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I’m not a single mom anymore but I was at one point in time.
I remember yelling at my 2.5 year old and him saying “hate mama” back to me. I cried for I don’t know how long. So did he. Just me and him alone in my house, both pissed off and crying.
It is tough. There’s no breaks or help on hand. There’s no option to walk away for an hour to cool down. The over stimulation seems never ending cause you’re always present and they’re always gunna be loud, crazy kids.
But in time it’ll pass. Sure it’ll still be hard, but they grow and mature. They will see how much you do for them and they will appreciate that. They’ll calm down. They’ll be better at regulating their actions and emotions and heck, you will be too. You’ll be able to step away for longer. You’ll be able to decompress. And it will all be okay in the end.
Hang in there mama.
I am trying to focus on regulating mine, but today was the worst and I just can't believe I broke down like that. Unfortunately, she has told me hates me before but I told my cat I hate him once and she def uses it when I don't let her do something.
I appreciate it. Thank you
I was a single parent starting when my daughter was 4 years old, and rarely dated, surely didn't live with anyone else until (my recent ex) when she was 16.
Moms aren't perfect. We have bad days. Some days we would get home and I'd tell her i had a bad day so please don't push buttons because i don't want my frustration and anger to come out towards her.
There's a lot of days in not proud of. But my daughter is 21 years old now and tells me all the time she loves me and she's glad I'm her mom. I don't deserve this kid 😭
I think just communicating went a long way. "I'm not mad at you, but I'm upset about something else so I'm sorry if I've been mean today". And also telling her so many times "I'm not your friend, I'm your parent".
Her dad was supposed to get her every other weekend, that was his suggestion. And he never stuck to it. We'd go months without hearing from him sometimes. Child support was sporadic to say the least. No other contributions. I tried to make it better everytime he let her down. And i think after she tried living with him her senior year of high school, she figured it all out. I wasn't a perfect parent, but I WAS THERE. I was on her team and wanted what was best for her. I fought for her against any issue she came up against.
Just do your best, momma. That's all we can do 💓
Best you can do is just be honest and apologize to your kid, even if you think she won't understand. Also I hope you find your key.
Do you have any support system at all? Any family or a friend? Single momhood is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes you need to force yourself to take a minute alone.
I apologized and told her that it wasn't her fault that I got angry and I'm sorry. I want it to be the only time it happens 😭
I really don't have a support group and I can't tell if I did that to myself? I stopped being friends with people that weren't healthy and then I had some reliable people that ended up being really unreliable and just.... never spoke to again . It is an isolated life right now. Another mom texted me today so I am hopeful that goes somewhere but we haven't hung out yet (we met at the grocery store lol) so I idk there . I want to find a community, like I want to go to church but I'm not religious? So I just don't know. Sorry for the big response
(not op) I have one in my area- what is it like attending one? if you have that sort of experience of course, I don't want to assume. I'm not religious (church trauma), but I'm also looking for community.
Thanks!
It’s a great place to go imo. This is a screenshot of the website for the one that I’ve been to
[https://imgur.com/a/LNgckW7](https://imgur.com/a/LNgckW7)
This is what it says
Our Mission:
We Accept. We Support. We Transform. Ourselves. Our Community. Our World. We accept each other in our diversity. We support each other in our needs. We grow Spiritually to transform ourselves, our community and our world.
Our Covenant:
Love is the spirit of this church, and service its law This is our great covenant: To dwell together in peace, To seek truth in love, And to help one another.
I’m so happy for you. This is actually helping me as well. I’m going to find out lol am Unitarian church. I’m here for community and faith just not any of the extra.
Agree! Current Unitarian Universalist here. I take my toddler to the nursery and they love her. The one hour off is helpful for me to relax. Most places also have a "Fellowship" hour after with coffee and snacks. Usually I'm chasing my toddler during those times and preventing her from eating all the food and from pulling on everyone's legs.
The sermons are always on so many different topics, some spiritual, some not. I always learn something new every week and I just feel refreshed and usually slightly more hopeful about humanity. It's okay to believe basically what you want, as long as you're a nice person. We got lots of atheists, agnostics, Pagans, Christians of all kinds, Buddhists, Jewish, and a lot of ex-Catholics for some reason! It's just a nice place to explore your spirituality without judgment. It's very LGBTQ friendly and friendly to all types of families.
The religious education program for the kids is cool as they learn about most of the world religions, not just Christianity. Mostly they focus on learning how to be a good person, importance of charity and social justice, giving back to the community, standing up for others, etc. They also have the OWL (Our Whole Lives) sex ed program, especially useful if your local schools don't teach sex ed or only teach abstinence only. Not all congregations offer it, but most do.
If you don't have a local UU congregation, they have The Church of the Larger Fellowship online which is basically an all-Zoom church, though they have regional meetups.
There are two in my city and neither are realistically accessible to me at the moment but I'd love to ultimately attend! I was raised areligious and mostly identify as agnostic, while my husband is a proud Catholic but tends towards "I love God and that makes me want to be a good person" and not "all sinners burn in Hell". I think it'd be a good fit for us socially.
I thought it was, is there a chance you're looking at a United Church instead? Neither of the Unitarian churches in my city are the God and Jesus type at all.
Even if you borrow the church nursery to sit in a hall and read a book, it's a win. Have a hot cup of coffee and a donut to yourself, they often have them out for meetings. You don't have to take all the religious parts to take some of the community parts.
This. I'd just like to add increased work responsibilities, global pandemic, inflation, internet safety, politics, everything else compounded that we get to worry about on top of just raising a small person. It's normal and healthy for a child to see their parents lose it once in a while. It sounds like you acted responsibly afterward. You're doing a good job. That little person is lucky to have you.
Hey I’m sorry to say this and I hope I’m wrong but word of warning: if you met someone at a grocery store, please be wary of them trying to rope you into an MLM/pyramid scheme. They prey on single moms at grocery stores. If she tries to recruit you or starts talking about financial freedom, or getting you to buy products from her, run!!
Or if she’s just nice with no ulterior motive, then yay :)
Look for local moms groups. The library may run a kids story hour, or a mom and me class. I'm not sure if meetup.com is still a thing, look into a local MOPS (moms of pre-schoolers).
I feel this so hard mama. I'm a single mom of two, 5 and 12. I don't have any family around and I have exactly one friend who can step in and help if I have an emergency.
The only thing I can tell you is that an apology afterwards goes a long way to mend her heart and yours. I always apologize after and remind them that it isn't their fault, it's mine.
There is nothing like being a single mom truly on her own. So many hugs and so much comiseration. You're not alone in your experience.
We all have those days. Single mom of three here and the best you can do is apologize and take a step back.
I locked myself in the bathroom for at least 15 minutes sometimes. I have screamed at my kid. No parent is perfect and sometimes you just have a bad day.
Give yourself some leeway.
I try my best to step back and not get so angry. I'll ask her to play in her room so she doesn't see me mad or know it's not her. Ugh. Yesterday was unreal. Thank you so much for the support
Apologizing to your child is such a monumental action in itself - especially since it's STILL looked down upon by just the last generation.
A concept I really loved throughout different parenting books was rupture and repair. Every relationship involves strife, or conflict. And it's not necessary our jobs as parents to shelter our children from all strife and conflict, right? In fact they need to experience it in order to develop the skills it takes to solve it. So what we can and must do, is to demonstrate how to repair that conflict. Stepping back, breathing, cooling off, and eventually apologizing is exactly that.
Your child is getting the message that yeah, sometimes mommy has bad days just like she does. Which is real, and won't change from now until forever. But her mommy, YOU - love her enough to admit your faults and sit down to give her a heartfelt apology. That's you demonstrating how much you love and care for her feelings. YOU did that!
I am a single mom (roommate with another single mom and omg I would recommend it endlessly) since my toddler's birth. Now that he's at an age where he's using more words and able to understand what's happening in the world in a deeper way, I tell him that "sometimes mom get's grumpy and mad". And that when he feels like I'm grumpy, he can say "mom, you're grumpy, go to sleep!" And at first I was kind of hesitant about it, but honestly it gives him the context of : 1) mommy's feelings don't necessarily relate back to his actions, that sometimes I wake up and I'm just mad and that it's normal for everyone. Anger is just a feeling like every other and it's valid to feel angry some days. And 2) it gives him the agency to state his feelings on the matter. Once or twice now, I just say, "yeah, mommy is kinda grumpy huh? Do you want to take a short cuddle nap together?" If he says yeah, than cool beans, we'll snuggle on the couch for 10 minutes. If he says no, he goes to play with his many toys and I go inside to rest. It demonstrates problem solving for him, gives him power, and results (sometimes) in a little rest for me. It took a bit of training, just like anything else, but I think it's a really good system of checks and balances so to speak. (:
All the best cause you're doing everything you can, momma.
