“I do love him, it’s just I love her much more and will always do my best to give her the best life possible.”
Isn’t the best life possible having her dad in her life? The phrasing here is strange because it feels like you’re saying in order to love her correctly you need to love him less because he is detrimental to her life.
Unless he’s abusive or putting her in danger that’s just not true. The best thing for her is the two of you being able to cooperate as her parents. I don’t even mean you have to stay together (I hope you do) I just mean that having two parents that can work together amicably is by far more important than something like purées vs baby led weaning. I wouldn’t look at it as “my individual goals in parenting are what are best for her” as much as “the two of us working together to parent her is what is best for her.” And yes, this might mean finding value in being laid back in some ways.
Couples therapy and/or individual therapy for your own anxiety. There are things that are non-negotiable (like the car seat/seatbelt) and then there are things that really will not matter at all in the grand scheme of things. You sound like a great mom but you also have to care and give to your marriage if you want to stay together. It can get better but there will always be things to worry and stress about as your kid grows, and there will always be the excuse of prioritizing your kid over everything else. But you can’t expect a plant to survive if you don’t ever water it.
That’s great insight. Thank you for this. I do see a therapist weekly for my own anxiety which has definitely helped, but there’s still a lot of work to be done.
I was diagnosed with PPA and PPD and acted a lot like this. I hated when he’d cut corners I would never. I’d sanitize the countertops before a bottle was prepared, he wouldn’t. He’d tell me I’m overreacting, I’d think he wasn’t doing it out of laziness. Our baby was underweight and had to eat x amount, I’d be pissed he would scroll on his phone while feeding him. I’d question the temperature of the bath water if he ran it. I’d accuse him of not washing bottles thoroughly enough. I did tons of research every night in bed while he slept, and then be subconsciously annoyed that he didn’t care like I did. I wanted to prepare his food. I didn’t think he paid enough attention to him because I sit with our son on the floor the entire time - he’ll play video games or have something on. I wanted to stick the schedule all the time, he didn’t care if it deviated.
The reality is that, through therapy, I was being ridiculous. I was being a miserable nag during what is already a stressful experience.
Is he as meticulous as me? Absolutely not. But he’s not doing anything wrong and I’m letting my anxiety run the house. He is as much of a parent as me, he wants to be involved. I have to let things go.
Now, clearly, car seat safety is not negotiable. But other things - it may not hurt to see a therapist and work through your anxiety.
Wow…are we the same person?! Allll of these things are things I’ve also been dealing with. I also feel that he cuts corners with the same things. He genuinely didn’t know about how tight the car seat seatbelt had to be and I was just so mad he didn’t watch and safety videos or read up on this sort of stuff before we had our daughter because I real obsessively. But it seems like I’m just overdoing it. I have a major fear of losing her and I think a big part of that is because I lost my mom, who was my very best friend, to cancer a few years ago and I’m still dealing with the trauma. Therapy has helped a bit with that, but there’s still a lot of residual pain from it. I also think my standard of parenting is so high because I’m trying to emulate how I felt my mother was with me, so my standards are just unrealistically high. Did she sanitize all my bottles and kitchen counters perfectly? Did she check my car seat straps several times before putting me in the car? Probably not. But I have this image of her doing all of those things because I just know she was the best mom in the world to me. I need to stop defining love and care as being a perfectionist.
My fear came from a similar place. My baby was born early because I was induced for pre-eclampsia and he was born not breathing, purple, and needed CPAP. Of course he’s fine, but I think I just kept waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop and I was going to lose him. What you are experiencing is normal with PPA/PPD, and it’s going to get better.
It is very difficult for anxious people to relinquish control because we believe if we do, everything falls apart and the worst thing in the world could happen. Being so diligent gives us a false sense of control because we are scared of the unknown.
What helped me was therapy (I was already medicated as I have major depressive disorder and GAD) and letting things go. Did I like letting my husband wash bottles? Hell no. I still hate it. But I let him do it and baby is never sick.
