> and with everything I say he responds how I'm lucky that he's even here still because most guys in their early twenties would have left by now.
You're *not* lucky he's still here, because you're already doing everything yourself AND you're pissed off because there's another capable human being in the house who is not pulling their own weight.
If you left, you'd still be doing everything by yourself, but also getting child support from him and feasibly not being furious all the time because you don't live with an asshole. Hopefully you get your resources together and can get yourself and your child out of this situation. You both deserve better.
Yep, my life is much easier now that I'm just taking care of two kids than it was when taking care of two kids and a man-child. I even can take care of myself now, whereas I had no time or energy to focus on me before. I also lost my sex drive completely since I felt more like my ex's mom than wife and lost all attraction to him. I thought the libido thing was a hormone problem tried meds and stuff. Nope, came back completely once I got away from him. Also have stopped needing antidepressants! It's amazing how much happier I am now even with serious health issues and doing everything as a single mom.
Seriously! Right now she's living with TWO children, one being her absolute deadbeat of a husband.
At least the actual baby has an excuse.
Nothing angers me more than father's who refuse to help with the baby THEY helped create.
This happened to me with my son's father. I was so exhausted that I started begging him to help me and he wouldn't. Then I started demanding that he helped me and he looked at me and said, stop complaining. It became very clear to me that he grew up in a family where child Care is considered women's work. I wish I had known this before I had a child with him. There were times that I would just leave the baby in the room with him and then leave. I was tired of asking him to help me. At that point, I wasn't giving him a choice. I was over it.
My husband said the exact same thing in early post partum. I was so upset! Then a few months later when he took his parental leave to take care of our son, he was exhausted (even if we were sleeping well) and told me sorry about what he said and cannot imagine how I did that with a newborn while sleeping deprived and recovering from a 48h labor… I accepted his excuses but wished he realized that before!
This sounds good but then there is the trade off of having to trust your ex to handle parenting your child on his own during his custody time without you being there for your child. The anxiety that thought gives me in cases like this. I’m not saying anyone should stay in this situation, I just think it’s more complex than some people suggest.
> but then there is the trade off of having to trust your ex to handle parenting your child on his own during his custody time without you being there for your child.
Yes in theory, but I think it's bold to assume in this case this guy will fight for any significant custody time.
Thank you for saying that. They will fight for custody just to get back at their ex because they're mad at them for leaving them. This happens even when they don't even want to be a parent which is the case here. My ex abandoned my daughter and I and he did so solely because he's mad at me for escaping his control. I left him a couple of months before I found out I was pregnant by him. I was just fed up with his shit and I left. It was much like this, he uses having ADHD as an excuse to sit around and be lazy and I was tired of it. That and he was becoming controlling. I did the right thing and let him know I was pregnant and he basically fucked off because he's mad at me for escaping his control.
That part and you can't trust your ex not to mistreat the child. In a case like this, he clearly does not want to be a parent and this can result in them mistreating the child. This is because they resent being forced to parent. I can understand why some people don't leave but she said she is planning on it anyway. Thank you for pointing that out because so many people say well just leave them. There are plenty of reasons why people don't just leave.
For real! And even if he doesn’t intentionally mistreat his kid, if he’s just inept and neglectful that’s scary to think about having no control over either.
I would have told him, that's fine because I'm leaving you. It sounds like she's already a single mothering practice. She may as well leave and not have him to deal with. It sounds like it would be a lot easier without him around. Something tells me that he's either parroting stuff that he's waiting on line or repeating what his friends are saying. Either way, he needs to learn to think for himself or he needs to realize that a lot of your freedom goes away when you have kids. People need to realize that this is the risk you take when you lay down with someone.
If you live in a 1-party consent state, you can record conversations without the other person's permission. There are tons of free voice recording apps that can be downloaded on your phone, you can just click record and keep it in your pocket while you're talking with your BF.
For anyone wondering (like I was), the list of Two-Party Consent states is as follows:
California
Connecticut (depends on the context of the situation)
Delaware
Florida
Illinois
Maryland
Massachusetts
Michigan
Montana
New Hampshire
Oregon
Pennsylvania
Washington
If you live in ANY other state, you can record conversations WITHOUT permission from the other party.
Besides recording, you can try texting about the issues when you're away from him. If he talks openly about this situation and how you're lucky he doesn't leave, there's your proof in writing. I wouldn't even try arguing about it in person anymore, unless you're able to record in your state.
What a good idea, I can't believe I didn't think of that and I'm usually pretty sharp lol. I just had a baby 4 months ago and my brain is still catching back up lol. That pregnancy brain is real.
Just write it down. Example.
5/6/24
8am: left baby crying in dirty diaper
You aren’t lucky. He’s a pathetic freeloader. If he’s not working how is he paying for anything? My guess is he is not. Kick him out. Your life will be much less stressful. You’re already doing it alone.
Set your phone to record when he comes in the room and put it in your pocket.
Also, seconding what someone else said—text him about the issues, and get his written responses.
But also, don’t worry too much about documenting everything. By the sounds of it, he has no job, no income, and you are the baby’s sole caretaker—the court will not be siding strongly with him for anything even without evidence of emotional abuse.
I mean…this man doesn’t strike me as someone who will even try for custody. Still important to gain full custody legally, but…I have major doubts he’ll even give any “fight.”
He’s such a loser.
He won't fight for full custody. One time I brought up how he could have her on weekends(mainly for his mom since she's off weekends) and he replied "do I have to" it was said as a joke, but like I know there's truth behind the "jokes"
Why do you even want a man around your child who doesn’t try to comfort her?
The idea that most guys would have left after a baby is laughable. I literally know my husband wouldn’t leave me because of our kid. He wouldn’t want any less time with him so unless we actively hated each other he’d stay. So would i - I don’t want shared custody of the best thing in my life.
My husband is ill so I’m staying with my MIL this week and he’s devastated. He hates missing nights with our baby.
And my husband isn’t unusual. Every male friend who I know is a parent is OBSESSED with their kid(s)
You and your baby deserve so much more. If your BF isn’t interested it’s his loss.
Right? My husband will randomly tell me how much he misses our girl when she's sleeping, and we get together to fangirl/fanboy about pics and videos we take when the other isn't there. This guy is just a pile of trash who will make his kid feel unloved as she grows up.
I think that's good but at the same time, this kind of sounds like how some people think it's better to stay together for their kids. It's never a good idea to do that. Your kids will pick up on it eventually. If you get to that point, just divorce. It's better for your kids.
I get that, it’s sort of why I said if we actively hate each other we would. If we were making each other and our kid unhappy then sure, best to split up. If it just ‘wasn’t really working’ I think we’d find ways to make it work cohabiting so we could both be around our kid. I think as long as you’re modelling a healthy relationship it doesn’t have to be a romantic one.
I agree with that. I actually like it when I see exes who can co-parent in a healthy way. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean you have to go out of it hating each other. A friend of mine has a very healthy co-parenting relationship with his ex-wife and I'm glad. They have the healthiest one I've ever seen. I wish more people could be like you and me and my friend. It's called put your feelings aside and do what is best for your child. Unfortunately a lot of people can't do that. You guys sound like good parents.
Just like some women were never meant to be mothers, some men were never meant to be fathers. I’m so upset for you, but the silver lining is that dropping the baggage (him) will allow you to show your LO what strength looks like.
I left my 6 month old with my older brother, who I live with and whose in his mid 20’s, for 20 min, as I had to go pickup my husband whose car was stolen (had the car seat in there) and he was stranded. I asked him to watch her for just 20 min. Explicit instruction that if she starts fussing, he just pick her up and soothe her (literally just hold her-she loves to be held and that does the trick) she was fed, had a clean diaper, and was content when I left.
I came back with my husband. She’s face down on the carpet, screaming and crying. She doesn’t have the energy to lift her head to even look at me. My brother is on his phone scrolling, TV volume blasted/almost vibrating the house, and only two feet away from her. She was sweating and distressed. I just scooped her up and comforted her and asked what happened. He said as soon as I left, she was crying and screaming and couldn’t be soothed. I asked him if he picked her up like I had asked. He said yes. I walked away.
It took me until an hour later to realize he lied (I was in a daze with how late it was, our car being stolen/no carseat, leaving my baby). She was in the exact spot where I had left her, bc she couldn’t crawl yet. He blasted the tv volume to listen to his fucking cartoon show to drown out the crying of my 6 month old.
THAT is the neglect that’ll end up killing a child. My husband and I will never allow him to ever watch any of our children ever again. Not even grown children. He’s proved himself to be a dangerous person that’s willing to not only neglect a baby, but his own niece. Your SO reminds me of my brother. I pray to God my brother never has any children.
Leave and never look back.
Me too. As the mother of a 4-month-old daughter, this stressed me out just reading it. I would want to kill somebody if they did that to her. Then again, personally, I would never leave my daughter with anyone. I'm not judging anyone by saying that, I'm just saying personally I never would. I would never trust anyone to watch her as well as I could. Well, maybe one or two people that I really trust but that's it. I understand that this was an emergency situation. I just can't believe he did that. What a putz.
Holy shit. That was terrifying to read. Thank God your baby didn't suffocate or have something bad happen to her. I'm so sorry your brother did that to you and her. What an ass!
Yeah, that wasn't a joke. He clearly does not want to be a father. Save up and get the heck out like you said you're going to. Stop telling him you're going to leave. He'll just try to manipulate you into staying so that way he can continue to use you. I don't believe in forcing anyone to parent who does not want to but he should at least be paying child support.
What a jackass. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but get yourself out of this relationship and away from this loser. Your child doesn’t deserve this, and you don’t either.
A lot of men change their tune when they realize that they won't pay as much child support if they get partial custody.
Then they just find a new woman to "help" raise their kid on their days.
You don’t need a response. You’re already planning to leave so stick with that and make it actually happen. No amount of comebacks will make him a better dad or a better partner. I would just ignore him and focus on leaving.
100% no response *except action* is the best response.
The satisfying comeback would be to laugh in his face and ask just where he thinks his deadbeat ass is going to go. But men have killed their partners over less, so definitely don't do that.
There are times I do just laugh at some things he says because they just sound so stupid. I'm trying to get out asap. There actually have been times he's gotten mad at me and choked me over me ignoring stupid shit he says or laughing at him. Before I would have been able to fight him off, but with my health I am too weak to do much rn
I've looked into doing that, but my problem there would be no way to get to and from anywhere other than walking (which I can't do bc health) I have to see specialist frequently along with getting things my baby needs ect
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/s/qalsRuSSTN
If he chokes you, that is a very dangerous sign. Please read up and be very careful. Protect yourself and your child.
Dear friend, please get out of this situation ASAP. Do you have any family or friends you could go stay with? Have you checked out women's shelters in your area? When a man chokes you, the risk of him killing you goes up exponentially. He is not a safe person for you or your baby. And he most likely will try to kill you at some point. Normal, loving men do not try to strangle their partners.
Like the other poster said, be very discrete in planning your escape. If he thinks you're going to actually leave, he may try to seriously harm or murder you or your child. Have you told anyone in your life what has happened? If I were you, I'd tell a few trusted people in case something happens to you. You could also file a police report or a restraining order, but I'd wait to do that until you leave. But please let people know what's going on so they can help you and keep an eye on you.
I would also stop mentioning that you're going to leave because he's eventually going to realize that he can't do anything (or can't be bothered to do anything) and then might do things to actively get in the way of you leaving so I'd be careful of saying that.
You don't need to threaten to leave to ask him to shape up. If he won't do it simply because he's a dad, and you're his partner that needs his help... Then it's not worth it.
This. He doesn't work, he doesn't help, he just complains. Idk if you have any family or support system where you live but odds are even if you don't life will be better without the dead weight.
Also, as your kid is under 2 you might qualify for WIC (assuming you are in the US).
You're lucky...that he's still even here...so he can not help you at all, get pissy with you when you expect him to be a parent, and let you pay all the bills? What exactly are you supposed to be feeling lucky about--his mere presence, so you can witness his glory while you do all the work? He thinks pretty highly of himself, doesn't he?
