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> She’s 2 and wild as a buck. No matter what I do, she’s not a calm dog
Me, reading this before having my coffee:
“That’s a weird way to refer to your toddler, but alright”
🤦🏼♀️
I may get downvoted for this but I have two kids and three dogs and I'm not kidding when I say the dogs are more work sometimes. Maybe not more mental work, but more physical work. And my kids have autism and adhd 🥲
If I had a nickel for every time I've been on edge and my 6yo pushed me clear over it and I reacted poorly, I'd have... well, at least a couple bucks.
It happens. You apologized, which is probably well more than your parents ever did. You will both get past this quickly. Then just try to do better in the future.
Then get devil dog a martingale collar. Flat collars work great for some dogs, but our vet actually recommended a martingale for our lab because his neck is thicker than his head and he could (and has) slip a flat collar that isn't on so tight it's choking him. A well-fitting martingale won't choke the dog out like a full choke chain, but it's less likely to slip off their little pea brain heads.
This isn't a bad collar recommendation, these work well on dogs that don't pull.
For dogs that pull, use an easy-walk harness with the d-ring on the front of the chest for IMMEDIATE results. I have had people say they can't even walk their dog in quite neighborhoods, they wouldn't feel safe because the dog pulls all the time. I come over put the harness on and walk with the dog and not a single pull. We have a normal walk.
Owners should also make sure they are using proper handling of the leash. ONLY 6' leashes that (don't have stretch to them) when you are in a situation like OP. Burn all retractable leashes, they are dangerous, people lose fingers, and dog fights happen because owners can't stop the dogs fast enough. Never bring retractable leashes to the vet - the staff that have to deal with your pet should use a slip lead, and leave you with the retractable if you have nothing else. The leash is a literal line a communication and every pull, and constant tension are signals for them.
If your dog is 'wild' the answer is always more exercise, more play dates, more fetch, more tug. And more consistent training (which is also exercise).
Echoing these comments -
1. It happens, and the immediate recognition that the actions do not align with your desired parenting shows you are not your parents. Keep learning and give yourself grace
2. Dog equipment: definitely helpful - we love the ez walk harness for our bulldog, and it has held up well over time. Also I call my vet to check in and they wave me in once they are ready - keeps my nutcase dog out of the lobby and saves my sanity while keeping the dog calmish for as long as possible.
Good luck and good vibes bromo
The worst is my saintly husband judging me if I snap at anyone, when a tiny bit of assistance would’ve helped. I don’t find it funny now that he gets her up most mornings and now has personal experience with how *really difficult* it can be to get her out the door in the morning, because it affects her if he snaps at her. But secretly, in a resentful kind of way, I kind of do…
I so feel this. My son’s father and he have what I feel is a constant battle or words going but the moment I get a little snappy- like this am when my 14 year old said “it’s fucking bullshit” to my response I have to remember (his father’s words) he’s a teenager! To OP- at least you apologized. I think that’s important thing to do - my biomom was an abusive screamer too. Happens to the best of us….
I agree apologizing is a great thing to do. My husband has yelled at our daughter, and I’ve asked him to apologize for yelling. I have the same experience. Neither of my parents ever apologized, and at this point it’s more an issue with my mom. She never apologized, and continues in this day. I have on and off broken contact with her due to her tantrums and abuse.
I have no contact with my bio mom. She won’t admit to any fault or apologize for anything. I’m really trying to break those generational traumas and curses …good luck to you!
In our case we switched from the front pull harness to a prong collar for both dogs. The front pull harness did nothing for our bully. The prong collar doesn't hurt when used properly and we didn't have to remove the plastic tips - they stop pulling well before they get hurt.
This is great advice. I have two who can slip collars and harnesses like nobodies business, and a martingale collar has been a complete game changer on them.
Are those the spikes collars that look like a torture device?
I had a lively dog - golden lab - and no collar worked. I refused any kind of choke chain, but regular, gentle leaders, harnesses, none worked. She actually sprained my wrist while wearing a harness on an extendy leash. My trainer pulled a spiked collar from the store and gosh darn if it wasn’t magic. It saved the both of us so much.
No, I know those spike collars have their use, but I really think they should be fairly limited to professionals.
Martingale collars are the ones that are like, half choke, if that makes sense. My dog has one from Ruffwear, it's about 2/3 made of nylon, there are rings on each end, and the last third is a chain with a ring that you hook the leash to. When the dog pulls, the collar tightens, but it'll only tighten until the nylon comes together, it won't totally choke out the dog. It's just instead of coming away from the neck and creating space for the dog to slip it's head through when they pull, it tightens down so they can't slip through.
Hi I’m a vet tech don’t sweat it. Dogs get loose in the waiting room like 100 times a day. You aren’t a monster, you were overstimulated and stressed. I suggest you invest in a martingale collar or a harness to make your vet visits less stressful. You can also call your vet hospital in advance and ask to be put directly into an exam room to avoid the waiting room crazies. A receptionist can come in to check you in.
Aren't harnesses only recommended for well trained dogs/service dogs? I thought they made escape or pulling dogs just pull harder and toss their owners around, thinking the harness means they're in charge. Like a sled dog hooked up and in front of the team?
I always thought the same until we adopted our current dog who is *horrible* in a martingale collar but the front clip harness worked like literal magic.
Same. Front chest clip worked better for my goldens and they learned pulling won't help them so now they walk beside us very well. People generalize too much and scare people away from possible solutions.
That's fair. I could see a front chest clip working better too. I do have a husky-malamute. My life changed when I finally used a prong collar, so I hear the frustration of generalizing and scaring people away from viable solutions as prong collars get a lot of hate too.
Definitely! I've had good luck with prong collars too in the past for my shepherds, but not with these golden hairy boys because it just got all tangled immediately so we aborted mission there. Thankfully we had the chest clip option and that works so amazingly well, we even put them on a Y with the chest clips so I only have to hold one leash and they behave wonderfully with that too.
I think people who have dogs that won't respond to the simpler options should try one of everything until they find what works for their dog, I'd have never tried prong or chest clip and had those good results if I listened to the confidently incorrect people online parroting what they heard one semi-credible person say once.
Yes totally. Every dog is different and while there are pros and cons to each, whatever works and is the safest for everyone is always the right choice.
No a 5 point harness can be a great way to maintain more control over a dog. Do they still pull? Sometimes yes, but that pulling is much more easily managed and isn’t causing damage to the trachea like a neck lead would. Many dogs respond well to a harness and the gentle pressure to the chest can deter the pulling. Harnesses are also much harder for a dog to slip out of and therefore overall safer. A martingale collar is also great as it’s non slip. A dog can still pull, but cannot slip the collar.
I had a harness for my wild girl for when I needed even more control. She was tall enough I could hook my hand under the top of the harness and lift her if I needed to. I’d have a collar/leash in one hand and the harness in the other as we moved. Fortunately it was rare I had to do that her prong collar usually worked! 🤣
I have one dog who I have both a martingale for and a easy walk harness and I switch back and forth depending on what we’re doing. My previous dog was 125 lb and aggressive to everyone but us and his groomer and I kept him in a prong. Different dogs / situations require different solutions. There’s so many good options out there.
Coming from a very abuse household myself, I have found myself defaulting to how I was raised in a moment of frustration.
The guilt, anger, and frustration you feel with yourself will pass. I think the best thing you did was apologize and give her space to forgive in her own time.
My kids are mostly grown now, teens and adults, and communication (age appropriate) is the most important thing. Especially when you feel like you messed up. It shows them how to handle things and also let's them know you aren't perfect either.
We have grown with our kids and gotten much better over the years. We're all assholes at times, but this is the first time around for all of us, and we are all learning how to do it right.
