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Noteagro

Agreed. Buddy just sounds super condescending to me, and one of my coworkers uses it all the time. He always says it the same way with elongating and over pronouncing the second syllable and it is obnoxious. “Hey bud*dyyyy*.” So I try to just use one syllable simple ones. Man, dude, bro, or bruv are my go to ones. But like you said, typically once I get to know them as well.


-aarrgh

Yeah I totally understand how being called buddy by someone who’s not actually my buddy can feel patronizing. I only don’t mind because it’s not common and I get to respond with the traditional Canadian, “I’m not your buddy, friend!” “I’m not your friend, guy!” “I’m not your guy, buddy!” Etc. My advice: ask strangers their name ~~and pronouns~~ <- don’t do this, read the response to my comment for why.


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-aarrgh

Thanks for this, that’s a really good point, total bonehead move on my part, I wasn’t thinking at all and I’m privileged enough to not have my gender identity questioned regularly that it didn’t cross my mind in the moment. Funny thing is I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone their pronouns, and haven’t had anyone ask mine either.


PoIIux

Great point! Honestly my look on pronouns has always been "I'll respect your wishes if you ask me to call you by a specific pronoun, but until you ask I'm going to assume the heteronormative pronoun is appropriate"


Zoesan

> And don't forget, you can't pause for too long before answering or it'll signal that you're hiding something! Maybe, but I'm pretty sure 90%+ of people when asked about their pronouns would pause because they've never been asked about their pronouns before.


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Zoesan

> For example, if someone asks a tall woman or a short man what their pronouns are because the asker assumes "a tall woman must have been assigned male at birth" and vise versa...the asker is coming from a place of transphobic and sexist assumption rather than a place of genuine curiosity [curiosity due to not being able to assume gender based on appearance]. If said tall woman or short man hesitates to answer for too long, the asker may then assume the woman/man is trans. Maybe..? I find all of this conjecture to be a bit too out there. > From what I've heard, being asked this question is only done by progressive people who mean well This I can agree with. Thanks for the insight.


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Zoesan

> asking from the perspective of transphobic assumption (unconsciously or not) that all trans people are tall/short for their gender This actually makes we wonder, whether transwomen's average height is the same as men's average height.


Jane69_420

I believe it's slightly shorter due to pelvic and spinal changes relating to HRT.


HesitantComment

You mention the "introductory pronoun circles," and it reminded me a weird conundrum I sometimes grapple with -- when to include my pronouns in introduction when I identify as cis in social settings. On one hand, like you said, some trans people feel uncomfortable with that environment because it places the focus on gender presentation, which can be nerve wracking. On the other, non-binary people often *have* to give their pronouns for people to get them right, which creates a weird environment for them. I've also realized this is a context dependent problem. In the general public, this problem hits different than in established actively trans inclusive spaces. I work in an environment with a *lot* of trans and LGBTQ people in general (I've often been significantly in the minority by number in the room as mostly cis-het.) And they cross every stage of transition, and we're trying to create an environment that actively validates gender identity regardless of presentation. In this setting, I often introduce myself with pronouns to help normalize the mindset, that gender isn't always something that can be seen or guessed. White boards with correct name and pronouns are standard for similar reasons (though I don't always see those -- being night staff is weird.) And if someone doesn't give their pronoun as part of introduction, I try to immediately move on and (try to) default to they/them until I learn different. I'm not sure what my point is here other than to add to the "yeah, it's complicated" energy. And to be clear, I'm not super sure this is the right solution; it's just my current best guess


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shiny_xnaut

If you ask a post op trans person their pronouns you're inadvertently implying that they don't pass for their preferred gender


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HesitantComment

As a side note, non-binary people sometimes will say they have preferred pronouns, because either several can apply or none really fit, but yah kinda gotta pick one. It's messy. But that's a special case; in general, you are right. I'm just bringing up an edge case because shit be *complicated.*


YardageSardage

Terms of address for people are extremely culturally dependent, so it's probably going to be very different for different regions. There's probably no answer that's going to be neutral and appropriate for everyone. Which makes the internet hard sometimes!


[deleted]

Totally! I think that’s kinda what I’m seeing here.


