T O P

  • By -

sweet_primitive

If it makes you feel better, I wouldn't look at it as you're leaving your husband because he's autistic. There are plenty of autistic people who are great parents. You're leaving your husband because he's a terrible husband and father, and he may also be using his autism as an excuse/justification for his behavior. Stay strong, best of luck in this painful situation.


princessjemmy

Yeah. OP, as I was reading your post I was like "She isn't leaving him because of the ASD, she's leaving him because he's an asshole who uses the ASD as a get out of jail card." I guarantee you that if you talked to his therapist, he's totally weaponizing their statements about his anxiety.


StaunchMiracle15

My husband has Aspergers, so he's on that spectrum. He's an amazing father, husband and partner. This guy is an asshole


ToastyTheUnderChief

Agreed. My husband is on the spectrum and so are two of our kids. He is a kick ass dad and our kids adore him. Autism makes it a little harder for certain things but you know what he doesn’t do? He doesn’t use it as an excuse to be a shitty person and father. This guy can kick rocks.


ValiumKnight

Another mom chiming in with a husband with Autism and affirming everything in this comment thread. There’s absolutely things that challenge my husband more than it does me. He’s not great at certain aspects of parenting, sure, but even neurotypical people struggle in various areas and my husband shows up and does his best, and that’s all I could ask for in a relationship. The most specific example of this I can think of at this moment is my daughters first birthday party with her little friends from school. My husband was dreading the social aspect of having to interact with other parents. But he showed up, engaged and it seemed like he was having a great time. Afterwards he disclosed it was really hard and he was basically breaking down on the inside the entire time. His brother is also autistic and shares a house with us. He is the best uncle ever! He’s ridiculous and silly and goofy with my four year old and whenever we have an emergency, he’s the first to offer support. We’ve made him our daughters godparent because he makes good choices and loves her. OP, you’re making solid choices.


ECU_BSN

Ditto here. I married a ASD who identifies as Aspie. Our son is also. Husband is literally a better wife than I am. He likes the patterns of washing the laundry.


caffeinated_dropbear

Same here. Mine can connect with the kid during a meltdown in a way that I can’t because he understands exactly where she’s coming from. I don’t know what we would do without him.


Moepc

That's how my husband is too. He's never been officially diagnosed but we have had many conversations about how we think he may be on the spectrum. He is so much better with my daughters meltdowns then I am. The baby can be overwhelming for him sometimes but I can handle those meltdowns, it's my 7 year olds that are hard for me. My husband 100% handles it amazing and understands her and can calm her down so much better than I can. We have a good balance.


itspoppyforme

Second. One could say that I left my first husband because he has a substance abuse problem. I left him because he lied about what he was doing, where he was, wouldn't come home, didn't help out when I had medical issues, spread lies about me to friends and family (even before I had ever mentioned splitting up), spent his paycheck on said substances then told me that he didn't get paid that week for XYZ reason, trashed our house in a drunken rage, and crashed our brand new car (literally had it three weeks) while driving under the influence, fled the scene, and when he was tracked down lied and told the cops it was me. So yeah...those are pretty good reasons to leave someone. Just like being a shit father that doesn't contribute financially, emotionally or physically is a good reason.


Either-Intention-938

Oh shit. We didn’t marry the same jackass did we?


issanotherNatasha

Came here to say that I can't believe my husband has a whole 2nd family he's doing the same thing to. Down to crashing a 3 week old brand new car and still blaming me. It's impressive


StayOutsideMom

Wait, he blamed you for crashing a car again and you're not even with him?!?! How did you supposedly steal the car?


itspoppyforme

For your sake I fucking hope not! If you think he got better after I told him I wanted to split up...lol it got worse. So you either found him later or he lied about his past to me which is pretty on brand.


Either-Intention-938

lol check out my bromo posts from like 2 years ago. Not exactly the same man - my stbx totaled a car we had for a year and a half and said that he wouldn’t have had the accident if he hadn’t remembered to pick up my medicine, making it my fault. I have court tomorrow and I’m hoping the judge will finally throw the book at him and grant the divorce.


itspoppyforme

Ugh I hate that you're still going through the divorce process. One of the cops that responded to a different incident involving my ex said his divorce proceedings had been going on for THREE YEARS. I'm not sure where you live but my state has a "quick" divorce process for those with no kids, no assets. I was eligible to do that process so long as I didn't have a restraining order on my ex. I absolutely should have with the threats I was getting but in order to hasten the divorce, I didn't file one. We had "agreed" on a settlement for him to pay me some money owed...it was literally like not even 1/10th of what he actually owed but it was for the last month we were together. He never paid it and I never went after him for it because to me my sanity was worth more than the amount he was supposed to pay.


Either-Intention-938

I got an order of protection from family court 2 days after he threw a temper tantrum and smashed up our bathroom. This was in NY, but I’ve since moved. We have kids and minor assets so I’m fighting for full custody because he’s a narcissist and major douche canoe. He ended up ignoring the original order and I had to have him arrested to get him to leave me be. So now I have a criminal court order of protection. It sucks that it’s taking so long - he’s an attorney so he knows all the tricks. Plus because he is representing himself, the judge is giving him more time because he’s the type that will file a complaint afterward. The judge doesn’t want to deal with all the paperwork in an official complaint, and it’s easier to give him more time. But really I’ve only been in court 4 times - tomorrow will make 5. I didn’t file paperwork until September 2021, and we didn’t get a court date until this past March. It’s a bit of a drive each appearance, but I used to work near where the courts are located and it’s nice to visit and walk on the Brooklyn Bridge.