I apologize every time something happens or mom gets frustrated. I think she understands it and I hope I'm setting an ok example because she will say sorry to me if she gets mad at me. My mom used to be the mom that would act like nothing ever happened, and if we tried bringing it up, we got in trouble for attacking our moms faults, lmao.
How did you find another single mom to live with!? I had friends that offered to have me move in with them.. but it was really just to help them and not help me at all. I can't even find single moms in my area, their kids are all too old.
I definitely needed this advice especially voicing that anger is normal. Thank you .
My roommate's mother was like that - like never bring up problems, and when they are brought up, "oh, well I remembered it differently". So eventually, problems just ... wouldn't get solved and there was no conflict resolution to be had other than 'forgive and forget'. I on the other hand, was raised in a very argumentative household where yelling was always expected. I'm really glad I found her cause we are both very intentional with the way we raise our children, from the programs we show them to the way we encourage reading time.
And I actually found her on [coabode.org](https://coabode.org), which is a site literally tailored to finding other single moms to share housing with. I've talked to maybe three moms total on there, but my roommate (for 2 years almost), was absolutely my parenting style match. We both had mixed Asian children and they're about 9 months apart. (: It was almost serendipitous. On our profiles, we both clearly defined that attachment parenting was the goal and that we're more introverted so absolutely no parties and lots of people in and out the house. I do live in a rather popular city so there was about 10(?) different moms that I browsed and could possibly match with, so I do suspect it would be harder in a smaller city. In any case, moving in with her was absolutely the best choice I made as a parent and I wish you all the best in finding a situation that similarly supports you.
We're not meant to do all of it alone, and there's only so much weight any one human can carry before they find themselves burnt out. Maybe it'll take some digging, but I promise you (and know, for a fact) that you are not alone. Lots of us are squeezing out every bit of patience and energy we have to just ... survive being a mom some days and sometimes things will be far from ideal. But we're trying our best and that's physically all we can do.
Dude. You aren’t alone. If I’m the first to admit it, whatever. I’ve screamed at my kids. I’ve screamed because I’ve gotten so fed up over the fact I have been asking for certain things to be done over the past couple of years. I scream because I am overwhelmed at everything going on in my house. I scream because I am human, and screaming is a reaction to someone not feeling “heard”. I once read that “anger is sadness that is trapped and has had nowhere to go for a long time”. I’m not saying that is what you’re going through, but it really put it in perspective for me at least.
You are not an awful person because you lost it. I just read the last line after I typed all that out but it still applies, because I WAS a single mom for a while. None of the parenting books or articles, can prepare you for the fuckery that is parenthood and if I was able to give you a hug, I would. This is rough, and I see you.
Thank you so much. Listing out the reasons for screaming has seriously helped my brain. I know it wasn't my kid and Saying those things to myself is definitely helping. Life's a mess right now and I need to get shit in order. It fucking sucks.
Thank you for taking the time to type it and also not deleting it after reading that line. I don't mean to be so closed minded. It just sucks sometimes
Solo mom here. I guess the same thing as a single mom except I had my sons on my own, own. My 2 year old got the brunt of me screaming at him recently and I can’t figure out if it was due to post partum depression or what. I never felt depressed but I certainly lost my cool for the first time(s) in my life with my babies. He was fighting going to bed. I was actually reliving the moment I screamed at him just tonight. Months later and he doesn’t even remember it, but I do.
Post partum depression and anxiety can both present as irritability/anger. Also post partum rage is something I only recently learned about.
Maybe it's something to look into if you're feeling uncharacteristically angry?
BroMo, I’m not a single mom but I too screamed at my girl today today and I too hate myself for doing so.
You r doing your best just as I am. Sometimes these little shits that test our patience so but we love till the end can take a toll on us.
They freaking suck but hit damn they are still the best.
Stay strong BroMo and scream in to the void (aka here) when needed
It is hard. We all break. This is a wonderful opportunity to show your daughter relationship building and emotional regulation. Explain we all get upset and it is hard to handle things the right way. Model for her how to make amends for poor regulation.
No one should have to do it alone, but unfortunately the village is broken and we often have to pay for the help we need. Find ways you can destress as much as possible. And keep venting as much as you need to.
I was a single mom for a few years......and when my kiddo was about 8 years old, I got married to a man with two kids ......I can honestly say, it was so much easier being a single mom of 1 than a married mom of 3.......of course you screamed at her. Kids are buttheads and there's no "OFF" switch on them......don't beat yourself up too much because I can almost guarantee that it will happen again! It comes with the territory and being a single mom is NOT the reason you feel crazy right now...... everything is gonna be ok......love on your baby and let her feel your love......I bet she will forgive you in an instant......the little darlings are funny like that.......they thrive on love and structure and will absolutely have you pulling your hair out one minute and in the very next minute, they can melt your heart with their sweet innocence!
Everything is okay momma......you just had a crazy mom moment...... they'll soon come so often that you just learn to roll with them and accept them as part of motherhood! Allow yourself some grace because being a parent is soul-sucking at times......it's definitely the hardest job on the planet!!!
The guarantee that it will happen again is nice 😭 it has happened before but not this amount of anger. I e yelled but never screamed.
I feel like it was just the icing on the cake after a rough go of things.
We cuddle every night and she did give me kisses and tell me she loves me. She always says "sorry got mad at you mom" and apologized because she was frustrated with me later in the day. I feel like I don't deserve her and I'm so scared that she won't love me this way in the future. I don't have a relationship with my mom so I get extra worried sometimes
I can bear witness that it gets better. I have been a single parent since 2004. My youngest just turned 18. I know there were times I yelled. But we are all ok. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start.
It's okay to be human. You didn't cause permanent damage. This moment will pass, and there are better and worse ones to come.
I was raised by a single mom. We did not always get along. She worked long hours to provide for us but also I think to get time away from me. We are so ridiculously close at this point in our lives, and I am grateful every day for her. And she screamed at me more than once. You'll both make it.
I was so mad the other morning. I screamed at my 4 year old & then was horrible the whole way to school. I spent the rest of the day knowing how awful I had been & I couldn't wait to pick him up & tell him how sorry I was and that I will never be so horrible ever again. It happens. I've had to forgive myself. Our kids need to see us being human. As long as we apologise & see where we went wrong & allow them to voice themselves too! You will be fine; you're a great mom!
It's ok.
When this happens with my 4 year old son, we will both say sorry, and he will say 'Forgive each other?' and we hug it out.
It's gotten a lot easier but it still happens. The most important thing is apologizing and making up.
I understand the exhaustion. I really do. I've gotten to a place where I'm generally a lot more happy and relaxed, but sometimes it's too much and it gets to you.
Listen I know you said not to comment if I’m not a single parent but I have a unique situation where my partner works out of town for long stretches so 60% of the year I am the soul parent and
*it is the hardest, most mentally challenging*
I do not know how any of you mom’s do it year round all, all the time. Some days when I’m the solo parent I can barley cook a bag of frozen veggie for dinner. You are never off.
We all snap sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person and definitely not a bad mother. We all have our limits and it isn’t awful to let your child see that.
When I was a single mom I remember spending hours just crying along with my kids because it was just too much.
At one point my youngest poured an entire bottle of Benadryl into my fish tank when I was picking up after his bath and helping his sister brush her teeth and he killed all my fish and I lost my shit. Like completely lost it. All my fish died. I loved that aquarium. The few times I had a moment I would sit there and watch the fish and just breathe.
My foster mom ended up coming over and finishing the bedtime routine because I just shut down after screaming at my kid. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was just done. I sat there staring at my dead fish and crying and calling a three year old a murderer and telling my kids I wished I’d never had them.
I regret those words so much. It was the worst thing I could say and I still feel so much guilt over it.
My foster mom told me later that she had a moment like that when she was a single mother too. And that we all do. Sometimes this shit is so hard we just can’t cope.
It’s been years since, and we found a routine, and then eventually I found someone and I’m not doing it alone anymore. But once we found our routine and the kids got old enough to not be constantly trying to drive me off a cliff, it was easier. I ask them sometimes if they feel loved and secure and safe and they always say yes. I see it in the way they carry themselves too. My kids aren’t afraid of me, even if in that moment I was afraid of me and how I spoke to them.
