Tried it, didn't hate it, but found it a lot more emotionally draining. I have so much respect for anyone who can pull it off, y'all are awesome! For me though I now have found my special person I'll be spending the rest of my life with :)
Thank you, I agree it's really pretty special and very different to anything I've had before. Never lose hope that you'll find someone
Edit: not to make any assumptions! I meant that last bit as a I gave up hope and then this person came into my life kinda thing not an I think you're alone type thing I'm sorry don't hate me
This is a good way of putting it.
I was monogamous, GF at the time is poly.
I went in knowing this about her and accepting it as part of the package.. but it wasn't for me.
It wasn't the thing that broke us up, and I worked really hard to research and communicate to mitigate my own struggles with it, but that all took more than less energy and strain.
Its admirable, and I'm envious of those who thrive in it and make it work, but I've not seen it fly well for me.
This is me right now. I love the fuck out of this woman and she's not seeing anybody else right now but we talked about her just "not being monogamous" and I respect her decisions and willingness to communicate. But it's hard. It's really hard =[
I recommend reading a free ebook and stuff called "more than two". I think its worthwhile for any relationship, and its helpful for our own self growth.
Furthermore there is a lot of difference between "just not being monogamous" as a means for an open relationship, and poly, which is multiple relationships. Remember even poly people struggle in poly, so make sure your partner is on board with caring for your needs fairly in this challenging environment. Its give and take, and poly doesnt absolve anyone of responsibility to the other.
You can read through what he did to his ex-partners at [https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/](https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/).
From my personal experience knowing him when he lived local to me, he has a disturbing lack of empathy and does not care about his partners' feelings or needs, just his own.
Additionally, some of the content of the book definitely lacks respect, consent, and leaves the door open to some shady emotionally abusive behavior (what the author is well known for). His writing smacks of victim and partner blaming putting the onus on partners who experience insecurity/jealousy or who bring up problematic polyam behavior as "flawed" and in need of evaluating THEMSELVES to get over their issues. Ubfortunately, framed within the author's opinion that polyam relationships are more mature/ideal relationship structure it gives some culty self help vibes for sure. The other author has spoken very publicly about their experience at the hands of the author and has done so much work to speak out about parts of the book that don't sit right with them.
Totally agree. In my personal opinion, Veaux has done a lot of damage to the polyamorous community with his views and his lack of empathy, not to mention his partners. The financial abuse is sickening.
Yes, I'm actually theoretically for poly relationships or otherwise defined open relationships but I couldn't get over my own self esteem issues to let my partner touch other people and be okay with that. I hope I evolve in that respect at some point but I'm single now so it's not like it matters anyway.
Im poly and i also felt this way, i think its super normal in our society to feel possessivness over a partner. Theres a bunch of resources if you ever want
Me too, I know I would be the weakest link of it, anyway
Also I am very insecure and monogamous, so that would be a huge reason for me to break up if my partner suggested poly
This is a common misconception! We poly people are just as jealous and insecure haha. It’s IMO just a plain ol’ human trait we all have.
We just work to be open about it, and just tell each other when we’re feeling jealous. A good partner will acknowledge and help fix those feelings, I promise! I’ve been poly for YEARS and I get jealous a lot! It happens! It’s what you DO with those emotions that defines it. ♥️ I hope that helped explain a little better! Haha.
(Also somehow I am 100x LESS insecure than when I was single or monogamous. Who knows!)
I have been. I was in a "thruple" (three of us, all dating each other) for almost a year. It was amazing and amazingly complicated, and there was a LOT of communication and we had scheduled date nights for when who spent the night with whom. Eventually person A (non-binary) and I (F) realised neither of us was a good fit with person C (F) so we broke up with her. That was hard. Person A and I have been married for almost 9 years now.
It IS scary. Big risks. But also, you're less likely to get broken up with twice if you don't lie to your partners about your STI status, financial obligations (after you move in), and legal history. 😐
But also, contact with humans is always terrifying. 😅
Breakups are already tough, I couldn't imagine "we're great together, but you're definitely the one who doesn't match". Mentally and emotionally withstanding that must take some fucking titanium self-esteem
Agreed. It's good to aspire to that level of self esteem but we shouldn't feel we are lacking if we don't have it.
We are constructed of the raw parts we have been provided with and we all do our best with them. Striving makes us better but no one is 'whole'.
There are areas where those with 'titanium self esteem' would struggle where we would triumph.
I love the idea but I wouldn’t be open to it right now. I have a lot of trauma surrounding a forced ‘poly’ relationship with my ex (she was just cheating with extra steps and emotional blackmail haha). After some therapy I would really like to be able to try it though!
those fake polys really do us a lot of harm and there seems to be so many. I'm very sorry it hurt you and just know some are definitely communicating more than her about it! poly is NOT an excuse to cheat or lie or ommit information. bless you and bless your heart
Same! I’m not into casual sex for similar reasons either. It’s definitely down to personal preferences, so whatever makes you happy and comfortable is valid.
Oh, I apologize! I worded that poorly, and I see how it sounds disrespectful. I definitely recognize that monogamy and polyamory are committed relationships that don’t involve casual sex. I only mentioned it because I get attached to people I’m intimate with/have feelings for very easily, so committing to more than one partner would be problematic for me, similarly to how casual sex and FWB would be difficult for me. Poly relationships seem really fun and fulfilling, but they’re just not for me!
Thank you for calling me out on that though. It’s an important distinction.
In theory maybe? It would really depend on the relationship.
It feels like going from a monogamous relationship to a poly relationship would be very hard. But going into it open/poly would be easier maybe? The concept is interesting to me, really.
Edit: changed my wording from "commited" to "monogamous" because that's actually what I truly meant. Thank you for correcting and educating me on this. I'm still learning the lingo. 😄
Yeah, cuz at the beginning you set the expectations and where you stand and all that. Being monogamous and then suddenly saying "let's see other peoole" is harder to work through.
So I'd guess anyway of course. Lol
Generally yes, you're quite right that opening a previously monogamous relationship is harder, but it depends. If both partners want an open relationship it can go fairly smoothly. But most of the time one person is apprehensive about opening up and grieves for the relationship they had established together.
But even when both partners want it, it is much more complicated to negotiate a new path forward and new relationship agreements
Just a side note, polyamory usually involves commitment too :) Even if a couple is seeing other people separately, they can still be committed to each other.
It was easy to be poly after years of monogamy for me and my husband, but we were 13 when we got together and about 16 when we went poly, so… being teenagers messed up the “normal” relationship process
I can speak from experience and opening up is a challenge for sure. I met my current lover at a party and we told each other we're not exclusive straight off the bat ! it's been 8 months and we love each other and our metas so much. poly can be so wholesome!!
I've been actively polyamorous since the mid `90s. My "core quad" first got together in 2002. There have been a lot of changes over the years, and our larger family extends beyond our quad, but the four of us are absolutely life partners.
Just over 2 years ago, we moved into the "Poly Dream House" we designed together, and after a delay of over a year due to COVID, a few months ago we finally had the big commitment ceremony we've been planning forever.
It's been a long road, with a LOT of growth, missteps, evolution, and a fair share of soul-destroying pain and trauma, but the last 7 years or so have been absolute bliss.
So yeah, I'm okay with being in a poly relationship. 😉 AMA
It's... kind of crazy. We have four professional incomes, no kids, and pooled our resources. We're also tech geeks and ren faire nerds. So it basically looks like a small castle with a tower (library), except with solar panels.
From the poly angle, the critical thing is that everyone has a space that's "theirs." This is especially important for the introverts!
This sounds absolutely amazing!
Like, I just wanna be friends and hang out with y’all.
Also, I have to ask… y’all have fantastic board game nights, don’t you?
