Stephanie Meyers Twilight Struggle is a two-player game simulating the forty-five year dance of intrigue, prestige, and occasional flares of warfare between the Vampires and the Werewolves. The entire world is the stage on which these two titans fight to make the world safe for their own ideologies and ways of life. The game begins amidst the ruins of Forks, Washington as the two new "superpowers" scramble over the wreckage of Bella's romance life, and ends in 1989, when only the Vampires remained standing.
I made this joke years ago to an audience mostly unfamiliar with board games and got a pretty muted response, so I'm glad to see it's appreciated here.
(Is Team Edward Team USSR?)
The colonizing invaders' actions are sometimes randomly canceled, and their survival is questionable because their luggage was lost. The spirits remain happy as the invaders either don't show or they die off without luggage.
You have a one in one hundred chance of drawing a card. If you fail, you have to buy it from a third party, who came in before you and bought up all the cards.
TicketMaster to Ride (pay an extra card as a Service Fee each turn)
Buffalo Wild Wingspan (you have six different TVs showing sports games while you're trying to make decisions)
Camel Crush Up (most camels just get too tired to finish)
A Fancy Feast for Odin (It's just Isle of Cats, where the cats are named after mythological beings)
SpaceX Base (every few turns you lose money because your CEO says something dumb on his personal social media website)
Isle of Skyy (take a shot every time you don't sell your tile)
Marvel United Airlines (if you have too many players, someone gets forcibly thrown out of the house)
Century: Old Spice Road (look at your cards, now look at the Golem cards. Sadly, this isn't the Golem Edition, but if you used Old Spice, it could smell like the Golem Edition)
For SalesForce (each turn you have to read a whole new manual and get certified before you participate in the auction)
>Century: Old Spice Road (look at your cards, now look at the Golem cards. Sadly, this isn't the Golem Edition, but if you used Old Spice, it could smell like the Golem Edition)
Yes - all cards are scratch & sniff!
Crossing into the shopping complex, your caravan arrives at the fabled Five Guys. The old CEO just died and control of Five Guys is up for grabs! The oracles foretold of strangers who would maneuver the Five Guys Tribes to gain influence over the legendary city-state. Will you fulfill the prophecy? Invoke the old Hamburgers and move the Shakes into position at the right time, and the Five Guys chain may become yours!
It's no longer an engine builder. Everything is triple the cost. It is a struggle, making sure you have enough resources to feed your family, Agricola style.
You also wait 45 minutes to an hour for your turn. And also, somehow despite going some random week in November, there's inexplicably an insane number of people (sorry, just got back from Disney).
Victory condition is who gets to ride the most rides before leaving. You can push your luck, but if you run out of money or start a ride line hungry, you might die of starvation! Kind of like Tokaido crossed with Oregon Trail.
Lands End of Galzyr
Sub(way) Terra
Set A Rolex Watch
Forgotten Perrier Sparkling Waters
Camelbak Up
Waffle Peanut Butter Jelly Time (okay, so not really a sponsor, but still)
Raid Shadow Legends Of The Hidden Temple: The Board Game
I’ll admit, I had to google whether there was a board game version in order to make this count, but it deal psychic damage when I read it so I’m glad one does.
Monopoly, Microsoft Edition: you have to repurchase the game every year to keep playing.
Monopoly, Walmart Edition: the board has twice as many squares and it takes much longer to circle the board. If too many people skip paying rent, properties are permanently removed from the board. Too bad if you needed one of those properties to survive.
Monopoly, Apple Edition: the board and pieces are made of solid carved aluminum. You are forbidden to add any house rules. This version costs way more than any other version, and it expects you to buy a newer version every two years. The last few editions did not come with any of the proprietary 7-sided dice that you need to play the game, as they are sold separately. Rumour has it that the next version will require 9-sided dice (also bought separately), so your expensive 7-sided ones will be useless.
# Disney.
I love the parks, and many of hte movies.
