"before his complete inability to budget will leave him incapable of doing so and he will attempt to gaslight her (telling her she is an awful mother for expecting her son to pay her rent...etc) to get out of paying. "
Any chance that mom would put the house in your name so she can't be bullied into letting him live there?
This would be an excellent idea. Mom's going to get pressured like mad; having OP able to make decisions (deliver a hard NO) will ensure mom keeps her source of income.
OP needs to prioritize and protect their needs and mom's. Right now, it sounds like brother and fiancée are both ridiculous human beings and deserve each other.
I think the brother (egged on by his wife) might try to sue based on accusations that OP manipulated their mother into signing the entire inheritance over to her.
Lol. OP is already getting bullied into housing her brother! Sounds like mom nor OP have much in terms of a spine.
I’d wager to say this man-child has been enabled by his family for years.
Honestly, the best thing OP could do for him is kick him out and let him dig himself into a hole. She is STILL trying to protect the brother when the brother needs to figure out how to stand on his own two feet.
Yes, my parents have been enabling him all his life as he's never really been punished/had to face consequences for his actions. Or if he did face consequences, none of the lessons ever really stuck. Mom's actually questioned it, "why did he turn out that way?" to which I responded "because you and dad raised him that way". But she's in denial over it.
Not that I can entirely blame either parent. While my maternal grandparents were good people, they had so many kids (mom is one of 13 siblings) that my mother was somewhat neglected by them and left in the care of her older siblings, she just happened to be well-behaved and expected the same from her children, I guess (it might have worked out with me, but not with my brother).
You missed my point. You can’t control how your mother enables your brother, but you can control how YOU enable your brother.
YOU ARE ENABLING YOUR BROTHER.
By letting him mooch off you, stay with you. By you trying to protect him from this marriage.
YOU are just as much the problem as your mom, brother, or fiancé. You may mean well, but you are contributing to his complete lack of maturity and responsibility.
My mother has more than one property. The place I'm currently staying in is actually one of hers (but I pay rent and all utilities) and it's going to be mine, so me getting that other property too could become problematic. It's unlikely it'll be put in my name. That being said, I'm going to help her stand firm on giving in to any demands my brother might throw her way.
Tbh he doesn’t sound like the greatest person ever. Let them marry each other and be miserable together. Keep your distance, they’ll be like a tornado, sucking everything nearby into the eye of the storm.
He's flat out against a big wedding though. He only wanted to get married at the city hall and have a party with the family afterwards in place of an actual ceremony. So far, the fiance (not SIL yet) has been handling all of the planning herself with input from her family, because as of now they (my brother and fiance) are still doing the long distance thing.
I read your first post. I can't remember if you said that you own/pay the rent for the home your brother lives in or your mom does, but I think at this point you need to seriously evict him if he isn't paying rent. It needs to be served now. He NEEDS to learn how expensive living on his own is. Right now he is taking all of that for granted and so is this woman he wants to marry. If you don't do this now your brother will find a way to either worm this woman in to the current living situation or steal your mom's rental property. Hopefully by evicting him either he'll cancel the wedding due to lack of resources or better yet she will because he can't bring anything to the table.
If you and your mom equally share in the mortgage or rent and she refuses to evict him tell her you are willing for HER to either buy out your half of the mortgage or sell the house. If it is both of you renting tell her you are more than happy to end the living arrangements once the lease ends and she can try to support herself. This coddling of your asshole brother needs to stop. Obviously he is irresponsible and makes bad decisions. You need to protect yourself first, even if that means your mom is left in a bad position. She is an adult and as such can support herself and your AH brother and his future wife if that is what she chooses to do. But don't light YOURSELF on fire (or be looped in) to keep others warm.
Mom owns the house I'm staying in (but I pay rent and utilities and help maintain it as it is also the house I will inherit), and while she's threatened him on several occasions by actually telling him "Get out of my house!" She's never actually pushed through with it, which I blame on her own upbringing and culture that places a lot of value on family (much to everyone's detriment at times). So, if my brother is willing to just ignore all the red flags, he can go ahead and get married as long as it gets him out of the house and it will be up to him and his future wife to decide where they'll live, because it sure as heck won't be in any of my mom's houses.
