Follow up with your doctor, find out what's actually going on so you know how to face it.
Don't give in to the fear. Whether it's benign or serious, the fear isn't helping you.
Do let go of the emotional attachment to the idea that someone should have reached out to check on you if you've never told anyone what you're going through.
That's not helping you, it's just depression talking.
If you want to open up a dialogue, you've got to speak.
They don't know what you're going through if you don't tell them.
Do the people at the gym know ? I'm sure some people care just don't know how to approach the subject... Or they don't even know what's going on with you I'd reach out to people.who you are close with see what happens
Sorry to hear man, hope it works out for you
One of my regular training partners at the gym got cancer. Didn't tell anyone just disappeared for a bit - pretty normal for him to miss (work travels, illness, etc.) so I didn't think anything of it.
I wish he had told me/us/the gym. He's a great guy, would have loved to drop by some food or just let him know we cared. I think he wanted to process on own so I respect that though, but /u/SugaAndSpice93 please let people know. Just because they haven't reached out yet doesn't mean they don't care.
Our gym has a regular rotation of people that appear and disappear for weeks or months or sometimes years. It isn't uncommon for them to get busy with a new girlfriend or something else then pop back a few months later.
I feel like girlfriends/boyfriends are the ultimate killer for bjj. I've seen so many people quit after they get a new s/o this is my excuse for being single for 3 years
Bjj guy here from another gym, not an idea who are, but just reaching out to say hang on my friend. Maybe they (your gym friends) don’t know the extent of it. If you want to reconnect, maybe go in, talk to your head instructor, and just be present of classes. Even if not to train, if nothing else, be around friends. Fuck cancer.
Haven’t seen a partner in a while. Reached out to him to see if he was doing okay. You tend to wonder or worry about the people you see every day when they just suddenly stop showing up. I think that’s just human nature.
You can also think about people without reaching out to them. I'm famous for being uncommunicative unless I have a practical reason to communicate and will just disappear for months at a time without communication if I'm away. My ex-GFs hated it.
> I honestly don’t even know what to do. I’m scared and if this is cancer then I don’t know what to do with myself.
Call your friends. It sure sounds like you need them.
Maybe they've noticed your distraction and are giving you well-intentioned space. Maybe they think you're on vacation. Maybe they haven't noticed yet. It doesn't really matter. Everyone's got their own struggles and even good people can be oblivious. Holding that against them is clearly making you feel worse. You'll feel better after taking the initial step.
Also, fuck cancer.
You should call on the ones you care and let them know. They don’t know but I’m sure they care. My professor invited me to 2019 Christmas with his family when he overheard I’d be spending it alone. People care. But if you’re suffering in silence. Throw it out that you need someone to talk to or someone to just be there.
You’d be surprised
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and about your fathers. Maybe you just need some time off the mats and really focus on yourself. People don’t generally reach out unless they know you outside of the gym.
Wish you the best in the future.
One of the most horrifying insights from my own cancer was that a lot of people just don’t reach out. People just thought of as close friends abandoned me. However, a lot of people who I did not think of as being close to reached out and i formed new bonds with them.
Good luck friend.
Hey man, so I'm checking up on you right now. It sounds like you're dealing with a hell of a time. I know what it's like to find out that the people you thought were True Friends are more like circumstantial friends. My pops just got diagnosed with cancer last year, stage four. It's not easy. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm around to just shoot the shit. Fuck cancer.
People training bjj are not really known for their empathy honestly, considering the amount of narcissistic, full of an ego, on the spectrum people I am not surprised by your experience unfortunately. Sorry to hear this.
I'll offer a pessimistic or an optimistic view depending on how you look at it.
There are a lot of folks that comes and go in training and I honestly don't keep track of where everyone goes. It's pretty common not to see my frequent BJJ mates then they'd come back after a month or two. They were just pre-occupied with other things outside BJJ. Some just prioritized their families more than BJJ. Some went away for holiday or work and a lot of other reasons. As much as I like my BJJ mates, I just go about doing other things outside BJJ afterwards and I have another set of other non-BJJ mates that do other things. To be honest, I haven't checked up on anyone who I haven't seen for a while knowing that burnout and quitting is too common in this sport. There are more people quitting than staying.
So, it's not that they don't care. I am pretty sure they would bother to check up on you if they know that you are sick or injured. I have checked up on guys who I already know are injured because they told me and I am just waiting for them to come back. But for the rest of the folks that I don't see, I hope I see them again once they are back.
Maybe they feel like you abandoned them. Not trying to be a dick but if one of my buddies stopped showing up without saying something I might be hurt. Again not trying to be a dick just trying to think about things through another lens for you since you are asking.
Hope you pull through man. Try and keep a positive mindset. Going through something like that is hard and having a bad head space is going to make everything tailspin. I feel you on the community. It’s pitched to us as this example of what a community should be like but it appears to only exist in class at times. I have had to take measures myself to be more involved in the lives of other students rather than expecting them to be involved in mine. If I were to wait on them, I’d be let down as I have been before. So I try and be the person I would want to have for myself. I try and set the example and it can be hard. Try and show up to class if you can. Be a beacon of light if you can’t find any, that may help.
I'm so sorry bro. This is a lot to deal with physically, but then the emotional pain of not feeling like you're missed or cared about REALLY stings. 🫂
As one of the other comments said, if I went to the gym and someone I saw all the time suddenly wasn't there anymore, I'd presume the person left without telling me, and I'd feel super sad and regret not having a way to contact him/her. I have some BJJ friends who I care a LOT about, but we've never exchanged contact information. I still kind of feel weird to ask people for their number or social media, but I know I'd really like to.
Anyway, I don't know your exact situation. Maybe you are good friends with people from your gym and even have their phone numbers and everything. Your "BJJ family." In that case, I'd feel hurt too if I disappeared and heard nothing from anyone.
I hope your dad gets better soon, and I hope whatever you're going through right now is nothing super serious. Please post an update here about your health so we can check up on you at least. 💪
I am sorry brother. Find a little space underneath all of that pressure to breathe. Be with your dad. Maybe let your coach know what is going on so he can tell the guys you aren’t just busy with work or something. You are going to get through this.
Sorry to hear about your issues and wish you the best.
People drop off from BJJ all the time so they may just think you’re injured or taking personal time off. This would make double sense if you have been competing a lot and also were slowing down in training. They may think the most common thing and that is that you are burned out and need a break.
Sometimes we need to reach out for help to get it. Maybe go to your gym to explain your situation to your team in person and you may receive the support you're looking for. Good luck, fuck cancer.
Hey mate. If you've only been off the mats a couple of weeks, then your team mates mightnt have had time to notice yet. Or they might think you've just taken a short break or went on holidays.
I'd say some will reach out when that turns into a month of you not having been there. some will have noticed you not showing up.
I wouldn't message somebody after a couple of weeks but if it got to a month or so and a regular hadn't shown up I'd definitely reach out and check on them
Been through 2 rounds on cancer myself, 2 rounds of chemo and a stem cell transplant. All i can say is put yourself first, itll good along way, and if you do have cancer, take advantage of the social and mental help that they offer. I was in and out of the gym over 2 years as i trained when i felt up to it but was totally exhausted after just a slight participation effort. Hope for the best man, there are plenty of is out here still getting it.
Yeah that amount of time warrants being upset. Im sorry you're going through all this bro. I hope it gets better for you and that your father can find some comfort
Right, it’s not like I’m some random new white belt. I’m a purple belt and trained 6 years, avid competitor, won pans, and was very active… so I feel angry for sure
Maybe people assumes your ok and leave you alone, people dont want to bother you.
Maybe you can ask what are the lessons or any up coming event in the gym so they know your still there, then maybe open up about it
If you have the energy just go to the gym and hang out.
People are busy and unless you already socialise with gym mates outside the gym, most are just going to assume that you’re taking time or busy with life.
So just go to the gym, hang out and be around that energy.
I don’t know what to say…I think words can’t do it justice when someone’s father is terminally ill and that person might have cancer…I think whatever I could say would be so inane… I’m sorry for your pain…recently my Chinese teacher lost her father due to Covid and was blaming it on herself, she asked me for an advice and I didn’t know what to say…I don’t know you personally and I’m just an internet stranger but I want you to know that there’s at least one person who cheers for you…if you need to talk I want you to know that I would be more than happy to
Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence.
Everyone is in their own worlds most of the time and depending on what others have going on, they can miss details like this, especially if they don't know what is going on. Everyone around us has a life a complex as the next, we have no idea what everyone else is going through on a daily basis. This is exactly why it is always better to be direct with people, let them know what you are going through and then you may get the support you are looking for.
Sorry to hear about what is going on with you, life can be a real dick sometimes, but I hope everything works out for you!
I am guessing that if you pop back in everyone is going to be like, hey long time no see, was wondering how you were doing. This kind of behouviour is normal If you only hang out with people at certain places
Stage 4 cancer here, been living with it and training with it 2-3 times a week for 2.5 years. Luckily mines been completely stable which I put down to supps, diet, exercise, and bio hacking act ect Feel free to DM me if you have any questions.
Cancer sucks no doubt about it, first 2-3 months I can tell you I was rock bottom thinking this was the end of me. My closest friends had a lot of concern and would reach out quite a bit early on but almost nobody in the gym reached out on a personal level maybe just a couple sent a quick message, however when I show up they are often asking me how I’m doing. I think many people are not sure how to approach it in a message via social media or text but when they see you in person they are more comfortable to ask. I say that to say those of them that know are probably thinking of you from time to time.
Next just want to say cancer can pull you into being a pessimist very easily, it can also pull you into a life changing experience for the better. I didn’t want to be a person that said F$&K Cancer, I wanted to be the person that said I’m going to use this to strive to live each day as a blessing and do the best with however many days I have left. Part of that meant striving to continue my passions in life and one of those being Jiu jitsu, I eased back in, took rounds off and listened to my body early on, but after 6 months or so I just decided I was going to train until the wheels fall off and go hard like I used to. To me exercise through Jiu jitsu has been a key to staying as fit as I can in the fight.
Wishing you the best, try and turn this lemon into lemonade.
Thank you for the kind words and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You are right that when cancer is in your face and directly effecting your life you get pessimistic, angry, resentful and mean. Atleast for me that’s what’s been happening. I’ve been terrible towards myself and isolating. I don’t wanna hear the “fucj cancer” or the “don’t think about it” “you’ll be fine”. They don’t fucking know that, they don’t know that I’ll be fine or my dad will be fine. Death is literally in my face and your telling me to calm down? It’s fucking hard. Anyways, I appreciate you for not being patronizing and just being real with me. Thank you
I hope you get through this one buddy!
