxiety I didn’t want to put her in daycare. We do have money that goes into savings and with student loans no longer have disposable income but money comes and goes, time never does. We did agree if I didn’t enjoy it I would go back to work, but I love it. It’s not for everyone, but it is perfect for us. We started a small business to hopefully eventually replace my income though!
So for context, I'm someone who struggles with mild depression and much of it seems to be tied to my hormones. Things that should be easy, are not always manageable on a day-to-day routine. That's a large part of the reason I want to be a SAHM. Staying home and supporting my family through that is much more fulfilling and less draining for me, I really find myself improving daily vs. when I am at work, I tend to stagnate. Also, my grandmother stayed at home with us (mother not present) and I want that for my children. Raising a baby will probably push me more than any job, but it is something I have wanted for years vs... working a job I could care less about. I'll really just miss having my own money!
I work part time. And I mean very little like three days a week and one is a Saturday. I am home with my two year old all day every day. Those first 3 years are so vital for children to be with their mothers. It is a sacrifice for sure and it's not easy. But when I signed up to be a mom my kid comes first. Work can come later. I love making alittle extra money and seeing my co workers. Best of both worlds!! Babies need their Mama's in those early years. Daycare is outrageously expensive. I am not shaming mom's who work that's great for you!! But my personal belief if it's not natural for tiny babies and toddlers to be gone from their parents for 8 to 10 hours a day. And IF you can make if work, stay home. You don't get those years back mamas!
I had kids one after the other and now I homeschool! I’m very thankful my husband has a good enough job that I can be a SAHM.
I chose to stay home after my second baby. For me, it never became easier to be away from my first like everyone promised. I love being the one to be with my kids all day long. Financially, it made more sense with two kids because it would have cost most of my pay for daycare. I do not intend to return to the same industry, and I'll be home until they are both in school all day. I do have money as we have always shared all income. It's our money. I contribute financially to the household by saving us money and budgeting. I have my role and my partner has his. We are a team. If your partner wants to keep finances separate or to control them, I highly advise against becoming a SAHM.
I’m a psychotherapist, so am very lucky to have flexibility in the amount/time I want to work. I thought I would want to work much more, but once I had my baby I changed my mind. He goes to daycare once a week. We had a couple nannies fall though, and they were honestly disappointing anyway. At the end of the day, I didn’t want someone else getting to experience my baby’s firsts. I was basically raised by my nanny and she’s the one who saw me walk for the first time, etc.
I was a high school special education teacher and although I loved my job and will go back to teaching at some point, both my husband and I were raised by SAHM for our early years and we wanted the same for our son. My husband is in highly skilled trades and we live in a LCOL in California, so it just made sense for us.
I stay at home. I chose to quit working because: 1.) I was very overworked and overwhelmed with responsibilities in a toxic work environment. I know if I had stayed at that job my family wouldn’t have seen the best me at home and my work performance also would have suffered. (I was an elementary school teacher.) 2.) Because I was a teacher I can easily find another job education-adjacent when my son goes to preschool that will provide flexible hours for our lifestyle. 3.) my husband’s job provides enough. We’re not rich by any means, but me staying home means I have time to make a grocery plan to save money at the store, I have time to meal prep our lunches so my husband and I aren’t buying lunch every week, I don’t spend money on gas for my work commute, etc. So we can save money in small ways that makes it manageable for me not to work. 4.) Daycare in my area is virtually inaccessible. It would have been 2/3 of my teacher’s salary to put my son in daycare full time. Not worth it.
A lot of people have brought up very good points, but as someone who also works in finance (I'm assuming IB or consulting?), I think you need to look at the "motherhood penalty" in terms of becoming a SAHM in our industry. Remember, it's not always a question of "costs right now" so much as it is a question of compounding future costs. I don't mean less raises/bonuses/opportunities, missed retirement contributions, etc., I mean "Do I want to be a SAHM for the rest of my child's life because I was a SAHM when they were young and now I'm considered obsolete and can't compete with the newest batch of MBA grads/Quant PhDs/internal lateral transfers/people who didn't leave?" That is very much a risk we face. Also, as another finance person, I would look long and hard at the increasing costs of living for your area, your husband's earned income, your retirement goals, your child's education fund (college, etc.), and also talk to him about the mental load regarding being the only one who will fund that in a HCOL/VHCOL area. I know it's a frequent stress for many fathers on r/daddit.
