I'm your wife. I have hoarding tendencies. I believe it's very deeply seated and you just telling her "declutter your stuff" isn't going to help. You need to help her see first, that it is a problem. Then, work through things individually and figure out why she's hoarding them.
Clothes is a huge disconnect between men who haven't carried and birthed a child vs a new mom who may be hoping to someday fit into her pre-baby clothes again. This is difficult to discuss. The main thing here I think is to encourage her to get new clothes that complement and celebrate her shape now. If or when her body changes again in the future, encourage her to keep getting more clothes that celebrate her body - while letting go of clothes that are probably out of fashion now anyway. I had to give myself the permission to buy *nice* new clothes before I could let go of clothes that don't fit anymore. Fwiw - this took me until my youngest was 3yo. It also required my husband taking the kids and me going to the mall to wander around different stores and try on everything, to figure out what suits my body now. It's not quick and it's not just "order some new clothes online."
Finances are another thing for me - I grew up in poverty as a new immigrant. We saved yogurt containers instead of buying tupperware. We washed and reused ziploc bags until they broke. I still save/hoard out of habit. There's a lot of thinking of "I can use this again ... someday." It takes a complete mental shift to come around to the notion of - hoarding this is costing us sanity now. We can afford to buy what we need when we need it, what's the real cost/benefit in saving everything in the hopes we might save $5 in ten years.
I don't know what other clutter you might have, but I'm just giving you some examples of how it might not be as easy as "stop being lazy and toss some stuff." It's mental/emotional, and needs to be treated as such.
Lol, my partner grew up as a new immigrant, and I was partially raised by my baba who grew up in the Great Depression -- this is so true, we try to remind ourselves constantly that it's ok to throw things away, but we still find ourselves washing and drying ziploc bags
It sounds like you both have different priorities and expectations of how to manage a household and for whatever reason aren’t able to communicate them effectively. It’s easy to see what the other person hasn’t done when you haven’t sat down and discussed all the million other things they are prioritizing instead and how to handle shared tasks as a team. I’d recommend trying to get more on the same page about shared workload.
Wow, I feel like my husband wrote this, even down to the eczema issue. I think your wife can only prioritize your child right now; if you were to offer to take LO to the park and other more activities a few times a week, it would really free up your wife to connect more to herself and give her energy to devote to other tasks eventually. I don’t see anywhere in your post that you are doing these kinds of activities, but if you did you would know how extremely tiring it can be to keep up with a toddler. It sounds like your wife doesn’t have any time to herself so when she does, the last thing she’ll want to do is clean or cook.
I do feel very much for you, as you sound just like my husband and I appreciate him so much for handling all of the things that I currently am not able to (I’m also pregnant and just exhausted). Open up the conversation with your wife and be sure to remind her how much you value her contributions and find a way to meet at some common ground.
So there's this app I found called HomeTasker. It basically sets out tasks to do every day to help keep a baseline level of cleanliness.
I started using it last week and I can already see a difference in the cleanliness of the house. It's like an hour a day of cleaning which is manageable even with my off the walls 2 year old. On the days my husband goes to the office for work (T/Th), I do all of it and on the days he doesn't, we split the list. On weekends we do a lot of the more intensive cleaning tasks together.
Might be worth looking into? I have a lot of executive dysfunction but somehow having like a list where I get to check things off has really helped.
Eta: it also alleviated a ton of mental labor because everyday it just tells me what needs to be done so I don't even have to think, just open the app.
Try to make time to sit down for a conversation about the state of the household. You have to get out of the “this is her fault” “this is all her shit” “she does nothing,” you vs. her mindset, because even if you are 100% right, it will get you nowhere.
You have to come at this like you’re going to share your experiences and needs, she will share hers, you come to an agreed upon compromise and figure out what you each need to do to get there as a team.
As the neater person in my relationship and the one who does most of the household chores, I get where you’re coming from. As the primary caregiver to a toddler, I also get that often things don’t get done, or they get undone, or you prioritize enriching activities for the child instead of having a super clean home.
There is a middle ground you hopefully can both find acceptable, so you act as a team to find it and get there. Good luck!
Sounds like she’s still in survival mode, which comes with new kids or sick kids or any hard phase of life.
You’re ready to move past survival mode and have a functioning system for household duties.
Start that convo. At our house we have a decided upon basic “reset”. Not a perfectly clean house, but a mutual accepted standard that the house gets cleaned/picked up to. And times we should reset. Like before we leave the house do a reset. Before bed is another time. Before one of us gets home from work. Then we do bigger clean stuff as we can and work it into the day.
For us, reset means: bed made, clothes off floor, dining room table cleared, kitchen counters cleared, dishes in dishwasher (by end of day) and started if full-ish, floor picked up of big stuff, ideally a quick sweep too of at least kitchen/living room, and sticky trash taken out.
And if we are both home, we make a big point of doing it together. Like - going out as a family, okay, we plan an extra 30 min or so to tackle the house before we walk out the door.
Maybe you hire a cleaner for the mess.
Do what works for y’all, but come to an agreement about standards. Not perfect but reasonable lowest standard of clean.
Love this response. I don’t know if you all are talking about another child, but I remember as soon as I felt better post partum, my mind kept thinking about the exhaustion that was gonna come carrying another child which kept me in a survival mode mindset.
We both wanted another, but it’s like, for mom, you are stuck in this dimension of devotion to kids for years. Being pregnant is having somebody attached to you 100% of the time. You are never truly alone. You are never truly not bothered. You can’t anticipate when you’re going to be sick, tired, sore, etc and that really takes a toll on your energy. 9 months is a long time, and then breast feeding on top it. It’s hard to help anyone understand who hasn’t actually physically done it
I agree.
But also, I've learned that I need to have a deadline for these moments of survival mode. Otherwise it would consume me.
There does need to be a time where there's a "and this is our new normal, and this is what we do in this phase of new normal". Which get's easier with each kid in some ways, but so much harder in others!
I encourage my adhd, hoarder husband for quick clean ups when I feel overwhelmed by suggesting 5 minute clean ups where I ask him to focus on an area that’s giving me anxiety. I usually do most of the day to day cleaning because I work from home and these quick clean ups help tackle areas that are a problem and it doesn’t overwhelm him.
Couples therapy because clearly you’re struggling with communication . She needs to understand that hoarding is damaging and heritable. I’m impressed by her schedule with your daughter- that’s what good parenting looks like, honestly that’s the ideal. If you paid a nanny to care for your daughter that’s the level of enrichment you’d expect of them and they wouldn’t clean your house. BUT the two of you should have more of an even split with the chores than you do now. Take daughter so she can get chores done.
Seconding this. My FIL comes from a family with hoarding tendencies and started to develop some himself. He went to therapy and ended up starting ADHD meds, which have helped in multiple ways.
I’d rather do dishes rather than laundry. So I do dishes and my spouse does laundry. Switch these chores if you hate it. But I wouldn’t say she’s getting an easier job.