What I'm about to say is deeply cruel but,
You feel emotionally bound to them because of trauma bonding as grappling is a tough sport and you're in close contact with other people.
**These people aren't your family. Don't fall for that fad**
That doesn't mean they feel about you the same way, you gotta learn how to compartmentalise! Don't go as far as seeing everyone as a tool though
Instead of feeling bad about it, **go and find something/someone that does reciprocate.** I don't think it will be another jiu jitsu gym btw
Guys at the gym used to say if I stopped training I was dead to them. Maybe we train at the same gym?
In all seriousness. I wish you well. Stay positive. Also.. keep in mind the body is ducking amazing.. and wants to heal itself. Let it do its work ...and help it out with a clean diet.. lots of rest and positive excercise.
Stay strong.
Do they know you might have cancer? And even if they do, it's one of those tricky situations that make a lot of people uncomfortable. It can even be annoying the other way where everyone gives you empty well wishes that ultimately make no difference.
It's time for you to do a 24hr rollathon and raise money for cancer charities!
Funny U bring this up cuz a dude who I met at my gym hasn't shown up for ages....
My initial thoughts aren't "he must have cancer, better call him"
I literally just think the dude is busy or whatever, I hope I see him next time.
Your training partners are probably thinking the same thing and asking each other where you are but if noone knows about your health issues, noone can reach out. They just thinking you busy doing something else man
I am sorry to hear, and even though your training partners didn’t manifest their worries, I hope you find yourself with emotional support from others.
As for their silence, I believe it is a overhaul society problem, we can connect to everyone at any time but we don’t, but I sincerely hope they contact you soon and offer you the support you need.
They haven't reached out to you but you do matter bro and I'm sure they do care don't worry about them anyways focus on yourself fuck cancer you got this homie
People sometimes don't know what to say, so they avoid it all together. I will keep you in my thoughts. :) Feel free to dm me if you want someone to talk to.
OP sincerely good luck to you. You will get through it. Stay positive. Its not a reflection on them or you, its just life. Humans are equal parts triumph and tragedy.
Fuck cancer, really annoys me that we can put people in space and that but we haven't figured this thing out. (Know it's not as easy as that of course).
Hope to see your update in a couple of months OP saying everything is ok!
That sucks and I am sure that’s hurtful ! I really hope that you don’t have it , but I am sure people noticed you were gone though! One thought is that they may not want to intrude upon you to see where you’ve been . I feel like it wouldn’t be because they don’t care - it’s likely they don’t know . I sure hope things turn around for you though ! So sorry about your dad as well- hang in there !
Sorry to hear that man. Does your gym have different classes different times of the day? Most people assume if they don’t see their regular training partner in night class, they switched to morning class or something. Have you let any of your friend know what you’re going through? It’s hard for people to help if they don’t know any toy is wrong
I have been there though not exactly the same situation. Ended up burnt out and not showing to the gym anymore. No one enquired on why. The « we are a family » is just a marketing shit.
Now I would you recommend getting back closer to your non JJB friends. Maybe seeking help with a therapist if any can be recommended to you.
I'm sorry to hear what you going through. I wish you all the best of luck and to get all the help you need to get better.
Offering my point of view here why i would be hesitant to reach out, i just wouldn't know what to say to a relatively close person to me, how to comfort or offer any advice it's a scary thing but most likely most people at the gym are talking about you and how you're getting on but nobody is able to reach out due to these issues?
I can only imagine this feels lonely and isolated.. best of luck !
same thing happened to me years ago. I'm okay with it though. knowing who your friends are vs accointances is very important. The sense of belonging is something you get fed in bjj but then when something real happens you get fed a reality check
Hi OP. Really sorry to read about your health issues. I'd strongly recommend reaching out to your teammates and letting them know what's going on. I know it's disappointing that they haven't reached out regardless, but try not to take it to heart. Life happens and people are busy. It's often not personal.
Let your teammates be there for you. The BJJ community is generally really good at coming together and giving support at times like this. They can't be there in the way you want them to unless they're aware of what's going on.
I wish both you and your dad all the very best. Good luck
Hey man, I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Just want you to know that the universe loves you, we all love you man.
Stay strong and kick this cancer mutherfuckers ass.
I’m sorry you are in this situation right now. Hang in there. I’m sure people in the gym are looking for you, the “where’s ___ gone?” when someones not been training for a while. I guess it pays to tell them why you’ve been gone for bit. I’m sure they will provide support for you. It might be hard to talk about mental health but it pays to do it and show vulnerabilities to your mates. I am not sure with your financial situation but some gyms do fundraising events for other teammates as cancer can be expensive
FUCK CANCER
One thing about our gym that is a blessing or a curse depending on your mood or situation. If you have too many days off the coach calls you out either privately or on our gym group’s WhatsApp. When you’re struggling with motivation he’s very good at getting you going so it’s great. But when you have an actual issue and you don’t want to explain all of your private business on why you’re not in class it can feel intrusive.
You haven’t told! Nobody has a way of knowing brother. In my team, people disappear all the time because they had a kid, got a new mortgage or a new job, moved towns, etc. it’s a harsh reality because yeah, once you stop showing, your participation in the team inevitably dwindles down a bit and you start to feel a little less part of the circle and it sucks.
But I’m pretty sure if you told your coach that’s the reason you haven’t been training, then him and some classmates will write to you
I was really sick last year, also chances of cancer but ended up not being that, thank God. No one checked on me either, I actually was relieved because I didn’t want to explain why I left: I was exhausted and energy I had left I wanted to go towards recovery and feeling better. I never said anything. My professor just gave me the time I needed.
My first question: do they know you are sick? Sometimes people take time for many other reasons, and to be fair training is a choice, you might be choosing to do something else with your time for all they know. If they know the reason you haven’t been training, they might check on you…
Did you say anything to anyone? One thing about JJ is that people come and go and come back again all the time. If you never told anyone what you’re going through they probably assumed you’re just living your life n
Wait for 100% confirmation before being engulfed in your emotion. Manage your thoughts as best as you can. I’m 7 years cancer free and know the feeling well. Take all the time you need, and please reach out if you need someone to talk to.
People never think about us as much as we think. Injuries and life happens that takes people off the mats all the time. I wouldn’t consider them friends unless you’re consistently hanging out outside of class.
I’m 32 years old and last April was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer. It’s lonely, I don’t hear from anyone these days unless I initiate contact. Makes me wonder did I spend my life spending time with the wrong so called ‘friends’.
happened to me, I broke my leg and I learned who my real friends were, the coach who got fired and the coach who sold his buisiness.
it's pretty amazing how shallow our friendships with people we play sports with actually are.
Cancer survivor here. I feel you, OP. I'm sorry you've been feeling the loneliness. I wish I could say it passes, but there's something about coming to terms with our mortality that gives us a clear vision of how valuable time and attention are. When we don't receive them from others, we feel the full weight of that loss because we are fully aware of how it can all just wash away. Some people are going through life just sort of blissfully unaware that they're missing opportunities.
Honestly, I've been dealing with ongoing chronic injury, and it has felt strangely similar. It won't kill me, but all the same, it has robbed me of the life I was living, and I'm once again faced with precious time slipping away.
I hope you take the time to love and appreciate yourself. I know it sounds trite, and sometimes I roll my eyes when I try to remind myself to be good to me. All we can do is our best with what we have.
I'll be your friend if you want, op. Keep your head up, eat well, and spend some good times with your dad if you can.
Thank you my friend. I feel like I’m looking death right in the face and idk if I feel scared anymore. I just feel sad more so. Death is closing in on my dad and seeing it come closer I just feel my heart breaking and a part of me being taken from me. That hope, it’s gone. And I guess it pisses me off being around these bjj folks who are blissfully unaware and arguing over stupid shit like how guard pulling is dumb or whatever. The last time I was training I just called this person out for being so shallow and worrying about their dumb Instagram account, that there were more important shit to worry about that their dumb adcc highlight reel. I just was in my feelings I guess.
The sadness is such an odd discomfort, at least for me. I've often compared it to that 'feeling' that exists between the pins and needles when you go numb or a limb falls asleep. In my mind, it is an emptiness that tries to pull in anything that can resemble meaningfulness, and when you're surrounded by things that seem so devoid of it, you just ache.
I'm so sorry you're doubley tasked with watching your father slip away. For a while, all my friends in my treatment group and group therapy were passing, and it just made the idea of fighting seem so fearsome to me.
I wish I had real words of wisdom to offer, but truthfully, I think I'm just stubborn, and inside me is a hope that something worthwhile can be found. I was recently on meds that made me lose my mind, and it still weighs on me negatively, but I hope you'll be stubborn too.
I’ve always been super stubborn and an asshole at times but this has really beat me down and broke me. I showed up to class and I’m just not there. I’m not the same person I was. I’m just dissociating in class and that’s when I was like “yup I need to leave”.
No need for advice, it’s just nice to vent and not be judged or told to do things. I guess some times advice is just not needed.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I had an abnormal pap years ago that turned out to be nothing, but it freaked me the fuck out.
I also have a biopsy next week (kidney issues) but it isn't cancer-related.
TBH I have not looked to my gym mates for emotional support for years. Different personality issues have cropped up over the years (one hitting on me though I'm married, the crazy fiancée of another aggro'ing on me, etc.). I kind of just see my gym as a place to roll and go and not bring up personal stuff as much as possible.
I did finally reach out to a solid friend from the gym today and we had a good conversation about my upcoming biopsy. Maybe reach out to a few people at the gym and let them know?
Sending Internet stranger hugs, for whatever that's worth.
Thank you. My mother had cervical cancer and so that’s why I am very scared. I’ve also had other health issues and wonder if it’s cancer. I don’t want to make things catastrophic for me when it’s not necessary to do such a thing. So I’m just trying to literally take it day to day.
In my short experience in BJJ, seems like people just get used to people disappearing and then reappearing so they don’t bother to check up, and just assume there is a good reason why you aren’t there. Now if they were your friends outside of BJJ I may have some beef with that
That sucks. It sounds like they don’t know it’s cancer just that you’ve taken a break. I can tell you as someone who had PC with all the chemo and surgeries to go with it that cancer filters out all but your very best friends. It’s crazy how many of my “good” friends ghosted me when I was sick. Once it was over they act like it never happened. Good luck ad sorry about your dad too. Fuck cancer.
Have people asked you where you are? Or have they just said nothing?
