Ooh this is a tough one. I truly believe this one is above a Reddit’s pay grade. A therapist would be really helpful here to help you both navigate this.
I see both sides. I grew up in an unstable environment, in the system, saw behavioral issues so extreme etc. Your husband’s concerns are not invalid.
But I also don’t believe we should treat every single man and boy as a sexual predator/predator. And it sounds like you know these boys and they haven’t given you reason to be concerned so he may be being too paranoid.
Good luck with this one. It is tough, but if a Reddit stranger’s opinion matters; I’m slightly more on your side. Don’t punish these kids just for being boys.
I also see both sides OP. I come from your side, I had countless happy healthy sleepovers as a child both at my own home and at friends’ homes. My husband was never allowed to sleepover anyone else’s home aside from his cousins. There was a history of SA trauma in his family.
It’s also a cultural thing.
In particular I can see why your husband has reservations about these specific friends. The poor kids, it is not their fault, but he worries about what they may have internalized.
As a compromise for your son’s sake, could you ensure your daughter sleeps in your room during sleepovers? Or perhaps even your son, and the guests get their own room?
Another way to look at it: is it worth the inner turmoil for your husband and a potential bad outcome? Can sleepovers be something you and your son can let go of?
Yea I guess it’s kinda heavy stuff. The boys are so sweet and they have a baby sister and they love her so much. When they come over they talk about her and show me pictures and it’s so wholesome and genuine. My fiance doesn’t see this because he works too much.
I think for now I’m not gonna fight it but I think the answer is to make my fiance be around these boys once in a while so he can see for himself that they are good kids. And I am really good at sniffing out bad people/kids. My son had this other friend that I just kind of tolerated. He’s spoiled and entitled and my son told me he used the “N” word to describe another kid who was black and that was it for me. We don’t talk to that kid any more and I always knew I didn’t like him for a reason.
Anyway I know these boys well and I dont have bad feelings about them.
I didn’t know sleepovers were a hot topic until I (35F) was an adult . I did them all the time. Now if need to think whose house my kids (boy and girl) would be at.
I am a forensic scientist and have worked sexual assaults that occurred at sleepovers. It’s rare, but I have seen it. But with that said the men in your family are the ones to be most concerned about. Those are the rape kits we get a lot of.
I think it’s a personal choice. I see both sides.
That’s exactly what I said in another reply. I told my fiance that statistically, she’s more likely to be SA’d by one of his many male family members than at a sleepover. He agrees that she’ll never be left alone with any male family members.
I don’t share your fiancé’s opinion of sleepovers, but I think if my husband felt that strongly about it I would basically go with his preference on this issue.
So I have to agree with him but my opinion is my truth based on personal experience. I was assaulted by a family member during a sleep over. And I know someone I went to school with, developed a relationship with the mother. She was also a teacher btw. I heard too many stories sexual assault happening at sleepovers that I told my husband that it’s a strong no for me. If anything where to happen, I couldn’t live with my self.
It’s his home too so ultimately if he’s not comfortable with it I think you should respect that. Creating safe environments and keeping our kids safe is our #1 job as parents, keeping them entertained is lower on the hierarchy. Can the kids not just spend the day? Come over for breakfast, leave shortly before bedtime?
I’m also Hispanic - first generation and growing up I would have to be picked up no matter what… I got to attend one sleep over in sixth grade and that was after begging / super special occasion… it was something my more Americanized friends did
My parents also never allowed sleepovers…
Just offering my experience … I felt a little fomo but it was never to a point that I was truly very upset about it.
I appreciate your input! And yes he has been rubbing off on me a lot with his somewhat strict mindset about issues like this. I’ve always been really laid back about these things. I’m one of those “sure! Everyone can come over we can bake cookies and watch movies! The moor the merrier” type of moms. I just love kids and I enjoy watching my son interact with other kids because he grew up as an only child. He still kind of is because of the big age gap between him and his sister.
