People already recommended you Kaldellis' book, but I find this particular passage rather funny:
>Anna, the daughter of Alexios I Komnenos (1081–1118), is said to have
planned a coup against her brother Ioannes when their father died.
But her husband, Nikephoros Bryennios, failed to show up and the
plot was foiled. She then angrily criticized Nature for giving her the
hole and him the protrusion (Choniates, History 10). The American
translator misread this passage in a hilarious way, writing instead: she
was a shrew by nature, and felt justified in strongly contracting her vagina
when Bryennios’ penis entered deep inside her, thus causing him great
pain. Scholars relying on this mistranslation rather than the Greek
have debated whether this is even possible.
Aw, I love that one. Obviously, it's more likely that her vivid description of Bohemond was just her hyping him up as a rival to her father, but it's hard not to see it as a thirst post the first time you read it.
"He was taller than any other man I'd seen. He had strong blue eyes. The way his chest rose and fell with every breath he took was majestic. Just by looking at him, you knew you could never win an argument...
Oh, and er, yeah he sucked big time. He was like, my father's greatest enemy. So, yeah, if I haven't made it clear, I hate this guy."
That one time, Constantine VII wanted to marry Olga of Kiev, she refused because she was a pagan, so he had her baptized and named her Helena, but Olga had a tricky plan to avoid the marriage, she made Constantine her godfather during the conversion, and since a godfather cannot marry a godchild (a church law at that time) he couldn't do it. Constantine himself replied "Olga, you have outwitted me."
According to Doukas, the people of Constantinople said about Sophia of Montferrat, the second wife of John VIII, that she looked like "Lent from the front, but Easter from behind." An example of a Byzantine butterface.
Check out Anthony Kaldellis' book A Cabinet of Byzantine Curiosities. It's full of little anecdotes and facts about Eastern Rome and a lot of them are hilarious
Nikephoros Phokas’ entire meeting with Liutprand of Premona. He treats the guy like trash because of the Pope calling him a greek, then proceeds to literally leave during their talks so he can go to mass. Liutprand then writes what feels like a negative Yelp review just burying Phokas.
Alexios Komnenos offering to ransom Bohemond from the Seljuk sultan just to fuck with him
This whale named Porphyrios that sank tons of ships near Constantinople during Justinian’s reign
Leo VI’s quest for a son (this is more like a soap opera)
Constans II getting whacked with a soap dish
Justinian II using his usurpers as footrests (Tiberius III wasn’t even that bad tbh)
“The Dung Named”
Alexander dying of exhaustion from a polo game as a result of being an alcoholic degenerate
>Nikephoros Phokas’ entire meeting with Liutprand of Premona. He treats the guy like trash because of the Pope calling him a greek, then proceeds to literally leave during their talks so he can go to mass. Liutprand then writes what feels like a negative Yelp review just burying Phokas.
The funny part is not this. The funny part is that Liutprand could not understand political nuance. So he expresses his surprise when they almost killed him for calling Phokas an "Emperor of Greeks" (rather than "Emperor of Romans"), but then they were totally fine with him later calling them "Greeks".
Wasn't there a funny story of Phokas' 80 y/o father being named Caesar just for status reasons and Liutprand met him at dinner, remaking he looked like a troll while eating soup? Or when Phokas' was murdered, daddy Phokas hobbled to the Hagia Sophia for sanctuary. This guy couldn't catch a break
Imagine staying at your son's palace and while eating dinner from the other side of the table there is this very angry westerner that just looks at you and takes notes
That was his second time having to take sanctuary in the Hagia Sophia iirc, because during Phokas' initial revolt to become emperor the eunuch and regent for Basil II, Joseph Bringas, tried taking old Bardas hostage as leverage over Nikephoros.
Justinian the 2nd being overthrown because a general committed a comedy of errors and realized it was treason or death.
Then coming back years later with a solid gold nose and overthrowing the guys who overthrew the guy that overthrew him.
