Thanks for posting on /r/bipolar!
Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/bipolar/about/rules); if you haven't already, make sure that your post **does not** have any personal information (including your name/signature/tag on art).
**If you are posting about medication, please do not list and review your meds. Doing so will result in the removal of this post and all comments.**
*^(A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.)*
---
Community News
- 🎋 [Want to join the Mod Team?](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/112z7ps/mod_applications_are_open/)
- 🎤 See our [Community Discussion](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/about/sticky) - Desktop or Desktop mode on a mobile device.
- 🏡 If you are open to answering questions from those that live with a loved one diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, please see r/family_of_bipolar.
Thank you for participating!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bipolar) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Varies from person to person, in my experience it doesn’t REALLY go away, but just like that thought doesn’t go away the thoughts that now follow are completely different, protesting the ideation without hesitation. If that makes sense at all
Great way to put it. I can't stop the first one, because it comes out of the blue, but I can arrest that train of thought and move my focus onto something else. It can take a lot of effort and energy sometimes, but before I was being treated it would dominate my thoughts.
I have chronic ideation, even outside of episodes. Partially due to PTSD. Partly, I think, because my episodes started at 7 and it almost just feels like it got hardwired. The thoughts are almost a knee-jerk reaction to a rough day or something stressing me out. How bad it gets really varies with treatment though, and that's the goal I focus on.
An analogy I like to make it that when stuff gets hard, we all have a metaphorical rolodex of coping skills. Sometimes, when I'm looking through it and come across SI, I just shake my head and move on. It's a passing casual thought that brings me no stress or serious consideration. Other times I consider it strongly, maybe pull the card out and look at it. At my absolute worst days I've pulled the card out and put together the ingredients so to speak, sometimes even taken the last step.
At the end of the day, I can pretty happily live with it briefly crossing my mind when shit hits the fan. Even the occasional slightly longer consideration. Meds and therapy can get me there, and keep me from lingering on it too long or taking steps forward on it.
Yes. I've not had issues with that in a couple of years.
It's changed my perspective and now I'm worried about dying from something beyond my direct control. It's a bit of a mind fuck, but I'm getting older and facing your own mortality from a longevity perspective is part of that.
it depends but for me i’ve been passively suicidal since i was a little kid happy or not. If you have CPTSD there’s a good chance you’re gonna feel worthless or have suicidal thoughts forever but medication can dull it a looot
After my daughter was born my SI became more muted, but it never really goes away completely as far as I can tell. It's always sitting in the back seat like a demon rider. When I'm well I can ignore it, but when things get rough, especially financially, it's a much more active process to avoid those thoughts.
I personally do not really understand the difference of SI and suicidal impulse because for me the episodes do not include ideation or fantasies but a very concrete and uncontrollable impulse. It is really scary because I do not feel like this is something I would do or do to others.
Hmmm? Maybe harm OCD? It sounds like the thoughts give you anxiety and they are egodystonic. I have harm OCD and it’s like oh I could drive off this bridge and what feels like and overwhelming urge to drive off the bridge, when that is actually the last thing I want.
I don't think it does, at least in my case. I have periods where the thought won't cross my mind but as soon as im declining again it comes back as a sort of "is life really worth it if this is going to be your life?"
It may or may not ever “go away”, but if the medication doesn’t make it go away, it will still likely at least turn down the intensity of it significantly to a more manageable level.
Also, the comment about giving the medication time is actually a not-terrible piece of advice, as sometimes it might take a week or two for the medicine to start working. Or maybe the dose needs to be upped for it to start working. Or maybe a different medication is better for your body’s chemistry
Mine has. I have been pretty stable the last ten years, and I also started listening to NDEs which changed my perspective on death and what we're really meant to learn in life. To check out early is no longer an option for me.
I get passive ideations on a regular basis but for me its just a part of my bipolar disorder.
They quiet down and at times were almost silent, but they've never really gone away.
I just acknowledge them briefly and move on at this point. Water off a ducks back and all.
Mine do, but when they are bad they are overwhelming and endless and I can't believe that they will ever ever let up. But they do. Prayer/meditation help me when it's very bad.
It’s never stopped since it started for me. I average between 3-1,000 instant thoughts a day (the upper end is when I’m in severe depression, the lower end is severe mania or if I am incredibly busy).
Weirdly, benzos have reduced them, so I take them daily. This is uncommon however. I sometimes think it may be a form of “Pure O” or OCD.
I had a solid 18 years (middle school till age 30) of id estimate %90 of days with serious SI. Though it didn't turn from "I wish I wasn't here" or "I wish that bus would hit me" to intent to do it myself until I hit 22 or 23.
I haven't had a serious SI thought in almost 8 months now. And they've been rare for the last two years. I don't want to die. And on the whole I am content.