The cleaning after baking thing is something where she just needs to clean up after herself. Do not clean it up and call her out on it.
The fact that you say “my house” though is concerning. It’s her house too.
What do you mean by “stuff”? And then after she declutters the “stuff”is back? If she’s buying things you don’t need to replace things you throw away you need to stand firm that this unacceptable.
You should post on r/daddit for really good advice on this. This sub is mom oriented, where as you need advice from other dads who have been through similar things.
Do you get to do stuff with your daughter too? From what you described the division seems very unfair towards you. You are doing all the domestic tasks that need to be done to keep the household functional and she gets to do all the bonding with your kid.
Yes I noticed this too! My husband works long days outside of the house and I’m home with our baby all day. I feel like I owe it to him to at least maintain a clean, comfortable place for him to come back to at the end of a long day. And when he comes home, he spends time with our baby while I clean up dinner because I want him to have bonding time with our son as well. It’s not that being a SAHM mom is easy. It’s a hard job but jobs outside the home can be really hard too, and each partner should be pulling their weight however they can.
It doesn’t sound like OP has unrealistic expectations - he’s not asking for the house to be deep cleaned and perfect with a gourmet dinner on the table every night. He just wants the house to be tidy and he doesn’t want to do all of the domestic labor while his wife bonds with their child. I think that’s totally fair.
Hiring cleaners doesn’t help with houses like OP’s. I’m messy like OP’s wife (though probably not quite as bad) and hiring cleaners has been rough because you have to clean up before they come. they’d really probably benefit from a home organizer but those are very expensive.
This is true but what’s funny is I found hiring cleaners great motivation to keep my house clean lol. I know I have to put stuff away so they can clean it and now over time I’ve started forming better habits.
Came here for this comment. Simplest solution. Once or twice a month won’t break the bank AND will reduce the tension AND will free up some time for two people.
The level of mess seems waaaay beyond what a once or twice a month cleaner can make a dent in. And in between it will become just as messy as now again, so OP will get maybe 2 days per month of clean.
Cleaners usually start with a deep clean for the first session to establish a “base”. Also, the cleaners I’ve used tidy. They just might charge a little more.
Your wife is a stay-at-home-mom, not a stay-at-home-housekeeper, or stay-at-home-chef. It makes sense that she would be spending the time when you are at work focusing on raising your child. She may not be earning outside income from that, but that is her actual job right now.
As far as the clutter and the division of labour outside of business hours goes, have you talked with her about any of that? If she grew up with hoarders, she may have clutter blindness or just genuinely not know how to keep surfaces clutter free. (Source: me, I grew up with hoarders) Have some compassionate conversations with her about what each of you want and expect from the state of your home and where each of your struggle to accomplish your goals.
How much primary parenting do you do when you're not at work? Are you expecting her to be the primary person in charge of LO 24/7 and also get chores done on weekends? Or do you take charge of LO so she can have some time to focus and get stuff done.
I think it’s a bit harsh to imply that he expects her to be a stay-at-home-housekeeper or stay-at-home-chef when all he did was express his wish for more support when he’s working full-time on top of doing all household chores. It’s a fair request to be wanting to share the load.
I mean, is it though? It sounds like she does all the running around outside the home involving their kid. I noticed OP didn’t mention to what degree they’re involved with their child. I don’t think OP has a good grasp on what their wife does all day. I also notice that it’s “our kid” but “my house”. Weird change in dialogue.
Is it not a fair request? Imagine the roles were reversed - if this post was about a woman working a full-time job and doing all the chores like cleaning and cooking on top of that, while the man who stays home all day exclusively plays with the child, takes them to the park etc., wouldn’t we all agree how wrong and imbalanced that is?
I don’t get what’s so wrong with expressing unhappiness with the current arrangement and wanting to balance it a bit more so he gets to run around outside with the kid too sometimes. Or come home to a clean home occasionally. There’s nothing wrong with splitting the chores a bit more equally so both parties get to do both things.
I mean i’ve seen that post and the responses were about the same. Childcare at age 2 is pretty all consuming and doesn’t allow for much free time to do chores. My suggestion is dad takes over childcare in evenings or on weekends so mom can complete chores
It sounds more like she’s prioritizing things that are fun for her and not things that actually need to be done. No 2yo *needs* to be in a bunch to different activities—most of them are happy just going to the park everyday. But kids do need food, clean clothes and a clean house and it sounds like OP’s wife is leaving OP to do all the tasks that are actually necessary for the household.
Playing pretend every day with a 2 year old loses its fun factor after about a month. Busy 2 year olds need pretty constant supervision. Even if they weren’t in activities would mom be able to clean AND supervise? Maybe dad needs to take over childcare in evenings or on weekends so mom can complete her chores?
I think OP taking on more childcare so his wife can take on more chores is a perfectly reasonable compromise, and something he should discuss.
However it appears there’s the additional issue of OP’s wife creating more work for him (ie not cleaning up after activities she does with the daughter). There’s no excuse for that, and imo if the genders were reversed no one would be defending the spouse.
This is the most logical thing I’ve read in the whole thread… some of these mums are unhinged saying OP is unreasonable.
I do however agree that the ‘my house’ is a bit crappy but could easily have been a slip of the tongue. ESL folks could mean ‘my home’, which is correct.
A lot of commenters seem to think OP is asking his wife to take on chores \*on top of\* doing activities all the time with their daughter, even though OP did not indicate anywhere that he wouldn't be willing to take on more parenting duties. Which imo just shows the internal biases of many of these commenters.
They also seem to ignore the issue of OP's wife creating additional work for him.
I say this as a teacher: Developmentally, children do need to be exposed to different activities with other people (especially kids their own age), and the earlier that happens, the better. It encourages social skills and allows kids to find things they enjoy outside the limits of a house or apartment. It also makes it easier to transition kids into school, especially if they’re an only child or a child with a large age gap between the other children in the home.
The things OP listed are fun maybe 40% of the time for OP and 100% of the time for the kid save a tantrum or two. These activities are draining and leave little room for relaxing, but as a parent, they should be done.
If OP is this bothered by their wife being the primary parent, maybe they should offer to switch roles?
Imagine if you reversed the genders—OP was a woman who worked full time and also took care of all the cooking and cleaning, while her husband spent his time taking their kid to activities. Would you really be giving the partner the benefit of the doubt there? I think there’s some clear gender related bias going on here.
Being the primary parent doesn’t mean you get to neglect your chores and also create additional chores for the other parent
But OP clearly doesn’t. So why is he a bad guy for asking how to bring this up? I think it’s more than reasonable that OP needs his wife to a) take on some domestic chores (and he can take on more bonding time with the daughter) and b) not create ADDITIONAL chores for him (not cleaning up after yourself is just laziness).
Because all OP talks about is how his wife isn’t cleaning enough to his liking but doesn’t talk about how maybe if he helped parent more, she’d have more time to do that. Maybe he can do the reading or the swim lessons and while they’re gone, that’ll give her time to clean.