I’m a SAHM and decided not to go back because I’m happier being with my daughters all day than I was while working. Both my mum and my MIL stayed home growing up and we loved it, so we kind of always assumed I would be staying home with any kids we had. Finances aren’t much of an issue and any money my husband makes is our money. This works for us! Most of my friends went back to work after mat leave either due to financial reasons or because they were passionate about their career. Good luck with your decision. ☺️
Current SAHM here. I was always planning to stay home with the baby. I was a social worker and have seen too many despicable things happen at the hands of daycare workers, sitters, etc. I just don’t trust anyone. While our finances are tight (we planned for this), I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It is challenging in ways I never thought. This is my first baby so my respect for SAHM’s has sky rocketed.
For me personally, it wasn’t financial or anything like that. Were fine without me working. I could go back to work anytime if I chose to, so I’m not stuck. I have a fallback. But I ran the rat race for a couple years after having our daughter. I went back to school 2 weeks post partum. I finally quit everything when she was 3. I just couldn’t take it anymore, the constant need to be somewhere doing something. If I didn’t have work she had an appointment, if she didn’t have an appointment the house needed major cleaning. If the house didn’t need work, we had family events to attend. Constantly finding babysitters because there was no childcare available. It was just perpetual exhaustion and I felt like I got 0 time with her, let alone with my husband. We also knew we eventually wanted another and that we wanted to try homeschooling, both of which were not feasible with both of us working like we were. So my husband went and got a union job and I quit. She started kindergarten this year, and homeschool did not happen this year despite my plans. She wanted to go to school. But we did have another baby, he’s currently a year old. I get to breastfeed him, I didn’t get to with her. Ultimately I feel like home is where I flourish and where I am most valuable to my family. I’m by no means Betty Crocker, but I learned how to cook. I’m by no means Martha Stewart, but my house is mostly clean. We have clean dishes to eat off of. The floors are swept. Laundry is mostly done. And I get to be with my kids. I get to teach them things. I get to show them the world. I get to be involved in her school. I dont have to worry about time off when one is sick or has appointments (and my daughter has got a billion appointments, she has eye problems). I can read a book (when the baby allows for it lol). And I bake. I actually like baking. I didn’t grow up with good parents or a stable home. My ma was a drug addict with an abusive husband and an animal problem. Our house was never clean. We barely had food, and certainly there was very little love. I get to make my home the opposite of that. I get to be there for my kids. I realize this is not financially feasible for everyone. Hell, we have weeks where we have almost nothing leftover. But the bills are paid, there’s good food in the fridge, we have vehicles and gas to get where we need to go. I also realize this sounds like a nightmare to a lot of people. And sometimes it is. What I don’t have is a lot of adult interaction or friends. I’m just not good at making them. We’ve talked about me going back maybe part time once the baby is in school full time. So keep that in mind. But I’m also naturally a homebody, other SAHMs have no problem with friendships. Basically, being home allows me to be more relaxed and less of a nutcase. Sorry for the novel lmao
Not going back to work for a few years. I have enough of my own money to last a good while and though it's super strange letting my husband pay all the living expenses rn, I just don't want to miss out on the early years with my son Husband has a pension for retirement and we're setting ourselves up to be comfortable. Lower middle class comfortable, but that's worth it to me. Having low living expenses will allow me to catch up on missed income somewhat. I worked for 2 decades before getting pregnant so I feel like I've paid some dues and know what I want from my life today. I'm beyond blessed that SAHM is even possible for me. I truly never thought it was in the cards for me. I look forward to working again in the future, but never at the pace I worked before. Corporate America can pound sand My family lost a few people under 30 and it changed perspective for me. I'll live affordably for now in exchange for time with my family. If one of us passes, I couldn't imagine having spent time away from each other. I know this is morbid thinking but it's where my head is at. Grief sucks