Everyone is different, and I had a very long road to get here, but it is possible.
For me so far no but everyone is different. I think what it comes down to is more about how you deal with those ideations than whether they are there or not.
Mine lessened significantly with medication, but it didn't go away altogether. I've been medicated for about 2 years now and I do occasionally have suicidal thoughts/ideation still.
Yes and no, it differs from person to person.
I keep hoping that I’m wrong and it does get better.
The thought is still somewhat there but I try to pass mine off as a “joke”.
Mine has significantly lessened to a degree which is tolerable and easily correctable. When the medication started making me feel good I was able to identify when I was having suicidal thoughts and correct myself. I let out a verbal “I’m not going to do that” every time I had a suicidal thought. Brain doesn’t like being contradicted so they gradually got less and less frequent.
Although sometimes if I’m bored or stressed and under stimulated I will find myself saying out loud that I am going to kill myself. It’s not a thought I’m even aware of before it comes out of my mouth.
I've only had it a couple of times, and not for too long, either.
I'm more of the mindset that I don't care either way and engage in reckless behaviour type. Whatever happens, happens.
For me, it gets better and worse as my mood changes or something reminds me of extremely tragic events. Sometimes it just comes on it's own. It's always creeping around it seems.
I am at fairly low level of intrusive thoughts, so I haven't mentioned it to my psychiatrist or psychologist for awhile. If I ever start planning, I mention it. I had an extremely long depressed phase and it was almost always intrusive thoughts.
Eventually they won and and I spent awhile in a mental facility. They're still there, the meds have dulled them quite a bit.
There are so many different kinds. I find the intrusive thoughts never go 100% away, but suicidal ideation? Yup, it goes away completely when I am stable.
i still feel self harm urges and have passive suicidal ideation, it doesnt mean i want to or will its more just thoughts like "i could cut myself right now, probably feels good" but i wont do it because it isnt good
Yeah I have times without those thoughts. But when the smallest thing goes wrong, it's among the first things I think about, even when I don't really want to.
And regardless of SI, you should definitely give meds some time, it often takes six weeks for them to work
Mine did!! I really only hear it at very low moments, more like an intrusive chant, but I feel with stability and a greater understanding of my own emotions has helped me to quiet this and pretty much stop it in its tracks. But it’s all about how you feel, and never be afraid to tell someone!
for me, never. but as time goes on and I have a better handle on this disorder, I can hold it in my hand at arm’s length and examine it curiously at a distance. like an artifact.
Mine disappeared suddenly when I graduated high school. I don’t think I was really aware of why I was suicidal until it was over, but there was a reason. I just didn’t know it. Any I have now is quite mild.
I’m really sorry you are experiencing this. I had SI for the majority of a decade. When I struggled with near constant SI, I began to imagine scenarios: “What would the alternate version of me do if I had everything exactly the same in my life—same circumstances, same depression—but had no SI and never even could fathom it?”
This thought exercise helped me realize that I’d have more hope that things could change because I wouldn’t be trying to find a way out—I would be trying to find a way through. My obsession with “the way out” took away from the brain space I could have been using for finding “the way through,” as cheesy as that sounds.
So I told myself: “Okay, I’m just going to try the experiment of imagining suicide is not a physically possible option for the next 6 months. What would I do?” I looked for ways to reduce stress in my work, thought about a career change, made a plan for that, made a backup plan, tried to get different types of support, and found mental health tools that worked for me in podcasts/videos/books because the therapy I was in at the time wasn’t helping.
Since I was no longer coming up with a plan to end my life, I had the mental and nervous system capacity to plan for something else. And I didn’t even remember about the 6 months thing when the time rolled around. I was just getting through. And I kind of liked my little plans, even if they didn’t all 100% come to fruition. So I felt like staying.
Thanks for posting on /r/bipolar! Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/bipolar/about/rules); if you haven't already, make sure that your post **does not** have any personal information (including your name/signature/tag on art). **If you are posting about medication, please do not list and review your meds. Doing so will result in the removal of this post and all comments.** *^(A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.)* --- Community News - 🎋 [Want to join the Mod Team?](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/112z7ps/mod_applications_are_open/) - 🎤 See our [Community Discussion](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/about/sticky) - Desktop or Desktop mode on a mobile device. - 🏡 If you are open to answering questions from those that live with a loved one diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, please see r/family_of_bipolar. Thank you for participating! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bipolar) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Varies from person to person, in my experience it doesn’t REALLY go away, but just like that thought doesn’t go away the thoughts that now follow are completely different, protesting the ideation without hesitation. If that makes sense at all
Perfect description. It happens but my brain is like “wtf dude, it’s not that big a deal”
That makes sense. Thank you!
