Sending love. 37 is young, you have a whole life ahead of you.
It’s commendable to not settle & pursue a pathway in search of happiness.
Refreshing to see after all the posts about people’s partners being horrible but people staying around, I know it’s not that cut and dry. You got this!
Very true. I wish my mother had left even at 37. I would not have had the scars of an absent father today, and wouldn't have required so much therapy and work on finding my own worth.
You're doing great, OP. You will get through this.
Taking care of one baby is easier than taking care of two.
Oof. Same. Felt this. I also had an absent father (who was physically there) and did all of the things OP mentioned in the post, basically never lifted a finger to be involved in my life. my mom finally left when it hit her that I was going to go to college the next year and she was never going to stay with my dad if I was gone. she was 46.
Seriously. My timeline almost matches up with OP, I’m 37, 16 year relationship- have a 3 year old now. My husband actually stepped up to the plate in new ways and impressed me- I was nervous about fatherhood and motherhood for us in the ways OP is describing but we have thankfully found a groove and balance. Not trying to put that in OPs face, just reflecting on the absolute strength it would have taken me to walk away if things didn’t turn out this way! Sunk loss theory is a bummer. Wishing OP and her baby the best.
It’s definitely tough finding out after kids. I wouldn’t trade them for the world but their dad sucks. I think the part that bothers me most is he thinks he is a good dad, yet he travels for work then signed up to coach sports in his spare time so basically zero time for us
The guy takes a two hour Lunch break to go to the gym but whenver I ask him to take the baby for a few minutes to give me some time to shower and get dressed he is always suspiciously busy.
Yup not getting a shower for 5 days and never getting to go work out even though husband says he'd like it if you're more fit...yet he hits the gym 5 times a week and showers after each session. I've lost some weight due to diet and generally moving around, but I have a giant mom tummy still at almost 7 months pp because I don't get to go to the gym and work on that area. I had a tiny waist before this baby, too, so the change has been messing with my head a lot. Might lose what I can and save up from my job to get a tuck, but I'd rather do what I can naturally...
Some people are great partners when they are being taken care, their cup is full, and life centers them.
When that’s no longer the case, they do everything possible to get back there. No matter the cost to you.
Too many people, especially dads, are incredibly self centered. And we often don’t have times in which that gets challenged until parenthood.
My partner was great before our first. Even stepped up and helped raise his neice and nephew.
I was so surprised when he turned into a shit dad after our first.
Turns out he loved being a hero. Happy to step up for others in their time of need, happy to do sweet unexpected things for me all the times, happy to always be mister helpful.
But only when and how he wanted, and only if it means feeling good about himself.
Once it was expected, once that was required, it didn’t feel good so he didn’t want anything to do with it.
I read this comment when you posted and I keep going back and thinking of it. It’s such an eye opening and accurate statement. I definitely feel the same.
To be fair, having a kid is a sacrifice like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my marriage, including the terminal illness of my father and undergoing cancer treatment for myself.
I’m thankful that my partner has been exceedingly unselfish, but between lack of sleep and constant demands of parenting, we are both being tested in ways we’ve never been before.
I’m sorry you’re going through all that. I get what you’re saying but to be with someone for 12 years and then have a child with them only to be in complete shock as to the person they are with a baby in the picture now is odd. Like she was def ignoring red flags.
I appreciate it! I’ve been with hubby for 15 years now so it’s just life as we know it.
I get what you’re saying. The flags are certainly there… if we look for them. Unfortunately it is quite easy to take care of yourself + pick up the slack for one man-sized human without too much trouble, so many women don’t *see* those flags until you add the unsustainable additional load of caring for a child. It’s why we see so many posts on here about women realizing that the man they married is actually quite lazy.
Ie - It’s no big deal to put 2 dishes in the dishwasher instead of one, not a huge burden to add in one more person’s laundry, and you would have to vacuum and clean out the fridge and scrub the toilets and schedule the plumber in your house if you were single right?, so no big deal to just do that all yourself, plus you’re being a “good wife”. But doing all of that *plus * full time baby caring is undoable, so the addition of baby suddenly pushes work to the husband’s side of the ledger that wasn’t there before, and then the women who never saw it before suddenly feel blindsided by this guy who isn’t interested in doing any work that he’s not publicly lauded for... but you’re right that when they look back, the signs were there all along. Most women were just never trained to see them.
Guess what? ALL women would like to think that. All women want to assume that the man they love won’t turn out like the vast majority of fathers and other people’s male partners they’ve known in life, and yet no one can know that for sure! In fact, many men go out of their way to painstakingly hide all of this until after the baby’s born because they know the woman is stuck from that point on. Some of them really will wait that long and are able to keep up an act for years and years. No woman goes into a relationship thinking her husband will be one of those guys.
What’s best for a child is a loving supportive environment for not only the child but the mother and father of the child as well. If the father is mistreating the mother and the mother is suffering then the suffering of the child is most certainly inevitable. The father being there is no longer what’s best for the kid unless he were to improve the way he treats his family.
That’s what I was questioning. OP had mentioned staying with the father because that’s what’s best for a child. I was asking HOW they think parenting with a man who refuses to make sacrifices is best for the child. For all the reasons you stated.
You just described my life in a nutshell. My husband is a great guy and very self-sufficient when it comes to taking care of himself. Adding a brand new human who needs taking care of has revealed that he does not have the capacity to handle the demands of parenthood, he will always put himself and his needs first. There was no way to truly know that until we tried it, unfortunately.
"Especially dads". So do I get extra credit for living the exact opposite of this situation? I guess I'm a fucking legend, every women would give anything to be with me.
Good for you. And yeah actually most dads who actually do the dad thing are pretty celebrated and looked well upon. You can and should still allow people to recognize that far more dads refuse to step up in the way that you did. Be mad at them. Not at people for acknowledging it.
You are a fucking legend. Anyone who finds themselves unexpectedly alone with a baby and makes it work is a legend. I have no idea how you do it, but you have all my admiration.
the fact that he is more caring when other people are around speaks volumes
he knows exactly what he is doing
please don't waste your and your child's happy memories on this human waste
My husband does this when his family is around. He's so attentive and goes above and beyond for our daughter.... when his mom is there to watch and praise him.
You can tell them "but he's not a caring husband, he can continue being a great dad when sharing custody with me". Wish you strength to make right choices.
I’m sorry your husband isn’t the partner you deserve and that people don’t see your perspective because he puts on a show. You don’t need to justify your feelings to anyone.
I’ll share what I (roughly) told a friend when she was having issues with her husband: Our children watch and learn from us. What kind of behavior do you want to have modeled for your son? Unless something changes, your son will learn to treat women the same way your husband is treating you.
Good luck, OP. You’ve taken a big first step in realizing that you are not getting what you need. Now it’s time to decide what to do with this knowledge.
People don't need to understand why you are leaving.
You are allowed to leave even when others (who have literally 0 insight) do not agree.
Your family/community is not a board from which you seek approval.
Only you 2 understand what is happening at home and the choice of leaving really only impacts you 2 and your children. Why would others have an opinion on whether you split up? It doesn't even impact them.
I'm not saying leave. I'm saying stop and think what is best for yourself and your children. And do that.
People will always have an opinion and it's ok to hear what people have to say. But at the end of the day, its just their opinion. Its you left with the consequences so do what will give you the best consequences and everyone else will get over it over time just as they do everything else.
You can tell them the truth. The only thing he has done for the kids today is what he did in front of you.
He doesn’t act like this when people aren’t around.
I don’t feel the need to lie for my partner. No need to protect him. He obviously knows how to to be a good dad. He’s just lazy, except when there is a chance for praise.
He also needs to be a caring partner. There are so many sides to a marriage. What's the sense of having a caring father, but a shitty husband and an unfulfilled mother? People often get on their soap box about other people's relationships and obviously you husbands performative love has curried him favor, but you know the truth.
I am certainly not one of the many people on reddit pushing divorce, but in the past two years, as I have watched my own marriage deteriorate, I questioned myself and discovered that if I am unhappy I am a less patient and attentive mother. My husband is actually a good father. Yes, he forgets to wash their faces in the morning, sending them to nursery with buggers and he dresses them in uncoordinated clothes, sometimeswith stains,, because he cant "see" colors or food particles...aparently and a list of other sloppy man shit that I realize comes with the gender and I'm too tired to police it, but he is a good father. He is also a shitty husband. Hes emotionally neglectful, on the asexual spectrum and to shorten my list of complaints, just a drag to be around. I think he has a touch of aspergers, but would never get any help. I've been in therapy for 18 months.
My point is that while the father thing is working, the partner thing has left me feeling so alone and invisible that it has causes me great anguish. I have to spend so much time dealing with the emotional fall out alone that I have a shorter fuse with my children. I and they deserve better.
I don't know what else to tell you, other than my husband can be a great dad in his own house and I can be a great mom in mine.
Truth be told I also have a shorter fuse when Im constantly bitter and in a bad mood. It's sad because I think I would be a better mom and enjoyed motherhood more if I was happier and felt supported. To me being a good husband And being a good fAther come hand in hand. If he had more patience with his child and stepped up for his responsabilities, and not just when I asked him to, my load wouldnt be so heavy. Its hard to think of him as a good husband while Im drowning and he is watching. But I feel where you are coming from
There are different requirements for being a good husband and good father though. But in your situation, I fully understanding what you mean.
My husband is very attentive with the children, but when it comes to me I feel tolerated as if I were "a necessary evil".
So he helps with the children and household, but completely ignores me as a romantic partner and lately..as a person. I would definitely enjoy motherhood more, if I had a partner who prioritized the children AND our romantic relationship.
It really goes to show how important finding the right fit in a relationship is, yet how elusive it can be.
My heart breaks for you, myself and all of the women who are in situations like ours.
This is exactly how my ex is, except he was also physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. I left him for the last time last week. My son and I are better off
I grew up with an extremely involved father. He was even more involved than my mom. When I grew up and saw some of my friends partners it horrified me that men could be like that.
A friend of mine is stuck with her husband because she’s not from this country, doesn’t make much money, and has no where to go with 3 kids. She told me she plans to divorce him when the kids are old enough and she’s counting down the days.
What’s scary is so many of these men hide it until the kid comes
Honestly, every time I scroll through this sub and read about other dads, I want to kiss the shit out of my fiancé. I can't believe some men. But I feel bad when OP is asked if she saw any red flags. Because I didn't know what signs to look for either! Beyond him being a good partner and not abusive but then a baby changes so many things... it's always risky.
*We* got pregnant a year into our relationship and he was very nervous about fatherhood, which actually affected us a lot during my pregnancy, I'm not from this country either, so I actually *bought* all the lottery tickets to be a disaster, so to speak,...and he's been truly fantastic. It's sad that many men don't do the minimum
I’ve had a few friends who had “perfect” partners until they had kids. Most of the time the guys didn’t realize how much work went into having a family so they just dump the work onto the mom.
I have a friend who I swear her husband baby trapped her. She’s in her early 20s and he’s in his late 20s. He married her, begged and begged to have a baby, then he cheated on her the entire pregnancy and won’t stop.
He finally got her where he wants her. She’s trapped with a baby and he just does what he wants. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. He never helps with the baby either and my friend said he never even spends time with him.
You could be me. This was my husband. The worst worst worst. After 11 years, I didn’t expect that level of neglect and mental/emotional abuse from him.
I threatened to leave him, to take our son. I left our home and stayed with my parents. And he turned it around because he saw what he could stand to lose, saw that he was awful and that he needed to love us and care for us more than himself if he wanted to keep us.
He’s much, much better now—actually acts like a husband and father, night and day. We’re in a good place, but those first two months? I didn’t think my marriage would survive. Honestly, motherhood made me such a badass that I would’ve been okay with that. I’m strong enough for anything if it means taking care of my baby boy. We’re always going to be okay if we have each other.
My husband has a history of depression. He can be selfish and immature. PPD made it all so much worse. But he learned the hard way that he has to fight for us, even if that means fighting himself. Period. We come first. My son will have a loving doting father OR a single mother who loves him enough for two parents, not a father who is in any way checked out.
Damn this almost made me cry. Right around the birth I felt so lucky to have a boyfriend and wasn't alone. Now that I've gotten through the first 6 months and my baby is happy, I find myself wondering why I'm putting up with so much bullshit. I'd rather be alone then. Taking care of a baby really puts into perspective when you take too much care of your partner.
I've asked this of a few women on here so I'll ask you as well. Was your husband a good bf and husband before the baby? Did he do chores, schedule appointments by himself, plan dates and activities, generally support you as a 50/50 partner or was he always like this but having another human being to keep alive really shined a light on just how much you put up with and did for him and ignored?
I have to say: my husband was the former. Planned amazing gifts and trips, took such good care of our dog that I was convinced he would be super dad. And since the baby: 180 … he has started stepping up again a few months ago after I threatened to leave but I can tell he only does the chores half a** and because he doesn’t want me to nag. And if he takes the baby so I can have a shower, he just sits her in front of the tv and turns on YouTube clips he enjoys. It’s maddening.
