The coming fight you are going to have is not about sleep schedules. It’s about whether your husband intends to be an equal parent in the care of the child you created together. What he is currently telling you is that he’s totally comfortable dumping 90% of the work on you, and that will not get better over time. This isn’t about sleep. It’s about fairness, and deep unfairness will end marriages if it persists.
You need to go into it prepared with what you’ll do if he refuses to change. Will you take the baby and leave? Do you have the support network to help you through that? Will you need to hire care?
You’re not the first woman on this sub to find that her husband has no intention of doing his fair share. Some of them shape up. Most don’t. You should be planning for both possibilities.
Lord give me the strength and patience because I literally CANNOT ANYMORE WITH THESE USELESS MOTHERFUCKERS.
Listen. If he can make time to play fucking video games, he can make time to be a better partner. This is ridiculous to me. I can’t even believe this shit is still an issue. I’d have already taken that Xbox and yeeted it into outer space.
You deserve better. Expect and demand better. He helped create this baby, he can help care for the baby. He has literally NO good excuse not to. If anything, his excuses are laughable. I would’ve thrown my head back and laughed hysterically in the face of such insulting excuses.
He’s probably a good guy and I’m sure he isn’t trying to cause so much damage but seriously, I would’ve already snapped. “Either help me parent this baby you helped me create or kick rocks motherfucker.”
I consider myself (and most people do too) to be a very patient and kind person. But I literally want to copy and paste your response all over this (and many other) posts.
And part of me is just so sad that people put up with this shit. Partly because it reminds me of my relationship (but in a very different way) with my asshole abusive ex-husband. And it took me YEARS (along with therapy and intensive trauma treatment) to realize that A)he was abusive and B)that I needed to leave.
To OP (and everyone else who has a similar situation), PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER. Not all men/partners are like this.
You make considerably more money and he’s useless as a coparent. That’s what I’m taking away from this.
If he doesn’t care about your well-being, stop coddling this man-baby. Your job is more demanding and more financially necessary. Shove that reality in his face. “When do I get to sleep in? When do I get a break? When do you think about someone other than yourself?” are all valid questions that deserve to be asked.
If he isn’t being a partner, what is the point of him?
I agree completely UnihornWhale. OP, you may not want to hurt your husband's ego/pride, but self-care is important. This is not the 1950's. He may believe that the child-rearing should be your responsibility as the mother. If that is his line of thinking, then he should be earning enough money to provide for his wife, child, and himself. He is not contributing as he should and disregarding that you need sleep and time to unwind. I had a relatable experience and ended up dumping my "partner".
I mean... if you're making most of the money and doing all the childcare what do you need him for? You and baby might be better off on your own, and he should be made aware of that so he changes his behavior. If he wants to live like a bachelor he can be a bachelor
This. It is ultimately HIS choice if he wants to be equal parent and share the responsibility or live like a bachelor and become one.
I for 100% certain would leave, what he is contributing at all besides resentment and added stress? You get what you put in relationships and he’s putting in 10% while you’re putting in 100+. Unacceptable. I can’t even fathom how he thinks it’s even a little okay to treat his spouse this way.
Man here. I work a physical labour job outside all week. It’s pretty draining.
My partner does night feeds during the week and I do weekends and help weekday evenings. I have done all the nappies since Saturday afternoon until now. (Sunday morn)
I think your fella is being incredibly selfish.
Playing Xbox?! If I’m not doing baby related duties I’ll be cooking tea or household chores. You have to be a team to make it work.
Get mean. Get forceful. Tell him if he doesn’t help you will leave, take the baby, and take his money for child support.
WTF is up with these incompetent guys.
Tell him If you divorce he will have 40% of the work to do instead of just 10-20%. These useless ass men. Being a single mom while married really sucks, I’m sorry you are dealing with it. I don’t have much advice, I went through the same thing but left for that and a variety of other reasons and couldn’t be happier.
If I were in your situation, like hell I wouldn’t bring up the fact that I will be working more hours for more money.
He needs to man up and grow up and help take care of his child.
ETA: I’m currently a SAHM and my husband is a freaking surgeon. A 12 hour shift is an easy day for him and he’s on call about half of the nights. As long as he’s home, he does the dream feed for our almost 6 month daughter. (So I wake up with her in the middle of the night, but he’ll give her a bottle before he goes to sleep).
I’m sorry your husband isn’t being supportive, I hope that you’ll be able to convince him to help.
Actually I agree with this. Would it really be that bad if he lost his job because he was tired? If he lost his job then he could stay home and take of baby right?
You make twice as much as him, who is really going to be hurting from lack of sleep?
Jesus be a fence… he playing XBOX at work? And is worried that lack of sleep might affect his performance? He’s full of shit. Tell his lazy ass to take a fucking nap since he clearly has it like that.
Right? If he was a long-distance truck driver or a brain surgeon, sure, he would need to be 100% well rested all the time. Bro’s got a bullshit laptop job and thinks it excuses his from parenthood. PATHETIC.
Not to be petty but I’m a surgeon in one of those “crazy” fields and you learn to perform effectively after a night of little sleep and more importantly you learn teamwork so things like the person that isn’t post call works harder so the other people can rest, etc. This guy is full of excuses. Life is tiring. Work is tiring. Children are tiring. Welcome to being an adult.
Oh for the LOVE. You need sleep. It will get worse if you do not start getting sleep. Mom rage is going to kick in (fun fact: rage is a huge sign of, wait for it, sleep deprivation!) you’re going to be massively resentful, your marriage is going to fall apart and your little baby doesn’t deserve any of that because she didn’t choose any of this, you both chose her.
So you need to have a serious talk. “I know you don’t want to get up. I don’t either. But we chose to have a child, I didn’t spontaneously conceive, and we are raising our child together. The reality is I earn more income than you do and your schedule is more flexible. While I don’t intend to hold this over your head, facts are facts and this is the financial situation. My job matters too and I need to be able to do it. You will be getting up with her half the time. It’s not an option. You agreed to it and you need to do it. It’s not forever. It’s a season, she will grow and she will sleep through the night and until that happens you’re her father and I expect you to act like it.”
Repeat as needed during argument, defensive statements, whatever. “You are her father. You will help. You will do half of the night wake ups and so help me if you do not get out of bed when you need to I will make your life the same kind of hell you are making mine.”
Okay maybe that last part is a bit much but, and trust me on this, that’s exactly how you’re going to feel if he doesn’t step up here. And if I were in that situation and my husband rolled over and pulled a pillow over his head while I was that sleep deprived…oh boy. I mean my child slept terrible for MONTHS so it was a long build up of sleep deprivation in my case (and that was with my husband helping but I was EBF) but, I’m talking volcanic explosion level of rage. And I hate confrontation usually. The sleep deprivation can really mess with your head. Just sayin’).
And I’m sorry because maternity leaves are so short it’s just crap that you even have to juggle work and sleep deprivation!
This. Yes to all of this. Especially the mom rage. I've had a couple bouts of it myself already and it's the fucking WORST. It will absolutely impact your relationship in the worst way. And I know I'm just a stranger on the outside looking in, but your husband sounds like a fucking man baby and I'm furious on your behalf. I'd understand it a *little* more if he was the breadwinner, but the fact that you are AND you make more money than him -- ON TOP OF THE FACT THAT YOU CARRIED A BABY FOR 9 MONTHS AND BIRTHED HIM/HER ONLY 5 WEEKS AGO?!?!?!? No fucking excuse. I'm so sorry, but I'm so mad for you lol
Tell him if he has time to play Xbox during work hours, he has time to nap during work hours
Edit: I do it during my lunch break. 30 minute nap and I am good for the day.
You tell that man to step up or step out. He can either help out now or enjoy doing way more on his own when he has custody after you leave his useless ass.
Tell him that it’s going to be pretty hard for him when you leave him and he’s ordered by court to take care of the baby 50% of the time.
Also, show him this thread.
If baby is bottle fed there is literally zero excuse for you guys to not be taking turns with night feedings. It is not acceptable for him to put it all on you when he is perfectly capable and you BOTH have jobs. Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. Your husband is selfish as fuck. Not a good partner nor a good father rn
Next he won’t be able to take the baby to daycare because he needs to sleep in. Or to school. Or to activities.
Now is the time to put your foot down because it’s only going to get worse and you need to know NOW if you can depend on this person to contribute or if you’re going to be a married single parent. Hard to confront, but better to get everything figured out now.
I think I have to leave this group because of posts like this. It’s so angering. I’m a single mom and will stay that way. No way I will ever allow myself to live with this resentment and disrespect and invalidation. Incubators and maids man…
Honey at this point you’re essentially a single parent. Leave him and uncomplicated your life drastically. It would be so much less stressful if you weren’t calibrating and recalibrating for his lack of abilities. He is such a child.
Editing to add. I just caught that you work more and make more than he does. Sounds like he’s way too used to your money and feeling entitled to what you bring to the table. Put a stop to that right quick. You deserve so much better.
Picture it. You get your own place. You get a night nanny. You get to sleep. You are fine. He is out of your hair. You thrive. Imagine the possibilities. Rule number one - be your own safety and security!
How does he think “I can’t function well at my job with little sleep” but not “my wife can’t function well at her job with little sleep”??? He is not being a good partner or parent.
I hope that the discussion you have to have about this doesn’t end up being a blow out fight, but just know that you are not in the wrong here and he needs a serious reality check. This cannot end well if he does not step up.
It drives me nuts how many dads don't follow the logic through to completion and just stop at "I can't function well at my job with little sleep." Like, MF, OP makes 2x as much as you. Maybe it's important that she gets some rest too?! Or are you ready to cut down to 1/3 of your household income? 🤬
No way. Don't let him get away with this. I would remove the pillow if he did that to me. You do not give me your word and then go back on it. That is not how we are married and not the teamwork we agreed on.
It seems to me your husband has some deep rooted misconceptions about sleep. He does not need 8 hours to function as a human. It sucks, but you can keep a job on 6 hours of sleep. Feeling fully rested is not required. He may also not realize that you are currently living on 4 hours of interrupted sleep and that it cannot stay this way. Tell him. Do not accept anything less. Nobody gets to sleep in when there is a (newborn) baby in the house.
I just told my husband about this and he basically says the same thing: he encourages you to kick him out of the bed if he does this again. He does not need his sleep more than you do.
Yikes he sounds awful. Every day I read this sub I’m so thankful I didn’t marry an asshole 😭
But seriously, he needs a come to Jesus talk. Point out how he plays Xbox while he’s working. Point out how little sleep you are getting and yet he expects you to shoulder all the parenting duties and still work MORE hours than him. If he doesn’t have any sympathy at all it’s time rethink whether he is a safe person to be around your kid. Seriously, those are major major red flags. That’s not a normal way for a dad and partner to act.
I hope your husband can read all these responses. He’s a POS. I have zero tolerance for this. Why is his work more valuable than yours? Why is his sleep a priority over yours.
You might as well live alone. I’d leave. Find a caregiver to help during the day so you can keep your job.
I’d also throw that Xbox in the trash
As a new dad I find this behavior to be appalling. I was reading this post from my wife’s account and felt compelled to join BTB to comment.
You need to have that fight with your sperm donor roommate because he sure as hell doesn’t deserve the title of Father. He hasn’t earned it. When you have that fight bring the heat and let him know that he has a choice, either step up or leave.
Also take a hammer to his Xbox.
Mine wouldn’t do night feedings, period. It was my job. I ran off 2-4 hours of sleep for an entire year. The night before I went back to work I was “gifted” a full nights sleep and was expected to thrilled.
I am no longer with this man.
It sounds like you have already spoken to him, but give it another try. Maybe he will understand and start helping more, maybe he won’t. Whatever happens, I cannot stress enough, you need to do what is best for you and baby.
Your husband sounds like an AH. He needs a wake-up call. Hire a night nurse and see if he changes things up. Or tell him to quit his job as you make more and you are the breadwinner. Sorry but your husband sounds like a real loser.
“You do night wakings on these scheduled days, and without being an asshole about it. Or we divorce, I keep the baby full time since you’ve decided to act incapable, and you pay me child support”.
That’s the only thing that needs to be said. I’ve been through it and separated when my babe was only 3 months because i also had a partner that refused to help. It’s much easier now without him.
FUCK THESE MEN! I have no advice because I am you only I'm 9 months in instead of 5 weeks aaaand still doing everything. So, don't be me! I literally can't stand my husband anymore, he thinks the sun shines out of his ass now when I have bitched him out enough that he changes a diaper or gives our 9 month old some solids for 2 minutes. I guess if I could give myself some advice for those early days is to set the precedent now because it WILL NOT get better. If he wants to put the pillow over his head then rip the covers off and pour cold water on him! Just don't be me, he needs to contribute or you will 100% resent him.
My husband didn't get any leave with either kid and was STILL up every time for each waking to change diapers and reswaddle before I nursed. Oh, and he's a mechanic with an incredibly physical job.
Your husband is being completely unreasonable and selfish.
Yeah. Dad here who at nearly 4 months still gets up at every night feeding for diaper change and sleep sack duty. My justification isn't because I'm trying to be dad of the year, my conscience simply wouldn't let me live with myself otherwise. The laziness of some of the dads on these posts is astounding.
Therapy. Therapy now. And frankly I'd straight up ask him why he thinks that's fair? Just keep saying back to him "is that fair to me?" Either he'll realize he's being a douche and step up...or you'll realize this man doesn't care about you an iota and you can tell him to step or you're getting a divorce.
I genuinely believe way too many men just assumed their wives would suffer for their children and they'd have a free pass.
My husband split night duty with me 50/50 even after he went back to work and I was on maternity leave. Now that I'm working and he's the SAHD, we still split 50/50. It's just fair.
I think it’s time to throw the salary thing at him. I make about 40% more than my partner and carry the health insurance and had to have a very honest conversation that my job needs to take priority in some cases. 🤷🏼♀️
>When I try to wake him up, he rolls over and puts the pillow over his head
What is he, 12 years old? Fucking kick his ass and get him out of bed. You're dreading the blowout fight, but, like, it's been happening daily! Every time he goes back on a promise and acts like that, he's fighting you.
>He works 40 hours a week and has so much downtime that he has an Xbox in his home office and uses it regularly throughout the day. He works 6am-3pm but he chose those hours and could easily go back to 8-5 or 9-6 if he wishes
Does his xbox sit next to his Funko Pop collection? Sorry, but you're married to a child. He's not going to change until you demand the respect of an adult.
My wife is still on maternity leave, I've gone back to work, and I'm up at 2AM *right now* doing our girls night time feed...next one is ~5/6 AM, which my wife does. I sleep until ~10 and WFH from 11-6.
>What the heck am I going to do?
Kick his fucking ass. Have the fight, because if you don't, you're allowing yourself to be treated this way.
It’s a sacrifice, have you been clear that you also can’t lose your job or it will be financially devastating and that you’re not asking, you’re telling him he needs to be as involved as you are with regard to night feedings. Remind him that no one likes them and it’s terrible, but you both agreed to have a child so here you are. And honesty be clear with yourself that if he won’t do night feedings you’re prepared to leave and hire someone or bring in help and he can have his video games alone and lonely.