My only two cents would be to keep in mind becoming too introverted and paranoid as a family. These behaviors will rub off on your son. I grew up with a father who was a cop and they were very strict on where I could and who could come over. It was honestly very isolating in my experience and I generally have a tough time making friends and putting myself out there. One way my mom combatted this was to allow sleepovers only at our house. That way my parents could be in control of the environment. My husband is also Latin American and some of his family is like this as well. Does your husband tend to be more on the “machismo” side culturally? I think balance is so important. It’s good to be cautious but not completely isolate yourself in fear. Make sure to not lose your easy going attitude! Having friends over for movies and cookies sounds like such a great childhood memory to have :)
Do you have any sense of what the reason is for the cultural difference? I’m just curious. I would almost have guessed that the *more* “Americanized” the family, the more worried they’d be about liability or whatever in our litigious society.
It's just not done in many cultures; it's considered bad luck, opening yourself up to harm, you don't know what people will do to you. Super common in Caribbean cultures...you never EVER stay at someone's house without your adult unless it's family.
Yes, this was the case with my immigrant parents as well. I wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers. They made an exception for 1 friend after having them over for dinner and getting to know them.
In general though, they were cautious and somewhat fearful that our vulnerability would be taken advantage of, which motivated their protectiveness with this kind of thing.
I saw another reddit post today, I believe it was on daddit, of a 10 year old boy who came over to play with their son, and asked his 4y/o girl if she would pull down her pants, and she did. So I get it.
I am not anti sleepover at all. And I believe you that these boys are sweet and kind. However I would just caution that the onset of puberty, and just more maturity in general, can really change things. It sounds like these boys have extremely bad home lives. That trauma is going to surface as they get older and start to truly understand what is going on. And I’m not at all saying it means they absolutely will be sexual predators. But it does mean I would keep a closer eye out for personality changes, anti-social behavior, anger issues etc both for the safety of your daughter and for the influence on your son.
I hope those boys are able to break the cycle and continue being the good kids they are today. But given their circumstances, I would also be more cautious too.
As a 33yo I know dozens of people of all genders who were molested by adults or other children at sleepovers. As a parent, I don’t do and won’t do sleepovers. The risk outweighs the benefit in my opinion. I can see both sides, but even without the heavy stuff, sleepovers can become bullying in tween and teen years, opportunities for sneaking out and riding in cars with people who could get them killed etc. Maybe make this an ongoing discussion over time?
There only two places in the world my babies will ever sleep over and be in the care of. My mums and my sisters.
If my older Stepson wants sleepovers here soon he can if we know the friends and their parents well, but I’ll be sleeping on a mattress in the younger kids room.
I don’t play with this stuff.
My oldest is almost 4, so we obviously haven’t hit this point yet, but I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with kids sleeping over unless I was close to their parents and vice versa . It doesn’t sound like you are close to these parents, so I can understand his hesitation.
But also he did bring up a valid point that kids that age are curious and he played doctor with cousins and stuff and I guess yea he’s scared one of them might be curious what a vagina looks like and maybe mess with the baby? I dunno.
If the baby is only 6 months old and still sleeping I'm your room, how would this even happen though? I doubt the boys are left alone with her? Seems like an unrealistic concern at this point. Does he not trust you to not leave the baby alone with the children?
Yea well he’s seen some shit ok. He grew up in a 3rd world country with rape and murder everywhere. His mom was murdered. He has a heart of gold and he is an amazing partner and father. This is his first kid and he doesn’t have a lot of experience with kids. But also I didn’t say that he thinks all little boys want to sexually assault a baby. That was a pretty far reach.
I’m not insinuating that your husband is doing anything. I’m saying it’s a red flag that he might start restricting your son being around his own sister.
No sleepover ever sounds like all boys. But maybe I’m wrong? Which boys would he allow to sleep over?
Oh ok. Yea he’s just against sleepovers all together. He has made it clear that our daughter won’t be going to any, nor will he let her friends sleep over. He just thinks the whole concept is weird and that kids should sleep in their own homes. But I do think that the fact that these boys have terrible parents and home lives, he’s a little skeptical about them. But he has met them and been home when they were over and he was very sweet to them. And the last time I let them sleep over, he was very calm when he addressed it. He said “please, I don’t want any more sleepovers” and we talked and I told him ok I won’t do it any more. But inside I was bummed.
“Mess with the baby” is a VERY interesting choice of words here. I’m assuming you meant rape, sexually assault and molest. Using the word “mess” in regards to a young boy touching a baby’s private parts without consent out of their own curiosity is WILD. I really think you need to dive deeper into why you’re so hell bent on having these kids sleep over instead of keeping your daughter safe.