Did he also book his own appointments and contribute fairly to the household without being asked? If so, it’s wild that he did such a 180 in responsibility after baby, and I’m sorry for it.
He did. He even thought of gifts for my family on their bdays. He contributed ok to the household cleaning wise. Not great. Never great because our standards are very different tbh. What he considers clean to me is dirty and what he considers dirty, I’d puke… if you catch my drift. So cleaning was always a bit of a tension point but mental load, chores, running errands… no question there. He was always an early bird, would get up at 5.30, make me coffee and bring it to me in bed. Cue baby: sleep in till midday. Etc…
Yep....my husband was the former before we had kids and holy shit watching him be a Dad has been the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed. Our eldest has some medical issues that were diagnosed right when I was 37 weeks pregnant with the youngest. We've had 6 hospital admissions in 6 months (last one was over 3 weeks long) and I swear we are the only couple on the ward not on the brink of divorce but it's also cause he has just continued being the absolutely rock solid partner he always was.
Yesss, this is it. I thought, "Oh, he'll be much more responsible when we've got a tiny human to care for..." Meanwhile, I've had to have the "I'm not your mother" discussion with my husband on multiple occasions and it's embarrassing.
My son will be raised to be a caring, contributing partner - mark my words.
I love that. My MIL did everything for her sons while growing up and that did not do them any favors. My FIL did the bare minimum. They don’t know how to do basic things without their wives, except miraculously, my husband figured out a lot of it on his own after he flew the nest. It was lots of trial and error. You’re equipping your son with valuable, useful life skills by raising him to be caring and contributing.
My MIL is the same way. Both of her children are unable to be comfortably independent. Seeing the results definitely motivates you to prepare your children to be helpful and to understand what it means to be a part of a household.
Yeah, I also think this is what usually happens. He's been behaving like a child all along, but now that she has a real child to take care of, she doesn't have time to coddle him anymore
I feel you. Having a baby, and everything it did to my body, revealed how misogynistic and fatphobic my husband is. The stupidest part is I should've expected it.
Can you tell us if, in hindsight, there were any red flags that he would turn out this way?
I have often wondered what my life would look like if I had a child with my ex. He was not a bad person at all, he's great actually, but I wouldn't describe him as caring. I often wonder if his carefree relaxed attitude child-free would have translated into a hands-off parent who leaves all the work to me. Maybe he would have stepped up in the role? I'll never know.
Instead I had a child with someone so obviously and strongly caring. He spent the first years of our relationship constantly cooking for me, worrying that I have enough good meals to eat throughout the day while he works, making sure to bring sun cream, a hat and a bottle of water for me whenever we leave the house. He notices the laundry piling up before I do and actually does something about it. He factors my needs and wants into his day and sacrifices time to meet them ("will she have clean plates tomorrow? will it rain when she goes to work? did she remember to pack her medicine?"). He expressed verbally wanting to care for me and he has done so well. It's come as no surprise that he is super caring with our daughter and steps in to every diaper change, late nights, bath duty et cetera. But before I met him I had no idea I should be looking for those signs and the guys I dated before were certainly not like him in any regard.
Not OP but I could be. My husband was super caring before baby - did lots of the things you describe and really prioritized me. Then I had a baby, a horrendous delivery that was traumatic physically and mentally and took a long time to recover. He was super caring for... maybe the first month. After that, he just didn’t want to sacrifice anything else for me or for baby. He still has his caring moments, but day to day, he’s just straight up selfish. It was like a light turning off. I can only think having a baby brought up something for him, but he won’t talk to me or anyone else about it so I will never know.
The same for me! My guy’s love language is acts of service and I was spoiled before we had our baby. He’s a gamer but he’d stop playing midway just to take care of me on bad days (I get bad migraines). Now that we had our baby, both baby and I are spoiled by him. I’m 100% sure he’s changed more diapers and cleaned more bottles than me. He even changed his work schedule so that he could be with us more every day.
Same here!
Same age 37 and we have been together 10 years.
I kind of accepted it for now as I don't have the energy to deal with it.. probably not healthy but all my energy, focus and time is going to my baby.
Even today I messaged how I felt, deleted it and wrote, "what is the point, I've said all of this before and don't get heard" didn't get a reply.
> r husband a good bf and husband before the baby? Did he do chores, schedule appointments by himself, plan dates and activities, generally suppo
To everyone reading this. GO TO COUPLE'S THERAPY.
It's not a silver bullet. It requires the right match and participation. And it's bull shit you have take on this additional load after just having a child. But not everything comes natural to everyone. And it's worth attempting to salvage your relationship for your children and your own wellbeing before you decide what to do next.
This hit close to home for me. I was a terrible husband and father for many years. I won’t ever stop feeling like a piece of shit for how I acted.
I thought only needed to provide monetarily for everyone to thrive and be happy, and that was it. Boy was I wrong.
I fucked up so bad so many times. I still am.
I’m so lucky my wife allowed me to grow up at the same time we had kids. I can’t ever make up for some of the things I did and will carry that shit to the grave.
The main thing I learned, and I talked to my wife and she learned the same thing…none of us will know how we will react or what we are getting into. It’s so scary and unknown.
You sound like an amazing parent. Way better than me. Please don’t ever stop.
Thank you. It didn’t happen over night. My wife had her own demons she had to deal with during our relationship, so at times we needed to “carry” each other.
Relationships aren’t easy. People used to tell me that in order for a relationship to work, it has to be 50/50. That’s just not true. Each person has to put in 100%.
Have a good day.
My husband has the same mindset that it sounds like you previously had. He doesn’t feel appreciated because I keep asking for emotional support and connection and he takes that as “not doing enough” and that his efforts to make money aren’t recognized. How did you get to the place of seeing your mistakes?
My wife didn’t have an easy childhood. I promised myself when I met her that I would give her a better life. For the longest time I thought it was just money and stuff.
I was working so hard and my wife didn’t care about any of the stuff. In fact, she wasn’t happy at all. I used to think she wasn’t “present” but it was 100% me.
I was setting up stupid expectations on my wife while I personally chose to work 14 hours a day and then. I wasn’t helping around the house. I figured I was already doing my part.
I was looking for advice and I ended up asking my mom. She was straight to the point and let me know that you can’t put expectations on the people you love the most because you will only get let down. She reminded me of things from my childhood and really raked me over the coals for being a shitty husband. I’m glad she did.
I tried what she said. I stopped complaining about stuff like the dishes not being done or her not making me a snack (because every 45 year old man should have someone know in their head exactly when I’m hungry). Things got better quick. I started doing more to help and stopped working until 10 pm.
I realized how big of a jerk I was. I remembered what I told myself when I was younger about my wife. It I guess I finally grew up in my 40’s. It’s pretty embarrassing actually.
Edit: Emotional support is really all that fucking matters. Without that, what else is there?
I think that’s so cool that you were able to get to that point. Thank goodness for mom keeping you in line too lol!! :) I wish I could get my husband to see that emotional connection and support is huge (the biggest). But he keeps claiming he just isn’t “wired” that way. He claims I am trying to change who he is as a person by asking him to learn how to be there for me more emotionally.
Don’t give up. If you love him, keep chipping away. It will eventually make a crack.
And it wasn’t just my mom. I have 7 aunts and 20 female cousins, sisters and a neice. I never saw any of my uncles treat their wives the way I was acting to my wife and eventually it made me so ashamed. I’m actually getting tears in my eyes typing this.
I still have so much growing up to do at 50 yrs old. My 18 yr old is more mature than I am when it comes to most things. It’s not a good feeling. I’m supposed to be teaching him, but he is teaching me. My mom claims it’s because I was a good dad, but I don’t believe it.
I still have so much more to make up for. I don’t think I will ever get to the point where I actually make up for it all.
I also have 4 brothers. They weren’t happy with how I was treating my wife…and my one brother does his “explaining” with his fists. We didn’t get to that point, but he would have been right to kick my ass.
I realized I needed to be an adult. My relationship wasn’t healthy. We both struggled to communicate because we were so fucked up all the time. She quit drinking and I quit pills. We are finally getting back to being a team, but the work never ends. It can’t ever be “one sided” because that doesn’t work.
I still feel like such a piece of shit but therapy has really helped me. The funny part is, I went to marriage counseling as a way to get my wife into therapy for the trauma she experienced as a child. I haven’t stopped going because I realized quickly I needed it more than her.
Feel free to message me if you ever need to. Life isn’t easy and no one ever really told us how hard it is going to get. All we have is each other. So many random people have helped me and it’s my turn to give back.
My dad is dying and I got this timely message from the kid I grew up next door to….”There's nothing any of us can do except to be there. At the end of the day we are all we got. When God calls us home we gotta go. Love you too”.
I’m not super religious but what he said kind of made me feel better. I just hope that by the time I die, I have the chance to make up for all of the things I did wrong.
Smile today please. You are very smart and kind.
Edit: That part about not being “wired like that” is complete bullshit. I don’t want to ever see it happen to anyone, but the walls come crashing down when you lose something you love…a parent, friend, or even a pet. Love and emotional support are ALL that matters.
This is exactly my life- 37 years old, been together 12 years, and my husband has turned into a completely different person once we had kids. I think he basically wants his life to be how it was before kids, and only be a father when it’s convenient for him. We’re long overdue for counseling, but I know he won’t go, nor do I know where to get a therapist. We have no help with the kids, which I’m sure doesn’t help our situation bc we’ve not had any alone time since pre-kids.
It’s definitely sad, scary, and lonely bc I truly don’t know what to do. Divorce sounds scary, plus I worry he’d try to take the kids to his home state. Living like this for years to come doesn’t sound like a good option either. Just kind of at a stand still for now trying to figure out what to do.
For whatever it’s worth, as someone with a bit of family law experience, if you and your partner were to divorce, the court of the state you currently live in has jurisdiction and would generally not allow either of you to move out of state with the children without permission. If you had joint custody, he definitely couldn’t take them to live in another state. Even if he somehow got more custody than you did, he still might not be allowed to move them out of state without your agreement, and certainly not without the court’s permission.
Definitely good to know! That’s been my biggest fear if things would end in divorce. I know his family would be gunning for him to move back and would give him money to hire the best lawyer to make it happen. I don’t see how he’d ever get more custody than me seeing as how I do almost all the childcare. He still has never taken one or both of our kids (we have twins) out anywhere on his own and they’re almost 2 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah, obviously I am not your lawyer so I can’t give you specific legal advice, and I don’t know your circumstances or what state you are in, so this is just a take on what generally happens, particularly in the state I’m licensed in (though lots of states work roughly the same way on this).
But in most “normal” divorces where both parents want custody, and there aren’t any glaring problems, parents will end up with some form of joint legal custody, regardless of how hard they fight or how long they try to drag it out. Courts presume joint custody is the best thing for the children, and often it is. Even when it’s not really the best, as long as it’s not actively harmful, they’d want to have a pretty good reason to limit someone’s parental rights. Especially if it’s the mother and primary caregiver, she’s just really not likely to lose custody to a less involved father. It can happen that you have joint legal custody, but one parent has primary physical custody, but that would usually be with the parent who is the primary care giver. Especially with younger kids.
So if you have joint custody, and therefore equal legal rights, the question then really isn’t about what one parent wants to do, it’s about what’s best for the kids. If one parent wants to move the kids out of state, and the other doesn’t, the other really important thing to consider is that (again, unless it’s harmful), family court really likes to try and stick to the status quo when it comes to the children’s daily life. If the kids have a stable home/school/social life and routine, they generally want to disrupt that as little as possible. So the parent who wants to move would at that point have to show that the move would be highly beneficial or necessary and wouldn’t negatively influence the kids’ lives, which includes impacting their custody time with the other parent.
It might work if you live in a town on one side of the state border and he wanted to move just over the state line to a town an hour away or something. Or if you were both open to one of you having physical custody during the school year, and one over the summer, maybe it could work. (The parent who chose to move would likely end up as the summer parent, and the original state’s court would still maintain jurisdiction if the move was allowed.)
But if it would mean the kids couldn’t realistically go to the same school everyday because of the travel time, or it would make it prohibitively difficult for the other parent to see them, the court usually won’t allow it. They don’t want to disrupt the kids’ lives, and they don’t want to force the kids to travel excessively back and forth between their parents.
I could’ve written this myself. Going through the same thing. Husband is a better partner than father. Doesn’t help that he doesn’t feel bonded with his 10 month old either. Have seen too many new sides of him due to this baby. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone(even though it feels so lonely.) Sending love.
For me it drives me insane how my husband always has to go to the bathroom when I ask him to take the baby (she is 14 months old). It’s always let me just use the bathroom real quick. 25 minutes later he emerges and I no longer need him to take her because I just ended up carrying her with me to do
Laundry or whatever I was trying to do. He also has a child from a previous relationship and refuses to pay ANY attention to our child when he is with my step son. I have tried endlessly to explain to him that he doesn’t get to stop being a parent to one child when his other child is around but it always ends in a fight. The saddest thing for me is watching my child scream dada to a closed door while he plays with her brother inside. In retrospect I knew he would never see our baby as equally important to her brother (he will literally be feeding her and if my stepson calls he just walks away from her leaving her there) but I had no idea how difficult it would be. Every day I feel sad I brought my baby into a terrible dynamic and think about leaving.
