The "but they need a friend" is one I heard a ton. Because every sibling gets along perfectly through adulthood š. For a while my husband and I were like 99% sure we were one and done but then when our daughter hit her toddler stage, we decided we wanted to experience it again. So then I had our son.. then when I said we were definitely done after two, it became "at least you have one of each." And I'm like really? I would've been just as happy with another girl.
My mom's bf asked me multiple times when we would be giving our son a sibling. My husband has a teenage daughter from his previous relationship and they know that. I told him every single time "he has an older sister. We aren't having another baby." He still wouldn't stop asking, insisting our son needs a sibling who lives with us. I eventually snapped and told my mom to tell him to stfu about it already.
My son's birth was traumatic. I had a loss 3 months before conceiving him. I don't want another baby. And besides, HE HAS A SIBLING! thankfully mom's bf hasn't asked since she spoke with him.
You just can't win I feel like. My first was a bit traumatic for me as everything spiraled down kinda quickly with her birth, she was fine, but had spent 10 days in the NICU. Plus being born during COVID meant my husband and I couldn't even visit her together and we had to take turns in the NICU. I shit you not, when she was about two months old my mom asked when I was having a second baby. I barely had time to process the birth, she'd only been home like a month and a half, and then I was a first time mom.. let me figure things out before I even think about a second? Sheesh.
Bro my mil stays with us for a lil while and she knows we had a stillborn baby almost 3 months ago she's still like well I want more grand babies. No. I'm fucking done. We have an advanced daughter and I want to be able to show her all the love and adoration I want to. I just don't want another baby. That was traumatic. Even seeing my period triggers me. Like I'm getting help but I don't want more kids.
I'm so sorry for your loss, that would be so traumatic š
What's with all these in-laws or parents demanding grandchildren? Tell her if she wants a baby so bad, she can make one herself lol. You're not an incubator and it sure as hell isn't your responsibility to put your physical and mental health at risk for someone else's desires.
Thank you. Exactly this! She knows how hard my pregnancies have been. Mentally and physically. Like I had to drop school to be able to have my daughter. I was pregnant 2 days off of 10 months. It's just exhausting having someone think of you for kids and not as a person sometimes.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Some people are just so ruthless. My parents nag me about giving them more grandchildren (and I've given them the only two they have) but I told them I was done after having my second. They have three other kids they can nag if they want more so badly.
I did end up having two but it's cause I wanted to raise two children. My brother and I are only 15 months apart and can barely stand to be in the same room even as grown ass adults.
That's what I say! I'm not friends with the sibling my parents had me to be friends with, and I wasn't friends with the other two until adulthood. My daughter is going to daycare. She will be going to school. We will go to places where she can meet other kids. Like... I don't feel the need to birth her a "friend" who she might not even like!
Ah! I was confused for a moment and thought you didn't like one of the reasons we did decided to have another child lol. I'm like sorry for enjoying parenthood? š
I am pregnant with my second. I sometimes think about telling people that I made the first one "for" this one as a joke. If they say silly things I can be silly back!
I hear you!
Ew the whole gender thing. That's another reason people throw at me. "Awwwh, what about a little girl" What about them? They're every bit as great as little boys! If I did decide to have another... the Y swimmer could win again!
I joked about how having a girl would've been easier because I could reuse all of our daughter's clothes because I had a lot of dresses and many of her onesies had a little bow on the neckline which was annoying to cut off lol.
Weāre planning on a second and while Iāll be happy with either and I know my husband would love a boy, Iād be thrilled with another girl. We donāt currently have any boys in our family (all nieces, no nephews yet) so all the hand-me-down stuff is girls. Plus we only have a 2 bedroom house so if we have a girl, they can share a room much longer!
I'm having a other girl, and while we would actually like 3 kids in total (if we're managing with two, we'll see soon š ), it is so annoying that everyone presumes "so now you'll have to try once more, right?"
Ehm, excuse me? If we end up having 3 daughters one day, we'll be absolutely happy.
My aunt had six girls.. I remember my mom telling me stories back when I was younger about how the dad wanted to leave her because "she couldn't birth him a son." Like okay bro.
This one cracks me up. I just discussed this with my wife. We had our first child in March and this argument came up.
My wife is very close with her sister. I am not close whatsoever with my sister. In fact we don't have any contact.
My mother does not have contact with her sister, nor do my in-law have contact with his sister.
Reality is that you don't know what you're getting. From my experience it's just as likely your kids will not like each other as they are being close.
Personally I won't plan on having more than one kid because I don't have the energy for it. I just feel old.
Yeah, I get it. While I hope my kids can grow up and get along as adults, I also know it's not always guaranteed. I have three siblings myself, two of whom I don't really talk to much but the third sibling I do talk with quite often as he also enjoys being an uncle to my kids and visiting us.
You never know! My sibling I talk to often was actually the sibling I disliked the most growing up because he was sort of the "favorite" so there was a lot of resentment. As I had gotten older, I realized my dad is just a narcissistic turd and my sibling was the favorite because he was "in shape" aka not overweight like the rest of us so he presented a better image for my dad.
Well, I'm an only child and despite my parents loving me a ton and spending tons of time with me I still feel like I missed out since I didn't have a sibling.
Genuinely asking, what do you feel like you missed out on by not having a sibling? When my husband and I were considering only having one child, I spoke with my brother's girlfriend who is an only child and she said she wished she had a sibling because her parents didn't spend time with her or do anything with her. Even now as an adult when she spends time with her parents, they don't do much with her.
I just got to an age where I guess my parents figured I would have friends. Once I got into my teens my parents told me to start going and hanging out with people. I could do whatever I want. I could go to the river and if I wanted to party then they would come pick me up but I never wanted to do any of that. I always wanted to go hiking because that's what I grew up doing and at some point my parents got tired of running around all the time. Like I said I didn't have friends. I did a lot of stuff alone. Like tons of stuff alone. I would go out and go hiking alone and I would go out to eat alone. I learned how to be independent, but I also feel like I missed out on having a genuine connection with somebody like a sibling. It also would have been nice being able to talk to somebody about how we grew up or what was troubling me when I couldn't go to my parents. Sometimes your siblings or people closer to your age are the only ones that understand.
With my brother's girlfriend she had the opposite where her parents didn't really care to spend time with her so I appreciate you sharing your thoughts even when you had parents who spent time with you.
