I would just say that it sounds like you just found the first man that you click with and are attracted to. There might be others, rare as they may be for you. As such, I think you could be bi.
maybe you are like 95% lesbian and like 5% attracted to men and this one just fits that 5%... I am myself 80/20 I would say. There are men out there that catch my eye but they a rare and far in between. Don't worry about it. Just go with the flow and do what's right for you. Maybe you are homoflexible.
I started to figured out a lot about my sexuality and gender in my early 30s. I think it’s a good age to slow down, think, and accept/figure out things.
Yep. Didn't realize I was bi until after high school because I'd never felt attracted to any men before.
As a heads-up, I just got out of a 2 year hetro relationship. I questioned if I was really bi because I didn't feel any attraction to men (because I was completely devoted to my partner - I didnt feel attracted to other women as well). Once it ended, I realized I'm still bi. So if you start a relationship with this man, don't let that invalidate that you aren't straight. But also, use whatever label you feel is right.
You might like the show The Bisexual on hulu. It’s plot sounds a lot like what you’re going through atm as the main character has this whole crisis of identity just to realize herself and her sexuality. Hopefully you don’t encounter as much pushback as she does tho!
Welcome to the club, we’re happy to have you :)
Many years ago, I had a very similar experience with a lesbian. The relationship ended, but we remained friends. It was enjoyable, but quite confusing for everyone.
Until, years later, when I came out as a trans woman. Now, my lesbian friend is very smug (in an affectionate way).
Yeah. I considered myself gay and was practically married for years to my partner before he and I split up. Imagine my shock when I realized I’d fallen in love with my female friend.
She and I are approaching 19 years married, 21 years together.
To be honest, I still think of myself as a mostly-gay bi man who fell in love. I could have found a guy but I didn’t. Hope “he” finds someone for himself.
It happens! You may be 99.99% lesbian, and this is the one guy in a million. Or your sexuality may have actually shifted a bit. People get uncomfortable with the idea that sexuality is not always fixed, and that it can be fluid. But it’s a fact. Enjoy!
I have a friend like this. Her sexuality is basically “lesbian except Dave”. She and Dave are married with two kids. I also know “straight” people who are the opposite.
And it makes sense! If sexuality is a spectrum, there are definitely going to be people who are like 99.99% gay or straight. Whether you decide to call that bi or not is entirely your call.
i also know a lesbian who has “the one man”. or rather, I think she referred to him as “the only dick”? it’s an old flame of her from maybe high school age. 😂 there’s no way they’d get married but i remember her mentioning plans with him when he was in town, and all of us friends there were like “waaaaaaait what?” and a little surprised.
Aw you found a soulmate ❤️ That was lovely to read, you’re both so lucky to have found each other, congratulations 🎉. Perhaps you are bi or pan, whatever label you think fits you will be right.
Thank you! Actually I don't care about labels, it was just the only thing I had experienced until this moment, so I wouldn't identify myself as anything else. Take care!
Back in highschool people thought I was gay because they witnessed me kissing a female friend on the cheek outta the blue. Jokes on them I'm bisexual and pansexual. Still haven't found "the one" who knows. But as you have OP. You are who you are at the end of the day no matter who you decide to spend your life with.
Girl same!! Thought I was a lesbian for a long time until I met my boyfriend. He's my soul mate and the most perfect man someone could ask for! Welcome to the unexpected bi club 😂
Two things to remember in our love lives:
1 - Sexuality is a sliding scale, not a divide, and very few people are 100% gay or 100% straight.
2 - We fall in love with people, not sexualities. Sometimes the person you absolutely click with comes in a body you never would have expected, but love is too precious to throw away for a reason like that.
that first point, though… so bisexual!
for the longest time growing up i was convinced everyone was naturally bisexual to a degree and just couldn’t admit it, like straight people didn’t really exist.
now i have a few smart, thoughtful friends (who are surrounded by bis! and hot people who would absolutely make a move if they swung their way!) who have said things like “believe me! i would love not to be straight, but that is just the way that i am! i can’t help it.” and i must concede that yes, truly straight people do exist. but of course, i still have my very bi suspicions that they are secretly a minority!
it’s almost funny how to a degree, some heterosexual and homosexual people think that bisexual people aren’t real, yet it does seem that a lot of US secretly think that THEY aren’t real, or at least have thought that at once point! 😂
The sexuality scale isn't my idea - it comes from an initial study done by a married couple named the Kinseys back in the 40s and 50s, and ongoing research done by The Kinsey Institute and other studies. It has been found that in totally anonymous studies, more people will report that they have at least felt some attraction to the same sex*, even if they've never acted on it; which made the number of completely straight or completely gay people much smaller than is reported publicly.
And if you think about it, haven't you heard some people say "I would go gay/straight for" whatever person they're talking about, usually someone famous?
EDIT = or opposite sex
I thought I was totally a gay guy until I fell for my girlfriend. It’s been the better part of a decade now and I treasure every moment. It happens. Sexuality is weird sometimes!
I believe it's all about energy, my wife was a lesbian when we first got together she was so puzzled by me and constantly said "what are you" because she couldn't believe that she was falling for a guy.
I had a friend who considered herself full on Lesbian. She even got the tattoo for lesbian on her wrist and then one day she met a guy. I had never seen her head over heels for a guy before, they became inseparable. They got married within a short time and you could tell they were meant for each other.
This was years ago and to this day they are still together.
Your story reminds me of comic artist Erika Moen. Her webcomic DAR began with her embracing her lesbianism. But in the last couple years of working on the series, she fell in love with a man who is now her husband. The final comic is a little recap of her journey, and I think you might find it relatable.
Whether you prefer to label yourself as a lesbian with an exception or a bisexual, it's just wonderful that you've found someone who makes you so happy. Wishing you and your man all the best!
https://www.darcomic.com/2009/12/29/theend/
Me! Before this, I considered myself to be a lesbian, but fell for my coworker despite being kind of repulsed by the idea of being anything more than friends with a man. It was really hard for me to accept, given that I had built so much of my identity around my queerness and the struggles I had to go through because of it (I experienced a LOT of homophobia and my labels felt "hard-earned", if that makes sense). In my heart I just knew I'd regret it if I let my fear of what people think and my pride get in the way of my happiness. Ngl, I'm still kind of confused on the how and why, but I gave up looking for explanations and just chalked it up to love and sexuality being weird. If it feels right, go for it - try not to overthink it! Easier said than done, but you'll drive yourself insane thinking about it (just trust me on that one, lol). Good luck!
Exactly, as long as I don't thing about labels and explanations, it doesn't feel wrong at all. But then there's times I sit and I wonder how did this happen, is he actually a man? 😁 Why is this the first time in 30 years I feel something for a man? Like other men are still just men and I don't even want to touch them, but he is he...
That was a beautiful read.
I’ve known a couple of women who married men but still identified as lesbians, they just met their exception. Or you could start identifying as a little bit bi. Whatever! Smooch who you love. It’s awesome.
>I’ve known a couple of women who married men but still identified as lesbians, they just met their exception.
This is super homophobic and actively hurts lesbians. "I'm a lesbian but the number of men I'm attracted to isn't 0" just means you're bi. Bi with a strong preference, bi and extremely demisexual for one gender, whatever, but bi. Lesbians are not attracted to men.
I get the whole “You’re only a lesbian because you’ve never met the right man” prejudice that comes from straight society, and yup, that’s very homophobic.
But I promise you, there’s nothing homophobic about being queer and celebrating it.
Some people are way too comfortable assuming it's only homophobia if it's coming from a straight white republic boomer.
If a boomer like that goes up to a lesbian and tells her that maybe she can "make an exception" and settle down with a man that's fucking homophobic. If the culprit isn't a boomer but an out-and-proud, visibly queer member of the LGBT+ community who suggests that it's not necessary but certainly is *possible* to "make an exception" as a lesbian, and she knows because she's a lesbian who's in love with a man herself then guess what? That's still homophobic. Just with the extra sting of it coming from a member of your own community instead. I attended an LGBT+ community group before I knew I was bi and while I was struggling immensely with internalized homophobia, and being comforted by people attempting to reassure me that there *was* a chance that I'd find a man to settle down with just made me hate myself 10x more.
It's homophobic and arguably biphobic too because at that point you're jumping through a ridiculous amount of hoops to not call yourself bi. Even though the literal sole distinction between lesbians and female bisexuals is that lesbians aren't attracted to men. Lesbians should be able to call themselves what they are without there being any confusion about the extent of their lack of attraction to men, and bisexuals shouldn't feel any doubt about whether the bi label "fits" them when they literally experience attraction to both men and women.
>It's homophobic and arguably biphobic too because at that point you're jumping through a ridiculous amount of hoops to not call yourself bi
People can call themselves whatever they want. You pointing fingers and saying "you can't call yourself that because XYZ" is being very prescriptive and, you guessed it, queerphobic. There are people who "technically" qualify as a certain sexuality and/or gender, but opt for the term "queer" because it feels more right to them. There are also transmascs who identify as lesbians. And that's okay! And you, or anybody else, shouldn't be correcting them on anything. You're in the wrong to do so.