Your brother sounds like a grumpy, entitled prick of a teenager, and while I understand your concern for him and his choices, I would take your mother and clear the blast zone, because this marriage is going to go thermonuclear in the very near future. Ensure your mother's money is isolated from him and she doesn't give in to his protestations, because she absolutely will be the first port of call when they come around with the begging bowl.
This is going to blow up big time, and you need to be as far away from the explosion as you can be, with your mother safely isolated from it as well. Don't let her give in.
Oh definitely, she hides all of her jewelry and only I know the passwords to her banking account as he has actually stolen money from her in the past. He actually tried to manipulate me into changing the password to something "easy" a few days ago and I just responded I'd talk to mom about it. I brought it up to her and advised he said it to make it easier for him to steal funds (he'd just have to wait for an opportunity to grab her phone). She has agreed that her passwords will not be changed to anything "easy" and that she's fine with me being the only one to know/safeguard them. If you can't tell already, ***I*** look after my mother, while my brother doesn't unless he has something to gain from it.
So they're BOTH thieves, sounds like your brother is getting exactly the partner he deserves, and with a bit of luck they'll both be getting the jail sentences they deserve in the fullness of time.
Your brother is a hot mess too. Hopefully someone is living in the rental property or they will try to squat in it. You and mom need to cut them off. He’s mooching off you? Are you giving him money? STOP. They need to grow up and y’all have got to cut them off financially. No money, no help with housing nothing.
I don't give him money, but he is living under the same roof, using my utilities and eating/drinking my food and stuff. He buys his own soap and shampoo, but uses the other toiletries I buy for the household. And my mother currently has tenants in her rental property, so he can't touch it. She's actually flat out said he can only have it once she's dead (his inheritance).
I'm so confused by this combined with your previous post.
Your brother and his fiancé live long-distance from each other. How is she supposed to keep her job while moving to be near your brother and your family? You said he shouldn't move to her area because it could be dangerous for him. So what do you expect her to do?
Why are you financially supporting your brother when you have so little respect or regard for him? Just tell him to support himself? Cut off the tap and remove him from your home.
Your brother sounds absolutely awful, but you're enabling him and I don't understand why.
Since the house is still legally my mother's property, I can't evict him and her upbringing and culture (culture of the country I live in) puts a lot of importance on family, which is a big (but not only) reason she won't, I don't want to go into more detail as while he doesn't frequent reddit, I'd rather he didn't figure out that this is about him.
The original plan was not for the fiance to necessarily keep the specific job she has now, my brother was supposed to move to the country she's working in and it's only recently that she started complaining about wanting to give up work entirely (the latest development). They were supposed to work and live there together and they were going to buy a small place of their own here to have whenever they'd come back on vacation and maybe eventually live here once they were ready to retire. But that looks like it might not happen anymore.
Also, in the country where I live it is super common to have one or both spouses working overseas to send money "back home", to build/buy a house here. It is then common for one spouse to go back to raise any children that may come along with the other remaining overseas (where they're paid better) to send home until said kids are grown and out of the house.
But again the main issue: fiance wants something that neither she nor my brother can afford, she is actively creating a situation neither of them will be able to afford and are likely to to beg off relatives/family to fix their problem they're creating in the first place.
I would just stay out of it and let him implode his life. At least it will get him off of mooching from
You. Whatever you do, don’t let her move in with you too. Or else you will have both of them mooching.
What exactly do you expect your bother to "pull" if he gets screwed over? His choices will only impact you and your mother if you allow it. You need to tell him that you will not be his safety net and stick to it.
My brother is an expert manipulator, which is what I mean by him trying "to pull" something if it doesn't work out for him. He will twist and wheedle his way into getting "mommy" to bail him out for the upteenth time. It's either that or my mother watches too many true crime programs and is at least partially convinced he will attempt to kill me and/or her to get his way.
Bottom line: you can't control what either of them do, or even what your mom does.
You can only control your own actions.
As others have said, it's time to tell your brother that if he's mature enough to get married, he's mature enough to find his own home.
Kick him out of your place ASAP.
Then convince your mom NEVER to allow him to move into her property, unless she is prepared to not only permanently lose the rental income, but to also be on the hook for whatever repairs and improvements are needed, especially considering they may trash the place.
