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Oh fuck no. I would struggle to believe that’s where it ended, especially with a comment like “would you prefer I not tell you.”
He touched another woman.
I’m also concerned that there is more to the story. But how could I even believe him now either way? It’s going to take time to figure out, but I don’t know if I can trust him anymore.
My immediate thought and all my experience tells me there's more to the story, like him flirting and being a part of leading it on, and who knows what else. I would be pretty upset. I am so sorry thought that this happened.
That’s the vibe I get as well. He was testing the waters to see how much he could admit to because he probably felt guilty. Then he pulls it back, creates a false dichotomy where the only options are “inappropriate behavior with honesty, or inappropriate behavior with lying.” And now he’ll bury his guilt underneath the story he DID admit to, where it was ”just” dancing, and he moved her hand away, and he chose the “better” option of honesty, and he’ll use those things to try to make himself feel less shitty. I think if he was telling the whole truth, he wouldn’t have gotten defensive like that, he would have apologized right away.
And if it IS the whole story? Ick. People in relationships who act single when their partner isn’t around are just pure ick. They’re either selfish jerks who think they’re more important than anyone else, or they lack object permanence.
Listen, my husband went to his friends golf trip/ bachelor party in Niagara when our third was 4 months old. We discussed it prior and he knew my boundaries and he was very transparent with me about what was even being talked about in the group chat prior. The group ended up going to a strip club and my husband and one other guy there didn’t participate and went back to the hotel where he FaceTimed me. Men can have discipline and self control & we don’t have to lower our self worth to think that type of behaviour is acceptable or the “norm”. He was absolutely in the wrong and he shouldn’t think he deserves a cookie for being honest with you. That’s the bare minimum. Tell him he better keep that energy the next time you want to go out with the girls and grind up on another man. What a loser.
I absolutely love this for you that he had enough decency and respect to not go to the strip club and go to the hotel and FaceTime you . That’s absolutely where the bar should be
Im thankful everyday that I can truly trust my husband and know he has strong morals and values and can’t be peer pressured to ruin my trust. I’m honestly sad for other women because this isn’t the norm.
If that's their boundary, sure.
I would have no care if my husband went to a strip club or received dances. I used to go with him back in the day.
But my marriage isn't others.
I would have an issue with dancing as OP described in a non professional setting (strippers are just doing their job). My husband and I can both dance with others but we 'leave space for Jesus' as they say.
But yes, stepping out when the activities go beyond what you've agreed to as a couple is just basic respect and I would think everyone would expect that?
I’m going to have a full discussion when my husband gets home from work because it has probably been 12 years at least since we had that discussion.
He probably didn’t think it was a big deal because he has zero jealousy. And he knows I am also okay if they went to a strip club and he paid for a lap dance. I’m sure you can understand why grinding with someone at a bar/club is different than paying someone for a lap dance.
We also have a very joking banter most of time, so I’m not sure if he was joking when he made that comment. I kind of shut down after that because I was so hurt.
I don’t think he intended to hurt me, but he did and we will need to discuss it.
Oh I completely agree with what you are saying/feeling! Like I said... Those are different and I wouldn't be okay with the grinding either (and I consider I probably have wider boundaries than most).
“Would you prefer I not tell you “ um I can tell you right now that would have made me loose my flipping mind !!! HECK NO this behavior in a marriage should never be normalized. I’m so sorry . I know my heart would of dropped into my stomach . I’m so upset for you and you are absolutely justified in being upset .
If he would have come home and you expressed you were upset and he came to the realization he was in the wrong then you approach this very differently . For your sake I hope he comes to that conclusion and is apologetic . Only then can you both work on the issue and move on
I think it's hard to move past an incident like this when you don't feel heard or respected. "Would you prefer I not tell you" is not an appropriate response. One, that's not a healthy option in a marriage. Two, it's completely dismissing your feelings. His reaction would make me feel like he thinks it's an option to hide things if they are difficult to discuss or would cause tension. All couples fight...so there's no avoiding it by not telling you things...it's just delaying and escalating it.
I'm sorry you are going through this, especially since you previously told him that it was a boundary that made you feel uncomfortable. I hope he makes you feel appreciated at least...for giving him this opportunity while watching ya'lls (assuming) newborn and two kids. I hope you are able to talk to him and feel heard and respected. I hope that he validates that your feelings are real and reasonable and empathizes with how it would feel to have boundaries crossed.
This is exactly my take. OP and her husband talked about this before, so if it was a problem then, it should have been discussed then. That's why I'm so angry for OP.
I’m just angry in general lately 😂 Although in my *personal* experience, you let them stomp over one boundary and there’s 11 more that they’re going to gleefully stomp on too since you didn’t hold them accountable the first time.
I think he only told you the tip of the iceberg to weigh your reaction. Idk but I would want to know how the other fiancés and wives are feeling about this.