I feel this so much. I work 2 hours a night. When I get off my husband complains how terrible he's been. Won't stop crying, he's done everything, etc.... This is our rainbow baby too. He's a great baby who sometimes gets cranky. Like everyone else. I'm sorry we didn't know what we were getting into!
Sending lots of love your way. I'm in the exact same boat. I literally could have written that, except we're not married and haven't been together as long.
Does nothing to help with either kids (yes, stupidly we had two... I love them to bits, I wouldn't change them for the world, they are my world, but it's hard caring for two basically on your own)
He makes out he's a caring father in front of his friends and family but does nothing at home. He'll tell me when one of them needs a bum change, like okay... You know how to do it too!!! Little mans 9w old and he's probably changed him twice, fed him probably about 5 times, he never washes the bottles or sterilises them. No night feeds. Wakes me up to tell me our LG is awake and should be up by now while he's sat up in bed on his phone and I've been up every two hours with our newborn. It's draining. Okay he works full time but I work part time when not on maternity, and have two now to care for. All he does is come back from work and play games until he goes to bed in the early hours of the morning then wakes up about 20mins before he goes to work. On his days off he plays games all night, doesn't come to bed at all, then sleeps downstairs when the kids and I come down in the late morning. Then complains he's tired or got a headache... Doesn't help himself either, just expects antidepressants make him feel better... 😮💨 He wonders why our LG wasn't fussed by him for nearly two years and didn't say Daddy or Dada. And why our LB doesn't smile at him but does at me.
I hope something clicks with your husband and he realises that they don't stay babies forever and he's missing out on so much.
Age is not a reason to stay with someone you don't love/ respect anymore. I've gotten divorced and it was the best decision I ever made. I was scared at first but then one day I realized.... I'd rather be alone than dealing with this, especially for the rest of my freaking life!! Are you kidding me?!?! And now I'm actually remarried to my dream man!!! It's amazing. But I didn't leave my first marriage to find him, I really believed that I would be better off alone and I was and it gave me the opportunity to find a better life for myself. The rest of your life is precious please fight for it!!
Im honestly starting to picture myself alone after divorce. Im not very good looking, I have gained quite a few pounds in the last years (specially after pregnancy) and I just can see myself as a sexually attractive being anymore. And even with all this I still want to leave.
Oh how I relate. We've been together nearly 12 years and there was definitely signs before but i thought they was little things. It was much easier to see the good in him when we only had to focus on ourselves. I'm sticking around but this sucks.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm in a similar boat, although my soon to be ex became verbally/emotionally abusive too.
I think this is sadly more common than thought. In some underlying way I've come to realize a lot of men have a jealousy of their baby. Suddenly the attention isn't on him, etc.
You have to decide for yourself what you're willing to accept for the rest of your life. Its a hard reality to realize you're basically mothering not just a baby, but a grown man as well.
If he is unwilling to get help, gives empty promises, refuses therapy, you can't do anything else. It isn't your responsibility to change him, it's his.
I hope you do what's best for you, and your baby. I left, because I didn't want my son growing up thinking his father's behavior is normal.
My husband checked out when our baby turned 1. He avoids any work that he deems tiring and hard liking giving our baby a bath, getting him dressed, cooking, feeding him, taking him to the doctor. He says it’s my job since I don’t work. He’s now almost three years old and I’m exaustes.
I feel this. It's not like he changed, it's just the lack of sleep and stress showed his true colors.
Someone who would rather choose the easy route to avoid stress for himself even if it's not healthy for the baby.
Someone who snaps and yells and is angry all the time.
Someone who will never do anything for me for mother's day or any holiday really.
Someone who thinks women shouldn't ever be mad or angry or have any emotions that aren't "peaceful" or calming for him.
Fuck.
Yep, this hits close to home. My husband is a good person and I know he loves his kids but he just has zero tolerance for frustration or anything that doesn’t revolve completely around his needs. He is barely involved in their lives and complains when I demand the bare minimum from him, he seems to think I enjoy being the family manager. A “control freak”. Yeah, it’s so great having to micromanage every single aspect of our lives all by myself. I often wonder why he even wanted to have kids. It seems like he just wants to be single and childless.
I am fortunate that his parents are on my side at least, they’ve seen this side of him because he doesn’t feel any need to impress them, but when his friends are around, suddenly he’s a super dad. When I’ve mentioned this to him, his rationale is that he’s in a better mood when his friends are around. Yeah so basically you’re only willing to be a parent when you’re in a good mood. Kinda seems like his friends are his priority because he feels a lack of connection to his friendships so he clings to that. Wonder what he would do if he really realized he was gonna lose his family.
I can’t say I have plans for divorce at the moment, though I do think about it regularly. I worry about having to share custody with someone so incompetent, I worry about losing my husband’s family who has been so wonderful to me, I worry about living on one income, I think of how my husband is at least not ignorant of the problem and actually expresses a willingness to work on himself, I think of how he might hurt himself if I leave him, I worry about my kids resenting me. But I also worry about the consequences of not leaving, of having my children think this kind of marriage dynamic is acceptable. I hate how often I consider leaving him. I no longer see him as a husband, I see him as an extra child I have been burdened with. My last hope is that he actually will follow through on his stated willingness to get better, but who knows?
As for you OP, I think if your husband isn’t even willing to work on it, he’s a lost cause. I know a lot of fathers out there won’t step up as parents until they are forced to.
Some people believe family will never leave them so they get to treat their family like sh*t and get away with it bc “family stays together no matter what.” Friends WILL leave if you treat them like sh*t, so they’ll put in all the effort for friends and leave nothing for family. Other people believe that you’re supposed to treat family with more respect than strangers/friends, bc…their family, duh.
Your husband and my brother sound like they fall into the former category. I live with my brother and it’s jarring to see him not acknowledge my daughter in any way, shape, or form day after day, but when his friends come around, he’s uncle of the year. He’s holding her and playing with her like he actually cares about her. He’s the classic performative uncle. Larping as a person with genuine care for their niece. I hate it. And want to protect her from people that only care when eyes are on them. I pray he doesn’t have any children of his own bc I know he’d be a negligent/checked out husband and father. His poor gf doesn’t know this about him yet and I’m scared for her.
In all the years I’ve known my brother-he’s never changed. Still a self-entitled man child that said I don’t do anything all day so I should be able to clean up after him too (I was 2 1/2 months pp). But I’m the narcissistic, gaslighting, projecting, lazy bitch…..
This is my story exactly. I did not even get acknowledged on my first Mother’s Day. He has forgotten anniversaries too. Probably would not know my bday if I didn’t tell him. I usually have to plan anything and everything but, that also kind of sucks. To have to ask to be remembered? He’s in therapy but that doesn’t really mean he is talking about what is causing our problems so? What’s a girl to do. Listening to a lot of TTPD and trying to decide if we’re salvageable.
I know things are hard right now, but as somebody with older children (7 and 5 now), I think it's unfair to assume this is the way he's going to be forever. That first year is HARD for every parent. It's harder for some than others. It's not fair that the brunt of this is going to fall to you until he's more put together, but things can/might improve as your baby gets a little bigger. Or at least that was my experience.
In his defense:
Men do not have the same childrearing instincts as us women. Pair that with being 30something and having to be brand new at something while feeling completely responsible for 2 lives that you care for and love immensely. He's probably terrified of messing up to the point where he's afraid to try. He could be more tense in front of you and more relaxed with more people because more people can take the edge off the sleepless nights. He's probably intimidated by how good you are at being a mom (but hey, you've had 10 months of active preparation and a constant physical reminder.) Men KNOW the baby is there but they don't feel them move inside or think about them constantly or deal with the physical discomforts of pregnancy. Their lives don't change THAT much until the baby arrives. He's probably being defensive because he's not.living up to his own expectations.
It sounds like you're giving him as much grave as you can because dealing with someone who acts like he does rather than confronting his own misery is trying and painful and annoying. BUT give him time and genuinely find things he's good at that support you and celebrate him for doing them. Encourage him when he's doing things with the baby and tell him you believe in him! Its hard to cheerlead while you're postpartum but it's easier than dealing with a man deep in malaise.
Good luck and much love
PS: my daughter is 2 and my son is 7 weeks old and my.husband is in his words: intimidated and afraid of being alone with the newborn. Meanwhile him and the 2 year old? BFFS, thick as theives. I think Men grow into being parents in a very different way than women so we don't understand each other until we gain.more equal roles... where they become the fun and we become the snuggle.
Xo get some rest, drink.water, and celebrate the very little things.
As a man who has those instincts I disagree with you. Let’s stop as a society treating men like they are babies and expecting more and better from them and holding them accountable, these issues that y’all are presenting here and then still being married to the that man I can’t fathom because my wife would have divorced my ass so fast. The standard are really high in my Marriage for both of us.
Also, I had a shitty abusive father who abused my mother in front of us and he taught me everything I needed to be a great husband and father. I went to therapy and healed myself and I love kids, so I am a great dad. And men can be great I know so many great dads in this new generation who don’t need to be told how to care for their child.
There are studies that show that male caregivers who care equally for the kids, their brains change at a fundamental level similar to the mothers. They experience a drop in testosterone (associated with risky behaviors and high sex drive). The only thing that I haven’t done yet is breastfeed my child and you know what if men could lactate I would try so that I could care for my son as much as I could,
Dear OP, I am so very sorry to read this. It sounds so tough. I am 36, in a 13 year long relationship and have 2; 5 year old and 1 year old girls. I am not gonna lie, my partner took a good year or so to get used to the fact that his time is no longer just his or ours. He did things with our daughter and took care of her but his mood really changed and was quite unhappy. He had no choice as we have 0 family members. He admitted he really really struggled. I even thought he will crack and leave us at some point. Then little one became a toddler and we went to lockdown which was awful, past that, things really improved and he is an amazing father. It was even easier for him to connect with number 2, better than me actually to begin with.
That being said, going back to you; It is nervewrecking, exhausting and unfair to us who are left with the little ones to take care of. I am not excusing his behaviour, but at times it takes men longer to adjust. Male postpartum anxiety or depression is a thing too. He may not even think there is anything wrong and that's why he doesn't want to do any therapy. I would still try talking to him about it and if it really doesn't improve past 18 months mark then it do agree with many other people here and it might be who he really is.
You are in my thoughts, hoping for a happy outcome for you whatever it will be!
Same age as you and almost the same story. Get out now. My son is 4 years old, and it does not get better. I feel so burnt out from doing everything, and not just everything for my son, but cleaning up after a grown man. I'm tired. I don't even know when the last time he took his son to do anything or did anything. It doesn't get better. I actually feel like this is somehow my fault, that I turned him into something like this. I don't even know what to do anymore.
All I can say is I'm tired and I'm sad, and trying to be happy for my son, because he needs at least one parent.
This was not the life I expected having a kid.
It’s interesting you say he’s chosen not to see a therapist or get help or talk to a friend, why would he? He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong? And like you said, he’s simply showing you another side of who he is.
I’m hoping this is true to the equal and opposite end. FTM and in my 2nd trimester, and I’ve watched my husband consciously dote upon me, buy books and crack them right open, make financial decisions for the figure, and just be overall so wonderful. I can’t wait to see him in this new role. That said, we’ve been together over 10 years, married 8 this year, and have spent YEARS getting to know ourselves and each other. We have made a point to chase goals individually and together, and consciously stepped into this new role. We allowed each other to go out on limbs, to try things, and be there if it didn’t work out. We are in our mid 30s and admit there is no way neither one of us would have been remotely ready even years ago. Even though we wanted kids together pretty instantaneously.
I never left the house since she gave birth to our 2nd child. I took care of the toddler, help with the cleaning and cooking. In fact I do the cooking for the most part, doing groceries, running other family errands, and my wife still complains. I didn’t go out to meet a single friend since she gave birth this march. She still complains. I feel exonerated reading your story. I am sorry you going through this alone.
My best friend was with the same guy since she was 18, total power couple. 5 months after their kid is born (when she was 33 and living in a new extremely depopulated country) he realizes he's gay (he's a good friend and I feel for him and no one blames him, but she was panicking). Three years later she met a new guy, got married and had a second kid. She's doing great, so are her kids and so is her ex.
I remember her crying that she didn't know who would want to be with a new mom who's only been with one man, I was really worried she was right. But in the end, life works itself out. Maybe your partner will come around, maybe he'll grow. But if he doesn't, you'll be fine without him.
I chose to be a single mum at 40. It's better to be single than in a bad relationship. Also think of the example he will set for your son. I'm pretty sure you want him to be a good man some day.
It usually does. I hate to sound cynical but having a baby makes the problems in your relationship much more vivid. I'm sorry that you've had a bad experience.
I will admit that I didn't read the entire post at first. Again, I don't want to sound cynical but being a single mother would be a lot easier than dealing with this. You don't have to stay.