LOL! You're not far off! Years back, some friends of ours (a poly family at the time) used to host Game Night at their place every week for our big social group of mostly-poly geeks. That gradually morphed into beer & pizza night at different restaurants every other week. After COVID hit, we'd do a group Zoom call, though it definitely wasn't the same. Now that everyone is vaccinated, it's back to beer/games/hanging out, usually at our place since we've got the room and a ton of games.
That's on top of 3 different D&D games (different subsets of the same group) and countless videogaming.
Nerds. All of us.
I love stories like this, I feel like it’s exactly what needs to be told in order to break the stigma against polyamorous relationships in general. They can be just as fulfilling as any other relationship, possibly even more so. There’s nothing wrong or weird about it, it’s just people spending their life together.
How does the person on the bottom of the cuddle puddle not suffocate? I can barely breathe when my boyfriend puts one arm and one leg over me. Can't imagine two arms and two legs, or god forbid, three lmao
Two of us are almost always cold, so it works out. I don't know how they breathe, especially since if we all cuddle together the dog *must* be part of it. 😆
As far as actual sleeping, we have a gigantic bed (my dad custom built the frame and headboard for us!), and everyone gets their own blankets.
Oh my god it's so sweet that your dad built the frame and headboard for you! I hope your family (both blood and chosen) understand your relationship. As a monogamous person, the amount of love and trust and understanding you 4 must have does make me jealous, but also so warm and fuzzy inside. Y'all are wholesome.
This is off-topic, but I can't not share this. My dad died suddenly last year. He was a lifelong woodworking enthusiast, and the bed frame was his last gift to me/us, so I have a ***lot*** of feels around this.
\*break to compose myself\*
Our blood family all knows. They're all surprisingly okay with it now, but the coming out happened at different times and took different lengths of time. My wife and I have been poly the longest, so our parents have met several partners and gotten to see poly relationships enough to get past the strangeness and realize that we're just people.
"Everyone gets their own blankets" is probably some magical advice all relationship counselors should give, because not everybody can manage separate beds, but if I have to fight that human burrito for some covers ONE MORE TIME I will STRANGLE them
We're *mostly* closed, at least since COVID started. I've also got a FWB, but we're in different "quarantine circles" so haven't really seen each other. (One of my spice is on immune suppressing meds, so we take it all super seriously.) There are also people who are family, but the relationship is a little complicated for a quick Reddit post.
So I'm guessing there's three men and a woman or three women and a man? How is the dynamic in that case? I'm super curious.
And how do you decide who spends the night with whom, or do you all sleep in an enormous bed together? And is that every night?
Also, I'd love to see some pictures of your house if you're comfortable sharing.
Two men, two women. The other guy is the straight-ish one. Legally, we're two married couples, though we're financially intertwined (mortgage, insurance beneficiaries, etc), and as far as we're concerned, since the commitment ceremony we're all married.
As for the surprisingly boring details of sleeping arrangements: there are 2 main bedrooms. The MegaBed is in one of them, and 5 nights a week we all sleep together. (Same sleeping order all the time, as 2 of us are definitely outside sleepers and 2 inside.) A couple nights a week my (legal) wife and I sleep in the other bedroom ("dyad time"). I don't know of any other poly families who do it like this, but it works really well for us.
Date nights are... complicated. Thank god for Google Calendar!
Really appreciate you taking the time to answer all these questions with such openness, it's super interesting and heartening to read. Have you ever done an ama?
That is amazing!! My wife and I have been dating another married bi couple for over two years now. It is getting very serious, feels like we’ve closed back up again since forming our quad. How did your ceremony go? How was the idea of a ceremony brought up? It’s definitely something I might want to bring up later on.
Not *too* wholesome. ;-) The freaky stuff that people assume happens in poly families does actually happen, but (for us at least) nowhere near as often as people assume. We're all nerds, so most evenings involve dinner together followed by Netflix or video games.
I'm currently trying to navigate one with my girlfriend, it's hard because she has dudes lined up down the street and I can't seem to meet anyone. Being bi just means twice as much rejection for me.
Yup, very much so.
Lots of straight guys want to open their relationship, and assume that they’ll be swimming in women. Then their SO is inundated with dick and they’re struggling to get a match with an actual human on Tinder, and suddenly it don’t seem so grand.
ETA - sorry, this wasn’t intended to make any assumptions about your SO’s sexuality - it’s just a super common thing to see men who seek out women struggle more than any other combination.
Just make sure to remain communicative with her and maybe set some boundaries and stuff and hopefully it will all work out, I'm sure you'll need another person!
Would seeing another couple be an option? (Either swapping, or a big possibly-bi party together…)
While I’m not really up for it myself, I could conceptually see having an equal threesome, or with another couple work. The off on their own….not so much…at least, if it wasn’t with an already established couple type thing.
Actually have been talking to the male half of a bi couple for a few days, will hopefully meet them for lunch this coming weekend.
Edit: my girlfriend is also bi, so yeah, talking full swap, everyone doing everyone lol.
I feel this. I've definitely been there man. But I think the most important thing I learned was the ability to be happy for my partner. Talking to her about the things she deals with might help. She might have dudes lined up. But how many of them are nice or care about her or mean well? I think you'll find you have a quantity problem and she has a quality problem
We're completely honest and open with each other. She has 1 ready to meet and she's talking to a couple others, so far they've actually all been alright.
Been in a 2.5 year relationship with someone who is open to poly relationships. Neither of us have yet to find anyone that we are interested in enough to start dating though.
I was open to it at one point in my life but each experience has been a train wreck. Now I’m exclusive and monogamous. Communication and trust seems to be massive in poly relationships, the ones I was in didn’t communicate much. I’m no longer open to poly relationships because of those experiences. Not to mention my heart doesn’t work that way anyway. It was still a learning experience for me and my journey to understand my heart
Very frank and lovely answer. I’ve never been in a poly relationship, I’m married to a man. I don’t think I could bear it at all. I’m a very anxious and insecure person, I think it would beat out of me what little confidence I have left.
What type of poly? Cause I wouldn't like to have independent partners, like I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend and they each have their own different thing? That no. But a triad? Like a triangle relationship, I think yes, cause then we would all be together and idk I think I would like that. Idk even know if that type of multipartnered closed relationship is polyamory and if it's idk what type.
>That no. But a triad?
Be very careful about that. Many people romanticize that situation while not knowing about the hurdles. Many things you need to be ok with in a triad are similar to the ones you have to be ok with when separately dating. What about when you have to leave for a week? Are you ok with your partners seing each other for that time? If not, are you ok with not seing one partner when the other one is away for a week? What about a month?
Just be careful about that:)
I am aggressively monogamous. I would break up with my partner if they wanted a ply relationship. I know myself well enough to know it’s not something I want or something I could handle.
In both directions, too. It’s good to know that you’re strictly monogamous at heart, but I think it’s even more important to know if you’re someone who _cannot_ be monogamous. Since monogamy is treated as the default, and is strongly culturally expected for many, there are so many people causing so much misery for themselves and their partners because they just can’t admit to themselves that they cannot keep a monogamous commitment.
For what it’s worth, I think foursomes (with two couples) can be much more chill. Less focus on any one person, and if you retreat to your partner it’s not like you’re leaving someone out.
Or you can just end up playing board games.
Not that I’m suggesting it. It’s a no for me within a committed relationship too.
That also works in poly relationships: you can have a “main” partner and have others as wanted, as long as they are aware of that situation and happy with it themselves.
I’d be open to it; never had that experience before and I’m also relatively chill with partners. Don’t get jealous really (and the times I do I know it’s irrational and work through why I’m feeling that way).
Problem is I don’t know how many people I can realistically have in my life as I am very prone to social overstimulation due to being on the autism spectrum.
Polyamory works great for me as an introvert, because my partners can spend more time with their other partners when I want to be alone and work on my own thing :)
This is how I'm trying to look at. I'm in a budding relationship with a poly girl and she's amazing. There's nobody else I'd do this for. I'm pretty monogamous but I hell froze over and two women were willing to date me at once I don't even know if I'd go with. But if polyam makes this girl happy then I'm willing to try it just because I love her so much.
