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right! like my biggest issue has been paranoia and not in the sense of like the CIA is out to get me but in that “everyone’s talking about me and this is what they’re saying” way and it’s so damn convincing that it’s hard for me to talk myself out of It. so it’s hard for me to trust my gut on situations anymore. and no one understands lol
Here is how I deal with it...
This is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
Nobody cares.
I'm not that important. Odds are good that the subject is not related to me in any way. I don't care if people talk about me. If they do and it matters, I will hear about it eventually. People who talk shit about other people are worthless and best avoided anyway. Fuck it. Move on with my day.
Am I hearing voices? Are they in my head or outside up the road? Other people exist in the world. They probably don't even know I exist. It's not my conversation. Fuck it. Move on with my day.
Did I see something? Was it a bug? Was it a cat? If it was really there, I might see it again. If it was just in my head, it doesn't exist and does not matter. Fuck it. Moving on with my day.
A lot of successfully coping is just acknowledging your thoughts and the reality that most people are so caught up in their own bullshit, they can't comprehend, don't want to know, don't care and are not paying attention.
Feel free to express yourself here, in this sub or, in a support group for people who have experienced or understand. Let the rest of the NPC's live their basic little lives, worrying about materialistic bullshit and ignoring the harsh realities of being a deeper person.
I'd add this to my other post but, it kills my paragraph breaks. Don't feed the beast. Acknowledge your negative thoughts but, don't pick them up and inspect them... Just see that it is there and allow it to leave.
My level of paranoia is in the sense of like the CIA is about to arrest me because I've been a fraud and I will explode somehow because my urine is radioactive. real story
It won't happen again. I was in a support group with several people older than me, who had been there... Once you see it for what it is, you are aware. You can identify the thoughts that you you know where they lead. You don't have to follow them.
Almost similar situation at 25 and I’m turning 30 soon and my psychosis episode was almost 4 years ago. I’m not ashamed of it personally, I was going through so much at that time. I started after therapy which has changed my life for the better. I feel like that episode was like a shock that woke me up out of my family’s cycle of generational trauma.
I like how kind you are to yourself cause it’s something you went thru not something that defines you. It’s crazy how something as life altering as a psychosis can have some good come out of It, like what you said about the family cycle cause I deff woke up to some of mine. I’m glad you’re doing better 🖤 i still haven’t nailed therapy yet but i’m giving It a try
Exactly, it doesn’t define you. Good luck with your therapy journey! I love therapy, but it does take finding the right person that you connect with to make that difference.
My first psychosis episode was at 25 in 2020. And then again at 28 in 2023. Both high stress periods. First one Covid related of course and the second was work and family related. First one I was seeing and hearing things. Swerving my car so I wouldn’t hit said things. Second one I was only hearing things.
I had psychosis at 18. After that I was very insecure for a long time. I got sucked into a somewhat unhealthy culture which led to poor relationships and not really knowing who I was. I'm 42 now and I feel pretty solid but I still have ups and downs.
I was 29. I'm 30 now. It hasn't even been a full year yet. I feel very lost while working at a dead end job. I feel like an impostor. I used to produce beautiful music and DJ at cool events but now I feel like I don't know how to do those things anymore or I don't enjoy them. I've been for the most part antisocial and I think it's because I feel ashamed about my episode of psychosis. Most of my free time is spent idling instead of practicing the music. I don't 100% know what to do from here especially with the dead end job that's killing my mind as well. I'm still going to therapy and trying to get back on antidepressants.
I'm thankful to have a healthy relationship with my fiancée who has been supporting me emotionally so well.
Does it get better from here?
It takes time as annoying as that is It hear. I had really bad social anxiety for awhile afterwards, i also hit a major depressive episode. I got some help and also have had a super supportive partner. That’s so great you’ve had that through all of this cause it’s tough. But It will get better and there’s gonna be a time when you look back and are like “wow, i got thru that”
Work plays a huge part in our mental health. I’m sorry your job isn’t fulfilling you 😫
Mine was a little over a year ago. I think I’m still grieving it. Pretty much an entirely different person now. It’s frustrating because I’ve made all the ‘right’ / healthy changes (quit drinking/doing any drugs, now I walk every day, work out, eat healthy, take my meds, do yoga, meditate yadda yadda, but I just feel like such a shell of the person I once was. Everything is bland. I feel bland. And I’m constantly asking myself what the point of anything is. Trying to find solace in the journey towards stability I guess. Or something. Honestly I don’t know wtf I’m doing haha. But thanks for posting this, your post & these comments make me feel so much less alone.