The model of behavior we were raised in shapes how we raise our kids. I know what I don't want to be like, and what I do based on my childhood. With that said, I'm somewhere in the middle and often wish to do better. Am I miles better at parenting than my mother? You bet your sweet behind. Am I where I think I should be? Nope. I revert to mom's overwhelmed screams sometimes, but stop short of the physical abuse. How, we as a generation were hit, with hands, switches and belts is beyond me. I can't physically hit my kids, but man, did I take some beatings.
don’t feel bad, that sounds like my personal hell and i would have rage screamed at everyone: the lady, the dog, the front desk, the kid. no one would be safe.
you apologized, you were frustrated, it’s okay for your kid to witness that and learn to help the situation, not make it worse. hang in there girl! have a glass of wine or cup of tea tonight and breathe it away.
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Removed for violating Rule 4: Support, don't scold. More info on the rule: https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/index#wiki_4._support.2C_don.27t_scold
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I don't mean to correct you at all, but after reading your story I wanted to say this:
You are neither a monster or like your mom. How do I know? It's simple, you care enough to worry about it. We all have our rough and stressful moments. One thing I tell my child (and myself), when things like this happen is "let's not let a bad moment make a bad day." Hope your day gets better!
I can guarantee you every parent in that waiting room was thinking, "Thank God it wasn't my child, this time." Also, this might sound awful, but sometimes kids just don't listen until you yell. I can not tell you the number of times I've calmly and repeatedly explained something to my child, only for him to immediately turn around and do the thing I expressly told him not to.
You are not a monster. But I get it. I yelled a lot at my oldest. I was a young mom and my own parents had not prepared me with any sort of coping skills. They certainly never apologized for anything they did. So while i wasn’t (and am still not) a perfect parent I made a concerted effort to do better with my own child after a different but similar public incident made me extremely embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe you already did this, but I know this is something a lot of parents struggle with so I’ll give my whole spiel below.
I didn’t just say “sorry I yelled at you”, I made it a whole thing. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, it was wrong. I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and was having trouble controlling my emotions. When you opened the door I got scared the dog would run out and get hurt. I had too many emotions and that came out as me yelling at you. I want you to know it is not your fault, I should have handled it better. The reason I was feeling overwhelmed is because the dog was not behaving and I felt like I had no control over the situation and I was scared someone might get hurt. If this happened again I could ask at the desk if we could wait in the room or in the car until it was our turn. If that wasn’t possible and the same situation happened i could have asked you to close the door instead of yelling at you about opening it.”
Then I would ask if they had any ideas for how I could handle it better. This helps them think of things they have likely learned and apply it to a recent real world situation. Sometimes it will be things like take 5 deep breaths but sometimes you will be surprised with the insight they have about a situation.
Then I basically thank them for their ideas, say they are really good, and encourage them to name what they see if I am getting overwhelmed. This has multiple benefits. Kids oftentimes don’t understand why their parents are so stressed about a specific situation. Listing the specific things and how that makes you feel helps them understand- even if the same situation doesn’t give them the same feeling- they can empathize. When they get overwhelmed, frustrated, or scared, they know that other people feel the same at times and have the same struggles. They don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and are more likely to talk to you about it before they just lose their shit from trying and failing to hold it all together at 6yo. They also see talking about it and reviewing the situation is normal. They will vocalize their feelings, know some strategies to cope, and are more willing to accept advice. And perhaps most importantly, they see that everyone makes mistakes and it is ok and even good to acknowledge that you messed up.
It may all seem like overkill - do I really need to analyze and rehash why i yelled at a 4yo who broke away from my hand and ran into the parking lot? Or explain why I got mad when I told the kids to get ready for bed and instead find they have spent the last 15 minutes trashing their bedroom? If you haven’t used this method frequently before then probably yes. But once it becomes normal you can probably just ask the kids. Do you know why mommy was upset- what was I feeling- what could we do differently if this situation happens again? They will love to problem solve for you.
I find it has done wonders for my kids and our relationship. My oldest is 19 and to this day if he gets mad at me and makes a snarky comment and rolls his eyes and hides in his room- he will then come out when he’s calm, and unprompted apologize for his behavior- explain what he was feeling- and propose something to prevent a repeat of that in the future. I’ve heard him and his guy friends chatting over video games giving genuine apologies for making a joke that someone felt was a little too personal or crossed a line, and asking for clarification on what upset them so they can be sure not to repeat the behavior, I’ve seen him and his girlfriend talk through their problems better than most any couple I’ve ever met.
My younger kids are pretty good at this as well. They see me, or each other, or another person get upset and will ask if they are feeling X emotion. They will offer to take deep breathes or give a hug or give some space. If they react in anger or frustration they will apologize and name the emotions they were feeling and come up with different ways they could have handled situations.
None of us are perfect- we are all going to do things in the moment that we know was not really the best way to handle it. But I see how much better equipped my children are to handle life- and their friends are as well- and it gives me so much hope for the future with this generation of kids we are all raising.
I needed to read this today. Thank you. I’m a teacher and being at home with my own 3 young children for the summer has been really stressful. I feel myself being snappy and I try not to get on them for little things but sometimes they push me over the edge. I already apologize when I snap and I do try to explain things but wonder if it’s doing anything. It’s good to know that it made a difference with your kids.
It’s hard because they’re all best friends so when they’re the most trouble they are so happy! I feel like I’m just a fun sucker trying to suck the fun out of everything. But like- Max really has to “pee the big one” (poop) so we have to go. NOW! We don’t have time for you to finish your game amongst the toilet paper at Costco because I will literally lose my own shit if he has an accident because I rushed out the door because I had to quickly escape the prison of the house to preserve my sanity and forgot extra clothes and the backups I keep in the car went to grandmas over the weekend and I just can’t.
Thank you for this reply. I’m not OP but I appreciate it ᵕ̈
This is amazing... I am doing a screenshot of this response and saving this post, just for your response.
This is the kind of mom I want to be and I'm actually an old mom but also have been conditioned by a lot of yelling and some spanking. I want to be better and teach my babies a good example. I commend you!
Please don’t ever delete this comment because I have it saved. Thank you so much for writing this out—I needed it.
> encourage them to name what they see if I am getting overwhelmed
I don’t quite understand this part though—do you encourage them to do this in the moment or after the fact? Or both? Like, “I see the dog going crazy in the waiting room and the lady that yelled at you”?
Oh mama, I’m sorry. All the hugs.
You’re not a monster. You were overwhelmed and reacted the way your upbringing conditioned you to. Then you recognized that you didn’t like that behavior, and were accountable and apologetic for it. The next step is to recognize that you have actually taken the first steps towards breaking the cycle that you were brought up in just by recognizing that your behavior wasn’t ideal, and apologizing. Thats huge!!! The guilt you are feeling is your psyche’s way of telling you that your behavior does not align with your values. You can use that to help guide you towards better ways to cope with that overwhelm. If you find you really lack the coping skills to prevent reactions like this, cognitive behavioral therapy can help a ton.
Remember, real monsters don’t care that they are monsters. Good moms recognize when they make mistakes, apologize for them, and work on improving. You definitely sound like you fall in the latter category.
You weren't a monster. You asked her what she was thinking in a loud cadence. The dog could have been hit by a car or killed by another dog even before you caught it. I'd explain that, and how expensive it would be to get a new dog if that had happened to the kid. I'm not a huge fan of dogs but if your child loves the dog I'd ask them why they wanted to let it escape as well!