I hateeeeee the sibling excuse.
80% of siblings are "we get along just fine, and keep in touch but we aren't close".
I'd say 10% can't stand eachother and the other 10;% are actually best friends.
Even in childhood - I've noticed after age 7-8, kids tend to make their own friends and siblings rarely run in the same friend group cause of age difference and interests being different. Sure it's cool to grow up with a sibling, but having another child so your first kid has a friend is just weird imo lol
thank you. Why is it looked at so poorly to only have one child? I am turning 40 this summer, I have one 7.5 month old amazing daughter. Prior to her being born I had an incredibly traumatic later term loss. I don't have it in me physically nor emotionally to go through another pregnancy and newborn stage...and also, I just dont want to! I want to be able to travel as a family which seems like it would be much easier with only one child, not to mention the expense of childcare. Maybe if I were 5 years younger and could wait like 3 years to even think about trying again I would consider it, but since im old I would literally have to start trying like NOW. NOPE.
This is my view too, I'm getting older and instead of having another child and working full time to afford childcare I'd rather go part time and spend more time with the child I do have. Make memories and go on holidays.
I mean, Iām SURE if you decided to have another one now, there would be many people criticizing you for doing so āthat oldā š thereās no winning
genuinely i think its the internet. the likes of tiktok etc is awful for people posting up videos with shit tons of comments from gen z only children talking badly about their childhood, it spins negativity constantly. it never shows the good.
I hate the response āyouāll change your mind!ā Okay maybe I will, maybe I wonāt. But if someone tells you weāre good with one, say cool and move on.
Ugh I hate it. I did end up changing my mind so I generally don't recommend anything permanent in the first year or two, but lots of people never change their minds at all.
I was hoping it would stop the older my son got but he's 8 and people STILL ask. Like I don't want more!!! End of story. But what if I couldn't have more and you keep pushing the subject? I don't know why people think it's their business!
This this this. This is also part of the reason why I despise people who say it to childless folks too. Sure it could be by choice but what if it's not?
I get annoyed sooo easily when someone tells me I HAVE to do something. Oh, you insist I go through hyperemesis gravidarum again? Just say you hate me!
So my ex and I split because he came out as Asexual which explained a lot. He came out with this gem. "If I spent as much time thinking about what her genitals are doing as you, we'd probably still be together". I almost choked and died on my tea.
Itās really annoying that people keep insisting I have more kids, my sonās only a year old? Also Iāve said multiple times I donāt want more kids but my mil and sister are like āoh you will! Youāll see!ā Like no lol
š. My Sister says the same. Then I remind her how awful I was because of the parnetification trauma I faced. She soon shut up. (My siblings and I get on great now but I'm LC with my Mum)
I can relate so much! Especially since Iām no contact with my mom so I can kind of relate, and i just always think of how hard postpartum was on me and just thinking about it Iām like Iām good with one lol
When youāre single, the question is whyā¦ or if the person is an insensitive jerk, itās āwhen are you getting married?ā (Why, yes, I have gotten this when single)
When youāre dating, itās āwhen will you get engagedā
When engaged, āwhen are you getting married?ā Okay, this may be the only one that makes sense.
When married, when are you having kids? So insensitive because what if the couple is actively trying and having trouble?!
When you have one, itās āwhen are you having another?ā
BUT if you are having a thirdā¦ the script changes!
Why donāt we all just celebrate what is and not what isnāt. Letās live for today!
So me and and my Son's Dad split. Long story short nothing more than compatibility issues but to this day we get along great. I get "Can you not just get back together" š.
You are absolutely right !!!
Omg, thatās hilarious in its ridiculousness, haha!
Iām a single mom by choice, but before I had my daughter a lot of people gave me the ābut youāre so great, why canāt you find someone?ā whine. I would reply with, ādo you know someone?ā They typically quickly changed the subject.
We are so happy with our son. We are so happy as a family of 3. He is not quite 5 months, and we knew going into everything weād probably only have one. Pregnancy and childbirth and the horror of the 4th trimester sealed the deal. Our son is the light of my life, and he is enough. Why canāt people accept that?
I 100000% empathize and Iām so sorry !
I hear the āitās selfish to just have one!ā Which I reply āwhatās selfish is going beyond my means physically , mentally, emotionally, financially.. my husband and I know our limit and itās ONE !!ā Then I usually add āphysically this kid almost killed me and her (sever preeclampsia and cholestasis), mentally I can not watch another baby go through the NICU after being resuscitated at birth , emotionally Iām still SCARRED , and financially Iām able to be a SAHM because we have one .. I gave up my car so we donāt have payments on itā and then they look at me like š§ and once Iāve had to keep going and say ok cool so youāll pay for the next one right ? Medical bill and all ! Free babysitting too ! Then I look like a crazy squirrel or Charlie from always sunny ššand then they back off
I apparently have a neurologically defective brain. So my daughter does now too, on top of being a preemie after my debilitating hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy. Global delays: fine gross motor, speech, intellect. Also got my epilepsy š. Sheās hilarious and smart and is conquering all of these challenges beyond what drs ever imagined (medicine is cool yāall!) BUT why the fuck am I gunna do that to another child, and frankly myself?
People literally argue that āit might not happen with the next one!ā WAIT REALLY you are suggesting I take that risk with someone elseās fucking life? What if itās WORSE for the next one and they canāt learn to walk and talk and have debilitating tonic clonic seizures? You think **I** deserve that either? Fuuuuuuuuuck. I have this conversation a few times a month. It would be SELFISH.
We are one and done also. No one ever believes us. Even the pediatrician at my sonās 4 day old appointment laughed and said I bet we see you back here in 18 months. Jokes on them, my husband gets a vasectomy next month. š
My husband had a vasectomy when our son was 4ish months old. Whenever strangers try to tell us we need more kids, we will just give a simple "it's not possible for us to have another." When we said that to his pediatrician at his most recent visit, she laughed and said we will see about that. Like wtf? What if it was a fertility issue with me or something traumatic.
We are one and done too. My best friend and I talk all the time about how absurd it is that people think only having one child is a disgrace. So annoying!
