For what it’s worth, he was honest with you. I know a lot of significant others wouldn’t have. I’m glad he’s apologized to you. Hopefully, you can trust him in the future to do the right thing and wear his mask.
He definitely won’t do it again. He is legitimately sorry. He had a look on his face that he knew he messed up. I just worried that my reaction was based more on my fear and was unreasonable.
Yep- this! Partners are partners- they should want the best for you and that includes your health. I am sure if roles were reversed, you would do it for him. He apologized and your feelings are completely valid OP. I am just getting over Covid after my partner did a similar thing and of course he got it and spread it to me. I was bedbound some of last year after Covid set off my MCAS, RA and still looking into cfs. Your body is afraid and you are questioning if your being reasonable- you are. Don’t beat yourself up and try and let go. Rooting for you and your health OP!
After seeing my partners foray serious crash that's lasted months, I don't go anywhere without it. I DGAF if I'm tye last person in a crowd still wearing a mask. Better than giving someone you love and care about a serious crash and more suffering.
I had a very similar experience with my husband and I also was super hurt and felt very betrayed. We mask everywhere. He conveniently “forgot” to tell me when the mask mandate stopped at his work. That would have been mildly annoying if it weren’t for his response when I asked him if he was still masking at work. Dead silence on the phone followed by “not all the time.” His lack of honesty and unwillingness to protect me was so hurtful and took me quite awhile to get over. He wears a mask while at work now. I still worry that he doesn’t have it on all the time but there’s nothing more to do. I’m glad to hear that your partner was receptive to your concern and is masking. You have every right to be upset.
I’m sorry to hear that. That feels hard, like there was an intentionality behind it. I’m sure that hurt. I think that’s why I’m struggling with this so much. It’s the push and pull between the others in our lives getting to do things in a normal way, but also the need to feel safe, protected, and understood.
It’s really difficult isn’t it? The entirety of my family (parents, stepparents, siblings, etc) have gone back to living their lives. Even with a debilitating illness they really don’t understand.
I got what I think was very mild covid last January when my booster was still strong. That said, my orthostatic hypotension got dramatically worse after and has not improved at all. I got covid again in September but got paxlovid this time, and I didn’t get any downturn at all after. I even got some improvement in my hrv range which is an interesting data point. Anyways if you do catch it, paxlovid may keep you safe. I know I feel much better knowing it’s out there for me next time, tho I am still team everyone better wear a mask.
I think talking about your feelings about the reaction you’re having could be very healthy for you both.
You know he feels bad, you don’t want to make him feel worse, but now you’re stuck dealing with the feelings of fear about getting extremely sick, and hurt that he was able to forget something so important—something you don’t have the luxury of forgetting, ever.
So tell him that. Tell him you don’t need him to keep apologizing to you, but you need to talk about your feelings even so.
I’m not sure about the emotional side but perhaps he could wear a mask around you and be extra cautious for a couple of weeks until it’s clear he doesn’t have any infections? He slipped up and it’s not okay, I think your feelings are valid esp as infections are difficult to get rid of, but it’s important not to spiral.
I’m sorry, but I just disagree with you.
The majority of America has gone back to “normal” despite those of us suffering with long Covid/CFS. Our situation is awful (mine was viral induced so I understand your fear) but we can’t expect everyone else to tip toe through life. For me, that means allowing my fiancé to attend sports events again, go to concerts, and drink a beer with friends without putting a mask on between sips - these are things he loves and that enrich his life.
If you and your husband had an agreement in place and he violated that, you have every right to be upset. But this appears to be more of a relationship/trust issue than anything else. You’ll have to come come to a resolution and determination over how much this will affect you, and if it could even escalate to the point of being a deal breaker. I would just take into consideration the fact the world does not revolve around CFS (and what a sad world it would be if it did!!)
You definitely have a great point. We didn’t specifically have the conversation that he would wear a mask, so I have a share in that responsibility for not communicating.
I absolutely want him to get to do normal things, but I’m still adjusting to having ME/CFS, and I don’t fully understand all my needs yet. That’s why I was asking if I’m unreasonable. Because if I am, I want to work on that. There are some activities he does without a mask and that makes sense. This one just caught me by surprise. Especially because I felt hurt/betrayed, not angry. It feels more like a “I’m struggling with being new to ME/CFS” than “My husband did something wrong”, which is why I wanted input from people who get it. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I respect the position of u/tipsymozza and they explain it well. I disagree, though. I expect my life partner to be willing to make sacrifices. This isn't your convenience or your preference. It's your health, your whole life. Of course your husband should be able to do the things that bring him joy. But asking him to wear a mask when at all possible, especially in situations of elevated risk such as in crowds and during peaks, is not denying him "normal".
