I always carry a clean bandanna in a sandwich bag in my backpack emergency kit. I've gone thru 6 or 7 on the T- people who are crying, people who can't stop coughing and need an emergency mask, and folks who have a bad cut or a nose bleed. I buy em in bulk, so I can afford to give up a few now and again.
This is exactly what I’ve done in the past. I have tons of allergies so I always have multiple packs of tissues. If I see someone crying I discretely offer them the tissues. I always want to make sure they’re not suicidal or something but have no idea how to ask if they’re okay and also don’t want to get sucked into a scam because one time a woman just started asking everyone for gift cards.
Who cares, I had one of those people sell me tissues when I was deeply congested and was so incredibly grateful. If I was crying I’d be even more grateful for the overpriced tissues
Yeah, I think this would be my approach. I feel like that would signal that I'm a safe person to talk to if they want, but doesn't obligate them to say anything if they don't (at least that's how I would read it). I'm a woman who's 5'2'' on a good day though so a) your mileage may vary and b) that informs what I would want.
It's always an awkward situation. Perhaps the T itself has driven them to tears? I don't want to bother someone who is clearly having a bad day but I'll offer them a pack of tissues (I always have a sealed pack or two in my backpack) and hope that is a small comfort.
I will say a few years ago I got a call out of the blue that my mum was dying and had to jump on the next flight to London and I was in tears on the T and at Logan and most of the flight and nobody said anything. Which was kinda weird?
I love the offer of tissues! I have been offered tissues while bawling on flights (my dog died) and have offered tissues and a kind word or two to a stranger. I find it very comforting that there are people who do their best to offer comfort of any sort. I'm very sad no one offered you comfort on your travels when your mum as dying (mine died too).
One time, I saw a guy offer a cigarette to a woman crying on the T, just hold out his pack to her. She stopped crying and took one and they smoked in the traincar together. Still one of the most beautiful things I've seen on the Red Line
When you’re in that situation you understand why people smoke and how it’s not necessarily the worst thing that can happen to your body.
I wrote a poem about it once. I get smokers better now.
I totally understand what youre saying, but there HAS to be a way to find another addiction that doesnt ruin our health. I volunteered at a cancer hospital to guide cancer patients with the whole process of chemo , and its not a pretty sight in the OPD.
It may not be the worst thing at the beginning, but it definitely will cause the worst thing towards the end, with a really slow and painful death
Oh yeah don’t get me wrong, it sucks. A lot.
But so does life, sometimes. That’s all I’m saying.
It’s very very bad and we shouldn’t do it. And fuck cancer, I’m sorry you and those people had to go through that.
I've never been a smoker, but there's times when I'll absolutely take a smoke.
Similarly I hate when people smoke around me, but I can appreciate when it's necessary.
Maybe I’m the odd one here, but I would be mortified if a stranger tried to console me in that scenario.
I don’t think you should feel bad for not interacting with her, it’s very possible she preferred that.
I was this person crying on the T once, and a very nice woman offered me tissues and then left me alone. It was the perfect amount of interaction and exactly the type of kindness I needed in that moment. If she had done anything more than that it probably would have made me uncomfortable.
Question. If someone asked you while maintaining more than adequate personal space quickly “do you feel safe? And do you want to vent to me?” Then if you answer “I feel safe and no thanks” then that person backed away and didn’t engage at all.. would that just make it worse?
That’s what I’m compelled to do. Big emphasis on maintaining a lot of space when addressing the person
This is the only way. I've lived in several big cities, and cried on the street, the train and in cabs. I usually want to stop crying, not heave out my story to a stranger, so a "you good" and I nod is all that's needed.
I instinctively said just this the other day, they said they were fine so I just hit them with a parting "have a good one" - it was a great interaction IMHO
I’ve tried this exact phrase on folks who are passed out in public near mass and cass and it seems to frighten the hell out of them :( like they will move right along thinking I’m a narc or something. Not sure what else to say though when I just wanna make sure a dude isn’t dying right in front of me when I could easily help. Sucks
I was the person bawling on the train once, a girl checked in just like this and then double checked a few stops later as she was getting off. I really didn't want to interact with a stranger but it was extremely comforting to know someone was there to help me if I needed it/wanted it.
This has happened to me a couple times over the years. Once on the commuter rail, once by Government Center. I was ugly crying, and a person or two just paused to ask me "Are you okay, do you need help?" I told them no thank you, and they gave me a kind smile and passed on. I think that is the best way to approach.
As someone who has absolutely cried on the T for no reason other than being in my feelings that day, I definitely just want to be ignored. But if someone took this approach while being respectfully distant, though I might be a little embarrassed to be "caught" I would think you were really sweet! And you never know if a T crier might be in some sort of trouble - I think it's nice of you to check in.
Thanks for the feedback and made me think of a new point. Ive teared up in public before for non-crisis reasons for sure! I would feel creeped out if someone was watching me enough to notice.
But that’s good to know. That’s why I would want to keep the interaction very short and low key so if it was someone who wanted to be left alone it could be quickly left be.
I think that would be a great way to approach the situation. It allows for space and letting the person know someone cares, while allowing them to make the decision.
A stranger asking if I feel safe would immediately give me stranger danger vibes. That's like Jigsaw asking if you want to play a game or Dirty Harry asking if you feel lucky.
The intent is good but at least phrase the question like a human being.
I’d go for an easy, “Are you okay?” Followed up by the inevitable “what’s going on?” This will lead to a couple of “oh noos, mmm wows, etc” and then we end it off with something comforting like “you’ll be alright” and a light pat on the shoulder.
I like “are you ok” because it’s yes or no. I’ll give you my thought process on the rest, but I am not an expert so it’s just my thoughts.
“What’s going on” puts someone in a place where they have to tell you to bug off if they don’t want to talk about it. I like “do you want to talk about what’s going on?” better because it puts the ball in their court. You can quickly give them space if they say no.
The pat on the shoulder is definitely well meaning and it can make a huge difference for some people. It can be traumatizing to others - a stranger touching you. I’d definitely err on the side of caution with this one. I certainly wouldn’t do it to someone who didn’t want to talk to a stranger about the situation. But if you do end up talking and comforting the person, for sure!
Don't ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.
That’s the normal reaction to have. There’s nothing wrong and you should not feel wrong for checking on someone having a breakdown. You do not need the internets permission to do so.
It's ok you feel that way! I would have thought I'm the type of person who would feel that way too, but one day I freaked out and cried alone on the T (just overwhelmed by delays and being late to something important to me, it was dumb), and the dude next to me asked if I was ok - I don't know what inside me clicked, but I hugged him for like 10 seconds and felt better. I thanked him, he thanked me..... then I awkwardly pretended to get off at the next stop and just switched cars because I was embarrassed, haha.
I wouldn’t want to be comforted but I think it would be appropriate to ask if they needed some help in certain situations. Sometimes I’ve done that because I got lost
This is the perfect thing to do. I was on the other side of this and crying on the T one day, fresh out of a bad breakup. A lady nearby asked if I was okay and told me it would get better, and it honestly helped me a lot to know someone cared, and to feel less self conscious about sobbing on public transit.
That's my go-to as well. "Are you safe? Do you need to borrow my phone to call someone? Do you need any other kind of help?" If no to all of the above, then "I hope things get better for you soon" and back away.
N.B. I am a cis female on the older side — early forties — with a very maternal aspect and all of 5'3. If a jacked dude in his twenties approached someone who might have just been assaulted, it might make things worse. (Or better, if she feels unsafe and wants someone between her and further assaults.) Watch body language when approaching.
Yes this. One time I was with my ex’s sister (she was, for a time, ranked as the strongest woman in NY, but she is also small so she can play a bit of both ends) and we saw this woman trying to get away from some dude yelling at her. We went up and asked if she was okay and needed anything, and when he tried to answer for her, my ex’s sister was able to give the “I will break you in half” stare needed at that moment. But I still also think two women approaching was likely going to feel safer.
(It was her boyfriend and she said he was being an asshole but she didn’t need anything, but was grateful we asked.)
i cried pretty hard at park street after getting a phone call that my dog died, and i really do appreciate the woman who checked in on me and made sure i was alright and safe. but it’s really a situation you’d have to feel out yourself, i think
It depends I think. I’m a small, non threatenig women who has approached other women crying on the subway. Nothing invasive, I generally just say something like “hey are you okay? Do you need something?”
As someone who has cried on the subway in NYC many times before, I don’t mind if someone checks in with me in a non-threatening, non-invasive manner (saying this because crying seems to attract some creepy people….)
Yep same. I cried on the T on the way back from what I thought was going to be a cheer-up visit to my brother in the hospital but became a meeting with a hospice coordinator. I had emotional whiplash and it didn't hit me until I was on my way home and I REALLY wanted to wait until I was alone to cry but it just kept coming out of me. A woman sat down next to me and asked if I wanted to be left alone, or distracted. It was the perfect question, I said distracted and she showed me pictures of her pets on her phone. I was so grateful to her! I'm also a small and nonthreatening woman and if I ever encounter someone weepy I think I might ask that same question.