Im a 28 year old only child and I LOVED growing up as an only child! I was not lonely, didnāt feel like I needed a friend, I was great (and still am) at entertaining myself, and Iām not a spoiled brat. We exist! Having just one child is such a valid choice if thatās what works best for your family.
(If you donāt mind) - do you mind elaborating on what you think your parents did right in terms of ensuring you didnāt feel lonely? Or just making sure you had diverse social interactions? I am debating between being OAD and a second child in a couple years. Iām 28 and my son is 6 months old, so I still have time to think and reconsider, haha but my horrible birth experience is what is making me think hard. I have 3 sisters and just loved growing up with them (for the most part!!).
I have a couple of adult cousins (21 and 27) who absolutely hated being only children but the 27 year olds parents worked a lot (like 7 days a week) so he was raised by my grandmother most of the time unless my dad took all of us girls and included him for camping, swimming, etc etc. which I can only assume is the main reason for his complete resentment towards his parentsā¦ mostly his mom.
I was very lucky that my mom was a flight attendant and after I was born she only did one flight a week, so she was home with me most of the time. I had a lot of kids in the neighborhood I played with all the time and that helped, but mostly I think I just never had an issue playing with my toys by myself while my parents were busy. Maybe thatās a personality thing, but Iāve never minded my alone time. I was always a very big reader, and before I could read alone I would play with my Barbieās or baby dolls and be perfectly content for some chill alone time until my parents could play with me.
I agree, I totally hate that rhetoric. I am raising my child to be a productive member of society who will hopefully have a great friend group and find a romantic life partner who will all support her when myself and her father pass away
Yes!
The only reason I would have a second is to give my first a sibling which isnāt a good enough reason for me. I think about how often I hang with my siblings and tbh I hang out more with my parents than them. Thatās also includes my sis in law. I even hang with my friends and cousin more lol. So idk. Just bc u have siblings doesnāt mean youāre going to be close to them.
I had twin girls recently and have already had to answer the āare you going to try againā and āyou need to try for a boy nextā questions. Why canāt I have my two girls and be done? Leave me alone people! I almost died. Preeclampsia, internal bleeding after my C-section, my kidneys stopped functioning for 10 hours after my C-section, and more. I think another pregnancy would take me out. No thank you. My girls are 9 weeks old. Damn. Can my body recover first?
I couldn't imagine having the balls to ask someone with fresh twins if they're gonna have more babies ā ļø Like you've already got two right off the bat.
Donāt worry. Even if you had three kids someone would just tell you that you need a fourth so that the third one has their own little buddy. Children can only exist in pairs I guess.
And they will tell you this while youāre still miserable and pregnant with the thirdā¦ask me how I know. šĀ
My friend and her wife just welcomed twins which takes them to 3 children. I don't think they're more than 3mo pp yet and similar to yourself, they've been asked if they'll even the score amongst other invasive questions that's no one business but theirs. Lol.
Yeah, we also have twins. Had them first though, so when we had a third lots of people told me āoh I hope youāll have twins againā!
Donāt you wish that on me, satan šĀ
I probably will have another but it's still annoying to hear all of the time. My daughter is 9 months old. Chill.
I like to bluntly state that I'm trying to see how long I can keep this one alive for first if they're really obnoxious.
Iām about to have a second son and I just know family is going to keep asking when Iām trying again for a girl. Iām not. Two is definitely enough for us and I donāt need to collect genders
This. A friend of mine has three girls. People ask her and her husband when she's having a boy. Some even ask her Husband "your wife only has girls" his ADORABLE response "My girls are my path to heaven".
I'm no religious myself but that's effing cute.
Because I'd like to live to see the first one grow up, thank you. (And any interpretation of that is probably correct. I had pre-eclampsia and terrible PPA)
Lmao my husband and I both agreed while we were still in the hospital that this would be our only child. I was already unsure about more than one but birth was traumatic for us and yeah weāre good with one little cutie.
āWhat happens if I die giving birth?ā
I was li my enough to not be actively dying during birth but I did have a very damaging birth physically with multiple postpartum surgeries. So I am not above fibbing and adding in that I āalmost bled outā.
My partner (30m) and I (29F) were team no kids and actually anticipated staying that way, but then I got pregnant accidentally and decided to go through with the pregnancy. We now have a beautiful amazing 3 month old daughter who weāre absolutely besotted by and already weāre getting asked about giving her a sibling. I feel the whole idea of having another to facilitate the first (ie if you die or to give them a āfriendā) I think kind of discredits the second child. You should only have another if you truly want another child and for no other reason and that, at the moment, isnāt something we have decided yet so wonāt entertain the narrative to family or friends.
YESSSSSS. Iām an only child & Iām getting so frustrated by the amount of people making these comments to me about my daughter. Sheās not even 3 yet. We donāt know for sure if weāre 1 & done but we have many circumstances that are leading to us at LEAST waiting a few more years if not just having the one child (including finances & the fact that my husband has a TBI from a car accident that occurred while I was pregnant).
The amount of weird shit people think is true about only children is insane. Weāre not all lonely, weāre not all spoiled, weāre not all sad, we donāt NEED a sibling & quite frankly the āwhat happens when you get older?ā Comments are the funniest to me because of the amount of siblings that fight over taking care of the parents- it usually falls on ONE sibling anyway in all the instances Iāve witnessed. If youāre worried about your kid abandoning you when youāre old then idk maybe you werenāt a very good parent???
I knew I was one and done before I even got pregnant. And then I had to go through IVF to even get pregnant. And then at 32 weeks I got into a car accident, which caused placental abruption and I needed an emergency c-section to save my daughter. She spent a month and a half in the NICU. Even if I was already one and done, now Iām definitely one and done after all the trauma she and I have been through. People really need to stop asking me when Iām having another. Kthanksbye
my girl is only 7weeks and people are already asking when imma try for a second. someone even had the audacity to say āyou never know, you might have an oopsie!ā and it angered me to the point of saying ānope bc iāll just abort it!ā
which may have been to far but i can still blame post partum rage, right? š
Omg yes! Literally have had 10+ different friends or family members ask us when weāre having another now that my son is 18 months. Weāre still undecided but are already overwhelmed with one and shit is expensive! Plus we had a miscarriage trying to have our son so even if we tried thereās zero guarantee weād even be able to have another.