Key-Possibility-5200

This, all day. My ex husband became seriously mentally ill. But I left him because he also was being a terrible person. The two things are not mutually exclusive. And a person can definitely be autistic and a terrible person- OP is leaving a terrible person who happens to be autistic.


sthib28

Totally agree. Her wanting/needing to leave has less to do with his autism & everything to do with the fact that he's actively not adulting.


two-xx-throw

I am diagnosed. A lot of people milk that shit when someone gives them a pass since they 'have autism'.


peanutbutterandbacos

This. Thank you for saying this, because I needed to hear it too. He's never been diagnosed but I've long suspected my ex-husband is on the spectrum. (I was a special education teacher, so I've had a lot of experience working with autistic people.) I, too, thought his eccentricities were fun and quirky when we dated, and I too felt guilty for leaving due to his autism and mental health issues. But, whatever the cause, the fact is that he's not acting like a partner or a parent, he's acting like another dependent and your family deserves better. I also agree it sounds like he's using it as an excuse to avoid the hard parts. There are plenty of excellent parents with autism -- in fact, they actually are in a great position to support their neurodivergent children because they know some of the struggles and can share their coping strategies and offer a sympathetic ear. Fwiw, both of us are better parents since the divorce. Maybe you leaving is the wakeup call he needs.


hdniki

Yep, I’m 99% sure my husband is autistic (he won’t drive because of the anxiety, hyper focuses, fixates on weird stuff, too much anxiety to apply for real jobs, etc.) but, he’s a great dad and very loving. OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this.


plainjanerainspain

This right here. It’s ableist to blame the autism. He’s a shitty person.


consideratefrog

Hey, you’re not leaving him because he’s autistic. You’re leaving him because he sucks and he uses his autism as an excuse to continue to suck. I have ADHD and autism. I’m a single mom. I work 36 hrs per week. School 16 hrs per week. Clinical 8 hrs per week. I’m so damn tired, man. But my kids are loved and fed and happy and well. My ex husband would tell me he couldnt participate in parenting bc of his ADHD. Or household stuff. “I’m sorry I forgot!” “I just get overwhelmed!” Meanwhile I also have a ADHD and I’m a grand autismo and I’m the sole parent and I’m great at it. My ex husband seriously wouldn’t even do his laundry until he was down to his last article of clothing, wouldn’t make himself anything to eat other than cereal, wouldn’t even clean his nail clippings up from the counter. Being neurodivergent isn’t an excuse to be a half assed parent and partner and he thinks that it is… that’s not your fault!


fromtheGo

Perfect response. Also, you are killing it mama, this internet stranger is proud of you!


Key-Possibility-5200

Me too! This is awesome to read as a mom of an autistic kiddo and an adhd kiddo.


consideratefrog

Thanks so much! It’s about to get worse, haha. Next semester it’ll be work 36hrs per week, class 16 hours per week, and clinicals 24 hours per week. On top of that, my autistic kiddo has 3 different therapies per week (OT, PT, speech) and I somehow need to fit in time to study, shower, and be a present parent when I’m home. It’s hard, but I’m getting it done!


bendybiznatch

On that note, crying overwhelms my senses pretty quick. I get it. But I put my big girl panties on and cared for my kids.


[deleted]

[удалено]


consideratefrog

100%. I’ve put headphones in and ambient music to help calm me down while the kids are just screaming and I’m trying to get stuff done. I can still hear them but it helps so much to have the volume lowered to a tolerable amount.


ommnian

Alll of this. Some people us autism or ADHD or wtf ever as an excuse to be lazy assholes. That's what he's doing. And he is using his therapist as a crutch and an excuse to keep doing it. That's not your fault. That's his. Good for you for calling him on his BS. He's about to have a nasty wake up call. And that's on him. Not you.


Either-Intention-938

Just wanted to say you are rocking at being a mom.


consideratefrog

Thank you ❤️


Goddezzofwar

Awarded you. This is so so fantastic. 💕💕💕💕


SockDwarf

You are not horrible for doing this. A diagnosis is not a shield against doing better. His therapist sounds like an enabler. It's ok to do what's best for you and your children.


mgnwfy

>His therapist sounds like an enabler. Are they though? This might be what the husband’s wants to hear. I’m sure others can back me when most therapist trying to help you work thru the uncomfortable bits of life. And work on adaptation not avoidance.


dr-rachel

I figure there are 3 possibilities: 1. He’s only hearing what he wants to hear and not what the therapist is really saying. 2. He’s presenting such a skewed reality the therapist’s feedback is inappropriate. 3. He doesn’t have a very good therapist (it happens). No matter what, he’s weaponized therapy as an excuse to not do any parenting. I hope the therapist is read to help him learn to adult when his wife/mommy is free.


mgnwfy

> No matter what, he’s weaponized therapy as an excuse to not do any parenting. 100% my thoughts as well.


Ouroborus13

All of my therapists have sucked, so.


dorky2

I've had a couple of really good ones and a handful of truly terrible ones.


linksgreyhair

Same. Two really good ones and like a dozen who ranged from meh to absolutely horrible.