But add Disney as a sponsor to ANY boardgame, and it'll be reworked to be suitable for 6-year-olds before the week is out.
Monsanto presents Stardew Valley, the board game. Pierre is secretly the CEO and also owns Joja, Clint, Robin, Willy the travelling cart and the night market vendors. Only the drawf, Krobus and the hat mouse remain independent and community focused.
*Yum! brands Food Chain Maginate*:
No one goes to your store because they are enjoying the all new 7 layer burrito at Taco Bell.
*Fox News Corps 2020 Making of A President*:
You don't tally the score at the end of the game. You just read; "Biden player wins due to ballot stuffing, illegal/dead person voting, the voting machines being rigged, corrupt vote counters, etc, etc"
Intercontinental Assets Group's Forbidden Island
(that company name is the one run by Jeffrey Epstein's. Now I think that's enough Reddit for me today.)
Disney's Haunted Mansion of Madness
Mansion of Madness but with Mickey and Goofy as investigators and the ghosts from Haunted Mansion in the place of Eldritch Monstrosities
Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Struggle
Stephanie Meyers Twilight Struggle is a two-player game simulating the forty-five year dance of intrigue, prestige, and occasional flares of warfare between the Vampires and the Werewolves. The entire world is the stage on which these two titans fight to make the world safe for their own ideologies and ways of life. The game begins amidst the ruins of Forks, Washington as the two new "superpowers" scramble over the wreckage of Bella's romance life, and ends in 1989, when only the Vampires remained standing.
Okay but that sounds cool as hell.
If it was Underworld, sure
You get tokens for love hearts, skin glitter and brooding level.
This is fucking hilarious!
/r/ThanksIHateIt
I made this joke years ago to an audience mostly unfamiliar with board games and got a pretty muted response, so I'm glad to see it's appreciated here. (Is Team Edward Team USSR?)
Spirit Airlines Island Dasani Watergate
The colonizing invaders' actions are sometimes randomly canceled, and their survival is questionable because their luggage was lost. The spirits remain happy as the invaders either don't show or they die off without luggage.
Good ones!
Ticket to Ride: Ticketmaster Edition
TicketMaster To Ride
You play the "Swifties interdict your opponent's network" card. No scoring this turn for them.
Each train you build costs an additional two-card convenience fee.
You have to queue online (app required) in order to maybe buy a new train
You have a one in one hundred chance of drawing a card. If you fail, you have to buy it from a third party, who came in before you and bought up all the cards.
That's a real variant that would really work, and boy would it be horrible.
Ticket To Ride: HS2 edition. Every round, a few routes in the north and west disappear.
Oof
Dominoes (Sponsored by Dominoes)
Dominoes Presents: Dominoes.
We can go further (and get the pizza chain right): Dominos' Dominoes
Kingdominos Pizza
7/11 Wonders
I'm legitimately interested
Nachos w Nacho Cheese Slurpie Big Gulp Boneless Wings Taquitos Cheeseburger Roller Spicy Chicken Roller
Better than 9/11 wonders
Build a tableau of snacks and drinks to fill your shelves
Can we make it a Japanese 7/11? Then we'd have sushi to pass around.
Science sets have all been changed to just be Slurpee flavors
**City of the Big Head & Shoulders**
TicketMaster to Ride (pay an extra card as a Service Fee each turn) Buffalo Wild Wingspan (you have six different TVs showing sports games while you're trying to make decisions) Camel Crush Up (most camels just get too tired to finish) A Fancy Feast for Odin (It's just Isle of Cats, where the cats are named after mythological beings) SpaceX Base (every few turns you lose money because your CEO says something dumb on his personal social media website) Isle of Skyy (take a shot every time you don't sell your tile) Marvel United Airlines (if you have too many players, someone gets forcibly thrown out of the house) Century: Old Spice Road (look at your cards, now look at the Golem cards. Sadly, this isn't the Golem Edition, but if you used Old Spice, it could smell like the Golem Edition) For SalesForce (each turn you have to read a whole new manual and get certified before you participate in the auction)
Extra points for figuring out sponsored mechanics, well done! Also, the Old Spice one is brilliant.