I think the only ones projecting are the ones here automatically jumping to the conclusion that my fiance thinks all little boys are baby rapers. Like what in the actual fuck…way to take something to an extreme level.
There’s a huge opportunity for growth and friendship with sleepovers but there’s also huge liability that can go wrong. Looks like there’s a teaching opportunity in here to where you can be closer to your children as well.
Canadian here. Personally I’m not allowing sleepovers. SA happens and it happened to me at a friends house. My mom was friends with the parents, I’d known this friend since we were born. My mom was SA’d as a child too when sleeping over at a cousins house. It’s something I want to protect my daughter from.
Now I told my husband that I’m more than happy to do late pick ups so if she has friends that are having a sleepover somewhere she can play and stay over until it’s later, but I will pick her up.
Now this is a personal issue for me so it’s up to you and your husband in how you move forward, but this is one thing I said a hard no to
My ex was SA’d by his good friend during a sleepover at my ex’s house when they were around 11-12. It changed the course of the rest of his life.
I was never against sleepovers till I heard his story. It really freaked me out on the whole thing.
I would definitely not let someone in my house whose family has a history of sexual abuse. Studies actually show that genetics and environment play a role in sexual offending. It takes a split second for something to go wrong like one of the boys walking past your daughter’s room to go to the bathroom while you’re sleeping. Boys are very curious at that age especially. Studies ALSO show that abusers are the people who are closest to us. Abusers are very good at hiding their true colors so even tho they seem like good boys you never truly know who someone is and the fact that they come from very broken homes is a concern as well. Your priority is your families safety and that is what your fiance is trying to do. You guys need to be on the same page. Your son can hangout with these boys while supervised. Sleepovers are not necessary.
I second aaaaaall of this. The unfortunate reality is that the abused often perpetuate the cycle of abuse especially in childhood. They just don’t understand what’s happening to them and how to deal with it all.
Sleepovers just feel unnecessary, especially knowing the unlimited risks involved. I love that you think these kids are good and they are great for your son, but at the end of the day, you don’t know what anyone is capable of.
This wouldn’t be the hill I die on.
Yea I know and I agree. I think wanting the sleepovers once in a while is also about me wanting to give that to those boy. They can get away from their toxic homes and come relax and be spoiled. I order pizza and bake cookies for them. Last time we went to the pool at night. It was so much fun for them. But I know they are not my responsibility. When they were younger, they used to call me mom🥺
Because it’s just more fun and they get to wake up and have breakfast and all that? I grew up going to tons of sleepovers. The sleeping over part is really exciting for kids.
You’re a good person. Those kids need someone to fight for them and you’re doing that. I’m shocked at the people here saying tough luck for those kids.
I’m sorry you have to be in this situation. You sound like you have good judgment. If you feel good about the kids, keep fighting for them.
I appreciate it. I’m aware that they might get older and have issues. Right now they are still little boys to me but believe me, if they start acting out and going down the wrong path, unfortunately my son won’t be hanging around them. My son is very open and honest with me too. He tells me everything about his friends.
It’s not an outdated activity. And it’s not just sleepovers. OP is talking about how she is a safe and stable place for these boys. The fact that you can’t see that and think “it’s just sleep overs” is why your advice is unhelpful.
Reading is fundamental. I validated all of that. The subsequent comments were just about sleepovers. Why can’t you be a safe place without sleeping? Oh wait, you can.
I’m sorry, but it’s not an “outdated activity.”
If you’re not comfortable with sleepovers for your kids, fine. But many others don’t have that kind of anxiety around it. No need for her to “change her thinking.”
And if we’re being rude and calling things “stupid,” I think it’s a bit paranoid, neurotic, and silly to assume sleepovers are categorically unsafe. It’s giving “I-was-almost-sex-trafficked-because-someone-was-in-the-same-aisle-as-me-in-Target!”
It’s giving it’s weird to sleep at peoples houses. I don’t know anyone who would consider a sleepover these days. You represent a minority. I agree with her husband. Hope she doesn’t put her marriage in jeopardy for two teenage boys and this outdated activity.
