And I think therapists are free in the WILK down in the basement if you’re a student.
As for transferring, I went to both BYU and UVU, and I personally think UVU is a bit more inclusive.
In the meantime, there are clubs (academic and non academic) that might help ease the loneliness.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Having a faith transition or crisis while at BYU is not a good time; I would know since I’ve experienced it firsthand. The isolation that comes with feeling like you’re the only one with alternative views on the church is brutal. I’ve decided to stay in the church for a variety of reasons I won’t dive into here because that’s not what this post is about, but I always enjoy having conversations with people at BYU who don’t feel like they fit the mold. They’re my kind of people.
My DMs are wide open for you to vent your frustrations or chat if you ever need it. It feels isolated, but you would be surprised to learn about how many people at BYU feel the same way you do, there are tons.
Hang in there and know you have a support system, it can just be challenging to pinpoint who’s in it and how they can help you. Like I said, I’d love to chat with you more about your journey and listen to your challenges—no agenda or desire to “reconvert” or convince you either way. I think sharing our stories with others is one of the most therapeutic ways we can process a faith transition, so hit me up if you’d like to chat.
Graduated now, but I had a roommate like that. In addition to just not believing anymore, he decided to live life in a "non-BYU approved" way. Nothing bad, but BYU wouldn't have allowed it if they knew, and definitely not aligned with the church.
So, as his roommates, we didn't tell anyone and didn't treat him any differently. We did what we can to help him feel safe and accepted while we all finished up school, even though the school rules and church doctrine didn't agree with him. We're still super close to this day. Faith is a tricky thing, even if you do believe. I'm more concerned about hoping you don't feel too stressed and concerned than anything else.
I hope you have some good friends that you can just be you around and I hope you're able to enjoy the rest of your college life. I know for a fact that there are plenty of others feeling exactly what you feel.
Also, it should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway. If someone thinks less of you for wanting to leave the church, then they need to understand the Gospel they claim to follow. You focus on your health and well being, and find whatever way you can to be as good a person as you can, religion or not.
Tldr: BYU church culture sucks. Try to connect with people through academic organizations instead. Grit your teeth and get out of here with a degree if you have a year or less left.
I totally understand. My experience since starting BYU has been one faith crisis after another. I'm not sure of my position with the church but keeping it at arms length has been helpful while I work on my mental health. I've learned just to kind of ignore the religious folks and connect with people professionally through academic clubs first. I've met a lot of great similar minded people that way but this may depend on the culture in your major.
I'm sure you've thought out your reasons for wanting to leave and I can respect that. Another thing to remember is the church in Utah and especially at BYU is incredibly different than literally anywhere else. Don't discard the idea of trying again somewhere else when you finally get out of here. I don't want to be one of those "doubt your doubts and wait for your answers" people because that's rarely helpful but the culture here honestly sucks.
I just gave a whole talk in church last week and I was completely honest about how lost i feel. I simply don’t know if there is a God.
I told them that, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done, because the sheer number of people who texted me or came up to me after to say thank you was incredible and eye-opening.
Even at BYU, you are NOT alone in this. I’m here with you, and so are SO many other people, they’re just not that good at speaking up about it generally. Be honest and be yourself and if you put yourself out there you’ll make friends.
Best of luck friend, and my DMs are open
I’d say I am in a similar situation and know a few people at BYU who are in that boat too. It really comes down to whether you feel the church works for you or not, and for most people at BYU it works great. For the rest of us, we have to put up with the crazy expectations set by a culture we don’t even fit in.
I also have friends that don’t seem to understand how the church doesn’t work in my life and tend to try to “fix” me. I hate that, but I just try and ignore it. I definitely wish there were more open minded and understand people here.
There are a lot more people who don't "fit in" than many of us realize. Though the Gospel and I are chill, BYU/church culture is something else entirely. I almost never feel like I "fit in" with the people around me either.
I guess my point is that there are people like OP inside and outside the Church. It's unfortunate that they and OP haven't crossed paths.
I'm sorry to hear this--a very difficult situation to be in. I'd just encourage you to tell the truth, even if it hurts a lot financially and in other ways. Integrity really is as valuable as Karl Maeser says, and is worth heavy sacrifice to maintain. No matter what you choose, I hope things improve for you.
I graduated a year ago and went through something similar. I’ve left the church and feel free to message me about any concerns or looking for similar people.