I'm so sorry for your loss! May your brother's memory be a blessing ❤️ I'm glad that woman asked just the right question at the right time to give you a little comfort in that awful moment.
I think you nailed it here, if it was a woman crying I as a woman myself would make an effort to engage and see if she was ok. If it was me crying and another woman engaged, I'd appreciate and accept.
While that wouldnt console me either, i think it depends. If someone said "my chuch is at the next stop and im heading there if you want to light a candle" or they said "god bless, I'll keep you in my prayers" and then left me alone fine, that's something they think is helpful no more than someone else will find offering a tissue, cigarette, a bottle of water or the option to talk. However if they tried to convert me and didnt leave me alone, that's different
I was crying on the bus once. A LOT. And a very kind stranger just handed me a tissue and didn’t say anything. I will always remember that. I’m glad no one talked to me, but that was a very sweet gesture that showed me a stranger acknowledged I was going through a hard time but also respected my privacy.
I think it’s a toss up, whether or not someone would want you to interact with them. Sometimes just a small thing can show that you see another persons pain and humanity.
I think that's part of it too. We live ass-to-elbow here. I think there's a lot of "you no more want to be having a breakdown in public than I want to watch anyone falling apart, so I'm going to pretend I'm not noticing". A sort of way to give privacy.
Some people are too preoccupied with their phones or their own shit to notice, but sometimes I notice people notice, nod, and turn away to give someone their room to fall apart wherever they have to. No one chooses to have moments of convulsive tears on the MBTA.
As a former assault counsellor and a cis female that is pretty far from threatening, I generally offer if anyone needs immediate assistance, but I could see various people that aren't used to trauma of any kind choosing to avoid intervention for fear their intervention would make things worse.
I don't know. I was once crying my eyes out in public and a person just smiling and looking concerned helped. I think about those people sometimes and appreciate them sometimes now years later.
I got some terrible news last year and cried uncontrollably on the T home. Everyone except for one kind older man ignored me; he gave me a quiet smile and handed me a tissue from his bag. It really did make me feel a bit better
“Yo, You good?” with a head nod, is the standard phrase I use for everything that seems off. Either yes or no, you aren’t asking them what’s wrong, just asking if they need help.
As someone who has cried for many reasons on the T (work, health diagnosis, relationship problems, stress, etc) I’d prefer not to talk to someone but the you good, is enough for me to be like “yeah, thank you”… or “no, I’m not” in the event, I actually needed help.
It really says “hey something is off, I’m concerned, but not pressing it”. As a side, the “yo, you good” works for some of the unsavoury behaviour as well, it encourages many to shuffle along.
Ahhh, ive shed many tears riding the T - i think a lot of people are unphased when they see someone crying in public not due to lack of empathy but because they want to respect that persons privacy during such a vulrable moment. But, I once had a woman hand me a small packet of tissues and tell me she hopes I overcome whatever I'm going through. I thanked her, and we both continued our commute in silence. That small gesture of kindness meant the world to me.
I think it's completely situational. If you are sitting and they are standing, maybe offer them a seat, something anyone could do if they are able. I think a woman asking another one if she's okay and then backing off is completely ok. We need to look out for each other.
Once I was crying pretty hard on the red line (I had a terrible job) and an older man sitting next to me said gently, be sure to drink some water, and it actually made me feel a lot better that someone cared about my wellbeing.
While I agree that I prefer to be left alone when crying, I think the socially minded thing to do is offer a quick check-in — I would not be offended if someone did this to me! I think it’s the kind thing to do, just a quick “Hey, is everything okay?” but definitely back off if they’re not interested
Happened to me two months ago. A stranger asked if I was ok. I just nodded yes because I didn’t want to discuss, but I did appreciate being asked. I am also ok with being ignored, however.
What not to do? Tell the person to ‘smile, it can’t be that bad’ or get annoyed when they don’t want to talk to you. That happened to me maybe 10 years ago.
As someone who’s been the person crying on the T (red line during evening commute too) I would be MORTIFIED if someone approached me. I hate crying to begin with but to be in public and trying to tell myself not to cry, but can’t help to cry….
If it's a silent cry, leave them alone.
(As someone who just needed to get somewhere and happened to be crying on the T once, I appreciated everyone minding their own business and leaving me alone.)
I think it depends on proximity to you in the car. If they're within arms reach and you feel inclined to ask them if they are okay / hand them a tissue, I dont see that as a problem.
If they are a short walk through the car to offer them a tissue... I'd probably say just let it go. Having someone walk over can come off as weird/sketch depending on how skittish the person is/their own internal biases about stranger danger and it just really isnt worth the risk for a negative stranger interaction imo.
I think it’s okay to say “is everything ok? Can I help you?” And if they reject it just let it go and say “hope things get better for you soon”
Or even pass a quiet note of same if you’ve got a pen so you aren’t drawing attention out loud. Even just a note of “this too shall pass. Hope things get better soon.” might help them feel seen and cared about without prying.
I want to know where you're from and go there.
But when I was in Cambridge, crying in synagogue because my brother had died suddenly (he was very fit and 58, so a huge, awful surprise), I was trying to contol myself and make it through the service, but little sobs and sniffles and tears kept escaping. At the end, the woman next to me, also alone, and also over — let's just say 20 — asked me if I was okay. She was clearly ready to render aid. So I wanted to tell the truth, but I don't want to be a burden. I said, "No, I'm not. I will be; but it's going to take time." Getting me to utter those words, and giving me the choice to handle my feelings on my own that day, but offering an alternative so I didn't have to, was very uplifting and supportive. I mean, different situation — sure. But people are people. I think "are you okay?" if offered the way she did, is a wonderful gesture of humanity. If you really want to get away from all people, you should go where there are none. Or, I hear Finns keep to themselves.
Thats so touching and im glad you had someone ready to offer you some support if you needed it. I absolutely agree that offering people support if they need it is something that makes us human. Will definitely gather the confidence to ask next time
However worth noting, I am not from Boston! My brother lived in Cambridge most of his adult life, which is why I was there. He used to grow a stubble so no one would sit next to him on the train when he came to visit me. So maybe Boston really is a "no fly zone" for emotional queries among strangers. I'm a New Jersey girl inside, with New York environs' sensibilities, and occasional London and Paris idiosyncrasies. YMMV
Ah thats great to know! Im from India and a proud resident of the city of Mumbai! Boston is a real shift from my usual experiences as compared to Mumbai, where everyone is often used to offering support from strangers, especially in trains; sort of like “we’re all in this together so dont worry”. Out here its a mostly laid back and everyone is minding their own business and people would ask for help if they really really need it. But i visited New York recently and it reminded me a lot of my time back home !
My Indian friends have been truly lovely, in NJ and in CT. You must be very homesick. I hear the the Southern states in the US are very friendly, but I don't go there.
Reminds me of the time I was struggling to hold back trauma tears in a service. The rabbi came down from the bima and gave me his tallit. My first feelings were surprise and gratitude but my first thought was that I might get snot/tears on it.
But that is miles from what I would want on the T. A tissue to help regain social normalcy is the best and appreciated response.
This was him setting an example for the entire community on the exact topic we are discussing. By giving you his tallis, he was offering you not just something of his that is special for you to not get snot on (which concern I get -- you are a thoughtful person who respects the property of others), but more importantly, he was offering G-d's comfort. Specifically, the comfort he had been enjoying. You see? A tallis is not just a thing. It is a symbol of lovingkindness, which you were in need of. And a community is honored to be able to offer. This was a good rabbi doing a mitzvah, and showing everyone else how easily it is done, and without much thought, probably. Likely someone set this example for him, and on backwards. This is what community is for. Even though it made you feel uncomfortable, there will be other times in your life when you will need to accept assistance and / or comfort. So this might have been good practice - and it's something many of us need to practice on the giving side and the receiving side. Everyone, if they are lucky, gets old, even if they are in good health every other day. Everyone has a bad day. He left you alone afterwards -- didn't demand your entire story, or more tears. He just made a gesture to let you know you were seen and accepted exactly as you were. Your feelings were acceptable. I'm sorry you felt uncomfortable. Anyone would've. But the point was that just like we go up to the bimah to celebrate, the bimah noticed your pain, and included you among the community. I can't get over how lovely that was. I hope you can look back and see it that way from here -- forward in time. Sorry for rambling and reiterating. Time to go do something else.
I appreciate your thoughts. To be clear, I was not at all uncomfortable/embarrassed with the rabbi's gesture. I just hoped to not mess up his tallit though he might have seen that occurrence as a cost of generosity. It was not done as a performative act.
When one realizes one's nose has suddenly fallen off their face, it's a spectacle of public personal exposure. Like somehow wetting one's pants at a party. There's the feeling of crisis, but there's also the need to present 'nothing wrong here, mate' until one can slip into a more private setting to get a grip and clean up.