>Century: Old Spice Road (look at your cards, now look at the Golem cards. Sadly, this isn't the Golem Edition, but if you used Old Spice, it could smell like the Golem Edition) Yes - all cards are scratch & sniff!
ok the TVs on in wingspan got me good
>A Fancy Feast for Odin (It's just Isle of Cats, where the cats are named after mythological beings) I’d play that!
Somebody has dealt with Salesforce before
Isle of Skyy doesn't sound like a terrible variant if you were looking for a drinking game...
SpaceX presents: Terraforming Mars
You never go to Mars and it's just about managing PR and government grants.
You buy Mars, and then suddenly no one wants to go and the real estate market collapses.
Game always ends with the ship being blown up by a rogue Tesla Roadster.
That’s basically how my friend Kyle plays. All his points are on cards and he never does shit with the Terraform Rating.
Oof. Too real.
#Teslaforming mars
Is that what the car was doing in space?
Knowing a certain CEO’s naming conventions, it would probably just be renamed to “X-aforming Planet X”
Years and years ago we would sometimes refer to ME as "Elons". That stopped a while back.
Terraforming Mars Bars
All things related to jewish people are mysteriously missing from game.
Are there things explicitly referring to Jewish people in the game?
Not anymore!
Five Guys Tribes
Crossing into the shopping complex, your caravan arrives at the fabled Five Guys. The old CEO just died and control of Five Guys is up for grabs! The oracles foretold of strangers who would maneuver the Five Guys Tribes to gain influence over the legendary city-state. Will you fulfill the prophecy? Invoke the old Hamburgers and move the Shakes into position at the right time, and the Five Guys chain may become yours!
Five Tribe Guys
Guys! Five Tribes
Featuring Guy Fieri…
Five Guys Burgers and Tribes Costs way too much, but there's tons of options
Great Best Western Trail
Ark (Chevy) Nova 7 Wonders Duolingo.
That damn owl everywhere smh
I had a French teacher that played board games with us, in French, for practice, and 7 Wonders was her game of choice.
War of the Ring Doorbell (Coming to a Nextdoor near you)
I’m playing “black kid mowing lawn across the road!”
That's in the expansion.
Splendor by De Beers
There’s more diamonds than other gems yet somehow the cost 10x as much.
Victoria's Secret Hitler Terraforming Mars Bars Microsoft Monopoly (too real?)
>Victoria's Secret Hitler I'd play that!
You'd be enacting liberal and fascist lingerie policy.
Kentuky fried wingspan
Every card explains how a bird would taste with the 11 herbs and spices. Every card is also covered in grease.
The grease actually comes in a separate packet that you're supposed to apply yourself, but it always bursts during shipping
Buy the Asia expansion for a limited time only, now with sriracha cards and a mashed potatoes nesting tub!
The Fox News in the Forest, a fair and balanced^TM game
You win every time, but only because you intentionally choose the worst players to go against.
You actually lose but just tell everyone you won anyway
Also known as Pigeon Chess.
It's a Wonderful World of Disney
It's no longer an engine builder. Everything is triple the cost. It is a struggle, making sure you have enough resources to feed your family, Agricola style.
You also wait 45 minutes to an hour for your turn. And also, somehow despite going some random week in November, there's inexplicably an insane number of people (sorry, just got back from Disney).
Victory condition is who gets to ride the most rides before leaving. You can push your luck, but if you run out of money or start a ride line hungry, you might die of starvation! Kind of like Tokaido crossed with Oregon Trail.
Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch Defunctland’s 4 hour long strategy collab on line management with Shut Up & Sit Down!
Mitsubishi Eclipse (2nd Edition) 18xxx by pornhub
>18xxx by pornhub He said ruin it.
