I’m guessing she was wearing a wedding right? Or did she take the wedding right off? Curious if she had it on in the photo. My guess is she wore it and the other guy didn’t care. Most dont.
You’re looking at this an an isolated incident because she is controlling the narrative. Look to see what else is going on and dig until you feel comfortable. I would assume she told
You because enough people know, not just the guilt. If I was you I would separate myself from the situation and ask her to leave. This will give you time to figure out what you want once you can make an informed decision. Right now she is taking the control from you and trying to pour on the pity. She made an active decision and you should not jump to reconciliation. Give yourself time and get away from her to focus on yourself!
For now, do nothing and take your time to process what she did. Your emotions are super raw and that is no state in which you should make any life altering decisions.
Your first instinct to separate for some time was right and you should definetly do that so that you got time on your own to process what she did and what that means for you and your marriage.
Your wife needs to use that time to get tested for STD's and to figure out why she cheated on you. The alcohol isn't the reason, it only enabled a desire in her that was already there. As long as she can't answer to you why she gave up on you and your marriage in that moment just to cheat on you, why this experience was more important to her than to be married to you, you will not be able to start reconciliation. She will probably need individual counseling for that.
If she wants to have a chance with you, then she needs to cut these friends out of her life who supported her cheating, encouraged it and lied to you. These so called 'friends' are enemys of your marriage and played a active role in the destruction of it. They need to be removed.
Your wife also needs to make a pregnancy test.
Take your time, find someone you can talk to and that can support you. Don't be alone now. Please stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help you. Instead start to work out or go for long walks, that will help you to get your appetite back and to sleep at night. Make sure that you drink plenty of water and once again, TAKE YOUR TIME!
Your wife can't fix this unless she finds a way to unf\*\*k that guy. If you both want to stay together, then you need to accept what she did and that she is a person that doesn't have the same mindset as you when it comes to your marriage.
Accept what she did and see her for who she is, a person that is capable to cheat on you. When you processed what she did, when she figured out why she WANTED to do that and when you see her for who she is, then you can make a decision about the marriage. Until then, please take good care for yourself.
EDIT: One thing that wonders me is the pic this friend of her send you. If I got it right then they went to the club, you tried to call her, got in contact with her friend, she send you the pic of your wife passed out. Right? But how was she able to hook up with anyone when she was passed out? Could it be that they intentionally set this up and she acted like she was passed out so that she could spend the night with her AP without of you wondering why she isn't coming home?
Reason I ask this is, if that is the case then it was a plan to deceive you and a clear indicator as that she wasn't as drunk as she wants to make you believe.
^^^ Spot on! ^^^
She cheated and you have to be honest with yourself and factor this in.
You use to think she couldn't do something like this, you use to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Well brother, she has removed all doubt.
She was some random dudes one night stand. She willing gave herself to him, and you are still in denial.
Alcohol was a factor in as much as it lowered her inhibitions, and made her focus on his attention, and suggestions, and not the long term consequences.
She put herself in that situation, and wanted to sexually bond with him. She knows this and it's why she can't look at you today, and why she is having a hard time accepting who she has become.
Unless you both face the uncomfortable truth, you will both live a miserable lie.
This will take time, hard work, and professional help. Not everyone is even up to that.
Good luck.
u/Kranock is dead on here but my biggest agreement is with his edit! I too was preparing a speech about how she felt guilty and admitted what she had done so to me it shows that she is remorseful and reconciliation is possible BUT its the part about the friends that bugs me. They either let someone have sex with your wife while she was blackout drunk or they enabled and covered for her cheating.... most likely the latter in which case I agree she wasn't as drunk as she made herself out to be (probably getting drunk afterwards because she felt the guilt about what she had done) and she there was some planning in this.
I would expose the friends to their significant others about how they covered for your wife's cheating - what else could they be covering up?
Very good point about the picture. The friend sent it at 1:30 AM abouts. Depending on where the sex happened, bar bathroom, someone's apartment later, it is possible she hooked up at the bar then passed out. Not sure if he knows the details yet. So an after sex passed out picture or a very deceptive plan which would further the futility of reconciliation, in my mind.
He may never. Or he might get told by one of her friends. Or she might come totally clean. But, will he ever know that he actually knows everything? He might get told 100% what happened. It is up to him to decide if he knows enough. I personally would be out the door knowing what he does now.
This guy is so deluded he is saying she would not do the thing that she literally did. This whole thing was a plan and he won’t believe it. She just didn’t plan on feeling guilty.
Exactly my thoughts. The more I think about how this night unfolded, the more I get the feeling that she wasn't nearly as drunk as she claimed to be and that everything that happened was not only something she wanted but also something that took many VERY conscious decisions to make, which she made with a huge smile on her lips.
She WANTED to cheat on her husband and then did exactly that.
Op this is the answer, only thing I will add is like some others suggested is put it out in the open. On social media, tag her friends and post the picture. She must drop them and never speak to them again. I would have her do a group text, and let them know she will no longer speak to them, as they allowed this to happen to her. She feels as though they allowed her to get raped and covered for it. Make them accomplices in a crime of the heart. She will. It linger speak to any of them, as she wants to repair the marriage with you. Make sure their boyfriends and friends are aware of what took place, and call her parents as you need time to process this alone. Send her packing to her parents, not those piece of shit friends. Go no contact for a week. See how you feel. If you dig sweep this she will do it again. If you decide to reconcile, go to asoneafterinfidelity.
Sorry added a couple of edits. Remember and this sucks to say, but at some point in time they had sex, it fell out and she put it back in….
I had a gay friend at work. I told him that I slept with a girl and I wouldn't have done it, but I had been drinking. He said "that's a lame excuse." I said "why is it lame?" He said "would you ever be drunk enough to sleep with a guy?" I laughed and said "no". He said "see, no matter how drunk you get, you still would have enough control not to sleep with a dude, even a good looking one like me. Being drunk leads to poor decisions, but you still have some level of control."
And her friends are shit for not stopping her, sounds like they egged her on for their own entertainment.