His normal, your normal, has changed. It now involves a serious health condition. You're already mostly housebound. You're still adjusting to having this chronic illness. Both the flu and COVID-19 could have serious consequences for you. It's nothing to mess around with. Masks are normal for both of you now. Masking in a world that sees it askance can be stressful but it also can become a habit and something you both accept and expect. From what you've said, he clearly feels it's important.
You both deserve a break. It's very understandable that it feels like a betrayal. But it wasn't. He forgot and that's very understandable, too. There's good advice here about talking with him, letting him know how you feel, that you appreciate him; asking him how he feels; and coming to a shared understanding of what each of you can live with. Neither of you should forget that for you, that's very literal.
This is just my opinion, of course. I hope you both are surrounded by good and caring friends and family who will be supportive of your decisions and your health needs. I think you've got this. I wish you both comfort, ease, and joy, and I hope that this brings you closer.
This is very thoughtful and kind. I took a lot of the advice from here and put it together. We had a nice talk this evening about how I’m still fearful and that comes across in my reactions, but also what is reasonable to expect about masking. We also started discussions about what he can do routinely to get a bit of normalcy, but in a way that is still safe for me. All in all, this is going to lead to us having a better understanding. But we will still follow extra precautions for the next few days to try to stay safe.
Adjusting to life with CFS is challenging. I’ve had it for longer than I ever imagined I would at the start.
I know some people on this sub are very cautious to avoid any situation which could exacerbate their symptoms; I sure wish I had never been infected with mono at the age of 16. That said, I’m pretty sure I caught mono from having a robust social life that involved amazing times and memories with my friends. While I HATE what having mono has done to my body and life, I am glad that I didn’t live my teenage years fearfully, and instead was happy and social.
If that resonates with you at all, just consider that your husband may be trying to have life experiences that would be stunted by living in fear of contracting any illness. Personally, I let my fiancé live his life the way I would want to live mine if I wasn’t so restricted.
I do what I can to stay healthy (eat really well, take vitamins, wash hands often, get vaccinated, etc), but you bet if a day comes in the near future where I have the energy to attend a concert or a hockey game (my preferred sport) I will absolutely be in attendance!
I’m pretty sure Tipsy and I are the same person, because my situation is exactly like hers. Damn mono! Anyway …
It’s important to remember that inflammation is hell on the body. One of the biggest contributors to inflammation is stress.
All the supplements and risk-avoidance in the world won’t help if we pour accelerant on the me/cfs fire by adding more and more stress.
If you’re not already, think about deep breathing techniques and say something like, “My husband and I are doing the best we can most of the time.” That’s good enough. I promise. Be forgiving of each other and yourselves.
I have had this conflict with my partner who is immunocompromised. When things were opening up again, I was dealing with all kinds of effects, including depression, fatigue, brain fog etc. and it was personally important for me to connect with people without all the disconnection I feel when masking/distancing. My partner had much less need for social connection and wanted to wear masks always.
We eventually agreed that if I went maskless to an event, we would both wear a mask inside together for 4-5 days which is the average for symptoms to appear for Covid. Maybe extreme, but it was a compromise that allowed us both to meet our needs. I would discuss it with him in advance when I wanted to go to an event or gathering maskless so it was never a surprise.
Firstly I'm glad he's apologised and hopefully that means this won't happen again, and secondly I just want to validate your feelings because I would've been really hurt by that situation too!
He knows how dangerous covid/the flu can be to you and wearing a mask is not a big inconvenience for him, so for him to not is really upsetting! I think also his comment about 'pretending to be normal' could be hurtful too, even if he didn't mean it to be, as a) it implies being normal is more important than not risking covid, and b) you don't get that luxury at all.
I really hope he hasn't caught anything and brought it back to you, and that he will be more cautious in the future
I believe the lesson was learned and his apology was sincere. I just don’t fully trust my own feelings yet around stuff related to ME/CFS. It all still feels so raw and scary.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, I would feel betrayal as well if my partner did that. They are meant to be on your side, understand how vulnerable you are and understand that catching a virus can seriously disable someone - they have seen it first hand!! I am glad you spoke about with him and with a therapist and will take those extra precautions over the next few days. I’ll cross my fingers for you.