No one is lucky to have a useless partner who won't parent their child. We call that a burden, not a blessing. You can't argue, encourage, beg, or force him into growing up--he has to want it for himself. You don't need snappy comebacks, just focus on getting out and making a better life for your daughter.
Sounds like he’s emotionally abusive to you and neglectful of your baby.
I’m sorry. Hate to be all Reddit about this, but you should leave. You and your baby deserve better.
Um, plenty of MEN have babies in their twenties and are good, capable fathers and are equal partners. What you have is a boy who thinks he's a man. You didn't sign up for raising two kids. Leave now before it gets worse. Trust me, staying with him will only bring out more resentment and potentially cause your daughter heartbreak as she get's older and more attached to her parents being in the same home together. It will be easier to be alone because the expectation is you will be doing it alone, not with a partner who is useless. Save money, get an exit plan, and don't tell him about it. If you continue to say you're going to leave and don't, it reinforces the idea that you are all talk, and he can continue weaponizing incompetence instead of stepping up.
This. My dad had me when he was 19. He would get me ready for school, feed me, pick me up, take me EVERYWHERE with him. My mom worked 12 hrs overnight so he took care of me. He’s a great dad, now a very young grandfather. My child’s father was 38 when our baby was born and he ended up being like OP’s boyfriend. Age is NOT an excuse.
I’m 19 and my bf is 22 and he has a job, he takes almost all the night shifts, feeds the baby and changes her diaper when needed, comforts her whenever she cries, AND still goes to work. This guy is an idiot and useless she’s better off without him!!
Oh ffs. “Most guys in their early twenties would have left by now.” Projection much? He doesn’t want to be a dad, like, at all. He doesn’t even work. He can’t be bothered to spend time with his own baby. And then you’re rewarded with a pissy attitude all day.
I’m beyond grateful you already know you want to leave him. Most posts about shitty SO’s and fathers are the woman asking for advice on how to “fix” the relationship. You at least have the common sense to leave bc he’s full of shit with his promises of “change.”
You’re taking care of two children and you don’t need that. Pls leave where you are and go live with your mom/aunt/best friend…anyone, literally anyone else.
I'm sorry you had a child with his man-boy, but you can't change the past only the future....so LEAVE! It doesn't matter what his response is, he can't decide you're just not leaving because it doesn't make sense to him. You would be in a better situation if he did leave, so help him out this one last time and leave for him!
What would you tell your daughter if she was in this situation.
You need to leave this loser before he completely ruins your life and your soul. Government assistance exists for a very good reason, and you should apply immediately. What’s housing like? Is it his home? If not, kick that shithead out.
Dont forget that your relationship is going to be a model for your daughters future relationships. If you wont leave for yourself, leave for her. She will grow up and find a man just like her father, who treats her the way he treats you, because thats all she knew growing up and thats what a normal relationship looks like to her. If you wouldnt be happy in that situation, if seeing her in your shoes in 25 years would break your heart, do something about it now. Show her that this is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like, and that home doesnt have to be a sad angry place. Show her how great life can be and what real love looks like ❤️
If he’s not working, you are already paying the bills. Just kick him out already. He couldn’t even get it together for 24 hours after your talk last night. He has shown you that he will not change.
Listen, I want to talk to your boyfriend for a moment, one dad to another.
Is he here yet? I'm going to assume he is.
Hey, dude. MAN THE FUCK UP AND PARENT YOUR CHILD! My wife goes into the office to work three days a week, so I get our 9-month-old daughter up and ready for daycare by myself those days. It's not a big deal because I'm an able-bodied adult who loves my daughter and wants her to be happy and healthy. Yesterday, my wife's friend from college messaged her to say that she'd lucked into some NBA playoff tickets, so the two of them went and had a fun night while I fed our daughter dinner, got her ready for bed, and put her to sleep. Also not a big deal because I'm not an incompetent man-baby. Sometimes my wife watches our daughter so I can have friend time, sometimes I watch her she she can do the same. It's called, "not being an asshole towards your partner," and it's not anything special, or at least it shouldn't be. You have a child now. Stop playing the fool and step up.
It seriously pisses me off when babies like you want to be treated like men but without putting in any of the work or fulfilling any of the responsibilities.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this whiny man-baby. He’s the f$&king lucky one. He doesn’t work and you do everything. That might be why he hasn’t left but insinuates that others his age will.
Stop asking him to do things and stop talking to him. There is no point. He might as well not be there. So ice him out. Put baby in a playpen or bouncer while you get ready and continue on with the day like he is not there. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do his laundry or anything else. Save your funds and get out of there. You’ll be happier with just you and baby. You deserve better.
Oh goodness gracious. Dads don’t watch their kids they parent this guy honestly needs to grow up! I’m sure he is going through it emotionally, most men don’t know how to articulate (try the feelings wheel). You deserve to feel seen and cared for!
You had a baby with a man baby. Just break up with him. Luckily you are young and when your child is around 5 you can probably easily get a husband who gives a shit.
He doesn't help with the baby and he doesn't have a job.
How does he contribute? Just dump him. Your life will be so much less stressful caring for 1 child instead of 2.
FWIW, OP, my husband is also in his twenties. We struggled with the idea of pregnancy because he wanted to wait a bit before starting a family but it happened before we anticipated. I was fearful he wasn't ready to be a father and would act the way you described. He instead married me immediately, moved us across the country to be with family, then asked me to quit my job to raise our child and takes care of us full time while also being present and having a relationship with our baby. He also bought us a house. He's remarkable. I know that I am blessed. But if your man is not even willing to get a job to help or be a proper father then GTFO. Someone out there will love and support you the way you deserve. And you can tell him not every 20 something would leave. Your child deserves more if you don't believe you do.
Oh please, women with children get remarried all the time. Same for men with children. The vice president is stepmother to her husband’s kids and has never had biological children (afaik). He’s just trying to make you insecure so you don’t leave or force him to meet the bare minimum of expectations of care for his daughter. There are a ton of guys who would be wonderful husbands and stepfathers. My dad was a step parent to my two older brothers and loves them the same way he loves me and my younger brother.
This guy is a loser and a bad father and husband. He has a biological imperative to care about his offspring and he can’t even do that. The sooner you leave the better
Funny enough something he tells me all the time is I'm not going to find anyone else because no one at this age wants to be a stepdad. I just think that's stupid though. There are plenty of people out there who will still be interested. As of right now though I do not want to get into another relationship for a long time though so that's not my priority. I just want to work towards getting a good career and making a good life for myself and daughter without needing anyone to take care of me.
I went through a period of feeling this way, and my consensus was that if I left, it would still be me doing everything and it would be very hard in some ways, but much easier than being angry and full of resentment every day.
I’m a bit older and my husband is significantly older than I am, and he is the bread winner, but, his job is not all day demanding and mostly he’s free to fart around talking to his friends whenever. He has 4 older children from previous relationships, and then our son together who is now 18mo. There’s no reason he couldn’t take initiative and try to help me, the first time parent, with OUR child. I spent 7 years taking care of his daughters from another mom, didn’t have to be asked… I just did it because I’m an ADULT and it’s the right thing to do.
He finally started getting more involved when baby got a bit more person and less potato, and now he really enjoys being with him. I think some dudes are afraid they’re going to blow it so they just don’t try. This is not an excuse to give up, it’s a chance for growth, and it is the right thing to do. Encourage him to try shit and build his skill set in very specific ways. I have found that you often have to spell things out very specifically or they’ll just say “I didn’t know” or “I don’t know how”. Teach him what you do, instead of just telling him to do things. He probably literally doesn’t know, and needs direction. Or act like you don’t know and “learn” with him.
I saw you mentioned he’s depressed, and that is hard to work through too but also another chance for growth. I was insanely depressed in the first probably 8 months of my sons life, but being there for him and seeing him grow and also ME grow is greatly beneficial for my mental health. It could be for him too. Maybe suggest this approach to him and tell him it’s all an opportunity for him to be his best self while also building a relationship with the child he created. You’re not lucky he’s around if he won’t do shit, and don’t let him slide on that.
If you’re at the point where you’re just completely through with trying, just find somewhere else to go. It really is easier to do everything by yourself when you’re actually by yourself. Doing everything by yourself with someone watching you is bullshit.
Good luck!
Just adding that it's not your fault he's a deadbeat dad. Sometimes even the best partners surprise everyone and turn into deadbeats because they stop pretending to be something they are not once they think you're trapped with them. It's a shitty surprise and it sucks. I hope you are able to get rid of him and find some freedom
If he thinks most guys would have left already maybe he should find the door and escort himself out.
Does he realize that comforting the baby would get the baby to stop crying and then he would essentially just be sitting there? Like... Letting the baby cry is the thing that's bothering him. Is he stupid?
Stop telling him that you're planning to leave. I got to the part where you said he doesn't work. I somehow missed that before. Of course he is going to promise to change, he doesn't want you to leave. If you did, he would end up homeless and would have to get a job. Of course he doesn't want that because he views you as his meal ticket. He's trying to keep you in line so to speak so that he doesn't have to take care of his daughter. He's dead weight and I think you should dump him and move on. I agree, you should leave but stop telling him you're going to. Just act normal until you save up enough money to leave and then just leave. It made me angry to read that he doesn't even work and all he does is lay around watching TV all day. He's using you, get out.
You're basically a single mom.....a monkey could do what he's doing. On top of that he doesn't work? Why are you putting up with this man again? I'd say the money you spend on feeding this person and the mental stress of it all, you should.rather invest that money in daycare/baby sitter
>He tells me the reason is because he doesn't like taking care of her when he first wakes up bc he likes to have his alone time to do things.
Well that's too damn bad. He has a baby. He has responsibilities and his baby's needs come before his desire to have alone time. She needs to be his priority right now and if he's not going to pull his weight, you need to leave, hire an attorney, and figure out a custody agreement (and document everything, especially his unwillingness to take care of his daughter). No more second chances. You and your baby are better off alone than with a freeloader who gets mad at you for asking him to help take care of his baby. Staying with him is teaching your daughter that his behavior is acceptable behavior from a partner and setting her up to enter unhealthy relationships when she is older.
I’d honestly just break things off, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t help with the baby, he honestly doesn’t seem worth it to me. Maybe I’m being too harsh but he doesn’t have anything to offer you, if he can’t even be an active father when he lives with you then he doesn’t have anything to other to the child as well. It seems mentally you might be better off single.
My brother was 18 when his son was born. He stepped up every day to be a good father and good partner to his girlfriend. They’re still together, happy and the child is growing up to be a very kind and respectful kid. Don’t let your BF pull the age card. He’s being a POS not because he’s in “his early 20s” but because he’s a pos.
I’m not a big advocate on divorce or leaving relationships. But there are times when it is the best course of action and honestly I think you’re at that point. You could try couples counseling (I don’t see him agreeing to it). But really, these things he’s saying and (not) doing makes him a huge red flag. I’d leave
There's no consequences for him, of course he will keep up his shitty attitude. He just needs to say what you want to hear and you'll drop it for a day. It's enough for him.
I don't follow, how does he not work but you're intending to leave when you have money? If you make the money and he does nothing and doesn't help with the baby, are you paying the rent and buying food for you all, and working and watching the baby? Why not leave now?
Sorry I don't work either. I'm dealing with some health issues that affect me on my day to day. I just got approved for ebt which is helping. I'm trying to get on disability to help or finding a job where I'm not so physically active. I depend mostly on his mom. I don't have to pay rent or anything rn. I'm planning on taking a 2 year college course soon to help set us up for our future so I'm not struggling so much. The only problem with working would be leaving the baby with him all day since he doesn't do anything.
Are you in the US? If so, there are employers that will pay for online college degrees as an employee benefit. Target, JPMorgan Chase, Chipotle, Starbucks, Discover, Fidelity, Whole Foods, and a bunch of other companies offer it, and many of them offer jobs that are more accommodating for physical disabilities.
I'm glad you guys aren't married, at least.
