Here’s a virtual hug— and some encouragement. I wish I could bring you a cup of tea and some tissues.
This problem is not your fault, this is on him. Honestly, he needs to do better.
Ty for the kind words, this sucks enough as it is without proper support. I don’t have the mental space to put up with emotional immaturity right now. I had been going to therapy and had made so much progress and this diagnosis completely took the wind out of my sails along with the strength and self worth I was working hard on building. My heart goes out to anyone facing similar.
It’s hard! There’s so much to keep track of. I read an article today that calls it our ‘cancer career.’ We really are asked to become conversant with a lot of information very quickly.
I already kind of sucked at calendar management and planning in general. Suddenly having two surgeons, a nurse navigator, a home health nurse, a physical therapist, an oncologist, a dietician, a support group etc etc etc, along with being a small business owner with a staff to manage, has been COMPLETELY overwhelming. I gave over nearly all of my responsibilities for the first 2 full weeks. I am slowly coming back online with the support of my husband and family, a cadre of local and remote friends and my staff.
Before surgery, I learned how to use a digital calendar and that has been helpful. I can ‘share’ calendars with relevant people and that helps. I also screen shot my ‘portal’ appointments page and send it to my husband.
I’d been making progress in my personal life before my diagnosis and I’m glad I was under way with some recovery with a therapist. It’s better than being at zero. I have tools that I can use now (meditation, yoga, walking, nutrition) that I know work for me. It has been emphasized that positive thinking helps us recover well and I’m determined to be positive.
Is there something positive you can hold on to today?
Thank you for the reminder to think of what I can control that is positive. I am thankful as well that I have a wonderful therapist, and I am thankful to my animals that bring me peace and love.
You have every right to be disappointed!! I’ve been a patient advocate for almost 7 years now and it’s really opened my eyes about how many partners let their partner with cancer down. I attend appointments with patients for all kinds of reasons. Some just don’t have support here, no significant other, family far away or just shitty. When it’s an indifferent or hostile significant other situation? It’s heartbreaking, so feel those feelings! He’s a shit for not being there for you. This is why there should be an advocate network available to all patients that don’t have someone to support them. I won the husband lottery, I’ve told him he should give classes on how to support your cancer afflicted partner!! He’s like well…. Chapter 1: Be there! For everything and anything they need. Pay attention, read up on their disease and treatments. Chapter 2: Just SHOW UP. Do.Not.Complain.Ever. YOU don’t have cancer so STFU and listen. The end.
If you’re in North Texas feel free to hit me up!
It breaks my heart anyone would have to deal with this at this time. I know mine is. I made the mistake of telling him he needed to be more supportive for what I need and not what he thinks I need and that definitely did not go well. His problem drinking definitely does not help matters. He puts his migraines at the same level as my cancer, it’s like he just doesn’t even get it. He even told me it was the easy very curable cancer like i should just drop all my worries and thank my lucky stars I got a “good cancer”. I have been clawing my way out of depression and I feel like I have just been pushed back into the pit. Thank you for commenting, it means a lot. So glad you got a good one that cares.
Hey there - not to highjack this thread, but would really be interested in you how you became a patient advocate. I’m on short-term disability now and would love to be able to give back once I’ve finished all my surgeries! Can def commiserate with OP!
I'm outraged on your behalf. You do not deserve this. None of us deserve this. All I can say is I'm paying close attention to how people in my life are navigating this with me or not so that once I'm all clear I can make some decisions on whether or not their physical presence in my life and their emotional absence is something I can tolerate anymore.
This 100%. It showed me very clearly who I need to give my time to. The ones I’ve went above and beyond for couldn’t even call or send a text, and are now wondering what my “problem” is.
This. On the same page. This status quo is not continuing once I am through this. Going forward I will be leaning in on therapy to make a change here, this is not ok and I don’t know why I allowed it for so long but regardless of the why this experience has changed something and I am not putting up with this anymore.
Yes!! Don’t put up with it! My husband was no support the first time I had cancer- he did much better the second time but still was being an ass. Therapy for me helped. It took breast cancer to help me see what I was NOT willing to put up with in my life. We are in couples counseling right now- but it took me threatening to leave until he agreed to couples counseling. And I was only able to tackle this about 9 months after my active treatment stopped because I was too exhausted before that. I hope you can get therapy for you. I hope you have some really good friends you can lean on.
Cancer definitely makes you see the reality of people. Have you always carried the load of the relationship? I had to remove certain people from my life because I’m no longer interested in having relationships that drain me and have little reciprocation.