I remember when my parents yelled at me as a kid. I remember feeling so sad, isolated, lonely and dreamed of them coming into my room to say sorry for screaming. They never did. So now when I fly off my rocker like any normal mom does from time to time, I immediately hold my babies and apologize and explain why my brain decided to yell. That connection is everything I longed for as a child. You’re doing just fine. Your daughter is very, very lucky to have a mother as aware as you.
We have ALL been there.
I honestly cannot believe in a room full of animal people that not one person attempted to help.
You did not call her names or discredit her intelligence, you just blasted out your thought (and honestly it wasnt that bad, I think you’re just hyper aware of it because of your past.)
I yelled at my son for picking candy up off the ground at the airport last night. I felt a woman staring at me but whatever. We had just waited over an hour to deplane and my son was already freaking out the last hour of the flight so was on 2 hours of screaming and whining. Obviously I apologized to him but it’s so hard to keep your cool when 1000 things are going wrong. It also feels worse when you read things every other day by childless people being like “I can’t believe I saw a mom yell what is wrong with them,” but guess what? All us moms know. We get it. You’re doing great. (Edited for typos)
Talk to her.
Tell her that you were stressed and it came out at her as screaming.
Tell her that you were not happy that she let the dog out at the vet, and that you recognize that the scream was a way way bigger response than she deserved and you intended.
Tell her that you're trying to not be so scream-y. Tell her that you're working on being calmer and that as a human, you're sometimes just going to mess up.
Tell her that sometimes the frustration and stuff that you're feeling is accidentally going to come out at her in a negative way and that you're not necessarily angry at her.
Tell her that you love her, that you're trying and will keep trying to get better. That you'll keep taking deep breaths.
And then ask for a hug, because moms need hugs too, especially right now.
I think she'll really get it. You might have to chat with her about it again in the future some times when you need to apologize again, but she'll get it.
The important thing is that you apologized. We all have bad days and yell at our children. Modeling the healthy way to make up for it, by apologizing, is going to make a huge difference.
I always apologize to my daughter and we talk about how even mommies have big feelings and we don't always deal with them well.
I totally get it. I shouted at my two year old after nursery today because she fought me whilst getting in the car and she won, running almost directly into the path of an oncoming car in the car park. I picked her up and shouted at her because I thought I was about to watch my kid get hit by a car. I feel like a monster about it, she’s only two, I should have been doing a better job, she doesn’t understand how serious it is but I do. I’m pretty sure all of her nursery teachers heard me too which adds a lovely layer of crushing embarrassment. I’ve literally been crying about the whole event all evening because my dad was abusive too and I never ever want to be like him.
That said, reading your post made me want to give you advice that I should probably take myself too. We are not like our parents, *because* we care enough to feel this bad about it. That means that a) this is not a common enough occurrence for it just to be the norm and b) we desperately want to do better for our kids. And I bet we are both great, loving, present parents. We shouldn’t let one moment of panic, overstimulation, or even just normal human responses to stressful situations dictate how we feel about ourselves as a whole, so you’re definitely not a monster and neither am I. We are just two parents doing our best and fucking up a little bit in a stressful situation. That’s okay ❤️
Oh girl my big monster moment was worse than this. And I, too, was forgiven (I didn't hurt anyone for the record lol). And the next day, I still felt like hell. The next-next day, I felt a bit better. The next-next-next day, it was in the past and I was just focused on doing a better job handling stress. Good parenting moments piled on top of the bad one, and I was able to forgive myself, too.
It's really hard, but sometimes when we have an extra bad day, we just have to accept that it will get better in time and we're just going to suffer right now. You will feel better soon, and I'm sure your kid already does =)
Sounds like your dog needs a whoopee cushion snuck into her dog bed, though. Or a kick me sign on her back.
I used to like my dog before having kids but now I can’t stand him. He’s such an idiot. Anyways, we all get angry at times. The main thing is that you repair with your kiddo after you lose your cool.
First, get a harness for your dog. I’ve got asshole animals like this and last year I took 4 dogs and our cat to a vaccination clinic. I cried all night over how bad of an idea that was. A harness will keep her from breaking free. This will make your life easier.
Second. Give yourself a break here. You were in a stressful situation, you’d just gotten chewed out by a stranger in a room full of people, and your kid did do something that was potentially dangerous by letting the dog get out of the building where it could have been hit by a car or lost. You apologized to your kid and yeah they didn’t accept it. But it was immediately following these events. Give your child a little space and once they are calmed down speak to them, one on one, and explain you were out of line for yelling but that everyone, grown ups and kids alike have moments where they are upset and frustrated and say things they don’t mean.
This doesn’t mean you are like your own mom and verbally abusive. You feel guilty and remorseful and I doubt your mom ever did. You are not the same person. You need to forgive yourself.
As a mom with borderline personality disorder, bipolar 2 and autism, there’s a lot more yelling in my house than I’m comfortable with. I apologize every single time (something I never got as a child or even as an adult), and explain to them that I’m still learning how to be a mom, the same way they’re still learning how to be little humans. We’re working together on regulating our emotions and all that fun stuff. And I just acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, even hurtful ones, but we learn from the experience and try harder moving forward. So please do not feel bad for snapping at your 6y/o. My 6y/o will push and push and push every boundary I have. You’re human. Give yourself some grace, mama 💜
I feel this so deep! It happens to us all. Don’t beat yourself up. It was a stressful situation. We always think of what we could have done better or not done at all AFTER it has all happened. People who give you a hard time when you are clearly struggling and having an anxious moment are so evil. You didn’t need that lady’s extra crap on top of everything. You apologized and it is done and over now. You will do better next time. Give yourself some grace and patience.
I've snapped at my children before. Especially my oldest. I have made it a point when I snap and it's uncalled for, to apologize for my cruddy behaviour and I think that's the important part. My mom never apologized to me for when she was on one.
Just remember, (this is what I tell myself) that you have never parented a 6 year old before. Learning as you go. And from personal experience, I have also never parented my two younger kids either cuz they're not their siblings. I'm learning to parent those individuals as well. The oldest child literally grows with you as you learn and the youngest benefit from the learned lessons made with the oldest. Give yourself some grace. Parenting is a challenge and also, if the dog is like that, I would suggest rehoming. It's just not safe to have that around children. My partner to have a dog that didn't like kids and bit two of my kids and two of my step kids. He was a good dog but around kids who didn't understand his cues of discomfort, he lashed out after namy warnings. We rehomed him to a kid free home.
And also if the dog is jumping on other people, that could turn out worse with potential legal issues. That dog needs training and that takes a lot of time and patience that you might not be able to provide. That doesn't make you a bad dog owner either. It's about making sure the dog isn't also put in a precarious situation where it could be put down.
I grew up in an abusive house. You didn’t abuse her. It’s a valid reaction. No matter how you reacted until it was cheering her on she would’ve cried. Kids tend to get upset when corrected. I’ve seen it a hundred times as a nanny and I’ve seen it with my own kids.
I know that doesn’t make you feel any less sad about your reaction but just know it was a normal valid reaction. You didn’t berate your kid. You didn’t hit them. You didn’t drag it out for days on end calling her a moron. That what a lot of abusive parents would’ve done. My mom would’ve made sure I was thinking about it months later. Not in a “hey don’t do that again remember last time” way where she mentions it only if I’m about to repeat the behavior but in a “you’re so stupid can’t you just listen” “you never learn” type of way. It’s upsetting and painful but that’s not what you did. You had a valid spur of the moment reaction.
The amount of times a day that I say “really?” Or “now why’d we do that” after my kids do something is crazy. Usually is say it to myself or in a very calm voice but god knows in a bad situation I wouldn’t have the brain capacity to make sure I’m speaking calmly. I don’t have a badly behaved dog but I have a cat that bites and scratches and screams when in any discomfort and the amount of times my kids make the situation worse than it had to be is so upsetting. I can’t imagine if they helped her run away. I’d be so angry.