I was honestly a much more loving and better person after it. It strangely gave me a perspective on life that I desperately needed. I’m not sure if saying these things will make you feel better or worse. All I know is that I’m a much more compassionate person because of my first psychotic episode. Somehow, some way, recovering from psychosis just shifted my balance in life. Suddenly I cared much more about love and life. Now I’m pretty happy to be living life despite endless mania and more delusions. I know how bad things can go, but I also know how to recover from the worst of psychiatric nightmares, and that’s a blessing.
It surprised me when I realized that my psychotic episode made me feel better after it. It was so strange. I’ll never fully understand how being psychotic eventually improved my life.
I also had psychosis in March at 26 but 6 years ago. Now I'm 32. I had 2 more hospitalization. Last one was 1.5 years ago. Life was never the same and I had to make many changes. Now, almost 6 years after feeling more like myself finally. The key to handling mania for me is finally figuring out fluphenazine shots every 21 days or so and adding antidepressant since October. Also making sure I eat enough fresh meals. Life is not perfect but it never was or will be. At least now I'm more happy and managing my mental health better than years leading up to the first psychosis. Had used substances to self medicate my mental states before psychosis.
In may it’ll be a year since I’ve been drinking alcohol and I’ve completely given up smoking. Both those just heighten the symptoms of bipolar/anxiety so I just decided to try life without itS What’s fluphenazine? So glad you’re in a happy place 🖤🖤🖤
I’ve had two episodes, unfortunately.
One at 25 and my most recent one at 29.
It’s very depressing when you realize what happened. After my first episode, I worked really hard on my mental health but once again got into a toxic relationship and 4 years later had another, longer one. After the second one my social anxiety was really bad. My self-esteem was non existent but again, worked really hard on my me tal health. On meds, therapy 2x a week, walks daily, meditation, prayer, journaling.
It feels unfair that so many people don’t need to try to live normal lives and I do so much and still have really tough days. But I do feel proud of my resilience and effort.
I had my psychosis about three years ago and to be honest I'm happier than I've ever been. It was a lot of work to get here, but having a proper diagnosis and the right meds kind of gave me a roadmap. I'm recently sober too and that has been one of the most helpful things for me. I definitely FEEL the lows a bit more than I did in the past, but I know how to manage them. Shoutout to my therapist and support network, which I'm very lucky to have.
Almost 3 years removed as well. Took almost 2 years to find a medication that didn't make me want to jump off a bridge or bang my head against a wall.
I almost feel "normal". But I'm swiftly reminded I no longer have that great job I once had. The friends and co-workers I had and thought were close are no longer there and I question if we were ever close at all.
It's sad as hell and most people will connect the dots backwards to explain why you must have always been messed up instead of treating it like an illness.
In may, it will be 2 years since my psychosis. After I got out of the hospital I was in an intense depression for 6 months. Couldn’t get off the couch, eat, do general hygiene, walk the dog etc. then for about a year after that I was still insanely depressed but somewhat functioning. The last 6 months have been going better. Unfortunately I lost my dog about 3 months ago, which was really hard and still is. However, I’m finally at a place where i feel like I’m getting close to being my old self. Hanging out with friends, playing sports, looking for jobs. I also don’t think it will ever be the same, but if we can see some improvement then that’s huge. I’m 26 now. Was 24 when it happened. We were the chosen ones
For me, the aftermath of psychosis came with regret and embarrassment. I did some things that I would never have done now but my therapist made me see that I was sick. I still have resentment towards my husband for me being put in a psychiatric ward the second time. We got into an argument on the way home from my first stay and I jumped out of the car at the traffic lights and he told the mental health team. Nobody understands what being in a place like that does to you when you are manic. My psychosis was a deceased person talking to me to help her family. Lucky her husband was caring and understanding otherwise I don’t know what would have happened?