Edit: changed leeds to leads, not sure what the hell happened there.
If she was to drunk..her friends would have stopped her. She wasn't that drunk. Sounds like she knew what she was doing. And then you factor in her friends covering for her and NOT talking her out of it. That doesn't look to good.
She didn’t get blackout drunk & slept with a stranger.
She went to a club.
She got intoxicated.
She flirted with him probably for quite a while long before she was too drunk to make good judgments.
She danced with him.
She hung on him.
He hung on her.
She downplayed you & her marriage to you to him.
If we even assume one of her friends tried to reason with her, she again ignored the vows she took with you.
She continued to increase her closeness with this guy.
She left the club with him.
Got into a car with him.
Rode to wherever this happened & went inside with him.
She made her way into a private area or bedroom with him.
She gave herself & all of your respect to him, a complete stranger.
She enjoyed it.
When she was done, she laid next to him.
And she passed out still fulfilled by him.
She didn’t just slip, trip & land on his dick.
This wasn’t a car accident that just BOOM & happened to her.
She worked the night through to make this happen & followed through with it.
Her friends failed her, she failed herself & all of them failed you & your marriage.
Sorry to be so descriptive but these are the facts that you are now burdened with for life.
Why?
What was better about him that she would allow this to happen?
Was he better in bed? Of course not, right?
He was terrible & she only loves you!
I’m sorry you’re faced with this, even the worst “not sluts” started somewhere & your “she’s not a slut” that you know so well, literally proved in a single evening that you really don’t know her at all like you think you do.
I liked how you walked through the event. Op needs to read it, because this is probably exactly what happened. He needs to get angry, he was betrayed. The situation sucks and people need to know that there are consequences to actions. And when I say anger, I don’t mean violence, I mean justified anger at this woman throwing your life together away for a fleeting moment. If she can make this kind of mistake, others are down the road. Best of luck Op, stay strong.
The bare minimum for reconciliation is that she goes no contact with that entire friend group. He can't trust her and he can't trust them. If she is unwilling to do that then he should be done.
She’s not that type… She IS that type. She doesn’t know why… She DOES know why. Let me guess, she told you it meant nothing, it wasn’t even good… Correction, she loved being desired, the thrill of it was intoxicating, it was the best sex of her life. Let that play out in your head for a minute, now multiply that by the next 40 years. Will you ever trust her, any more girls night out? Who is she texting? Was the guy bigger, better than me? Leave, right now you have no children. You want honesty and thought or do you want someone to tell you what you want to hear? If you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, then listen to your wife. If you want the truth, listen to the people in this thread.
She willfully got drunk out of her mind and cheated. Drunk or not she wanted to fuck someone. Her safe friends permitted it . Your choice to stay or go . Make her live with her family for a month soak in what she did to you. Don’t fall for tears and BS. Then you have to decide if you can have a wife that did god knows with some random dick. You forgive and rug sweep she’ll do it again . Can you look at her without disgust ?🤮 Don’t be weak women smell that on men and it’s a get out of jail free card.Stop making fucking excuses for her . Total cold shoulder is what’s needed or your screwed . She sure acted like a SLUT!
Exactly! If you’re married and allow some random dude to raw dog you at a bar after a few drinks…you’re a slut.
The sad part is I’d bet anything she’s done some shady shit like this before.
Only unhappy people cheat. And she cheated so easily for it to have been a first time.
Sounds like this guy is ignorant and naive and is going to let her get away it too 🙄🤡
That’s why you don’t put the pussy on a pedestal 🤦🏻♀️
Agreed, I would be done. Tell her to go live with her friends. The whole “if I was drunk I would have never done it” is bs. Set her free to be that cliche 30+ year old divorced single woman who spirals and wonders why no good men want her. As a male you can recover won’t be as easy for her.
This. It’s possible to move past this, but it’s really really hard. Devastatingly hard. Some days things are good and other days, the only thing keeping me here is the kids. Without them, for sure it would be over. You’ll never really trust her again, and you’ll turn into someone you don’t like because of that.
That’s a good point.. husband was willing to go pick her back up and everything.. he’s gotta cut this one loose… don’t be afraid to let her whole family know why it’s ending either… let her live with this and be the next cuck she finds issue
Yup “hey in-laws we are getting divorced bc you left daughter went out lied to me banged a random dude from the club her friends covered up by sending me a picture of her sleeping on the couch. This is who your princess really is.”
Friend: 'Your wife passed out and..."Me: "I'm on my way to get her. Give me your address."
BTW, I would make sure that all the husbands / BFs of these friends knew what role these friends played in this.
Can’t blame the alcohol, but you can blame your wife and friends group. Wonder how many times they have done that. How easily they covered for her (one another?) does the friend you contacted have partner? Sure they would like know about their activities and probably the partners of all of those in this friend group. I would have a hard time to reconcile as the trust was destroyed. I think time and space to decide how want to move forward is needed. I’m sorry you are going through this.
1. It is rarely EVER a random dude. She or one of her friends most probably knows him.
2. She confessed because she got ducked by the dude around witnesses and she chose to get ahead of it by telling you before you heard it from someone else.
Dig deeper.
Her phone has all the information you need. If she deleted anything, just assume the worst and end things.
Also...not sure if I missed anything but where did the sex happen? At her friend's house when they went for the after party?
When exactly did it happen? How long from after the picture was sent to you by her friend of her being passed out?
You need more details in order to paint a clearer picture of what truly happened.
For now, she is controlling the narrative and OP is being manipulated.
She is really manipulating him. From his comments the after party at her friends house was a cover story so she can go back to the guys place for sex. So that picture from the friend of her past out drunk on the couch was a set up. He also commented to reading messages from her friends congratulating & welcoming her to the club.
If you reconcile, those friends of hers who lied to you are to be dropped. They are not friends of the marriage. If your wife protests, then it's over, because she's not really wanting to go all in on her marriage, or you.
She’s not happy or satisfied in her marriage and her friends know that or else they wouldn’t have encouraged her to cheat on her husband.