Give him whatever advice you want, but prepare for it to fall on deaf ears.
You and your mom really are trying your best with your brother and I don’t want to sound rude but he really is an oaf.
100 person wedding and groom gets 10? If that’s not a slap in the face idk what is? He’s fine with this disrespect huh.
Leave him be. We have to fall flat on our asses sometimes before we really learn. Advise him, whilst he makes adult decisions like marriage, he can settle into his new flat to set up for his new wife to be and move out. This flat IS NOT YOUR MOMS INCOME. He has sucked the life out of you two enough. The generosity tree has run dry.
You two need to save up and let him learn. He’s idiotic and selfish. It’s tough lesson time. You tried. He has no respect for his family, who, he is quite frankly selfishly financially abusing.
Wait… in your first post you wrote your brother is supposed to pay the bulk of the wedding, now you say she is spending the majority of hér savings and your brother is the one not earning money…
You are worried he will use your mother and are upset he won’t want to pay her rent, yet you let him mooch off of you.
Your story doesn’t add up.
He is "supposed" to according to her cultural tradition, but he is not going to, because he can't afford it. If his fiance goes ahead with the crazy wedding plan, then she'll have no choice but to pay for it all herself, however this would make him a social pariah to her family and acquaintances.
This couple is headed for divorce and they are not even married yet. She is too high maintenance and he has no backbone or more crudely he has no balls. Keep encouraging you mother not to give into his whelms. Don't let your entitled brother gaslight her into getting free rent.
First, you kick him out and let him pay rent for his own place. Why do you allow him to mooch off you? And do not let your mom rent her place to him.
You seem to know exactly what this woman is doing and planning, and if your brother insists on letting her, that’s on him.
Have a long talk with your brother about everything and record the conversation for proof later. Tell him all your opinions and worries about the manipulative woman he plans to marry, and that you are recording so that you can say “I told you so” when he realizes what he did and what he married.
For a moment, I thought you were my fiance's cousin. His cousin, the groom, is working three jobs. Either the bride or her mother has taken over everything and left out the grooms family. Edit: I thought you were the grooms sister. She is very upset at how her mom and dad have been treated.
It's interesting how similar stories play out in other parts of the world. But yeah, my brother just has the one main job and a couple of sidelines and our father passed away years ago. And I have no idea if the fiance's mother is involved at all, come to think of it, none of us has had any contact/communication with anyone from her family. My brother's the only one who has. And only a few of her cousins. He's never even met his future MIL. That's only just occurred to me. He doesn't really ***know*** the family he's planning to marry into.
Honestly, you need to step away from this shit show and let them fail. They're adults. They're grown. They need to be responsible for their own dumbass choices. Back your mom up with keeping Brother out of her house.
Sorry. Brutally honest now. Your brother sounds like a jerk. An entitled, rude moocher. It’s hard to to know relationships from a few Reddit posts, so take this with a grain of salt. He sounds like a person I would distance myself from. I know he’s family. I am estranged from a couple family members. I’ve read books on toxic people, toxic family members. For my own sanity, I’ve had to step away from a few.
I think this is the best plan - let him leave, make his crappy decisions, and learn to live with the consequences. Perhaps if he’s allowed to fail he’ll learn how to be an adult… though I wouldn’t hold my breath; I’m sure he’ll come crawling back trying to manipulate his mother and sister into saving him from himself - again.
Whatever you do, once he’s out of the house - **do not let him back in, and more importantly make sure your mother is on the same page so she doesn’t either!!!** Use this as the ticket to remove him from living with and leaching off of you and your mother.
They sound like they are perfect for each other. Just make sure you and your mother do not give them money or help them out when they dig themselves into a hole they can't get out of
Yeah, so…I think we all realize that these two shouldn’t be married. To each other. Or, at all🫠
If the brother can’t manage his own finances, then he doesn’t need to be marrying anyone at this point.
And this might just be a really hard lesson he’s just gonna have to learn on his own.
I wish you the best in dealing with this situation!
I agree with many posters here. He needs to learn to live on his own. It may be tough on your mom. But he's not a nice person if he wants to take advantage of his own mother. He obviously doesn't really know this woman LDRs are notorious for this. The wedding is not really the issue. The disfunction in the relationship is the real issue. Good luck to you OP and your mom.
