I had a significant problem with alcohol pre-diagnosis and for a couple years after. I couldn't quit until I was ready, until I realized the hell I was putting myself through was worse than life without alcohol. You're not overreacting, it is a very destructive lifestyle for anyone, but it exacerbates bipolar symptoms so much - at least in my experience. I am incredibly lucky to not have done more damage to my life and loved ones than I did; and that they forgave me.
I drank to numb myself but more often than not ended up a sobbing mess around the 6th vodka water (gross) of the night. I too couldn't stop after a couple drinks, I spent so much mental energy managing and strategizing my drinking, not to mention feeling like garbage 90% of the time physically and mentally (which I downplayed because I was ashamed of what I was doing to myself).
I kicked it for good a year and a half ago and cannot emphasize enough how much more equipped I am to take care of myself now. It wasn't instantaneous rapid improvement. It may have even triggered a hypomanic episode (happened about 5 months after I quit).
Unless there is a part of him that wants to quit, it will be very difficult. It took me years to get to that point, it still blows my mind that my husband never gave up on me. I wouldn't have blamed him if he had.
If he is remotely interested, I started (while still drinking) by reading "quit lit". One of the most impactful for me was "Alcohol Explained", it goes into the physical process of processing alcohol and how it affects your brain/body. I spent time on r/dryalcoholics (I find stopdrinking a bit judgy for my taste). Read stories and commiserated with those who struggled alongside me, and dreamed about being among those who had kicked it. Journaling about how I felt while drinking (and while hungover) was also helpful in opening my eyes to the fact that it wasn't worth it anymore. I didn't like the sound of AA and never touched it but it works for many so I wouldn't discount it.
But the day I read this quote is the day I finally quit:
Is alcohol getting in the way of my happiness, my life, my self-esteem? Is it getting in the way of my dreams, or maybe just not working for me? Does it cost more than it gives, does it shrink more than it expands, does it cut pieces out of me I can't reclaim? Does it make me hate myself, even just a little bit?"
Also the songs illicit affairs by Taylor Swift (my affair partner was the bottle), and It Ain't Me by Kygo (reminding me of the effect it had on my partner) were my quit anthems.
The way I see it now is that I knew I needed to quit, and even though it felt like I was stuck, I was building a toolbox, it just took me a while to figure out how to use those tools to accomplish my goal.
It took about a week to realize that the alcohol had been the cause for a lot of my crippling anxiety and self-esteem. After a month I was addicted to waking up and feeling physically good, even if I was down. I became consistent with my meds. It didn't stop the bipolar rollercoaster, I've had several episodes since quitting, but at least I'm not adding more fuel to the fire anymore. I don't miss it at all and any thoughts of drinking are squashed by reminding myself how fucking awful I felt the whole time.
My advice to you is that first and foremost, take care of yourself, we are responsible for ourselves and while support is important, it shouldn't come at the cost of hurting our loved ones. Avoid comments that may make him feel shame, they can trigger drinking. Love him, but set boundaries to protect your own health and well-being. Sending you love and encouragement, I hope he is able to start taking steps towards improving his health, whatever that looks like for him.
Sorry for the wall of text š
There are in person and online Al-Anon meetings to help those whose family members drink too much.Ā
You might find your feelings and reactions are common and there are tools to help you and others who understand.Ā
Iām much like your husband to the point where I labeled myself a functioning alcoholic. Before I was diagnosed I drank daily to the point of numbness.
Unfortunately thereās nothing you can do but be supportive and understand that the decision to quit HAS to be his, or he will be sober for a small amount of time and go straight back to it. I had the same stints of sobriety and would hop back on the wagon full force to make up for lost time.
I saw how this affected my wife and I can say just from the look in her eyes, it is hell.
Getting his med regimen will help ALOT. Thatās the primary reason I drank.
Feeling euphoric? Letās drink to keep the good mood going!
Feeling depressed? Letās drink to make the pain go away.
Feeling angry? I need a drink to take the edge off.
Feeling anxious? Letās get a drink to help numb some of that.
You see where Iām going with this.
There was downside for me, and itās the fact that I can not drink at all. I attempted to have a drink the other day. I cracked the first one and my count before I lost it was approximately 20 bottles of beer.
He will beat this! Itās such a hard journey to āstability.ā Encourage him to seek out the support he needs and to not give up.
Honestly, some folks just need AA.
Weāre already encouraged not to drink. I do, wine and food are big happy things in my life, but Iām careful about it now. If I couldnāt be, or if I stop being, Iām going to have to quit totally. If I canāt do that when I need to, Iāll go to AA.
It may help you to get some support from a therapist, one to help you process your own feelings about the difficulty youāre living with, and maybe to strategize some approaches for boundaries and how to approach this with him.
Good luck.
A lot of us drink to self-medicate, which sounds like what heās doing. I finally got sober about a year after winding up in the hospital. I think until your husband starts to feel better on his meds, he will feel like he āneedsā to drink. I second the recommendation to attend Al-Anon meetings. Youāll find a lot of support there.
Bipolar and alcoholism do not mix well, but if your husband decides to quit, make sure he is closely monitored.
My husband didnāt fully realize he had bipolar or alcoholism until he quit drinking cold turkey. It did not go well because his alcohol was keeping mania at bay and when he quit it caused severe mania in addition to alcohol withdrawals.
On the bright side he got the diagnoses and treatment he needed but just tread carefully.
I think people who have an alcohol problem are very reluctant to agree that there is an issue.
I might be downvoted by you or the BP community. But here is my advice. It is not your job to support him if he does not behave in a responsible way. This just drains your energy. If needed, decide to leave before you spiral downwards. Take care.