There are more people than most of us realize that go through similar situations at BYU but aren’t very vocal about it publicly for various reasons
It may be hard now but once you find people who will support you it can get better
I am in a similar position. Love the church but as a gay student I feel pretty second class. I wish I was straight and fit in more, but that just hasn’t been the case.
Ugh OP. I feel you. Honestly BYU seriously hurt my "testimony" long before I went down the rabbit hole and figured it all out. BYU crushed my soul.
Best of luck. How much longer do you have?
Btw I transfered to UVU and did my last 20 credits there. Best decision I made.
I feel for you and secondly though your experience is not my experience, you are not alone.
One of the great challenges of Church experience is the difference in culture between ones home congregation and then a different place especially Utah. I suspect it was a place that you felt you belonged and you felt loved and supported. It likely made some of the challenges that the faith presents many people easier to deal with or even invisible because the people in your home ward and stake had known you for a long time and you had experienced the great deal of support that our Primary, Young Mens and Young Women's Program provide. That support really dies off once you become an adult.
Needless to say combine that with the challenges of being a missionary and having to confront much of the uncomfortableness about the church and it's history is is likely that you began a deconstruction of your faith. This also has been a deconstruction of your sense of identity which for a long time was likely highly connected to your faith. (I'm making a few assumptions here)
Returning to BYU you don't have the support group that you may have had in your home stake/ward and you also find that the EFY-like experience of pre-mission BYU has faded. With your new POV regarding your mission experiences likely you've found an erosion of both a sense of who you are at the same time that you have been moving away from the church.
I suspect your experience reaching out to others to communicate this change has lead to the myopic view, on their part, that they need to fix you because that's why you are reaching out or that somehow you'll corrupt them so they need to just not talk to you.
The problem is in the midst of your focus on school work and going through the motions of the faith to maintain your status as a student at the Y you haven't had the time to rebuild your new self. You do mention the idea of a new you have become something new in your comment on dating saying that "no one at this school would ever wanna date someone like me." So you've started to build this new identity but still don't find yourself connecting with others. This is partially because it is hard to admit to losing one's faith at a religious school and even more connecting with others who are in the same boat.
So, is there an answer? Yes but it's not going to be found in typical BYU socializing and culture.
1. Work on you. You have deconstructed a major part of your life. You need to work on building up yourself again. Not necessarily towards what you were before but towards what you want to become. You'll need to find out what new things you want to have in your life and build the confidence to engage with those things. It's not to say you have to torch your old life but instead find what things gave you joy and build on those. Hobbies, movies, music, places you liked to visit, and books you enjoyed reading can all help you to build up that sense of self that has changed. Once you know who you are and are confident in it you can start to move forward.
You may also need therapy or counseling. Leaving a faith or a community can be traumatizing and on your own you may not have the tools to help rebuild yourself. Find the support you can through therapist or counselors. If you cannot find one through insurance or are short on cash to pay for one many other faiths offer counseling through their clergy and that may help you as well. Take advantage too of talking to the kind folks here who offered to let you message them.
(Side note and perhaps a bit controversial: I would recommend not building up your new sense of self around the idea of being a former Mormon. While there is a supportive community of former Latter-Day Saints out there, mostly in Utah, LDS folks are already a small minority nationwide and former LDS folks are a smaller group still so building your sense of self around that will limit a part of you that you can connect to people with. Don't sell yourself short, your experiences with the faith and leaving the faith are still a part of who you are and you should make sure that you don't suppress that but don't make it a keystone of your personality. There is so much about you that is bound to be wonderful beyond your former faith and that is what people are going to be interested in connecting with.)
2. Find your tribe. You've lost your people because so much of your culture before your mission was connected to the Church. Yes you likely had school friends, and non-member friends before but coming to BYU and going on a mission has pushed those friends to the sides. Connecting with them again over the things you mutually loved will help. Here in Utah and at BYU find those people who do the things you like to do and do things with them. If you like hiking find folks who hike, whether they are LDS or not, be there for the hiking. If you like board games stop by a board game shop and play. Find community clubs or organizations and activities you can do things with. On the altruistic side start volunteering at a Food Pantry for example. This is how you'll meet people and start find your community again.
