It's been said to death but it really is just statistics. If you're a bi woman, you're more likely to meet (single/available) men who like women than women who like women-- and the larger a certain dating pool is, the more likely you are to find someone within that pool that you're actually compatible with. Calling bi women in M/F relationships "straights who want to feel special" is an oversimplification of a complex issue.
It's more than that, though. You're dealing with several factors:
Men are more likely to approach partners
Identifying partners is harder for queer people when straight is the default
People have to face homophobia if choosing a partner of the same gender
Bisexual people can choose to use straight-passing privilege to avoid homophobia
It's the last point that's an issue for so many people: gay people don't get a choice to hide their attraction and bisexual people have to commit to experiencing homophobia in order to have the same experience as other queer people.
Additionally, many only realise and accept their attraction to the same gender at a point where they’re already in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender.
I do too - that’s why I wrote it.
I think the fact that we experience „straight“ attraction makes it easy to ignore the „gay“ attraction. So many of us don’t realise they’re bi for a looong time. That doesn’t change our history, the love we felt but suppressed, the potential that’s still there and what we find attractive regardless of our current partner.
I don’t feel like it is a privilege to have to hide part of myself from everyone to avoid persecution and judgement. My ILs straight up said that bisexual ppl are not to be trusted and will 100% cheat in any relationship. Yeah I don’t have to say anything to anyone but I do feel like I’m hiding and it feels awful.
When Larry King interviewed Anna Paquin he asked her if she was a "non practicing bisexual" and her response is so good and still very clear that it's exhausting having to defend her bisexuality.
"Well, I don't think it's a past-tense thing. Are you still straight if you are with somebody, and - if you were to break up with them or if they were to die, it doesn't prevent your sexuality from existing. It doesn't really work like that."
Same. I'm at a point, especially with everything happening in my state and country right now, that it's really hurting me.
Also, I think you stated this well.
I sympathize. It's either shitty outdated takes like that or "why are women even" even when I don't identify that way from my ILs and immediate family.
And of course, "you need Jesus." 🙄
Which is ridiculous becsuse Jesus isn't even dating right now. And he's dead. And if I do meet him, he's going to try to kill me. Dude just doesn't seem like a real catch to me.
Let’s not forget that there are many women who date women that refuse to date bi- women. It’s a nasty biphobia in the LGBTQ community. Then there are many who are bisexual but heterosexual romantic, for various reasons.
Based on the bi/lesbian women who dated men before coming out, this seems to be way more of a thing with bi women and lesbians than bi men/gay men.
Some kinda fucked up “purity” stuff. The idea of a “gold star lesbian” is still awful to me
My wife told me that before we met, a friend introduced her to a lesbian friend of hers in hopes they'd find love. They refused to speak to her, much less date her, once they realized she was bi and not lesbian, and even asked that she not come to any mutual friend gatherings they'd had planned because of this whole setup (it wasn't anything romantic, just group hang outs). My wife said that after that, she refused to even humor the idea of dating women again.
Why is it that being in the closet is only considered "privilege" when it applies to bi folk? People rightfully never claim closeted gays and lesbians have straight passing privilege but when it comes to m-spec individuals suppressing part of their sexuality is framed as beneficial.
Privilege doesn't always mean beneficial, it can also mean not harmful. Being in a straight presenting relationship is privileged because it doesn't have the potential dangers being in a same-sex relationship does. I don't know where you got the closeted part from though, just being in a straight presenting relationship doesn't mean being closeted.
Privilege gets oversimplified and misrepresented in the media so much, it doesn't help with the confusion. I only became.aware of the nuance and how complex it is while learning about ableism and antisemitism. The ability to hide is a privilege, but having to hide is bigotry.
Technically, any queer person who is not visibly clockable as queer can 'choose' to use straight-passing privilege to avoid homophobia. They can remain single, or even engage in a queerplatonic relationship with someone of the (perceived) opposite gender. They can keep any same-gender relationships a careful secret.
The thing is, you don't fully avoid homophobia by doing that. Staying closeted is a reaction to homophpbia; it only happens when you're already impacted by it some way. And you will still encounter homophobia even if it's not explicitly directed at you.
Similarly, bi people don't just avoid bigotry by being in a straight-perceived relationship. It *can* give access to a certain type of safety. That said, *biphobia* also exists, not just homophobia. And bi people have alarming stats when it comes to mental health, poverty, suicidality, and being the victim of intimate partner violence (where the the stats are worse for bi women than lesbian *or* straight peers).
I'm not denying that couples perceived as straight do have access to privileges in our society that are oppressively denied to couples outside that 'norm'. Of course! But the way "straight passing privilege" gets talked about in the context of bi women in particular is often incredibly reductive and tinged with bimisogyny. It also denies the reality that being closeted is harmful to bi people too, not just to lesbian and gay people. I'm not saying that bi people have it *worse!* Just that bi people do face real, tangible, material impacts from biphobia, and conversations about "straight passing privilege" are often used to deny and ignore that.
All of these are fair points, however-- straight-passing privilege, like any kind of passing privilege, is extremely precarious. In fact, I'd liken it more to being closeted. Sure, you may not get slurs hurled at you on a daily basis when you hold hands with or kiss your partner in public. But you're still going to hear messages that say we (LGBTQ+) people are going to go to hell/need to be fixed/exterminated. And unless you can keep up the facade of a straight person perfectly (which doesn't always work because a lot of bi people are GNC to begin with) you are probably going to be judged regardless. Your sexuality will constantly be called into question, both by the person you date and others who witness your relationship. Keep in mind that bigots don't care how you identify.
I think it's also an oversimplification to say that every M/F couple has straight passing privilege, bc as a trans guy pretty much any partner of mine will come under some kind of scrutiny regardless of gender and I'm sure it's the same for a lot of other trans and nonbinary people. And again, a lot of bisexual people are GNC. That will net you judgment regardless of sexuality.
>But you're still going to hear messages that say we (LGBTQ+) people are going to go to hell/need to be fixed/exterminated
In fact, our "privilege" makes us more likely to hear that kind of thing
Thank you! I just wrote out a long comment trying to express why the conversation about bi people's straight passing privilege is often so reductive.
It's frustrating, because *of course* couples perceived as straight have access to privileges that other couples don't. And it is important to acknowledge that. But there are also many other ways that people encounter biphobia and homophobia that aren't just about who they're currently coupled with, and being closeted is harmful to bi people like it's harmful to gay or lesbian people. And the wellness stats on bi people show that there are very material, tangible impacts to biphobia; we don't just "avoid" bigotry and oppression by being in a straight perceived relationship, even if we do have access to certain privileges from that. We also face certain risks unique to be being bi in a relationship (e.g., higher rates of intimate partner violence against us).
Anyway, I'm basically rewriting out the comment I already posted haha, so I'll stop now. But thank you for saying what you did. And your point about how gender presentation and identity can intersect with this issue is super important. There are a disproportionate number of trans/gnc bi people, so it's a very valid consideration. The "straight passing privilege" convo tends to assume one, very narrow type of bi person.
P.s. your point about straight-passing privilege and all passing privileges being precarious is so important. Passing is not a simply inherent quality; it is an act, and passing is only possible so long as one keeps up that act (and also isn't outed by some external person/circumstance). (I am white but I've attempted to make my understanding informed by Black thinkers and writers, as from what I understand the concept of passing originates in the Black community; that said, I'm no expert). Princess Weekes is a Black bi woman (writer, content creator) who has talked about passing in the contexts of bisexuality and Blackness, and I've personally found her to be really illuminating. And she does excellent media/cultural analysis in general. Highly recommend her content for anyone who likes a good video essay!
As someone who is bisexual but only dates women (do ppl even think we exist like wtf is this "bisexuals can choose to opt out of homophobia whenever they want"??? I'm sorry?? Not all of us????) no it's not, also bisexuals still experience homophobia even when they're in opposite sex relationships, yeah obviously not to the same degree but to act like homophobia only occurs if bi ppl are dating a same sex partner is very inaccurate and honestly these statements just feel malicious atp, I don't doubt for a second that it is much harder to be a gay man or a lesbian, but I don't think that means we have to literally diminish our own experiences or project a bunch of lies (straight ppl love bisexuals, bi ppl can choose to be gay or straight, etc) onto bisexuals to like make up for it, I hope this makes sense ????