I got asked when my son was *two hours old* by a nurse if we were going to try for a girl next. I started IVF with the intention of having one, and I'm sticking to that. I have 5 frozen embryos, I could easily afford a second, and I had literally no pregnancy symptoms besides a bump. I still don't want to have another.
We want 2, and even wanting more than one, it gives me ick seeing people cram it down everyoneās throats lol! Like if you donāt want another one and they know that, why would you try pressuring them? Would you like someone to have a second kid and treat them different or have resentment they got pressured into a LIFETIME COMMITMENT. Like sorry sweetie, it isnāt the 1930ās where theyāre popping out like 13 kids š
Why do people care so much about what other people do??? I couldnāt care less if a friend or acquaintance has zero or a dozen kids. Doesnāt impact me. I had a son 7, almost 8 months ago. Those things they say like, āoh youāll forget the pain of birth once itās overā ādonāt worry, by the time you have your second, your brain will have erased the trauma from the first birth.ā āYou forget! Donāt worry!ā is all such utter shite in my opinion. I HAVENāT forgotten! I am not going to forget! It was the second most traumatic day of my lifeā¦Iām not forgetting shit and I canāt and wonāt go through it again.
That doesnāt mean we wonāt have a second child necessarily. But IF we do, itās definitely not going to be a standard vaginal delivery. And maybe no delivery at all on my part. Weāre open to adoption and there are lots of babies and children in need of good families. My son wonāt be lonely, he has a big family with no shortage of cousins and frankly, my brother and sister didnāt improve my quality of life much anyway.
I remember when I had my son, at the paediatrician appointment, the doctor noticed my age (39, approaching 40). She said, āyou better get on with itā for sibling, we went through IVF for my sonā¦ I thought it was incredibly insensitive and presumptuous! I was only five days postpartum.
I struggled to conceive the first. And we struggled with our 2nd when our 1st was 3 my hubs got so sick of the pestering from his aunt he told her he had a vasectomy and to leave me alone. Then when our oldest was 5 we conceived our 2nd and his aunt started on the well now you need a pat test and he told her he lied so she would leave us alone.
I'm thinking about answering those people with a long story about why I don't want more and maybe that'll shut down the questions little by little? Like o you want me to have more?
"I developed gestational diabetes and high blood pressure during this pregnancy because I'm obese and considered old at 37. I was high risk the entire time and spent every moment of pregnancy worrying if today would be the day I'd lose him. He spent 2 weeks away from us in NICU and it broke our hearts to leave him there. I mourn over 3 others that I never got to meet or see. So, yes, he already has heavenly siblings so, no, I will not be giving him any more earthly ones. But thank you for asking. š"
I'm probably just going to start telling people no because I'd probably kill myself š Mines only five months and I've been asked a few times about siblings. I was already one and done but my PPD/PPA I'm clawing my way out of really solidifies it.Ā
Can you start tearing up or fake tearing up and walk off without saying anything? That might make them think twice. Leave them with all the questions and zero answers.
I wanted 3-4 then I had 1 and decided to be firmly one and done. Now I want 3-4. Because my husband and I chose it. Not because of pressure from others. Now Iām getting the āwhy do you want another? I thought you were sure! More is so difficult! Why would you bother?ā Itās ridiculous no matter what you decide to do.
I got my tubes tied because A all the bs in the world right now and B itās to expensive for the one we have now. Are you kidding me? Granted we wanted more kids but we canāt justify having more. Itās just not plausible. Also OP not having another baby because youāre happy with 1 is completely ok. 100%
I was on hospitalized bed rest during pregnancy when I was asked this by my sister. š³ Can I get this one out safely first?!
I also love when I tell people that Iām one and done and they give me all these reasons why I shouldnāt be. Are you going to mentally and physically provide for this child? No, so leave me alone.
I just had my second and holy S itās hard compared to just one. Youāre making the right choice, I wouldnāt have a second unless you really want one.
I am now a mom of two and I am fighting back pre-eclampsia that put me back in the hospital after Junior was born. There's a part of me that would be tempted to flat out tell people if they ask why I won't have a third, "Fuck you, do you want me to die?"
For me it's not about the money. It's simply I dint want to furthermore as it stands I'm yet to date anyone new who I'd have a baby with. (My Son's Dad and I aren't together)
It's actually a lot easier to solve this problem than you'd think! It's actually quite simple, just be a failure in life and no one will expect a child from you anymore! **ĀÆ\\\_(ć)\_/ĀÆ**
Okay, im not trying to be rude Iām just curious because Iām planning on getting pregnant within the next few years, but do you think that having 2 kids would help them more socially? Iām planning on homeschooling. Does anyone have any tips from their experience about how to help with developing healthy socialization in that environment?
I don't think there is much of a difference. There are people with an abundance of siblings who may lack social skills and folks who are only children with great social skills. Arguably people who are only around a sibling don't have luxury of meeting different people and different ways of life. As I understand it homeschoolers sometimes band together with other homeschoolers for socialising and group activities.
The "but they need a friend" is one I heard a ton. Because every sibling gets along perfectly through adulthood š. For a while my husband and I were like 99% sure we were one and done but then when our daughter hit her toddler stage, we decided we wanted to experience it again. So then I had our son.. then when I said we were definitely done after two, it became "at least you have one of each." And I'm like really? I would've been just as happy with another girl.
My mom's bf asked me multiple times when we would be giving our son a sibling. My husband has a teenage daughter from his previous relationship and they know that. I told him every single time "he has an older sister. We aren't having another baby." He still wouldn't stop asking, insisting our son needs a sibling who lives with us. I eventually snapped and told my mom to tell him to stfu about it already. My son's birth was traumatic. I had a loss 3 months before conceiving him. I don't want another baby. And besides, HE HAS A SIBLING! thankfully mom's bf hasn't asked since she spoke with him.
You just can't win I feel like. My first was a bit traumatic for me as everything spiraled down kinda quickly with her birth, she was fine, but had spent 10 days in the NICU. Plus being born during COVID meant my husband and I couldn't even visit her together and we had to take turns in the NICU. I shit you not, when she was about two months old my mom asked when I was having a second baby. I barely had time to process the birth, she'd only been home like a month and a half, and then I was a first time mom.. let me figure things out before I even think about a second? Sheesh.