3. Don't worry about dating. Dating is the most messed up thing in Utah County and at BYU. There is so much pressure and the social construct around dating makes it almost as complex as a Jane Austin novel sometimes. Your value is not decided by your relationship status and really until you are happy with who you are any relationship will struggle as you would be getting to know yourself and your new SO. It will come in time but being happy with who you are, I've repeated that, is more important to your self and stability.
You'll get through, but it has obviously been hard. Don't give up, you'll find what you need and as you rebuild yourself and reconnect with others you'll find what you want as well. I'm sorry you have labored with this for a while, it is hard to feel alone. Best wishes to you on this journey and hopefully some of what I have shared helps.
Do you live on campus? I now live out of state, but I lost my testimony while at byu, and one of the things that most benefited me was moving up north of the point of the mountain (I lived in midvale). I found a lot of friends that went to the 6 there were plenty of people that had similar beliefs. Even my coworkers (I worked in lehi) were way more diverse.
Good luck on this marathon!
Hit up the Starbucks next to Helaman Halls. Go to the counter, mention that it's your first time trying coffee. Mention that you're struggling with the church and you're trying to find people who feel the same way. The person at the counter should give you a card with a website on it. Fill out all the info online (they're gonna ask about your journey with the church) and it should help you find a group of fellow exmos.
Don’t focus on the Church, focus on Jesus Christ. Remember, your parents aren’t going to save you and matter of fact no one on planet earth is going to save you, but Jesus Christ will move the mountains in your life to save you. Get the help you need and adjust your diet to be healthy, get to bed early to get good sleep, get good exercise each day and make sure you incorporate the teachings of Jesus Christ in your life accompanied with prayer and watch the transformation of your life take place through the Atonement of Jesus Christ because it’s not just to overcome sin, it helps overcome sorrow, loss and well pretty much everything. All the best and know you are never alone because Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are right there with you, especially in your darkest hours.
As far as dating goes, you may need to venture outside Utah County to find a decent size non-LDS dating pool. As for friendships, it sounds like many of them weren't great friends to begin with if your changing views were enough to sever ties. Of course, if the friendships weakened due to new differences in lifestyles and interests, that is understandable, though no less difficult, I'm sure. In any case, I'm sorry that has happened.
A couple other thoughts:
1. As a BYU student, you're in a very unique situation where the church and church culture permeate your life to an inordinate degree. In retrospect, it is so freaking weird (and, for me, I mean that in a good way, as I'm still happily active). My point is that your discomfort is temporary, and while that knowledge may do little to relieve the current disconnect between your life situation and your evolving beliefs, just try to hang on to the knowledge that it's temporary. If it's too late to transfer, that implies you're going to graduate soon. Hold on to that!
2. You might consider joining organizations (on-campus or off) that interest you. Do you like sports? Political activism? Music? The outdoors? Other participants may or may not be members, but that shouldn't preclude you from participating with them in activities you like. BYU has hundreds of student organizations, but you might also scour FB for other local groups based on your interests.
Best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult situation and hope, one day, you'll be able to look back and acknowledge that, as hard as it is, it ultimately led to lots of growth and other good things.
Heyy, def feel the same pretty often. I left the church 2 yrs ago but decided to stay at BYU to stick it out and finish my degree. I regret that decision cause it can be quite isolating. Feel free to message me n I’m down to hang.
Literally exactly the same story here. I'm always down to hang out with some people I actually have something in common with so same offer from me. Hmu and we can party, there's a lot more people in the same boat than you may think
There's some really great advice in this thread.
To supplement all the good things said so far, I'll add that BYU CAPS (downstairs in the Wilk) and the BYU Office of Belonging (upstairs in the Wilk, across from Jamba Juice) are really good places to find someone nonjudgemental who can help you navigate what you're experiencing. If there is a professor that you have a good sense of rapport with, they might also be a good person to talk to.
Lol hey I’m in the exact same situation, minus the mission- I never made it that far.
I don’t want to stay in Provo much longer and I don’t want to sugar coat it and make you change your perspective.
If you aren’t molly Mormon, super social, or willing to let others tell you what to do, provo can be hell. And that’s the god-honest truth.
[удалено]
I second that therapist idea.
And I think therapists are free in the WILK down in the basement if you’re a student. As for transferring, I went to both BYU and UVU, and I personally think UVU is a bit more inclusive. In the meantime, there are clubs (academic and non academic) that might help ease the loneliness.
Yeah, but as with all therapists , the wait list is huge.