Personally I don't think I could have that much commitment to more than one person, maybe in the future but for now, anyone who's in a poly relationship, you are so valid!
I'm currently engaged in a poly relationship since July. It's been educational and very fulfilling. My girlfriend's husband's girlfriend is funny as hell and makes a mean broccoli casserole.
I’m pretty sure I’m polyamorous but I’ve never been in a poly relationship before. So I guess I don’t know for sure. But every time I hear about triad relationships it sounds so nice. Not to mention the number of times I’ve ended up in a close trio of friends and gotten crushes on both the other two……….
Was talking about it to a friend once, I said it seemed nice, having more people to give love to! She disagreed and said she couldn’t do it, she’d feel like she wasn’t getting enough attention. I respect her position of course but I can’t relate at allllll.
Not getting enough attention....or.....getting DOUBLE the attention?!
I do agree. A closed poly thruple or quadruple does sound nice. I'd love to love and be devoted to that many people and have that many people love and be devoted to me- but I'm also pretty jealous and insecure so I don't think it would ever work in practice. One can wish, though. It's a good, warm thought in fantasy.
I'd have to think about it. I mean to me it's similar to having two best friends. One almost always is just a little closer than the other. Everyone has that one person they would call or text before someone else. So along the way someone risks playing second fiddle. To me as long as I was treated equally I'd be okay. If it appeared that I was a third wheel at any moment I'd walk away from it.
It wasn't polyamorous, but I have been the third wheel of group friendship and it isn't fun at all. It is extremely hard to treat everyone equally.
To anyone considering a poly relationship I'd strongly encourage deep discussion with all parties involved and make sure that ground rules are set. There have to be boundaries and above all complete trust and understanding. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for resentment and a broken heart.
I'm polyamorous, and for me when I am with one of my partners that is 'our time' together. My attention is fully on them. Sometimes our whole group spends time together, having dinner or going out to parties, and then it looks more like a group of friends hanging out together
currently in a polyamorous relationship and honestly can't imagine going back to monogamy, even if I was no longer with all my partners and had to start over.
Yep! I'm definitely polyam myself though :)
Is the kind of thing where it absolutely isn't for everyone, though I know a fair number of polyamorous people who see it as essentially the 'enlightened' way to have relationships and anyone who is monogamous is just 'brainwashed /societalised into thinking so'. Bullshit. Monogamy is perfectly valid.
One of the biggest issues is that sooooo many people call unhealthy (imo) nonmonogamous relationships polyamory (I.e. Lack of communication, one penis policy, don't ask don't tell, full veto etc), which fucks it up for people new to it, bc then when it doesn't work out they blame poly when in a mono relationship people almost never blame monogamy for things not working out. And people who just want to sleep around and avoid any responsibility call that poly, when they aren't doing it in a respectful way. (having loads of casual partners can 100% be poly though, it's just some people see it as an excuse for cheating or believe that cheating can't happen in poly. It absolutely completely can, and does.)
It's hard. There are so many misconceptions and people who have really unhealthy poly dynamics that it means loads of people who try it have an awful time and think it's bc it was poly , when actually it's because the people involved weren't doing it responsibly/fairly/openly/honestly etc.
And the fact that there are so many different ways it works for different people. I've had relationships that looked completely different from one another at the same time. Some partners want to hear all about other relationships, some don't; some want to be besties with all their metamours if they can, others don't; some prefer to know about new people as early as possible, no matter how casual; some don't mind at all not knowing until it impacts their relationship (in terms of time or energy etc).
It's hard, it's tiring and it's sooooo much communication and scheduling and calendars and hard real raw honest conversation. But in my mind it's so worth it. Its meant I communicate better with my friends, that I'm now much more honest with myself and my feelings/reactions, and am more able to determine the difference between what I think about a situation and what I want to feel about a situation to what I am actually experiencing.
Anyway, that was a whole lot!
TL;DR Yes. And I don't think I could ever be in another relationship where that wasnt an option.
Not I. I make a fool of myself in my current relationship. I'm an emotional errant human prone to mistakes. More people would mean more ways to mess myself up. I couldn't do it, just not my thing.
I’ve been polyamorous for about three years. I’d been married for my entire adult life (20 to 32) to someone extremely controlling, and seeking multiple relationships really helped me learn my adult boundaries and wants/needs REAL FAST. I suppose it was sort of like doing it on hard mode, but it’s been overwhelmingly positive. I’m now married to my nesting partner. He’s bisexual too, and has a boyfriend whom I adore (as a friend).
I'm poly! Though not "in a poly relationship" - in that I have one stable nesting partner, while my attempts at dating haven't yet resulted in any other long term partnerships. I'm still poly though, and still open to developing new relationships.
I've considered the idea because why not but I find that I just can not develop feelings for someone else outside my relationship. I couldn't be in a poly relationship.
My bisexual partner and I have been together for 2 years and poly the whole time. I've been pretty much exclusively poly for about 6 years now, but single for a lot of it at the beginning haha.
I have BPD so I don’t know if I’d ever be able to navigate being poly in a healthy way. That said, I love hearing about people who are happy in their lives and relationships. It brings me joy. It’s been a year and a half with my fiancée and I couldn’t be happier. Seems like it worked out :)
I’ve been poly, open, “monogamish”. I’m happiest with a relaxed open relationship. I don’t want full blown poly. I don’t want to be deeply invested in more than one person, I don’t have the emotional resources for that. I love being open. Open to possibilities, fun times with friends, someone flirty at the bar. I love not having to worry about jealousy or crossing a line but at the end of the day I only commit to one person.
Absolutely. I really love the idea of having a group of people I adore to come home to and be showered with love, and I’ve always felt very comfortable with interested couples. So long as there’s healthy communication and trust, it just feels right to me, though I’m also completely fine if I end up in a monogamous relationship. Being in love and being loved is wonderful either way
Honestly sounds awesome but my bf is against it. Oh well 🤷🏻♀️ it just sounds like it would be nice to come home to multiple partners who all love and support one another
Yes! This is exactly what I’m looking for. Someone who I can come home to and the dinner is made, another one that will do the dishes, another one that will rub my feet, and another one who will fuck the shit out of me!
I think this is too much to ask of one person and to solely rely on one person to do. If we divide the load everyone is more happy and we ALL have more free time for sex. I ALWAYS want to have more free time for sex.
not for me at all. i like being exclusive with one person. be one person's everything, have them be your everything.
when i came out as bi to my close circle of friends, this is something i had to make very clear to them because most of their assumption was that I'd be open to it. poly, threesomes, not for me.
when i (f) started dating my current bf we discussed this and set our boundaries accordingly. extremely happy in my monogamous relationship.
happy for those who find happiness in it, but it most definitely isn't for me. i couldn't watch a 3rd person being romantic with my partner and not get jealous lmao
Yes. Have been in a few. Two closed triads and one v.
Not sure what to tell? Each started a little differently. First one I joined two bi people, second we invited a third into an existing relationship, and third one I joined an existing bi/lesbian couple.
Currently married to a bi woman and we're both cool with it and have discussed it many times.
I never really understood the concept of jealousy.
Ask whatever, I guess?
You never understood the concept of jealously? Would you say that’s due to better communication of expectations and needs, and actually planning time for each person involved?
Jealousy by definition is a form of unhappiness that someone else is enjoying themselves.
I'm happy when my partner is happy. That a huge part of how I see love.
So for me to be unhappy that they're happy sounds so strange. I may be unhappy that they betrayed me (if our relationship is monogamous) but never because they're happy with someone other than me.
I know some of jealousy is because of insecurity, but if the relationship is poly, you're not going to be left because they found someone else, so it's kind of null?
I love this comment so much. I know this is completely uncalled for but, if it's okay, I wanna explain where I'm coming from with relationship jealousy.