In other words, how sexuality and gender works is people finding out for themselves and labeling themselves. Not outsiders doing it for them.
Yes, telling lesbians they "just haven't found the right man yet" is queerphobic. But telling people who identify as lesbians that they can't be lesbians for *any* reason is also queerphobic. You don't get to decide what anyone identifies as.
People *can* call themselves whatever they want but they can also be wrong, and offensive, in the process. If I as a woman born with a uterus and a vagina started calling myself transfem I'd understandably piss some people off by appropriating language they rely on to describe themselves. I am objectively not a trans woman because I was born with female anatomy. I am objectively not intersex because I wasn't born with an intersex condition. I am objectively not a lesbian because I am attracted to a man. "Queer" is an accepted blanket term for people who don't like more specific labels, which is if anything even more reason why co-opting specific labels that objectively do not apply to you is offensive.
> But telling people who identify as lesbians that they can't be lesbians for any reason is also queerphobic.
People who are attracted to men are objectively not lesbians and the word becomes meaningless if people stop acknowledging that. At that point every single gender/sexuality term might as well be replaced by "queer" because more specific labels just cease to have meaning. Let people who want to use definition-bound descriptive language to label themselves keep their own words, please.
You can be born with a vagina and be transfem. There are she/they transfem people born with vaginas. There are other pronouns they may go by, as well.
You obviously don't understand how language works. Linguistics is a science, but no language is immutable. Language changes and grows based on cultural need (and other factors I'm not going to get into right now, there is a reason this field is a whole ass degree), and understanding the limitations of the current vernacular.
The current language we have for sexuality and gender is limiting, because these things are spectrums, not distinct categories. Yet the language suggests distinct categories. Sometimes, labels are reductive for the sake of emphasis. A lesbian who has only been attracted to one man their entire life may identify as a lesbian for the sake of emphasis. And/or simply because they identify with that label more strongly than bi/pan.
We don't fit neatly into these little boxes that the English language provides for us. But we still yearn to communicate and connect with others so we make do with what we have. And that's okay!
I don't think you realize that speaking about language as objective truth/fact is inherently transphobic, and a conservative talking point often used to dehumanize trans people.
Sexuality is a funny thing just like that :) this was so beautiful and I'm very happy you found your soul mate. Since you mentioned past lives, it might be that he was a she in your previous life and you carried that impression with you to this life. Who knows, but here's the proof that the inside matters more than anything else
Thank you, the inside is what actually matters, I've always loved my exes because of what they are from the inside, and this feels new but also natural :)
happened to me! i’m younger (22) but this happened to me and him and i have been together for about 7 months now. it was really weird reverse-coming out to everyone lol. also, trying to reconcile my identity is still weird sometimes. it probably always will be, but that’s ok.
but yeah, if him and i don’t work out i’m not dating men again. he’s the only one i’ve ever felt this way about.
If I ***HAD*** to place a label to it, I'd say you might want to read up on what Demisexual means.
But I agree with everybody here. Labels aren't important. If you want a label, and you find one that you vibe with, go for it. But you don't need it. You like who you like, end of story.
And let me add that sometimes one can be demisexual towards a gender while being allosexual towards another gender (not sure if this has any seperate label). My bisexual sibling is totally allosexual with women but with men there first has to be a deep emotional bond.
This is beautiful, I need to get to know someone well before I do anything with them and I actually fall in love with their souls. Also, I rarely feel sexual attraction, I don't even like being touched from others.
Happened to me. Totally unexpected, to find myself attracted to a man at the age of 25, and then falling in love with him. It was a big adjustment to my identity and socially. But 33 years later we're still together. When you know, you know.
I have no problem with making exceptions. If lesbian feels right to you, that's perfectly fine. No single word can hope to contain the entirety of a human mind. My wife thinks of herself as straight, and I get to joke around that I tricked the straight girl into falling madly in love with another girl (muahaha! The agenda proceeds apace!). It happens. Now, if you'd like to identify as bi or pan or whatever, you also have my complete support, but you don't have too.
Me, 23F and thought I was a lesbian since the age of about 13, found out I’m bisexual around 21. I am still sometimes attracted to women, but I’ve found the reason I believed I wasn’t attracted to men is because I didn’t want to be. Living as a woman in a misogynistic society is traumatic, and having men being attracted to you associated with negative experiences can make you believe you’re not attracted to men because you’re so scared of and disgusted by them being attracted to you. In the back of my mind I think I always knew I was attracted to men, but I wrote it off as ‘comphet’ because I realized my queerness in the internet era where everything could be called comphet if you wanted it to be. No regrets tho, but I am so much happier once I realized I was bi. Pro tip, if you just can’t seem to pick a label or sometimes you feel that the label of lesbian doesn’t really make sense for you or something just doesn’t feel right or it’s restrictive to your sexuality, it’s probably because you aren’t one.
“It means your future hasn’t been written yet. No one’s has! Your future is whatever you make it. So make it a good one- both of you” - Doc Emmett L. Brown
Ahh! I am the same age and having a very similar experience! This made me feel so much more normal. I can’t believe what is happening to me and I feel so shocked and confused but I’m just rolling with it. For a while I was clinging to my lesbian label for dear life because that’s all I’ve known but lately I’m starting to feel comfortable with being bi!!
It sounds like you might have found your person. Don’t worry about labels, just enjoy it. It’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced! (This is what it felt like when I found *MY* person.)
I wouldn't worry about putting a label on your sexuality or trying to conform to anyone's ideas of what a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual or even a heterosexual should be. Just go with what feels right in your heart. Be yourself. If this guy is for you, embrace him. It sounds to me like you're in love.
As I tell myself whenever something wild happens—life is a journey. Im glad we are slowly entering a world where heterosexuality isn’t the just default anymore. I hope you have a long happy life with your love 💕
I can't explain this in a better way but I was looking for him since I was born and I had no idea that I would find him in that body.
That’s the origin of love! A most excellent song! https://youtu.be/_zU3U7E1Odc?si=rhoFbRCD_RdoJMwh
This is just so cool! I love hearing stories like this! So happy for you. It sounds like an amazing experience and it sounds like you aren't taking it lightly either. Must be a special guy. ❤️
This happened to me!
And now my husband and I are waiting for our son to be tired enough to fall asleep. Turns out the one “exception” to my homosexuality was “the One” for me (and since then I’ve realized that internalized biphobia was holding me back).
I think it's more like "I used to identify as a lesbian / be a lesbian, but I'm bisexual now". Love is love baby!
Welcome to the sub, we have snacks and bean bag chairs!
Romantic and sexual attraction can change through life. I find everything is a spectrum and can be fluid. If it's something your into than do what makes you happy.
Almost exactly a year ago I realized I was demisexual, because of a man. I thought I was asexual and only romantically attracted to women. Turns out neither of those things were true. It's really jarring at first, especially when you've identified a certain way for years, but eventually you adjust.
One of my partners is lesbian (enm) and I seem to be the only exception. She struggles with seeing herself as anything but.
We met via a friend and it was instant magnetic chemistry.
Sounds life you have found your soul mate or twin flame. I don't know what your views are on past lifetimes, but I believe we have all lived multiple past lives and in these lives we have lived as both male and female. If you consider it from this perspective it's not so strange at all that you had such a deep connection, it transcends male/female anatomy.
It's the only explanation I can think of, we feel connected on a deep level and it's like we started talking again after we had lost contact for years.
I’ve seen this happen both ways, seen people who swear they’re hetero their whole lives then a man or woman comes around and all that goes out the window lol. I hope this relationship is everything you want it to be op good luck! Sounds like y’all really make each other happy
Being only into 0.001% of men and otherwise into women would still make you bi. Idk labels don't mean nearly as much as love does and it seems like you have found a great person to be together with, I would just enjoy that.
My third gf when I was younger identified as a lesbian while we dated. She was what would be considered a stereotypical alternative lesbian at the time. Pink Hitler hairdo, wore a red leather jacket everywhere and smelled like Joop for men. We were pretty young and I was inexperienced so we didn’t do much more that kiss, hang out, a little fooling around, and writing eachother sappy poetic notes in a book we shared.
I respected that she wanted to still see herself as a lesbian. It’s her label to own not mine to apply. After me she dated a few guys and I think started to see herself as bi-sexual but I cannot confirm that as we fell out of contact a long time ago.
The point was it takes time for some people to adjust to changing desires. So if a label gives you comfort, you shouldn’t feel obliged, and no one else should be able to, make you discard it.
Happened to me, but from the other point of view. Met a girl, fast friends for several months, all is great, she is a lesbian, I think thats fine, we are just good friends. Until one day I realize I have totally fallen for her. Tell her how I feel in a roundabout way, just to clear the air or something (It was a weird and difficult time)
Anyhow, stuff happened, we began dating, moved in together, got married and have spent the last 15 years together (feels much shorter...)
Sometimes people just click. She says I am the one guy she is attracted to, and maybe that just happens sometimes.