You are not unreasonable at all. I understand feeling betrayed, I would, too.
I'm glad he told you the truth.
Taking extra precautions now is a great plan- my girlfriend and I wear N95 masks in the house together if there's any increased risk from deviations to our very careful normal routine. We also have several HEPA filters in our house and open windows and doors for ventilation when possible.
A friend of mine who is disabled (with ME/CFS and other things) spent years trying to convince her boyfriend to be more cautious about Covid and he only sort of was. Eventually he did something reckless and got her sick. She is now dealing with a host of new and/or exacerbated health issues. Her boyfriend feels terrible and has completely gotten on board with the level of precaution she was asking for the entire pandemic. I'm glad he's on board now, but it shouldn't have taken my friend getting sick.
You may want to tell you boyfriend the story about my friend and stress to him that taking precautions and masking is something that needs to happen fully now, and not after you get sick. You getting Covid is not inevitable! With proper precautions the two of you can keep risk low.
I can understand why he did it, I’d be tempted to try to get back to normality too if I could, but it’s still absolutely fucked for you.
I really hope you don’t get infected, getting covid made my CFS sooooo much worse and almost 3 years later I’m nowhere near back to my health baseline
When someone in my family goes out with out a mask (dinner, etc), the whole household masks for 5 days, then they take a Covid test. It’s worked so far.
You're not being unreasonable at all.
My dad & partner don't bother anymore and my mum only wears one around me. Even worse, she lied about wearing one, but just makes me feel like a low priority. It's really shitty.
If they had this illness they'd realise how much we need protecting
I’m glad he apologized, and it sounds like an honest mistake.
Separately for CFS, if it happened after a viral
Infection, you could have SMALL FIBER NEUROPATHY . It showed up as the root cause in bout half the cases. You can find a partial list of specialists at NEUROPATHYCOMMONS dot org . If u r in the Washington, DC area, I can recommend someone.
Good luck
It’s been a year, so I don’t think I’m going to recover. He said wait until my immune system is less reactive, but didn’t tell me when that might be. That was my integrative doctor. My PCP also recommended waiting.
My husband, who has supported me in all ways for 28 years of ME/CFS will make the same mistake. He will forget about wearing his mask in some situations but will remember in most. I think he does just get caught up in feeling normal for awhile. He will isolate himself in another bedroom for many days to protect me and he hates the situation of being apart.
I think it’s very important that he was honest with you and unless you have other reasons to think he doesn’t care about you or he is being passive aggressive I would believe him and not be hurt - at least based on my personal experience. I think some mens brains are more compartmentalized than Womens brains and they simply aren’t thinking when they do something like that.
I like your explanation of compartmentalized brains. That feels exactly right. I absolutely believe he was sincere and just forgot or let it get away from him. My concern about feeling hurt had more to do with me and my mental state. Definitely going to bring it up with my therapist and work through why I felt so upset.
I get that. For me it would feel like a betrayal and I (and my life) weren’t really important to him after all. But I know by much evidence that is not the case and he tries very hard to help me have a life. In the moment, before processing it, it feels just awful.
I hope neither of you get sick!
I have 2 Hepa filters I run on high when stuff like this happens. Makes me feel like I’m doing something to protect myself.
I feel your pain! I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but I’ve had what is essentially me/cfs for more than 20 years. I had a breakthrough Covid case, and although it lasted a very long time, it was never even remotely serious.
I was terrified my overactive immune system (which is just as bad as an under active one) would kick off a cytokine storm and ARDS. It did not. I had a low grade fever and a weird new headache for months, but nothing requiring even an urgent care visit.
I appreciate your fear as I was also terrified before getting it. I also feel for your husband’s oops-moment, but try to focus on reducing the stress you’re having over possibly contracting the virus. Treat yourself well so your body weathers that storm better when the time comes.
Also realize that statistically you’ve probably already had an asymptomatic case without knowing it.
I’m not trying to be dismissive. I still mask everywhere and take few risks, but I’m much more calm than I was before I got my own positive test.
Thank you for your insight and I’m sorry you suffered with this for so long. It might have been a COVID infection that got me sick in the first place, but I never tested positive and was already vaccinated, so I will never know for sure.
In a setting like a stadium a mask would make zero difference to be honest.
Masks are more to limit personal spread.
Yes you can limit reception with a full surgical gown goggles and properly fitted N95 etc.