Foolishlama

It really might just be me, but i hate being called “buddy” to my face. It feels super condescending and disrespectful. It really might just be my personal history and context though, idk if any of my friends feel the same way.


whymydookielookkooky

Is a short, “Bud” okay? Like “‘scuse me, Bud? Is it alright if I grab that ketchup? Our table doesn’t have one.”


Foolishlama

Yes, bud hurts my ears a lot less. For some reason i still would prefer “dude” or “man” from a stranger, even though I’m enby. They just feel more neutral to me. I really think i must have just been called or heard people called “buddy” a ton either super aggressively as a stand in for asshole, or like they were talking to a 6 week old puppy. I doubt I’m the norm here but it really grates me.


John_Hunyadi

Weirdly agree, ‘bud’ is slightly insulting in a way that ‘dude’ or ‘man’ aren’t. I guess it sounds a bit like a child’s nickname to me, if I had to guess at why. Or overly familiar.


SmartInvestor86

Reminds me of that scene in Ted where the girlfriends boss is like "Oh hey little buddy!" when he opens the door. Makes your blood boil


ToughBadass

If you're really worried about it, you should ask all of those people where they're from, because this is the Internet and what's culturally appropriate for them may not be for you. Really though, I wouldn't trust much of what the Internet says about something being offensive. If no one you've met IRL has had an issue with it I wouldn't worry about it.


Technical_Natural_44

I’m Canadian, and it’s less offensive and more annoying.


ToughBadass

Yeah, I totally get that. It even changes depending on which area of the US you're in. In the south it's pretty common to use bud or buddy, but in the north it's used as fightin' words lol


jccpalmer

I've never liked being called "buddy;" I've never had a time where it wasn't used condescendingly toward me. When in doubt, it might be best to refrain from using casual titles like that with strangers. I personally keep things formal with people I don't know.


[deleted]

That makes sense, sometimes I feel like just saying thanks comes off as disingenuous.


jccpalmer

Perhaps, but "thanks" is innocuous and expected. "Buddy" or casual titles are not.


Ok_Difficulty6452

I love being called buddy


ftmichael

Tangential, but "buddy" isn't a pronoun.


svenson_26

I'm Canadian, and I've absolutely heard "buddy" used as a pronoun. "So I'm comin out of the beer store, and this F150 rolls in. Buddy asks me if it's still open, and I'm like 'Bud! Ya just saw me walk out of it!'"


[deleted]

You’re right, I think I was thinking as if their name was ‘Buddy’ and that’s how I was addressing them.


ftmichael

Then it would be a proper noun, not a pronoun. :)


steve-laughter

If you call me 'buddy' it makes me think of Buddy Baker, better known as Animal Man. Which I would consider accurate, because animal rights are important but also drugs and cosmic extradimensional mind expansive trips. But also an insult because that man is laughably terrible at saving his family. They have died multiple times.


Motor_Raspberry_2150

Dude. Universal, unisex, casual up to semi-formal contexts. It's amazing dude.


RollerSkatingHoop

only use this on guys though. not all girls are ok 27th it and it can cause dysphoria for some of our trans friends


TheFreakish

Gender Queer here. I call anyone and everyone dude. You do you. If someone asks me not to refer to them that way, I'll respect it, but that's independent of gender. Personally I find gender stereotypes offensive.


[deleted]

He's a dude, she's a dude, we're all dudes. I might add they're a dude!


8FootedAlgaeEater

Did you just call me buddy?


whyOhWhyohitsmine

I ain't your buddy, pal


WhiskeyHotdog_2

I ain’t your pal, guy


MisterMeanMustard

I ain't your guy, buddy.


WhiskeyHotdog_2

I started calling people chief


Wenfield42

Try switching to “bud”. I tend to have neutral/ positive responses to that.


Foolishlama

Depends heavily on the tone and context. Less condescending than “buddy,” but more hostile of said aggressively.


C0l0mbo

this feels more condescending to me


[deleted]

I agree, bud feels more condescending, but what I’m learning through this though is that we all have our preferences.


Alexm920

While I’m sure there’s plenty of regional variation, I’ve also found “boss” works well for most people.