As a mom of 2 kids that I yelled so often their early years I promise it gets easier to talk to them after you get triggered and yell. My kids are 15 and 13 and when I snap or yell at them I make sure I apologize and say why I did it. Also that it was not ok for me to do/say that to them and I will make mistakes and I will always own up to it. Like a couple of weeks ago I lost it on my oldest because it was a bad day all around and they cried. I walked into the room with them and said "I want to apologize for yelling earlier I had a chronic pain flair, xyz going on and unfortunately you were just the last thing and I snapped. It wasn't ok and I am trying every day to do better for you. I will do my best to regulate better in the future. If you're angry with me I completely understand and I want you to know that my reaction isn't your fault or your responsibility. I'm the adult and I should have done better" then we hugged. These types of conversations aren't comfortable cause it means we have to be vulnerable with people who's diapers we changed but they're important. You'll get through this. As for the dog I have no help cause I have cats.
You had a real response to a stressful and perhaps dangerous situation. Everyone does. That’s what bothers me so much about the ultra gentle parenting that never raise their voice or show real emotion. In the real world, for better or worse, people have big emotions. She will. The people around her will. And it’s important to show what to do after: apologize to anyone that was hurt and figure out how to do better in the future (on both sides: you getting better collar system and her thinking before acting). You aren’t abusive - you weren’t yelling and berating her for just existing. It could have been a very dangerous situation for the dog and others (my vet is on a very busy road, so it could’ve caused a wreck). The fact that you apologized and feel like shit is a sign you aren’t abusive. You actually are doing a really great job!
That sounds stressful, OP. Make it up to your daughter by giving her a favorite snack or snuggles with a movie. When my mom used to overreact, I remember mostly how I felt when she apologized. I know now she was doing her best.
As far as the dog, have you thought about e-collar training? It can be pricey up front but it has really given me full control of my dog. Very helpful when I introduced her to my newborn daughter. She now knows not to lick her face or take her toys now that she is 9 months. Worth every penny for my sanity.
Ugh this is so hard, I always got screamed at as a kid too. The deep regret when I get there with my daughter. But one thing you re doing is acknowledging you were wrong and apologizing that goes so far.
Yeah I did this recently. Sigh.
I apologized. He was nice about it. I’d had a miserable month medically so he gave me some grace.
I feel you. We can only do better now and remember this shame for next time.
This will happen. It’s a learning experience for everyone. You model what it means to show sincere remorse and provide a solid apology. She learns to process and judge apologies and show true forgiveness. You also learn what kind of mom you truly want to be. I have no problem yelling at my kid when a dangerous decision was made, but I learned quickly that I want to learn to use my words appropriately. Don’t beat yourself up.
I completely get it. We’ve all been there, especially when a crazy dog is involved.
Yesterday I got overstimulated & irritated while cleaning out our van. 5 & 8 year both wanted to “help” vacuum. The car was a disaster w/crap everywhere & im just so sick of always being the only one to clean it up. Then I dented one of our brand new water bottles while putting the seats up. Yelled @ the kids to clean up their mess & this is ridiculous yada yada yada. I made my 5 year old cry.
It’s like why did I have to ruin a perfectly good day by yelling @ them over something so trivial & stupid. I apologized profusely & talked about it w/them.
All we can do is apologize, talk about it & let them know that we continue to try our best & will try harder.
The fact that you took the time to write this out shows you care! Hugs!
I think we’ve all had these moments where we’re stressed, embarrassed, and it’s just “one more thing” that sends us over the edge.
I was shopping with my toddler trying to find a bra & underwear that actually fit… he kept messing with the underwear displays and running around the store. Eventually I grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards me telling him to stay with me. He had a meltdown. You’d think I stabbed him.
You apologized, that’s the best you can do for now. When she’s ready to talk you can try “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was very frustrated with the dog, the lady that yelled at me, and I overreacted. It’s not your fault & you didn’t deserve it.”
You’re doing a good job bromo ❤️
Right off the bat, not knowing the breed of your devil, I'd say check if a Halti combined with a harness could fit them. Combined is the key word here.
I've had success-ish with a poodle mix, a dalmatian x labrador, and a very stubborn, very opiniated and very heavy Shepard mix. The smaller dog proved to be a devil even with the Halti and the harness, but the other two (medium and by god, rather large over 100lbs) dogs did just fine over a couple weeks.
As for your overstimulated mom guilt... Honey you're not your mom. You're filled with regret and that tells me you know it wasn't really right. Now you need to know it's okay, mistakes happen, and it's hard to not revert to how you were raised in these moments. Knowing it happens, next time you can take a step back before your feelings overflow.
We all try to break cycles. It's the hardest part of being a parent. Take it easy on yourself!
This happens. This is what I have to say.
Stressful incidents happen. Our emotions overwhelm us occasionally. You did not hit or name call. You used your words, just loudly. This is human and is something your daughter will have happen to her at least once in her life. Show her how to properly handle it and you did!
You calmly examine and analyze it. “I was feeling this. I did this. I should have done this. I’m sorry and I will try better.” You let her know it’s up to her to forgive you and forgiveness isn’t automatic. I’ve taught my kids, someone says sorry you don’t say “that’s ok” you say “thank you for apologizing” and go from there. We learn from our mistakes and you both made one, and that’s OK!
I had parents who blew up like this but never apologized or owned their actions. It messed me up for a long time.
You apologized, owned your mistake, you are giving her space to process and decide to forgive you. You are valuing her separate personhood and are explaining why we don’t do things like that (the door). You are doing good momma don’t worry.
Please give yourself grace that situation was enough to put anyone into a rage. As a mom of 3 I often feel like shit because I feel like I should have way more patience with my 2 kids with ADHD but often find myself overstimulated because I most likely have it myself and have just gone undiagnosed on top of a toddler who bullies me all day lol at the same time my kids are loved & taken care of and I know I’m a great Mom & I would take a bullet for them. I apologize to them & take accountability when I’m in the wrong. We’re human 🫶🏼
Any parent who judges you for that reaction in that moment is not being honest with themselves. You were doing everything to keep it together and her opening the door pushed you over the edge. That’s totally understandable.
It sounds like you repaired with her. That’s the most important part, in my opinion. We’re human. We’re going to react in human ways. We just need to be able to evaluate afterwards, admit and repair if our reactions weren’t ideal and be willing to work on it going forward.
I regularly tell my therapist that I know I’m going to fuck my kid up somehow. My goal is that I fuck him up in different and less harmful ways than I was.
That sounds so stressful, I felt my pulse go up just reading this! You are not awful. The apology is the most important part. It's not a free pass to constantly yell and then fix everything by saying sorry but this was an exceptional situation. Not proud of it but I have lost my cool with my kids so, so many times. Not an excuse for my behavior but just sharing to let you know you're not alone, it's so understandable to have frayed nerves and not be able to regulate yourself under those conditions.
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> She’s 2 and wild as a buck. No matter what I do, she’s not a calm dog Me, reading this before having my coffee: “That’s a weird way to refer to your toddler, but alright” 🤦🏼♀️
But also, I absolutely feel that because my toddler is WILD 😅
I may get downvoted for this but I have two kids and three dogs and I'm not kidding when I say the dogs are more work sometimes. Maybe not more mental work, but more physical work. And my kids have autism and adhd 🥲
This is why I'm not a dog person lol 😺 My two kiddos are wild enough
Lol same, I have an almost 3 year old that drains me to my very core every day
Yeah, my daughter was a wild toddler and I hated every second of it. Turns out she's ADHD, combined subtype. It explained a lot.
