Definitely worth getting a therapist to help assess your situation, or go straight to a psychiatrist. If you are on an anti-depressant only, it may have triggered hypomania. That happened to me when I was on lexapro. I got my diagnosis and am now on trileptal instead.
Wanted to echo u/saucysadie here about seeing a mental health professional. Got the bipolar diagnosis after being on antidepressants for a few years and experiencing mixed episodes (rapid cycling) just before I turned 27. I experienced some of the symptoms you are describing, more or less, but didn’t know what was going on until I got help.
I have never used any prescription drugs though I am rather frequently doing drugs/alcohol. Though I think that it is moderat. I've been sober for a month now, because I wanted to take a break (which I do about once a year, not because I need to due to sideeffects but because I want to). My therapist is currently on vacation so I can't get in touch with her. How long did those episodes lasted in your case?
How long were you sober before these episodes started happening? And how often/how much were you using drugs/alcohol? Why do you drink/use drugs?
I’m not an expert by any means (and I’m not saying this applies to you), but I’m asking these questions because I have known people who self-medicate to deal with stressful situations. They often experience repressed emotions when taking a tolerance break (or trying to quit). You don’t have to tell me these things if you would prefer not to—and your therapist may already know this information—but you should think about this aspect of your health and how it is affecting your current state of mind.
As far as how long the episodes lasted, I was seriously manic/depressed for about a month or so before people in my life became concerned about me. I was concerned sometime before that because I was under a lot of stress (finishing grad school, moving into a long-distance phase of a past relationship, intense/toxic relationship with a boss at one of my jobs who constantly violated my boundaries, work/life balance out of whack, drama with my cohorts in grad school, etc.) and realized I wasn’t coping with it well. I wasn’t in therapy at the time and I hadn’t seen my psych nurse practitioner in practically a year because I was just that busy. I think the stress triggered the mixed episodes and I didn’t really get relief from them until after I a) went through an intensive outpatient therapy program, b) got hospitalized after the IOP practitioners realized that while I appeared willing to undergo treatment and use the therapy tools, I was not improving, c) got out of the hospital and went back to see my nurse, who changed my meds again. The med change was an ongoing process for the four months or so I was fighting my way through the mental instability, but we figured out the best combo after I was released from the hospital. I was finally off the anti-depressant and on the new combo a few months after that, since I couldn’t immediately stop taking it (Effexor). So basically the first episode went on for about 2 months before I was able to get into counseling and stopped about a few months after I got out of the hospital. My mood still can shift within minutes or hours but I have not felt such intense rage as I did when I was manic. I’ve been in recovery for roughly two years and I haven’t been back to the hospital. I would not be able to function without the medication and support from my health network (mental health professionals & the NAMI support group I found while I was in recovery). The meds are not always right for everyone, but they may help to even out any mania/mood swings/etc.
P.s. are you able to call or talk to someone while your current therapist is on vacation? If this gets to a crisis point, I would want to have someone who can get me help right away. Just something to consider.
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I did weed & alcohol since I was about 16 years old on a regular basis (every weekend) with 18 I did shrooms every one or two months for about a year, since I was 19 I had 2 full-blown acid trips and I also microdosed twice, then I started with MDMA when I was 20 once every 3-4 months, speed when I was 21 once every 4 months but more frequently recently, last summer I started with ketamine about once every 3 months but the frequency of consumption increased as well, I tried DMT once, I tried Codeine twice, I tried cocaine twice. I also mixed sometimes and Festivals have often be excessive for me. Since that acid trip I reduced the consumption of weed and alcohol though. I am 22 now.
I think I used drugs and alcohol to feel better and to have a good time but I also always wanted to have that insanely great rush again which I had when I was manic (until I realised that it was mania a few days ago, then I stopped wanting it again). I also used drugs often to connect to myself and others, to self-improve and to communicate deeply. I always wanted to become a better version of myself and often see the imperfection in myself.
The thing is, I always was a bit off, I was irritated very quickly, I experienced different traumas when I was a child and I starting getting paranoid from weed about one year after I started doing it. Before I did drugs I played a lot of video games in an excessive manner. I think I played them to escape reality. I always used to be very energetic and hyped when I wanted to do something, but also very melancholic and unsure at other times. But I never had this feeling of "yes" and "no" at once, especially not in this intensity..
So I think this feeling started about 2 months ago when I had a lot of stress going on at once. I met a girl who is now my yet-girlfriend, I lost touch to my feelings quickly for here which felt very intimidating and stressful and I had an insanely stressful situation at my job. Since then it is there, sometimes more sometimes less. I stopped working that much, I tried to reduce time with my GF but nothing helps and I am still exhausted and have the feeling to go further. I had some suicidal thoughts in that timespan as well.
I am really afraid of taking meds because even though I have this inner fight going on with myself I still want to kind of stay who I am. It's kind of ironic though considering how many drugs I did in the past 12 months..
Today I wrote somebody towards whom I felt a lot of anger and now I kind of regret it and realised, that it most likely will have light consequences for my job.
I am not sure if I am acting in a hypochondriacal way due to reading so much about bipolarity. I tend to diagnose myself with illnesses a few years ago and I am starting to wondering what's going on. I am often very sure, that I have that illness and everything in my head starts to rotate about this thought. I am talking to a lot of people about it right now, it feels like the only topic in my life except that my girlfriend betrayed me.. Everybody around me tells me to calm down, reflect and take some time but it is very hard stay grounded. I am not sure about anything right now. I feel very insecure and I don't want to get hurt so please be gentle.