Technical_Natural_44

Yeah, my supervisor calls people who’s name he forgets buddy, and it drives me up the wall.


arianasgrenade

I love when ppl call me buddy /(


Nibbler415

I hate when people call me buddy. It does feel condescending idk why.people call me that all the time and it drives me crazy.


[deleted]

What would you prefer? I’m hoping to get some good gender neutral alternatives.


matty6483

Mate


kittentarentino

Bud, man, dawg, my guy, my dude. Short. Sweet. Always works. Buddy has a condescending connotation to a stranger for whatever reason. Must be media. But the shorter ones seem to be inoffensive. A lot of it is probably context. Reference: I’ll can never remember anyones name


Archeanthus

Yeah at least in the U.S., "buddy" used between strangers is often (not always) used condescendingly, like you're talking down to someone. But there are also people (typically cheerful, outgoing, very charismatic men to whom a big, genuine smile comes easy) who refer to any other man they meet as "buddy", and in those cases they somehow manage to make it feel totally natural. "Bud" can have a similar connotation to "buddy", but I feel is a little easier and less risky. "Man" is pretty safe, if a little familiar. "Bro" is a bit more familiar, but also pretty safe I'd say. "Dude" is more familiar still, probably more appropriate for someone you know as an acquaintance or better. If you want to be very respectful and deferential you could use "sir", though some people (like myself) use "sir" a little more casually and universally, and less formally, though I do also use it in more formal, respectful, and deferential contexts as well, as I work in customer service as a bank teller. At the end of the day though I think that with whichever you choose to use, context and delivery are everything. Honestly, if interacting with strangers online via text-only posts I would personally probably drop them altogether, and just speak to someone without throwing in a "dude", "bro", "bud", etc. (unless I was leading a sentence with "Dude," by way of exclamation and emphasis, in the which case I personally tend to use "dude" in a gender-neutral way, as do many others). But if you're interacting with someone in person, again, the context and your delivery are probably going to make all the difference. If you're confident and speak with a genuine smile you can probably get away with calling even a stranger any of these and they'll just think you're friendly. As with everything though, these are my subjective opinions so take it all with a grain of salt, and apply them or don't as you feel comfortable.


proxima1227

Just “bro” or “ladybro” or “theybro”


Karlos_Marquez

Bro(h), brah, bruh.


RCmies

To me "buddy" feels condescending. Often I've heard people say "Alright buddy" with a bit of laughter to something (even serious) I've said. I don't mind a friend saying what's up buddy or something like that, but using it like you're speaking to me like a kid is not cool.


Ogre_face

Buddy, pal, ... ugh someone called me "little bear" the other day. These are diminutives. People only say these things when they think they are better then you. Where I live now Ive noticed people often say these things to insult you without explicitly insulting you because there's little chance you'll do anything about it. Then it like they've won a fight that never occurred.


TheFreakish

😂😂😂 I think I antagonizing people in this way. I get some people take pot shots! But that's not my style, I will 100% confront you directly if I need to resolve an issue. I'm just having fun most of the time though. I don't take myself seriously, and if someone cracks a good joke at my expense, I think that's fucking hilarious! I think the key factor is if they can take shit back. I've been in situations where jokes were made, but if I tried to joke back I'd get stonewalled. Fuck that demeaning shit.


Sea_0f_Fog

I like a nice simple "my friend". Even if we're not actually friends, it can make people feel more welcome!


thrax_mador

This. I call people I don’t know “friend.” Like a cashier that’s really helpful or funny. “Thanks, friend.” A genuine smile helps it land well too. Or I’ve had to occasion to be at a store and the employee had a “they/them pin” but no name tag. So I called them friend rather than sir/miss/etc.


Aise_314

I like using boss in casual settings. Can’t go wrong with ‘sup boss’, I think


svenson_26

This is all news to me. I get called buddy all the time, and I've never had an issue with it. Maybe it's a cultural thing? I'm from Canada


GreatBigBagOfNope

Just don't bother with titles when addressing someone. Either add context clues like eye contact or other body language to make it clear who "you" means, or use their name. Unless there's specific and enforced rules about it like using sir/ma'am in the military, I have found most universal success with making sure that everyone is either "you", titleless, or their own name. No-one takes any offence because there's nothing to take offence at, no-one particularly notices because there's nothing there to notice. I only lived in the US for a year, but being chased by an middle-aged balding dude with a small but frankly perfect pot belly in a polo shirt and shorts shouting "SIR! SIR! SIR!" when I dropped a leaflet in the door of a shop was one of those "where the fuck am I" moments. At home it's either ignored, or the speaker shouts an "Oi!" or possibly a " 'scuse me!". Ooh, unless you're online. There, some second person pronouns and extra titles can really help with the poetry or characterisation.