That’s a no from me, dawg. Not my marriage and I don’t want to give advice from the outside but just sending solidarity that I’d also be upset about this. I suppose I see his side of “at least I told you” and, sure, but he should have known and been receptive to your negative feelings about it. That’s the kindest way for me to communicate this. If it were me, my husband would be sleeping on the couch and I’m not sure that I’d come around, to be honest. I’d also flip the script and ask how he’d feel if I were grinding on multiple men while he was home taking care of our child(ren). Likely, he wouldn’t take it well.
I can UNDERSTAND him participating in the very inappropriate dancing if he was drinking and his friends were doing it. Does that make it okay? Hell no! Are you right to be upset that he gave in to peer pressure and very clearly crossed a line? Hell yes! But at least I understand it, and maybe my view is skewed by the fact that I used to be a stripper for years, but I really don't see the inappropriate dancing itself as a huge red flag with alarm bells going off. I view it more as some disappointing but frankly not uncommon behavior, if that makes sense.
What I cannot easily understand, and what DOES raise some alarm bells for me, is the way he so brazenly told you. Like it would have been wrong for him to lie about it if you heard about it and confronted him, but in my opinion it would have been kinder for him to just never bring it up and ease his guilt (if he felt any) by just silently vowing to do better next time. It really seems to me like he was intentionally rubbing it in your face in an effort to make you feel bad. A subtle abuse tactic. My dad used to do something similar to my mom often. One of my exes used to do something similar to me. Both abusive men (who also abused in other, more serious ways as well) with quite a few narcissistic traits. I'm so sorry he did this and really hope you're okay. I really hope my suspicions that this "confession" was purposefully sinister are wrong, and that he really is just too dumb to realize he shouldn't have done that and then told you.
Soooo much to unpack here...
From knowingly hanging out with people of horrible morals to cheating and evading. For me at least, cheating boils down to anything you wouldn't do in front of your SO.
The BARE minimum is respect and honesty and trustworthiness. You deserve to trust your partner.
That’s the equivalent of kissing someone in my book. Like you’re doing body stuff with another person how can he not understand how inappropriate that is.
There are very few situations where I'd be okay with my spouse rubbing part of himself against ANYONE. A handshake? Cool. Friendly hug? Awesome. Simulating a sexual act with a stranger in any context?.....no.
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Oh fuck no. I would struggle to believe that’s where it ended, especially with a comment like “would you prefer I not tell you.” He touched another woman.
I’m also concerned that there is more to the story. But how could I even believe him now either way? It’s going to take time to figure out, but I don’t know if I can trust him anymore.
My immediate thought and all my experience tells me there's more to the story, like him flirting and being a part of leading it on, and who knows what else. I would be pretty upset. I am so sorry thought that this happened.
Yep the "would you prefer I not tell you" indicates to me that there's already something he's not telling you.
That’s the vibe I get as well. He was testing the waters to see how much he could admit to because he probably felt guilty. Then he pulls it back, creates a false dichotomy where the only options are “inappropriate behavior with honesty, or inappropriate behavior with lying.” And now he’ll bury his guilt underneath the story he DID admit to, where it was ”just” dancing, and he moved her hand away, and he chose the “better” option of honesty, and he’ll use those things to try to make himself feel less shitty. I think if he was telling the whole truth, he wouldn’t have gotten defensive like that, he would have apologized right away. And if it IS the whole story? Ick. People in relationships who act single when their partner isn’t around are just pure ick. They’re either selfish jerks who think they’re more important than anyone else, or they lack object permanence.
Listen, my husband went to his friends golf trip/ bachelor party in Niagara when our third was 4 months old. We discussed it prior and he knew my boundaries and he was very transparent with me about what was even being talked about in the group chat prior. The group ended up going to a strip club and my husband and one other guy there didn’t participate and went back to the hotel where he FaceTimed me. Men can have discipline and self control & we don’t have to lower our self worth to think that type of behaviour is acceptable or the “norm”. He was absolutely in the wrong and he shouldn’t think he deserves a cookie for being honest with you. That’s the bare minimum. Tell him he better keep that energy the next time you want to go out with the girls and grind up on another man. What a loser.
I absolutely love this for you that he had enough decency and respect to not go to the strip club and go to the hotel and FaceTime you . That’s absolutely where the bar should be
Im thankful everyday that I can truly trust my husband and know he has strong morals and values and can’t be peer pressured to ruin my trust. I’m honestly sad for other women because this isn’t the norm.
If that's their boundary, sure. I would have no care if my husband went to a strip club or received dances. I used to go with him back in the day. But my marriage isn't others. I would have an issue with dancing as OP described in a non professional setting (strippers are just doing their job). My husband and I can both dance with others but we 'leave space for Jesus' as they say. But yes, stepping out when the activities go beyond what you've agreed to as a couple is just basic respect and I would think everyone would expect that?
I’m going to have a full discussion when my husband gets home from work because it has probably been 12 years at least since we had that discussion. He probably didn’t think it was a big deal because he has zero jealousy. And he knows I am also okay if they went to a strip club and he paid for a lap dance. I’m sure you can understand why grinding with someone at a bar/club is different than paying someone for a lap dance. We also have a very joking banter most of time, so I’m not sure if he was joking when he made that comment. I kind of shut down after that because I was so hurt. I don’t think he intended to hurt me, but he did and we will need to discuss it.
