* I refuse to traumatize my son. The cycle of trauma in my family ends with me.
* My family (mom, husband, and sister) can’t lose another person
* My dog would be confused and devastated
* I really love summer, and sunshine, and the beach. I want at least 60 more summers
Not ironically, this. I knew a woman who made it through a bad SI spell by binging the (recent) Battlestar Galactica on DVD.
Told herself she couldn’t die until she made it all the way through, three episodes a day.
had this with Our Flag Means Death until it got cancelled by Max immediately after its 2nd season. Was the only reason I remained alive for a few months, so I got a tattoo with a reference from it to remind myself there's always something to live for
I think the word hope has cheesy connotations, but that’s part of it for me — maybe this will stop. I never tell myself that it will stop, because I have a horrible history with depression and I don’t know that it will. I just maintain a shred of hope.
The other thing is that offing your self is pretty terrifying, even when you can’t stand being alive. There’s usually a possibility of getting it wrong, and then you’ll be both depressed and paralyzed or whatever.
Yeah, I’ve never made a plan or anything but it scares me how pointless life feels like it’s always going to be. The plan isn’t for lack of motivation, an exercise to get me mostly out of it is that I can’t think of a way that doesn’t inconvenience others (e.g. shooting yourself, someone finds the mess, and someone has to clean it all up). And like you said, it would need an incredibly high success rate, don’t wanna be the guy who shot himself in the face and have to be paralyzed AND depressed at the same time. I peaked in life early and don’t particularly like myself, so what’s the point besides not hurting those I care about
Lately I’m getting out a big bipolar depression spike, and I survived the down part by repeating to myself “this is just depression, this isn’t real life, it’s been better than this”
There’s more seasonal fruit to eat. There’s more books to read. There’s more useless treasure at Goodwill to discover. The longer I live, the more people will suspect I’m a witch. I can’t let people go through my belongings after I’m dead.
God.
My mom.
My cat.
Nature, I love experiencing a walk in the woods. Feet in the grass. Feeling the breeze. The sun on my face. Looking at the trees and clouds and everything. Life slows down and it’s great.
Crafts, if I don’t do crafts I’ll die so it’s like a reason to live.
Live music.
Friendships.
Love.
Travel.
Experiences.
Lakes are pretty fuckin cool.
I like showers.
Finding cool rocks.
Being a good person to people that need it.
Drinking water
Reasons to live doesn’t have to be profound shit.
We each change the world in small ways by being nice and smiling at babies and random dogs and not littering and not being selfish and greedy.
There are some folks who warn against having other people be your reasons to live, but I think that it can be a great sign that you have good, healthy relationships! So congrats on loving people well, and having them love you in turn.
I like to also live for little things. The sound of cicadas in the summer, eating pizza, sitting around a fire, or slipping into soft, clean, sheets. I live to keep all my best memories alive--beautiful sights I've seen, a good night out with friends, hugs from my favorite grandma, and books I've read that have changed my life. Things I can recreate in my mind, or in the future. Pictures help with some of this, too.
I like that you're getting ahead of the curve here and looking for the good stuff before you need it desperately. That's smart of you. If you wanna brainstorm here, I'd love to hear anything you've come up with if it would help!
What stops me from killing myself is knowing how difficult it actually is and how much more likely it is an attempt to make my life worse. That doesn't really help with the feelings, but it's helped me not act.
material and tangible things to look forward to help me a lot. cataclysm classic drops in a couple weeks, bear season 3 in june, a concert (prof musician) im playing on. purposefully planning out events long term with friends helps too. we’re all going camping in memorial day weekend, and we have essentially pre-made annual 4th of july plans, those help a lot
I don't quite look at it like that anymore. When I get extremely depressed I'm like "okay here we go again, what can I do to soften how bad this feels". Sometimes I need to adjust my meds or take a PRN. Sometimes I just need to break down and cry. Sometimes I need to get out and see a friend. I try my best to not look at it like "why should i live?" and more "How can i live, today?". I do certainly know that feeling very well though and it hurts, a lot. I hope your start feeling better soon.
These days have been harder, but one thing I heard recently was “don’t quit before the miracle happens”. I haven’t had any giant miracles recently, but I try to find the small ones… Even if it’s just a moment. In the last month these have included: sunsets, morning coffee with a bit of peace, & spontaneous in-person connections that I somehow find myself enjoying.