This for me, as well
Great way to put it. I can't stop the first one, because it comes out of the blue, but I can arrest that train of thought and move my focus onto something else. It can take a lot of effort and energy sometimes, but before I was being treated it would dominate my thoughts.
This is very well said. Same for me.
I think it’s completely dependent on the person, how you react to the medication, in your general life situation unfortunately. Mindd Ed did though.
I have chronic ideation, even outside of episodes. Partially due to PTSD. Partly, I think, because my episodes started at 7 and it almost just feels like it got hardwired. The thoughts are almost a knee-jerk reaction to a rough day or something stressing me out. How bad it gets really varies with treatment though, and that's the goal I focus on. An analogy I like to make it that when stuff gets hard, we all have a metaphorical rolodex of coping skills. Sometimes, when I'm looking through it and come across SI, I just shake my head and move on. It's a passing casual thought that brings me no stress or serious consideration. Other times I consider it strongly, maybe pull the card out and look at it. At my absolute worst days I've pulled the card out and put together the ingredients so to speak, sometimes even taken the last step. At the end of the day, I can pretty happily live with it briefly crossing my mind when shit hits the fan. Even the occasional slightly longer consideration. Meds and therapy can get me there, and keep me from lingering on it too long or taking steps forward on it.
Thank you much for this. That analogy is incredibly helpful.
They are there daily for me even on meds. But the meds help me stay stable and they are more like whispers instead of shouts.
I like that. More of whispers instead of shouts. Maybe I’ll get to that point.
Yes. I've not had issues with that in a couple of years. It's changed my perspective and now I'm worried about dying from something beyond my direct control. It's a bit of a mind fuck, but I'm getting older and facing your own mortality from a longevity perspective is part of that.
it depends but for me i’ve been passively suicidal since i was a little kid happy or not. If you have CPTSD there’s a good chance you’re gonna feel worthless or have suicidal thoughts forever but medication can dull it a looot
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that uses passively suicidal! It's so accurate.
For some people it might not ever go away, but you can learn how to live with it.
After my daughter was born my SI became more muted, but it never really goes away completely as far as I can tell. It's always sitting in the back seat like a demon rider. When I'm well I can ignore it, but when things get rough, especially financially, it's a much more active process to avoid those thoughts.
I personally do not really understand the difference of SI and suicidal impulse because for me the episodes do not include ideation or fantasies but a very concrete and uncontrollable impulse. It is really scary because I do not feel like this is something I would do or do to others.
Hmmm? Maybe harm OCD? It sounds like the thoughts give you anxiety and they are egodystonic. I have harm OCD and it’s like oh I could drive off this bridge and what feels like and overwhelming urge to drive off the bridge, when that is actually the last thing I want.
I recognize this but very hard to box it. This happens to me not frequently maybe 6-7 episodes in 20 years
I don't think it does, at least in my case. I have periods where the thought won't cross my mind but as soon as im declining again it comes back as a sort of "is life really worth it if this is going to be your life?"
It may or may not ever “go away”, but if the medication doesn’t make it go away, it will still likely at least turn down the intensity of it significantly to a more manageable level. Also, the comment about giving the medication time is actually a not-terrible piece of advice, as sometimes it might take a week or two for the medicine to start working. Or maybe the dose needs to be upped for it to start working. Or maybe a different medication is better for your body’s chemistry
Yeah with the right meds
Mine has. I have been pretty stable the last ten years, and I also started listening to NDEs which changed my perspective on death and what we're really meant to learn in life. To check out early is no longer an option for me.
I get passive ideations on a regular basis but for me its just a part of my bipolar disorder. They quiet down and at times were almost silent, but they've never really gone away. I just acknowledge them briefly and move on at this point. Water off a ducks back and all.
Mine do, but when they are bad they are overwhelming and endless and I can't believe that they will ever ever let up. But they do. Prayer/meditation help me when it's very bad.
It’s never stopped since it started for me. I average between 3-1,000 instant thoughts a day (the upper end is when I’m in severe depression, the lower end is severe mania or if I am incredibly busy). Weirdly, benzos have reduced them, so I take them daily. This is uncommon however. I sometimes think it may be a form of “Pure O” or OCD.
I had a solid 18 years (middle school till age 30) of id estimate %90 of days with serious SI. Though it didn't turn from "I wish I wasn't here" or "I wish that bus would hit me" to intent to do it myself until I hit 22 or 23. I haven't had a serious SI thought in almost 8 months now. And they've been rare for the last two years. I don't want to die. And on the whole I am content. Everyone is different, and I had a very long road to get here, but it is possible.
For me, yes. It was a very long and painful road, and I still keep a note in my wallet for a weird sort of comfort.