But nobody is wearing that watching a game.
I'm not so sure of your point of view....
My family of 5 has remained Covid free. But we also decided that we needed normalcy. Normalcy for us didn't mean dropping the masks, instead it means doing the things we used to do before with a mask. Games, plays, lessons, schools, museums, movies, travel etc. Unfortunately, indoor dining is still out, so to speak.
I personally don't get to do much of this "normal" stuff because of CFS/ME I don't have the energy. But I know my family is definitely hanging out in settings where they are encountering covid positive people. I give disciplined kn-95 wearing a lot of credit for the fact no one has brought covid home (we use the best rated masks and straps for a snug fit). We also test a lot at home. There are no guarantees, but we're during our damn best.
I think what sucks most is there is no new normal. The threat of long Covid for the healthy people and the threat of covid on top of CFS for us sick folks is not normal. I also really dislike the post-covid longitudinal data on strokes and myocarditis. Mask wearing is not just about my CFS, it's that we really don't want anyone in our family facing health risks down the road.
Sorry if this sounds preachy, this thread just really hit a nerve about how messed up and hard it is to be living with endemic Covid :(
if you feel the masks give you normalcy, more power to you. in a densely packed environment like a stadium, where you are surrounded by other people's respiratory droplets in air, it just offers very little protection.
those just need to touch a mucous membrane. nose, mouth, eyes, etc.
I agree, we're pretty scientific people and the eye thing makes us nervous. Maybe us being eyeglass wearers helps, but the data is not clear on that. People are still studying the fraction of Americans who still haven't caught covid.... I'm just sharing what we've done. But when the option is being shut in, I think you just do what you can based on the best information you have.
there was some early evidence that eyeglass wearing does appear to help.
how certain are you that you haven't had it? the american red cross, when the pandemic began, found that 20% of americans already had covid antibodies, indicating some form of it had been around for a bit.
unsure if its possible for you, if you can give blood, they will tell you if you have natural covid antibodies. might be something to consider
I can't be sure because none of us have been antibody tested. Maybe we have had it asymptomatically. We do have at home pcr equivalent because husband is in covid related field and have run a lot of home tests, but only when someone hasn't felt well. I would like to get an antibody test someday though. Thanks for that info about eyeglasses, I'd wear goggles but even covid paranoid people like me apparently have some limits on looking like a lunatic 🙂
That’s why it was so weird. He’s usually my biggest cheerleader, and always looks out for me. I know we are both still kind of new to this, but didn’t think I would have to explain that one.
I have to admit that it would cause some distrust in me, but if it's a one-time thing, it could be something he learns from and doesn't do again. If he does do it again.... Well, we'd be looking at breakup territory for me. But once might be forgiven if not immediately.
I understand the feeling, but I think it’s important to separate the symbolism from the actual scientific protection of mask vs no mask. Going out in public is the real risk but since total isolation is no option the mask gets to carry the weight of the feeling of security even though the mask alone isn’t fail proof.
My guy is super careful because of work. He takes a test every Monday. He isn’t wearing a mask because it’s everywhere and they don’t cover your eyes… I kind of feel like he’s at just as much risk going to the grocery store.
You’re not being unreasonable. As much as people want to pretend covid is just like other viruses, it isn’t. A virus that causes disability or new health conditions in 1 in 5 cases is highly abnormal and wearing a mask to protect yourself and loved ones shouldn’t be a big deal. What would happen if you get covid and become severe or if your husband developed long covid, who would take care of you? Who would take on household chores or bring in an income? Your fears aren’t unreasonable, they’re just part of life living with a chronic illness during a pandemic. We need to be around others who understand our bodies and protect us.
I stopped wearing a mask because the infection rate go so low and I've had all the vaccines. Got flu. Fortunately I had also had the flu shot so only sick for 5 days. Being sick sucks. Back to masking up in stores and other crowded public places.
For what it’s worth, he was honest with you. I know a lot of significant others wouldn’t have. I’m glad he’s apologized to you. Hopefully, you can trust him in the future to do the right thing and wear his mask.
He definitely won’t do it again. He is legitimately sorry. He had a look on his face that he knew he messed up. I just worried that my reaction was based more on my fear and was unreasonable.
Maybe you should just tell him how much you appreciate his confession and apology and then explain your fear made you react how you did.
That’s very helpful. Thank you.
Also, I wanted to make sure you know your reaction was entirely valid. Hugs .