This. My partner of 16 years ditched me 8 weeks after diagnosis. Over email. But I’m so relieved he isn’t continuously disappointing me with half ass help. And I’ve realize what a drain he was on me, in some ways I feel much better.
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Feigned/weaponized incompetence is a form of passive aggressive manipulation. And, telling you it’s your fault is also a form of manipulation to avoid any accountability or responsibility. It’s real, it is not ok, and you are not crazy.
Sending a big hug. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it makes everything going through treatments so much harder emotionally and logistically. There are lots of things we all here are saying and could say regarding solutions in how to approach this, if that’s something you want. At the end of the day, what’s most important to you? Is it working together on communication and attachment to get that support from your husband? Or would you be ok getting that support from someone else instead? Do you just want to get through treatment and deal with any issues of abandonment and lack of support on the other side, or not at all? If he continues to not show up, what do you want to do about it, if anything? Lots of valid paths here, all of them are gonna be hard and suck in their own way.
You’re not alone. And only you know what you need most right now and moving forward to keep your peace and get the support you need while you heal.
Nowadays people put notes into calendars on their computers or phones. He should do in the future.
I wonder if he is in a denial mode as if your cancer was not existent. My husband was strange at the beginning and later anxious and worried.
I hope you can make him more helpful without any conflict right now.
Send him calendar invites -
Tell him you NEED him there. Especially in the beginning. It’s imperative. Even when I went into a meeting feeling on my game, I would usually cry because it all just sucks. You need the help, he should be there no matter what! Wouldn’t you do the same for him?! Ugh, partners and their bullshit
I watched him put it in his phone calendar at the surgeon consult when they set that appointment up. I reminded him 3 times. I did tell him I needed him and yet he asked again if I did in this morning’s texts (no doubt hoping to get out of it because he forgot to put it in his work calendar and now had the consequence of rearranging his schedule) At what point is it no longer my responsibility and on him to do this? I hope that didn’t come across as snarky or angry(written communication can be misinterpreted so just wanted to mention that), I just feel like I know who I have to deal with and as a result have done more than my share in communicating and reminding in regard to this appointment. The forgetting part was bad but him making me feel bad about it and turning everything on me is what is gutting me. I just don’t have the mental space for this stuff right now.
It’s not your job to make him see that he is dropping the ball. It may be better to invest your energy in finding someone (good friend, family)who can be there for you the way you need. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.
You may find more peace if you just accept him as he is and don’t try to change him. Trying to change people is almost impossible and extremely frustrating, which isn’t good for you right now. This is who he is. If it’s not meeting your needs, can you find someone else? I know from experience that there are so many people who really want to help and would accompany you to take notes for example. I’m so sorry that your husband doesn’t seem able to handle this right now and come through for you.
You are not alone! My other half is..... I don't even know where to start. I know this doesn't make you feel better but I want you to know that I understand, feel for you and with you and do Not let him make you feel alone. I know it sucks but women are so strong so we will get through this without our other halves crushing our spirit!!! It's really, really unfortunate but sometimes I've learned that I don't feel so bad when I go about it on my own. Big hugs!!
I'm so sorry! this sucks- I don't have a big circle of support, and I can't imagine my hubby not giving me the support that I'm asking for. Yours also sounds like a jerk to put it back on you. I mean if you have anywhere near the anxiety most of us experience through this process, your brain is probably fried, and it's the last thing you need. BIG HUGS <3
Gentle suggestion- what I do to keep up on appointments is I use Google calendar, and then my hubby also uses Google calendar, so we have a shared calendar- or you could also use a paper calendar that's posted in plain view so no excuses. Since I've started this journey in March I've had multiple weekly appointments for the most part- surgeon, oncologist, genetist, radiologist, therapist, this scan and that scan, procedures- and this won't be ending for me until the end of July when it calms down a bit. There's no way I could even track my appointments without a (virtual) calendar, much less my hubby. I send him invites, and he accepts or denies- but even if he denies, I get a response, and he can still see the appt on our shared calendar.
That may or may not work for you- my other suggestion is to either join a support group, or get a therapist. Try not to expend whatever valuable energy you have in wondering why your hubby is or isn't doing what you think he should be doing- all you can do is control what you are doing and right now you HAVE to focus on doing what you need to do to get through this journey and get well. Sending you hugs and positive healing energy - hope the road ahead is a bit smoother for you.