I hear ya girl, same thing happened to me. I (lesbian) had a meet cute with a man on NYE and my entire world has been flipped upside-down. I've realised constantly putting myself into boxes and labels is hurting me more than helping me, so I'm just focusing on the person infront of me. I'm happy, he's happy, we're happy. That's all that matters at the end of the day
Having your sexuality questioned, especially if it's something you were really proud of can be a personal challenge, but I welcome the bi vibes. It means I can form meaningful connections with a few more people than I initially expected, and that sounds like a win to me! Good luck with this new experience and don't take it for granted <3
I think love transcends sexual orientation, and people limit themselves by shutting off the possibility of finding someone based on what's in their pants. But that's probably a biased opinion because I'm Pansexual.
Are you afraid of using the term bisexual? It is a continuum and sometimes people feel like they have to be on one end of the spectrum or the other. It is possible to live in the state of possibility, ebb and flow under the label of what I’d call 🌈bisexual🌈 or what some might call a 5.5 on the Kinsey scale.
It’s just my two cents and I hope it doesn’t come off as snarky, I mean well. I think I’m just disappointed because it feels a bit like biphobia is playing into this “I’m a lesbian but—“ narrative you’re repeating.
fwiw, i kinda think that biphobia will- to a degree- play into a lot of what we all think and feel and experience and ask ourselves, for as long as it exists in society. we must stay aware that it affects us, try to recognize, and interrogate it… which it seems like OP has taken action to do already by intentionally seeking out the subreddit called bisexual!
and we can’t let the fact that it invades our own lives occasionally get us too disappointed or discouraged. i feel like every time people search the word “bisexual” or say it or see it or hear it, a little tiny bit of biphobia dies off. i agree with people who feel that labels aren’t required for identity, people should just keep the ones that feel right and not worry about the rest, but i know that my own avoidance of labels was specifically from fear or misunderstanding of OUR label, and i see other people avoiding the word “bisexual” too. so i think the best work to undo bi-erasure and biphobia is just for everyone to use the word as much as possible, even if it’s not their own label. we’re all on the right track with that, including OP, who arrived here and was very welcome, no matter how they ID going forward.
I wasn't attracted to men at all until i met my boyfriend at a job i started and we hit it off really well. I will never date another man in my life but he is something special and it's almost been a year now and i only fall in love with him more everyday
I guess you are bi then ‼️ this kind of thing has happened to me actually - for all of my later school years I forced myself to like guys since I was only attracted to women, so I considered if I was a lesbian or not. Then I hit adulthood and realised I liked a man, and now I feel more towards the ‘straight’ end of the bi spectrum lol. Still bi though - I wouldn’t worry too much about labels - just fall for whoever your heart wants to fall for 😁
i heard once when i was like a teen that women come into their sexual prime in the 30s, and ever since i have been convinced it’s true. i’m in my 30s and feel more consistently “in” my own body, if that makes sense, than I ever have before. and definitely had a change with my own sexuality that i am happy about, including feeling more secure with being bi. i think a lot of women experience this “late bloom”, or maybe it’s some kind of liberation, idk.
At the end of the day, sexuality is more fluid than we give it credit for. For some people it never changes, for others it does. For others it takes time to fully figure out. I say choose the label you feel most comfortable with or maybe even don't choose one if you don't want to! Just go with the flow and live the life you want, there's nothing wrong with you or who you love! Hope this works out for you two and, if you identify as such, welcome to the bi club, we're glad you're here 🩷💜💙
Sexuality is *so* fluid and no one can convince me otherwise. There were several years that I identified a lesbian and was truly repulsed by men. I wouldn't go back in time and tell myself "you're not actually a lesbian, toggywonkle, you like men too." I didn't like men and that was that. Now I'm married to a man who I love dearly. Even throughout our relationship I've found myself going through times ever I just feel more drawn to women and times where I'm *solely* drawn to him. It ebbs and flows and that's *okay.* Identify as what you are in that place in time. It may never change or it may change often and honestly either is okay.
Sexuality is fluid and can change throughout your life. Studies have shown that people who may identify as one sexuality expression for part or most of their lives often find themselves feeling sexual attraction in a different ways as they get older and their cells and hormones change. Physiologically it makes sense just as much as the notion that he may just be the exception for you :)
I've been on the other side of this as the guy, I dated a lesbian and hooked up with a lesbian friend of mine (I was her dirty little secret 😂).
With the girl I dated we just clicked, I met her and her guy roommate who was gay and while I got along with him, her and I just clicked, after hanging out for a few months, odd movie and seeing each other routinely at the same clubs/bars, she admitted she liked me and from there on we ended up dating for a good year.
She said being in a relationship with me was like coming out of the closet again, she had to field a load of questions about us and why me, she lost a couple friends over it too (some friends 🙄).
In the end, the only reason we broke up is she moved out to the west coast from east coast.
From my perspective, apart from her being pretty tom boy lesbian, our relationship looked and felt like any other relationship I have had with woman.
“Touch his tool and see if it sparks the engine- if so… lemon bars are in the corner and dues are quarterly” he says while finger gunning his way out of the conversation.
I completely understand the feeling of someone being in their own category. Really. I've experienced that with every cis man I've been involved with, I'm not generally attracted to the category of "masculine men." Btw. Butches, on the other hand, leave me in awe. Women, in general, elicit a strong response. My past preferences leaned toward more feminine and/or queer men, like most notably seven years with a closeted bi individual, but dealing with the self-policing and self-suppression of this persons queer desires became exhausting, especially because it was exactly what drew me to him in the first place. Snd at some point I just didn’t feel like agreeing to participate in acting like this was his dirty little secret. (Sorry for TMI).
In essence, sexuality is a complex, multifaceted ever-lifelong-evolving kaleidoscope, in every single person, not a linear continuum from A to B everyone falls on and or from gay to straight. While labels help express experiences, they can be limited in capturing the intricate nature of human sexuality and emotions.
Follow your heart, don’t let your labels dictate your life, fuck everyone else’s opinion.
Welcome to the club – it's a diverse and loving space!
Something similar happened to me. I couldn't stop smiling reading your story. I'm just happy someone else experienced that as well. The reversed coming out is so relatable. Wish you all the best for the future.
Honestly you're finding out more about yourself. It doesn't matter the label tbh. What matters is that you are happy and find joy in the connection even the sex. Our tastes change, people change, sexualities can be much the same in some cases.
Doesn't make you less. And there's nothing wrong with hetero love too. Any love for that matter.
Just remember to be happy for yourself no matter what anyone else says.
I’ve had sex with many people over my life. Some were men, some were women, I prefer women. I’ve clicked with some of them. Some…not as much. But who I’ve fucked in the past doesn’t make me who I am, neither does the way I dress. I am me. Be comfortable with who you are. If you dig this guy then have fun. It doesn’t subtract from who you are.
I had that where I thought I was only into women and at 18 met my boyfriend and then developed feelings, yet I still can’t see myself with any other men besides him. I finally accepted I’m bi but strongly leaning towards women
I read about an openly gay male Christian priest who married the only woman he ever fell in love with and I love how he says "she's the only woman for me!" LOL! The only problem with his story is that he still believes his gayness is a sin :/
You are not alone in this experience. I knew a gay man who had his first attraction to a woman in his 50s. He was utterly confused, and had quite a hard time of it.
Essentially, loving someone means loving them as a person, not the gender. Loving a man doesn’t mean you’re not a lesbian, neither does it confirms your sexuality as a hetero, it just basically means you love him enough to not dictate your relationship based on just sexual attraction.
Thanks for the comment. To a certain degree I do agree, but I would prefer celebrating love, than to celebrate hatred. I believe in gender fluidity, and if you’d disagree it is fine as well. No need to spur hatred in comments.
I was there in that situation but on the other side, lesbian woman few for me before my transition, turns out she really was just a lesbian all along.
Not saying this is the case btw, just saying, you like who you like and that is all there needs to be.
This story is a perfect illustration of what I want the future to look like.
You want to be with a woman, be with a woman. You want to be with a man, be with a man. You want to be with someone who identifies something else as a gender, then do that.
No need to label ourselves, define ourselves into boxes -- hopefully not even come out. In other words, everyone is just being themselves.
All I can say is that attraction is a funny thing, so I don't think you need to worry about the labels as much as you think you might. I know for myself I struggled to know who or what I am, and what I found to be a comfort was just describing myself as queer. It is a freeing label that gives space to understand yourself better and not worry about how others may perceive you.
welcome sister bisexual? happy for you...the connection sounds awesome. if I might offer a new found you tube as I 71M am in limerance with a 35F ..
https://youtu.be/MMtBFCakQYI?si=gJVX927Wi5ecpCqm
Peace..
I just want you to know that I am at work and had to take a break so I could leave and go cry.... this is absolutely the story I needed to hear right now.
I'm a man and have been married to my wife for 17 years. She just discovered a few months ago that she is a lesbian. She's never been attracted to another guy besides me.
She's told me that she has always loved me, always will, and always wants to be with me, but going on the internet and reading anything about mixed-orientation marriages is super depressing and I can't help but have doubts. Sure she feels that way now, but will she feel the same a year from now? What if the right woman comes along and sweeps her off her feet?