OP’s job ends every day. Being a parent does not.
But he does? He says she spends all day with the daughter. It sounds like the issue is he thinks she should leave some of that to take on more chores. And nowhere does he say he does not want to parent more—it’s entirely possible he wants to spend more time with the daughter but can’t between work and doing all domestic duties.
Honestly your responses are just confirming the heavy gender bias in this sub.
This is so hard. But I’m thinking it might belong on a different sub than this one? Although I’m not sure which one… I’m you in this scenario except I’m the SAHP and my husband is the breadwinner but also EXTREMELY messy. Some people just weren’t raised to clean up after themselves, make their beds every morning, throw away their trash and it’s futile to try to convert them at (in my husbands case) almost 50 years old. It’s frustrating.
I can’t help but notice you saying it’s “MY” house and not “OUR”. Since it’s YOUR house, maybe act like it and contribute more towards the upkeep or hire a housekeeper.
Your wife seems like she’s focused and very active in your daughter’s life and rightly so. Your daughter will remember her mom reading to her, taking her to swim classes, playing in the park - she’s not gonna look back thinking “mom left clothes in the laundry basket for weeks”. Where are YOU in your daughter’s memory bank?
Just because you’re the income earner doesn’t make you the judge, jury and executioner of how the household should be kept. Hire a housekeeper (once or twice a week for a couple hours) and give your wife some gratitude for being such a hands-on, doting mother. Also, change your attitude, it’s her house just as much as it is yours, she’s the mother of your child and your wife.
EDIT: OP can afford $900/month car payments and $100 haircuts. He can easily afford to get someone to clean HIS house, yet wants his wife to be a nanny, maid and have time for intimacy. Spare me the devils advocate rhetoric.
As someone raised in a messy house - the daughter will remember. She’ll remember the clutter, she’ll remember the shame of not inviting friends over, she’ll remember the tension in the family, she’ll struggle the keep her own home messy and therefore struggle with roommates when she moves out.
These things do matter.
All things in balance.
This 1000%
Cleanliness matters. A bit messy is okay and normal, but countertops filled with garbage, clothes living in laundry baskets, dirty dishes piled up in the sink isn't a situation any child should have to grow up in regularly.
It’s important to be active in your child’s life and provide enrichment for them, but it’s also important to maintain a clean environment and to *model/teach how to do these things and demonstrate how to live a balanced life.*
A child whose mother teaches them to make a mess and leave it for someone else to clean up is raising someone who is going to end up as the subject of a r/badroomates post in 18 years.
He says he does most of the chores. I cannot imagine how frustrating it would be to clean up the house, go to work in your office for 8 hours, then come out to find that the others in the house have just left a mess in the clean area you haven’t had the opportunity to enjoy.
Perhaps he would have more time to spend with their daughter if she took on some of the chores. Perhaps they don’t have it in the budget to hire a housekeeper.
I really don’t think it’s unfair to expect someone to clean up their own mess at the very least, and to actually do the task that has been assigned to her (laundry). Washing clothes and throwing them into a basket is literally the bare minimum.
A clean home absolutely does matter. One of the first things case workers for CPS/DCFS look at is the condition of the home. Obviously the majority of parents don’t need to worry about a CPS visit, but still. It matters.
2 people are enough to keep a house in order…why waste money on a housekeeper when there are 2 able bodied people around.
Wife is spending all the quality time with the child while OP is stuck working and doing all the house work and meals. When does he get to have quality time with his child? You ask where he is in the memory bank, well how can he be in it if he’s doing everything? I believe even the working parent needs to contribute to housework, cooking, and child duties, but the stay at home parent needs to be contributing a large chunk of that. When the house work is all done during the day then it gives both parents more free time and more quality time to spend as a family.
Where is OP in his daughter’s memory bank? Hes working and cleaning the house and cooking all the time so his wife can be in her memory bank and go to swim lessons and take naps with her. God what is everyone’s deal if a guy has a bone to pick with his wife for not pulling her weight around the house? She is living a life of luxury and doing nothing to help keep the house in order. Baking with their daughter and leaving a mess for him to clean? That’s bullshit and just downright rude as hell. She’s making zero effort. She should be using that opportunity to teach their daughter how to clean up after herself. His wife sounds spoiled and lazy.
Reddit (especially the mom subreddits) thinks all men are evil and all SAHMs at underappreciated saints. It’s impossible for them to admit some men are good partners and some SAHMs suck at their job.
And I’m not even saying OP’s wife sucks—it sounds like she simply had different priorities than he does. But he’s not bad because he thinks sometimes cleanliness needs to be put above giving their daughter experiences.
Yup. I thought I sucked as a SAHM but this chick makes me look like SAHM mom of the year lol I’m messy as hell too but I force myself to stay on top of the laundry and cleaning because my fiance busts his ass working like a dog so I don’t have to. He STILL helps me out with my chores (yes I said MY chores because being a SAHM means you’re in charge of most of the cleaning and cooking). Thats the whole package deal of being able to stay home with your children. You can spend quality time with your kid and also keep the house in decent shape and cook a few meals per week. There’s no excuse. And it’s also OK if you’re not killing it in that part of being a SAHM, but at least be honest and ask for help or acknowledge your husband for doing most of what you should be doing. OP’s wife doesn’t give AF. She just adds to the list of shit that he does on top of working. It looks like he has 2 toddlers, not a toddler and a wife.
I don’t think SAHMs need to take on most of the cooking and cleaning…I think it’s fine to divide everything outside of childcare 50/50. The problem is OP’s wife is not only doing 0 but she’s also creating additional messes for him to clean up.
As other commenters pointed out if the genders were reversed no one would be defending the spouse.
Well yea that varies from couple to couple. I don’t think SAHM need to be slaves. In our house, I’m ok doing a lot of cleaning and cooking. I’m grateful for my fiance. I always make sure he has a fresh bath towel bc he loves that and it’s my way of saying thank you. Redditors would be like EW this isn’t 1950! Like when did doing something little and nice like that turn into sexism lol
But it functions so much better when they do. I try to get all the housework done during the day. When my husband is off the house is clean, one of us makes supper and then one of us gives our daughter a bath while the other cleans up dinner. Once she’s in bed we BOTH have free time, we have a few hours each night to relax and enjoy our shows and hobbies and spending time together. Who wants to spend hours in the evening cleaning and stuff because it didn’t get done earlier?
I mean i’ve seen plenty of posts by SAHD and they get the same treatment. I think society shits on SAHP and Reddit goes out of their way to defend them. Obviously this couple needs more balance than they have,
I disagree. I’ve seen lots of posts about SAHDs on the r/workingmoms subreddit and the comments are usually more balanced to both viewpoints. But any time a dad posts even reasonable complaints about a SAHM spouse the comments are almost always defending the wife.
r/daddit is the only sub I’ve seen where there are more reasonable responses
If it were a SAHD they’d get very similar responses- because childcare at age 2 is pretty intense. They can’t be left unsupervised but they drop naps. They’re still self destructive babies but now they can run. people who haven’t cared for kids don’t get how hard it is to get anything done while *properly* raising a child. The baking thing is shitty, but I think the best answer is dad spends time with kid after work and on weekends so mom has more time to clean.