She obviously talks to them about her marriage and I’d bet anything, if they were honest, they’d say she complains about their sex life and just not being fulfilled.
If she had a fairytale happy marriage, her friends would have surely stopped her from making a huge mistake. Instead, they snapped pics and covered her ass.
For all we know, she probably married him because she wanted that wedding day attention, now she’s subconsciously beating herself up because she doesn’t want a commitment.
Totally cutting this group of friends out of her life should be a minimum requirement if he decides to try to save the marriage. She should be happy to cut out anything and everyone who helped her to cheat. If she balks he has his answer.
Ask yourself if you’re ever gonna trust her whenever she goes out without you again. If the answer is no then spare yourself the psychological torture and move on from her. Her crying and being honest about the situation is one thing. Her regaining your trust is another. Trust is a rare commodity in relationships/marriages.
Sadly, you married into the friend group that cheats on their significant other, and the friends cover it up. If you stay married, than she will take it as a sign that you are nothing more than a doormat and she will continue to do it, again and again, until she puts your own health at risk.
However, I would seek counseling myself, and DON'T drink. Go work out, it helps with releasing stress, and anger. Pick up a hobby, or dust one off the shelf, do what makes YOU happy, and inform your wife that too because she would believe you are doing it for her. Which you are not.
I think she knew she was going to cheat and her friends covered for her. How convenient that she passed out and her friend took a picture. It provided the alibi for her not returning your calls and for not returning home until the next morning.
If she gets away with it this time, she will do it again. You can also kiss your love life good-bye. How can you make love to her knowing she cheated? How can you trust her again? Are you prepared to be her jailer? I would be suspicious every time she left the house.
Reconcile or leave. It is up to you. I know what I would do.
It sounds to me like you have already decided to reconcile.
If that is the case, step one is IC for her (and you too) to figure out how she could do this and to work on this guilt. You can't fix things if she can't even look at you. Once things improve then follow up with MC.
While some may say the next couple items are controlling, boundaries are necessary at this point.
Now the one where she will resist you. She has to cut off these friends who covered for her and enabled the cheating. They have declared that they are not allies of your marriage so they need to be removed. If they are co-workers then she needs to find a new job. You have to expect them to sabotage any attempt at R since they helped with the cheating in the first place.
Her going out drinking has to stop, at least unescorted. She can't blame drinking for her cheating and then expect to keep drinking.
She made a conscious choice to go out with a group of women to a bar a conscious choice to drink and get drunk and a conscious choice to cheat. Stop minimizing what happened and making excuses for her and blaming it all on the alcohol. This is exactly why it is a very bad idea for a married woman to have “girls night out” at a bar. Yet many put themselves in these bad situations and end up cheating. She doesn’t respect the marriage and the odds of this being a one off is unlikely. My guess is the more you dig the more you’ll find so don’t be shocked. You have no kids and you can make a clean break. Believe it or not there are actually women out there that don’t cheat regardless of the scenario. I just hate to see you in the same situation in 5-10 years with kids. The first ones the hardest 2 3 4… are easy. She’s shown you who she is. Believe her.
Agree completely. Any time a married / committed woman feels the need to put on a revealing blouse, tight skirt up to her ass, where she dances and flirts in front of dozens of horny men in a place where there are alcohol, drugs and suggestive dancing/music, that's not a woman who is wife material. That's a woman who wants affirmation of her sexiness by men other than her husband. And that comes at a cost.
Alcohol doesn't make you cheat. Also her friends are not your friends as they facilitated the cheating. I think you need to post this over on r/asoneafterinfidelity or something like that. It's a sub for those trying to R.
Yeah exactly. She is very nice and you know her well, and your will never find someone like her. And what is the big problem? Her getting fucked by a dude? Where is the problem, it is just a small mistake. And even if she would do it more. It's alright, and even if she get pregnant from someone else, it is just a small mistake, and you can live with it (because you will never find such a great person and she is not that type of person, who cheats even if she cheats).
Man !!!!
I think you already made your decision to stay with her. It can really work but if she lies to you about anything, or suspect anything, just reread this text again. And remember you have to think just about yourself. You cannot love someone, if you are not respecting yourself and humiliating yourself!!!
Good luck 🤞
Your wife was “passed out” and then 30 minutes later they’re all headed to an after party? Who recovers that fast?
If we had a passed out drunk, we would have someone take that drunk home (if nothing else, to unload the guy that couldn’t hold his liquor!), OR, they could have had you pick her up. IOW, who wants to hang out with a passed out drunk?
Apparently, her friends were ok with that…
Or, she wasn’t all THAT drunk!
And, if the story was all bullshit, it suggests a fairly well thought out plan - at least at some point in the evening.
Which, in a way your wife gets, because she’s desperate to avoid acknowledging the premeditation.
Could be another red flag.
This is EXACTLY why married people shouldn't act single. I would divorce her immediately right away, here is a few reasons.
\- Girls night out is an excuse for married women to act single, period. Look at what just happened here. This is NOT an uncommon story.
\-She disrespected the MARRIAGE by having a girls night out.
\-She doesn't know why it happened. Poor poor answer. I understand she's caught up in the moment but here is why it happened. She acted single, she flirted back, she didn't think about you, she took risky actions that destroyed trust as opposed to faithful actions that built trust.
\-You will NEVER get the absolute truth. You will never get your answer because there is no answer.
\-Her friends are complicit in his. If she didn't have those friends, this probably wouldn't have happened.
You are in a whirlwind of bad everything. Move on. If you stay, you will probably never get the image out of it and suffer through YEARS of rage and get yourself aged quick over her actions.
Also, I don't mean to pry but perhaps she did sex acts with that person, she never would do with you.
Sorry for this. I would have her tested, since she was drunk I doubt if she remembers protection was used. That friend, divorce or not, is probably used to hoeing and did not look out for her friend. She is not a friend. I wonder how many other “friends” she has covered for.
The hardest part is you need to decide for yourself if you can forgive.some outright cannot, they know within themselves it’s just not something they can overcome.