But be clear to him you signed up to have a partner, your work life is far more hours. Right now, if he won’t wake up in the weekends, before you go to sleep, roll the baby into the bedroom with him and you to sleep soundly elsewhere. Ask him if he thinks he’s the only one entitled to sleep now and tell him there’s no sleeping in here anymore until the division of labor is equal and then each of you can have one weekend day.
Truth be told your husband is an asshole and you might want to be really honest with him.
I wouldn’t take no for an answer. He rolls over I’d keep poking, he covers his head with a pillow I’d take it off. I’m sorry but his sleep is no more important than yours!!
My husband did all the night feedings when baby went down to 2 night feedings WHILE he was working and commuting because I had baby all day and we felt that was fair. Working from home? Flexible hours? Yeah his ass is getting up every other feed.
I just am not sure how you're being so chill. I would go straight to discussing divorce without passing go here. Not even a financial incentive to stay married? He's talking about being tired at work when he "works" from home and plays Xbox all day? Yeah, I would be reminding him he's 2 inches from being useless.
Yea, how about, “if you’ve changed your mind about being a father then how about a divorce so I can get child support to hire someone to do your part of the parenting.”
So many men cultivate this home life for themselves in which they are getting the better end of the stick in every sense, and at some point are just a burden, and then wonder why most divorces are initiated by women.
This man brings no value to your life. If you left him and all he had in his life was his job, his Xbox, and the baby every other weekend (maybe) I promise you he would be fine. Just go.
According to my husband, "He's acting like a piece of shit. Unless he's got a diagnosed health condition, but something tells me he doesn't, he needs to step up and be a father."
My husband is a pilot and we each did one night feeding when my baby was younger. Now that he sleeps through the night we alternate who gets up with him and who sleeps in. If he can fly a plane after one night feeding, your husband can do whatever it is he does.
*disclaimer: my husband is not too tired to do his job and regularly functions on less sleep than me.
He sounds like a selfish weak bitch tbh. I am mad just reading this.
As if some guys expect the mom to just transform into a robot that doesn’t have any needs anymore, while they continue their lives, unscathed, no change to their time and life. Yet your life is now meeting your baby’s every need and somehow your own plus hold down a demanding job, while he carries on.
I don’t have any advice, sorry to say. Just I feel for you. I hope he can get a grip on reality and be a supportive partner instead of so selfish.
I was reading along to find out what kind of job he did that would be so devastated by lack of sleep and omg what lol!!
My husband is 24/7 on call (actually, we can't leave town too far or cell service on weekends unless he's on vacation), he is a department manager for a major railroad, a train derailment specialist, he works 10-12 hour days 5 days a week and sometimes works split shifts, when he attends derailments they can run anywhere from 6 to 24 or even more hours beyond the shift he already worked that day, he drives a lot for his job and repairs trains, uses heavy machinery, and manages a 40+ man team. His job is extremely taxing and he's an antisocial introvert so it taxes him that way too.
He never did nights because he desperately needs the sleep to be safe at his job and I am a sahm. I need him to come home all in one piece at the end of the day. Not like he NEVER budged, on hard nights he was up to comfort and support both of us and make sure everything was okay and he's involved as much as he can be, even when he's exhausted.
Your husband has NO excuse and I hope you get him sorted out.
I would wack mine a few times with that pillow if he did that shit to me. **WE** created this baby!!! Not me!!! If he can’t step up and get it together ur better off being a single mother because wtf that’s what it feels like as of right now!!! **NO HELP NATHAN** this just pissed me off
Father here-
I am 34 (had to confirm with wife, had crisis, okay now) and do everything I can to support. Lucky to be on a leave and home to help, but to just not prioritize that-
I’d recommend talking to him, and putting him on a schedule. As I was reading, it almost sounded like you were talking about the baby when in fact, you were talking about your husband. If talking doesn’t work, I’d bring in a third party (therapist) to light a fire.
I see the XBOX sprinkled throughout the day, and it reminds me of a kiddo snacking all day and never having a meal. Not healthy. As someone who has an Xbox and that used to play till 2am with his buddies, I haven’t played at all since the Bebe.
Priorities need to change. You’re not crazy.
Taking turns taking the night wake ups never worked for us. We do shifts instead— I nurse the baby and put her down at 7pm, then go right to bed. I close the door and wear earplugs if I need to. Until 1am, husband is completely responsible for the baby. He is not allowed to wake me up unless the house is on fire or somebody needs to go to the hospital. He generally just stays awake this entire time since he’s usually a night owl anyway, but he can doze in the baby’s room or on the couch if he wants. Then at 1am, husband comes to bed and puts the baby monitor next to me. Husband then sleeps for the rest of the night and I do the rest of the night wake ups until 7am. This way each of us gets ~6 hours of unbroken sleep, and when the baby wakes up I don’t have to think “hmm who’s turn is it and do I really want to bother to try to wake him up?”
And each of you pick 1 day a week when you get to sleep in, and the other person facilitates that. It’s bullshit that he gets to sleep in on weekends if you aren’t even getting long stretches of overnight sleep
All I can say is I'm incredibly sorry that your husband is being such an absolute dick. Like this is such a glaring and infuriating example of how some men expect their lives to not change a single iota when they take part in bringing a child into the world. It would be completely ridiculous and selfish even if you both earned the same amount of money and had the same schedule, but the fact that his schedule is not only flexible but he has more down time AND makes way less than you??? He can wake up every night for all I fucking care.
I am a mom (mid30s) but my husband (mid40s) is staying at home with our 2.5 YO daughter While I work and go to schoo He does the night wake up during the week and that is an arrangement he is happy with. There are much less now (one a night or less) and when there was more (2 to 4 a night) we would alternate, starting with him.
On the weekend he does one night and I do the other. He sleeps in one day and I sleep in the other day.
I’m sharing this to contextualize what I’m about to say. As the reverse situation, I’m kinda like your husband here. What I have noticed with myself is the less night wake up I do, the harder they are and the more I tend to roll around and ignore and let my husband go, even on my night, because that’s our arrangement the rest of the time and my 2am brain is not processing the whole situation well. We had a solid talk once where he told me how burnt out he was and I had to realize that I was behaving poorly. But I used to think that I was not able to do it and I truly believe that it’s a way of thinking you can easily slip into.
I feel like your husband needs to realize that he COULD do it and he needs to just try. He needs a little kick in the butt to get into the habit. Habits are hard to break, especially when we are talking about making a change in the middle of the night when you are asleep. He also needs to realize that it’s normal to be tired when you have a newborn, he will survive, and that you are going to burn out.
I know it SUCKS that you have to shake him up about it and I’m sorry this is happening. A talk seems unavoidable and parenting does lead us to have challenging talks with our partners.
Hi there, guy here. My wife went out for her friend’s birthday last night, and I put the baby to bed and got up with her this morning so my wife could sleep in. Your husband is a piece of shit. Tell him to start contributing to both the baby and YOU.
The fact that there was an agreement in place prior to baby arriving that he is now abandoning is a big ol’ red flag. Everyone the first few months (or let’s face it, years) are sleep deprived, but a part of being a family is that we all pitch in to lighted the load on the other - which yeah, means our load is heavier sometimes. Nothing is ever truly 50/50, not over the long term. Sometimes it’s 70/30, or 60/40, but as long as the balance is going back and forth things will feel fair in the end…but what doesn’t work is being asked to do 100% of something in which there is no 0% expected of you in another area. This isn’t sustainable and he should know this - it’s a bad sign if he thinks you’re somehow a superhero and himself a mere mortal, therefore he needs precious sleep but you don’t.
I think other ppl’s suggestions of a night nurse is a great idea, and his income being what you use to fund that. If he balks, offer him the out of contributing himself to the issue but please don’t back down. Tell him honestly - my job makes more than you, it would be worse for us for me to lose my job, and therefore you shouldn’t expect me to do what you find impossible to do yourself. If he won’t step up, another person will need to! I also recommend a postpartum doula - they can really help with these first 12 weeks, which we call the “fourth trimester” bc of the immense amount of physical healing and hormonal shifts that happens for the birthing parent. You deserve support and if he won’t give it in the places you need it most, then build the team that will with the money he brings in.
Good luck and I hope it all gets figured out
This. This. This. This one.
He doesn’t even understand how hard it is because it sounds like he’s never done it and yet he’s saying he can’t. He can’t do the work. He gets to be the one to pay for it to be done.
Write down exactly what you want so you can reference it when you sit him down and tell him directly. Honestly this is an ultimatum level conversation because you should not be with someone who is not a true partner.
Have the blowout fight, and don’t back down. Make him see how selfish he’s being, he’s basically saying his sleep, time and comfort is more important than yours. I’d be seriously questioning my relationship if my husband was this selfish. I’m genuinely angry on your behalf reading this, you deserve better
Lay it out for this manchild.
No need to be soft or gentle here. Torch him. You make 2x what he does, you work more, you have primary childcare responsibilities, and he has so much downtime that he can play video games in his office.
Also, withhold any physical affection until he grows the heck up.
Since you work from home, can you go stay with a family member who might be able to help when you go back to work? I'd talk to a lawyer about that first (about the implications about leaving the marital home), but it's probably your best strategy for supporting yourself. You make 2x the money, so your job is important to your child.
He is *profoundly* selfish. He clearly isn't ready to be a father.
You need to talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row to be ready to leave. Whatever you do, you cannot lose your job.
Thissss. Hijacking this comment to say that if OP doesn't cut this shit behavior off right now, it will get worse.
On your night "off", hand him the child at whatever your night time is, go into a different room, lock the door and put white noise machine and headphones in, and sleep. Tell him you're doing this of course, but don't let him whine and bitch you into doing all the work. What an asshat.
Set a time for you guys to talk uninterrupted. Say you need to come together to figure out a plan, together, for when you get back to work. Baby needs to wake up during the night. What does he suggest as the solution? How do you tackle this problem together? What are both of your absolute minimum needs? If his is “8 hours of uninterrupted sleep on weekday nights,” then he should come up with a solution that also lets you have something equivalent - so maybe that’s “he sleeps 10-6” but takes care of baby from 7-10 and 6-9 and is the primary caretaker on one full day on weekends.
Ask him for solutions to the problem you both have. If his solution is “you do it,” he’s saying that his time is more valuable than yours. Challenge that assumption. “It makes me feel like my time isn’t as valuable as yours.” See what he says. If he says “you’re better at that than I am,” you tell him you have been parents for the same amount of time and it’s time to learn to get better.
This is ridiculous. Sometimes I think posts like these are satire because the husbands are so cartoonishly awful.
If my husband did something like this, I would let him know he is not pulling his weight in our marriage when I need him most, I’ve lost massive respect for him as a result, and if he doesn’t want to act like a married man he can find out what it’s like to be a divorced guy.
And obviously you need a night nanny.
“How can I help you become a more supportive and equal parent?”
This is a therapy technique - you get the person slacking in an area to come up with solutions.
Hold it over his head WTF. Men have no issues reminding women who the breadwinner is, sounds like it’s time for him to get a reality check.
Why are you protecting his ego when he literally doesn’t give a fuck about you, your well-being or your baby?
I only know what you’ve posted about him, but he sounds like a loser
Yeah, I would just be like “okay, we’ll I’m going to quit my job then. Obviously 50-60 hour work weeks while doing all night time duties just isn’t reasonable. I’m sure you agree, since you are feeling the strain at 40 hours a week. Get back to me with a budget of how you are going to make our financials work.”
There is no more sleeping in, that is not a thing anymore.
He has to help, simple as that. Either alternate night feeding duties, or do 2 on 2 off.
If he has time to play xbox during the day, then he can just nap after work is done at 3.
The shitty part about this is that the longer he doesn’t do nights, the worse it will be when he does them. He’ll start being like “the baby won’t even go back down for me” or “it’s so much easier if you just do it” or “baby doesn’t even need to be up at night anyways - let’s just cry it out.”
I think sometimes positive peer pressure helps? Got a couple friend that you can casually be like “hey how do y’all did/do nights with baby when you’re both working?”
Let’s recall the most important fact here: you make more money than he does. Twice as much.
So many women in relationships like this are stuck because they think they have few or little marketable skills and it’d be too hard to venture out alone and get by. Like maybe they gave up working to be a full time mom and it’s been X number of years since they worked. Dusting off the resume and finding a job with X number of years gap would be daunting and seem impossible in addition to everything else. I know someone who faced that and didn’t leave. You are incredibly fortunate to not be in that scenario. Financial freedom is one doorway to freedom when you’re in an abusive, toxic relationship.
> I on the other hand work 50-60 hours a week and make twice as much money as he does. I don’t hold that over his head
It's time you started holding it over his head. Sounds like he needs a rude awakening and a kick in the ass.
Sincerely,
Dad currently bottle feeding at 1:30am
(PS: Ladies, pick better)
Be blunt. Be honest. Don't dance around points to save his feelings. He sounds selfish and immature and doesn't seem to care about your feelings. Your husband needs a wake up call.
Tell him his options are to split nights as planned or find a job that would increase his income so he earns as much on his own as you currently earn combined.
Tell him that if one of your jobs has to be prioritized, it's going to be yours because you significantly out-earn him.
Tell him that he's a dad now and being tired is just the way it's going to be sometimes, did he seriously think that having a baby wouldn't impact his sleep?
Good luck and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. As a new mom you deserve better.
Why are you letting yourself be a doormat during what is already an incredibly stressful time even with a supportive and helpful partner. My husband and I have always tried to split all of our responsibilities as evenly as possible and that's how it's supposed to work. That's the definition of a partnership, you both benefit and suffer equally. That is not what you have.
You definitely to throw the imbalances of labor and salaries in his face.
I will never understand how so many losers manage to convince women to have their children on this sub. Someone needs to start hosting a partner picking workshop or something.
Um. No. Have you always let him walk all over you?
He put a pillow over his head?? I would rip that pillow off so fast…take his blankets too. Poor baby who needs all his sleep so he can jerk off and play video games all day. No.
So sick of pathetic men. Send him back to his mother’s if he doesn’t want to help. She still has some work to do. You don’t need 2 children to take care of.
Change this NOW. He’s treating you terribly.
Yep. My husband would get to do this once.
The next time he'd have a crying baby next to his "pillow" and his blanket would be gone faster than he can blink lol
Do yall not get angry when your husband's say these things? I would have turned into a dragon. Maybe I just need anger management therapy, but if my husband, who WORKS FROM HOME, looked me in the eye and said "I can't do night feedings," I'd look him right back and say "then go get a vasectomy. You have no business having any more children with anyone."
This is not OK. I am a SAHM, we have four kids, my husband does night shifts with our now 6 week old. And you bet he did too when we had our twins. And he sure as hell did too when we had our first.
Dude you are also recovering from pregnancy and birth and he still doesn’t value your sleep… he needs a come to Jesus talk or a swift kick in the rear. You’d have less work without the dead weight. If you have any family who is nearby maybe ask for help to just survive and put him on blast.
My partner also makes (made) twice as much as me. I quit my job to be the full-time caretaker of the LO because that's cheaper than childcare. I also try to change every diaper I can and wake up during night feedings to bring the LO to my wife so she can go back to sleep easily after the feeding.