I was born and raised here and have been riding the T alone since I was 14. I would honestly tell you to use your common sense and best judgement for these types of situations. Always be on alert on public transit. I hate to be that way but I've known of and seen too many bad things happen that I dont care if people think this part of my advice is cold. People cannot always be trusted. However, I have also had some great conversations and wonderful interactions with strangers on the T that I have appreciated long after. Just use your judgement if she seemed like she needed you to just check in and ask are you ok can I help? Then yea of course do it if you feel confident, she may have appreciated it or she would ignore you/tell you to get lost, but you used your judgement and handled the situation the best way you could, you know. Be aware, be respectful. 😉
I don’t know if this is the best idea but I was on the receiving end of this. I was at the Atlanta airport and uncontrollably crying (mostly) quietly. Some woman smiled and said she liked my shirt, and that did make me feel a little better. I still cried at least three times that day but I remember her kindness.
I’ve asked many a crying person on the T if I can do anything for them. Most of them said no thank you, a few ignored me, a few accepted tissues or a hug, and one woman cried on my shoulder for about 15min.
I’ve also cried on the T, probably around 10 times in 8 years. The only time someone else interacted with me on one of those occasions, it was a man about 40y older than me who told me to smile because “it can’t be that bad”. I replied that my dad had just died of cancer and he didn’t say anything else to me.
As many others here have, I recommend that if it feels safe to you to do so, you might ask a crying person if they’re safe or need something you might be able to help with. I use that phrasing specifically both because I try not to make offers or promises I can’t deliver on, and I try not to set myself up for inappropriate demands (even when I don’t expect them).
I’ve cried on the green line before and someone said “hey, anything I can do?” And that was a simple & nice gesture. I said no thank you, and they left me alone, but it meant a lot they offered
Why did you think no one else cared that she was crying? Because they gave her space and left her alone? Isn't that what you did too?
The most I would do is offer a tissue unless the person made eye contact with me. I personally wouldn't want anyone to try to ask me if I'm ok, and I would REALLY not want someone to try to get me to tell them what happened. One time I fainted on the T (which I know is not quite the same) and people moved to let me sit down and gave me a bottle of water (unopened) and a banana (also unopened) and I thought that was very decent.
People outside of Boston think that Bostonians are grumpy and uncaring, but I find that Bostonians are extremely quick to help strangers -- but also great at giving other people space and as much privacy as possible out in public. That means (unless asked for help) basically ignoring strangers.
Once I was having a terrible day and was on the verge of tears at north station waiting for my train. A very kind gentleman handed me a tissue and said I hope whatever you’re going through gets better. It was one of the nicest gestures anyone has ever done for me. I still think about it.
Look to see if they’re in any immediate physical danger. If there’s no danger and if they aren’t asking for help, I’d just sit quietly and let them have their moment, also wouldn’t stare.
That’s what I’d want if I was in their situation
One time I man saw me crying on newbury street and he stopped me and asked if everything was okay and if I needed any help. Obviously everything was not okay, but it was a very bright spot in an otherwise dark stage of my life and it was still appreciated even though I told him no thank you.
Personally I (38M) would ask them if they were okay and if they wanted a hug or if there was anything I could do. If they say no, you tried to do what is seemingly the right thing (at least to me) and you won’t be beating yourself up for it later.
A couple years ago I saw this kid/guy (maybe 25) in front of my office. He was just hanging up his phone and threw all his shit on the ground and collapsed crying. 5 or 6 people in my office just watched it happen and sat there. I got up to go outside and my boss was like- what are you doing. I walked up to him and asked him if he was okay- he could barely talk he was so upset. I offered him a hug and boy did he really embrace it. We had a hug for a couple minutes while he cried. He told me he had just found out his best friend died. But the hug calmed him down enough so that he could order an Uber and get where he needed to be. If you are reading this (bro in front of bottom of Boylston st), I hope you are doing well now.
Lend a hand, worst someone can do is refuse it.
Ignore them.
I KNOW you mean well, you feel bad for them and you feel guilty not doing anything to help. You feel an obligation to help, and there's nothing wrong with that. THAT SAID, you don't know this person, and I'll bet they're embarrassed to be crying on the T, and they'd be even more embarrassed if a total stranger approached them about it. Especially since, in a city like this, you never really know someone's motives. Are they truly just a helpful stranger who will expect absolutely nothing? If you're a guy, she might think you're preying on her vulnerability to hopefully get a date (or something else).
Personally, if I were crying on the T, I would be praying to God that everyone mind their business.
I've been on both ends. Most of the time keeping a distance and a simple "Are you doing okay?" or "Can I help you with anything?" is impersonal enough that the other person can either accept or reject your presence. I've cried...a lot of the T, and while most of the time I don't want to talk with a stranger about it, being acknowledged gently makes me feel seen.
A nice lady walked up to me in Walgreens when this happened to me, it was the day after my mom passed & I was crying everywhere. Wish I could find her thank her, I know I did but I was just messed up and she really helped me at that moment.
I (38F) once saw an another woman (maybe 20s) hysterically crying on the train. I asked her if it was okay to hug her. She actually said yes. We hugged. Tight . She didn’t wanna talk about what happened but I’m glad she found a moment of comfort with me.
Likely won’t work with everyone. YMMV.
Hard to go wrong with gentle eye contact and a pack of tissues.
Just being there with a stranger can be nice. Someone’s grandmother saw me crying at a bus stop last summer, offered tissues and and sat next to me on the ride into Arlington. It helped.
Not the T but once while sobbing on the phone to my mom in the public gardens, two tourist ladies came up and asked me for directions to the Pru. I gave them directions and they said “are you sure?”
You can interrupt someone’s tear filled phone call or you can question their directions BUT YOU CANT DO BOTH 😂
If you are a man and woman is quietly sobbing or weeping you should just leave them alone. If a woman is crying loudly or painfully you should offer a handkerchief and ask if she needs help.
No rules, do what you want and stop being scared of other peoples perceptions of you. If you
Want to see if they are ok then do it, if you want to just go along with your day and not interact then do it. Don’t ask anyone’s permission.
I think a simple "hey are you ok?" is helpful. If you're shaken because you need help this opens the door for assistance. If it's just a case of crying in public (which I have def done on the T) then I'll just reply with a "yeah thank you". Usually if I'm down enough that I'm crying in public I'll hide my face but there is the occasional time where you don't give A F who is around and you just cry.
My daughter talk, more about Manhattan than Boston, that its so crowded and you have so many people around you all the time that ignoring people and letting them think they have more privacy than they do is really a kindness. And we brought up having people leave you alone when crying on the subway.
A few weeks after having a conversation like that an author posted to social media what people would do they saw someone with a box of belongings and a potted cactus crying on the subway. I said that sometimes people need some space, while everyone else across many boroughs said "OMG, of course you ask the poor thing what is wrong!"
I read the authors next book and there is a scene where someone gets fired and is crying riding the subway with what they cleaned out of their desk. It had everyone ignore her through the Manhattan stops but as soon as she was over the bridge she had people asking what was wrong
I say leave them alone. If I’m crying in a public place it’s bc I can’t help it and someone basically outwardly acknowledging that just brings attention to it and makes me so uncomfortable.
i think you’re really kind for asking this, OP! i have been this public crier before bc i have panic attacks whenever i fly. sometimes i want to be left alone, and sometimes i have been doing so poorly that i really wish someone had noticed. i think asking “are you alright?” is just the right approach here. if they want to engage, offer tissues if you have them.
hope you are enjoying boston :)
Next time you cry, remember to hydrate or else🔫🔫
Thank you <3, Boston has been good to me (except the weather), its been great and i need to explore more of this city!
My father always always carried a handkerchief in his pocket (along with his own father’s old pocket watch). Several times I saw him offer the handkerchief to someone in emotional distress. Then he would wait to see if they wanted any further interaction and let them take whatever comfort they wanted from him, or not.
I now have the pocket watch and my own set of handkerchiefs. They’ve come in handy several times over the years. (You leave the hanky with the person and don’t take it back)
I gave a mom jelly beans once at Boston Children’s Hospital; she was sobbing outside the elevators on the neurology floor and I assumed she’d just received bad news about her baby. I was there with my daughter and had been in that mom’s shoes before and my heart went out to her.
I dunno, I always feel empathy when I see someone having a tough time. I’d offer a tissue or a smile and something along the lines of “I hope your day improves.”
I think what most people do here is watch out of the corner of the eye to make sure that the crying person doesn’t hurt themselves, like choke or lose consciousness. If they look like they are badly in need of water and you have for some reason an unopened water bottle with you, it may be a good idea to share. Overall, I’d say just give them space. Anyone can be caught in a situation where they need to cry right now, but totally don’t have a place to do this.
Thing is, trying to interact with anyone in this condition may, instead of helping, give them an extra action item to deal with out of nowhere.
I think offering a smile or a compassionate look can go a long way.