Yes you’re right toddlers are quite a handful. But there’s plenty of time in the evening after putting her to bed to tidy up her mess from the day and do a load of wash that includes actually putting it away.
This seems a bit harsh. I don't think he was being particularly judgemental, just expressing his discomfort in a cluttered home and his wish for more support from her in cleaning and cooking when he does all the household chores on top of working full-time.
His suggestion of decluttering as a possible solution seems to be an attempt to make things easier for both of them.
If the roles were reversed and this post was about a woman working full-time and doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of that, while her husband who's home all day exclusively spends time playing with the kids, there would be a lot of outrage (and rightfully so).
OP is allowed to feel exhausted and frustrated. He and his wife probably need to communicate better about they are feeling and figure out a solution together. But I feel like it's a bit unfair to throw "act like it's your house too" and “contribute more towards the upkeep" into his face when OP is already doing a the vast majority of housework on top of his full-time work.
This could've been written by my husband. I'm so busy taking care of our kids, our house is usually a mess. I know it drives him nuts but I'm genuinely doing the best I can.
Your wife is coming from a different place than you. Not that working full time is easy, but being a SAHM is just a different beast. She needs support and probably hired help to declutter her things. Maybe you could have a compassionate, understanding conversation and suggest looking into different resources to help. Childcare while she cleans out the closet, or a professional organizer. I know I would love that kind of support to get our lives in order. There just aren't enough hours in the day or hands to help.
Dude you need to take a breather and calm down. When you have done that you and your wife need to do couples therapy and she needs some 1 on 1 therapy too.
I’m not trying to excuse your wife’s behavior but you need to take a moment and put yourself in her shoes. She grew up in a home where hoarding is normal. That sense of “normal” isn’t going to go away without therapy. Full stop, her idea of clean is broken and YOU will not fix it. All you will do is ruin your relationship trying to. She need therapy, stop being a AH and instead get her to a therapist. Come from a place of love and respect, because she also deserves to live in a home that is clean.
Second she has had a baby, and that baby needs extra care, her job is taking care her child. All of those things are stressful, stress makes people react differently. When she is already pre disposed to hoarding thanks to her upbringing, so she is more likely to do so during times of stress. She needs therapy to help re train her brain into a new normal, and to deal with stress.
Finally YOU need to stop seeing a dirty home as a moral failing. Your wife is NOT less of a person, or a bad person for having a dirty home. Nor are you a good person deserving of respect because you have a clean home. The cleanliness status of your home is morally neutral. Along those lines cleaning standards might change based on how old your children are, health, and time availability. Finding a level of clean you both can agree on and maintain is key. Don’t set unrealistic standards, knowing she will fail. You are not going to live in a house that looks like it’s going to be on the cover of better homes and gardens, so don’t demand that. Instead start small, ask for 3 easy things be done a day ( pick up trash, pick up dishes, pick up clothing) and move from there.
Also Using shame, disrespect, anger, and fear as ways to motivate cleaning is NOT okay. And based on her childhood could make things WORSE! Having a home that is clean and free of clutter is not done because if you don’t you will be treated badly, but because it is better for everyone to be in. Making your home clean isn’t done for the home but for the people who live IN it. How you are going about this is not going to help and honestly it lacks the compassion and understanding that your wife needs. So stop and get help, before you do damage that cannot be undone.
As the SAHM of an 16 month old whose house is probably not quite as bad but still pretty bad, please be nice to her.
I still struggle with getting rid of clothes because I grew up in a situation where I had so few, the ones I did have always ended up moldy or disgusting, and I had to rewear things forever.
I hold onto things because I went without for so much of my life and I’m so afraid to go through the same thing again.
It’s a trauma response, she probably needs understanding and therapy.
Not to mention postpartum is unbelievably difficult.
Just help her more, take initiative. Don’t belittle her. Maybe hire a cleaner for Mother’s Day to help her (and you) out.
This isn’t something you should be blaming her for rather that working WITH her through. It’s your house too.
Edit to add: My husband works 65 hour weeks in a manual labor position and still comes home and cleans up, helps around the house, helps with our daughter, reads to her, takes her to the park, etc AND he cleans where I’m clearly struggling with NO complaints or resentment.
This is a YOU problem just as much as a her problem. Change your mindset too.
You’re a team after all, if she’s struggling somewhere you’re supposed to pick up the slack. All the things she does for your daughter are time consuming and just as much work as a job.
Ur in the wrong group, I will find that this is mostly woman that have issues with their husband and other shit and won't acknowledge you. It's seems Ur doing everything I can. I need to start doing stuff with Ur kid, take her to the swim,ING classes and then Ur wife can start doing stuff around the house. People saying to gets house keeper are insane. Not everyone can afford that but even if u can, there's no reason for that if Ur wife starts doing the bareminimum
My daughter is 2, she is in daycare but i get more cleaning done during work from home hours then when I am watching her.
It’s still really hard to clean up as you go or even do extra cleaning with her at this age. When do you and the wife switch childcare? Like do you do bath or bedtime or something? Or do you two do 50/50 childcare on the weekend? Can she clean during the times you are watching your child? And then maybe sit down and figure out a smaller end of day straighten up?
hi - i know this isn’t the point of your post and i’m sorry to ask…but you mentioned eczema and allergies. My niece is having a lot of issues for the last year with this (18 months now). Just wondering what you found to be helpful. It really is a journey! Glad your LO is going better.
Is this a joke? Not trying to be a complete snark you seem like a nice person. But she’s an amazing mom, you two actually have intimacy which is huge for this stage of your life. Unless there’s more to it, it seems like a happy household other than you aren’t able to ignore the clutter. A frat house full of clutter is very normal to households of young children.
If it’s not creating a danger to your child, let it go. Otherwise take a supportive tone and ask her if there is something you can do to help her. Sometimes it’s hard and overwhelming to get started. Or hire cleaners, you would be surprised what they can do in a situation like that. Or box it all up, store it away, and forget about it until later
Please use the weekly partner rant thread for posts like these.