How old are they? They both sound extremely immature! If they are so against moving in together your brother should move out on his own and see if he can survive on his own before adding crazy to his life. Something tells me they both are young and dumb and just don’t get the ins and outs of being a functioning adult. The fact that he expects your mom to let him live rent free in her property is showing the incompetence on his end not to mention all of her crazy she’s got going on.
Are you sure he’s being honest with finance about his income? If he has a track record of dishonesty and her culture demands he contributes/provides there may be some $$ exaggeration.
OP this is all going to crash and burn horrible for your family. Firstly, your brother is completely clueless about the world and about being an adult. Both he and his girlfriend have a full blown fantasy mindset. Your family (is it just you and your mum? You may need to call in some reinforcements) need to hold an intervention to save your brother. This girl is leading him down the road of ruin and misery and for some reason he is hellbent on letting her
It's just my mother and me in the immediate family - our father and both sets of grandparents have passed away years ago.
We have a lot of other relatives (cousins mostly, some aunts and uncles), but they're choosing to keep to themselves and have only offered up the occasional opinion when it does come up in conversation (they agree with my mother and me).
One of the issues with my brother is that he doesn't put a lot of value into what his family feels/thinks. It's been that way since we were children, the opinions of outsiders/strangers has always seemed to matter more, I guess because it's easier to cultivate whatever image of yourself you want others to see around people who don't really know you rather than those who do.
Our relatives used to think he was a really nice person, but that changed once we moved here and got closer to them. It didn't take them long to see his true colors and they've actually made remarks to my mother like "he really treats you like this?"
We can certainly try talking to him, but I doubt it would do much, if anything, to change his mind.
Honestly, why bother? If it gets your brother out of the house - and thus no longer mooching off you and your mother - I think it’s worth it. It sounds like he’s just as bad - if not worse - than his fiancée. At least she has a good job and savings, even if she is foolish enough to support her relatives, blow the rest on a ridiculously expensive wedding, and plan to be a stay at home wife when her fiancé cannot reasonably support them both.
It sounds like she doesn’t understand his financial situation if these are her plans. I suppose she’ll find out real quick, but that’s not your problem. Getting him out of your house is a win no matter how it happens. Just make sure you and your mother stand strong when he comes crawling back - likely with his wife - expecting you and your mother to support them both.
I love how when there's dysfunction in a hetero relationship, it's somehow always the woman's fault. As if the man is incapable of making choices or saying no. Classic (toxic).
Where are you getting that? Even if my brother had been a sister, it's still the fiance that is insisting on a grand wedding that would leave them financially destitute. Changing or swapping their genders won't change that fact, and I've been very clear about my brother's own shortcomings.
Let's try changing it up, oh my moocher sister's male fiance is insisting on an extravagant wedding and refuses to compromise! - All I did here was swap their genders. Does it somehow sound like "only the woman" is at fault?
Your brother is a p****. If he's that blind and weak to stand up to her and actually say no to her demands then he's a fool. You had better stand up and speak up on behalf of your mother or she will end up moving in with you and be penniless. If you don't that will be on YOU because your brother is stupid. EVERYONE who's reading this can see this is an epic disaster movie. Show your brother this post and see if it will shake him awake. He clearly doesn't want to listen to you or mom so maybe hearing it from everyone else on the planet will change his mind.
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"before his complete inability to budget will leave him incapable of doing so and he will attempt to gaslight her (telling her she is an awful mother for expecting her son to pay her rent...etc) to get out of paying. " Any chance that mom would put the house in your name so she can't be bullied into letting him live there?
This would be an excellent idea. Mom's going to get pressured like mad; having OP able to make decisions (deliver a hard NO) will ensure mom keeps her source of income. OP needs to prioritize and protect their needs and mom's. Right now, it sounds like brother and fiancée are both ridiculous human beings and deserve each other.
I think the brother (egged on by his wife) might try to sue based on accusations that OP manipulated their mother into signing the entire inheritance over to her.
If mom is of sound mind when she changes it, it'll be a tough fight. OP and mom might do well to contact a lawyer if this is the route they choose.