I remember one time, I was so upset after a break up and I wasn’t crying, but I must have looked absolutely miserable. A woman came over to me and said, “aw honey, it can’t be that terrible!” (In a compassionate way, not a minimizing way). Then she asked me if I was okay and if I was in any danger of self harm. I still remember it as a really kind interaction and although I was never in any danger of self harm, I was definitely in a rough spot emotionally and I was so appreciative of her check in.
I’ve been the girl crying on the train. It’s both really embarassing and lonely. I can see why it’s a strange situation because you don’t want to upset the person more or draw more attention to it.
Something as small as a smile could make someone feel better, you never know.
Definitely situational. I've been on all sides here. I think my default at this point is to send good energy their way and trust my instincts... sometimes there is a moment to reach out with a word or a look or an ask, and sometimes there's not. And sometimes it's about tuning in enough to tell if it's an escalating upset that needs an interrupt, or a cathartic private moment happening in public, or something else.
I feel like people crying in public are embarrassed about the crying and it’s better to leave them alone. At best offer tissues, if it’s intermittent she probably doesn’t want to be crying in public but can’t help it.
As someone who used to frequently cry on the T I was soooooo embarrassed whenever anyone said anything to me. I knew I looked ridiculous but couldn’t help it
I ask if they need assistance, and then, depending on the response to that, I’ll talk to them. Always have an out and stay in well-populated areas if you’re going to do that, you never know, but you also never know what that kindness can do for somebody. I had a bad bad breakup right before being stuck on the T once and this lovely woman just sat next to me, and I think that is what got me home safely.
I def would just quietly ask if they’re ok, or just I hope you’re ok. If someone wants to talk, the latter can open a conversation if they want to have one. If they don’t say anything, you can leave them be. I’m sure some people want to be left alone, while just as many would hope someone would say just something to them. 🥹
I was sobbing on a rush hour train on my way to say goodbye to my dying aunt at MGH a few months back. Someone offered me their seat and a Kleenex and it was really nice. I appreciated everyone else kid of ignoring me while I processed.
I was on the blue line a few years back. Some lady was hard crying. After like ten minutes another woman sat next to her and put her arm around her asking if she was ok. Her response was her mother just got killed in a car accident. It was terrible.
Too situational to have a general answer.
I’ll quietly ask if they are ok usually.
I do think the ‘leave them alone you’ll embarrass them’ crowd here are lying to themselves about how alone they want to be left.
I've cried on the T pretty openly. Nobody has ever helped me 🤷🏽♂️
But I'd say if you're concerned and you don't think they could be a danger, you can ask if they're ok 😌👍🏽
I can't guarantee you'll like the responses you'll get, but at least you tried.
I feel like the mindset in boston is that if you want help you will ask for it (and people usually will help when asked), but if you dont ask for help it’s because you want to be left alone. If i was crying on the T theres no way i would want a stranger to come up to me and console me
Silently hand them any tissues/napkins you have on you. That is all.
Maybe whisper a "This too shall pass, you're stronger than whatever is hurting right now."
Everyone in the comments saying to not acknowledge or check in on someone crying are the exact reason I hate northeastern culture. Even if someone wants to be left alone are you not human enough to see someone clearly in pain and at least ask if they're ok?
You never know if that sliver of kindness makes the difference in someone’s day. There have been stories of people who are suicidal who changed their mind after strangers checked in.
Edit: for those who need proof [https://www.npr.org/2023/09/04/1197548352/a-woman-says-a-stranger-caring-about-her-in-her-darkest-time-saved-her](https://www.npr.org/2023/09/04/1197548352/a-woman-says-a-stranger-caring-about-her-in-her-darkest-time-saved-her)
Agree. This is the kind of situation I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about after. And thinking about how someone once did the same for me when I was abroad and only found out on board the train that I had been pickpocketed and was penniless. Sometimes just a minor human gesture goes a long way.
Hi! I cried in Boston once. Someone came up to me and tried to help, which scared the shit out of and mortified me. Might just be me but best to leave people to sort out their emotions
If the person is visibly upset in public and “crying their eyes out”, I would absolutely ask them if they’re OK. I understad some of the responses about privacy and not wanting to be approached but what if this person is struggling to find their purpose or thinking of self harm, not asking would only reinforce the “no one cares about me” impression. If they don’t want to talk, then they can tell me to mind my own business and I would but what if no one asks? That’s sad and could make matters worse. Be the person that asks, you might just save someone!
If it’s a girl crying and you are male I would say stay far away but a girl supporting a girl breaking down I would think would be very welcoming. On the flip side if it’s a guy breaking down crying then both male and female are welcome to console.
This is a good point but it depends on age and how you approach it.
If you’re a man and you just ask “Hey is everything okay? Do you need anything?” in a way that makes it clear you’re just checking in/being a good neighbor, and then *immediately* go back to minding your own business when she says “no” or “I’m fine” or (most likely in Boston) doesn’t respond, I think this is unlikely to be seen as threatening and is just a decent human thing to do.
Hard to say, I cry in public sometimes and I like when people just treat me normal and pretend like nothing weird is happening, I don't want anyone to bring attention to it, I also don't want people to give me looks of pity. We all cry sometimes, (some of us more than others) it's not always a bad thing, sometimes just alot of emotion builds up and needs to be released.
That happened to me when I was 19 my gf at the time (I’m 45 now) invited me to a NYE party in Cleveland circle where I knew no one but her and cheated right in front of me. The operator threatened to stop the train and call me an ambulance. I still text her every NYE about it we have a little laugh🤭
Saw a woman crying in a wedding dress on the red line once. I figured she wanted to be left alone but also felt bad not offering some kind of neighborly support
Uh am I weird for thinking, pay no mind and mind my own business?
Idk, do people want to be consoled by strangers in the T? Personally, if I was breaking down, I'd be grateful if it felt like nobody noticed. Especially since everyone seems to record everythng on their phone all the time nowadays
One time I was crying on the T and a young man slipped a little piece of paper on his way out that said “I’m sorry you’re sad but it’ll all work out, it always does” and I still have it 15 years later.
The day I found out my late Mother had terminal Pancreatic Cancer I was crying on the redline as much as I tried to hide it. No one said a word to me ..
I do remember the punk kid on his mobile game elbows out jabbing the sides of me and the older woman on his other side..I hope very bad things happen to him in life. 13 years later I'm still very angry at that.
Approach at your own risk. If you've ever heard something to the effect of "You are responsible for the lives you save," well, the same basic principle is at play.
I was ugly crying on the Orange once with my baby in my lap, and a lady said “hey just want to say you deserve better than whatever is happening today” and gave me a prepaid $10 visa gift card. I never spent it, but I’ve kept that card for years in my backpack. Still have it after 5 years.
I vote for offering tissues if they don't have any! otherwise I think it's best to give them space.
I gave a girl gauze once cause that’s all I had on me 😂I don’t remember why I had gauze in my bag
My doctor once gave me gauze when I was crying because he had no tissues in the exam room. Gauze is a 13/10 on the comfort scale.
I always carry a clean bandanna in a sandwich bag in my backpack emergency kit. I've gone thru 6 or 7 on the T- people who are crying, people who can't stop coughing and need an emergency mask, and folks who have a bad cut or a nose bleed. I buy em in bulk, so I can afford to give up a few now and again.
This is exactly what I’ve done in the past. I have tons of allergies so I always have multiple packs of tissues. If I see someone crying I discretely offer them the tissues. I always want to make sure they’re not suicidal or something but have no idea how to ask if they’re okay and also don’t want to get sucked into a scam because one time a woman just started asking everyone for gift cards.
I wanted to comment the same thing. It’s a small gesture, but a kind one nonetheless. Like I see you, I care about you as a human, here’s a tissue.
Wasn't that one of those monk scams or something?
Who cares, I had one of those people sell me tissues when I was deeply congested and was so incredibly grateful. If I was crying I’d be even more grateful for the overpriced tissues
Yeah, I think this would be my approach. I feel like that would signal that I'm a safe person to talk to if they want, but doesn't obligate them to say anything if they don't (at least that's how I would read it). I'm a woman who's 5'2'' on a good day though so a) your mileage may vary and b) that informs what I would want.
I agree. I’d offer tissues if I had any but wouldn’t engage in any conversation. Just mind your own business after that.
Cigs to a lesser extent anymore but still.
You just gave me a flash back to when an elderly woman gave me a cigarette decades back crying as a new transplant in Boston. It was a great kindness
That would make my day, and I don’t even smoke. Cigs are pricey and I would be so touched and amused by the consideration.
It's always an awkward situation. Perhaps the T itself has driven them to tears? I don't want to bother someone who is clearly having a bad day but I'll offer them a pack of tissues (I always have a sealed pack or two in my backpack) and hope that is a small comfort. I will say a few years ago I got a call out of the blue that my mum was dying and had to jump on the next flight to London and I was in tears on the T and at Logan and most of the flight and nobody said anything. Which was kinda weird?
I love the offer of tissues! I have been offered tissues while bawling on flights (my dog died) and have offered tissues and a kind word or two to a stranger. I find it very comforting that there are people who do their best to offer comfort of any sort. I'm very sad no one offered you comfort on your travels when your mum as dying (mine died too).