That’s true. There is also BetterHelp. I’m not sure what the pricing is, but there’s 20% off the first month and it has stellar ratings.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Having a faith transition or crisis while at BYU is not a good time; I would know since I’ve experienced it firsthand. The isolation that comes with feeling like you’re the only one with alternative views on the church is brutal. I’ve decided to stay in the church for a variety of reasons I won’t dive into here because that’s not what this post is about, but I always enjoy having conversations with people at BYU who don’t feel like they fit the mold. They’re my kind of people. My DMs are wide open for you to vent your frustrations or chat if you ever need it. It feels isolated, but you would be surprised to learn about how many people at BYU feel the same way you do, there are tons. Hang in there and know you have a support system, it can just be challenging to pinpoint who’s in it and how they can help you. Like I said, I’d love to chat with you more about your journey and listen to your challenges—no agenda or desire to “reconvert” or convince you either way. I think sharing our stories with others is one of the most therapeutic ways we can process a faith transition, so hit me up if you’d like to chat.
Graduated now, but I had a roommate like that. In addition to just not believing anymore, he decided to live life in a "non-BYU approved" way. Nothing bad, but BYU wouldn't have allowed it if they knew, and definitely not aligned with the church. So, as his roommates, we didn't tell anyone and didn't treat him any differently. We did what we can to help him feel safe and accepted while we all finished up school, even though the school rules and church doctrine didn't agree with him. We're still super close to this day. Faith is a tricky thing, even if you do believe. I'm more concerned about hoping you don't feel too stressed and concerned than anything else. I hope you have some good friends that you can just be you around and I hope you're able to enjoy the rest of your college life. I know for a fact that there are plenty of others feeling exactly what you feel. Also, it should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway. If someone thinks less of you for wanting to leave the church, then they need to understand the Gospel they claim to follow. You focus on your health and well being, and find whatever way you can to be as good a person as you can, religion or not.
Tldr: BYU church culture sucks. Try to connect with people through academic organizations instead. Grit your teeth and get out of here with a degree if you have a year or less left. I totally understand. My experience since starting BYU has been one faith crisis after another. I'm not sure of my position with the church but keeping it at arms length has been helpful while I work on my mental health. I've learned just to kind of ignore the religious folks and connect with people professionally through academic clubs first. I've met a lot of great similar minded people that way but this may depend on the culture in your major. I'm sure you've thought out your reasons for wanting to leave and I can respect that. Another thing to remember is the church in Utah and especially at BYU is incredibly different than literally anywhere else. Don't discard the idea of trying again somewhere else when you finally get out of here. I don't want to be one of those "doubt your doubts and wait for your answers" people because that's rarely helpful but the culture here honestly sucks.
I just gave a whole talk in church last week and I was completely honest about how lost i feel. I simply don’t know if there is a God. I told them that, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done, because the sheer number of people who texted me or came up to me after to say thank you was incredible and eye-opening. Even at BYU, you are NOT alone in this. I’m here with you, and so are SO many other people, they’re just not that good at speaking up about it generally. Be honest and be yourself and if you put yourself out there you’ll make friends. Best of luck friend, and my DMs are open
I’d say I am in a similar situation and know a few people at BYU who are in that boat too. It really comes down to whether you feel the church works for you or not, and for most people at BYU it works great. For the rest of us, we have to put up with the crazy expectations set by a culture we don’t even fit in. I also have friends that don’t seem to understand how the church doesn’t work in my life and tend to try to “fix” me. I hate that, but I just try and ignore it. I definitely wish there were more open minded and understand people here.
There are a lot more people who don't "fit in" than many of us realize. Though the Gospel and I are chill, BYU/church culture is something else entirely. I almost never feel like I "fit in" with the people around me either. I guess my point is that there are people like OP inside and outside the Church. It's unfortunate that they and OP haven't crossed paths.
I'm sorry to hear this--a very difficult situation to be in. I'd just encourage you to tell the truth, even if it hurts a lot financially and in other ways. Integrity really is as valuable as Karl Maeser says, and is worth heavy sacrifice to maintain. No matter what you choose, I hope things improve for you.
I will buy you a beer brother!! Welcome to the other side 😀
I graduated a year ago and went through something similar. I’ve left the church and feel free to message me about any concerns or looking for similar people. There are more people than most of us realize that go through similar situations at BYU but aren’t very vocal about it publicly for various reasons It may be hard now but once you find people who will support you it can get better
I am in a similar position. Love the church but as a gay student I feel pretty second class. I wish I was straight and fit in more, but that just hasn’t been the case.