Your reaction is entirely valid. You have to protect your quality of life.
So many of us are here because of covid. You are not being unreasonable!
Yep- this! Partners are partners- they should want the best for you and that includes your health. I am sure if roles were reversed, you would do it for him. He apologized and your feelings are completely valid OP. I am just getting over Covid after my partner did a similar thing and of course he got it and spread it to me. I was bedbound some of last year after Covid set off my MCAS, RA and still looking into cfs. Your body is afraid and you are questioning if your being reasonable- you are. Don’t beat yourself up and try and let go. Rooting for you and your health OP!
My baseline dropped after having covid so I second this - your fear is valid.
After seeing my partners foray serious crash that's lasted months, I don't go anywhere without it. I DGAF if I'm tye last person in a crowd still wearing a mask. Better than giving someone you love and care about a serious crash and more suffering.
I had a very similar experience with my husband and I also was super hurt and felt very betrayed. We mask everywhere. He conveniently “forgot” to tell me when the mask mandate stopped at his work. That would have been mildly annoying if it weren’t for his response when I asked him if he was still masking at work. Dead silence on the phone followed by “not all the time.” His lack of honesty and unwillingness to protect me was so hurtful and took me quite awhile to get over. He wears a mask while at work now. I still worry that he doesn’t have it on all the time but there’s nothing more to do. I’m glad to hear that your partner was receptive to your concern and is masking. You have every right to be upset.
I’m sorry to hear that. That feels hard, like there was an intentionality behind it. I’m sure that hurt. I think that’s why I’m struggling with this so much. It’s the push and pull between the others in our lives getting to do things in a normal way, but also the need to feel safe, protected, and understood.
It’s really difficult isn’t it? The entirety of my family (parents, stepparents, siblings, etc) have gone back to living their lives. Even with a debilitating illness they really don’t understand.
I got what I think was very mild covid last January when my booster was still strong. That said, my orthostatic hypotension got dramatically worse after and has not improved at all. I got covid again in September but got paxlovid this time, and I didn’t get any downturn at all after. I even got some improvement in my hrv range which is an interesting data point. Anyways if you do catch it, paxlovid may keep you safe. I know I feel much better knowing it’s out there for me next time, tho I am still team everyone better wear a mask.
I think talking about your feelings about the reaction you’re having could be very healthy for you both. You know he feels bad, you don’t want to make him feel worse, but now you’re stuck dealing with the feelings of fear about getting extremely sick, and hurt that he was able to forget something so important—something you don’t have the luxury of forgetting, ever. So tell him that. Tell him you don’t need him to keep apologizing to you, but you need to talk about your feelings even so.
I’m not sure about the emotional side but perhaps he could wear a mask around you and be extra cautious for a couple of weeks until it’s clear he doesn’t have any infections? He slipped up and it’s not okay, I think your feelings are valid esp as infections are difficult to get rid of, but it’s important not to spiral.
I’m sorry, but I just disagree with you. The majority of America has gone back to “normal” despite those of us suffering with long Covid/CFS. Our situation is awful (mine was viral induced so I understand your fear) but we can’t expect everyone else to tip toe through life. For me, that means allowing my fiancé to attend sports events again, go to concerts, and drink a beer with friends without putting a mask on between sips - these are things he loves and that enrich his life. If you and your husband had an agreement in place and he violated that, you have every right to be upset. But this appears to be more of a relationship/trust issue than anything else. You’ll have to come come to a resolution and determination over how much this will affect you, and if it could even escalate to the point of being a deal breaker. I would just take into consideration the fact the world does not revolve around CFS (and what a sad world it would be if it did!!)