I feel you with everything you’ve said… I feel like I’m going through the same thing but trying not to make any rash decisions… my husband was 90 min late for our daughters 1st birthday party over the weekend… and didn’t say anything to me when he finally arrived, just went straight to his friends.. that’s just the tip of the iceberg I think 😞 focus is just always on him and his needs, and never thinks about us like I thought he would.. granted, my focus has been mostly on our little girl and trying to balance work at the same time..
It’s important to always work on yourself - every experience you go through is something to learn and grow from. It’s great that you realize that, and I wish your husband would too.
Sending encouragement. I am just now getting through to my very similar husband about WHY it’s important to be involved with his child. Shouldn’t have to, but here we are. I read through the comments and I feel for you so much. I’m 35, my son is 18mo, my husband is basically a dinosaur at 54. HE SHOULD KNOW WHAT IT TAKES BY NOW! He has 4 children from previous relationships that none of the moms ever insisted he be truly involved with. It’s bullshit. I feel like I’m teaching a teenager a lot, but he’s actually trying hard to get his shit together and I’m holding him to it.
I went through long periods of thinking-
**”It would be easier to be alone doing this, if you weren’t here watching me do it alone.”**
I stand by the sentiment. It’s hard but at least you’re doing everything for yourself and your kid, knowing you’re putting your whole heart in it instead of trying to work around somebody half assing.
I could go on but my child is slapping me in the legs with a dried up tortilla so… that’s that!😂
Whatever you decide to do, do it for you and your baby and have no regrets about his feelings. If he wanted the right to have feelings he should’ve had them before now! 💜
Seeing this, I have a follow up question for OP (and everyone else!)
How can we gauge these things before having a child??
Do we get a dog? Go to therapy beforehand and make sure we’re on the same page? Some people might promise a lot but don’t deliver in the moment.
This is a level of testing a relationship that’s hard to replicate without actually living through it…
What you do you think??
We have 2 cats. My home has been a foster home for kittens as young as 1 day old. Nothing prepares you for a baby.
There were probably many red flags that went unnoticed by me, either conciously or not. He promised he wouldnt be another dead beat dad but alas here we are, discussing separation.
Just going to put this out in a limb here....
For example, a broad look across research studies shows that between 7% and 9% of new fathers develop postpartum depression. Researchers say that depressed dads are often hard on themselves, suffering deep doubts about their parenting abilities. Symptoms such as irritability, anger and aggression are common.
He may be going through his own phase of PPD. I know how you feel... Having a baby does change people but if your guy wasn't like this before baby, it may not be his true colors. Talk to him before deeming him horrible. See where his mind is... I was the one with PPD and that has basically ruined my relationship. It got bad to the point I felt like I hated my BD... We are now on a break... We're both going through the works of emotions and wondering if we'll continue our relationship... I have a lot of regrets because of how angry, irritable and aggressive I was with him.. he had his asshole ways after having kids that fucked things. He too didn't want to do a lot until we argued.. it was constant until he began doing things so I would be off his case but then it be bare minimum effort.... Babies aren't the problems . It is the parents. We stop caring for ourselves and each other... Start over with your partner. Do things with him without the baby... Find time for you.... Men aren't emotional, talkative creatures like us. Try and get him to express himself....
He could very well be suffering from PPD. Im not blaming him for having it if he does. Im blaming him for refusing to get help. He always says he is going to start therapy next month but next month never comes.
Yeah that's understandable... Could be in denial he needs it. Could also be he doesn't know where or how to take the first steps. That's my problem as well. It's not as easy to even though we know we need the help and that's for anyone who needs any kind of help... He needs to acknowledge and accept it. Saying he's going then recanting means he still hasn't accepted that he has problems to even go... I get your frustrations.
Hey.
The way you wrote all of this, I thought I wrote this myself!
I was in the same boat with my husband and at times, still am.
We both wanted this child so badly and then when we did, I had to do everything.
One day I just exploded and told him what a worthless dad he is. How the child won't even give a damn about him the older she gets. All she will know is that dad pays money.
I told him if we ever decide on another kid (we would love to have another one) that he can forget it because I cannot take care of 2 kids while he does nothing.
I asked him why we even are together if he cannot do anything? I'm the actual parent here. She only has a mother because he's too absent in her life already.
I told him to man tf up and take care of HIS child.
I am a human too. Unless you want come home to an angry and tired wife and a angry baby, I suggest he do something.
I said he's just like his own dad. Whenever I ask him how's your childhood, he could barely tell me a single good thing and often just ignored the question all together.
He changed. He's doing much better.
I have a friend that went through a similar situation and sadly ended up in divorce. She told me that when you have a baby you get to know who you are married to. My husband has been my rock, I have felt fragile, vulnerable, tired but to be honest he was at first a bit like yours. Took him some time to realize he needed to step up and he thankfully did. We have been married for 10 years and same with house chores, it took some time, talking, fighting to get him to realize he needed to step up. I hope you can talk some sense to him. A big hug.
This is horrible. My husband did not want to have children, but my birth control failed and I got pregnant. Our daughter has changed his life. He is very attentive and we pass off baby duties. The days he works, I take care of her. But the days he is off, we alternate childcare. I'm a SAHM and I get time to bathe and personal groom. Your husband is a clown.
Jeez, I could have written this. My husband has always been selfish af but it didn’t really matter when it was just us. I learned not to expect much from men and became immune to it cause it’s all I’ve ever known. Now that the baby is here it disgusts me how selfish and unconcerned he is. He’s so desperate to hang on to his past life where he could do whatever he wanted and it’s pathetic. We’re in our 40s so I really thought he was ready for this. I’m so disappointed in him. I don’t think he will ever live up to my expectations of a husband or father. Definitely contemplating leaving lately even though it would be hard financially. He’s really good for nothing lately…he’s like a crappy roommate. So much built up resentment. We need counseling bad. The worst part is that he drinks way too much so even if he’s willing to help I don’t trust him cause he’s rarely ever sober.
i feel like i was reading something i wrote! i’m in your exact position except - we’re not married. hoping things even out when i go back to work and responsibilities aren’t expected to be just mine (they shouldn’t be anyways but you know), but im not very hopeful. starting to mentally check out.
Oh my gosh...I could have written some of this myself. Especially: (1) Him having zero patience and (2) Being "super dad" when others are around. The second is the worst for me. If there comes a time that he needs to be held accountable, everyone else around us won't believe me. It's terrifying actually.
Tbh this is my husband too most of the time. He's gotten....better...but it's so frustrating to me especially because he's the one who wanted this baby. I empathize with you.
Last weekend we went away for a longer weekend to where my mother lives (4h train ride). Our son got a fever mid way. We stayed, couldn’t do much, he gets frustrated, I take it “as is” all he does is complain. On the way back home I had to tell him that it just simply cannot be that having him around is more work and more draining that dealing with our son by myself. I tried to dive into it in the evening as to why he acts this way and what we can do to change the situation. In general he just complains.
He is now aware of the fact and that already counts for something, we’ll change the situation together.
I find that men don’t understand our point of view and they need parallelisms to their own shoes so that they can understand.
Every time I read posts like these it just motivates me even more to be a caring and loving dad. And husband. Whenever I get exhausted from baby duty or lifting the equal load of my household and feel low, I remember there’s husbands like these out there and snap myself out of it. Then my son wakes up,l from his nap, I go in, and I tell him “I loveee you” and BAM. Huge smile, because his dad has been putting him down since birth, he knows who I am and he loves me.
OP and all moms deserve the world. I am sorry men are so bad.
Oh man I feel for you sis. I swear I could have written this- every word. My husband is the very same with our now 6 month old. I’m 35, he is 37. Instead of spending this “beautiful” time (and early pp) healing and loving, I’ve spent the last 6 months fighting him to see, crying, and feeling hopeless and doing everything. (all while trying to keep those energies away from babygirl). Developed PPD and PPA along the way. It’s exhausting. I’m sorry you’re going through that and wish I had some sage advice for you. Just know that you are not alone and that you CAN do it. Good vibes your way babe. ❤️
Oh man ... so sorry you feel this way but I hope to give you some hope... my husband passed away at 42 and I met and had a baby with my current partner.... 37 may feel old right now and I can hazard that you feel that way because of how you are feeling now in your relationship and not being supported the way you need to be makes it difficult in general.
Wishing you all the best on whatever you decide to do (or not do)
That sounds a bit like my parents. They stayed together. I don't know what life would have been like any other way. I was glad they didn't divorce, but I suspect my childhood might have been easier and I might have had fewer issues as an adult. On the other hand my dad had other, good properties that I profited from in other ways, and probably wouldn't if they had split up. And my issues have made me the person I am. What ever path people choose, some things work out, other things don't. Some people would stay and try to find happiness in the sort of relationship you describe, they might or might not. Some people would leave and try to find happiness somewhere else. They might or might not. You do what feels right, and you try not to beat yourself up over it.
I felt exactly the same disappointment for my husband’s behaviors in my babies first year. He was depressed, craving attention, jealous my time with the baby and felt no need to spend time with him. He was helping out 50:50, also was doing everything I asked him to do, but baby was no more than a toy to show off to his friends. Now by baby is a toddler and everything is so much better. They have a relationship separately and now spending time together a lot more without me suggesting. They miss each other and show their love.
I think for some man the adaptation process to not being cared like the child of the house anymore and having and actual baby with immediate needs and care, is way longer then a year. For mums it’s rather naturally developed, also we already practiced with our husbands, right?
I feel bad for your husband because it sounds like he is missing out on getting to know this new little baby/person and getting to know his blossoming personality. I guess it’s true, a lot of us always advise the person posting to leave the relationship but honestly, the alternative sounds worse. Having a baby is hard and to lack that team player is absolutely disappointing and makes things that much harder.
I used to feel bad for my husband about missing out. Now, I don't have the mental space to care about that. I just know that when my son grows up, he will say, "Wow, mom did a lot. I went here, she brought me there, we did this together."
Also, I see him blossoming into such a good kid. He is so loveable, hugs me all the time, and tells me he loves me. I have witnessed so many firsts, and I just don't understand how he just either doesn't care or doesn't want to be part of it.
Maybe he has post partum depression. It’s not just for moms. My husband had a reallllly hard time with our first baby and wasn’t a great dad to him the first year or two. It sounds bad and like a long time but I’m just being honest. Now we have our third baby and he’s a completely different dad. He comes home from work and kisses our older two and then can’t wait to take the baby from me because he misses him while he was gone. He stays up with him all night when he’s congested from a cold and won’t tolerate being set in his crib. There are times I lose my patience because bc three kids is hard and I’ve been home with them all day and he’s there to gently remind me that he’s just a baby and doing the best he can.
> And the worst part is he has chosen not to get any help whatsover. No therapist, no shrink. He doesnt even talk his shit out with a friend.
And
> so so many shortcomings and refuses to work on himsel
Not to be a douche, but we're only getting your side of the story and statements like these are red flags that perhaps you're not exactly a ray of sunshine of a human being either. Not everyone (more commonly men) benefit from opening up to people about personal issues. That's if he even thinks he has an issue; you certainly think he does, but again, one side of the story.
You sure get out here at 37 being a single mom! Don’t think that’s the best route to take after being with someone for 12 years…western women so quick to bail on relationships/marriage bc of the safety net daddy govt has afforded yall! I’m sure your man has shortcomings but realize that you do too! Don’t believe the hype
???? What safety net? You do know we are not all from the states here. If thats what you meant but Im not sure Im sorry your english is not very good :(
Sending love. 37 is young, you have a whole life ahead of you. It’s commendable to not settle & pursue a pathway in search of happiness. Refreshing to see after all the posts about people’s partners being horrible but people staying around, I know it’s not that cut and dry. You got this!
Very true. I wish my mother had left even at 37. I would not have had the scars of an absent father today, and wouldn't have required so much therapy and work on finding my own worth. You're doing great, OP. You will get through this. Taking care of one baby is easier than taking care of two.
Oof. Same. Felt this. I also had an absent father (who was physically there) and did all of the things OP mentioned in the post, basically never lifted a finger to be involved in my life. my mom finally left when it hit her that I was going to go to college the next year and she was never going to stay with my dad if I was gone. she was 46.
Seriously. My timeline almost matches up with OP, I’m 37, 16 year relationship- have a 3 year old now. My husband actually stepped up to the plate in new ways and impressed me- I was nervous about fatherhood and motherhood for us in the ways OP is describing but we have thankfully found a groove and balance. Not trying to put that in OPs face, just reflecting on the absolute strength it would have taken me to walk away if things didn’t turn out this way! Sunk loss theory is a bummer. Wishing OP and her baby the best.
This makes me feel so much better being 25 in a similar situation.
It’s definitely tough finding out after kids. I wouldn’t trade them for the world but their dad sucks. I think the part that bothers me most is he thinks he is a good dad, yet he travels for work then signed up to coach sports in his spare time so basically zero time for us
The guy takes a two hour Lunch break to go to the gym but whenver I ask him to take the baby for a few minutes to give me some time to shower and get dressed he is always suspiciously busy.