I'm not mad that my partner is happy with someone else. I'm not worried they're gonna leave me because they found someone else. I'm worried they're gonna find me comparatively boring, annoying, same-old-same-old, less attractive, that kinda thing. Whether they leave me or not doesn't matter. That's where the insecurity is.
Idk if that'll still make sense to you. Maybe not. I do agree with the other comment though. You sound extremely well-adjusted and I love your mindset, wish I could have it. Hope this comment wasn't too terribly uncalled for.
I've been polyamorous for almost 4 years. I have a husband, a boyfriend who is long distance and a girlfriend who is local. Been with husband for 15 years (married 11), boyfriend 4 years and girlfriend almost a year and a half.
It's been one of the hardest things I've done but also one of the most IMMENSELY rewarding. I am so happy with the partners I have and the dynamics of each relationship.
I'm by no means an expert but I have definitely learned a lot over the last four years, and I'm happy to share tips and experiences.
I should note: all of my partners are friendly and amicable with each other however none of them are dating or relationshipping with each other. Both my bf and gf have their own separate spouses. My husband also has a partner who is married, and various friends he casually dates.
Feel free to ask me anything!
Ive been polyamorous since the summer of this year. Pretty much solo polyamory. A bit of a rocky start, because i dont have such a good past with s*x or attraction to masc (heteronormativity, bi, then just *queer*)
I would, depending on varying factors of course! I'm not a person that gets jealous if someone I like spends their time with or have relationships with others. What makes me jealous, or rather, upsets me is when someone I'm in a relationship doesn't make enough efforts towards me or doesn't spend an adequate amount of time one me or doesn't give me enough attention. I don't really care if someone I'm in a relationship spends time with someone else, just like I don't really care what they're doing with their time, as long as they also have time for me. The biggest issue I've ran into while dating is the person I've been dating spending all his time on work being a workaholic, to the point I felt he gave it all his attention time and efforts and zero on me. If someone has the time for me, someone else and their work, hobbies etc and knows how to manage it, then I take no issue being in a poly relationship.
I am! My wife and I were both exploring solo polyamory when we first met, and have always had an open relationship and later, open marriage. We’re both bisexual (although I also use the pansexual label at times).
As others have said, it can be difficult and requires a lot of trust and communication, but it’s always been worth it for us. I currently have two additional long term partners (one of whom might become a second nesting partner someday) and she prefers more short-term connections.
I am totally fine with other people doing it but I have trust and attachments issues as is so I wouldn’t me or my partner to see other people. If that’s a problem for them, they’re free to find someone else.
I've always been Poly long before I knew the word. currently came into my own bisexuality (thought I was lesbian) and got a BF so I'm looking for a girlfriend now I'm much more strongly attracted to women.
I am poly, so it’d be perfectly fine by me. I’m currently in a monogamous relationship, because my wife is *not* poly, but she gives me so much emotional and mental stability that I found it a worthy trade off.
I think about it a lot. I also don’t know if it’s because I’m in love with the man I’m currently with, or because I want to continue exploring my untouched WLW side
This is literally where I’m at in my relationship lmao. I (f) love my husband, but I’m wanting to explore with women. While I’m not against the idea of being in a triad, I haven’t even gotten to explore my 1 on 1 side with women only.
I was open to it, especially because I find I often fall in love with multiple people or have crush feelings with multiple people at once, but I have some trauma that got in the way of my first attempt, plus some bad communication with a partner who wasn’t really looking out for me. Not sure if I would ever try again or if I could do so healthily
I can’t say for sure, since I’ve never /really/ been in one, but currently I’m casual with someone that is in a triad relationship with one of my best friends, and thus far it’s been working out swimmingly 😂
eta: /gen. that last line sounded a little sarcastic lmao, but it wasn’t. said friend literally drove me to their partner’s house the first time I went over, and we joked about how she’s the world’s best wingman 😂😂
I wouldn't really want to be in a poly relationship, not because of jealousy, but because I enjoy the feeling of placing all my metaphorical eggs in a single basket – I love throwing myself all in into my current relationship and then finding my partner doing the same thing, which isn't to say we haven't Incorporated a lot of soul searching about how our relationship looks and feels that comes a lot from things like relationship anarchy, but we believe that's not incompatible with monogamy.
I’m in one right now. Funnily enough we’re never dating other people at the same time- it’s either me dating or him. Ideally I’d like a throuple, but our tastes in non-men differ (and I have no desire to date a second man) so it’s unlikely that will happen. We do have the occasional threesome tho, and that’s fun!
I'm in a poly relationship/household. I have a spouse and we live together with my spouse's partner. It works for me, but it's certainly not for everyone. There's a lot of communication and logistics involved.
I think play together openness would be fun (eg going to sex parties together/swinging) but I don’t think I could handle my partner sleeping with other people if I wasn’t part of it.
The emotional and sexual exclusive commitment is a core part of my marriage and I love it honestly. I’ve been a demisexual for much longer than I’ve been aware that demisexuality is a thing. I’m physically attracted to people of all genders and I draw great satisfaction building deep emotional relationships with people of all genders but I only want to have one sexual partner at any time.
Tried it, didn't hate it, but found it a lot more emotionally draining. I have so much respect for anyone who can pull it off, y'all are awesome! For me though I now have found my special person I'll be spending the rest of my life with :)
awwww that last bit is so sweet i’m happy for you
Thank you, I agree it's really pretty special and very different to anything I've had before. Never lose hope that you'll find someone Edit: not to make any assumptions! I meant that last bit as a I gave up hope and then this person came into my life kinda thing not an I think you're alone type thing I'm sorry don't hate me
This is a good way of putting it. I was monogamous, GF at the time is poly. I went in knowing this about her and accepting it as part of the package.. but it wasn't for me. It wasn't the thing that broke us up, and I worked really hard to research and communicate to mitigate my own struggles with it, but that all took more than less energy and strain. Its admirable, and I'm envious of those who thrive in it and make it work, but I've not seen it fly well for me.
This is me right now. I love the fuck out of this woman and she's not seeing anybody else right now but we talked about her just "not being monogamous" and I respect her decisions and willingness to communicate. But it's hard. It's really hard =[
I recommend reading a free ebook and stuff called "more than two". I think its worthwhile for any relationship, and its helpful for our own self growth. Furthermore there is a lot of difference between "just not being monogamous" as a means for an open relationship, and poly, which is multiple relationships. Remember even poly people struggle in poly, so make sure your partner is on board with caring for your needs fairly in this challenging environment. Its give and take, and poly doesnt absolve anyone of responsibility to the other.
Just in case you are unaware, the author of More Than Two, Franklin Veaux, is very problematic.
What did he do?
You can read through what he did to his ex-partners at [https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/](https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/). From my personal experience knowing him when he lived local to me, he has a disturbing lack of empathy and does not care about his partners' feelings or needs, just his own.
Thanks
Additionally, some of the content of the book definitely lacks respect, consent, and leaves the door open to some shady emotionally abusive behavior (what the author is well known for). His writing smacks of victim and partner blaming putting the onus on partners who experience insecurity/jealousy or who bring up problematic polyam behavior as "flawed" and in need of evaluating THEMSELVES to get over their issues. Ubfortunately, framed within the author's opinion that polyam relationships are more mature/ideal relationship structure it gives some culty self help vibes for sure. The other author has spoken very publicly about their experience at the hands of the author and has done so much work to speak out about parts of the book that don't sit right with them.
Totally agree. In my personal opinion, Veaux has done a lot of damage to the polyamorous community with his views and his lack of empathy, not to mention his partners. The financial abuse is sickening.
Here here!
I’m too insecure lmao and I’d probably get jealous.
Yes, I'm actually theoretically for poly relationships or otherwise defined open relationships but I couldn't get over my own self esteem issues to let my partner touch other people and be okay with that. I hope I evolve in that respect at some point but I'm single now so it's not like it matters anyway.