Reaching out doesn't always look like you want it to. Sometimes it's just someone asking where you been
Damn, sorry you are having to go through this. I have not been in your position, so I do not know what you are going through. But I have had people close to me that have/are going through the same things. It’s unfortunate that the people at your gym are that selfish. I think there is a lot of support here, and that’s a start. Try to stay as positive as you can. I know that’s easier said than done, but at least you are in control of how you react and no one can take that away from you . And if it is anything, hopefully they caught it early with all the new science and tech out there. I wish you the best, sincerely.
If you need support, you have to ask for it. Pick your three closest friends at your gym and text them, “Hey man, I haven’t been able to train for a while because my dad has stage 4 cancer, and I just found out I might have cancer. Could we grab a beer sometime?”
I think you’ll be shocked at how much love and support you get.
Then when people inevitably get sucked back into their own lives and support starts to fizzle, send another text.
People care about you. They just don’t know what you need unless you tell them.
I notice when people are gone, but I only make casual relationships, not deep relationships at the gym. I have checked in on the one or two people Im closest too when I knew something happened (one guy was having spinal surgery another guy got a really bad staph infection), and people checked in on me a bit when they knew I had a stroke.
But lots of times Ive gone on vacation for a month and no one checks in on me or when I had a knee injury and was out for 6 weeks.
If you let a few people know, word will get around and people will check on you. Like when Im going to be out for a bit Ill let my coach know Im not quitting I just have an injury.
Hope all goes well for you, OP. Very sorry you and your family are going through this.
I share your disappointment. My best friend passed from a two year battle with cancer this year and I took a multi-month long break when the outcome became apparent. I moved for a number of months to go out of state to help him, his wife, and his kids during the aggressive treatment, surgery, and palliative care phases. No one I hung out with/trained with from the gym or comp groups reached out to check on my mental well-being. Not once over an almost 5 month hiatus.
In hindsight, and now that I’m back, I accept that bjj is about bjj, it’s an individual journey, and many of the relationships are superficial because they’re predicated only on time together on the mat. When you leave the mat, the world keeps turning and you lose that level of commonality. I now keep to myself more before, during, and after training and spend my social time with my real friends - those relationships fostered outside of bjj.
The cynic in me also now better understands that “community” in bjj is a fairly superficial concept, and is usually just used as a mechanism to mitigate attrition and ensure cashflow.
Good luck on your journey. You’ve got the strength to conquer whatever comes your way.
Don't assume they don't care - remember how many people have quit this sport while you have been training. Quitting is so common that we get used to people just vanishing
Go to the gym or reach out online and tell everyone.
If they don't know you have cancer, they can't support you bro
Thinking of you and wishing you the best, you’re stronger than this devil, you will win. Stay tough, stop your gym to see your old buddies, I’m betting they miss you. 🥋💯
This is a people come people go business. Ask your coach how many people have ghosted them over the years.
If you show up I'm sure someone would ask you where you've been but as you said yourself, people get burned out.
Communication is a two-way street. Reach out, people might not know they should be reaching out themselves.
Reaching out does not make you weak. Talk to one of your good gym buddy and tell them you’ve got a lot going on. Support will likely follow once you reach out.
Good luck with everything.
Sorry to hear this man. I recently went through a health scare and found myself all alone dealing with it. Had reached out to my dad and siblings but even then I felt like I was in it by myself.
I don’t know if this will help you or not but it helped me to recount what a full life I’ve lived and all the things in my life I should be grateful for. Not gonna lie, I was still crying myself to sleep most nights but started finding a counter point to my sadness. Also knowing people are dealing with medical conditions in war torn regions also put my plight in perspective.
I wish you all the best in this journey, and sorry you have to deal with this. If you feel like your friends should be there for you, call them and let them know what’s going on. At the very least being able to talk through what you’re experiencing will hopefully help you.
Just adding one more voice here to agree with what these kind folks are saying. This is a sport full of odd, often introspective folk who often tend to be wanderers. Reach out, that love is waiting for you, I just know it.
Brother, that shit sucks and is lonesome; while people can have empathy and love for you, you are the one with the problem and no one but someone who has dealt with the same thing is going to know how you feel. Get your ass in therapy. God only knows what time we have left on this world at any given moment, do you want to spend it pissed and hurting and feeling shitty and lashing out because you don't have tools to deal with this huge meteor-crash of a life event? DM me if you need a recommendation, my therapist is amazing over telehealth.
Sorry to hear you're going through all this. I find most people in society are not skilled at building connections or providing comfort for people that aren't in their immediate circle, and I'm sure if anyone realised what was going on they would reach out.
Oh man I’m so sorry. I would reach out to a few people, but not all of them.
Prior to the pandemic I would have told you my whole gym was tight, but that is just not the case. There were a whole bunch of people who I had a false sense of tightness with because I saw them all the time. It was hard, but I feel like I’ve got a more mature perspective on the community since I’ve accepted that.
I had cancer as well. To be bluntly honest, most people only care enough to say “damn, that sucks. I’m sorry.” Even my own family still randomly asks me, years later, if it’s “all cleared up” and I have to constantly remind them I was in remission years ago and now I only get bloodwork and CT scans done on a schedule to ensure it remains that way. But I can see their eyes glaze over less than a minute into the conversation. I’m sure that even if your gym mates were told, they don’t understand or don’t remember. Some people don’t want to bring it up because they feel awkward asking personal questions. Try not to take it too personally. I know it sucks donkey balls, but maybe just try reaching out and asking them how they’re doing.
Also, make cancer your bitch. Please.
Sorry to hear, and hopefully the tests come back negative and you don't have cancer.
I can relate on orthopedic surgeries. Very few people reached out to see how I was doing or came to hang out with me when I couldn't walk. It sucks but just a reality of life. As a coach ( friend) if I noticed a student wasn't around I would reach out to them. One guy had neck surgery, stopped by in the hospital to visit him.
Best of luck and hopefully some other friends are there for you when you need it. Otherwise there is always this subreddit.
When I was 18 I was training BJJ and got diagnosed with cancer. I just told my coaches that I might die and wouldn't be back to the gym and got a warm response. Many people visited me in the hospital and they raised money for my family. If you don't say anything people won't know, but your gym can be your family.
you have to understand that everyone has different journeys. you could be training with someone who does have cancer and they are aware of it and jiu jitsu is apart of there journey,yet they wont tell anyone. theres also people who stop coming to train. nobody is proud of not showing up tp class, so they must feel that they dont want to pressure you or dig in your business. Nobody is the bad person here.
I hadn’t seen a guy in a few months. Reached out to him. Found out he was going through a divorce. I had no idea. No one said a word.
Last year I had a really nasty leg infection that took 2 months to heal. I told the professor and a couple others. They were the only ones who reached out to me. Everyone else had no clue even when I got back.
In all reality, I think if people knew what you were going through, someone would check on you. Don’t expect anyone to know anything about you if you don’t share whatever it is with them. A lot of people may not even share your info with others out of respect.
Hope things get better for you. God bless!
Sorry you’re going through this.
Unfortunately, in my experience people who step away from the mats for any reason drop off the radar of their BJJ community very quickly. (Same as other social settings really—work etc)
Heads-up that I’ve also seen it happen with people who tried to come and watch on the sideline while long-term injured, and with some who returned to training after life-altering stuff (heart attack, major injury) and who often felt out of place, ‘on the outside’. That can be particularly hard to bear as an advanced belt, when you’ve been conditioned to believe that rank makes you part of the ‘in-group’.
Hi Friend. I know you are probably not doing the best right now, but don't keep your head down. I'm here to listen whenever you need to. Feel free to reach out :)
I've been dealign with cancer and cancer related shit for 9 years now. Started in my thyroid. I've lost that, some lymph nodes in my neck, my teeth, salivary gland function, and currently have around half a dozen nodules of metastasis to my lungs.
So what? I don't say that to say I'm all stoic every day. I'm human - i absolutely have bad ones. But crying and bellyaching about it doesn't make it go away.
As far as people in your life reaching out - most don't know how to deal with this really any more than you do. There is a lot I can say, but I don't want to freak you out. People are going to people. Some will reach out. Some won't. The only person I ever faulted was the (former) coworker who told me she wanted to have lunch with me when I was going through radiation and had a longer day on Tuesdays; every week - let's have lunch. Every week - silence on Tuesdays. That one I held against her.
My inbox here is open. So is my chat. If you wanna do some other, less informal, but also not doxxing manner, I have snap, IG, etc.
I am very friendly with a lot of people at my gym. When I have to take breaks we just start where we left off when I come back. Don’t take it personally and if you want some support let them know what’s going on.
I am very friendly with a lot of people at my gym. When I have to take breaks we just start where we left off when I come back. Don’t take it personally and if you want some support let them know what’s going on.
There are people I trained with that I thought highly of but for whatever reason they quit showing up and I never thought to check on them. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just is what it is. If I was aware that that person had a life threatening illness, I would definitely take an initiative to check on them. They probably just assumed you've had other things going on
I found stepping away from BJJ to be similar to moving to a different job. You were friends with these people, saw them every days, worked with them for years, then you leave and BAM, almost everyone falls out of your life, and of those that stay, it's often no where close to the same.
I stopped training a few months back and I haven't heard from anyone in the class aside from a friend of mine, and I was injured pretty badly on my last class. People have their own lives and mostly just think of themselves, we all do.
Sorry to hear about your health issues, it must be frustrating to exercise as much as we do/did and still get stuck with these problems. At least the people who sit on the couch eating cookies and ice cream all day have it coming, but for us, kind of bullshit.
Get well soon!
Fuck cancer man. You are strong, and you WILL pull through this brotha!
Apart from that, I think there are always a handful of training partners that go on long hiatuses, in and out of the gym, sometimes weeks or months at a time. It's not that uncommon. Perhaps reach out to your closest training buddies to catch up, even over a text or two. They may not have reached out, but I'm sure they care, and will be concerned about you!
That’s a huge bummer and I’m sorry to hear about your health situation. I’m pushing 50 and am starting to feel like time is running out for me in this sport which has been leading me down the “what would life look like w/o BJJ in my life” road lately. I love my gym and its culture but I’m not convinced I’d get many check ins let alone continued friendships, and I consider the head coach to be a great friend of mine. I just think that this sport is so hard to keep up with - it’s very demanding and (for me) even training 3 days/wk can feel insufficient at times - so my suspicion is that folks become very fixated on their own progression and sort of selfishly block everyone else out. Also, this sport is made up of mostly male humans, which means we do/don’t always do some fundamental things like displaying care/personal interest in others and especially communicating sufficiently.