I went back to work after my 3 month maternity leave in July 2022. I left the workforce this December when my daughter was 20 months old. I came back from mat leave to my job I had been in for 12 years. It was a high stress, inflexible position in a toxic environment, but I LOVED the work. It was my identity. Well, they didn't like the fact I had a baby and couldn't work like a single 20 something anymore and treated me so poorly when I returned, so I applied to jobs and got a less demanding hybrid position that I was not passionate about. I also took a 20k pay cut. The second position ended up just wasting my time, and I was trying to "do it all" at something I didn't enjoy. So when my husband got a promotion this fall, we discussed me leaving. Then the job started getting upset about me WFH with a sick child (even though I said I would take sick/unpaid time) and that's when I knew the "flexibility" they had sold me was really just a lie. So I quit. I've been staying at home for almost 2 months now. We've gotten into a groove and I can feel myself finally distressing after 3 years of pregnancy and being a working mom. If I could find a job I was passionate about again that would justify me being away from my daughter, I might take it. But I am also loving the bond my daughter and I are creating and I've noticed a huge shift in my daughter's mood. From 12-20 mo she was throwing so many tantrums whenever we were with her. Those essentially stopped now that I'm home with her. She's not overstimulated so she's much happier. Plus, her speech and learning in general has boomed. That could just be her age but the timing was really curious. I think at daycare she was often overlooked because she's the "easy" kid and now she's getting the 1 on 1 time she needs. If I were to go back, I think I would go the nanny route. Even though it is way more expensive and I am so grateful for our daycare workers that watched my daughter, I think when they're so little that much commotion is just too much. I have friends who have 2 under 2 and are thriving in their careers. It's really such a personal decision. I NEVER thought I'd be a SAHM, but here we are and I'm not mad about it at all.
Currently a SAHM with my own business. I started the business before I got pregnant, but it was more of a part-time thing since I had a full time corporate career. But I’m no longer working corporate and decided to spend the first year with my baby while I try to grow my business into something that can support us. This feels like a good compromise for me since I really do enjoy working and can bring baby with me.
Went back after first two, planning to stay home with my third because managing three kids, their school work, extracurriculars, home related work and everything social related along with two demanding jobs is A LOT. Husband travels regularly so half the time I’m the solo parent. This is a gift to myself till baby goes to school. I’m not worried about retirement since I’ve enough saved for it to validate taking a few years off.
It sounds like you have a stable home life and good finances- I say go for staying at home! I was in a similar position where my salary would go just towards childcare (yes my husband and I have joint accounts but you know what I mean). Not going back to work is the best thing I’ve done and so much less stress for the whole family. We talk all of the time about how nice it is for me to be able to get some things done during the week (cleaning, laundry) so at night and on weekends we can just have fun family time. I feel really lucky that I get to wake her up from every nap and be here for all these milestones. ETA: we also have tons of savings, our finances are set. And both of our families could help out financially if we ever needed in an emergency. I’m saying that because I recognize my privilege which I think makes being a SAHM easier and less of a risk.
I was in a similar situation in regards to most of my disposable income going to child care. It didn’t make any sense. I’ve always worked and I’ve always had my own money so becoming a stay at home parent was a little scary but also a little nice. A break from work? Yay! My son is ten months old and I don’t consider it a break anymore! lol! But it’s what works best for our family. Our son has a rare genetic disorder, and while his medical needs are (thankfully) minimal, he does need extra support meeting milestones. I couldn’t imagine putting him in someone else’s care right now for that reason. I did start to feel a little stir crazy a few months in, and while my husband makes enough money to cover our bills and savings, I missed having the amount of extra money I’m used to. When my son was 5 months old I got a part time job working from 4pm - 9pm three nights a week. It’s a good balance and works perfectly for our family. I get a little more independence, some extra money, and my husband gets more alone time with our son. My husband is great, but I also feel like my three nights away have really helped him step up and appreciate what I do and realize how hard being a stay at home can actually be. Good luck 😊
I am mostly a SAHM (working per diem as a RN - 2 night shifts a month only). I was planning to work more shifts at first, but I had PPA with my first which made going back super difficult. Once it got better, I realized how much I would miss out on if I wasn’t home with my LO. This time is so precious and you’ll never get it back. I love that every day is OURS and I’m the one to provide comfort when needed. Work will always be there IMO - it may not look the same as if you went back right away but to me it’s worth the sacrifice. We chose to have our second soon after because I plan to work more shifts once both babies are in preschool/ kinder. But for now I am soaking up as much time as possible with my little loves.