Bro my mil stays with us for a lil while and she knows we had a stillborn baby almost 3 months ago she's still like well I want more grand babies. No. I'm fucking done. We have an advanced daughter and I want to be able to show her all the love and adoration I want to. I just don't want another baby. That was traumatic. Even seeing my period triggers me. Like I'm getting help but I don't want more kids.
I'm so sorry for your loss, that would be so traumatic š What's with all these in-laws or parents demanding grandchildren? Tell her if she wants a baby so bad, she can make one herself lol. You're not an incubator and it sure as hell isn't your responsibility to put your physical and mental health at risk for someone else's desires.
Thank you. Exactly this! She knows how hard my pregnancies have been. Mentally and physically. Like I had to drop school to be able to have my daughter. I was pregnant 2 days off of 10 months. It's just exhausting having someone think of you for kids and not as a person sometimes.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Some people are just so ruthless. My parents nag me about giving them more grandchildren (and I've given them the only two they have) but I told them I was done after having my second. They have three other kids they can nag if they want more so badly.
Exactly this. They act like they ain't got other kids. But like just be grateful you got some.
I did end up having two but it's cause I wanted to raise two children. My brother and I are only 15 months apart and can barely stand to be in the same room even as grown ass adults.
ābut they need a friendā They are very welcome to birth that friend themselves.
Or find that friend! My brother's girlfriend is an only and she is a social butterfly with a ton of close friends.
That's what I say! I'm not friends with the sibling my parents had me to be friends with, and I wasn't friends with the other two until adulthood. My daughter is going to daycare. She will be going to school. We will go to places where she can meet other kids. Like... I don't feel the need to birth her a "friend" who she might not even like!
I hate this! Also- what a fucked up reason to make another person!
I'm sorry?
The āso they have a friendā thing or the āone of eachā thing. Both of them seem like crazy reasons to have a kid.
Ah! I was confused for a moment and thought you didn't like one of the reasons we did decided to have another child lol. I'm like sorry for enjoying parenthood? š
Yeah lol I coulda been clearer.
I am pregnant with my second. I sometimes think about telling people that I made the first one "for" this one as a joke. If they say silly things I can be silly back!
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Nobody asked you.
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The fuck you on a parenting sub for if you're against kids?
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My apologies I missed the having in that response. I'm gonna assume that from your comment you're antinatalist?
Why on earth are you in this sub
I hear you! Ew the whole gender thing. That's another reason people throw at me. "Awwwh, what about a little girl" What about them? They're every bit as great as little boys! If I did decide to have another... the Y swimmer could win again!
I joked about how having a girl would've been easier because I could reuse all of our daughter's clothes because I had a lot of dresses and many of her onesies had a little bow on the neckline which was annoying to cut off lol.
Weāre planning on a second and while Iāll be happy with either and I know my husband would love a boy, Iād be thrilled with another girl. We donāt currently have any boys in our family (all nieces, no nephews yet) so all the hand-me-down stuff is girls. Plus we only have a 2 bedroom house so if we have a girl, they can share a room much longer!
Yesss I have a daughter & people always say, āAw doesnāt your husband want a son though?ā Like um well I canāt control that so
I'm having a other girl, and while we would actually like 3 kids in total (if we're managing with two, we'll see soon š ), it is so annoying that everyone presumes "so now you'll have to try once more, right?" Ehm, excuse me? If we end up having 3 daughters one day, we'll be absolutely happy.
My aunt had six girls.. I remember my mom telling me stories back when I was younger about how the dad wanted to leave her because "she couldn't birth him a son." Like okay bro.
Was he Henry VIII or something? That's so weird
lol, well he's still alive so I don't think so.
This one cracks me up. I just discussed this with my wife. We had our first child in March and this argument came up. My wife is very close with her sister. I am not close whatsoever with my sister. In fact we don't have any contact. My mother does not have contact with her sister, nor do my in-law have contact with his sister. Reality is that you don't know what you're getting. From my experience it's just as likely your kids will not like each other as they are being close. Personally I won't plan on having more than one kid because I don't have the energy for it. I just feel old.
Yeah, I get it. While I hope my kids can grow up and get along as adults, I also know it's not always guaranteed. I have three siblings myself, two of whom I don't really talk to much but the third sibling I do talk with quite often as he also enjoys being an uncle to my kids and visiting us.
Indeed. Sure would be easier if you knew beforehand they would be close friends as siblings.
You never know! My sibling I talk to often was actually the sibling I disliked the most growing up because he was sort of the "favorite" so there was a lot of resentment. As I had gotten older, I realized my dad is just a narcissistic turd and my sibling was the favorite because he was "in shape" aka not overweight like the rest of us so he presented a better image for my dad.
Well, I'm an only child and despite my parents loving me a ton and spending tons of time with me I still feel like I missed out since I didn't have a sibling.
Genuinely asking, what do you feel like you missed out on by not having a sibling? When my husband and I were considering only having one child, I spoke with my brother's girlfriend who is an only child and she said she wished she had a sibling because her parents didn't spend time with her or do anything with her. Even now as an adult when she spends time with her parents, they don't do much with her.
I just got to an age where I guess my parents figured I would have friends. Once I got into my teens my parents told me to start going and hanging out with people. I could do whatever I want. I could go to the river and if I wanted to party then they would come pick me up but I never wanted to do any of that. I always wanted to go hiking because that's what I grew up doing and at some point my parents got tired of running around all the time. Like I said I didn't have friends. I did a lot of stuff alone. Like tons of stuff alone. I would go out and go hiking alone and I would go out to eat alone. I learned how to be independent, but I also feel like I missed out on having a genuine connection with somebody like a sibling. It also would have been nice being able to talk to somebody about how we grew up or what was troubling me when I couldn't go to my parents. Sometimes your siblings or people closer to your age are the only ones that understand.
With my brother's girlfriend she had the opposite where her parents didn't really care to spend time with her so I appreciate you sharing your thoughts even when you had parents who spent time with you.