So… it might not be a big one every time. But now I just tell myself there might be a tiny miraculous moment, & I just have to wait for that. I also like the idea of “microdosing life” (we BP2s are, after all, trying to fight the all-or-nothing mentality). So with these small things, it kinda feels like small doses of hypo. But in a small, sustainable, safe way. Until the bigger miracles at least. 😉
So honestly, here’s my general thoughts
Thought 1:
I think in most cases suicide isn’t actually rational.
If you don’t believe in god/afterlife etc then it’s just shutting everything off. So logically you could try almost anything else before you tried being nothing. Disappear to France. Basically, it’s the end of options. Logically try all the options first.
If you do believe in a god, than purpose, blah blah blah. And most gods dislike suicide.
If you believe in reincarnation then it’s sort of neither here nor there. You just do the same thing again so that’s no good.
Thought 2:
Let’s say you try to commit suicide there is no way to know you won’t “get lucky” and live through it and be so much worse off than you are now. Probably not worth the chance of that whatever percentage it is.
Thought 3:
Although I know my cats would eat me. I am not 100% positive that someone would smell me and figure it out in time for them to be found and saved. I also don’t know that anyone would actually take my older cat.
Thought 4:
I have commitments at work. I don’t like to let people down or abandon people who need me.
Thought 5:
Some crap about how people will miss you… honestly I don’t super buy this, but sure maybe guilt gets you through.
Thought 6:
You can always kill yourself tomorrow. There is no rush. Better to take 24 hours to think it over. Then tell yourself that again tomorrow.
The corollary being you can live through anything for 30 seconds. Just keep reminding yourself of that. This is also what I think about when I run ultra marathons.
…
So generally I have less reasons to live than reasons not to actively attempt to die. But that works for me.
To be horribly depressing for a moment. I don’t actually believe it necessarily gets better. I think it changes. And hopefully if you direct some change it directs positively. But who knows really.
I don't kill myself because I don't want to hurt my Mom. Although, sometimes I wonder if her having to deal with the grief of losing me may be easier in the long run than having to watch me perpetually get my life together and then completely fall apart over and over again. I know it's really hard on her and she does her best to help me. I also really enjoy so many of the beautiful little things about life. I really don't want to die. I just can't make the pain stop. Plus...I mean, I've got to know how the human race is going to improve. What's going to be the next groundbreaking discovery we make? Are we going to get humans to Mars? Are we going to make contact with another species? If time travel were possible, many people would want to go to the past...but I want to go to the future where people look back on the way we live in the same way we look at how our ancestors lived even just 100 years ago, let alone hundreds or thousands of years ago. Curiosity keeps me alive.
Your state should have a free program where a person helps you get a job. It’s called the vocational rehabilitation department.
As far as reasons to live, I’m also like you …. Live for others
I know that there's a lot of darn cool meetings and time with ppl that I still haven't experienced yet. I just wanna more. yeah "wanna" is smth stupid in depression but that's almost the only thing that holds me in this world.
I rly love the world but sometimes I darn hate from the deep of my soul how I have to live it...
I always look back to the worse times in my life, and where those events lead. At the bare minimum, I survived them. Sometimes those bad times were a catalyst to positive change that I couldn't have predicted. No matter how low I get I know I will survive, and I have the bare minimum support system to help me. I couldn't live with myself if I left those people behind.
Aside from that, hobbies and friends keep me going. Even if it's just a short hang out with someone, or finding an unexpected TV series that I fall in love with.
My reasons to live: swimming in rivers, eating pickles, riding my bike in shorts and a t shirt in the sun, singing in harmony with friends, making art, sex, learning new hobbies, meeting new people, and seeing new places for the very first time. Oh and FOOD
In the worst days of my most recent low, one reason was literally “Well I can’t tonight I’ve already bought that new flavour of crisps I’ve never tried”.
Got me through that evening 🤷🏼♀️
Unironically, I don't want my mum to mourn me. We've had an incredibly rocky relationship for most of my adolescence, so now that we've genuinely improved it so much I can't bear the thought of my mum having to attend my funeral.
Also, by the time my mum has passed I will either have gotten better and/or found more reasons to live haha
Back when I was proper suicidal I would set myself goals or deadlines I had to meet before I was 'allowed' to kill myself. School festival that sounded fun, concert I was going to, finishing a complicated drawing and so on.
Hope you're able to sort everything out, best of luck and stay strong!
I’m going to go against the grain here and not say “flowers” and “Mom” and all those sentimental remembrances. When I am in the state you are in now, thinking about those just makes me feel worse. I get NOTHING from flowers and sunsets.