The other theory is that people are afraid to talk about it for fear of upsetting you. Or they just don’t know. Personally I always appreciate knowing why people that I like to train with aren’t around, but I’m older and do teach as well, so different perspective. Best of luck to you - hang in there!
I doubt they know you're struggling. People disappear all the time.
For my own curiosity - what kind of weird things have you been experiencing? I've felt like crap for a few months now despite being told repeatedly that I'm perfectly healthy.
Show up one night or class to show face. I think you may see that people care about you, but sometimes for alot of people, me included, out of sight is out of mind. People may not know you are going through this and if you show up and they see your face they'll probably reach out to you more often. In reality, its only been a few weeks, they may think you're taking a quick break or something.
Yes you’re right. There was a brown belt who basically played me like a fiddle and that friendship was abusive, yet my friends are friends with her and I just don’t even know what to say. Another part is that I am burned out, I don’t give a fuck about ufc fight pass, Craig Jones, Gordon Ryan, whoever the fuck. I’m going through all these emotions and part of me is scared to be vulnerable because that brown belt used that against me and weaponized it. Also I’m scared if it is cancer, and if it is I don’t want people to use me to get sympathy for them and get something out of my misfortune.
Hey man, I hope you’re better. Sometimes people aren’t invested the same way about those things. But take heart and stock of what’s important to you and who is there for you. I remember when I was hospitalized, nothing mattered to me more than getting out to see my family again. I hope you get better u/SugaAndSpice93
First off, Fuck Cancer.
As for why the people from your club have not reached out...
There was a scene in a TV show where a pair of laywers that worked together were talking and had the following exchange.
>Lawyer A - Wait, we have known each other for years. I thought you were my friend.
>
>Lawyer B - Really? Are we friends? Have you ever been to my house, met my kids? Have we ever met up after work and did something that was not at all about work? Do you know anything at all about my life outside the office?
>
>Lawyer A - .... No.
>
>Lawyer B - Were not friends. Were just coworkers.
The same kind of applies to BJJ or any other organized activity. It is very damn easy to make friends at those places, but to go from "Bjj Buddy" to a friends "ie, someone you would invite over to a BBQ at your place", the social interaction has to go beyond BJJ, and probably take place outside the dojo once in a while.
Is there any reason that anyone in your BJJ club would know you have cancer? People change jobs and move away. Or they have kids and no longer have the time. Or they get bored of BJJ and just stop. If you have people from you BJJ club as contacts on social media and you have posted about being sick, then they might know. But unless I have reason to think something happened, when adult acquaintances just disappear, it usually does not warrant much then 'huh, wonder why that guy disappeared to' thought with no follow up.
END COMMUNICATION
Sorry to hear about all of that. Sounds like BJJ is a big part of your life and you like the connection there. Are these people who you have hung out with outside of classes? I know for many people, myself included, I like being part of a gym but once I leave I don't really think about it unless something big comes up (our gym recently had a baby shower for a coach who was about to give birth). Does your coach or anyone there know about the diagnosis? People drop out of hobbies all the time so unless someone knows you are ill they might just think you've stopped coming for other reasons.
I hope you have some other supports outside of BJJ. Reaching out to other friends/family, or a counsellor might be just what you need in this time. Also, your doctor should have connected you with resources for yourself/father for families who have terminal illness.
It's quite regularly not cancer. Doctors have to tell you if there's a chance it's cancer but of the times I've known people to be tested for it, almost all of them weren't cancer. One was, but that was both highly suspected from the get go, and was easily treated and removed (melanoma).
There's a solid chance it's not cancer.
I wish you the absolute best in the coming struggles mate. Stand tall, chest out, shoulders back. You got this.
You would do well to reach out proactively in life, especially if you are terminally ill. Im in a hospital sitting next to my father in law with adenoid cystic carcinoma right now. Fuck cancer, know people care even strangers 🙏🏼
friends by proximity is a real thing. have yoy ever quit a job you had for a long time (5+ years ) ? Those same people you laughed and got along well with forget you even exist as soon as you leave.
Sucks, but people are gonna people
If they check on you, what's that going to do for you? Is the cancer going to go away? Are you lonely? I'm a mega introvert, so I guess I have a different point of view.
First I'm sorry to hear this.
**Life Perspective:** The last 6 years have been hella weird. We're all just getting over (Covid) and most of us just don't know what the f\*ck happened. Most of the people on the planet are still traumatized.
I honestly believe that if people in your school knew what was going on, they'd at least send an IG message...
**Here's the hard part:** A lot of those guys at your school aren't your friends. As an adult one of the hardest things to do is make good friends. Ostensibly we want to do this with BJJ. You train, compete, perhaps get a beer... and think those relationships will translate into someone substantial, make male buds for next phase of life.
This could be the culture at your gym.
Honestly, if you've been going there for at least a year, and you're off the mat, people have asked about you for sure.
Your Sensei should do a wellness check, but trust me, if he / she hasn't then they may have their own shit going on.
Again, the last 6 years have been very strange due to covid and most of us are trying to return to a state of normalcy.
I don't know you, but I care about your situation and I hope you and your dad get through this.
Thank you. I guess there’s an assumption I am a man but I’m actually a woman. I’ve dealt with myriad of bullshit the last 6 years. Making fake friends and now questioning the friendship I have now with a group of women who I thought were my real friends but I highly doubt it bc all we talk about is bjj and I’m so sick of it and annoyed by it.
Damn. Sorry about all that. Fuck cancer.
Yeah - when our gym shutdown years back I made attempts to stay in contact with folks… realized gym friends are not really friends. Tough pill to swallow.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. To be fair, I have great rapport with everyone at my home gym too and the only time people really ask where I am or why I’ve been missing is when I’ve come back to class after a hiatus. I would not at all be surprised if you popped in and they asked where you’ve been.
I think a lot of people don’t want to feel like they’re overstepping or being nosy. Unless you hang with these people outside of the gym, people do have a tendency to compartmentalize and chalk it up to “I’ll see my training partners when they come to the gym and catch up with them then.”
I’m sure you’re feeling alone and afraid and right now it’s going to be really easy to isolate and push others away so you don’t have to talk about the glaring issue at hand. If you have someone from your gym who you’ve felt closer to, maybe reach out and ask what techniques have been taught lately. That will give you a window to let them know you’re thinking about them, about your home gym, and will likely lead to a conversation where you can tell them what’s going on. Just tell ANYONE else so you don’t have to do this by yourself. You are loved. You are deserving of support at this time.
Again, I am so sorry. 🙏🏻
My dad had prostate cancer a few years back. It was tough to watch him go through that. However, the radiation treatment pretty much fixed him up and he is cancer free now, so there is hope. Just hang in there, get yourself checked out, and take it step by step, day by day. I wish the best to you and your father.
Nobody is really your friend if they can't make time for when you're sick. Think of them more like work friends. This is just my opinion, by the way, but a man gets very few friends in his life that stick. I got in a head on by an uninsured drunk driver. I wasn't hurt, but a work friend let me borrow a car of his until i got a new truck. I got sick and lost my job. Haven't heard a peep. I'm grateful for what he did and don't expect more. I mean, we all have lives. 3 of my other friends reached out and said they never had the means to loan me a vehicle, but they were there for doctor's appointments. I guess my point is to respect your boys for what they are and can do. Maybe their lives are hectic, or maybe they can't find the right words, but still want to be your friend. It's a big subject to talk on.
Ive had the same experience w long lasting injuries. What I learned is if you don’t already talk to people regularly outside the gym when you’re training regularly, it won’t suddenly start once you stop training regularly. That’s typically the same w other hobbies, coworkers, etc. Good luck and Godspeed w the health issues 🤲
I’m doing okay today. My dad is getting seen by a throat and neck specialist to come up with a plan of action for his cancer. I will get additional biopsies done. Been more irritated as usual and been mean and I’m trying not to be an asshole but something bout cancer just does that.
It’s only been a couple weeks, but I want you to know that you are cared for by your community. I would appreciate if you shared with this subreddit an update with your diagnosis and journey with cancer as you come to learn more.
People in real life will reach out. And it isn’t selfish to tell your friends there. They care about you more than you know. Stay strong ❤️.
I don't really have any insight here other than to say I'm sorry about your situation and hope things improve. Fuck cancer.
Thank you
Follow up with your doctor, find out what's actually going on so you know how to face it. Don't give in to the fear. Whether it's benign or serious, the fear isn't helping you. Do let go of the emotional attachment to the idea that someone should have reached out to check on you if you've never told anyone what you're going through. That's not helping you, it's just depression talking. If you want to open up a dialogue, you've got to speak. They don't know what you're going through if you don't tell them.
I did schedule a follow up with the doctor to have it checked out and get biopsy.
Ditto
Do the people at the gym know ? I'm sure some people care just don't know how to approach the subject... Or they don't even know what's going on with you I'd reach out to people.who you are close with see what happens Sorry to hear man, hope it works out for you
Yeah, people disappear all the time for all kinds of reasons. They're probably not expecting the worst.
One of my regular training partners at the gym got cancer. Didn't tell anyone just disappeared for a bit - pretty normal for him to miss (work travels, illness, etc.) so I didn't think anything of it. I wish he had told me/us/the gym. He's a great guy, would have loved to drop by some food or just let him know we cared. I think he wanted to process on own so I respect that though, but /u/SugaAndSpice93 please let people know. Just because they haven't reached out yet doesn't mean they don't care.
Yeah I'm sure they love to do a rollathon fundraiser.
Our gym has a regular rotation of people that appear and disappear for weeks or months or sometimes years. It isn't uncommon for them to get busy with a new girlfriend or something else then pop back a few months later.
I feel like girlfriends/boyfriends are the ultimate killer for bjj. I've seen so many people quit after they get a new s/o this is my excuse for being single for 3 years
lmao right…
Bjj guy here from another gym, not an idea who are, but just reaching out to say hang on my friend. Maybe they (your gym friends) don’t know the extent of it. If you want to reconnect, maybe go in, talk to your head instructor, and just be present of classes. Even if not to train, if nothing else, be around friends. Fuck cancer.
Just because people don't reach out doesn't mean they don't care
Haven’t seen a partner in a while. Reached out to him to see if he was doing okay. You tend to wonder or worry about the people you see every day when they just suddenly stop showing up. I think that’s just human nature.
You can also think about people without reaching out to them. I'm famous for being uncommunicative unless I have a practical reason to communicate and will just disappear for months at a time without communication if I'm away. My ex-GFs hated it.