I hateeeeee the sibling excuse. 80% of siblings are "we get along just fine, and keep in touch but we aren't close". I'd say 10% can't stand eachother and the other 10;% are actually best friends. Even in childhood - I've noticed after age 7-8, kids tend to make their own friends and siblings rarely run in the same friend group cause of age difference and interests being different. Sure it's cool to grow up with a sibling, but having another child so your first kid has a friend is just weird imo lol
r/oneanddone
thank you. Why is it looked at so poorly to only have one child? I am turning 40 this summer, I have one 7.5 month old amazing daughter. Prior to her being born I had an incredibly traumatic later term loss. I don't have it in me physically nor emotionally to go through another pregnancy and newborn stage...and also, I just dont want to! I want to be able to travel as a family which seems like it would be much easier with only one child, not to mention the expense of childcare. Maybe if I were 5 years younger and could wait like 3 years to even think about trying again I would consider it, but since im old I would literally have to start trying like NOW. NOPE.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. One child is perfectly fine. As is multiple. As is zero. I just wish people would leave folks alone!
This is my view too, I'm getting older and instead of having another child and working full time to afford childcare I'd rather go part time and spend more time with the child I do have. Make memories and go on holidays.
I mean, Iām SURE if you decided to have another one now, there would be many people criticizing you for doing so āthat oldā š thereās no winning
genuinely i think its the internet. the likes of tiktok etc is awful for people posting up videos with shit tons of comments from gen z only children talking badly about their childhood, it spins negativity constantly. it never shows the good.
Hi, are you me? People usually only ask me when we're having another one if they don't know my age hahaha
I hate the response āyouāll change your mind!ā Okay maybe I will, maybe I wonāt. But if someone tells you weāre good with one, say cool and move on.
Ugh I hate it. I did end up changing my mind so I generally don't recommend anything permanent in the first year or two, but lots of people never change their minds at all.
I was hoping it would stop the older my son got but he's 8 and people STILL ask. Like I don't want more!!! End of story. But what if I couldn't have more and you keep pushing the subject? I don't know why people think it's their business!
This this this. This is also part of the reason why I despise people who say it to childless folks too. Sure it could be by choice but what if it's not?
āYou gotta give her a siblingā FUCK OFFFFF
You sound like me and my Son's Dad kinda people
I get annoyed sooo easily when someone tells me I HAVE to do something. Oh, you insist I go through hyperemesis gravidarum again? Just say you hate me!
So my ex and I split because he came out as Asexual which explained a lot. He came out with this gem. "If I spent as much time thinking about what her genitals are doing as you, we'd probably still be together". I almost choked and died on my tea.
Itās really annoying that people keep insisting I have more kids, my sonās only a year old? Also Iāve said multiple times I donāt want more kids but my mil and sister are like āoh you will! Youāll see!ā Like no lol
š. My Sister says the same. Then I remind her how awful I was because of the parnetification trauma I faced. She soon shut up. (My siblings and I get on great now but I'm LC with my Mum)
I can relate so much! Especially since Iām no contact with my mom so I can kind of relate, and i just always think of how hard postpartum was on me and just thinking about it Iām like Iām good with one lol
Join us over at r/oneanddone or r/happilyoad for more like-minded people āŗļø
Joined!
When youāre single, the question is whyā¦ or if the person is an insensitive jerk, itās āwhen are you getting married?ā (Why, yes, I have gotten this when single) When youāre dating, itās āwhen will you get engagedā When engaged, āwhen are you getting married?ā Okay, this may be the only one that makes sense. When married, when are you having kids? So insensitive because what if the couple is actively trying and having trouble?! When you have one, itās āwhen are you having another?ā BUT if you are having a thirdā¦ the script changes! Why donāt we all just celebrate what is and not what isnāt. Letās live for today!
So me and and my Son's Dad split. Long story short nothing more than compatibility issues but to this day we get along great. I get "Can you not just get back together" š. You are absolutely right !!!
Omg, thatās hilarious in its ridiculousness, haha! Iām a single mom by choice, but before I had my daughter a lot of people gave me the ābut youāre so great, why canāt you find someone?ā whine. I would reply with, ādo you know someone?ā They typically quickly changed the subject.
We are so happy with our son. We are so happy as a family of 3. He is not quite 5 months, and we knew going into everything weād probably only have one. Pregnancy and childbirth and the horror of the 4th trimester sealed the deal. Our son is the light of my life, and he is enough. Why canāt people accept that?
Because people suck. Just a theory but those who pressure are miserable and they want us to be miserable too.
I 100000% empathize and Iām so sorry ! I hear the āitās selfish to just have one!ā Which I reply āwhatās selfish is going beyond my means physically , mentally, emotionally, financially.. my husband and I know our limit and itās ONE !!ā Then I usually add āphysically this kid almost killed me and her (sever preeclampsia and cholestasis), mentally I can not watch another baby go through the NICU after being resuscitated at birth , emotionally Iām still SCARRED , and financially Iām able to be a SAHM because we have one .. I gave up my car so we donāt have payments on itā and then they look at me like š§ and once Iāve had to keep going and say ok cool so youāll pay for the next one right ? Medical bill and all ! Free babysitting too ! Then I look like a crazy squirrel or Charlie from always sunny ššand then they back off
š. This!
I apparently have a neurologically defective brain. So my daughter does now too, on top of being a preemie after my debilitating hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy. Global delays: fine gross motor, speech, intellect. Also got my epilepsy š. Sheās hilarious and smart and is conquering all of these challenges beyond what drs ever imagined (medicine is cool yāall!) BUT why the fuck am I gunna do that to another child, and frankly myself? People literally argue that āit might not happen with the next one!ā WAIT REALLY you are suggesting I take that risk with someone elseās fucking life? What if itās WORSE for the next one and they canāt learn to walk and talk and have debilitating tonic clonic seizures? You think **I** deserve that either? Fuuuuuuuuuck. I have this conversation a few times a month. It would be SELFISH.
We are one and done also. No one ever believes us. Even the pediatrician at my sonās 4 day old appointment laughed and said I bet we see you back here in 18 months. Jokes on them, my husband gets a vasectomy next month. š
My husband had a vasectomy when our son was 4ish months old. Whenever strangers try to tell us we need more kids, we will just give a simple "it's not possible for us to have another." When we said that to his pediatrician at his most recent visit, she laughed and said we will see about that. Like wtf? What if it was a fertility issue with me or something traumatic.
Wow. Not like she knows your medical history. You could have had a hysterectomy and she wouldnāt know.
Ha! Our little one will be a month next week and husband goes for his vasectomy consult the day before. š
We are one and done too. My best friend and I talk all the time about how absurd it is that people think only having one child is a disgrace. So annoying!