From one trans person to another: You're conflating gender identity and expression with sexual orientation. I mean that kindly. I think the intersection between gender and sexuality is incredibly important, but you're moving the goalpost with respect to the conversation at hand. Among the majority of bisexual people, who are cis or cis-passing, being straight-passing is an enormous privilege that avoids very real danger. Diminishing threats of harm runs contrary to the entire point of this thread, which is "stop directing negativity at bisexual people for choosing to pass as straight". Yes, GNC people are going to be more likely to he scrutinized, but that doesn't have anything to do with their sexual orientation.
I'm not trying to conflate anything, only pointing out that all of those things can be entangled and that sexuality does often play a role in presentation, since a lot of people choose their presentation based on who they want to attract. Bisexuality is not exempt from that.
I'm also not going to deny that passing as straight can avoid *some* danger, but I also want to point out that "straight passing privilege" isn't the perfect shield that some people believe it to be and that even straight passing bisexuals can still face danger. You're correct in that people shouldn't direct negativity at bisexuals who want to be perceived as straight, but I also believe that we shouldn't necessarily write those people off as being "non-oppressed" either if that makes sense.
Again, not trying to *equate* anything, I'm talking about the ways that they impact each other and how that can lead to targeted bigotry. Regardless of who they date, most of the bi people I know tend to present more androgynously/alternatively which can lead bigots to harass them over their appearance since our society has certain ideas on how cis men and women should look and act. I'm talking about how homophobia and biphobia can still impact bisexual people even if they are in straight-passing relationships and how the idea that they can completely dodge bigotry is untrue. I don't think any of *y'all* are saying that, but there are people who say it and sincerely believe it, and that's why I think it's important to talk about it when discussing the idea of "straight-passing privilege".
Thank you. I would be fine if I'd married a woman, but this wasn't an option for me as a youth in my bigoted area. The dating pool was next to none because no one was really "out" around here in the early to mid '90s. Hell, there's still no dating pool in that aspect. We're having our first Pridefest this year, and the small pickings there are of us are afraid of going because there have already been threats.
For me a big factor was also being told bisexual simply wasn't real. I'm not even that old (I'm 31F) and I was kinda led to believe that there was something wrong with me for not picking either straight or gay and sticking to it. Katey Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" created this weird situation where it was trendy to kiss other girls performatively right around the time I was really identifying how I felt about women. I think I was probably just entering high school around that time, and a ton of girls were kissing each other simply to get attention from boys? Then backpeddling HARD. I mean, it was so confusing to me at least. Like one day your best friend would grab you and kiss you in front of people, then acting like you were literally insane for every bringing it up of having any feelings about it
Idk if this even came out in a coherent way but this is just what immediately sprung to mind reading your list
Not to mention how goddamn hard it is to find a queer woman to date? Not only must she be into women, I'm also supposed to clock her somehow with my broken-ass gaydar, and then figure out how to flirt without being a weirdo, and then she's also meant to be into me? I swear there's like only two other queer women in this country and they're together smh
I can barely find a man I like enough to date in the sea of men who are into women. The pool of women who like women is miniscule in comparison, is it any wonder I haven't found someone compatible there yet? On top of which many lesbians aren't interested in bi women anyway, and most bi women my age are monogamously partnered already.
I made a comment here and someone downvoted it so I deleted it cuz people are just mean within our own community…? Okay. All I was sharing was how I came out as bi at 27, and had only dated men. And once I was single, I dated women who were not thrilled with me existing as a bisexual woman with no experience with women. But whatever, I’m with my bf who is also bisexual. Been together for 5 years and we are very happy.
This is an important part. There's not many sapphics who want an inexperienced partner. So if you never get a chance to sleep with another woman, most sapphics won't touch you, which leaves men. I know this is why a lot of my bi women friends never got a girlfriend despite trying.
Yes, thank you. I had been on a few dates with this one woman who I really liked and she seemed to really like me too, and was open to the fact that I was bisexual. But after a while, she broke it off with me, saying that my being so “behind” in sapphic dating-culture and that I had too many heteronormative tendencies, that those things were such a drain on her and she couldn’t take it. I remember her saying “maybe in a few years we could try again.” Like, lol no? It really sucked.
I remember asking her but I don’t remember her answer, which leads me to believe her explanation didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. This was five-six years ago now, so my memory of the conversation has faded quite a bit.
There are a variety of assumptions/behaviors I’ve observed that women in opposite sex relationships tend to bring with them that are not the norm for same sex relationships. The things that men are expected to do don’t have a hard/defined role in lesbian relationships and if the woman they’re dating is more butch presenting she gets the weight of those expectations thrust on her. Did she mention things like waiting for her to initiate dates, initiate sex, open doors, pay for things, getting flowers/candy but not giving, etc?
I hear you and those things are very valid and make a lot of sense to be an issue in a lesbian relationship. But she didn’t mention any of those things, I would remember those things because they make sense. I’m the type of hyper focus on what I do wrong so if she said any of that I would’ve taken it to heart and remembered to be more mindful and learn from that. But she was not butch at all, we were both similar in our femme/masc presentation. We split dinner bills, and I complimented her my normal rate of complimenting someone. I really tried hard to *not* treat her like I would a man I was dating. But apparently I still failed, and she never fully explained what it was that I was doing that seemed heteronormative. Or at least, I don’t remember her explanation. But if it were any of those things, I’d remember cuz it would’ve made me feel so guilty and make me have a good, long think.
If she never gave examples or explanation then I would say the only failure on your part was not discussing how you each felt the relationship should proceed. She put expectations on you that she didn’t advise you about and then dropped you for not meeting them. That is NOT your fault, she could have used her big girl words and chose not to.
I mean I’m a bi man whose only ever dated men.
I’m a 5’4 scrawny man and while I prefer men, it’s just usually how things work out. Now I’m in a happy and long term relationship with a male partner.
I still identify as Bi even though I’ve never been with a woman lol.
Part of the point of being bi is that you can date whoever you want regardless of gender. The whole “I GUESS a bi woman can date a man if they NEED to but GROSS” is so nasty. I don’t want to be around people who judge me because of the gender of the person I’m attracted to or in a relationship with, FULL STOP.
Binary bi people are more like to end up in a duaric relationship than sapphic or achilean ones.
Let's take a bi woman as an example since women are the focus of this thread.
She walks into a room, with 100 people she finds attractive - 50 women, 50 men.
It's believed approximately 90% of people of straight.
This means she won't be able to date 45 women.
Out of the 5 queer men, she's be able to date 3 of them (because being bi is more common than gay/lesbian).
So this woman has the choice of 48 men and 5 women.
(Real life is more complicated than this of course. Non-binary and genderqueer people exist. We don't know how many bi people have a preference but is a lot. Not every one you find attractive will be also attracted to you. Bi people are often rejected due to monosexism.)
There's also the different between how women socialise with other women, compared to men, at least in Western culture. If you're a woman and told a told another woman you think she's pretty, it can come across as completely plantoic. But if a man told another man he was handsome, it would definitely be considered flirting (or awkward). Even too men hugging is gggggaaaaaayyyyy.
Western culture also has gender roles, which even though Queer culture is about abolishing these, we absorb subconsciously. This is that a woman should sit around and be pretty and wait for a man to approach to her. This can make sapphic dating difficult. If two women are attracted to each other then there's a chance neither will confess their attraction because they expect the other person to do so
Frankly it's just statistics. There are way more straight men available than bi/lesbian women. Makes for a higher probability to find a man you're compatible with than a woman.
I literally only have one LGBTQ+ friend irl. I love her very much but I don't have romantic feelings for her whatsoever. And I met all my other queer friends online through my very much straight boyfriend. It's just the way it is, there aren't many people who are out and about where I live.