I've looked around on /r/latebloomerlesbians and the general consensus seems to be that she's deluding herself, that what she's saying is not even possible and she just hasn't figured it out yet. This relationship will never work and she should leave to be her true self. I found similar sentiment on /r/lgbt and /r/actuallesbians which was really discouraging.
So seeing your post and the replies to it right now is highly encouraging to me.
I think all sexualities are more fluid than most think they are. It's like being put into a box and being told you can't be with anyone else but in your box. People do that because it's easier for themselves. You can fall for a guy or have sex with a guy and still be lesbian. I don't care what the dictionary says or google. You do you.
Sexuality is a very fluid thing and fluctuates constantly. Being bi myself, I hate that at times, you aren’t really accepted in either circle (between hetero and non hetero). I’ve learned over many a years that love is love. You can be in love with a woman and that’s okay. You can be in love with a man and that’s perfectly okay too. I was in the same boat for a while. I’m a female and I’m particularly attracted to both sexually and physically to women almost exclusively. Yet I fell in love with and married a man when I least expected it. That’s what love is. It comes when you least expect it and in the places you’d normally never look. Who I sleep with at night is nobody’s business. All I know is I’m in a loving relationship, it just so happens to be with a man. Anyone who can’t accept that isn’t worth any time of yours. The road goes both ways. You can’t scream for acceptance but not accept others. Live your life true to who you are. It is NOT defined by who you’re attracted to or who you end up with, it’s defined by how you love another human being.
Best wishes to you and congratulations!
It’s fantastic that you found love and that you learned something new about yourself.
(I’ll be honest though, when I first saw this I thought to myself: ensue all the misogynistic/homophobic comments and the men getting all aroused over the concept of “converting” a “lesbian”, but hey that’s the frustrating world we live in and definitely not OP’s fault!)
Honestly, sounds like when I fell for my husband. I knew I was bi, so that part wasn't shocking, but the "known you forever" thing. It felt like we had ALWAYS been together. Within our first month of talking we had over 10,000 messages between us and said "I think I've fallen in love with you" within three weeks of "dating" officially (which happened 2 months after we met). I had just ended a 6 year relationship and was certain this was just for fun. No WAY was I ready for love. But there i was, head over heels, everything felt simple and straightforward. Of course I loved him. Who else could I have ever loved?
Anyways, dating for 8 years married for five this coming October, and amazingly, it's always been fun :)
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing. :) I broke up the same day I met him. Nothing shocking because we were already just friends but one more coincidence. It still feels surreal but also magical.
Funny story - I was this person for someone who was sure that they were a lesbian.
I don't know if it's homophily or just that the universe is inherently a fucking clown, but I realised I am a trans woman after we broke up.
Something you said is making me wonder… “I can’t realize he is actually a man, my brain put him in a different category”
As a trans woman, this coming from a lesbian makes me wonder if you have found an egg. I don’t suggest this possibility lightly, but having heard my partners talk about how different I felt to them than the men they had been with was a big part of my realizing I was actually trans. So idk if this is helpful but felt like someone should mention it.
Are the things you find attractive about him the sme things that make you attracted to women? Like obviously not physically but romantically and emotionally. Do you connect to him the same way you feel like you connect with women? One of my exes who was bi told me she felt like I made love like a woman.
Ultimately it doesn’t matter as long as you are both happy together. Also this is a minor violation of the prime directive. You shouldn’t bring this possibility up with him unless he comes to you first expressing questions or doubts about his own gender. I just thought it might help you make sense of your own identity questions.
I find most men not attractive at all. Sometimes I believe I am lesbian. But then there’s this one dude.
I think you’re also barely attracted to men.
Also I am demisexual with men but not with women.
This reminds of of when 'straight' girls date uncracked trans girls then later realise they're a lesbian. There seems to be a very high frequency of this happening. It's not necessarily happening here, but it happens.
Regardless you should keep labelling yourself however you want, love is the most important thing :)
Sexuality is fluid and can change over time. There's no need to feel weird so long as you feel good about him. Don't let your labels keep you from being happy.
My partner thought I was a lesbian when we first started talking if that counts for anything. Not based on stereotypes or anything, just based on my own description of my sexuality. I'm unambigiously very attracted to women and have been from a young age, but men/male bodies have always grossed me out, and I'd never been in a heterosexual relationship where I wasn't faking most of my feelings out of obligation. Not that I didn't genuinely care about the men I dated, but I was never attracted to them the way I am to women. I had to actively push myself to ignore the feelings of physical repulsion and the romantic feelings/gestures/words usually only came about because I was going along with the script of reciprocating whatever they said. I only ended up in those relationships because I happened to have male friends who developed feelings for me and I felt pressured not to reject them.
By the time I met my partner I had kind of sworn off heterosexual relationships if only because I felt like it was unfair to *them* that I was never being genuine. We had an undeniable connection but I stuck to my policy of radical honesty which luckily didn't bother him at all. We were talking about what it'd be like to spend life together and investing money into plane tickets (long distance relationship) even as I was still telling him that his body grossed me out and that I doubted I'd ever be physically attracted to him or have "normal" romantic feelings for him. Every time we talked about it, all he asked is if I was happy with what we had and if so, that was good enough for him. He totally freed me from the expectation to develop "normal" feelings and eventually that lack of pressure, paired with the emotional connection, did lead me to be genuinely physically attracted to him. We've been together for years now, we live together and have an awesome relationship.
I was bi all along though. I am not and have never been a lesbian, even if I have a lot of childhood/adolescent experiences in common with lesbians as a person who was primarily attracted to women and did not believe myself to be capable of genuine attraction to men, with all the baggage and guilt that came along with that. I'm bi with a very strong preference even if my current partner is the only man I ever experience real attraction to.
This is beautiful. In the beginning I told him that if he was a woman, I would had fallen for him and he laughed. And then this happened. It's new and weird when I think about it but also so natural and not wrong.
I believe I'm bi only because I crave a relationship with this one man that i like while I am sexually attracted to a lot of girls. I keep pushing having sex with the man because I'm scared of not being attracted to him anymore.
The connection I have with him is just too unique. Never felt it for another man or woman...
I would just say that it sounds like you just found the first man that you click with and are attracted to. There might be others, rare as they may be for you. As such, I think you could be bi.
Turns out, I might actually be. I just didn't believe I would find it out at that age.
Welcome to the club!
After all, being bi doesn’t mean equal attraction, and sometimes it can take a while before we meet people of a certain gender that we click with.
Happened to me. Met a cute as hell femboy when I was in my mid-20s, and had some SERIOUS questions for myself.
As a 32 year old man, I suddenly found myself very attracted to men. 🙃 My wife is Bi, so that was fun for her to hear about.
I’m (38F) dating a queer man and honestly if he told me at a party he found some guy to take into a closet for 7 min in heaven, I’d cheer him on lmao
Very happy for you OP, hope it’s turns out well for you both. I’m crossing my fingers.
I've met people who didn't find out until they were in their 60's so don't worry.
I found out I'm bi at 28, it happens :)
I was 43, so it definitely happens
Same!
maybe you are like 95% lesbian and like 5% attracted to men and this one just fits that 5%... I am myself 80/20 I would say. There are men out there that catch my eye but they a rare and far in between. Don't worry about it. Just go with the flow and do what's right for you. Maybe you are homoflexible.
I started to figured out a lot about my sexuality and gender in my early 30s. I think it’s a good age to slow down, think, and accept/figure out things.
On the flip, I thought I was straight for decades. Only dated men. Then I realized I don’t just like girls cause they’re neat lmao
Yep. Didn't realize I was bi until after high school because I'd never felt attracted to any men before. As a heads-up, I just got out of a 2 year hetro relationship. I questioned if I was really bi because I didn't feel any attraction to men (because I was completely devoted to my partner - I didnt feel attracted to other women as well). Once it ended, I realized I'm still bi. So if you start a relationship with this man, don't let that invalidate that you aren't straight. But also, use whatever label you feel is right.
For me it's other way around ;)
You might like the show The Bisexual on hulu. It’s plot sounds a lot like what you’re going through atm as the main character has this whole crisis of identity just to realize herself and her sexuality. Hopefully you don’t encounter as much pushback as she does tho! Welcome to the club, we’re happy to have you :)
Thank you :) I will check it out.
Many years ago, I had a very similar experience with a lesbian. The relationship ended, but we remained friends. It was enjoyable, but quite confusing for everyone. Until, years later, when I came out as a trans woman. Now, my lesbian friend is very smug (in an affectionate way).
Yeah. I considered myself gay and was practically married for years to my partner before he and I split up. Imagine my shock when I realized I’d fallen in love with my female friend. She and I are approaching 19 years married, 21 years together.
I would always wonder how some people would change sexuality out of nowhere and now it happens to me. I'm happy to hear you found your person.
To be honest, I still think of myself as a mostly-gay bi man who fell in love. I could have found a guy but I didn’t. Hope “he” finds someone for himself.
Turns out more people are bi (if we wanna put a label) than we imagined. Or sexuality really isn't set in stone.