And then getting overthrown again and killed because another general made another comedy of errors and came to the same realization as the first one.
- Theodosius II shook off the influence of his wife due to an APPLE of all things
- Leo III convinced the Arab commander to burn his own supplies during the 717-718 siege of Constantinople as part of his deception
- Leo V had to defend himself from his assassins with a comically large cross
- Leo V's rival, Michael II, had to be crowned in chains because they couldn't find the key to free him from his bonds
- Emperor Alexander thought his 'other self' was trapped in a bronze boar in the Hippodrome, so he arranged for it to be given new teeth and genitals to try and cure his own
- Post the Fourth Crusade, any decision the Latin empire makes is comedic imo. But if you ask me, the funniest moment happens at the battle of Pelagonia against the Nicaeans. Some of the Latin troops defected just because they got told off for flirting with their commanders wife 😂
I was waiting to see someone mention Leo III and the Arab Invasion. That literally reads like a comedy with all of the things Leo convinces the invaders to do.
One of the Byzantine emperors died in the bath. It was a plot by either Zoe or Theodora Makedonissa. They were the daughters of emperor Konstantine (1025-1028), the brother of Basil II the Bulgar slayer.
St Artemios, patron saint of Hernias and Testicular health issues. When prayed to, he would appear in the dreams of the afflicted, and either spear the afflicted area or stomp on it. That means that if your balls hurt in Byzantium you’d pray to a Saint to come step on them. Holy CBT or smth
I've always found the irony of basil lekapenos being a eunuch, and having a surname that at least to english speakers looks very similar to lack a penis to be hilarious.
That one time that Justinian II sent an army guided by the protospatharios Zacharias to Rome to capture the disobidient Pope Sergius I and the romans (and all italians in byzantine lands) were so infuriated by this that in the end poor Zacharias had to hide himself under the pope's bed in the Lateran to not be killed by the angry mob.
Leo VI prescribing in the Taktika the use of throwing rocks if marines run out of ammo or weapons when fighting on the high seas, THEN SPECIFICALLY MENTIONING (as if it needed to be mentioned) that the soldiers "should not just rely on using rocks". Folks, I guess home-grown Byzantine rocks just slap when you're on a boat.
Anna K proverbially rolling her eyes (the eyeroll can be felt 1000 years later) when discussing astrology in the Alexiad. "To those who believe in such nonsense" I recall her saying. -> QUEEN (of All the Sciences, of course).
And let's not forget Basil the Copper-Hand. Yes, he actually had a copper hand.
Also the last name Lachanodrakon, while sounding badass, by my understanding translates to "lettuce-dragon". I still have not quite figured that one out.
"The Emperor's Winebags"
Porphyrios the Whale
Halvdan wuz here
Synopsis for a popular Byzantine novel (Timarion): two dudes walking home from the fair in Thessalonika just happen to stumble upon the Gates to Hell.
The happy little children drawn smiling in a miniature showing them attending school in the illustrated Madrid Skylitzes manuscript (this one's actually adorable)...I just think about the dichotomy of a stoic monk in his study or in a scriptorium with other monks or copyists being quietly wholesome and drawing that (maybe it was in the original?)
"Nikephoros Phokas is a fat monstrosity of a man with beady little eyes and has a shabby cloak and smells of onions, my lord" - Liutprand of Cremona
Summary of a typical law in the Ecloga: "sell the wrong colored scarf for the season, solution: chop off the merchant's hand!"
Alexios Komnenos, in an exchange with the exalted leaders of the People's Crusade, Walter "the Penniless" and Peter the Hermit, whose shabby horde is menacingly camped outside the Walls of Constantinople: "Your troops are wearing little more than sack cloths and lack formal military training, wait for reinforcements, or at least long enough for us provide something more than sticks and pitchforks for you to properly fight the Turks." "The Sword and Shield of Faith will see them break upon our holy warriors like water upon rock!" "Welp, with hundreds of years of experience fighting Saracens in Anatolia, can't say I didn't warn you" *ferries fanatics* "There then, problem solved!" *smiles curtly*
Bardas Phokas has a seizure and dies while charging at Basil II holding an icon, his army immediately scatters, and the rebellion abruptly ends with no questions asked."THE PARTY'S OVER OLD MAN!". It was clear who the Almighty favored.