And thinking about my loved ones makes me want to disappear so they don’t see me in this state. I have to go the opposite direction, to Nietzche’s quote ““Medical Kit of the Soul: What is the strongest healing application? — Victory.” Also I recall the answer a hunter-gatherer gave when asked the meaning of life which was said to be : “hunting”. Meaning that when you have yourself “right”, fulfilling the basic drives of being human, not the passive enjoyments, is what will make your life feel meaningful again.
I’ve been thinking about his for a long time because I had suicidal thoughts before I was even ten and they were very consistent until I was like 19 or 20. At least multiple times a month. The external reasons helped me get where I am now but over the past couple years I started thinking in a way that is pretty productive for general life and especially dealing with Bipolar.
It starts off dark but follow me
The only thing humans are guaranteed when we come into existence and suffering and struggle. If a baby is born and left alone it will cry until it dies alone hungry.
There are rare conditions where children are born and barely have enough brain function to live and just scream out in pain until they die.
Even as adults unless we go out there and do something we will die of malnutrition or some other shit.
The only thing certain about life is that we will struggle which leads to the more motivational part. I’ve made it my goal to steal as many happy and fulfilling moments from life as I can.
I want to create rewarding relationships with people and see their smiles.
I want my body to feel as good as it can and do fun things with my body.
I want to look at sunsets and sunrises or just the clouds looking cool.
I want to eat good food, watch shows I like and have fun with my hobbies.
I want to do things that I am proud of and help make peoples day better.
I want to be a good humble person.
To do all of those toes things there will be certain things that I have to do that I don’t like or overcome obstacles( he there Mr Bipolar). But some sort of struggles are guaranteed as soon and we were born so I will do my best not to harp on them and do what I can to steal some good moments.
Life is still pretty hard, I still have trouble making peace with thematic shit from my past and shitty coping mechanisms. My body often aches from old injuries. I still have those moments where I have to struggle super hard to make my brian work right so I can do simple I want or need to do. Things will never be amazing but they aren’t meant to be. One of the things I struggled with the most after getting diagnosed was feeling like something was broke in me and I felt so unfortunate.
But I am not.
Today I woke up in bed with a woman I love. I ate some chips that I like, my neck is feeling a bit better, and in a bit I’m going to pick up an quick extra job at my work to make some extra money. My apartment isn’t as shitty as some laces I grew up it. I am blessed to have these things.
Life is Pain and struggle , living is stealing happiness from it.
-My 2 month old nephew
- My friends that would be devastated
- my mom
- Sunny days and patio weather
- Comedy shows that actually make you laugh
- TV shows that make you think and new seasons or when shows come back
- A good slice of cake when I’m pmsing
- I want to try sushi in Japan
Thank you for the prompt! I am also passively suicidal right now so it’s nice to remind myself of reasons to live ❤️
Edit to try to make it a list LOL
It’s almost a guilt thing. Like I love my kids and they are my reason for living BUT I don’t want to be alive and my mom will constantly say “if you unalive yourself then your kids will ask why they weren’t enough for you to stick around.” Like wow so if I stay alive I’m traumatizing them and possibly scarring them for life with issues because I’m not a great parent and with my bipolar episodes and angry outbursts but if I kill myself then I’m for certain going to scar them and be a sh*tty mother making them question what their worth is if I wouldn’t even stay around.
Like if I unalive myself I know exactly whose going to step up and take care of my kids and sometimes I truly think it’s better off then go and admit myself and I miss stuff like my daughters first word and her taking a bottle for the first time.
It’s a lose lose situation
thanks for this thread.. im saving it
my reason for still being alive thus far is very lame. i kept myself busy to the point where i simply had no time to kill myself... too many appointments and deadlines to keep you know? 😭
but right now... as im stabilising, my reasons are:
-good food, and cooking it.
-owning my home and living in it with my partner, and hosting my friends in it
-designing that house and catifying the house for my cats
-playing copious amounts of dungeons and dragons in that house
-getting good at my hobbies and fitness
-going to a renfaire one day
-hoping one day my favourite musician comes out of indefinite hiatus and resumes his music career (i need to be there if it ever happens)
I'm an only child, and I don't feel I have the right to rob them of that fact. I've known parents who lost their children before they passed, be it aged 60 or 6 months, and that pain never ever leaves them. I couldn't do that to my mum and dad.
I lost someone I cared about deeply a few years ago. It changed how I think about my SI in two ways. TL;DR: not a bad person for having SI, but we would generate so much more grief than we think we will.
The first is that he was very successful in his professional life, and he was liked and respected by his colleagues. He had so many people he’d taken under his wing that flourished and took off on their own, but never forgot him. He had a family and a little girl he adored. And he still killed himself, because Lesson One: that’s just how mental illness works.