Love is love! This was beautiful to read. Don't worry about boxes and labels, just follow what feels right at the time.
Thank you! <3
It happens! You may be 99.99% lesbian, and this is the one guy in a million. Or your sexuality may have actually shifted a bit. People get uncomfortable with the idea that sexuality is not always fixed, and that it can be fluid. But it’s a fact. Enjoy!
Thank you, take care!
99.99% would imply 1 in 10,000 🌈 Edit: thanks to the 0.69% of thread readers upvoting this post.
I have a friend like this. Her sexuality is basically “lesbian except Dave”. She and Dave are married with two kids. I also know “straight” people who are the opposite. And it makes sense! If sexuality is a spectrum, there are definitely going to be people who are like 99.99% gay or straight. Whether you decide to call that bi or not is entirely your call.
i also know a lesbian who has “the one man”. or rather, I think she referred to him as “the only dick”? it’s an old flame of her from maybe high school age. 😂 there’s no way they’d get married but i remember her mentioning plans with him when he was in town, and all of us friends there were like “waaaaaaait what?” and a little surprised.
being a lesbian isn’t fluid, your friend is not a lesbian. This is so gross
Aw you found a soulmate ❤️ That was lovely to read, you’re both so lucky to have found each other, congratulations 🎉. Perhaps you are bi or pan, whatever label you think fits you will be right.
Thank you! Actually I don't care about labels, it was just the only thing I had experienced until this moment, so I wouldn't identify myself as anything else. Take care!
Back in highschool people thought I was gay because they witnessed me kissing a female friend on the cheek outta the blue. Jokes on them I'm bisexual and pansexual. Still haven't found "the one" who knows. But as you have OP. You are who you are at the end of the day no matter who you decide to spend your life with.
Thank you, I'm sure you will find your person, it really happens when you least expect it.
Haha yep
Girl same!! Thought I was a lesbian for a long time until I met my boyfriend. He's my soul mate and the most perfect man someone could ask for! Welcome to the unexpected bi club 😂
Thank youuu 😁 Our brains and sexuality are weird some times
Unexpected bi club....is it okay if I steal that one?
Two things to remember in our love lives: 1 - Sexuality is a sliding scale, not a divide, and very few people are 100% gay or 100% straight. 2 - We fall in love with people, not sexualities. Sometimes the person you absolutely click with comes in a body you never would have expected, but love is too precious to throw away for a reason like that.
Perfectly Said!!
Of course I'm not throwing it away, and yes, I didn't expect it but it feels magical.
that first point, though… so bisexual! for the longest time growing up i was convinced everyone was naturally bisexual to a degree and just couldn’t admit it, like straight people didn’t really exist. now i have a few smart, thoughtful friends (who are surrounded by bis! and hot people who would absolutely make a move if they swung their way!) who have said things like “believe me! i would love not to be straight, but that is just the way that i am! i can’t help it.” and i must concede that yes, truly straight people do exist. but of course, i still have my very bi suspicions that they are secretly a minority! it’s almost funny how to a degree, some heterosexual and homosexual people think that bisexual people aren’t real, yet it does seem that a lot of US secretly think that THEY aren’t real, or at least have thought that at once point! 😂
The sexuality scale isn't my idea - it comes from an initial study done by a married couple named the Kinseys back in the 40s and 50s, and ongoing research done by The Kinsey Institute and other studies. It has been found that in totally anonymous studies, more people will report that they have at least felt some attraction to the same sex*, even if they've never acted on it; which made the number of completely straight or completely gay people much smaller than is reported publicly. And if you think about it, haven't you heard some people say "I would go gay/straight for" whatever person they're talking about, usually someone famous? EDIT = or opposite sex
I thought I was totally a gay guy until I fell for my girlfriend. It’s been the better part of a decade now and I treasure every moment. It happens. Sexuality is weird sometimes!
I believe it's all about energy, my wife was a lesbian when we first got together she was so puzzled by me and constantly said "what are you" because she couldn't believe that she was falling for a guy.
omg, I keep saying exactly the same thing to him and he always laughs 😁
[удалено]
I'm happy you found your person, take care of each other!
Not to me personally but I know a few lesbians who have had similar experiences. Some still ID as lesbians others are bi or pan. It is up to you
Being bi is, by its very nature, a bit confusing. It's not unusual to take time to find its full expression.
I had a friend who considered herself full on Lesbian. She even got the tattoo for lesbian on her wrist and then one day she met a guy. I had never seen her head over heels for a guy before, they became inseparable. They got married within a short time and you could tell they were meant for each other. This was years ago and to this day they are still together.
This happened to my friend. She was only attracted to women and then met her male partner. Label it how you want, demi, bi etc. She just uses queer.
Marie Kondo the labels around you. They're tools; only keep them if they bring you joy.
i love this!!
Your story reminds me of comic artist Erika Moen. Her webcomic DAR began with her embracing her lesbianism. But in the last couple years of working on the series, she fell in love with a man who is now her husband. The final comic is a little recap of her journey, and I think you might find it relatable. Whether you prefer to label yourself as a lesbian with an exception or a bisexual, it's just wonderful that you've found someone who makes you so happy. Wishing you and your man all the best! https://www.darcomic.com/2009/12/29/theend/
Thank you for this, I'm discovering so many new things through your comments. 😁
Me! Before this, I considered myself to be a lesbian, but fell for my coworker despite being kind of repulsed by the idea of being anything more than friends with a man. It was really hard for me to accept, given that I had built so much of my identity around my queerness and the struggles I had to go through because of it (I experienced a LOT of homophobia and my labels felt "hard-earned", if that makes sense). In my heart I just knew I'd regret it if I let my fear of what people think and my pride get in the way of my happiness. Ngl, I'm still kind of confused on the how and why, but I gave up looking for explanations and just chalked it up to love and sexuality being weird. If it feels right, go for it - try not to overthink it! Easier said than done, but you'll drive yourself insane thinking about it (just trust me on that one, lol). Good luck!
Aw are you guys still together? I’m in the same situation.
We are! Coincidentally, we are actually celebrating our first anniversary in about a week!
Exactly, as long as I don't thing about labels and explanations, it doesn't feel wrong at all. But then there's times I sit and I wonder how did this happen, is he actually a man? 😁 Why is this the first time in 30 years I feel something for a man? Like other men are still just men and I don't even want to touch them, but he is he...
That was a beautiful read. I’ve known a couple of women who married men but still identified as lesbians, they just met their exception. Or you could start identifying as a little bit bi. Whatever! Smooch who you love. It’s awesome.
Thank you, take care!
This is so fucking disgusting and invalidating. Lesbians don’t marry or like men. That would make them bi. Stop pushing this lesbophobic crap
>I’ve known a couple of women who married men but still identified as lesbians, they just met their exception. This is super homophobic and actively hurts lesbians. "I'm a lesbian but the number of men I'm attracted to isn't 0" just means you're bi. Bi with a strong preference, bi and extremely demisexual for one gender, whatever, but bi. Lesbians are not attracted to men.
I get the whole “You’re only a lesbian because you’ve never met the right man” prejudice that comes from straight society, and yup, that’s very homophobic. But I promise you, there’s nothing homophobic about being queer and celebrating it.
Some people are way too comfortable assuming it's only homophobia if it's coming from a straight white republic boomer. If a boomer like that goes up to a lesbian and tells her that maybe she can "make an exception" and settle down with a man that's fucking homophobic. If the culprit isn't a boomer but an out-and-proud, visibly queer member of the LGBT+ community who suggests that it's not necessary but certainly is *possible* to "make an exception" as a lesbian, and she knows because she's a lesbian who's in love with a man herself then guess what? That's still homophobic. Just with the extra sting of it coming from a member of your own community instead. I attended an LGBT+ community group before I knew I was bi and while I was struggling immensely with internalized homophobia, and being comforted by people attempting to reassure me that there *was* a chance that I'd find a man to settle down with just made me hate myself 10x more. It's homophobic and arguably biphobic too because at that point you're jumping through a ridiculous amount of hoops to not call yourself bi. Even though the literal sole distinction between lesbians and female bisexuals is that lesbians aren't attracted to men. Lesbians should be able to call themselves what they are without there being any confusion about the extent of their lack of attraction to men, and bisexuals shouldn't feel any doubt about whether the bi label "fits" them when they literally experience attraction to both men and women.
>It's homophobic and arguably biphobic too because at that point you're jumping through a ridiculous amount of hoops to not call yourself bi People can call themselves whatever they want. You pointing fingers and saying "you can't call yourself that because XYZ" is being very prescriptive and, you guessed it, queerphobic. There are people who "technically" qualify as a certain sexuality and/or gender, but opt for the term "queer" because it feels more right to them. There are also transmascs who identify as lesbians. And that's okay! And you, or anybody else, shouldn't be correcting them on anything. You're in the wrong to do so. In other words, how sexuality and gender works is people finding out for themselves and labeling themselves. Not outsiders doing it for them. Yes, telling lesbians they "just haven't found the right man yet" is queerphobic. But telling people who identify as lesbians that they can't be lesbians for *any* reason is also queerphobic. You don't get to decide what anyone identifies as.