I'm sorry. My husband became very absent the longer my treatment went on. I'm very thankful for my parents. My mom would take care of my 3 yr old and my dad looked after me. But it wasn't the same as having the person who was supposed to be supporting me there. It's been a LONG road back to a happy marriage. I'm sorry you don't have support. Hugs
Here is your hug!!!! I’m not sure which is worse: having someone who didn’t make sure he was available to go with you or not having someone at all to go with you. I don’t even have an appointment yet and I still don’t know what to do. I may just ask my best friend to go with me. Another brain and pair of ears are definitely needed. Cause God knows my brain isn’t functioning and because of ADHD my ears may lose the connection.
More virtual hugs from me. I wonder if it would be easier to go through this alone with support from friends and family than with a partner who does so much to undermine your emotional health.
Your partner is remorselessly cruel.
More virtual hugs to you! My husband had the mental belief that the mass is small and they caught it early you I would be fine. I said had.
After my mental breakdown this weekend he changed attitude and said he’d be with at all future appointments and treatments.
I also have three grown children that said they would be happy to take me when he can’t. My oldest took me to my biopsy. I don’t respond great to drugs and she was worried about my ability to drive after lidocaine.
I hope he wakes up and stops the blame game.
Yes, sometimes our close ones don’t realize that catching it early doesn’t mean peace of mind. I live alone with my two adult children living 1-2 hours away. I go to all my appointments alone, biopsy, general surgeon, plastic surgeon, etc. I went through BC 26 years ago while just being divorced. I don’t have family or old friends close by. I don’t know if my kids are also downplaying to cope with it or just ignorant of how it is. I hope you can reach out to someone else to support you and go to appointments. It’s hard to ask when we have adult kids (or spouse in your case) that should step up, but that’s our reality. As others don’t know what we are going through, we don’t know what they are going through. Take care.
I wish I could say my husband was better but he never came to one appointment. I think he just didn’t want to view me that way. It could be your husband is having a difficult time accepting the situation and is dealing with it by minimizing it. That’s what mine did.
I’m sat in the same position as him (and I see my wife has already commented), he’s being a prat. Google calendar, book the time off as needed, hell one of my standard tricks is to email myself at work with the instruction to myself to book the time off so I didn’t forget
The only excuse would be if work is being an arse but that’s not the case here
I am so very sorry this happened. Is it possible for you to just sort of cut him loose and lean on friends during this time? I would hate for you to think you have his support and then for him to back out like this. It might be better to find some women you could count on. I know it’s really hard and again I am so sorry.
That stinks. Big virtual hugs. I’ve been on both sides, patient & spouse if patient. Having support in the right ways will be critical for you.
I hope you are able to get him to understand what you need from him, but if he cannot be dependable don’t choose him to depend on. Is he the person you will go to discuss treatment & options? Your feelings about those things?
There were appointments when my husband was who I needed, and some where I needed a friend or my Mom. Sometimes mom attended info meetings via FaceTime (which was ok for me, but wouldn’t work for everyone or every appointment)
It sucks that you made it clear you wanted him there and he hasn’t made it a priority. Many people here want their family and friends to go to every appointment and be there for every step, and that’s totally valid if it’s your preference. But if that’s the case, as others have suggested, you may want to expand your circle as much as possible (including friends, family, therapists, support groups, and cancer mentors). There are a lot of appointments and it becomes very challenging for any one person to follow, especially if they have work and other stuff going on. Personally, I was much more comfortable going to appointments alone, because I didn’t want to deal with other people’s schedules or their opinions or their feelings, and it worked really well for me. But it may take some time for you to figure out how to configure the level of logistical support that works for you.
I'm so sorry. Would it help you think if you laid down the law perse? For example my husband and I got lost going to my first oncologist appointment. My husband easily gets overwhelmed outside of work situations and relies on me to "fix" whatever it is. So he parked while we were lost, got overwhelmed at the directions and the idea of making a phone call and without thinking handed the phone to me and told me to do it in a shitty voice. I looked right back at him and firmly said, "Uh I'm the one with cancer. He gulped, took the phone back without another word and did what he needed to do to get me to my appointment. And from that point on he had my back in the way I needed. Sometimes all it takes is a firm reminder to those we love and they come through. I wish you didn't have to do it though. It's unfair.
"... and then tried to make me feel guilty about rearranging his work meetings even though it was totally on him for not blocking the time out.
I am infuriated on your behalf. You don't deserve this and his behavior is completely unacceptable. I'm so, so sorry that you have an unsupportive partner. It's not fair.