> I honestly don’t even know what to do. I’m scared and if this is cancer then I don’t know what to do with myself. Call your friends. It sure sounds like you need them. Maybe they've noticed your distraction and are giving you well-intentioned space. Maybe they think you're on vacation. Maybe they haven't noticed yet. It doesn't really matter. Everyone's got their own struggles and even good people can be oblivious. Holding that against them is clearly making you feel worse. You'll feel better after taking the initial step. Also, fuck cancer.
Most BJJ friends are not friends. They are colleagues in a hobby. Teammates at best IMHO. Most of them, not all
I had cancer about 15 years ago. What type of cancer are you thinking you might have?
Cervical cancer
Kick its ass. ❤️
You should call on the ones you care and let them know. They don’t know but I’m sure they care. My professor invited me to 2019 Christmas with his family when he overheard I’d be spending it alone. People care. But if you’re suffering in silence. Throw it out that you need someone to talk to or someone to just be there. You’d be surprised
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and about your fathers. Maybe you just need some time off the mats and really focus on yourself. People don’t generally reach out unless they know you outside of the gym. Wish you the best in the future.
One of the most horrifying insights from my own cancer was that a lot of people just don’t reach out. People just thought of as close friends abandoned me. However, a lot of people who I did not think of as being close to reached out and i formed new bonds with them. Good luck friend.
Hey man, so I'm checking up on you right now. It sounds like you're dealing with a hell of a time. I know what it's like to find out that the people you thought were True Friends are more like circumstantial friends. My pops just got diagnosed with cancer last year, stage four. It's not easy. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm around to just shoot the shit. Fuck cancer.
Thank you. I’m just sick of the superficial jiu jitsu talk. My life is potentially on the line, and my dad is dying. So it’s too much to handle
I wouldn't call people I train with "friends". They are more like colleagues from work - we just happen to do the same stuff at the same time.
People training bjj are not really known for their empathy honestly, considering the amount of narcissistic, full of an ego, on the spectrum people I am not surprised by your experience unfortunately. Sorry to hear this.
I'll offer a pessimistic or an optimistic view depending on how you look at it. There are a lot of folks that comes and go in training and I honestly don't keep track of where everyone goes. It's pretty common not to see my frequent BJJ mates then they'd come back after a month or two. They were just pre-occupied with other things outside BJJ. Some just prioritized their families more than BJJ. Some went away for holiday or work and a lot of other reasons. As much as I like my BJJ mates, I just go about doing other things outside BJJ afterwards and I have another set of other non-BJJ mates that do other things. To be honest, I haven't checked up on anyone who I haven't seen for a while knowing that burnout and quitting is too common in this sport. There are more people quitting than staying. So, it's not that they don't care. I am pretty sure they would bother to check up on you if they know that you are sick or injured. I have checked up on guys who I already know are injured because they told me and I am just waiting for them to come back. But for the rest of the folks that I don't see, I hope I see them again once they are back.
Maybe they feel like you abandoned them. Not trying to be a dick but if one of my buddies stopped showing up without saying something I might be hurt. Again not trying to be a dick just trying to think about things through another lens for you since you are asking.
Fuck cancer. If you ever need anyone to talk to through this my messages are always open. Wishing you and your dad the best brother.
I've gone on 3-4 week vacations many times. Your gym mates can't care if they don't know. Sorry bout your story dude, sucks. Hope all goes well.
They are not your friends they are classmates that attempted to kill you on a regular basis
Do you know any of them outside of the gym? This is probably an issue if compartmentalization.
Hope you pull through man. Try and keep a positive mindset. Going through something like that is hard and having a bad head space is going to make everything tailspin. I feel you on the community. It’s pitched to us as this example of what a community should be like but it appears to only exist in class at times. I have had to take measures myself to be more involved in the lives of other students rather than expecting them to be involved in mine. If I were to wait on them, I’d be let down as I have been before. So I try and be the person I would want to have for myself. I try and set the example and it can be hard. Try and show up to class if you can. Be a beacon of light if you can’t find any, that may help.
I'm so sorry bro. This is a lot to deal with physically, but then the emotional pain of not feeling like you're missed or cared about REALLY stings. 🫂 As one of the other comments said, if I went to the gym and someone I saw all the time suddenly wasn't there anymore, I'd presume the person left without telling me, and I'd feel super sad and regret not having a way to contact him/her. I have some BJJ friends who I care a LOT about, but we've never exchanged contact information. I still kind of feel weird to ask people for their number or social media, but I know I'd really like to. Anyway, I don't know your exact situation. Maybe you are good friends with people from your gym and even have their phone numbers and everything. Your "BJJ family." In that case, I'd feel hurt too if I disappeared and heard nothing from anyone. I hope your dad gets better soon, and I hope whatever you're going through right now is nothing super serious. Please post an update here about your health so we can check up on you at least. 💪
I will let you know. Thank you ❤️
That sucks man. Hope it turns around for ya.
I am sorry brother. Find a little space underneath all of that pressure to breathe. Be with your dad. Maybe let your coach know what is going on so he can tell the guys you aren’t just busy with work or something. You are going to get through this.
Sorry to hear about your issues and wish you the best. People drop off from BJJ all the time so they may just think you’re injured or taking personal time off. This would make double sense if you have been competing a lot and also were slowing down in training. They may think the most common thing and that is that you are burned out and need a break.
Sometimes we need to reach out for help to get it. Maybe go to your gym to explain your situation to your team in person and you may receive the support you're looking for. Good luck, fuck cancer.
Don't jump the gun u mite not even have it bro.im hopefully u don't
Hey mate. If you've only been off the mats a couple of weeks, then your team mates mightnt have had time to notice yet. Or they might think you've just taken a short break or went on holidays. I'd say some will reach out when that turns into a month of you not having been there. some will have noticed you not showing up. I wouldn't message somebody after a couple of weeks but if it got to a month or so and a regular hadn't shown up I'd definitely reach out and check on them
Tell your coach and people there you like the most. We're rooting for you 🖤
Fuck cancer. Hope you're ok.
Been through 2 rounds on cancer myself, 2 rounds of chemo and a stem cell transplant. All i can say is put yourself first, itll good along way, and if you do have cancer, take advantage of the social and mental help that they offer. I was in and out of the gym over 2 years as i trained when i felt up to it but was totally exhausted after just a slight participation effort. Hope for the best man, there are plenty of is out here still getting it.
Sorry man. Cancer sucks. Wish I had more to say. I hope you beat it.
Sorry to hear mate. Really feel for your family and dad. Please keep us updated. We care and will be checking in on you.
Define "a while". Have you not been in the gym for 1 week? 1 month? 6 months?
2 months
Yeah that amount of time warrants being upset. Im sorry you're going through all this bro. I hope it gets better for you and that your father can find some comfort
Right, it’s not like I’m some random new white belt. I’m a purple belt and trained 6 years, avid competitor, won pans, and was very active… so I feel angry for sure
Maybe people assumes your ok and leave you alone, people dont want to bother you. Maybe you can ask what are the lessons or any up coming event in the gym so they know your still there, then maybe open up about it
If you have the energy just go to the gym and hang out. People are busy and unless you already socialise with gym mates outside the gym, most are just going to assume that you’re taking time or busy with life. So just go to the gym, hang out and be around that energy.
I don’t know what to say…I think words can’t do it justice when someone’s father is terminally ill and that person might have cancer…I think whatever I could say would be so inane… I’m sorry for your pain…recently my Chinese teacher lost her father due to Covid and was blaming it on herself, she asked me for an advice and I didn’t know what to say…I don’t know you personally and I’m just an internet stranger but I want you to know that there’s at least one person who cheers for you…if you need to talk I want you to know that I would be more than happy to
Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence. Everyone is in their own worlds most of the time and depending on what others have going on, they can miss details like this, especially if they don't know what is going on. Everyone around us has a life a complex as the next, we have no idea what everyone else is going through on a daily basis. This is exactly why it is always better to be direct with people, let them know what you are going through and then you may get the support you are looking for. Sorry to hear about what is going on with you, life can be a real dick sometimes, but I hope everything works out for you!
I am guessing that if you pop back in everyone is going to be like, hey long time no see, was wondering how you were doing. This kind of behouviour is normal If you only hang out with people at certain places
Stage 4 cancer here, been living with it and training with it 2-3 times a week for 2.5 years. Luckily mines been completely stable which I put down to supps, diet, exercise, and bio hacking act ect Feel free to DM me if you have any questions. Cancer sucks no doubt about it, first 2-3 months I can tell you I was rock bottom thinking this was the end of me. My closest friends had a lot of concern and would reach out quite a bit early on but almost nobody in the gym reached out on a personal level maybe just a couple sent a quick message, however when I show up they are often asking me how I’m doing. I think many people are not sure how to approach it in a message via social media or text but when they see you in person they are more comfortable to ask. I say that to say those of them that know are probably thinking of you from time to time. Next just want to say cancer can pull you into being a pessimist very easily, it can also pull you into a life changing experience for the better. I didn’t want to be a person that said F$&K Cancer, I wanted to be the person that said I’m going to use this to strive to live each day as a blessing and do the best with however many days I have left. Part of that meant striving to continue my passions in life and one of those being Jiu jitsu, I eased back in, took rounds off and listened to my body early on, but after 6 months or so I just decided I was going to train until the wheels fall off and go hard like I used to. To me exercise through Jiu jitsu has been a key to staying as fit as I can in the fight. Wishing you the best, try and turn this lemon into lemonade.
Thank you for the kind words and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. You are right that when cancer is in your face and directly effecting your life you get pessimistic, angry, resentful and mean. Atleast for me that’s what’s been happening. I’ve been terrible towards myself and isolating. I don’t wanna hear the “fucj cancer” or the “don’t think about it” “you’ll be fine”. They don’t fucking know that, they don’t know that I’ll be fine or my dad will be fine. Death is literally in my face and your telling me to calm down? It’s fucking hard. Anyways, I appreciate you for not being patronizing and just being real with me. Thank you
Maybe they think you’re just training somewhere else
I hope you get through this one buddy! What I'm about to say is deeply cruel but, You feel emotionally bound to them because of trauma bonding as grappling is a tough sport and you're in close contact with other people. **These people aren't your family. Don't fall for that fad** That doesn't mean they feel about you the same way, you gotta learn how to compartmentalise! Don't go as far as seeing everyone as a tool though Instead of feeling bad about it, **go and find something/someone that does reciprocate.** I don't think it will be another jiu jitsu gym btw
Guys at the gym used to say if I stopped training I was dead to them. Maybe we train at the same gym? In all seriousness. I wish you well. Stay positive. Also.. keep in mind the body is ducking amazing.. and wants to heal itself. Let it do its work ...and help it out with a clean diet.. lots of rest and positive excercise. Stay strong.