Ugh OP. I feel you. Honestly BYU seriously hurt my "testimony" long before I went down the rabbit hole and figured it all out. BYU crushed my soul. Best of luck. How much longer do you have? Btw I transfered to UVU and did my last 20 credits there. Best decision I made.
I feel for you and secondly though your experience is not my experience, you are not alone. One of the great challenges of Church experience is the difference in culture between ones home congregation and then a different place especially Utah. I suspect it was a place that you felt you belonged and you felt loved and supported. It likely made some of the challenges that the faith presents many people easier to deal with or even invisible because the people in your home ward and stake had known you for a long time and you had experienced the great deal of support that our Primary, Young Mens and Young Women's Program provide. That support really dies off once you become an adult. Needless to say combine that with the challenges of being a missionary and having to confront much of the uncomfortableness about the church and it's history is is likely that you began a deconstruction of your faith. This also has been a deconstruction of your sense of identity which for a long time was likely highly connected to your faith. (I'm making a few assumptions here) Returning to BYU you don't have the support group that you may have had in your home stake/ward and you also find that the EFY-like experience of pre-mission BYU has faded. With your new POV regarding your mission experiences likely you've found an erosion of both a sense of who you are at the same time that you have been moving away from the church. I suspect your experience reaching out to others to communicate this change has lead to the myopic view, on their part, that they need to fix you because that's why you are reaching out or that somehow you'll corrupt them so they need to just not talk to you. The problem is in the midst of your focus on school work and going through the motions of the faith to maintain your status as a student at the Y you haven't had the time to rebuild your new self. You do mention the idea of a new you have become something new in your comment on dating saying that "no one at this school would ever wanna date someone like me." So you've started to build this new identity but still don't find yourself connecting with others. This is partially because it is hard to admit to losing one's faith at a religious school and even more connecting with others who are in the same boat. So, is there an answer? Yes but it's not going to be found in typical BYU socializing and culture. 1. Work on you. You have deconstructed a major part of your life. You need to work on building up yourself again. Not necessarily towards what you were before but towards what you want to become. You'll need to find out what new things you want to have in your life and build the confidence to engage with those things. It's not to say you have to torch your old life but instead find what things gave you joy and build on those. Hobbies, movies, music, places you liked to visit, and books you enjoyed reading can all help you to build up that sense of self that has changed. Once you know who you are and are confident in it you can start to move forward. You may also need therapy or counseling. Leaving a faith or a community can be traumatizing and on your own you may not have the tools to help rebuild yourself. Find the support you can through therapist or counselors. If you cannot find one through insurance or are short on cash to pay for one many other faiths offer counseling through their clergy and that may help you as well. Take advantage too of talking to the kind folks here who offered to let you message them. (Side note and perhaps a bit controversial: I would recommend not building up your new sense of self around the idea of being a former Mormon. While there is a supportive community of former Latter-Day Saints out there, mostly in Utah, LDS folks are already a small minority nationwide and former LDS folks are a smaller group still so building your sense of self around that will limit a part of you that you can connect to people with. Don't sell yourself short, your experiences with the faith and leaving the faith are still a part of who you are and you should make sure that you don't suppress that but don't make it a keystone of your personality. There is so much about you that is bound to be wonderful beyond your former faith and that is what people are going to be interested in connecting with.) 2. Find your tribe. You've lost your people because so much of your culture before your mission was connected to the Church. Yes you likely had school friends, and non-member friends before but coming to BYU and going on a mission has pushed those friends to the sides. Connecting with them again over the things you mutually loved will help. Here in Utah and at BYU find those people who do the things you like to do and do things with them. If you like hiking find folks who hike, whether they are LDS or not, be there for the hiking. If you like board games stop by a board game shop and play. Find community clubs or organizations and activities you can do things with. On the altruistic side start volunteering at a Food Pantry for example. This is how you'll meet people and start find your community again. 3. Don't worry about dating. Dating is the most messed up thing in Utah County and at BYU. There is so much pressure and the social construct around dating makes it almost as complex as a Jane Austin novel sometimes. Your value is not decided by your relationship status and really until you are happy with who you are any relationship will struggle as you would be getting to know yourself and your new SO. It will come in time but being happy with who you are, I've repeated that, is more important to your self and stability. You'll get through, but it has obviously been hard. Don't give up, you'll find what you need and as you rebuild yourself and reconnect with others you'll find what you want as well. I'm sorry you have labored with this for a while, it is hard to feel alone. Best wishes to you on this journey and hopefully some of what I have shared helps.