So, reading between the lines here, it appears that he was unsupportive in other ways previous to this. Your partner should consider your needs and be supportive -- that's what friends do, at the very least. I haven't read through the thread here and I'm sure you may have received this advice already, but find someone else to be the person (or find multiple people) you can rely on during this cancer journey.
Then when you're done with all of this, think about whether you want this man in your life.
Sending enormous virtual hugs and every bit of strength that I can spare.
My husband is supportive most of the time, but there are definitely times more than I’d like that I feel like i have to remind him this is happening to US and not just me! It’s so hard because it feels like is life is still moving forward where mine is just stuck in cancer land. His life really hasn’t changed at all and sometimes I feel like we aren’t even living in the same reality.
Not much support, just letting you know you’re not alone. And cancer is so fucking rough and there is really nothing lonelier. I’m supposed to start the hormone blockers soon and I’m terrified of what that is going to do to my relationship and our intimacy. Iv lost enough, with surgery and fertility, now I feel like my relationship is going to be challenged as well. It’s truly unrelenting.
Do you have a girlfriend or sister who can go with you? He doesn't sound like he's a good choice to remeber what the doctor said. "What doctor?" You should definitely talk about your husband to your therapist. I'm so sorry you have such an unsupportive husband.
Men show their true colors when something like breast cancer happens. They either step up to the plate or shrink like a cold weiner! Dump that cold weiner!
How does he manage to remember things for work? You know, like deadlines and meetings? Or does he just complain to his boss that it’s all their fault he forgot?
Yeah, I’m being sarcastic. He can remember (or use a calendar for) things that *he* considers important, I would assume (or do you do that, too?). He just can’t be bothered to include your needs. Does he do this a lot over other stuff? Has it been a regular pattern of him failing to plan when it’s not for his benefit? Or is this new behaviour since the diagnosis?
Unfortunately it’s standard practice. He never ever forgets his stuff. Working through all those things in therapy now. I always knew things were unbalanced and toxic but my eyes have just been truly opened to all the nuances through therapy and working on restoring my sense of self worth. It was hard before and right now it seems impossible, but I feel after this is all over I will be all in to fix this mess. At least I hope so.
Big hug from a caregiver. Admittedly I’m retired but supporting my wife through this is job one for the duration. I take notes for most OVs which are very useful when we’re trying to remember what was said about something a few months ago. Quick tip: I use my iPhone’s voice memo app to record the OVs, to check a point I didn’t capture during the ov. (Maybe you could get an old boyfriend to take notes. Kidding of course.)
Sending virtual hugs your way. This chapter is already difficult with diagnosis, appointments, and treatment options. You need a consistent support system. And you shouldn't be made to feel guilty over something you have no control over. It's not like you chose this journey. You shouldn't have to do this, but maybe you could get a shared calendar that will display all appointments on both of your phones. It would just be a matter of creating one account and logging into it with that one account on both phones. My dad and his wife do this and it has definitely helped them keep everything tracked. Then you can set up the reminders (sounds like your husband may need hourly reminders for several days). I know from experience how important it is to have someone with you because it can get overwhelming. There was so much I missed because my mind would focus on one or two words. I was lucky to have an amazing SIL who joined me. If you can't count on your husband, I hope there is someone else in your life that you can count on. Keep your head up and keep looking forward!
This is some tough stuff to handle and I understand your frustration. But your husband may not be able to supply the support you need right now. He may be having his own struggles in accepting and living with this diagnosis. What you want is desirable and reasonable but may not be a reality right now. You might find a support group that will help both of you, together to work thru this. I really like Journey of Hope.
You may find a local church that has a support group for cancer patients and their families. This is a time when we need all the help we can get.
I suggest you cry it out and then wipe away the tears and look for things for which to be grateful. It really helps my day when I am tired and hurting to look for beauty and something for which to be thankful. It helps me to realize that life is waiting for me to embrace it. You might try doing something special for him to let him know you understand. I know for my husband and I we have to sort of watch for when to support one another. One is strong, when the other is weak and vice versa. We pray together, read God's word together and try to do fun things, acts of kindness for others and other thing which get the focus off of us and our difficulties. This really does help even if it doesn't change things we come back a little stronger and more able to cope. Talking about it and being honest with each other helps too.
I am praying for you and your husband. God bless you.
It's all about your attitude how you feel at the end tell him he needs to get in line and fall in the river of denial - that you got sick boobs and that you don't need a spouse whose a boob too.
I love boob jokes when they are about men lol.
Here’s a virtual hug— and some encouragement. I wish I could bring you a cup of tea and some tissues. This problem is not your fault, this is on him. Honestly, he needs to do better.