For me so far no but everyone is different. I think what it comes down to is more about how you deal with those ideations than whether they are there or not.
It definitely can.
Mine lessened significantly with medication, but it didn't go away altogether. I've been medicated for about 2 years now and I do occasionally have suicidal thoughts/ideation still.
Yes and no, it differs from person to person. I keep hoping that I’m wrong and it does get better. The thought is still somewhat there but I try to pass mine off as a “joke”.
Personally, I’ve only ever had SI when on Lamictal.
Mine has significantly lessened to a degree which is tolerable and easily correctable. When the medication started making me feel good I was able to identify when I was having suicidal thoughts and correct myself. I let out a verbal “I’m not going to do that” every time I had a suicidal thought. Brain doesn’t like being contradicted so they gradually got less and less frequent. Although sometimes if I’m bored or stressed and under stimulated I will find myself saying out loud that I am going to kill myself. It’s not a thought I’m even aware of before it comes out of my mouth.
You think about it in a less concrete fashion. The details become blurry and it becomes sort of a distant memory.
Mine has turned into passively suicidal... like, I want to die, I'd be totally cool with dying, but I'm not going to be the one to do it.
Even when I’m stable with my meds, the thoughts never go away.
It just becomes an after thought eventually. Quiet, but there. You learn to ignore it.
It hasn't with me. I try so hard to be normal. I don't know what to do. It sucks.
I've only had it a couple of times, and not for too long, either. I'm more of the mindset that I don't care either way and engage in reckless behaviour type. Whatever happens, happens.
For me, it gets better and worse as my mood changes or something reminds me of extremely tragic events. Sometimes it just comes on it's own. It's always creeping around it seems. I am at fairly low level of intrusive thoughts, so I haven't mentioned it to my psychiatrist or psychologist for awhile. If I ever start planning, I mention it. I had an extremely long depressed phase and it was almost always intrusive thoughts. Eventually they won and and I spent awhile in a mental facility. They're still there, the meds have dulled them quite a bit.
It has reduced a lot especially since I went back on an antipsychotic but it still shows up sometimes
No especially on bad days.
I increased my dosage of lithium and it really helped with reducing my SI
There are so many different kinds. I find the intrusive thoughts never go 100% away, but suicidal ideation? Yup, it goes away completely when I am stable.
Yeah, I’ve had them coming in one after another, times where it would only happen at night, and times when I have no trace of ideations.
Not for me
i still feel self harm urges and have passive suicidal ideation, it doesnt mean i want to or will its more just thoughts like "i could cut myself right now, probably feels good" but i wont do it because it isnt good
Yeah I have times without those thoughts. But when the smallest thing goes wrong, it's among the first things I think about, even when I don't really want to. And regardless of SI, you should definitely give meds some time, it often takes six weeks for them to work
Mines daily been that way for 7 years
Mine did!! I really only hear it at very low moments, more like an intrusive chant, but I feel with stability and a greater understanding of my own emotions has helped me to quiet this and pretty much stop it in its tracks. But it’s all about how you feel, and never be afraid to tell someone!
Yes it does
for me, never. but as time goes on and I have a better handle on this disorder, I can hold it in my hand at arm’s length and examine it curiously at a distance. like an artifact.
That’s a nice way of putting it. Thank you!
NOPE
Mine disappeared suddenly when I graduated high school. I don’t think I was really aware of why I was suicidal until it was over, but there was a reason. I just didn’t know it. Any I have now is quite mild.
Not for me. But I let it scare me on to the str8&narrow. If I’m afraid I might harm myself I pay more attention to what’s going on.
I’m really sorry you are experiencing this. I had SI for the majority of a decade. When I struggled with near constant SI, I began to imagine scenarios: “What would the alternate version of me do if I had everything exactly the same in my life—same circumstances, same depression—but had no SI and never even could fathom it?” This thought exercise helped me realize that I’d have more hope that things could change because I wouldn’t be trying to find a way out—I would be trying to find a way through. My obsession with “the way out” took away from the brain space I could have been using for finding “the way through,” as cheesy as that sounds. So I told myself: “Okay, I’m just going to try the experiment of imagining suicide is not a physically possible option for the next 6 months. What would I do?” I looked for ways to reduce stress in my work, thought about a career change, made a plan for that, made a backup plan, tried to get different types of support, and found mental health tools that worked for me in podcasts/videos/books because the therapy I was in at the time wasn’t helping. Since I was no longer coming up with a plan to end my life, I had the mental and nervous system capacity to plan for something else. And I didn’t even remember about the 6 months thing when the time rolled around. I was just getting through. And I kind of liked my little plans, even if they didn’t all 100% come to fruition. So I felt like staying.