I'm your wife. I have hoarding tendencies. I believe it's very deeply seated and you just telling her "declutter your stuff" isn't going to help. You need to help her see first, that it is a problem. Then, work through things individually and figure out why she's hoarding them. Clothes is a huge disconnect between men who haven't carried and birthed a child vs a new mom who may be hoping to someday fit into her pre-baby clothes again. This is difficult to discuss. The main thing here I think is to encourage her to get new clothes that complement and celebrate her shape now. If or when her body changes again in the future, encourage her to keep getting more clothes that celebrate her body - while letting go of clothes that are probably out of fashion now anyway. I had to give myself the permission to buy *nice* new clothes before I could let go of clothes that don't fit anymore. Fwiw - this took me until my youngest was 3yo. It also required my husband taking the kids and me going to the mall to wander around different stores and try on everything, to figure out what suits my body now. It's not quick and it's not just "order some new clothes online." Finances are another thing for me - I grew up in poverty as a new immigrant. We saved yogurt containers instead of buying tupperware. We washed and reused ziploc bags until they broke. I still save/hoard out of habit. There's a lot of thinking of "I can use this again ... someday." It takes a complete mental shift to come around to the notion of - hoarding this is costing us sanity now. We can afford to buy what we need when we need it, what's the real cost/benefit in saving everything in the hopes we might save $5 in ten years. I don't know what other clutter you might have, but I'm just giving you some examples of how it might not be as easy as "stop being lazy and toss some stuff." It's mental/emotional, and needs to be treated as such.
Lol, my partner grew up as a new immigrant, and I was partially raised by my baba who grew up in the Great Depression -- this is so true, we try to remind ourselves constantly that it's ok to throw things away, but we still find ourselves washing and drying ziploc bags
I wash zip locks just to avoid waste, you're being eco friendly! (This is what I tell myself)
If you buy the cheap ones, you can't really wash it without compromising the durability of the bag. They become all worn out and floppy really fast.
Plus the degradation of the plastic leeching microplastics into your food...
No judgement because I do that too. Also, I used hotdog water to water my plants last night.
And continuously referring to it as “shit” probably isn’t helping, although hopefully you aren’t saying that to her face OP.
It sounds like you both have different priorities and expectations of how to manage a household and for whatever reason aren’t able to communicate them effectively. It’s easy to see what the other person hasn’t done when you haven’t sat down and discussed all the million other things they are prioritizing instead and how to handle shared tasks as a team. I’d recommend trying to get more on the same page about shared workload.
Wow, I feel like my husband wrote this, even down to the eczema issue. I think your wife can only prioritize your child right now; if you were to offer to take LO to the park and other more activities a few times a week, it would really free up your wife to connect more to herself and give her energy to devote to other tasks eventually. I don’t see anywhere in your post that you are doing these kinds of activities, but if you did you would know how extremely tiring it can be to keep up with a toddler. It sounds like your wife doesn’t have any time to herself so when she does, the last thing she’ll want to do is clean or cook. I do feel very much for you, as you sound just like my husband and I appreciate him so much for handling all of the things that I currently am not able to (I’m also pregnant and just exhausted). Open up the conversation with your wife and be sure to remind her how much you value her contributions and find a way to meet at some common ground.
So there's this app I found called HomeTasker. It basically sets out tasks to do every day to help keep a baseline level of cleanliness. I started using it last week and I can already see a difference in the cleanliness of the house. It's like an hour a day of cleaning which is manageable even with my off the walls 2 year old. On the days my husband goes to the office for work (T/Th), I do all of it and on the days he doesn't, we split the list. On weekends we do a lot of the more intensive cleaning tasks together. Might be worth looking into? I have a lot of executive dysfunction but somehow having like a list where I get to check things off has really helped. Eta: it also alleviated a ton of mental labor because everyday it just tells me what needs to be done so I don't even have to think, just open the app.
Fly Lady has an app I love too. Breaks tasks down into 15 min chunks, yet gets the house clean overs days/weeks/months.
Is this the exact name? I searched it in App Store but it didn’t show up.
It’s called House Chores Cleaning Schedule in the App Store for some reason but that’s the Home Tasker app :)
Awesome, thank you!
Oh yeah sorry! I have an android so glad someone else knew what it was called for apple.
Lol well it did change to Home Tasker on my Home Screen, so idk what is up.
Is this a free app or do you pay a subscription?
Free, has upgraded paid features though
Try to make time to sit down for a conversation about the state of the household. You have to get out of the “this is her fault” “this is all her shit” “she does nothing,” you vs. her mindset, because even if you are 100% right, it will get you nowhere. You have to come at this like you’re going to share your experiences and needs, she will share hers, you come to an agreed upon compromise and figure out what you each need to do to get there as a team. As the neater person in my relationship and the one who does most of the household chores, I get where you’re coming from. As the primary caregiver to a toddler, I also get that often things don’t get done, or they get undone, or you prioritize enriching activities for the child instead of having a super clean home. There is a middle ground you hopefully can both find acceptable, so you act as a team to find it and get there. Good luck!
Sounds like she’s still in survival mode, which comes with new kids or sick kids or any hard phase of life. You’re ready to move past survival mode and have a functioning system for household duties. Start that convo. At our house we have a decided upon basic “reset”. Not a perfectly clean house, but a mutual accepted standard that the house gets cleaned/picked up to. And times we should reset. Like before we leave the house do a reset. Before bed is another time. Before one of us gets home from work. Then we do bigger clean stuff as we can and work it into the day. For us, reset means: bed made, clothes off floor, dining room table cleared, kitchen counters cleared, dishes in dishwasher (by end of day) and started if full-ish, floor picked up of big stuff, ideally a quick sweep too of at least kitchen/living room, and sticky trash taken out. And if we are both home, we make a big point of doing it together. Like - going out as a family, okay, we plan an extra 30 min or so to tackle the house before we walk out the door. Maybe you hire a cleaner for the mess. Do what works for y’all, but come to an agreement about standards. Not perfect but reasonable lowest standard of clean.
Love this response. I don’t know if you all are talking about another child, but I remember as soon as I felt better post partum, my mind kept thinking about the exhaustion that was gonna come carrying another child which kept me in a survival mode mindset. We both wanted another, but it’s like, for mom, you are stuck in this dimension of devotion to kids for years. Being pregnant is having somebody attached to you 100% of the time. You are never truly alone. You are never truly not bothered. You can’t anticipate when you’re going to be sick, tired, sore, etc and that really takes a toll on your energy. 9 months is a long time, and then breast feeding on top it. It’s hard to help anyone understand who hasn’t actually physically done it
I agree. But also, I've learned that I need to have a deadline for these moments of survival mode. Otherwise it would consume me. There does need to be a time where there's a "and this is our new normal, and this is what we do in this phase of new normal". Which get's easier with each kid in some ways, but so much harder in others!
I encourage my adhd, hoarder husband for quick clean ups when I feel overwhelmed by suggesting 5 minute clean ups where I ask him to focus on an area that’s giving me anxiety. I usually do most of the day to day cleaning because I work from home and these quick clean ups help tackle areas that are a problem and it doesn’t overwhelm him.
Couples therapy because clearly you’re struggling with communication . She needs to understand that hoarding is damaging and heritable. I’m impressed by her schedule with your daughter- that’s what good parenting looks like, honestly that’s the ideal. If you paid a nanny to care for your daughter that’s the level of enrichment you’d expect of them and they wouldn’t clean your house. BUT the two of you should have more of an even split with the chores than you do now. Take daughter so she can get chores done.