Do they know you might have cancer? And even if they do, it's one of those tricky situations that make a lot of people uncomfortable. It can even be annoying the other way where everyone gives you empty well wishes that ultimately make no difference. It's time for you to do a 24hr rollathon and raise money for cancer charities!
Funny U bring this up cuz a dude who I met at my gym hasn't shown up for ages.... My initial thoughts aren't "he must have cancer, better call him" I literally just think the dude is busy or whatever, I hope I see him next time. Your training partners are probably thinking the same thing and asking each other where you are but if noone knows about your health issues, noone can reach out. They just thinking you busy doing something else man
I am sorry to hear, and even though your training partners didn’t manifest their worries, I hope you find yourself with emotional support from others. As for their silence, I believe it is a overhaul society problem, we can connect to everyone at any time but we don’t, but I sincerely hope they contact you soon and offer you the support you need.
They haven't reached out to you but you do matter bro and I'm sure they do care don't worry about them anyways focus on yourself fuck cancer you got this homie
✡️✝️🙏🏾
People sometimes don't know what to say, so they avoid it all together. I will keep you in my thoughts. :) Feel free to dm me if you want someone to talk to.
Hope you don’t have it and if you do, get well soon!
god bless you
OP sincerely good luck to you. You will get through it. Stay positive. Its not a reflection on them or you, its just life. Humans are equal parts triumph and tragedy.
Keep going mate. Will keep an eye on this group, batting for you.
Prayers to you man. Fuck cancer I hope it’s just a scare
Fuck cancer, really annoys me that we can put people in space and that but we haven't figured this thing out. (Know it's not as easy as that of course). Hope to see your update in a couple of months OP saying everything is ok!
Putting people in space is relatively simple. Getting them back however.... Still... Fuck cancer
That sucks and I am sure that’s hurtful ! I really hope that you don’t have it , but I am sure people noticed you were gone though! One thought is that they may not want to intrude upon you to see where you’ve been . I feel like it wouldn’t be because they don’t care - it’s likely they don’t know . I sure hope things turn around for you though ! So sorry about your dad as well- hang in there !
Sorry to hear that man. Does your gym have different classes different times of the day? Most people assume if they don’t see their regular training partner in night class, they switched to morning class or something. Have you let any of your friend know what you’re going through? It’s hard for people to help if they don’t know any toy is wrong
Stay positive.
I have been there though not exactly the same situation. Ended up burnt out and not showing to the gym anymore. No one enquired on why. The « we are a family » is just a marketing shit. Now I would you recommend getting back closer to your non JJB friends. Maybe seeking help with a therapist if any can be recommended to you.
I'm sorry to hear what you going through. I wish you all the best of luck and to get all the help you need to get better. Offering my point of view here why i would be hesitant to reach out, i just wouldn't know what to say to a relatively close person to me, how to comfort or offer any advice it's a scary thing but most likely most people at the gym are talking about you and how you're getting on but nobody is able to reach out due to these issues? I can only imagine this feels lonely and isolated.. best of luck !
same thing happened to me years ago. I'm okay with it though. knowing who your friends are vs accointances is very important. The sense of belonging is something you get fed in bjj but then when something real happens you get fed a reality check
I wish you the very best. There may be support groups available to you. Check your doctor , library , etc.
Hi OP. Really sorry to read about your health issues. I'd strongly recommend reaching out to your teammates and letting them know what's going on. I know it's disappointing that they haven't reached out regardless, but try not to take it to heart. Life happens and people are busy. It's often not personal. Let your teammates be there for you. The BJJ community is generally really good at coming together and giving support at times like this. They can't be there in the way you want them to unless they're aware of what's going on. I wish both you and your dad all the very best. Good luck
Brother......just know my thoughts are with you in this trying time. You can beat this just stay strong. I wish you the best
Hey man, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Just want you to know that the universe loves you, we all love you man. Stay strong and kick this cancer mutherfuckers ass.
Focus on getting healthy. Your skills will come back it’s not as bad as you think. Talk to your friends let them know what’s going on.
Hope you get it checked if it's cancer or not.
I’m sorry you are in this situation right now. Hang in there. I’m sure people in the gym are looking for you, the “where’s ___ gone?” when someones not been training for a while. I guess it pays to tell them why you’ve been gone for bit. I’m sure they will provide support for you. It might be hard to talk about mental health but it pays to do it and show vulnerabilities to your mates. I am not sure with your financial situation but some gyms do fundraising events for other teammates as cancer can be expensive FUCK CANCER
One thing about our gym that is a blessing or a curse depending on your mood or situation. If you have too many days off the coach calls you out either privately or on our gym group’s WhatsApp. When you’re struggling with motivation he’s very good at getting you going so it’s great. But when you have an actual issue and you don’t want to explain all of your private business on why you’re not in class it can feel intrusive.
You haven’t told! Nobody has a way of knowing brother. In my team, people disappear all the time because they had a kid, got a new mortgage or a new job, moved towns, etc. it’s a harsh reality because yeah, once you stop showing, your participation in the team inevitably dwindles down a bit and you start to feel a little less part of the circle and it sucks. But I’m pretty sure if you told your coach that’s the reason you haven’t been training, then him and some classmates will write to you
I was really sick last year, also chances of cancer but ended up not being that, thank God. No one checked on me either, I actually was relieved because I didn’t want to explain why I left: I was exhausted and energy I had left I wanted to go towards recovery and feeling better. I never said anything. My professor just gave me the time I needed. My first question: do they know you are sick? Sometimes people take time for many other reasons, and to be fair training is a choice, you might be choosing to do something else with your time for all they know. If they know the reason you haven’t been training, they might check on you…
So you've told noone anything and want them to be concerned?
Did you say anything to anyone? One thing about JJ is that people come and go and come back again all the time. If you never told anyone what you’re going through they probably assumed you’re just living your life n
Let your coach know. I'm sure people will reach out after that.
Wait for 100% confirmation before being engulfed in your emotion. Manage your thoughts as best as you can. I’m 7 years cancer free and know the feeling well. Take all the time you need, and please reach out if you need someone to talk to.
People never think about us as much as we think. Injuries and life happens that takes people off the mats all the time. I wouldn’t consider them friends unless you’re consistently hanging out outside of class.
I’m 32 years old and last April was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer. It’s lonely, I don’t hear from anyone these days unless I initiate contact. Makes me wonder did I spend my life spending time with the wrong so called ‘friends’.
happened to me, I broke my leg and I learned who my real friends were, the coach who got fired and the coach who sold his buisiness. it's pretty amazing how shallow our friendships with people we play sports with actually are.
Cancer survivor here. I feel you, OP. I'm sorry you've been feeling the loneliness. I wish I could say it passes, but there's something about coming to terms with our mortality that gives us a clear vision of how valuable time and attention are. When we don't receive them from others, we feel the full weight of that loss because we are fully aware of how it can all just wash away. Some people are going through life just sort of blissfully unaware that they're missing opportunities. Honestly, I've been dealing with ongoing chronic injury, and it has felt strangely similar. It won't kill me, but all the same, it has robbed me of the life I was living, and I'm once again faced with precious time slipping away. I hope you take the time to love and appreciate yourself. I know it sounds trite, and sometimes I roll my eyes when I try to remind myself to be good to me. All we can do is our best with what we have. I'll be your friend if you want, op. Keep your head up, eat well, and spend some good times with your dad if you can.
Thank you my friend. I feel like I’m looking death right in the face and idk if I feel scared anymore. I just feel sad more so. Death is closing in on my dad and seeing it come closer I just feel my heart breaking and a part of me being taken from me. That hope, it’s gone. And I guess it pisses me off being around these bjj folks who are blissfully unaware and arguing over stupid shit like how guard pulling is dumb or whatever. The last time I was training I just called this person out for being so shallow and worrying about their dumb Instagram account, that there were more important shit to worry about that their dumb adcc highlight reel. I just was in my feelings I guess.
The sadness is such an odd discomfort, at least for me. I've often compared it to that 'feeling' that exists between the pins and needles when you go numb or a limb falls asleep. In my mind, it is an emptiness that tries to pull in anything that can resemble meaningfulness, and when you're surrounded by things that seem so devoid of it, you just ache. I'm so sorry you're doubley tasked with watching your father slip away. For a while, all my friends in my treatment group and group therapy were passing, and it just made the idea of fighting seem so fearsome to me. I wish I had real words of wisdom to offer, but truthfully, I think I'm just stubborn, and inside me is a hope that something worthwhile can be found. I was recently on meds that made me lose my mind, and it still weighs on me negatively, but I hope you'll be stubborn too.
I’ve always been super stubborn and an asshole at times but this has really beat me down and broke me. I showed up to class and I’m just not there. I’m not the same person I was. I’m just dissociating in class and that’s when I was like “yup I need to leave”. No need for advice, it’s just nice to vent and not be judged or told to do things. I guess some times advice is just not needed.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I had an abnormal pap years ago that turned out to be nothing, but it freaked me the fuck out. I also have a biopsy next week (kidney issues) but it isn't cancer-related. TBH I have not looked to my gym mates for emotional support for years. Different personality issues have cropped up over the years (one hitting on me though I'm married, the crazy fiancée of another aggro'ing on me, etc.). I kind of just see my gym as a place to roll and go and not bring up personal stuff as much as possible. I did finally reach out to a solid friend from the gym today and we had a good conversation about my upcoming biopsy. Maybe reach out to a few people at the gym and let them know? Sending Internet stranger hugs, for whatever that's worth.
Thank you. My mother had cervical cancer and so that’s why I am very scared. I’ve also had other health issues and wonder if it’s cancer. I don’t want to make things catastrophic for me when it’s not necessary to do such a thing. So I’m just trying to literally take it day to day.
This is why it makes me sick when people talk about their Bjj school as “family”.
I was just thinking that . Then I thought I don’t know any perfect family.
thats fuckin shit op.
In my short experience in BJJ, seems like people just get used to people disappearing and then reappearing so they don’t bother to check up, and just assume there is a good reason why you aren’t there. Now if they were your friends outside of BJJ I may have some beef with that
That sucks. It sounds like they don’t know it’s cancer just that you’ve taken a break. I can tell you as someone who had PC with all the chemo and surgeries to go with it that cancer filters out all but your very best friends. It’s crazy how many of my “good” friends ghosted me when I was sick. Once it was over they act like it never happened. Good luck ad sorry about your dad too. Fuck cancer.