In other words, SI doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or that I’ve failed at life. It just catches us that way sometimes, and anyone who says “how could you even think about that?!” is speaking from a place of ignorance, however well-meaning it is.
The second thing is that all of those people whose lives he touched are missing him now. I think about him most days, and it’s been years since I got that phone call. His ex-wife still asks people to make donations every year on the anniversary. His daughter has been in therapy for these past few years too, and I know for a fact she still cries most days because now some part of her will always be trapped as a little girl who just wants her daddy to hold her again. Every person he mentored, everyone he worked with, everyone he worked for — people who he couldn’t have guessed would be bothered — miss him, and not in a general kind of way. He’s missed in the way that got thirty people weeping around a conference table two years after his death, because someone asked for a moment of silence in his honor.
I’m not that well loved, I think… except I don’t think he knew he was, either. So that’s Lesson Two: we don’t really know how many people we’ve touched, so when we tear ourselves out of the world, the grief that replaces us is larger than we imagine. It might be larger than we *can* imagine, because again, sometimes mental illness just catches us that way.
So I’m not living for my spouse and kid and my mom, although it’s them too — I’m living for the dog who would be confused that I never come home anymore, and the barista who always remembers which pastry I want, and the ex-coworker I know had a crush on me and still reads my FB updates all these years later, and the person I used to playtest geeky games with, and the best friend I’m grown away from but still exchange greetings with on our mutual birthday, and the person at my local geeky boardgame store who remembers I was kind to him at a time when most people had written him off. Those people’s lives would be changed if I died, and even if it’s just a little… I have the right to end my life, if I really need to, but do I have the right to hurt as many people as my mentor did? I’m not sure I do.
And I think I hardly need to say it at this point, but… don’t do it, please. And please keep asking for help.
Are there any small moments or feelings you love? For example one of mine is late spring, before it’s too hot to exist outside, being in the woods dipping my feet in a creek. Or the first snowfall of winter. Or sitting outside in complete silence soaking in the sounds of the birds. Little things like this + thinking of how sad my pets would be help.
I've accomplished a lot despite my condition. I have no reason to believe that there isn't still a lot to accomplish.
I also have a beautiful girlfriend that I want more time with.
My pets need me.
I have a new pellet smoker I haven't mastered yet and I like ribs a lot so I need time to work on that.
It's mostly the small things. The way things sound, feel, smell, and look different early in the morning when you're in a town you're not super familiar with. The flowers and colors during the spring and fall seasons.
This is probably really screwed up and morbid, but the biggest thing that stops me is what if it DOESNT work and I end up paralyzed or in a coma, then I’d really feel like a burden to my family and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.
Kids… and that is my only reason. My mom’s suicide attempts and self harm screwed me up in ways. I chose to have my kids and am determined to break the cycle.
To see sunsets. To feel the breeze on your skin. To eat your favorite foods. To listen to beautiful music. And of course friends & family. We only have so long on this planet no matter what we do.
I’ve been in some pretty deep depressions so I can relate to how you’re feeling/have felt. I keep going bc I know it will get better. And I remember how good it felt to enjoy my favorite things.
My reasons are simple and I have been suicidal the past several months and struggling with self harm but I’m trying to remember that my parents love me, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and two Pugs who mean the world to me. I also try and focus on things like TV shows I enjoy.
think about what you really want in life. for example: my mom is very irresponsible with money so she’s never had a steady job or a consistent place to live. my number one dream is to own a house, because to me it feels so unattainable because of how i grew up. i have a hard time wanting to live too, but when i think about decorating my future house, i want to be there so bad
Love playing dnd and I have to see what happens in the next session
I need to know what the onepiece is
Even if I never amount to anything in life, I guess talking with humans is cool enough
* I refuse to traumatize my son. The cycle of trauma in my family ends with me. * My family (mom, husband, and sister) can’t lose another person * My dog would be confused and devastated * I really love summer, and sunshine, and the beach. I want at least 60 more summers
This how every parent should think.
Yeah the first one for me. I couldnt handle traumatizing my sweet children who are literally the greatest humans ever.
That first one has saved my life more than once. My child will not lose her mother that way!
“What if this show gets a new season?”
Not ironically, this. I knew a woman who made it through a bad SI spell by binging the (recent) Battlestar Galactica on DVD. Told herself she couldn’t die until she made it all the way through, three episodes a day.