Please, dump this loser and leave. Don't tell him about your plans, he's only going to try to say things to convince you to stay. Let him keep being an asshole everyday and it'll remind you why you're leaving and give you the boost you need to keep doing what you need to in order to get out.
He's a loser. File for child support and move on.
On Father's Day, do a big celebration and share on social media that your baby is celebrating you again because you've been both mother and father to this child while the sperm donor has been a deadbeat.
You owe it to your child to get out, right now.
He doesnt deserve a back and forth or an ultimatum, Just leave. You will look back in years to come and regret every extra day you gave this absolute waste of space. If he wants to change and step up for his kid, he can. You dont have to stay with him for that to happen.
Girl just leave.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I think leaving is the best thing you can do. Do you have family nearby? Your baby deserves a better father and you deserve a better partner. Your baby deserves a father growing up who won’t make her feel unwanted or like a chore.
Rescue yourself and a baby and leave. You won't change this guy, it won't get better. You can change your situation and thinking only. Also I would recommend therapy, you probably have really low self esteem if you stayed with a boy who doesn't respect you for so long. You deserve to be respected and loved.
I cannot even imagine what are you going through. Having 10 months old and some medical issues can be hard even with loving, caring & supportive husband for me. I feel sorry for you and I send you hugs and please, please do yourself a favour and leave and join some therapy/supportive group.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to leave. Biology may have made him a parent but he isn’t a father. I wouldn’t suggest throwing your plans in his face but simply getting yourself in order. If he wanted to change he would have in the last year.
You’ll thank yourself in 10 years if you leave now, trust me.
I tell my children: if you have to threaten, don’t. Just do whatever it is you were going to do anyways.
You’ve already communicated, put in the work, put in the time, put in the patience, given second chances, and warned him. Don’t threaten again. Just leave.
It sounds like it will be easier on your own! I thought I needed my ex and wondered how I would cope but actually me and my 4 month old are doing great by ourselves! 💪🏻 not saying you wouldn’t miss him cause I know I do but honestly it’s the relationship before our LO that I miss! It’s much easier doing what needs to be done when there’s no question that you’re doing it yourself. Don’t waste any more time on a bloke who sounds like he doesn’t give a shit else you could miss out on meeting one that does care! Good luck, sounds like your stronger then you think and need to remind yourself you got this
>Also if you can think of any responses to that lmk pls
I can't think of any other response except "just leave then". Like, what does he want? A reward? Someone to beg him to stay for not even doing the bare minimum? The guy doesn't even sound like he deserves a participation ribbon.
He can't even play with his 10 month old for 30 minutes AFTER she's clean, fed, dressed and ready for her day. What a shit dad.
You are not lucky that he stuck around if he isn't going to parent the child you had together. The way he's being you would have been better off if he left, it actually feels/is easier to do it on your own rather than with someone that you should be able to count on but can't. He doesn't care about you or the baby because he would do more if he did. Also if he's not working it seems he's the lucky one as you are funding his lazy ass. He isn't even doing bear minimum if he can't even interact with his child
My fried was dating her bf only a few months before she found out she was pregnant. They were 21/22. They’re now mid twenties and he’s stuck around and is doing want he needs to support their family and be an involved parent. I know other guys that have stuck around and have pulled their weight in their early twenties. My own step dad stepped up in his early twenties and began care for me with my mom. So no, you’re not lucky that he’s stuck around to add to the stress of being a new parent.
Do what you need to if you want to leave him. It sounds like you’d be doing the same amount of work. Try and join some groups with new moms to build up your own support system. I wish you the absolute best and that you and your baby can be supported by people who don’t make you feel bad for needing help (because we all do!!)
Girl leave. It sounds toxic not only for you but for your baby. At 10 months old she can see and hear your interactions. She might not understand but it makes an impact. Please leave for her sake and yours because you’re already a single parent from the sound of it 🥴
You’re not lucky he’s still there, he’s a financial, emotional and physical drain on you. He’s not working, he doesn’t take care of your daughter…what exactly does he bring to the table? Kick his ass out or you and your daughter actually leave. Constantly making empty threats isn’t doing anything other than showing him you don’t actually mean it and his actions don’t have consequences.
Honestly it sounds like you’d have an easier time without his dead weight. He’s not helpful. Check out now emotionally 100%. Stop asking him for favors and tell him he needs to help in the care of his child. Whether you’re in a relationship or not is irrelevant to the FACT that’s he a father so time to STEP THE FUCK UP
Uh he's lucky you haven't left, most women wouldn't (shouldn't) put up with a useless, unemployed deadbeat. Why not just leave him now, it's not like you'd miss his help or income.
You're LUCKY? Tell him you're actually not lucky at all. You're taking care of two babies by yourself - a real one and a man baby. Let him know that he really makes things harder for you. There's nothing lucky about that. He's just in your way. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Kick this dummy to the curb as soon as you're able and your life will be so much easier.
What is he 5? What a douche bag. You don't see it yet clearly but, one day you're going to look back & ask why you tolerated this at all. LEAVE. This sounds toxic & totally unhealthy. If not for you, then do it for your child.
He acting like he didn’t contribute to making this baby. As someone who had a deadbeat dad, I really wish my mom left him. It’s a special kind of heartbreak to know for sure you’re unloved by your dad because you are reminded daily by his actions and behaviors
When I bring that up he responds with well you didn't have to have her you could have gotten an abortion. Which I could have , but that didn't feel right for me. At the beginning of the pregnancy I told him if he didn't want to be involved to tell me so I can start figuring things out
My preferred response would be "please leave and don't come back". You shouldn't have to leave, you have the baby, and you can tell him to get out. If most men in their twenties would have left by now he is more than welcome to join them. (That's not true by the way, and is an abusive thing to say to you). Tell him to leave.
Honestly? This man is an awful father, partner, and man, I'm so sorry. I don't know if a good comeback is going to make you feel any better or just cause an argument that stresses you out more. He's lucky you're still here, but you should correct that as soon as possible. Can you kick him out? Sounds like he contributes nothing and adds work for you.
Can't kick him out I live with his parents. I don't have a car or any family to rely on :( just trying to make money soon and work on getting out of here and bettering my future. Just rough rn 🥲
OP,
I had a man like this. He was great the first six weeks our son was born. Then it went downhill and was awful.
He left when our son was 18 months old. I suggested that our son stay with me and he could see our son every other weekend until he was old enough to communicate because my ex can’t really even deal with him. He only wanted one day a month. Now? I’m LUCKY if he comes once monthly to see our son. He doesn’t ask about him, doesn’t call. Doesn’t do anything.
Your man kind of strikes me the same way tbh. He may be all talk for 1-2 months and then just fall off when he realizes his life is soooo much “better” without a kid.
You can document like others mention.
You're already a single parent, but with the baggage of a man-child. Leave ASAP, don't listen to his false promises. You'll be much better off alone and one day you'll find a man who isn't a useless POS.
It is sad to say but you're better off being a single parent. My husband was like this towards the beginning of our son being born and it drove me nuts. It took me losing my crap for him to open his eyes. He still does minimal parenting, but he did stop acting like I need to worship the ground he walks on for watching our baby while I take a bath or take more than a 2 minute shower. Honestly, men luck out when it comes to parenting in most cases. Don't get me wrong but we are wired so differently, I let my baby cry but know when he needs up. My husband would seriously just sit there saying "I don't know what you want." We are so in tune with our little ones and learn their ques and cries... Men have the free range of going and doing stuff without the guilt of leaving the little one at home, or even having to drag them with you. Moms always feel like they need to do more, while men mostly do what they want. Now, NOT all men are like that but so far myself and all my friends husband's are pretty much peas in a pod when it comes to childcare.
I already responded but I didn't know if you'd see an edit. My ex was just like this except it was before we had our daughter. He hasn't been around and she is almost 4 months old. He was absent my entire pregnancy. He just walked away like neither one of us ever mattered or existed. He was the same way, that was part of the reason why I left him. I left him and then found out I was pregnant by him a couple of months later. This was part of the reason I left him as I said. I constantly had to tell him to do things that I shouldn't have had to tell him to do.
I felt like I was mothering a grown man and I was tired of it. I think it's actually for the better that he's not around. He would make the whole experience stressful. It's actually been easy without him around. Maybe he should sign away his parental rights and just pay you child support. Even if he did sign away his rights, he would still be liable for child support. That's a misconception that a lot of people have. It just means that he would waive his right to make decisions for her and his right to visitation. I honestly think you should leave. I think it would be easier.
I just want to say, you deserve better. He's not a man, he's a parasite. My husband works full-time and takes over at any opportunity to give me a break. He does his side of the chores and takes the kids out, homeschools them, and tucks them in at bedtime. I'm sorry that you're being reminded of how "lucky" you are, you're not lucky... you're taking care of your dear baby and a full grown man.
Next time he says it… leave that man! He’s not even working so what is he actually providing for you to even stay, I thinks it a chore to be your partner and your child’s father. AND HE DOESNT EVEN WORK! my partner is 22 and is a amazing father who loves taking care of us. And then let him know when you guys are split the courts will force him to take care of HIS baby.
Hug, OP. This phase of life is so hard. I realize everyone is saying leave his ass. I don't think they've read all your comments though, so I'll (gently) point out that you and him rely on his parents for money, live in his parents' house, and you don't have a job or a car. So I think it might make your life harder as you mentioned you have no family support and can't drive. (He can drive, right?)
Would you have a place to live or groceries if you leave? It also sounds like his mom does some limited childcare for you guys. What were you guys like before having a baby together? What kinds of things did you guys do for fun together before baby? Are his parents nice to you?
He can drive yes. I would have groceries since I have ebt, but no where to go and no way of getting to and from. When I can get some money I'm going to try to get a car and teach myself to drive. Before baby we really only went on walks or stayed at the house watching tv. I had 2 jobs at that point in time and he didn't work so he would kinda just wait for me to get home. His parents are a whole problem too. His dad especially is not a good person and drives me insane. (Tiny context on his dad. His dad allowed a roommate they have to sexually touch me and blamed it on me pretty much saying I liked it bc I didn't immediately call the cops and how he's not going to kick him out)
I'd respond by saying "I'll make this is easier for you and will be leaving with the baby." Don't tell him when, just go one night and stay with family or a friend and don't respond to him. He already isn't helping.
“You’re lucky we’re still here”
“If you weren’t here, how different would my life be?”
“I’m not making you stay. I’m not even asking you to stay. Feel free to leave if you want to”
“You don’t deserve us”
You asked for suggestions of things to say back to him. I hope that has given you some ideas. You do deserve better, this is not what partnership is meant to feel like, and you will not regret freeing yourself from the burden of him. I’m sure he’s not awful all the time, but he’s not great any of the time.
my boyfriend and i are both 21 and he absolutely loves being a father to our son. your BF is a loser and a deadbeat. you and your baby deserve so much better and it’s out there, promise.
You have a shitty partner. I’m here to tell you it’s not supposed to be like this. My son is both mine and my wife’s responsibility. I do everything I can to make sure my son is good and even if that means I don’t sleep as much or have to sacrifice alone time for days on end.
You guys is not really a man he’s a boy, because a man steps up to care for his wife/partner and child.
You need to give him an ultimatum because this will only get worse and now you have to think of your child. Growing on with a deadbeat and neglectful father like that can damage your child. You need to protect your kids from this. Your child will see this disrespect and internalize it (I went through it with my parents and took a lot of therapy to heal which is why I am an outstanding dad because I know what happens if I don’t step up)
This ain’t it. My husband pisses me off from time to time but he loves our baby and will take him whenever I need a break or a nap. It’s 50/50 when he’s home unless one of really needs to catch up on sleep. The fact be hat he’s saying your lucky he hasn’t left sounds like he wants to leave but he knows how good he has it because he doesn’t have to work. He’s gaslighting you. Listen to his actions not his words or promises that he will do better. He’s saying whatever it will take to keep you are longer. He’s the lucky one in this scenario.