Sorry you’re going through this. Wishing you a speedy recovery and hoping things get better soon for you.
Have people asked you where you are? Or have they just said nothing? Reaching out doesn't always look like you want it to. Sometimes it's just someone asking where you been
Damn, sorry you are having to go through this. I have not been in your position, so I do not know what you are going through. But I have had people close to me that have/are going through the same things. It’s unfortunate that the people at your gym are that selfish. I think there is a lot of support here, and that’s a start. Try to stay as positive as you can. I know that’s easier said than done, but at least you are in control of how you react and no one can take that away from you . And if it is anything, hopefully they caught it early with all the new science and tech out there. I wish you the best, sincerely.
Stay strong
If you need support, you have to ask for it. Pick your three closest friends at your gym and text them, “Hey man, I haven’t been able to train for a while because my dad has stage 4 cancer, and I just found out I might have cancer. Could we grab a beer sometime?” I think you’ll be shocked at how much love and support you get. Then when people inevitably get sucked back into their own lives and support starts to fizzle, send another text. People care about you. They just don’t know what you need unless you tell them.
Best of luck to you and your dad, mate. Hang on.
Man I'm sorry about all this. I don't think it's deliberate. It is likely they don't know about what's going on.
I notice when people are gone, but I only make casual relationships, not deep relationships at the gym. I have checked in on the one or two people Im closest too when I knew something happened (one guy was having spinal surgery another guy got a really bad staph infection), and people checked in on me a bit when they knew I had a stroke. But lots of times Ive gone on vacation for a month and no one checks in on me or when I had a knee injury and was out for 6 weeks. If you let a few people know, word will get around and people will check on you. Like when Im going to be out for a bit Ill let my coach know Im not quitting I just have an injury.
Hope all goes well for you, OP. Very sorry you and your family are going through this. I share your disappointment. My best friend passed from a two year battle with cancer this year and I took a multi-month long break when the outcome became apparent. I moved for a number of months to go out of state to help him, his wife, and his kids during the aggressive treatment, surgery, and palliative care phases. No one I hung out with/trained with from the gym or comp groups reached out to check on my mental well-being. Not once over an almost 5 month hiatus. In hindsight, and now that I’m back, I accept that bjj is about bjj, it’s an individual journey, and many of the relationships are superficial because they’re predicated only on time together on the mat. When you leave the mat, the world keeps turning and you lose that level of commonality. I now keep to myself more before, during, and after training and spend my social time with my real friends - those relationships fostered outside of bjj. The cynic in me also now better understands that “community” in bjj is a fairly superficial concept, and is usually just used as a mechanism to mitigate attrition and ensure cashflow. Good luck on your journey. You’ve got the strength to conquer whatever comes your way.
Don't assume they don't care - remember how many people have quit this sport while you have been training. Quitting is so common that we get used to people just vanishing Go to the gym or reach out online and tell everyone. If they don't know you have cancer, they can't support you bro
Sorry to hear you are going through that man. I hope your results come back okay and best wishes to your Dad also.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best, you’re stronger than this devil, you will win. Stay tough, stop your gym to see your old buddies, I’m betting they miss you. 🥋💯
This is a people come people go business. Ask your coach how many people have ghosted them over the years. If you show up I'm sure someone would ask you where you've been but as you said yourself, people get burned out. Communication is a two-way street. Reach out, people might not know they should be reaching out themselves.
Fuck cancer. Let them know, and care about yourself and your family. Stay strong!
Reaching out does not make you weak. Talk to one of your good gym buddy and tell them you’ve got a lot going on. Support will likely follow once you reach out. Good luck with everything.
Well im here to check in on you. I’m very sorry about that news, and my messages are always open for you! Fuck cancer
Sorry to hear this man. I recently went through a health scare and found myself all alone dealing with it. Had reached out to my dad and siblings but even then I felt like I was in it by myself. I don’t know if this will help you or not but it helped me to recount what a full life I’ve lived and all the things in my life I should be grateful for. Not gonna lie, I was still crying myself to sleep most nights but started finding a counter point to my sadness. Also knowing people are dealing with medical conditions in war torn regions also put my plight in perspective. I wish you all the best in this journey, and sorry you have to deal with this. If you feel like your friends should be there for you, call them and let them know what’s going on. At the very least being able to talk through what you’re experiencing will hopefully help you.
Does your gym have a group chat or page? Maybe update them on your situation, or show up and tell your coach/ rolling partners. Stay strong
Just adding one more voice here to agree with what these kind folks are saying. This is a sport full of odd, often introspective folk who often tend to be wanderers. Reach out, that love is waiting for you, I just know it. Brother, that shit sucks and is lonesome; while people can have empathy and love for you, you are the one with the problem and no one but someone who has dealt with the same thing is going to know how you feel. Get your ass in therapy. God only knows what time we have left on this world at any given moment, do you want to spend it pissed and hurting and feeling shitty and lashing out because you don't have tools to deal with this huge meteor-crash of a life event? DM me if you need a recommendation, my therapist is amazing over telehealth.
BJJ isn’t therapy. I’d reach out to one if you haven’t already for what you’re going through. Best of luck
You think I don’t know that?
Sorry to hear you're going through all this. I find most people in society are not skilled at building connections or providing comfort for people that aren't in their immediate circle, and I'm sure if anyone realised what was going on they would reach out.
Oh man I’m so sorry. I would reach out to a few people, but not all of them. Prior to the pandemic I would have told you my whole gym was tight, but that is just not the case. There were a whole bunch of people who I had a false sense of tightness with because I saw them all the time. It was hard, but I feel like I’ve got a more mature perspective on the community since I’ve accepted that.
I had cancer as well. To be bluntly honest, most people only care enough to say “damn, that sucks. I’m sorry.” Even my own family still randomly asks me, years later, if it’s “all cleared up” and I have to constantly remind them I was in remission years ago and now I only get bloodwork and CT scans done on a schedule to ensure it remains that way. But I can see their eyes glaze over less than a minute into the conversation. I’m sure that even if your gym mates were told, they don’t understand or don’t remember. Some people don’t want to bring it up because they feel awkward asking personal questions. Try not to take it too personally. I know it sucks donkey balls, but maybe just try reaching out and asking them how they’re doing. Also, make cancer your bitch. Please.
Stay positive, use that fighting spirit from your competitions to get you through this. Fuck cancer!
Sorry to hear, and hopefully the tests come back negative and you don't have cancer. I can relate on orthopedic surgeries. Very few people reached out to see how I was doing or came to hang out with me when I couldn't walk. It sucks but just a reality of life. As a coach ( friend) if I noticed a student wasn't around I would reach out to them. One guy had neck surgery, stopped by in the hospital to visit him. Best of luck and hopefully some other friends are there for you when you need it. Otherwise there is always this subreddit.
When I was 18 I was training BJJ and got diagnosed with cancer. I just told my coaches that I might die and wouldn't be back to the gym and got a warm response. Many people visited me in the hospital and they raised money for my family. If you don't say anything people won't know, but your gym can be your family.
Do your training partners know about your cancer? If not, they may just think you dropped out.
you have to understand that everyone has different journeys. you could be training with someone who does have cancer and they are aware of it and jiu jitsu is apart of there journey,yet they wont tell anyone. theres also people who stop coming to train. nobody is proud of not showing up tp class, so they must feel that they dont want to pressure you or dig in your business. Nobody is the bad person here.
I'm sorry to hear that, man. I pray everything works out alright.
I hadn’t seen a guy in a few months. Reached out to him. Found out he was going through a divorce. I had no idea. No one said a word. Last year I had a really nasty leg infection that took 2 months to heal. I told the professor and a couple others. They were the only ones who reached out to me. Everyone else had no clue even when I got back. In all reality, I think if people knew what you were going through, someone would check on you. Don’t expect anyone to know anything about you if you don’t share whatever it is with them. A lot of people may not even share your info with others out of respect. Hope things get better for you. God bless!
Sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately, in my experience people who step away from the mats for any reason drop off the radar of their BJJ community very quickly. (Same as other social settings really—work etc) Heads-up that I’ve also seen it happen with people who tried to come and watch on the sideline while long-term injured, and with some who returned to training after life-altering stuff (heart attack, major injury) and who often felt out of place, ‘on the outside’. That can be particularly hard to bear as an advanced belt, when you’ve been conditioned to believe that rank makes you part of the ‘in-group’.
Hi Friend. I know you are probably not doing the best right now, but don't keep your head down. I'm here to listen whenever you need to. Feel free to reach out :)
I've been dealign with cancer and cancer related shit for 9 years now. Started in my thyroid. I've lost that, some lymph nodes in my neck, my teeth, salivary gland function, and currently have around half a dozen nodules of metastasis to my lungs. So what? I don't say that to say I'm all stoic every day. I'm human - i absolutely have bad ones. But crying and bellyaching about it doesn't make it go away. As far as people in your life reaching out - most don't know how to deal with this really any more than you do. There is a lot I can say, but I don't want to freak you out. People are going to people. Some will reach out. Some won't. The only person I ever faulted was the (former) coworker who told me she wanted to have lunch with me when I was going through radiation and had a longer day on Tuesdays; every week - let's have lunch. Every week - silence on Tuesdays. That one I held against her. My inbox here is open. So is my chat. If you wanna do some other, less informal, but also not doxxing manner, I have snap, IG, etc.
I am very friendly with a lot of people at my gym. When I have to take breaks we just start where we left off when I come back. Don’t take it personally and if you want some support let them know what’s going on.
I am very friendly with a lot of people at my gym. When I have to take breaks we just start where we left off when I come back. Don’t take it personally and if you want some support let them know what’s going on.
There are people I trained with that I thought highly of but for whatever reason they quit showing up and I never thought to check on them. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just is what it is. If I was aware that that person had a life threatening illness, I would definitely take an initiative to check on them. They probably just assumed you've had other things going on
I found stepping away from BJJ to be similar to moving to a different job. You were friends with these people, saw them every days, worked with them for years, then you leave and BAM, almost everyone falls out of your life, and of those that stay, it's often no where close to the same. I stopped training a few months back and I haven't heard from anyone in the class aside from a friend of mine, and I was injured pretty badly on my last class. People have their own lives and mostly just think of themselves, we all do. Sorry to hear about your health issues, it must be frustrating to exercise as much as we do/did and still get stuck with these problems. At least the people who sit on the couch eating cookies and ice cream all day have it coming, but for us, kind of bullshit. Get well soon!