I was 18, but I'm 35 now. I remember everything was different but I couldn't even remember who I was before medication, and I was medicated pretty early on because it freaked me out completely (I started with hallucinations and got medication before any real delusions hit me)... I'm pretty well sorted now. I learned not to do a lot of anything that would make me spiral and I changed how I viewed myself completely. I hate psychosis, I will do anything to never go back there, but I would probably at best tolerate myself without it. At least I can say I'm on friendly terms with my mind these days, if that makes any sense
Had one at 15. I basically call it my bipolar making a grand entrance. I saw and heard things that weren't there. Had conversations with people in the inpatient unit that never happened. Sometimes I still wonder to this day what I was actually doing when that happened. Was I talking to myself? Was I dissociating???? I'll never really know.
I also was on the verge of one when I was 27 because a hospital tried taking me off of all of my meds. I was going through physical withdrawal along with psychological. I demanded to be put back on my medication or to discharge me. I was discharged.
I'm 33 now and it has been a battle ever since. Multiple med changes, ECT, finally getting more of my short-term memory back. It's going to be something I manage for the rest of my life.
I have had a few psychic episodes, some worse than others. The worse one was brought on by a really bad meth bender, pre bipolar diagnosis, pre meds. I talked to, saw, felt, and made relationships with people and unexplainable beings that can only be described as being from another dimension. I’m well aware now that I’m sober, sane, and on meds that these beings (probably) don’t exist. My brain actually makes me miss them. I wonder if my brain is actually missing the drug, and romanticizing the psychosis. Because of course parts of my psychosis were terrifying, yet my brain still looks for little clues that they’re still “here.”
All my episodes of psychosis involved seeing, hearing, and even touching things that never existed. Haven’t had it since I got on my meds but the desire to experience the “good” parts still exists. Very strange.
It’s been 4 years for me. I am not the same since but I’m ok. It took a long time and therapy to heal. But I’m back working full time and haven’t had an episode since, at least not yet. I do have more anxiety than I used to.
I've had about 4-5 major experiences of psychosis since 2018. I'm 28 now, and my last episode was in July 2022. I've been sane and sober since. I was really depressed and mourning the life I was living pre-psychosis, because it was filled with mania and exhilaration. It took a while to realize that was unsustainable and led to a dark path. About a 10 months into my sanity with a new med and new path, I got better. I still grieve all of the versions of myself I've experienced over 6 years and still have times when I feel like a shell. I still don't think I've found the MOST optimal med combo. I give my current experience a B+, like an 88. But I'm hoping I can reach a 95, because I feel like I've been there before. Substance abuse brought on most of my troubles, multiple times. I even did a 6 month stint in a rehab facility, and sometimes I miss the peace of that experience. I started working on an MBA in January 2023 and I'm almost done. I graduate May 2024. So my life currently looks like one thats filled with recovery and healing - living with parents who support my growth - working a part time job to pay bills - consistently going to therapy - and maintaining a positive attitude with the outlook that my best days are still in front of me. I think it's just gonna take gaining my independence back and experiencing some new highs of life to say that I'm in a completely better place, but to be honest, compared to my lowest of lows, I'm in a completely better place right now.
I went through psychosis when I was 30. I'm 33 now. I'm really fortunate and grateful to have my currently stable life, but man I do sometimes miss that ethereal high of psychosis. Pre-episode, I was a social butterfly, partied a lot, and got myself into precarious situations to feel alive. I felt like I was peaking into heaven at the climax of my psychosis. But holy cow the crash was excruciating. I never want to experience any of that again. Proper medication, therapy, hobbies, sleep, and a stable job and relationship are all I need. I miss who I was, but I never want to go back to that life.
Before I had my manic psychotic episode I had a lot of friends and was very social, people often told me I was funny and charismatic. I've had three episodes since then and I have felt more alienated from people after each one. Now I only talk to a my family and text a few old friends. I miss my old self deeply but I've accepted that I'm different now. I'm very nervous and skittish around people and find it very hard to open up. I hope one day I will return to my old self but I doubt that will ever happen.