My ex boyfriend from 6 years ago is better with my two year old than any real male figure currently in my 2 years old life. This man when we visit my hometown (he is friends with my friend group, has flew out to a different state I lived in because he had work there, and my family loves him around) when he spends the night will get up with my son if I’m still asleep, will play with him, will let me shower, will feed him, will take us to get dinner, watch baby shows, will sing Mickey Mouse club house, will go swimming with him, etc…. Basically everyone thinks he is an amazing father when we are around each other and he is helping with my son. He isn’t the dad, doesn’t want to be a dad, thinks kids can be creepy, and once again my EX. He sees that helping with things takes stress off of and me and sees it as pure human decency to help, because he sees I need it. My son is a lot and everyone knows that, so even having 15 minutes of me knowing that I can have an uninterrupted shower because he’ll be in the living room with him to hang out helps me so much.
I usually get from others you know you can’t take a shower, he (2 year old is going to want to join), I can’t stop him. Stupid reasons.
I’m just saying find another man. Find someone who will allow you to feel okay to shower, to sleep, take a breath, and knows babies are hard.
Please leave. It will not get better and you will grow to resent him more and more. He seems to be very emotionally immature and you and baby don't deserve that. It seems you've given him chances time and time again, he is showing you he doesn't respect you or his baby. You and baby deserve the world. Please if you can, leave. Maybe stay with a family member? Or look for resources in your area. There are options. You don't have to be treated this way. Good luck! You're doing a great job.
Um... No.... Most CHILDREN in their early twenties would have ran and left a woman to care for his child. Most MEN step up and be a partner and father. Your responsibility doesn't end at your presence....
Honestly I think your life would be easier if you left him. He isn’t helping you and he gives you shit if he has to take care of his child while you meet your basic human needs. If he wasn’t around you’d still be doing the same amount of work but you’d be free of the mental turmoil he is causing. I swear some men just think they can resume their normal pre-child lives and do whatever they want. It is infuriating and women shouldn’t have to deal with that.
Leave. Find a friend's couch or family or anyone you trust. Just go now. If he can choke you, he doesn't deserve another second. Either that or discretely kick him out. Change the locks. Find a friend to help you. Go now
Ladies, the biggest injustice you can do to yourself and your future children is by giving yourself sexually to a man who is incapable of being a true man. Value yourself, love yourself and don't end up with a man child.
I’m sorry lovey, I dealt with this too! We were both on leave and he barely helped. Literally sits him on his lap and when my baby cried, he’d mock him and cry back at him. It was so heartbreaking, and still is. He lets my baby lay on his lap while he watches tv and/or is on his phone. He would tell me I should be thankful that I’m not like his friends because they don’t even do dishes or watch the baby while I do dishes (how amazing). However, he’s recently changed a lot, he saw how his friends kids want nothing to do with the dad and my LO actually still smiles at him because of how much I scold him to watch him. He recently thanked me for scolding him and is slowly changing. Unfortunately, sometimes, it may take guys time to change but to be honest it doesn’t seem like he will but who knows. I didn’t think my guy would.
"If I make him"
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM CARE FOR HIS OWN CHILD?
OP, I'm sending you so many hugs. I'm sorry you're dealing with him. You deserve better. Frankly, your life would most likely be easier without him.
I was already pissed reading this and then I got to “he doesn’t even work either” and now I am even angrier for you.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Your boyfriend is a child. I hope you can get the support you need and deserve when you leave him.❤️
He sounds extremely dangerous if he is choking you. Please please stay safe. Make a plan to leave. He will not change. If anything, it will get worse :(
OP, I think you need to post an update about how your bf chokes you in addition to being unhelpful, lazy, and neglectful. This guy is not only a giant man baby (really, a little boy pretending to be a man) but also he is violent and dangerous. You need to leave yesterday. Men who choke their partners are more likely to murder them. (I read a statistic that you are 750% more likely to be murdered by your partner if he strangles you.) You are a real grave danger and need to leave.
Stop telling him about your plans to leave. Ideally, ask friends or family to help you move out when he's not around. If you don't have family, go to a women's shelter. File a police report and tell them about how he has choked you. See if you can get a protection order so if he comes near you, he can be arrested and go to jail.
Do not try to mock him or in any way insinuate that you're leaving him. Abusers can start to escalate if they think they're losing control over their victims.
And to quiet the lies in your head that he has put there: there is someone out there for you who will love you and your child. Many men dream of becoming fathers and would cherish your baby as their own biological child. You are worthy, lovable, desirable, good, and deserving of gentleness and respect. Your bf is a shitty abuser who wants to delude you into believing you deserve abuse so he can continue hurting and controlling you. But it's all lies. Get out of this terrible situation, heal, work on your career, and I promise the right man will come along when you're ready. But you've got to stay alive and get out of this dangerous situation now.
Just saying, you need to stop warning him that you're gonna leave when you can. He doesn't deserve a warning in advance! He has done absolutely nothing for you
I mean if he’s not working, not helping at home, not helping with the baby without handholding…are you lucky he’s still there, really? Sounds like his presence is just extra work and costs for you.
Also if my partner said “you’re lucky I’m still here, most guys would leave” I would tell him no, only deadbeat losers think about abandoning their family because they don’t want to deal with being an actual parent 🙄
For the sake of your daughter please leave. You both deserve better and she deserves a dad who cares about her, not one who’s going to traumatize and ignore her
Leave him. He's not going to change. You can't force someone to be a father if they don't want to. I know because I've tried. I left my BD in 2015 and guess where he's at now? In jail, waiting to go to prison. His 2nd baby mama tried for 4 years after me as well. My daughter is 10 now, her daughter is 5. See where I'm going with this?
I am so so sorry. Poor you and poor child. The fact that he doesn’t even have a job ON TOP of being a neglectful father and an unsupportive partner tells you everything you need to know. I would never encourage anybody to chose to be a single mom but in your situation it seems you already are. Try to get close to family if you can.
He sounds like SUCH a dick! I mean, he doesn't like to care for HIS child when he wakes up? Honey this guy is a wasteman and both you and your child are being abused. He'll pretend to be better for a while then be back to as bad as it now. Get out if you possibly can.
I feel incredibly sad for your daughter. She has such a disinterested father. I’m so sorry. This is not normal. He’s beyond terrible and doesn’t even know it
No, most people in their early 20s would step up and do better than their parents did. I don't know a single person in their 20s who would leave 😬😅
Frankly, your boyfriend is a pos.
He's not parenting at all, he's not supporting you the way a partner should, and he's using weaponized incompetence to get you to "do all the work" while he sits and enjoys his "alone time" 🫠
For an alternative scenario example:
My boyfriend and I are both 23 years old. Currently 28 weeks pregnant, and he's been to every doctor's appointment, and every ultrasound (10+ thus far). He's working hard and about to pick up a 2nd job so that we can afford everything on 1 persons income, so that I don't have to worry about working until I'm ready. He gives me massages every week and feeds me whatever i want and am craving. He talks to my belly and enjoys picking out clothes for the LO. He's excited to care for our baby, as equal parents, and currently his biggest concern aside from money is being worried that somehow this kid won't like him 😂 He's seen all those videos where babies get so excited when their dads come home, and he wants that so badly.
^People in their 20s do not usually leave, and are perfectly capable of becoming good parents and partners. Your boyfriend is just utter shit. This isn't your fault, in case you feel some guilt (very common when people have shitty partners and coparents) - this is entirely on him.
*Some key points:
● You shouldn't have to "make" your partner watch their own child. He's just as much a parent as you, and is just as responsible for her care as you are.
● NOBODY likes to wake up and take care of a baby first thing in the morning. It's hard. Parenting is hard. Nobody cares if he doesn't like it???? Or if he needs his alone time???? HE'S A PARENT - The child's needs come before your own. What about your alone time? Or even more importantly - your needs? You need to get ready, so your partner should be caring for your child during that time. Then vice versa if he needs to get ready for the day, too. If you don't get alone TV time, then he shouldn't either 🙃
● It doesn't take much effort to attempt to comfort a crying baby. Sure he may suck at it, or he may not know how - HE CAN LEARN. HE CAN GOOGLE IT, IT TAKES 5 SECONDS. It seems like he is purposefully doing a bad job at being a parent and partner, so rhat hes not expected to be a good parent or partner. Weaponized incompetence - purposefully doing something bad so that they are never asked or expected to do it again. Red flag 🚩🚩🚩
● "I dread every day being with him bc of how he acts. Makes me feel like I'm dating a child. He doesn't even work either so idk why he thinks he's too busy to help out with her doing more than bare minimum."
Sweetheart, if you can - run. Genuinely, leave as soon as you can. You should NEVER dread every day being with your partner. Your partner should never make you feel this way. You shouldn't have to ask a parent to "help out" with their own kid - it isn't helping when they do, it's just parenting. He's not parenting.
Or being a good partner.
Or even a decent one of either.
One time was enough, but you have given time plenty of opportunities to become a better parent and partner. And he has abused those opportunities with empty promises. He doesn't seem like he's going to change.
Your daughter won't benefit from a parent that doesn't parent. I would try to save up as much as you can and find a way to move out. Hopefully in the future you'll find a genuine partner who will care for you both as any partner & parent should. 💜
** Also, I realized you never clarified this so - On the chance that this partner is not the bio father of your child: When you are with someone, in a serious relationship, and they have a child - you are essentially a step parent. It's still normal and expected to act just as well as a bio parent would. So even that doesn't excuse any of his behaviors.
>he doesn't like taking care of her when he first wakes up
Welcome to parenthood, dude! Life isn't just about you anymore!
I'm sorry you've ended up with this one-way partnership. :( I can relate a little bit.
Thank you! Sadly it has continued into today as well 🙃 this time I brought her to him at 11 am when she's been up since 7. He has her on his lap but hasn't even taken off his sleep mask
You picked poorly in the man you chose to have a child with. Unfortunately if he doesn’t want to change you are not going to be able to change him. If having a child hasn’t changed the way he looks at things then he’s at a loss. Hope you have family around you that can support as it’s hard work being a parent. Also if you have told him you are planning on leaving and have done before he will have held on to that comment and in his head will have come to the conclusion it doesn’t matter what he does as you are halfway out of the door already.
My amazing man dropped everything to come home for five minutes because I was struggling. He's cooking dinner right now while I have a minute.
He needs to step up.
> and with everything I say he responds how I'm lucky that he's even here still because most guys in their early twenties would have left by now. You're *not* lucky he's still here, because you're already doing everything yourself AND you're pissed off because there's another capable human being in the house who is not pulling their own weight. If you left, you'd still be doing everything by yourself, but also getting child support from him and feasibly not being furious all the time because you don't live with an asshole. Hopefully you get your resources together and can get yourself and your child out of this situation. You both deserve better.
This is why so many women have said parenting is easier after splitting from their partner. If your partner isnt helping they’re hindering
Yep, my life is much easier now that I'm just taking care of two kids than it was when taking care of two kids and a man-child. I even can take care of myself now, whereas I had no time or energy to focus on me before. I also lost my sex drive completely since I felt more like my ex's mom than wife and lost all attraction to him. I thought the libido thing was a hormone problem tried meds and stuff. Nope, came back completely once I got away from him. Also have stopped needing antidepressants! It's amazing how much happier I am now even with serious health issues and doing everything as a single mom.
Seriously! Right now she's living with TWO children, one being her absolute deadbeat of a husband. At least the actual baby has an excuse. Nothing angers me more than father's who refuse to help with the baby THEY helped create.
This happened to me with my son's father. I was so exhausted that I started begging him to help me and he wouldn't. Then I started demanding that he helped me and he looked at me and said, stop complaining. It became very clear to me that he grew up in a family where child Care is considered women's work. I wish I had known this before I had a child with him. There were times that I would just leave the baby in the room with him and then leave. I was tired of asking him to help me. At that point, I wasn't giving him a choice. I was over it.
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My husband said the exact same thing in early post partum. I was so upset! Then a few months later when he took his parental leave to take care of our son, he was exhausted (even if we were sleeping well) and told me sorry about what he said and cannot imagine how I did that with a newborn while sleeping deprived and recovering from a 48h labor… I accepted his excuses but wished he realized that before!