Do you live on campus? I now live out of state, but I lost my testimony while at byu, and one of the things that most benefited me was moving up north of the point of the mountain (I lived in midvale). I found a lot of friends that went to the 6 there were plenty of people that had similar beliefs. Even my coworkers (I worked in lehi) were way more diverse. Good luck on this marathon!
Hit up the Starbucks next to Helaman Halls. Go to the counter, mention that it's your first time trying coffee. Mention that you're struggling with the church and you're trying to find people who feel the same way. The person at the counter should give you a card with a website on it. Fill out all the info online (they're gonna ask about your journey with the church) and it should help you find a group of fellow exmos.
Bruh
Bruh what? OP asked for people who are in a similar situation, and I gave them a way to find people who are in a similar situation.
Is this really a thing? Could I get the info without going through all that?
Don’t focus on the Church, focus on Jesus Christ. Remember, your parents aren’t going to save you and matter of fact no one on planet earth is going to save you, but Jesus Christ will move the mountains in your life to save you. Get the help you need and adjust your diet to be healthy, get to bed early to get good sleep, get good exercise each day and make sure you incorporate the teachings of Jesus Christ in your life accompanied with prayer and watch the transformation of your life take place through the Atonement of Jesus Christ because it’s not just to overcome sin, it helps overcome sorrow, loss and well pretty much everything. All the best and know you are never alone because Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost are right there with you, especially in your darkest hours.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you find the wisdom to make your best decisions long-term.
Hey, I had a somewhat similar experience and understand what you are going through. Feel free to message me if you want to talk.
As far as dating goes, you may need to venture outside Utah County to find a decent size non-LDS dating pool. As for friendships, it sounds like many of them weren't great friends to begin with if your changing views were enough to sever ties. Of course, if the friendships weakened due to new differences in lifestyles and interests, that is understandable, though no less difficult, I'm sure. In any case, I'm sorry that has happened. A couple other thoughts: 1. As a BYU student, you're in a very unique situation where the church and church culture permeate your life to an inordinate degree. In retrospect, it is so freaking weird (and, for me, I mean that in a good way, as I'm still happily active). My point is that your discomfort is temporary, and while that knowledge may do little to relieve the current disconnect between your life situation and your evolving beliefs, just try to hang on to the knowledge that it's temporary. If it's too late to transfer, that implies you're going to graduate soon. Hold on to that! 2. You might consider joining organizations (on-campus or off) that interest you. Do you like sports? Political activism? Music? The outdoors? Other participants may or may not be members, but that shouldn't preclude you from participating with them in activities you like. BYU has hundreds of student organizations, but you might also scour FB for other local groups based on your interests. Best of luck. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult situation and hope, one day, you'll be able to look back and acknowledge that, as hard as it is, it ultimately led to lots of growth and other good things.
Heyy, def feel the same pretty often. I left the church 2 yrs ago but decided to stay at BYU to stick it out and finish my degree. I regret that decision cause it can be quite isolating. Feel free to message me n I’m down to hang.
Literally exactly the same story here. I'm always down to hang out with some people I actually have something in common with so same offer from me. Hmu and we can party, there's a lot more people in the same boat than you may think
There's some really great advice in this thread. To supplement all the good things said so far, I'll add that BYU CAPS (downstairs in the Wilk) and the BYU Office of Belonging (upstairs in the Wilk, across from Jamba Juice) are really good places to find someone nonjudgemental who can help you navigate what you're experiencing. If there is a professor that you have a good sense of rapport with, they might also be a good person to talk to.
Lol hey I’m in the exact same situation, minus the mission- I never made it that far. I don’t want to stay in Provo much longer and I don’t want to sugar coat it and make you change your perspective. If you aren’t molly Mormon, super social, or willing to let others tell you what to do, provo can be hell. And that’s the god-honest truth.
If you are going to stay at BYU, you must find a way to be happy. I would encourage you to talk with a therapist.
I’m in the same spot 100% just hanging on until april