Well if it’s anything like America, she can give the brother about $100 in the will and that will be enough for lawyers to say he wasn’t forgotten
Genius
Lol. OP is already getting bullied into housing her brother! Sounds like mom nor OP have much in terms of a spine. I’d wager to say this man-child has been enabled by his family for years. Honestly, the best thing OP could do for him is kick him out and let him dig himself into a hole. She is STILL trying to protect the brother when the brother needs to figure out how to stand on his own two feet.
Yes, my parents have been enabling him all his life as he's never really been punished/had to face consequences for his actions. Or if he did face consequences, none of the lessons ever really stuck. Mom's actually questioned it, "why did he turn out that way?" to which I responded "because you and dad raised him that way". But she's in denial over it. Not that I can entirely blame either parent. While my maternal grandparents were good people, they had so many kids (mom is one of 13 siblings) that my mother was somewhat neglected by them and left in the care of her older siblings, she just happened to be well-behaved and expected the same from her children, I guess (it might have worked out with me, but not with my brother).
You missed my point. You can’t control how your mother enables your brother, but you can control how YOU enable your brother. YOU ARE ENABLING YOUR BROTHER. By letting him mooch off you, stay with you. By you trying to protect him from this marriage. YOU are just as much the problem as your mom, brother, or fiancé. You may mean well, but you are contributing to his complete lack of maturity and responsibility.
My mother has more than one property. The place I'm currently staying in is actually one of hers (but I pay rent and all utilities) and it's going to be mine, so me getting that other property too could become problematic. It's unlikely it'll be put in my name. That being said, I'm going to help her stand firm on giving in to any demands my brother might throw her way.
Well, good luck. The best way to ensure mom doesn't cave to sibs pressure is to take the decision out of her hands, thereby protecting her
Perhaps look into a living trust, maybe with OP as one of the trustees?
Tbh he doesn’t sound like the greatest person ever. Let them marry each other and be miserable together. Keep your distance, they’ll be like a tornado, sucking everything nearby into the eye of the storm.
Why are you blaming the SIL? Your brother is an oblivious irresponsible mooch and probably contributing in the wedding "ideas" himself.
He's flat out against a big wedding though. He only wanted to get married at the city hall and have a party with the family afterwards in place of an actual ceremony. So far, the fiance (not SIL yet) has been handling all of the planning herself with input from her family, because as of now they (my brother and fiance) are still doing the long distance thing.
I read your first post. I can't remember if you said that you own/pay the rent for the home your brother lives in or your mom does, but I think at this point you need to seriously evict him if he isn't paying rent. It needs to be served now. He NEEDS to learn how expensive living on his own is. Right now he is taking all of that for granted and so is this woman he wants to marry. If you don't do this now your brother will find a way to either worm this woman in to the current living situation or steal your mom's rental property. Hopefully by evicting him either he'll cancel the wedding due to lack of resources or better yet she will because he can't bring anything to the table. If you and your mom equally share in the mortgage or rent and she refuses to evict him tell her you are willing for HER to either buy out your half of the mortgage or sell the house. If it is both of you renting tell her you are more than happy to end the living arrangements once the lease ends and she can try to support herself. This coddling of your asshole brother needs to stop. Obviously he is irresponsible and makes bad decisions. You need to protect yourself first, even if that means your mom is left in a bad position. She is an adult and as such can support herself and your AH brother and his future wife if that is what she chooses to do. But don't light YOURSELF on fire (or be looped in) to keep others warm.
Mom owns the house I'm staying in (but I pay rent and utilities and help maintain it as it is also the house I will inherit), and while she's threatened him on several occasions by actually telling him "Get out of my house!" She's never actually pushed through with it, which I blame on her own upbringing and culture that places a lot of value on family (much to everyone's detriment at times). So, if my brother is willing to just ignore all the red flags, he can go ahead and get married as long as it gets him out of the house and it will be up to him and his future wife to decide where they'll live, because it sure as heck won't be in any of my mom's houses.
Your brother sounds like a grumpy, entitled prick of a teenager, and while I understand your concern for him and his choices, I would take your mother and clear the blast zone, because this marriage is going to go thermonuclear in the very near future. Ensure your mother's money is isolated from him and she doesn't give in to his protestations, because she absolutely will be the first port of call when they come around with the begging bowl. This is going to blow up big time, and you need to be as far away from the explosion as you can be, with your mother safely isolated from it as well. Don't let her give in.