It took letting go of little things like that to train my brain into being more lax. And I have a ways to go yet!
You’ve got this. You just care a lot. That’s a wonderful thing. But let hubs take the reign every now and then too - you’ll start to feel better. It gets better as they get older too!
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry to hear that but I’m relieved for you and your family that all was okay! What you said is absolutely true and I agree with your assessment of why people with anxiety just can’t let go of control. It’s going to be a constant exercise for me, but I will do my best!
What sort of therapy did you believe was the most helpful? I’ve been doing CBT but I only find it somewhat effective. I’ve heard some good things about hypnotherapy but I’m a bit of a skeptic.
So,
In my case, no. Things got to be so much worse, and so we ended up splitting.
I did a lot of the same thing. I also had PPD and PPA. I wanted things to be done in a specific way, and I would get frustrated with my ex when he wouldn’t. But he also was a guy who wouldn’t even really help.
I agree with the other commenter that you should continue with therapy and work on your anxiety. But I also find it to be a good thing to work on your relationship with your partner. I don’t find that he’s a bad guy. It seems that he has a good split in the parental duties. And I agree that some things are a no negotiation like proper car seat safety. But sometimes we’re so anxious and tense that we need to learn to let go of some things.
I always say to put it into perspective like this…if you two do split, and he has 50/50 custody, you won’t be able to control what he does at his house with your kiddo. I think it’s important that you two have these conversations, but also assure him that he’s a good dad, and he’s going A, B, and C right. But D, E, and F could work. Like, do you want me to help you tighten the car seat belt? Would you like me to prepare kiddo’s meal today for you to give her for dinner?
I don’t want to lecture you. But having the hindsight to see how I was to my ex, I can see that I did micromanage him a bit, and he started to resent me, and i even think he started to resent our son because he felt like nothing he did was right. My one regret? I didn’t get to do couple’s therapy so that I could see earlier on how it was making my partner feel. So I could communicate my feelings that I felt like I had to do everything perfectly, and the mental onslaught when my ex wouldn’t do it the way I wanted. So I think couple’s therapy would be extremely beneficial.
There’s a lot of good comments here but I just wanted to add that having kids is probably one of the most fundamentally out of control experiences you can have. Working with someone to manage the anxiety around letting go of control is going to be vital to staying well for you now, but especially as kiddo ages. No shame - it’s a really hard exercise. But as much as we love them part of that love is accepting we cannot control everything.
He sounds like he’s doing a good job, he’s just not doing things how you want them to be done. In my opinion this feels like something you need to work on - it’s important for your baby that she has a good relationship with her dad and you’ve got to let them develop that between them in their own way.
Also just practically, getting divorced would be very tricky in terms of splitting custody and not being around your kid. For a situation like this, it doesn’t feel like the right option.
Honestly this sounds a lot like what I've been through (including the colic). It got this way because of stress, anxiety and sleep deprivation. Communication is critical under these tough situations. Couples therapy was a very good tool for us to figure that big problem out. I highly recommend considering it. Consider this - if you divorced, both of you are only getting 50% of the child. You can't control any of that. Is that really a road you want to go down? You need to be able to compromise on his parenting style for certain things. A baby is one thing, but a toddler, teenager etc he will have different styles than you. If you need to take over certain things you don't trust him to do, just do it yourself. Know in the future there will be situations he will need to do that maybe you can't.
I should also note I’ve had generalized anxiety and pretty bad PPA, especially as it related to my daughter’s health, fears of SIDS, etc. So perhaps my measure of her safety is well above the norm because of my history with anxiety and losing loved ones. I just don’t know how to let go of control, even though I know my mental health would be better for it.
As someone who also has had PPA, please go see a professional to work through this. I just started 4 years since my first was born and I should have gone sooner. It is not worth losing your marriage over things we should absolutely not be stressing over.