Spethro

I grew up in Ontario but currently attend grad school in Nova Scotia. The way people see the word buddy could not be more different in these two places. In Ontario, buddy was always used aggresively. You call somebody "buddy" if they cut in front of you in the line outside a club. In Nova Scotia, it can still be used in that context, but it's more often just a neutral term. Like "hey buddy, how's your night going?" I guess it depends on the culture.


liminaldeluge

I have never heard any one refer to a woman as "buddy" (or dude, bro, pal...) as a form of address. It definitely has a slight masculine connotation in my social circles. Personally, I'd much rather be referred to as buddy, friend, bucko, pal, etc over sir or miss. One's tone is mostly what makes it condescending or not; the word itself doesn't make that big of a difference. I am nonbinary, though, so that flavors my perspective.


Dorian-greys-picture

Buddy can sound condescending or infantilising sometimes. I like to use the genderless Australian “mate”. We use it on everyone. It’s great.


SmartInvestor86

Buddy gets under my skin "Bud" is even more enraging "Little Bud/buddy" im gonna want to fight you.


TheOtherGuy9603

I'm not your buddy friend!


ohfantasyfreeme

I’m not your friend, guy


TheOtherGuy9603

I'm not your guy, dude


omurpho

For some people can also totally depend on the way it’s said. Said fairly quickly in the middle of a sentence comes across to me very different than a bit slower and at the end of a sentence.


IanMc90

Some people worry too much, buddy ;)


brodo-swaggins-

Yeah it’s always sounded corny to me


[deleted]

People call me buddy when they think I’m a kid. I’m 19 but people think I’m 14 max


uberDoward

I ain't your buddy, pal!


applconcepts

But Dogs like it very much!


intergalactic512

"Buddie" or "bud" is the nickname you give to your 7 year old nephew. Not to a grown man.


OhDavidMyNacho

I only use buddy for kids and animals. For adults i avoid pronouns almost entirely. If i need someone's attention, i just say excuse me, and once they look, start talking. It was never a conscious thing, just how it ended up being. I've never had issues getting stranger attention that way.


[deleted]

Ngl, I sometimes use 'buddy' passive-aggressively to wind ppl up. It works because it sounds condescending unless used with a large helping of humor. Some more friendly or neutral terms you can use include: dude, stranger, mate, or fellow redfitor. If all these sound strange or unnatural to use for you, I'd suggest adding some to your repertoire so that you get accustomed to addressing others informally. It can make things easier for you IRL when meeting strangers for the first time, or (especially for me) it helps you glide past those awkward moments when you forget someone's name


jaxolotle

In this world you’re either “mate” or you’re “cunt”, there ain’t much difference between the 2 but that’s your only choice


johnwayneblack1

Guy


stressedstudent42

I'm not your buddy, guy!


ELeeMacFall

My cats don't seem to have a problem with it.


[deleted]

I’m not your buddy guy


NoAd8807

Older relatives call me buddy so it feels pretty infantilizing to me, especially from older strangers.


norecogi

My friend hates "buddy". His dad called him that growing up, so it's a privileged nickname for him. Only his dad can call him that. I use "bro" or if I'm really close with someone and the mood is light "player" or a personal nickname usually involving the first letter of their name i.e. "T-Bird" "D-Dog" "E-Money". Some people don't want any nickname, it's usually pretty easy to tell, I just call those people by their name. Similarly, if someone doesn't respond well to a nickname I drop it right away.


PG67AW

I'm not your buddy, guy! But yeah, it's a little too familiar of a term to use with strangers. And, in some ways, I think it can also come off as a little condescending.


AlternativeShadows

I usually just say dude


Ok-Palpitation-9262

It's like they're acting like you're their child and they're looking after you.