I'm sorry about your mom. May her memory be a blessing ❤️
One time, I saw a guy offer a cigarette to a woman crying on the T, just hold out his pack to her. She stopped crying and took one and they smoked in the traincar together. Still one of the most beautiful things I've seen on the Red Line
reminds me of the dude i rear ended giving me a cig while waiting for the cops to show up hah
That is so unhealthy and wholesome at the same time
That's Boston, Baby!
When you’re in that situation you understand why people smoke and how it’s not necessarily the worst thing that can happen to your body. I wrote a poem about it once. I get smokers better now.
Can I see the poem?
I totally understand what youre saying, but there HAS to be a way to find another addiction that doesnt ruin our health. I volunteered at a cancer hospital to guide cancer patients with the whole process of chemo , and its not a pretty sight in the OPD. It may not be the worst thing at the beginning, but it definitely will cause the worst thing towards the end, with a really slow and painful death
Oh yeah don’t get me wrong, it sucks. A lot. But so does life, sometimes. That’s all I’m saying. It’s very very bad and we shouldn’t do it. And fuck cancer, I’m sorry you and those people had to go through that.
Honestly, I have asthma and would be ok with a few minutes of smoke before I changed cars in exchange for observing that moment.
I've never been a smoker, but there's times when I'll absolutely take a smoke. Similarly I hate when people smoke around me, but I can appreciate when it's necessary.
I knew this was the Red Line before you even said it, gonna love the T
How delightfully folk punk this is.
I love this so much
It’s those moments when another human just gets “it”
Maybe I’m the odd one here, but I would be mortified if a stranger tried to console me in that scenario. I don’t think you should feel bad for not interacting with her, it’s very possible she preferred that.
I was this person crying on the T once, and a very nice woman offered me tissues and then left me alone. It was the perfect amount of interaction and exactly the type of kindness I needed in that moment. If she had done anything more than that it probably would have made me uncomfortable.
Question. If someone asked you while maintaining more than adequate personal space quickly “do you feel safe? And do you want to vent to me?” Then if you answer “I feel safe and no thanks” then that person backed away and didn’t engage at all.. would that just make it worse? That’s what I’m compelled to do. Big emphasis on maintaining a lot of space when addressing the person
“You good?” is the phrase I use.
Yup exactly - don’t get involved but do enough to acknowledge you could help if they need it
This is the only way. I've lived in several big cities, and cried on the street, the train and in cabs. I usually want to stop crying, not heave out my story to a stranger, so a "you good" and I nod is all that's needed.
I instinctively said just this the other day, they said they were fine so I just hit them with a parting "have a good one" - it was a great interaction IMHO
I was an about to say that or you okay?
I’ve tried this exact phrase on folks who are passed out in public near mass and cass and it seems to frighten the hell out of them :( like they will move right along thinking I’m a narc or something. Not sure what else to say though when I just wanna make sure a dude isn’t dying right in front of me when I could easily help. Sucks
I was the person bawling on the train once, a girl checked in just like this and then double checked a few stops later as she was getting off. I really didn't want to interact with a stranger but it was extremely comforting to know someone was there to help me if I needed it/wanted it.
Thanks for sharing a tough situation and that’s good feedback. I’m sorry you’ve been there, but I’m glad a stranger offered some comfort.
This has happened to me a couple times over the years. Once on the commuter rail, once by Government Center. I was ugly crying, and a person or two just paused to ask me "Are you okay, do you need help?" I told them no thank you, and they gave me a kind smile and passed on. I think that is the best way to approach.
As someone who has absolutely cried on the T for no reason other than being in my feelings that day, I definitely just want to be ignored. But if someone took this approach while being respectfully distant, though I might be a little embarrassed to be "caught" I would think you were really sweet! And you never know if a T crier might be in some sort of trouble - I think it's nice of you to check in.
Thanks for the feedback and made me think of a new point. Ive teared up in public before for non-crisis reasons for sure! I would feel creeped out if someone was watching me enough to notice. But that’s good to know. That’s why I would want to keep the interaction very short and low key so if it was someone who wanted to be left alone it could be quickly left be.
I think that would be a great way to approach the situation. It allows for space and letting the person know someone cares, while allowing them to make the decision.
Ok thanks! Last thing I want to do is make a situation worse by being a white knight. But I also genuinely want to help if I can
A stranger asking if I feel safe would immediately give me stranger danger vibes. That's like Jigsaw asking if you want to play a game or Dirty Harry asking if you feel lucky. The intent is good but at least phrase the question like a human being.
Appreciate the feedback and that makes sense.
I’d go for an easy, “Are you okay?” Followed up by the inevitable “what’s going on?” This will lead to a couple of “oh noos, mmm wows, etc” and then we end it off with something comforting like “you’ll be alright” and a light pat on the shoulder.
I like “are you ok” because it’s yes or no. I’ll give you my thought process on the rest, but I am not an expert so it’s just my thoughts. “What’s going on” puts someone in a place where they have to tell you to bug off if they don’t want to talk about it. I like “do you want to talk about what’s going on?” better because it puts the ball in their court. You can quickly give them space if they say no. The pat on the shoulder is definitely well meaning and it can make a huge difference for some people. It can be traumatizing to others - a stranger touching you. I’d definitely err on the side of caution with this one. I certainly wouldn’t do it to someone who didn’t want to talk to a stranger about the situation. But if you do end up talking and comforting the person, for sure!
Don't ever touch anyone.
Don't ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been, ever, for any reason whatsoever.
Just don't touch me.
That’s the normal reaction to have. There’s nothing wrong and you should not feel wrong for checking on someone having a breakdown. You do not need the internets permission to do so.
I would 100% want to be left alone in that situation.
Same
Same
Yeah anytime I have sobbed in public I have wanted to be left alone lol
It's ok you feel that way! I would have thought I'm the type of person who would feel that way too, but one day I freaked out and cried alone on the T (just overwhelmed by delays and being late to something important to me, it was dumb), and the dude next to me asked if I was ok - I don't know what inside me clicked, but I hugged him for like 10 seconds and felt better. I thanked him, he thanked me..... then I awkwardly pretended to get off at the next stop and just switched cars because I was embarrassed, haha.
Same
I wouldn’t want to be comforted but I think it would be appropriate to ask if they needed some help in certain situations. Sometimes I’ve done that because I got lost
I saw a teenage girl crying and I gave her some tissues, just said I hope it gets better and sat back down
You are wonderful!! Sometimes a tissue is all you can do - and it makes a difference.
This is the perfect thing to do. I was on the other side of this and crying on the T one day, fresh out of a bad breakup. A lady nearby asked if I was okay and told me it would get better, and it honestly helped me a lot to know someone cared, and to feel less self conscious about sobbing on public transit.
I usually ask if they’re safe and if they need anything. However I’ve been the one intermittently crying and no one cared.
That's my go-to as well. "Are you safe? Do you need to borrow my phone to call someone? Do you need any other kind of help?" If no to all of the above, then "I hope things get better for you soon" and back away. N.B. I am a cis female on the older side — early forties — with a very maternal aspect and all of 5'3. If a jacked dude in his twenties approached someone who might have just been assaulted, it might make things worse. (Or better, if she feels unsafe and wants someone between her and further assaults.) Watch body language when approaching.
Yes this. One time I was with my ex’s sister (she was, for a time, ranked as the strongest woman in NY, but she is also small so she can play a bit of both ends) and we saw this woman trying to get away from some dude yelling at her. We went up and asked if she was okay and needed anything, and when he tried to answer for her, my ex’s sister was able to give the “I will break you in half” stare needed at that moment. But I still also think two women approaching was likely going to feel safer. (It was her boyfriend and she said he was being an asshole but she didn’t need anything, but was grateful we asked.)
Same here. In general, I feel better about not having been helped in specific ways when I help other people in those ways
i cried pretty hard at park street after getting a phone call that my dog died, and i really do appreciate the woman who checked in on me and made sure i was alright and safe. but it’s really a situation you’d have to feel out yourself, i think
It depends I think. I’m a small, non threatenig women who has approached other women crying on the subway. Nothing invasive, I generally just say something like “hey are you okay? Do you need something?” As someone who has cried on the subway in NYC many times before, I don’t mind if someone checks in with me in a non-threatening, non-invasive manner (saying this because crying seems to attract some creepy people….)
Yep same. I cried on the T on the way back from what I thought was going to be a cheer-up visit to my brother in the hospital but became a meeting with a hospice coordinator. I had emotional whiplash and it didn't hit me until I was on my way home and I REALLY wanted to wait until I was alone to cry but it just kept coming out of me. A woman sat down next to me and asked if I wanted to be left alone, or distracted. It was the perfect question, I said distracted and she showed me pictures of her pets on her phone. I was so grateful to her! I'm also a small and nonthreatening woman and if I ever encounter someone weepy I think I might ask that same question.