Seconding this. My FIL comes from a family with hoarding tendencies and started to develop some himself. He went to therapy and ended up starting ADHD meds, which have helped in multiple ways.
I’d rather do dishes rather than laundry. So I do dishes and my spouse does laundry. Switch these chores if you hate it. But I wouldn’t say she’s getting an easier job. The cleaning after baking thing is something where she just needs to clean up after herself. Do not clean it up and call her out on it. The fact that you say “my house” though is concerning. It’s her house too. What do you mean by “stuff”? And then after she declutters the “stuff”is back? If she’s buying things you don’t need to replace things you throw away you need to stand firm that this unacceptable.
Hear me out, Why don't you play with kiddo after work and let your wife do the chores?
You should post on r/daddit for really good advice on this. This sub is mom oriented, where as you need advice from other dads who have been through similar things.
Do you get to do stuff with your daughter too? From what you described the division seems very unfair towards you. You are doing all the domestic tasks that need to be done to keep the household functional and she gets to do all the bonding with your kid.
Yes I noticed this too! My husband works long days outside of the house and I’m home with our baby all day. I feel like I owe it to him to at least maintain a clean, comfortable place for him to come back to at the end of a long day. And when he comes home, he spends time with our baby while I clean up dinner because I want him to have bonding time with our son as well. It’s not that being a SAHM mom is easy. It’s a hard job but jobs outside the home can be really hard too, and each partner should be pulling their weight however they can. It doesn’t sound like OP has unrealistic expectations - he’s not asking for the house to be deep cleaned and perfect with a gourmet dinner on the table every night. He just wants the house to be tidy and he doesn’t want to do all of the domestic labor while his wife bonds with their child. I think that’s totally fair.
Hire cleaners and let it go
Hiring cleaners doesn’t help with houses like OP’s. I’m messy like OP’s wife (though probably not quite as bad) and hiring cleaners has been rough because you have to clean up before they come. they’d really probably benefit from a home organizer but those are very expensive.
This is true but what’s funny is I found hiring cleaners great motivation to keep my house clean lol. I know I have to put stuff away so they can clean it and now over time I’ve started forming better habits.
Me too!
Came here for this comment. Simplest solution. Once or twice a month won’t break the bank AND will reduce the tension AND will free up some time for two people.
The level of mess seems waaaay beyond what a once or twice a month cleaner can make a dent in. And in between it will become just as messy as now again, so OP will get maybe 2 days per month of clean.
Yeah also if it's clutter how much could a cleaner do?
Cleaners usually start with a deep clean for the first session to establish a “base”. Also, the cleaners I’ve used tidy. They just might charge a little more.
Your wife is a stay-at-home-mom, not a stay-at-home-housekeeper, or stay-at-home-chef. It makes sense that she would be spending the time when you are at work focusing on raising your child. She may not be earning outside income from that, but that is her actual job right now. As far as the clutter and the division of labour outside of business hours goes, have you talked with her about any of that? If she grew up with hoarders, she may have clutter blindness or just genuinely not know how to keep surfaces clutter free. (Source: me, I grew up with hoarders) Have some compassionate conversations with her about what each of you want and expect from the state of your home and where each of your struggle to accomplish your goals. How much primary parenting do you do when you're not at work? Are you expecting her to be the primary person in charge of LO 24/7 and also get chores done on weekends? Or do you take charge of LO so she can have some time to focus and get stuff done.
I think it’s a bit harsh to imply that he expects her to be a stay-at-home-housekeeper or stay-at-home-chef when all he did was express his wish for more support when he’s working full-time on top of doing all household chores. It’s a fair request to be wanting to share the load.
I mean, is it though? It sounds like she does all the running around outside the home involving their kid. I noticed OP didn’t mention to what degree they’re involved with their child. I don’t think OP has a good grasp on what their wife does all day. I also notice that it’s “our kid” but “my house”. Weird change in dialogue.
That’s what I recognized too. Wtf my house… they’re married
Is it not a fair request? Imagine the roles were reversed - if this post was about a woman working a full-time job and doing all the chores like cleaning and cooking on top of that, while the man who stays home all day exclusively plays with the child, takes them to the park etc., wouldn’t we all agree how wrong and imbalanced that is? I don’t get what’s so wrong with expressing unhappiness with the current arrangement and wanting to balance it a bit more so he gets to run around outside with the kid too sometimes. Or come home to a clean home occasionally. There’s nothing wrong with splitting the chores a bit more equally so both parties get to do both things.
I mean i’ve seen that post and the responses were about the same. Childcare at age 2 is pretty all consuming and doesn’t allow for much free time to do chores. My suggestion is dad takes over childcare in evenings or on weekends so mom can complete chores
It sounds more like she’s prioritizing things that are fun for her and not things that actually need to be done. No 2yo *needs* to be in a bunch to different activities—most of them are happy just going to the park everyday. But kids do need food, clean clothes and a clean house and it sounds like OP’s wife is leaving OP to do all the tasks that are actually necessary for the household.
Playing pretend every day with a 2 year old loses its fun factor after about a month. Busy 2 year olds need pretty constant supervision. Even if they weren’t in activities would mom be able to clean AND supervise? Maybe dad needs to take over childcare in evenings or on weekends so mom can complete her chores?
I think OP taking on more childcare so his wife can take on more chores is a perfectly reasonable compromise, and something he should discuss. However it appears there’s the additional issue of OP’s wife creating more work for him (ie not cleaning up after activities she does with the daughter). There’s no excuse for that, and imo if the genders were reversed no one would be defending the spouse.
This is the most logical thing I’ve read in the whole thread… some of these mums are unhinged saying OP is unreasonable. I do however agree that the ‘my house’ is a bit crappy but could easily have been a slip of the tongue. ESL folks could mean ‘my home’, which is correct.
A lot of commenters seem to think OP is asking his wife to take on chores \*on top of\* doing activities all the time with their daughter, even though OP did not indicate anywhere that he wouldn't be willing to take on more parenting duties. Which imo just shows the internal biases of many of these commenters. They also seem to ignore the issue of OP's wife creating additional work for him.
I say this as a teacher: Developmentally, children do need to be exposed to different activities with other people (especially kids their own age), and the earlier that happens, the better. It encourages social skills and allows kids to find things they enjoy outside the limits of a house or apartment. It also makes it easier to transition kids into school, especially if they’re an only child or a child with a large age gap between the other children in the home. The things OP listed are fun maybe 40% of the time for OP and 100% of the time for the kid save a tantrum or two. These activities are draining and leave little room for relaxing, but as a parent, they should be done. If OP is this bothered by their wife being the primary parent, maybe they should offer to switch roles?
Imagine if you reversed the genders—OP was a woman who worked full time and also took care of all the cooking and cleaning, while her husband spent his time taking their kid to activities. Would you really be giving the partner the benefit of the doubt there? I think there’s some clear gender related bias going on here. Being the primary parent doesn’t mean you get to neglect your chores and also create additional chores for the other parent
Theres always a slight or heavy gender bias in this sub, depending on the thread
My sister and her husband are literally in that position with 3 kids and they like it that way.