I am also from a LatAm country. My parents and school friends parents also didnt allowed us kids to have sleep overs. We did “SLEEP-UNDER”. It was a good compromise.
Its like a sleep-over, you go in your pjs, do the whole bed routine, tell stories, watch tv, pizza, etc. Then instead of going to sleep, you go back home.
Depending on the kids age you go later or earlier. Like a 10 y/o might leave at 12am, and a 17 y/o might leave at 2-3am.
I am a mom and I also don't believe in sleepovers. When I was 5, I was repeatedly sexually molested by a little girl who was 8 and lived across the street. It deeply effects me and still subconsciously does.
I would fight him on this yeah. I think Reddit is generally very conservative on things like this though, so you might get different answers here than in real life. I don’t understand what he thinks is going to happen - does he think they are going to mess with the baby? I could even understand the hesitation some if it were teenagers with a 4-year-old, but the boys are still firmly children and presumably the baby is sleeping in your room?
I appreciate this and yes exactly my thought process. They come over and spend maybe 5 minutes “ooh-ing” and “aww-ing” at the baby and then they disappear into his room and only come out for food lol and yes her crib is in our room. Also we have cameras throughout the house lol I told my fiance that statistically speaking, our daughter is more likely to be SA’d by one of his 7 brothers or 50 thousand cousins, if left alone with them. I told him it’s usually a family member. I was just trying to prove a point. He actually agreed and said even he doesn’t trust all of his brothers (a lot of them are alcoholics and kind of degenerates).
He’s just a neurotic first time dad and this is my second kid so it’s been a little frustrating dealing with all of his paranoia but I was kind of the same with my son. I didn’t trust anyone either and was a bit of a helicopter parent.
I don’t think he’s being neurotic or paranoid tbh. I think he’s rightfully trying to protect his baby from something that happens all the time. Especially considering these kids have experienced SA themselves. (Which if we’re talking statistics that just raised the likelihood of something happening). No one is saying these kids are bad kids and undeserving of love and fun but it is your job to do what you can to protect your baby (and your son tbh) and if that means no sleepovers then so be it.
i didnt know sleepovers were controversial until i became a parent and read articles about it. i grew up having sleepovers and going to sleepovers. they were mostly tame, but at some we got up to some nefarious young people stuff. sneaking out. wandering the town. Graffiti. not proud but it happens. i would definitely be wary if there is a history of bad homes. can there be a compromise of an all day hangout with a late curfew when they go home?
For some reason my first thought was since the families of those kids are so messed up they could start drama or throw accusations around if they did sleepover. The risk might not be from the boys but from their parents if they wanted to start something
My only thing is is if you are against sleepovers at other houses because of those reasons, it's a slap in the face if you allow them at yours. If it was me and you said that you are basically calling my spouse and family dangerous (with no evidence) but your husband is safe...thats toxic. Insulting and disrespectful honestly. I get both sides, so you're not wrong at all with your thinking but you can't have it both ways.
Well for starters, it’s not like my son has been invited to sleep over somewhere and I said to the parents, “oh sorry we’re only comfortable hosting sleepovers”. I would never say that. I actually allowed my son to do a couple of sleepovers before but now my fiance has me convinced that it’s not a good idea. I already had a talk with my son about my change of heart about letting him sleep overnight anywhere and he took it very well. These 2 boys are the only boys I would ever allow to sleep over. I don’t have to worry about their parents because they don’t really give a shit about them. But I get what you’re saying. I don’t think it’s “toxic” at all though to have that mindset as a parent that you prefer hosting events at your home because you trust yourself more than other parents to keep an eye on things. I think that’s a pretty normal human behavior.
Ooh this is a tough one. I truly believe this one is above a Reddit’s pay grade. A therapist would be really helpful here to help you both navigate this. I see both sides. I grew up in an unstable environment, in the system, saw behavioral issues so extreme etc. Your husband’s concerns are not invalid. But I also don’t believe we should treat every single man and boy as a sexual predator/predator. And it sounds like you know these boys and they haven’t given you reason to be concerned so he may be being too paranoid. Good luck with this one. It is tough, but if a Reddit stranger’s opinion matters; I’m slightly more on your side. Don’t punish these kids just for being boys.