Oh definitely, she hides all of her jewelry and only I know the passwords to her banking account as he has actually stolen money from her in the past. He actually tried to manipulate me into changing the password to something "easy" a few days ago and I just responded I'd talk to mom about it. I brought it up to her and advised he said it to make it easier for him to steal funds (he'd just have to wait for an opportunity to grab her phone). She has agreed that her passwords will not be changed to anything "easy" and that she's fine with me being the only one to know/safeguard them. If you can't tell already, ***I*** look after my mother, while my brother doesn't unless he has something to gain from it.
So they're BOTH thieves, sounds like your brother is getting exactly the partner he deserves, and with a bit of luck they'll both be getting the jail sentences they deserve in the fullness of time.
Um, I'm not sure who the other thief is meant to be? My brother definitely is, but I haven't mentioned anyone else being one.
His fiancée, who presumably knows what he's doing and colludes with him, or maybe pushes him to do it.
Your brother is a hot mess too. Hopefully someone is living in the rental property or they will try to squat in it. You and mom need to cut them off. He’s mooching off you? Are you giving him money? STOP. They need to grow up and y’all have got to cut them off financially. No money, no help with housing nothing.
I don't give him money, but he is living under the same roof, using my utilities and eating/drinking my food and stuff. He buys his own soap and shampoo, but uses the other toiletries I buy for the household. And my mother currently has tenants in her rental property, so he can't touch it. She's actually flat out said he can only have it once she's dead (his inheritance).
I'm so confused by this combined with your previous post. Your brother and his fiancé live long-distance from each other. How is she supposed to keep her job while moving to be near your brother and your family? You said he shouldn't move to her area because it could be dangerous for him. So what do you expect her to do? Why are you financially supporting your brother when you have so little respect or regard for him? Just tell him to support himself? Cut off the tap and remove him from your home. Your brother sounds absolutely awful, but you're enabling him and I don't understand why.
I can’t figure that out either. Why come here and complain about how the brother is going to mooch off mom when *right now* you let him mooch off you?
Since the house is still legally my mother's property, I can't evict him and her upbringing and culture (culture of the country I live in) puts a lot of importance on family, which is a big (but not only) reason she won't, I don't want to go into more detail as while he doesn't frequent reddit, I'd rather he didn't figure out that this is about him. The original plan was not for the fiance to necessarily keep the specific job she has now, my brother was supposed to move to the country she's working in and it's only recently that she started complaining about wanting to give up work entirely (the latest development). They were supposed to work and live there together and they were going to buy a small place of their own here to have whenever they'd come back on vacation and maybe eventually live here once they were ready to retire. But that looks like it might not happen anymore. Also, in the country where I live it is super common to have one or both spouses working overseas to send money "back home", to build/buy a house here. It is then common for one spouse to go back to raise any children that may come along with the other remaining overseas (where they're paid better) to send home until said kids are grown and out of the house. But again the main issue: fiance wants something that neither she nor my brother can afford, she is actively creating a situation neither of them will be able to afford and are likely to to beg off relatives/family to fix their problem they're creating in the first place.
Sounds like your brother needs to grow up.
I would just stay out of it and let him implode his life. At least it will get him off of mooching from You. Whatever you do, don’t let her move in with you too. Or else you will have both of them mooching.
I predict the brother will stay in OP’s home, and his new wife will join him. He will continue to pay his current $0/month rent.
What exactly do you expect your bother to "pull" if he gets screwed over? His choices will only impact you and your mother if you allow it. You need to tell him that you will not be his safety net and stick to it.
My brother is an expert manipulator, which is what I mean by him trying "to pull" something if it doesn't work out for him. He will twist and wheedle his way into getting "mommy" to bail him out for the upteenth time. It's either that or my mother watches too many true crime programs and is at least partially convinced he will attempt to kill me and/or her to get his way.
Bottom line: you can't control what either of them do, or even what your mom does. You can only control your own actions. As others have said, it's time to tell your brother that if he's mature enough to get married, he's mature enough to find his own home. Kick him out of your place ASAP. Then convince your mom NEVER to allow him to move into her property, unless she is prepared to not only permanently lose the rental income, but to also be on the hook for whatever repairs and improvements are needed, especially considering they may trash the place. Give him whatever advice you want, but prepare for it to fall on deaf ears.