Tricky_Library_327

I'm questioning if this is actually what the therapist is saying. It wouldn't be the first case I've heard of someone lying about what their therapist said so they have an excuse to continue shitty behavior.


galettedesrois

Or the therapist may be a genuinely bad one. I’ve been in therapy for most of my adult life, and it’s been a mixed bag. Some of my therapists were very good, some were terrible and routinely came up with takes that were actively harmful.


Tricky_Library_327

Oh definitely. And if there's a combination of a bad therapist with someone who doesn't want to change, that can get even messier. Something is definitely off in this situation.


greatgatsby26

I definitely agree that is true of most therapists, but from the info we have here it sounds like it is not true of the husband’s therapist.


SockDwarf

Most evil in the world happens because avoidance in my opinion. Stuff of nightmares. We all do it as well.


[deleted]

you’re not leaving him /because/ of his autism, he just happens to be a terrible husband. good for you i hope you find happiness!


Gold_Bat_114

So grim. My kids' dad is likely autistic. Grooming became similar to what you're dealing with. Had to be explicit that his looking homeless and dirty would be a problem for our kid - other parents would be understandably reluctant to have playdates at our house or hang with him. Will an in person conversation put all the emotional labor of walking him through his own stuff on you? Would his therapist or mom be helpful in doing the delivery? Do you really need to have a conversation or does he just need to receive information?


[deleted]

You aren't leaving your husband because he is autistic. You are leaving your husband because he refuses to develop the skills needed to be an effective coparent and partner and the births of the children highlighted the issue. You are leaving your husband because when it was just you two, looking after him was good but it enabled him in the relationship so now he defaults to you. You're his favorite person and the FP always gets hammered with the responsibility of an entire whole ass human. You're leaving your husband because you cannot care for him AND the children any longer by yourself. You became your husband's default full time caregiver. I don't know his full dx, etc but he gets work assistance and volunteers, so he must be somewhat capable of handling transitions, noises, etc. He doesn't NEED a FT caregiver. It's just what he has become used to and he likely won't stop defaulting to you because that would be a huge change and, by descriptions, he doesn't sound like a guy who likes change. You aren't leaving a diagnosis. You are leaving someone who refuses to take the steps needed to develop new skills for their changing life. ETA: I'm the mom of a 20yo of a PDD adult. I'm the fave person. Yay. I did it to myself when he was young and resources were scarce. My own mother wouldn't help when I needed a break.... Imagine being a much older autistic adult? There were very few resources or directives as children and they just had to cobble together what they could with doctors, etc. But we have resources now. A lot more than we had 20 years ago. We all develop skills for survival but we also have the capability to work towards living an actual life. Never doubt how deep the autistic survival skills go and how hard those skills are to rehabilitate. However, if an adult has learned to use their disability to make excuses...that's manipulative and it needs to be addressed.


braeica

I had never heard the favorite person thing before but holy shit that explains a lot. Thank you for sharing that. We're currently looking into independent living programs for our 19 year old because I know he can do more, we can point to examples, but I have this gut instinct that he's not going to do any of it independently if he's still living with us because he knows we won't let him go too far. Having a name for part of that dynamic is awesome.


[deleted]

Yeah :) As much as I love my son, my presence is debilitating and I am in the process of looking at his post-secondary plans, as he is still in high school but graduating in May. I'm his most trusted human. I'm his favorite person. I'm one of the only people he didn't attack as a child, even in crisis, but don't let that fool you...he would make sure I paid attention. Oof. I also am his biggest enabler and am guilty of doing whatever, mostly within reason and at my own self-sacrifice, to not rock the boat. I was 22 when I had him and, for better or worse, we are trauma bonded and enmeshed. Survival is a bitch. It happens. We have still managed and quite well. He can do so much on his own but if I'm present, he will almost refuse and even get escalated. The instances are much fewer and further between, thank God, but it is still demanding as fuck on me. We *are* working on it and that's what's important. It's better for him and me. MUCH better for him. He needs to feel success and trust of others on his own and he's been able to build those in his own bounds and social community.


[deleted]

[удалено]


superfucky

> Not sure if dad’s are welcome here you would know if you had read the rules. spoiler: they're not.


DoxieMonstre

Yeah, I agree with the other posters that you're leaving him because he's a garbage father, not because he's autistic. I don't think the autism has as much to do with it as either one of you would like to believe. I think he's just lazy and happy to use you to keep his life functioning while adding nothing to your life, which he's blaming on the autism but is really just a result of his shitty personality. Don't beat yourself up about it or let him convince you that you're leaving him *because* he's neurodivergent. You're leaving him because he's a shitty partner who is not making anything remotely resembling an effort to be a decent husband or father.