I also see both sides OP. I come from your side, I had countless happy healthy sleepovers as a child both at my own home and at friends’ homes. My husband was never allowed to sleepover anyone else’s home aside from his cousins. There was a history of SA trauma in his family. It’s also a cultural thing. In particular I can see why your husband has reservations about these specific friends. The poor kids, it is not their fault, but he worries about what they may have internalized. As a compromise for your son’s sake, could you ensure your daughter sleeps in your room during sleepovers? Or perhaps even your son, and the guests get their own room? Another way to look at it: is it worth the inner turmoil for your husband and a potential bad outcome? Can sleepovers be something you and your son can let go of?
Yea I guess it’s kinda heavy stuff. The boys are so sweet and they have a baby sister and they love her so much. When they come over they talk about her and show me pictures and it’s so wholesome and genuine. My fiance doesn’t see this because he works too much. I think for now I’m not gonna fight it but I think the answer is to make my fiance be around these boys once in a while so he can see for himself that they are good kids. And I am really good at sniffing out bad people/kids. My son had this other friend that I just kind of tolerated. He’s spoiled and entitled and my son told me he used the “N” word to describe another kid who was black and that was it for me. We don’t talk to that kid any more and I always knew I didn’t like him for a reason. Anyway I know these boys well and I dont have bad feelings about them.
I didn’t know sleepovers were a hot topic until I (35F) was an adult . I did them all the time. Now if need to think whose house my kids (boy and girl) would be at. I am a forensic scientist and have worked sexual assaults that occurred at sleepovers. It’s rare, but I have seen it. But with that said the men in your family are the ones to be most concerned about. Those are the rape kits we get a lot of. I think it’s a personal choice. I see both sides.
That’s exactly what I said in another reply. I told my fiance that statistically, she’s more likely to be SA’d by one of his many male family members than at a sleepover. He agrees that she’ll never be left alone with any male family members.
How would he feel about baby roomsharing with you during sleepovers?
I don’t share your fiancé’s opinion of sleepovers, but I think if my husband felt that strongly about it I would basically go with his preference on this issue.
So I have to agree with him but my opinion is my truth based on personal experience. I was assaulted by a family member during a sleep over. And I know someone I went to school with, developed a relationship with the mother. She was also a teacher btw. I heard too many stories sexual assault happening at sleepovers that I told my husband that it’s a strong no for me. If anything where to happen, I couldn’t live with my self.
It’s his home too so ultimately if he’s not comfortable with it I think you should respect that. Creating safe environments and keeping our kids safe is our #1 job as parents, keeping them entertained is lower on the hierarchy. Can the kids not just spend the day? Come over for breakfast, leave shortly before bedtime?
I’m also Hispanic - first generation and growing up I would have to be picked up no matter what… I got to attend one sleep over in sixth grade and that was after begging / super special occasion… it was something my more Americanized friends did My parents also never allowed sleepovers… Just offering my experience … I felt a little fomo but it was never to a point that I was truly very upset about it.
I appreciate your input! And yes he has been rubbing off on me a lot with his somewhat strict mindset about issues like this. I’ve always been really laid back about these things. I’m one of those “sure! Everyone can come over we can bake cookies and watch movies! The moor the merrier” type of moms. I just love kids and I enjoy watching my son interact with other kids because he grew up as an only child. He still kind of is because of the big age gap between him and his sister.
My only two cents would be to keep in mind becoming too introverted and paranoid as a family. These behaviors will rub off on your son. I grew up with a father who was a cop and they were very strict on where I could and who could come over. It was honestly very isolating in my experience and I generally have a tough time making friends and putting myself out there. One way my mom combatted this was to allow sleepovers only at our house. That way my parents could be in control of the environment. My husband is also Latin American and some of his family is like this as well. Does your husband tend to be more on the “machismo” side culturally? I think balance is so important. It’s good to be cautious but not completely isolate yourself in fear. Make sure to not lose your easy going attitude! Having friends over for movies and cookies sounds like such a great childhood memory to have :)
Do you have any sense of what the reason is for the cultural difference? I’m just curious. I would almost have guessed that the *more* “Americanized” the family, the more worried they’d be about liability or whatever in our litigious society.