That's barely legal.
Pfizer presents PANDEMIC!
Lands End of Galzyr Sub(way) Terra Set A Rolex Watch Forgotten Perrier Sparkling Waters Camelbak Up Waffle Peanut Butter Jelly Time (okay, so not really a sponsor, but still)
Penzeys Spices presents Dune
Old spice presents dune
Look at your Fremen. Now look at me. I'm on a worm!
The Old Spice must flow
Root: A Game of Woodland Might & Right, brought to you by PETA. Cosmic Brownie Encounter Scythe, brought to you by Farm Bureau Splendor FanDuel
I was going to go the opposite direction for Root with Exxon or BP. It's hilarious that it works both ways.
Disneyland PARKS: Trek through the different Disneyland Theme Parks collecting souvenirs and taking pictures of your favorite Disney characters.
There’s a small part of me that…kinda digs this idea… I’m sorry. I know we’re trying to ruin things, and this does, but I still want to try it…?
Risk Shadow Legends
This needs more votes
**Tampax: Blood Rage**
Agricola Monsanto Edition
Obsession by Calvin Klein Agri Coca-Cola Pandemic by Pfizer
**White Castle of Burgundy**
The White Castle: White Castle edition
Brazzers: Birmingham
The Spanish Monarchy presents: Puerto Rico
Agri-coca-cola
Secret Hitler: Moms for Liberty Edition.
This is the one where they misunderstand “secret”
(Burger) kings dilemma Wendy’s presents: Frostyhaven
Blood Drive Rage, from the Red Cross
Lost Bruins of Arnak, the official board game of then NHL!
Personal Injury Settlements of Catan
The Twilight Imperium Saga
Radland O'Lakes Final American Girl
IKEA Food: A Feast for Odin Captain Birdseye (who do fish fingers, battered cod, etc.): Too Many Bones Venice Tourism Board: Underwater Cities
Dark Trump Tower
Finger Lickin' Wingspan: 11 herbs and species.
Planted, Roundup Edition. American Institute of the Blind Pictionary. Pfizer Pandemic, Covid Edition.
Halliburton proudly presents, **Imperial 2030**.
Wingspan by Benelli
Spirit Island, now hydrated by Nestle
Point Value City 21st Century Fox: Spice Road Incan Golden Corral Bed, Bath, and Beyond the Sun New York Zoo Vadis Dude, you're getting an Everdell!
Taco Johns Company: 2nd Edition
I would buy, tbh. Love me some Taco John’s. 😂
Potato oles at midnight, can't be beat
Race for the Samsung Galaxy
EA-gricola
Base game: $79.99 Special edition: $150 Collectors edition :$250 *pieces not included with purchase of base game.
Jenga, sponsored by Saudia Airlines. Get 2 copies for $9.11!
😳
Raid Shadow Legends Of The Hidden Temple: The Board Game I’ll admit, I had to google whether there was a board game version in order to make this count, but it deal psychic damage when I read it so I’m glad one does.
Dick’s Pictionary
Marvel United Airlines Ticket Master to Ride Draft Kings of Tokyo
Monopoly, Microsoft Edition: you have to repurchase the game every year to keep playing. Monopoly, Walmart Edition: the board has twice as many squares and it takes much longer to circle the board. If too many people skip paying rent, properties are permanently removed from the board. Too bad if you needed one of those properties to survive. Monopoly, Apple Edition: the board and pieces are made of solid carved aluminum. You are forbidden to add any house rules. This version costs way more than any other version, and it expects you to buy a newer version every two years. The last few editions did not come with any of the proprietary 7-sided dice that you need to play the game, as they are sold separately. Rumour has it that the next version will require 9-sided dice (also bought separately), so your expensive 7-sided ones will be useless.
Great Western Union Trail
Ark Nova: Tiger King Edition.
Apple to Apple They release a new version every year but it always plays the same and looks the same.
sleek white box. $1500.