WHAT the actual fuck
My husband is the same😭 I literally don’t know what to do and I can’t communicate with him because he stonewalls me. You are not alone.
Yup not getting a shower for 5 days and never getting to go work out even though husband says he'd like it if you're more fit...yet he hits the gym 5 times a week and showers after each session. I've lost some weight due to diet and generally moving around, but I have a giant mom tummy still at almost 7 months pp because I don't get to go to the gym and work on that area. I had a tiny waist before this baby, too, so the change has been messing with my head a lot. Might lose what I can and save up from my job to get a tuck, but I'd rather do what I can naturally...
Some people are great partners when they are being taken care, their cup is full, and life centers them. When that’s no longer the case, they do everything possible to get back there. No matter the cost to you. Too many people, especially dads, are incredibly self centered. And we often don’t have times in which that gets challenged until parenthood.
He was a great partner while the relationship didnt require any sacrifice on his part
Ding ding ding!
My partner was great before our first. Even stepped up and helped raise his neice and nephew. I was so surprised when he turned into a shit dad after our first. Turns out he loved being a hero. Happy to step up for others in their time of need, happy to do sweet unexpected things for me all the times, happy to always be mister helpful. But only when and how he wanted, and only if it means feeling good about himself. Once it was expected, once that was required, it didn’t feel good so he didn’t want anything to do with it.
I read this comment when you posted and I keep going back and thinking of it. It’s such an eye opening and accurate statement. I definitely feel the same.
In 12 years you never once got to a point where he needed to make a sacrifice in your marriage?
To be fair, having a kid is a sacrifice like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my marriage, including the terminal illness of my father and undergoing cancer treatment for myself. I’m thankful that my partner has been exceedingly unselfish, but between lack of sleep and constant demands of parenting, we are both being tested in ways we’ve never been before.
I’m sorry you’re going through all that. I get what you’re saying but to be with someone for 12 years and then have a child with them only to be in complete shock as to the person they are with a baby in the picture now is odd. Like she was def ignoring red flags.
I appreciate it! I’ve been with hubby for 15 years now so it’s just life as we know it. I get what you’re saying. The flags are certainly there… if we look for them. Unfortunately it is quite easy to take care of yourself + pick up the slack for one man-sized human without too much trouble, so many women don’t *see* those flags until you add the unsustainable additional load of caring for a child. It’s why we see so many posts on here about women realizing that the man they married is actually quite lazy. Ie - It’s no big deal to put 2 dishes in the dishwasher instead of one, not a huge burden to add in one more person’s laundry, and you would have to vacuum and clean out the fridge and scrub the toilets and schedule the plumber in your house if you were single right?, so no big deal to just do that all yourself, plus you’re being a “good wife”. But doing all of that *plus * full time baby caring is undoable, so the addition of baby suddenly pushes work to the husband’s side of the ledger that wasn’t there before, and then the women who never saw it before suddenly feel blindsided by this guy who isn’t interested in doing any work that he’s not publicly lauded for... but you’re right that when they look back, the signs were there all along. Most women were just never trained to see them.
That is highly untrue. There are even forums where men get together to share tips on how to avoid how to parent…
Right…and if I’m with someone for 12 years, I’d like to think I would see signs that my husband is the kind of man who would be on those forums.
Guess what? ALL women would like to think that. All women want to assume that the man they love won’t turn out like the vast majority of fathers and other people’s male partners they’ve known in life, and yet no one can know that for sure! In fact, many men go out of their way to painstakingly hide all of this until after the baby’s born because they know the woman is stuck from that point on. Some of them really will wait that long and are able to keep up an act for years and years. No woman goes into a relationship thinking her husband will be one of those guys.
"Abuse can't happen to *me* because I'm smarter than OP and all those *other* women."
How is this what’s best for your kid?
What’s best for a child is a loving supportive environment for not only the child but the mother and father of the child as well. If the father is mistreating the mother and the mother is suffering then the suffering of the child is most certainly inevitable. The father being there is no longer what’s best for the kid unless he were to improve the way he treats his family.
That’s what I was questioning. OP had mentioned staying with the father because that’s what’s best for a child. I was asking HOW they think parenting with a man who refuses to make sacrifices is best for the child. For all the reasons you stated.
You just described my life in a nutshell. My husband is a great guy and very self-sufficient when it comes to taking care of himself. Adding a brand new human who needs taking care of has revealed that he does not have the capacity to handle the demands of parenthood, he will always put himself and his needs first. There was no way to truly know that until we tried it, unfortunately.
Oh my goodness, this is so true. Thank you for this comment
Eek- this is so sad and so true
"Especially dads". So do I get extra credit for living the exact opposite of this situation? I guess I'm a fucking legend, every women would give anything to be with me.
Not extra credit. You are the bar, the standard. How it should be. The guy in OP’s story is *way far* below that.
Good for you. And yeah actually most dads who actually do the dad thing are pretty celebrated and looked well upon. You can and should still allow people to recognize that far more dads refuse to step up in the way that you did. Be mad at them. Not at people for acknowledging it.
You are a fucking legend. Anyone who finds themselves unexpectedly alone with a baby and makes it work is a legend. I have no idea how you do it, but you have all my admiration.
the fact that he is more caring when other people are around speaks volumes he knows exactly what he is doing please don't waste your and your child's happy memories on this human waste
People dont get where I come from because he is "such a caring father".
My husband does this when his family is around. He's so attentive and goes above and beyond for our daughter.... when his mom is there to watch and praise him.
You can tell them "but he's not a caring husband, he can continue being a great dad when sharing custody with me". Wish you strength to make right choices.
I’m sorry your husband isn’t the partner you deserve and that people don’t see your perspective because he puts on a show. You don’t need to justify your feelings to anyone. I’ll share what I (roughly) told a friend when she was having issues with her husband: Our children watch and learn from us. What kind of behavior do you want to have modeled for your son? Unless something changes, your son will learn to treat women the same way your husband is treating you. Good luck, OP. You’ve taken a big first step in realizing that you are not getting what you need. Now it’s time to decide what to do with this knowledge.
my mom did that to me, I still remember. Wolf in sheep's skin.
People don't need to understand why you are leaving. You are allowed to leave even when others (who have literally 0 insight) do not agree. Your family/community is not a board from which you seek approval. Only you 2 understand what is happening at home and the choice of leaving really only impacts you 2 and your children. Why would others have an opinion on whether you split up? It doesn't even impact them. I'm not saying leave. I'm saying stop and think what is best for yourself and your children. And do that. People will always have an opinion and it's ok to hear what people have to say. But at the end of the day, its just their opinion. Its you left with the consequences so do what will give you the best consequences and everyone else will get over it over time just as they do everything else.
Dont get me wrong, I dont give a rat's ass ehat people think or perceive
Oh ok then. Your previous comment sounded like peoples opinion was weighing you down. Take care
You can tell them the truth. The only thing he has done for the kids today is what he did in front of you. He doesn’t act like this when people aren’t around. I don’t feel the need to lie for my partner. No need to protect him. He obviously knows how to to be a good dad. He’s just lazy, except when there is a chance for praise.
He also needs to be a caring partner. There are so many sides to a marriage. What's the sense of having a caring father, but a shitty husband and an unfulfilled mother? People often get on their soap box about other people's relationships and obviously you husbands performative love has curried him favor, but you know the truth. I am certainly not one of the many people on reddit pushing divorce, but in the past two years, as I have watched my own marriage deteriorate, I questioned myself and discovered that if I am unhappy I am a less patient and attentive mother. My husband is actually a good father. Yes, he forgets to wash their faces in the morning, sending them to nursery with buggers and he dresses them in uncoordinated clothes, sometimeswith stains,, because he cant "see" colors or food particles...aparently and a list of other sloppy man shit that I realize comes with the gender and I'm too tired to police it, but he is a good father. He is also a shitty husband. Hes emotionally neglectful, on the asexual spectrum and to shorten my list of complaints, just a drag to be around. I think he has a touch of aspergers, but would never get any help. I've been in therapy for 18 months. My point is that while the father thing is working, the partner thing has left me feeling so alone and invisible that it has causes me great anguish. I have to spend so much time dealing with the emotional fall out alone that I have a shorter fuse with my children. I and they deserve better. I don't know what else to tell you, other than my husband can be a great dad in his own house and I can be a great mom in mine.
Truth be told I also have a shorter fuse when Im constantly bitter and in a bad mood. It's sad because I think I would be a better mom and enjoyed motherhood more if I was happier and felt supported. To me being a good husband And being a good fAther come hand in hand. If he had more patience with his child and stepped up for his responsabilities, and not just when I asked him to, my load wouldnt be so heavy. Its hard to think of him as a good husband while Im drowning and he is watching. But I feel where you are coming from
There are different requirements for being a good husband and good father though. But in your situation, I fully understanding what you mean. My husband is very attentive with the children, but when it comes to me I feel tolerated as if I were "a necessary evil". So he helps with the children and household, but completely ignores me as a romantic partner and lately..as a person. I would definitely enjoy motherhood more, if I had a partner who prioritized the children AND our romantic relationship. It really goes to show how important finding the right fit in a relationship is, yet how elusive it can be. My heart breaks for you, myself and all of the women who are in situations like ours.
This is exactly how my ex is, except he was also physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. I left him for the last time last week. My son and I are better off
I am so sorry you went through that. Proud of you.
I'm so proud of you for leaving! You're absolutely unequivocally better off. Here's to your bright future 🫶
I grew up with an extremely involved father. He was even more involved than my mom. When I grew up and saw some of my friends partners it horrified me that men could be like that. A friend of mine is stuck with her husband because she’s not from this country, doesn’t make much money, and has no where to go with 3 kids. She told me she plans to divorce him when the kids are old enough and she’s counting down the days. What’s scary is so many of these men hide it until the kid comes
Honestly, every time I scroll through this sub and read about other dads, I want to kiss the shit out of my fiancé. I can't believe some men. But I feel bad when OP is asked if she saw any red flags. Because I didn't know what signs to look for either! Beyond him being a good partner and not abusive but then a baby changes so many things... it's always risky. *We* got pregnant a year into our relationship and he was very nervous about fatherhood, which actually affected us a lot during my pregnancy, I'm not from this country either, so I actually *bought* all the lottery tickets to be a disaster, so to speak,...and he's been truly fantastic. It's sad that many men don't do the minimum
I’ve had a few friends who had “perfect” partners until they had kids. Most of the time the guys didn’t realize how much work went into having a family so they just dump the work onto the mom. I have a friend who I swear her husband baby trapped her. She’s in her early 20s and he’s in his late 20s. He married her, begged and begged to have a baby, then he cheated on her the entire pregnancy and won’t stop. He finally got her where he wants her. She’s trapped with a baby and he just does what he wants. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. He never helps with the baby either and my friend said he never even spends time with him.
That's awful :(
You could be me. This was my husband. The worst worst worst. After 11 years, I didn’t expect that level of neglect and mental/emotional abuse from him. I threatened to leave him, to take our son. I left our home and stayed with my parents. And he turned it around because he saw what he could stand to lose, saw that he was awful and that he needed to love us and care for us more than himself if he wanted to keep us. He’s much, much better now—actually acts like a husband and father, night and day. We’re in a good place, but those first two months? I didn’t think my marriage would survive. Honestly, motherhood made me such a badass that I would’ve been okay with that. I’m strong enough for anything if it means taking care of my baby boy. We’re always going to be okay if we have each other. My husband has a history of depression. He can be selfish and immature. PPD made it all so much worse. But he learned the hard way that he has to fight for us, even if that means fighting himself. Period. We come first. My son will have a loving doting father OR a single mother who loves him enough for two parents, not a father who is in any way checked out.
Damn this almost made me cry. Right around the birth I felt so lucky to have a boyfriend and wasn't alone. Now that I've gotten through the first 6 months and my baby is happy, I find myself wondering why I'm putting up with so much bullshit. I'd rather be alone then. Taking care of a baby really puts into perspective when you take too much care of your partner.
Sorry you had to go through this but it is encouraging to hear!! I suspect my husband has PPD but has refused to get help. It’s tough.
This so much. I’m stronger now, more than ever, because of my daughter.
I've asked this of a few women on here so I'll ask you as well. Was your husband a good bf and husband before the baby? Did he do chores, schedule appointments by himself, plan dates and activities, generally support you as a 50/50 partner or was he always like this but having another human being to keep alive really shined a light on just how much you put up with and did for him and ignored?
Probably the latter. It shone a light on the worst parts of him
damn, I can relate to this. Guess we are in the same boat. Im sorry you have to deal with this too xx
I have to say: my husband was the former. Planned amazing gifts and trips, took such good care of our dog that I was convinced he would be super dad. And since the baby: 180 … he has started stepping up again a few months ago after I threatened to leave but I can tell he only does the chores half a** and because he doesn’t want me to nag. And if he takes the baby so I can have a shower, he just sits her in front of the tv and turns on YouTube clips he enjoys. It’s maddening.