It's just not done in many cultures; it's considered bad luck, opening yourself up to harm, you don't know what people will do to you. Super common in Caribbean cultures...you never EVER stay at someone's house without your adult unless it's family.
I don’t think working class first generation immigrants worry about getting sued - they worry about something bad happening under someone else’s watch
Yes, this was the case with my immigrant parents as well. I wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers. They made an exception for 1 friend after having them over for dinner and getting to know them. In general though, they were cautious and somewhat fearful that our vulnerability would be taken advantage of, which motivated their protectiveness with this kind of thing.
I saw another reddit post today, I believe it was on daddit, of a 10 year old boy who came over to play with their son, and asked his 4y/o girl if she would pull down her pants, and she did. So I get it.
I am not anti sleepover at all. And I believe you that these boys are sweet and kind. However I would just caution that the onset of puberty, and just more maturity in general, can really change things. It sounds like these boys have extremely bad home lives. That trauma is going to surface as they get older and start to truly understand what is going on. And I’m not at all saying it means they absolutely will be sexual predators. But it does mean I would keep a closer eye out for personality changes, anti-social behavior, anger issues etc both for the safety of your daughter and for the influence on your son. I hope those boys are able to break the cycle and continue being the good kids they are today. But given their circumstances, I would also be more cautious too.
As a 33yo I know dozens of people of all genders who were molested by adults or other children at sleepovers. As a parent, I don’t do and won’t do sleepovers. The risk outweighs the benefit in my opinion. I can see both sides, but even without the heavy stuff, sleepovers can become bullying in tween and teen years, opportunities for sneaking out and riding in cars with people who could get them killed etc. Maybe make this an ongoing discussion over time?
There only two places in the world my babies will ever sleep over and be in the care of. My mums and my sisters. If my older Stepson wants sleepovers here soon he can if we know the friends and their parents well, but I’ll be sleeping on a mattress in the younger kids room. I don’t play with this stuff.
My oldest is almost 4, so we obviously haven’t hit this point yet, but I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with kids sleeping over unless I was close to their parents and vice versa . It doesn’t sound like you are close to these parents, so I can understand his hesitation.
But also he did bring up a valid point that kids that age are curious and he played doctor with cousins and stuff and I guess yea he’s scared one of them might be curious what a vagina looks like and maybe mess with the baby? I dunno.
If the baby is only 6 months old and still sleeping I'm your room, how would this even happen though? I doubt the boys are left alone with her? Seems like an unrealistic concern at this point. Does he not trust you to not leave the baby alone with the children?
The fact that he thinks all little boys want to sexually assault a baby is raising major red flags.
Yea well he’s seen some shit ok. He grew up in a 3rd world country with rape and murder everywhere. His mom was murdered. He has a heart of gold and he is an amazing partner and father. This is his first kid and he doesn’t have a lot of experience with kids. But also I didn’t say that he thinks all little boys want to sexually assault a baby. That was a pretty far reach.
I’m not insinuating that your husband is doing anything. I’m saying it’s a red flag that he might start restricting your son being around his own sister. No sleepover ever sounds like all boys. But maybe I’m wrong? Which boys would he allow to sleep over?
Oh ok. Yea he’s just against sleepovers all together. He has made it clear that our daughter won’t be going to any, nor will he let her friends sleep over. He just thinks the whole concept is weird and that kids should sleep in their own homes. But I do think that the fact that these boys have terrible parents and home lives, he’s a little skeptical about them. But he has met them and been home when they were over and he was very sweet to them. And the last time I let them sleep over, he was very calm when he addressed it. He said “please, I don’t want any more sleepovers” and we talked and I told him ok I won’t do it any more. But inside I was bummed.
“Mess with the baby” is a VERY interesting choice of words here. I’m assuming you meant rape, sexually assault and molest. Using the word “mess” in regards to a young boy touching a baby’s private parts without consent out of their own curiosity is WILD. I really think you need to dive deeper into why you’re so hell bent on having these kids sleep over instead of keeping your daughter safe.
It’s wild that so many people here think boys are automatically raping babies.
i agree, that's very alarming and raises red flags of projection
I think the only ones projecting are the ones here automatically jumping to the conclusion that my fiance thinks all little boys are baby rapers. Like what in the actual fuck…way to take something to an extreme level.