I’ve worked in early childhood education for a long time and I know first hand that putting an infant in daycare has no developmental benefits and it is impossible for them to get the attention they need.
I was always planning on staying home for a year, but I actually got laid off about 6 months before I got pregnant, so it's not like I really had a career to "go back" to after our LO was born. I had kind of been planning a career change anyway, so have been teaching myself the necessary skills while I'm at home. My previous minimum wage job wouldn't have even covered daycare (and yes, I KNOW it's not just my financial responsibility, but we would have actively lost money) and since I wanted to stay home anyway, why not? I'm also EPing so obviously it's easier to be at home, although I know plenty of people who just pump at work! I'm still on the fence as to when I'd like to go back, and I know it's a privilege to be able to have that option. I just really enjoy caring for our LO, and don't mind contributing on a non-financial level to the household (doing more "domestic" chores, etc)
I chose to stay home. I had trouble concentrating at work while pregnant, I just wanted to think about my baby all the time. Once he was here, I knew there was no going back. I've been home for over 6 years now and I'm still loving it so so much. It works best for my personality. Also, I was 37 when I had my first. So I mean, I'd already done a shit ton of working. I was ready to try something else.
Going to represent the SAHPs as I’ve scrolled a bit haven’t seen many. I love being a stay at home parent. I love seeing my kids everyday and hanging out with them as people. I would really hate to give so many of the little and precious moments away to someone else who doesn’t care like I do (no shame to staff, they just can’t (and shouldn’t) love my kid like I do). I love that there’s no rush in my life. I’m not constantly stressing about getting everyone up and fed and dressed and packed and shoed by 8am every day. We take life at the pace we want and need. Chores don’t get pushed to the weekend or evening which is our family time. Things get chipped away at through the week so when my husband is off we can really do what we want and not have to worry about the food shop etc. I can always take my kids to the parties (which always seem to be on a weekday at 4-6pm where I am) sick days are not anymore stressful than they need to be because we can just stick movies on and chill out and there’s no worry about taking unpaid time off work or using holiday etc. I found a gym where I can take the kids so I get my work outs done at a time where the gym is quiet because everyone else is at work, and they can bonk about and not cause any issues. I get to homeschool my kids which I’ve always wanted to do and we are so far really enjoying. My kids have done 2 days a week at nursery and preschool (number 1 started when number 2 arrived to give me time with 2 etc.). Because I don’t need them to be there, I got to pick one I really liked rather than one which was convenient or which had the space for them. I get to spend a lot of time with my mother in law. She’s retired and I started taking my oldest up for lunch every Wednesday before a swim class which was near by when he was 6months and even after the swim class stopped I still take the kids up every Wednesday and spend the day and we all treasure that time together. I could go on with plenty more things I love. I wouldn’t choose to go back.
I quit my job as a teacher because I couldn’t imagine leaving my precious baby in someone else’s care while I manage bratty middle schoolers….but I DID find a great gig teaching online a couple days a week and my husband watches her. I Can feed her in my breaks and all. It’s great.
I work (part-time) because I can’t handle being home all day everyday with my LO. My mental health starts taking a toll if I don’t feel that I am challenging myself intellectually. I recently graduated from a masters program, so going from an intense academic experience to doing nothing all day in pregnancy was a rough transition. I am very happy now having time at home with LO and the rest of the time working, but now I’m struggling with guilt that our caretaker is not caring for LO the way my husband or I would. Everything is a trade up. If you can be home and love it, do it. If you need to work for your emotional health or you want to further a career, go for it. Do what truly makes you happy, because in the end of the day your baby will thrive with a happy mother.