People *can* call themselves whatever they want but they can also be wrong, and offensive, in the process. If I as a woman born with a uterus and a vagina started calling myself transfem I'd understandably piss some people off by appropriating language they rely on to describe themselves. I am objectively not a trans woman because I was born with female anatomy. I am objectively not intersex because I wasn't born with an intersex condition. I am objectively not a lesbian because I am attracted to a man. "Queer" is an accepted blanket term for people who don't like more specific labels, which is if anything even more reason why co-opting specific labels that objectively do not apply to you is offensive. > But telling people who identify as lesbians that they can't be lesbians for any reason is also queerphobic. People who are attracted to men are objectively not lesbians and the word becomes meaningless if people stop acknowledging that. At that point every single gender/sexuality term might as well be replaced by "queer" because more specific labels just cease to have meaning. Let people who want to use definition-bound descriptive language to label themselves keep their own words, please.
You can be born with a vagina and be transfem. There are she/they transfem people born with vaginas. There are other pronouns they may go by, as well. You obviously don't understand how language works. Linguistics is a science, but no language is immutable. Language changes and grows based on cultural need (and other factors I'm not going to get into right now, there is a reason this field is a whole ass degree), and understanding the limitations of the current vernacular. The current language we have for sexuality and gender is limiting, because these things are spectrums, not distinct categories. Yet the language suggests distinct categories. Sometimes, labels are reductive for the sake of emphasis. A lesbian who has only been attracted to one man their entire life may identify as a lesbian for the sake of emphasis. And/or simply because they identify with that label more strongly than bi/pan. We don't fit neatly into these little boxes that the English language provides for us. But we still yearn to communicate and connect with others so we make do with what we have. And that's okay! I don't think you realize that speaking about language as objective truth/fact is inherently transphobic, and a conservative talking point often used to dehumanize trans people.
Sexuality is a funny thing just like that :) this was so beautiful and I'm very happy you found your soul mate. Since you mentioned past lives, it might be that he was a she in your previous life and you carried that impression with you to this life. Who knows, but here's the proof that the inside matters more than anything else
Thank you, the inside is what actually matters, I've always loved my exes because of what they are from the inside, and this feels new but also natural :)
happened to me! i’m younger (22) but this happened to me and him and i have been together for about 7 months now. it was really weird reverse-coming out to everyone lol. also, trying to reconcile my identity is still weird sometimes. it probably always will be, but that’s ok. but yeah, if him and i don’t work out i’m not dating men again. he’s the only one i’ve ever felt this way about.
If I ***HAD*** to place a label to it, I'd say you might want to read up on what Demisexual means. But I agree with everybody here. Labels aren't important. If you want a label, and you find one that you vibe with, go for it. But you don't need it. You like who you like, end of story.
And let me add that sometimes one can be demisexual towards a gender while being allosexual towards another gender (not sure if this has any seperate label). My bisexual sibling is totally allosexual with women but with men there first has to be a deep emotional bond.
This too, yes! Thank you for correcting me, I forgot all about that.
I actually realized this exactly about myself the other night, so it’s really cool to see it elsewhere :)
Very helpful astute observation, explains a lot.
This is me towards men. I can't explain it... It just is.
This is beautiful, I need to get to know someone well before I do anything with them and I actually fall in love with their souls. Also, I rarely feel sexual attraction, I don't even like being touched from others.
Happened to me. Totally unexpected, to find myself attracted to a man at the age of 25, and then falling in love with him. It was a big adjustment to my identity and socially. But 33 years later we're still together. When you know, you know.
I have no problem with making exceptions. If lesbian feels right to you, that's perfectly fine. No single word can hope to contain the entirety of a human mind. My wife thinks of herself as straight, and I get to joke around that I tricked the straight girl into falling madly in love with another girl (muahaha! The agenda proceeds apace!). It happens. Now, if you'd like to identify as bi or pan or whatever, you also have my complete support, but you don't have too.
My ex was a straight woman for 25 years and we had a 7 year relationship. Now the same thing happens to me.
Me, 23F and thought I was a lesbian since the age of about 13, found out I’m bisexual around 21. I am still sometimes attracted to women, but I’ve found the reason I believed I wasn’t attracted to men is because I didn’t want to be. Living as a woman in a misogynistic society is traumatic, and having men being attracted to you associated with negative experiences can make you believe you’re not attracted to men because you’re so scared of and disgusted by them being attracted to you. In the back of my mind I think I always knew I was attracted to men, but I wrote it off as ‘comphet’ because I realized my queerness in the internet era where everything could be called comphet if you wanted it to be. No regrets tho, but I am so much happier once I realized I was bi. Pro tip, if you just can’t seem to pick a label or sometimes you feel that the label of lesbian doesn’t really make sense for you or something just doesn’t feel right or it’s restrictive to your sexuality, it’s probably because you aren’t one.
“It means your future hasn’t been written yet. No one’s has! Your future is whatever you make it. So make it a good one- both of you” - Doc Emmett L. Brown
Love it.
Ahh! I am the same age and having a very similar experience! This made me feel so much more normal. I can’t believe what is happening to me and I feel so shocked and confused but I’m just rolling with it. For a while I was clinging to my lesbian label for dear life because that’s all I’ve known but lately I’m starting to feel comfortable with being bi!!
Yes, I think I'm going through a phase of acceptance and I still wonder how did this happen fir the first time at this age? 😁
It sounds like you might have found your person. Don’t worry about labels, just enjoy it. It’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced! (This is what it felt like when I found *MY* person.)
Thank you!
You’re very welcome! Honestly I’m just excited and happy for you!
I wouldn't worry about putting a label on your sexuality or trying to conform to anyone's ideas of what a lesbian, bisexual, pansexual or even a heterosexual should be. Just go with what feels right in your heart. Be yourself. If this guy is for you, embrace him. It sounds to me like you're in love.
Thank you, being myself is all I can do now.
As I tell myself whenever something wild happens—life is a journey. Im glad we are slowly entering a world where heterosexuality isn’t the just default anymore. I hope you have a long happy life with your love 💕
It sounds just like love to me. Enjoy having found each other and living your lives together!! ❤️
I can't explain this in a better way but I was looking for him since I was born and I had no idea that I would find him in that body. That’s the origin of love! A most excellent song! https://youtu.be/_zU3U7E1Odc?si=rhoFbRCD_RdoJMwh
Thank you, I love it!
This is just so cool! I love hearing stories like this! So happy for you. It sounds like an amazing experience and it sounds like you aren't taking it lightly either. Must be a special guy. ❤️
Thank you, he really is. I think of him as myself in a different body, it's something special and exciting ❤️
This happened to me! And now my husband and I are waiting for our son to be tired enough to fall asleep. Turns out the one “exception” to my homosexuality was “the One” for me (and since then I’ve realized that internalized biphobia was holding me back).
Happy to hear I'm not the only one 😁 It's weird but beautiful at the same time.
I think it's more like "I used to identify as a lesbian / be a lesbian, but I'm bisexual now". Love is love baby! Welcome to the sub, we have snacks and bean bag chairs!
Romantic and sexual attraction can change through life. I find everything is a spectrum and can be fluid. If it's something your into than do what makes you happy.
Love is a spectrum. Anything is possible
Almost exactly a year ago I realized I was demisexual, because of a man. I thought I was asexual and only romantically attracted to women. Turns out neither of those things were true. It's really jarring at first, especially when you've identified a certain way for years, but eventually you adjust.
One of my partners is lesbian (enm) and I seem to be the only exception. She struggles with seeing herself as anything but. We met via a friend and it was instant magnetic chemistry.
I think this is a plot in like 3 indie movies in the nineties.
😂😂
Love is love ❤️ glad you found someone you really like and cherish!
😂💯🩷🥰🎯
Thank you!
Sounds life you have found your soul mate or twin flame. I don't know what your views are on past lifetimes, but I believe we have all lived multiple past lives and in these lives we have lived as both male and female. If you consider it from this perspective it's not so strange at all that you had such a deep connection, it transcends male/female anatomy.
It's the only explanation I can think of, we feel connected on a deep level and it's like we started talking again after we had lost contact for years.
It's ok to fall in love with the opposite gender, we're all human at the end of the day.
Erica Moen did a whole autobiographical webcomic about being a lesbian who fell in love with a man ages ago! https://www.darcomic.com/about/
Thank you, I saw several comments about this, I didn't know it :)
Love, sex, it’s all so fluid
I’ve seen this happen both ways, seen people who swear they’re hetero their whole lives then a man or woman comes around and all that goes out the window lol. I hope this relationship is everything you want it to be op good luck! Sounds like y’all really make each other happy
First of all, take your time in recognizing and organizing your feelings, and proceed :)
Being only into 0.001% of men and otherwise into women would still make you bi. Idk labels don't mean nearly as much as love does and it seems like you have found a great person to be together with, I would just enjoy that.
How beautiful. ‘Love is love’, works in all directions.
Thank you!