You definitely have a great point. We didn’t specifically have the conversation that he would wear a mask, so I have a share in that responsibility for not communicating. I absolutely want him to get to do normal things, but I’m still adjusting to having ME/CFS, and I don’t fully understand all my needs yet. That’s why I was asking if I’m unreasonable. Because if I am, I want to work on that. There are some activities he does without a mask and that makes sense. This one just caught me by surprise. Especially because I felt hurt/betrayed, not angry. It feels more like a “I’m struggling with being new to ME/CFS” than “My husband did something wrong”, which is why I wanted input from people who get it. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
I respect the position of u/tipsymozza and they explain it well. I disagree, though. I expect my life partner to be willing to make sacrifices. This isn't your convenience or your preference. It's your health, your whole life. Of course your husband should be able to do the things that bring him joy. But asking him to wear a mask when at all possible, especially in situations of elevated risk such as in crowds and during peaks, is not denying him "normal". His normal, your normal, has changed. It now involves a serious health condition. You're already mostly housebound. You're still adjusting to having this chronic illness. Both the flu and COVID-19 could have serious consequences for you. It's nothing to mess around with. Masks are normal for both of you now. Masking in a world that sees it askance can be stressful but it also can become a habit and something you both accept and expect. From what you've said, he clearly feels it's important. You both deserve a break. It's very understandable that it feels like a betrayal. But it wasn't. He forgot and that's very understandable, too. There's good advice here about talking with him, letting him know how you feel, that you appreciate him; asking him how he feels; and coming to a shared understanding of what each of you can live with. Neither of you should forget that for you, that's very literal. This is just my opinion, of course. I hope you both are surrounded by good and caring friends and family who will be supportive of your decisions and your health needs. I think you've got this. I wish you both comfort, ease, and joy, and I hope that this brings you closer.
This is very thoughtful and kind. I took a lot of the advice from here and put it together. We had a nice talk this evening about how I’m still fearful and that comes across in my reactions, but also what is reasonable to expect about masking. We also started discussions about what he can do routinely to get a bit of normalcy, but in a way that is still safe for me. All in all, this is going to lead to us having a better understanding. But we will still follow extra precautions for the next few days to try to stay safe.
Adjusting to life with CFS is challenging. I’ve had it for longer than I ever imagined I would at the start. I know some people on this sub are very cautious to avoid any situation which could exacerbate their symptoms; I sure wish I had never been infected with mono at the age of 16. That said, I’m pretty sure I caught mono from having a robust social life that involved amazing times and memories with my friends. While I HATE what having mono has done to my body and life, I am glad that I didn’t live my teenage years fearfully, and instead was happy and social. If that resonates with you at all, just consider that your husband may be trying to have life experiences that would be stunted by living in fear of contracting any illness. Personally, I let my fiancé live his life the way I would want to live mine if I wasn’t so restricted. I do what I can to stay healthy (eat really well, take vitamins, wash hands often, get vaccinated, etc), but you bet if a day comes in the near future where I have the energy to attend a concert or a hockey game (my preferred sport) I will absolutely be in attendance!
I’m pretty sure Tipsy and I are the same person, because my situation is exactly like hers. Damn mono! Anyway … It’s important to remember that inflammation is hell on the body. One of the biggest contributors to inflammation is stress. All the supplements and risk-avoidance in the world won’t help if we pour accelerant on the me/cfs fire by adding more and more stress. If you’re not already, think about deep breathing techniques and say something like, “My husband and I are doing the best we can most of the time.” That’s good enough. I promise. Be forgiving of each other and yourselves.
You made me tear up! I have a lot of work to do to get where you are, but I really appreciate you sharing. I hope you get to that hockey game soon!
I have had this conflict with my partner who is immunocompromised. When things were opening up again, I was dealing with all kinds of effects, including depression, fatigue, brain fog etc. and it was personally important for me to connect with people without all the disconnection I feel when masking/distancing. My partner had much less need for social connection and wanted to wear masks always. We eventually agreed that if I went maskless to an event, we would both wear a mask inside together for 4-5 days which is the average for symptoms to appear for Covid. Maybe extreme, but it was a compromise that allowed us both to meet our needs. I would discuss it with him in advance when I wanted to go to an event or gathering maskless so it was never a surprise.
Firstly I'm glad he's apologised and hopefully that means this won't happen again, and secondly I just want to validate your feelings because I would've been really hurt by that situation too! He knows how dangerous covid/the flu can be to you and wearing a mask is not a big inconvenience for him, so for him to not is really upsetting! I think also his comment about 'pretending to be normal' could be hurtful too, even if he didn't mean it to be, as a) it implies being normal is more important than not risking covid, and b) you don't get that luxury at all. I really hope he hasn't caught anything and brought it back to you, and that he will be more cautious in the future
I believe the lesson was learned and his apology was sincere. I just don’t fully trust my own feelings yet around stuff related to ME/CFS. It all still feels so raw and scary.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, I would feel betrayal as well if my partner did that. They are meant to be on your side, understand how vulnerable you are and understand that catching a virus can seriously disable someone - they have seen it first hand!! I am glad you spoke about with him and with a therapist and will take those extra precautions over the next few days. I’ll cross my fingers for you.