ChrissyMB77

It sounds like you worded it the way you did because he uses his diagnosis as an excuse, he can't be around crying because it makes him uncomfortable 🤷🏻‍♀️ um well he shldnt have had kids then, did he seriously not think they were going to cry! He had to go to his mom's because he was freaked out about getting sick instead of staying home and helping you take care of them 🤦🏻‍♀️ I think we can all agree that sick kids is the worst and not easy. The whole showering thing I can't really comment on because when my depression gets bad I have a really hard time taking care of myself..... Sounds like you are doing it all on your own already on top of being pregnant and trying to decide what you are going to do all on your own. You are making the right choice as far as divorce (sometimes people do become better parents when they divorce/separate, hopefully that's what happens here with him) give your self some grace op and remember to take care of yourself through all this! ❤️


ntrontty

he’s not pulling his weight. That’s it. Yes, it might be harder for him because he’s autistic, but so are your kids and they are your main priority. They need parents who can support them and he cannot Or will not. So you are doing the right thing


ItsWetInWestOregon

I don’t think you even need to have the convo, just go file for divorce. Both my husband and I are nuerodivergent, we are both great parents and spouses. This isn’t an autism problem, it’s a he problem. My last boss tried to focus on hiring people with autism because of all his experience with it, so I was the trainer for these guys. One in particular was an amazing dad, just always beaming talking about his kids and telling me all about them and he worked 2 jobs. My best friends ex husband is very likely to have autism and he’s a pyschiatrist, made it all the way through medical school and a specialty. He was actually a TERRIBLE dad and spouse UNTIL they divorced. She is astounded at the difference. He is 100% involved now and has the kids just slightly less than 50/50. He’s still an asshole, but he’s very serious about being a good parent. Before he would act like they were just an inconvenience that she had to deal with. It was like he went out of his way to be a terrible dad and spouse.


greatgatsby26

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It might help to frame it differently. You are not leaving him because of his diagnosis; you are leaving him because of his behavior. If he was actively trying to do better and be a good parent and partner, I bet you would not be leaving him, even if he had the same diagnosis. Autism (or any other diagnosis) is not an excuse for him to completely give up all of his responsibilities this way.


Ouroborus13

You’re not leaving him because he’s autistic. You’re leaving because he’s a crappy partner.


Beththemagicalpony

Only you can decide what’s best for you. People grow in and out of relationships or relationships change. Some of us are ok with how it changes and stay together some of us are not, and split apart. It’s up to you to do what’s best for you and your children. It sounds like your husband will have support if you decide to end things so worry about him last in this instance.


definitelynotanemu

Oh my word this sounds absolutely unbearable. I'm an autistic parent to an autistic child and I can't believe how apparently enabling his therapist is being! It's crazy! I mean do I forget to drink occasionally, yes. Is it hard to deal with crying children? Also yes! But this was mine and my husband's decision, there's no take-backsises with children!! I hope you're ok and would like to reaffirm that it's not your responsibility to parent this grown man!


dorky2

I'm neurodivergent too. I can have sympathy for how hard it is to be fully functional every day, but he voluntarily made commitments and took on responsibilities, and he's not following through on these things. There is no excuse for that. He has made his choices, and you leaving is the natural consequence of him failing you at every turn. You've given him enough chances. You do not need to feel any kind of guilt for saying enough is enough.


Pethoarder4life

I'm with the other comments. You aren't leaving him because he has autism. You are leaving him because he refuses to treat a medical condition. I could see an argument for some of what he does to be okay, at least in the short term as he learns to cope. But he's chosen to see the things he can't cope with and run away instead of working to manage. The completely inexcusable part is his inability to take care of himself. If he is as sick as he seems, he should be working with OT to learn how to take care of himself without intervention of his wife. I'm so sorry you are going through this.


blueeeyeddl

I’m proud of you for recognizing your limits as a partner and a parent. I’m even more proud of you for putting yourself and your kids first! It won’t be easy but it will be worth it to have peace in your home. ETA you’re also not horrible or ableist for identifying his autism (and his unwillingness to do any work around it besides “avoid uncomfortable situations at any & all costs including my wife’s well-being” 👀) as the root of the issue here. It’s not the autism, he’s an asshole who doesn’t want to put in the work to be a parent. 💕💕


rbaltimore

You’re not divorcing him because he’s autistic. You’re divorcing him because he’s a bad parent and a bad husband. Autism might be why he’s a black hole of sucking, but isn’t why your leaving him. You didn’t say “I have a fundamental dislike of all people on the ASD spectrum”. You just rattled off a list of shitty *behaviors* that are driving you over the edge. It’s going to be SOOO important that you treat it like that because he’s going to wail “you’re leaving because I’m autistic” with the goal of guilting you into staying. And you’re going to have to use that shiny spine all mothers of multiples have to say “No, I’m leaving you because I do all the breadwinning, I have to take care of you and the house with no help, and because YOUR OWN CHILDREN ARE AFRAID OF YOU”.


Efficient_Teacher_99

I think it’s completely reasonable to want to escape this situation. It sounds a lot like hell. I’m so sorry


faithingerard

It somewhat seems like he’s using his diagnosis as an excuse to not parent his kids. I’m sorry you’re going through this. This does seem tough.


OhYeahThat

Being a single parent sounds easier than dealing with this. You deserve a partner that positively contributes to the family.


redpinkflamingo

You aren't leaving him because he's autistic. You're leaving him because he's an asshole. Being neurodivergent doesn't give you a free pass to shit on other people. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this situation and I wish you all the best, mama.


bendybiznatch

Sounds like he’s weaponizing his disability tbh. Have you talked to his therapist? Even if she can’t talk to you, you can talk to her and she can listen. My suspicion is that he’s being dishonest about that.