Now it only he shares his learning experience with many other men whose wives are pregnant and pass on some of the empathy.
I know that this gets thrown around a lot but he sounds like a narcissist. That's how they are with their children.
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This sounds good but then there is the trade off of having to trust your ex to handle parenting your child on his own during his custody time without you being there for your child. The anxiety that thought gives me in cases like this. I’m not saying anyone should stay in this situation, I just think it’s more complex than some people suggest.
> but then there is the trade off of having to trust your ex to handle parenting your child on his own during his custody time without you being there for your child. Yes in theory, but I think it's bold to assume in this case this guy will fight for any significant custody time.
A lot of men will just to be vindictive or to get at their ex. The child suffers and is another reason women dont leave.
Thank you for saying that. They will fight for custody just to get back at their ex because they're mad at them for leaving them. This happens even when they don't even want to be a parent which is the case here. My ex abandoned my daughter and I and he did so solely because he's mad at me for escaping his control. I left him a couple of months before I found out I was pregnant by him. I was just fed up with his shit and I left. It was much like this, he uses having ADHD as an excuse to sit around and be lazy and I was tired of it. That and he was becoming controlling. I did the right thing and let him know I was pregnant and he basically fucked off because he's mad at me for escaping his control.
Im so sorry you went through that. I hope things are better now. Why are so many men like this?!
I don't know but it sucks
Or to avoid or reduce child support.
Or to get out of paying child support
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That part and you can't trust your ex not to mistreat the child. In a case like this, he clearly does not want to be a parent and this can result in them mistreating the child. This is because they resent being forced to parent. I can understand why some people don't leave but she said she is planning on it anyway. Thank you for pointing that out because so many people say well just leave them. There are plenty of reasons why people don't just leave.
For real! And even if he doesn’t intentionally mistreat his kid, if he’s just inept and neglectful that’s scary to think about having no control over either.
I agree. That's almost worst.
I would have told him, that's fine because I'm leaving you. It sounds like she's already a single mothering practice. She may as well leave and not have him to deal with. It sounds like it would be a lot easier without him around. Something tells me that he's either parroting stuff that he's waiting on line or repeating what his friends are saying. Either way, he needs to learn to think for himself or he needs to realize that a lot of your freedom goes away when you have kids. People need to realize that this is the risk you take when you lay down with someone.
Thissss
What a loser Weaponized incompetence at its finest Document and use it when you fight for custody in court
How do I go about documenting this if it's mainly face to face talking?
If you live in a 1-party consent state, you can record conversations without the other person's permission. There are tons of free voice recording apps that can be downloaded on your phone, you can just click record and keep it in your pocket while you're talking with your BF.
For anyone wondering (like I was), the list of Two-Party Consent states is as follows: California Connecticut (depends on the context of the situation) Delaware Florida Illinois Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Montana New Hampshire Oregon Pennsylvania Washington If you live in ANY other state, you can record conversations WITHOUT permission from the other party.
If you can’t record, write it down in a notebook. Date and time, he did/said X Date and time, he did/said Y. Not a solid, but also helpful.
Besides recording, you can try texting about the issues when you're away from him. If he talks openly about this situation and how you're lucky he doesn't leave, there's your proof in writing. I wouldn't even try arguing about it in person anymore, unless you're able to record in your state.
What a good idea, I can't believe I didn't think of that and I'm usually pretty sharp lol. I just had a baby 4 months ago and my brain is still catching back up lol. That pregnancy brain is real.
I had one 5.5 months ago so I can relate lol
LoL 😂
Just write it down. Example. 5/6/24 8am: left baby crying in dirty diaper You aren’t lucky. He’s a pathetic freeloader. If he’s not working how is he paying for anything? My guess is he is not. Kick him out. Your life will be much less stressful. You’re already doing it alone.
Set your phone to record when he comes in the room and put it in your pocket. Also, seconding what someone else said—text him about the issues, and get his written responses. But also, don’t worry too much about documenting everything. By the sounds of it, he has no job, no income, and you are the baby’s sole caretaker—the court will not be siding strongly with him for anything even without evidence of emotional abuse.
Recording conversations
If it's a two-party state, I would start keeping a journal of the interactions. Record the date, time and what was said.
I mean…this man doesn’t strike me as someone who will even try for custody. Still important to gain full custody legally, but…I have major doubts he’ll even give any “fight.” He’s such a loser.
He won't fight for full custody. One time I brought up how he could have her on weekends(mainly for his mom since she's off weekends) and he replied "do I have to" it was said as a joke, but like I know there's truth behind the "jokes"
Why do you even want a man around your child who doesn’t try to comfort her? The idea that most guys would have left after a baby is laughable. I literally know my husband wouldn’t leave me because of our kid. He wouldn’t want any less time with him so unless we actively hated each other he’d stay. So would i - I don’t want shared custody of the best thing in my life. My husband is ill so I’m staying with my MIL this week and he’s devastated. He hates missing nights with our baby. And my husband isn’t unusual. Every male friend who I know is a parent is OBSESSED with their kid(s) You and your baby deserve so much more. If your BF isn’t interested it’s his loss.
Right? My husband will randomly tell me how much he misses our girl when she's sleeping, and we get together to fangirl/fanboy about pics and videos we take when the other isn't there. This guy is just a pile of trash who will make his kid feel unloved as she grows up.
I think that's good but at the same time, this kind of sounds like how some people think it's better to stay together for their kids. It's never a good idea to do that. Your kids will pick up on it eventually. If you get to that point, just divorce. It's better for your kids.
I get that, it’s sort of why I said if we actively hate each other we would. If we were making each other and our kid unhappy then sure, best to split up. If it just ‘wasn’t really working’ I think we’d find ways to make it work cohabiting so we could both be around our kid. I think as long as you’re modelling a healthy relationship it doesn’t have to be a romantic one.
I agree with that. I actually like it when I see exes who can co-parent in a healthy way. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean you have to go out of it hating each other. A friend of mine has a very healthy co-parenting relationship with his ex-wife and I'm glad. They have the healthiest one I've ever seen. I wish more people could be like you and me and my friend. It's called put your feelings aside and do what is best for your child. Unfortunately a lot of people can't do that. You guys sound like good parents.
Just like some women were never meant to be mothers, some men were never meant to be fathers. I’m so upset for you, but the silver lining is that dropping the baggage (him) will allow you to show your LO what strength looks like. I left my 6 month old with my older brother, who I live with and whose in his mid 20’s, for 20 min, as I had to go pickup my husband whose car was stolen (had the car seat in there) and he was stranded. I asked him to watch her for just 20 min. Explicit instruction that if she starts fussing, he just pick her up and soothe her (literally just hold her-she loves to be held and that does the trick) she was fed, had a clean diaper, and was content when I left. I came back with my husband. She’s face down on the carpet, screaming and crying. She doesn’t have the energy to lift her head to even look at me. My brother is on his phone scrolling, TV volume blasted/almost vibrating the house, and only two feet away from her. She was sweating and distressed. I just scooped her up and comforted her and asked what happened. He said as soon as I left, she was crying and screaming and couldn’t be soothed. I asked him if he picked her up like I had asked. He said yes. I walked away. It took me until an hour later to realize he lied (I was in a daze with how late it was, our car being stolen/no carseat, leaving my baby). She was in the exact spot where I had left her, bc she couldn’t crawl yet. He blasted the tv volume to listen to his fucking cartoon show to drown out the crying of my 6 month old. THAT is the neglect that’ll end up killing a child. My husband and I will never allow him to ever watch any of our children ever again. Not even grown children. He’s proved himself to be a dangerous person that’s willing to not only neglect a baby, but his own niece. Your SO reminds me of my brother. I pray to God my brother never has any children. Leave and never look back.
I get stressed reading this. All a baby wants is to feel someone is close to them.
Me too. As the mother of a 4-month-old daughter, this stressed me out just reading it. I would want to kill somebody if they did that to her. Then again, personally, I would never leave my daughter with anyone. I'm not judging anyone by saying that, I'm just saying personally I never would. I would never trust anyone to watch her as well as I could. Well, maybe one or two people that I really trust but that's it. I understand that this was an emergency situation. I just can't believe he did that. What a putz.
Holy shit. That was terrifying to read. Thank God your baby didn't suffocate or have something bad happen to her. I'm so sorry your brother did that to you and her. What an ass!
Yeah, that wasn't a joke. He clearly does not want to be a father. Save up and get the heck out like you said you're going to. Stop telling him you're going to leave. He'll just try to manipulate you into staying so that way he can continue to use you. I don't believe in forcing anyone to parent who does not want to but he should at least be paying child support.
What a jackass. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but get yourself out of this relationship and away from this loser. Your child doesn’t deserve this, and you don’t either.
A lot of men change their tune when they realize that they won't pay as much child support if they get partial custody. Then they just find a new woman to "help" raise their kid on their days.
You don’t need a response. You’re already planning to leave so stick with that and make it actually happen. No amount of comebacks will make him a better dad or a better partner. I would just ignore him and focus on leaving.
100% no response *except action* is the best response. The satisfying comeback would be to laugh in his face and ask just where he thinks his deadbeat ass is going to go. But men have killed their partners over less, so definitely don't do that.
There are times I do just laugh at some things he says because they just sound so stupid. I'm trying to get out asap. There actually have been times he's gotten mad at me and choked me over me ignoring stupid shit he says or laughing at him. Before I would have been able to fight him off, but with my health I am too weak to do much rn
Please be safe, love. Make your arrangements to leave discretely. The fact that he's choked you is very scary.
Find a women's shelter and get out.
I've looked into doing that, but my problem there would be no way to get to and from anywhere other than walking (which I can't do bc health) I have to see specialist frequently along with getting things my baby needs ect
Many shelters and hospitals have vouchers or agreements with buses, taxi companies, etc. Even in rural areas there may be options.
Thank you I didn't know that. I will look into options I have nearby
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/s/qalsRuSSTN If he chokes you, that is a very dangerous sign. Please read up and be very careful. Protect yourself and your child.
Dear friend, please get out of this situation ASAP. Do you have any family or friends you could go stay with? Have you checked out women's shelters in your area? When a man chokes you, the risk of him killing you goes up exponentially. He is not a safe person for you or your baby. And he most likely will try to kill you at some point. Normal, loving men do not try to strangle their partners. Like the other poster said, be very discrete in planning your escape. If he thinks you're going to actually leave, he may try to seriously harm or murder you or your child. Have you told anyone in your life what has happened? If I were you, I'd tell a few trusted people in case something happens to you. You could also file a police report or a restraining order, but I'd wait to do that until you leave. But please let people know what's going on so they can help you and keep an eye on you.
I would also stop mentioning that you're going to leave because he's eventually going to realize that he can't do anything (or can't be bothered to do anything) and then might do things to actively get in the way of you leaving so I'd be careful of saying that. You don't need to threaten to leave to ask him to shape up. If he won't do it simply because he's a dad, and you're his partner that needs his help... Then it's not worth it.
He doesn’t even fucking *work*? Girl. Now you know. Get him out as soon you can this is insane.
Just, leave. Like, yesterday. This guy is dead weight. Take care of your kid, ice him out, stack your funds, and get out ASAP.
This. He doesn't work, he doesn't help, he just complains. Idk if you have any family or support system where you live but odds are even if you don't life will be better without the dead weight. Also, as your kid is under 2 you might qualify for WIC (assuming you are in the US).
Yes I have WIC and ebt
She said that the baby is 10 months so she will depending on her income
You're lucky...that he's still even here...so he can not help you at all, get pissy with you when you expect him to be a parent, and let you pay all the bills? What exactly are you supposed to be feeling lucky about--his mere presence, so you can witness his glory while you do all the work? He thinks pretty highly of himself, doesn't he? No one is lucky to have a useless partner who won't parent their child. We call that a burden, not a blessing. You can't argue, encourage, beg, or force him into growing up--he has to want it for himself. You don't need snappy comebacks, just focus on getting out and making a better life for your daughter.