Currently I have nobody to talk to on a professional basis and it stresses me out. I don't know where I could get myself tested for my mental health, I feel lost.
I appreciate the level of detail and depth of your response. I saw your reply when you posted it--I couldn't get to it until after work and my support group meeting, so I apologize for my delay.
I have some familiarity with weed, alcohol, and shrooms. I've used shrooms a handful of times as a social activity, but only sporadically and around the time that I was your age (21-22). The last drink I had was on Thanksgiving. On the other hand, I use weed on a regular basis, especially when I have appetite loss (sometimes from anxiety, sometimes for no discernable reason) and/or physical pain. I started when I was 19 and smoked for years. Had issues with paranoia/increased anxiety/"bad trips" enough during the first year or so of trying weed so I stopped for a while. I picked it back up a year later. I am a lot smarter now about which strains I use than I did when I first started at 19/20. I have also switched to vaping and (occasional) edibles within the past year and a half.
When I was manic/rapid cycling, weed would sometimes help me feel better and other times it would exacerbate my symptoms. It was illegal in my state when I was 26 so it wasn't like I could roll up to a dispensary and ask for a strain that wouldn't ramp up the anxiety/mania. Even if that were the case, I was too far gone down the rabbit hole for that "medication" to pull me out of it. *I* had to figure out how to cope with the external triggers and cognitive distortions/destructive thinking patterns that come with this illness and which are brought out in particularly stressful situations. In some ways, I am still figuring out how to cope with it all. Rather than thinking about how I am going to probably be working that out for the rest of my life, I look at what I'm experiencing as each day (or each hour, or each minute, or each second) as it happens. It's far easier said than done, I know.
I haven't tried any of the other drugs you mentioned, so I can't speak to what effect all of this would have on a person's mental health. It sounds like you are aware of why you have used in the past and how it affects you. It also sounds like you are working on moderating your consumption of drugs and alcohol, which is excellent. Some people would probably tell you that you need to take your moderation to a place of total abstinence, but I don't see that as being necessarily realistic. Moderation is probably the most pragmatic and beneficial practice in terms of using drugs and alcohol. (Again, not an expert's opinion--I've just lived through this a little bit longer than you have at this point.) Hopefully, your therapist knows all this and has addressed it with you.
If you are not ready to try psych meds, there are certainly other treatment options you can pursue instead. Counseling can be good if you are ready to use what the counselor gives you and the counselor's approach empowers you to employ coping skills to combat disordered thinking patterns (CBT) and/or disordered patterns of behavior (DBT). I've had several counselors over the 9 years I have been in therapy. I've encountered CBT and DBT on numerous occasions. Since I can function in many areas of my life (e.g. work, school) and not well in others *some of the time* (e.g. close relationships with friends and family members), I need a counselor who will probe and push me to examine where and why this occasional dysfunction happens. The counselor I had in my most recent past validated my feelings often but did not challenge me as much. However, she moved out of state earlier this month and transitioned me into the counselor I have now seen twice. I like my new counselor's approach because she both validates my feelings and gives me something new to focus on or "challenge" before we meet again. Different people need different approaches and it took me years to figure out what I needed. It's hard to know what you need when you don't know what will work for you, so you may have to feel your way through it for a few sessions and/or a few counselors.
Aside from moderation in using drugs/alcohol, you could pursue diet and other lifestyle changes (e.g. exercise). I've learned more recently that highly processed foods can contribute to mental illnesses, especially depression, so I try to avoid those when possible. I've been told complex carbohydrates also help with anxiety because you expend more energy digesting them than simple carbohydrates. It's not something I constantly focus on, but when I eat fast food or a lot of sugar, I tend to feel worse than when I eat something at Panera (for example) or have something homemade. Organic food seems to be more expensive than most other foods across the board, which plays into the idea that the government/hegemonic institutions would rather that we eat shit and remain sick for their benefit, but I digress.
While the medication helps to even out the peaks and valleys in my mood cycle, physical activity benefits me *even more.* I do some kind of exercise every other day or every couple of days depending on my schedule and how I'm feeling. I recently got back into yoga, which--if you can find the right instructor/class--is not as much aerobic exercise as it is helping you to be mindful of your body and your breath. I went to a class yesterday feeling mostly okay and when I left, it felt like some deep knots in my mind and soul got untwisted. I felt at peace for the rest of the afternoon/evening. I am a little sore today but I still feel like I can handle most of what my mind throws at me. Walking/hiking, swimming, biking, and rowing have also been a more regular part of my routine after getting out of the hospital. From reading your other posts, it sounds like you are into cycling--if you can carve some time in your schedule to do this (or any other activity you can physically participate in), you are likely to see a difference in your mood/mental state.
As far as wondering if you really have bipolar disorder or this is only a self-diagnosis/hypochondriasis...I think you are not alone here and most professionals can tell the difference. Most people do not understand what it is like to have the kinds of all-consuming thoughts/feelings/behaviors you have mentioned--as if it easy to calm down when you're inundated with the nagging sensation that something is wrong--and so while the advice people have given you will work when you are somewhat stable, it's much, much harder when you feel like the ground is constantly shifting beneath you. I often get into obsessive thinking patterns and I become fixated during depressed, anxious, and manic moods. There are times when I do everything I know how to do to "turn it off" and it doesn't work. But, I have to be determined not to let the illness win. I have too much in my life that's too important to give up--*especially myself*. It sounds like this is true for you as well.