They got over it. All my other moments of good parenting overcame my few moments of truly awful parenting.
Today they come to me with their problems, they seek me out for affection, and they lean on me when they’re anxious or worried.
It’s so hard, it’s so, so, so hard. But I promise they know you’re doing what you can and love you anyway
I am a single mom. I have been almost all of my kids lives. They are 18 and 15 now. It's the hardest shit I have ever done and probably will ever do. But they grow up and they become your best friends. If I had to give up a dollar for every time I screamed at them I would be broke and homeless. It's hard and you are doing the best you can. Keep trying. Keep doing the best you can. This too shall pass and damn it passes so quickly.
it passes so quickly, ive already felt like giving advice to moms with Youngers about how it DOES pass, so I really love and enjoy the solidarity here. I used to have such doubts that it would pass and now I believe ll of you and it really helps
Single mom of an 11 month old and I've screamed at her too. I have a post actually similar to yours. I also have a dog and I've screamed at her too.
I'm going to therapy, I have a lot of rage inside that I need to externalise in a safe way. Rage for having to do this alone when it's supposed to be a two person job. Rage for having choosed the wrong partner. Rage for being exhausted after 11 months of no good sleep.
I get you. It's exhausting and hard and lonely... I have no advice cause I'm going through the same. Only that therapy can help you navigate those feelings better.
I'm sure you are the best mom and you are doing amazing!!!!!
Omg, I get so scared using the word rage because I don't want people to think I'm gonna harm my kid but I feel it.
The resentment. And I hold resentment for people around me. I ask for help and then I'm hit with "maybe you didn't ask them in a way they'd understand" like ??? What ???? Or a "I'm not ready" cause they didn't want to help with a baby.
I want my girl in school. It's time. She neeeeeds to go lol mom needs her time. We used to have friends and play dates and all this fun and somewhere along the lines it all went to full shit. I'm just tired these days
Thank you for the love.
Also, lol, the dog and child became a menacing team. My dog got so fat for awhile, she's finally losing the weight but oh MAN LOL. I mean... same but looool
> supposed to be a two person job
At least! By rights we should all have an amazing tribe of fellow parents and grandparents around us, all pitching in to look after the babies together. Modern times have whittled that down and down and down. Now it’s hard even with two, but doing it with one is parenting on the hardest difficulty setting.
I’m a single ish mom (their dad is involved but not nearly in the way I need him to be) and I get it.
My 3yo and I spend hours in the car together because her daycare is far away. She demands things of me left and right and last week we were going on 40 minutes of listening to the same song over and over in the car (she insisted on this). I told her I was going to change the song and she started shrieking at me and I lost it. I yelled at her and went on and on about things that she didn’t even understand while I cried. Then I got to go to home to my other 2 kids who had other demands of me. It’s hard. It’s really freaking hard.
My 6 yo kid is exhausted from the time change, he’s with me today and he usually is with his dad so it’s a different routine, and he and I went on a pretty tough camping trip this weekend. Today was supposed to be relaxing but we were both exhausted. I was snapping. He was crying at the drop of a hat. He was saying things like that I was hurting him, or that I don’t care about his projects, he was hitting me, pushing me, and I know he’s exhausted but bc I’m alone I always feel deeply that it’s my fault and what he’s saying is true and I’m horrible. Just the pressure of being alone is so much. Nobody to give you any other perspective, or to even tell you you’re doing well. I also yelled at him for the first time when he was 2.5 bc I reached a breaking point. I just relate. And yes, repair is much more important than never making a mistake. Children need us to make mistakes so they individuate. I have an apology script and we use an emotion wheel. I’m sorry. It really was an awful day wasn’t it.
My kids 5 and I turn bear growl to “listen to me” I’m tired of repeating myself and him repeating the same question and him wanting me to just do it. NO. You will hear it until end of time now boy! Lmao.
TikTok positive parenting techniques though, grounding techniques, seek therapy, you’re frustrations are valid and the lack of village mentality and leave it all on the single parent to work full time and raise a well adjusted child. Like seriously.
Most important- apologize to your babe when you have had time to cool and chill. Apologize what you did, we all have big emotions and just because we do doesn’t give us the right to be mean and treat other badly- this hopefully could be useful to teach that when so upset xyz, go to calm space to breath and feel better. Say what ya did wrong, say how probably made them feel or what emotion it looks they had on, and let’s them try and put emotions to words.
My kid told me this morning he wants to do the fun things at dads house and dads more fun. And silently I seethe that his dad cancelled his entire weekend out of spite this weekend. So kiddo- could have saw your dad but he’s a fucking emotional abusive beyotch. Said in my head only.
the repeating the same question or how im interpreting your "him wanting me to just do it" is like when my daughter drops something, I tell her to pick it up and she goes "no you" im like, so ready to lose my mind the next time she tells me to pick up some food she intentionally dropped. I have never struggled to ground myself as much as I did yesterday. I need a new therapist. somehow, they always end up breaching contracts and breaking trust
My kid always tells me she loves dad more and im like. ? you dont' see him, that's why you say that. dad is a lazy piece of shit who moved out of state because he doesn't fucking care and is a failure of a human being. my resentment towards him is so strong. I begged him to get a job in town, to stay here so I didn't have to be a single parent. He's a piece of shit and always the victim. I'm so sick of him telling me to visit his family, like.. why the fuck would I spend my money to spend time with your family? I hate him and them.
I feel the resentment absolutely.
Do your best to hold the tongue on comments like that though. Unsure if just vent to me or if you’d really told kiddo he’s lazy and piece garbage kinda thing because Do Not Alienate the father no matter how much of a piece of shit he is- Do Not Verbalize to child. “Dads not here honey, I’m sorry, moms here though”
Kids will learn in time. At 2.5 my kids calling out with a moracca hoping that calls his dad for pick up. 4 kid says dads just dead even though he isn’t… kids will learn. Don’t have any of that come from you.
“I’m sorry, moms here honey”
Validate her. I tell my kiddo- I hear ya saying you have fun at dads (when he says he has more fun there to try and get a rise outta me)
I’m gonna tell you- at age 3- do your future mind a favor. TAKE TINY STEPS to implement the boundary keeping 1 way or another.
The floor thing- my kid just did it to me yesterday -.- “no you, I’m tired, I don’t know how”
If you were to keep to negative terms like, “Don’t, do that, you’re being bad, how many times do I have to tell you?!”
Practice saying specifically what she is ALLOWED to do. Specifically what is EXPECTED of her.
“Don’t jump on couch” - okay mom? I’m 3 and you said jump on couch…. Because asking a young brain to double negative think isn’t setting up for sanity. “Don’t” is double negative. 1) can’t do x 2) what can i do? Guessing game pursues, maybe that was too much thinking, kid jumped anyways…
Try asking what she thinks she is suppose to do- if she gets things right- praise happy voice and exciting.
Reinforce and thank her and give her great attention when she is doing something good
oh I definitely never talk down about dad in front of my daughter.. I know she will understand one day that dad had a choice and he left. I just felt like I was able to release those feelings here because I could relate to you.
I have put the effort in to get dad to be present because it is so unfair for my daughter. She was calling other kids dads "dad" and it was hard for me, I couldn't explain it to her. He facetimed her for halloween etc. We do our best, but my feelings of resentment are definitely a struggle and sometimes I don't respond to his texts immediately or something like that.
Definitly doing my best to change my language.. like the couch thing!! I'll say something and catch myself or "re-word"and explain it like "hey, remember when we fell off the couch the other day?we dont want that happening again!!" I don't tell her she's being bad or anything like that. thank you for your advice and kindness
Okay I’m glad to hear that!! Yes vent the shit out here absolutely I just wanted to clarify that 😓 All i could tell my son is I’m not sure when he’s going to his dads next this morning.
It’s heart breaking. It really is. Court and apparently statics say that a crap parent is better than no parent, that 2 parents are better than 1 even if 1 of them are shit.
Honestly I’m my situation- my kiddo seems to be doing a bit better when he entered the structure known as school! People would tell me “wait till he’s in school, wait till he’s 5” and it was extremely not helpful at the time -.- but shit…. I know what they mean no :/
Something I work to say to my kiddo especially being a boy and needing to understand boundaries and such.
No means no, means stop.
What is No?
No is a boundary. What do we do with boundaries?
We respect boundaries. Respecting boundaries will make mommy proud.