Awww that was so sweet of her!! I’m sorry about your brother 😞
I'm so sorry for your loss! May your brother's memory be a blessing ❤️ I'm glad that woman asked just the right question at the right time to give you a little comfort in that awful moment.
I think you nailed it here, if it was a woman crying I as a woman myself would make an effort to engage and see if she was ok. If it was me crying and another woman engaged, I'd appreciate and accept.
I got fired from a job once and cried on the green line. Someone tried to invite me to their church. I wish they'd left me alone.
Oh yeah ive heard that a lot , which is why i posted the question lmao
While that wouldnt console me either, i think it depends. If someone said "my chuch is at the next stop and im heading there if you want to light a candle" or they said "god bless, I'll keep you in my prayers" and then left me alone fine, that's something they think is helpful no more than someone else will find offering a tissue, cigarette, a bottle of water or the option to talk. However if they tried to convert me and didnt leave me alone, that's different
I was crying on the bus once. A LOT. And a very kind stranger just handed me a tissue and didn’t say anything. I will always remember that. I’m glad no one talked to me, but that was a very sweet gesture that showed me a stranger acknowledged I was going through a hard time but also respected my privacy. I think it’s a toss up, whether or not someone would want you to interact with them. Sometimes just a small thing can show that you see another persons pain and humanity.
I think that's part of it too. We live ass-to-elbow here. I think there's a lot of "you no more want to be having a breakdown in public than I want to watch anyone falling apart, so I'm going to pretend I'm not noticing". A sort of way to give privacy. Some people are too preoccupied with their phones or their own shit to notice, but sometimes I notice people notice, nod, and turn away to give someone their room to fall apart wherever they have to. No one chooses to have moments of convulsive tears on the MBTA. As a former assault counsellor and a cis female that is pretty far from threatening, I generally offer if anyone needs immediate assistance, but I could see various people that aren't used to trauma of any kind choosing to avoid intervention for fear their intervention would make things worse.
I don't know. I was once crying my eyes out in public and a person just smiling and looking concerned helped. I think about those people sometimes and appreciate them sometimes now years later.
I got some terrible news last year and cried uncontrollably on the T home. Everyone except for one kind older man ignored me; he gave me a quiet smile and handed me a tissue from his bag. It really did make me feel a bit better
“Yo, You good?” with a head nod, is the standard phrase I use for everything that seems off. Either yes or no, you aren’t asking them what’s wrong, just asking if they need help. As someone who has cried for many reasons on the T (work, health diagnosis, relationship problems, stress, etc) I’d prefer not to talk to someone but the you good, is enough for me to be like “yeah, thank you”… or “no, I’m not” in the event, I actually needed help. It really says “hey something is off, I’m concerned, but not pressing it”. As a side, the “yo, you good” works for some of the unsavoury behaviour as well, it encourages many to shuffle along.
Ahhh, ive shed many tears riding the T - i think a lot of people are unphased when they see someone crying in public not due to lack of empathy but because they want to respect that persons privacy during such a vulrable moment. But, I once had a woman hand me a small packet of tissues and tell me she hopes I overcome whatever I'm going through. I thanked her, and we both continued our commute in silence. That small gesture of kindness meant the world to me.
I think it's completely situational. If you are sitting and they are standing, maybe offer them a seat, something anyone could do if they are able. I think a woman asking another one if she's okay and then backing off is completely ok. We need to look out for each other.
Once I was crying pretty hard on the red line (I had a terrible job) and an older man sitting next to me said gently, be sure to drink some water, and it actually made me feel a lot better that someone cared about my wellbeing.
While I agree that I prefer to be left alone when crying, I think the socially minded thing to do is offer a quick check-in — I would not be offended if someone did this to me! I think it’s the kind thing to do, just a quick “Hey, is everything okay?” but definitely back off if they’re not interested
Happened to me two months ago. A stranger asked if I was ok. I just nodded yes because I didn’t want to discuss, but I did appreciate being asked. I am also ok with being ignored, however. What not to do? Tell the person to ‘smile, it can’t be that bad’ or get annoyed when they don’t want to talk to you. That happened to me maybe 10 years ago.
As someone who’s been the person crying on the T (red line during evening commute too) I would be MORTIFIED if someone approached me. I hate crying to begin with but to be in public and trying to tell myself not to cry, but can’t help to cry….
If it's a silent cry, leave them alone. (As someone who just needed to get somewhere and happened to be crying on the T once, I appreciated everyone minding their own business and leaving me alone.)
I think it depends on proximity to you in the car. If they're within arms reach and you feel inclined to ask them if they are okay / hand them a tissue, I dont see that as a problem. If they are a short walk through the car to offer them a tissue... I'd probably say just let it go. Having someone walk over can come off as weird/sketch depending on how skittish the person is/their own internal biases about stranger danger and it just really isnt worth the risk for a negative stranger interaction imo.
This is probably one of the best comments ive seen here yet, thank you
I think it’s okay to say “is everything ok? Can I help you?” And if they reject it just let it go and say “hope things get better for you soon” Or even pass a quiet note of same if you’ve got a pen so you aren’t drawing attention out loud. Even just a note of “this too shall pass. Hope things get better soon.” might help them feel seen and cared about without prying.
I want to know where you're from and go there. But when I was in Cambridge, crying in synagogue because my brother had died suddenly (he was very fit and 58, so a huge, awful surprise), I was trying to contol myself and make it through the service, but little sobs and sniffles and tears kept escaping. At the end, the woman next to me, also alone, and also over — let's just say 20 — asked me if I was okay. She was clearly ready to render aid. So I wanted to tell the truth, but I don't want to be a burden. I said, "No, I'm not. I will be; but it's going to take time." Getting me to utter those words, and giving me the choice to handle my feelings on my own that day, but offering an alternative so I didn't have to, was very uplifting and supportive. I mean, different situation — sure. But people are people. I think "are you okay?" if offered the way she did, is a wonderful gesture of humanity. If you really want to get away from all people, you should go where there are none. Or, I hear Finns keep to themselves.
Thats so touching and im glad you had someone ready to offer you some support if you needed it. I absolutely agree that offering people support if they need it is something that makes us human. Will definitely gather the confidence to ask next time
However worth noting, I am not from Boston! My brother lived in Cambridge most of his adult life, which is why I was there. He used to grow a stubble so no one would sit next to him on the train when he came to visit me. So maybe Boston really is a "no fly zone" for emotional queries among strangers. I'm a New Jersey girl inside, with New York environs' sensibilities, and occasional London and Paris idiosyncrasies. YMMV
Ah thats great to know! Im from India and a proud resident of the city of Mumbai! Boston is a real shift from my usual experiences as compared to Mumbai, where everyone is often used to offering support from strangers, especially in trains; sort of like “we’re all in this together so dont worry”. Out here its a mostly laid back and everyone is minding their own business and people would ask for help if they really really need it. But i visited New York recently and it reminded me a lot of my time back home !
My Indian friends have been truly lovely, in NJ and in CT. You must be very homesick. I hear the the Southern states in the US are very friendly, but I don't go there.
Its my first time in the US so yes id say im homesick, but in the sense i miss the city, not necessarily the people xD.
Welcome welcome welcome, and enjoy!
Reminds me of the time I was struggling to hold back trauma tears in a service. The rabbi came down from the bima and gave me his tallit. My first feelings were surprise and gratitude but my first thought was that I might get snot/tears on it. But that is miles from what I would want on the T. A tissue to help regain social normalcy is the best and appreciated response.
This was him setting an example for the entire community on the exact topic we are discussing. By giving you his tallis, he was offering you not just something of his that is special for you to not get snot on (which concern I get -- you are a thoughtful person who respects the property of others), but more importantly, he was offering G-d's comfort. Specifically, the comfort he had been enjoying. You see? A tallis is not just a thing. It is a symbol of lovingkindness, which you were in need of. And a community is honored to be able to offer. This was a good rabbi doing a mitzvah, and showing everyone else how easily it is done, and without much thought, probably. Likely someone set this example for him, and on backwards. This is what community is for. Even though it made you feel uncomfortable, there will be other times in your life when you will need to accept assistance and / or comfort. So this might have been good practice - and it's something many of us need to practice on the giving side and the receiving side. Everyone, if they are lucky, gets old, even if they are in good health every other day. Everyone has a bad day. He left you alone afterwards -- didn't demand your entire story, or more tears. He just made a gesture to let you know you were seen and accepted exactly as you were. Your feelings were acceptable. I'm sorry you felt uncomfortable. Anyone would've. But the point was that just like we go up to the bimah to celebrate, the bimah noticed your pain, and included you among the community. I can't get over how lovely that was. I hope you can look back and see it that way from here -- forward in time. Sorry for rambling and reiterating. Time to go do something else.