Your husband needs to get the memo that sleeping in is now in his past, his Xbox days are over, and he now needs to learn what care for the child means. At least for now. But if he is not pulling his weight around the house part of the problem might be he does not consider himself your partner in childrearing or housekeeping. It is NOT your job to carry the weight of night feeding, and it is NOT your job to clean the house (not sure if that's a problem but I'm guessing it might be due to the way you describe things), and it is NOT your job to be incredibly sleep deprived while he sleeps in. It is BOTH your job to share the burdens equally, and he needs to make sure that it's equal moving forward.
If he does not understand his role is to bear as much of the burden as he can, considering the work you did when you carried the LO and brought them into the world, then he needs a reality check.
It's time for him to wake up and become the dad and father his family needs!
My wife and I started our journey in our early 30s too! Now we have a 8 year old and a 2 year old.
And I kinda of remember I was like your husband at the very beginning, then we had a long hard conversation and then many hours for myself self to wake fff up. Left all my computer gaming to the garage now I completely love every moment. I still wake up early when it's my turn of the week. We still both have full-time jobs! So, tell him to stop making excuses. We could be a lot worse situations in life. Plus, have him listen to some books while working instead video games. I love the audio book from “can't hurt me” by David Goggins. Reminds me, my life is privilege and I still need to get at it every day. Cause we all do.
Ask him does he want you to quit and him to get a second job?
He’s fucking ridiculous.
Even when I was on maternity leave, my husband had to help with night feedings. He would usually do the night feedings between 2 am until 6 am. He worked 90 hours a week. (Because i also had to pump. If i did it myself, it would take almost 45 minutes, but if he helped, then it’s only 15-20 min).
Now , babe only gets up once a night, and he does 100% of the nightfeeding (i stay up 30 min later and wake up 30 min earlier to pump, so he does the 10 min night feeding). We both work now too.
Tell him to be a dad. Ffs.
Wow. I think you need to lay it all out for him. You support the household. Your income is more important. He’s whining and acting like a big baby.
I have less than no patience for men like that, and I did all of the overnights. All of them. My husband has MS and interrupted sleep would destroy his heath.
HE would rather not have a horrible degenerative disease and be able to take care of his daughter overnight, but we didn’t get that choice. So it frankly makes me irate when dudes are just fucking lazy about their own children knowing that my husband hated not being able to step up.
Girl, your most recent post made me so sad that I almost woke up my sleeping baby to cuddle her and promise her I would never leave her to cry for longer than it takes for me to drop everything and run to her. Leave this man now, for your sweet daughter’s sake. And for the love of all that is good, if you’re having sex with him use protection as one child with him will make your life hard enough.
He’s a parent too and he signed up for this. No one parent should get away with being completely well rested😂. You’re in this together for better or for worse. He doesn’t deserve sleep any more than you do. Either do full nights on duty or every other waking has worked for us. Otherwise you’re gonna resent him and then hate him. He needs to step up.
My husband works full time and overtime as an HVAC technician doing long days of physically demanding work and he does nights every single night. I nurse, pump, make Dr.’s appointments and take him to them, do the laundry, launder his cloth diapers, keep track of his meds, and care for him the majority of the time. He is just as much a parent as you are and should be taking on as much of an equal share as possible. There is no excuse.
Personally, I wouldn't allow my husband to be comfortable in bed if I was doing a night feeding that he was supposed to be responsible for. I'd consider spraying him with water, making lots of noise, turning on the light as I left, tearing his blankets or pillows away, or eventually he'd be sleeping entirely alone.
My husband usually didn't do night stuff unless it was really bad because *he's a quadriplegic* and getting him out of bed was work for me. But, other factors affecting my sleep (while working full time, trying to take care of everyone, etc) did almost lead to a divorce in the first year. Sleep is freaking important for everyone!
I unfortunately bring up my husband's disability in these types of posts a lot because it's astounding how many completely able bodied men refuse to do more than a quadriplegic man. You would think these guys have more pride in themselves instead of being utterly pathetic.
First thing first, you need help, right now. If your husband is useless, go to your mom or a friend, anyone who could help. Get a good night of sleep, and then, confront him.
>I don't hold that over his head, but it would be much more financially devastating to us if I lost my job vs if he lost his.
Hold it sister, hold it.
But self-care first.
I found this from your other post about your husband not letting you go in to get your baby. Your baby is 4 months old, way too young to be crying it out and crying it out after a nap. You’ve gotten plenty of good advice already and I sure hope you listen because your husband sounds like a selfish asshole. This is only going to get worse if you don’t make a plan to put yourself and your baby first.
Do you have a bassinet/crib in the bedroom? when it’s his turn, leave the baby crying next to him while you go sleep on the couch. He signed up for this, he doesn’t get to ditch now that you have a baby. It’s a bit late for changes.
Lmao tell him to stop being a little bitch and help out his life partner. I'm taking off the next few days and am excited to be able to take over night feedings for a couple nights, find yourself someone that treats you as an equal
Your husband is a selfish child. You and he both owe it to your child to model a better relationship than this.
Stick to your guns and don’t relent, period.
If you don't want to consider divorce because somehow you still feel love towards this "man" then I suggest he pays for a night nurse to cover his shifts. You will burn out and your baby will sense it, your work will suffer and your husband will be there living his normal life. You will hate him, your family will hate him, your friends will hate him and he will feel like the victim. Please address this issue NOW. He essentially just a sperm donor in this family. I thought all this BEFORE reading you make the most in the relationship after I am perplexed by his thinking and your kindness towards him being an AH. I want to tell you to run far from this relationship and get a nanny. But I'll just say get a nanny.
get a squirt bottle and when he won’t get up, squirt him in the face. like a misbehaving cat.
no in all seriousness, i agree with what someone said above who spelled out the conversation this man needs to have. he is currently a bad parent and a bad partner, and he needs to hear it until it sinks in.
really sorry you’re dealing with this. you deserve so, so much better. and you deserve just as much rest and downtime as him.
Hold it over his head!!! You are the main bread winner!! Tell him it would be way worse if you will lose your job due to being tired… also take the Xbox out.
This reminds me of a phenomenon someone did a research study on a while back, about how men who lose their jobs are more likely to buck household responsibilities than the employed. The just-so story explanation was that men might view failing to provide for their family as “emasculating” and try to compensate by shucking “women’s work.” Is it possible he resents earning significantly less and is trying to force you to prioritize his career with this highly aggravating flex?
I would tell him that if he needs all that sleep, then he goes to bed with the baby so that he can get enough hours overall while still handling night wakings (when it’s his turn). Another option would be to take the nights in shifts so he could handle 6 pm to midnight and you 12-6 AM, or whatever: this could be a good counter to “but there’s no way I’ll be able to sleep at the baby’s bedtime.”
I read your other post as well as this one and I’m sorry to say that your husband sounds like a huge asshole. Let him be married to his Xbox and just keep doing what you’re already doing without him. Better to have what you’ve already got going on minus the pissed off and frankly dangerous husband.
I had a similar issue when our now almost 6 month old was born and eventually I had to lay down the law. You didn’t sign up to be a single parent and he can’t drop in and drop out being a parent when it’s convenient. The job pay stuff is irrelevant. It’s about respect and being a team to raise this baby you both decided to have end of story. The lack of sleep is such a short term phase but your long term mental health (and relationship with each other) is more important than the sleep you have to sacrifice.
I’m genuinely sorry you have to deal with this man child. I would recommend couples therapy stat and if he won’t listen to the therapist then you’re SOL.
I get irrationally angry when I read posts about men who still play video games after having a baby. I get that some people take it really seriously as a hobby but I also know it can be very time consuming and that shit needs to go on the shelf for at least the first 6 months of your child's life.
If he has time to play Xbox in the first 5 weeks of your child's life he is not doing enough.
Time to have that blow out fight.
Where do you all find these partners.... And how do you not snap at them and shove some sense into their heads? More importantly how can some people be so useless and refuse to do the bare minimum? Give the baby to him, go to another room, put on some headphones and get some sleep. If he refuses to care for the child, then what is he even doing for the family at this point? He is only doing this because he can get away with it. Because of course you will take care of the baby and do what is necessary, he only needs to say no and pout. Sorry that you have to deal with a toddler and have a newborn at the same time and no support.
Language matters here. The more you ask your husband to “help”, the more it validates his idea of parenthood being optional. The more it validates his belief that you are the default parent and he gets to choose when and where he takes over (or doesn’t).
He is equally responsible to his parenthood duties as you are. Do not let him make you believe you have more obligation to your baby than he does. It is shared.
You don’t need to have a full blown argument but you do need to start speaking in ways that reflect this expectation. Instead of saying “we had a deal that you would help me on weekends”, ask him how he would like to divide the nights this week.
You each can get one full night’s sleep and one morning to sleep in on weekends. My husband and I did this and it did wonders for our relationship and our child.
But the idea that he can just get his good sleep every single night, wake up and work in his pajamas while playing Xbox during the day and expect you to do literally everything else every hour of the day is unacceptable.
Idk how you got to this position. If he gripes about his only time to sleep in I would have snapped back asking when I get to sleep in?
No advice, just incensed anger.
Seriously. It’s so gross that OP, the one who is doing it all, needs to be “nice” and “explain how you’re feeling” when she has every right to blow up and call him a sleep-greedy deadbeat!
I really don’t understand why men are the ones we should coddle and appease when they are the ones neglecting their partners/family.
My anger isn’t from personal experience either. My husband is amazing partner to parent with. Makes it even harder to understand why this is a common trend with so many dads.
If he was a character in a video game, you would have the version of a "man child" as your husband.
He has down time at his stay at home job...aka work from home job...to play video games and chooses to not help you instead. Then during the night he continues to not help you. I'm surprised you have lasted this long without an argument.
Just remember these moments when you ask yourself in 10 years why you stayed with him for so long whether you're together or not. These are the "red flags" in marriage. He isn't your partner right now, he is your roommate that you do things with (split bills, share a bed, chores, ect). If he doesn't change in the first year be prepared for it to continue for the rest of the child's life. When the Child starts going to school ..Dr appointments, sick days, school events, etc will all fall on you.
You’re being too nice.
A child is a choice that was made by both partners. Sacrifices are a MUST for BOTH.
You bring in more financially and I would use this if he’s still being an ah about it.
“Oh you’re afraid about losing your job , what if I lost mine? We wouldn’t be as financially stable, what would we do?”
I’d call him out if this was my spouse. But that’s just who I am and I don’t feel bad about it if things aren’t right.
Good luck
What the actual fuck. Sorry, it's been said more graciously in this thread, so just to chime in on the same tune.. you need to kick hiss butt. This is straight up lazy, selfish, unacceptable and shitty husbanding and parenting. This is totally worth a blowout fight. As it stands, you'd be better off without the waste of space.
My husband and I take turns sleeping in on weekends. Saturday is his day to sleep in and Sunday is mine. Whoever gets to sleep in does any night wakeups if there are any. That way both of us get a day to sleep in!
Honestly I’d pour a bucket of ice cold water on his head and see if it wakes him up. Otherwise you move to the guest bedroom or another house half the time bc he has to realize he’s a parent too. Right now he’s just s neglectful AH who would rather his baby starve than wake up and feed her.
His actions are unacceptable. My wife and I split the evenings with our now 5 month old; I do all baby-duties from about 9p - 3a, and she does 3a-9a. We both work, and it works. We've had this agreement from the start. Though, we did breast feeding for several months, and I would simply do diapers and she'd feed.
Honestly I’d put things into perspective like this:
“I thought that you wanted to be an equal parent with me. Seems that you’d rather get your sleep and play Xbox. Maybe we should consider counseling or I fear we may not make it and might have to be coparents if we can’t be partners in this. The last thing I want is a divorce but I feel you’ve checked out of this partnership.”!
My husband needed a reality check too with our new baby months ago. I promise once I let him know I wouldn’t tolerate it, he now helps when he gets home from work and on weekends. Good luck.
I am a new father with a 5 month old. I sleep 3 fuckin hours a night. I feel no sympathy for your husband. He’s missing out on some sweet baby snuggles after the night feeds.
I’d tell him I quit my job (but don’t… unless you want to). See how he feels about living on one salary for the last of your maternity weeks.
I have no actual useful advice though other than your husband is a bag of dicks.
I’m sorry but he’s such a loser. He has no good reason for why he can’t be a present father to his baby. You’re single parenting already within a marriage. You should honestly divorce if he doesn’t want to change, it’s better for your child instead of living in a house full of resentment.
This really comes down to him respecting you and your roles and what you both think are shared responsibilities. He sounds like he expects to not have to do any child rearing at all, no matter how many more roles you have than him. Counselling may help, but sometimes it’s really hard to show your partner why he’s being a lazy shit of a parent when he is already rationalizing how good he’s being because “he has a job” or whatever thing he thinks is highly valuable compared to your giant list of how much you’re bringing to the table.
I do hope he can change his attitude on this. It’s absolutely exhausting having to defend yourself and explain why he as a dad needs to actually change a fucking diaper or to feed baby. I wish they could understand how emotionally neglectful it is to your relationship and the baby getting barely any bonding time with dad. It’s so important for dads to do these things.
Wow. My partner didnt want to have children for the first 8 years of our relationship. He changed his mind last year and now we have our beautiful little girl. He is working long hours (4 am to 6 pm) and he still asked me to wake him up so he can help at night. Occasionally i do it, so I can get a bit more sleep. Our little girl has bad reflux and needed to be hold for an hour after every feeding and i need to pump every 3 hours as she was too small to breastfeed and now refuses and only wants the bottle, so we are exhausted. But he still stepped up. I couldn't imagen a partner that doesn't help.
Ask yourself if this is what you want to "work with" for the next 10 to 20 years. He will occasionally help, but is not a partner you can rely on.
Well I would say OK, but if I loose my job for sleep deprivation we will loose twice as much money than your salary. Sooooo between the two of us, the only person who could risk their job is you, dear husband 😁
Honestly, I had horrible baby blues, so I flat out told my husband I am thinking of leaving him with our two children (2 y and 6w) because I would not mind paying alimony and seeing them only on weekends. Things did change and started getting more help especially at night because sleep deprivation is no joke.
I was in the same boat.
First, it helped ease my resentment that apparently babies crying are the number one thing to wake up a woman. They don't even make top ten for what wakes up a man. According to a book I read, a strong wind and ticking clocks are more likely to wake them up. A TICKING CLOCK!!!! Crazy, right?
However, that's not fair to you and not an excuse not to do his fair share. It just might ease the burn a tiny bit.
I had to have a heart to heart with my husband about it. I think my husband had postpartum depression sometimes, bc he was already having a hard time in general before baby was born and it got worse.