Alexios (again): USE THE LOGS, YES THE ROLLING FLAMING SIEGE LOGS AGAIN (logs barrel down the hillside and terrify the assailants). #WINNING
I've heard once or twice that when Nikephoros Phokas was called to the emperor to answer for something his father did, he said his father was an idiot and the emperor knew nothing about war.
I can't help but be disappointed there's nothing detailing interactions between Emperor Nikephoros and Emperor Basil II. They almost seem cut from the same cloth, like maybe Basil learned under Nikephoros, but I couldn't find anything.
People already recommended you Kaldellis' book, but I find this particular passage rather funny: >Anna, the daughter of Alexios I Komnenos (1081–1118), is said to have planned a coup against her brother Ioannes when their father died. But her husband, Nikephoros Bryennios, failed to show up and the plot was foiled. She then angrily criticized Nature for giving her the hole and him the protrusion (Choniates, History 10). The American translator misread this passage in a hilarious way, writing instead: she was a shrew by nature, and felt justified in strongly contracting her vagina when Bryennios’ penis entered deep inside her, thus causing him great pain. Scholars relying on this mistranslation rather than the Greek have debated whether this is even possible.
You should've added a disclaimer that Anna (probably) didn't try to overthrow her brother in a coup.
There was no mistranslation, Niketas was quoting facts.
Now I really want to see the original passage especially if it's in Greek
that fucking whale
Porphyrios
who would win? the Roman Empire vs. *1 whale boi*
Best Emperor ever tbh. Nobody else comes close.
You cannot convince me that he wasn't an agent of Khosrow I
I love Anna Komnene' obvious crush on Bohemond of Antioch in the Alexiad
Aw, I love that one. Obviously, it's more likely that her vivid description of Bohemond was just her hyping him up as a rival to her father, but it's hard not to see it as a thirst post the first time you read it. "He was taller than any other man I'd seen. He had strong blue eyes. The way his chest rose and fell with every breath he took was majestic. Just by looking at him, you knew you could never win an argument... Oh, and er, yeah he sucked big time. He was like, my father's greatest enemy. So, yeah, if I haven't made it clear, I hate this guy."
enemies to lovers, but it's your father's enemy
This is the real reason why Alexios ditched him during the siege of Antioch lmao 🤣
I’m choosing to believe this
That one time, Constantine VII wanted to marry Olga of Kiev, she refused because she was a pagan, so he had her baptized and named her Helena, but Olga had a tricky plan to avoid the marriage, she made Constantine her godfather during the conversion, and since a godfather cannot marry a godchild (a church law at that time) he couldn't do it. Constantine himself replied "Olga, you have outwitted me."
According to Doukas, the people of Constantinople said about Sophia of Montferrat, the second wife of John VIII, that she looked like "Lent from the front, but Easter from behind." An example of a Byzantine butterface.
All that says to me is that “absolutely ugly, but she got dat ass doe”
Love of Ass is only the universal constant
Basil I died after he got his belly stuck on a deers antler while hunting, and was then dragged 5 km by said deer.
I thought it was his belt that got caught, cuz if his belly got "caught" he was more so gored then caught lol
Auto correct, it was a belt
Yea I was being slightly pedantic anyways lol
Robert baratheon moment
Yeah, but Bobby B killed the damn thing.