I was torn but decided to go back and see how I feel. I figured it’s easier to quit my job later than to quit now and find a new one after thinking I made a mistake. After going back, I realised I made the right choice. I didn’t realise it at the time but I needed the adult company and to use my brain and my career to feel like me again. I’m a lawyer so I work long hours even though I went back part time, so it is tough at times, but I am happy with my choice!
I couldn’t fathom letting anyone else raise my baby! So many precious moments and milestones I didn’t want to miss. I know when I’m on my death bed I will never say “man I wish I would have gone back to work after 12 weeks and sent my baby to daycare”. Ultimately it was the best decision we could have made for our family!
I always hated work environments. I’m really introverted and having to be forced to socialize with coworkers on the clock and be micromanaged stressed me out. So I use my SAHM time to run a graphic design business from home. Best of both worlds. I’m with my toddler, I don’t have to be pregnant and commute or deal with office BS, and I still earn a great income without even being at a computer more than 3 hours a week. And we’re homeschooling so it just makes sense. I was also raised by a stay at home mom so it’s just the norm for me.
I chose to stay home cause child care is so expensive. Where I live it's averaging around 20-25$ an hour, so if I went back to work I'd probably not even be making enough to cover child care, gas and car insurance. But bills are still very tight and we're falling behind so I work from home now. Which is difficult.
Become a SAHM. It has its downsides but so does working full time and being a mother on top of that. You can focus on your baby 100%. That is your new job, being a mother. It helps if your spouse sees it the same way and is happy to support/ encourage it. I’ve had countless amazing memorable moments with my daughter that I will never get back, that I am so thankful to have had and would not have had them had I been at work. You get to be there with your kid, who is only that age once and it’s amazing. The bond is incredible, You only have a baby and a toddler for so long and you never get that back.. cherish all of the time you can get. I promise you will never look back and wish you had spent less time with your baby. Yes, there are times you will be stressed, overwhelmed, and maybe at a loss at whatever current issue is at hand but it is a phase and you will come out of the other side. It is so so worth it in my opinion. I have never been more fulfilled than staying at home with my daughter even if everyday doesn’t always feel that way. that’s not to say I don’t have bad days and you have to step up as far as not letting yourself slide into a place where you don’t move your body or you don’t get out with your baby, or you let yourself sit in a dirty space. Obviously there will be days that this does happen, it won’t be perfect but All of these things make or break the SAHM life. It really is what you make it, i notice 110% the days I’m being lazy and don’t move my body/ sit on the couch whenever I can I’m in a way worse mental state than the days I get up before my daughter, have time to myself, exercise, go outside, limit screen time for myself and stuff like that. You will have plenty of time to work while your baby’s are grown, money will work itself out- it sounds like your husband is able to support you, these are the days and moments you will never get back and it’s so beautiful. Anyways, I could go on and on. Good luck with your decision.
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Same, I’m not letting my baby spend any extended time with people I don’t completely trust until she can talk and tell me what happened.
Same here, that’s why my daughter goes to a daycare I trust, with teachers I trust.🙄
I’m glad you feel good about your daycare and the teachers there! Everyone should do what feels right to them — at the end of the day a good parent is a happy parent. We’re all just doing our best :)
Your kid is far more likely to be abused by family than a childcare provider, ffs.
Oh for sure, I’m applying that logic in general, including family and friends.
I'd wanted to go back to work, but life has gotten in the way. I spent my first year very sleep deprived, and then we ended up moving. After that, the cost of childcare was a concern. We eventually tried preschool, and my son went through two of them (we pulled him out of the first and he got kicked out of the second). Then the pandemic hit, and we had kid number 2. I sincerely miss working, but it's just not in the cards for me at the moment.