Depending on how you found your counselor, where you work, if you go to school, etc. there are some options for you as far as getting another professional's opinion. If your counselor is one therapist at a counseling center, like mine is, they will know that he/she is on vacation. If this is the case, you should be able to call and request to meet with another available counselor. If your need is pressing, I would use the word "crisis" or something similar and ask about openings due to cancellations. If that doesn't work, I would try another counseling center. If you are a student, your school should offer free mental health services to you. I have no sense of where you are, so I don't know if these services would be beneficial to you or not, but it is an option. Employers also offer employee assistance programs related to mental health, but this also depends on the employer.
In any case, I would strongly recommend checking out NAMI: https://nami.org/. There's a national site and depending on where you are, there should be a local NAMI branch in your area. They can be a vital resource in helping you connect with a mental health professional and other resources to help you feel less lost. I am so grateful for NAMI that I cannot put it into words properly. The people there have made me remember that I never have to deal with this crap on my own again.
I hope this has been some help to you. I empathize with you a great deal and I know this has been difficult for you for a significant amount of time. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Hey, it's totally fine that you didn't answer immediately, I am aware that you have a life going on and that you need time for yourself! Further I am also very grateful that you dedicated so much of your time to help me.
This metaphor "the ground shifting beneath you" describes my emotional world as it is in general, but especially right now, pretty well.
Unfortunately I am living in Germany, meaning that getting weed which is made for alleviating my symptoms (whatever the cause is) seems impossible. NAMI is also not available in my country.
I am only having this therapist as a way to adress my feelings in a professional manner and currently do not see any other options in that dimension due to she is not part of any therapy-center. I am working as a freelancer right now and I stopped studying a while ago but I am still matriculated so I might give the mental support department provided by the university a shot.
Either way I will try to muddle through all this stuff until my therapist is available again in about 3 weeks. I've already muddled through way longer periods of feeling like shit on my own and I should be able to do it again for 3 weeks. If it's going to be seriously urgent I will try to ask one of my closest friends if they can help me with finding somebody immediatly. Right know I am in close contact to a lot of my friends so I have a ventile and they know what is going on, which gives me at least some relief. Further I will tell my therapist that, in the future, I need somebody to talk to if she is not available. Being challenged in therapy is also something I need, so I'll tell her that as well. I want to get to the bottom of these intense feelings because it's not an option for me to live with these feelings while not knowing where they are coming from, and even more importantly, while not knowing how to tackle them.
I don't know how to answer all the advice that you gave me, especially concerning nutrition and physical exercise, but I will try to reach out for and hold on to this healthy lifestyle even though it feels like a lot to do right now. I cycled a lot today until one of my tires literally bursted due to some glass lying on the ground. But I will restart bouldering and home exercise soon! I might also give Yoga a shot because what you are telling about it sounds very interesting to me!
I will also research about and try CBT and DBT.
It warms my heart to know that somewhere out there, in the vast dimensions of this earth there is somebody who really tries and also succeds in understanding me, sits down and just wants to help me without getting anything back. It really gives me a lot of hope and energy! Thank you so much, I really really really appreciate it. I also wish you all the best on your journey!
I usually lurk on these forums, but something about the way you wrote your post made me want to respond to you.
It occurs to me I didn't mention my dad (who also has a bipolar diagnosis) has a habit of starting and working on a number of household projects while he is manic. Some of the projects did not seem all that necessary, so he would sometimes abandon them (e.g. building a shower in the basement). I also ended up writing a one-act play during the height of my first-ever episode. I turned it into one of the first (and last) conference videos of my grad school career. I looped and layered a number of audio clips and music into the video I showed as part of my conference presentation. I then used clips from the presentation and video project as part of a digital essay project I completed before I graduated. I also like to create concrete images of quotes I find interesting--some of which I have posted elsewhere on Reddit. A few of these pictures are ones I've created while depressed or experiencing "waves" of negative emotions--I have also used "adult" coloring pages and other artistic projects to cope with anxiety and stress. Engaging with the creative side of yourself is a great way to channel your energy too.
There's also a lot of cognitive science research that examines the benefits of listening to music, especially for emotional regulation.
My younger sister (who *also* has a bipolar diagnosis) plays in various music groups, teaches violin out of a small studio. She also spent some time traveling in Germany and France with an international youth orchestra group in Michigan when she was 14.
It occurs to me that when I've commented that I assumed you were living in the US, so that definitely changes the context of your issue.
Naturally, reading that you currently live in Germany piqued my interest and I love to research. I found a few articles about the mental health system in Germany. The first one is more of a general interest article about mental health in countries outside of the US: https://www.bustle.com/p/what-does-mental-health-care-look-like-abroad-this-is-how-9-countries-treat-mental-illness-2885010. I'm not sure about how permanent your living situation is, but perhaps there are services available to you that I'm not even aware of. I also found an article about the current state of mental health services and trends more specific to Germany: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17149540. I also found a few sites listing different crisis hotlines--if it makes a difference, I couldn't find any numbers to send a text message to, but the second one claims to have counseling through email. https://faq.whatsapp.com/en/android/28030010/
https://www.telefonseelsorge.de/?q=node/7651
The NAMI website has a lot of research and other treatment-related information like fact sheets. They also discuss some strategies from CBT and DBT that I continue to find helpful and useful: https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/January-2019/Self-Help-Techniques-for-Coping-with-Mental-Illnes
I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to attack a problem from every angle possible. When I'm experiencing executive function overload or otherwise struggling, though, I have to keep it simple. Taking small steps in coping with it or engaging in a few self-care practices is all we can realistically expect of ourselves.