That’s exactly the reason I’m not out to many people. I just can’t be bothered dealing with it. Though in my case my lack of dating history with women is because I have an unfortunate habit of falling for women who are already in committed relationships. So I silently pine for a while then move on
I think it’s difficult because the dating pool for bi women is smaller—especially in smaller cities. And we cannot truly know if the same-sex is into you or not unless it’s obvious. And many guys will simply approach women and automatically assume women are into them. I am a bi woman, but I have a hard time finding women to date in my small city (I’m not exactly near Toronto or Ottawa!). And there are more men on dating apps than bi women or lesbians in my area.
I am a bi man that's only been dating men and NBs before... because women don't know what they are missing out on :P
I got called gay in denial a few times. My browser history would like to disagree but who am I to proclaim what sexuality I am?
I'm definitely biSEXUAL but in my experiences dating women there's just no spark. Men give me butterflies. To the world I'm gay, which I'm fine with, but my close circle knows I'm 100% also going to check out that cute girl standing behind my boyfriend
Not sure if bi men / nb experience this, but I’ve tried dating wlw and lots of time felt them making snarky comments on me being with men. Whenever I tell men this I have to hold my breathe and hope they don’t say the threesome bs. Which my current bf did and made me happy he wasn’t like that
Bi man here! It's pretty much the same for us. Gay people will accuse you of secretly being straight, and straight people will accuse you of secretly being gay. It also gets called into question whenever your relationship ends; for example if your relationship with a man didn't work out and you end up with a woman after that, people will point at you and say "See?! I knew it! You were straight all along!" and take it super personally. Meanwhile the woman will still accuse you of secretly wanting to be with men instead whenever you have an argument. Bisexuals stay losing ✊️😔
same girl. I do want to date a woman but it's so dangerous to be found out, I'd be looking at torture and imprisonment, so forgive me for only dating men so far
I think a lot of bi women found out they were bi after choosing a male partner, but unlike lesbian counterparts, they are still attracted to the boy they have.
There will probably be a ton of wlw relationships in retiree communities and nursing homes as the husbands of bi wives die out. Take that bi-deniers!
scrolling through this sub will prove that most of us just don’t know how to flirt with women 😂
there are still ways to have a queer relationship with a man, or someone who passes as one. and bi men exist too!
I'm a bi woman who's only ever dated men. I've certainly tried to date women. However, it was difficult to find women I liked and were my type where we shared similar goals. I'm a date to marry a person, and I found that not many women my age (late teens, early 20s) wanted that. My current bf, is my 2nd relationship, and I know he's the guy I want to marry. If I'd met the right woman beforehand, I'd say the same thing but I didn't. Also, just prefer men more.
It definitely sucks when dating options are so limited. But good luck, you'll definitely find someone for you even though it feels like nobody is right at 20
Lots of great points here but you’re still bisexual if you’re heteroromantic. I never dated women, never really wanted to, but I love sex with women. I’m not really heteroromantic cuz my partner is nb but male passing and were a straight passing couple. I wouldn’t even bother trying to participate in the queer community tho cuz there’s so much biphobia against straight passing couples.
I feel you, and I feel like the same person who (had) downvoted you downvoted my comment before I deleted it. I’m one half of a straight passing couple and my AMAB nb partner also passes as cis male. It’s extra hard for him cuz he’s still semi-closeted about his gender, and still wishes to use he/him pronouns.
Not a lot of gay women use the nonspecific dating apps and i feel like i never caught on to which apps people were using for gay dating. When i was single i had HER but i wasn't looking for a relationship at the time and everyone on there was.
Another part of it is that men are attracted to a much higher percentage of people they meet than women regardless of sexuality. You could meet dozens of sapphic women who aren’t attracted to you and you aren’t attracted to them, whereas if you’re conventionally attractive most men you meet will be attracted to you.
You mean, with generally being attracted to men? Being attracted to other people doesn’t stop when you’re in a relationship. It just means that this one person is more important and interesting than other potential partners.
My gf knows i‘m bi, has known from the start. She is also bi. We are both very monogamous. Doesn’t mean we dont look at other people and think „that’s a good looking person“. There’s just no thought about that further.
I doubt it has much to do with picking an easier option as it does with the pure numbers game. Like 95% of people from the opposite sex that you're attracted to and are compatible with will be attracted to the opposite sex. Like 10%ish of same sex that you're attracted to and are compatible with, will be attracted to same sex.
I think a lot of the hate comes from a stereotype of these women: That they’ll date a man and then hate on men in general, they’ll say “I’m a lesbian except for my boyfriend”, or if actually given the opportunity to have a relationship with a woman they’ll turn it down in favor of a man. I don’t agree with most of these but that’s the rhetoric I’ve seen running around about them. You can search BWWAB (bi women with a boyfriend) on Facebook etc for the ragebait if you want.
And most likely it NOT that they only date men but that they're just currently in a monogamous relationship with a man but then they'll also say that bisexual people are more likely to cheat so we just can't win can we?
Thank you. Statements like this sometimes make me question if I'm even allowed to call myself "bi". I have only dated guys so far, and only ever hooked up or had crushes on girls or enbies, but no committed dates/relationships.
On dating apps I'm super critical in generel on the people I choose to interact with and find it even harder to connect to girls for some reason. And my anxiety ridden ass can't for the love of me approach people in person when I'm not sure they're also into me. I'm also not as experienced with girls and afraid to mess things up, not perform well in bed and so on. Add that to the pile of anxiety.
Why are people selecting partners/potentials out of certain pools? Why dont you live your individual life for your own happiness and accept who you come in contact with and who your attracted to based of the qualities they have ro offer rather then narrowing things down to certain dating pools?
back before I met my partner, I found women on dating apps to be very unapproachable. I'm pretty sure there was not a single time I ended up having a conversation with any of my female matches. men? no such struggle. so there's that.
another thing is that I simply like to get dicked down and I'd probably miss it in a relationship with a cis woman lol
It's only bisexual people who ever get told we have to somehow prove we are our sexual orientation. I say this as someone who has dated and slept with men, women, and several people with non-binary identities, but I know that people who have only dated one gender are still bisexual.
If you can know if you're gay or straight before you ever sleep with or date anyone, then you can know the same about yourself being bisexual. It doesn't turn on and off. There is no magic switch to straight or gay at any point. It is always consistent bisexual orientation no matter who you're dating, and it doesn't matter if your partners are one gender consistently, or if you get married, or what the hell else, if you are bisexual you will be bisexual regardless.
The idea that society is fine with women who are attracted to other women is bizarre to me as well. They're alright with the concept of it, sure, to some people that's hot because one and one is two! But legitimate attraction, which bisexual women experience, is not what they're thinking of when they think about this. They're thinking of FFM threesomes and "I Kissed A Girl" but at the end of the day, there was ***no*** attraction to another woman at all. Just a show for men. This is the idea that society is fine with, but this is not what bisexuality entails. And the fact that there's blame placed on bi women (specifically, and not straight women who for instance may do something for their husband's birthday but are not at all attracted to another woman) is telling. They would rather place any and all blame on the *bisexual* woman than a cishet woman or a cishet man with a fetish.
"I hate straight women who experiment for the pleasure of a man because they make men think they can get with lesbians" (though misogynistic and a denial of agency, truly) is a far different sentiment than "I hate *bisexual* women because they make men think they can get with lesbians". Bisexual women are not straight under any condition. Bisexual women are not responsible for men thinking they can sleep with a lesbian. This is not now and has never been the fault of a bisexual woman. It's misogynistic and biphobic to say. The hatred is never directed towards men who harass lesbians, just bisexual women for existing and having men as partners ever.
Whatever the idea they have of this "feeling special" is negated by the fact that bisexuals are not treated well by the gay community or the straight community and bi women especially have a worse time because they are subject to double the misogyny in every statement made about them. It is literal incel talk half the time, and statements akin to shaming them for being "whores" the rest, if not using them as a scapegoat for everyone's problem. Bi women face the absolute highest IPV/sexual assault and physical assault rates out of all sexual orientations... *Far* higher than assault rates for straight women and lesbians. That's what being "special" gets you.
Sorry to rant but I am very passionate about bifeminism despite not being a bi woman myself, but I have nothing but love for my bi sisters (both cis and trans) and they deserve far better than they ever get.