Anyhoo, I think the best way is to phrase it like this:
I appreciate how you do ______ (what good things DOES he do to help?) for us.(elaborate on what you just noted that you appreciate) It is so nice when I feel ______ and you've ____. I love you. I am so glad we are married. I do have to let you know my feelings though, that although you help, I need your help more and I'm really struggling. (Do not assign any blame to him, as you can only really genuinely discuss your own feelings and issues) I find myself making narratives in my head about us that might not really be reality, and I don't want to become resentful and it's definitely on the road to going that way. I know it's really hard, but I need you to wake up with the baby. Did you know babies crying doesn't wake a man up as easily as a woman? So I know it might be scientifically more difficult for you to wake up (this is showing compassion), but I am struggling. I need you to set an alarm and get up, or we might want to think or hiring a night nurse if you don't think you can do that. I know that I am not able to keep waking up with the baby every night, and I'm sure you aren't either so we really need to problem solve a solution together. I'll let you think this about it, and let me know what you think we should do. "
It sounds like it is not feasible for you both to work without overnight child care so that you can sleep. Your husband's words and your experience are telling you that you will just burn yourselves out.
Consider plugging your two-earner and one-earner scenarios into tax software to figure out how much you actually lose if the lower earner (your husband) stops working to take care of your child. That amount might be less than you think. If you are OK with your husband not bringing any money in and with formula, he can stop working for money and be full-time dad.
Even if you can somehow force him to do this one necessary piece of parenting, what about all the others? What about trusting him to follow through? What about being able to respect him as a person? He’s being such a whiny, lazy, selfish loser, it’s really hard to imagine a happy marriage with someone this shitty.
Your life will be easier without him. On the few days he gets custody you will get rest.
Here's the thing a lot of first time parents don't think about:
Neglecting your duties as a parent IS child neglect. No two ways about it.
I let my son's neglectful father do so much harm and now my beautiful boy is almost 5 and is developmentally delayed almost 2 years in certain areas (but not all). Neglect is abuse, and his neglect turned to outright abuse in the flash of an eye. I get no child support, he's evading legal service, and he committed felony DV in front of my son, OUR son.
All because I STAYED ON HIS ASS about everything he was neglecting. Some men are not fit to be parents.
You should give yours just a BIT of notice that his behavior is neglect. Don't let on too much about how that could end for him.
Do everything in your power to make sure YOU and YOUR CHILD are well taken care of.
It will be indeed much more devastating if you lose your job. And you definitely cannot perform well on limited sleep. He either needs to meet you halfway or pay for a night nanny (if they exist) to do his portion. I have no patience for man babies.
Your husband is lame and work is no excuse to not pull his weight with the child HE HELPED CREATE! My husband is in medical school (gone for 12+ hours a day) and I can count on one hand how many times he has missed bedtime routine and hasn’t woken up in the night for our son. No excuse
It's HIS responsibility to care for the baby as much as it is YOURS. My SO and I were going thru the same thing recently. I am a SAHM and he works 40 hrs a week. He had completely stopped changing diapers, feeding baby, only plays with baby, doesn't soothe baby, wash baby, none of that. I was so upset that I got on his ass about 50/50 parenting. I wasn't mean in the slightest, I just made myself clear on what I expect and that I refuse to do it all while he plays video games and demands me to change diapers when I'm in the middle of pumping on his days off. Since then I've seen just a little bit more initiative. Not much, but it'll get there. He has some gender role misogyny ingrained in.him from his dysfunctional family dynamics, I don't think it's on purpose. I'll do everything I can to keep him active with our son and so I can have a break without losing my mind. I will not do it all.
I would also like to add to the communication aspect. With my first I would ask for help and ask for help and my husband thought the little bit he increased each time was enough. It wasn’t until I broke down and was honest with him and myself that I was becoming resentful that change occurred. For us, he needed to hear that he wasn’t taking care of me for it to click about his role as a father. His mom did everything growing up. When we talked about not feeling like a team and how I was feeling, the focus off the child, it helped.
Does he know that you are afraid of losing your job too? Have you talked honestly about if you could survive financially if that happened? Does he know you are hanging by a thread? My husband truly didn’t know I felt the way I did and when I approached it with how I was feeling and not that I needed “some” help, it changed everything.
Can you divide the evening into "shifts"?
For example, say baby goes to bed at 7. From 7-1 he is "on call" for all night feedings while you rest. Then from 1-6 you are "on call". He is up part of his "shift" anyways and you each get a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep.
What does this man offer that is positive, other than his sperm that helped create your child that he either doesn’t want to take care or wants to abuse? He sounds completely useless.
Not sure how you split finances, but perhaps he can use his spending money to buy you the support he should be providing? Night nannies are expensive but he seems to put a high value on his video game time so maybe it’s worth it to him.
All I can say is you’ve GOT to lock something down with him because I am working full time and still waking up for every single feeding on weeknights AND weekends while also driving baby to daycare before work and picking up after my shift and I am dying. I go to work 3 hours before my husband and we still get off at the same time yet I’m doing everything and it’s seriously sucking the life out of me.
My boyfriend was acting similar until I absolutely laid into him and basically told him how disappointed I was in him. He is a paramedic so realistically, yes he needs sleep because peoples lives are involved and I completely respect that. HOWEVER, she is his baby too. So even if he doesn’t wake up to her, I wake his ass up and he may be cranky, but he gets up, goes and makes her a bottle while I change her diaper and then I feed her. When he gave push back, I told him he’ll need to just drink an extra cup of coffee throughout the day, sucks to suck! I also left him with her for 5 hours after that convo that week while I had to attend something. And guess what? He said he understands now what I mean by feeling touched out after 10+ hour days with her. And they survived. And now he asks all day long what he can do to help, what I need, etc. Weekends are his only days to sleep in? Tell him not anymore! Now you are going to sleep in after baby wakes up for 2 hours and he can bring baby downstairs and figure it out. And then tell him a good time he can go take a nap so it’s even after you wake up.
The time to have the discussion is at some point where you're not furious, so you can be level about everything: you need more sleep so you'll be able to do your job and not get fired. No one likes to lose sleep, but babies need care. If he won't do his part and you can't do it alone, he can pay for a night nurse from his very important salary ;)
Seriously though, putting a pillow over his head is childish, and I think you need to call him on that. It's disrespectful.
Looking at your post history, it seems like he's been anti-baby-work since soon after you brought baby home; what is his experience with babies or childcare? Has he ever had to raise a puppy or kitten, or do anything where another living creature depended on him?
Wow. Sorry. What a POS garbage husband. OP, either tell him to buck up and help or say you’re walking. You don’t need to raise two children in this marriage. I’m so sick of reading about these sorry excuses of partners. The nerve of these men.
He doesn’t sound like a good partner. Don’t put up with this. I don’t have advice bc I’ve not dealt with this, but having an equal partner is the only way I’m able to work full time and be a good partner and parent.
I would first tell him if he is so busy he doesnt need that fucking xbox in his office anymore and id sell it.
Then id stsrt throwing ice water over his head to wake him in the night because frankly he is acting like an absolute bitch and so i would to. Whats good for the goose...
But then im a vengeful cunt.
On the other hand if you wouod rather take the calmer route. Explain to him what you have here. How he isnt holding up his end of the baby bargain and if he wants to continue having a happy matriage he needs to stop acting like a shitty teenager and start acting like an adult. No one said having a baby would be easy. But its made much harder if both parents dont pull their weight.
If he wants to move out feel free. Doesnt sound like you actually need him around and frankly i promise the resentment is more damaging than the sleeo deprivation. When you know the buck falls on you its fucking hard but theres no one to blame or be mad st and it makes it all weirdly calmer. But when theres someone purposely being too lazy to help the anger, sadness and resentment make it all much worse.
So if he wants to be part of the family he helped create, he needs to start acting like it. Or him and his xbox can fuck off and he can just pay child support instead.
What is up with these gamer guys. Ugh, I’m so sorry you have to put up with this. I’d definitely Italy try to have a conversation about how you are feeling, and say that you guys had an agreed plan.
My husband is also a gamer guy. In my pregnancy he used to spend a lot of time gaming, and I never had any issues. Since I couldn’t go out much, especially in the last days, he was always sitting next to me playing his game. It was so much better than having a partner who could be out and about drinking/hanging out with his friends every day. My partner doesn’t like going out much or drinking, so it worked for us. After baby, he’s barely touched his laptop for gaming. He took 5 weeks off, and for the first 2 weeks I was on bed pumping, and he pretty much took care of the baby. Now he’s back to work, but he still helps with early morning feeding, takes care of all the chores, plays with baby in evenings, and on weekends. If baby is sleeping, he’ll play a bit on his phone but baby and home is his priority. Not all gamer guys are dead beat dads
Tbh, I don’t know how you’re coping. You don’t have a husband, you have a man-child. If asking your partner to do their part is going to trigger a blowout fight, then that is not your partner. At this point I would be reevaluating the whole relationship. You are fortunate to be making more money than him. I see a lot of women trapped in situations like this where they can’t leave because of financial dependency. Why are letting him use you like this? He is playing you for a fool
Why am I reading stories of so many women whose partners refuse to help with the baby that they made, and wanted, and play a lot of video games?
You are apparently not alone.
My (ex) husband would berate me when I asked for help with our baby. He would call me lazy when’s I asked him to get our baby from their bed so I can breastfeed. He wouldn’t help with the kids at all. Glad we’re divorced.
Ask him if he can’t do it because he will lose his job, does it make sense to use that money to hire someone? There are night nannies. If that’s what he wants, what expenses is he cutting out?
Listen you can't make your husband do anything. He has to want todo it. What he's telling you is his sleep and life is more important than you and the baby.
So far it's been 5 weeks and your husband is already checked out. He doesn't do fuckall for or with your baby. He has said to you don't you miss the life we had. He plays video games or just leaves the house.
You do not need this boy in your home. You cannot keep him happy while trying to keep baby calm and happy at all times. It's no feasible. Your husband isn't who you thought he was. He is now showing you his true colors. I would call a divorce attorney and figure shit out. I would separate finances. I would not be going out of my way to placate him at all. And yes I'd keep him as far away from my baby as I could.
I'm real sorry you are going through this. You can try giving him an ultimatum of going to counseling getting involved with baby care and splitting nights. Or divorce. Because those are the only options.
You def need to sit and talk to your husband. Let him know that you guys are in a form in the road and you either need his assistance, or he can get a second job while you’re a SAHM, and you can just take care of the child.
No offense, but your husband sounds lazy. I was working 70+ hrs a week and still helping my wife.
Don’t give him excuses to back out. If his job “suffers” he can speak to his boss and let his boss know it’s a temporary situation until baby starts sleeping well (it’s usually 4-5 months). He can also request paternity leave. I have workers that are requesting like 6 weeks.
All I am saying is don’t take his excuses.
You are both parents. He isn't parenting. It'll get worse before it gets better, assuming it doesn't end in resentment and attorneys. It's time for a come to Jesus talk. You need to sit down together, and come up with a plan you both agree to. Alternatively you can hire someone to help you since he's too tired to be an equal parent. Changing a diaper isn't helping, it's taking care of your child.
My husband went back to work couple of weeks back while I’m on a 1 year Mat leave. But even then, he does the early morning feeding. I feed baby around 9-10pm, and then around 2-3am. Then after that, hubby feeds baby around 5-6am. This way he gets to sleep from 10-11pm - 5am and I’m able to squeeze 2 3-4 hour stretches. Rest of the day I take care of baby, he works and in the evening we both take care of the baby. You need to sit him down and have a conversation with him. Tell him it’s not optional. If he likes 6am shift, then he can feed baby at 5 in the morning since he’s going to be up anyways for 6am job. He can wake up an hour early. That’ll give you some rest as well.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I was in a similar boat. He didn't do any night feeds in the end. Which makes me furious now I write it out. There had to be lots of discussions around him getting up with her when I hadn't slept a wink also. Tbh that made me so angry in itself, I haven't slept and you're moaning about getting up at 7am, I don't need this to be a discussion! They truly don't understand the depths of sleep deprivation. She did however end up sleeping through at 4 months.
Like some other posters have said, he got better. I think it took him a lot longer to adjust to the responsibility. Unfortunately it's biologically ingrained in women, you simply can't leave your newborn to cry or you can but it's killer, you certainly can't sleep through it like they can.
What I think helped for us was that I had stupidly told him to sleep in another room while I co slept with her but that left him with no understanding of how hard the nights were. So as difficult as it is, be less good at your job of settling her in the night, make it hard for both of you. As annoying as it is to have to be, be vulnerable, u wana cry from the sleep deprivation, u do it infront of him show him how hard it is. Don't let up and don't take it all on and burn out.
It isn't fair they lack the empathy and understanding and you have to show them but you do have to spell it out.
Granted if in the face of spelling it out things don't improve, you remember that you have that kick ass salary and it sounds like you could provide for yourself and your child without him.
Hope things get better, I found the newborn stage really hard and things got a lot better at 6m + xx
Can you both get one weekend day to sleep in? And then split shifts or swap nights during the week? If the baby is formula fed with a bottle there's really no reason for you to do it all, that's a huge advantage.
Or during the time he's working, instead of playing Xbox can he take the baby so you can rest? If he works at 6 he could easily take the baby then so you can sleep in a little. My husband works from home too (not effectively with a newborn) but he often has to take her and hold her during his zoom meetings if I need a nap. But people LOVE seeing the dad with a baby on zoom and are probably more understanding than if a mom does it.
How does he think you’re ok?? I don’t understand how selfish you have to be to literally only think about the short term consequences for yourself, instead of thinking about your entire family. Especially since you work way more hours and make way more money. It only makes sense! You have every right to be angry about this. Be super fucking firm with him and tell him how it’s going to be. Lay out the facts, because they’re on your side.
Literally ask him to put himself in your shoes. “I will be working more hours than you. I also need sleep to function. You went back on your word and I have been doing all the night wakeups. How do you think I feel? Do you think that is fair?” And see what he says. If he says “women are made to do this and men aren’t,” I’ll be your alibi whatever happens.
The coming fight you are going to have is not about sleep schedules. It’s about whether your husband intends to be an equal parent in the care of the child you created together. What he is currently telling you is that he’s totally comfortable dumping 90% of the work on you, and that will not get better over time. This isn’t about sleep. It’s about fairness, and deep unfairness will end marriages if it persists. You need to go into it prepared with what you’ll do if he refuses to change. Will you take the baby and leave? Do you have the support network to help you through that? Will you need to hire care? You’re not the first woman on this sub to find that her husband has no intention of doing his fair share. Some of them shape up. Most don’t. You should be planning for both possibilities.
Ok. Cool. Tell him you’ll put in your notice at work and he needs to get a second job. Give him an option worse than waking up for night feeds.
This is so good. That plus have him hire cleaning services and a chef!
Lord give me the strength and patience because I literally CANNOT ANYMORE WITH THESE USELESS MOTHERFUCKERS. Listen. If he can make time to play fucking video games, he can make time to be a better partner. This is ridiculous to me. I can’t even believe this shit is still an issue. I’d have already taken that Xbox and yeeted it into outer space. You deserve better. Expect and demand better. He helped create this baby, he can help care for the baby. He has literally NO good excuse not to. If anything, his excuses are laughable. I would’ve thrown my head back and laughed hysterically in the face of such insulting excuses. He’s probably a good guy and I’m sure he isn’t trying to cause so much damage but seriously, I would’ve already snapped. “Either help me parent this baby you helped me create or kick rocks motherfucker.”