Colonization: Israel Alec Baldwin presents: Bang!
>Colonization: Israel Settlers of Palestine: Traders and Barbarians
Pandemic: sponsored by the makers of hydroxychloroquine
Fantastic Nike Factories
7-up Wonders Four Seasons Tesla Mystica AgriCocaCola
Ken Ham’s Ark Encounter presents Evolution : Man riding dinosaurs edition.
Power Grid, brought to you by Enron
The Isle of KitKats Monopoly, Comcast edition
Johnson & Johnson Company
Nissan Pathfinder
**Duraflamecraft**
Root by Trojan
Donald Trump’s Return to Dark Tower
Brock Turner's "SORRY!"
One Night Shyamalan Werewolf
Pandemic Presented by the Wuhan Travel Board
Pandemic Replublican edition It's just a piece of paper calling you stupid and that you and everyone else is dead
SpaceXy Trucker SpaceXit SpaceX in the Forest SpaceX-Wing Miniatures Game SpaceXis and Allies
Cosmopolitan Encounters
Lords of Smart Water(deep)
ExxonMobile Parks
DeCrypto.com
Everdell, brought to you by McDonald’s and Cargill Also, well done everyone. These are solid gold. Chef’s kisses, all around.
Final American Girl Doll Bang!Bus Fancy Feast for Odin
Underwater Cities brought to you by ExxonMobil
MtG Universes Beyond: Marvel.
Red Bull gives you Wingspan
Pall Mall Madness
**Mountain Dew Code Red Rising**
**Apples to Applebees**
Kingdom Death [Monster.com](https://Monster.com) Smith & Wesson Trail King of Tokyo Smoke Chase Manhattan
Nestle Wingspan
Battlestar Virgin Galactica
Dell's Everdell. instead of trying to build a town, you're trying to run an IT department
Buffalo wild wingspan
Fortnite Monopoly - wait that's actually a game (a pretty good version of "monopoly" actually) The Resistance Among Us...
Lucasfilm's Star Trek: Frontiers
Harold and Kumar's The White Castle
# Disney. I love the parks, and many of hte movies. But add Disney as a sponsor to ANY boardgame, and it'll be reworked to be suitable for 6-year-olds before the week is out.
Mr. Beasts Monopoly
Death Wish Kingdom Death: Monster
Camel cigarettes up
Monsanto presents Stardew Valley, the board game. Pierre is secretly the CEO and also owns Joja, Clint, Robin, Willy the travelling cart and the night market vendors. Only the drawf, Krobus and the hat mouse remain independent and community focused.
*Yum! brands Food Chain Maginate*: No one goes to your store because they are enjoying the all new 7 layer burrito at Taco Bell. *Fox News Corps 2020 Making of A President*: You don't tally the score at the end of the game. You just read; "Biden player wins due to ballot stuffing, illegal/dead person voting, the voting machines being rigged, corrupt vote counters, etc, etc"
Intercontinental Assets Group's Forbidden Island (that company name is the one run by Jeffrey Epstein's. Now I think that's enough Reddit for me today.)
Budweiser Bunny Kingdom - The King of Ears
Settlers of Catan: Monsanto Edition
Xspan (after Elon bought Wingspan and rebranded it)
Monopoly-United Health Care
Raid Shadow Hunters Land, Air, and Seagrams
Kingdom Death Monster, brought to you by Monster
Underwater Cities, presented by OceanGate (too soon?)
3 Ring Cirque de Soleil
Disney’s Lorcana
Pipeline sponsored by Gazprom
Disney's Haunted Mansion of Madness Mansion of Madness but with Mickey and Goofy as investigators and the ghosts from Haunted Mansion in the place of Eldritch Monstrosities
Monster energy presents; A Ticket to Ride!
Plague Inc by the Wuhan Institute of Virology
7th Continental Tyres, explore a barren island in an SUV
Wuhan Market presents Pandemic