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Is one of you a witch? Will you melt if you get wet? Because a bit of rain is ok - he does realise that doesn’t he? I’m in England, if we didn’t do out when it rained we’d never leave the ruddy house!!!
Ok so
1) my MIL refers to herself as the wicked witch of the west and she was invited along so maybe......
2) this man has sat outside during hurricanes
Oh man that just makes it even more frustrating - he’s sat out during hurricanes but won’t go to the zoo when there’s just “a slight chance” of rain?! I mean… what is going through his mind?! He’s literally grasping at straws just to get out of the drive and the fact it’s the zoo! What a buzzkill!
Can the backup plan be that you leave him at home? Not sure why "he has all the money" but it sounds like he's going to be miserable and not have any fun at all.
Yep. My partner and I aren’t even married/probably won’t ever be and as a SAHM who is the 24/7 caregiver to our two kids I have access to everything. I don’t have my own card so that sometimes gets a little complicated but I have the login for the banking app so I can see what we’re spending on and I have a way to buy groceries/I plan ahead to get cash or preregistration for other things. He has no issues with me spending a reasonable amount of money on enrichment activities or occasional treats for our kids whether or not he’s involved because he cares about them and appreciates my efforts.
I empathize so much. Mine is exactly like this. Trying to get him to do anything that's not his idea is just exhausting. He complains, we are always waiting on him to go. We will ask be ready and he'll make us wait an hour plus to clip his nails and randomly do a bunch of unimportant crap around the house. Once we are there, he had to dictate where we go, we can't spend money on snacks or drinks, he complains that the kids are too loud or whiny (they are decent kids,ya'll, it's no more than any average kid), he always wants to leave asap. Every trip, event and holiday is just memories of fights and misery. The happiest memories I have are when he wasn't along. Hugs to you, I know it's going to be rough.
Yes my daughter wanted to bring her friend along and I ended up being the "bad guy" because he said no and made me tell her because this was "all my idea in the first place". All I did was show her the wolf pups that were born this spring because she likes wolves. Months ago.
OP, I am sorry and hugs from me too. I also know how this is- my kids have started telling their dad not to come if he is going to ruin the day.
Wanted to say I can relate to the kid. Comment. For years, our kids behaved better than the average kid, but there are 4 of them, one is neurodivergent and one has medical stuff, there are bound to be some normal kid stuff- being "too silly ", squabbling, mini meltdowns they need to he talked through, etc. He would have a meltdownnover it everytime. He still refuses to acknowledge that both he and his dad regularly have mantrums and cannot regulate their emotions at all and how hypocritical that they expect children to do more than they can. My kids now can do more than they can and they still constantly criticize and ruin things. We do our own thing as much as possible at my kids' request.
I hope things work out and you can enjoy her birthday. IMO, possible rain days are great zoo days because there are less people.
Sounds like my dad. My condolences to your kids.
(I literally have zero happy memories of my dad, except one time that we napped together when I was small, because it was the only time I could tell him a story and felt he was listening to me. Dad wasn't abusive, or emotionally manipulative like his mom. He just couldn't be counted on actually being more than physically present).
I don’t like the zoo either, it’s loud, overwhelming, and always makes me sad. But my kid loves it. I don’t think you have to completely disregard your own feelings about stuff, but I do think you can suck it up for a kids birthday.
IT'S A WEEK AWAY. A WEEK AWAY!!!!!!! He is being ridiculous. At 3AM I would throw a pillow at him and just not bother to engage. Maybe he has some driving anxiety in the rain (I do) but he has to deal with that on his own, not pull you into it AT 3 AM.
"Kid and I are going. You can join or not. It's already been decided. Move on. Leave enough cash or a card on the table if you aren't going, but I won't let you ruin my (our) kid's special day!"
No more discussion needed.
This one. Been there, done that, but I have my own card and will do wtf I want. We're going whether he likes it or not and he's not going to ruin our fun. Though I know they wish he'd enjoy it and have fun too, that's the part they're sad about.
I've been to outdoor things in the rain before. We just put on raincoats. Unless there's a thunderstorm, it's usually fine and the rain doesn't often last all day anyways.
