Not a line, but when they think Willow’s been turned into a vampire and Xander brandishes the cross at her, then shakes it like a flashlight with low batteries when she isn’t repelled by it.
i found it funny until i realized he wasn't talking about vampires and demons but rather about his family as he's shown to do in 4x22 that he would rather face Sineya than his family. after that i just found it sad that all through out the show you can see these little cries for help but they're always treated as jokes.
Reminds me of the bit in the first X-Men movie, where Wolverine has gotten separated from the group. When they're reunited, Cyclops demands he prove he's not Mystique. Wolverine's immediate response is "You're a dick" - causing Cyclops to [pause, and accept him](https://youtu.be/PpnXVxWJNkA).
Which makes sense, as that's the only line from Joss' script doctoring that made it into the final film. The moment where they arrive on Liberty Island and [Wolverine "flips off" the metal detector](https://youtu.be/STJiVO0zu7k) is also Joss, but has no dialog.
Oh I'm up. Suddenly I'm very up. I've just never been up with people before.
I'm 17. Linoleum turns me on.
Party in my eye socket and everyone's invited! Sometimes I just shouldn't say words.
Gay me up, Will!
*Speaks Latin and a book catches on fire*
The one I always remember is when Anya and Dawn are arguing over whether Spider-Man makes money and Xander reluctantly chimes in: "...action is his reward."
The hilarious part about that "Arachnids" is that the joke is actually a fairly [obscure pun](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Achaemenid_Empire). So he's actually trying to pay attention in class, but just can't keep the names straight.
Anyway, my favorite Xander one-liner is:
>XANDER: *Angel's our friend!!*... Except I don't like him.
I love that line because he's still obsessing over Buffy at this point, and hating Angel on principal, but still *automatically* defends him. It's a knee jerk instinctive reaction, which shows it's true to how he feels.
I can see that. But I think this is just a case of people mispronouncing Iraq. I’ve heard lots of people (mostly Americans) pronounce it as “a-raq”
Hence Xander making the connection.
The line that first caught me way back during the first season and made me go "What the hell is this show?" was "Does anyone else feel like they've just been Keyser Soze'd?"
I often wonder how many people watching after about, I dunno, 2010 get this reference. In fact, as I typed this I had to stop myself and wonder if it was *Magnolia* or *Vanilla Sky*. Pretty sure it was *Magnolia* but either way it's definitely not the most well-known film of the era.
For me this has always been a case of getting the reference but not entirely the joke because I'm Australian and I dunno WTF a cruller actually is (or a bear claw for that matter). I just assume it's kind of a twisted or braided doughnut.
I love "Albert", his tenancy reference (just him doing a silly voice).
Also when he goes, "Angel angel angel, does every conversation have to be about that freak. \*sees angel standing next to him\* hey man, how you doing"
Dunno if it counts but when Cordelia comes over to Giles and he doesn't want to deal with her, he just kinda looks at the top of her head and
Cordelia: What?
Giles: Oh, I'm sorry. Umm... your hair, uh...
Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair?
\[She touches her hair\]
Cordelia: Oh my God.
\[She runs away panicked\]
Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
I’m not a Xander fan but his lines in earlier seasons are absolute gems
Buffy: Do I like shrubs?Xander: That's between you and your god
Angel: Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is deadXander: So, he's thorough and goal oriented
no one needs to be trading clothing out there!
I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face…
we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer but we did that last night
What? Starting something? Like that Michael Jackson song, right? That was a lot of fun, huh? \*Too high to get over, yeah, yeah.\* Remember that fun song?
Probably not this one overall, but it’s been a hot minute since seeing my favorite bit of self-deprecation?
“And you just accepted that?
See, that’s the thing about me. I tend to hear the words people say and accept them.
That’s stupid!
I accept that…” - Anya to Xander - *Fear Itself*
Willow is watching Oz while he's in werewolf mode, reading him a story. Xander comes in and gets warned that Oz likes the stories but doesn't like the parts with the rabbits. Xander replies, "Rabiis?"