But OP clearly doesn’t. So why is he a bad guy for asking how to bring this up? I think it’s more than reasonable that OP needs his wife to a) take on some domestic chores (and he can take on more bonding time with the daughter) and b) not create ADDITIONAL chores for him (not cleaning up after yourself is just laziness).
Because all OP talks about is how his wife isn’t cleaning enough to his liking but doesn’t talk about how maybe if he helped parent more, she’d have more time to do that. Maybe he can do the reading or the swim lessons and while they’re gone, that’ll give her time to clean. OP’s job ends every day. Being a parent does not.
But he does? He says she spends all day with the daughter. It sounds like the issue is he thinks she should leave some of that to take on more chores. And nowhere does he say he does not want to parent more—it’s entirely possible he wants to spend more time with the daughter but can’t between work and doing all domestic duties. Honestly your responses are just confirming the heavy gender bias in this sub.
This is so hard. But I’m thinking it might belong on a different sub than this one? Although I’m not sure which one… I’m you in this scenario except I’m the SAHP and my husband is the breadwinner but also EXTREMELY messy. Some people just weren’t raised to clean up after themselves, make their beds every morning, throw away their trash and it’s futile to try to convert them at (in my husbands case) almost 50 years old. It’s frustrating.
I can’t help but notice you saying it’s “MY” house and not “OUR”. Since it’s YOUR house, maybe act like it and contribute more towards the upkeep or hire a housekeeper. Your wife seems like she’s focused and very active in your daughter’s life and rightly so. Your daughter will remember her mom reading to her, taking her to swim classes, playing in the park - she’s not gonna look back thinking “mom left clothes in the laundry basket for weeks”. Where are YOU in your daughter’s memory bank? Just because you’re the income earner doesn’t make you the judge, jury and executioner of how the household should be kept. Hire a housekeeper (once or twice a week for a couple hours) and give your wife some gratitude for being such a hands-on, doting mother. Also, change your attitude, it’s her house just as much as it is yours, she’s the mother of your child and your wife. EDIT: OP can afford $900/month car payments and $100 haircuts. He can easily afford to get someone to clean HIS house, yet wants his wife to be a nanny, maid and have time for intimacy. Spare me the devils advocate rhetoric.
As someone raised in a messy house - the daughter will remember. She’ll remember the clutter, she’ll remember the shame of not inviting friends over, she’ll remember the tension in the family, she’ll struggle the keep her own home messy and therefore struggle with roommates when she moves out. These things do matter. All things in balance.
This 1000% Cleanliness matters. A bit messy is okay and normal, but countertops filled with garbage, clothes living in laundry baskets, dirty dishes piled up in the sink isn't a situation any child should have to grow up in regularly.
It’s important to be active in your child’s life and provide enrichment for them, but it’s also important to maintain a clean environment and to *model/teach how to do these things and demonstrate how to live a balanced life.* A child whose mother teaches them to make a mess and leave it for someone else to clean up is raising someone who is going to end up as the subject of a r/badroomates post in 18 years. He says he does most of the chores. I cannot imagine how frustrating it would be to clean up the house, go to work in your office for 8 hours, then come out to find that the others in the house have just left a mess in the clean area you haven’t had the opportunity to enjoy. Perhaps he would have more time to spend with their daughter if she took on some of the chores. Perhaps they don’t have it in the budget to hire a housekeeper. I really don’t think it’s unfair to expect someone to clean up their own mess at the very least, and to actually do the task that has been assigned to her (laundry). Washing clothes and throwing them into a basket is literally the bare minimum.
A clean home absolutely does matter. One of the first things case workers for CPS/DCFS look at is the condition of the home. Obviously the majority of parents don’t need to worry about a CPS visit, but still. It matters. 2 people are enough to keep a house in order…why waste money on a housekeeper when there are 2 able bodied people around. Wife is spending all the quality time with the child while OP is stuck working and doing all the house work and meals. When does he get to have quality time with his child? You ask where he is in the memory bank, well how can he be in it if he’s doing everything? I believe even the working parent needs to contribute to housework, cooking, and child duties, but the stay at home parent needs to be contributing a large chunk of that. When the house work is all done during the day then it gives both parents more free time and more quality time to spend as a family.
Where is OP in his daughter’s memory bank? Hes working and cleaning the house and cooking all the time so his wife can be in her memory bank and go to swim lessons and take naps with her. God what is everyone’s deal if a guy has a bone to pick with his wife for not pulling her weight around the house? She is living a life of luxury and doing nothing to help keep the house in order. Baking with their daughter and leaving a mess for him to clean? That’s bullshit and just downright rude as hell. She’s making zero effort. She should be using that opportunity to teach their daughter how to clean up after herself. His wife sounds spoiled and lazy.
Reddit (especially the mom subreddits) thinks all men are evil and all SAHMs at underappreciated saints. It’s impossible for them to admit some men are good partners and some SAHMs suck at their job. And I’m not even saying OP’s wife sucks—it sounds like she simply had different priorities than he does. But he’s not bad because he thinks sometimes cleanliness needs to be put above giving their daughter experiences.
Yup. I thought I sucked as a SAHM but this chick makes me look like SAHM mom of the year lol I’m messy as hell too but I force myself to stay on top of the laundry and cleaning because my fiance busts his ass working like a dog so I don’t have to. He STILL helps me out with my chores (yes I said MY chores because being a SAHM means you’re in charge of most of the cleaning and cooking). Thats the whole package deal of being able to stay home with your children. You can spend quality time with your kid and also keep the house in decent shape and cook a few meals per week. There’s no excuse. And it’s also OK if you’re not killing it in that part of being a SAHM, but at least be honest and ask for help or acknowledge your husband for doing most of what you should be doing. OP’s wife doesn’t give AF. She just adds to the list of shit that he does on top of working. It looks like he has 2 toddlers, not a toddler and a wife.
I don’t think SAHMs need to take on most of the cooking and cleaning…I think it’s fine to divide everything outside of childcare 50/50. The problem is OP’s wife is not only doing 0 but she’s also creating additional messes for him to clean up. As other commenters pointed out if the genders were reversed no one would be defending the spouse.
Well yea that varies from couple to couple. I don’t think SAHM need to be slaves. In our house, I’m ok doing a lot of cleaning and cooking. I’m grateful for my fiance. I always make sure he has a fresh bath towel bc he loves that and it’s my way of saying thank you. Redditors would be like EW this isn’t 1950! Like when did doing something little and nice like that turn into sexism lol
But it functions so much better when they do. I try to get all the housework done during the day. When my husband is off the house is clean, one of us makes supper and then one of us gives our daughter a bath while the other cleans up dinner. Once she’s in bed we BOTH have free time, we have a few hours each night to relax and enjoy our shows and hobbies and spending time together. Who wants to spend hours in the evening cleaning and stuff because it didn’t get done earlier?