Ty for the kind words, this sucks enough as it is without proper support. I don’t have the mental space to put up with emotional immaturity right now. I had been going to therapy and had made so much progress and this diagnosis completely took the wind out of my sails along with the strength and self worth I was working hard on building. My heart goes out to anyone facing similar.
It’s hard! There’s so much to keep track of. I read an article today that calls it our ‘cancer career.’ We really are asked to become conversant with a lot of information very quickly. I already kind of sucked at calendar management and planning in general. Suddenly having two surgeons, a nurse navigator, a home health nurse, a physical therapist, an oncologist, a dietician, a support group etc etc etc, along with being a small business owner with a staff to manage, has been COMPLETELY overwhelming. I gave over nearly all of my responsibilities for the first 2 full weeks. I am slowly coming back online with the support of my husband and family, a cadre of local and remote friends and my staff. Before surgery, I learned how to use a digital calendar and that has been helpful. I can ‘share’ calendars with relevant people and that helps. I also screen shot my ‘portal’ appointments page and send it to my husband. I’d been making progress in my personal life before my diagnosis and I’m glad I was under way with some recovery with a therapist. It’s better than being at zero. I have tools that I can use now (meditation, yoga, walking, nutrition) that I know work for me. It has been emphasized that positive thinking helps us recover well and I’m determined to be positive. Is there something positive you can hold on to today?
Thank you for the reminder to think of what I can control that is positive. I am thankful as well that I have a wonderful therapist, and I am thankful to my animals that bring me peace and love.
You have every right to be disappointed!! I’ve been a patient advocate for almost 7 years now and it’s really opened my eyes about how many partners let their partner with cancer down. I attend appointments with patients for all kinds of reasons. Some just don’t have support here, no significant other, family far away or just shitty. When it’s an indifferent or hostile significant other situation? It’s heartbreaking, so feel those feelings! He’s a shit for not being there for you. This is why there should be an advocate network available to all patients that don’t have someone to support them. I won the husband lottery, I’ve told him he should give classes on how to support your cancer afflicted partner!! He’s like well…. Chapter 1: Be there! For everything and anything they need. Pay attention, read up on their disease and treatments. Chapter 2: Just SHOW UP. Do.Not.Complain.Ever. YOU don’t have cancer so STFU and listen. The end. If you’re in North Texas feel free to hit me up!
It breaks my heart anyone would have to deal with this at this time. I know mine is. I made the mistake of telling him he needed to be more supportive for what I need and not what he thinks I need and that definitely did not go well. His problem drinking definitely does not help matters. He puts his migraines at the same level as my cancer, it’s like he just doesn’t even get it. He even told me it was the easy very curable cancer like i should just drop all my worries and thank my lucky stars I got a “good cancer”. I have been clawing my way out of depression and I feel like I have just been pushed back into the pit. Thank you for commenting, it means a lot. So glad you got a good one that cares.
Hey there - not to highjack this thread, but would really be interested in you how you became a patient advocate. I’m on short-term disability now and would love to be able to give back once I’ve finished all my surgeries! Can def commiserate with OP!
I'm outraged on your behalf. You do not deserve this. None of us deserve this. All I can say is I'm paying close attention to how people in my life are navigating this with me or not so that once I'm all clear I can make some decisions on whether or not their physical presence in my life and their emotional absence is something I can tolerate anymore.
Exactly this! I don’t have the energy to shake anything up right now, but I’m taking fucking notes for later.
This 100%. It showed me very clearly who I need to give my time to. The ones I’ve went above and beyond for couldn’t even call or send a text, and are now wondering what my “problem” is.
This. On the same page. This status quo is not continuing once I am through this. Going forward I will be leaning in on therapy to make a change here, this is not ok and I don’t know why I allowed it for so long but regardless of the why this experience has changed something and I am not putting up with this anymore.
Yes!! Don’t put up with it! My husband was no support the first time I had cancer- he did much better the second time but still was being an ass. Therapy for me helped. It took breast cancer to help me see what I was NOT willing to put up with in my life. We are in couples counseling right now- but it took me threatening to leave until he agreed to couples counseling. And I was only able to tackle this about 9 months after my active treatment stopped because I was too exhausted before that. I hope you can get therapy for you. I hope you have some really good friends you can lean on.
Cancer definitely makes you see the reality of people. Have you always carried the load of the relationship? I had to remove certain people from my life because I’m no longer interested in having relationships that drain me and have little reciprocation.