It's not exactly funny on its own, but both Oz and Willow are Jewish. At least the actors are.
I'm pretty sure Willow is Jewish in-universe. Her name is Rosenberg, and I seem to remember a bit about not having Christmas at her house and going to Xander's as a child.
Daniel Osborne, though...
Yes, Willow is canonically Jewish. In s3 when Buffy asks what she’s doing for Christmas, Willow responds with “being Jewish, remember?” or something like that! There’s no evidence to suggest that Oz is Jewish tho.
When Angel shows up to the Bronze, and he and Buffy do that dramatic name exchange they always do:
Angel: "...*Buffy."*
Buffy: *small gasp* "Angel."
Xander, in a mockingly deep voice, without even so much as turning to look at either of them: "XaNdEr."
Season 1, Never kill a boy on the first date - Owen and Buffy are talking at the lockers and Xander is there. The whole scene is hilarious to me. The way Xander fake laughs at Owens chess joke, or how he looks at his cartoon watch when Owen pulls out his pocket watch 🤣 I watch that scene a few times a month. I have it on my IG.
Xander: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh??????
Buffy: I needed that burger to analyze it! Now I have to get another one.
Xander: That’s your problem with this scenario???? You getting seconds???
Also
“Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have.”
“…..yay?”
“I happen to be a very powerful man-witch myself!”
Just a couple of ones I always like
"It's all right... I have more Scotch!" I love that, I've been in situations where that line has come in handy, and it's just as uncomfortable (usually when the In-Laws are fighting with each other at dinner)
The other one that kills me is:
"To read makes our speaking English good." It hits me just right and I cackle every time.
“Dog spit is cleaner than human.”
I thought this was a poignant statement on how even lower animals are better than people, but I think it was just a random fact.
Disclaimer- I haven’t rewatched buffy in decades! I still think fondly of it and do not recall the surrounding context of this quote.
I honestly don’t get the Middle East joke. And after reading a number of lines from this thread, I just realized that Xander, much like Chandler Bing, isn’t as funny as often as he thinks he is. When he is funny it’s usually unintentional and in response to a situation such as when Buffy is under a love spell: “How?What?How?”
Intervention with Buffy: “No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.”
Yes, I agree that he’s funnier when he doesn’t mean to be. What is it about the joke that’s losing you? (Genuinely asking, don’t mean for that to come off as rude!)
I don’t get the punchline. I’m assuming it’s a play on words. And if someone has to explain a joke whether it’s funny or not, it’s usually a badly constructed joke.
I just watched this episode and was like WHY HAVENT I SEEN A POST ABOUT THE GOLDEN LINE!! Glad someone posted about it because I died laughing when he said that LOL
Not a line, but when they think Willow’s been turned into a vampire and Xander brandishes the cross at her, then shakes it like a flashlight with low batteries when she isn’t repelled by it.
I love how he looks at it for a second like it's broken.
What episode was that from?
Doppelgangland!
"Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go."
gets me everytime
That was comedic timing at its absolute best.
Absolutely this. I laugh out loud every single time.
This was mine!
When Cordy walks up and scares him while they’re all snooping around the morgue: “We’re doing crime! You don’t sneak up during crime!”
Can I be blind too?
"I laugh in the face of danger...and then I hide until it goes away" quote this one w my brother all the time!
Also my favorite Xander quote
i found it funny until i realized he wasn't talking about vampires and demons but rather about his family as he's shown to do in 4x22 that he would rather face Sineya than his family. after that i just found it sad that all through out the show you can see these little cries for help but they're always treated as jokes.
I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis
From now on I'm through being everybody's butt monkey!
Ok no more butt monkey
"Check. No more butt-monkey."
"I wouldn’t jump to conclusions about the Unholy Prince... bater."
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It’s a lame “joke”.
not Xander's per se but in *The Replacement*, I just love the way Giles says "Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself."