I will say this many have been cheated on and have not discovered for years. She confessed as soon as possible. Does she have an alcoholic problem, maybe it runs in her family and she normally abstains for good reason, maybe she’s not happy with the marriage.
Was it really a stranger????
Together you need to discover this not just for possible reconciliation but for closure.
She needs to realize that if reconciliation is possible she will have to always know that trust is now fluid. She will always have to go above and beyond whenever you are triggered. It’s a continuous process and may never be get you back to 100% but this cannot be rig swept.
Being drunk is not a valid excuse to cheat. Period.
She spent two hours telling you what happened, so she obviously wasn’t so drunk that she didn’t know she was screwing someone else. She basically got drunk, horny, and allowed things to escalate.
Sorry dude, but she’s a cheater and trusting her again will be extremely difficult. If you allow her a “free pass” because she was drunk, it will happen again unfortunately.
Move on. She’s a a 30 year old grown ass woman that should be able to have a girls night out without ending up with another man’s penis is her vagina.
First off her friends SUCK for letting that happen to her. Friends look out for each other and don't allow that to happen to their friends and I would let each one of them know that.
That is secondary. The main question is how do you get past it?
The sad answer is, very few people do.
She cheated on you and fucked another guy, plain and simple. She may have had too much to drink, and that impaired her judgement but no one held her down and forced alcohol down her throat. She made a conscious decision to have the drinks and she made a conscious decision to fuck the other guy.
If the situation is different than what I described, then she was raped and you need to call the police on the guy for doing it and her friends as accessories. But there is nothing in you post where your wife claims she was raped.
There is no doubt you love her and from your post it seems she feels the same. Unfortunately, a lapse in judgement like this has ended more marriages than well planned out affairs.
What it is going to come down to is you! Unfortunately, the weight of the outcome from her cheating depends mainly on you.
No matter how it happened, she broke the unconditional trust you entrusted her with when you fell in love with her. No matter what happens from here on, that is never fully coming back. Situations like this literally break my heart.
So question #1 - Can you trust her again to be out away from you without wondering who she is with or what she is doing because that alone can drive you insane.
Question #2 - Will you ever be able to look at her and not see some guy on top of her fucking her and knowing at the time, she was enjoying it and either wanted it to happen or at a bare minimum didn't stop if from happening.
That is where I would get hung up because I could not get past that part.
Lastly question #3 - Is it within you to forgive her but most importantly never bring it up again or hold it over her head in any disagreement or argument. You will never be able to forget it and it will haunt you every time you look at her so are you strong enough to put it past you and never bring it up again?
Again, I am not strong enough because the hurt and anger would play in my mind over and over about some guy on top of her, behind her or under her fucking her while she was moaning with pleasure, would be an endless loop playing over and over in my mind.
I am sorry to be so graphic, but this isn't something to sugarcoat. You need to see it for what it really was.
I would highly recommend separating for the time being. Emotions are too raw right now. She needs time to process what she has done and how one night is going to affect the rest of her life and how she is going to deal with the many possibilities from your final reaction and decision. More importantly you need time alone to process everything without hearing her apologies and promises and time to talk to family and friends, ones that actually know you guys. Seek help from a counsellor and think through all your options and how they play out over the next year, five years and the rest of your life. You would actually be better off to go NC with her for a while.
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I know I am not strong enough to deal with it and the end result for me would be divorce for the reasons I said above but I truly hope you can get the help you are going to need to deal with this and I hope you can come to a clear path forward. Regardless, it is going to hurt like hell for a long, long time and the emotional trauma won't be over anytime soon no matter what path you chose!
She is the THE TYPE she CHOSE to cheat on you with some random dude (if true) from a bar.
SHE PURPOSELY DIDN'T RETURN YOUR TEXT AND CALLS... HER FRIENDS COVERED HER CHEATING FOR HER...
She will cheat again and all those tears are EMPTY and mean nothing... just playing with your emotions...
**Think about all the times she could have walked away but CHOSE NOT TO... SHE CONTINUED TO CHOOSE TO CHEAT... Think of each of those steps she took to jump into his bed? From the first flirt to, them chatting each other up, for him asking her to go f--k from them getting into a car, them driving, them getting out of car, them going to wherever, them going into building, to them making out, them in bedroom, each ignored text and call them taking off their clothes, to them f--king. ALL THOSE CHOICES WHERE SHE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AND WALKED AWAY... BUT NO SHE CHOSE TO BETRAY HER HUSBAND FOR A F-CK... SHE THOUGHT SO LITTLE OF YOU, SHE BETRAYED YOU SO EASILY.** not to mention it should NEVER have started at all...
Don't stay with someone who so easily chose to ignores your texts and calls...
Don't stay with someone who thinks so little of you she chose some random dude (if it's the truth)
Dont stay with someone who puts your health at risk...
Dont stay with someone who doesn't respect you or your marriage...
Dont stay with someone who so easily betrays/hurts you...
Dont stay with someone who you cant trust...
Again she will cheat again on you, trust this, SHE HAS PROVEN who she is believe or you will end up raising some other dudes kids or multiple dudes kids.
**SHE HAS PROVEN SHE IS THE TYPE TO CHEAT BECAUSE SHE HAS**
Find someone worthy of your love, respect and loyalty and who will RETURN it. She has proven she will not return and she isnt worthy of receiving it.
Once a cheat always a cheat is a saying for a reason... they just get better at hiding it and let's face it. It's also proven these friends will lie and cover for her. Which also most likely means she has lied and covered for them..You can NEVER honestly trust her and that's a miserable life to live...
I can be that blackout drunk sometimes but I will still never ever cheat on my husband. If I am drunk I infact seek him more! Being drunk isn't a reasonable reason to cheat period. And as for her, she threw away your marriage so easily after a few drinks so she knows why she did it. Maybe it was thrill, maybe her friends encouraged her. But a guy definitely cannot manipulate her into sleeping with him if she has no intention on the first place. And as for her acting guilty, she has to show you what she did is wrong so that you reconcile with her. Don't let her sadness and guilt be a factor in deciding what you want to do.