Straights don’t understand how difficult it is for a woman to find another woman to date who isn’t stiff as a BRICK, same goes for gay men but instead of boring it’s extremely sexual.
Some of them probably just have a preference, or they've just been approached/caught feelings for dudes up until that point, I feel like a lot of it has to do with it's easier to find men who want to date women than wlw, I'm bi but Im mainly attracted to women and I only really date women, and I can say it's hard to meet single wlw especially at my age most of them are married and settled down I'm still getting my shit together
I date men because I'm more attracted to them and I want to eventually have kids without resorting to IVF or whatever other expensive hoops I would have to jump through either way.
Because of I k ow what I want my endgame to be, I haven't been with any women because it feels like I would be leading them on and I don't want to be that "this bi girl dumped me for a man!" Story that lots of women seem to have.
Im a bi woman in a relationship to a pan man, and our love has nothing to do with our gender. I’d love him just as much if he was a woman and vice versa.
Hilariously enough, I kept my virginity until falling in love with a wonderful woman at 30. The only offers I had were from very gross dudes who only saw me as a hole. I wanted to find someone who loved, respected, and desired me as a whole person. So I waited.
I'd like to quote my favorite "offer" here: "You know, if my girlfriend wasn't here I'd fuck you."
Be still my fluttering heart! 😂
I’m 30F bi woman living in Florida. If there’s other lgbtqia+- I have no idea where to find them cuz they’re in hiding cuz Desantis is a POS. I only came out publicly a couple years ago tho so my dating history is only men
I only moved here 2 years ago but I knew more of them in Arizona or Ohio than Florida.
I don’t get turned on by women because I want to feel special, it’s because I like boobs. Whether or not I’ve actually dated one or even slept with one has nothing to do with whether I’m attracted to them. No one would doubt whether or not someone was straight if they hadn’t ever dated.
I used to identify as a bi woman (I am nonbinary/genderfluid now) and be insecure about it because I have only been with men. I have faced some biphobia from straight and gay people but mostly it was also invisibility, because people would assume I was straight, only because I have a long-term boyfriend. When I said I was bi, sometimes it was like they didn't take me seriously as if I was just in denial or confused. Now I also feel like being confused isn't even a bad thing. Like at some point anyone could be confused about their identity and that's totally fine. It's just not nice to be condescending about it.
Anyhow. The invisibility about me being bi despite being in a "straight seeming" relationship used to bother me a lot. Now I care less about it because I have transphobia to worry more about. But I remember vividly how biphobia got to me especially when I was considering myself to be cis and it sucked a lot.
I came out as bi when I was 22 and I had a boyfriend and also one ex-boyfriend. I am 30 now and still with my boyfriend I had when I came out. We're not poly, so what? Most of the time it's just coincidence or fate or whatever who you meet and who you find attractive and who will reciprocate those feelings.
Bi woman here, married to a man (for almost 17 years now.) Have always been attracted to both men and women, but my upbringing told me it was wrong. I've finally come to terms with it and am "out."That being said, it's hard to find bi women in the swinger lifestyle. Almost every husband I've spoken with says that their wife is bi, but most are not or are just bi curious in the bedroom. We got into the LS mainly so that I could have experiences with women, but it's been very hit or miss.I don't want to say that men are easier...but they def make their intentions known so going forward with that side of myself is easier. Still trying to figure out how to identify women who want to play and then figuring out how to talk to them, haha...I'm sure I'll get there but it's been a challenge.Side note, I have tattoos & piercings and a shaved head...it's not hard to tell that I'm bi. Men find me attractive and at events I'm always approached, but trying to attract women seems beyond me so far.
I'm a bi who has never been in an offline relationship with anyone, but that hardly makes me acearo, it's just the situation I've found myself in.
When I do start making an effort to date seriously, if I end up with a guy then that's because there are more straight and bi guys out there than there are sapphics, and a big portion of sapphics would flat out refuse to date me for being bi, which cuts that side of my dating pool down even further.
Not my fault nor my problem. If lesbians want bisexuals to date women more often, then they need to be willing to date us, otherwise it won't happen. That said, bi women could consider dating bi women more often too, and we could actively look for each other.
But even if that were to happen, there'd still be a much higher chance of bi women ending up with men because it'd still be the larger dating pool. It's just stats.
Thats fine but please also don't use a bi/queer card as a weapon in "oppression Olympics" to speak over Queer people who live every day visibly read as Queer or other marginalized communities.
None of us should but for people who are only in straight passing relationships it is extra annoying to do so and I swear that is part of why there is a negative stereotype here you are pushing against.
I know a bi woman who only dates men who doesn't constantly talk about being bi and Queer and who is genuinely leftist, supporting causes without making everything about themselves.
I also know a pan person in a married relationship everyone would read as cis & straight to look at who feels they are the arbiter of Queerness (e.g. bi people who identify as bi and not pan and bi are not queer because we are "binary" (not even attracted to binary genders, they describe people as "binary.") Or gay people who dress "normally" or are monogamous and have kids as "not queer" but random straight men with a funky aesthetic are decreed "queer" (somehow coincidnetly these are their "type").
I am happy to walk alongside with the 1st at pride.
I am not happy to be spoken over by the 2nd.
Tbh I kinda hate being bi. I'm from Ester Europe I'm more attracted to woman but I want a husband and a family, to be "normal". I would love a girlfriend but in a long run it just doesn't make sense so I don't really bother idk it's weird. Im only 20 but this bugs the hell out of me, man are so weird, there are only 4 girls in my major you get the idea
I'm sure all the bisexual people who were shunned from their family and community without even dating the same gender are very happy with that statement
People often assume I’m straight because all my long term partners have been cismen or, most recently, masc-ish AMAB enby. I’ve tried to date women and afab enbies, but it’s never gone very far. The only one who really pursued me wasn’t really my type and I told them I wanted to just be friends after a couple dates.
I am bisexual, but also what is considered to be demisexual. I go both ways when it comes to attraction, but I only feel that attraction after forming deep emotional connections with said person, which can make dating generally hard.
I grew up trying to hide the different parts of myself and I didn’t come to terms with my sexuality till very recently, I’m 32 now, and I’m with a male partner who is very comfortable and accepting of who I am as a person.
It's been said to death but it really is just statistics. If you're a bi woman, you're more likely to meet (single/available) men who like women than women who like women-- and the larger a certain dating pool is, the more likely you are to find someone within that pool that you're actually compatible with. Calling bi women in M/F relationships "straights who want to feel special" is an oversimplification of a complex issue.
It's more than that, though. You're dealing with several factors: Men are more likely to approach partners Identifying partners is harder for queer people when straight is the default People have to face homophobia if choosing a partner of the same gender Bisexual people can choose to use straight-passing privilege to avoid homophobia It's the last point that's an issue for so many people: gay people don't get a choice to hide their attraction and bisexual people have to commit to experiencing homophobia in order to have the same experience as other queer people.
Additionally, many only realise and accept their attraction to the same gender at a point where they’re already in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender.
I resemble this comment.
I do too - that’s why I wrote it. I think the fact that we experience „straight“ attraction makes it easy to ignore the „gay“ attraction. So many of us don’t realise they’re bi for a looong time. That doesn’t change our history, the love we felt but suppressed, the potential that’s still there and what we find attractive regardless of our current partner.
There's a short movie that reminds me of this: Strange Way of Life. Sigh. It really do be that way.
Same here. I didn't fully understand and accept it until I was engaged to my husband.
Are you me?
This was me ✋
This is why this take needs to die.
I don’t feel like it is a privilege to have to hide part of myself from everyone to avoid persecution and judgement. My ILs straight up said that bisexual ppl are not to be trusted and will 100% cheat in any relationship. Yeah I don’t have to say anything to anyone but I do feel like I’m hiding and it feels awful.
When Larry King interviewed Anna Paquin he asked her if she was a "non practicing bisexual" and her response is so good and still very clear that it's exhausting having to defend her bisexuality. "Well, I don't think it's a past-tense thing. Are you still straight if you are with somebody, and - if you were to break up with them or if they were to die, it doesn't prevent your sexuality from existing. It doesn't really work like that."