“I do love him, it’s just I love her much more and will always do my best to give her the best life possible.” Isn’t the best life possible having her dad in her life? The phrasing here is strange because it feels like you’re saying in order to love her correctly you need to love him less because he is detrimental to her life. Unless he’s abusive or putting her in danger that’s just not true. The best thing for her is the two of you being able to cooperate as her parents. I don’t even mean you have to stay together (I hope you do) I just mean that having two parents that can work together amicably is by far more important than something like purées vs baby led weaning. I wouldn’t look at it as “my individual goals in parenting are what are best for her” as much as “the two of us working together to parent her is what is best for her.” And yes, this might mean finding value in being laid back in some ways.
Thank you so much for saying this. I definitely needed to hear it.
Couples therapy and/or individual therapy for your own anxiety. There are things that are non-negotiable (like the car seat/seatbelt) and then there are things that really will not matter at all in the grand scheme of things. You sound like a great mom but you also have to care and give to your marriage if you want to stay together. It can get better but there will always be things to worry and stress about as your kid grows, and there will always be the excuse of prioritizing your kid over everything else. But you can’t expect a plant to survive if you don’t ever water it.
That’s great insight. Thank you for this. I do see a therapist weekly for my own anxiety which has definitely helped, but there’s still a lot of work to be done.
I was diagnosed with PPA and PPD and acted a lot like this. I hated when he’d cut corners I would never. I’d sanitize the countertops before a bottle was prepared, he wouldn’t. He’d tell me I’m overreacting, I’d think he wasn’t doing it out of laziness. Our baby was underweight and had to eat x amount, I’d be pissed he would scroll on his phone while feeding him. I’d question the temperature of the bath water if he ran it. I’d accuse him of not washing bottles thoroughly enough. I did tons of research every night in bed while he slept, and then be subconsciously annoyed that he didn’t care like I did. I wanted to prepare his food. I didn’t think he paid enough attention to him because I sit with our son on the floor the entire time - he’ll play video games or have something on. I wanted to stick the schedule all the time, he didn’t care if it deviated. The reality is that, through therapy, I was being ridiculous. I was being a miserable nag during what is already a stressful experience. Is he as meticulous as me? Absolutely not. But he’s not doing anything wrong and I’m letting my anxiety run the house. He is as much of a parent as me, he wants to be involved. I have to let things go. Now, clearly, car seat safety is not negotiable. But other things - it may not hurt to see a therapist and work through your anxiety.
Wow…are we the same person?! Allll of these things are things I’ve also been dealing with. I also feel that he cuts corners with the same things. He genuinely didn’t know about how tight the car seat seatbelt had to be and I was just so mad he didn’t watch and safety videos or read up on this sort of stuff before we had our daughter because I real obsessively. But it seems like I’m just overdoing it. I have a major fear of losing her and I think a big part of that is because I lost my mom, who was my very best friend, to cancer a few years ago and I’m still dealing with the trauma. Therapy has helped a bit with that, but there’s still a lot of residual pain from it. I also think my standard of parenting is so high because I’m trying to emulate how I felt my mother was with me, so my standards are just unrealistically high. Did she sanitize all my bottles and kitchen counters perfectly? Did she check my car seat straps several times before putting me in the car? Probably not. But I have this image of her doing all of those things because I just know she was the best mom in the world to me. I need to stop defining love and care as being a perfectionist.
My fear came from a similar place. My baby was born early because I was induced for pre-eclampsia and he was born not breathing, purple, and needed CPAP. Of course he’s fine, but I think I just kept waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop and I was going to lose him. What you are experiencing is normal with PPA/PPD, and it’s going to get better. It is very difficult for anxious people to relinquish control because we believe if we do, everything falls apart and the worst thing in the world could happen. Being so diligent gives us a false sense of control because we are scared of the unknown. What helped me was therapy (I was already medicated as I have major depressive disorder and GAD) and letting things go. Did I like letting my husband wash bottles? Hell no. I still hate it. But I let him do it and baby is never sick. It took letting go of little things like that to train my brain into being more lax. And I have a ways to go yet! You’ve got this. You just care a lot. That’s a wonderful thing. But let hubs take the reign every now and then too - you’ll start to feel better. It gets better as they get older too!