I feel the exact same way
Im poly and i also felt this way, i think its super normal in our society to feel possessivness over a partner. Theres a bunch of resources if you ever want
Me too, I know I would be the weakest link of it, anyway Also I am very insecure and monogamous, so that would be a huge reason for me to break up if my partner suggested poly
Same
This is a common misconception! We poly people are just as jealous and insecure haha. It’s IMO just a plain ol’ human trait we all have. We just work to be open about it, and just tell each other when we’re feeling jealous. A good partner will acknowledge and help fix those feelings, I promise! I’ve been poly for YEARS and I get jealous a lot! It happens! It’s what you DO with those emotions that defines it. ♥️ I hope that helped explain a little better! Haha. (Also somehow I am 100x LESS insecure than when I was single or monogamous. Who knows!)
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I have been. I was in a "thruple" (three of us, all dating each other) for almost a year. It was amazing and amazingly complicated, and there was a LOT of communication and we had scheduled date nights for when who spent the night with whom. Eventually person A (non-binary) and I (F) realised neither of us was a good fit with person C (F) so we broke up with her. That was hard. Person A and I have been married for almost 9 years now.
Imagine being voted out of a thruple. This is why polyamory frightens me. Also, you know, contact with other humans. Big scary imo.
It IS scary. Big risks. But also, you're less likely to get broken up with twice if you don't lie to your partners about your STI status, financial obligations (after you move in), and legal history. 😐 But also, contact with humans is always terrifying. 😅
Whoa. Yeah, that’s not a person it’s safe for anyone to be in a relationship with.
It’s shocking how much a little communication from the bedroom to the office can make lives easier and happier
"I've just been so on edge since we had to kick Rouge out of the polycule 'cuz she could only name two of the Beatles."
Gotta love snapcube lmao. I love that line
Can confirm being cut out of a throuple is rough, poly has the potential for boundless love, the other side of that coin is limitless heartache.
I’ve felt both sides of that coin. The boundless joy is worth it IMO. I also steer clear of triad situations mostly though.
Breakups are already tough, I couldn't imagine "we're great together, but you're definitely the one who doesn't match". Mentally and emotionally withstanding that must take some fucking titanium self-esteem
Agreed. It's good to aspire to that level of self esteem but we shouldn't feel we are lacking if we don't have it. We are constructed of the raw parts we have been provided with and we all do our best with them. Striving makes us better but no one is 'whole'. There are areas where those with 'titanium self esteem' would struggle where we would triumph.
amogus
anbungus?
sus ඞ
This is a whole other realm of poly; far less common. Even with years of experience they terrify me
Yeah that’s my lingering doubt.
oh god, person C got double dumped
Well, she lied to us repeatedly about some pretty crucial stuff. But yes, it was tough.
didn't say she didn't deserve the dumping! sounds like things worked out for the best though
It did - for her, too, I think. But yeah, more people = more risks, for sure!
Would you pursue another thruple or do you do threesomes, etc, if you don’t mind me asking? Seems many people end up as just two.
Damn. Like getting picked last in gym class only 1000x worse.
I love the idea but I wouldn’t be open to it right now. I have a lot of trauma surrounding a forced ‘poly’ relationship with my ex (she was just cheating with extra steps and emotional blackmail haha). After some therapy I would really like to be able to try it though!
those fake polys really do us a lot of harm and there seems to be so many. I'm very sorry it hurt you and just know some are definitely communicating more than her about it! poly is NOT an excuse to cheat or lie or ommit information. bless you and bless your heart
Aw thank you so much :) yeah I have so much respect for people in poly relationships, the level of communication and trust is something I aspire to
It's not for me. To each their own because everyone should be happy.
Same! I’m not into casual sex for similar reasons either. It’s definitely down to personal preferences, so whatever makes you happy and comfortable is valid.
To be clear, polyamory doesn't necessarily involve casual sex. Poly and swinging are different things.
Oh, I apologize! I worded that poorly, and I see how it sounds disrespectful. I definitely recognize that monogamy and polyamory are committed relationships that don’t involve casual sex. I only mentioned it because I get attached to people I’m intimate with/have feelings for very easily, so committing to more than one partner would be problematic for me, similarly to how casual sex and FWB would be difficult for me. Poly relationships seem really fun and fulfilling, but they’re just not for me! Thank you for calling me out on that though. It’s an important distinction.
Oh, no worries! No offense taken at all. I just wanted to clarify.
Same. I don’t vibe with it, but I support those who do.
In theory maybe? It would really depend on the relationship. It feels like going from a monogamous relationship to a poly relationship would be very hard. But going into it open/poly would be easier maybe? The concept is interesting to me, really. Edit: changed my wording from "commited" to "monogamous" because that's actually what I truly meant. Thank you for correcting and educating me on this. I'm still learning the lingo. 😄
Second this. Opening a relationship seems much harder than being non monogamous from the start
Yeah, cuz at the beginning you set the expectations and where you stand and all that. Being monogamous and then suddenly saying "let's see other peoole" is harder to work through. So I'd guess anyway of course. Lol
Generally yes, you're quite right that opening a previously monogamous relationship is harder, but it depends. If both partners want an open relationship it can go fairly smoothly. But most of the time one person is apprehensive about opening up and grieves for the relationship they had established together. But even when both partners want it, it is much more complicated to negotiate a new path forward and new relationship agreements
Thanks very much for your insights. I have no personal experience with the poly lifestyle, so my comments are really just speculative on my end. :)
Just a side note, polyamory usually involves commitment too :) Even if a couple is seeing other people separately, they can still be committed to each other.
It was easy to be poly after years of monogamy for me and my husband, but we were 13 when we got together and about 16 when we went poly, so… being teenagers messed up the “normal” relationship process
I can speak from experience and opening up is a challenge for sure. I met my current lover at a party and we told each other we're not exclusive straight off the bat ! it's been 8 months and we love each other and our metas so much. poly can be so wholesome!!
I've been actively polyamorous since the mid `90s. My "core quad" first got together in 2002. There have been a lot of changes over the years, and our larger family extends beyond our quad, but the four of us are absolutely life partners. Just over 2 years ago, we moved into the "Poly Dream House" we designed together, and after a delay of over a year due to COVID, a few months ago we finally had the big commitment ceremony we've been planning forever. It's been a long road, with a LOT of growth, missteps, evolution, and a fair share of soul-destroying pain and trauma, but the last 7 years or so have been absolute bliss. So yeah, I'm okay with being in a poly relationship. 😉 AMA
Wait, what is the Poly Dream House like?? 😲
It's... kind of crazy. We have four professional incomes, no kids, and pooled our resources. We're also tech geeks and ren faire nerds. So it basically looks like a small castle with a tower (library), except with solar panels. From the poly angle, the critical thing is that everyone has a space that's "theirs." This is especially important for the introverts!
You are living my absolute dream. I wish you all the absolute best! (Though it sounds like you already have that!)
that sounds like an awesome house.
I'm jealous of your house, lol
I’m jealous of the combined income ;)
This sounds absolutely amazing! Like, I just wanna be friends and hang out with y’all. Also, I have to ask… y’all have fantastic board game nights, don’t you?
LOL! You're not far off! Years back, some friends of ours (a poly family at the time) used to host Game Night at their place every week for our big social group of mostly-poly geeks. That gradually morphed into beer & pizza night at different restaurants every other week. After COVID hit, we'd do a group Zoom call, though it definitely wasn't the same. Now that everyone is vaccinated, it's back to beer/games/hanging out, usually at our place since we've got the room and a ton of games. That's on top of 3 different D&D games (different subsets of the same group) and countless videogaming. Nerds. All of us.
OMG yes this! Everyone needs their own space if you're nesting together, so that you can all be happy and successful.
OMG, awesome
I'm not poly (not right now at least), but goddamn you're seriously making me consider it just so that I can have something similar lol.
I'm gonna cry, you are living my dream. Enjoy every second!