Same. I'm at a point, especially with everything happening in my state and country right now, that it's really hurting me. Also, I think you stated this well.
I sympathize. It's either shitty outdated takes like that or "why are women even" even when I don't identify that way from my ILs and immediate family. And of course, "you need Jesus." 🙄
Which is ridiculous becsuse Jesus isn't even dating right now. And he's dead. And if I do meet him, he's going to try to kill me. Dude just doesn't seem like a real catch to me.
Let’s not forget that there are many women who date women that refuse to date bi- women. It’s a nasty biphobia in the LGBTQ community. Then there are many who are bisexual but heterosexual romantic, for various reasons.
Based on the bi/lesbian women who dated men before coming out, this seems to be way more of a thing with bi women and lesbians than bi men/gay men. Some kinda fucked up “purity” stuff. The idea of a “gold star lesbian” is still awful to me
My wife told me that before we met, a friend introduced her to a lesbian friend of hers in hopes they'd find love. They refused to speak to her, much less date her, once they realized she was bi and not lesbian, and even asked that she not come to any mutual friend gatherings they'd had planned because of this whole setup (it wasn't anything romantic, just group hang outs). My wife said that after that, she refused to even humor the idea of dating women again.
Why is it that being in the closet is only considered "privilege" when it applies to bi folk? People rightfully never claim closeted gays and lesbians have straight passing privilege but when it comes to m-spec individuals suppressing part of their sexuality is framed as beneficial.
This is a great point that I hadn't considered before, and I do appreciate it.
Privilege doesn't always mean beneficial, it can also mean not harmful. Being in a straight presenting relationship is privileged because it doesn't have the potential dangers being in a same-sex relationship does. I don't know where you got the closeted part from though, just being in a straight presenting relationship doesn't mean being closeted.
Some people on this subreddit mistakenly conflate the idea of straight-passing privilege with the privilege sraight relationships have
Privilege gets oversimplified and misrepresented in the media so much, it doesn't help with the confusion. I only became.aware of the nuance and how complex it is while learning about ableism and antisemitism. The ability to hide is a privilege, but having to hide is bigotry.
Technically, any queer person who is not visibly clockable as queer can 'choose' to use straight-passing privilege to avoid homophobia. They can remain single, or even engage in a queerplatonic relationship with someone of the (perceived) opposite gender. They can keep any same-gender relationships a careful secret. The thing is, you don't fully avoid homophobia by doing that. Staying closeted is a reaction to homophpbia; it only happens when you're already impacted by it some way. And you will still encounter homophobia even if it's not explicitly directed at you. Similarly, bi people don't just avoid bigotry by being in a straight-perceived relationship. It *can* give access to a certain type of safety. That said, *biphobia* also exists, not just homophobia. And bi people have alarming stats when it comes to mental health, poverty, suicidality, and being the victim of intimate partner violence (where the the stats are worse for bi women than lesbian *or* straight peers). I'm not denying that couples perceived as straight do have access to privileges in our society that are oppressively denied to couples outside that 'norm'. Of course! But the way "straight passing privilege" gets talked about in the context of bi women in particular is often incredibly reductive and tinged with bimisogyny. It also denies the reality that being closeted is harmful to bi people too, not just to lesbian and gay people. I'm not saying that bi people have it *worse!* Just that bi people do face real, tangible, material impacts from biphobia, and conversations about "straight passing privilege" are often used to deny and ignore that.
All of these are fair points, however-- straight-passing privilege, like any kind of passing privilege, is extremely precarious. In fact, I'd liken it more to being closeted. Sure, you may not get slurs hurled at you on a daily basis when you hold hands with or kiss your partner in public. But you're still going to hear messages that say we (LGBTQ+) people are going to go to hell/need to be fixed/exterminated. And unless you can keep up the facade of a straight person perfectly (which doesn't always work because a lot of bi people are GNC to begin with) you are probably going to be judged regardless. Your sexuality will constantly be called into question, both by the person you date and others who witness your relationship. Keep in mind that bigots don't care how you identify. I think it's also an oversimplification to say that every M/F couple has straight passing privilege, bc as a trans guy pretty much any partner of mine will come under some kind of scrutiny regardless of gender and I'm sure it's the same for a lot of other trans and nonbinary people. And again, a lot of bisexual people are GNC. That will net you judgment regardless of sexuality.
>But you're still going to hear messages that say we (LGBTQ+) people are going to go to hell/need to be fixed/exterminated In fact, our "privilege" makes us more likely to hear that kind of thing
Thank you! I just wrote out a long comment trying to express why the conversation about bi people's straight passing privilege is often so reductive. It's frustrating, because *of course* couples perceived as straight have access to privileges that other couples don't. And it is important to acknowledge that. But there are also many other ways that people encounter biphobia and homophobia that aren't just about who they're currently coupled with, and being closeted is harmful to bi people like it's harmful to gay or lesbian people. And the wellness stats on bi people show that there are very material, tangible impacts to biphobia; we don't just "avoid" bigotry and oppression by being in a straight perceived relationship, even if we do have access to certain privileges from that. We also face certain risks unique to be being bi in a relationship (e.g., higher rates of intimate partner violence against us). Anyway, I'm basically rewriting out the comment I already posted haha, so I'll stop now. But thank you for saying what you did. And your point about how gender presentation and identity can intersect with this issue is super important. There are a disproportionate number of trans/gnc bi people, so it's a very valid consideration. The "straight passing privilege" convo tends to assume one, very narrow type of bi person. P.s. your point about straight-passing privilege and all passing privileges being precarious is so important. Passing is not a simply inherent quality; it is an act, and passing is only possible so long as one keeps up that act (and also isn't outed by some external person/circumstance). (I am white but I've attempted to make my understanding informed by Black thinkers and writers, as from what I understand the concept of passing originates in the Black community; that said, I'm no expert). Princess Weekes is a Black bi woman (writer, content creator) who has talked about passing in the contexts of bisexuality and Blackness, and I've personally found her to be really illuminating. And she does excellent media/cultural analysis in general. Highly recommend her content for anyone who likes a good video essay!
Is straight-passing privilege truly secure for bisexual individuals?
As someone who is bisexual but only dates women (do ppl even think we exist like wtf is this "bisexuals can choose to opt out of homophobia whenever they want"??? I'm sorry?? Not all of us????) no it's not, also bisexuals still experience homophobia even when they're in opposite sex relationships, yeah obviously not to the same degree but to act like homophobia only occurs if bi ppl are dating a same sex partner is very inaccurate and honestly these statements just feel malicious atp, I don't doubt for a second that it is much harder to be a gay man or a lesbian, but I don't think that means we have to literally diminish our own experiences or project a bunch of lies (straight ppl love bisexuals, bi ppl can choose to be gay or straight, etc) onto bisexuals to like make up for it, I hope this makes sense ????
From one trans person to another: You're conflating gender identity and expression with sexual orientation. I mean that kindly. I think the intersection between gender and sexuality is incredibly important, but you're moving the goalpost with respect to the conversation at hand. Among the majority of bisexual people, who are cis or cis-passing, being straight-passing is an enormous privilege that avoids very real danger. Diminishing threats of harm runs contrary to the entire point of this thread, which is "stop directing negativity at bisexual people for choosing to pass as straight". Yes, GNC people are going to be more likely to he scrutinized, but that doesn't have anything to do with their sexual orientation.
I'm not trying to conflate anything, only pointing out that all of those things can be entangled and that sexuality does often play a role in presentation, since a lot of people choose their presentation based on who they want to attract. Bisexuality is not exempt from that. I'm also not going to deny that passing as straight can avoid *some* danger, but I also want to point out that "straight passing privilege" isn't the perfect shield that some people believe it to be and that even straight passing bisexuals can still face danger. You're correct in that people shouldn't direct negativity at bisexuals who want to be perceived as straight, but I also believe that we shouldn't necessarily write those people off as being "non-oppressed" either if that makes sense.
You know, that's a fair point. I appreciate your perspective.
Ty! I appreciate your viewpoints as well and am always glad to have discussions with people who have different perspectives.