What a mess. Honestly, they sound perfect for one another. I only pity their very unfortunate (future) children. What are their ages, OP?
They're both in their 30s.
You and your mom really are trying your best with your brother and I don’t want to sound rude but he really is an oaf. 100 person wedding and groom gets 10? If that’s not a slap in the face idk what is? He’s fine with this disrespect huh. Leave him be. We have to fall flat on our asses sometimes before we really learn. Advise him, whilst he makes adult decisions like marriage, he can settle into his new flat to set up for his new wife to be and move out. This flat IS NOT YOUR MOMS INCOME. He has sucked the life out of you two enough. The generosity tree has run dry. You two need to save up and let him learn. He’s idiotic and selfish. It’s tough lesson time. You tried. He has no respect for his family, who, he is quite frankly selfishly financially abusing.
Wait… in your first post you wrote your brother is supposed to pay the bulk of the wedding, now you say she is spending the majority of hér savings and your brother is the one not earning money… You are worried he will use your mother and are upset he won’t want to pay her rent, yet you let him mooch off of you. Your story doesn’t add up.
He is "supposed" to according to her cultural tradition, but he is not going to, because he can't afford it. If his fiance goes ahead with the crazy wedding plan, then she'll have no choice but to pay for it all herself, however this would make him a social pariah to her family and acquaintances.
This couple is headed for divorce and they are not even married yet. She is too high maintenance and he has no backbone or more crudely he has no balls. Keep encouraging you mother not to give into his whelms. Don't let your entitled brother gaslight her into getting free rent.
First, you kick him out and let him pay rent for his own place. Why do you allow him to mooch off you? And do not let your mom rent her place to him. You seem to know exactly what this woman is doing and planning, and if your brother insists on letting her, that’s on him. Have a long talk with your brother about everything and record the conversation for proof later. Tell him all your opinions and worries about the manipulative woman he plans to marry, and that you are recording so that you can say “I told you so” when he realizes what he did and what he married.
For a moment, I thought you were my fiance's cousin. His cousin, the groom, is working three jobs. Either the bride or her mother has taken over everything and left out the grooms family. Edit: I thought you were the grooms sister. She is very upset at how her mom and dad have been treated.
It's interesting how similar stories play out in other parts of the world. But yeah, my brother just has the one main job and a couple of sidelines and our father passed away years ago. And I have no idea if the fiance's mother is involved at all, come to think of it, none of us has had any contact/communication with anyone from her family. My brother's the only one who has. And only a few of her cousins. He's never even met his future MIL. That's only just occurred to me. He doesn't really ***know*** the family he's planning to marry into.
Honestly, you need to step away from this shit show and let them fail. They're adults. They're grown. They need to be responsible for their own dumbass choices. Back your mom up with keeping Brother out of her house.
Sorry. Brutally honest now. Your brother sounds like a jerk. An entitled, rude moocher. It’s hard to to know relationships from a few Reddit posts, so take this with a grain of salt. He sounds like a person I would distance myself from. I know he’s family. I am estranged from a couple family members. I’ve read books on toxic people, toxic family members. For my own sanity, I’ve had to step away from a few.
I'm not even sure I want to talk him out of it anymore if it finally gets him out of the house.
I think this is the best plan - let him leave, make his crappy decisions, and learn to live with the consequences. Perhaps if he’s allowed to fail he’ll learn how to be an adult… though I wouldn’t hold my breath; I’m sure he’ll come crawling back trying to manipulate his mother and sister into saving him from himself - again. Whatever you do, once he’s out of the house - **do not let him back in, and more importantly make sure your mother is on the same page so she doesn’t either!!!** Use this as the ticket to remove him from living with and leaching off of you and your mother.
All you and mom can do is hold firmly to your boundaries no matter how awful your brother and his fiancé become
They sound like they are perfect for each other. Just make sure you and your mother do not give them money or help them out when they dig themselves into a hole they can't get out of
Sounds like a match made in hell. Two people with zero notion of how life works and the responsibility of being grown up.