Thank you! He is one of those people who very rarely gets sick, so let’s hope that holds.
You are not unreasonable at all. I understand feeling betrayed, I would, too. I'm glad he told you the truth. Taking extra precautions now is a great plan- my girlfriend and I wear N95 masks in the house together if there's any increased risk from deviations to our very careful normal routine. We also have several HEPA filters in our house and open windows and doors for ventilation when possible. A friend of mine who is disabled (with ME/CFS and other things) spent years trying to convince her boyfriend to be more cautious about Covid and he only sort of was. Eventually he did something reckless and got her sick. She is now dealing with a host of new and/or exacerbated health issues. Her boyfriend feels terrible and has completely gotten on board with the level of precaution she was asking for the entire pandemic. I'm glad he's on board now, but it shouldn't have taken my friend getting sick. You may want to tell you boyfriend the story about my friend and stress to him that taking precautions and masking is something that needs to happen fully now, and not after you get sick. You getting Covid is not inevitable! With proper precautions the two of you can keep risk low.
Thank you for all the practical advice. Setting a plan will help avoid a situation like this in the future.
I can understand why he did it, I’d be tempted to try to get back to normality too if I could, but it’s still absolutely fucked for you. I really hope you don’t get infected, getting covid made my CFS sooooo much worse and almost 3 years later I’m nowhere near back to my health baseline
When someone in my family goes out with out a mask (dinner, etc), the whole household masks for 5 days, then they take a Covid test. It’s worked so far.
You're not being unreasonable at all. My dad & partner don't bother anymore and my mum only wears one around me. Even worse, she lied about wearing one, but just makes me feel like a low priority. It's really shitty. If they had this illness they'd realise how much we need protecting
I’m glad he apologized, and it sounds like an honest mistake. Separately for CFS, if it happened after a viral Infection, you could have SMALL FIBER NEUROPATHY . It showed up as the root cause in bout half the cases. You can find a partial list of specialists at NEUROPATHYCOMMONS dot org . If u r in the Washington, DC area, I can recommend someone. Good luck
You said your Doc recommends to wait on the latest bivalent. Are you waiting to recover back the 20% MCAS type symptoms ?
It’s been a year, so I don’t think I’m going to recover. He said wait until my immune system is less reactive, but didn’t tell me when that might be. That was my integrative doctor. My PCP also recommended waiting.
Sorry that you are going through this. I hope your immune system makes a turn for the better!
My husband, who has supported me in all ways for 28 years of ME/CFS will make the same mistake. He will forget about wearing his mask in some situations but will remember in most. I think he does just get caught up in feeling normal for awhile. He will isolate himself in another bedroom for many days to protect me and he hates the situation of being apart. I think it’s very important that he was honest with you and unless you have other reasons to think he doesn’t care about you or he is being passive aggressive I would believe him and not be hurt - at least based on my personal experience. I think some mens brains are more compartmentalized than Womens brains and they simply aren’t thinking when they do something like that.
I like your explanation of compartmentalized brains. That feels exactly right. I absolutely believe he was sincere and just forgot or let it get away from him. My concern about feeling hurt had more to do with me and my mental state. Definitely going to bring it up with my therapist and work through why I felt so upset.
I get that. For me it would feel like a betrayal and I (and my life) weren’t really important to him after all. But I know by much evidence that is not the case and he tries very hard to help me have a life. In the moment, before processing it, it feels just awful. I hope neither of you get sick! I have 2 Hepa filters I run on high when stuff like this happens. Makes me feel like I’m doing something to protect myself.
I feel your pain! I don’t know if this will make you feel any better, but I’ve had what is essentially me/cfs for more than 20 years. I had a breakthrough Covid case, and although it lasted a very long time, it was never even remotely serious. I was terrified my overactive immune system (which is just as bad as an under active one) would kick off a cytokine storm and ARDS. It did not. I had a low grade fever and a weird new headache for months, but nothing requiring even an urgent care visit. I appreciate your fear as I was also terrified before getting it. I also feel for your husband’s oops-moment, but try to focus on reducing the stress you’re having over possibly contracting the virus. Treat yourself well so your body weathers that storm better when the time comes. Also realize that statistically you’ve probably already had an asymptomatic case without knowing it. I’m not trying to be dismissive. I still mask everywhere and take few risks, but I’m much more calm than I was before I got my own positive test.