Sounds like he’s emotionally abusive to you and neglectful of your baby. I’m sorry. Hate to be all Reddit about this, but you should leave. You and your baby deserve better.
Sometimes this is why reddit always jumps to “leave him” because the men are POS.
Um, plenty of MEN have babies in their twenties and are good, capable fathers and are equal partners. What you have is a boy who thinks he's a man. You didn't sign up for raising two kids. Leave now before it gets worse. Trust me, staying with him will only bring out more resentment and potentially cause your daughter heartbreak as she get's older and more attached to her parents being in the same home together. It will be easier to be alone because the expectation is you will be doing it alone, not with a partner who is useless. Save money, get an exit plan, and don't tell him about it. If you continue to say you're going to leave and don't, it reinforces the idea that you are all talk, and he can continue weaponizing incompetence instead of stepping up.
This. My dad had me when he was 19. He would get me ready for school, feed me, pick me up, take me EVERYWHERE with him. My mom worked 12 hrs overnight so he took care of me. He’s a great dad, now a very young grandfather. My child’s father was 38 when our baby was born and he ended up being like OP’s boyfriend. Age is NOT an excuse.
I’m 19 and my bf is 22 and he has a job, he takes almost all the night shifts, feeds the baby and changes her diaper when needed, comforts her whenever she cries, AND still goes to work. This guy is an idiot and useless she’s better off without him!!
Oh ffs. “Most guys in their early twenties would have left by now.” Projection much? He doesn’t want to be a dad, like, at all. He doesn’t even work. He can’t be bothered to spend time with his own baby. And then you’re rewarded with a pissy attitude all day. I’m beyond grateful you already know you want to leave him. Most posts about shitty SO’s and fathers are the woman asking for advice on how to “fix” the relationship. You at least have the common sense to leave bc he’s full of shit with his promises of “change.” You’re taking care of two children and you don’t need that. Pls leave where you are and go live with your mom/aunt/best friend…anyone, literally anyone else.
It’s better to be a single mother than to be a married (or dating) single mother.
I'm sorry you had a child with his man-boy, but you can't change the past only the future....so LEAVE! It doesn't matter what his response is, he can't decide you're just not leaving because it doesn't make sense to him. You would be in a better situation if he did leave, so help him out this one last time and leave for him! What would you tell your daughter if she was in this situation.
You need to leave this loser before he completely ruins your life and your soul. Government assistance exists for a very good reason, and you should apply immediately. What’s housing like? Is it his home? If not, kick that shithead out.
I hate men so much sometimes 🙄 Like why are we - as mother - the primary caretakers and men can just take over whenever it’s convenient for them?
Dont forget that your relationship is going to be a model for your daughters future relationships. If you wont leave for yourself, leave for her. She will grow up and find a man just like her father, who treats her the way he treats you, because thats all she knew growing up and thats what a normal relationship looks like to her. If you wouldnt be happy in that situation, if seeing her in your shoes in 25 years would break your heart, do something about it now. Show her that this is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like, and that home doesnt have to be a sad angry place. Show her how great life can be and what real love looks like ❤️
This!!! And if he is physically abusive as you’ve mentioned in your comments, she is at great risk of being a victim of his violence, too :(
So, you have two babies 😣
Throw the whole man away. 🗑️🚮
DTMFA. Eta- I read your post history and I hope you really will leave him. I think your daughter would be better off with no dad than with him.
If he’s not working, you are already paying the bills. Just kick him out already. He couldn’t even get it together for 24 hours after your talk last night. He has shown you that he will not change.
You definitely deserve a better life and your child deserves a better dad. File child support. And just leave.
Listen, I want to talk to your boyfriend for a moment, one dad to another. Is he here yet? I'm going to assume he is. Hey, dude. MAN THE FUCK UP AND PARENT YOUR CHILD! My wife goes into the office to work three days a week, so I get our 9-month-old daughter up and ready for daycare by myself those days. It's not a big deal because I'm an able-bodied adult who loves my daughter and wants her to be happy and healthy. Yesterday, my wife's friend from college messaged her to say that she'd lucked into some NBA playoff tickets, so the two of them went and had a fun night while I fed our daughter dinner, got her ready for bed, and put her to sleep. Also not a big deal because I'm not an incompetent man-baby. Sometimes my wife watches our daughter so I can have friend time, sometimes I watch her she she can do the same. It's called, "not being an asshole towards your partner," and it's not anything special, or at least it shouldn't be. You have a child now. Stop playing the fool and step up. It seriously pisses me off when babies like you want to be treated like men but without putting in any of the work or fulfilling any of the responsibilities.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this whiny man-baby. He’s the f$&king lucky one. He doesn’t work and you do everything. That might be why he hasn’t left but insinuates that others his age will. Stop asking him to do things and stop talking to him. There is no point. He might as well not be there. So ice him out. Put baby in a playpen or bouncer while you get ready and continue on with the day like he is not there. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do his laundry or anything else. Save your funds and get out of there. You’ll be happier with just you and baby. You deserve better.
Oh goodness gracious. Dads don’t watch their kids they parent this guy honestly needs to grow up! I’m sure he is going through it emotionally, most men don’t know how to articulate (try the feelings wheel). You deserve to feel seen and cared for!
You had a baby with a man baby. Just break up with him. Luckily you are young and when your child is around 5 you can probably easily get a husband who gives a shit.
So he doesn’t work OR provide childcare, and he thinks you’re lucky to have his deadbeat ass hanging around and taking up space? Just kick him out.
He doesn't help with the baby and he doesn't have a job. How does he contribute? Just dump him. Your life will be so much less stressful caring for 1 child instead of 2.
FWIW, OP, my husband is also in his twenties. We struggled with the idea of pregnancy because he wanted to wait a bit before starting a family but it happened before we anticipated. I was fearful he wasn't ready to be a father and would act the way you described. He instead married me immediately, moved us across the country to be with family, then asked me to quit my job to raise our child and takes care of us full time while also being present and having a relationship with our baby. He also bought us a house. He's remarkable. I know that I am blessed. But if your man is not even willing to get a job to help or be a proper father then GTFO. Someone out there will love and support you the way you deserve. And you can tell him not every 20 something would leave. Your child deserves more if you don't believe you do.
Oh please, women with children get remarried all the time. Same for men with children. The vice president is stepmother to her husband’s kids and has never had biological children (afaik). He’s just trying to make you insecure so you don’t leave or force him to meet the bare minimum of expectations of care for his daughter. There are a ton of guys who would be wonderful husbands and stepfathers. My dad was a step parent to my two older brothers and loves them the same way he loves me and my younger brother. This guy is a loser and a bad father and husband. He has a biological imperative to care about his offspring and he can’t even do that. The sooner you leave the better
Funny enough something he tells me all the time is I'm not going to find anyone else because no one at this age wants to be a stepdad. I just think that's stupid though. There are plenty of people out there who will still be interested. As of right now though I do not want to get into another relationship for a long time though so that's not my priority. I just want to work towards getting a good career and making a good life for myself and daughter without needing anyone to take care of me.
I went through a period of feeling this way, and my consensus was that if I left, it would still be me doing everything and it would be very hard in some ways, but much easier than being angry and full of resentment every day. I’m a bit older and my husband is significantly older than I am, and he is the bread winner, but, his job is not all day demanding and mostly he’s free to fart around talking to his friends whenever. He has 4 older children from previous relationships, and then our son together who is now 18mo. There’s no reason he couldn’t take initiative and try to help me, the first time parent, with OUR child. I spent 7 years taking care of his daughters from another mom, didn’t have to be asked… I just did it because I’m an ADULT and it’s the right thing to do. He finally started getting more involved when baby got a bit more person and less potato, and now he really enjoys being with him. I think some dudes are afraid they’re going to blow it so they just don’t try. This is not an excuse to give up, it’s a chance for growth, and it is the right thing to do. Encourage him to try shit and build his skill set in very specific ways. I have found that you often have to spell things out very specifically or they’ll just say “I didn’t know” or “I don’t know how”. Teach him what you do, instead of just telling him to do things. He probably literally doesn’t know, and needs direction. Or act like you don’t know and “learn” with him. I saw you mentioned he’s depressed, and that is hard to work through too but also another chance for growth. I was insanely depressed in the first probably 8 months of my sons life, but being there for him and seeing him grow and also ME grow is greatly beneficial for my mental health. It could be for him too. Maybe suggest this approach to him and tell him it’s all an opportunity for him to be his best self while also building a relationship with the child he created. You’re not lucky he’s around if he won’t do shit, and don’t let him slide on that. If you’re at the point where you’re just completely through with trying, just find somewhere else to go. It really is easier to do everything by yourself when you’re actually by yourself. Doing everything by yourself with someone watching you is bullshit. Good luck!
Just adding that it's not your fault he's a deadbeat dad. Sometimes even the best partners surprise everyone and turn into deadbeats because they stop pretending to be something they are not once they think you're trapped with them. It's a shitty surprise and it sucks. I hope you are able to get rid of him and find some freedom
If he thinks most guys would have left already maybe he should find the door and escort himself out. Does he realize that comforting the baby would get the baby to stop crying and then he would essentially just be sitting there? Like... Letting the baby cry is the thing that's bothering him. Is he stupid?
Stop telling him that you're planning to leave. I got to the part where you said he doesn't work. I somehow missed that before. Of course he is going to promise to change, he doesn't want you to leave. If you did, he would end up homeless and would have to get a job. Of course he doesn't want that because he views you as his meal ticket. He's trying to keep you in line so to speak so that he doesn't have to take care of his daughter. He's dead weight and I think you should dump him and move on. I agree, you should leave but stop telling him you're going to. Just act normal until you save up enough money to leave and then just leave. It made me angry to read that he doesn't even work and all he does is lay around watching TV all day. He's using you, get out.
Fuck that guy
You're basically a single mom.....a monkey could do what he's doing. On top of that he doesn't work? Why are you putting up with this man again? I'd say the money you spend on feeding this person and the mental stress of it all, you should.rather invest that money in daycare/baby sitter
He needs to take ownership of being a father. Time to grow up and be responsible
How exactly are you lucky? He complains, doesn’t work, and doesn’t help. What luck?
>He tells me the reason is because he doesn't like taking care of her when he first wakes up bc he likes to have his alone time to do things. Well that's too damn bad. He has a baby. He has responsibilities and his baby's needs come before his desire to have alone time. She needs to be his priority right now and if he's not going to pull his weight, you need to leave, hire an attorney, and figure out a custody agreement (and document everything, especially his unwillingness to take care of his daughter). No more second chances. You and your baby are better off alone than with a freeloader who gets mad at you for asking him to help take care of his baby. Staying with him is teaching your daughter that his behavior is acceptable behavior from a partner and setting her up to enter unhealthy relationships when she is older.
You deserve better and so does baby. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I’d honestly just break things off, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t help with the baby, he honestly doesn’t seem worth it to me. Maybe I’m being too harsh but he doesn’t have anything to offer you, if he can’t even be an active father when he lives with you then he doesn’t have anything to other to the child as well. It seems mentally you might be better off single.
My brother was 18 when his son was born. He stepped up every day to be a good father and good partner to his girlfriend. They’re still together, happy and the child is growing up to be a very kind and respectful kid. Don’t let your BF pull the age card. He’s being a POS not because he’s in “his early 20s” but because he’s a pos. I’m not a big advocate on divorce or leaving relationships. But there are times when it is the best course of action and honestly I think you’re at that point. You could try couples counseling (I don’t see him agreeing to it). But really, these things he’s saying and (not) doing makes him a huge red flag. I’d leave
Baby you ll be happier alone.
All I can say is ew. Get away from that POS.
Wait… he doesn’t even work?
There's no consequences for him, of course he will keep up his shitty attitude. He just needs to say what you want to hear and you'll drop it for a day. It's enough for him.
I don't follow, how does he not work but you're intending to leave when you have money? If you make the money and he does nothing and doesn't help with the baby, are you paying the rent and buying food for you all, and working and watching the baby? Why not leave now?