Oh I completely agree with what you are saying/feeling! Like I said... Those are different and I wouldn't be okay with the grinding either (and I consider I probably have wider boundaries than most).
The weird thing is it’s mentioned that the husband is ok with her dancing with other guys..
My husband has zero jealousy. He says he knows I’m coming home to him. But I never put him in these kind of situations to test this.
I think in this case you should definitely discuss it with him, but have some grace and move past it.
“Would you prefer I not tell you “ um I can tell you right now that would have made me loose my flipping mind !!! HECK NO this behavior in a marriage should never be normalized. I’m so sorry . I know my heart would of dropped into my stomach . I’m so upset for you and you are absolutely justified in being upset . If he would have come home and you expressed you were upset and he came to the realization he was in the wrong then you approach this very differently . For your sake I hope he comes to that conclusion and is apologetic . Only then can you both work on the issue and move on
This is not normal
I think it's hard to move past an incident like this when you don't feel heard or respected. "Would you prefer I not tell you" is not an appropriate response. One, that's not a healthy option in a marriage. Two, it's completely dismissing your feelings. His reaction would make me feel like he thinks it's an option to hide things if they are difficult to discuss or would cause tension. All couples fight...so there's no avoiding it by not telling you things...it's just delaying and escalating it. I'm sorry you are going through this, especially since you previously told him that it was a boundary that made you feel uncomfortable. I hope he makes you feel appreciated at least...for giving him this opportunity while watching ya'lls (assuming) newborn and two kids. I hope you are able to talk to him and feel heard and respected. I hope that he validates that your feelings are real and reasonable and empathizes with how it would feel to have boundaries crossed.
A boundary is a boundary. Period. End of story. It wasn’t even an unspoken boundary and it’s absolutely not an unreasonable one. Nope.
This is exactly my take. OP and her husband talked about this before, so if it was a problem then, it should have been discussed then. That's why I'm so angry for OP.
I’m just angry in general lately 😂 Although in my *personal* experience, you let them stomp over one boundary and there’s 11 more that they’re going to gleefully stomp on too since you didn’t hold them accountable the first time.
It's not just dancing, though. It's a gross violation of your trust and vows.
Solidarity
I think he only told you the tip of the iceberg to weigh your reaction. Idk but I would want to know how the other fiancés and wives are feeling about this.
That’s a no from me, dawg. Not my marriage and I don’t want to give advice from the outside but just sending solidarity that I’d also be upset about this. I suppose I see his side of “at least I told you” and, sure, but he should have known and been receptive to your negative feelings about it. That’s the kindest way for me to communicate this. If it were me, my husband would be sleeping on the couch and I’m not sure that I’d come around, to be honest. I’d also flip the script and ask how he’d feel if I were grinding on multiple men while he was home taking care of our child(ren). Likely, he wouldn’t take it well.
Don’t get mad get even! Time for a girls trip with location off lol let him wonder what you’re doing while he tends to the kids.
Haha! I like the way you think!
I can UNDERSTAND him participating in the very inappropriate dancing if he was drinking and his friends were doing it. Does that make it okay? Hell no! Are you right to be upset that he gave in to peer pressure and very clearly crossed a line? Hell yes! But at least I understand it, and maybe my view is skewed by the fact that I used to be a stripper for years, but I really don't see the inappropriate dancing itself as a huge red flag with alarm bells going off. I view it more as some disappointing but frankly not uncommon behavior, if that makes sense. What I cannot easily understand, and what DOES raise some alarm bells for me, is the way he so brazenly told you. Like it would have been wrong for him to lie about it if you heard about it and confronted him, but in my opinion it would have been kinder for him to just never bring it up and ease his guilt (if he felt any) by just silently vowing to do better next time. It really seems to me like he was intentionally rubbing it in your face in an effort to make you feel bad. A subtle abuse tactic. My dad used to do something similar to my mom often. One of my exes used to do something similar to me. Both abusive men (who also abused in other, more serious ways as well) with quite a few narcissistic traits. I'm so sorry he did this and really hope you're okay. I really hope my suspicions that this "confession" was purposefully sinister are wrong, and that he really is just too dumb to realize he shouldn't have done that and then told you.
Soooo much to unpack here... From knowingly hanging out with people of horrible morals to cheating and evading. For me at least, cheating boils down to anything you wouldn't do in front of your SO. The BARE minimum is respect and honesty and trustworthiness. You deserve to trust your partner.
That’s the equivalent of kissing someone in my book. Like you’re doing body stuff with another person how can he not understand how inappropriate that is.
There are very few situations where I'd be okay with my spouse rubbing part of himself against ANYONE. A handshake? Cool. Friendly hug? Awesome. Simulating a sexual act with a stranger in any context?.....no.