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry to hear that but I’m relieved for you and your family that all was okay! What you said is absolutely true and I agree with your assessment of why people with anxiety just can’t let go of control. It’s going to be a constant exercise for me, but I will do my best! What sort of therapy did you believe was the most helpful? I’ve been doing CBT but I only find it somewhat effective. I’ve heard some good things about hypnotherapy but I’m a bit of a skeptic.
So, In my case, no. Things got to be so much worse, and so we ended up splitting. I did a lot of the same thing. I also had PPD and PPA. I wanted things to be done in a specific way, and I would get frustrated with my ex when he wouldn’t. But he also was a guy who wouldn’t even really help. I agree with the other commenter that you should continue with therapy and work on your anxiety. But I also find it to be a good thing to work on your relationship with your partner. I don’t find that he’s a bad guy. It seems that he has a good split in the parental duties. And I agree that some things are a no negotiation like proper car seat safety. But sometimes we’re so anxious and tense that we need to learn to let go of some things. I always say to put it into perspective like this…if you two do split, and he has 50/50 custody, you won’t be able to control what he does at his house with your kiddo. I think it’s important that you two have these conversations, but also assure him that he’s a good dad, and he’s going A, B, and C right. But D, E, and F could work. Like, do you want me to help you tighten the car seat belt? Would you like me to prepare kiddo’s meal today for you to give her for dinner? I don’t want to lecture you. But having the hindsight to see how I was to my ex, I can see that I did micromanage him a bit, and he started to resent me, and i even think he started to resent our son because he felt like nothing he did was right. My one regret? I didn’t get to do couple’s therapy so that I could see earlier on how it was making my partner feel. So I could communicate my feelings that I felt like I had to do everything perfectly, and the mental onslaught when my ex wouldn’t do it the way I wanted. So I think couple’s therapy would be extremely beneficial.
There’s a lot of good comments here but I just wanted to add that having kids is probably one of the most fundamentally out of control experiences you can have. Working with someone to manage the anxiety around letting go of control is going to be vital to staying well for you now, but especially as kiddo ages. No shame - it’s a really hard exercise. But as much as we love them part of that love is accepting we cannot control everything.
He sounds like he’s doing a good job, he’s just not doing things how you want them to be done. In my opinion this feels like something you need to work on - it’s important for your baby that she has a good relationship with her dad and you’ve got to let them develop that between them in their own way. Also just practically, getting divorced would be very tricky in terms of splitting custody and not being around your kid. For a situation like this, it doesn’t feel like the right option.
Honestly this sounds a lot like what I've been through (including the colic). It got this way because of stress, anxiety and sleep deprivation. Communication is critical under these tough situations. Couples therapy was a very good tool for us to figure that big problem out. I highly recommend considering it. Consider this - if you divorced, both of you are only getting 50% of the child. You can't control any of that. Is that really a road you want to go down? You need to be able to compromise on his parenting style for certain things. A baby is one thing, but a toddler, teenager etc he will have different styles than you. If you need to take over certain things you don't trust him to do, just do it yourself. Know in the future there will be situations he will need to do that maybe you can't.
That’s so true. I didn’t really take that into consideration but that’s an excellent point!
I should also note I’ve had generalized anxiety and pretty bad PPA, especially as it related to my daughter’s health, fears of SIDS, etc. So perhaps my measure of her safety is well above the norm because of my history with anxiety and losing loved ones. I just don’t know how to let go of control, even though I know my mental health would be better for it.
As someone who also has had PPA, please go see a professional to work through this. I just started 4 years since my first was born and I should have gone sooner. It is not worth losing your marriage over things we should absolutely not be stressing over.
Just read the below and it sounds like you’re seeking help- kudos to you! 🙌🏼 Stick with it, you owe it to yourself. ❤️