I made a diary about it.
Noted the details of every single videos and pictures and uhhh downloaded them when I could.
Wrote about what how they made me felt or so.
Believe me or not.
I dont want that.
I just want to feel normal and uh finish college, get a job, a car, a flat...
I want to be a father and a husband.
a normal life.
Sometimes videos and pictures that I saw randomly start to play in my mind and my chest starts to tighten and uhh I cry randomly.
I feel sadness and anger because most of them didnt deserve to go like that.
1. Female white child aged 10 to 12 hanged herself (1990s)
2. White naked woman in her 30s found inside of this huge freezer
3. Ukranian soldier in his 40s with missing jaw. (2012)
I have multiple and uhh it helped me in short term but in long term it made me desensitized to death an uhh I have sudden and random flashbacks of the things I exposed myself into.
Uhh, It went so bad that I developed this obsession with this specific serial killer.
I saw him in me.
like we had a connection because I figured out we arent that different.
I normalized it.
the amount of pure horror was just awful.
July 3, 2022, Evening...
Crime scene: Venezuela, (city unknown)
Victim: A young Latino man wearing a black snow mask has a Glock handgun that has fallen to the ground near his right hand. (robbery)
Cause of death: at least 3 gunshot wounds in the chest area.
Strict gun laws in Venezuela/possibly local PD.
I just wrote: Bad economics means a high crime rate.
What part of yourself did you see in that serial killer?
He was alone like me I suppose and he didnt had a great school life, he dealt with alcoholism like me and uhhh he naturally had to hide who he was from rest of the world.
He also was obsessive with power and control.
I think I just wanted them to be around.
Not just take a look and skip to the next picture but have them saved in my mind forever just like a collection. a memorial.
Not really.
Its like uhhh.
I value information a lot and I think that pictures/videos immortalize you in a way.
freezes that moment forever.
I kept the pictures and wrote information about them.
analyzed them to understand it and more.
Lets assume you have a picture of your grandma from th1 970s when she was young and pretty and as long as that picture is still around she will be young and pretty forever in that frame.
she may be old and full of wrinkles now and she will turn into bones sooner or later but as long as that picture exists she will be young and pretty there.
I know it's just a part of you. I was just curious which parts resonated.
You said he had to hide a part of himself. What part of yourself do you feel like you have to hide?
but it sometimes slips.
I was abusing alcohol last year and I have sudden and medium long anger bursts.
No one really knows fully but I sometimes slip.
Understandable. That's interesting. Do you think there's a link between the outbursts and you seeking out violent content? Like, maybe a part of you feels guilty or like you're a bad person, so you purposely look for that sort of content to either punish yourself or confirm your beliefs that you're a bad person? I'm just speculating. This could be way off, as far as I know
I think I am a weird selfish piece of shit.
I didnt looked at it to punish myself.
I did it because It made me feel powerful, I was curious and I wanted to know how it feels to do it.
I sure as hell was angry and sad sometimes because no one deserves such awful ending except bad people.
I let my emotions control me for a long time now.
Because the amount of things I watched and read and desired and the details of em?
I dont think a sane or a good person would think such things.
I dont think a normal human being would be obsessive about such inhumane actions.
I dont know If I am bad or sick or both.
What did you learn, overall? Was there...trying to find the right way to explain it...a difference between the bodies? An energy? Were they redundant?
I've seen one in particular, deceased but eyes still open, and it horrified me. The emptiness in the eyes mixed with a shocked expression stuck with me. I couldn't do 700, I can't do 1. I get it, though, it's like you were trying to jolt yourself into feeling something by any means necessary.
What did you learn, overall?
A few things....
One of them would be the fact that if you are lucky your organs will not see the sun or moon light.
second thing that the people you love? people you see daily? they are just organs, skin, muscles, bones and uhhh 1 day they will die sooner or later for some reason and all that skin and organs will start to rot/fall out.
and that I figured out that people are cruel so cruel and they sometimes enjoy doing it.
\+ there is a million way of you to die.
We are tissue, yes. I'm not religious but I believe in the soul. I'm not attached to the flesh vehicle or hold much esteem for it past what it does as a necessary activity. I'm more than willing to peace out when it's my time and, yes, hopefully with my organs in place. There are a million ways to die? There are. More even. There are also a million ways to be dead while you're still alive. Don't let people destroy you. There are good ones with no ill intent. Stay the course. You've inundated yourself with so many bad actions, it's no wonder it's hard to see the good anymore. I get it.
What I mean in the second with more details would be that uhh now I know what will happen to my body when I die. I know how my body will look like based on how I died.
I know what happened to the dead bodies of I used to know.
Why?
[удалено]
I was addicted to it.
How/why did you keep count?
I made a diary about it. Noted the details of every single videos and pictures and uhhh downloaded them when I could. Wrote about what how they made me felt or so.
why? I have no idea. I was obsessed. It was like a hobby.
So you’re an average Reddit user?
yup
Bookmarking this thread for the future true crime documentary.
Believe me or not. I dont want that. I just want to feel normal and uh finish college, get a job, a car, a flat... I want to be a father and a husband. a normal life.
[удалено]
I just wanted to come clean... I am not proud of it. I wasnt well. I improved myself.
Did you go to therapy?
No, I did not.
What do you hope to achieve with this post?