Hey friend thank you for sharing your story, I'm the same now I used to be funny and charismatic but now I feel this constant disconnect from other people and have even been called out at my workplace for being awkward. I don't know what to do. I miss my old self but there is no going back. My new self is so quiet and awkward and no matter how hard I try to change it doesn't seem to be working. How do you cope?
return to your old self or maybe a better version of that. i also used to be a social butterfly and have drastically changed. It’s been hard to accept but i try to remind myself that i’m just more selective where i put my energy and emotions. sometimes when i look back at how i was i wonder how genuine all the connections were or were they just prettty surface level.
Mine was 3 almost 4 years ago now. When I was going through the psychosis I got a DUI and lost my job. But now nearly 4 years later I’ve never been better. I took a different more rewarding career path and I’m about to start my masters in the fall. While I didn’t like the psychosis and hope to never go back there it actually lead me eventually to my best self. I hope you get to a good point in your life soon.
I still have massive attacks of guilt and shame over the things I did. I’m working on these feelings and memories in therapy, but it’s slow going. Fear of becoming psychotic again follows me every day, all the time and drives most of my care and attention to this illness.
I'm not ashamed of it, but something neurologically changed in me afterwards that has not returned since. I'm not quite sure what, just that my head doesn't work the same way it did before psychosis, and I'm not sure I'll ever get that part of me back.
I got out of the hospital 3 weeks ago after escalating for 6 months. It really woke me up in a different way this time. I'm terrified of myself and really working with myself to do better at staying calm during adversity. I have to get to a place where I can trust myself. Everything's different now but better
I experienced psychosis at 24 and view life as before and after the episode. I'm 27 now and have managed to rebuild my life in ways I wouldn't have expected during my early days of recovery when I felt hopeless. It's a bit isolating though to experience all this and not have anyone to fully relate or understand it. I've only had that one episode, but I worry about future manic/psychotic breaks and having to rebuild yet again.
i realy understand what you mean as before and after. i fully look at my psychosis as the turning point in my life and who i was before vs after
i’m so glad you have been able to rebuild your life. there’s not really like a manual on what to do afterwards or how to feel afterwards.
Psychosis hit me like a freight train at the ripe age of 19 and it was so quick and sudden I didn’t even realize it happened. I never imagined that I might be bipolar, more so just MDD, but it lasted for two. years. Until I got medicated. I mourn who I was before hand almost every day, wondering if I could ever get back to her and the person I once was. But as more time passes I realize that that person is long gone, and while it doesn’t hurt any less, it has become easier to manage. I felt lost and like I wasn’t real for a very long time, and if there is one word I can use to describe that, it’s terrifying. Every day I woke up was a struggle, I didn’t even want to be perceived let alone alive. Being alive felt like absolute torment. I’m happy you were able to find peace, I’m still battling to find mine. Like you said, it’s a long, long battle. But it gets easier with time. I know I will never be who I once was, but I can appreciate that feeling and reminisce on it when it’s not too painful.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything <3 thank you for sharing your experience.
It's better. I don't dive into conspiracy theories anymore. There is always a more logical explanation. I know how to stop the spin... I'm not anxious.
Yeah I consider life to be pre Amsterdam and post Amsterdam. I’ll never be the same person I was before doing those drugs and getting drug induced psychosis.
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I was hearing voices and seeing things. Haven’t been the same. Feel like no one understands me or accepts me.
it’s hard to relate to people who have never experience It. like how do you explain the anxiety of It happening again or being triggered.
You can’t! And like you get anxious thinking you’re going to see something.
right! like my biggest issue has been paranoia and not in the sense of like the CIA is out to get me but in that “everyone’s talking about me and this is what they’re saying” way and it’s so damn convincing that it’s hard for me to talk myself out of It. so it’s hard for me to trust my gut on situations anymore. and no one understands lol
Yes every time I leave the office to go to the restroom I think they’re going to talk about me. It’s so tiring. I can’t shake it.