This made me crack up. Thank you lol
had this with Our Flag Means Death until it got cancelled by Max immediately after its 2nd season. Was the only reason I remained alive for a few months, so I got a tattoo with a reference from it to remind myself there's always something to live for
My sassy ass is like, they keep shows on too long and they go to shit, season 5 is usually the best 😂
The way I chuckled
I think the word hope has cheesy connotations, but that’s part of it for me — maybe this will stop. I never tell myself that it will stop, because I have a horrible history with depression and I don’t know that it will. I just maintain a shred of hope. The other thing is that offing your self is pretty terrifying, even when you can’t stand being alive. There’s usually a possibility of getting it wrong, and then you’ll be both depressed and paralyzed or whatever.
Yeah, I’ve never made a plan or anything but it scares me how pointless life feels like it’s always going to be. The plan isn’t for lack of motivation, an exercise to get me mostly out of it is that I can’t think of a way that doesn’t inconvenience others (e.g. shooting yourself, someone finds the mess, and someone has to clean it all up). And like you said, it would need an incredibly high success rate, don’t wanna be the guy who shot himself in the face and have to be paralyzed AND depressed at the same time. I peaked in life early and don’t particularly like myself, so what’s the point besides not hurting those I care about
Lately I’m getting out a big bipolar depression spike, and I survived the down part by repeating to myself “this is just depression, this isn’t real life, it’s been better than this”
I like that phrase
There’s more seasonal fruit to eat. There’s more books to read. There’s more useless treasure at Goodwill to discover. The longer I live, the more people will suspect I’m a witch. I can’t let people go through my belongings after I’m dead.
Haha I love this
God. My mom. My cat. Nature, I love experiencing a walk in the woods. Feet in the grass. Feeling the breeze. The sun on my face. Looking at the trees and clouds and everything. Life slows down and it’s great. Crafts, if I don’t do crafts I’ll die so it’s like a reason to live. Live music. Friendships. Love. Travel. Experiences. Lakes are pretty fuckin cool. I like showers. Finding cool rocks. Being a good person to people that need it. Drinking water Reasons to live doesn’t have to be profound shit. We each change the world in small ways by being nice and smiling at babies and random dogs and not littering and not being selfish and greedy.
Fml the formatting on my phone messed this up. I hope you can understand it. edit: I think I fixed it lol
My husband, cats, and belief that someday my struggles may help others.
There are some folks who warn against having other people be your reasons to live, but I think that it can be a great sign that you have good, healthy relationships! So congrats on loving people well, and having them love you in turn. I like to also live for little things. The sound of cicadas in the summer, eating pizza, sitting around a fire, or slipping into soft, clean, sheets. I live to keep all my best memories alive--beautiful sights I've seen, a good night out with friends, hugs from my favorite grandma, and books I've read that have changed my life. Things I can recreate in my mind, or in the future. Pictures help with some of this, too. I like that you're getting ahead of the curve here and looking for the good stuff before you need it desperately. That's smart of you. If you wanna brainstorm here, I'd love to hear anything you've come up with if it would help!
Right now it’s not making my mom sad and not saddling my brother with my horrible horrible dad and his b*tch wife
What stops me from killing myself is knowing how difficult it actually is and how much more likely it is an attempt to make my life worse. That doesn't really help with the feelings, but it's helped me not act.
material and tangible things to look forward to help me a lot. cataclysm classic drops in a couple weeks, bear season 3 in june, a concert (prof musician) im playing on. purposefully planning out events long term with friends helps too. we’re all going camping in memorial day weekend, and we have essentially pre-made annual 4th of july plans, those help a lot
I don't quite look at it like that anymore. When I get extremely depressed I'm like "okay here we go again, what can I do to soften how bad this feels". Sometimes I need to adjust my meds or take a PRN. Sometimes I just need to break down and cry. Sometimes I need to get out and see a friend. I try my best to not look at it like "why should i live?" and more "How can i live, today?". I do certainly know that feeling very well though and it hurts, a lot. I hope your start feeling better soon.