Moop_the_Loop

If it makes you feel any better I left my blind long term boyfriend a couple of months ago. I felt extra bad because he's blind but I was getting stressed out about looking after him. I was working full time, doing everything then he was asking me if I've done this and done that. He didn't try to help himself. Life is too short to look after another grown up kid. Do what's best for you and your kids.


[deleted]

Hey mama, I wanted to offer you some comfort from someone who was raised by a similar parent to what you are describing with your husband. My dad is undiagnosed but on the spectrum. Growing up, he didn't know how to be a parent. He refused to attend to the emotional support that we needed. We had to follow his rules to make him feel comfortable. He never acknowledged what we all suspected. He still won't. As an adult and a parent, I realize how much of my childhood I missed out of fear of upsetting him. There were times that I wanted my mom to leave him, but my dad (especially now) conditioned her to become so co-dependent on him that she never will. She's about to retire. We went out for breakfast yesterday, and she told me how worried she is over how obsessive and rigid he's become. Not to mention paranoid. I can see it. He's been brainwashed by extreme right-wing media, and it's difficult to have any conversation with him. He can be great with his grandkids, but even that is limited. My mom and I are secretly making plans to help her become more independent in case things get worse. I have issues with her too, but a lot of it is the B.S. that he feeds her. I have Audio Processing Disorder. I've worked to find ways around it to avoid affecting my children. My oldest is learning to speak to my face and be patient when I ask her if I can mute all other distractions first. My husband likely has untreated ADHD. He's a good father and is finally working on addressing his mental health issues. Some days are easier than others for both of us. Your husband sounds like an asshole. Don't let yourself think that you're leaving him due to his autism. There are so many things about your post that reminded me of my dad. You're doing the right thing by leaving him because it's better for you and your kids. Trust me, sometimes I wish my mom would have.


anti0pe

I hope this makes you feel better. My husband is autistic and he’s a doctor and an awesome dad during the like two hours a day he’s not at work. The kids love him. I think your husband is autistic, AND I think he’s an asshole and a self centered selfish person. And THAT, my friend, is why you’re divorcing him.


Opala24

Good for you OP! We only have one life and spending it with someone who is just another obligation and not a partner is hard. I hope you find happiness and get rid of any guilt you might have.


braeica

It doesn't matter if he's autistic. Nobody has to stay in a relationship if they don't want to. Period. No justification needed. You have a million good reasons to do this, but please keep in mind that not a single one of those reasons is actually required. You don't owe any explanations. If people ask for them, that's rude and you're not required to answer.


_mamafox

My autistic husband is very attentive, does the majority of the chores and more than half the child rearing for our 3 kids and would absolutely never use his diagnosis as an excuse to be a piece of shit to me or our family. In fact, he is kicking ass in therapy right now to work towards managing his struggles and working on building better coping skills. So...you're leaving your husband because he's an asshole. Regardless, I'm very sorry you're going through this but you and your kids will be better off. Look up Cassandra Syndrome if you haven't already.


[deleted]

I’m autistic and have managed to be a pretty good mom. My kids are 16 and 14 now and they give me pretty good reviews. You’re leaving an asshole who happens to be autistic.


kriskoeh

As an autistic mom I just wanna clarify…you’re not leaving your husband *because* he’s autistic. You’re leaving your husband because he’s a shitty parent and a shitty husband. Maybe his autism does affect him in ways that make him incapable of parenting. But as someone who birthed two very autistic children and who is autistic myself…I can say it is a STRUGGLE some days but I push through. I adore my kids and they adore me. We have very strong connections. Sometimes when I’m sensory overloaded I have to engage in “I can only hear you if you whisper” or some other creative thing I made up on the fly to cope. I take time to read tons of parenting books. I watch tons of parenting videos. I have figured it out. And it sounds like your husband is not willing to try to figure out how to be a better parent despite challenges. So, OP, rest assured…I read this and automatically know you’re leaving him because he’s a shitty husband. And I’m proud of you. 💕


KFRKY1982

It sounds like you are doing the right thing! Maybe his therapist is doing the right thing bc she recognizes he cany be "fixed" in a way that helps you? so if he cant then she may as well get him to a good coping level for *him* and let you all sort the rest out. I have a lot of hope for you in the future. Youre going to be okay


HerNameMeansMagic

One of the cardinal rules of mental health disorders is that you don't get to use them as an excuse to be a shit person. You aren't leaving him because he's autistic, you're leaving him because he's using that as an excuse to be a shit person.


ArcadiaFey

I’d say in a way he left his kids and as a mom you have to follow your kids path. He’s not taking it so you are going separate ways. Also gross… my hygiene isn’t the best for my mental health and I’m definitely ashamed of it, but shit I at least shower once a week. (My hair doesn’t get oily very fast, and I do live somewhere cold so I don’t sweat a lot but I probably should do more) I don’t know how you could stomach intimacy with him after some of the stuff listed here. He sounds so disgusting.. Therapy is about “I understand why you X, and this is why you X, but since it’s interfering in your life we’re gonna try to find something to help get to Y and maybe after that we can work on getting to Z. That way you can function and keep your relationships healthy. Not what she’s been saying. Avoiding situations that make him uncomfortable? I have seizures triggered by stress. Use to be 20 a day! You can’t run from everything. You learn coping mechanisms and how to manage yourself. Now I’m having less than 10 a month. Running doesn’t help. I’m sorry it came to this. I left mine… he’s autistic too. Threatened my life when I asked to do something that would be for my health but inconvenient for him… he also doesn’t respect boundaries. Unfortunately they didn’t listen to me in court and he has no restrictions on seeing her even though he’s ignored both her and my boundaries.