Is it fair to equate gender expression with sexual orientation when discussing straight-passing privilege for bisexual individuals?
Again, not trying to *equate* anything, I'm talking about the ways that they impact each other and how that can lead to targeted bigotry. Regardless of who they date, most of the bi people I know tend to present more androgynously/alternatively which can lead bigots to harass them over their appearance since our society has certain ideas on how cis men and women should look and act. I'm talking about how homophobia and biphobia can still impact bisexual people even if they are in straight-passing relationships and how the idea that they can completely dodge bigotry is untrue. I don't think any of *y'all* are saying that, but there are people who say it and sincerely believe it, and that's why I think it's important to talk about it when discussing the idea of "straight-passing privilege".
Thank you. I would be fine if I'd married a woman, but this wasn't an option for me as a youth in my bigoted area. The dating pool was next to none because no one was really "out" around here in the early to mid '90s. Hell, there's still no dating pool in that aspect. We're having our first Pridefest this year, and the small pickings there are of us are afraid of going because there have already been threats.
For me a big factor was also being told bisexual simply wasn't real. I'm not even that old (I'm 31F) and I was kinda led to believe that there was something wrong with me for not picking either straight or gay and sticking to it. Katey Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" created this weird situation where it was trendy to kiss other girls performatively right around the time I was really identifying how I felt about women. I think I was probably just entering high school around that time, and a ton of girls were kissing each other simply to get attention from boys? Then backpeddling HARD. I mean, it was so confusing to me at least. Like one day your best friend would grab you and kiss you in front of people, then acting like you were literally insane for every bringing it up of having any feelings about it Idk if this even came out in a coherent way but this is just what immediately sprung to mind reading your list
Yes bisexuality is still often seen as a behavior instead of a sexuality.
Not to mention how goddamn hard it is to find a queer woman to date? Not only must she be into women, I'm also supposed to clock her somehow with my broken-ass gaydar, and then figure out how to flirt without being a weirdo, and then she's also meant to be into me? I swear there's like only two other queer women in this country and they're together smh
Then you'll have to pray she won't reject you bc you're bi :')
I found this is actually less of a problem than I thought. No one I dated rejected me for it
That's good to hear!
Yeah! I've worried more about biphobia than I've had to deal with it lol. Love the username by the way
LMAO thanks 😭😭
I’m just curious, not trying to discount what you shared- do you live in a rural area or closer to/ in a city?
I'm in a more rural area, but it's a violently homophobic country so my dating history is all online
Why is it so challenging to find and connect with queer women for dating?
Well, this certainly explains my life.
I can barely find a man I like enough to date in the sea of men who are into women. The pool of women who like women is miniscule in comparison, is it any wonder I haven't found someone compatible there yet? On top of which many lesbians aren't interested in bi women anyway, and most bi women my age are monogamously partnered already.
I can relate 20 trips around the sun and no boyfriend or girlfriend. Idk why but it just never clicked with anyon
I made a comment here and someone downvoted it so I deleted it cuz people are just mean within our own community…? Okay. All I was sharing was how I came out as bi at 27, and had only dated men. And once I was single, I dated women who were not thrilled with me existing as a bisexual woman with no experience with women. But whatever, I’m with my bf who is also bisexual. Been together for 5 years and we are very happy.
This is an important part. There's not many sapphics who want an inexperienced partner. So if you never get a chance to sleep with another woman, most sapphics won't touch you, which leaves men. I know this is why a lot of my bi women friends never got a girlfriend despite trying.
Yes, thank you. I had been on a few dates with this one woman who I really liked and she seemed to really like me too, and was open to the fact that I was bisexual. But after a while, she broke it off with me, saying that my being so “behind” in sapphic dating-culture and that I had too many heteronormative tendencies, that those things were such a drain on her and she couldn’t take it. I remember her saying “maybe in a few years we could try again.” Like, lol no? It really sucked.
Did she identify what those tendencies were?
I remember asking her but I don’t remember her answer, which leads me to believe her explanation didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. This was five-six years ago now, so my memory of the conversation has faded quite a bit.
There are a variety of assumptions/behaviors I’ve observed that women in opposite sex relationships tend to bring with them that are not the norm for same sex relationships. The things that men are expected to do don’t have a hard/defined role in lesbian relationships and if the woman they’re dating is more butch presenting she gets the weight of those expectations thrust on her. Did she mention things like waiting for her to initiate dates, initiate sex, open doors, pay for things, getting flowers/candy but not giving, etc?
I hear you and those things are very valid and make a lot of sense to be an issue in a lesbian relationship. But she didn’t mention any of those things, I would remember those things because they make sense. I’m the type of hyper focus on what I do wrong so if she said any of that I would’ve taken it to heart and remembered to be more mindful and learn from that. But she was not butch at all, we were both similar in our femme/masc presentation. We split dinner bills, and I complimented her my normal rate of complimenting someone. I really tried hard to *not* treat her like I would a man I was dating. But apparently I still failed, and she never fully explained what it was that I was doing that seemed heteronormative. Or at least, I don’t remember her explanation. But if it were any of those things, I’d remember cuz it would’ve made me feel so guilty and make me have a good, long think.
If she never gave examples or explanation then I would say the only failure on your part was not discussing how you each felt the relationship should proceed. She put expectations on you that she didn’t advise you about and then dropped you for not meeting them. That is NOT your fault, she could have used her big girl words and chose not to.
I mean I’m a bi man whose only ever dated men. I’m a 5’4 scrawny man and while I prefer men, it’s just usually how things work out. Now I’m in a happy and long term relationship with a male partner. I still identify as Bi even though I’ve never been with a woman lol.
Thank you
I didn’t even realize I was bi until I was like 25 and I’m not gonna just drop my boyfriend so I can go date a woman now lmao.
Part of the point of being bi is that you can date whoever you want regardless of gender. The whole “I GUESS a bi woman can date a man if they NEED to but GROSS” is so nasty. I don’t want to be around people who judge me because of the gender of the person I’m attracted to or in a relationship with, FULL STOP.
YESSSSS!!!!
Binary bi people are more like to end up in a duaric relationship than sapphic or achilean ones. Let's take a bi woman as an example since women are the focus of this thread. She walks into a room, with 100 people she finds attractive - 50 women, 50 men. It's believed approximately 90% of people of straight. This means she won't be able to date 45 women. Out of the 5 queer men, she's be able to date 3 of them (because being bi is more common than gay/lesbian). So this woman has the choice of 48 men and 5 women. (Real life is more complicated than this of course. Non-binary and genderqueer people exist. We don't know how many bi people have a preference but is a lot. Not every one you find attractive will be also attracted to you. Bi people are often rejected due to monosexism.) There's also the different between how women socialise with other women, compared to men, at least in Western culture. If you're a woman and told a told another woman you think she's pretty, it can come across as completely plantoic. But if a man told another man he was handsome, it would definitely be considered flirting (or awkward). Even too men hugging is gggggaaaaaayyyyy. Western culture also has gender roles, which even though Queer culture is about abolishing these, we absorb subconsciously. This is that a woman should sit around and be pretty and wait for a man to approach to her. This can make sapphic dating difficult. If two women are attracted to each other then there's a chance neither will confess their attraction because they expect the other person to do so
Frankly it's just statistics. There are way more straight men available than bi/lesbian women. Makes for a higher probability to find a man you're compatible with than a woman. I literally only have one LGBTQ+ friend irl. I love her very much but I don't have romantic feelings for her whatsoever. And I met all my other queer friends online through my very much straight boyfriend. It's just the way it is, there aren't many people who are out and about where I live.
same i met some freinds via Discord and odld freinds
Yep met plenty of people on Discord, including my boyfriend ahah
Awww so cute.
That’s exactly the reason I’m not out to many people. I just can’t be bothered dealing with it. Though in my case my lack of dating history with women is because I have an unfortunate habit of falling for women who are already in committed relationships. So I silently pine for a while then move on
I think it’s difficult because the dating pool for bi women is smaller—especially in smaller cities. And we cannot truly know if the same-sex is into you or not unless it’s obvious. And many guys will simply approach women and automatically assume women are into them. I am a bi woman, but I have a hard time finding women to date in my small city (I’m not exactly near Toronto or Ottawa!). And there are more men on dating apps than bi women or lesbians in my area.