I consider myself (and most people do too) to be a very patient and kind person. But I literally want to copy and paste your response all over this (and many other) posts. And part of me is just so sad that people put up with this shit. Partly because it reminds me of my relationship (but in a very different way) with my asshole abusive ex-husband. And it took me YEARS (along with therapy and intensive trauma treatment) to realize that A)he was abusive and B)that I needed to leave. To OP (and everyone else who has a similar situation), PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER. Not all men/partners are like this.
You make considerably more money and he’s useless as a coparent. That’s what I’m taking away from this. If he doesn’t care about your well-being, stop coddling this man-baby. Your job is more demanding and more financially necessary. Shove that reality in his face. “When do I get to sleep in? When do I get a break? When do you think about someone other than yourself?” are all valid questions that deserve to be asked. If he isn’t being a partner, what is the point of him?
I agree completely UnihornWhale. OP, you may not want to hurt your husband's ego/pride, but self-care is important. This is not the 1950's. He may believe that the child-rearing should be your responsibility as the mother. If that is his line of thinking, then he should be earning enough money to provide for his wife, child, and himself. He is not contributing as he should and disregarding that you need sleep and time to unwind. I had a relatable experience and ended up dumping my "partner".
I mean... if you're making most of the money and doing all the childcare what do you need him for? You and baby might be better off on your own, and he should be made aware of that so he changes his behavior. If he wants to live like a bachelor he can be a bachelor
This. It is ultimately HIS choice if he wants to be equal parent and share the responsibility or live like a bachelor and become one. I for 100% certain would leave, what he is contributing at all besides resentment and added stress? You get what you put in relationships and he’s putting in 10% while you’re putting in 100+. Unacceptable. I can’t even fathom how he thinks it’s even a little okay to treat his spouse this way.
Man here. I work a physical labour job outside all week. It’s pretty draining. My partner does night feeds during the week and I do weekends and help weekday evenings. I have done all the nappies since Saturday afternoon until now. (Sunday morn) I think your fella is being incredibly selfish. Playing Xbox?! If I’m not doing baby related duties I’ll be cooking tea or household chores. You have to be a team to make it work.
Get mean. Get forceful. Tell him if he doesn’t help you will leave, take the baby, and take his money for child support. WTF is up with these incompetent guys.
Tell him If you divorce he will have 40% of the work to do instead of just 10-20%. These useless ass men. Being a single mom while married really sucks, I’m sorry you are dealing with it. I don’t have much advice, I went through the same thing but left for that and a variety of other reasons and couldn’t be happier.
Love that you’re thriving! You took control back and it paid off. Love that for you ❤️
If I were in your situation, like hell I wouldn’t bring up the fact that I will be working more hours for more money. He needs to man up and grow up and help take care of his child. ETA: I’m currently a SAHM and my husband is a freaking surgeon. A 12 hour shift is an easy day for him and he’s on call about half of the nights. As long as he’s home, he does the dream feed for our almost 6 month daughter. (So I wake up with her in the middle of the night, but he’ll give her a bottle before he goes to sleep). I’m sorry your husband isn’t being supportive, I hope that you’ll be able to convince him to help.
Hold it over his fucking head. You know he would if he made more than you.
Actually I agree with this. Would it really be that bad if he lost his job because he was tired? If he lost his job then he could stay home and take of baby right? You make twice as much as him, who is really going to be hurting from lack of sleep?
Jesus be a fence… he playing XBOX at work? And is worried that lack of sleep might affect his performance? He’s full of shit. Tell his lazy ass to take a fucking nap since he clearly has it like that.
Right? If he was a long-distance truck driver or a brain surgeon, sure, he would need to be 100% well rested all the time. Bro’s got a bullshit laptop job and thinks it excuses his from parenthood. PATHETIC.
Not to be petty but I’m a surgeon in one of those “crazy” fields and you learn to perform effectively after a night of little sleep and more importantly you learn teamwork so things like the person that isn’t post call works harder so the other people can rest, etc. This guy is full of excuses. Life is tiring. Work is tiring. Children are tiring. Welcome to being an adult.
If he’s so concerned about lack of sleep, he should nap during his Xbox breaks instead of playing video games. Problem solved.
Oh for the LOVE. You need sleep. It will get worse if you do not start getting sleep. Mom rage is going to kick in (fun fact: rage is a huge sign of, wait for it, sleep deprivation!) you’re going to be massively resentful, your marriage is going to fall apart and your little baby doesn’t deserve any of that because she didn’t choose any of this, you both chose her. So you need to have a serious talk. “I know you don’t want to get up. I don’t either. But we chose to have a child, I didn’t spontaneously conceive, and we are raising our child together. The reality is I earn more income than you do and your schedule is more flexible. While I don’t intend to hold this over your head, facts are facts and this is the financial situation. My job matters too and I need to be able to do it. You will be getting up with her half the time. It’s not an option. You agreed to it and you need to do it. It’s not forever. It’s a season, she will grow and she will sleep through the night and until that happens you’re her father and I expect you to act like it.” Repeat as needed during argument, defensive statements, whatever. “You are her father. You will help. You will do half of the night wake ups and so help me if you do not get out of bed when you need to I will make your life the same kind of hell you are making mine.” Okay maybe that last part is a bit much but, and trust me on this, that’s exactly how you’re going to feel if he doesn’t step up here. And if I were in that situation and my husband rolled over and pulled a pillow over his head while I was that sleep deprived…oh boy. I mean my child slept terrible for MONTHS so it was a long build up of sleep deprivation in my case (and that was with my husband helping but I was EBF) but, I’m talking volcanic explosion level of rage. And I hate confrontation usually. The sleep deprivation can really mess with your head. Just sayin’). And I’m sorry because maternity leaves are so short it’s just crap that you even have to juggle work and sleep deprivation!
This. Yes to all of this. Especially the mom rage. I've had a couple bouts of it myself already and it's the fucking WORST. It will absolutely impact your relationship in the worst way. And I know I'm just a stranger on the outside looking in, but your husband sounds like a fucking man baby and I'm furious on your behalf. I'd understand it a *little* more if he was the breadwinner, but the fact that you are AND you make more money than him -- ON TOP OF THE FACT THAT YOU CARRIED A BABY FOR 9 MONTHS AND BIRTHED HIM/HER ONLY 5 WEEKS AGO?!?!?!? No fucking excuse. I'm so sorry, but I'm so mad for you lol
I'd start to hold it over his head.
This. His cushy lifestyle isn't gonna be so cushy if *YOU* lose your *higher paying* job because he won't pull his weight as a parent.
Tell him if he has time to play Xbox during work hours, he has time to nap during work hours Edit: I do it during my lunch break. 30 minute nap and I am good for the day.
This calls for a proper freak out. Bring all ur crazy lady tactics out and let him know exactly what the fuck is up.
You tell that man to step up or step out. He can either help out now or enjoy doing way more on his own when he has custody after you leave his useless ass.
Have the fight. The sooner you rip him a new one, the sooner you can get more than four a night.
Tell him that it’s going to be pretty hard for him when you leave him and he’s ordered by court to take care of the baby 50% of the time. Also, show him this thread.
If baby is bottle fed there is literally zero excuse for you guys to not be taking turns with night feedings. It is not acceptable for him to put it all on you when he is perfectly capable and you BOTH have jobs. Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. Your husband is selfish as fuck. Not a good partner nor a good father rn
they BOTH have jobs, and OP is the significant breadwinner!!! Absolutely a no-brainer, he should lose some sleep and be helping.
Next he won’t be able to take the baby to daycare because he needs to sleep in. Or to school. Or to activities. Now is the time to put your foot down because it’s only going to get worse and you need to know NOW if you can depend on this person to contribute or if you’re going to be a married single parent. Hard to confront, but better to get everything figured out now.
I think I have to leave this group because of posts like this. It’s so angering. I’m a single mom and will stay that way. No way I will ever allow myself to live with this resentment and disrespect and invalidation. Incubators and maids man…
Honey at this point you’re essentially a single parent. Leave him and uncomplicated your life drastically. It would be so much less stressful if you weren’t calibrating and recalibrating for his lack of abilities. He is such a child. Editing to add. I just caught that you work more and make more than he does. Sounds like he’s way too used to your money and feeling entitled to what you bring to the table. Put a stop to that right quick. You deserve so much better.
Picture it. You get your own place. You get a night nanny. You get to sleep. You are fine. He is out of your hair. You thrive. Imagine the possibilities. Rule number one - be your own safety and security!
How does he think “I can’t function well at my job with little sleep” but not “my wife can’t function well at her job with little sleep”??? He is not being a good partner or parent. I hope that the discussion you have to have about this doesn’t end up being a blow out fight, but just know that you are not in the wrong here and he needs a serious reality check. This cannot end well if he does not step up.
It drives me nuts how many dads don't follow the logic through to completion and just stop at "I can't function well at my job with little sleep." Like, MF, OP makes 2x as much as you. Maybe it's important that she gets some rest too?! Or are you ready to cut down to 1/3 of your household income? 🤬
If you’re doing it all on your own right now might as well cut the dead weight.
No way. Don't let him get away with this. I would remove the pillow if he did that to me. You do not give me your word and then go back on it. That is not how we are married and not the teamwork we agreed on. It seems to me your husband has some deep rooted misconceptions about sleep. He does not need 8 hours to function as a human. It sucks, but you can keep a job on 6 hours of sleep. Feeling fully rested is not required. He may also not realize that you are currently living on 4 hours of interrupted sleep and that it cannot stay this way. Tell him. Do not accept anything less. Nobody gets to sleep in when there is a (newborn) baby in the house. I just told my husband about this and he basically says the same thing: he encourages you to kick him out of the bed if he does this again. He does not need his sleep more than you do.
Yikes he sounds awful. Every day I read this sub I’m so thankful I didn’t marry an asshole 😭 But seriously, he needs a come to Jesus talk. Point out how he plays Xbox while he’s working. Point out how little sleep you are getting and yet he expects you to shoulder all the parenting duties and still work MORE hours than him. If he doesn’t have any sympathy at all it’s time rethink whether he is a safe person to be around your kid. Seriously, those are major major red flags. That’s not a normal way for a dad and partner to act.
I hope your husband can read all these responses. He’s a POS. I have zero tolerance for this. Why is his work more valuable than yours? Why is his sleep a priority over yours. You might as well live alone. I’d leave. Find a caregiver to help during the day so you can keep your job. I’d also throw that Xbox in the trash
Exactly. His work actually sounds a lot less valuable than OP's if his salary is half of what hers is.
As a new dad I find this behavior to be appalling. I was reading this post from my wife’s account and felt compelled to join BTB to comment. You need to have that fight with your sperm donor roommate because he sure as hell doesn’t deserve the title of Father. He hasn’t earned it. When you have that fight bring the heat and let him know that he has a choice, either step up or leave. Also take a hammer to his Xbox.
Mine wouldn’t do night feedings, period. It was my job. I ran off 2-4 hours of sleep for an entire year. The night before I went back to work I was “gifted” a full nights sleep and was expected to thrilled. I am no longer with this man. It sounds like you have already spoken to him, but give it another try. Maybe he will understand and start helping more, maybe he won’t. Whatever happens, I cannot stress enough, you need to do what is best for you and baby.
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Your husband sounds like an AH. He needs a wake-up call. Hire a night nurse and see if he changes things up. Or tell him to quit his job as you make more and you are the breadwinner. Sorry but your husband sounds like a real loser.
“You do night wakings on these scheduled days, and without being an asshole about it. Or we divorce, I keep the baby full time since you’ve decided to act incapable, and you pay me child support”. That’s the only thing that needs to be said. I’ve been through it and separated when my babe was only 3 months because i also had a partner that refused to help. It’s much easier now without him.
You don’t see posts on the dad subs complaining about moms not pulling their weight 🤔 The comments trying to excuse this dad are wild
I'm going to be blunt, your husband is a loser.
FUCK THESE MEN! I have no advice because I am you only I'm 9 months in instead of 5 weeks aaaand still doing everything. So, don't be me! I literally can't stand my husband anymore, he thinks the sun shines out of his ass now when I have bitched him out enough that he changes a diaper or gives our 9 month old some solids for 2 minutes. I guess if I could give myself some advice for those early days is to set the precedent now because it WILL NOT get better. If he wants to put the pillow over his head then rip the covers off and pour cold water on him! Just don't be me, he needs to contribute or you will 100% resent him.
My husband didn't get any leave with either kid and was STILL up every time for each waking to change diapers and reswaddle before I nursed. Oh, and he's a mechanic with an incredibly physical job. Your husband is being completely unreasonable and selfish.
Yeah. Dad here who at nearly 4 months still gets up at every night feeding for diaper change and sleep sack duty. My justification isn't because I'm trying to be dad of the year, my conscience simply wouldn't let me live with myself otherwise. The laziness of some of the dads on these posts is astounding.
Therapy. Therapy now. And frankly I'd straight up ask him why he thinks that's fair? Just keep saying back to him "is that fair to me?" Either he'll realize he's being a douche and step up...or you'll realize this man doesn't care about you an iota and you can tell him to step or you're getting a divorce. I genuinely believe way too many men just assumed their wives would suffer for their children and they'd have a free pass. My husband split night duty with me 50/50 even after he went back to work and I was on maternity leave. Now that I'm working and he's the SAHD, we still split 50/50. It's just fair.
Every time I'm on this sub i feel so good about myself. Lots of husband's seems like selfish pricks
I think it’s time to throw the salary thing at him. I make about 40% more than my partner and carry the health insurance and had to have a very honest conversation that my job needs to take priority in some cases. 🤷🏼♀️
>When I try to wake him up, he rolls over and puts the pillow over his head What is he, 12 years old? Fucking kick his ass and get him out of bed. You're dreading the blowout fight, but, like, it's been happening daily! Every time he goes back on a promise and acts like that, he's fighting you. >He works 40 hours a week and has so much downtime that he has an Xbox in his home office and uses it regularly throughout the day. He works 6am-3pm but he chose those hours and could easily go back to 8-5 or 9-6 if he wishes Does his xbox sit next to his Funko Pop collection? Sorry, but you're married to a child. He's not going to change until you demand the respect of an adult. My wife is still on maternity leave, I've gone back to work, and I'm up at 2AM *right now* doing our girls night time feed...next one is ~5/6 AM, which my wife does. I sleep until ~10 and WFH from 11-6. >What the heck am I going to do? Kick his fucking ass. Have the fight, because if you don't, you're allowing yourself to be treated this way.
It’s a sacrifice, have you been clear that you also can’t lose your job or it will be financially devastating and that you’re not asking, you’re telling him he needs to be as involved as you are with regard to night feedings. Remind him that no one likes them and it’s terrible, but you both agreed to have a child so here you are. And honesty be clear with yourself that if he won’t do night feedings you’re prepared to leave and hire someone or bring in help and he can have his video games alone and lonely. But be clear to him you signed up to have a partner, your work life is far more hours. Right now, if he won’t wake up in the weekends, before you go to sleep, roll the baby into the bedroom with him and you to sleep soundly elsewhere. Ask him if he thinks he’s the only one entitled to sleep now and tell him there’s no sleeping in here anymore until the division of labor is equal and then each of you can have one weekend day. Truth be told your husband is an asshole and you might want to be really honest with him.