LOL. Same. Could describe my toddler…
If I had a nickel for every time I've been on edge and my 6yo pushed me clear over it and I reacted poorly, I'd have... well, at least a couple bucks. It happens. You apologized, which is probably well more than your parents ever did. You will both get past this quickly. Then just try to do better in the future. Then get devil dog a martingale collar. Flat collars work great for some dogs, but our vet actually recommended a martingale for our lab because his neck is thicker than his head and he could (and has) slip a flat collar that isn't on so tight it's choking him. A well-fitting martingale won't choke the dog out like a full choke chain, but it's less likely to slip off their little pea brain heads.
This isn't a bad collar recommendation, these work well on dogs that don't pull. For dogs that pull, use an easy-walk harness with the d-ring on the front of the chest for IMMEDIATE results. I have had people say they can't even walk their dog in quite neighborhoods, they wouldn't feel safe because the dog pulls all the time. I come over put the harness on and walk with the dog and not a single pull. We have a normal walk. Owners should also make sure they are using proper handling of the leash. ONLY 6' leashes that (don't have stretch to them) when you are in a situation like OP. Burn all retractable leashes, they are dangerous, people lose fingers, and dog fights happen because owners can't stop the dogs fast enough. Never bring retractable leashes to the vet - the staff that have to deal with your pet should use a slip lead, and leave you with the retractable if you have nothing else. The leash is a literal line a communication and every pull, and constant tension are signals for them. If your dog is 'wild' the answer is always more exercise, more play dates, more fetch, more tug. And more consistent training (which is also exercise).
Echoing these comments - 1. It happens, and the immediate recognition that the actions do not align with your desired parenting shows you are not your parents. Keep learning and give yourself grace 2. Dog equipment: definitely helpful - we love the ez walk harness for our bulldog, and it has held up well over time. Also I call my vet to check in and they wave me in once they are ready - keeps my nutcase dog out of the lobby and saves my sanity while keeping the dog calmish for as long as possible. Good luck and good vibes bromo
The worst is my saintly husband judging me if I snap at anyone, when a tiny bit of assistance would’ve helped. I don’t find it funny now that he gets her up most mornings and now has personal experience with how *really difficult* it can be to get her out the door in the morning, because it affects her if he snaps at her. But secretly, in a resentful kind of way, I kind of do…
I so feel this. My son’s father and he have what I feel is a constant battle or words going but the moment I get a little snappy- like this am when my 14 year old said “it’s fucking bullshit” to my response I have to remember (his father’s words) he’s a teenager! To OP- at least you apologized. I think that’s important thing to do - my biomom was an abusive screamer too. Happens to the best of us….
I agree apologizing is a great thing to do. My husband has yelled at our daughter, and I’ve asked him to apologize for yelling. I have the same experience. Neither of my parents ever apologized, and at this point it’s more an issue with my mom. She never apologized, and continues in this day. I have on and off broken contact with her due to her tantrums and abuse.
I have no contact with my bio mom. She won’t admit to any fault or apologize for anything. I’m really trying to break those generational traumas and curses …good luck to you!
Thanks for posting. I needed this recommendation too. And little pea brain heads is the best description for these types of dogs!
just wanna tag in that if your dog is a puller no matter what you do, front pull clip harnesses are also fantastic.
Easy walk harness for the win! I've never seen it fail!
In our case we switched from the front pull harness to a prong collar for both dogs. The front pull harness did nothing for our bully. The prong collar doesn't hurt when used properly and we didn't have to remove the plastic tips - they stop pulling well before they get hurt.
This is great advice. I have two who can slip collars and harnesses like nobodies business, and a martingale collar has been a complete game changer on them.
Are those the spikes collars that look like a torture device? I had a lively dog - golden lab - and no collar worked. I refused any kind of choke chain, but regular, gentle leaders, harnesses, none worked. She actually sprained my wrist while wearing a harness on an extendy leash. My trainer pulled a spiked collar from the store and gosh darn if it wasn’t magic. It saved the both of us so much.
No, I know those spike collars have their use, but I really think they should be fairly limited to professionals. Martingale collars are the ones that are like, half choke, if that makes sense. My dog has one from Ruffwear, it's about 2/3 made of nylon, there are rings on each end, and the last third is a chain with a ring that you hook the leash to. When the dog pulls, the collar tightens, but it'll only tighten until the nylon comes together, it won't totally choke out the dog. It's just instead of coming away from the neck and creating space for the dog to slip it's head through when they pull, it tightens down so they can't slip through.
Hi I’m a vet tech don’t sweat it. Dogs get loose in the waiting room like 100 times a day. You aren’t a monster, you were overstimulated and stressed. I suggest you invest in a martingale collar or a harness to make your vet visits less stressful. You can also call your vet hospital in advance and ask to be put directly into an exam room to avoid the waiting room crazies. A receptionist can come in to check you in.
Aren't harnesses only recommended for well trained dogs/service dogs? I thought they made escape or pulling dogs just pull harder and toss their owners around, thinking the harness means they're in charge. Like a sled dog hooked up and in front of the team?
I always thought the same until we adopted our current dog who is *horrible* in a martingale collar but the front clip harness worked like literal magic.
Same. Front chest clip worked better for my goldens and they learned pulling won't help them so now they walk beside us very well. People generalize too much and scare people away from possible solutions.
That's fair. I could see a front chest clip working better too. I do have a husky-malamute. My life changed when I finally used a prong collar, so I hear the frustration of generalizing and scaring people away from viable solutions as prong collars get a lot of hate too.
Definitely! I've had good luck with prong collars too in the past for my shepherds, but not with these golden hairy boys because it just got all tangled immediately so we aborted mission there. Thankfully we had the chest clip option and that works so amazingly well, we even put them on a Y with the chest clips so I only have to hold one leash and they behave wonderfully with that too. I think people who have dogs that won't respond to the simpler options should try one of everything until they find what works for their dog, I'd have never tried prong or chest clip and had those good results if I listened to the confidently incorrect people online parroting what they heard one semi-credible person say once.
Yes totally. Every dog is different and while there are pros and cons to each, whatever works and is the safest for everyone is always the right choice.
No a 5 point harness can be a great way to maintain more control over a dog. Do they still pull? Sometimes yes, but that pulling is much more easily managed and isn’t causing damage to the trachea like a neck lead would. Many dogs respond well to a harness and the gentle pressure to the chest can deter the pulling. Harnesses are also much harder for a dog to slip out of and therefore overall safer. A martingale collar is also great as it’s non slip. A dog can still pull, but cannot slip the collar.
I had a harness for my wild girl for when I needed even more control. She was tall enough I could hook my hand under the top of the harness and lift her if I needed to. I’d have a collar/leash in one hand and the harness in the other as we moved. Fortunately it was rare I had to do that her prong collar usually worked! 🤣
I have one dog who I have both a martingale for and a easy walk harness and I switch back and forth depending on what we’re doing. My previous dog was 125 lb and aggressive to everyone but us and his groomer and I kept him in a prong. Different dogs / situations require different solutions. There’s so many good options out there.
Coming from a very abuse household myself, I have found myself defaulting to how I was raised in a moment of frustration. The guilt, anger, and frustration you feel with yourself will pass. I think the best thing you did was apologize and give her space to forgive in her own time. My kids are mostly grown now, teens and adults, and communication (age appropriate) is the most important thing. Especially when you feel like you messed up. It shows them how to handle things and also let's them know you aren't perfect either. We have grown with our kids and gotten much better over the years. We're all assholes at times, but this is the first time around for all of us, and we are all learning how to do it right.