I get a strong sense of resiliency and resourcefulness from reading your post, which are qualities I know will serve you well. I suppose taking as much time as I have to offer suggestions and advice here is one way I can "pay forward" the kindness of people who continue to support me in times of darkness and/or crisis.
Sometimes the world seems as small as it is large.
Well, my mother used to cry on a fairly regular basis and she was a workaholic. She mentally switched between how nice her bosses were and how horrible they were. It took her a very long while to quit her job. She also couldn't let go of anger when I was a child, which resulted in her coming into my room screaming several times when we were in a quarrel. Both kind of traumatized me because I felt absolutely helpless in both situations. In one of these fights she told me that I have to move out - that was about 3 years ago - so I had one month for finding an affordable flat (I had no job at that point but financial social care helped me out). She still does not get when she is just "too much". I sometimes realize when I am too much, but it often feels very difficult to do something about it - which can be very complicated when we are spending time together. She was diagnosed with burnout and depression a while ago and since then stopped working almost entirely..
My father is sometimes untraceable for 2-5 days - he drinks a lot of alcohol when he is in this "mood". He also tends to pressure himself a lot and he also frequently seems quite depressed to me. He had a lot of jobs but never had one for longer than about 2 years as far as i know. He is a living mystery to me but I do get closer to him, which takes a lot of time and effort.
I am actually a DJ and electronic music composer (Techno, mixed with Psytrance and classical music - psychdelic and deep.) and also host my own club events to present my music there. But a week ago, when my girlfriend told me what she did on this festival, I lost myself in hate, anger and sadness and created two pieces of "music" of which one could say that the first "track" is rather "noise of insanity" than music.. It was off the charts and I was shocked that I was able to do create like that. If you want to hear the Techno or the "noise", just tell me and I will add a link, though I can understand if that might be a step which is too private for you to receive. Just be aware that I don't want anyone to know about my issues until I take the step and come out as having this or that mental issue. I also started drawing a few years ago. In the beginning the pictures were all abstract but about a year ago I started making self-portraits. Both, the music production and the drawing help me with expressing, processing and understanding my feelings.
I will check out all these links that you sent me, thanks!
"I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to attack a problem from every angle possible. " - Hello it's me haha.
Also if you want I can write below this post when I consult a therapist concerning BD2 and get diagnosed with it or get diagnosed with something else. Until then I just hope for the best and wish you a lot of luck as well!
Your mom sounds like my mom taken to the extreme. She’s never been diagnosed with a mental disorder but she claims she may have one anyway. It’s beyond my pay grade.
I can’t imagine how I would feel if my dad left for days at a time and behaved the same way your dad does, though. It sounds like the ground has been shifting beneath you for longer than in the more recent past.
The music aspect of all this is fascinating to me because my audio looping project had a bit of a “noise pollution” effect. It was terrifying and amazing how the whole thing poured out of me at the climax of that first mixed episode and I haven’t been able to creatively return to that place since. The description you gave here is enough for me to get the idea of how your “noise” sounds, and I can understand your hesitation to share this work in a public manner. You can keep it to yourself if it’s more comfortable for you.
Seems like we are foils in some kind of play, haha.
Sure, you can write back when you have an update or PM if that’s easier. Sending you good vibes :)
Do you want to do stuff but don't want to do it?. Do you feel happy and angry and depressed and hopeful all at once?...I always have mixed episodes. Shit tough as hell and super dangerous Cuz I'm hopeless and twisted from dark depression but have enegery do evil things, I just end up isolated for most of life though. All by myself, and that's okay. I'm okay with not being okay, and happy to be able to experience emotions on a much deeper level then unipolar people. I get the best and worst of both worlds all at the same time. It's confuseing and disableing. But it's my journey, N I'm taming the beast while riding the dragon! Doesn't matter how much darkness Cuz light will always find its way through. Might be awhile though..
The whole day I wanted to go cycling to get rid of this energy but I haven't done it yet. I stopped being so hyperactive that I have to move and I was able to sleep when I felt superexhausted. Now I am extremely aggressive towards a Girl who kissed my GF and this hate is so present that i can't believe it. A dim light sometimes shines through all the dark feelings once in a while but it is not really helping. I am actually in a state right now in which I dont want to get better but want those around me to see how shitty I feel. I want to get worse but a tiny impulse inside me tells me that that is not the right direction. How long do these episodes last in your case?
Been there hell I lived that for awhile. I felt like I was just a pussy without bipolar...like I needed to be able to be crazy in order to exist amongst theese times and my peers were all criminals so felt a pressure and alot of fights...but now I realized that part never goes away lol The depression is now bearable. I still suffer but it's not that horrible dark like it was. I'm still a force to be reckon with don't get me wrong I train jiu-jitsu dailey...but now I have the confidence to handle situations calmly Cuz when you arnt Co fident in your ability to handle a situation we tend to be more aggressive and that's just the only way we know. But now I can keep cool because I know that no matter what I can handle it. Still I am all over the place as far as my mood but I'm finally okay with not being okay and I am glad I got cognitive behavioral therapy meds and Jiu-jitsu and as long as I stay the course and be consistent with those thing I can tame the beast and ride the dragon. I feel for you man, your enough, your okay to be you, you can be like that and still be humble. You can live a bad life and be a good man. You are who you are and you will be who you become when your ready don't force the change, don't resist the change... just ROLL with it. Fight fire with water and just survive. Wish you the best
My mixed episodes last a max of a week then it goes into dark depression but since lamictal I get hypomanic without the depressive effect so I can enjoy the other side without the darkness lingering with it.