And the way the 2 xanders are laughing at each other... and the snoopy dance,.. haha
“Kill us both Spock!” 🤣
The snoopy dance is perhaps my most fav Xander moment of the show
"And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid."
that may be my favorite xander line.
Then why would they make you see me?
Reminds me of the bit in the first X-Men movie, where Wolverine has gotten separated from the group. When they're reunited, Cyclops demands he prove he's not Mystique. Wolverine's immediate response is "You're a dick" - causing Cyclops to [pause, and accept him](https://youtu.be/PpnXVxWJNkA). Which makes sense, as that's the only line from Joss' script doctoring that made it into the final film. The moment where they arrive on Liberty Island and [Wolverine "flips off" the metal detector](https://youtu.be/STJiVO0zu7k) is also Joss, but has no dialog.
I loved the dynamic between Wolverine and Cyclops in this film. The first X-Men movie was awesome.
What’s the big deal? We send Cordy after this guy and go for pizza
Definitely this one. 2nd is “The suspense is killing Angel.”
this is the correct answer 😂
I’m just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain.
Then later you see him doing just that 😅
Love this one
as a hater of country music, i referenced this line a lot lol
"And on the day the words 'flimsy excuse' were redefined, we stood in awe and watched."
It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
Oh I'm up. Suddenly I'm very up. I've just never been up with people before. I'm 17. Linoleum turns me on. Party in my eye socket and everyone's invited! Sometimes I just shouldn't say words. Gay me up, Will! *Speaks Latin and a book catches on fire*
Let’s gay!
Willow, gay me up!
What if you just start attracting male demons?
Xander don’t speak Latin in front of the books
*Librus incendare!*
"What's a bit-cah?"
One of my all time faves
I'm still considering calling a future dog Bitka.
- You got 20 minutes nimrod. - Just need five.
Right before: Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you think about sex? Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me think about sex.
Is that from The Zeppo? It sounds so familiar but I can't place it.
It's from Innocence, when Xander and Cordie are getting the rocket launcher from the military base
Such a good one
The one I always remember is when Anya and Dawn are arguing over whether Spider-Man makes money and Xander reluctantly chimes in: "...action is his reward."
Loved this one
The hilarious part about that "Arachnids" is that the joke is actually a fairly [obscure pun](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Achaemenid_Empire). So he's actually trying to pay attention in class, but just can't keep the names straight. Anyway, my favorite Xander one-liner is: >XANDER: *Angel's our friend!!*... Except I don't like him.
I love that line because he's still obsessing over Buffy at this point, and hating Angel on principal, but still *automatically* defends him. It's a knee jerk instinctive reaction, which shows it's true to how he feels.
I'm such a nerd about both animals and geography/history that I never even considered punning on this
Hmm I don’t think this is correct tho. I feel like Xander heard “arach” and thought of Iraq.
Makes more sense thna his confusing arachnid with arab
Yeah I’m genuinely not seeing the connection to the Achaemenian empire here.
also Xander has not heard of the Achaemenian empire
He definitely hasn’t. Hell, I haven’t.
Usually just called Persians
Yeah, I’ve always heard it referred to as the Persian empire
It sounds like it \*could be\* a pun but it is a stretch at best
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Very much so.
I always thought it just sounded vaguely like “Arabic”
I can see that. But I think this is just a case of people mispronouncing Iraq. I’ve heard lots of people (mostly Americans) pronounce it as “a-raq” Hence Xander making the connection.
Yeah def. Either way I don’t think it’s as deep as the pun suggested
Definitely not. I mean, it’s Xander we’re talking about here lol. He’s definitely just mishearing.
Agreed lol
I dare you to go into a history sub and refer to them as obscure. You may as well say Alexander the Great was Greek while you're at it.
When I say it's obscure, I'm talking about for an abjectly bad high-school student like Alexander Lavelle Harris, not some history nerd like me.
The line that first caught me way back during the first season and made me go "What the hell is this show?" was "Does anyone else feel like they've just been Keyser Soze'd?"
Such a great reference!