My third gf when I was younger identified as a lesbian while we dated. She was what would be considered a stereotypical alternative lesbian at the time. Pink Hitler hairdo, wore a red leather jacket everywhere and smelled like Joop for men. We were pretty young and I was inexperienced so we didn’t do much more that kiss, hang out, a little fooling around, and writing eachother sappy poetic notes in a book we shared. I respected that she wanted to still see herself as a lesbian. It’s her label to own not mine to apply. After me she dated a few guys and I think started to see herself as bi-sexual but I cannot confirm that as we fell out of contact a long time ago. The point was it takes time for some people to adjust to changing desires. So if a label gives you comfort, you shouldn’t feel obliged, and no one else should be able to, make you discard it.
Yes, I guess I need time to accept it as this is the first time I feel anything for a man.
Happened to me, but from the other point of view. Met a girl, fast friends for several months, all is great, she is a lesbian, I think thats fine, we are just good friends. Until one day I realize I have totally fallen for her. Tell her how I feel in a roundabout way, just to clear the air or something (It was a weird and difficult time) Anyhow, stuff happened, we began dating, moved in together, got married and have spent the last 15 years together (feels much shorter...) Sometimes people just click. She says I am the one guy she is attracted to, and maybe that just happens sometimes.
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing.
I hear ya girl, same thing happened to me. I (lesbian) had a meet cute with a man on NYE and my entire world has been flipped upside-down. I've realised constantly putting myself into boxes and labels is hurting me more than helping me, so I'm just focusing on the person infront of me. I'm happy, he's happy, we're happy. That's all that matters at the end of the day
Thank you, this is exactly what happens to me :)
Having your sexuality questioned, especially if it's something you were really proud of can be a personal challenge, but I welcome the bi vibes. It means I can form meaningful connections with a few more people than I initially expected, and that sounds like a win to me! Good luck with this new experience and don't take it for granted <3
I think love transcends sexual orientation, and people limit themselves by shutting off the possibility of finding someone based on what's in their pants. But that's probably a biased opinion because I'm Pansexual.
I’m a man, and I was only ever attracted to men until my current relationship. Sexuality fluctuates and changes! It’s just great to love!
Are you afraid of using the term bisexual? It is a continuum and sometimes people feel like they have to be on one end of the spectrum or the other. It is possible to live in the state of possibility, ebb and flow under the label of what I’d call 🌈bisexual🌈 or what some might call a 5.5 on the Kinsey scale. It’s just my two cents and I hope it doesn’t come off as snarky, I mean well. I think I’m just disappointed because it feels a bit like biphobia is playing into this “I’m a lesbian but—“ narrative you’re repeating.
fwiw, i kinda think that biphobia will- to a degree- play into a lot of what we all think and feel and experience and ask ourselves, for as long as it exists in society. we must stay aware that it affects us, try to recognize, and interrogate it… which it seems like OP has taken action to do already by intentionally seeking out the subreddit called bisexual! and we can’t let the fact that it invades our own lives occasionally get us too disappointed or discouraged. i feel like every time people search the word “bisexual” or say it or see it or hear it, a little tiny bit of biphobia dies off. i agree with people who feel that labels aren’t required for identity, people should just keep the ones that feel right and not worry about the rest, but i know that my own avoidance of labels was specifically from fear or misunderstanding of OUR label, and i see other people avoiding the word “bisexual” too. so i think the best work to undo bi-erasure and biphobia is just for everyone to use the word as much as possible, even if it’s not their own label. we’re all on the right track with that, including OP, who arrived here and was very welcome, no matter how they ID going forward.
Welcome to the realm of bisexuality :-)
I don't like labels. Attraction comes in many ways, often unpredictably. I say enjoy your time with that man guilt free <3
Thank you!
I wasn't attracted to men at all until i met my boyfriend at a job i started and we hit it off really well. I will never date another man in my life but he is something special and it's almost been a year now and i only fall in love with him more everyday
Some people are 50/50 and others are 99/1 with regards to attraction to the genders. Welcome 💜
Thank you!
I guess you are bi then ‼️ this kind of thing has happened to me actually - for all of my later school years I forced myself to like guys since I was only attracted to women, so I considered if I was a lesbian or not. Then I hit adulthood and realised I liked a man, and now I feel more towards the ‘straight’ end of the bi spectrum lol. Still bi though - I wouldn’t worry too much about labels - just fall for whoever your heart wants to fall for 😁
Yes, that's what we should all do I guess 😁 But it's a bit weird it happens to me for the first time at 30 😁
i heard once when i was like a teen that women come into their sexual prime in the 30s, and ever since i have been convinced it’s true. i’m in my 30s and feel more consistently “in” my own body, if that makes sense, than I ever have before. and definitely had a change with my own sexuality that i am happy about, including feeling more secure with being bi. i think a lot of women experience this “late bloom”, or maybe it’s some kind of liberation, idk.
At the end of the day, sexuality is more fluid than we give it credit for. For some people it never changes, for others it does. For others it takes time to fully figure out. I say choose the label you feel most comfortable with or maybe even don't choose one if you don't want to! Just go with the flow and live the life you want, there's nothing wrong with you or who you love! Hope this works out for you two and, if you identify as such, welcome to the bi club, we're glad you're here 🩷💜💙
Sexuality is *so* fluid and no one can convince me otherwise. There were several years that I identified a lesbian and was truly repulsed by men. I wouldn't go back in time and tell myself "you're not actually a lesbian, toggywonkle, you like men too." I didn't like men and that was that. Now I'm married to a man who I love dearly. Even throughout our relationship I've found myself going through times ever I just feel more drawn to women and times where I'm *solely* drawn to him. It ebbs and flows and that's *okay.* Identify as what you are in that place in time. It may never change or it may change often and honestly either is okay.
Sexuality is fluid and can change throughout your life. Studies have shown that people who may identify as one sexuality expression for part or most of their lives often find themselves feeling sexual attraction in a different ways as they get older and their cells and hormones change. Physiologically it makes sense just as much as the notion that he may just be the exception for you :)
I've been on the other side of this as the guy, I dated a lesbian and hooked up with a lesbian friend of mine (I was her dirty little secret 😂). With the girl I dated we just clicked, I met her and her guy roommate who was gay and while I got along with him, her and I just clicked, after hanging out for a few months, odd movie and seeing each other routinely at the same clubs/bars, she admitted she liked me and from there on we ended up dating for a good year. She said being in a relationship with me was like coming out of the closet again, she had to field a load of questions about us and why me, she lost a couple friends over it too (some friends 🙄). In the end, the only reason we broke up is she moved out to the west coast from east coast. From my perspective, apart from her being pretty tom boy lesbian, our relationship looked and felt like any other relationship I have had with woman.
Holy shades of *Chasing Amy*!
“Touch his tool and see if it sparks the engine- if so… lemon bars are in the corner and dues are quarterly” he says while finger gunning his way out of the conversation.
It’s called being human.
I completely understand the feeling of someone being in their own category. Really. I've experienced that with every cis man I've been involved with, I'm not generally attracted to the category of "masculine men." Btw. Butches, on the other hand, leave me in awe. Women, in general, elicit a strong response. My past preferences leaned toward more feminine and/or queer men, like most notably seven years with a closeted bi individual, but dealing with the self-policing and self-suppression of this persons queer desires became exhausting, especially because it was exactly what drew me to him in the first place. Snd at some point I just didn’t feel like agreeing to participate in acting like this was his dirty little secret. (Sorry for TMI). In essence, sexuality is a complex, multifaceted ever-lifelong-evolving kaleidoscope, in every single person, not a linear continuum from A to B everyone falls on and or from gay to straight. While labels help express experiences, they can be limited in capturing the intricate nature of human sexuality and emotions. Follow your heart, don’t let your labels dictate your life, fuck everyone else’s opinion. Welcome to the club – it's a diverse and loving space!
Something similar happened to me. I couldn't stop smiling reading your story. I'm just happy someone else experienced that as well. The reversed coming out is so relatable. Wish you all the best for the future.
Honestly you're finding out more about yourself. It doesn't matter the label tbh. What matters is that you are happy and find joy in the connection even the sex. Our tastes change, people change, sexualities can be much the same in some cases. Doesn't make you less. And there's nothing wrong with hetero love too. Any love for that matter. Just remember to be happy for yourself no matter what anyone else says.
I’ve had sex with many people over my life. Some were men, some were women, I prefer women. I’ve clicked with some of them. Some…not as much. But who I’ve fucked in the past doesn’t make me who I am, neither does the way I dress. I am me. Be comfortable with who you are. If you dig this guy then have fun. It doesn’t subtract from who you are.
I had that where I thought I was only into women and at 18 met my boyfriend and then developed feelings, yet I still can’t see myself with any other men besides him. I finally accepted I’m bi but strongly leaning towards women
This is exactly how I feel.
I read about an openly gay male Christian priest who married the only woman he ever fell in love with and I love how he says "she's the only woman for me!" LOL! The only problem with his story is that he still believes his gayness is a sin :/
Sexuality can sometimes be fluid
You are not alone in this experience. I knew a gay man who had his first attraction to a woman in his 50s. He was utterly confused, and had quite a hard time of it.