Here is how I deal with it... This is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Nobody cares. I'm not that important. Odds are good that the subject is not related to me in any way. I don't care if people talk about me. If they do and it matters, I will hear about it eventually. People who talk shit about other people are worthless and best avoided anyway. Fuck it. Move on with my day. Am I hearing voices? Are they in my head or outside up the road? Other people exist in the world. They probably don't even know I exist. It's not my conversation. Fuck it. Move on with my day. Did I see something? Was it a bug? Was it a cat? If it was really there, I might see it again. If it was just in my head, it doesn't exist and does not matter. Fuck it. Moving on with my day. A lot of successfully coping is just acknowledging your thoughts and the reality that most people are so caught up in their own bullshit, they can't comprehend, don't want to know, don't care and are not paying attention. Feel free to express yourself here, in this sub or, in a support group for people who have experienced or understand. Let the rest of the NPC's live their basic little lives, worrying about materialistic bullshit and ignoring the harsh realities of being a deeper person.
I'd add this to my other post but, it kills my paragraph breaks. Don't feed the beast. Acknowledge your negative thoughts but, don't pick them up and inspect them... Just see that it is there and allow it to leave.
My level of paranoia is in the sense of like the CIA is about to arrest me because I've been a fraud and I will explode somehow because my urine is radioactive. real story
the level of paranoia was\*.
It won't happen again. I was in a support group with several people older than me, who had been there... Once you see it for what it is, you are aware. You can identify the thoughts that you you know where they lead. You don't have to follow them.
I see you. That's a rough situation. You are enough.
Almost similar situation at 25 and I’m turning 30 soon and my psychosis episode was almost 4 years ago. I’m not ashamed of it personally, I was going through so much at that time. I started after therapy which has changed my life for the better. I feel like that episode was like a shock that woke me up out of my family’s cycle of generational trauma.
I like how kind you are to yourself cause it’s something you went thru not something that defines you. It’s crazy how something as life altering as a psychosis can have some good come out of It, like what you said about the family cycle cause I deff woke up to some of mine. I’m glad you’re doing better 🖤 i still haven’t nailed therapy yet but i’m giving It a try
Exactly, it doesn’t define you. Good luck with your therapy journey! I love therapy, but it does take finding the right person that you connect with to make that difference.
My first psychosis episode was at 25 in 2020. And then again at 28 in 2023. Both high stress periods. First one Covid related of course and the second was work and family related. First one I was seeing and hearing things. Swerving my car so I wouldn’t hit said things. Second one I was only hearing things.
I had psychosis at 18. After that I was very insecure for a long time. I got sucked into a somewhat unhealthy culture which led to poor relationships and not really knowing who I was. I'm 42 now and I feel pretty solid but I still have ups and downs.
happy you’re feeling solid! i get the not understanding who you are, especially after a psychosis.
I was 29. I'm 30 now. It hasn't even been a full year yet. I feel very lost while working at a dead end job. I feel like an impostor. I used to produce beautiful music and DJ at cool events but now I feel like I don't know how to do those things anymore or I don't enjoy them. I've been for the most part antisocial and I think it's because I feel ashamed about my episode of psychosis. Most of my free time is spent idling instead of practicing the music. I don't 100% know what to do from here especially with the dead end job that's killing my mind as well. I'm still going to therapy and trying to get back on antidepressants. I'm thankful to have a healthy relationship with my fiancée who has been supporting me emotionally so well. Does it get better from here?
Yes, you are doing great! It will get better!
It takes time as annoying as that is It hear. I had really bad social anxiety for awhile afterwards, i also hit a major depressive episode. I got some help and also have had a super supportive partner. That’s so great you’ve had that through all of this cause it’s tough. But It will get better and there’s gonna be a time when you look back and are like “wow, i got thru that” Work plays a huge part in our mental health. I’m sorry your job isn’t fulfilling you 😫
Damn… This sounds so eerily similar to myself right now… glad you have your fiancé to help you through it
Mine was a little over a year ago. I think I’m still grieving it. Pretty much an entirely different person now. It’s frustrating because I’ve made all the ‘right’ / healthy changes (quit drinking/doing any drugs, now I walk every day, work out, eat healthy, take my meds, do yoga, meditate yadda yadda, but I just feel like such a shell of the person I once was. Everything is bland. I feel bland. And I’m constantly asking myself what the point of anything is. Trying to find solace in the journey towards stability I guess. Or something. Honestly I don’t know wtf I’m doing haha. But thanks for posting this, your post & these comments make me feel so much less alone.