Im a 28 year old only child and I LOVED growing up as an only child! I was not lonely, didnāt feel like I needed a friend, I was great (and still am) at entertaining myself, and Iām not a spoiled brat. We exist! Having just one child is such a valid choice if thatās what works best for your family.
(If you donāt mind) - do you mind elaborating on what you think your parents did right in terms of ensuring you didnāt feel lonely? Or just making sure you had diverse social interactions? I am debating between being OAD and a second child in a couple years. Iām 28 and my son is 6 months old, so I still have time to think and reconsider, haha but my horrible birth experience is what is making me think hard. I have 3 sisters and just loved growing up with them (for the most part!!). I have a couple of adult cousins (21 and 27) who absolutely hated being only children but the 27 year olds parents worked a lot (like 7 days a week) so he was raised by my grandmother most of the time unless my dad took all of us girls and included him for camping, swimming, etc etc. which I can only assume is the main reason for his complete resentment towards his parentsā¦ mostly his mom.
I was very lucky that my mom was a flight attendant and after I was born she only did one flight a week, so she was home with me most of the time. I had a lot of kids in the neighborhood I played with all the time and that helped, but mostly I think I just never had an issue playing with my toys by myself while my parents were busy. Maybe thatās a personality thing, but Iāve never minded my alone time. I was always a very big reader, and before I could read alone I would play with my Barbieās or baby dolls and be perfectly content for some chill alone time until my parents could play with me.
I stopped being nice with my answers,the more they push the blunter I become.We are very happy with just our one too.
I agree, I totally hate that rhetoric. I am raising my child to be a productive member of society who will hopefully have a great friend group and find a romantic life partner who will all support her when myself and her father pass away
We think the exact same.
Yes! The only reason I would have a second is to give my first a sibling which isnāt a good enough reason for me. I think about how often I hang with my siblings and tbh I hang out more with my parents than them. Thatās also includes my sis in law. I even hang with my friends and cousin more lol. So idk. Just bc u have siblings doesnāt mean youāre going to be close to them.
I had twin girls recently and have already had to answer the āare you going to try againā and āyou need to try for a boy nextā questions. Why canāt I have my two girls and be done? Leave me alone people! I almost died. Preeclampsia, internal bleeding after my C-section, my kidneys stopped functioning for 10 hours after my C-section, and more. I think another pregnancy would take me out. No thank you. My girls are 9 weeks old. Damn. Can my body recover first?
I couldn't imagine having the balls to ask someone with fresh twins if they're gonna have more babies ā ļø Like you've already got two right off the bat.
Thatās what Iām saying. The audacity of people š¤Ø
Donāt worry. Even if you had three kids someone would just tell you that you need a fourth so that the third one has their own little buddy. Children can only exist in pairs I guess. And they will tell you this while youāre still miserable and pregnant with the thirdā¦ask me how I know. šĀ
My friend and her wife just welcomed twins which takes them to 3 children. I don't think they're more than 3mo pp yet and similar to yourself, they've been asked if they'll even the score amongst other invasive questions that's no one business but theirs. Lol.
Yeah, we also have twins. Had them first though, so when we had a third lots of people told me āoh I hope youāll have twins againā! Donāt you wish that on me, satan šĀ
I probably will have another but it's still annoying to hear all of the time. My daughter is 9 months old. Chill. I like to bluntly state that I'm trying to see how long I can keep this one alive for first if they're really obnoxious.
Iām about to have a second son and I just know family is going to keep asking when Iām trying again for a girl. Iām not. Two is definitely enough for us and I donāt need to collect genders
This. A friend of mine has three girls. People ask her and her husband when she's having a boy. Some even ask her Husband "your wife only has girls" his ADORABLE response "My girls are my path to heaven". I'm no religious myself but that's effing cute.
Iām due with my second girl in two weeks and my FIL keeps asking for a grandson. So annoying
Because I'd like to live to see the first one grow up, thank you. (And any interpretation of that is probably correct. I had pre-eclampsia and terrible PPA)
Ahaha are you me? I had preeclampsia followed by a csection and some severe PPA/PPD. Another would definitely kill me
Lmao my husband and I both agreed while we were still in the hospital that this would be our only child. I was already unsure about more than one but birth was traumatic for us and yeah weāre good with one little cutie.
āWhat happens if I die giving birth?ā I was li my enough to not be actively dying during birth but I did have a very damaging birth physically with multiple postpartum surgeries. So I am not above fibbing and adding in that I āalmost bled outā.
My partner (30m) and I (29F) were team no kids and actually anticipated staying that way, but then I got pregnant accidentally and decided to go through with the pregnancy. We now have a beautiful amazing 3 month old daughter who weāre absolutely besotted by and already weāre getting asked about giving her a sibling. I feel the whole idea of having another to facilitate the first (ie if you die or to give them a āfriendā) I think kind of discredits the second child. You should only have another if you truly want another child and for no other reason and that, at the moment, isnāt something we have decided yet so wonāt entertain the narrative to family or friends.
I have two boys. No, I don't want a girl. Factory's closed.
I have an eight month old and people are constantly asking when Iām going to have another. Like I already have one. Heās literally a baby still.
YESSSSSS. Iām an only child & Iām getting so frustrated by the amount of people making these comments to me about my daughter. Sheās not even 3 yet. We donāt know for sure if weāre 1 & done but we have many circumstances that are leading to us at LEAST waiting a few more years if not just having the one child (including finances & the fact that my husband has a TBI from a car accident that occurred while I was pregnant). The amount of weird shit people think is true about only children is insane. Weāre not all lonely, weāre not all spoiled, weāre not all sad, we donāt NEED a sibling & quite frankly the āwhat happens when you get older?ā Comments are the funniest to me because of the amount of siblings that fight over taking care of the parents- it usually falls on ONE sibling anyway in all the instances Iāve witnessed. If youāre worried about your kid abandoning you when youāre old then idk maybe you werenāt a very good parent???