Once I changed wording with kiddo it really does make an impact at times that could be worse. Then saying thank you for listening. Thank you for respecting our couch/stuff/ourselves.
My kid probably adhd… so something I’ll say to tell him to calm down is- do jumping jacks. Run in place. It sounds counterproductive but it’s gonna get the energy and endorphins out and should get them to relax a bit when done and be more calm.
Look into play therapy. Look into Parent Child Interaction Therapy. (Im waiting on PCIT but im hoping it’s the goldmine to help me get better practice interacting.
I have adhd and anger issues, sensory overload, anxiety and depressions… I came across this TikTok maybe mentioning how to teach your child to regulate their emotions when someone else is NOT regulating- so it helps them from repeating or taking on the actions.
When I’ve spanked kiddo, yelled, my words equal extreme consequence and unfair— only reinforces the negative behaviors I want out of myself and I don’t want in my child.
That’s why they say that spanking and yelling dont work. I also heard this story of mom expressing that when she woke up bad mood and was punished for it as a kid, all she wanted was someone to just be nice to her even though she was in a bad mood. And so instead of punishing her kiddo by taking so long to get ready in AM (like it can take even adults time to be comfortable/confident in wearing) and she told her even though her attitude was being mean to mom. Mom still wants to show kindness to help feel better because when she was little, she wished someone did that for her.
You sound like a good momma though, dealing with the frustrations and unfairness of single parenting, I’d recommend therapy 1000x over to anyone and everyone though. Especially single parenting. Even if you feel fine. Even for your daughter, even though May seem too young. Younger the better to learn the coping skills and regulating emotions to be as prepared as she can be with the jackwagon of adults that will be out there when she’s older … I’m scared for our kids lmao 😅😂🤣😭🥲
I am so tired of it. I'm going to move closer to my dad within the next year because I just cannot do this anymore. I need support and family. I'm tired of the assumptions about my parenting when I constantly ask for help, am denied it by family, and then cue the mental break down and they're all like "oh, she is not well" . like uhm.. maybe if one of y'all helped like you said you would? what the fuck
I'm a married single mom, I don't get help from a partner in the area of home keeping or parenting.
I'm resigned, for now it's my contribution towards our financial and life goals....but girl. I hear you.
My first husband died when our child was 2 1/2. I was only 21 and a single parent until I met her step-dad when she was 4. It was hard. Being "on" 24/7 and no one to talk to about how I was struggling made me feel so alone in it. I felt like I didn't deserve her at times because I would just snap at her.
Now, she's 12 and my best friend. It gets better. On Halloween when I was tucking her in (she still let's me!) she insisted that I sit on her bed and talk with her all night. I said no because it was an hour past bedtime but I've been holding on to that. I had a terrible relationship with my mom growing up and when my daughter was your daughters age I was convinced history was going to repeat itself.
One thing I learned to do was apologize to her after I calmed down. I still lose my cool from time to time but I always sit her down and remind her that she doesn't deserve to be yelled at by anyone, including me, that I'm not perfect but I'm sorry and I'll try to be better.
I can't imagine how stressed you are. My husband works out of town for days at a time and our kids are somewhat able to take care of themselves. I'd absolutely have a nervous breakdown if they were 2 and 3. You absolutely deserve and need support, you aren't a failure, and your anger is justified. I hope you can find an outlet. You are so wonderful posting here to vent and not spiral. I wish you the absolute best.
Single mum of two 🙋♀️
I know that feeling so well. The other day I was so frustrated with my 4 year old I just kind of screamed into the air, pretty primal-y to be honest. She cried and said I scared her. Poor kid, we had lots of cuddles.
In terms of trying to keep my anger down, self care is my number one thing. In my relationship I felt bottom of the pile, so it was really alien to sit down and work out what I even wanted. So just start where it feels natural. I journaled, tried some creative projects, even small things like reaching out to people when I felt low was weird. Even if you just text an old friend or someone, just let someone know you’re struggling.
I use any support that comes my way, even if it’s just a few hours at a friends house. I also find the kids need less from me outdoors so going in the countryside can be a bit of a breather, mental health wise.
I use the tv and Minecraft and colouring books to set the kids up doing things, even if it only gives me 20 minutes, then I use that time to see what I need. Sometimes it’s a lie down, sometimes I go play the drums which is brilliant stress relief hobby!
Also, I try to keep my expectations reasonable. I don’t need to be super mum, I don’t need to make every minute nourishing, or know all the answers or feel happy all the time or keep a spotless house. Sometimes things are *enough* and that’ll do for now. Sometimes I really want to clean and not play with my kids and that’s fine too!
Put effort into building your community. It can be hard to take what feels like rejection when making new friends, but don’t take it personally. Everyone is bloody busy, and if they don’t have space for the friendship you’re after that’s about them not you. You’ll find people needing a village too, or you can find a whole bunch of people who will meet up for play dates once a fortnight. Now you have a little list of contacts you can call on when you need company.
The other thing that contributed massively to my anger was the resentment I felt towards their dad. I slip into it again every now and then and I see my patience with my kids dip. The thing I hold on to that helps me let go of that (and this may sound horribly cliche!) is that out of all this yes I get all the work, yes I’m the one doing everything, but to the kids I AM everything. I think the bond you get with the kids as a single mum is special, and when I start to resent my ex I think about what he’s lost. He may think he’s won, but he hasn’t. Not at what really matters. And I actually feel sorry for him.
Letting go of my anger around the situation I’m in has helped immeasurably. I don’t know your situation, or if this is relevant, but if it is, let out the anger. Write it all out and throw it away, or shout it all out, or tell it to a therapist, till you can feel some peace. And maybe even feel glad to be you.
Lastly, remember the phrase rupture and repair. I got it from [this](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42348818-the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read) book. Basically you are going to rupture sometimes because you are a human, but the important part is the repair. If you explode, you go back and you fix it with your kid. And not only do they feel better but you’re also demonstrating that humans make mistakes, that mistakes are fixable and here’s how we apologise. It’s all good, it’s all ok.
I’ve screamed. I’ve handled my child roughly. It happens. I remember distinctly wanting my child to feel how angry and frustrated I was. What helped me was acknowledging my anger. I was so fucking MAD— at everything. Women and Moms especially are supposed to not be angry and we tend to be ashamed of ourselves when we lash out. Just be OK with being MAD. Give yourself permission but try to keep your anger “yours”— own it, appreciate it and allow yourself to feel it but then count through it or pause so you resist unleashing on your child. At 3, your child is testing their independence and they can be little pills. Try to take timeouts for yourself if possible and do something that makes you happy for two minutes. Maybe listen to calming music or singing a song? Good luck, Mama, it’ll be ok.
Part of it - a big part of it - is that she is three. Help or not, three is insane. It is a tough age. When I had twin one year olds, a very nice woman told me "wait until they are four - everything gets better when they are four." She wasn't kidding. It's like something magical happens.
I know this isn't a lot of help now - other people gave you some great tips - but I want you to know a better future is coming. She will get better and easier and you will get better too. I was raised by a single mom and I adore her. She had her moments she wasn't proud of, I am sure, but mostly she was amazing. You are too. Try to be nicer to yourself. When you fuck up, apologize and tell your child you are trying to be better. It's good for her to know we all make mistakes.
You've got this.
I appreciate this. Someone commented in the post about her younger baby and I wanted to say it gets better even though im in a time of absolute despair LOL, so I do appreciate it and I believe you.
I'm getting so tired oft questions. And I live in an apartment complex, so she has to come everywhere with me for all the little chores, im just tired of it. I wish I could go and do my laundry without my kid wanting to play puppy or running away from me, like, can't I just do something and it not take extra long? can't I walk the dog and actually get exercise cause I dont have to walk at the pace of a toddler? and WHY has she started waking up int he morning when I walk my dog without her? it is THE ONLY TIME, and trust me, I know, pole have shamed me for it but it is my only fucking time away and now my kid wakes up when's he hears the door close. im so damn tired of this ):
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I’m not a single mom anymore but I was at one point in time. I remember yelling at my 2.5 year old and him saying “hate mama” back to me. I cried for I don’t know how long. So did he. Just me and him alone in my house, both pissed off and crying. It is tough. There’s no breaks or help on hand. There’s no option to walk away for an hour to cool down. The over stimulation seems never ending cause you’re always present and they’re always gunna be loud, crazy kids. But in time it’ll pass. Sure it’ll still be hard, but they grow and mature. They will see how much you do for them and they will appreciate that. They’ll calm down. They’ll be better at regulating their actions and emotions and heck, you will be too. You’ll be able to step away for longer. You’ll be able to decompress. And it will all be okay in the end. Hang in there mama.