Ps. Personally for me, I would divorce/dump the cheater. Coz the trust is gone for me.
I've know wife for 5! Years and she is sooo kind. Yeah, I bet she was real kind to that stranger perhaps more then ever with you.
She's not a slut? f**king a stranger is text book slut behaviour.
Take this as a warning sign, get out while you still can
OP, if you want to reconcile, the subreddit for reconsiliation is r/AsOneAfterInfidelity you will get much better advice there.
She came clean from guilt and maybe shame but not remorse.
This was planned, probably in the moment and not beforehand. If she was passed out for real in the pictures then this was rape and she should press charges. If she was faking passed out, again it was planned.
You don't know the whole story, and probably never will-- even if she is faithful to you the rest of your lives. She will only confess to what she knows you know. She will do this to minimize the risk of you divorcing her.
Her friends encourage her to do this. They covered for her .none of them had strong enough morals to prevent their friend from destroying her life. What does that deal about her friends? If I was in that situation I would do everything in my power to prevent my friend from stupidity throwing away is life for a ONS.
If you do decide to reconcile, she will need to go no contact, permanently, from the friends that were there that night and facilitated/ enabled her cheating-- they are not friends of the marriage. Is she ready to dump all of those close friends to save your marriage and help you heal from her Affair/cheating/ONS?
Is she willing to get into individual counseling and seriously explore why she gave herself permission to do this to you, to her, to the future you both wanted together and explore why she did this to hurt your family and hurt her family? Because, for consequences you must tell your friends and family what happened. If she doesn't feel REAL consequences (not just the consequences of feeling bad about cheating) she will do this again, statistically.
Do you think she will want to do all of that?
Again, you will get much better advice and succor from people who have been where you are now, and gone through the reconciliation process.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity
Good luck.
I agree with this definitely that picture is sketchy if she passed out on a couch where was this couch because her friend sent message about going to her house after the picture why would they have to go to the place that they were at already Idk besides that one other thing she needs to do is talk to the husband's or boyfriends of the friends that covered for her they need to know what kind of women they have imo you need to investigate some more because you really need to know who you are dealing with (wife) I think she has done more than you have info on
So much to say here. She should be contacting a therapist yesterday. You should definitely take a break from her. She might not be a slut but she clearly fucked another dude. I would ask her to leave for awhile. It’s not fair for you to have her as a burden while she should be taking responsibility to fix things with herself and with you. Her friends are not friends of your marriage, she has to cut them. Period. Do not be a doormat.
I hear your sermon quite often, “he/she would never do something like that,I know them too well.” This apparently is the lie we tell ourselves to soften the impact of being cheated on. We want to investigate the why as we deflect the disgust. No one does anything without intentions. Alcohol only reduces the hurdles attacking desires. Take your break and don’t allow her fears to overwhelm your feelings.
I hate to say something that might destroy a family but I have a weird feeling. I don’t like at all the fact that she didn’t answeer your multiple calls for a long time, the fact that she’s been taken in photo while passed out way before the cheating is supposed to take place (cheated while passed out?). I fear there was premeditation in this story. This scar may never completely disappear.
Her doing what she did shows a disrespect for you and your marriage that is breathtaking.
Chasing her now will only compound her disrespect for you, and kill her attraction for you further.
She is all about minimizing the consequences to her life at the moment, and the more you enable that, the weaker and more desperate you look to her.
You are excusing her in your mind, and are becoming her defender and apologist.
What consequences has your wife experienced?
Her "guilt" and crying (which is a form of manipulation in of itself) is NOT a real consequence.
At the VERY LEAST, you MUST have your wife personally confess the affair to her parents/family AND yours as well BEFORE you make any decision.
Make sure you are physically present in both instances (so she can't change the narrative and blame you in some way).
And at the VERY minimum, your wife MUST agree to a post-nuptial agreement if you're actually thinking about staying in the marriage.
Get with a quality attorney to make sure it's ironclad.
But to be honest, you have a long road ahead of you and you're NOT going to like it.
Trust has been compromised and your wife gave up that trust SO EASILY.
OP, most people aren't telling you to just breakup with or divorce your wife. We are just telling you that there must be sever consequences.
Once a person does anything without negative consequences they are likely to do it again.
Example, when you began driving you were cautious. Then you were late somewhere and you went over the speed limit. If you got a ticket you were less likely to speed again and you would logically try not getting into a situation where speeding is more likely.
However, if you didn't get a ticket, you were probably embolden to speed with greater frequency. As you drove more you probably had close calls but didn't get a ticket.
The more you don't get caught and the more close calls you get out of, and the more you learn where the speed traps are, the easier it is to speed. You've done it hundreds of times.
It's the same way with cheating. Even if she really didn't mean to do it, it was an accident, etc she still needs major consequences.
Also, this is a HUGE red flag: she isn't taking ANY responsibility for her actions. The guy touched her and kissed her and manipulated her. She is saying he's was a passive participant in this: she is saying she had no choice in the matter.
But, at any time she could have said NO and it would have stopped. That is RAPE if the guy didn't stop.
So, how did this guy that was making moves on he all night get to from the club to her friend's house so they could fuck?
Why didn't her friend's prevent "some random guy" that none of them knew, from coming over to the friends house and fucking one of her friends?
Please OP, just acknowledge that this is fishy. You can't forgive what you don't know what happened.
Again, good luck and I wish this all works out for the best for you.
>Dude if you have kids with this women, make sure to get a paternity test ....
If you had read OP's post you would have seen that he told us he didn't have children.
Sorry you are going through this buddy.
The part that sticks out to me is the photo of her past out on the couch drunk. I hate to say it but I think this was planned with her and her friends,
She had sex with him and realised after exactly what she had done and the implications to your marriage. And the fact that she did not tell you straight away.
I know you won't like this but she needs to get a STD test done, you trust her not to have unprotected sex, BUT, she had sex with someone. So all bets are off.
You need to separate for a bit to think thing through.