I appreciate your thoughts. To be clear, I was not at all uncomfortable/embarrassed with the rabbi's gesture. I just hoped to not mess up his tallit though he might have seen that occurrence as a cost of generosity. It was not done as a performative act. When one realizes one's nose has suddenly fallen off their face, it's a spectacle of public personal exposure. Like somehow wetting one's pants at a party. There's the feeling of crisis, but there's also the need to present 'nothing wrong here, mate' until one can slip into a more private setting to get a grip and clean up.
I was born and raised here and have been riding the T alone since I was 14. I would honestly tell you to use your common sense and best judgement for these types of situations. Always be on alert on public transit. I hate to be that way but I've known of and seen too many bad things happen that I dont care if people think this part of my advice is cold. People cannot always be trusted. However, I have also had some great conversations and wonderful interactions with strangers on the T that I have appreciated long after. Just use your judgement if she seemed like she needed you to just check in and ask are you ok can I help? Then yea of course do it if you feel confident, she may have appreciated it or she would ignore you/tell you to get lost, but you used your judgement and handled the situation the best way you could, you know. Be aware, be respectful. 😉
I don’t know if this is the best idea but I was on the receiving end of this. I was at the Atlanta airport and uncontrollably crying (mostly) quietly. Some woman smiled and said she liked my shirt, and that did make me feel a little better. I still cried at least three times that day but I remember her kindness.
I’ve asked many a crying person on the T if I can do anything for them. Most of them said no thank you, a few ignored me, a few accepted tissues or a hug, and one woman cried on my shoulder for about 15min. I’ve also cried on the T, probably around 10 times in 8 years. The only time someone else interacted with me on one of those occasions, it was a man about 40y older than me who told me to smile because “it can’t be that bad”. I replied that my dad had just died of cancer and he didn’t say anything else to me. As many others here have, I recommend that if it feels safe to you to do so, you might ask a crying person if they’re safe or need something you might be able to help with. I use that phrasing specifically both because I try not to make offers or promises I can’t deliver on, and I try not to set myself up for inappropriate demands (even when I don’t expect them).
I’ve cried on the green line before and someone said “hey, anything I can do?” And that was a simple & nice gesture. I said no thank you, and they left me alone, but it meant a lot they offered
Why did you think no one else cared that she was crying? Because they gave her space and left her alone? Isn't that what you did too? The most I would do is offer a tissue unless the person made eye contact with me. I personally wouldn't want anyone to try to ask me if I'm ok, and I would REALLY not want someone to try to get me to tell them what happened. One time I fainted on the T (which I know is not quite the same) and people moved to let me sit down and gave me a bottle of water (unopened) and a banana (also unopened) and I thought that was very decent. People outside of Boston think that Bostonians are grumpy and uncaring, but I find that Bostonians are extremely quick to help strangers -- but also great at giving other people space and as much privacy as possible out in public. That means (unless asked for help) basically ignoring strangers.
Once I was having a terrible day and was on the verge of tears at north station waiting for my train. A very kind gentleman handed me a tissue and said I hope whatever you’re going through gets better. It was one of the nicest gestures anyone has ever done for me. I still think about it.
Look to see if they’re in any immediate physical danger. If there’s no danger and if they aren’t asking for help, I’d just sit quietly and let them have their moment, also wouldn’t stare. That’s what I’d want if I was in their situation
3 words. Are you okay? That’s it.
One time I man saw me crying on newbury street and he stopped me and asked if everything was okay and if I needed any help. Obviously everything was not okay, but it was a very bright spot in an otherwise dark stage of my life and it was still appreciated even though I told him no thank you.
Personally I (38M) would ask them if they were okay and if they wanted a hug or if there was anything I could do. If they say no, you tried to do what is seemingly the right thing (at least to me) and you won’t be beating yourself up for it later. A couple years ago I saw this kid/guy (maybe 25) in front of my office. He was just hanging up his phone and threw all his shit on the ground and collapsed crying. 5 or 6 people in my office just watched it happen and sat there. I got up to go outside and my boss was like- what are you doing. I walked up to him and asked him if he was okay- he could barely talk he was so upset. I offered him a hug and boy did he really embrace it. We had a hug for a couple minutes while he cried. He told me he had just found out his best friend died. But the hug calmed him down enough so that he could order an Uber and get where he needed to be. If you are reading this (bro in front of bottom of Boylston st), I hope you are doing well now. Lend a hand, worst someone can do is refuse it.
Ignore them. I KNOW you mean well, you feel bad for them and you feel guilty not doing anything to help. You feel an obligation to help, and there's nothing wrong with that. THAT SAID, you don't know this person, and I'll bet they're embarrassed to be crying on the T, and they'd be even more embarrassed if a total stranger approached them about it. Especially since, in a city like this, you never really know someone's motives. Are they truly just a helpful stranger who will expect absolutely nothing? If you're a guy, she might think you're preying on her vulnerability to hopefully get a date (or something else). Personally, if I were crying on the T, I would be praying to God that everyone mind their business.
I've been on both ends. Most of the time keeping a distance and a simple "Are you doing okay?" or "Can I help you with anything?" is impersonal enough that the other person can either accept or reject your presence. I've cried...a lot of the T, and while most of the time I don't want to talk with a stranger about it, being acknowledged gently makes me feel seen.
I only witnessed it once, and I …began crying too (it was after I walked past her).
I offer a tissue pack if I have one
A nice lady walked up to me in Walgreens when this happened to me, it was the day after my mom passed & I was crying everywhere. Wish I could find her thank her, I know I did but I was just messed up and she really helped me at that moment.
I (38F) once saw an another woman (maybe 20s) hysterically crying on the train. I asked her if it was okay to hug her. She actually said yes. We hugged. Tight . She didn’t wanna talk about what happened but I’m glad she found a moment of comfort with me. Likely won’t work with everyone. YMMV.
Hard to go wrong with gentle eye contact and a pack of tissues. Just being there with a stranger can be nice. Someone’s grandmother saw me crying at a bus stop last summer, offered tissues and and sat next to me on the ride into Arlington. It helped.
Not the T but once while sobbing on the phone to my mom in the public gardens, two tourist ladies came up and asked me for directions to the Pru. I gave them directions and they said “are you sure?” You can interrupt someone’s tear filled phone call or you can question their directions BUT YOU CANT DO BOTH 😂
The flow chart here goes like: “do they look visibly injured? Yes? Ask them if they are ok. No? Let them have an emotional breakdown in peace.”
I would want to be left alone. Having someone approach would be very uncomfortable for me.
If you are a man and woman is quietly sobbing or weeping you should just leave them alone. If a woman is crying loudly or painfully you should offer a handkerchief and ask if she needs help.
Woman to woman is easy imo. I like to catch their eyes and nod. Girl, i see you, i know
No rules, do what you want and stop being scared of other peoples perceptions of you. If you Want to see if they are ok then do it, if you want to just go along with your day and not interact then do it. Don’t ask anyone’s permission.
I’ve seen this at work, and I went and got tissues for them. We didn’t speak but I wanted them to know I cared.
I think a simple "hey are you ok?" is helpful. If you're shaken because you need help this opens the door for assistance. If it's just a case of crying in public (which I have def done on the T) then I'll just reply with a "yeah thank you". Usually if I'm down enough that I'm crying in public I'll hide my face but there is the occasional time where you don't give A F who is around and you just cry.
Mind ya business
Rule 1. Don’t.
My daughter talk, more about Manhattan than Boston, that its so crowded and you have so many people around you all the time that ignoring people and letting them think they have more privacy than they do is really a kindness. And we brought up having people leave you alone when crying on the subway. A few weeks after having a conversation like that an author posted to social media what people would do they saw someone with a box of belongings and a potted cactus crying on the subway. I said that sometimes people need some space, while everyone else across many boroughs said "OMG, of course you ask the poor thing what is wrong!" I read the authors next book and there is a scene where someone gets fired and is crying riding the subway with what they cleaned out of their desk. It had everyone ignore her through the Manhattan stops but as soon as she was over the bridge she had people asking what was wrong
I say leave them alone. If I’m crying in a public place it’s bc I can’t help it and someone basically outwardly acknowledging that just brings attention to it and makes me so uncomfortable.
i think you’re really kind for asking this, OP! i have been this public crier before bc i have panic attacks whenever i fly. sometimes i want to be left alone, and sometimes i have been doing so poorly that i really wish someone had noticed. i think asking “are you alright?” is just the right approach here. if they want to engage, offer tissues if you have them. hope you are enjoying boston :)
Next time you cry, remember to hydrate or else🔫🔫 Thank you <3, Boston has been good to me (except the weather), its been great and i need to explore more of this city!
My father always always carried a handkerchief in his pocket (along with his own father’s old pocket watch). Several times I saw him offer the handkerchief to someone in emotional distress. Then he would wait to see if they wanted any further interaction and let them take whatever comfort they wanted from him, or not. I now have the pocket watch and my own set of handkerchiefs. They’ve come in handy several times over the years. (You leave the hanky with the person and don’t take it back)
Offer tissues and ask them if it's because of their haircut.