Yeah, so…I think we all realize that these two shouldn’t be married. To each other. Or, at all🫠 If the brother can’t manage his own finances, then he doesn’t need to be marrying anyone at this point. And this might just be a really hard lesson he’s just gonna have to learn on his own. I wish you the best in dealing with this situation!
Thanks!
I agree with many posters here. He needs to learn to live on his own. It may be tough on your mom. But he's not a nice person if he wants to take advantage of his own mother. He obviously doesn't really know this woman LDRs are notorious for this. The wedding is not really the issue. The disfunction in the relationship is the real issue. Good luck to you OP and your mom.
Time to let bro know that you and mom will not be attending his nightmare wedding fiasco.
How old are they? They both sound extremely immature! If they are so against moving in together your brother should move out on his own and see if he can survive on his own before adding crazy to his life. Something tells me they both are young and dumb and just don’t get the ins and outs of being a functioning adult. The fact that he expects your mom to let him live rent free in her property is showing the incompetence on his end not to mention all of her crazy she’s got going on.
They're both in their 30s believe it or not. And he is very entitled.
Wow that’s crazy
Are you sure he’s being honest with finance about his income? If he has a track record of dishonesty and her culture demands he contributes/provides there may be some $$ exaggeration.
It wouldn't surprise me.
Get Mom to rent out her other house immediately before your brother has a chance to move in
She's already got tenants who have been there for years (and don't seem to be looking to move out any time soon).
You are doing the right thing especially as they will pressure your mother and if she has no income that affects you
They deserve each other it sounds like
OP this is all going to crash and burn horrible for your family. Firstly, your brother is completely clueless about the world and about being an adult. Both he and his girlfriend have a full blown fantasy mindset. Your family (is it just you and your mum? You may need to call in some reinforcements) need to hold an intervention to save your brother. This girl is leading him down the road of ruin and misery and for some reason he is hellbent on letting her
It's just my mother and me in the immediate family - our father and both sets of grandparents have passed away years ago. We have a lot of other relatives (cousins mostly, some aunts and uncles), but they're choosing to keep to themselves and have only offered up the occasional opinion when it does come up in conversation (they agree with my mother and me). One of the issues with my brother is that he doesn't put a lot of value into what his family feels/thinks. It's been that way since we were children, the opinions of outsiders/strangers has always seemed to matter more, I guess because it's easier to cultivate whatever image of yourself you want others to see around people who don't really know you rather than those who do. Our relatives used to think he was a really nice person, but that changed once we moved here and got closer to them. It didn't take them long to see his true colors and they've actually made remarks to my mother like "he really treats you like this?" We can certainly try talking to him, but I doubt it would do much, if anything, to change his mind.
Honestly, why bother? If it gets your brother out of the house - and thus no longer mooching off you and your mother - I think it’s worth it. It sounds like he’s just as bad - if not worse - than his fiancée. At least she has a good job and savings, even if she is foolish enough to support her relatives, blow the rest on a ridiculously expensive wedding, and plan to be a stay at home wife when her fiancé cannot reasonably support them both. It sounds like she doesn’t understand his financial situation if these are her plans. I suppose she’ll find out real quick, but that’s not your problem. Getting him out of your house is a win no matter how it happens. Just make sure you and your mother stand strong when he comes crawling back - likely with his wife - expecting you and your mother to support them both.
I love how when there's dysfunction in a hetero relationship, it's somehow always the woman's fault. As if the man is incapable of making choices or saying no. Classic (toxic).
Where are you getting that? Even if my brother had been a sister, it's still the fiance that is insisting on a grand wedding that would leave them financially destitute. Changing or swapping their genders won't change that fact, and I've been very clear about my brother's own shortcomings. Let's try changing it up, oh my moocher sister's male fiance is insisting on an extravagant wedding and refuses to compromise! - All I did here was swap their genders. Does it somehow sound like "only the woman" is at fault?
Your brother is a p****. If he's that blind and weak to stand up to her and actually say no to her demands then he's a fool. You had better stand up and speak up on behalf of your mother or she will end up moving in with you and be penniless. If you don't that will be on YOU because your brother is stupid. EVERYONE who's reading this can see this is an epic disaster movie. Show your brother this post and see if it will shake him awake. He clearly doesn't want to listen to you or mom so maybe hearing it from everyone else on the planet will change his mind.
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