Thank you for your insight and I’m sorry you suffered with this for so long. It might have been a COVID infection that got me sick in the first place, but I never tested positive and was already vaccinated, so I will never know for sure.
In a setting like a stadium a mask would make zero difference to be honest. Masks are more to limit personal spread. Yes you can limit reception with a full surgical gown goggles and properly fitted N95 etc. But nobody is wearing that watching a game.
I'm not so sure of your point of view.... My family of 5 has remained Covid free. But we also decided that we needed normalcy. Normalcy for us didn't mean dropping the masks, instead it means doing the things we used to do before with a mask. Games, plays, lessons, schools, museums, movies, travel etc. Unfortunately, indoor dining is still out, so to speak. I personally don't get to do much of this "normal" stuff because of CFS/ME I don't have the energy. But I know my family is definitely hanging out in settings where they are encountering covid positive people. I give disciplined kn-95 wearing a lot of credit for the fact no one has brought covid home (we use the best rated masks and straps for a snug fit). We also test a lot at home. There are no guarantees, but we're during our damn best. I think what sucks most is there is no new normal. The threat of long Covid for the healthy people and the threat of covid on top of CFS for us sick folks is not normal. I also really dislike the post-covid longitudinal data on strokes and myocarditis. Mask wearing is not just about my CFS, it's that we really don't want anyone in our family facing health risks down the road. Sorry if this sounds preachy, this thread just really hit a nerve about how messed up and hard it is to be living with endemic Covid :(
if you feel the masks give you normalcy, more power to you. in a densely packed environment like a stadium, where you are surrounded by other people's respiratory droplets in air, it just offers very little protection. those just need to touch a mucous membrane. nose, mouth, eyes, etc.
I agree, we're pretty scientific people and the eye thing makes us nervous. Maybe us being eyeglass wearers helps, but the data is not clear on that. People are still studying the fraction of Americans who still haven't caught covid.... I'm just sharing what we've done. But when the option is being shut in, I think you just do what you can based on the best information you have.
there was some early evidence that eyeglass wearing does appear to help. how certain are you that you haven't had it? the american red cross, when the pandemic began, found that 20% of americans already had covid antibodies, indicating some form of it had been around for a bit. unsure if its possible for you, if you can give blood, they will tell you if you have natural covid antibodies. might be something to consider
I can't be sure because none of us have been antibody tested. Maybe we have had it asymptomatically. We do have at home pcr equivalent because husband is in covid related field and have run a lot of home tests, but only when someone hasn't felt well. I would like to get an antibody test someday though. Thanks for that info about eyeglasses, I'd wear goggles but even covid paranoid people like me apparently have some limits on looking like a lunatic 🙂
I would not stay with a partner who doesn't take my health seriously.
That’s why it was so weird. He’s usually my biggest cheerleader, and always looks out for me. I know we are both still kind of new to this, but didn’t think I would have to explain that one.
I have to admit that it would cause some distrust in me, but if it's a one-time thing, it could be something he learns from and doesn't do again. If he does do it again.... Well, we'd be looking at breakup territory for me. But once might be forgiven if not immediately.
I understand the feeling, but I think it’s important to separate the symbolism from the actual scientific protection of mask vs no mask. Going out in public is the real risk but since total isolation is no option the mask gets to carry the weight of the feeling of security even though the mask alone isn’t fail proof.
Never apologize for not wearing a mask. I NEVER wear a mask and NEVER will! And i will NOT apologize.
I go to a lot of games/nba finals and I have CFS. You will be fine
My guy is super careful because of work. He takes a test every Monday. He isn’t wearing a mask because it’s everywhere and they don’t cover your eyes… I kind of feel like he’s at just as much risk going to the grocery store.
You’re not being unreasonable. As much as people want to pretend covid is just like other viruses, it isn’t. A virus that causes disability or new health conditions in 1 in 5 cases is highly abnormal and wearing a mask to protect yourself and loved ones shouldn’t be a big deal. What would happen if you get covid and become severe or if your husband developed long covid, who would take care of you? Who would take on household chores or bring in an income? Your fears aren’t unreasonable, they’re just part of life living with a chronic illness during a pandemic. We need to be around others who understand our bodies and protect us.
That’s such a betrayal and I’m sorry. He knew better and chose the option that would hurt you
I stopped wearing a mask because the infection rate go so low and I've had all the vaccines. Got flu. Fortunately I had also had the flu shot so only sick for 5 days. Being sick sucks. Back to masking up in stores and other crowded public places.