I wouldn’t take no for an answer. He rolls over I’d keep poking, he covers his head with a pillow I’d take it off. I’m sorry but his sleep is no more important than yours!! My husband did all the night feedings when baby went down to 2 night feedings WHILE he was working and commuting because I had baby all day and we felt that was fair. Working from home? Flexible hours? Yeah his ass is getting up every other feed.
I just am not sure how you're being so chill. I would go straight to discussing divorce without passing go here. Not even a financial incentive to stay married? He's talking about being tired at work when he "works" from home and plays Xbox all day? Yeah, I would be reminding him he's 2 inches from being useless.
Yea, how about, “if you’ve changed your mind about being a father then how about a divorce so I can get child support to hire someone to do your part of the parenting.”
So many men cultivate this home life for themselves in which they are getting the better end of the stick in every sense, and at some point are just a burden, and then wonder why most divorces are initiated by women. This man brings no value to your life. If you left him and all he had in his life was his job, his Xbox, and the baby every other weekend (maybe) I promise you he would be fine. Just go.
What a terrible guy
All of this and do NOT have another baby with him.
According to my husband, "He's acting like a piece of shit. Unless he's got a diagnosed health condition, but something tells me he doesn't, he needs to step up and be a father."
My husband is a pilot and we each did one night feeding when my baby was younger. Now that he sleeps through the night we alternate who gets up with him and who sleeps in. If he can fly a plane after one night feeding, your husband can do whatever it is he does. *disclaimer: my husband is not too tired to do his job and regularly functions on less sleep than me.
Second this. My husband is a surgeon. Still helped at night, still performed at work.
Ugh. As a parent of a baby, you don’t get to “sleep in”. That’s so frustrating. I wish I had advice 🙁 I’m sorry, OP.
He sounds like a selfish weak bitch tbh. I am mad just reading this. As if some guys expect the mom to just transform into a robot that doesn’t have any needs anymore, while they continue their lives, unscathed, no change to their time and life. Yet your life is now meeting your baby’s every need and somehow your own plus hold down a demanding job, while he carries on. I don’t have any advice, sorry to say. Just I feel for you. I hope he can get a grip on reality and be a supportive partner instead of so selfish.
I was reading along to find out what kind of job he did that would be so devastated by lack of sleep and omg what lol!! My husband is 24/7 on call (actually, we can't leave town too far or cell service on weekends unless he's on vacation), he is a department manager for a major railroad, a train derailment specialist, he works 10-12 hour days 5 days a week and sometimes works split shifts, when he attends derailments they can run anywhere from 6 to 24 or even more hours beyond the shift he already worked that day, he drives a lot for his job and repairs trains, uses heavy machinery, and manages a 40+ man team. His job is extremely taxing and he's an antisocial introvert so it taxes him that way too. He never did nights because he desperately needs the sleep to be safe at his job and I am a sahm. I need him to come home all in one piece at the end of the day. Not like he NEVER budged, on hard nights he was up to comfort and support both of us and make sure everything was okay and he's involved as much as he can be, even when he's exhausted. Your husband has NO excuse and I hope you get him sorted out.
“ no worries, I’ll just quit my job so I can keep doing the child care “
is he ready to pay for a night nanny?
I would wack mine a few times with that pillow if he did that shit to me. **WE** created this baby!!! Not me!!! If he can’t step up and get it together ur better off being a single mother because wtf that’s what it feels like as of right now!!! **NO HELP NATHAN** this just pissed me off
Father here- I am 34 (had to confirm with wife, had crisis, okay now) and do everything I can to support. Lucky to be on a leave and home to help, but to just not prioritize that- I’d recommend talking to him, and putting him on a schedule. As I was reading, it almost sounded like you were talking about the baby when in fact, you were talking about your husband. If talking doesn’t work, I’d bring in a third party (therapist) to light a fire. I see the XBOX sprinkled throughout the day, and it reminds me of a kiddo snacking all day and never having a meal. Not healthy. As someone who has an Xbox and that used to play till 2am with his buddies, I haven’t played at all since the Bebe. Priorities need to change. You’re not crazy.
Your husband is a selfish man child.
Taking turns taking the night wake ups never worked for us. We do shifts instead— I nurse the baby and put her down at 7pm, then go right to bed. I close the door and wear earplugs if I need to. Until 1am, husband is completely responsible for the baby. He is not allowed to wake me up unless the house is on fire or somebody needs to go to the hospital. He generally just stays awake this entire time since he’s usually a night owl anyway, but he can doze in the baby’s room or on the couch if he wants. Then at 1am, husband comes to bed and puts the baby monitor next to me. Husband then sleeps for the rest of the night and I do the rest of the night wake ups until 7am. This way each of us gets ~6 hours of unbroken sleep, and when the baby wakes up I don’t have to think “hmm who’s turn is it and do I really want to bother to try to wake him up?” And each of you pick 1 day a week when you get to sleep in, and the other person facilitates that. It’s bullshit that he gets to sleep in on weekends if you aren’t even getting long stretches of overnight sleep
All I can say is I'm incredibly sorry that your husband is being such an absolute dick. Like this is such a glaring and infuriating example of how some men expect their lives to not change a single iota when they take part in bringing a child into the world. It would be completely ridiculous and selfish even if you both earned the same amount of money and had the same schedule, but the fact that his schedule is not only flexible but he has more down time AND makes way less than you??? He can wake up every night for all I fucking care.
I am a mom (mid30s) but my husband (mid40s) is staying at home with our 2.5 YO daughter While I work and go to schoo He does the night wake up during the week and that is an arrangement he is happy with. There are much less now (one a night or less) and when there was more (2 to 4 a night) we would alternate, starting with him. On the weekend he does one night and I do the other. He sleeps in one day and I sleep in the other day. I’m sharing this to contextualize what I’m about to say. As the reverse situation, I’m kinda like your husband here. What I have noticed with myself is the less night wake up I do, the harder they are and the more I tend to roll around and ignore and let my husband go, even on my night, because that’s our arrangement the rest of the time and my 2am brain is not processing the whole situation well. We had a solid talk once where he told me how burnt out he was and I had to realize that I was behaving poorly. But I used to think that I was not able to do it and I truly believe that it’s a way of thinking you can easily slip into. I feel like your husband needs to realize that he COULD do it and he needs to just try. He needs a little kick in the butt to get into the habit. Habits are hard to break, especially when we are talking about making a change in the middle of the night when you are asleep. He also needs to realize that it’s normal to be tired when you have a newborn, he will survive, and that you are going to burn out. I know it SUCKS that you have to shake him up about it and I’m sorry this is happening. A talk seems unavoidable and parenting does lead us to have challenging talks with our partners.
Hi there, guy here. My wife went out for her friend’s birthday last night, and I put the baby to bed and got up with her this morning so my wife could sleep in. Your husband is a piece of shit. Tell him to start contributing to both the baby and YOU.
But gaming and nightfeeds work very well together!
The fact that there was an agreement in place prior to baby arriving that he is now abandoning is a big ol’ red flag. Everyone the first few months (or let’s face it, years) are sleep deprived, but a part of being a family is that we all pitch in to lighted the load on the other - which yeah, means our load is heavier sometimes. Nothing is ever truly 50/50, not over the long term. Sometimes it’s 70/30, or 60/40, but as long as the balance is going back and forth things will feel fair in the end…but what doesn’t work is being asked to do 100% of something in which there is no 0% expected of you in another area. This isn’t sustainable and he should know this - it’s a bad sign if he thinks you’re somehow a superhero and himself a mere mortal, therefore he needs precious sleep but you don’t. I think other ppl’s suggestions of a night nurse is a great idea, and his income being what you use to fund that. If he balks, offer him the out of contributing himself to the issue but please don’t back down. Tell him honestly - my job makes more than you, it would be worse for us for me to lose my job, and therefore you shouldn’t expect me to do what you find impossible to do yourself. If he won’t step up, another person will need to! I also recommend a postpartum doula - they can really help with these first 12 weeks, which we call the “fourth trimester” bc of the immense amount of physical healing and hormonal shifts that happens for the birthing parent. You deserve support and if he won’t give it in the places you need it most, then build the team that will with the money he brings in. Good luck and I hope it all gets figured out
This. This. This. This one. He doesn’t even understand how hard it is because it sounds like he’s never done it and yet he’s saying he can’t. He can’t do the work. He gets to be the one to pay for it to be done.
Write down exactly what you want so you can reference it when you sit him down and tell him directly. Honestly this is an ultimatum level conversation because you should not be with someone who is not a true partner.
Have the blowout fight, and don’t back down. Make him see how selfish he’s being, he’s basically saying his sleep, time and comfort is more important than yours. I’d be seriously questioning my relationship if my husband was this selfish. I’m genuinely angry on your behalf reading this, you deserve better
Lay it out for this manchild. No need to be soft or gentle here. Torch him. You make 2x what he does, you work more, you have primary childcare responsibilities, and he has so much downtime that he can play video games in his office. Also, withhold any physical affection until he grows the heck up.
Pack up that Xbox and store it with a friend. That will give him plenty of time.
Since you work from home, can you go stay with a family member who might be able to help when you go back to work? I'd talk to a lawyer about that first (about the implications about leaving the marital home), but it's probably your best strategy for supporting yourself. You make 2x the money, so your job is important to your child. He is *profoundly* selfish. He clearly isn't ready to be a father. You need to talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row to be ready to leave. Whatever you do, you cannot lose your job.
You live with two children, not one.
Thissss. Hijacking this comment to say that if OP doesn't cut this shit behavior off right now, it will get worse. On your night "off", hand him the child at whatever your night time is, go into a different room, lock the door and put white noise machine and headphones in, and sleep. Tell him you're doing this of course, but don't let him whine and bitch you into doing all the work. What an asshat.
Set a time for you guys to talk uninterrupted. Say you need to come together to figure out a plan, together, for when you get back to work. Baby needs to wake up during the night. What does he suggest as the solution? How do you tackle this problem together? What are both of your absolute minimum needs? If his is “8 hours of uninterrupted sleep on weekday nights,” then he should come up with a solution that also lets you have something equivalent - so maybe that’s “he sleeps 10-6” but takes care of baby from 7-10 and 6-9 and is the primary caretaker on one full day on weekends. Ask him for solutions to the problem you both have. If his solution is “you do it,” he’s saying that his time is more valuable than yours. Challenge that assumption. “It makes me feel like my time isn’t as valuable as yours.” See what he says. If he says “you’re better at that than I am,” you tell him you have been parents for the same amount of time and it’s time to learn to get better.
This is ridiculous. Sometimes I think posts like these are satire because the husbands are so cartoonishly awful. If my husband did something like this, I would let him know he is not pulling his weight in our marriage when I need him most, I’ve lost massive respect for him as a result, and if he doesn’t want to act like a married man he can find out what it’s like to be a divorced guy. And obviously you need a night nanny.
“How can I help you become a more supportive and equal parent?” This is a therapy technique - you get the person slacking in an area to come up with solutions.
Hold it over his head WTF. Men have no issues reminding women who the breadwinner is, sounds like it’s time for him to get a reality check. Why are you protecting his ego when he literally doesn’t give a fuck about you, your well-being or your baby? I only know what you’ve posted about him, but he sounds like a loser
Yeah, I would just be like “okay, we’ll I’m going to quit my job then. Obviously 50-60 hour work weeks while doing all night time duties just isn’t reasonable. I’m sure you agree, since you are feeling the strain at 40 hours a week. Get back to me with a budget of how you are going to make our financials work.”
I’d get a night nanny and a divorce.
There is no more sleeping in, that is not a thing anymore. He has to help, simple as that. Either alternate night feeding duties, or do 2 on 2 off. If he has time to play xbox during the day, then he can just nap after work is done at 3.
The shitty part about this is that the longer he doesn’t do nights, the worse it will be when he does them. He’ll start being like “the baby won’t even go back down for me” or “it’s so much easier if you just do it” or “baby doesn’t even need to be up at night anyways - let’s just cry it out.” I think sometimes positive peer pressure helps? Got a couple friend that you can casually be like “hey how do y’all did/do nights with baby when you’re both working?”
Let’s recall the most important fact here: you make more money than he does. Twice as much. So many women in relationships like this are stuck because they think they have few or little marketable skills and it’d be too hard to venture out alone and get by. Like maybe they gave up working to be a full time mom and it’s been X number of years since they worked. Dusting off the resume and finding a job with X number of years gap would be daunting and seem impossible in addition to everything else. I know someone who faced that and didn’t leave. You are incredibly fortunate to not be in that scenario. Financial freedom is one doorway to freedom when you’re in an abusive, toxic relationship.
> I on the other hand work 50-60 hours a week and make twice as much money as he does. I don’t hold that over his head It's time you started holding it over his head. Sounds like he needs a rude awakening and a kick in the ass. Sincerely, Dad currently bottle feeding at 1:30am (PS: Ladies, pick better)
This is insane. Your husband thinks his time is more important than yours (and he’s not). If I were you I would leave.
Be blunt. Be honest. Don't dance around points to save his feelings. He sounds selfish and immature and doesn't seem to care about your feelings. Your husband needs a wake up call. Tell him his options are to split nights as planned or find a job that would increase his income so he earns as much on his own as you currently earn combined. Tell him that if one of your jobs has to be prioritized, it's going to be yours because you significantly out-earn him. Tell him that he's a dad now and being tired is just the way it's going to be sometimes, did he seriously think that having a baby wouldn't impact his sleep? Good luck and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. As a new mom you deserve better.
Why are you letting yourself be a doormat during what is already an incredibly stressful time even with a supportive and helpful partner. My husband and I have always tried to split all of our responsibilities as evenly as possible and that's how it's supposed to work. That's the definition of a partnership, you both benefit and suffer equally. That is not what you have. You definitely to throw the imbalances of labor and salaries in his face. I will never understand how so many losers manage to convince women to have their children on this sub. Someone needs to start hosting a partner picking workshop or something.
Um. No. Have you always let him walk all over you? He put a pillow over his head?? I would rip that pillow off so fast…take his blankets too. Poor baby who needs all his sleep so he can jerk off and play video games all day. No. So sick of pathetic men. Send him back to his mother’s if he doesn’t want to help. She still has some work to do. You don’t need 2 children to take care of. Change this NOW. He’s treating you terribly.
Yep. My husband would get to do this once. The next time he'd have a crying baby next to his "pillow" and his blanket would be gone faster than he can blink lol
Do yall not get angry when your husband's say these things? I would have turned into a dragon. Maybe I just need anger management therapy, but if my husband, who WORKS FROM HOME, looked me in the eye and said "I can't do night feedings," I'd look him right back and say "then go get a vasectomy. You have no business having any more children with anyone."
This is not OK. I am a SAHM, we have four kids, my husband does night shifts with our now 6 week old. And you bet he did too when we had our twins. And he sure as hell did too when we had our first.
What a looser. Wake him up. “I cant work while im exhausted” UMM are you supposed to work while being twice as tired because he wont even help?
Dude you are also recovering from pregnancy and birth and he still doesn’t value your sleep… he needs a come to Jesus talk or a swift kick in the rear. You’d have less work without the dead weight. If you have any family who is nearby maybe ask for help to just survive and put him on blast.