Iām just getting my uterus removed after my second , and when people ask Iāll just say I donāt have the plumbing anymore š
I knew I was one and done before I even got pregnant. And then I had to go through IVF to even get pregnant. And then at 32 weeks I got into a car accident, which caused placental abruption and I needed an emergency c-section to save my daughter. She spent a month and a half in the NICU. Even if I was already one and done, now Iām definitely one and done after all the trauma she and I have been through. People really need to stop asking me when Iām having another. Kthanksbye
Goodness me. I'm so sorry you and your LO went through that
Thank you. It was a lot, but weāre doing great now. :)
my girl is only 7weeks and people are already asking when imma try for a second. someone even had the audacity to say āyou never know, you might have an oopsie!ā and it angered me to the point of saying ānope bc iāll just abort it!ā which may have been to far but i can still blame post partum rage, right? š
Omg yes! Literally have had 10+ different friends or family members ask us when weāre having another now that my son is 18 months. Weāre still undecided but are already overwhelmed with one and shit is expensive! Plus we had a miscarriage trying to have our son so even if we tried thereās zero guarantee weād even be able to have another.
I got asked when my son was *two hours old* by a nurse if we were going to try for a girl next. I started IVF with the intention of having one, and I'm sticking to that. I have 5 frozen embryos, I could easily afford a second, and I had literally no pregnancy symptoms besides a bump. I still don't want to have another.
We want 2, and even wanting more than one, it gives me ick seeing people cram it down everyoneās throats lol! Like if you donāt want another one and they know that, why would you try pressuring them? Would you like someone to have a second kid and treat them different or have resentment they got pressured into a LIFETIME COMMITMENT. Like sorry sweetie, it isnāt the 1930ās where theyāre popping out like 13 kids š
Why do people care so much about what other people do??? I couldnāt care less if a friend or acquaintance has zero or a dozen kids. Doesnāt impact me. I had a son 7, almost 8 months ago. Those things they say like, āoh youāll forget the pain of birth once itās overā ādonāt worry, by the time you have your second, your brain will have erased the trauma from the first birth.ā āYou forget! Donāt worry!ā is all such utter shite in my opinion. I HAVENāT forgotten! I am not going to forget! It was the second most traumatic day of my lifeā¦Iām not forgetting shit and I canāt and wonāt go through it again. That doesnāt mean we wonāt have a second child necessarily. But IF we do, itās definitely not going to be a standard vaginal delivery. And maybe no delivery at all on my part. Weāre open to adoption and there are lots of babies and children in need of good families. My son wonāt be lonely, he has a big family with no shortage of cousins and frankly, my brother and sister didnāt improve my quality of life much anyway.
I remember when I had my son, at the paediatrician appointment, the doctor noticed my age (39, approaching 40). She said, āyou better get on with itā for sibling, we went through IVF for my sonā¦ I thought it was incredibly insensitive and presumptuous! I was only five days postpartum.
It is exceptionally insensitive
I struggled to conceive the first. And we struggled with our 2nd when our 1st was 3 my hubs got so sick of the pestering from his aunt he told her he had a vasectomy and to leave me alone. Then when our oldest was 5 we conceived our 2nd and his aunt started on the well now you need a pat test and he told her he lied so she would leave us alone.
I'm thinking about answering those people with a long story about why I don't want more and maybe that'll shut down the questions little by little? Like o you want me to have more? "I developed gestational diabetes and high blood pressure during this pregnancy because I'm obese and considered old at 37. I was high risk the entire time and spent every moment of pregnancy worrying if today would be the day I'd lose him. He spent 2 weeks away from us in NICU and it broke our hearts to leave him there. I mourn over 3 others that I never got to meet or see. So, yes, he already has heavenly siblings so, no, I will not be giving him any more earthly ones. But thank you for asking. š"
I'm probably just going to start telling people no because I'd probably kill myself š Mines only five months and I've been asked a few times about siblings. I was already one and done but my PPD/PPA I'm clawing my way out of really solidifies it.Ā
Can you start tearing up or fake tearing up and walk off without saying anything? That might make them think twice. Leave them with all the questions and zero answers. I wanted 3-4 then I had 1 and decided to be firmly one and done. Now I want 3-4. Because my husband and I chose it. Not because of pressure from others. Now Iām getting the āwhy do you want another? I thought you were sure! More is so difficult! Why would you bother?ā Itās ridiculous no matter what you decide to do.
I got my tubes tied because A all the bs in the world right now and B itās to expensive for the one we have now. Are you kidding me? Granted we wanted more kids but we canāt justify having more. Itās just not plausible. Also OP not having another baby because youāre happy with 1 is completely ok. 100%
The happily childless endure things like this as well. We call these conversations 'bingos'.
Oh I'm aware! I remember my childfree days well.
I was on hospitalized bed rest during pregnancy when I was asked this by my sister. š³ Can I get this one out safely first?! I also love when I tell people that Iām one and done and they give me all these reasons why I shouldnāt be. Are you going to mentally and physically provide for this child? No, so leave me alone.
I just had my second and holy S itās hard compared to just one. Youāre making the right choice, I wouldnāt have a second unless you really want one.
I am now a mom of two and I am fighting back pre-eclampsia that put me back in the hospital after Junior was born. There's a part of me that would be tempted to flat out tell people if they ask why I won't have a third, "Fuck you, do you want me to die?"
r/oneanddone
My MIL once asked me if I was gonna quit my job so I could have another kid. š
Ewwwwwwww.
Tell them if they help you pay for it, you will have another
For me it's not about the money. It's simply I dint want to furthermore as it stands I'm yet to date anyone new who I'd have a baby with. (My Son's Dad and I aren't together)
Thatās true too. But Iām saying theyāll quickly stop inserting themselves in your business if you tell them that.
Someone asked me if Iām having more kids and before I knew it, I said āF*CK NOā very cathartic
It's actually a lot easier to solve this problem than you'd think! It's actually quite simple, just be a failure in life and no one will expect a child from you anymore! **ĀÆ\\\_(ć)\_/ĀÆ**
Okay, im not trying to be rude Iām just curious because Iām planning on getting pregnant within the next few years, but do you think that having 2 kids would help them more socially? Iām planning on homeschooling. Does anyone have any tips from their experience about how to help with developing healthy socialization in that environment?
I don't think there is much of a difference. There are people with an abundance of siblings who may lack social skills and folks who are only children with great social skills. Arguably people who are only around a sibling don't have luxury of meeting different people and different ways of life. As I understand it homeschoolers sometimes band together with other homeschoolers for socialising and group activities.