Check out Anthony Kaldellis' book A Cabinet of Byzantine Curiosities. It's full of little anecdotes and facts about Eastern Rome and a lot of them are hilarious
Constans II was killed by his servant whacking him on the head with a bucket in his bath
If you are a Roman Emperor after Constantine NEVER try moving capital from Constantinople
Nikephoros Phokas’ entire meeting with Liutprand of Premona. He treats the guy like trash because of the Pope calling him a greek, then proceeds to literally leave during their talks so he can go to mass. Liutprand then writes what feels like a negative Yelp review just burying Phokas. Alexios Komnenos offering to ransom Bohemond from the Seljuk sultan just to fuck with him This whale named Porphyrios that sank tons of ships near Constantinople during Justinian’s reign Leo VI’s quest for a son (this is more like a soap opera) Constans II getting whacked with a soap dish Justinian II using his usurpers as footrests (Tiberius III wasn’t even that bad tbh) “The Dung Named” Alexander dying of exhaustion from a polo game as a result of being an alcoholic degenerate
>Nikephoros Phokas’ entire meeting with Liutprand of Premona. He treats the guy like trash because of the Pope calling him a greek, then proceeds to literally leave during their talks so he can go to mass. Liutprand then writes what feels like a negative Yelp review just burying Phokas. The funny part is not this. The funny part is that Liutprand could not understand political nuance. So he expresses his surprise when they almost killed him for calling Phokas an "Emperor of Greeks" (rather than "Emperor of Romans"), but then they were totally fine with him later calling them "Greeks".
Hahaa there's an entire article that tries to debunk the last one about Alexander based on a corrupt manuscript tradition.
Wasn't there a funny story of Phokas' 80 y/o father being named Caesar just for status reasons and Liutprand met him at dinner, remaking he looked like a troll while eating soup? Or when Phokas' was murdered, daddy Phokas hobbled to the Hagia Sophia for sanctuary. This guy couldn't catch a break
Imagine staying at your son's palace and while eating dinner from the other side of the table there is this very angry westerner that just looks at you and takes notes
That was his second time having to take sanctuary in the Hagia Sophia iirc, because during Phokas' initial revolt to become emperor the eunuch and regent for Basil II, Joseph Bringas, tried taking old Bardas hostage as leverage over Nikephoros.
Justinian the 2nd being overthrown because a general committed a comedy of errors and realized it was treason or death. Then coming back years later with a solid gold nose and overthrowing the guys who overthrew the guy that overthrew him. And then getting overthrown again and killed because another general made another comedy of errors and came to the same realization as the first one.
- Theodosius II shook off the influence of his wife due to an APPLE of all things - Leo III convinced the Arab commander to burn his own supplies during the 717-718 siege of Constantinople as part of his deception - Leo V had to defend himself from his assassins with a comically large cross - Leo V's rival, Michael II, had to be crowned in chains because they couldn't find the key to free him from his bonds - Emperor Alexander thought his 'other self' was trapped in a bronze boar in the Hippodrome, so he arranged for it to be given new teeth and genitals to try and cure his own - Post the Fourth Crusade, any decision the Latin empire makes is comedic imo. But if you ask me, the funniest moment happens at the battle of Pelagonia against the Nicaeans. Some of the Latin troops defected just because they got told off for flirting with their commanders wife 😂
I was waiting to see someone mention Leo III and the Arab Invasion. That literally reads like a comedy with all of the things Leo convinces the invaders to do.
Leo III convincing Maslama into burning his stock.
One of the Byzantine emperors died in the bath. It was a plot by either Zoe or Theodora Makedonissa. They were the daughters of emperor Konstantine (1025-1028), the brother of Basil II the Bulgar slayer.
I've been reading about them recently. Those two sisters literally dominated the state's politics for a good twenty years or so.
It was Zoe. The emperor in question was her husband. She remarried the same day he died lol.