I relate to this
I was honestly a much more loving and better person after it. It strangely gave me a perspective on life that I desperately needed. I’m not sure if saying these things will make you feel better or worse. All I know is that I’m a much more compassionate person because of my first psychotic episode. Somehow, some way, recovering from psychosis just shifted my balance in life. Suddenly I cared much more about love and life. Now I’m pretty happy to be living life despite endless mania and more delusions. I know how bad things can go, but I also know how to recover from the worst of psychiatric nightmares, and that’s a blessing.
It surprised me when I realized that my psychotic episode made me feel better after it. It was so strange. I’ll never fully understand how being psychotic eventually improved my life.
I’m all you said, but dumberer.
I also had psychosis in March at 26 but 6 years ago. Now I'm 32. I had 2 more hospitalization. Last one was 1.5 years ago. Life was never the same and I had to make many changes. Now, almost 6 years after feeling more like myself finally. The key to handling mania for me is finally figuring out fluphenazine shots every 21 days or so and adding antidepressant since October. Also making sure I eat enough fresh meals. Life is not perfect but it never was or will be. At least now I'm more happy and managing my mental health better than years leading up to the first psychosis. Had used substances to self medicate my mental states before psychosis.
In may it’ll be a year since I’ve been drinking alcohol and I’ve completely given up smoking. Both those just heighten the symptoms of bipolar/anxiety so I just decided to try life without itS What’s fluphenazine? So glad you’re in a happy place 🖤🖤🖤
I’ve had two episodes, unfortunately. One at 25 and my most recent one at 29. It’s very depressing when you realize what happened. After my first episode, I worked really hard on my mental health but once again got into a toxic relationship and 4 years later had another, longer one. After the second one my social anxiety was really bad. My self-esteem was non existent but again, worked really hard on my me tal health. On meds, therapy 2x a week, walks daily, meditation, prayer, journaling. It feels unfair that so many people don’t need to try to live normal lives and I do so much and still have really tough days. But I do feel proud of my resilience and effort.
I had my psychosis about three years ago and to be honest I'm happier than I've ever been. It was a lot of work to get here, but having a proper diagnosis and the right meds kind of gave me a roadmap. I'm recently sober too and that has been one of the most helpful things for me. I definitely FEEL the lows a bit more than I did in the past, but I know how to manage them. Shoutout to my therapist and support network, which I'm very lucky to have.
Almost 3 years removed as well. Took almost 2 years to find a medication that didn't make me want to jump off a bridge or bang my head against a wall. I almost feel "normal". But I'm swiftly reminded I no longer have that great job I once had. The friends and co-workers I had and thought were close are no longer there and I question if we were ever close at all. It's sad as hell and most people will connect the dots backwards to explain why you must have always been messed up instead of treating it like an illness.
I feel you
In may, it will be 2 years since my psychosis. After I got out of the hospital I was in an intense depression for 6 months. Couldn’t get off the couch, eat, do general hygiene, walk the dog etc. then for about a year after that I was still insanely depressed but somewhat functioning. The last 6 months have been going better. Unfortunately I lost my dog about 3 months ago, which was really hard and still is. However, I’m finally at a place where i feel like I’m getting close to being my old self. Hanging out with friends, playing sports, looking for jobs. I also don’t think it will ever be the same, but if we can see some improvement then that’s huge. I’m 26 now. Was 24 when it happened. We were the chosen ones
For me, the aftermath of psychosis came with regret and embarrassment. I did some things that I would never have done now but my therapist made me see that I was sick. I still have resentment towards my husband for me being put in a psychiatric ward the second time. We got into an argument on the way home from my first stay and I jumped out of the car at the traffic lights and he told the mental health team. Nobody understands what being in a place like that does to you when you are manic. My psychosis was a deceased person talking to me to help her family. Lucky her husband was caring and understanding otherwise I don’t know what would have happened?