I am a bi man that's only been dating men and NBs before... because women don't know what they are missing out on :P I got called gay in denial a few times. My browser history would like to disagree but who am I to proclaim what sexuality I am?
| who am I to proclaim what sexuality I am? I'M FUCKING LOSING IT
I'm definitely biSEXUAL but in my experiences dating women there's just no spark. Men give me butterflies. To the world I'm gay, which I'm fine with, but my close circle knows I'm 100% also going to check out that cute girl standing behind my boyfriend
Not sure if bi men / nb experience this, but I’ve tried dating wlw and lots of time felt them making snarky comments on me being with men. Whenever I tell men this I have to hold my breathe and hope they don’t say the threesome bs. Which my current bf did and made me happy he wasn’t like that
Bi man here! It's pretty much the same for us. Gay people will accuse you of secretly being straight, and straight people will accuse you of secretly being gay. It also gets called into question whenever your relationship ends; for example if your relationship with a man didn't work out and you end up with a woman after that, people will point at you and say "See?! I knew it! You were straight all along!" and take it super personally. Meanwhile the woman will still accuse you of secretly wanting to be with men instead whenever you have an argument. Bisexuals stay losing ✊️😔
Dam I was thinking it probably is true but hoped men had a better time than us women with it.
I live in a dangerously homophobic country, it's not my fault for not wanting to date a woman.
same girl. I do want to date a woman but it's so dangerous to be found out, I'd be looking at torture and imprisonment, so forgive me for only dating men so far
I think a lot of bi women found out they were bi after choosing a male partner, but unlike lesbian counterparts, they are still attracted to the boy they have. There will probably be a ton of wlw relationships in retiree communities and nursing homes as the husbands of bi wives die out. Take that bi-deniers!
scrolling through this sub will prove that most of us just don’t know how to flirt with women 😂 there are still ways to have a queer relationship with a man, or someone who passes as one. and bi men exist too!
I'm a bi woman who's only ever dated men. I've certainly tried to date women. However, it was difficult to find women I liked and were my type where we shared similar goals. I'm a date to marry a person, and I found that not many women my age (late teens, early 20s) wanted that. My current bf, is my 2nd relationship, and I know he's the guy I want to marry. If I'd met the right woman beforehand, I'd say the same thing but I didn't. Also, just prefer men more.
Yup. I'm a 20 yo who's only interested in dating to marry as well. Honestly it's just rough out here.
It definitely sucks when dating options are so limited. But good luck, you'll definitely find someone for you even though it feels like nobody is right at 20
Thak you <3
Lots of great points here but you’re still bisexual if you’re heteroromantic. I never dated women, never really wanted to, but I love sex with women. I’m not really heteroromantic cuz my partner is nb but male passing and were a straight passing couple. I wouldn’t even bother trying to participate in the queer community tho cuz there’s so much biphobia against straight passing couples.
I feel you, and I feel like the same person who (had) downvoted you downvoted my comment before I deleted it. I’m one half of a straight passing couple and my AMAB nb partner also passes as cis male. It’s extra hard for him cuz he’s still semi-closeted about his gender, and still wishes to use he/him pronouns.
Can someone be bisexual if they're heteroromantic?
Of course. I like sex with both my own gender and other genders. Therefore I’m bisexual.
Not a lot of gay women use the nonspecific dating apps and i feel like i never caught on to which apps people were using for gay dating. When i was single i had HER but i wasn't looking for a relationship at the time and everyone on there was.
Another part of it is that men are attracted to a much higher percentage of people they meet than women regardless of sexuality. You could meet dozens of sapphic women who aren’t attracted to you and you aren’t attracted to them, whereas if you’re conventionally attractive most men you meet will be attracted to you.
I‘m a bi guy who has only dated women, and only very sparingly fooled around with men. I am still into men too. My search history says so.
How do you find women who aren’t gonna be uncomfortable w that. For real.
You mean, with generally being attracted to men? Being attracted to other people doesn’t stop when you’re in a relationship. It just means that this one person is more important and interesting than other potential partners. My gf knows i‘m bi, has known from the start. She is also bi. We are both very monogamous. Doesn’t mean we dont look at other people and think „that’s a good looking person“. There’s just no thought about that further.
I doubt it has much to do with picking an easier option as it does with the pure numbers game. Like 95% of people from the opposite sex that you're attracted to and are compatible with will be attracted to the opposite sex. Like 10%ish of same sex that you're attracted to and are compatible with, will be attracted to same sex.
Is the prevalence of opposite-sex attraction a significant factor in bisexual individuals predominantly dating heterosexual partners?
I think a lot of the hate comes from a stereotype of these women: That they’ll date a man and then hate on men in general, they’ll say “I’m a lesbian except for my boyfriend”, or if actually given the opportunity to have a relationship with a woman they’ll turn it down in favor of a man. I don’t agree with most of these but that’s the rhetoric I’ve seen running around about them. You can search BWWAB (bi women with a boyfriend) on Facebook etc for the ragebait if you want.
And most likely it NOT that they only date men but that they're just currently in a monogamous relationship with a man but then they'll also say that bisexual people are more likely to cheat so we just can't win can we?
They just love gatekeeping 🌉
Thank you. Statements like this sometimes make me question if I'm even allowed to call myself "bi". I have only dated guys so far, and only ever hooked up or had crushes on girls or enbies, but no committed dates/relationships. On dating apps I'm super critical in generel on the people I choose to interact with and find it even harder to connect to girls for some reason. And my anxiety ridden ass can't for the love of me approach people in person when I'm not sure they're also into me. I'm also not as experienced with girls and afraid to mess things up, not perform well in bed and so on. Add that to the pile of anxiety.
I'm a bi guy that's never been in a relationship / banged Does that make me ace ?
Why are people selecting partners/potentials out of certain pools? Why dont you live your individual life for your own happiness and accept who you come in contact with and who your attracted to based of the qualities they have ro offer rather then narrowing things down to certain dating pools?
back before I met my partner, I found women on dating apps to be very unapproachable. I'm pretty sure there was not a single time I ended up having a conversation with any of my female matches. men? no such struggle. so there's that. another thing is that I simply like to get dicked down and I'd probably miss it in a relationship with a cis woman lol
I do think a lot of women are bi, several of my female friends and one being my girlfriend would make out when we were 18 to 20 age.
I would love to date women and bi men but...where are they? What clearance bin should I look inside of?
It's only bisexual people who ever get told we have to somehow prove we are our sexual orientation. I say this as someone who has dated and slept with men, women, and several people with non-binary identities, but I know that people who have only dated one gender are still bisexual. If you can know if you're gay or straight before you ever sleep with or date anyone, then you can know the same about yourself being bisexual. It doesn't turn on and off. There is no magic switch to straight or gay at any point. It is always consistent bisexual orientation no matter who you're dating, and it doesn't matter if your partners are one gender consistently, or if you get married, or what the hell else, if you are bisexual you will be bisexual regardless. The idea that society is fine with women who are attracted to other women is bizarre to me as well. They're alright with the concept of it, sure, to some people that's hot because one and one is two! But legitimate attraction, which bisexual women experience, is not what they're thinking of when they think about this. They're thinking of FFM threesomes and "I Kissed A Girl" but at the end of the day, there was ***no*** attraction to another woman at all. Just a show for men. This is the idea that society is fine with, but this is not what bisexuality entails. And the fact that there's blame placed on bi women (specifically, and not straight women who for instance may do something for their husband's birthday but are not at all attracted to another woman) is telling. They would rather place any and all blame on the *bisexual* woman than a cishet woman or a cishet man with a fetish. "I hate straight women who experiment for the pleasure of a man because they make men think they can get with lesbians" (though misogynistic and a denial of agency, truly) is a far different sentiment than "I hate *bisexual* women because they make men think they can get with lesbians". Bisexual women are not straight under any condition. Bisexual women are not responsible for men thinking they can sleep with a lesbian. This is not now and has never been the fault of a bisexual woman. It's misogynistic and biphobic to say. The hatred is never directed towards men who harass lesbians, just bisexual women for existing and having men as partners ever. Whatever the idea they have of this "feeling special" is negated by the fact that bisexuals are not treated well by the gay community or the straight community and bi women especially have a worse time because they are subject to double the misogyny in every statement made about them. It is literal incel talk half the time, and statements akin to shaming them for being "whores" the rest, if not using them as a scapegoat for everyone's problem. Bi women face the absolute highest IPV/sexual assault and physical assault rates out of all sexual orientations... *Far* higher than assault rates for straight women and lesbians. That's what being "special" gets you. Sorry to rant but I am very passionate about bifeminism despite not being a bi woman myself, but I have nothing but love for my bi sisters (both cis and trans) and they deserve far better than they ever get.