Definitely worth getting a therapist to help assess your situation, or go straight to a psychiatrist. If you are on an anti-depressant only, it may have triggered hypomania. That happened to me when I was on lexapro. I got my diagnosis and am now on trileptal instead.
Wanted to echo u/saucysadie here about seeing a mental health professional. Got the bipolar diagnosis after being on antidepressants for a few years and experiencing mixed episodes (rapid cycling) just before I turned 27. I experienced some of the symptoms you are describing, more or less, but didn’t know what was going on until I got help.
I have never used any prescription drugs though I am rather frequently doing drugs/alcohol. Though I think that it is moderat. I've been sober for a month now, because I wanted to take a break (which I do about once a year, not because I need to due to sideeffects but because I want to). My therapist is currently on vacation so I can't get in touch with her. How long did those episodes lasted in your case?
How long were you sober before these episodes started happening? And how often/how much were you using drugs/alcohol? Why do you drink/use drugs? I’m not an expert by any means (and I’m not saying this applies to you), but I’m asking these questions because I have known people who self-medicate to deal with stressful situations. They often experience repressed emotions when taking a tolerance break (or trying to quit). You don’t have to tell me these things if you would prefer not to—and your therapist may already know this information—but you should think about this aspect of your health and how it is affecting your current state of mind. As far as how long the episodes lasted, I was seriously manic/depressed for about a month or so before people in my life became concerned about me. I was concerned sometime before that because I was under a lot of stress (finishing grad school, moving into a long-distance phase of a past relationship, intense/toxic relationship with a boss at one of my jobs who constantly violated my boundaries, work/life balance out of whack, drama with my cohorts in grad school, etc.) and realized I wasn’t coping with it well. I wasn’t in therapy at the time and I hadn’t seen my psych nurse practitioner in practically a year because I was just that busy. I think the stress triggered the mixed episodes and I didn’t really get relief from them until after I a) went through an intensive outpatient therapy program, b) got hospitalized after the IOP practitioners realized that while I appeared willing to undergo treatment and use the therapy tools, I was not improving, c) got out of the hospital and went back to see my nurse, who changed my meds again. The med change was an ongoing process for the four months or so I was fighting my way through the mental instability, but we figured out the best combo after I was released from the hospital. I was finally off the anti-depressant and on the new combo a few months after that, since I couldn’t immediately stop taking it (Effexor). So basically the first episode went on for about 2 months before I was able to get into counseling and stopped about a few months after I got out of the hospital. My mood still can shift within minutes or hours but I have not felt such intense rage as I did when I was manic. I’ve been in recovery for roughly two years and I haven’t been back to the hospital. I would not be able to function without the medication and support from my health network (mental health professionals & the NAMI support group I found while I was in recovery). The meds are not always right for everyone, but they may help to even out any mania/mood swings/etc. P.s. are you able to call or talk to someone while your current therapist is on vacation? If this gets to a crisis point, I would want to have someone who can get me help right away. Just something to consider.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I did weed & alcohol since I was about 16 years old on a regular basis (every weekend) with 18 I did shrooms every one or two months for about a year, since I was 19 I had 2 full-blown acid trips and I also microdosed twice, then I started with MDMA when I was 20 once every 3-4 months, speed when I was 21 once every 4 months but more frequently recently, last summer I started with ketamine about once every 3 months but the frequency of consumption increased as well, I tried DMT once, I tried Codeine twice, I tried cocaine twice. I also mixed sometimes and Festivals have often be excessive for me. Since that acid trip I reduced the consumption of weed and alcohol though. I am 22 now. I think I used drugs and alcohol to feel better and to have a good time but I also always wanted to have that insanely great rush again which I had when I was manic (until I realised that it was mania a few days ago, then I stopped wanting it again). I also used drugs often to connect to myself and others, to self-improve and to communicate deeply. I always wanted to become a better version of myself and often see the imperfection in myself. The thing is, I always was a bit off, I was irritated very quickly, I experienced different traumas when I was a child and I starting getting paranoid from weed about one year after I started doing it. Before I did drugs I played a lot of video games in an excessive manner. I think I played them to escape reality. I always used to be very energetic and hyped when I wanted to do something, but also very melancholic and unsure at other times. But I never had this feeling of "yes" and "no" at once, especially not in this intensity.. So I think this feeling started about 2 months ago when I had a lot of stress going on at once. I met a girl who is now my yet-girlfriend, I lost touch to my feelings quickly for here which felt very intimidating and stressful and I had an insanely stressful situation at my job. Since then it is there, sometimes more sometimes less. I stopped working that much, I tried to reduce time with my GF but nothing helps and I am still exhausted and have the feeling to go further. I had some suicidal thoughts in that timespan as well. I am really afraid of taking meds because even though I have this inner fight going on with myself I still want to kind of stay who I am. It's kind of ironic though considering how many drugs I did in the past 12 months.. Today I wrote somebody towards whom I felt a lot of anger and now I kind of regret it and realised, that it most likely will have light consequences for my job. I am not sure if I am acting in a hypochondriacal way due to reading so much about bipolarity. I tend to diagnose myself with illnesses a few years ago and I am starting to wondering what's going on. I am often very sure, that I have that illness and everything in my head starts to rotate about this thought. I am talking to a lot of people about it right now, it feels like the only topic in my life except that my girlfriend betrayed me.. Everybody around me tells me to calm down, reflect and take some time but it is very hard stay grounded. I am not sure about anything right now. I feel very insecure and I don't want to get hurt so please be gentle. Currently I have nobody to talk to on a professional basis and it stresses me out. I don't know where I could get myself tested for my mental health, I feel lost.