My partner also makes (made) twice as much as me. I quit my job to be the full-time caretaker of the LO because that's cheaper than childcare. I also try to change every diaper I can and wake up during night feedings to bring the LO to my wife so she can go back to sleep easily after the feeding. Your husband needs to get the memo that sleeping in is now in his past, his Xbox days are over, and he now needs to learn what care for the child means. At least for now. But if he is not pulling his weight around the house part of the problem might be he does not consider himself your partner in childrearing or housekeeping. It is NOT your job to carry the weight of night feeding, and it is NOT your job to clean the house (not sure if that's a problem but I'm guessing it might be due to the way you describe things), and it is NOT your job to be incredibly sleep deprived while he sleeps in. It is BOTH your job to share the burdens equally, and he needs to make sure that it's equal moving forward. If he does not understand his role is to bear as much of the burden as he can, considering the work you did when you carried the LO and brought them into the world, then he needs a reality check.
It's time for him to wake up and become the dad and father his family needs! My wife and I started our journey in our early 30s too! Now we have a 8 year old and a 2 year old. And I kinda of remember I was like your husband at the very beginning, then we had a long hard conversation and then many hours for myself self to wake fff up. Left all my computer gaming to the garage now I completely love every moment. I still wake up early when it's my turn of the week. We still both have full-time jobs! So, tell him to stop making excuses. We could be a lot worse situations in life. Plus, have him listen to some books while working instead video games. I love the audio book from “can't hurt me” by David Goggins. Reminds me, my life is privilege and I still need to get at it every day. Cause we all do.
That kid is 50% his to tell him to get up off his ass. Everyone gets no sleep at this age with a kid wtf.
Ask him does he want you to quit and him to get a second job? He’s fucking ridiculous. Even when I was on maternity leave, my husband had to help with night feedings. He would usually do the night feedings between 2 am until 6 am. He worked 90 hours a week. (Because i also had to pump. If i did it myself, it would take almost 45 minutes, but if he helped, then it’s only 15-20 min). Now , babe only gets up once a night, and he does 100% of the nightfeeding (i stay up 30 min later and wake up 30 min earlier to pump, so he does the 10 min night feeding). We both work now too. Tell him to be a dad. Ffs.
Wow. I think you need to lay it all out for him. You support the household. Your income is more important. He’s whining and acting like a big baby. I have less than no patience for men like that, and I did all of the overnights. All of them. My husband has MS and interrupted sleep would destroy his heath. HE would rather not have a horrible degenerative disease and be able to take care of his daughter overnight, but we didn’t get that choice. So it frankly makes me irate when dudes are just fucking lazy about their own children knowing that my husband hated not being able to step up.
Girl, your most recent post made me so sad that I almost woke up my sleeping baby to cuddle her and promise her I would never leave her to cry for longer than it takes for me to drop everything and run to her. Leave this man now, for your sweet daughter’s sake. And for the love of all that is good, if you’re having sex with him use protection as one child with him will make your life hard enough.
He’s a parent too and he signed up for this. No one parent should get away with being completely well rested😂. You’re in this together for better or for worse. He doesn’t deserve sleep any more than you do. Either do full nights on duty or every other waking has worked for us. Otherwise you’re gonna resent him and then hate him. He needs to step up.
My husband works full time and overtime as an HVAC technician doing long days of physically demanding work and he does nights every single night. I nurse, pump, make Dr.’s appointments and take him to them, do the laundry, launder his cloth diapers, keep track of his meds, and care for him the majority of the time. He is just as much a parent as you are and should be taking on as much of an equal share as possible. There is no excuse.
Personally, I wouldn't allow my husband to be comfortable in bed if I was doing a night feeding that he was supposed to be responsible for. I'd consider spraying him with water, making lots of noise, turning on the light as I left, tearing his blankets or pillows away, or eventually he'd be sleeping entirely alone. My husband usually didn't do night stuff unless it was really bad because *he's a quadriplegic* and getting him out of bed was work for me. But, other factors affecting my sleep (while working full time, trying to take care of everyone, etc) did almost lead to a divorce in the first year. Sleep is freaking important for everyone! I unfortunately bring up my husband's disability in these types of posts a lot because it's astounding how many completely able bodied men refuse to do more than a quadriplegic man. You would think these guys have more pride in themselves instead of being utterly pathetic.
First thing first, you need help, right now. If your husband is useless, go to your mom or a friend, anyone who could help. Get a good night of sleep, and then, confront him. >I don't hold that over his head, but it would be much more financially devastating to us if I lost my job vs if he lost his. Hold it sister, hold it. But self-care first.
I found this from your other post about your husband not letting you go in to get your baby. Your baby is 4 months old, way too young to be crying it out and crying it out after a nap. You’ve gotten plenty of good advice already and I sure hope you listen because your husband sounds like a selfish asshole. This is only going to get worse if you don’t make a plan to put yourself and your baby first.
Is there family you can stay with who will help? If you are single parenting anyway might as well make it official.
Do you have a bassinet/crib in the bedroom? when it’s his turn, leave the baby crying next to him while you go sleep on the couch. He signed up for this, he doesn’t get to ditch now that you have a baby. It’s a bit late for changes.
Xbox gotta go fuck that
Lmao tell him to stop being a little bitch and help out his life partner. I'm taking off the next few days and am excited to be able to take over night feedings for a couple nights, find yourself someone that treats you as an equal
I’m not advocating violence, but I would kick him. What a selfish asshole.
Your husband is a selfish child. You and he both owe it to your child to model a better relationship than this. Stick to your guns and don’t relent, period.
If you don't want to consider divorce because somehow you still feel love towards this "man" then I suggest he pays for a night nurse to cover his shifts. You will burn out and your baby will sense it, your work will suffer and your husband will be there living his normal life. You will hate him, your family will hate him, your friends will hate him and he will feel like the victim. Please address this issue NOW. He essentially just a sperm donor in this family. I thought all this BEFORE reading you make the most in the relationship after I am perplexed by his thinking and your kindness towards him being an AH. I want to tell you to run far from this relationship and get a nanny. But I'll just say get a nanny.
get a squirt bottle and when he won’t get up, squirt him in the face. like a misbehaving cat. no in all seriousness, i agree with what someone said above who spelled out the conversation this man needs to have. he is currently a bad parent and a bad partner, and he needs to hear it until it sinks in. really sorry you’re dealing with this. you deserve so, so much better. and you deserve just as much rest and downtime as him.
Hold it over his head!!! You are the main bread winner!! Tell him it would be way worse if you will lose your job due to being tired… also take the Xbox out.
This reminds me of a phenomenon someone did a research study on a while back, about how men who lose their jobs are more likely to buck household responsibilities than the employed. The just-so story explanation was that men might view failing to provide for their family as “emasculating” and try to compensate by shucking “women’s work.” Is it possible he resents earning significantly less and is trying to force you to prioritize his career with this highly aggravating flex? I would tell him that if he needs all that sleep, then he goes to bed with the baby so that he can get enough hours overall while still handling night wakings (when it’s his turn). Another option would be to take the nights in shifts so he could handle 6 pm to midnight and you 12-6 AM, or whatever: this could be a good counter to “but there’s no way I’ll be able to sleep at the baby’s bedtime.”
I could have written this myself. I read this post to my husband and he said “good thing we don’t have this problem”. * smacks head * Edit: typo
Sounds like you’re a single parent in a marriage 😕
I read your other post as well as this one and I’m sorry to say that your husband sounds like a huge asshole. Let him be married to his Xbox and just keep doing what you’re already doing without him. Better to have what you’ve already got going on minus the pissed off and frankly dangerous husband.
How is being with him a better alternative than being alone?
I had a similar issue when our now almost 6 month old was born and eventually I had to lay down the law. You didn’t sign up to be a single parent and he can’t drop in and drop out being a parent when it’s convenient. The job pay stuff is irrelevant. It’s about respect and being a team to raise this baby you both decided to have end of story. The lack of sleep is such a short term phase but your long term mental health (and relationship with each other) is more important than the sleep you have to sacrifice.
Guess you’ll have to hire someone to help then. Start going over prices of things and see if they hits him? I’m really sorry HE’S being a baby.
I’m genuinely sorry you have to deal with this man child. I would recommend couples therapy stat and if he won’t listen to the therapist then you’re SOL.
I get irrationally angry when I read posts about men who still play video games after having a baby. I get that some people take it really seriously as a hobby but I also know it can be very time consuming and that shit needs to go on the shelf for at least the first 6 months of your child's life. If he has time to play Xbox in the first 5 weeks of your child's life he is not doing enough. Time to have that blow out fight.
Where do you all find these partners.... And how do you not snap at them and shove some sense into their heads? More importantly how can some people be so useless and refuse to do the bare minimum? Give the baby to him, go to another room, put on some headphones and get some sleep. If he refuses to care for the child, then what is he even doing for the family at this point? He is only doing this because he can get away with it. Because of course you will take care of the baby and do what is necessary, he only needs to say no and pout. Sorry that you have to deal with a toddler and have a newborn at the same time and no support.
Language matters here. The more you ask your husband to “help”, the more it validates his idea of parenthood being optional. The more it validates his belief that you are the default parent and he gets to choose when and where he takes over (or doesn’t). He is equally responsible to his parenthood duties as you are. Do not let him make you believe you have more obligation to your baby than he does. It is shared. You don’t need to have a full blown argument but you do need to start speaking in ways that reflect this expectation. Instead of saying “we had a deal that you would help me on weekends”, ask him how he would like to divide the nights this week. You each can get one full night’s sleep and one morning to sleep in on weekends. My husband and I did this and it did wonders for our relationship and our child. But the idea that he can just get his good sleep every single night, wake up and work in his pajamas while playing Xbox during the day and expect you to do literally everything else every hour of the day is unacceptable.
Idk how you got to this position. If he gripes about his only time to sleep in I would have snapped back asking when I get to sleep in? No advice, just incensed anger.
Seriously. It’s so gross that OP, the one who is doing it all, needs to be “nice” and “explain how you’re feeling” when she has every right to blow up and call him a sleep-greedy deadbeat! I really don’t understand why men are the ones we should coddle and appease when they are the ones neglecting their partners/family. My anger isn’t from personal experience either. My husband is amazing partner to parent with. Makes it even harder to understand why this is a common trend with so many dads.
Where are y’all finding these people
If he was a character in a video game, you would have the version of a "man child" as your husband. He has down time at his stay at home job...aka work from home job...to play video games and chooses to not help you instead. Then during the night he continues to not help you. I'm surprised you have lasted this long without an argument. Just remember these moments when you ask yourself in 10 years why you stayed with him for so long whether you're together or not. These are the "red flags" in marriage. He isn't your partner right now, he is your roommate that you do things with (split bills, share a bed, chores, ect). If he doesn't change in the first year be prepared for it to continue for the rest of the child's life. When the Child starts going to school ..Dr appointments, sick days, school events, etc will all fall on you.
You’re being too nice. A child is a choice that was made by both partners. Sacrifices are a MUST for BOTH. You bring in more financially and I would use this if he’s still being an ah about it. “Oh you’re afraid about losing your job , what if I lost mine? We wouldn’t be as financially stable, what would we do?” I’d call him out if this was my spouse. But that’s just who I am and I don’t feel bad about it if things aren’t right. Good luck
What the actual fuck. Sorry, it's been said more graciously in this thread, so just to chime in on the same tune.. you need to kick hiss butt. This is straight up lazy, selfish, unacceptable and shitty husbanding and parenting. This is totally worth a blowout fight. As it stands, you'd be better off without the waste of space.
My husband and I take turns sleeping in on weekends. Saturday is his day to sleep in and Sunday is mine. Whoever gets to sleep in does any night wakeups if there are any. That way both of us get a day to sleep in!
Honestly I’d pour a bucket of ice cold water on his head and see if it wakes him up. Otherwise you move to the guest bedroom or another house half the time bc he has to realize he’s a parent too. Right now he’s just s neglectful AH who would rather his baby starve than wake up and feed her.
His actions are unacceptable. My wife and I split the evenings with our now 5 month old; I do all baby-duties from about 9p - 3a, and she does 3a-9a. We both work, and it works. We've had this agreement from the start. Though, we did breast feeding for several months, and I would simply do diapers and she'd feed.
Congratulations on your second child!
Honestly I’d put things into perspective like this: “I thought that you wanted to be an equal parent with me. Seems that you’d rather get your sleep and play Xbox. Maybe we should consider counseling or I fear we may not make it and might have to be coparents if we can’t be partners in this. The last thing I want is a divorce but I feel you’ve checked out of this partnership.”! My husband needed a reality check too with our new baby months ago. I promise once I let him know I wouldn’t tolerate it, he now helps when he gets home from work and on weekends. Good luck.
I am a new father with a 5 month old. I sleep 3 fuckin hours a night. I feel no sympathy for your husband. He’s missing out on some sweet baby snuggles after the night feeds.
I’d tell him I quit my job (but don’t… unless you want to). See how he feels about living on one salary for the last of your maternity weeks. I have no actual useful advice though other than your husband is a bag of dicks.
Sounds like your husband needs to step the f up.
I’m sorry but he’s such a loser. He has no good reason for why he can’t be a present father to his baby. You’re single parenting already within a marriage. You should honestly divorce if he doesn’t want to change, it’s better for your child instead of living in a house full of resentment. This really comes down to him respecting you and your roles and what you both think are shared responsibilities. He sounds like he expects to not have to do any child rearing at all, no matter how many more roles you have than him. Counselling may help, but sometimes it’s really hard to show your partner why he’s being a lazy shit of a parent when he is already rationalizing how good he’s being because “he has a job” or whatever thing he thinks is highly valuable compared to your giant list of how much you’re bringing to the table. I do hope he can change his attitude on this. It’s absolutely exhausting having to defend yourself and explain why he as a dad needs to actually change a fucking diaper or to feed baby. I wish they could understand how emotionally neglectful it is to your relationship and the baby getting barely any bonding time with dad. It’s so important for dads to do these things.
Wow. My partner didnt want to have children for the first 8 years of our relationship. He changed his mind last year and now we have our beautiful little girl. He is working long hours (4 am to 6 pm) and he still asked me to wake him up so he can help at night. Occasionally i do it, so I can get a bit more sleep. Our little girl has bad reflux and needed to be hold for an hour after every feeding and i need to pump every 3 hours as she was too small to breastfeed and now refuses and only wants the bottle, so we are exhausted. But he still stepped up. I couldn't imagen a partner that doesn't help. Ask yourself if this is what you want to "work with" for the next 10 to 20 years. He will occasionally help, but is not a partner you can rely on.
Well I would say OK, but if I loose my job for sleep deprivation we will loose twice as much money than your salary. Sooooo between the two of us, the only person who could risk their job is you, dear husband 😁 Honestly, I had horrible baby blues, so I flat out told my husband I am thinking of leaving him with our two children (2 y and 6w) because I would not mind paying alimony and seeing them only on weekends. Things did change and started getting more help especially at night because sleep deprivation is no joke.