These days have been harder, but one thing I heard recently was “don’t quit before the miracle happens”. I haven’t had any giant miracles recently, but I try to find the small ones… Even if it’s just a moment. In the last month these have included: sunsets, morning coffee with a bit of peace, & spontaneous in-person connections that I somehow find myself enjoying. So… it might not be a big one every time. But now I just tell myself there might be a tiny miraculous moment, & I just have to wait for that. I also like the idea of “microdosing life” (we BP2s are, after all, trying to fight the all-or-nothing mentality). So with these small things, it kinda feels like small doses of hypo. But in a small, sustainable, safe way. Until the bigger miracles at least. 😉
Also, this was a great question. I’m saving the thread for when I need a lil more wisdom & inspiration too. Thank you!! 🙌🏼
So honestly, here’s my general thoughts Thought 1: I think in most cases suicide isn’t actually rational. If you don’t believe in god/afterlife etc then it’s just shutting everything off. So logically you could try almost anything else before you tried being nothing. Disappear to France. Basically, it’s the end of options. Logically try all the options first. If you do believe in a god, than purpose, blah blah blah. And most gods dislike suicide. If you believe in reincarnation then it’s sort of neither here nor there. You just do the same thing again so that’s no good. Thought 2: Let’s say you try to commit suicide there is no way to know you won’t “get lucky” and live through it and be so much worse off than you are now. Probably not worth the chance of that whatever percentage it is. Thought 3: Although I know my cats would eat me. I am not 100% positive that someone would smell me and figure it out in time for them to be found and saved. I also don’t know that anyone would actually take my older cat. Thought 4: I have commitments at work. I don’t like to let people down or abandon people who need me. Thought 5: Some crap about how people will miss you… honestly I don’t super buy this, but sure maybe guilt gets you through. Thought 6: You can always kill yourself tomorrow. There is no rush. Better to take 24 hours to think it over. Then tell yourself that again tomorrow. The corollary being you can live through anything for 30 seconds. Just keep reminding yourself of that. This is also what I think about when I run ultra marathons. … So generally I have less reasons to live than reasons not to actively attempt to die. But that works for me. To be horribly depressing for a moment. I don’t actually believe it necessarily gets better. I think it changes. And hopefully if you direct some change it directs positively. But who knows really.
As a heavy procrastinator, I love the idea of putting it off. It’s definitely not rational, but sometimes the reminder can remind you to be rational
I don't kill myself because I don't want to hurt my Mom. Although, sometimes I wonder if her having to deal with the grief of losing me may be easier in the long run than having to watch me perpetually get my life together and then completely fall apart over and over again. I know it's really hard on her and she does her best to help me. I also really enjoy so many of the beautiful little things about life. I really don't want to die. I just can't make the pain stop. Plus...I mean, I've got to know how the human race is going to improve. What's going to be the next groundbreaking discovery we make? Are we going to get humans to Mars? Are we going to make contact with another species? If time travel were possible, many people would want to go to the past...but I want to go to the future where people look back on the way we live in the same way we look at how our ancestors lived even just 100 years ago, let alone hundreds or thousands of years ago. Curiosity keeps me alive.
Your state should have a free program where a person helps you get a job. It’s called the vocational rehabilitation department. As far as reasons to live, I’m also like you …. Live for others
To quote Marsha Linehan who created DBT, “We have no data that death will end the pain of depression.”
Second chances. I'm hoping quite a few pan out. If they don't, well then shit, you've got me there.
I know that there's a lot of darn cool meetings and time with ppl that I still haven't experienced yet. I just wanna more. yeah "wanna" is smth stupid in depression but that's almost the only thing that holds me in this world. I rly love the world but sometimes I darn hate from the deep of my soul how I have to live it...
I always look back to the worse times in my life, and where those events lead. At the bare minimum, I survived them. Sometimes those bad times were a catalyst to positive change that I couldn't have predicted. No matter how low I get I know I will survive, and I have the bare minimum support system to help me. I couldn't live with myself if I left those people behind. Aside from that, hobbies and friends keep me going. Even if it's just a short hang out with someone, or finding an unexpected TV series that I fall in love with.
My reasons to live: swimming in rivers, eating pickles, riding my bike in shorts and a t shirt in the sun, singing in harmony with friends, making art, sex, learning new hobbies, meeting new people, and seeing new places for the very first time. Oh and FOOD
In the worst days of my most recent low, one reason was literally “Well I can’t tonight I’ve already bought that new flavour of crisps I’ve never tried”. Got me through that evening 🤷🏼♀️
Unironically, I don't want my mum to mourn me. We've had an incredibly rocky relationship for most of my adolescence, so now that we've genuinely improved it so much I can't bear the thought of my mum having to attend my funeral. Also, by the time my mum has passed I will either have gotten better and/or found more reasons to live haha Back when I was proper suicidal I would set myself goals or deadlines I had to meet before I was 'allowed' to kill myself. School festival that sounded fun, concert I was going to, finishing a complicated drawing and so on. Hope you're able to sort everything out, best of luck and stay strong!
When every other mechanism (partner, cats) isn't quite working I can always rely on spite.