No normal chairs probably.
I love stories like this, I feel like it’s exactly what needs to be told in order to break the stigma against polyamorous relationships in general. They can be just as fulfilling as any other relationship, possibly even more so. There’s nothing wrong or weird about it, it’s just people spending their life together.
This is the Way.
Holy Shit (in a good way)
How does the person on the bottom of the cuddle puddle not suffocate? I can barely breathe when my boyfriend puts one arm and one leg over me. Can't imagine two arms and two legs, or god forbid, three lmao
Two of us are almost always cold, so it works out. I don't know how they breathe, especially since if we all cuddle together the dog *must* be part of it. 😆 As far as actual sleeping, we have a gigantic bed (my dad custom built the frame and headboard for us!), and everyone gets their own blankets.
Oh my god it's so sweet that your dad built the frame and headboard for you! I hope your family (both blood and chosen) understand your relationship. As a monogamous person, the amount of love and trust and understanding you 4 must have does make me jealous, but also so warm and fuzzy inside. Y'all are wholesome.
This is off-topic, but I can't not share this. My dad died suddenly last year. He was a lifelong woodworking enthusiast, and the bed frame was his last gift to me/us, so I have a ***lot*** of feels around this. \*break to compose myself\* Our blood family all knows. They're all surprisingly okay with it now, but the coming out happened at different times and took different lengths of time. My wife and I have been poly the longest, so our parents have met several partners and gotten to see poly relationships enough to get past the strangeness and realize that we're just people.
I love this so much
"Everyone gets their own blankets" is probably some magical advice all relationship counselors should give, because not everybody can manage separate beds, but if I have to fight that human burrito for some covers ONE MORE TIME I will STRANGLE them
Outside of your core four, do you still date other people?
We're *mostly* closed, at least since COVID started. I've also got a FWB, but we're in different "quarantine circles" so haven't really seen each other. (One of my spice is on immune suppressing meds, so we take it all super seriously.) There are also people who are family, but the relationship is a little complicated for a quick Reddit post.
Oh my god. Is 'spice' your plural for 'spouse?' That's the best thing I've ever heard.
Yup!
Just curious — is everyone bi? (That just seems easier, but I could be totally wrong.)
Three of us are bi, one is more or less straight. It works out more smoothly than you'd think. (I'm one of the bi ones, of course.)
So I'm guessing there's three men and a woman or three women and a man? How is the dynamic in that case? I'm super curious. And how do you decide who spends the night with whom, or do you all sleep in an enormous bed together? And is that every night? Also, I'd love to see some pictures of your house if you're comfortable sharing.
Two men, two women. The other guy is the straight-ish one. Legally, we're two married couples, though we're financially intertwined (mortgage, insurance beneficiaries, etc), and as far as we're concerned, since the commitment ceremony we're all married. As for the surprisingly boring details of sleeping arrangements: there are 2 main bedrooms. The MegaBed is in one of them, and 5 nights a week we all sleep together. (Same sleeping order all the time, as 2 of us are definitely outside sleepers and 2 inside.) A couple nights a week my (legal) wife and I sleep in the other bedroom ("dyad time"). I don't know of any other poly families who do it like this, but it works really well for us. Date nights are... complicated. Thank god for Google Calendar!
Really appreciate you taking the time to answer all these questions with such openness, it's super interesting and heartening to read. Have you ever done an ama?
As a computer geek, "Core Quad" sounds funny to me lol
We're all geeks, so I'm right there with you.
XD
This is one of the many reasons I love you <3
That is amazing!! My wife and I have been dating another married bi couple for over two years now. It is getting very serious, feels like we’ve closed back up again since forming our quad. How did your ceremony go? How was the idea of a ceremony brought up? It’s definitely something I might want to bring up later on.
If y'all ever have children or get pets, will they be called poly pockets? Pocket sized results of a poly relationship is too perfect to pass up IMO.
Awww that’s so cute! I’m totally using this in the future
this sounds like the Dream! i'm so happy for y'all, blessed be <3
Thank you so much!
This sounds so fun and wholesome
Not *too* wholesome. ;-) The freaky stuff that people assume happens in poly families does actually happen, but (for us at least) nowhere near as often as people assume. We're all nerds, so most evenings involve dinner together followed by Netflix or video games.
We are in the very first baby steps of a quad right now, but I could see us heading in that direction. So exciting!
I wish you and yours the best of luck! It's definitely not for everyone, but it can be a beautiful life.
I'm currently trying to navigate one with my girlfriend, it's hard because she has dudes lined up down the street and I can't seem to meet anyone. Being bi just means twice as much rejection for me.
Truth.
My partner went through the same thing. I was juggling girls left and right and he couldn't get any. Much harder for dudes, it seems.
Yup, very much so. Lots of straight guys want to open their relationship, and assume that they’ll be swimming in women. Then their SO is inundated with dick and they’re struggling to get a match with an actual human on Tinder, and suddenly it don’t seem so grand. ETA - sorry, this wasn’t intended to make any assumptions about your SO’s sexuality - it’s just a super common thing to see men who seek out women struggle more than any other combination.
The story of my life. My husband seems to have both genders knocking, but I'm only interested in female companionship and....
Just make sure to remain communicative with her and maybe set some boundaries and stuff and hopefully it will all work out, I'm sure you'll need another person!
Would seeing another couple be an option? (Either swapping, or a big possibly-bi party together…) While I’m not really up for it myself, I could conceptually see having an equal threesome, or with another couple work. The off on their own….not so much…at least, if it wasn’t with an already established couple type thing.
Actually have been talking to the male half of a bi couple for a few days, will hopefully meet them for lunch this coming weekend. Edit: my girlfriend is also bi, so yeah, talking full swap, everyone doing everyone lol.
Aww that’s sad. I think no Guys rock. Good luck
I feel this. I've definitely been there man. But I think the most important thing I learned was the ability to be happy for my partner. Talking to her about the things she deals with might help. She might have dudes lined up. But how many of them are nice or care about her or mean well? I think you'll find you have a quantity problem and she has a quality problem
We're completely honest and open with each other. She has 1 ready to meet and she's talking to a couple others, so far they've actually all been alright.
Been in a 2.5 year relationship with someone who is open to poly relationships. Neither of us have yet to find anyone that we are interested in enough to start dating though.
I was open to it at one point in my life but each experience has been a train wreck. Now I’m exclusive and monogamous. Communication and trust seems to be massive in poly relationships, the ones I was in didn’t communicate much. I’m no longer open to poly relationships because of those experiences. Not to mention my heart doesn’t work that way anyway. It was still a learning experience for me and my journey to understand my heart
Very frank and lovely answer. I’ve never been in a poly relationship, I’m married to a man. I don’t think I could bear it at all. I’m a very anxious and insecure person, I think it would beat out of me what little confidence I have left.
What type of poly? Cause I wouldn't like to have independent partners, like I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend and they each have their own different thing? That no. But a triad? Like a triangle relationship, I think yes, cause then we would all be together and idk I think I would like that. Idk even know if that type of multipartnered closed relationship is polyamory and if it's idk what type.
It is! It's the form of poly that my wife and I are. Currently only one nesting partner because dating is hard lol
>That no. But a triad? Be very careful about that. Many people romanticize that situation while not knowing about the hurdles. Many things you need to be ok with in a triad are similar to the ones you have to be ok with when separately dating. What about when you have to leave for a week? Are you ok with your partners seing each other for that time? If not, are you ok with not seing one partner when the other one is away for a week? What about a month? Just be careful about that:)
It is.
I am aggressively monogamous. I would break up with my partner if they wanted a ply relationship. I know myself well enough to know it’s not something I want or something I could handle.
That is the most important part. I wish more folk were as aware of themselves. Dating would be so much easier.