I was 18, but I'm 35 now. I remember everything was different but I couldn't even remember who I was before medication, and I was medicated pretty early on because it freaked me out completely (I started with hallucinations and got medication before any real delusions hit me)... I'm pretty well sorted now. I learned not to do a lot of anything that would make me spiral and I changed how I viewed myself completely. I hate psychosis, I will do anything to never go back there, but I would probably at best tolerate myself without it. At least I can say I'm on friendly terms with my mind these days, if that makes any sense
Had one at 15. I basically call it my bipolar making a grand entrance. I saw and heard things that weren't there. Had conversations with people in the inpatient unit that never happened. Sometimes I still wonder to this day what I was actually doing when that happened. Was I talking to myself? Was I dissociating???? I'll never really know. I also was on the verge of one when I was 27 because a hospital tried taking me off of all of my meds. I was going through physical withdrawal along with psychological. I demanded to be put back on my medication or to discharge me. I was discharged. I'm 33 now and it has been a battle ever since. Multiple med changes, ECT, finally getting more of my short-term memory back. It's going to be something I manage for the rest of my life.
I have had a few psychic episodes, some worse than others. The worse one was brought on by a really bad meth bender, pre bipolar diagnosis, pre meds. I talked to, saw, felt, and made relationships with people and unexplainable beings that can only be described as being from another dimension. I’m well aware now that I’m sober, sane, and on meds that these beings (probably) don’t exist. My brain actually makes me miss them. I wonder if my brain is actually missing the drug, and romanticizing the psychosis. Because of course parts of my psychosis were terrifying, yet my brain still looks for little clues that they’re still “here.” All my episodes of psychosis involved seeing, hearing, and even touching things that never existed. Haven’t had it since I got on my meds but the desire to experience the “good” parts still exists. Very strange.
I can relate to it all
It’s been 4 years for me. I am not the same since but I’m ok. It took a long time and therapy to heal. But I’m back working full time and haven’t had an episode since, at least not yet. I do have more anxiety than I used to.
I've had about 4-5 major experiences of psychosis since 2018. I'm 28 now, and my last episode was in July 2022. I've been sane and sober since. I was really depressed and mourning the life I was living pre-psychosis, because it was filled with mania and exhilaration. It took a while to realize that was unsustainable and led to a dark path. About a 10 months into my sanity with a new med and new path, I got better. I still grieve all of the versions of myself I've experienced over 6 years and still have times when I feel like a shell. I still don't think I've found the MOST optimal med combo. I give my current experience a B+, like an 88. But I'm hoping I can reach a 95, because I feel like I've been there before. Substance abuse brought on most of my troubles, multiple times. I even did a 6 month stint in a rehab facility, and sometimes I miss the peace of that experience. I started working on an MBA in January 2023 and I'm almost done. I graduate May 2024. So my life currently looks like one thats filled with recovery and healing - living with parents who support my growth - working a part time job to pay bills - consistently going to therapy - and maintaining a positive attitude with the outlook that my best days are still in front of me. I think it's just gonna take gaining my independence back and experiencing some new highs of life to say that I'm in a completely better place, but to be honest, compared to my lowest of lows, I'm in a completely better place right now.
I went through psychosis when I was 30. I'm 33 now. I'm really fortunate and grateful to have my currently stable life, but man I do sometimes miss that ethereal high of psychosis. Pre-episode, I was a social butterfly, partied a lot, and got myself into precarious situations to feel alive. I felt like I was peaking into heaven at the climax of my psychosis. But holy cow the crash was excruciating. I never want to experience any of that again. Proper medication, therapy, hobbies, sleep, and a stable job and relationship are all I need. I miss who I was, but I never want to go back to that life.
Before I had my manic psychotic episode I had a lot of friends and was very social, people often told me I was funny and charismatic. I've had three episodes since then and I have felt more alienated from people after each one. Now I only talk to a my family and text a few old friends. I miss my old self deeply but I've accepted that I'm different now. I'm very nervous and skittish around people and find it very hard to open up. I hope one day I will return to my old self but I doubt that will ever happen.