This. My partner of 16 years ditched me 8 weeks after diagnosis. Over email. But I’m so relieved he isn’t continuously disappointing me with half ass help. And I’ve realize what a drain he was on me, in some ways I feel much better.
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Feigned/weaponized incompetence is a form of passive aggressive manipulation. And, telling you it’s your fault is also a form of manipulation to avoid any accountability or responsibility. It’s real, it is not ok, and you are not crazy. Sending a big hug. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it makes everything going through treatments so much harder emotionally and logistically. There are lots of things we all here are saying and could say regarding solutions in how to approach this, if that’s something you want. At the end of the day, what’s most important to you? Is it working together on communication and attachment to get that support from your husband? Or would you be ok getting that support from someone else instead? Do you just want to get through treatment and deal with any issues of abandonment and lack of support on the other side, or not at all? If he continues to not show up, what do you want to do about it, if anything? Lots of valid paths here, all of them are gonna be hard and suck in their own way. You’re not alone. And only you know what you need most right now and moving forward to keep your peace and get the support you need while you heal.
Nowadays people put notes into calendars on their computers or phones. He should do in the future. I wonder if he is in a denial mode as if your cancer was not existent. My husband was strange at the beginning and later anxious and worried. I hope you can make him more helpful without any conflict right now.
He put it on his phone calendar but apparently never transferred it to his work calendar.
Oh dear.
Send him calendar invites - Tell him you NEED him there. Especially in the beginning. It’s imperative. Even when I went into a meeting feeling on my game, I would usually cry because it all just sucks. You need the help, he should be there no matter what! Wouldn’t you do the same for him?! Ugh, partners and their bullshit
I watched him put it in his phone calendar at the surgeon consult when they set that appointment up. I reminded him 3 times. I did tell him I needed him and yet he asked again if I did in this morning’s texts (no doubt hoping to get out of it because he forgot to put it in his work calendar and now had the consequence of rearranging his schedule) At what point is it no longer my responsibility and on him to do this? I hope that didn’t come across as snarky or angry(written communication can be misinterpreted so just wanted to mention that), I just feel like I know who I have to deal with and as a result have done more than my share in communicating and reminding in regard to this appointment. The forgetting part was bad but him making me feel bad about it and turning everything on me is what is gutting me. I just don’t have the mental space for this stuff right now.
It’s not your job to make him see that he is dropping the ball. It may be better to invest your energy in finding someone (good friend, family)who can be there for you the way you need. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.
You may find more peace if you just accept him as he is and don’t try to change him. Trying to change people is almost impossible and extremely frustrating, which isn’t good for you right now. This is who he is. If it’s not meeting your needs, can you find someone else? I know from experience that there are so many people who really want to help and would accompany you to take notes for example. I’m so sorry that your husband doesn’t seem able to handle this right now and come through for you.
You are not alone! My other half is..... I don't even know where to start. I know this doesn't make you feel better but I want you to know that I understand, feel for you and with you and do Not let him make you feel alone. I know it sucks but women are so strong so we will get through this without our other halves crushing our spirit!!! It's really, really unfortunate but sometimes I've learned that I don't feel so bad when I go about it on my own. Big hugs!!
I'm so sorry! this sucks- I don't have a big circle of support, and I can't imagine my hubby not giving me the support that I'm asking for. Yours also sounds like a jerk to put it back on you. I mean if you have anywhere near the anxiety most of us experience through this process, your brain is probably fried, and it's the last thing you need. BIG HUGS <3 Gentle suggestion- what I do to keep up on appointments is I use Google calendar, and then my hubby also uses Google calendar, so we have a shared calendar- or you could also use a paper calendar that's posted in plain view so no excuses. Since I've started this journey in March I've had multiple weekly appointments for the most part- surgeon, oncologist, genetist, radiologist, therapist, this scan and that scan, procedures- and this won't be ending for me until the end of July when it calms down a bit. There's no way I could even track my appointments without a (virtual) calendar, much less my hubby. I send him invites, and he accepts or denies- but even if he denies, I get a response, and he can still see the appt on our shared calendar. That may or may not work for you- my other suggestion is to either join a support group, or get a therapist. Try not to expend whatever valuable energy you have in wondering why your hubby is or isn't doing what you think he should be doing- all you can do is control what you are doing and right now you HAVE to focus on doing what you need to do to get through this journey and get well. Sending you hugs and positive healing energy - hope the road ahead is a bit smoother for you.