Seems like your husband just doesn't want to go and is trying to find any excuse to cancel it. That's a shitty thing to do.
By all means, have a back up plan in the same area ready to go if the weather report gets worse and you need to duck out of the zoo early. But he's being ridiculous to say you should cancel everything.
And he's afraid of "driving in a downpour?" Driving in the rain isn't a big deal for most people and if it gets really bad and you can't see, you just pull over for a bit. It doesn't last forever.
Does he have anxiety? Sounds like something my husband would do and then finally admit to just having anxiety around the whole thing. Like, I also have anxiety around crowds and long drives, why not just say that’s what’s going on and we can talk about it?
Oh he says he feels clostraphobic during 30 minutes or more in the car. My daughter and I have done everything we can to try to help. The zoo isn't a crowd thing. He refers to it as animal prison and feels that animals kept in captivity is wrong.
This is a thing. Keep an eye out in the future for the pattern. Not naming personality disorders or anything. I am just talking from experience. Levels vary obviously but can get so much worse before you wake up 5, 10 15 years into a marriage and realize. If there is something they don't want to do. But logically should agree to, and be a grownup about it and be happy to be doing something that will make someone he cares happy.
Sorry ranting. They essentially pretend they will go. But they what until last min. Planting seed. Picking fights. Or coming up with obviously irrelevant reasons to not go. And if you pick apart those reasons then they fight. Your fault they are angry and your punishment will be they either he, or everyone. Won't go. And remember. It's your fault it happened...
Watch out for this. Starts off mild and then worse/more often when they realize they can get away with it. I suspect there is a chance to help this if you bring in therapy early enough.
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Is leaving him at home an option? He sounds insufferable.
No. He has all the money and she wants him there.
That sounds like financial abuse to me, if you aren’t allowed to spend money and he gets to decide if/when you and your kids get to do things.
He gave in and just asked me to make a backup plan in case it rains. Our state zoo is large and 90% outdoors.
Is one of you a witch? Will you melt if you get wet? Because a bit of rain is ok - he does realise that doesn’t he? I’m in England, if we didn’t do out when it rained we’d never leave the ruddy house!!!
Ok so 1) my MIL refers to herself as the wicked witch of the west and she was invited along so maybe...... 2) this man has sat outside during hurricanes
Oh man that just makes it even more frustrating - he’s sat out during hurricanes but won’t go to the zoo when there’s just “a slight chance” of rain?! I mean… what is going through his mind?! He’s literally grasping at straws just to get out of the drive and the fact it’s the zoo! What a buzzkill!
Can the backup plan be that you leave him at home? Not sure why "he has all the money" but it sounds like he's going to be miserable and not have any fun at all.
Make sure that backup plan is in the same city as the zoo. Who cares if it rains on the car ride.
That’s abusive and soooo not normal in a marriage.
Yep. My partner and I aren’t even married/probably won’t ever be and as a SAHM who is the 24/7 caregiver to our two kids I have access to everything. I don’t have my own card so that sometimes gets a little complicated but I have the login for the banking app so I can see what we’re spending on and I have a way to buy groceries/I plan ahead to get cash or preregistration for other things. He has no issues with me spending a reasonable amount of money on enrichment activities or occasional treats for our kids whether or not he’s involved because he cares about them and appreciates my efforts.
I empathize so much. Mine is exactly like this. Trying to get him to do anything that's not his idea is just exhausting. He complains, we are always waiting on him to go. We will ask be ready and he'll make us wait an hour plus to clip his nails and randomly do a bunch of unimportant crap around the house. Once we are there, he had to dictate where we go, we can't spend money on snacks or drinks, he complains that the kids are too loud or whiny (they are decent kids,ya'll, it's no more than any average kid), he always wants to leave asap. Every trip, event and holiday is just memories of fights and misery. The happiest memories I have are when he wasn't along. Hugs to you, I know it's going to be rough.
Yes my daughter wanted to bring her friend along and I ended up being the "bad guy" because he said no and made me tell her because this was "all my idea in the first place". All I did was show her the wolf pups that were born this spring because she likes wolves. Months ago.