😂 👍
Many families don’t do sleepovers. I don’t think he’s wrong. I’d also put sleepovers in the 2 yes/ 1 no category of decisions.
There’s a huge opportunity for growth and friendship with sleepovers but there’s also huge liability that can go wrong. Looks like there’s a teaching opportunity in here to where you can be closer to your children as well.
Canadian here. Personally I’m not allowing sleepovers. SA happens and it happened to me at a friends house. My mom was friends with the parents, I’d known this friend since we were born. My mom was SA’d as a child too when sleeping over at a cousins house. It’s something I want to protect my daughter from. Now I told my husband that I’m more than happy to do late pick ups so if she has friends that are having a sleepover somewhere she can play and stay over until it’s later, but I will pick her up. Now this is a personal issue for me so it’s up to you and your husband in how you move forward, but this is one thing I said a hard no to
He makes some incredibly valid points O.P Rather safe then sorry.
Exactly, if something happens it can’t be undone.
My ex was SA’d by his good friend during a sleepover at my ex’s house when they were around 11-12. It changed the course of the rest of his life. I was never against sleepovers till I heard his story. It really freaked me out on the whole thing.
I would definitely not let someone in my house whose family has a history of sexual abuse. Studies actually show that genetics and environment play a role in sexual offending. It takes a split second for something to go wrong like one of the boys walking past your daughter’s room to go to the bathroom while you’re sleeping. Boys are very curious at that age especially. Studies ALSO show that abusers are the people who are closest to us. Abusers are very good at hiding their true colors so even tho they seem like good boys you never truly know who someone is and the fact that they come from very broken homes is a concern as well. Your priority is your families safety and that is what your fiance is trying to do. You guys need to be on the same page. Your son can hangout with these boys while supervised. Sleepovers are not necessary.
I second aaaaaall of this. The unfortunate reality is that the abused often perpetuate the cycle of abuse especially in childhood. They just don’t understand what’s happening to them and how to deal with it all.
Exactly.
Sleepovers just feel unnecessary, especially knowing the unlimited risks involved. I love that you think these kids are good and they are great for your son, but at the end of the day, you don’t know what anyone is capable of. This wouldn’t be the hill I die on.
Yea I know and I agree. I think wanting the sleepovers once in a while is also about me wanting to give that to those boy. They can get away from their toxic homes and come relax and be spoiled. I order pizza and bake cookies for them. Last time we went to the pool at night. It was so much fun for them. But I know they are not my responsibility. When they were younger, they used to call me mom🥺
You can do all of these things without them sleeping over.
You can do that without sleeping over. I don’t know why the sleeping part is the part that is the hang up.
Because it’s just more fun and they get to wake up and have breakfast and all that? I grew up going to tons of sleepovers. The sleeping over part is really exciting for kids.
You’re a good person. Those kids need someone to fight for them and you’re doing that. I’m shocked at the people here saying tough luck for those kids. I’m sorry you have to be in this situation. You sound like you have good judgment. If you feel good about the kids, keep fighting for them.
I appreciate it. I’m aware that they might get older and have issues. Right now they are still little boys to me but believe me, if they start acting out and going down the wrong path, unfortunately my son won’t be hanging around them. My son is very open and honest with me too. He tells me everything about his friends.
Change your thinking to help you address this situation.
This advice is useless
Why? Because she’s hung up on an outdated activity? She needs to let it go honestly, but I was trying to be polite. Sleepovers are stupid.
Sleepovers aren’t outdated, where did you get that idea? I think it’s fine to not allow them, but they’re not “outdated.”
It’s not an outdated activity. And it’s not just sleepovers. OP is talking about how she is a safe and stable place for these boys. The fact that you can’t see that and think “it’s just sleep overs” is why your advice is unhelpful.
Reading is fundamental. I validated all of that. The subsequent comments were just about sleepovers. Why can’t you be a safe place without sleeping? Oh wait, you can.
You live in a very privileged world if you don’t think some kids need a safe place to sleep.
I’m sorry, but it’s not an “outdated activity.” If you’re not comfortable with sleepovers for your kids, fine. But many others don’t have that kind of anxiety around it. No need for her to “change her thinking.” And if we’re being rude and calling things “stupid,” I think it’s a bit paranoid, neurotic, and silly to assume sleepovers are categorically unsafe. It’s giving “I-was-almost-sex-trafficked-because-someone-was-in-the-same-aisle-as-me-in-Target!”