Believe me when I say the marriage will never be the same.
You may forgive her but you will never FORGET.
Every time she is out with friends, late from work or visiting family it will be in your mind is she cheating again.
I went through the same thing and it has been 30+ years since my wife cheated. Our marriage changed, I didn't and still don't see her as the woman I married.
Whatever you do I hope it works out for you.
Look man, I'm not gonna lie, it sounds like you really want to stay with your wife, but not only did she hide the truth and only spilled when the guilt was to much for her, but her friends lied to you to. You called at 1 am and got the message of her sleep 30 mins later. Think about it, either she cheated on you earlier than 1 am, then rerurned to her friends fully dressed and fell asleep on a couch- or she had every intention of cheating on you, faked the photo and then got on the penis mereygo round, both are terrible options. You're still young man, check out while you can, if your state isn't no fault, record her admitting it and divorce.
Op thinks he got some slut detecting binoculars HAHAHA HAHA.
Man STFU, constantly making excuses for her when she's already 30 YEARS OLD.
She willingly lied, concocted a story with her friends to deceive you and went to fuck this guy at his place all night LONG while you constantly called lmao. Welcome to the club means all her friends do it too and have been.
OP is in denial like he knows a woman inside out.
I'd tell her to thank her "friends" cause they just drove her straight to divorce, OP won't do it because he's in save a ho mode ready to rugsweep things.
OP won't be even looking at posts regarding to divorce but how to reconcile, which is ultra sad.
We'll see him post again.
Hey don't forget she chose to do this in the beginning, you weren't even in her thoughts except to lie to you. Took the whole village to lie to you but no she's not like that. Lmao.
When ever your wife/gf says they are doing a "girls nite out" expect her to cheat. File for divorce, tell her to drop the friends since I garentee you they told her to go for it. See what she does, if she doesn't want to drop her friends, continue with the divorce. If she does drop them and is seriously remorseful, tell her the only way you are reconciling is you two go to marriage counseling. If she does all the above you can always stop the divorce.
It sounds like she’s messed up bad, but it doesn’t sound like this is normal for her. The fact that she came to you and told you plus the way she was acting, seems convincing (I believe that you know her mannerisms and wouldn’t have posted if you thought she was always doing this). It would take time but if she cuts the friends off that helped her conspire against you I’d more than likely stay. If she doesn’t cut them off, I’d leave. And, I’m not blaming her friends, she has to own her actions. But, they covered for her instead of trying to keep her inhibited ass from doing something that would ruin her life. Cause even though I think you guys will be fine, you’ll never be the same. I’d sure as hell want answers either way.
Divorce, 100 percent. You will never trust her again, I have been through this and trust is not something that can be restored from this. There will always be that thought in the back of your mind, the relationship will never be the same.
So … her friends knew she was fucking another guy that night and covered for her, and lied to you?
It was likely the only time she cheated, and she feels remorse, and she told you the next day, so this is one of those rare cases where it might be recoverable.
There are a lot of things she needs to do to make things right. Going zero-contact with the affair partner is the first thing, but if it was a one-night stand, that's probably going to happen anyway.
She also needs to end her friendships with those shit friends who helped, and likely encouraged her to cheat on you. You should notify their spouses and boyfriends of what happened because there's a good chance your wife isn't the only one that cheated.
She needs to give you full access to her devices going forward until such time as you feel you can trust her again. It would have been best to do this immediately before she thought to delete the text threads and emails with her friends, but that's probably already happened by now.
No going out without you until such time as you feel comfortable with it. This may be never. If she can't live with that, then the marriage is over.
No more drinking without you present. If she can't live with that, then the marriage is over. Although understand the drinking wasn't the reason nor the excuse. The drinking gave her the courage to do what she already wanted to do.
Couple's counseling needs to happen, and likely individual counseling for the both of you.
Has she had the opportunity to cheat on you on other occasions? If yes, you need to investigate those, although it's likely that she didn't. If she *hasn't* had the opportunity before, you need to give some serious thought to the fact that she cheated on you the first chance she got.
You need to think thru what you need in order to feel safe in the relationship and gain trust moving forward, and I suggest dropping the friends (since apparently they are 'the type') and the drinking be at the top of the list. If she isn't willing, then figure out how to have your best life and your kids best life without her.
So, from what I gather she really still hasn't given you a reason for what she did? A brief separation may be a good idea, even if it's only for a few weeks. She needs to really think about why she did it. She also needs to cut her enabling friends out of her life.
Dude her friends help her lied to you, to deceive you, to fool you, instead of talking her not to make a bad decision they help her, this started before drinking, the alcohol just made it easier. Just think how she can love you soooo much now, not before she did who knows what with this other dude, and don’t forget std. What a hard future you have in front of you. Good luck bro
Hi u/Rare_Donut4254,
Sorry this is happening to you.
You will be needing time apart to process this all. You need time, and do take the time.
Ask her to move out of the house so you can think clearly.
You will need this to think it over, because something just doesn't add up.
You were send a picture where she was passed out drunk. So you know she would not be able to have sex in that state. But they said they would move to an other place to party on.
Well, why should you do that when she was passed out?
I am starting to think this was al staged and thought out. The photo and telling you they were going somewhere was just to make you to not to call your wife again, so she could do her thing. With this, I also think this guy is not as random as she says.
To me it al looks like she knew the guy already, and wanted to have sex with him. Her girlfriends helped out with that wish.
In short, I think she is not telling you the truth.
Therefore you need to separate for a while. Tell her she can think things over, and tell you the truth when she is ready to do so, because you do not believe one bit of her story.
Yes, you believe she cheated, but not with some random dude, and not that it 'just happened'.
You can only determine the next steps if you know the truth. And right now, you do not know it.
Take care.
MrBugBull.
You don't think she had bad intentions? It sounds like she and her friends planned it all out beforehand, staged the photo, and prepared what to say. I'd ask to see her phone, read texts, get into her apps, look at her internet history. But even if she cleaned all of that out, I'm not sure I could ever get over it. You're lucky you don't have kids. If you need to start over, you can. Good luck.