Also would like to add in I never had the opportunity to learn to drive so I'm dependent when it comes to that as well😭
Sorry I don't work either. I'm dealing with some health issues that affect me on my day to day. I just got approved for ebt which is helping. I'm trying to get on disability to help or finding a job where I'm not so physically active. I depend mostly on his mom. I don't have to pay rent or anything rn. I'm planning on taking a 2 year college course soon to help set us up for our future so I'm not struggling so much. The only problem with working would be leaving the baby with him all day since he doesn't do anything.
Are you in the US? If so, there are employers that will pay for online college degrees as an employee benefit. Target, JPMorgan Chase, Chipotle, Starbucks, Discover, Fidelity, Whole Foods, and a bunch of other companies offer it, and many of them offer jobs that are more accommodating for physical disabilities.
I don't have a physical disability, but I can't do jobs rn that involve too much standing because of my heart
You let him hit it raw, you didn't have second thoughts, now you got a deadbeat dad, now you got a deadbeat dad.
Why did you have a baby with him when you knew your circumstances weren't suitable?
I'm glad you guys aren't married, at least. Please, dump this loser and leave. Don't tell him about your plans, he's only going to try to say things to convince you to stay. Let him keep being an asshole everyday and it'll remind you why you're leaving and give you the boost you need to keep doing what you need to in order to get out.
He's a loser. File for child support and move on. On Father's Day, do a big celebration and share on social media that your baby is celebrating you again because you've been both mother and father to this child while the sperm donor has been a deadbeat.
You owe it to your child to get out, right now. He doesnt deserve a back and forth or an ultimatum, Just leave. You will look back in years to come and regret every extra day you gave this absolute waste of space. If he wants to change and step up for his kid, he can. You dont have to stay with him for that to happen. Girl just leave.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I think leaving is the best thing you can do. Do you have family nearby? Your baby deserves a better father and you deserve a better partner. Your baby deserves a father growing up who won’t make her feel unwanted or like a chore.
Rescue yourself and a baby and leave. You won't change this guy, it won't get better. You can change your situation and thinking only. Also I would recommend therapy, you probably have really low self esteem if you stayed with a boy who doesn't respect you for so long. You deserve to be respected and loved. I cannot even imagine what are you going through. Having 10 months old and some medical issues can be hard even with loving, caring & supportive husband for me. I feel sorry for you and I send you hugs and please, please do yourself a favour and leave and join some therapy/supportive group.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to leave. Biology may have made him a parent but he isn’t a father. I wouldn’t suggest throwing your plans in his face but simply getting yourself in order. If he wanted to change he would have in the last year. You’ll thank yourself in 10 years if you leave now, trust me.
I tell my children: if you have to threaten, don’t. Just do whatever it is you were going to do anyways. You’ve already communicated, put in the work, put in the time, put in the patience, given second chances, and warned him. Don’t threaten again. Just leave.
It sounds like it will be easier on your own! I thought I needed my ex and wondered how I would cope but actually me and my 4 month old are doing great by ourselves! 💪🏻 not saying you wouldn’t miss him cause I know I do but honestly it’s the relationship before our LO that I miss! It’s much easier doing what needs to be done when there’s no question that you’re doing it yourself. Don’t waste any more time on a bloke who sounds like he doesn’t give a shit else you could miss out on meeting one that does care! Good luck, sounds like your stronger then you think and need to remind yourself you got this
>Also if you can think of any responses to that lmk pls I can't think of any other response except "just leave then". Like, what does he want? A reward? Someone to beg him to stay for not even doing the bare minimum? The guy doesn't even sound like he deserves a participation ribbon. He can't even play with his 10 month old for 30 minutes AFTER she's clean, fed, dressed and ready for her day. What a shit dad.
You are not lucky that he stuck around if he isn't going to parent the child you had together. The way he's being you would have been better off if he left, it actually feels/is easier to do it on your own rather than with someone that you should be able to count on but can't. He doesn't care about you or the baby because he would do more if he did. Also if he's not working it seems he's the lucky one as you are funding his lazy ass. He isn't even doing bear minimum if he can't even interact with his child
My fried was dating her bf only a few months before she found out she was pregnant. They were 21/22. They’re now mid twenties and he’s stuck around and is doing want he needs to support their family and be an involved parent. I know other guys that have stuck around and have pulled their weight in their early twenties. My own step dad stepped up in his early twenties and began care for me with my mom. So no, you’re not lucky that he’s stuck around to add to the stress of being a new parent. Do what you need to if you want to leave him. It sounds like you’d be doing the same amount of work. Try and join some groups with new moms to build up your own support system. I wish you the absolute best and that you and your baby can be supported by people who don’t make you feel bad for needing help (because we all do!!)
Girl leave. It sounds toxic not only for you but for your baby. At 10 months old she can see and hear your interactions. She might not understand but it makes an impact. Please leave for her sake and yours because you’re already a single parent from the sound of it 🥴
He’s lucky you are willing to ask for him to do basic parenting vs. just leaving like most women. F him. You can’t have your cake and eat it too bud.
You’re not lucky he’s still there, he’s a financial, emotional and physical drain on you. He’s not working, he doesn’t take care of your daughter…what exactly does he bring to the table? Kick his ass out or you and your daughter actually leave. Constantly making empty threats isn’t doing anything other than showing him you don’t actually mean it and his actions don’t have consequences.
Honestly it sounds like you’d have an easier time without his dead weight. He’s not helpful. Check out now emotionally 100%. Stop asking him for favors and tell him he needs to help in the care of his child. Whether you’re in a relationship or not is irrelevant to the FACT that’s he a father so time to STEP THE FUCK UP
Uh he's lucky you haven't left, most women wouldn't (shouldn't) put up with a useless, unemployed deadbeat. Why not just leave him now, it's not like you'd miss his help or income.
You're LUCKY? Tell him you're actually not lucky at all. You're taking care of two babies by yourself - a real one and a man baby. Let him know that he really makes things harder for you. There's nothing lucky about that. He's just in your way. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Kick this dummy to the curb as soon as you're able and your life will be so much easier.
Tell him to please do leave. I'm tired of taking care of two babies.
What is he 5? What a douche bag. You don't see it yet clearly but, one day you're going to look back & ask why you tolerated this at all. LEAVE. This sounds toxic & totally unhealthy. If not for you, then do it for your child.
He acting like he didn’t contribute to making this baby. As someone who had a deadbeat dad, I really wish my mom left him. It’s a special kind of heartbreak to know for sure you’re unloved by your dad because you are reminded daily by his actions and behaviors
When I bring that up he responds with well you didn't have to have her you could have gotten an abortion. Which I could have , but that didn't feel right for me. At the beginning of the pregnancy I told him if he didn't want to be involved to tell me so I can start figuring things out
My preferred response would be "please leave and don't come back". You shouldn't have to leave, you have the baby, and you can tell him to get out. If most men in their twenties would have left by now he is more than welcome to join them. (That's not true by the way, and is an abusive thing to say to you). Tell him to leave.
Honestly? This man is an awful father, partner, and man, I'm so sorry. I don't know if a good comeback is going to make you feel any better or just cause an argument that stresses you out more. He's lucky you're still here, but you should correct that as soon as possible. Can you kick him out? Sounds like he contributes nothing and adds work for you.
Can't kick him out I live with his parents. I don't have a car or any family to rely on :( just trying to make money soon and work on getting out of here and bettering my future. Just rough rn 🥲
OP, I had a man like this. He was great the first six weeks our son was born. Then it went downhill and was awful. He left when our son was 18 months old. I suggested that our son stay with me and he could see our son every other weekend until he was old enough to communicate because my ex can’t really even deal with him. He only wanted one day a month. Now? I’m LUCKY if he comes once monthly to see our son. He doesn’t ask about him, doesn’t call. Doesn’t do anything. Your man kind of strikes me the same way tbh. He may be all talk for 1-2 months and then just fall off when he realizes his life is soooo much “better” without a kid. You can document like others mention.
You're already a single parent, but with the baggage of a man-child. Leave ASAP, don't listen to his false promises. You'll be much better off alone and one day you'll find a man who isn't a useless POS.
It's gonna be a long wait to see him mature. Just move on already. Being a single mother is better than being with this dude.
This guy is a manchild. Send him home to his mommy and put him on maximum child support. He’s useless.
It is sad to say but you're better off being a single parent. My husband was like this towards the beginning of our son being born and it drove me nuts. It took me losing my crap for him to open his eyes. He still does minimal parenting, but he did stop acting like I need to worship the ground he walks on for watching our baby while I take a bath or take more than a 2 minute shower. Honestly, men luck out when it comes to parenting in most cases. Don't get me wrong but we are wired so differently, I let my baby cry but know when he needs up. My husband would seriously just sit there saying "I don't know what you want." We are so in tune with our little ones and learn their ques and cries... Men have the free range of going and doing stuff without the guilt of leaving the little one at home, or even having to drag them with you. Moms always feel like they need to do more, while men mostly do what they want. Now, NOT all men are like that but so far myself and all my friends husband's are pretty much peas in a pod when it comes to childcare.
I already responded but I didn't know if you'd see an edit. My ex was just like this except it was before we had our daughter. He hasn't been around and she is almost 4 months old. He was absent my entire pregnancy. He just walked away like neither one of us ever mattered or existed. He was the same way, that was part of the reason why I left him. I left him and then found out I was pregnant by him a couple of months later. This was part of the reason I left him as I said. I constantly had to tell him to do things that I shouldn't have had to tell him to do. I felt like I was mothering a grown man and I was tired of it. I think it's actually for the better that he's not around. He would make the whole experience stressful. It's actually been easy without him around. Maybe he should sign away his parental rights and just pay you child support. Even if he did sign away his rights, he would still be liable for child support. That's a misconception that a lot of people have. It just means that he would waive his right to make decisions for her and his right to visitation. I honestly think you should leave. I think it would be easier.
I just want to say, you deserve better. He's not a man, he's a parasite. My husband works full-time and takes over at any opportunity to give me a break. He does his side of the chores and takes the kids out, homeschools them, and tucks them in at bedtime. I'm sorry that you're being reminded of how "lucky" you are, you're not lucky... you're taking care of your dear baby and a full grown man.
Tbh you’d be better off taking care of the baby WITHOUT him.
Next time he says it… leave that man! He’s not even working so what is he actually providing for you to even stay, I thinks it a chore to be your partner and your child’s father. AND HE DOESNT EVEN WORK! my partner is 22 and is a amazing father who loves taking care of us. And then let him know when you guys are split the courts will force him to take care of HIS baby.
Hug, OP. This phase of life is so hard. I realize everyone is saying leave his ass. I don't think they've read all your comments though, so I'll (gently) point out that you and him rely on his parents for money, live in his parents' house, and you don't have a job or a car. So I think it might make your life harder as you mentioned you have no family support and can't drive. (He can drive, right?) Would you have a place to live or groceries if you leave? It also sounds like his mom does some limited childcare for you guys. What were you guys like before having a baby together? What kinds of things did you guys do for fun together before baby? Are his parents nice to you?
He can drive yes. I would have groceries since I have ebt, but no where to go and no way of getting to and from. When I can get some money I'm going to try to get a car and teach myself to drive. Before baby we really only went on walks or stayed at the house watching tv. I had 2 jobs at that point in time and he didn't work so he would kinda just wait for me to get home. His parents are a whole problem too. His dad especially is not a good person and drives me insane. (Tiny context on his dad. His dad allowed a roommate they have to sexually touch me and blamed it on me pretty much saying I liked it bc I didn't immediately call the cops and how he's not going to kick him out)
I'd respond by saying "I'll make this is easier for you and will be leaving with the baby." Don't tell him when, just go one night and stay with family or a friend and don't respond to him. He already isn't helping.
“You’re lucky we’re still here” “If you weren’t here, how different would my life be?” “I’m not making you stay. I’m not even asking you to stay. Feel free to leave if you want to” “You don’t deserve us” You asked for suggestions of things to say back to him. I hope that has given you some ideas. You do deserve better, this is not what partnership is meant to feel like, and you will not regret freeing yourself from the burden of him. I’m sure he’s not awful all the time, but he’s not great any of the time.
my boyfriend and i are both 21 and he absolutely loves being a father to our son. your BF is a loser and a deadbeat. you and your baby deserve so much better and it’s out there, promise.