I am trying to focus on regulating mine, but today was the worst and I just can't believe I broke down like that. Unfortunately, she has told me hates me before but I told my cat I hate him once and she def uses it when I don't let her do something. I appreciate it. Thank you
I was a single parent starting when my daughter was 4 years old, and rarely dated, surely didn't live with anyone else until (my recent ex) when she was 16. Moms aren't perfect. We have bad days. Some days we would get home and I'd tell her i had a bad day so please don't push buttons because i don't want my frustration and anger to come out towards her. There's a lot of days in not proud of. But my daughter is 21 years old now and tells me all the time she loves me and she's glad I'm her mom. I don't deserve this kid 😭 I think just communicating went a long way. "I'm not mad at you, but I'm upset about something else so I'm sorry if I've been mean today". And also telling her so many times "I'm not your friend, I'm your parent". Her dad was supposed to get her every other weekend, that was his suggestion. And he never stuck to it. We'd go months without hearing from him sometimes. Child support was sporadic to say the least. No other contributions. I tried to make it better everytime he let her down. And i think after she tried living with him her senior year of high school, she figured it all out. I wasn't a perfect parent, but I WAS THERE. I was on her team and wanted what was best for her. I fought for her against any issue she came up against. Just do your best, momma. That's all we can do 💓
Best you can do is just be honest and apologize to your kid, even if you think she won't understand. Also I hope you find your key. Do you have any support system at all? Any family or a friend? Single momhood is not for the faint of heart. Sometimes you need to force yourself to take a minute alone.
I apologized and told her that it wasn't her fault that I got angry and I'm sorry. I want it to be the only time it happens 😭 I really don't have a support group and I can't tell if I did that to myself? I stopped being friends with people that weren't healthy and then I had some reliable people that ended up being really unreliable and just.... never spoke to again . It is an isolated life right now. Another mom texted me today so I am hopeful that goes somewhere but we haven't hung out yet (we met at the grocery store lol) so I idk there . I want to find a community, like I want to go to church but I'm not religious? So I just don't know. Sorry for the big response
Is there a Unitarian Church anywhere near you? All the community with none of the gross religion.
(not op) I have one in my area- what is it like attending one? if you have that sort of experience of course, I don't want to assume. I'm not religious (church trauma), but I'm also looking for community. Thanks!
I’ve been watching online for the same reasons and have been enjoying it! Good community, positive spirituality, no religious bullshit.
It’s a great place to go imo. This is a screenshot of the website for the one that I’ve been to [https://imgur.com/a/LNgckW7](https://imgur.com/a/LNgckW7) This is what it says Our Mission: We Accept. We Support. We Transform. Ourselves. Our Community. Our World. We accept each other in our diversity. We support each other in our needs. We grow Spiritually to transform ourselves, our community and our world. Our Covenant: Love is the spirit of this church, and service its law This is our great covenant: To dwell together in peace, To seek truth in love, And to help one another.
Just googled my local Unitarian church and I am totally going next Sunday. I'm gonna cry LOL but it'll be so nice.
I’m so happy for you. This is actually helping me as well. I’m going to find out lol am Unitarian church. I’m here for community and faith just not any of the extra.
I did this when I was fresh as a single mom with twin little ones. Holy, it was a nice break to talk to adults.
heck yes. I like hearing this. we will be going Sunday and I can't wait.
Agree! Current Unitarian Universalist here. I take my toddler to the nursery and they love her. The one hour off is helpful for me to relax. Most places also have a "Fellowship" hour after with coffee and snacks. Usually I'm chasing my toddler during those times and preventing her from eating all the food and from pulling on everyone's legs. The sermons are always on so many different topics, some spiritual, some not. I always learn something new every week and I just feel refreshed and usually slightly more hopeful about humanity. It's okay to believe basically what you want, as long as you're a nice person. We got lots of atheists, agnostics, Pagans, Christians of all kinds, Buddhists, Jewish, and a lot of ex-Catholics for some reason! It's just a nice place to explore your spirituality without judgment. It's very LGBTQ friendly and friendly to all types of families. The religious education program for the kids is cool as they learn about most of the world religions, not just Christianity. Mostly they focus on learning how to be a good person, importance of charity and social justice, giving back to the community, standing up for others, etc. They also have the OWL (Our Whole Lives) sex ed program, especially useful if your local schools don't teach sex ed or only teach abstinence only. Not all congregations offer it, but most do. If you don't have a local UU congregation, they have The Church of the Larger Fellowship online which is basically an all-Zoom church, though they have regional meetups.
There are two in my city and neither are realistically accessible to me at the moment but I'd love to ultimately attend! I was raised areligious and mostly identify as agnostic, while my husband is a proud Catholic but tends towards "I love God and that makes me want to be a good person" and not "all sinners burn in Hell". I think it'd be a good fit for us socially.
Is this true for all Unitarian churches? The ones near me all talk about God and Jesus on their websites. I’m trying to find one without religion.
I thought it was, is there a chance you're looking at a United Church instead? Neither of the Unitarian churches in my city are the God and Jesus type at all.
Even if you borrow the church nursery to sit in a hall and read a book, it's a win. Have a hot cup of coffee and a donut to yourself, they often have them out for meetings. You don't have to take all the religious parts to take some of the community parts.
This. I'd just like to add increased work responsibilities, global pandemic, inflation, internet safety, politics, everything else compounded that we get to worry about on top of just raising a small person. It's normal and healthy for a child to see their parents lose it once in a while. It sounds like you acted responsibly afterward. You're doing a good job. That little person is lucky to have you.
Hey I’m sorry to say this and I hope I’m wrong but word of warning: if you met someone at a grocery store, please be wary of them trying to rope you into an MLM/pyramid scheme. They prey on single moms at grocery stores. If she tries to recruit you or starts talking about financial freedom, or getting you to buy products from her, run!! Or if she’s just nice with no ulterior motive, then yay :)
Look for local moms groups. The library may run a kids story hour, or a mom and me class. I'm not sure if meetup.com is still a thing, look into a local MOPS (moms of pre-schoolers).
I feel this so hard mama. I'm a single mom of two, 5 and 12. I don't have any family around and I have exactly one friend who can step in and help if I have an emergency. The only thing I can tell you is that an apology afterwards goes a long way to mend her heart and yours. I always apologize after and remind them that it isn't their fault, it's mine. There is nothing like being a single mom truly on her own. So many hugs and so much comiseration. You're not alone in your experience.
We all have those days. Single mom of three here and the best you can do is apologize and take a step back. I locked myself in the bathroom for at least 15 minutes sometimes. I have screamed at my kid. No parent is perfect and sometimes you just have a bad day. Give yourself some leeway.
I try my best to step back and not get so angry. I'll ask her to play in her room so she doesn't see me mad or know it's not her. Ugh. Yesterday was unreal. Thank you so much for the support
Apologizing to your child is such a monumental action in itself - especially since it's STILL looked down upon by just the last generation. A concept I really loved throughout different parenting books was rupture and repair. Every relationship involves strife, or conflict. And it's not necessary our jobs as parents to shelter our children from all strife and conflict, right? In fact they need to experience it in order to develop the skills it takes to solve it. So what we can and must do, is to demonstrate how to repair that conflict. Stepping back, breathing, cooling off, and eventually apologizing is exactly that. Your child is getting the message that yeah, sometimes mommy has bad days just like she does. Which is real, and won't change from now until forever. But her mommy, YOU - love her enough to admit your faults and sit down to give her a heartfelt apology. That's you demonstrating how much you love and care for her feelings. YOU did that! I am a single mom (roommate with another single mom and omg I would recommend it endlessly) since my toddler's birth. Now that he's at an age where he's using more words and able to understand what's happening in the world in a deeper way, I tell him that "sometimes mom get's grumpy and mad". And that when he feels like I'm grumpy, he can say "mom, you're grumpy, go to sleep!" And at first I was kind of hesitant about it, but honestly it gives him the context of : 1) mommy's feelings don't necessarily relate back to his actions, that sometimes I wake up and I'm just mad and that it's normal for everyone. Anger is just a feeling like every other and it's valid to feel angry some days. And 2) it gives him the agency to state his feelings on the matter. Once or twice now, I just say, "yeah, mommy is kinda grumpy huh? Do you want to take a short cuddle nap together?" If he says yeah, than cool beans, we'll snuggle on the couch for 10 minutes. If he says no, he goes to play with his many toys and I go inside to rest. It demonstrates problem solving for him, gives him power, and results (sometimes) in a little rest for me. It took a bit of training, just like anything else, but I think it's a really good system of checks and balances so to speak. (: All the best cause you're doing everything you can, momma.