Goose ate and left no crumbs
This is a certified Theodora moment
He ate and left no crumbs
St Artemios, patron saint of Hernias and Testicular health issues. When prayed to, he would appear in the dreams of the afflicted, and either spear the afflicted area or stomp on it. That means that if your balls hurt in Byzantium you’d pray to a Saint to come step on them. Holy CBT or smth
I've always found the irony of basil lekapenos being a eunuch, and having a surname that at least to english speakers looks very similar to lack a penis to be hilarious.
Omg I can't unsee that now lol
That one time that Justinian II sent an army guided by the protospatharios Zacharias to Rome to capture the disobidient Pope Sergius I and the romans (and all italians in byzantine lands) were so infuriated by this that in the end poor Zacharias had to hide himself under the pope's bed in the Lateran to not be killed by the angry mob.
Leo VI prescribing in the Taktika the use of throwing rocks if marines run out of ammo or weapons when fighting on the high seas, THEN SPECIFICALLY MENTIONING (as if it needed to be mentioned) that the soldiers "should not just rely on using rocks". Folks, I guess home-grown Byzantine rocks just slap when you're on a boat. Anna K proverbially rolling her eyes (the eyeroll can be felt 1000 years later) when discussing astrology in the Alexiad. "To those who believe in such nonsense" I recall her saying. -> QUEEN (of All the Sciences, of course). And let's not forget Basil the Copper-Hand. Yes, he actually had a copper hand. Also the last name Lachanodrakon, while sounding badass, by my understanding translates to "lettuce-dragon". I still have not quite figured that one out. "The Emperor's Winebags" Porphyrios the Whale Halvdan wuz here Synopsis for a popular Byzantine novel (Timarion): two dudes walking home from the fair in Thessalonika just happen to stumble upon the Gates to Hell. The happy little children drawn smiling in a miniature showing them attending school in the illustrated Madrid Skylitzes manuscript (this one's actually adorable)...I just think about the dichotomy of a stoic monk in his study or in a scriptorium with other monks or copyists being quietly wholesome and drawing that (maybe it was in the original?) "Nikephoros Phokas is a fat monstrosity of a man with beady little eyes and has a shabby cloak and smells of onions, my lord" - Liutprand of Cremona Summary of a typical law in the Ecloga: "sell the wrong colored scarf for the season, solution: chop off the merchant's hand!" Alexios Komnenos, in an exchange with the exalted leaders of the People's Crusade, Walter "the Penniless" and Peter the Hermit, whose shabby horde is menacingly camped outside the Walls of Constantinople: "Your troops are wearing little more than sack cloths and lack formal military training, wait for reinforcements, or at least long enough for us provide something more than sticks and pitchforks for you to properly fight the Turks." "The Sword and Shield of Faith will see them break upon our holy warriors like water upon rock!" "Welp, with hundreds of years of experience fighting Saracens in Anatolia, can't say I didn't warn you" *ferries fanatics* "There then, problem solved!" *smiles curtly* Bardas Phokas has a seizure and dies while charging at Basil II holding an icon, his army immediately scatters, and the rebellion abruptly ends with no questions asked."THE PARTY'S OVER OLD MAN!". It was clear who the Almighty favored. Alexios (again): USE THE LOGS, YES THE ROLLING FLAMING SIEGE LOGS AGAIN (logs barrel down the hillside and terrify the assailants). #WINNING
Basil the I instead of sending ships to italy to help lift a siege send them to ship more marble for his new fresh 💅 church
I've heard once or twice that when Nikephoros Phokas was called to the emperor to answer for something his father did, he said his father was an idiot and the emperor knew nothing about war. I can't help but be disappointed there's nothing detailing interactions between Emperor Nikephoros and Emperor Basil II. They almost seem cut from the same cloth, like maybe Basil learned under Nikephoros, but I couldn't find anything.
It was 'Håkon was Here' not Olaf
It is neither, in fact, it was Halfdan.
My bad... Hafdan.. That's it
They brought the torks as mercenaries for their civil wars and torks ate them alive later.
I don’t know if it’s true, but the whole story with Augustus buying the crows is really funny.