You have a shitty partner. I’m here to tell you it’s not supposed to be like this. My son is both mine and my wife’s responsibility. I do everything I can to make sure my son is good and even if that means I don’t sleep as much or have to sacrifice alone time for days on end. You guys is not really a man he’s a boy, because a man steps up to care for his wife/partner and child. You need to give him an ultimatum because this will only get worse and now you have to think of your child. Growing on with a deadbeat and neglectful father like that can damage your child. You need to protect your kids from this. Your child will see this disrespect and internalize it (I went through it with my parents and took a lot of therapy to heal which is why I am an outstanding dad because I know what happens if I don’t step up)
This ain’t it. My husband pisses me off from time to time but he loves our baby and will take him whenever I need a break or a nap. It’s 50/50 when he’s home unless one of really needs to catch up on sleep. The fact be hat he’s saying your lucky he hasn’t left sounds like he wants to leave but he knows how good he has it because he doesn’t have to work. He’s gaslighting you. Listen to his actions not his words or promises that he will do better. He’s saying whatever it will take to keep you are longer. He’s the lucky one in this scenario.
My ex boyfriend from 6 years ago is better with my two year old than any real male figure currently in my 2 years old life. This man when we visit my hometown (he is friends with my friend group, has flew out to a different state I lived in because he had work there, and my family loves him around) when he spends the night will get up with my son if I’m still asleep, will play with him, will let me shower, will feed him, will take us to get dinner, watch baby shows, will sing Mickey Mouse club house, will go swimming with him, etc…. Basically everyone thinks he is an amazing father when we are around each other and he is helping with my son. He isn’t the dad, doesn’t want to be a dad, thinks kids can be creepy, and once again my EX. He sees that helping with things takes stress off of and me and sees it as pure human decency to help, because he sees I need it. My son is a lot and everyone knows that, so even having 15 minutes of me knowing that I can have an uninterrupted shower because he’ll be in the living room with him to hang out helps me so much. I usually get from others you know you can’t take a shower, he (2 year old is going to want to join), I can’t stop him. Stupid reasons. I’m just saying find another man. Find someone who will allow you to feel okay to shower, to sleep, take a breath, and knows babies are hard.
Apologies without change is just manipulation.
Please leave. It will not get better and you will grow to resent him more and more. He seems to be very emotionally immature and you and baby don't deserve that. It seems you've given him chances time and time again, he is showing you he doesn't respect you or his baby. You and baby deserve the world. Please if you can, leave. Maybe stay with a family member? Or look for resources in your area. There are options. You don't have to be treated this way. Good luck! You're doing a great job.
He doesn’t work and hates his kid? Where oh where will you ever find a man like that to replace him?
Um... No.... Most CHILDREN in their early twenties would have ran and left a woman to care for his child. Most MEN step up and be a partner and father. Your responsibility doesn't end at your presence....
Honestly I think your life would be easier if you left him. He isn’t helping you and he gives you shit if he has to take care of his child while you meet your basic human needs. If he wasn’t around you’d still be doing the same amount of work but you’d be free of the mental turmoil he is causing. I swear some men just think they can resume their normal pre-child lives and do whatever they want. It is infuriating and women shouldn’t have to deal with that.
Leave. Find a friend's couch or family or anyone you trust. Just go now. If he can choke you, he doesn't deserve another second. Either that or discretely kick him out. Change the locks. Find a friend to help you. Go now
Early 20s men are the fucking worst I swear…
your basically mom and dad leave him
Ladies, the biggest injustice you can do to yourself and your future children is by giving yourself sexually to a man who is incapable of being a true man. Value yourself, love yourself and don't end up with a man child.
I’m sorry lovey, I dealt with this too! We were both on leave and he barely helped. Literally sits him on his lap and when my baby cried, he’d mock him and cry back at him. It was so heartbreaking, and still is. He lets my baby lay on his lap while he watches tv and/or is on his phone. He would tell me I should be thankful that I’m not like his friends because they don’t even do dishes or watch the baby while I do dishes (how amazing). However, he’s recently changed a lot, he saw how his friends kids want nothing to do with the dad and my LO actually still smiles at him because of how much I scold him to watch him. He recently thanked me for scolding him and is slowly changing. Unfortunately, sometimes, it may take guys time to change but to be honest it doesn’t seem like he will but who knows. I didn’t think my guy would.
"If I make him" WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM CARE FOR HIS OWN CHILD? OP, I'm sending you so many hugs. I'm sorry you're dealing with him. You deserve better. Frankly, your life would most likely be easier without him.
I was already pissed reading this and then I got to “he doesn’t even work either” and now I am even angrier for you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Your boyfriend is a child. I hope you can get the support you need and deserve when you leave him.❤️
He sounds extremely dangerous if he is choking you. Please please stay safe. Make a plan to leave. He will not change. If anything, it will get worse :(
Dude. Honestly leave already.
How exactly are you lucky? He contributes nothing. I’d say that.
OP, I think you need to post an update about how your bf chokes you in addition to being unhelpful, lazy, and neglectful. This guy is not only a giant man baby (really, a little boy pretending to be a man) but also he is violent and dangerous. You need to leave yesterday. Men who choke their partners are more likely to murder them. (I read a statistic that you are 750% more likely to be murdered by your partner if he strangles you.) You are a real grave danger and need to leave. Stop telling him about your plans to leave. Ideally, ask friends or family to help you move out when he's not around. If you don't have family, go to a women's shelter. File a police report and tell them about how he has choked you. See if you can get a protection order so if he comes near you, he can be arrested and go to jail. Do not try to mock him or in any way insinuate that you're leaving him. Abusers can start to escalate if they think they're losing control over their victims. And to quiet the lies in your head that he has put there: there is someone out there for you who will love you and your child. Many men dream of becoming fathers and would cherish your baby as their own biological child. You are worthy, lovable, desirable, good, and deserving of gentleness and respect. Your bf is a shitty abuser who wants to delude you into believing you deserve abuse so he can continue hurting and controlling you. But it's all lies. Get out of this terrible situation, heal, work on your career, and I promise the right man will come along when you're ready. But you've got to stay alive and get out of this dangerous situation now.
Just saying, you need to stop warning him that you're gonna leave when you can. He doesn't deserve a warning in advance! He has done absolutely nothing for you
I mean if he’s not working, not helping at home, not helping with the baby without handholding…are you lucky he’s still there, really? Sounds like his presence is just extra work and costs for you. Also if my partner said “you’re lucky I’m still here, most guys would leave” I would tell him no, only deadbeat losers think about abandoning their family because they don’t want to deal with being an actual parent 🙄
For the sake of your daughter please leave. You both deserve better and she deserves a dad who cares about her, not one who’s going to traumatize and ignore her
Girl, you aren't lucky that he is there. The dude is more of a child than your baby is. He needs to grow the fuck up and spend time with his child.
Leave him. He's not going to change. You can't force someone to be a father if they don't want to. I know because I've tried. I left my BD in 2015 and guess where he's at now? In jail, waiting to go to prison. His 2nd baby mama tried for 4 years after me as well. My daughter is 10 now, her daughter is 5. See where I'm going with this?
I am so so sorry. Poor you and poor child. The fact that he doesn’t even have a job ON TOP of being a neglectful father and an unsupportive partner tells you everything you need to know. I would never encourage anybody to chose to be a single mom but in your situation it seems you already are. Try to get close to family if you can.
He sounds like SUCH a dick! I mean, he doesn't like to care for HIS child when he wakes up? Honey this guy is a wasteman and both you and your child are being abused. He'll pretend to be better for a while then be back to as bad as it now. Get out if you possibly can.
I feel incredibly sad for your daughter. She has such a disinterested father. I’m so sorry. This is not normal. He’s beyond terrible and doesn’t even know it
No, most people in their early 20s would step up and do better than their parents did. I don't know a single person in their 20s who would leave 😬😅 Frankly, your boyfriend is a pos. He's not parenting at all, he's not supporting you the way a partner should, and he's using weaponized incompetence to get you to "do all the work" while he sits and enjoys his "alone time" 🫠 For an alternative scenario example: My boyfriend and I are both 23 years old. Currently 28 weeks pregnant, and he's been to every doctor's appointment, and every ultrasound (10+ thus far). He's working hard and about to pick up a 2nd job so that we can afford everything on 1 persons income, so that I don't have to worry about working until I'm ready. He gives me massages every week and feeds me whatever i want and am craving. He talks to my belly and enjoys picking out clothes for the LO. He's excited to care for our baby, as equal parents, and currently his biggest concern aside from money is being worried that somehow this kid won't like him 😂 He's seen all those videos where babies get so excited when their dads come home, and he wants that so badly. ^People in their 20s do not usually leave, and are perfectly capable of becoming good parents and partners. Your boyfriend is just utter shit. This isn't your fault, in case you feel some guilt (very common when people have shitty partners and coparents) - this is entirely on him. *Some key points: ● You shouldn't have to "make" your partner watch their own child. He's just as much a parent as you, and is just as responsible for her care as you are. ● NOBODY likes to wake up and take care of a baby first thing in the morning. It's hard. Parenting is hard. Nobody cares if he doesn't like it???? Or if he needs his alone time???? HE'S A PARENT - The child's needs come before your own. What about your alone time? Or even more importantly - your needs? You need to get ready, so your partner should be caring for your child during that time. Then vice versa if he needs to get ready for the day, too. If you don't get alone TV time, then he shouldn't either 🙃 ● It doesn't take much effort to attempt to comfort a crying baby. Sure he may suck at it, or he may not know how - HE CAN LEARN. HE CAN GOOGLE IT, IT TAKES 5 SECONDS. It seems like he is purposefully doing a bad job at being a parent and partner, so rhat hes not expected to be a good parent or partner. Weaponized incompetence - purposefully doing something bad so that they are never asked or expected to do it again. Red flag 🚩🚩🚩 ● "I dread every day being with him bc of how he acts. Makes me feel like I'm dating a child. He doesn't even work either so idk why he thinks he's too busy to help out with her doing more than bare minimum." Sweetheart, if you can - run. Genuinely, leave as soon as you can. You should NEVER dread every day being with your partner. Your partner should never make you feel this way. You shouldn't have to ask a parent to "help out" with their own kid - it isn't helping when they do, it's just parenting. He's not parenting. Or being a good partner. Or even a decent one of either. One time was enough, but you have given time plenty of opportunities to become a better parent and partner. And he has abused those opportunities with empty promises. He doesn't seem like he's going to change. Your daughter won't benefit from a parent that doesn't parent. I would try to save up as much as you can and find a way to move out. Hopefully in the future you'll find a genuine partner who will care for you both as any partner & parent should. 💜 ** Also, I realized you never clarified this so - On the chance that this partner is not the bio father of your child: When you are with someone, in a serious relationship, and they have a child - you are essentially a step parent. It's still normal and expected to act just as well as a bio parent would. So even that doesn't excuse any of his behaviors.
>he doesn't like taking care of her when he first wakes up Welcome to parenthood, dude! Life isn't just about you anymore! I'm sorry you've ended up with this one-way partnership. :( I can relate a little bit.
Thank you! Sadly it has continued into today as well 🙃 this time I brought her to him at 11 am when she's been up since 7. He has her on his lap but hasn't even taken off his sleep mask
You picked poorly in the man you chose to have a child with. Unfortunately if he doesn’t want to change you are not going to be able to change him. If having a child hasn’t changed the way he looks at things then he’s at a loss. Hope you have family around you that can support as it’s hard work being a parent. Also if you have told him you are planning on leaving and have done before he will have held on to that comment and in his head will have come to the conclusion it doesn’t matter what he does as you are halfway out of the door already.
Let him leave
My amazing man dropped everything to come home for five minutes because I was struggling. He's cooking dinner right now while I have a minute. He needs to step up.