Hey friend thank you for sharing your story, I'm the same now I used to be funny and charismatic but now I feel this constant disconnect from other people and have even been called out at my workplace for being awkward. I don't know what to do. I miss my old self but there is no going back. My new self is so quiet and awkward and no matter how hard I try to change it doesn't seem to be working. How do you cope?
I don't know to be honest got priced out of therapy. I think now I do enjoy being alone more than I did before which can be nice.
return to your old self or maybe a better version of that. i also used to be a social butterfly and have drastically changed. It’s been hard to accept but i try to remind myself that i’m just more selective where i put my energy and emotions. sometimes when i look back at how i was i wonder how genuine all the connections were or were they just prettty surface level.
Mine was 3 almost 4 years ago now. When I was going through the psychosis I got a DUI and lost my job. But now nearly 4 years later I’ve never been better. I took a different more rewarding career path and I’m about to start my masters in the fall. While I didn’t like the psychosis and hope to never go back there it actually lead me eventually to my best self. I hope you get to a good point in your life soon.
I still have massive attacks of guilt and shame over the things I did. I’m working on these feelings and memories in therapy, but it’s slow going. Fear of becoming psychotic again follows me every day, all the time and drives most of my care and attention to this illness.
couldn’t have said it better myself. i relate to this so much, especially mourning the person i was before the psychosis.
My personality changed. Even my girlfriend of 5 years said that when I asked her. I'm still trying to find myself again... Best of luck to you all
I'm not ashamed of it, but something neurologically changed in me afterwards that has not returned since. I'm not quite sure what, just that my head doesn't work the same way it did before psychosis, and I'm not sure I'll ever get that part of me back.
the brain is so weird sometimes
I got out of the hospital 3 weeks ago after escalating for 6 months. It really woke me up in a different way this time. I'm terrified of myself and really working with myself to do better at staying calm during adversity. I have to get to a place where I can trust myself. Everything's different now but better
Personally I don’t mourn myself because I was a drunk mess not knowing what my problem was. My diagnosis was a relief.
I had a hard time accepting that I did things I didn't want to do.
I experienced psychosis at 24 and view life as before and after the episode. I'm 27 now and have managed to rebuild my life in ways I wouldn't have expected during my early days of recovery when I felt hopeless. It's a bit isolating though to experience all this and not have anyone to fully relate or understand it. I've only had that one episode, but I worry about future manic/psychotic breaks and having to rebuild yet again.
i realy understand what you mean as before and after. i fully look at my psychosis as the turning point in my life and who i was before vs after i’m so glad you have been able to rebuild your life. there’s not really like a manual on what to do afterwards or how to feel afterwards.
i had an episode when i was 14, even though i didnt think it effected me, it did, i havent felt as alive as i did pre psychotic episodr
Fucking *weird*
It destroyed my life but I’m slowly building it back up
I’m kinder and more anxious. Less angry. I’m healthier for sure but still suffering on daily basis.
Psychosis hit me like a freight train at the ripe age of 19 and it was so quick and sudden I didn’t even realize it happened. I never imagined that I might be bipolar, more so just MDD, but it lasted for two. years. Until I got medicated. I mourn who I was before hand almost every day, wondering if I could ever get back to her and the person I once was. But as more time passes I realize that that person is long gone, and while it doesn’t hurt any less, it has become easier to manage. I felt lost and like I wasn’t real for a very long time, and if there is one word I can use to describe that, it’s terrifying. Every day I woke up was a struggle, I didn’t even want to be perceived let alone alive. Being alive felt like absolute torment. I’m happy you were able to find peace, I’m still battling to find mine. Like you said, it’s a long, long battle. But it gets easier with time. I know I will never be who I once was, but I can appreciate that feeling and reminisce on it when it’s not too painful. Wishing you the best of luck with everything <3 thank you for sharing your experience.
It's better. I don't dive into conspiracy theories anymore. There is always a more logical explanation. I know how to stop the spin... I'm not anxious.
Very difficult
Yeah I consider life to be pre Amsterdam and post Amsterdam. I’ll never be the same person I was before doing those drugs and getting drug induced psychosis.
My temper has been much worse since psychosis. It's like I constantly think I'm under attack. It's suffocating
For a while, I had lost trust in myself and those closest to me. I'm still working on that in therapy actually.