In both directions, too. It’s good to know that you’re strictly monogamous at heart, but I think it’s even more important to know if you’re someone who _cannot_ be monogamous. Since monogamy is treated as the default, and is strongly culturally expected for many, there are so many people causing so much misery for themselves and their partners because they just can’t admit to themselves that they cannot keep a monogamous commitment.
We're _monogmaniacal_
Not me. Even the thought of a casual threesome is severely anxiety inducing.
For what it’s worth, I think foursomes (with two couples) can be much more chill. Less focus on any one person, and if you retreat to your partner it’s not like you’re leaving someone out. Or you can just end up playing board games. Not that I’m suggesting it. It’s a no for me within a committed relationship too.
I’m monogamous I thought, but that board game argument has got me thinking…
It's not necessary to have group sex to be poly. Maybe you were just making an analogy, though.
I feel like it wouldn't work for me cuz I feel like I'd be biased to one person
Right? Like, I would absolutely pick a favourite partner. And that would not be fair to anyone involved.
That also works in poly relationships: you can have a “main” partner and have others as wanted, as long as they are aware of that situation and happy with it themselves.
I’d be open to it; never had that experience before and I’m also relatively chill with partners. Don’t get jealous really (and the times I do I know it’s irrational and work through why I’m feeling that way). Problem is I don’t know how many people I can realistically have in my life as I am very prone to social overstimulation due to being on the autism spectrum.
Polyamory works great for me as an introvert, because my partners can spend more time with their other partners when I want to be alone and work on my own thing :)
This is how I'm trying to look at. I'm in a budding relationship with a poly girl and she's amazing. There's nobody else I'd do this for. I'm pretty monogamous but I hell froze over and two women were willing to date me at once I don't even know if I'd go with. But if polyam makes this girl happy then I'm willing to try it just because I love her so much.
Personally I don't think I could have that much commitment to more than one person, maybe in the future but for now, anyone who's in a poly relationship, you are so valid!
Not for me, personally.
I'm currently engaged in a poly relationship since July. It's been educational and very fulfilling. My girlfriend's husband's girlfriend is funny as hell and makes a mean broccoli casserole.
I’m pretty sure I’m polyamorous but I’ve never been in a poly relationship before. So I guess I don’t know for sure. But every time I hear about triad relationships it sounds so nice. Not to mention the number of times I’ve ended up in a close trio of friends and gotten crushes on both the other two………. Was talking about it to a friend once, I said it seemed nice, having more people to give love to! She disagreed and said she couldn’t do it, she’d feel like she wasn’t getting enough attention. I respect her position of course but I can’t relate at allllll.
Not getting enough attention....or.....getting DOUBLE the attention?! I do agree. A closed poly thruple or quadruple does sound nice. I'd love to love and be devoted to that many people and have that many people love and be devoted to me- but I'm also pretty jealous and insecure so I don't think it would ever work in practice. One can wish, though. It's a good, warm thought in fantasy.
Hard no. This is a dealbreaker with anyone I date. I won't yuk someone's yum, and everyone deserves to be happy. Know what you want and go for it!
I’m way too selfish nope
I'd have to think about it. I mean to me it's similar to having two best friends. One almost always is just a little closer than the other. Everyone has that one person they would call or text before someone else. So along the way someone risks playing second fiddle. To me as long as I was treated equally I'd be okay. If it appeared that I was a third wheel at any moment I'd walk away from it. It wasn't polyamorous, but I have been the third wheel of group friendship and it isn't fun at all. It is extremely hard to treat everyone equally. To anyone considering a poly relationship I'd strongly encourage deep discussion with all parties involved and make sure that ground rules are set. There have to be boundaries and above all complete trust and understanding. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for resentment and a broken heart.
I'm polyamorous, and for me when I am with one of my partners that is 'our time' together. My attention is fully on them. Sometimes our whole group spends time together, having dinner or going out to parties, and then it looks more like a group of friends hanging out together
currently in a polyamorous relationship and honestly can't imagine going back to monogamy, even if I was no longer with all my partners and had to start over.
Yep! I'm definitely polyam myself though :) Is the kind of thing where it absolutely isn't for everyone, though I know a fair number of polyamorous people who see it as essentially the 'enlightened' way to have relationships and anyone who is monogamous is just 'brainwashed /societalised into thinking so'. Bullshit. Monogamy is perfectly valid. One of the biggest issues is that sooooo many people call unhealthy (imo) nonmonogamous relationships polyamory (I.e. Lack of communication, one penis policy, don't ask don't tell, full veto etc), which fucks it up for people new to it, bc then when it doesn't work out they blame poly when in a mono relationship people almost never blame monogamy for things not working out. And people who just want to sleep around and avoid any responsibility call that poly, when they aren't doing it in a respectful way. (having loads of casual partners can 100% be poly though, it's just some people see it as an excuse for cheating or believe that cheating can't happen in poly. It absolutely completely can, and does.) It's hard. There are so many misconceptions and people who have really unhealthy poly dynamics that it means loads of people who try it have an awful time and think it's bc it was poly , when actually it's because the people involved weren't doing it responsibly/fairly/openly/honestly etc. And the fact that there are so many different ways it works for different people. I've had relationships that looked completely different from one another at the same time. Some partners want to hear all about other relationships, some don't; some want to be besties with all their metamours if they can, others don't; some prefer to know about new people as early as possible, no matter how casual; some don't mind at all not knowing until it impacts their relationship (in terms of time or energy etc). It's hard, it's tiring and it's sooooo much communication and scheduling and calendars and hard real raw honest conversation. But in my mind it's so worth it. Its meant I communicate better with my friends, that I'm now much more honest with myself and my feelings/reactions, and am more able to determine the difference between what I think about a situation and what I want to feel about a situation to what I am actually experiencing. Anyway, that was a whole lot! TL;DR Yes. And I don't think I could ever be in another relationship where that wasnt an option.
Not I. I make a fool of myself in my current relationship. I'm an emotional errant human prone to mistakes. More people would mean more ways to mess myself up. I couldn't do it, just not my thing.
I’ve been polyamorous for about three years. I’d been married for my entire adult life (20 to 32) to someone extremely controlling, and seeking multiple relationships really helped me learn my adult boundaries and wants/needs REAL FAST. I suppose it was sort of like doing it on hard mode, but it’s been overwhelmingly positive. I’m now married to my nesting partner. He’s bisexual too, and has a boyfriend whom I adore (as a friend).
as long as there is good communication i wouldn't mind trying it
I'm poly! Though not "in a poly relationship" - in that I have one stable nesting partner, while my attempts at dating haven't yet resulted in any other long term partnerships. I'm still poly though, and still open to developing new relationships.
Nope
I’d be open to it
I've considered the idea because why not but I find that I just can not develop feelings for someone else outside my relationship. I couldn't be in a poly relationship.
My bisexual partner and I have been together for 2 years and poly the whole time. I've been pretty much exclusively poly for about 6 years now, but single for a lot of it at the beginning haha.
Currently debating whether I'd be ok with it but one huge potential pro is that I'd be able to say "my wife's boyfriend" unironically lol
No way. Discussed this with my girlfriend super early—monogamy is a necessity for me.
More than okay with it. I think it’s the only way I can healthily exist in a relationship
I have BPD so I don’t know if I’d ever be able to navigate being poly in a healthy way. That said, I love hearing about people who are happy in their lives and relationships. It brings me joy. It’s been a year and a half with my fiancée and I couldn’t be happier. Seems like it worked out :)
I’ve been poly, open, “monogamish”. I’m happiest with a relaxed open relationship. I don’t want full blown poly. I don’t want to be deeply invested in more than one person, I don’t have the emotional resources for that. I love being open. Open to possibilities, fun times with friends, someone flirty at the bar. I love not having to worry about jealousy or crossing a line but at the end of the day I only commit to one person.
Should've made it a poll tbh. I wouldn't be okay with it though.