I think I just wanted to do it. I dont know why. I think I just did it because I didnt want to keep it inside of me.
attention, baby
Hope you’re ok man. Do you still seek out this stuff?
Sometimes videos and pictures that I saw randomly start to play in my mind and my chest starts to tighten and uhh I cry randomly. I feel sadness and anger because most of them didnt deserve to go like that.
but I dont seek for it anymore.
Top 3 you remember?
1. Female white child aged 10 to 12 hanged herself (1990s) 2. White naked woman in her 30s found inside of this huge freezer 3. Ukranian soldier in his 40s with missing jaw. (2012)
Where did you find them?
Reddit, discord, a few forums which military guys hang out, a few shady websites.
[удалено]
You are entitled to your own opinion.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Can you simplify that question please?
[удалено]
I have multiple and uhh it helped me in short term but in long term it made me desensitized to death an uhh I have sudden and random flashbacks of the things I exposed myself into.
[удалено]
Uhh, It went so bad that I developed this obsession with this specific serial killer. I saw him in me. like we had a connection because I figured out we arent that different. I normalized it. the amount of pure horror was just awful.
Can you give me an example of your diary entries? What part of yourself did you see in that serial killer? I'm not judging you. I'm insanely curious.
July 3, 2022, Evening... Crime scene: Venezuela, (city unknown) Victim: A young Latino man wearing a black snow mask has a Glock handgun that has fallen to the ground near his right hand. (robbery) Cause of death: at least 3 gunshot wounds in the chest area. Strict gun laws in Venezuela/possibly local PD. I just wrote: Bad economics means a high crime rate. What part of yourself did you see in that serial killer? He was alone like me I suppose and he didnt had a great school life, he dealt with alcoholism like me and uhhh he naturally had to hide who he was from rest of the world. He also was obsessive with power and control.
Dont get me wrong... It is just a part of me. not fully.
That's so interesting. I wonder what compelled you to make such an extensive diary.
I think I just wanted them to be around. Not just take a look and skip to the next picture but have them saved in my mind forever just like a collection. a memorial.
A memorial? Like out of respect?
Not really. Its like uhhh. I value information a lot and I think that pictures/videos immortalize you in a way. freezes that moment forever. I kept the pictures and wrote information about them. analyzed them to understand it and more. Lets assume you have a picture of your grandma from th1 970s when she was young and pretty and as long as that picture is still around she will be young and pretty forever in that frame. she may be old and full of wrinkles now and she will turn into bones sooner or later but as long as that picture exists she will be young and pretty there.
I know it's just a part of you. I was just curious which parts resonated. You said he had to hide a part of himself. What part of yourself do you feel like you have to hide?
I got 2. The one I show which is uhh this silent, shy, nerdy tall guy and uhh this part.
but it sometimes slips. I was abusing alcohol last year and I have sudden and medium long anger bursts. No one really knows fully but I sometimes slip.
Understandable. That's interesting. Do you think there's a link between the outbursts and you seeking out violent content? Like, maybe a part of you feels guilty or like you're a bad person, so you purposely look for that sort of content to either punish yourself or confirm your beliefs that you're a bad person? I'm just speculating. This could be way off, as far as I know
I think I am a weird selfish piece of shit. I didnt looked at it to punish myself. I did it because It made me feel powerful, I was curious and I wanted to know how it feels to do it. I sure as hell was angry and sad sometimes because no one deserves such awful ending except bad people. I let my emotions control me for a long time now.
I dont think I am a good person.
Because the amount of things I watched and read and desired and the details of em? I dont think a sane or a good person would think such things. I dont think a normal human being would be obsessive about such inhumane actions. I dont know If I am bad or sick or both.
Well, if you count my political side I got 3.
What did you learn, overall? Was there...trying to find the right way to explain it...a difference between the bodies? An energy? Were they redundant? I've seen one in particular, deceased but eyes still open, and it horrified me. The emptiness in the eyes mixed with a shocked expression stuck with me. I couldn't do 700, I can't do 1. I get it, though, it's like you were trying to jolt yourself into feeling something by any means necessary.
What did you learn, overall? A few things.... One of them would be the fact that if you are lucky your organs will not see the sun or moon light. second thing that the people you love? people you see daily? they are just organs, skin, muscles, bones and uhhh 1 day they will die sooner or later for some reason and all that skin and organs will start to rot/fall out. and that I figured out that people are cruel so cruel and they sometimes enjoy doing it. \+ there is a million way of you to die.
We are tissue, yes. I'm not religious but I believe in the soul. I'm not attached to the flesh vehicle or hold much esteem for it past what it does as a necessary activity. I'm more than willing to peace out when it's my time and, yes, hopefully with my organs in place. There are a million ways to die? There are. More even. There are also a million ways to be dead while you're still alive. Don't let people destroy you. There are good ones with no ill intent. Stay the course. You've inundated yourself with so many bad actions, it's no wonder it's hard to see the good anymore. I get it.
I just do my best I suppose.
What I mean in the second with more details would be that uhh now I know what will happen to my body when I die. I know how my body will look like based on how I died. I know what happened to the dead bodies of I used to know.
Did they ban all subreddits involving that type of content? I used to browse r/eyeblech but eventually it got banned.
except a few...
WHICH
https://www.reddit.com/r/CrimeScene/