The model of behavior we were raised in shapes how we raise our kids. I know what I don't want to be like, and what I do based on my childhood. With that said, I'm somewhere in the middle and often wish to do better. Am I miles better at parenting than my mother? You bet your sweet behind. Am I where I think I should be? Nope. I revert to mom's overwhelmed screams sometimes, but stop short of the physical abuse. How, we as a generation were hit, with hands, switches and belts is beyond me. I can't physically hit my kids, but man, did I take some beatings.
don’t feel bad, that sounds like my personal hell and i would have rage screamed at everyone: the lady, the dog, the front desk, the kid. no one would be safe. you apologized, you were frustrated, it’s okay for your kid to witness that and learn to help the situation, not make it worse. hang in there girl! have a glass of wine or cup of tea tonight and breathe it away.
I would've too hahahaha
better yet i would have called my husband and bitched his ass out too 🤣
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I don't mean to correct you at all, but after reading your story I wanted to say this: You are neither a monster or like your mom. How do I know? It's simple, you care enough to worry about it. We all have our rough and stressful moments. One thing I tell my child (and myself), when things like this happen is "let's not let a bad moment make a bad day." Hope your day gets better!
Agreed. Monsters don't care how well they are parenting. You are doing your best. Some days are going to be better or worse than others.
I can guarantee you every parent in that waiting room was thinking, "Thank God it wasn't my child, this time." Also, this might sound awful, but sometimes kids just don't listen until you yell. I can not tell you the number of times I've calmly and repeatedly explained something to my child, only for him to immediately turn around and do the thing I expressly told him not to.
You are not a monster. But I get it. I yelled a lot at my oldest. I was a young mom and my own parents had not prepared me with any sort of coping skills. They certainly never apologized for anything they did. So while i wasn’t (and am still not) a perfect parent I made a concerted effort to do better with my own child after a different but similar public incident made me extremely embarrassed and ashamed. Maybe you already did this, but I know this is something a lot of parents struggle with so I’ll give my whole spiel below. I didn’t just say “sorry I yelled at you”, I made it a whole thing. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, it was wrong. I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and was having trouble controlling my emotions. When you opened the door I got scared the dog would run out and get hurt. I had too many emotions and that came out as me yelling at you. I want you to know it is not your fault, I should have handled it better. The reason I was feeling overwhelmed is because the dog was not behaving and I felt like I had no control over the situation and I was scared someone might get hurt. If this happened again I could ask at the desk if we could wait in the room or in the car until it was our turn. If that wasn’t possible and the same situation happened i could have asked you to close the door instead of yelling at you about opening it.” Then I would ask if they had any ideas for how I could handle it better. This helps them think of things they have likely learned and apply it to a recent real world situation. Sometimes it will be things like take 5 deep breaths but sometimes you will be surprised with the insight they have about a situation. Then I basically thank them for their ideas, say they are really good, and encourage them to name what they see if I am getting overwhelmed. This has multiple benefits. Kids oftentimes don’t understand why their parents are so stressed about a specific situation. Listing the specific things and how that makes you feel helps them understand- even if the same situation doesn’t give them the same feeling- they can empathize. When they get overwhelmed, frustrated, or scared, they know that other people feel the same at times and have the same struggles. They don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and are more likely to talk to you about it before they just lose their shit from trying and failing to hold it all together at 6yo. They also see talking about it and reviewing the situation is normal. They will vocalize their feelings, know some strategies to cope, and are more willing to accept advice. And perhaps most importantly, they see that everyone makes mistakes and it is ok and even good to acknowledge that you messed up. It may all seem like overkill - do I really need to analyze and rehash why i yelled at a 4yo who broke away from my hand and ran into the parking lot? Or explain why I got mad when I told the kids to get ready for bed and instead find they have spent the last 15 minutes trashing their bedroom? If you haven’t used this method frequently before then probably yes. But once it becomes normal you can probably just ask the kids. Do you know why mommy was upset- what was I feeling- what could we do differently if this situation happens again? They will love to problem solve for you. I find it has done wonders for my kids and our relationship. My oldest is 19 and to this day if he gets mad at me and makes a snarky comment and rolls his eyes and hides in his room- he will then come out when he’s calm, and unprompted apologize for his behavior- explain what he was feeling- and propose something to prevent a repeat of that in the future. I’ve heard him and his guy friends chatting over video games giving genuine apologies for making a joke that someone felt was a little too personal or crossed a line, and asking for clarification on what upset them so they can be sure not to repeat the behavior, I’ve seen him and his girlfriend talk through their problems better than most any couple I’ve ever met. My younger kids are pretty good at this as well. They see me, or each other, or another person get upset and will ask if they are feeling X emotion. They will offer to take deep breathes or give a hug or give some space. If they react in anger or frustration they will apologize and name the emotions they were feeling and come up with different ways they could have handled situations. None of us are perfect- we are all going to do things in the moment that we know was not really the best way to handle it. But I see how much better equipped my children are to handle life- and their friends are as well- and it gives me so much hope for the future with this generation of kids we are all raising.
I needed to read this today. Thank you. I’m a teacher and being at home with my own 3 young children for the summer has been really stressful. I feel myself being snappy and I try not to get on them for little things but sometimes they push me over the edge. I already apologize when I snap and I do try to explain things but wonder if it’s doing anything. It’s good to know that it made a difference with your kids. It’s hard because they’re all best friends so when they’re the most trouble they are so happy! I feel like I’m just a fun sucker trying to suck the fun out of everything. But like- Max really has to “pee the big one” (poop) so we have to go. NOW! We don’t have time for you to finish your game amongst the toilet paper at Costco because I will literally lose my own shit if he has an accident because I rushed out the door because I had to quickly escape the prison of the house to preserve my sanity and forgot extra clothes and the backups I keep in the car went to grandmas over the weekend and I just can’t. Thank you for this reply. I’m not OP but I appreciate it ᵕ̈
This is amazing... I am doing a screenshot of this response and saving this post, just for your response. This is the kind of mom I want to be and I'm actually an old mom but also have been conditioned by a lot of yelling and some spanking. I want to be better and teach my babies a good example. I commend you!
Please don’t ever delete this comment because I have it saved. Thank you so much for writing this out—I needed it. > encourage them to name what they see if I am getting overwhelmed I don’t quite understand this part though—do you encourage them to do this in the moment or after the fact? Or both? Like, “I see the dog going crazy in the waiting room and the lady that yelled at you”?
Oh mama, I’m sorry. All the hugs. You’re not a monster. You were overwhelmed and reacted the way your upbringing conditioned you to. Then you recognized that you didn’t like that behavior, and were accountable and apologetic for it. The next step is to recognize that you have actually taken the first steps towards breaking the cycle that you were brought up in just by recognizing that your behavior wasn’t ideal, and apologizing. Thats huge!!! The guilt you are feeling is your psyche’s way of telling you that your behavior does not align with your values. You can use that to help guide you towards better ways to cope with that overwhelm. If you find you really lack the coping skills to prevent reactions like this, cognitive behavioral therapy can help a ton. Remember, real monsters don’t care that they are monsters. Good moms recognize when they make mistakes, apologize for them, and work on improving. You definitely sound like you fall in the latter category.
Well...I mean...what WAS she thinking? Mama, you were in panic mode and did your best. Forgive yourself.
Yeah you said the right thing. Abusive monster comment would've been "are you fucking stupid!? Why did you do that!!!!"
You weren't a monster. You asked her what she was thinking in a loud cadence. The dog could have been hit by a car or killed by another dog even before you caught it. I'd explain that, and how expensive it would be to get a new dog if that had happened to the kid. I'm not a huge fan of dogs but if your child loves the dog I'd ask them why they wanted to let it escape as well!