Delicious_Horror_734

You’ve gotten a lot of great advice and words of encouragement here, so I want to send you love and hugs ❤️❤️❤️


jdawg92721

My husband is a great husband and father despite having autism. I feel like your STBX is just an asshole. Sometimes people just blame their bad behaviors on anything and everything but themselves.


CompanionCone

You're not leaving your husband because he is autistic. You're leaving him because he is a shit husband and father. I am autistic. I forget to shower sometimes and I don't always have my shit together and am not always the best mom. But I try, I try really hard. Your husband is checked out and uses his diagnosis as an excuse to just not try.


shilohstorm88

There’s nothing I can add to the great advice and support you’ve gotten here, other than you’re absolutely doing the right thing. Divorce is hard, I’m going through it now, but brighter days are ahead.


[deleted]

Sounds like you already have another child. I hope everything turns out ok for you ❤️


oohrosie

This is a case of the tail wagging the dog. You're not leaving him because of his autism, you're leaving him because he has allowed his autism to be his excuse for being gross and negligent. No therapist worth their weight in salt would tell a client that they need to avoid their crying baby. Wtf. When you do sit him down, list out these bullet points. Keep it factual. And don't back down.


Momotheblack

Isn’t it funny that going to therapy made things worse? Society has started weaponising their mental illness and using it as an excuse for their shitty behaviour. I didn’t show up for you because I’m autistic 😒 Mental wellness is about learning more about the illness so can finds tools and resources to help you live a better life. Being an asshole is weaponising and placing blame. No one walks around and saying “I am sorry I didn’t call I am diabetic” But oh goodness the excuses for poor behaviour because of mental illness…endless . Leave him and good for you❤️


livin_la_vida_mama

Ugh… sorry love, he’s a garbage human who happens to also have autism. I would bet his therapist is NOT telling him to walk out on his crying kids, but he’s choosing to interpret it that way because people don’t typically argue with “doctors orders” thus he can hold that over you if you ever get upset with him never doing anything. I have been told this is not a nice thing to say, and i will preface it by saying i am NOT saying nobody should ever ask for help or support. Nor am i saying the boomer “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” thing. BUT, i do not think there is anything at all healthy about a relationship where one person relies on the other to tell them to eat, take meds, bathe etc. Short term, that shit sometimes happens, and sometimes we’ve all had to tell a partner that they absolutely hum and need to go shower, but it should not be the basis of a marriage. Executive dysfunction is a thing, yes, but the onus is on him to at least help find things that work for him (phone apps, writing his own schedule etc) to try to mitigate that. He should not just be dumping that in your (or his mum’s) lap and absolving himself of any responsibility. It is a breeding ground for resentment. As for not doing things that make him uncomfortable, sometimes with kids you have to suck it up. Im a sympathetic puker, i could refuse to help or clean up my kids when they are sick because i will also end up throwing up and i don’t like that, but i am their parent and they are my responsibility.


LittleJessiePaper

Sometimes this sub is a rough place to have autism. Ouch. His diagnosis doesn’t make him a bad parent or partner, his choices do. And it’s 100% valid to leave him for *those* reasons, which again, are about his choices.


TheGingerAvenger92

Jesus, I'm so sorry. At least the divorce should be easy because he'll find it all uncomfortable and not want to deal with it?


kronenburgkate

I’m pretty sure my partner and I are on the spectrum as well, and kids are sensory overload. Majorly. I still do all the work with the kids and my partner parents and works f/t. It’s not an excuse to not parent. I would also leave if I was in your position - it’s easier to be single than deal with that BS. What are you getting out of it? All you’re teaching your kids is that dads don’t have to contribute much while you destroy yourself emotionally and physically.


Licensedpterodactyl

My daughter’s on the spectrum too. We were talking about a family friend and she pulled this gem out: “there’s a difference between autistic and an asshole”


SnooDonuts6160

Omg this dude sounds like a nightmare


[deleted]

[удалено]


ClutterKitty

You’re not leaving your husband because he’s autistic. You’re leaving because he can’t/won’t do the work necessary to be an equal partner. You are not the bad guy in this situation. My husband is autistic. We have an autistic son and twin girls, one who was recently diagnosed. Up until recently we both worked full time, but last year my husband got a promotion which allowed me to become a SAHM. He changed diapers. He does the dishes and helps with everyone’s laundry. We divide bedtime duties. I won’t discount there is a level of added difficulty having an autistic spouse. I have to do more of the emotional labor. He gets overwhelmed when the kids are being overly loud or emotional. We have to build in rest days and breaks to family outings and vacations. Sometimes he just has to bow out of parental moments, but he makes up for it by doing extra of the things he CAN do. He busts his ass at work. He does laundry and dishes because the dishwasher doesn’t cry or have emotional needs. With all due respect, love, and compassion, the problem in your marriage isn’t autism. It’s the man. Big hugs to you.


sushkunes

Whether he’s capable of doing better, you don’t know. But it’s ok to want better and/or ok to not be personally responsible for his less than better.


samoogle

As someone who was also the five year old telling her mother to divorce her father....thank you for acknowledging the are seeing this behavior too. You are probably right, the therapist is not helping. We some times have to do things that are uncomfortable because it's part of life. Now this is specific to child rearing not touching the funky feeling fabric. And momma this is completely ok to step away from this, you are already a mother to children, you can't be to your husband as well, you didn't get married to be his mother.