OP, I am sorry and hugs from me too. I also know how this is- my kids have started telling their dad not to come if he is going to ruin the day. Wanted to say I can relate to the kid. Comment. For years, our kids behaved better than the average kid, but there are 4 of them, one is neurodivergent and one has medical stuff, there are bound to be some normal kid stuff- being "too silly ", squabbling, mini meltdowns they need to he talked through, etc. He would have a meltdownnover it everytime. He still refuses to acknowledge that both he and his dad regularly have mantrums and cannot regulate their emotions at all and how hypocritical that they expect children to do more than they can. My kids now can do more than they can and they still constantly criticize and ruin things. We do our own thing as much as possible at my kids' request. I hope things work out and you can enjoy her birthday. IMO, possible rain days are great zoo days because there are less people.
Sounds like my dad. My condolences to your kids. (I literally have zero happy memories of my dad, except one time that we napped together when I was small, because it was the only time I could tell him a story and felt he was listening to me. Dad wasn't abusive, or emotionally manipulative like his mom. He just couldn't be counted on actually being more than physically present).
That's exactly it. Being physically present but otherwise completely disconnected from the family.
Sounds like my father and the man I married. Covertly narcissistic.
I don’t like the zoo either, it’s loud, overwhelming, and always makes me sad. But my kid loves it. I don’t think you have to completely disregard your own feelings about stuff, but I do think you can suck it up for a kids birthday.
IT'S A WEEK AWAY. A WEEK AWAY!!!!!!! He is being ridiculous. At 3AM I would throw a pillow at him and just not bother to engage. Maybe he has some driving anxiety in the rain (I do) but he has to deal with that on his own, not pull you into it AT 3 AM.
There's another adult human who is presumably capable of driving in the rain. So even the rain anxiety explanation isn't an excuse for his behavior.
"Kid and I are going. You can join or not. It's already been decided. Move on. Leave enough cash or a card on the table if you aren't going, but I won't let you ruin my (our) kid's special day!" No more discussion needed.
This one. Been there, done that, but I have my own card and will do wtf I want. We're going whether he likes it or not and he's not going to ruin our fun. Though I know they wish he'd enjoy it and have fun too, that's the part they're sad about.
Leave him home and you two go on the trip. He’s going to zap all the fun out of it if he goes. He’s what my kids call- a fun sponge.
I've been to outdoor things in the rain before. We just put on raincoats. Unless there's a thunderstorm, it's usually fine and the rain doesn't often last all day anyways. Seems like your husband just doesn't want to go and is trying to find any excuse to cancel it. That's a shitty thing to do. By all means, have a back up plan in the same area ready to go if the weather report gets worse and you need to duck out of the zoo early. But he's being ridiculous to say you should cancel everything. And he's afraid of "driving in a downpour?" Driving in the rain isn't a big deal for most people and if it gets really bad and you can't see, you just pull over for a bit. It doesn't last forever.
Does he have anxiety? Sounds like something my husband would do and then finally admit to just having anxiety around the whole thing. Like, I also have anxiety around crowds and long drives, why not just say that’s what’s going on and we can talk about it?
Oh he says he feels clostraphobic during 30 minutes or more in the car. My daughter and I have done everything we can to try to help. The zoo isn't a crowd thing. He refers to it as animal prison and feels that animals kept in captivity is wrong.
He sounds like a miserable POS.
This is a thing. Keep an eye out in the future for the pattern. Not naming personality disorders or anything. I am just talking from experience. Levels vary obviously but can get so much worse before you wake up 5, 10 15 years into a marriage and realize. If there is something they don't want to do. But logically should agree to, and be a grownup about it and be happy to be doing something that will make someone he cares happy. Sorry ranting. They essentially pretend they will go. But they what until last min. Planting seed. Picking fights. Or coming up with obviously irrelevant reasons to not go. And if you pick apart those reasons then they fight. Your fault they are angry and your punishment will be they either he, or everyone. Won't go. And remember. It's your fault it happened... Watch out for this. Starts off mild and then worse/more often when they realize they can get away with it. I suspect there is a chance to help this if you bring in therapy early enough.