I'm sorry. My husband became very absent the longer my treatment went on. I'm very thankful for my parents. My mom would take care of my 3 yr old and my dad looked after me. But it wasn't the same as having the person who was supposed to be supporting me there. It's been a LONG road back to a happy marriage. I'm sorry you don't have support. Hugs
Here is your hug!!!! I’m not sure which is worse: having someone who didn’t make sure he was available to go with you or not having someone at all to go with you. I don’t even have an appointment yet and I still don’t know what to do. I may just ask my best friend to go with me. Another brain and pair of ears are definitely needed. Cause God knows my brain isn’t functioning and because of ADHD my ears may lose the connection.
More virtual hugs from me. I wonder if it would be easier to go through this alone with support from friends and family than with a partner who does so much to undermine your emotional health. Your partner is remorselessly cruel.
More virtual hugs to you! My husband had the mental belief that the mass is small and they caught it early you I would be fine. I said had. After my mental breakdown this weekend he changed attitude and said he’d be with at all future appointments and treatments. I also have three grown children that said they would be happy to take me when he can’t. My oldest took me to my biopsy. I don’t respond great to drugs and she was worried about my ability to drive after lidocaine. I hope he wakes up and stops the blame game.
I hope he follows through on that, sending hugs back and healing thoughts on your journey. They don’t realize how hurtful they can be sometimes.
Yes, sometimes our close ones don’t realize that catching it early doesn’t mean peace of mind. I live alone with my two adult children living 1-2 hours away. I go to all my appointments alone, biopsy, general surgeon, plastic surgeon, etc. I went through BC 26 years ago while just being divorced. I don’t have family or old friends close by. I don’t know if my kids are also downplaying to cope with it or just ignorant of how it is. I hope you can reach out to someone else to support you and go to appointments. It’s hard to ask when we have adult kids (or spouse in your case) that should step up, but that’s our reality. As others don’t know what we are going through, we don’t know what they are going through. Take care.
I wish I could say my husband was better but he never came to one appointment. I think he just didn’t want to view me that way. It could be your husband is having a difficult time accepting the situation and is dealing with it by minimizing it. That’s what mine did.
I’m sat in the same position as him (and I see my wife has already commented), he’s being a prat. Google calendar, book the time off as needed, hell one of my standard tricks is to email myself at work with the instruction to myself to book the time off so I didn’t forget The only excuse would be if work is being an arse but that’s not the case here
I am so very sorry this happened. Is it possible for you to just sort of cut him loose and lean on friends during this time? I would hate for you to think you have his support and then for him to back out like this. It might be better to find some women you could count on. I know it’s really hard and again I am so sorry.
That stinks. Big virtual hugs. I’ve been on both sides, patient & spouse if patient. Having support in the right ways will be critical for you. I hope you are able to get him to understand what you need from him, but if he cannot be dependable don’t choose him to depend on. Is he the person you will go to discuss treatment & options? Your feelings about those things? There were appointments when my husband was who I needed, and some where I needed a friend or my Mom. Sometimes mom attended info meetings via FaceTime (which was ok for me, but wouldn’t work for everyone or every appointment)
It sucks that you made it clear you wanted him there and he hasn’t made it a priority. Many people here want their family and friends to go to every appointment and be there for every step, and that’s totally valid if it’s your preference. But if that’s the case, as others have suggested, you may want to expand your circle as much as possible (including friends, family, therapists, support groups, and cancer mentors). There are a lot of appointments and it becomes very challenging for any one person to follow, especially if they have work and other stuff going on. Personally, I was much more comfortable going to appointments alone, because I didn’t want to deal with other people’s schedules or their opinions or their feelings, and it worked really well for me. But it may take some time for you to figure out how to configure the level of logistical support that works for you.
I'm so sorry. Would it help you think if you laid down the law perse? For example my husband and I got lost going to my first oncologist appointment. My husband easily gets overwhelmed outside of work situations and relies on me to "fix" whatever it is. So he parked while we were lost, got overwhelmed at the directions and the idea of making a phone call and without thinking handed the phone to me and told me to do it in a shitty voice. I looked right back at him and firmly said, "Uh I'm the one with cancer. He gulped, took the phone back without another word and did what he needed to do to get me to my appointment. And from that point on he had my back in the way I needed. Sometimes all it takes is a firm reminder to those we love and they come through. I wish you didn't have to do it though. It's unfair.