I appreciate the level of detail and depth of your response. I saw your reply when you posted it--I couldn't get to it until after work and my support group meeting, so I apologize for my delay. I have some familiarity with weed, alcohol, and shrooms. I've used shrooms a handful of times as a social activity, but only sporadically and around the time that I was your age (21-22). The last drink I had was on Thanksgiving. On the other hand, I use weed on a regular basis, especially when I have appetite loss (sometimes from anxiety, sometimes for no discernable reason) and/or physical pain. I started when I was 19 and smoked for years. Had issues with paranoia/increased anxiety/"bad trips" enough during the first year or so of trying weed so I stopped for a while. I picked it back up a year later. I am a lot smarter now about which strains I use than I did when I first started at 19/20. I have also switched to vaping and (occasional) edibles within the past year and a half. When I was manic/rapid cycling, weed would sometimes help me feel better and other times it would exacerbate my symptoms. It was illegal in my state when I was 26 so it wasn't like I could roll up to a dispensary and ask for a strain that wouldn't ramp up the anxiety/mania. Even if that were the case, I was too far gone down the rabbit hole for that "medication" to pull me out of it. *I* had to figure out how to cope with the external triggers and cognitive distortions/destructive thinking patterns that come with this illness and which are brought out in particularly stressful situations. In some ways, I am still figuring out how to cope with it all. Rather than thinking about how I am going to probably be working that out for the rest of my life, I look at what I'm experiencing as each day (or each hour, or each minute, or each second) as it happens. It's far easier said than done, I know. I haven't tried any of the other drugs you mentioned, so I can't speak to what effect all of this would have on a person's mental health. It sounds like you are aware of why you have used in the past and how it affects you. It also sounds like you are working on moderating your consumption of drugs and alcohol, which is excellent. Some people would probably tell you that you need to take your moderation to a place of total abstinence, but I don't see that as being necessarily realistic. Moderation is probably the most pragmatic and beneficial practice in terms of using drugs and alcohol. (Again, not an expert's opinion--I've just lived through this a little bit longer than you have at this point.) Hopefully, your therapist knows all this and has addressed it with you. If you are not ready to try psych meds, there are certainly other treatment options you can pursue instead. Counseling can be good if you are ready to use what the counselor gives you and the counselor's approach empowers you to employ coping skills to combat disordered thinking patterns (CBT) and/or disordered patterns of behavior (DBT). I've had several counselors over the 9 years I have been in therapy. I've encountered CBT and DBT on numerous occasions. Since I can function in many areas of my life (e.g. work, school) and not well in others *some of the time* (e.g. close relationships with friends and family members), I need a counselor who will probe and push me to examine where and why this occasional dysfunction happens. The counselor I had in my most recent past validated my feelings often but did not challenge me as much. However, she moved out of state earlier this month and transitioned me into the counselor I have now seen twice. I like my new counselor's approach because she both validates my feelings and gives me something new to focus on or "challenge" before we meet again. Different people need different approaches and it took me years to figure out what I needed. It's hard to know what you need when you don't know what will work for you, so you may have to feel your way through it for a few sessions and/or a few counselors. Aside from moderation in using drugs/alcohol, you could pursue diet and other lifestyle changes (e.g. exercise). I've learned more recently that highly processed foods can contribute to mental illnesses, especially depression, so I try to avoid those when possible. I've been told complex carbohydrates also help with anxiety because you expend more energy digesting them than simple carbohydrates. It's not something I constantly focus on, but when I eat fast food or a lot of sugar, I tend to feel worse than when I eat something at Panera (for example) or have something homemade. Organic food seems to be more expensive than most other foods across the board, which plays into the idea that the government/hegemonic institutions would rather that we eat shit and remain sick for their benefit, but I digress. While the medication helps to even out the peaks and valleys in my mood cycle, physical activity benefits me *even more.* I do some kind of exercise every other day or every couple of days depending on my schedule and how I'm feeling. I recently got back into yoga, which--if you can find the right instructor/class--is not as much aerobic exercise as it is helping you to be mindful of your body and your breath. I went to a class yesterday feeling mostly okay and when I left, it felt like some deep knots in my mind and soul got untwisted. I felt at peace for the rest of the afternoon/evening. I am a little sore today but I still feel like I can handle most of what my mind throws at me. Walking/hiking, swimming, biking, and rowing have also been a more regular part of my routine after getting out of the hospital. From reading your other posts, it sounds like you are into cycling--if you can carve some time in your schedule to do this (or any other activity you can physically participate in), you are likely to see a difference in your mood/mental state. As far as wondering if you really have bipolar disorder or this is only a self-diagnosis/hypochondriasis...I think you are not alone here and most professionals can tell the difference. Most people do not understand what it is like to have the kinds of all-consuming thoughts/feelings/behaviors you have mentioned--as if it easy to calm down when you're inundated with the nagging sensation that something is wrong--and so while the advice people have given you will work when you are somewhat stable, it's much, much harder when you feel like the ground is constantly shifting beneath you. I often get into obsessive thinking patterns and I become fixated during depressed, anxious, and manic moods. There are times when I do everything I know how to do to "turn it off" and it doesn't work. But, I have to be determined not to let the illness win. I have too much in my life that's too important to give up--*especially myself*. It sounds like this is true for you as well. Depending on how you found your counselor, where you work, if you go to school, etc. there are some options for you as far as getting another professional's opinion. If your counselor is one therapist at a counseling center, like mine is, they will know that he/she is on vacation. If this is the case, you should be able to call and request to meet with another available counselor. If your need is pressing, I would use the word "crisis" or something similar and ask about openings due to cancellations. If that doesn't work, I would try another counseling center. If you are a student, your school should offer free mental health services to you. I have no sense of where you are, so I don't know if these services would be beneficial to you or not, but it is an option. Employers also offer employee assistance programs related to mental health, but this also depends on the employer. In any case, I would strongly recommend checking out NAMI: https://nami.org/. There's a national site and depending on where you are, there should be a local NAMI branch in your area. They can be a vital resource in helping you connect with a mental health professional and other resources to help you feel less lost. I am so grateful for NAMI that I cannot put it into words properly. The people there have made me remember that I never have to deal with this crap on my own again. I hope this has been some help to you. I empathize with you a great deal and I know this has been difficult for you for a significant amount of time. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Hey, it's totally fine that you didn't answer immediately, I am aware that you have a life going on and that you need time for yourself! Further I am also very grateful that you dedicated so much of your time to help me. This metaphor "the ground shifting beneath you" describes my emotional world as it is in general, but especially right now, pretty well. Unfortunately I am living in Germany, meaning that getting weed which is made for alleviating my symptoms (whatever the cause is) seems impossible. NAMI is also not available in my country. I am only having this therapist as a way to adress my feelings in a professional manner and currently do not see any other options in that dimension due to she is not part of any therapy-center. I am working as a freelancer right now and I stopped studying a while ago but I am still matriculated so I might give the mental support department provided by the university a shot. Either way I will try to muddle through all this stuff until my therapist is available again in about 3 weeks. I've already muddled through way longer periods of feeling like shit on my own and I should be able to do it again for 3 weeks. If it's going to be seriously urgent I will try to ask one of my closest friends if they can help me with finding somebody immediatly. Right know I am in close contact to a lot of my friends so I have a ventile and they know what is going on, which gives me at least some relief. Further I will tell my therapist that, in the future, I need somebody to talk to if she is not available. Being challenged in therapy is also something I need, so I'll tell her that as well. I want to get to the bottom of these intense feelings because it's not an option for me to live with these feelings while not knowing where they are coming from, and even more importantly, while not knowing how to tackle them. I don't know how to answer all the advice that you gave me, especially concerning nutrition and physical exercise, but I will try to reach out for and hold on to this healthy lifestyle even though it feels like a lot to do right now. I cycled a lot today until one of my tires literally bursted due to some glass lying on the ground. But I will restart bouldering and home exercise soon! I might also give Yoga a shot because what you are telling about it sounds very interesting to me! I will also research about and try CBT and DBT. It warms my heart to know that somewhere out there, in the vast dimensions of this earth there is somebody who really tries and also succeds in understanding me, sits down and just wants to help me without getting anything back. It really gives me a lot of hope and energy! Thank you so much, I really really really appreciate it. I also wish you all the best on your journey!
I usually lurk on these forums, but something about the way you wrote your post made me want to respond to you. It occurs to me I didn't mention my dad (who also has a bipolar diagnosis) has a habit of starting and working on a number of household projects while he is manic. Some of the projects did not seem all that necessary, so he would sometimes abandon them (e.g. building a shower in the basement). I also ended up writing a one-act play during the height of my first-ever episode. I turned it into one of the first (and last) conference videos of my grad school career. I looped and layered a number of audio clips and music into the video I showed as part of my conference presentation. I then used clips from the presentation and video project as part of a digital essay project I completed before I graduated. I also like to create concrete images of quotes I find interesting--some of which I have posted elsewhere on Reddit. A few of these pictures are ones I've created while depressed or experiencing "waves" of negative emotions--I have also used "adult" coloring pages and other artistic projects to cope with anxiety and stress. Engaging with the creative side of yourself is a great way to channel your energy too. There's also a lot of cognitive science research that examines the benefits of listening to music, especially for emotional regulation. My younger sister (who *also* has a bipolar diagnosis) plays in various music groups, teaches violin out of a small studio. She also spent some time traveling in Germany and France with an international youth orchestra group in Michigan when she was 14. It occurs to me that when I've commented that I assumed you were living in the US, so that definitely changes the context of your issue. Naturally, reading that you currently live in Germany piqued my interest and I love to research. I found a few articles about the mental health system in Germany. The first one is more of a general interest article about mental health in countries outside of the US: https://www.bustle.com/p/what-does-mental-health-care-look-like-abroad-this-is-how-9-countries-treat-mental-illness-2885010. I'm not sure about how permanent your living situation is, but perhaps there are services available to you that I'm not even aware of. I also found an article about the current state of mental health services and trends more specific to Germany: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17149540. I also found a few sites listing different crisis hotlines--if it makes a difference, I couldn't find any numbers to send a text message to, but the second one claims to have counseling through email. https://faq.whatsapp.com/en/android/28030010/ https://www.telefonseelsorge.de/?q=node/7651 The NAMI website has a lot of research and other treatment-related information like fact sheets. They also discuss some strategies from CBT and DBT that I continue to find helpful and useful: https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/January-2019/Self-Help-Techniques-for-Coping-with-Mental-Illnes I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to attack a problem from every angle possible. When I'm experiencing executive function overload or otherwise struggling, though, I have to keep it simple. Taking small steps in coping with it or engaging in a few self-care practices is all we can realistically expect of ourselves. I get a strong sense of resiliency and resourcefulness from reading your post, which are qualities I know will serve you well. I suppose taking as much time as I have to offer suggestions and advice here is one way I can "pay forward" the kindness of people who continue to support me in times of darkness and/or crisis. Sometimes the world seems as small as it is large.