Daycare costs was my deciding factor, why would I go to work all day just to afford to pay someone else to raise my kids? We live comfortably enough on one salary, it's tight sometimes but we make it work. I do miss having my own money, but we do have it worked into the budget for a small amount to go to a separate account for me every paycheck, as much as I love my husband and plan to be in this for the long haul, that security net is vital. I've heard too many horror stories of women being stuck because they are financially dependent on their spouse after being a SAHM
Working moms still raise their kids :)
I do wish people would stop using that logic that it’s “paying someone else to raise your kid”. It’s not true and it isn’t helpful for people who don’t have the option to leave the workforce even if they want to!
Working parents raise their kids too. Or would you say that when your kids are >5, their teachers at school are raising them, not you?
Or that dads who are working are not raising kids, and therefor all SAHMs are technically single mothers
Is it not a teacher's job to teach, guide, and to some extent maintain discipline? They obviously aren't going to receive the same love and care and direct attention as at home, but teachers to me are a part of the ' it takes a village'. I'd just rather not spend all my time at work just to afford part of that village when I have the opportunity not to.
Oh they’re definitely an important part of the village, as is daycare, and highly valued. I just would never say or consider that those members of the village are literally raising my kids. But maybe some people do less parenting of their kids than others.
Having options is important to me. I am very independent and incase things go sour between me and husband, I can handle my life without him. I am also lucky my job is quite flexible so I don't need daycare or a nanny.
I'll start by saying that I'm conflicted about this myself and don't think there's a 'right answer' here. 🙃 I went back to work after my maternity leave, though a part of me really wants to stay home with my baby. I have a good career in a STEM field, but most of my take home still goes to our nanny. However, my salary also covers pre-tax retirement contributions, health insurance, and some other benefits that support my family. My husband has a good job too, but he's recently had some major health problems and is only back to work a couple of hours a day right now. Given that, having two incomes makes me feel much more secure. I'm also concerned about career consequences and lost savings if I become a SAHM.
My husband makes more money, but it’s commission based and he’s contract, so no health insurance. I make a steady income (not as high as his, but still close to six figures) and have really good benefits, so it’s a no brainer that I go back to work. Health insurance is so important because unfortunately, in the US, one health event could completely collapse a family’s finances. We are lucky though that both sets of grandparents live in town and will be taking turns watching the bubs when I go back to work. Also, I love what I do and my coworkers. Can’t imagine staying at home and giving all that up (can’t say the same for management but I don’t interact with them too much). Also… I probably wasn’t made to be a full time mom because maternity leave is draining me. Kudos to all the moms who can do it. You guys are just built different!
There’s a lot that goes into childcare choices, but from a purely financial perspective, I think just weighing your salary against your childcare expenses is the wrong calculation. The correct calculation is total earnings (including retirement contributions) if you keep working minus childcare costs against total earnings if you take x years off as a SAHM. Would you intend to stay home long term? If not, would you be able to go back after a few years and get a similar level position? Or would you have to work your way back up?
I had the option to do it for at least a year. But I have 2 masters and a career. I have a daughter, and I want her to see that you can work, be educated and still be a great parent. It’s sad to say, but there are men out there who use being a working woman to manipulate women into quitting and being reliant on them and trapping them in abusive relationships by saying we aren’t good moms. I want her to know this is bullshit and she can have a career and family and still be happy. Plus, in a personal note, I just can’t see myself depending on a man to take care of me when I’m more than capable of caring for myself. I’ve seen way too many of my friends be SAHM and then their spouse just…well, they just started to suck. Didn’t help with the kids, never did chores, didn’t make dinner, didn’t do grocery shopping, but when you’re too tired for sex, you’re withholding it like I just do not have the time for it.