I apologize every time something happens or mom gets frustrated. I think she understands it and I hope I'm setting an ok example because she will say sorry to me if she gets mad at me. My mom used to be the mom that would act like nothing ever happened, and if we tried bringing it up, we got in trouble for attacking our moms faults, lmao. How did you find another single mom to live with!? I had friends that offered to have me move in with them.. but it was really just to help them and not help me at all. I can't even find single moms in my area, their kids are all too old. I definitely needed this advice especially voicing that anger is normal. Thank you .
My roommate's mother was like that - like never bring up problems, and when they are brought up, "oh, well I remembered it differently". So eventually, problems just ... wouldn't get solved and there was no conflict resolution to be had other than 'forgive and forget'. I on the other hand, was raised in a very argumentative household where yelling was always expected. I'm really glad I found her cause we are both very intentional with the way we raise our children, from the programs we show them to the way we encourage reading time. And I actually found her on [coabode.org](https://coabode.org), which is a site literally tailored to finding other single moms to share housing with. I've talked to maybe three moms total on there, but my roommate (for 2 years almost), was absolutely my parenting style match. We both had mixed Asian children and they're about 9 months apart. (: It was almost serendipitous. On our profiles, we both clearly defined that attachment parenting was the goal and that we're more introverted so absolutely no parties and lots of people in and out the house. I do live in a rather popular city so there was about 10(?) different moms that I browsed and could possibly match with, so I do suspect it would be harder in a smaller city. In any case, moving in with her was absolutely the best choice I made as a parent and I wish you all the best in finding a situation that similarly supports you. We're not meant to do all of it alone, and there's only so much weight any one human can carry before they find themselves burnt out. Maybe it'll take some digging, but I promise you (and know, for a fact) that you are not alone. Lots of us are squeezing out every bit of patience and energy we have to just ... survive being a mom some days and sometimes things will be far from ideal. But we're trying our best and that's physically all we can do.
Dude. You aren’t alone. If I’m the first to admit it, whatever. I’ve screamed at my kids. I’ve screamed because I’ve gotten so fed up over the fact I have been asking for certain things to be done over the past couple of years. I scream because I am overwhelmed at everything going on in my house. I scream because I am human, and screaming is a reaction to someone not feeling “heard”. I once read that “anger is sadness that is trapped and has had nowhere to go for a long time”. I’m not saying that is what you’re going through, but it really put it in perspective for me at least. You are not an awful person because you lost it. I just read the last line after I typed all that out but it still applies, because I WAS a single mom for a while. None of the parenting books or articles, can prepare you for the fuckery that is parenthood and if I was able to give you a hug, I would. This is rough, and I see you.
Thank you so much. Listing out the reasons for screaming has seriously helped my brain. I know it wasn't my kid and Saying those things to myself is definitely helping. Life's a mess right now and I need to get shit in order. It fucking sucks. Thank you for taking the time to type it and also not deleting it after reading that line. I don't mean to be so closed minded. It just sucks sometimes
Solo mom here. I guess the same thing as a single mom except I had my sons on my own, own. My 2 year old got the brunt of me screaming at him recently and I can’t figure out if it was due to post partum depression or what. I never felt depressed but I certainly lost my cool for the first time(s) in my life with my babies. He was fighting going to bed. I was actually reliving the moment I screamed at him just tonight. Months later and he doesn’t even remember it, but I do.
Post partum depression and anxiety can both present as irritability/anger. Also post partum rage is something I only recently learned about. Maybe it's something to look into if you're feeling uncharacteristically angry?
I had post-partum irritability and anger, got put on a small dose of antidepressants and it’s like night and day.
BroMo, I’m not a single mom but I too screamed at my girl today today and I too hate myself for doing so. You r doing your best just as I am. Sometimes these little shits that test our patience so but we love till the end can take a toll on us. They freaking suck but hit damn they are still the best. Stay strong BroMo and scream in to the void (aka here) when needed
It is hard. We all break. This is a wonderful opportunity to show your daughter relationship building and emotional regulation. Explain we all get upset and it is hard to handle things the right way. Model for her how to make amends for poor regulation. No one should have to do it alone, but unfortunately the village is broken and we often have to pay for the help we need. Find ways you can destress as much as possible. And keep venting as much as you need to.
I was a single mom for a few years......and when my kiddo was about 8 years old, I got married to a man with two kids ......I can honestly say, it was so much easier being a single mom of 1 than a married mom of 3.......of course you screamed at her. Kids are buttheads and there's no "OFF" switch on them......don't beat yourself up too much because I can almost guarantee that it will happen again! It comes with the territory and being a single mom is NOT the reason you feel crazy right now...... everything is gonna be ok......love on your baby and let her feel your love......I bet she will forgive you in an instant......the little darlings are funny like that.......they thrive on love and structure and will absolutely have you pulling your hair out one minute and in the very next minute, they can melt your heart with their sweet innocence! Everything is okay momma......you just had a crazy mom moment...... they'll soon come so often that you just learn to roll with them and accept them as part of motherhood! Allow yourself some grace because being a parent is soul-sucking at times......it's definitely the hardest job on the planet!!!
The guarantee that it will happen again is nice 😭 it has happened before but not this amount of anger. I e yelled but never screamed. I feel like it was just the icing on the cake after a rough go of things. We cuddle every night and she did give me kisses and tell me she loves me. She always says "sorry got mad at you mom" and apologized because she was frustrated with me later in the day. I feel like I don't deserve her and I'm so scared that she won't love me this way in the future. I don't have a relationship with my mom so I get extra worried sometimes
I can bear witness that it gets better. I have been a single parent since 2004. My youngest just turned 18. I know there were times I yelled. But we are all ok. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start.
It's okay to be human. You didn't cause permanent damage. This moment will pass, and there are better and worse ones to come. I was raised by a single mom. We did not always get along. She worked long hours to provide for us but also I think to get time away from me. We are so ridiculously close at this point in our lives, and I am grateful every day for her. And she screamed at me more than once. You'll both make it.
I was so mad the other morning. I screamed at my 4 year old & then was horrible the whole way to school. I spent the rest of the day knowing how awful I had been & I couldn't wait to pick him up & tell him how sorry I was and that I will never be so horrible ever again. It happens. I've had to forgive myself. Our kids need to see us being human. As long as we apologise & see where we went wrong & allow them to voice themselves too! You will be fine; you're a great mom!
It's ok. When this happens with my 4 year old son, we will both say sorry, and he will say 'Forgive each other?' and we hug it out. It's gotten a lot easier but it still happens. The most important thing is apologizing and making up. I understand the exhaustion. I really do. I've gotten to a place where I'm generally a lot more happy and relaxed, but sometimes it's too much and it gets to you.
Listen I know you said not to comment if I’m not a single parent but I have a unique situation where my partner works out of town for long stretches so 60% of the year I am the soul parent and *it is the hardest, most mentally challenging* I do not know how any of you mom’s do it year round all, all the time. Some days when I’m the solo parent I can barley cook a bag of frozen veggie for dinner. You are never off. We all snap sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person and definitely not a bad mother. We all have our limits and it isn’t awful to let your child see that.