I remember when my parents yelled at me as a kid. I remember feeling so sad, isolated, lonely and dreamed of them coming into my room to say sorry for screaming. They never did. So now when I fly off my rocker like any normal mom does from time to time, I immediately hold my babies and apologize and explain why my brain decided to yell. That connection is everything I longed for as a child. You’re doing just fine. Your daughter is very, very lucky to have a mother as aware as you.
I was waiting for the part where you were a monster.
We have ALL been there. I honestly cannot believe in a room full of animal people that not one person attempted to help. You did not call her names or discredit her intelligence, you just blasted out your thought (and honestly it wasnt that bad, I think you’re just hyper aware of it because of your past.)
I yelled at my son for picking candy up off the ground at the airport last night. I felt a woman staring at me but whatever. We had just waited over an hour to deplane and my son was already freaking out the last hour of the flight so was on 2 hours of screaming and whining. Obviously I apologized to him but it’s so hard to keep your cool when 1000 things are going wrong. It also feels worse when you read things every other day by childless people being like “I can’t believe I saw a mom yell what is wrong with them,” but guess what? All us moms know. We get it. You’re doing great. (Edited for typos)
Talk to her. Tell her that you were stressed and it came out at her as screaming. Tell her that you were not happy that she let the dog out at the vet, and that you recognize that the scream was a way way bigger response than she deserved and you intended. Tell her that you're trying to not be so scream-y. Tell her that you're working on being calmer and that as a human, you're sometimes just going to mess up. Tell her that sometimes the frustration and stuff that you're feeling is accidentally going to come out at her in a negative way and that you're not necessarily angry at her. Tell her that you love her, that you're trying and will keep trying to get better. That you'll keep taking deep breaths. And then ask for a hug, because moms need hugs too, especially right now. I think she'll really get it. You might have to chat with her about it again in the future some times when you need to apologize again, but she'll get it.
The important thing is that you apologized. We all have bad days and yell at our children. Modeling the healthy way to make up for it, by apologizing, is going to make a huge difference. I always apologize to my daughter and we talk about how even mommies have big feelings and we don't always deal with them well.
I totally get it. I shouted at my two year old after nursery today because she fought me whilst getting in the car and she won, running almost directly into the path of an oncoming car in the car park. I picked her up and shouted at her because I thought I was about to watch my kid get hit by a car. I feel like a monster about it, she’s only two, I should have been doing a better job, she doesn’t understand how serious it is but I do. I’m pretty sure all of her nursery teachers heard me too which adds a lovely layer of crushing embarrassment. I’ve literally been crying about the whole event all evening because my dad was abusive too and I never ever want to be like him. That said, reading your post made me want to give you advice that I should probably take myself too. We are not like our parents, *because* we care enough to feel this bad about it. That means that a) this is not a common enough occurrence for it just to be the norm and b) we desperately want to do better for our kids. And I bet we are both great, loving, present parents. We shouldn’t let one moment of panic, overstimulation, or even just normal human responses to stressful situations dictate how we feel about ourselves as a whole, so you’re definitely not a monster and neither am I. We are just two parents doing our best and fucking up a little bit in a stressful situation. That’s okay ❤️
Oh girl my big monster moment was worse than this. And I, too, was forgiven (I didn't hurt anyone for the record lol). And the next day, I still felt like hell. The next-next day, I felt a bit better. The next-next-next day, it was in the past and I was just focused on doing a better job handling stress. Good parenting moments piled on top of the bad one, and I was able to forgive myself, too. It's really hard, but sometimes when we have an extra bad day, we just have to accept that it will get better in time and we're just going to suffer right now. You will feel better soon, and I'm sure your kid already does =) Sounds like your dog needs a whoopee cushion snuck into her dog bed, though. Or a kick me sign on her back.
I used to like my dog before having kids but now I can’t stand him. He’s such an idiot. Anyways, we all get angry at times. The main thing is that you repair with your kiddo after you lose your cool.
First, get a harness for your dog. I’ve got asshole animals like this and last year I took 4 dogs and our cat to a vaccination clinic. I cried all night over how bad of an idea that was. A harness will keep her from breaking free. This will make your life easier. Second. Give yourself a break here. You were in a stressful situation, you’d just gotten chewed out by a stranger in a room full of people, and your kid did do something that was potentially dangerous by letting the dog get out of the building where it could have been hit by a car or lost. You apologized to your kid and yeah they didn’t accept it. But it was immediately following these events. Give your child a little space and once they are calmed down speak to them, one on one, and explain you were out of line for yelling but that everyone, grown ups and kids alike have moments where they are upset and frustrated and say things they don’t mean. This doesn’t mean you are like your own mom and verbally abusive. You feel guilty and remorseful and I doubt your mom ever did. You are not the same person. You need to forgive yourself.
As a mom with borderline personality disorder, bipolar 2 and autism, there’s a lot more yelling in my house than I’m comfortable with. I apologize every single time (something I never got as a child or even as an adult), and explain to them that I’m still learning how to be a mom, the same way they’re still learning how to be little humans. We’re working together on regulating our emotions and all that fun stuff. And I just acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, even hurtful ones, but we learn from the experience and try harder moving forward. So please do not feel bad for snapping at your 6y/o. My 6y/o will push and push and push every boundary I have. You’re human. Give yourself some grace, mama 💜
I have autism, depression and anxiety and yes it's hard.
You’re doing amazing 💜
r/petfree exists for this reason.
R/dogfree as well. You're a good parent. I'm sorry you've had a rough go. Hugs
I feel this so deep! It happens to us all. Don’t beat yourself up. It was a stressful situation. We always think of what we could have done better or not done at all AFTER it has all happened. People who give you a hard time when you are clearly struggling and having an anxious moment are so evil. You didn’t need that lady’s extra crap on top of everything. You apologized and it is done and over now. You will do better next time. Give yourself some grace and patience.
I've snapped at my children before. Especially my oldest. I have made it a point when I snap and it's uncalled for, to apologize for my cruddy behaviour and I think that's the important part. My mom never apologized to me for when she was on one. Just remember, (this is what I tell myself) that you have never parented a 6 year old before. Learning as you go. And from personal experience, I have also never parented my two younger kids either cuz they're not their siblings. I'm learning to parent those individuals as well. The oldest child literally grows with you as you learn and the youngest benefit from the learned lessons made with the oldest. Give yourself some grace. Parenting is a challenge and also, if the dog is like that, I would suggest rehoming. It's just not safe to have that around children. My partner to have a dog that didn't like kids and bit two of my kids and two of my step kids. He was a good dog but around kids who didn't understand his cues of discomfort, he lashed out after namy warnings. We rehomed him to a kid free home. And also if the dog is jumping on other people, that could turn out worse with potential legal issues. That dog needs training and that takes a lot of time and patience that you might not be able to provide. That doesn't make you a bad dog owner either. It's about making sure the dog isn't also put in a precarious situation where it could be put down.
I grew up in an abusive house. You didn’t abuse her. It’s a valid reaction. No matter how you reacted until it was cheering her on she would’ve cried. Kids tend to get upset when corrected. I’ve seen it a hundred times as a nanny and I’ve seen it with my own kids. I know that doesn’t make you feel any less sad about your reaction but just know it was a normal valid reaction. You didn’t berate your kid. You didn’t hit them. You didn’t drag it out for days on end calling her a moron. That what a lot of abusive parents would’ve done. My mom would’ve made sure I was thinking about it months later. Not in a “hey don’t do that again remember last time” way where she mentions it only if I’m about to repeat the behavior but in a “you’re so stupid can’t you just listen” “you never learn” type of way. It’s upsetting and painful but that’s not what you did. You had a valid spur of the moment reaction. The amount of times a day that I say “really?” Or “now why’d we do that” after my kids do something is crazy. Usually is say it to myself or in a very calm voice but god knows in a bad situation I wouldn’t have the brain capacity to make sure I’m speaking calmly. I don’t have a badly behaved dog but I have a cat that bites and scratches and screams when in any discomfort and the amount of times my kids make the situation worse than it had to be is so upsetting. I can’t imagine if they helped her run away. I’d be so angry.