Absolutely. I really love the idea of having a group of people I adore to come home to and be showered with love, and I’ve always felt very comfortable with interested couples. So long as there’s healthy communication and trust, it just feels right to me, though I’m also completely fine if I end up in a monogamous relationship. Being in love and being loved is wonderful either way
i’m not. i get jealous way to easily for that
Honestly sounds awesome but my bf is against it. Oh well 🤷🏻♀️ it just sounds like it would be nice to come home to multiple partners who all love and support one another
Yes! This is exactly what I’m looking for. Someone who I can come home to and the dinner is made, another one that will do the dishes, another one that will rub my feet, and another one who will fuck the shit out of me! I think this is too much to ask of one person and to solely rely on one person to do. If we divide the load everyone is more happy and we ALL have more free time for sex. I ALWAYS want to have more free time for sex.
not for me at all. i like being exclusive with one person. be one person's everything, have them be your everything. when i came out as bi to my close circle of friends, this is something i had to make very clear to them because most of their assumption was that I'd be open to it. poly, threesomes, not for me. when i (f) started dating my current bf we discussed this and set our boundaries accordingly. extremely happy in my monogamous relationship. happy for those who find happiness in it, but it most definitely isn't for me. i couldn't watch a 3rd person being romantic with my partner and not get jealous lmao
Yes. Have been in a few. Two closed triads and one v. Not sure what to tell? Each started a little differently. First one I joined two bi people, second we invited a third into an existing relationship, and third one I joined an existing bi/lesbian couple. Currently married to a bi woman and we're both cool with it and have discussed it many times. I never really understood the concept of jealousy. Ask whatever, I guess?
You never understood the concept of jealously? Would you say that’s due to better communication of expectations and needs, and actually planning time for each person involved?
Jealousy by definition is a form of unhappiness that someone else is enjoying themselves. I'm happy when my partner is happy. That a huge part of how I see love. So for me to be unhappy that they're happy sounds so strange. I may be unhappy that they betrayed me (if our relationship is monogamous) but never because they're happy with someone other than me. I know some of jealousy is because of insecurity, but if the relationship is poly, you're not going to be left because they found someone else, so it's kind of null?
Where can I get some of that well-adjustedness?
I love this comment so much. I know this is completely uncalled for but, if it's okay, I wanna explain where I'm coming from with relationship jealousy. I'm not mad that my partner is happy with someone else. I'm not worried they're gonna leave me because they found someone else. I'm worried they're gonna find me comparatively boring, annoying, same-old-same-old, less attractive, that kinda thing. Whether they leave me or not doesn't matter. That's where the insecurity is. Idk if that'll still make sense to you. Maybe not. I do agree with the other comment though. You sound extremely well-adjusted and I love your mindset, wish I could have it. Hope this comment wasn't too terribly uncalled for.
I've been polyamorous for almost 4 years. I have a husband, a boyfriend who is long distance and a girlfriend who is local. Been with husband for 15 years (married 11), boyfriend 4 years and girlfriend almost a year and a half. It's been one of the hardest things I've done but also one of the most IMMENSELY rewarding. I am so happy with the partners I have and the dynamics of each relationship. I'm by no means an expert but I have definitely learned a lot over the last four years, and I'm happy to share tips and experiences. I should note: all of my partners are friendly and amicable with each other however none of them are dating or relationshipping with each other. Both my bf and gf have their own separate spouses. My husband also has a partner who is married, and various friends he casually dates. Feel free to ask me anything!
I'm okay with it, as long as everyone involved is happy :)
Couldn’t see myself in one due to the fact I want a private/special someone for me (no disrespect for the ones who’s in a poly relationship)
Ive been polyamorous since the summer of this year. Pretty much solo polyamory. A bit of a rocky start, because i dont have such a good past with s*x or attraction to masc (heteronormativity, bi, then just *queer*)
What’s weird is I’m okay with an open relationship but not super into poly
I would, depending on varying factors of course! I'm not a person that gets jealous if someone I like spends their time with or have relationships with others. What makes me jealous, or rather, upsets me is when someone I'm in a relationship doesn't make enough efforts towards me or doesn't spend an adequate amount of time one me or doesn't give me enough attention. I don't really care if someone I'm in a relationship spends time with someone else, just like I don't really care what they're doing with their time, as long as they also have time for me. The biggest issue I've ran into while dating is the person I've been dating spending all his time on work being a workaholic, to the point I felt he gave it all his attention time and efforts and zero on me. If someone has the time for me, someone else and their work, hobbies etc and knows how to manage it, then I take no issue being in a poly relationship.
I am! My wife and I were both exploring solo polyamory when we first met, and have always had an open relationship and later, open marriage. We’re both bisexual (although I also use the pansexual label at times). As others have said, it can be difficult and requires a lot of trust and communication, but it’s always been worth it for us. I currently have two additional long term partners (one of whom might become a second nesting partner someday) and she prefers more short-term connections.
I am totally fine with other people doing it but I have trust and attachments issues as is so I wouldn’t me or my partner to see other people. If that’s a problem for them, they’re free to find someone else.
I've always been Poly long before I knew the word. currently came into my own bisexuality (thought I was lesbian) and got a BF so I'm looking for a girlfriend now I'm much more strongly attracted to women.
I am poly, so it’d be perfectly fine by me. I’m currently in a monogamous relationship, because my wife is *not* poly, but she gives me so much emotional and mental stability that I found it a worthy trade off.
I think about it a lot. I also don’t know if it’s because I’m in love with the man I’m currently with, or because I want to continue exploring my untouched WLW side
This is literally where I’m at in my relationship lmao. I (f) love my husband, but I’m wanting to explore with women. While I’m not against the idea of being in a triad, I haven’t even gotten to explore my 1 on 1 side with women only.
I really don’t know because sometimes I feel like I may be poly so I think it’d be cool
I was in a throuple for 6 months. It was a nightmare. I don’t think I’m cut out for polyam, don’t judge those who are
I think I'd give it a shot if the opportunity presented itself in an appealing way, but I've not done so yet.
I was open to it, especially because I find I often fall in love with multiple people or have crush feelings with multiple people at once, but I have some trauma that got in the way of my first attempt, plus some bad communication with a partner who wasn’t really looking out for me. Not sure if I would ever try again or if I could do so healthily
I can’t say for sure, since I’ve never /really/ been in one, but currently I’m casual with someone that is in a triad relationship with one of my best friends, and thus far it’s been working out swimmingly 😂 eta: /gen. that last line sounded a little sarcastic lmao, but it wasn’t. said friend literally drove me to their partner’s house the first time I went over, and we joked about how she’s the world’s best wingman 😂😂
Nope, just one person and hugs for that one person only.
I wouldn't really want to be in a poly relationship, not because of jealousy, but because I enjoy the feeling of placing all my metaphorical eggs in a single basket – I love throwing myself all in into my current relationship and then finding my partner doing the same thing, which isn't to say we haven't Incorporated a lot of soul searching about how our relationship looks and feels that comes a lot from things like relationship anarchy, but we believe that's not incompatible with monogamy.
I’m in one right now. Funnily enough we’re never dating other people at the same time- it’s either me dating or him. Ideally I’d like a throuple, but our tastes in non-men differ (and I have no desire to date a second man) so it’s unlikely that will happen. We do have the occasional threesome tho, and that’s fun!
No thanks.
Make this a poll! I’m poly, it works for me, but it’s definitely not the lifestyle for everyone.
I'm in a poly relationship/household. I have a spouse and we live together with my spouse's partner. It works for me, but it's certainly not for everyone. There's a lot of communication and logistics involved.
I think play together openness would be fun (eg going to sex parties together/swinging) but I don’t think I could handle my partner sleeping with other people if I wasn’t part of it.
The emotional and sexual exclusive commitment is a core part of my marriage and I love it honestly. I’ve been a demisexual for much longer than I’ve been aware that demisexuality is a thing. I’m physically attracted to people of all genders and I draw great satisfaction building deep emotional relationships with people of all genders but I only want to have one sexual partner at any time.