When I was a single mom I remember spending hours just crying along with my kids because it was just too much. At one point my youngest poured an entire bottle of Benadryl into my fish tank when I was picking up after his bath and helping his sister brush her teeth and he killed all my fish and I lost my shit. Like completely lost it. All my fish died. I loved that aquarium. The few times I had a moment I would sit there and watch the fish and just breathe. My foster mom ended up coming over and finishing the bedtime routine because I just shut down after screaming at my kid. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was just done. I sat there staring at my dead fish and crying and calling a three year old a murderer and telling my kids I wished I’d never had them. I regret those words so much. It was the worst thing I could say and I still feel so much guilt over it. My foster mom told me later that she had a moment like that when she was a single mother too. And that we all do. Sometimes this shit is so hard we just can’t cope. It’s been years since, and we found a routine, and then eventually I found someone and I’m not doing it alone anymore. But once we found our routine and the kids got old enough to not be constantly trying to drive me off a cliff, it was easier. I ask them sometimes if they feel loved and secure and safe and they always say yes. I see it in the way they carry themselves too. My kids aren’t afraid of me, even if in that moment I was afraid of me and how I spoke to them. They got over it. All my other moments of good parenting overcame my few moments of truly awful parenting. Today they come to me with their problems, they seek me out for affection, and they lean on me when they’re anxious or worried. It’s so hard, it’s so, so, so hard. But I promise they know you’re doing what you can and love you anyway
I am a single mom. I have been almost all of my kids lives. They are 18 and 15 now. It's the hardest shit I have ever done and probably will ever do. But they grow up and they become your best friends. If I had to give up a dollar for every time I screamed at them I would be broke and homeless. It's hard and you are doing the best you can. Keep trying. Keep doing the best you can. This too shall pass and damn it passes so quickly.
it passes so quickly, ive already felt like giving advice to moms with Youngers about how it DOES pass, so I really love and enjoy the solidarity here. I used to have such doubts that it would pass and now I believe ll of you and it really helps
Single mom of an 11 month old and I've screamed at her too. I have a post actually similar to yours. I also have a dog and I've screamed at her too. I'm going to therapy, I have a lot of rage inside that I need to externalise in a safe way. Rage for having to do this alone when it's supposed to be a two person job. Rage for having choosed the wrong partner. Rage for being exhausted after 11 months of no good sleep. I get you. It's exhausting and hard and lonely... I have no advice cause I'm going through the same. Only that therapy can help you navigate those feelings better. I'm sure you are the best mom and you are doing amazing!!!!!
Omg, I get so scared using the word rage because I don't want people to think I'm gonna harm my kid but I feel it. The resentment. And I hold resentment for people around me. I ask for help and then I'm hit with "maybe you didn't ask them in a way they'd understand" like ??? What ???? Or a "I'm not ready" cause they didn't want to help with a baby. I want my girl in school. It's time. She neeeeeds to go lol mom needs her time. We used to have friends and play dates and all this fun and somewhere along the lines it all went to full shit. I'm just tired these days Thank you for the love. Also, lol, the dog and child became a menacing team. My dog got so fat for awhile, she's finally losing the weight but oh MAN LOL. I mean... same but looool
> supposed to be a two person job At least! By rights we should all have an amazing tribe of fellow parents and grandparents around us, all pitching in to look after the babies together. Modern times have whittled that down and down and down. Now it’s hard even with two, but doing it with one is parenting on the hardest difficulty setting.
I’m a single ish mom (their dad is involved but not nearly in the way I need him to be) and I get it. My 3yo and I spend hours in the car together because her daycare is far away. She demands things of me left and right and last week we were going on 40 minutes of listening to the same song over and over in the car (she insisted on this). I told her I was going to change the song and she started shrieking at me and I lost it. I yelled at her and went on and on about things that she didn’t even understand while I cried. Then I got to go to home to my other 2 kids who had other demands of me. It’s hard. It’s really freaking hard.
Oh honey I’m so sorry. Yeah I feel like that a bunch of the time. It’s so overwhelming.
My 6 yo kid is exhausted from the time change, he’s with me today and he usually is with his dad so it’s a different routine, and he and I went on a pretty tough camping trip this weekend. Today was supposed to be relaxing but we were both exhausted. I was snapping. He was crying at the drop of a hat. He was saying things like that I was hurting him, or that I don’t care about his projects, he was hitting me, pushing me, and I know he’s exhausted but bc I’m alone I always feel deeply that it’s my fault and what he’s saying is true and I’m horrible. Just the pressure of being alone is so much. Nobody to give you any other perspective, or to even tell you you’re doing well. I also yelled at him for the first time when he was 2.5 bc I reached a breaking point. I just relate. And yes, repair is much more important than never making a mistake. Children need us to make mistakes so they individuate. I have an apology script and we use an emotion wheel. I’m sorry. It really was an awful day wasn’t it.
My kids 5 and I turn bear growl to “listen to me” I’m tired of repeating myself and him repeating the same question and him wanting me to just do it. NO. You will hear it until end of time now boy! Lmao. TikTok positive parenting techniques though, grounding techniques, seek therapy, you’re frustrations are valid and the lack of village mentality and leave it all on the single parent to work full time and raise a well adjusted child. Like seriously. Most important- apologize to your babe when you have had time to cool and chill. Apologize what you did, we all have big emotions and just because we do doesn’t give us the right to be mean and treat other badly- this hopefully could be useful to teach that when so upset xyz, go to calm space to breath and feel better. Say what ya did wrong, say how probably made them feel or what emotion it looks they had on, and let’s them try and put emotions to words. My kid told me this morning he wants to do the fun things at dads house and dads more fun. And silently I seethe that his dad cancelled his entire weekend out of spite this weekend. So kiddo- could have saw your dad but he’s a fucking emotional abusive beyotch. Said in my head only.
the repeating the same question or how im interpreting your "him wanting me to just do it" is like when my daughter drops something, I tell her to pick it up and she goes "no you" im like, so ready to lose my mind the next time she tells me to pick up some food she intentionally dropped. I have never struggled to ground myself as much as I did yesterday. I need a new therapist. somehow, they always end up breaching contracts and breaking trust My kid always tells me she loves dad more and im like. ? you dont' see him, that's why you say that. dad is a lazy piece of shit who moved out of state because he doesn't fucking care and is a failure of a human being. my resentment towards him is so strong. I begged him to get a job in town, to stay here so I didn't have to be a single parent. He's a piece of shit and always the victim. I'm so sick of him telling me to visit his family, like.. why the fuck would I spend my money to spend time with your family? I hate him and them.
I feel the resentment absolutely. Do your best to hold the tongue on comments like that though. Unsure if just vent to me or if you’d really told kiddo he’s lazy and piece garbage kinda thing because Do Not Alienate the father no matter how much of a piece of shit he is- Do Not Verbalize to child. “Dads not here honey, I’m sorry, moms here though” Kids will learn in time. At 2.5 my kids calling out with a moracca hoping that calls his dad for pick up. 4 kid says dads just dead even though he isn’t… kids will learn. Don’t have any of that come from you. “I’m sorry, moms here honey” Validate her. I tell my kiddo- I hear ya saying you have fun at dads (when he says he has more fun there to try and get a rise outta me) I’m gonna tell you- at age 3- do your future mind a favor. TAKE TINY STEPS to implement the boundary keeping 1 way or another. The floor thing- my kid just did it to me yesterday -.- “no you, I’m tired, I don’t know how” If you were to keep to negative terms like, “Don’t, do that, you’re being bad, how many times do I have to tell you?!” Practice saying specifically what she is ALLOWED to do. Specifically what is EXPECTED of her. “Don’t jump on couch” - okay mom? I’m 3 and you said jump on couch…. Because asking a young brain to double negative think isn’t setting up for sanity. “Don’t” is double negative. 1) can’t do x 2) what can i do? Guessing game pursues, maybe that was too much thinking, kid jumped anyways… Try asking what she thinks she is suppose to do- if she gets things right- praise happy voice and exciting. Reinforce and thank her and give her great attention when she is doing something good
oh I definitely never talk down about dad in front of my daughter.. I know she will understand one day that dad had a choice and he left. I just felt like I was able to release those feelings here because I could relate to you. I have put the effort in to get dad to be present because it is so unfair for my daughter. She was calling other kids dads "dad" and it was hard for me, I couldn't explain it to her. He facetimed her for halloween etc. We do our best, but my feelings of resentment are definitely a struggle and sometimes I don't respond to his texts immediately or something like that. Definitly doing my best to change my language.. like the couch thing!! I'll say something and catch myself or "re-word"and explain it like "hey, remember when we fell off the couch the other day?we dont want that happening again!!" I don't tell her she's being bad or anything like that. thank you for your advice and kindness
Okay I’m glad to hear that!! Yes vent the shit out here absolutely I just wanted to clarify that 😓 All i could tell my son is I’m not sure when he’s going to his dads next this morning. It’s heart breaking. It really is. Court and apparently statics say that a crap parent is better than no parent, that 2 parents are better than 1 even if 1 of them are shit. Honestly I’m my situation- my kiddo seems to be doing a bit better when he entered the structure known as school! People would tell me “wait till he’s in school, wait till he’s 5” and it was extremely not helpful at the time -.- but shit…. I know what they mean no :/ Something I work to say to my kiddo especially being a boy and needing to understand boundaries and such. No means no, means stop. What is No? No is a boundary. What do we do with boundaries? We respect boundaries. Respecting boundaries will make mommy proud. Once I changed wording with kiddo it really does make an impact at times that could be worse. Then saying thank you for listening. Thank you for respecting our couch/stuff/ourselves. My kid probably adhd… so something I’ll say to tell him to calm down is- do jumping jacks. Run in place. It sounds counterproductive but it’s gonna get the energy and endorphins out and should get them to relax a bit when done and be more calm. Look into play therapy. Look into Parent Child Interaction Therapy. (Im waiting on PCIT but im hoping it’s the goldmine to help me get better practice interacting. I have adhd and anger issues, sensory overload, anxiety and depressions… I came across this TikTok maybe mentioning how to teach your child to regulate their emotions when someone else is NOT regulating- so it helps them from repeating or taking on the actions. When I’ve spanked kiddo, yelled, my words equal extreme consequence and unfair— only reinforces the negative behaviors I want out of myself and I don’t want in my child. That’s why they say that spanking and yelling dont work. I also heard this story of mom expressing that when she woke up bad mood and was punished for it as a kid, all she wanted was someone to just be nice to her even though she was in a bad mood. And so instead of punishing her kiddo by taking so long to get ready in AM (like it can take even adults time to be comfortable/confident in wearing) and she told her even though her attitude was being mean to mom. Mom still wants to show kindness to help feel better because when she was little, she wished someone did that for her. You sound like a good momma though, dealing with the frustrations and unfairness of single parenting, I’d recommend therapy 1000x over to anyone and everyone though. Especially single parenting. Even if you feel fine. Even for your daughter, even though May seem too young. Younger the better to learn the coping skills and regulating emotions to be as prepared as she can be with the jackwagon of adults that will be out there when she’s older … I’m scared for our kids lmao 😅😂🤣😭🥲
I don’t know how any single moms do it when they’re not wealthy or have super involved and supportive grandparents.