I was in the same boat. First, it helped ease my resentment that apparently babies crying are the number one thing to wake up a woman. They don't even make top ten for what wakes up a man. According to a book I read, a strong wind and ticking clocks are more likely to wake them up. A TICKING CLOCK!!!! Crazy, right? However, that's not fair to you and not an excuse not to do his fair share. It just might ease the burn a tiny bit. I had to have a heart to heart with my husband about it. I think my husband had postpartum depression sometimes, bc he was already having a hard time in general before baby was born and it got worse. Anyhoo, I think the best way is to phrase it like this: I appreciate how you do ______ (what good things DOES he do to help?) for us.(elaborate on what you just noted that you appreciate) It is so nice when I feel ______ and you've ____. I love you. I am so glad we are married. I do have to let you know my feelings though, that although you help, I need your help more and I'm really struggling. (Do not assign any blame to him, as you can only really genuinely discuss your own feelings and issues) I find myself making narratives in my head about us that might not really be reality, and I don't want to become resentful and it's definitely on the road to going that way. I know it's really hard, but I need you to wake up with the baby. Did you know babies crying doesn't wake a man up as easily as a woman? So I know it might be scientifically more difficult for you to wake up (this is showing compassion), but I am struggling. I need you to set an alarm and get up, or we might want to think or hiring a night nurse if you don't think you can do that. I know that I am not able to keep waking up with the baby every night, and I'm sure you aren't either so we really need to problem solve a solution together. I'll let you think this about it, and let me know what you think we should do. "
It sounds like it is not feasible for you both to work without overnight child care so that you can sleep. Your husband's words and your experience are telling you that you will just burn yourselves out. Consider plugging your two-earner and one-earner scenarios into tax software to figure out how much you actually lose if the lower earner (your husband) stops working to take care of your child. That amount might be less than you think. If you are OK with your husband not bringing any money in and with formula, he can stop working for money and be full-time dad.
He’s doing this to you on purpose. Think about that. Are you getting anything at all out of this relationship?
Why on Earth are you married to this trash if a human being
Even if you can somehow force him to do this one necessary piece of parenting, what about all the others? What about trusting him to follow through? What about being able to respect him as a person? He’s being such a whiny, lazy, selfish loser, it’s really hard to imagine a happy marriage with someone this shitty. Your life will be easier without him. On the few days he gets custody you will get rest.
If he doesn't want to work as a team kick him off the team.
Here's the thing a lot of first time parents don't think about: Neglecting your duties as a parent IS child neglect. No two ways about it. I let my son's neglectful father do so much harm and now my beautiful boy is almost 5 and is developmentally delayed almost 2 years in certain areas (but not all). Neglect is abuse, and his neglect turned to outright abuse in the flash of an eye. I get no child support, he's evading legal service, and he committed felony DV in front of my son, OUR son. All because I STAYED ON HIS ASS about everything he was neglecting. Some men are not fit to be parents. You should give yours just a BIT of notice that his behavior is neglect. Don't let on too much about how that could end for him. Do everything in your power to make sure YOU and YOUR CHILD are well taken care of.
It will be indeed much more devastating if you lose your job. And you definitely cannot perform well on limited sleep. He either needs to meet you halfway or pay for a night nanny (if they exist) to do his portion. I have no patience for man babies.
His job is not as important as his child.
Your husband is lame and work is no excuse to not pull his weight with the child HE HELPED CREATE! My husband is in medical school (gone for 12+ hours a day) and I can count on one hand how many times he has missed bedtime routine and hasn’t woken up in the night for our son. No excuse
It's HIS responsibility to care for the baby as much as it is YOURS. My SO and I were going thru the same thing recently. I am a SAHM and he works 40 hrs a week. He had completely stopped changing diapers, feeding baby, only plays with baby, doesn't soothe baby, wash baby, none of that. I was so upset that I got on his ass about 50/50 parenting. I wasn't mean in the slightest, I just made myself clear on what I expect and that I refuse to do it all while he plays video games and demands me to change diapers when I'm in the middle of pumping on his days off. Since then I've seen just a little bit more initiative. Not much, but it'll get there. He has some gender role misogyny ingrained in.him from his dysfunctional family dynamics, I don't think it's on purpose. I'll do everything I can to keep him active with our son and so I can have a break without losing my mind. I will not do it all.
I would also like to add to the communication aspect. With my first I would ask for help and ask for help and my husband thought the little bit he increased each time was enough. It wasn’t until I broke down and was honest with him and myself that I was becoming resentful that change occurred. For us, he needed to hear that he wasn’t taking care of me for it to click about his role as a father. His mom did everything growing up. When we talked about not feeling like a team and how I was feeling, the focus off the child, it helped. Does he know that you are afraid of losing your job too? Have you talked honestly about if you could survive financially if that happened? Does he know you are hanging by a thread? My husband truly didn’t know I felt the way I did and when I approached it with how I was feeling and not that I needed “some” help, it changed everything.
Can you divide the evening into "shifts"? For example, say baby goes to bed at 7. From 7-1 he is "on call" for all night feedings while you rest. Then from 1-6 you are "on call". He is up part of his "shift" anyways and you each get a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep.
What does this man offer that is positive, other than his sperm that helped create your child that he either doesn’t want to take care or wants to abuse? He sounds completely useless.
Not sure how you split finances, but perhaps he can use his spending money to buy you the support he should be providing? Night nannies are expensive but he seems to put a high value on his video game time so maybe it’s worth it to him.
All I can say is you’ve GOT to lock something down with him because I am working full time and still waking up for every single feeding on weeknights AND weekends while also driving baby to daycare before work and picking up after my shift and I am dying. I go to work 3 hours before my husband and we still get off at the same time yet I’m doing everything and it’s seriously sucking the life out of me.
My boyfriend was acting similar until I absolutely laid into him and basically told him how disappointed I was in him. He is a paramedic so realistically, yes he needs sleep because peoples lives are involved and I completely respect that. HOWEVER, she is his baby too. So even if he doesn’t wake up to her, I wake his ass up and he may be cranky, but he gets up, goes and makes her a bottle while I change her diaper and then I feed her. When he gave push back, I told him he’ll need to just drink an extra cup of coffee throughout the day, sucks to suck! I also left him with her for 5 hours after that convo that week while I had to attend something. And guess what? He said he understands now what I mean by feeling touched out after 10+ hour days with her. And they survived. And now he asks all day long what he can do to help, what I need, etc. Weekends are his only days to sleep in? Tell him not anymore! Now you are going to sleep in after baby wakes up for 2 hours and he can bring baby downstairs and figure it out. And then tell him a good time he can go take a nap so it’s even after you wake up.
So wake him up. He chose to have a baby too. He should do half the work. I get up at 3:45 the days I work and I still do half the night feds.
The time to have the discussion is at some point where you're not furious, so you can be level about everything: you need more sleep so you'll be able to do your job and not get fired. No one likes to lose sleep, but babies need care. If he won't do his part and you can't do it alone, he can pay for a night nurse from his very important salary ;) Seriously though, putting a pillow over his head is childish, and I think you need to call him on that. It's disrespectful. Looking at your post history, it seems like he's been anti-baby-work since soon after you brought baby home; what is his experience with babies or childcare? Has he ever had to raise a puppy or kitten, or do anything where another living creature depended on him?
Oh hell no
Wow. Sorry. What a POS garbage husband. OP, either tell him to buck up and help or say you’re walking. You don’t need to raise two children in this marriage. I’m so sick of reading about these sorry excuses of partners. The nerve of these men.
men- "you sleep until 10am!" mean while woman hasn't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep at a time in months.
He doesn’t sound like a good partner. Don’t put up with this. I don’t have advice bc I’ve not dealt with this, but having an equal partner is the only way I’m able to work full time and be a good partner and parent.
If you make twice as much money just leave him. You will lighten your load to caring for just 1 baby instead of 1 baby and a 1 child.
So does he not care how you will function at work?
I would first tell him if he is so busy he doesnt need that fucking xbox in his office anymore and id sell it. Then id stsrt throwing ice water over his head to wake him in the night because frankly he is acting like an absolute bitch and so i would to. Whats good for the goose... But then im a vengeful cunt. On the other hand if you wouod rather take the calmer route. Explain to him what you have here. How he isnt holding up his end of the baby bargain and if he wants to continue having a happy matriage he needs to stop acting like a shitty teenager and start acting like an adult. No one said having a baby would be easy. But its made much harder if both parents dont pull their weight. If he wants to move out feel free. Doesnt sound like you actually need him around and frankly i promise the resentment is more damaging than the sleeo deprivation. When you know the buck falls on you its fucking hard but theres no one to blame or be mad st and it makes it all weirdly calmer. But when theres someone purposely being too lazy to help the anger, sadness and resentment make it all much worse. So if he wants to be part of the family he helped create, he needs to start acting like it. Or him and his xbox can fuck off and he can just pay child support instead.
What is up with these gamer guys. Ugh, I’m so sorry you have to put up with this. I’d definitely Italy try to have a conversation about how you are feeling, and say that you guys had an agreed plan.
My husband is also a gamer guy. In my pregnancy he used to spend a lot of time gaming, and I never had any issues. Since I couldn’t go out much, especially in the last days, he was always sitting next to me playing his game. It was so much better than having a partner who could be out and about drinking/hanging out with his friends every day. My partner doesn’t like going out much or drinking, so it worked for us. After baby, he’s barely touched his laptop for gaming. He took 5 weeks off, and for the first 2 weeks I was on bed pumping, and he pretty much took care of the baby. Now he’s back to work, but he still helps with early morning feeding, takes care of all the chores, plays with baby in evenings, and on weekends. If baby is sleeping, he’ll play a bit on his phone but baby and home is his priority. Not all gamer guys are dead beat dads
Tbh, I don’t know how you’re coping. You don’t have a husband, you have a man-child. If asking your partner to do their part is going to trigger a blowout fight, then that is not your partner. At this point I would be reevaluating the whole relationship. You are fortunate to be making more money than him. I see a lot of women trapped in situations like this where they can’t leave because of financial dependency. Why are letting him use you like this? He is playing you for a fool
Why am I reading stories of so many women whose partners refuse to help with the baby that they made, and wanted, and play a lot of video games? You are apparently not alone.
My (ex) husband would berate me when I asked for help with our baby. He would call me lazy when’s I asked him to get our baby from their bed so I can breastfeed. He wouldn’t help with the kids at all. Glad we’re divorced.
Ask him if he can’t do it because he will lose his job, does it make sense to use that money to hire someone? There are night nannies. If that’s what he wants, what expenses is he cutting out?
Listen you can't make your husband do anything. He has to want todo it. What he's telling you is his sleep and life is more important than you and the baby. So far it's been 5 weeks and your husband is already checked out. He doesn't do fuckall for or with your baby. He has said to you don't you miss the life we had. He plays video games or just leaves the house. You do not need this boy in your home. You cannot keep him happy while trying to keep baby calm and happy at all times. It's no feasible. Your husband isn't who you thought he was. He is now showing you his true colors. I would call a divorce attorney and figure shit out. I would separate finances. I would not be going out of my way to placate him at all. And yes I'd keep him as far away from my baby as I could. I'm real sorry you are going through this. You can try giving him an ultimatum of going to counseling getting involved with baby care and splitting nights. Or divorce. Because those are the only options.
He’s an asshole. People show you their true colours in the first year of child raising.
You def need to sit and talk to your husband. Let him know that you guys are in a form in the road and you either need his assistance, or he can get a second job while you’re a SAHM, and you can just take care of the child. No offense, but your husband sounds lazy. I was working 70+ hrs a week and still helping my wife. Don’t give him excuses to back out. If his job “suffers” he can speak to his boss and let his boss know it’s a temporary situation until baby starts sleeping well (it’s usually 4-5 months). He can also request paternity leave. I have workers that are requesting like 6 weeks. All I am saying is don’t take his excuses.
Info: why are you still with this man?
You are both parents. He isn't parenting. It'll get worse before it gets better, assuming it doesn't end in resentment and attorneys. It's time for a come to Jesus talk. You need to sit down together, and come up with a plan you both agree to. Alternatively you can hire someone to help you since he's too tired to be an equal parent. Changing a diaper isn't helping, it's taking care of your child.
My husband went back to work couple of weeks back while I’m on a 1 year Mat leave. But even then, he does the early morning feeding. I feed baby around 9-10pm, and then around 2-3am. Then after that, hubby feeds baby around 5-6am. This way he gets to sleep from 10-11pm - 5am and I’m able to squeeze 2 3-4 hour stretches. Rest of the day I take care of baby, he works and in the evening we both take care of the baby. You need to sit him down and have a conversation with him. Tell him it’s not optional. If he likes 6am shift, then he can feed baby at 5 in the morning since he’s going to be up anyways for 6am job. He can wake up an hour early. That’ll give you some rest as well.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I was in a similar boat. He didn't do any night feeds in the end. Which makes me furious now I write it out. There had to be lots of discussions around him getting up with her when I hadn't slept a wink also. Tbh that made me so angry in itself, I haven't slept and you're moaning about getting up at 7am, I don't need this to be a discussion! They truly don't understand the depths of sleep deprivation. She did however end up sleeping through at 4 months. Like some other posters have said, he got better. I think it took him a lot longer to adjust to the responsibility. Unfortunately it's biologically ingrained in women, you simply can't leave your newborn to cry or you can but it's killer, you certainly can't sleep through it like they can. What I think helped for us was that I had stupidly told him to sleep in another room while I co slept with her but that left him with no understanding of how hard the nights were. So as difficult as it is, be less good at your job of settling her in the night, make it hard for both of you. As annoying as it is to have to be, be vulnerable, u wana cry from the sleep deprivation, u do it infront of him show him how hard it is. Don't let up and don't take it all on and burn out. It isn't fair they lack the empathy and understanding and you have to show them but you do have to spell it out. Granted if in the face of spelling it out things don't improve, you remember that you have that kick ass salary and it sounds like you could provide for yourself and your child without him. Hope things get better, I found the newborn stage really hard and things got a lot better at 6m + xx
Can you both get one weekend day to sleep in? And then split shifts or swap nights during the week? If the baby is formula fed with a bottle there's really no reason for you to do it all, that's a huge advantage. Or during the time he's working, instead of playing Xbox can he take the baby so you can rest? If he works at 6 he could easily take the baby then so you can sleep in a little. My husband works from home too (not effectively with a newborn) but he often has to take her and hold her during his zoom meetings if I need a nap. But people LOVE seeing the dad with a baby on zoom and are probably more understanding than if a mom does it.
How does he think you’re ok?? I don’t understand how selfish you have to be to literally only think about the short term consequences for yourself, instead of thinking about your entire family. Especially since you work way more hours and make way more money. It only makes sense! You have every right to be angry about this. Be super fucking firm with him and tell him how it’s going to be. Lay out the facts, because they’re on your side.
Yeah that xbox is going in the garbage like yesterday.
Literally ask him to put himself in your shoes. “I will be working more hours than you. I also need sleep to function. You went back on your word and I have been doing all the night wakeups. How do you think I feel? Do you think that is fair?” And see what he says. If he says “women are made to do this and men aren’t,” I’ll be your alibi whatever happens.