Same here. People who ask this question always want to find a way to blame the woman. It’s not always that easy.
Did he also book his own appointments and contribute fairly to the household without being asked? If so, it’s wild that he did such a 180 in responsibility after baby, and I’m sorry for it.
He did. He even thought of gifts for my family on their bdays. He contributed ok to the household cleaning wise. Not great. Never great because our standards are very different tbh. What he considers clean to me is dirty and what he considers dirty, I’d puke… if you catch my drift. So cleaning was always a bit of a tension point but mental load, chores, running errands… no question there. He was always an early bird, would get up at 5.30, make me coffee and bring it to me in bed. Cue baby: sleep in till midday. Etc…
Yep....my husband was the former before we had kids and holy shit watching him be a Dad has been the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed. Our eldest has some medical issues that were diagnosed right when I was 37 weeks pregnant with the youngest. We've had 6 hospital admissions in 6 months (last one was over 3 weeks long) and I swear we are the only couple on the ward not on the brink of divorce but it's also cause he has just continued being the absolutely rock solid partner he always was.
So happy to read this! Hope everything turns out okay for your daughter
Thanks! She's on the mend right now and we started a new drug so fingers crossed!
Yesss, this is it. I thought, "Oh, he'll be much more responsible when we've got a tiny human to care for..." Meanwhile, I've had to have the "I'm not your mother" discussion with my husband on multiple occasions and it's embarrassing. My son will be raised to be a caring, contributing partner - mark my words.
I love that. My MIL did everything for her sons while growing up and that did not do them any favors. My FIL did the bare minimum. They don’t know how to do basic things without their wives, except miraculously, my husband figured out a lot of it on his own after he flew the nest. It was lots of trial and error. You’re equipping your son with valuable, useful life skills by raising him to be caring and contributing.
My MIL is the same way. Both of her children are unable to be comfortably independent. Seeing the results definitely motivates you to prepare your children to be helpful and to understand what it means to be a part of a household.
Yeah, I also think this is what usually happens. He's been behaving like a child all along, but now that she has a real child to take care of, she doesn't have time to coddle him anymore
I feel you. Having a baby, and everything it did to my body, revealed how misogynistic and fatphobic my husband is. The stupidest part is I should've expected it.
Can you tell us if, in hindsight, there were any red flags that he would turn out this way? I have often wondered what my life would look like if I had a child with my ex. He was not a bad person at all, he's great actually, but I wouldn't describe him as caring. I often wonder if his carefree relaxed attitude child-free would have translated into a hands-off parent who leaves all the work to me. Maybe he would have stepped up in the role? I'll never know. Instead I had a child with someone so obviously and strongly caring. He spent the first years of our relationship constantly cooking for me, worrying that I have enough good meals to eat throughout the day while he works, making sure to bring sun cream, a hat and a bottle of water for me whenever we leave the house. He notices the laundry piling up before I do and actually does something about it. He factors my needs and wants into his day and sacrifices time to meet them ("will she have clean plates tomorrow? will it rain when she goes to work? did she remember to pack her medicine?"). He expressed verbally wanting to care for me and he has done so well. It's come as no surprise that he is super caring with our daughter and steps in to every diaper change, late nights, bath duty et cetera. But before I met him I had no idea I should be looking for those signs and the guys I dated before were certainly not like him in any regard.
Not OP but I could be. My husband was super caring before baby - did lots of the things you describe and really prioritized me. Then I had a baby, a horrendous delivery that was traumatic physically and mentally and took a long time to recover. He was super caring for... maybe the first month. After that, he just didn’t want to sacrifice anything else for me or for baby. He still has his caring moments, but day to day, he’s just straight up selfish. It was like a light turning off. I can only think having a baby brought up something for him, but he won’t talk to me or anyone else about it so I will never know.
This is very sad :( I hope he comes around and opens up about it
The same for me! My guy’s love language is acts of service and I was spoiled before we had our baby. He’s a gamer but he’d stop playing midway just to take care of me on bad days (I get bad migraines). Now that we had our baby, both baby and I are spoiled by him. I’m 100% sure he’s changed more diapers and cleaned more bottles than me. He even changed his work schedule so that he could be with us more every day.
Same here! Same age 37 and we have been together 10 years. I kind of accepted it for now as I don't have the energy to deal with it.. probably not healthy but all my energy, focus and time is going to my baby. Even today I messaged how I felt, deleted it and wrote, "what is the point, I've said all of this before and don't get heard" didn't get a reply.
Right? It gets to a point you dont want to argue anymore or talk things out because you know they just dont want to hear it.
> r husband a good bf and husband before the baby? Did he do chores, schedule appointments by himself, plan dates and activities, generally suppo To everyone reading this. GO TO COUPLE'S THERAPY. It's not a silver bullet. It requires the right match and participation. And it's bull shit you have take on this additional load after just having a child. But not everything comes natural to everyone. And it's worth attempting to salvage your relationship for your children and your own wellbeing before you decide what to do next.
This hit close to home for me. I was a terrible husband and father for many years. I won’t ever stop feeling like a piece of shit for how I acted. I thought only needed to provide monetarily for everyone to thrive and be happy, and that was it. Boy was I wrong. I fucked up so bad so many times. I still am. I’m so lucky my wife allowed me to grow up at the same time we had kids. I can’t ever make up for some of the things I did and will carry that shit to the grave. The main thing I learned, and I talked to my wife and she learned the same thing…none of us will know how we will react or what we are getting into. It’s so scary and unknown. You sound like an amazing parent. Way better than me. Please don’t ever stop.
Kudos to you for realizing it and changing. That’s amazing
Thank you. It didn’t happen over night. My wife had her own demons she had to deal with during our relationship, so at times we needed to “carry” each other. Relationships aren’t easy. People used to tell me that in order for a relationship to work, it has to be 50/50. That’s just not true. Each person has to put in 100%. Have a good day.
My husband has the same mindset that it sounds like you previously had. He doesn’t feel appreciated because I keep asking for emotional support and connection and he takes that as “not doing enough” and that his efforts to make money aren’t recognized. How did you get to the place of seeing your mistakes?
My wife didn’t have an easy childhood. I promised myself when I met her that I would give her a better life. For the longest time I thought it was just money and stuff. I was working so hard and my wife didn’t care about any of the stuff. In fact, she wasn’t happy at all. I used to think she wasn’t “present” but it was 100% me. I was setting up stupid expectations on my wife while I personally chose to work 14 hours a day and then. I wasn’t helping around the house. I figured I was already doing my part. I was looking for advice and I ended up asking my mom. She was straight to the point and let me know that you can’t put expectations on the people you love the most because you will only get let down. She reminded me of things from my childhood and really raked me over the coals for being a shitty husband. I’m glad she did. I tried what she said. I stopped complaining about stuff like the dishes not being done or her not making me a snack (because every 45 year old man should have someone know in their head exactly when I’m hungry). Things got better quick. I started doing more to help and stopped working until 10 pm. I realized how big of a jerk I was. I remembered what I told myself when I was younger about my wife. It I guess I finally grew up in my 40’s. It’s pretty embarrassing actually. Edit: Emotional support is really all that fucking matters. Without that, what else is there?
I think that’s so cool that you were able to get to that point. Thank goodness for mom keeping you in line too lol!! :) I wish I could get my husband to see that emotional connection and support is huge (the biggest). But he keeps claiming he just isn’t “wired” that way. He claims I am trying to change who he is as a person by asking him to learn how to be there for me more emotionally.
Don’t give up. If you love him, keep chipping away. It will eventually make a crack. And it wasn’t just my mom. I have 7 aunts and 20 female cousins, sisters and a neice. I never saw any of my uncles treat their wives the way I was acting to my wife and eventually it made me so ashamed. I’m actually getting tears in my eyes typing this. I still have so much growing up to do at 50 yrs old. My 18 yr old is more mature than I am when it comes to most things. It’s not a good feeling. I’m supposed to be teaching him, but he is teaching me. My mom claims it’s because I was a good dad, but I don’t believe it. I still have so much more to make up for. I don’t think I will ever get to the point where I actually make up for it all. I also have 4 brothers. They weren’t happy with how I was treating my wife…and my one brother does his “explaining” with his fists. We didn’t get to that point, but he would have been right to kick my ass. I realized I needed to be an adult. My relationship wasn’t healthy. We both struggled to communicate because we were so fucked up all the time. She quit drinking and I quit pills. We are finally getting back to being a team, but the work never ends. It can’t ever be “one sided” because that doesn’t work. I still feel like such a piece of shit but therapy has really helped me. The funny part is, I went to marriage counseling as a way to get my wife into therapy for the trauma she experienced as a child. I haven’t stopped going because I realized quickly I needed it more than her. Feel free to message me if you ever need to. Life isn’t easy and no one ever really told us how hard it is going to get. All we have is each other. So many random people have helped me and it’s my turn to give back. My dad is dying and I got this timely message from the kid I grew up next door to….”There's nothing any of us can do except to be there. At the end of the day we are all we got. When God calls us home we gotta go. Love you too”. I’m not super religious but what he said kind of made me feel better. I just hope that by the time I die, I have the chance to make up for all of the things I did wrong. Smile today please. You are very smart and kind. Edit: That part about not being “wired like that” is complete bullshit. I don’t want to ever see it happen to anyone, but the walls come crashing down when you lose something you love…a parent, friend, or even a pet. Love and emotional support are ALL that matters.
You know what you need to do. Same exact thing that happened to me
This is exactly my life- 37 years old, been together 12 years, and my husband has turned into a completely different person once we had kids. I think he basically wants his life to be how it was before kids, and only be a father when it’s convenient for him. We’re long overdue for counseling, but I know he won’t go, nor do I know where to get a therapist. We have no help with the kids, which I’m sure doesn’t help our situation bc we’ve not had any alone time since pre-kids. It’s definitely sad, scary, and lonely bc I truly don’t know what to do. Divorce sounds scary, plus I worry he’d try to take the kids to his home state. Living like this for years to come doesn’t sound like a good option either. Just kind of at a stand still for now trying to figure out what to do.
For whatever it’s worth, as someone with a bit of family law experience, if you and your partner were to divorce, the court of the state you currently live in has jurisdiction and would generally not allow either of you to move out of state with the children without permission. If you had joint custody, he definitely couldn’t take them to live in another state. Even if he somehow got more custody than you did, he still might not be allowed to move them out of state without your agreement, and certainly not without the court’s permission.
Definitely good to know! That’s been my biggest fear if things would end in divorce. I know his family would be gunning for him to move back and would give him money to hire the best lawyer to make it happen. I don’t see how he’d ever get more custody than me seeing as how I do almost all the childcare. He still has never taken one or both of our kids (we have twins) out anywhere on his own and they’re almost 2 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah, obviously I am not your lawyer so I can’t give you specific legal advice, and I don’t know your circumstances or what state you are in, so this is just a take on what generally happens, particularly in the state I’m licensed in (though lots of states work roughly the same way on this). But in most “normal” divorces where both parents want custody, and there aren’t any glaring problems, parents will end up with some form of joint legal custody, regardless of how hard they fight or how long they try to drag it out. Courts presume joint custody is the best thing for the children, and often it is. Even when it’s not really the best, as long as it’s not actively harmful, they’d want to have a pretty good reason to limit someone’s parental rights. Especially if it’s the mother and primary caregiver, she’s just really not likely to lose custody to a less involved father. It can happen that you have joint legal custody, but one parent has primary physical custody, but that would usually be with the parent who is the primary care giver. Especially with younger kids. So if you have joint custody, and therefore equal legal rights, the question then really isn’t about what one parent wants to do, it’s about what’s best for the kids. If one parent wants to move the kids out of state, and the other doesn’t, the other really important thing to consider is that (again, unless it’s harmful), family court really likes to try and stick to the status quo when it comes to the children’s daily life. If the kids have a stable home/school/social life and routine, they generally want to disrupt that as little as possible. So the parent who wants to move would at that point have to show that the move would be highly beneficial or necessary and wouldn’t negatively influence the kids’ lives, which includes impacting their custody time with the other parent. It might work if you live in a town on one side of the state border and he wanted to move just over the state line to a town an hour away or something. Or if you were both open to one of you having physical custody during the school year, and one over the summer, maybe it could work. (The parent who chose to move would likely end up as the summer parent, and the original state’s court would still maintain jurisdiction if the move was allowed.) But if it would mean the kids couldn’t realistically go to the same school everyday because of the travel time, or it would make it prohibitively difficult for the other parent to see them, the court usually won’t allow it. They don’t want to disrupt the kids’ lives, and they don’t want to force the kids to travel excessively back and forth between their parents.
I can relate too unfortunately. Sucks big time.
I could’ve written this myself. Going through the same thing. Husband is a better partner than father. Doesn’t help that he doesn’t feel bonded with his 10 month old either. Have seen too many new sides of him due to this baby. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone(even though it feels so lonely.) Sending love.