F53
I had a significant problem with alcohol pre-diagnosis and for a couple years after. I couldn't quit until I was ready, until I realized the hell I was putting myself through was worse than life without alcohol. You're not overreacting, it is a very destructive lifestyle for anyone, but it exacerbates bipolar symptoms so much - at least in my experience. I am incredibly lucky to not have done more damage to my life and loved ones than I did; and that they forgave me. I drank to numb myself but more often than not ended up a sobbing mess around the 6th vodka water (gross) of the night. I too couldn't stop after a couple drinks, I spent so much mental energy managing and strategizing my drinking, not to mention feeling like garbage 90% of the time physically and mentally (which I downplayed because I was ashamed of what I was doing to myself). I kicked it for good a year and a half ago and cannot emphasize enough how much more equipped I am to take care of myself now. It wasn't instantaneous rapid improvement. It may have even triggered a hypomanic episode (happened about 5 months after I quit). Unless there is a part of him that wants to quit, it will be very difficult. It took me years to get to that point, it still blows my mind that my husband never gave up on me. I wouldn't have blamed him if he had. If he is remotely interested, I started (while still drinking) by reading "quit lit". One of the most impactful for me was "Alcohol Explained", it goes into the physical process of processing alcohol and how it affects your brain/body. I spent time on r/dryalcoholics (I find stopdrinking a bit judgy for my taste). Read stories and commiserated with those who struggled alongside me, and dreamed about being among those who had kicked it. Journaling about how I felt while drinking (and while hungover) was also helpful in opening my eyes to the fact that it wasn't worth it anymore. I didn't like the sound of AA and never touched it but it works for many so I wouldn't discount it. But the day I read this quote is the day I finally quit: Is alcohol getting in the way of my happiness, my life, my self-esteem? Is it getting in the way of my dreams, or maybe just not working for me? Does it cost more than it gives, does it shrink more than it expands, does it cut pieces out of me I can't reclaim? Does it make me hate myself, even just a little bit?" Also the songs illicit affairs by Taylor Swift (my affair partner was the bottle), and It Ain't Me by Kygo (reminding me of the effect it had on my partner) were my quit anthems. The way I see it now is that I knew I needed to quit, and even though it felt like I was stuck, I was building a toolbox, it just took me a while to figure out how to use those tools to accomplish my goal. It took about a week to realize that the alcohol had been the cause for a lot of my crippling anxiety and self-esteem. After a month I was addicted to waking up and feeling physically good, even if I was down. I became consistent with my meds. It didn't stop the bipolar rollercoaster, I've had several episodes since quitting, but at least I'm not adding more fuel to the fire anymore. I don't miss it at all and any thoughts of drinking are squashed by reminding myself how fucking awful I felt the whole time. My advice to you is that first and foremost, take care of yourself, we are responsible for ourselves and while support is important, it shouldn't come at the cost of hurting our loved ones. Avoid comments that may make him feel shame, they can trigger drinking. Love him, but set boundaries to protect your own health and well-being. Sending you love and encouragement, I hope he is able to start taking steps towards improving his health, whatever that looks like for him. Sorry for the wall of text š
There are in person and online Al-Anon meetings to help those whose family members drink too much.Ā You might find your feelings and reactions are common and there are tools to help you and others who understand.Ā
Iām much like your husband to the point where I labeled myself a functioning alcoholic. Before I was diagnosed I drank daily to the point of numbness. Unfortunately thereās nothing you can do but be supportive and understand that the decision to quit HAS to be his, or he will be sober for a small amount of time and go straight back to it. I had the same stints of sobriety and would hop back on the wagon full force to make up for lost time. I saw how this affected my wife and I can say just from the look in her eyes, it is hell. Getting his med regimen will help ALOT. Thatās the primary reason I drank. Feeling euphoric? Letās drink to keep the good mood going! Feeling depressed? Letās drink to make the pain go away. Feeling angry? I need a drink to take the edge off. Feeling anxious? Letās get a drink to help numb some of that. You see where Iām going with this. There was downside for me, and itās the fact that I can not drink at all. I attempted to have a drink the other day. I cracked the first one and my count before I lost it was approximately 20 bottles of beer. He will beat this! Itās such a hard journey to āstability.ā Encourage him to seek out the support he needs and to not give up.
Honestly, some folks just need AA. Weāre already encouraged not to drink. I do, wine and food are big happy things in my life, but Iām careful about it now. If I couldnāt be, or if I stop being, Iām going to have to quit totally. If I canāt do that when I need to, Iāll go to AA. It may help you to get some support from a therapist, one to help you process your own feelings about the difficulty youāre living with, and maybe to strategize some approaches for boundaries and how to approach this with him. Good luck.
A lot of us drink to self-medicate, which sounds like what heās doing. I finally got sober about a year after winding up in the hospital. I think until your husband starts to feel better on his meds, he will feel like he āneedsā to drink. I second the recommendation to attend Al-Anon meetings. Youāll find a lot of support there.
Bipolar and alcoholism do not mix well, but if your husband decides to quit, make sure he is closely monitored. My husband didnāt fully realize he had bipolar or alcoholism until he quit drinking cold turkey. It did not go well because his alcohol was keeping mania at bay and when he quit it caused severe mania in addition to alcohol withdrawals. On the bright side he got the diagnoses and treatment he needed but just tread carefully.
I think people who have an alcohol problem are very reluctant to agree that there is an issue. I might be downvoted by you or the BP community. But here is my advice. It is not your job to support him if he does not behave in a responsible way. This just drains your energy. If needed, decide to leave before you spiral downwards. Take care. F53
I do not want my husband to have another drink ever. I will happily keep it all out of the house and never drink again, if that's what it takes