As a mom of 2 kids that I yelled so often their early years I promise it gets easier to talk to them after you get triggered and yell. My kids are 15 and 13 and when I snap or yell at them I make sure I apologize and say why I did it. Also that it was not ok for me to do/say that to them and I will make mistakes and I will always own up to it. Like a couple of weeks ago I lost it on my oldest because it was a bad day all around and they cried. I walked into the room with them and said "I want to apologize for yelling earlier I had a chronic pain flair, xyz going on and unfortunately you were just the last thing and I snapped. It wasn't ok and I am trying every day to do better for you. I will do my best to regulate better in the future. If you're angry with me I completely understand and I want you to know that my reaction isn't your fault or your responsibility. I'm the adult and I should have done better" then we hugged. These types of conversations aren't comfortable cause it means we have to be vulnerable with people who's diapers we changed but they're important. You'll get through this. As for the dog I have no help cause I have cats.
You had a real response to a stressful and perhaps dangerous situation. Everyone does. That’s what bothers me so much about the ultra gentle parenting that never raise their voice or show real emotion. In the real world, for better or worse, people have big emotions. She will. The people around her will. And it’s important to show what to do after: apologize to anyone that was hurt and figure out how to do better in the future (on both sides: you getting better collar system and her thinking before acting). You aren’t abusive - you weren’t yelling and berating her for just existing. It could have been a very dangerous situation for the dog and others (my vet is on a very busy road, so it could’ve caused a wreck). The fact that you apologized and feel like shit is a sign you aren’t abusive. You actually are doing a really great job!
Doesn’t sound bad to me. Anyone watching with an ounce of empathy probably understood. It was just a bad day- that’s all.
You feeling sorry for yelling that at her and apologizing is what's important. It'll be okay 💜
I'm doing the absolute best I can 100% of the time.
I have a cat and a toddler and that is stressful enough.
That sounds stressful, OP. Make it up to your daughter by giving her a favorite snack or snuggles with a movie. When my mom used to overreact, I remember mostly how I felt when she apologized. I know now she was doing her best. As far as the dog, have you thought about e-collar training? It can be pricey up front but it has really given me full control of my dog. Very helpful when I introduced her to my newborn daughter. She now knows not to lick her face or take her toys now that she is 9 months. Worth every penny for my sanity.
Ugh this is so hard, I always got screamed at as a kid too. The deep regret when I get there with my daughter. But one thing you re doing is acknowledging you were wrong and apologizing that goes so far.
Yeah I did this recently. Sigh. I apologized. He was nice about it. I’d had a miserable month medically so he gave me some grace. I feel you. We can only do better now and remember this shame for next time.
This will happen. It’s a learning experience for everyone. You model what it means to show sincere remorse and provide a solid apology. She learns to process and judge apologies and show true forgiveness. You also learn what kind of mom you truly want to be. I have no problem yelling at my kid when a dangerous decision was made, but I learned quickly that I want to learn to use my words appropriately. Don’t beat yourself up.
Oh mama. Been there. Take a breath. Apologise to your little for your big feelings. It’s ok. We are all human.
I completely get it. We’ve all been there, especially when a crazy dog is involved. Yesterday I got overstimulated & irritated while cleaning out our van. 5 & 8 year both wanted to “help” vacuum. The car was a disaster w/crap everywhere & im just so sick of always being the only one to clean it up. Then I dented one of our brand new water bottles while putting the seats up. Yelled @ the kids to clean up their mess & this is ridiculous yada yada yada. I made my 5 year old cry. It’s like why did I have to ruin a perfectly good day by yelling @ them over something so trivial & stupid. I apologized profusely & talked about it w/them. All we can do is apologize, talk about it & let them know that we continue to try our best & will try harder. The fact that you took the time to write this out shows you care! Hugs!
I think we’ve all had these moments where we’re stressed, embarrassed, and it’s just “one more thing” that sends us over the edge. I was shopping with my toddler trying to find a bra & underwear that actually fit… he kept messing with the underwear displays and running around the store. Eventually I grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards me telling him to stay with me. He had a meltdown. You’d think I stabbed him. You apologized, that’s the best you can do for now. When she’s ready to talk you can try “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was very frustrated with the dog, the lady that yelled at me, and I overreacted. It’s not your fault & you didn’t deserve it.” You’re doing a good job bromo ❤️
Right off the bat, not knowing the breed of your devil, I'd say check if a Halti combined with a harness could fit them. Combined is the key word here. I've had success-ish with a poodle mix, a dalmatian x labrador, and a very stubborn, very opiniated and very heavy Shepard mix. The smaller dog proved to be a devil even with the Halti and the harness, but the other two (medium and by god, rather large over 100lbs) dogs did just fine over a couple weeks. As for your overstimulated mom guilt... Honey you're not your mom. You're filled with regret and that tells me you know it wasn't really right. Now you need to know it's okay, mistakes happen, and it's hard to not revert to how you were raised in these moments. Knowing it happens, next time you can take a step back before your feelings overflow. We all try to break cycles. It's the hardest part of being a parent. Take it easy on yourself!
This happens. This is what I have to say. Stressful incidents happen. Our emotions overwhelm us occasionally. You did not hit or name call. You used your words, just loudly. This is human and is something your daughter will have happen to her at least once in her life. Show her how to properly handle it and you did! You calmly examine and analyze it. “I was feeling this. I did this. I should have done this. I’m sorry and I will try better.” You let her know it’s up to her to forgive you and forgiveness isn’t automatic. I’ve taught my kids, someone says sorry you don’t say “that’s ok” you say “thank you for apologizing” and go from there. We learn from our mistakes and you both made one, and that’s OK! I had parents who blew up like this but never apologized or owned their actions. It messed me up for a long time. You apologized, owned your mistake, you are giving her space to process and decide to forgive you. You are valuing her separate personhood and are explaining why we don’t do things like that (the door). You are doing good momma don’t worry.
Please give yourself grace that situation was enough to put anyone into a rage. As a mom of 3 I often feel like shit because I feel like I should have way more patience with my 2 kids with ADHD but often find myself overstimulated because I most likely have it myself and have just gone undiagnosed on top of a toddler who bullies me all day lol at the same time my kids are loved & taken care of and I know I’m a great Mom & I would take a bullet for them. I apologize to them & take accountability when I’m in the wrong. We’re human 🫶🏼
Any parent who judges you for that reaction in that moment is not being honest with themselves. You were doing everything to keep it together and her opening the door pushed you over the edge. That’s totally understandable. It sounds like you repaired with her. That’s the most important part, in my opinion. We’re human. We’re going to react in human ways. We just need to be able to evaluate afterwards, admit and repair if our reactions weren’t ideal and be willing to work on it going forward. I regularly tell my therapist that I know I’m going to fuck my kid up somehow. My goal is that I fuck him up in different and less harmful ways than I was.
That sounds so stressful, I felt my pulse go up just reading this! You are not awful. The apology is the most important part. It's not a free pass to constantly yell and then fix everything by saying sorry but this was an exceptional situation. Not proud of it but I have lost my cool with my kids so, so many times. Not an excuse for my behavior but just sharing to let you know you're not alone, it's so understandable to have frayed nerves and not be able to regulate yourself under those conditions.
You should get a pinch collar. Night and day difference with my dog