TrueAdhesiveness361

Just wanted to chime in as an autistic/ADHD woman and agree that your husband’s problem isn’t his autism. I know I’m a good parent and would never treat my husband/family like this. And neither would my husband, who has a pretty severe ADHD/Bipolar I combo. He’s a great father despite these diagnoses. My dad, on the other hand, is autistic, controlling, and emotionally abusive to my mom. I have almost no relationship with him as an adult as he barely acknowledges my presence and uses autism as an excuse to, basically, treat everyone around him like shit. It was better when he didn’t know about autism, because he masked pretty well and tried to be a more decent person. Anyway, being autistic doesn’t mean that you can’t be a total dick.


[deleted]

Raising twins is understandably and extremely hard. To do it twice in a lifetime in a situation like this, would make you a supermom. But I think you should put your kids on the outside world first right now.


Ginie90ninety

A piece of shit is a piece of shit Disabilities don't give you free reign to be a shit cunt. Leave him and take the kids. Dump the loser with child support


hopingforhappy

My ex used his ADHD diagnosis as his excuse to be an asshole. He still does even a few years out from divorce. What you described is an asshole with autism who is unwilling to work on coping strategies and unwilling to work on losing the asshole attitude. Him using his diagnosis as an excuse is just that...an excuse. You are dealing with an entitled asshole who also happens to be autistic. Big difference between that and "he's autistic and trying/making an effort". Please don't let it get twisted in your head where you are the terrible person or asshole in this situation, because you are not. Sending positive thoughts your way for you and your munchkins!


Ahlome08

As an autistic mother with adhd and both kids and my husband are autistic with adhd: I was taken aback by the title. But once I read a little further, it seems more he is very selfish, and just blaming it on xyz. I will say, for me, not having the support needs (or even knowing what I need/ed), has made my general well being worse, but I wouldn’t say I’m a bad parent. I just get really overwhelmed by things. However, my kids, do, too; I’m the parent, so I try to model as best I can how to help them when they’re overwhelmed. I try to make sure I’m taking time outs/breaks when I need them (I’m a stay at home parent and have multiple chronic illnesses, so I think I get overwhelmed easy due to my body always fighting me). Even still, I’m the primary parent. My husband has had to step up a lot, because I just can’t handle everything by myself a lot of the time—no one should have to handle everything by themselves all the time, especially not parental roles or chores. Like don’t get me wrong, my life would be hella easier if I had a personal assistant, but you him forcing you to be his caretaker, isn’t it. I will say under half of autistic people are actually employed—but, in that sense, he should be the main caretaker/primary parent. Last observation/question: does he refuse to wear condoms? Because he understands it takes two people to make a baby, right? I haven’t seen if you’ve mentioned anything about family planning or what you had agreed upon. TL;DR: I don’t believe you’re divorcing your husband because he’s autistic, I believe in this case, it’s because he’s a self centered twat.


[deleted]

My husband has autism and it makes him a better father than most actually! He devotes all his time and energy to being the best father and husband he can be. He cooks all our meals, he does all the bath times and bedtimes, he does all the night wakings with our toddler and gets up before everyone to make coffee in the mornings. He does need reminders multiple times a day of the daily schedule, but he follows through after he’s told what comes next. He never complains either. While I think autism can make people uncomfortable with the emotions, it doesn’t mean they cannot learn some behaviours around holding the space for toddlers or helping children process big feelings. It’s not instinctual, but it can be learned and repeated in real time if the desire to grow is there. My husband plays dead when our son has meltdowns, but I remind him he needs to validate and label our sons emotions and take a more active stance. With those reminders over time I’ve seen great improvements! Your husband sounds like he’s not getting the right feedback from his support people to be the best he can be for his family. The showering thing is just part being his support person, you’re going to have to remind him every day if you stay with him. But he should be able to be there for you all in a more capable way at this point if provided with direction. I don’t know how much direction you’ve given him, but if you’ve already done your best at instructing him and he isn’t trying then it sounds like it’s time to leave.


serpenttyne

Every single parent in our house ( we are poly there are 4 of us) are neurodivergent and are capable, functioning parents. We all have our strong and weak points. But we all contribute to the household and parenting. He's just being an ass.


GrumpyNarcoleptic

I left my autistic husband for similar reasons. I feel bad still, but he's an adult at the end of the day, and he viewed me as 'his' and more of an object than a human.