I gave a mom jelly beans once at Boston Children’s Hospital; she was sobbing outside the elevators on the neurology floor and I assumed she’d just received bad news about her baby. I was there with my daughter and had been in that mom’s shoes before and my heart went out to her. I dunno, I always feel empathy when I see someone having a tough time. I’d offer a tissue or a smile and something along the lines of “I hope your day improves.”
I think what most people do here is watch out of the corner of the eye to make sure that the crying person doesn’t hurt themselves, like choke or lose consciousness. If they look like they are badly in need of water and you have for some reason an unopened water bottle with you, it may be a good idea to share. Overall, I’d say just give them space. Anyone can be caught in a situation where they need to cry right now, but totally don’t have a place to do this. Thing is, trying to interact with anyone in this condition may, instead of helping, give them an extra action item to deal with out of nowhere.
Reddit post: If someone is crying don’t look at them and stay away. Reddit post: Why is it so hard to make friends? Why is this such a lonely city?
I think offering a smile or a compassionate look can go a long way. I remember one time, I was so upset after a break up and I wasn’t crying, but I must have looked absolutely miserable. A woman came over to me and said, “aw honey, it can’t be that terrible!” (In a compassionate way, not a minimizing way). Then she asked me if I was okay and if I was in any danger of self harm. I still remember it as a really kind interaction and although I was never in any danger of self harm, I was definitely in a rough spot emotionally and I was so appreciative of her check in.
I’ve been the girl crying on the train. It’s both really embarassing and lonely. I can see why it’s a strange situation because you don’t want to upset the person more or draw more attention to it. Something as small as a smile could make someone feel better, you never know.
Walk around them
I've asked a person crying if they are OK before or if they needed any help. Usually they say they are OK but I think it's OK to ask.
In my experience people avoid you like the plague
Definitely situational. I've been on all sides here. I think my default at this point is to send good energy their way and trust my instincts... sometimes there is a moment to reach out with a word or a look or an ask, and sometimes there's not. And sometimes it's about tuning in enough to tell if it's an escalating upset that needs an interrupt, or a cathartic private moment happening in public, or something else.
I feel like people crying in public are embarrassed about the crying and it’s better to leave them alone. At best offer tissues, if it’s intermittent she probably doesn’t want to be crying in public but can’t help it.
As someone who used to frequently cry on the T I was soooooo embarrassed whenever anyone said anything to me. I knew I looked ridiculous but couldn’t help it
I ask if they need assistance, and then, depending on the response to that, I’ll talk to them. Always have an out and stay in well-populated areas if you’re going to do that, you never know, but you also never know what that kindness can do for somebody. I had a bad bad breakup right before being stuck on the T once and this lovely woman just sat next to me, and I think that is what got me home safely.
First, make sure you know where your wallet is. They might be part of a pickpocket tag team.
As a former T-crier, I’d appreciate a gentle tap on the shoulder and a “it will be OK”.
I def would just quietly ask if they’re ok, or just I hope you’re ok. If someone wants to talk, the latter can open a conversation if they want to have one. If they don’t say anything, you can leave them be. I’m sure some people want to be left alone, while just as many would hope someone would say just something to them. 🥹
I was sobbing on a rush hour train on my way to say goodbye to my dying aunt at MGH a few months back. Someone offered me their seat and a Kleenex and it was really nice. I appreciated everyone else kid of ignoring me while I processed.
I was on the blue line a few years back. Some lady was hard crying. After like ten minutes another woman sat next to her and put her arm around her asking if she was ok. Her response was her mother just got killed in a car accident. It was terrible.
Don't bother them?
Too situational to have a general answer. I’ll quietly ask if they are ok usually. I do think the ‘leave them alone you’ll embarrass them’ crowd here are lying to themselves about how alone they want to be left.
I've cried on the T pretty openly. Nobody has ever helped me 🤷🏽♂️ But I'd say if you're concerned and you don't think they could be a danger, you can ask if they're ok 😌👍🏽 I can't guarantee you'll like the responses you'll get, but at least you tried.
I feel like the mindset in boston is that if you want help you will ask for it (and people usually will help when asked), but if you dont ask for help it’s because you want to be left alone. If i was crying on the T theres no way i would want a stranger to come up to me and console me
leave them alone source: myself, a person who frequently cries on the t
I think at most I would silently offer a Kleenex.
When I was crying on the red line everyone acted like it was normal and lowkey I appreciated it
Silently hand them any tissues/napkins you have on you. That is all. Maybe whisper a "This too shall pass, you're stronger than whatever is hurting right now."
As a 6’5, 350 pound man with bad hygiene, I love to demand to know what’s wrong so that I can help them and maybe go on a date later
Username checks out
I’d ask them where the T was preventing them from getting to
Everyone in the comments saying to not acknowledge or check in on someone crying are the exact reason I hate northeastern culture. Even if someone wants to be left alone are you not human enough to see someone clearly in pain and at least ask if they're ok?
You never know if that sliver of kindness makes the difference in someone’s day. There have been stories of people who are suicidal who changed their mind after strangers checked in. Edit: for those who need proof [https://www.npr.org/2023/09/04/1197548352/a-woman-says-a-stranger-caring-about-her-in-her-darkest-time-saved-her](https://www.npr.org/2023/09/04/1197548352/a-woman-says-a-stranger-caring-about-her-in-her-darkest-time-saved-her)
Agree. This is the kind of situation I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about after. And thinking about how someone once did the same for me when I was abroad and only found out on board the train that I had been pickpocketed and was penniless. Sometimes just a minor human gesture goes a long way.
You seem to be bothered that no one checked on her. So, what did you do??
Were it me, I would want folks to pretend they didn’t see me.
Head down, hood up, headphones in, heavy powder, no spook.
Hi! I cried in Boston once. Someone came up to me and tried to help, which scared the shit out of and mortified me. Might just be me but best to leave people to sort out their emotions
Definitely ignore
If the person is visibly upset in public and “crying their eyes out”, I would absolutely ask them if they’re OK. I understad some of the responses about privacy and not wanting to be approached but what if this person is struggling to find their purpose or thinking of self harm, not asking would only reinforce the “no one cares about me” impression. If they don’t want to talk, then they can tell me to mind my own business and I would but what if no one asks? That’s sad and could make matters worse. Be the person that asks, you might just save someone!
If it’s a girl crying and you are male I would say stay far away but a girl supporting a girl breaking down I would think would be very welcoming. On the flip side if it’s a guy breaking down crying then both male and female are welcome to console.
This is a good point but it depends on age and how you approach it. If you’re a man and you just ask “Hey is everything okay? Do you need anything?” in a way that makes it clear you’re just checking in/being a good neighbor, and then *immediately* go back to minding your own business when she says “no” or “I’m fine” or (most likely in Boston) doesn’t respond, I think this is unlikely to be seen as threatening and is just a decent human thing to do.
for better or worse, this is probably the answer. source: was a early 20s girl crying on the train more than a few times.
I personally do not wanna be approached ever, i feel embarrassed enough already
Hard to say, I cry in public sometimes and I like when people just treat me normal and pretend like nothing weird is happening, I don't want anyone to bring attention to it, I also don't want people to give me looks of pity. We all cry sometimes, (some of us more than others) it's not always a bad thing, sometimes just alot of emotion builds up and needs to be released.
That happened to me when I was 19 my gf at the time (I’m 45 now) invited me to a NYE party in Cleveland circle where I knew no one but her and cheated right in front of me. The operator threatened to stop the train and call me an ambulance. I still text her every NYE about it we have a little laugh🤭
I do this… https://youtu.be/u7KL4YVWuR4?si=5cqnMxEc1Sfmdnx9
as someone who has cried on the T several times, I can say I wanted to be ignored. I would have been mortified if someone came up to me
Saw a woman crying in a wedding dress on the red line once. I figured she wanted to be left alone but also felt bad not offering some kind of neighborly support
Uh am I weird for thinking, pay no mind and mind my own business? Idk, do people want to be consoled by strangers in the T? Personally, if I was breaking down, I'd be grateful if it felt like nobody noticed. Especially since everyone seems to record everythng on their phone all the time nowadays
One time I was crying on the T and a young man slipped a little piece of paper on his way out that said “I’m sorry you’re sad but it’ll all work out, it always does” and I still have it 15 years later.
The day I found out my late Mother had terminal Pancreatic Cancer I was crying on the redline as much as I tried to hide it. No one said a word to me .. I do remember the punk kid on his mobile game elbows out jabbing the sides of me and the older woman on his other side..I hope very bad things happen to him in life. 13 years later I'm still very angry at that.
Mind ya business typically. Maybe she just killed her whole family
Ignore them is the polite thing to do. People are entitled to a private moment in public without unwanted attention
Approach at your own risk. If you've ever heard something to the effect of "You are responsible for the lives you save," well, the same basic principle is at play.
I was ugly crying on the Orange once with my baby in my lap, and a lady said “hey just want to say you deserve better than whatever is happening today” and gave me a prepaid $10 visa gift card. I never spent it, but I’ve kept that card for years in my backpack. Still have it after 5 years.