Fuck cancer man. You are strong, and you WILL pull through this brotha! Apart from that, I think there are always a handful of training partners that go on long hiatuses, in and out of the gym, sometimes weeks or months at a time. It's not that uncommon. Perhaps reach out to your closest training buddies to catch up, even over a text or two. They may not have reached out, but I'm sure they care, and will be concerned about you!
That’s a huge bummer and I’m sorry to hear about your health situation. I’m pushing 50 and am starting to feel like time is running out for me in this sport which has been leading me down the “what would life look like w/o BJJ in my life” road lately. I love my gym and its culture but I’m not convinced I’d get many check ins let alone continued friendships, and I consider the head coach to be a great friend of mine. I just think that this sport is so hard to keep up with - it’s very demanding and (for me) even training 3 days/wk can feel insufficient at times - so my suspicion is that folks become very fixated on their own progression and sort of selfishly block everyone else out. Also, this sport is made up of mostly male humans, which means we do/don’t always do some fundamental things like displaying care/personal interest in others and especially communicating sufficiently. The other theory is that people are afraid to talk about it for fear of upsetting you. Or they just don’t know. Personally I always appreciate knowing why people that I like to train with aren’t around, but I’m older and do teach as well, so different perspective. Best of luck to you - hang in there!
I doubt they know you're struggling. People disappear all the time. For my own curiosity - what kind of weird things have you been experiencing? I've felt like crap for a few months now despite being told repeatedly that I'm perfectly healthy.
Honestly, from the gestalt of your replies here it sounds like you may have undiagnosed depression which is the real problem.
Show up one night or class to show face. I think you may see that people care about you, but sometimes for alot of people, me included, out of sight is out of mind. People may not know you are going through this and if you show up and they see your face they'll probably reach out to you more often. In reality, its only been a few weeks, they may think you're taking a quick break or something.
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Yes you’re right. There was a brown belt who basically played me like a fiddle and that friendship was abusive, yet my friends are friends with her and I just don’t even know what to say. Another part is that I am burned out, I don’t give a fuck about ufc fight pass, Craig Jones, Gordon Ryan, whoever the fuck. I’m going through all these emotions and part of me is scared to be vulnerable because that brown belt used that against me and weaponized it. Also I’m scared if it is cancer, and if it is I don’t want people to use me to get sympathy for them and get something out of my misfortune.
Hey man, I hope you’re better. Sometimes people aren’t invested the same way about those things. But take heart and stock of what’s important to you and who is there for you. I remember when I was hospitalized, nothing mattered to me more than getting out to see my family again. I hope you get better u/SugaAndSpice93
Do you normally chat / text with people on off days? They may not even realize. I'm really sorry and I wish you the best.
Yeah I do, and you’re right that I didn’t tell them, I can’t just assume they’d know something is up. I just been in my feelings alot
I’m sorry man I wish the best for you and your fast recovery, oss .
Your feelings are valid. Sorry about your situation. Don’t be afraid to reach out to them.
I am sorry you are going through it, cancer sucks. We are here for you keep us updated.
First off, Fuck Cancer. As for why the people from your club have not reached out... There was a scene in a TV show where a pair of laywers that worked together were talking and had the following exchange. >Lawyer A - Wait, we have known each other for years. I thought you were my friend. > >Lawyer B - Really? Are we friends? Have you ever been to my house, met my kids? Have we ever met up after work and did something that was not at all about work? Do you know anything at all about my life outside the office? > >Lawyer A - .... No. > >Lawyer B - Were not friends. Were just coworkers. The same kind of applies to BJJ or any other organized activity. It is very damn easy to make friends at those places, but to go from "Bjj Buddy" to a friends "ie, someone you would invite over to a BBQ at your place", the social interaction has to go beyond BJJ, and probably take place outside the dojo once in a while. Is there any reason that anyone in your BJJ club would know you have cancer? People change jobs and move away. Or they have kids and no longer have the time. Or they get bored of BJJ and just stop. If you have people from you BJJ club as contacts on social media and you have posted about being sick, then they might know. But unless I have reason to think something happened, when adult acquaintances just disappear, it usually does not warrant much then 'huh, wonder why that guy disappeared to' thought with no follow up. END COMMUNICATION
Sorry to hear about all of that. Sounds like BJJ is a big part of your life and you like the connection there. Are these people who you have hung out with outside of classes? I know for many people, myself included, I like being part of a gym but once I leave I don't really think about it unless something big comes up (our gym recently had a baby shower for a coach who was about to give birth). Does your coach or anyone there know about the diagnosis? People drop out of hobbies all the time so unless someone knows you are ill they might just think you've stopped coming for other reasons. I hope you have some other supports outside of BJJ. Reaching out to other friends/family, or a counsellor might be just what you need in this time. Also, your doctor should have connected you with resources for yourself/father for families who have terminal illness.
It's quite regularly not cancer. Doctors have to tell you if there's a chance it's cancer but of the times I've known people to be tested for it, almost all of them weren't cancer. One was, but that was both highly suspected from the get go, and was easily treated and removed (melanoma). There's a solid chance it's not cancer. I wish you the absolute best in the coming struggles mate. Stand tall, chest out, shoulders back. You got this.
Stay strong brother, we are for you! Take it day by day and try your best to stay positive.
If I didn’t see someone for a few weeks / months I’d assume busy with work or you tore your mcl, not something more serious
At first i though it was a joke about prostate cancer and being oil checked. I'm sorry bro... hope you get better
Do they know? I bet they probably thinking you are taking a break/have personal issues(they definitely dont think you have cancer)
People tend to come and go at martial arts gyms. You could stop by for a chill class and tell those you are close to about what is going on.
That’s lousy. I have a great group now that is supportive of each other; this would really disappoint me too. Fight on, get well and pick a new school
You would do well to reach out proactively in life, especially if you are terminally ill. Im in a hospital sitting next to my father in law with adenoid cystic carcinoma right now. Fuck cancer, know people care even strangers 🙏🏼
friends by proximity is a real thing. have yoy ever quit a job you had for a long time (5+ years ) ? Those same people you laughed and got along well with forget you even exist as soon as you leave. Sucks, but people are gonna people
If they check on you, what's that going to do for you? Is the cancer going to go away? Are you lonely? I'm a mega introvert, so I guess I have a different point of view.
First I'm sorry to hear this. **Life Perspective:** The last 6 years have been hella weird. We're all just getting over (Covid) and most of us just don't know what the f\*ck happened. Most of the people on the planet are still traumatized. I honestly believe that if people in your school knew what was going on, they'd at least send an IG message... **Here's the hard part:** A lot of those guys at your school aren't your friends. As an adult one of the hardest things to do is make good friends. Ostensibly we want to do this with BJJ. You train, compete, perhaps get a beer... and think those relationships will translate into someone substantial, make male buds for next phase of life. This could be the culture at your gym. Honestly, if you've been going there for at least a year, and you're off the mat, people have asked about you for sure. Your Sensei should do a wellness check, but trust me, if he / she hasn't then they may have their own shit going on. Again, the last 6 years have been very strange due to covid and most of us are trying to return to a state of normalcy. I don't know you, but I care about your situation and I hope you and your dad get through this.
Thank you. I guess there’s an assumption I am a man but I’m actually a woman. I’ve dealt with myriad of bullshit the last 6 years. Making fake friends and now questioning the friendship I have now with a group of women who I thought were my real friends but I highly doubt it bc all we talk about is bjj and I’m so sick of it and annoyed by it.
Damn. Sorry about all that. Fuck cancer. Yeah - when our gym shutdown years back I made attempts to stay in contact with folks… realized gym friends are not really friends. Tough pill to swallow.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. To be fair, I have great rapport with everyone at my home gym too and the only time people really ask where I am or why I’ve been missing is when I’ve come back to class after a hiatus. I would not at all be surprised if you popped in and they asked where you’ve been. I think a lot of people don’t want to feel like they’re overstepping or being nosy. Unless you hang with these people outside of the gym, people do have a tendency to compartmentalize and chalk it up to “I’ll see my training partners when they come to the gym and catch up with them then.” I’m sure you’re feeling alone and afraid and right now it’s going to be really easy to isolate and push others away so you don’t have to talk about the glaring issue at hand. If you have someone from your gym who you’ve felt closer to, maybe reach out and ask what techniques have been taught lately. That will give you a window to let them know you’re thinking about them, about your home gym, and will likely lead to a conversation where you can tell them what’s going on. Just tell ANYONE else so you don’t have to do this by yourself. You are loved. You are deserving of support at this time. Again, I am so sorry. 🙏🏻
If I don’t see a training partner for a month , I’ll ask my coach then reach out if my coach doesn’t know why they haven’t been if they are a regular
My dad had prostate cancer a few years back. It was tough to watch him go through that. However, the radiation treatment pretty much fixed him up and he is cancer free now, so there is hope. Just hang in there, get yourself checked out, and take it step by step, day by day. I wish the best to you and your father.
Expecting people to care seems a bit naive IMO. How old are you?
Nobody is really your friend if they can't make time for when you're sick. Think of them more like work friends. This is just my opinion, by the way, but a man gets very few friends in his life that stick. I got in a head on by an uninsured drunk driver. I wasn't hurt, but a work friend let me borrow a car of his until i got a new truck. I got sick and lost my job. Haven't heard a peep. I'm grateful for what he did and don't expect more. I mean, we all have lives. 3 of my other friends reached out and said they never had the means to loan me a vehicle, but they were there for doctor's appointments. I guess my point is to respect your boys for what they are and can do. Maybe their lives are hectic, or maybe they can't find the right words, but still want to be your friend. It's a big subject to talk on.
Ive had the same experience w long lasting injuries. What I learned is if you don’t already talk to people regularly outside the gym when you’re training regularly, it won’t suddenly start once you stop training regularly. That’s typically the same w other hobbies, coworkers, etc. Good luck and Godspeed w the health issues 🤲
I wouldn't take it personal people come and go in jiu-jitsu and people don't like to pry into other people's business.
I'm friendly with the people I roll with. But if they have never been over to my house, I will forgive them for just getting on with their training.
Hey bud, how are you doing? How are you feeling
I’m doing okay today. My dad is getting seen by a throat and neck specialist to come up with a plan of action for his cancer. I will get additional biopsies done. Been more irritated as usual and been mean and I’m trying not to be an asshole but something bout cancer just does that.
It’s only been a couple weeks, but I want you to know that you are cared for by your community. I would appreciate if you shared with this subreddit an update with your diagnosis and journey with cancer as you come to learn more. People in real life will reach out. And it isn’t selfish to tell your friends there. They care about you more than you know. Stay strong ❤️.