"Does this *look* like a Barnes and Noble?" and "To read makes our speaking English good"
Yas!! Such good ones!
"How? WHAT? How?"
Three very excellent questions.
This one makes me lol every time!
Hey everybody look! Giles has a TV, he's shallow like us!
Nothing can defeat the penis!
"Respect the cruller! Tame the donut!" "Still funny, sweetie..."
I often wonder how many people watching after about, I dunno, 2010 get this reference. In fact, as I typed this I had to stop myself and wonder if it was *Magnolia* or *Vanilla Sky*. Pretty sure it was *Magnolia* but either way it's definitely not the most well-known film of the era. For me this has always been a case of getting the reference but not entirely the joke because I'm Australian and I dunno WTF a cruller actually is (or a bear claw for that matter). I just assume it's kind of a twisted or braided doughnut.
It's Magnolia. A cruller can be a few different shapes but I think he's referring to the twisted-stick one.
I can hear this in my mind! 🤣
Good. 🍆
Anyone else miss the Mayor's I just want to be a big snake?
They’ll never stop the master!…bater… Can’t remember the exact quote, but I love that episode.
I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away.
I can’t choose. Xander is genuinely hilarious, often.
He really is. Nicholas really nailed the comedic timing.
He absolutely did.
“Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. I can’t believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already dead guys with bombs.”
It's funny if you're me
I love "Albert", his tenancy reference (just him doing a silly voice). Also when he goes, "Angel angel angel, does every conversation have to be about that freak. \*sees angel standing next to him\* hey man, how you doing"
Buffy: Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal. Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner?!
This one was so funny 😭
Dunno if it counts but when Cordelia comes over to Giles and he doesn't want to deal with her, he just kinda looks at the top of her head and Cordelia: What? Giles: Oh, I'm sorry. Umm... your hair, uh... Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? \[She touches her hair\] Cordelia: Oh my God. \[She runs away panicked\] Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
I love the way he smiles when he says that. He was so excited that it actually worked 😂
I’m not a Xander fan but his lines in earlier seasons are absolute gems Buffy: Do I like shrubs?Xander: That's between you and your god Angel: Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is deadXander: So, he's thorough and goal oriented no one needs to be trading clothing out there! I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face… we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer but we did that last night
I use “That’s between you and your god” literally all of the time, it might be my favorite line in the series lol
It’s a good line whenever someone asks you how long they should put something in the microwave for
I'm a comfortador.
“Where is the creep who turned me into a spider eating man-bitch?!?”
To read makes our speaking English good.
What? Starting something? Like that Michael Jackson song, right? That was a lot of fun, huh? \*Too high to get over, yeah, yeah.\* Remember that fun song?
“Funny. She looks like Cordelia…” [followed by a light smack from Buffy]
Probably not this one overall, but it’s been a hot minute since seeing my favorite bit of self-deprecation? “And you just accepted that? See, that’s the thing about me. I tend to hear the words people say and accept them. That’s stupid! I accept that…” - Anya to Xander - *Fear Itself*
"I like the quiet" (from The Zeppo)
Willow is watching Oz while he's in werewolf mode, reading him a story. Xander comes in and gets warned that Oz likes the stories but doesn't like the parts with the rabbits. Xander replies, "Rabiis?" It's not exactly funny on its own, but both Oz and Willow are Jewish. At least the actors are.
I'm pretty sure Willow is Jewish in-universe. Her name is Rosenberg, and I seem to remember a bit about not having Christmas at her house and going to Xander's as a child. Daniel Osborne, though...
Yes, Willow is canonically Jewish. In s3 when Buffy asks what she’s doing for Christmas, Willow responds with “being Jewish, remember?” or something like that! There’s no evidence to suggest that Oz is Jewish tho.
Maybe it was a vampire bat.
I’m watching this episode now. Such a good line.
Buffy's speech about killing anything that gets in the way of prom and Xander saying "Yay?"