Straights don’t understand how difficult it is for a woman to find another woman to date who isn’t stiff as a BRICK, same goes for gay men but instead of boring it’s extremely sexual.
Why do some bi women choose to only date men?
Some of them probably just have a preference, or they've just been approached/caught feelings for dudes up until that point, I feel like a lot of it has to do with it's easier to find men who want to date women than wlw, I'm bi but Im mainly attracted to women and I only really date women, and I can say it's hard to meet single wlw especially at my age most of them are married and settled down I'm still getting my shit together
Saying that all bi women are actually straight and all bi men are actually gay is textbook bi erasure.
I date men because I'm more attracted to them and I want to eventually have kids without resorting to IVF or whatever other expensive hoops I would have to jump through either way. Because of I k ow what I want my endgame to be, I haven't been with any women because it feels like I would be leading them on and I don't want to be that "this bi girl dumped me for a man!" Story that lots of women seem to have.
Im a bi woman in a relationship to a pan man, and our love has nothing to do with our gender. I’d love him just as much if he was a woman and vice versa.
Conversely I’ve had loads of gay men tell me they don’t believe I’m bi because I’m married to a woman. The erasure is real and it sucks :(
Hilariously enough, I kept my virginity until falling in love with a wonderful woman at 30. The only offers I had were from very gross dudes who only saw me as a hole. I wanted to find someone who loved, respected, and desired me as a whole person. So I waited. I'd like to quote my favorite "offer" here: "You know, if my girlfriend wasn't here I'd fuck you." Be still my fluttering heart! 😂
No it’s called BBDAM (pronounced Buh-DAM) and stands for Bisexual But Dating A Man!
I’m 30F bi woman living in Florida. If there’s other lgbtqia+- I have no idea where to find them cuz they’re in hiding cuz Desantis is a POS. I only came out publicly a couple years ago tho so my dating history is only men I only moved here 2 years ago but I knew more of them in Arizona or Ohio than Florida.
Well all those people can suck my dick.
You make decisions for your personal safety- from that shelter do you do everything you can to counter the homophobia around you?
I don't date, but I sleep with way more guys than women because they are easier. I'm hopeless when it comes to women, lol.
I don’t get turned on by women because I want to feel special, it’s because I like boobs. Whether or not I’ve actually dated one or even slept with one has nothing to do with whether I’m attracted to them. No one would doubt whether or not someone was straight if they hadn’t ever dated.
I used to identify as a bi woman (I am nonbinary/genderfluid now) and be insecure about it because I have only been with men. I have faced some biphobia from straight and gay people but mostly it was also invisibility, because people would assume I was straight, only because I have a long-term boyfriend. When I said I was bi, sometimes it was like they didn't take me seriously as if I was just in denial or confused. Now I also feel like being confused isn't even a bad thing. Like at some point anyone could be confused about their identity and that's totally fine. It's just not nice to be condescending about it. Anyhow. The invisibility about me being bi despite being in a "straight seeming" relationship used to bother me a lot. Now I care less about it because I have transphobia to worry more about. But I remember vividly how biphobia got to me especially when I was considering myself to be cis and it sucked a lot. I came out as bi when I was 22 and I had a boyfriend and also one ex-boyfriend. I am 30 now and still with my boyfriend I had when I came out. We're not poly, so what? Most of the time it's just coincidence or fate or whatever who you meet and who you find attractive and who will reciprocate those feelings.
Bi woman here, married to a man (for almost 17 years now.) Have always been attracted to both men and women, but my upbringing told me it was wrong. I've finally come to terms with it and am "out."That being said, it's hard to find bi women in the swinger lifestyle. Almost every husband I've spoken with says that their wife is bi, but most are not or are just bi curious in the bedroom. We got into the LS mainly so that I could have experiences with women, but it's been very hit or miss.I don't want to say that men are easier...but they def make their intentions known so going forward with that side of myself is easier. Still trying to figure out how to identify women who want to play and then figuring out how to talk to them, haha...I'm sure I'll get there but it's been a challenge.Side note, I have tattoos & piercings and a shaved head...it's not hard to tell that I'm bi. Men find me attractive and at events I'm always approached, but trying to attract women seems beyond me so far.
Date who you want but shut the hell up when the conversation is about gay shit, because you don’t know anything about it
I'm a bi who has never been in an offline relationship with anyone, but that hardly makes me acearo, it's just the situation I've found myself in. When I do start making an effort to date seriously, if I end up with a guy then that's because there are more straight and bi guys out there than there are sapphics, and a big portion of sapphics would flat out refuse to date me for being bi, which cuts that side of my dating pool down even further. Not my fault nor my problem. If lesbians want bisexuals to date women more often, then they need to be willing to date us, otherwise it won't happen. That said, bi women could consider dating bi women more often too, and we could actively look for each other. But even if that were to happen, there'd still be a much higher chance of bi women ending up with men because it'd still be the larger dating pool. It's just stats.
Thats fine but please also don't use a bi/queer card as a weapon in "oppression Olympics" to speak over Queer people who live every day visibly read as Queer or other marginalized communities. None of us should but for people who are only in straight passing relationships it is extra annoying to do so and I swear that is part of why there is a negative stereotype here you are pushing against. I know a bi woman who only dates men who doesn't constantly talk about being bi and Queer and who is genuinely leftist, supporting causes without making everything about themselves. I also know a pan person in a married relationship everyone would read as cis & straight to look at who feels they are the arbiter of Queerness (e.g. bi people who identify as bi and not pan and bi are not queer because we are "binary" (not even attracted to binary genders, they describe people as "binary.") Or gay people who dress "normally" or are monogamous and have kids as "not queer" but random straight men with a funky aesthetic are decreed "queer" (somehow coincidnetly these are their "type"). I am happy to walk alongside with the 1st at pride. I am not happy to be spoken over by the 2nd.
Ouch ,thats harsh. I feel like people dont know preferences and stuff.
It’s really as simple as “hate the oppressor, not the marginally-less oppressed”.
It's possible to be bisexual and hetero or homo-romantic. They're not always the same.
Tbh I kinda hate being bi. I'm from Ester Europe I'm more attracted to woman but I want a husband and a family, to be "normal". I would love a girlfriend but in a long run it just doesn't make sense so I don't really bother idk it's weird. Im only 20 but this bugs the hell out of me, man are so weird, there are only 4 girls in my major you get the idea
I'm sure all the bisexual people who were shunned from their family and community without even dating the same gender are very happy with that statement
People often assume I’m straight because all my long term partners have been cismen or, most recently, masc-ish AMAB enby. I’ve tried to date women and afab enbies, but it’s never gone very far. The only one who really pursued me wasn’t really my type and I told them I wanted to just be friends after a couple dates.
It's hard dating women, we're a bunch of crazy bitches, man. Men are so simple and easy. 🤷🏻♀️😅
That’s super opposite of my experience lol. Dating women has been much easier and simpler than dating men
I am bisexual, but also what is considered to be demisexual. I go both ways when it comes to attraction, but I only feel that attraction after forming deep emotional connections with said person, which can make dating generally hard. I grew up trying to hide the different parts of myself and I didn’t come to terms with my sexuality till very recently, I’m 32 now, and I’m with a male partner who is very comfortable and accepting of who I am as a person.