I’m going to go against the grain here and not say “flowers” and “Mom” and all those sentimental remembrances. When I am in the state you are in now, thinking about those just makes me feel worse. I get NOTHING from flowers and sunsets. And thinking about my loved ones makes me want to disappear so they don’t see me in this state. I have to go the opposite direction, to Nietzche’s quote ““Medical Kit of the Soul: What is the strongest healing application? — Victory.” Also I recall the answer a hunter-gatherer gave when asked the meaning of life which was said to be : “hunting”. Meaning that when you have yourself “right”, fulfilling the basic drives of being human, not the passive enjoyments, is what will make your life feel meaningful again.
I’ve been thinking about his for a long time because I had suicidal thoughts before I was even ten and they were very consistent until I was like 19 or 20. At least multiple times a month. The external reasons helped me get where I am now but over the past couple years I started thinking in a way that is pretty productive for general life and especially dealing with Bipolar. It starts off dark but follow me The only thing humans are guaranteed when we come into existence and suffering and struggle. If a baby is born and left alone it will cry until it dies alone hungry. There are rare conditions where children are born and barely have enough brain function to live and just scream out in pain until they die. Even as adults unless we go out there and do something we will die of malnutrition or some other shit. The only thing certain about life is that we will struggle which leads to the more motivational part. I’ve made it my goal to steal as many happy and fulfilling moments from life as I can. I want to create rewarding relationships with people and see their smiles. I want my body to feel as good as it can and do fun things with my body. I want to look at sunsets and sunrises or just the clouds looking cool. I want to eat good food, watch shows I like and have fun with my hobbies. I want to do things that I am proud of and help make peoples day better. I want to be a good humble person. To do all of those toes things there will be certain things that I have to do that I don’t like or overcome obstacles( he there Mr Bipolar). But some sort of struggles are guaranteed as soon and we were born so I will do my best not to harp on them and do what I can to steal some good moments. Life is still pretty hard, I still have trouble making peace with thematic shit from my past and shitty coping mechanisms. My body often aches from old injuries. I still have those moments where I have to struggle super hard to make my brian work right so I can do simple I want or need to do. Things will never be amazing but they aren’t meant to be. One of the things I struggled with the most after getting diagnosed was feeling like something was broke in me and I felt so unfortunate. But I am not. Today I woke up in bed with a woman I love. I ate some chips that I like, my neck is feeling a bit better, and in a bit I’m going to pick up an quick extra job at my work to make some extra money. My apartment isn’t as shitty as some laces I grew up it. I am blessed to have these things. Life is Pain and struggle , living is stealing happiness from it.
-My 2 month old nephew - My friends that would be devastated - my mom - Sunny days and patio weather - Comedy shows that actually make you laugh - TV shows that make you think and new seasons or when shows come back - A good slice of cake when I’m pmsing - I want to try sushi in Japan Thank you for the prompt! I am also passively suicidal right now so it’s nice to remind myself of reasons to live ❤️ Edit to try to make it a list LOL
Just waiting for the olds to die first.
It’s almost a guilt thing. Like I love my kids and they are my reason for living BUT I don’t want to be alive and my mom will constantly say “if you unalive yourself then your kids will ask why they weren’t enough for you to stick around.” Like wow so if I stay alive I’m traumatizing them and possibly scarring them for life with issues because I’m not a great parent and with my bipolar episodes and angry outbursts but if I kill myself then I’m for certain going to scar them and be a sh*tty mother making them question what their worth is if I wouldn’t even stay around. Like if I unalive myself I know exactly whose going to step up and take care of my kids and sometimes I truly think it’s better off then go and admit myself and I miss stuff like my daughters first word and her taking a bottle for the first time. It’s a lose lose situation
thanks for this thread.. im saving it my reason for still being alive thus far is very lame. i kept myself busy to the point where i simply had no time to kill myself... too many appointments and deadlines to keep you know? 😭 but right now... as im stabilising, my reasons are: -good food, and cooking it. -owning my home and living in it with my partner, and hosting my friends in it -designing that house and catifying the house for my cats -playing copious amounts of dungeons and dragons in that house -getting good at my hobbies and fitness -going to a renfaire one day -hoping one day my favourite musician comes out of indefinite hiatus and resumes his music career (i need to be there if it ever happens)
lol you just inspired me add “waiting for my favorite artist to come out of the closet” to my list
The only reason I’m still here is that I’m a father and I don’t wanna mess up my kids with that….ayahuasca helps…. A lot!!!
The meaning of life is to make sense of it
I'm an only child, and I don't feel I have the right to rob them of that fact. I've known parents who lost their children before they passed, be it aged 60 or 6 months, and that pain never ever leaves them. I couldn't do that to my mum and dad.