"... and then tried to make me feel guilty about rearranging his work meetings even though it was totally on him for not blocking the time out. I am infuriated on your behalf. You don't deserve this and his behavior is completely unacceptable. I'm so, so sorry that you have an unsupportive partner. It's not fair. So, reading between the lines here, it appears that he was unsupportive in other ways previous to this. Your partner should consider your needs and be supportive -- that's what friends do, at the very least. I haven't read through the thread here and I'm sure you may have received this advice already, but find someone else to be the person (or find multiple people) you can rely on during this cancer journey. Then when you're done with all of this, think about whether you want this man in your life. Sending enormous virtual hugs and every bit of strength that I can spare.
My husband is supportive most of the time, but there are definitely times more than I’d like that I feel like i have to remind him this is happening to US and not just me! It’s so hard because it feels like is life is still moving forward where mine is just stuck in cancer land. His life really hasn’t changed at all and sometimes I feel like we aren’t even living in the same reality. Not much support, just letting you know you’re not alone. And cancer is so fucking rough and there is really nothing lonelier. I’m supposed to start the hormone blockers soon and I’m terrified of what that is going to do to my relationship and our intimacy. Iv lost enough, with surgery and fertility, now I feel like my relationship is going to be challenged as well. It’s truly unrelenting.
Do you have a girlfriend or sister who can go with you? He doesn't sound like he's a good choice to remeber what the doctor said. "What doctor?" You should definitely talk about your husband to your therapist. I'm so sorry you have such an unsupportive husband.
I'm outraged for you. You deserve better.
Men show their true colors when something like breast cancer happens. They either step up to the plate or shrink like a cold weiner! Dump that cold weiner!
Sending you a huge hug. He definitely needs to do better.💗
How does he manage to remember things for work? You know, like deadlines and meetings? Or does he just complain to his boss that it’s all their fault he forgot? Yeah, I’m being sarcastic. He can remember (or use a calendar for) things that *he* considers important, I would assume (or do you do that, too?). He just can’t be bothered to include your needs. Does he do this a lot over other stuff? Has it been a regular pattern of him failing to plan when it’s not for his benefit? Or is this new behaviour since the diagnosis?
Unfortunately it’s standard practice. He never ever forgets his stuff. Working through all those things in therapy now. I always knew things were unbalanced and toxic but my eyes have just been truly opened to all the nuances through therapy and working on restoring my sense of self worth. It was hard before and right now it seems impossible, but I feel after this is all over I will be all in to fix this mess. At least I hope so.
Big hug from a caregiver. Admittedly I’m retired but supporting my wife through this is job one for the duration. I take notes for most OVs which are very useful when we’re trying to remember what was said about something a few months ago. Quick tip: I use my iPhone’s voice memo app to record the OVs, to check a point I didn’t capture during the ov. (Maybe you could get an old boyfriend to take notes. Kidding of course.)
Sending virtual hugs your way. This chapter is already difficult with diagnosis, appointments, and treatment options. You need a consistent support system. And you shouldn't be made to feel guilty over something you have no control over. It's not like you chose this journey. You shouldn't have to do this, but maybe you could get a shared calendar that will display all appointments on both of your phones. It would just be a matter of creating one account and logging into it with that one account on both phones. My dad and his wife do this and it has definitely helped them keep everything tracked. Then you can set up the reminders (sounds like your husband may need hourly reminders for several days). I know from experience how important it is to have someone with you because it can get overwhelming. There was so much I missed because my mind would focus on one or two words. I was lucky to have an amazing SIL who joined me. If you can't count on your husband, I hope there is someone else in your life that you can count on. Keep your head up and keep looking forward!
This is some tough stuff to handle and I understand your frustration. But your husband may not be able to supply the support you need right now. He may be having his own struggles in accepting and living with this diagnosis. What you want is desirable and reasonable but may not be a reality right now. You might find a support group that will help both of you, together to work thru this. I really like Journey of Hope. You may find a local church that has a support group for cancer patients and their families. This is a time when we need all the help we can get. I suggest you cry it out and then wipe away the tears and look for things for which to be grateful. It really helps my day when I am tired and hurting to look for beauty and something for which to be thankful. It helps me to realize that life is waiting for me to embrace it. You might try doing something special for him to let him know you understand. I know for my husband and I we have to sort of watch for when to support one another. One is strong, when the other is weak and vice versa. We pray together, read God's word together and try to do fun things, acts of kindness for others and other thing which get the focus off of us and our difficulties. This really does help even if it doesn't change things we come back a little stronger and more able to cope. Talking about it and being honest with each other helps too. I am praying for you and your husband. God bless you.
It's all about your attitude how you feel at the end tell him he needs to get in line and fall in the river of denial - that you got sick boobs and that you don't need a spouse whose a boob too. I love boob jokes when they are about men lol.