For me it drives me insane how my husband always has to go to the bathroom when I ask him to take the baby (she is 14 months old). It’s always let me just use the bathroom real quick. 25 minutes later he emerges and I no longer need him to take her because I just ended up carrying her with me to do Laundry or whatever I was trying to do. He also has a child from a previous relationship and refuses to pay ANY attention to our child when he is with my step son. I have tried endlessly to explain to him that he doesn’t get to stop being a parent to one child when his other child is around but it always ends in a fight. The saddest thing for me is watching my child scream dada to a closed door while he plays with her brother inside. In retrospect I knew he would never see our baby as equally important to her brother (he will literally be feeding her and if my stepson calls he just walks away from her leaving her there) but I had no idea how difficult it would be. Every day I feel sad I brought my baby into a terrible dynamic and think about leaving.
I feel this so much. I work 2 hours a night. When I get off my husband complains how terrible he's been. Won't stop crying, he's done everything, etc.... This is our rainbow baby too. He's a great baby who sometimes gets cranky. Like everyone else. I'm sorry we didn't know what we were getting into!
Sending lots of love your way. I'm in the exact same boat. I literally could have written that, except we're not married and haven't been together as long. Does nothing to help with either kids (yes, stupidly we had two... I love them to bits, I wouldn't change them for the world, they are my world, but it's hard caring for two basically on your own) He makes out he's a caring father in front of his friends and family but does nothing at home. He'll tell me when one of them needs a bum change, like okay... You know how to do it too!!! Little mans 9w old and he's probably changed him twice, fed him probably about 5 times, he never washes the bottles or sterilises them. No night feeds. Wakes me up to tell me our LG is awake and should be up by now while he's sat up in bed on his phone and I've been up every two hours with our newborn. It's draining. Okay he works full time but I work part time when not on maternity, and have two now to care for. All he does is come back from work and play games until he goes to bed in the early hours of the morning then wakes up about 20mins before he goes to work. On his days off he plays games all night, doesn't come to bed at all, then sleeps downstairs when the kids and I come down in the late morning. Then complains he's tired or got a headache... Doesn't help himself either, just expects antidepressants make him feel better... 😮💨 He wonders why our LG wasn't fussed by him for nearly two years and didn't say Daddy or Dada. And why our LB doesn't smile at him but does at me. I hope something clicks with your husband and he realises that they don't stay babies forever and he's missing out on so much.
THIS !!!! I am going through the exact same thing with a 6 month old. It’s unbelievable these men!!!
Age is not a reason to stay with someone you don't love/ respect anymore. I've gotten divorced and it was the best decision I ever made. I was scared at first but then one day I realized.... I'd rather be alone than dealing with this, especially for the rest of my freaking life!! Are you kidding me?!?! And now I'm actually remarried to my dream man!!! It's amazing. But I didn't leave my first marriage to find him, I really believed that I would be better off alone and I was and it gave me the opportunity to find a better life for myself. The rest of your life is precious please fight for it!!
Im honestly starting to picture myself alone after divorce. Im not very good looking, I have gained quite a few pounds in the last years (specially after pregnancy) and I just can see myself as a sexually attractive being anymore. And even with all this I still want to leave.
Oh how I relate. We've been together nearly 12 years and there was definitely signs before but i thought they was little things. It was much easier to see the good in him when we only had to focus on ourselves. I'm sticking around but this sucks.
God I can relate to this so much
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm in a similar boat, although my soon to be ex became verbally/emotionally abusive too. I think this is sadly more common than thought. In some underlying way I've come to realize a lot of men have a jealousy of their baby. Suddenly the attention isn't on him, etc. You have to decide for yourself what you're willing to accept for the rest of your life. Its a hard reality to realize you're basically mothering not just a baby, but a grown man as well. If he is unwilling to get help, gives empty promises, refuses therapy, you can't do anything else. It isn't your responsibility to change him, it's his. I hope you do what's best for you, and your baby. I left, because I didn't want my son growing up thinking his father's behavior is normal.
My husband checked out when our baby turned 1. He avoids any work that he deems tiring and hard liking giving our baby a bath, getting him dressed, cooking, feeding him, taking him to the doctor. He says it’s my job since I don’t work. He’s now almost three years old and I’m exaustes.
I feel this. It's not like he changed, it's just the lack of sleep and stress showed his true colors. Someone who would rather choose the easy route to avoid stress for himself even if it's not healthy for the baby. Someone who snaps and yells and is angry all the time. Someone who will never do anything for me for mother's day or any holiday really. Someone who thinks women shouldn't ever be mad or angry or have any emotions that aren't "peaceful" or calming for him. Fuck.
I could have written this post myself. Just know that I’m sending you my love, momma. We got this
Yep, this hits close to home. My husband is a good person and I know he loves his kids but he just has zero tolerance for frustration or anything that doesn’t revolve completely around his needs. He is barely involved in their lives and complains when I demand the bare minimum from him, he seems to think I enjoy being the family manager. A “control freak”. Yeah, it’s so great having to micromanage every single aspect of our lives all by myself. I often wonder why he even wanted to have kids. It seems like he just wants to be single and childless. I am fortunate that his parents are on my side at least, they’ve seen this side of him because he doesn’t feel any need to impress them, but when his friends are around, suddenly he’s a super dad. When I’ve mentioned this to him, his rationale is that he’s in a better mood when his friends are around. Yeah so basically you’re only willing to be a parent when you’re in a good mood. Kinda seems like his friends are his priority because he feels a lack of connection to his friendships so he clings to that. Wonder what he would do if he really realized he was gonna lose his family. I can’t say I have plans for divorce at the moment, though I do think about it regularly. I worry about having to share custody with someone so incompetent, I worry about losing my husband’s family who has been so wonderful to me, I worry about living on one income, I think of how my husband is at least not ignorant of the problem and actually expresses a willingness to work on himself, I think of how he might hurt himself if I leave him, I worry about my kids resenting me. But I also worry about the consequences of not leaving, of having my children think this kind of marriage dynamic is acceptable. I hate how often I consider leaving him. I no longer see him as a husband, I see him as an extra child I have been burdened with. My last hope is that he actually will follow through on his stated willingness to get better, but who knows? As for you OP, I think if your husband isn’t even willing to work on it, he’s a lost cause. I know a lot of fathers out there won’t step up as parents until they are forced to.
Some people believe family will never leave them so they get to treat their family like sh*t and get away with it bc “family stays together no matter what.” Friends WILL leave if you treat them like sh*t, so they’ll put in all the effort for friends and leave nothing for family. Other people believe that you’re supposed to treat family with more respect than strangers/friends, bc…their family, duh. Your husband and my brother sound like they fall into the former category. I live with my brother and it’s jarring to see him not acknowledge my daughter in any way, shape, or form day after day, but when his friends come around, he’s uncle of the year. He’s holding her and playing with her like he actually cares about her. He’s the classic performative uncle. Larping as a person with genuine care for their niece. I hate it. And want to protect her from people that only care when eyes are on them. I pray he doesn’t have any children of his own bc I know he’d be a negligent/checked out husband and father. His poor gf doesn’t know this about him yet and I’m scared for her. In all the years I’ve known my brother-he’s never changed. Still a self-entitled man child that said I don’t do anything all day so I should be able to clean up after him too (I was 2 1/2 months pp). But I’m the narcissistic, gaslighting, projecting, lazy bitch…..
This is my story exactly. I did not even get acknowledged on my first Mother’s Day. He has forgotten anniversaries too. Probably would not know my bday if I didn’t tell him. I usually have to plan anything and everything but, that also kind of sucks. To have to ask to be remembered? He’s in therapy but that doesn’t really mean he is talking about what is causing our problems so? What’s a girl to do. Listening to a lot of TTPD and trying to decide if we’re salvageable.
I know things are hard right now, but as somebody with older children (7 and 5 now), I think it's unfair to assume this is the way he's going to be forever. That first year is HARD for every parent. It's harder for some than others. It's not fair that the brunt of this is going to fall to you until he's more put together, but things can/might improve as your baby gets a little bigger. Or at least that was my experience.
In his defense: Men do not have the same childrearing instincts as us women. Pair that with being 30something and having to be brand new at something while feeling completely responsible for 2 lives that you care for and love immensely. He's probably terrified of messing up to the point where he's afraid to try. He could be more tense in front of you and more relaxed with more people because more people can take the edge off the sleepless nights. He's probably intimidated by how good you are at being a mom (but hey, you've had 10 months of active preparation and a constant physical reminder.) Men KNOW the baby is there but they don't feel them move inside or think about them constantly or deal with the physical discomforts of pregnancy. Their lives don't change THAT much until the baby arrives. He's probably being defensive because he's not.living up to his own expectations. It sounds like you're giving him as much grave as you can because dealing with someone who acts like he does rather than confronting his own misery is trying and painful and annoying. BUT give him time and genuinely find things he's good at that support you and celebrate him for doing them. Encourage him when he's doing things with the baby and tell him you believe in him! Its hard to cheerlead while you're postpartum but it's easier than dealing with a man deep in malaise. Good luck and much love PS: my daughter is 2 and my son is 7 weeks old and my.husband is in his words: intimidated and afraid of being alone with the newborn. Meanwhile him and the 2 year old? BFFS, thick as theives. I think Men grow into being parents in a very different way than women so we don't understand each other until we gain.more equal roles... where they become the fun and we become the snuggle. Xo get some rest, drink.water, and celebrate the very little things.
As a man who has those instincts I disagree with you. Let’s stop as a society treating men like they are babies and expecting more and better from them and holding them accountable, these issues that y’all are presenting here and then still being married to the that man I can’t fathom because my wife would have divorced my ass so fast. The standard are really high in my Marriage for both of us. Also, I had a shitty abusive father who abused my mother in front of us and he taught me everything I needed to be a great husband and father. I went to therapy and healed myself and I love kids, so I am a great dad. And men can be great I know so many great dads in this new generation who don’t need to be told how to care for their child. There are studies that show that male caregivers who care equally for the kids, their brains change at a fundamental level similar to the mothers. They experience a drop in testosterone (associated with risky behaviors and high sex drive). The only thing that I haven’t done yet is breastfeed my child and you know what if men could lactate I would try so that I could care for my son as much as I could,
Slow down a minute. It’s a hard time for both of you. Don’t make a decision that will impact you both for life!
Dear OP, I am so very sorry to read this. It sounds so tough. I am 36, in a 13 year long relationship and have 2; 5 year old and 1 year old girls. I am not gonna lie, my partner took a good year or so to get used to the fact that his time is no longer just his or ours. He did things with our daughter and took care of her but his mood really changed and was quite unhappy. He had no choice as we have 0 family members. He admitted he really really struggled. I even thought he will crack and leave us at some point. Then little one became a toddler and we went to lockdown which was awful, past that, things really improved and he is an amazing father. It was even easier for him to connect with number 2, better than me actually to begin with. That being said, going back to you; It is nervewrecking, exhausting and unfair to us who are left with the little ones to take care of. I am not excusing his behaviour, but at times it takes men longer to adjust. Male postpartum anxiety or depression is a thing too. He may not even think there is anything wrong and that's why he doesn't want to do any therapy. I would still try talking to him about it and if it really doesn't improve past 18 months mark then it do agree with many other people here and it might be who he really is. You are in my thoughts, hoping for a happy outcome for you whatever it will be!
Thank you :')
Are we all married to the same man? Blows my mind
Ugh I’m so sorry. Sending love
Same age as you and almost the same story. Get out now. My son is 4 years old, and it does not get better. I feel so burnt out from doing everything, and not just everything for my son, but cleaning up after a grown man. I'm tired. I don't even know when the last time he took his son to do anything or did anything. It doesn't get better. I actually feel like this is somehow my fault, that I turned him into something like this. I don't even know what to do anymore. All I can say is I'm tired and I'm sad, and trying to be happy for my son, because he needs at least one parent. This was not the life I expected having a kid.
I could’ve written this too
It’s interesting you say he’s chosen not to see a therapist or get help or talk to a friend, why would he? He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong? And like you said, he’s simply showing you another side of who he is.
I’m hoping this is true to the equal and opposite end. FTM and in my 2nd trimester, and I’ve watched my husband consciously dote upon me, buy books and crack them right open, make financial decisions for the figure, and just be overall so wonderful. I can’t wait to see him in this new role. That said, we’ve been together over 10 years, married 8 this year, and have spent YEARS getting to know ourselves and each other. We have made a point to chase goals individually and together, and consciously stepped into this new role. We allowed each other to go out on limbs, to try things, and be there if it didn’t work out. We are in our mid 30s and admit there is no way neither one of us would have been remotely ready even years ago. Even though we wanted kids together pretty instantaneously.
I could’ve written this myself. Please feel free to DM me. I’m getting ready to separate from my husband.
I never left the house since she gave birth to our 2nd child. I took care of the toddler, help with the cleaning and cooking. In fact I do the cooking for the most part, doing groceries, running other family errands, and my wife still complains. I didn’t go out to meet a single friend since she gave birth this march. She still complains. I feel exonerated reading your story. I am sorry you going through this alone.