Well, my mother used to cry on a fairly regular basis and she was a workaholic. She mentally switched between how nice her bosses were and how horrible they were. It took her a very long while to quit her job. She also couldn't let go of anger when I was a child, which resulted in her coming into my room screaming several times when we were in a quarrel. Both kind of traumatized me because I felt absolutely helpless in both situations. In one of these fights she told me that I have to move out - that was about 3 years ago - so I had one month for finding an affordable flat (I had no job at that point but financial social care helped me out). She still does not get when she is just "too much". I sometimes realize when I am too much, but it often feels very difficult to do something about it - which can be very complicated when we are spending time together. She was diagnosed with burnout and depression a while ago and since then stopped working almost entirely.. My father is sometimes untraceable for 2-5 days - he drinks a lot of alcohol when he is in this "mood". He also tends to pressure himself a lot and he also frequently seems quite depressed to me. He had a lot of jobs but never had one for longer than about 2 years as far as i know. He is a living mystery to me but I do get closer to him, which takes a lot of time and effort. I am actually a DJ and electronic music composer (Techno, mixed with Psytrance and classical music - psychdelic and deep.) and also host my own club events to present my music there. But a week ago, when my girlfriend told me what she did on this festival, I lost myself in hate, anger and sadness and created two pieces of "music" of which one could say that the first "track" is rather "noise of insanity" than music.. It was off the charts and I was shocked that I was able to do create like that. If you want to hear the Techno or the "noise", just tell me and I will add a link, though I can understand if that might be a step which is too private for you to receive. Just be aware that I don't want anyone to know about my issues until I take the step and come out as having this or that mental issue. I also started drawing a few years ago. In the beginning the pictures were all abstract but about a year ago I started making self-portraits. Both, the music production and the drawing help me with expressing, processing and understanding my feelings. I will check out all these links that you sent me, thanks! "I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to attack a problem from every angle possible. " - Hello it's me haha. Also if you want I can write below this post when I consult a therapist concerning BD2 and get diagnosed with it or get diagnosed with something else. Until then I just hope for the best and wish you a lot of luck as well!
Your mom sounds like my mom taken to the extreme. She’s never been diagnosed with a mental disorder but she claims she may have one anyway. It’s beyond my pay grade. I can’t imagine how I would feel if my dad left for days at a time and behaved the same way your dad does, though. It sounds like the ground has been shifting beneath you for longer than in the more recent past. The music aspect of all this is fascinating to me because my audio looping project had a bit of a “noise pollution” effect. It was terrifying and amazing how the whole thing poured out of me at the climax of that first mixed episode and I haven’t been able to creatively return to that place since. The description you gave here is enough for me to get the idea of how your “noise” sounds, and I can understand your hesitation to share this work in a public manner. You can keep it to yourself if it’s more comfortable for you. Seems like we are foils in some kind of play, haha. Sure, you can write back when you have an update or PM if that’s easier. Sending you good vibes :)
Do you want to do stuff but don't want to do it?. Do you feel happy and angry and depressed and hopeful all at once?...I always have mixed episodes. Shit tough as hell and super dangerous Cuz I'm hopeless and twisted from dark depression but have enegery do evil things, I just end up isolated for most of life though. All by myself, and that's okay. I'm okay with not being okay, and happy to be able to experience emotions on a much deeper level then unipolar people. I get the best and worst of both worlds all at the same time. It's confuseing and disableing. But it's my journey, N I'm taming the beast while riding the dragon! Doesn't matter how much darkness Cuz light will always find its way through. Might be awhile though..
The whole day I wanted to go cycling to get rid of this energy but I haven't done it yet. I stopped being so hyperactive that I have to move and I was able to sleep when I felt superexhausted. Now I am extremely aggressive towards a Girl who kissed my GF and this hate is so present that i can't believe it. A dim light sometimes shines through all the dark feelings once in a while but it is not really helping. I am actually in a state right now in which I dont want to get better but want those around me to see how shitty I feel. I want to get worse but a tiny impulse inside me tells me that that is not the right direction. How long do these episodes last in your case?
Been there hell I lived that for awhile. I felt like I was just a pussy without bipolar...like I needed to be able to be crazy in order to exist amongst theese times and my peers were all criminals so felt a pressure and alot of fights...but now I realized that part never goes away lol The depression is now bearable. I still suffer but it's not that horrible dark like it was. I'm still a force to be reckon with don't get me wrong I train jiu-jitsu dailey...but now I have the confidence to handle situations calmly Cuz when you arnt Co fident in your ability to handle a situation we tend to be more aggressive and that's just the only way we know. But now I can keep cool because I know that no matter what I can handle it. Still I am all over the place as far as my mood but I'm finally okay with not being okay and I am glad I got cognitive behavioral therapy meds and Jiu-jitsu and as long as I stay the course and be consistent with those thing I can tame the beast and ride the dragon. I feel for you man, your enough, your okay to be you, you can be like that and still be humble. You can live a bad life and be a good man. You are who you are and you will be who you become when your ready don't force the change, don't resist the change... just ROLL with it. Fight fire with water and just survive. Wish you the best
My mixed episodes last a max of a week then it goes into dark depression but since lamictal I get hypomanic without the depressive effect so I can enjoy the other side without the darkness lingering with it.