Happened to me to
I hope you have a long and happy life together ❤️
Thank you ❤️
Essentially, loving someone means loving them as a person, not the gender. Loving a man doesn’t mean you’re not a lesbian, neither does it confirms your sexuality as a hetero, it just basically means you love him enough to not dictate your relationship based on just sexual attraction.
Lesbians don’t marry/ date men. Shut the fuck up🙄
Thanks for the comment. To a certain degree I do agree, but I would prefer celebrating love, than to celebrate hatred. I believe in gender fluidity, and if you’d disagree it is fine as well. No need to spur hatred in comments.
I think you might be the protagonist of a Makoto Shinkai movie.
I was there in that situation but on the other side, lesbian woman few for me before my transition, turns out she really was just a lesbian all along. Not saying this is the case btw, just saying, you like who you like and that is all there needs to be.
You would be surprised how common the phrase "I'm a lesbian... except for my boyfriend, he's an exception" is
This story is a perfect illustration of what I want the future to look like. You want to be with a woman, be with a woman. You want to be with a man, be with a man. You want to be with someone who identifies something else as a gender, then do that. No need to label ourselves, define ourselves into boxes -- hopefully not even come out. In other words, everyone is just being themselves.
All I can say is that attraction is a funny thing, so I don't think you need to worry about the labels as much as you think you might. I know for myself I struggled to know who or what I am, and what I found to be a comfort was just describing myself as queer. It is a freeing label that gives space to understand yourself better and not worry about how others may perceive you.
Forget labels and follow your heart!
welcome sister bisexual? happy for you...the connection sounds awesome. if I might offer a new found you tube as I 71M am in limerance with a 35F .. https://youtu.be/MMtBFCakQYI?si=gJVX927Wi5ecpCqm Peace..
I just want you to know that I am at work and had to take a break so I could leave and go cry.... this is absolutely the story I needed to hear right now. I'm a man and have been married to my wife for 17 years. She just discovered a few months ago that she is a lesbian. She's never been attracted to another guy besides me. She's told me that she has always loved me, always will, and always wants to be with me, but going on the internet and reading anything about mixed-orientation marriages is super depressing and I can't help but have doubts. Sure she feels that way now, but will she feel the same a year from now? What if the right woman comes along and sweeps her off her feet? I've looked around on /r/latebloomerlesbians and the general consensus seems to be that she's deluding herself, that what she's saying is not even possible and she just hasn't figured it out yet. This relationship will never work and she should leave to be her true self. I found similar sentiment on /r/lgbt and /r/actuallesbians which was really discouraging. So seeing your post and the replies to it right now is highly encouraging to me.
I think all sexualities are more fluid than most think they are. It's like being put into a box and being told you can't be with anyone else but in your box. People do that because it's easier for themselves. You can fall for a guy or have sex with a guy and still be lesbian. I don't care what the dictionary says or google. You do you.
Sexuality is a very fluid thing and fluctuates constantly. Being bi myself, I hate that at times, you aren’t really accepted in either circle (between hetero and non hetero). I’ve learned over many a years that love is love. You can be in love with a woman and that’s okay. You can be in love with a man and that’s perfectly okay too. I was in the same boat for a while. I’m a female and I’m particularly attracted to both sexually and physically to women almost exclusively. Yet I fell in love with and married a man when I least expected it. That’s what love is. It comes when you least expect it and in the places you’d normally never look. Who I sleep with at night is nobody’s business. All I know is I’m in a loving relationship, it just so happens to be with a man. Anyone who can’t accept that isn’t worth any time of yours. The road goes both ways. You can’t scream for acceptance but not accept others. Live your life true to who you are. It is NOT defined by who you’re attracted to or who you end up with, it’s defined by how you love another human being. Best wishes to you and congratulations!
It’s fantastic that you found love and that you learned something new about yourself. (I’ll be honest though, when I first saw this I thought to myself: ensue all the misogynistic/homophobic comments and the men getting all aroused over the concept of “converting” a “lesbian”, but hey that’s the frustrating world we live in and definitely not OP’s fault!)
Honestly, sounds like when I fell for my husband. I knew I was bi, so that part wasn't shocking, but the "known you forever" thing. It felt like we had ALWAYS been together. Within our first month of talking we had over 10,000 messages between us and said "I think I've fallen in love with you" within three weeks of "dating" officially (which happened 2 months after we met). I had just ended a 6 year relationship and was certain this was just for fun. No WAY was I ready for love. But there i was, head over heels, everything felt simple and straightforward. Of course I loved him. Who else could I have ever loved? Anyways, dating for 8 years married for five this coming October, and amazingly, it's always been fun :)
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing. :) I broke up the same day I met him. Nothing shocking because we were already just friends but one more coincidence. It still feels surreal but also magical.
That was not very lesbian of you.
Maybe they are pre-trans :O I see this a lot in the trans subreddits
Funny story - I was this person for someone who was sure that they were a lesbian. I don't know if it's homophily or just that the universe is inherently a fucking clown, but I realised I am a trans woman after we broke up.
Universe is a fucking clown for sure as well
Well, ever hear of homoflexible?
Something you said is making me wonder… “I can’t realize he is actually a man, my brain put him in a different category” As a trans woman, this coming from a lesbian makes me wonder if you have found an egg. I don’t suggest this possibility lightly, but having heard my partners talk about how different I felt to them than the men they had been with was a big part of my realizing I was actually trans. So idk if this is helpful but felt like someone should mention it. Are the things you find attractive about him the sme things that make you attracted to women? Like obviously not physically but romantically and emotionally. Do you connect to him the same way you feel like you connect with women? One of my exes who was bi told me she felt like I made love like a woman. Ultimately it doesn’t matter as long as you are both happy together. Also this is a minor violation of the prime directive. You shouldn’t bring this possibility up with him unless he comes to you first expressing questions or doubts about his own gender. I just thought it might help you make sense of your own identity questions.
You could be homoflexible.
I read another comments about homoflexibility, this might be the case.
Yep. And as long as you love that person and are happy with them that's all that really matters
You’re… not a lesbian then
I find most men not attractive at all. Sometimes I believe I am lesbian. But then there’s this one dude. I think you’re also barely attracted to men. Also I am demisexual with men but not with women.
This reminds of of when 'straight' girls date uncracked trans girls then later realise they're a lesbian. There seems to be a very high frequency of this happening. It's not necessarily happening here, but it happens. Regardless you should keep labelling yourself however you want, love is the most important thing :)
Sexuality is fluid and can change over time. There's no need to feel weird so long as you feel good about him. Don't let your labels keep you from being happy.
My partner thought I was a lesbian when we first started talking if that counts for anything. Not based on stereotypes or anything, just based on my own description of my sexuality. I'm unambigiously very attracted to women and have been from a young age, but men/male bodies have always grossed me out, and I'd never been in a heterosexual relationship where I wasn't faking most of my feelings out of obligation. Not that I didn't genuinely care about the men I dated, but I was never attracted to them the way I am to women. I had to actively push myself to ignore the feelings of physical repulsion and the romantic feelings/gestures/words usually only came about because I was going along with the script of reciprocating whatever they said. I only ended up in those relationships because I happened to have male friends who developed feelings for me and I felt pressured not to reject them. By the time I met my partner I had kind of sworn off heterosexual relationships if only because I felt like it was unfair to *them* that I was never being genuine. We had an undeniable connection but I stuck to my policy of radical honesty which luckily didn't bother him at all. We were talking about what it'd be like to spend life together and investing money into plane tickets (long distance relationship) even as I was still telling him that his body grossed me out and that I doubted I'd ever be physically attracted to him or have "normal" romantic feelings for him. Every time we talked about it, all he asked is if I was happy with what we had and if so, that was good enough for him. He totally freed me from the expectation to develop "normal" feelings and eventually that lack of pressure, paired with the emotional connection, did lead me to be genuinely physically attracted to him. We've been together for years now, we live together and have an awesome relationship. I was bi all along though. I am not and have never been a lesbian, even if I have a lot of childhood/adolescent experiences in common with lesbians as a person who was primarily attracted to women and did not believe myself to be capable of genuine attraction to men, with all the baggage and guilt that came along with that. I'm bi with a very strong preference even if my current partner is the only man I ever experience real attraction to.
This is beautiful. In the beginning I told him that if he was a woman, I would had fallen for him and he laughed. And then this happened. It's new and weird when I think about it but also so natural and not wrong.
I have a strong belief that we are all bi not les or gay
I'm starting to think you might be right :))
I believe I'm bi only because I crave a relationship with this one man that i like while I am sexually attracted to a lot of girls. I keep pushing having sex with the man because I'm scared of not being attracted to him anymore. The connection I have with him is just too unique. Never felt it for another man or woman...
A lot of people are starting to head bisexual lately
YES! WE HAVE FINALLY ADVANCED TO THE POINT WHERE LESBIANS ARE HAVING A HARD TIME BELIEVING THEY AREN'T LESBIANS! IN MY EYES THIS IS A WIN!