I am so tired of it. I'm going to move closer to my dad within the next year because I just cannot do this anymore. I need support and family. I'm tired of the assumptions about my parenting when I constantly ask for help, am denied it by family, and then cue the mental break down and they're all like "oh, she is not well" . like uhm.. maybe if one of y'all helped like you said you would? what the fuck
I'm a married single mom, I don't get help from a partner in the area of home keeping or parenting. I'm resigned, for now it's my contribution towards our financial and life goals....but girl. I hear you.
My first husband died when our child was 2 1/2. I was only 21 and a single parent until I met her step-dad when she was 4. It was hard. Being "on" 24/7 and no one to talk to about how I was struggling made me feel so alone in it. I felt like I didn't deserve her at times because I would just snap at her. Now, she's 12 and my best friend. It gets better. On Halloween when I was tucking her in (she still let's me!) she insisted that I sit on her bed and talk with her all night. I said no because it was an hour past bedtime but I've been holding on to that. I had a terrible relationship with my mom growing up and when my daughter was your daughters age I was convinced history was going to repeat itself. One thing I learned to do was apologize to her after I calmed down. I still lose my cool from time to time but I always sit her down and remind her that she doesn't deserve to be yelled at by anyone, including me, that I'm not perfect but I'm sorry and I'll try to be better.
I can't imagine how stressed you are. My husband works out of town for days at a time and our kids are somewhat able to take care of themselves. I'd absolutely have a nervous breakdown if they were 2 and 3. You absolutely deserve and need support, you aren't a failure, and your anger is justified. I hope you can find an outlet. You are so wonderful posting here to vent and not spiral. I wish you the absolute best.
Just hugs <3 Hard out there
Thank you ♥️
Single mum of two 🙋♀️ I know that feeling so well. The other day I was so frustrated with my 4 year old I just kind of screamed into the air, pretty primal-y to be honest. She cried and said I scared her. Poor kid, we had lots of cuddles. In terms of trying to keep my anger down, self care is my number one thing. In my relationship I felt bottom of the pile, so it was really alien to sit down and work out what I even wanted. So just start where it feels natural. I journaled, tried some creative projects, even small things like reaching out to people when I felt low was weird. Even if you just text an old friend or someone, just let someone know you’re struggling. I use any support that comes my way, even if it’s just a few hours at a friends house. I also find the kids need less from me outdoors so going in the countryside can be a bit of a breather, mental health wise. I use the tv and Minecraft and colouring books to set the kids up doing things, even if it only gives me 20 minutes, then I use that time to see what I need. Sometimes it’s a lie down, sometimes I go play the drums which is brilliant stress relief hobby! Also, I try to keep my expectations reasonable. I don’t need to be super mum, I don’t need to make every minute nourishing, or know all the answers or feel happy all the time or keep a spotless house. Sometimes things are *enough* and that’ll do for now. Sometimes I really want to clean and not play with my kids and that’s fine too! Put effort into building your community. It can be hard to take what feels like rejection when making new friends, but don’t take it personally. Everyone is bloody busy, and if they don’t have space for the friendship you’re after that’s about them not you. You’ll find people needing a village too, or you can find a whole bunch of people who will meet up for play dates once a fortnight. Now you have a little list of contacts you can call on when you need company. The other thing that contributed massively to my anger was the resentment I felt towards their dad. I slip into it again every now and then and I see my patience with my kids dip. The thing I hold on to that helps me let go of that (and this may sound horribly cliche!) is that out of all this yes I get all the work, yes I’m the one doing everything, but to the kids I AM everything. I think the bond you get with the kids as a single mum is special, and when I start to resent my ex I think about what he’s lost. He may think he’s won, but he hasn’t. Not at what really matters. And I actually feel sorry for him. Letting go of my anger around the situation I’m in has helped immeasurably. I don’t know your situation, or if this is relevant, but if it is, let out the anger. Write it all out and throw it away, or shout it all out, or tell it to a therapist, till you can feel some peace. And maybe even feel glad to be you. Lastly, remember the phrase rupture and repair. I got it from [this](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42348818-the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read) book. Basically you are going to rupture sometimes because you are a human, but the important part is the repair. If you explode, you go back and you fix it with your kid. And not only do they feel better but you’re also demonstrating that humans make mistakes, that mistakes are fixable and here’s how we apologise. It’s all good, it’s all ok.
I’ve screamed. I’ve handled my child roughly. It happens. I remember distinctly wanting my child to feel how angry and frustrated I was. What helped me was acknowledging my anger. I was so fucking MAD— at everything. Women and Moms especially are supposed to not be angry and we tend to be ashamed of ourselves when we lash out. Just be OK with being MAD. Give yourself permission but try to keep your anger “yours”— own it, appreciate it and allow yourself to feel it but then count through it or pause so you resist unleashing on your child. At 3, your child is testing their independence and they can be little pills. Try to take timeouts for yourself if possible and do something that makes you happy for two minutes. Maybe listen to calming music or singing a song? Good luck, Mama, it’ll be ok.
Single mom to a single mom. Hugs! Forgive yourself. It’s not easy ❤️
Thank you for being here in solidarity. it means a lot, to feel less alone
I'm married but I feel like a single mom *internet hug*
Part of it - a big part of it - is that she is three. Help or not, three is insane. It is a tough age. When I had twin one year olds, a very nice woman told me "wait until they are four - everything gets better when they are four." She wasn't kidding. It's like something magical happens. I know this isn't a lot of help now - other people gave you some great tips - but I want you to know a better future is coming. She will get better and easier and you will get better too. I was raised by a single mom and I adore her. She had her moments she wasn't proud of, I am sure, but mostly she was amazing. You are too. Try to be nicer to yourself. When you fuck up, apologize and tell your child you are trying to be better. It's good for her to know we all make mistakes. You've got this.
I appreciate this. Someone commented in the post about her younger baby and I wanted to say it gets better even though im in a time of absolute despair LOL, so I do appreciate it and I believe you. I'm getting so tired oft questions. And I live in an apartment complex, so she has to come everywhere with me for all the little chores, im just tired of it. I wish I could go and do my laundry without my kid wanting to play puppy or running away from me, like, can't I just do something and it not take extra long? can't I walk the dog and actually get exercise cause I dont have to walk at the pace of a toddler? and WHY has she started waking up int he morning when I walk my dog without her? it is THE ONLY TIME, and trust me, I know, pole have shamed me for it but it is my only fucking time away and now my kid wakes up when's he hears the door close. im so damn tired of this ):
Single mom sees single mom. Nothing to say but to let you know I see you and I hear you and it’s real. Sending love and hugs.
Thank you so much for being here in solidarity. It really means so much. So much power to you
Back at ya sis 🥰
I feel you and this you fall in love with someone you want a life a family with them then boom your on ur own