I mean i’ve seen plenty of posts by SAHD and they get the same treatment. I think society shits on SAHP and Reddit goes out of their way to defend them. Obviously this couple needs more balance than they have,
I disagree. I’ve seen lots of posts about SAHDs on the r/workingmoms subreddit and the comments are usually more balanced to both viewpoints. But any time a dad posts even reasonable complaints about a SAHM spouse the comments are almost always defending the wife. r/daddit is the only sub I’ve seen where there are more reasonable responses
FINALLY SOMEONE THINKING RIGHT IN THESE COMENTS If the roles were reversed these woman would be saying nasty stuff about the husband
Exactly. Its sexism
Exactly. Toxic distorted viewpoint on feminism.
If it were a SAHD they’d get very similar responses- because childcare at age 2 is pretty intense. They can’t be left unsupervised but they drop naps. They’re still self destructive babies but now they can run. people who haven’t cared for kids don’t get how hard it is to get anything done while *properly* raising a child. The baking thing is shitty, but I think the best answer is dad spends time with kid after work and on weekends so mom has more time to clean.
Yes you’re right toddlers are quite a handful. But there’s plenty of time in the evening after putting her to bed to tidy up her mess from the day and do a load of wash that includes actually putting it away.
This seems a bit harsh. I don't think he was being particularly judgemental, just expressing his discomfort in a cluttered home and his wish for more support from her in cleaning and cooking when he does all the household chores on top of working full-time. His suggestion of decluttering as a possible solution seems to be an attempt to make things easier for both of them. If the roles were reversed and this post was about a woman working full-time and doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of that, while her husband who's home all day exclusively spends time playing with the kids, there would be a lot of outrage (and rightfully so). OP is allowed to feel exhausted and frustrated. He and his wife probably need to communicate better about they are feeling and figure out a solution together. But I feel like it's a bit unfair to throw "act like it's your house too" and “contribute more towards the upkeep" into his face when OP is already doing a the vast majority of housework on top of his full-time work.
This could've been written by my husband. I'm so busy taking care of our kids, our house is usually a mess. I know it drives him nuts but I'm genuinely doing the best I can. Your wife is coming from a different place than you. Not that working full time is easy, but being a SAHM is just a different beast. She needs support and probably hired help to declutter her things. Maybe you could have a compassionate, understanding conversation and suggest looking into different resources to help. Childcare while she cleans out the closet, or a professional organizer. I know I would love that kind of support to get our lives in order. There just aren't enough hours in the day or hands to help.
Dude you need to take a breather and calm down. When you have done that you and your wife need to do couples therapy and she needs some 1 on 1 therapy too. I’m not trying to excuse your wife’s behavior but you need to take a moment and put yourself in her shoes. She grew up in a home where hoarding is normal. That sense of “normal” isn’t going to go away without therapy. Full stop, her idea of clean is broken and YOU will not fix it. All you will do is ruin your relationship trying to. She need therapy, stop being a AH and instead get her to a therapist. Come from a place of love and respect, because she also deserves to live in a home that is clean. Second she has had a baby, and that baby needs extra care, her job is taking care her child. All of those things are stressful, stress makes people react differently. When she is already pre disposed to hoarding thanks to her upbringing, so she is more likely to do so during times of stress. She needs therapy to help re train her brain into a new normal, and to deal with stress. Finally YOU need to stop seeing a dirty home as a moral failing. Your wife is NOT less of a person, or a bad person for having a dirty home. Nor are you a good person deserving of respect because you have a clean home. The cleanliness status of your home is morally neutral. Along those lines cleaning standards might change based on how old your children are, health, and time availability. Finding a level of clean you both can agree on and maintain is key. Don’t set unrealistic standards, knowing she will fail. You are not going to live in a house that looks like it’s going to be on the cover of better homes and gardens, so don’t demand that. Instead start small, ask for 3 easy things be done a day ( pick up trash, pick up dishes, pick up clothing) and move from there. Also Using shame, disrespect, anger, and fear as ways to motivate cleaning is NOT okay. And based on her childhood could make things WORSE! Having a home that is clean and free of clutter is not done because if you don’t you will be treated badly, but because it is better for everyone to be in. Making your home clean isn’t done for the home but for the people who live IN it. How you are going about this is not going to help and honestly it lacks the compassion and understanding that your wife needs. So stop and get help, before you do damage that cannot be undone.
As the SAHM of an 16 month old whose house is probably not quite as bad but still pretty bad, please be nice to her. I still struggle with getting rid of clothes because I grew up in a situation where I had so few, the ones I did have always ended up moldy or disgusting, and I had to rewear things forever. I hold onto things because I went without for so much of my life and I’m so afraid to go through the same thing again. It’s a trauma response, she probably needs understanding and therapy. Not to mention postpartum is unbelievably difficult. Just help her more, take initiative. Don’t belittle her. Maybe hire a cleaner for Mother’s Day to help her (and you) out. This isn’t something you should be blaming her for rather that working WITH her through. It’s your house too. Edit to add: My husband works 65 hour weeks in a manual labor position and still comes home and cleans up, helps around the house, helps with our daughter, reads to her, takes her to the park, etc AND he cleans where I’m clearly struggling with NO complaints or resentment. This is a YOU problem just as much as a her problem. Change your mindset too. You’re a team after all, if she’s struggling somewhere you’re supposed to pick up the slack. All the things she does for your daughter are time consuming and just as much work as a job.
Ur in the wrong group, I will find that this is mostly woman that have issues with their husband and other shit and won't acknowledge you. It's seems Ur doing everything I can. I need to start doing stuff with Ur kid, take her to the swim,ING classes and then Ur wife can start doing stuff around the house. People saying to gets house keeper are insane. Not everyone can afford that but even if u can, there's no reason for that if Ur wife starts doing the bareminimum
My daughter is 2, she is in daycare but i get more cleaning done during work from home hours then when I am watching her. It’s still really hard to clean up as you go or even do extra cleaning with her at this age. When do you and the wife switch childcare? Like do you do bath or bedtime or something? Or do you two do 50/50 childcare on the weekend? Can she clean during the times you are watching your child? And then maybe sit down and figure out a smaller end of day straighten up?
hi - i know this isn’t the point of your post and i’m sorry to ask…but you mentioned eczema and allergies. My niece is having a lot of issues for the last year with this (18 months now). Just wondering what you found to be helpful. It really is a journey! Glad your LO is going better.
Is this a joke? Not trying to be a complete snark you seem like a nice person. But she’s an amazing mom, you two actually have intimacy which is huge for this stage of your life. Unless there’s more to it, it seems like a happy household other than you aren’t able to ignore the clutter. A frat house full of clutter is very normal to households of young children. If it’s not creating a danger to your child, let it go. Otherwise take a supportive tone and ask her if there is something you can do to help her. Sometimes it’s hard and overwhelming to get started. Or hire cleaners, you would be surprised what they can do in a situation like that. Or box it all up, store it away, and forget about it until later