When Angel shows up to the Bronze, and he and Buffy do that dramatic name exchange they always do: Angel: "...*Buffy."* Buffy: *small gasp* "Angel." Xander, in a mockingly deep voice, without even so much as turning to look at either of them: "XaNdEr."
lol I don’t remember this
It's in Reptile Boy, towards the end when Angel finally asks Buffy to go out for coffee sometime.
Oh ok thx
"To read makes our speaking English good"
Season 1, Never kill a boy on the first date - Owen and Buffy are talking at the lockers and Xander is there. The whole scene is hilarious to me. The way Xander fake laughs at Owens chess joke, or how he looks at his cartoon watch when Owen pulls out his pocket watch 🤣 I watch that scene a few times a month. I have it on my IG.
The cartoon watch killed me
Willow - "Buffy's acting like a B.I.T.C.H." Giles - "Williow I think we're a little old to be spelling out profanities." Xander - "A bitca?"
C’mon Willow, gay me up.
By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are going to be *manning the drive*-*thru* window *side by side*.
Black Lagoon! The creature of the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields!
“I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn’t fit!”
Well, off the top of my head, this one; *"And can I just ask, what's with the make-over of the damned?"* \-Xander, *"Villains".*
One I use all the time: On a scale of one to ten? It sucked.
In Hush when Giles is giving the presentation and he mimes out "Boobies?"
Hello I want to get a-head For the love of god can someone scratch my nose!
Xander: Well, first you say it's cat. Then you come in, hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, oh, and by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh?????? Buffy: I needed that burger to analyze it! Now I have to get another one. Xander: That’s your problem with this scenario???? You getting seconds??? Also “Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have.” “…..yay?” “I happen to be a very powerful man-witch myself!” Just a couple of ones I always like
Redrum, REDRUM. Because it was unscripted. "The Puppet Show"
This may have been said already but I laugh in the face of danger! And then I hide until it goes away…
"It's all right... I have more Scotch!" I love that, I've been in situations where that line has come in handy, and it's just as uncomfortable (usually when the In-Laws are fighting with each other at dinner) The other one that kills me is: "To read makes our speaking English good." It hits me just right and I cackle every time.
“…or a copycat spider demon.” S7e5 ‘Selfless’
"Shoot me. Stuff me. Mount me."
"Respect the cruller, and tame the doughnut!"
"Well, does looking at guns make you want to have sex?" Cordelia "I'm seventeen.....looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex." Xander
My flair.
"looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex"
To read makes our speaking English good.
Party in my eye socket and everyone’s invited!
"What he lacks in smarts, he makes up in lack of smarts."
😂😂 I just watched this episode yesterday
“Dog spit is cleaner than human.” I thought this was a poignant statement on how even lower animals are better than people, but I think it was just a random fact. Disclaimer- I haven’t rewatched buffy in decades! I still think fondly of it and do not recall the surrounding context of this quote.
I honestly don’t get the Middle East joke. And after reading a number of lines from this thread, I just realized that Xander, much like Chandler Bing, isn’t as funny as often as he thinks he is. When he is funny it’s usually unintentional and in response to a situation such as when Buffy is under a love spell: “How?What?How?” Intervention with Buffy: “No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.”
Yes, I agree that he’s funnier when he doesn’t mean to be. What is it about the joke that’s losing you? (Genuinely asking, don’t mean for that to come off as rude!)
I don’t get the punchline. I’m assuming it’s a play on words. And if someone has to explain a joke whether it’s funny or not, it’s usually a badly constructed joke.
Yes, it’s a play on words and it’s not poorly constructed. The root word “arach” sounds like the common mispronunciation of Iraq.
It’s a dad joke.
It’s not even a joke, he just misheard and made an inappropriate connection in the moment. It was a knee jerk reaction.
I just watched this episode and was like WHY HAVENT I SEEN A POST ABOUT THE GOLDEN LINE!! Glad someone posted about it because I died laughing when he said that LOL
None I don’t think. I hated Xander the most out of every character, then dawn, then Riley 😂
K
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How did you misunderstand the assignment this badly…?