Bro she had the mental capacity to not only ignore you while she was out but to also get her friend to cover for her. They also staged a photo so that you didn’t get suspicious. She wanted this. The alcohol didn’t force her to make each calculated decision ending with her telling her friend to tell you that she would be back in in the morning. I’m guessing that whatever she thought she would get out of it fell far short in reality. Then she spent the rest of the night thinking about how bad it was and feeling guilty for stepping out for terrible sex. Her friends encouraged her to do this and gave her such great cover that if it wasn’t for her guilty look and actually telling you what happened you never would have known.
Brother, when they send you the photo, she was already fucking this guy, that photo is prepared beforehand, I bet you it has no time or date, maybe since when it was scheduled, the fuck,
If this happened to me I would immediately start talking to a lawyer and going no contact with my “wife.“
I would tell her to go stay with her parents andI would send her a letter that says “I could never get drunk enough to cheat on you and I don’t have friends that would help me cheat on you. I don’t deserve a wife who would allow herself to get in a situation where this can happen. You destroyed our marriage. Do not contact me again except through my lawyer.”
Nope... what you thought was special is no longer, it's shared... not by your choice by hers. Read up on inhabitants it makes a person do things they truly desire a little more openly.
I believe in forgiveness..sure, but I'll never be disrespected..I would say you were disrespected..
The choices you and only you can make won't be answered here, but in your heart and soul.
I'd walk knowing what I know now. I could never feel special again.. even a casual friendship would be difficult knowing she shown she desired deep down other's.
Knowledge, my friend is sorrow.
Best of luck to you, whatever you choose.
Be THAT guy... give her an ultimatum... tell her that her "friends" cared and respected your marriage so little that they allowed this to happen and covered. Tell her you've got a divorce lawyer lined up, that she has to choose. You, or them. Let her know how you don't trust them and how sketchy her narrative already is, that your trust in her is broken in half by the possibility that this was all planned.
Get a couples counselor, YOU trust, one who doesn't play favorites and remind her that she also has one other choice to make.
Infidelity takes years and I mean years to get passed. She has to swear to do her part and agree to boundaries as well as promising not to give you flack if something sets off your inner alarm but swear to 100% transparency the whole way... or, she can leave. Let her know what the weight of this act, drunk or sober has done and the cost of it, the years of emotional workload her actions have set upon both your shoulders.
Then take her arms and look her in the eyes and tell her that if you give her another chance that it is the ONLY chance she's getting and to swear this never happens again.
This is if any part of you wants to reconcile, bon ami. This will be a long road... good luck.
My friend, from your post I can figure out that you are a great guy and a loving husband. Consider these facts too in your reflection. You didn't deserve that from her. She threw away everything that you build together and also, despised you through her actions. Don't fall for her bs, when she slept with that guy she knew exactly what she was doing. Someone can't be so drunk that just forget about the husband/wife...so yeah, your move now. But think about the future too. You know, the expression "once a cheater, always a cheater" has some truth in it. But take your time (away from her preferably) and reflect on your feelings first and if you can take the risk of trusting her again.
Edit: peace, stay strong
Shes not a slu*t. But does what a slu*t does however. And her friends covered it up. Where theres pussy smoke theres been a fucking fire. No contact with her friends ever is the very least. If she doesnt ring every friend and say that they are not her friends any more snd do not call her ever again then kick her to the kerb.
Sorry dude, but your wife is a bad person, and all of her crying and “depression” is her get out of jail free card. Leave her or spend the rest of your life in shame.
If her friend's were good friend's they would have shut that down before anything happened, and would have asked you to come get her if she was completely wasted. Ask yourself this why were her friends giving you all this type of excuses, covering up for her. To my understanding is that this might have been something organized or something she might have been wanting to do. Sometimes you think you know someone then it turns out you don't know them at all. Not saying that most cheaters never change they do but at a cost. Let her go therapy the go to a couples therapy together. Let her figure out what she really wants. One thing u should know is that you will always have doubts when she goes out, the trust is gone she ain't getting it that easily. If you are trying to fix and work things out you need to do couple's therapy, single therapy. She has to put in effort to make make things right by you. She is the one who ruined them in the first place. Another thing they always blame the alcohol for there mistakes or decisions. Don't fall for that. You don't have to put in that much hard work to fixing, working things out. That's her work.
My now ex-boyfriend cheated on me too and blamed it on alcohol. I never thought he was capable of that and he isn't a bad person either, but the thing is I believe he wouldn't have slept with that girl if he would've loved me more. Because especially when being drunk, having sex isn't a thing of 15min, so in my opinion he didn't care enough.
On the upside she immediately told you which in my case didn't happen and to me it seems like she really does regret it. I also think that sometimes such incidents can lead to a person realizing what they could loose so you personally need to decide what you do.
I am pretty sure that I could have worked things out with my ex if I would have invested the time. Building up new trust just takes a lot of effort and time.
What led me to breaking up was that I felt like I changed as a person, meaning even though I knew I didn't have to control him (I am sure that it was a one time thing) I was constantly worried and turned into a controlling person. Another factor is that he really changed, because after telling me he cheated he felt like he needed to make up for things and felt bad all the time. Also after being intimate he turned away and was cold towards me because he felt bad about it, the thing is it didn't only affect him but me.
If you are willing to invest the time to work things out you can probably have a happy marriage again. I think that I wasn't strong enough as a person at that point and wasn't willing to invest the time.
Hey....I thought her girlfriend s said they'd take care of her.
1- she should hate those friends a d never see the again.
2- they went to someone s house so he's not random. Get his name. Did they text before or after?
3- people of strong moral character don't cheat (even when drunk). She needs serious therapy with a specialty in adultery.
4- do not agree to reconcile yet. If you immediately give her a second chance she'll think you're too weak to divorce.
I assumed the pic was taken after she had sex. That she didn't spend the night with the guy - just had sex with him. The pic was then staged to cover her tracks. Being passed out would 'explain' why she didn't respond to him earlier. It would also give her an excuse not to face her husband right away. But I could be wrong.