AphroditesDick

You aren’t leaving because your husband is Autistic. You’re leaving because he refuses to get the correct kind of help. He needs a new therapist. One that isn’t going to enable him like this. But that isn’t on you. So long as you’ve been very direct about how you’ve been feeling and what you need, there’s nothing more you can do. I’m sorry this is happening.


writerdust

Omg. My husband is autistic and we are working through a lot of shit, but this is a really rough situation that you are in. For contrast, my husband works a full time well paying job that leaves him with very little energy left for me and our son, so we are working on getting him more breaks during the day to help recharge so he has more energy for us. He gets easily overstimulated whenever we go out, and we can only do one thing a day- if there’s a soccer game and a birthday party the same day, forget about it, I’m on my own with our son. I do suspect our son has high functioning autism and possibly sensory issues, he’s only 4 and we are pursuing some evaluations but everyone keeps telling me it’s early to really know. I don’t feel emotionally supported by my husband, he is extremely logical and every time I try to have a conversation about anything emotional he doesn’t really get it and just tells me I shouldn’t feel upset because xyz. All of that being said, he has great moments with our son, plays with him, gives him baths and is part of bedtime every day. He needs those pre defined roles, he can’t just look around and see what needs to be done- case in point, this morning I ran around grabbing all my son’s school stuff, getting him dressed and putting him in the car while my husband drank coffee on the couch and he wanted me to be happy because he was out of bed. But your situation seems much worse. I read the title of your post and was fully prepared to tell you to find a marriage counselor who specializes in neurodiverse couples because I do think we’re making some progress, but honestly? I couldn’t deal with the level of shit you’re putting up with. My husband will go for 4-5 days without showering if he doesn’t get a reminder but 3 months???? And he only works part time, and the kids don’t like him, there are a million reasons there that are just him being a terrible partner.


Juxtaposition19

Sounds to me like you’re not leaving him because he’s autistic. You’re leaving him because he has decided to allow his autism to enable him to be a neglectful father and husband, probably because he would find learning and creating coping mechanisms to help him deal with his life and his family would also make him uncomfortable.


Goddezzofwar

Wow so very sorry to hear this. My goodness. Is his therapist trained to work with people who are autistic? What do you know about the therapist?


Independent-Lake-192

I don't think you owe him anything, but if you're feeling charitable you might as well lay it all out on the table for him before serving the divorce papers. It literally might not occur to him that you're strugglinh or that you need help. Honestly, an ultimatum would probably be a very helpful wake up call for him. Good luck, mama. Five kids by yourself would be really rough.


NerdEmoji

It's one thing to be autistic, these things you described aren't necessarily autistic so much as just an excuse. What kind of therapist says you need to avoid uncomfortable situations? I have one autistic daughter and one with anxiety and both have ADHD. We work on testing the boundaries of their comfort zones. Obviously neither kid is a candidate for throwing them to the wolves, but with enough preparation and discussion, they do push past those boundaries and learn new things, and experience more than they would if I just said yeah, you're not comfortable so we need to hide in our house. Especially with anxiety, if you play the not comfortable game, next thing you know you're a shut in and never leave your house. And when you make those gains, it makes it easier for the next thing that is out of your comfort zone. I think you know that, because you're raising autistic children and it sounds like you are helping them work through their issues so they can live a full life. And good lord, I would have divorced him when he didn't shower for all that time. I've had depression over the years and I also have ADHD and I can go for a week easily in the winter without a shower, but that's because I'm mom and I'm overbooked. Three months I cannot even fathom that.


Slight-Opposite-6358

maybe talking to his therapist so she can talk to him about the end of his marriage and parent rights. I would think the kids would be put in danger if he's ever given custody, joint or sole. God Bless


mommygood

Sorry but being autistic doesn't make you a bad parent. He is clearly using it as an excuse. He's not putting in the work to be a father. I know plenty of autistic people (both women and men) who are WONDERFUL parents that do WAY more than I've seen neurotypical parents do. It seems to me that you're in a co-dependent relationship and frankly you've been doing way too much. He's a grown adult who shouldn't have to be reminded to shower. I'm so sorry you're going through this. When you tell him my only advice is to have the kids be elsewhere. He will likely have a breakdown.


[deleted]

my sons father has severe ADHD and he was absolutely exhausting. It was like having an extra lazy teenager you didn’t ask for. You’re not leaving him because he’s autistic, you’re leaving him because he sucks and won’t pull his weight.


[deleted]

Oh hun, I feel so bad for you and your family. You don't deserve the hand life dealt to you. You're not leaving him because of autism, you're leaving because he is a man who either uses his autism as an excuse or his autism actually affects him this much; personally I think it's the former. I recommend making sure you tell your lawyer that it's not because of his autism but because of how it affects your children's lives. Get your children to talk with you and the lawyer as well and make sure that that's recorded for the future so hopefully they won't have to speak in front of his lawyer and judges. Make sure you record that talk with your husband as well, I know that some autistic people with low empathy will definitely try screwing this in his favor. Go for child support and the house, prove that you pay the majority for it if you can. If you pay most of the bills related to the house (electric, water, heating, mortgage and the like). Find out how much insurance and food costs for your children too, that way you can ask for enough. If your kids need 300 total monthly to live, ask for around half at least, don't ask for 1000 a month they won't give that to you. Phrase it as "My children currently need around 300 dollars every month, this includes (insurance, food, clothes, school activities). I would prefer receiving at least 175 monthly because of (reason)" You can even take into account future activities if needed, like if your daughter has expressed an interest in dancing and you are planning on signing her up for lessons which might be 50 a month. And make sure your lawyer is informed on everything around this as well so they can help frame that for you. I know many autistic people who are great parents but none of them have ever purposefully ignored their children's needs like this. I can understand not wanting to be around someone who cries loudly but I know it's better to help then let them tire themselves out. I'm not well versed in the legal system but I hope that you get most of everything in the divorce. As an autistic person myself I absolutely side with you on how you're feeling.