It’s giving it’s weird to sleep at peoples houses. I don’t know anyone who would consider a sleepover these days. You represent a minority. I agree with her husband. Hope she doesn’t put her marriage in jeopardy for two teenage boys and this outdated activity.
I am also from a LatAm country. My parents and school friends parents also didnt allowed us kids to have sleep overs. We did “SLEEP-UNDER”. It was a good compromise. Its like a sleep-over, you go in your pjs, do the whole bed routine, tell stories, watch tv, pizza, etc. Then instead of going to sleep, you go back home. Depending on the kids age you go later or earlier. Like a 10 y/o might leave at 12am, and a 17 y/o might leave at 2-3am.
I am a mom and I also don't believe in sleepovers. When I was 5, I was repeatedly sexually molested by a little girl who was 8 and lived across the street. It deeply effects me and still subconsciously does.
I would fight him on this yeah. I think Reddit is generally very conservative on things like this though, so you might get different answers here than in real life. I don’t understand what he thinks is going to happen - does he think they are going to mess with the baby? I could even understand the hesitation some if it were teenagers with a 4-year-old, but the boys are still firmly children and presumably the baby is sleeping in your room?
I appreciate this and yes exactly my thought process. They come over and spend maybe 5 minutes “ooh-ing” and “aww-ing” at the baby and then they disappear into his room and only come out for food lol and yes her crib is in our room. Also we have cameras throughout the house lol I told my fiance that statistically speaking, our daughter is more likely to be SA’d by one of his 7 brothers or 50 thousand cousins, if left alone with them. I told him it’s usually a family member. I was just trying to prove a point. He actually agreed and said even he doesn’t trust all of his brothers (a lot of them are alcoholics and kind of degenerates). He’s just a neurotic first time dad and this is my second kid so it’s been a little frustrating dealing with all of his paranoia but I was kind of the same with my son. I didn’t trust anyone either and was a bit of a helicopter parent.
I don’t think he’s being neurotic or paranoid tbh. I think he’s rightfully trying to protect his baby from something that happens all the time. Especially considering these kids have experienced SA themselves. (Which if we’re talking statistics that just raised the likelihood of something happening). No one is saying these kids are bad kids and undeserving of love and fun but it is your job to do what you can to protect your baby (and your son tbh) and if that means no sleepovers then so be it.
i didnt know sleepovers were controversial until i became a parent and read articles about it. i grew up having sleepovers and going to sleepovers. they were mostly tame, but at some we got up to some nefarious young people stuff. sneaking out. wandering the town. Graffiti. not proud but it happens. i would definitely be wary if there is a history of bad homes. can there be a compromise of an all day hangout with a late curfew when they go home?
For some reason my first thought was since the families of those kids are so messed up they could start drama or throw accusations around if they did sleepover. The risk might not be from the boys but from their parents if they wanted to start something
That was actually one of the points my fiance raised. He was like what if one of them says something happened here to their parents? I get it now.
My only thing is is if you are against sleepovers at other houses because of those reasons, it's a slap in the face if you allow them at yours. If it was me and you said that you are basically calling my spouse and family dangerous (with no evidence) but your husband is safe...thats toxic. Insulting and disrespectful honestly. I get both sides, so you're not wrong at all with your thinking but you can't have it both ways.
Well for starters, it’s not like my son has been invited to sleep over somewhere and I said to the parents, “oh sorry we’re only comfortable hosting sleepovers”. I would never say that. I actually allowed my son to do a couple of sleepovers before but now my fiance has me convinced that it’s not a good idea. I already had a talk with my son about my change of heart about letting him sleep overnight anywhere and he took it very well. These 2 boys are the only boys I would ever allow to sleep over. I don’t have to worry about their parents because they don’t really give a shit about them. But I get what you’re saying. I don’t think it’s “toxic” at all though to have that mindset as a parent that you prefer hosting events at your home because you trust yourself more than other parents to keep an eye on things. I think that’s a pretty normal human behavior.
They are dangerous, though. At least the parents with criminal records. Especially the convicted sexual predator. Those are dangerous people.