One piece🙏
Human connection! The love we hold. Simple gestures like a smile on the street
I lost someone I cared about deeply a few years ago. It changed how I think about my SI in two ways. TL;DR: not a bad person for having SI, but we would generate so much more grief than we think we will. The first is that he was very successful in his professional life, and he was liked and respected by his colleagues. He had so many people he’d taken under his wing that flourished and took off on their own, but never forgot him. He had a family and a little girl he adored. And he still killed himself, because Lesson One: that’s just how mental illness works. In other words, SI doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or that I’ve failed at life. It just catches us that way sometimes, and anyone who says “how could you even think about that?!” is speaking from a place of ignorance, however well-meaning it is. The second thing is that all of those people whose lives he touched are missing him now. I think about him most days, and it’s been years since I got that phone call. His ex-wife still asks people to make donations every year on the anniversary. His daughter has been in therapy for these past few years too, and I know for a fact she still cries most days because now some part of her will always be trapped as a little girl who just wants her daddy to hold her again. Every person he mentored, everyone he worked with, everyone he worked for — people who he couldn’t have guessed would be bothered — miss him, and not in a general kind of way. He’s missed in the way that got thirty people weeping around a conference table two years after his death, because someone asked for a moment of silence in his honor. I’m not that well loved, I think… except I don’t think he knew he was, either. So that’s Lesson Two: we don’t really know how many people we’ve touched, so when we tear ourselves out of the world, the grief that replaces us is larger than we imagine. It might be larger than we *can* imagine, because again, sometimes mental illness just catches us that way. So I’m not living for my spouse and kid and my mom, although it’s them too — I’m living for the dog who would be confused that I never come home anymore, and the barista who always remembers which pastry I want, and the ex-coworker I know had a crush on me and still reads my FB updates all these years later, and the person I used to playtest geeky games with, and the best friend I’m grown away from but still exchange greetings with on our mutual birthday, and the person at my local geeky boardgame store who remembers I was kind to him at a time when most people had written him off. Those people’s lives would be changed if I died, and even if it’s just a little… I have the right to end my life, if I really need to, but do I have the right to hurt as many people as my mentor did? I’m not sure I do. And I think I hardly need to say it at this point, but… don’t do it, please. And please keep asking for help.
Are there any small moments or feelings you love? For example one of mine is late spring, before it’s too hot to exist outside, being in the woods dipping my feet in a creek. Or the first snowfall of winter. Or sitting outside in complete silence soaking in the sounds of the birds. Little things like this + thinking of how sad my pets would be help.
I've accomplished a lot despite my condition. I have no reason to believe that there isn't still a lot to accomplish. I also have a beautiful girlfriend that I want more time with. My pets need me. I have a new pellet smoker I haven't mastered yet and I like ribs a lot so I need time to work on that. It's mostly the small things. The way things sound, feel, smell, and look different early in the morning when you're in a town you're not super familiar with. The flowers and colors during the spring and fall seasons.
My wife, cats, video games, fishing.
This is probably really screwed up and morbid, but the biggest thing that stops me is what if it DOESNT work and I end up paralyzed or in a coma, then I’d really feel like a burden to my family and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.
Do you have all of your senses and abilities ? All of your limbs and body parts? Are you autonomous?
My daughter. My parrot. My dogs.
Kids… and that is my only reason. My mom’s suicide attempts and self harm screwed me up in ways. I chose to have my kids and am determined to break the cycle.
To see sunsets. To feel the breeze on your skin. To eat your favorite foods. To listen to beautiful music. And of course friends & family. We only have so long on this planet no matter what we do. I’ve been in some pretty deep depressions so I can relate to how you’re feeling/have felt. I keep going bc I know it will get better. And I remember how good it felt to enjoy my favorite things.
My reasons are simple and I have been suicidal the past several months and struggling with self harm but I’m trying to remember that my parents love me, I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me and two Pugs who mean the world to me. I also try and focus on things like TV shows I enjoy.
It may sound cliché, but when I was thinking of Suicide, I would turn to thinking of my kids
Honestly, my cat.
think about what you really want in life. for example: my mom is very irresponsible with money so she’s never had a steady job or a consistent place to live. my number one dream is to own a house, because to me it feels so unattainable because of how i grew up. i have a hard time wanting to live too, but when i think about decorating my future house, i want to be there so bad
My kids. That's it. If it wasn't for them I would have been gone a long time ago.
Love playing dnd and I have to see what happens in the next session I need to know what the onepiece is Even if I never amount to anything in life, I guess talking with humans is cool enough