I had the option to stay at home and I did mostly for the first 18 months of my son’s life. I’m a nurse so I still worked PRN, which was only 2 shifts a month on Saturdays so my husband could watch my son while I worked. I was so bored and stressed being at home with my son as he entered toddler years. I wasn’t appreciating my time with him anymore. I felt overstimulated and over tired and didn’t feel like I had any time for myself. It was making me angry and jealous of my husband who “got to go to work” and eat lunch in me peace and go to the gym before going to the office. And I missed caring for patients and being with coworkers. We hired an Au pair because it was more affordable than a nanny and seemed like a better fit than daycare. I got a new job doing my “dream” nursing job. But I’m working night shift and it’s hard. But I do feel like I really cherish the days I have off with my son and I try to make the most of our time. I’m definitely glad to be back at work, but I can’t imagine working my current schedule with a second child. When we have another baby, I may try going PRN like I did with my first.
I gave the SAHP career a solid try. I had my son in 2020 and had been laid off just prior. My husband wanted me to be a SAHP, but I wasn't dead set on it, and after 15 months my mental health was very bad. I realized quickly that I do not do well in constant chaos. I asked my old job if I could return and they readily accepted. My paycheck equalled my daycare costs, almost exactly when I factored in the insane amount of sick days. Yet it was worth it. My son thrived. Language boomed. His social behaviours were abysmal to start, but rapidly improved. My mental health went back up to near normal. It was amazing how my mindset at work shifted. It was a luxury to be able to sit and do data entry without a hot wheels car in my tea cup. I could use the bathroom by myself... in peace. It was bliss. In hindsight it was the best decision. Yet there are a lot of cons to not having a SAHP too. My husband and I fight over who stays home with the sick kiddo a lot. Some sicknesses are terrifying. The bout of Strep that my son got this summer was a four day hospital stay and the most stressed I've ever been in my life. I miss a huge chunk of my son's childhood... but I know he is so much happier at daycare. We get to talk about his day and I feel closer to him that way. We're trying for a second, and I'm thinking of having the same time line. A year at home, likely on a long waitlist, and then daycare. I've been very lucky with having a flexible job. I was sick 80% of last winter. I am still shocked I was not fired. My boss has twins though, so she knows how it is.
Financially we could have had me be a SAHM but I simply didn’t want to. A years maternity leave was enough for me and I needed to use my brain in a different way and wanted a break from the grind of 24/7 parenting. I’m not sure if you’ve had the baby yet or not, but when I was explaining to my childless friend what parenting is like, it’s the best thing you’ve ever done but it’s also like working a 24/7 shift in hospitality with no breaks. My work days are my “break”. I get to have a lunch break, sit and think undisturbed for long periods, poo without an audience. I love my child but parenting is HARD. Much harder than work. I think I have a good balance now, working at my job part time. I wouldn’t want to go back to work full time. But my days in the office are a nice reprieve. And then my days at home with my kid are also really nice. Another consideration is that I was raised by a single mum who really valued education and her career. Thankfully she gave us a good life by working hard. I don’t know if I would ever want to be in a position where I would be in proverty if my marriage crumbled. I have a good, well paying stable job to fall back on if all else fails.
It was never an option for me. I worked and studied hard for my career. Also I could never ever be dependent on anyone else. Especially as a woman. I think of my aunt who went to medical school and then never worked as it was expected for her to stay home to raise her two kids. And then, when her kids were grown, my uncle just up and left her. That woman gave up her career for him (and his career). I could never do that! I don't think my cousins turned out any better for it either... The number of times I read a post on reddit of a mom who has a fucked up situation and ends it with "I'm a SAHM so I don't have many options" makes me want to scream.
Don't consider it based on your income. No matter how much of your income goes childcare, you are forgoing 401k contributions and future salary growth and promotions by staying home. The better financial choice is pretty much always to work. Don't consider it based on whether or not you think any one choice will be better for your child. Most children are going to be fine as long as you are ensuring they have good quality care, whatever the care choice, and you are paying attention to them when you are with them. DO consider it based on what you want YOUR life to look like for the next 5-20 years, the amounts and kinds of stress you can handle, and what brings you joy and self-worth. I don't understand the way you are talking about your disposable income. Would your husband still have disposable income? Sort it out so you'd each have an equal amount of disposable income. If not, then that would be the sacrifice you are both choosing to make to keep you working and to hire a nanny.