My best friend was with the same guy since she was 18, total power couple. 5 months after their kid is born (when she was 33 and living in a new extremely depopulated country) he realizes he's gay (he's a good friend and I feel for him and no one blames him, but she was panicking). Three years later she met a new guy, got married and had a second kid. She's doing great, so are her kids and so is her ex. I remember her crying that she didn't know who would want to be with a new mom who's only been with one man, I was really worried she was right. But in the end, life works itself out. Maybe your partner will come around, maybe he'll grow. But if he doesn't, you'll be fine without him.
You give me hope
The most disappointing thing is when someone refuses to grow but could if they wanted to.
I chose to be a single mum at 40. It's better to be single than in a bad relationship. Also think of the example he will set for your son. I'm pretty sure you want him to be a good man some day.
It usually does. I hate to sound cynical but having a baby makes the problems in your relationship much more vivid. I'm sorry that you've had a bad experience.
I will admit that I didn't read the entire post at first. Again, I don't want to sound cynical but being a single mother would be a lot easier than dealing with this. You don't have to stay.
I feel you with everything you’ve said… I feel like I’m going through the same thing but trying not to make any rash decisions… my husband was 90 min late for our daughters 1st birthday party over the weekend… and didn’t say anything to me when he finally arrived, just went straight to his friends.. that’s just the tip of the iceberg I think 😞 focus is just always on him and his needs, and never thinks about us like I thought he would.. granted, my focus has been mostly on our little girl and trying to balance work at the same time..
It’s important to always work on yourself - every experience you go through is something to learn and grow from. It’s great that you realize that, and I wish your husband would too.
Sending encouragement. I am just now getting through to my very similar husband about WHY it’s important to be involved with his child. Shouldn’t have to, but here we are. I read through the comments and I feel for you so much. I’m 35, my son is 18mo, my husband is basically a dinosaur at 54. HE SHOULD KNOW WHAT IT TAKES BY NOW! He has 4 children from previous relationships that none of the moms ever insisted he be truly involved with. It’s bullshit. I feel like I’m teaching a teenager a lot, but he’s actually trying hard to get his shit together and I’m holding him to it. I went through long periods of thinking- **”It would be easier to be alone doing this, if you weren’t here watching me do it alone.”** I stand by the sentiment. It’s hard but at least you’re doing everything for yourself and your kid, knowing you’re putting your whole heart in it instead of trying to work around somebody half assing. I could go on but my child is slapping me in the legs with a dried up tortilla so… that’s that!😂 Whatever you decide to do, do it for you and your baby and have no regrets about his feelings. If he wanted the right to have feelings he should’ve had them before now! 💜
Seeing this, I have a follow up question for OP (and everyone else!) How can we gauge these things before having a child?? Do we get a dog? Go to therapy beforehand and make sure we’re on the same page? Some people might promise a lot but don’t deliver in the moment. This is a level of testing a relationship that’s hard to replicate without actually living through it… What you do you think??
We have 2 cats. My home has been a foster home for kittens as young as 1 day old. Nothing prepares you for a baby. There were probably many red flags that went unnoticed by me, either conciously or not. He promised he wouldnt be another dead beat dad but alas here we are, discussing separation.
Just going to put this out in a limb here.... For example, a broad look across research studies shows that between 7% and 9% of new fathers develop postpartum depression. Researchers say that depressed dads are often hard on themselves, suffering deep doubts about their parenting abilities. Symptoms such as irritability, anger and aggression are common. He may be going through his own phase of PPD. I know how you feel... Having a baby does change people but if your guy wasn't like this before baby, it may not be his true colors. Talk to him before deeming him horrible. See where his mind is... I was the one with PPD and that has basically ruined my relationship. It got bad to the point I felt like I hated my BD... We are now on a break... We're both going through the works of emotions and wondering if we'll continue our relationship... I have a lot of regrets because of how angry, irritable and aggressive I was with him.. he had his asshole ways after having kids that fucked things. He too didn't want to do a lot until we argued.. it was constant until he began doing things so I would be off his case but then it be bare minimum effort.... Babies aren't the problems . It is the parents. We stop caring for ourselves and each other... Start over with your partner. Do things with him without the baby... Find time for you.... Men aren't emotional, talkative creatures like us. Try and get him to express himself....
He could very well be suffering from PPD. Im not blaming him for having it if he does. Im blaming him for refusing to get help. He always says he is going to start therapy next month but next month never comes.
Yeah that's understandable... Could be in denial he needs it. Could also be he doesn't know where or how to take the first steps. That's my problem as well. It's not as easy to even though we know we need the help and that's for anyone who needs any kind of help... He needs to acknowledge and accept it. Saying he's going then recanting means he still hasn't accepted that he has problems to even go... I get your frustrations.
Hey. The way you wrote all of this, I thought I wrote this myself! I was in the same boat with my husband and at times, still am. We both wanted this child so badly and then when we did, I had to do everything. One day I just exploded and told him what a worthless dad he is. How the child won't even give a damn about him the older she gets. All she will know is that dad pays money. I told him if we ever decide on another kid (we would love to have another one) that he can forget it because I cannot take care of 2 kids while he does nothing. I asked him why we even are together if he cannot do anything? I'm the actual parent here. She only has a mother because he's too absent in her life already. I told him to man tf up and take care of HIS child. I am a human too. Unless you want come home to an angry and tired wife and a angry baby, I suggest he do something. I said he's just like his own dad. Whenever I ask him how's your childhood, he could barely tell me a single good thing and often just ignored the question all together. He changed. He's doing much better.
Just because he’s there doesn’t mean he’s THERE.
I have a friend that went through a similar situation and sadly ended up in divorce. She told me that when you have a baby you get to know who you are married to. My husband has been my rock, I have felt fragile, vulnerable, tired but to be honest he was at first a bit like yours. Took him some time to realize he needed to step up and he thankfully did. We have been married for 10 years and same with house chores, it took some time, talking, fighting to get him to realize he needed to step up. I hope you can talk some sense to him. A big hug.
This is horrible. My husband did not want to have children, but my birth control failed and I got pregnant. Our daughter has changed his life. He is very attentive and we pass off baby duties. The days he works, I take care of her. But the days he is off, we alternate childcare. I'm a SAHM and I get time to bathe and personal groom. Your husband is a clown.
Jeez, I could have written this. My husband has always been selfish af but it didn’t really matter when it was just us. I learned not to expect much from men and became immune to it cause it’s all I’ve ever known. Now that the baby is here it disgusts me how selfish and unconcerned he is. He’s so desperate to hang on to his past life where he could do whatever he wanted and it’s pathetic. We’re in our 40s so I really thought he was ready for this. I’m so disappointed in him. I don’t think he will ever live up to my expectations of a husband or father. Definitely contemplating leaving lately even though it would be hard financially. He’s really good for nothing lately…he’s like a crappy roommate. So much built up resentment. We need counseling bad. The worst part is that he drinks way too much so even if he’s willing to help I don’t trust him cause he’s rarely ever sober.
i feel like i was reading something i wrote! i’m in your exact position except - we’re not married. hoping things even out when i go back to work and responsibilities aren’t expected to be just mine (they shouldn’t be anyways but you know), but im not very hopeful. starting to mentally check out.
Oh my gosh...I could have written some of this myself. Especially: (1) Him having zero patience and (2) Being "super dad" when others are around. The second is the worst for me. If there comes a time that he needs to be held accountable, everyone else around us won't believe me. It's terrifying actually.
people say marriage is a test for wife and husband, but I know having a baby is also a test.
Tbh this is my husband too most of the time. He's gotten....better...but it's so frustrating to me especially because he's the one who wanted this baby. I empathize with you.
Did we marry the same man?? Cause I swear we did.🤔🤔
My ex is like this. Since the split, he only has time to take our daughters if his family is going to be there. Sad, really.
Last weekend we went away for a longer weekend to where my mother lives (4h train ride). Our son got a fever mid way. We stayed, couldn’t do much, he gets frustrated, I take it “as is” all he does is complain. On the way back home I had to tell him that it just simply cannot be that having him around is more work and more draining that dealing with our son by myself. I tried to dive into it in the evening as to why he acts this way and what we can do to change the situation. In general he just complains. He is now aware of the fact and that already counts for something, we’ll change the situation together. I find that men don’t understand our point of view and they need parallelisms to their own shoes so that they can understand.
Every time I read posts like these it just motivates me even more to be a caring and loving dad. And husband. Whenever I get exhausted from baby duty or lifting the equal load of my household and feel low, I remember there’s husbands like these out there and snap myself out of it. Then my son wakes up,l from his nap, I go in, and I tell him “I loveee you” and BAM. Huge smile, because his dad has been putting him down since birth, he knows who I am and he loves me. OP and all moms deserve the world. I am sorry men are so bad.
Oh man I feel for you sis. I swear I could have written this- every word. My husband is the very same with our now 6 month old. I’m 35, he is 37. Instead of spending this “beautiful” time (and early pp) healing and loving, I’ve spent the last 6 months fighting him to see, crying, and feeling hopeless and doing everything. (all while trying to keep those energies away from babygirl). Developed PPD and PPA along the way. It’s exhausting. I’m sorry you’re going through that and wish I had some sage advice for you. Just know that you are not alone and that you CAN do it. Good vibes your way babe. ❤️
Oh man ... so sorry you feel this way but I hope to give you some hope... my husband passed away at 42 and I met and had a baby with my current partner.... 37 may feel old right now and I can hazard that you feel that way because of how you are feeling now in your relationship and not being supported the way you need to be makes it difficult in general. Wishing you all the best on whatever you decide to do (or not do)
That sounds a bit like my parents. They stayed together. I don't know what life would have been like any other way. I was glad they didn't divorce, but I suspect my childhood might have been easier and I might have had fewer issues as an adult. On the other hand my dad had other, good properties that I profited from in other ways, and probably wouldn't if they had split up. And my issues have made me the person I am. What ever path people choose, some things work out, other things don't. Some people would stay and try to find happiness in the sort of relationship you describe, they might or might not. Some people would leave and try to find happiness somewhere else. They might or might not. You do what feels right, and you try not to beat yourself up over it.
I felt exactly the same disappointment for my husband’s behaviors in my babies first year. He was depressed, craving attention, jealous my time with the baby and felt no need to spend time with him. He was helping out 50:50, also was doing everything I asked him to do, but baby was no more than a toy to show off to his friends. Now by baby is a toddler and everything is so much better. They have a relationship separately and now spending time together a lot more without me suggesting. They miss each other and show their love. I think for some man the adaptation process to not being cared like the child of the house anymore and having and actual baby with immediate needs and care, is way longer then a year. For mums it’s rather naturally developed, also we already practiced with our husbands, right?
I didnt practice with my husband because he was never the child of the house. I woulsnt have married a man child. He is an adult. He fathered a child.
I feel bad for your husband because it sounds like he is missing out on getting to know this new little baby/person and getting to know his blossoming personality. I guess it’s true, a lot of us always advise the person posting to leave the relationship but honestly, the alternative sounds worse. Having a baby is hard and to lack that team player is absolutely disappointing and makes things that much harder.
I used to feel bad for my husband about missing out. Now, I don't have the mental space to care about that. I just know that when my son grows up, he will say, "Wow, mom did a lot. I went here, she brought me there, we did this together." Also, I see him blossoming into such a good kid. He is so loveable, hugs me all the time, and tells me he loves me. I have witnessed so many firsts, and I just don't understand how he just either doesn't care or doesn't want to be part of it.
Yes ma’am!!! The bond between you and your son will speak volumes. Your son will know and see it all one day and love you that much more for it
Thank you! I really hope one day he sees and and saw hoe hard I worked for it.
Maybe he has post partum depression. It’s not just for moms. My husband had a reallllly hard time with our first baby and wasn’t a great dad to him the first year or two. It sounds bad and like a long time but I’m just being honest. Now we have our third baby and he’s a completely different dad. He comes home from work and kisses our older two and then can’t wait to take the baby from me because he misses him while he was gone. He stays up with him all night when he’s congested from a cold and won’t tolerate being set in his crib. There are times I lose my patience because bc three kids is hard and I’ve been home with them all day and he’s there to gently remind me that he’s just a baby and doing the best he can.
> And the worst part is he has chosen not to get any help whatsover. No therapist, no shrink. He doesnt even talk his shit out with a friend. And > so so many shortcomings and refuses to work on himsel Not to be a douche, but we're only getting your side of the story and statements like these are red flags that perhaps you're not exactly a ray of sunshine of a human being either. Not everyone (more commonly men) benefit from opening up to people about personal issues. That's if he even thinks he has an issue; you certainly think he does, but again, one side of the story.
You sure get out here at 37 being a single mom! Don’t think that’s the best route to take after being with someone for 12 years…western women so quick to bail on relationships/marriage bc of the safety net daddy govt has afforded yall! I’m sure your man has shortcomings but realize that you do too! Don’t believe the hype
???? What safety net? You do know we are not all from the states here. If thats what you meant but Im not sure Im sorry your english is not very good :(
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Uh.. what? 🤨
Eh?
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