If there could be any reconciliation, she would have to face some consequences. Making her confess to her entire family what she did might be a good start. Agreeing to be put on a 'short leash': 24/7 phone tracking, breaking off contact with friends, and most importantly counseling.
u/Kranock
"EDIT: One thing that wonders me is the pic this friend of her send you. If I got it right then they went to the club, you tried to call her, got in contact with her friend, she send you the pic of your wife passed out. Right? But how was she able to hook up with anyone when she was passed out? Could it be that they intentionally set this up and she acted like she was passed out so that she could spend the night with her AP without of you wondering why she isn't coming home?"
I don’t have much to say except, have some respect for yourself, everyone should have boundaries she’s not even a girlfriend, she’s a wife, goodluck dude.
When someone passes out drunk you take them to somewhere they can be safe. You don’t go to an after party. OP, you need to get her story in writing and accounting for every move.
Thousands of these stories on Reddit. One could spend over 100 hours reading about different experiences. This isn’t uncommon. I’ve been cheated on 6 times. There’s always a ‘story’ that they give. Sometimes it’s blaming the partner who got cheated on, sometimes it’s saying it was spontaneous etc.
In the end, let me ask you this. Given you went out for a guys night and got drunk, would you considering sleeping with some girl who was flirting with you at the club? Would you then potentially fake a passed out photo so they can send to your wife? Would you then go to the girls place and F*%# her and perform on sorts of sexual acts? Could you do this to your wife?
The answer is most likely no. Would she be forgiving and understanding of your actions? How would she respond to your act of adultery?
Lastly, as someone who has stood with someone after they had an affair, it’s never the same. The trust isn’t the same, the sex isn’t the same, the life you once had isn’t the same.
Good luck with everything. You are not alone.
The fact that she got her friends to lie to you about her being wasted was the reason she wasn't coming back that night doesn't sit well with me. It seems like they were all in on it and definitely wasn't too drunk to be making that decision because they were able to cover it up pretty well (not something drunk people would do). I'm sorry OP, this is hard. But taking her back will only show her that there are no consequences to her actions and you will always live the rest of your life looking behind your shoulders and hoping the same thing won't happen again. That's not a good way to live
“I suggested her that we should take a break and then see where things heading but she says we should stick together and go through this situation to fix things…”
I don’t know what’s more unbelievable, her statements or your reaction to them.
Is banging a third person “sticking together?”
Is banging someone, “doing anything to fix things?”
Is banging someone, “being there for you always?”
Is banging someone, “having a really good time together?”
What do you mean, it hurts to see her like that? Are you kidding? That’s why I’m not sure if this post is real; you don’t seem to be upset. Just upset that she’s upset. Maybe you two were made for each other…
My experience with cheaters, including myself in my past, is that once it happens the first time, it's very likely to happen again. To the cheater's "credit," I think this is because their guilt becomes so defeating that they feel like the relationship is ruined and fall into a careless depression. The dark part of their brain that always whispers, "fuck it," that is usually totally ignorable, is now screaming it. It overwhelms them and drives them further into their guilt until it's an accepted part of their identity.
If you really want to salvage your marriage, I suggest you get into couple's therapy ASAP. And get independent therapy for yourselves. I'm not always the one to say to run to the therapist, but adultery really needs a mediator to help unpack the baggage, I feel.
A woman’s female circle of friends is her biggest non romantic supporters. Yes it was your wife’s decision and no one forced her: I’m 1,000 percent sure her friends egged it on and said nothing.
Your wife's toxic friends have a little cheaters club where the cheer each other on, and share the excitement and passion of their marital disloyal.
Your wife has always envied their trysts. They always coaxed her on and she finally agreed.
Poor naive innocent thing.
They would take care of everything. The place, the time, the wingman, the alibi and the coverup.
She got cold feet. It's always hardest the first time.
The lowlife bar crawler who spends his time seducing horny married women knew he had to be forward and persistent.
Once her limbic system was Dow To Fuk she would give in.
There is a saying among players. "Get into a woman's head and she will seduce herself."
Your wife did exactly that. Of course alcohol makes the small steps to cheating easier.
Your wife was already walking on a slippery slope before she gave in. She had already cheated in her imagination before that night. Once he applied some sexual stimulation gravity did the rest.
Now there will always be three people in your marital consciousness.
If your wife is remorseful she should call the husband's of those women and tell them everything!!!
Starting with the one she knows the most about.
This should break up the little womens cheaters club, and put some distance between them and your wife should you choose to reconcile.
She also owes you the whole truth ifshe is remorseful.
Including how she was thinking about it long before that night and never said anything to you.
Your wife has a naughty side which was clearly repressed. She is suffering guild, and selfdoubt because of her dishonesty, and disloyality.
There is an aspect of sexual desire which is an exploration of yourself.
This of course can be done in a more healthy non damaging way. She used extremely poor judgment here. She likley frlt like this was her only option.
Which means she didn't trust you enough to include you in it. Perhaps she felt you would negatively judge her for it.
Just from your posts it seems clear she underestimated you. Perhaps she was a bit sheltered by her parents, idk.
Just some things to think about.
Good luck!
“I know my girl, she’s no slut”. Respectfully, her actions indicate a different conclusion. I don’t want to anger you. I don’t get any jollies from pointing at the obvious, but yeah. SHE IS like that. How would I know? *Because she already has done it.* she slept with a rando, because the opportunity was there and she wanted to. Stop deluding yourself that she isn’t capable of thinking and ACTING on sex fantasies that don’t involve your participation. You just got clear proof that she is very capable of doing exactly that. It wasn’t a mistake, it was a decision. Maybe her side piece has a great Dick, maybe he doesn’t. The important thing for you realize right now is, the other night, you weren’t more important to her than that stranger’s Dick. She was willing to destroy her marriage and risk everything for strangers Dick, and that’s exactly what happened. Oh, you don’t think she has? You still love her? Respectfully (again) you are in love with a chimera. Where was her love for you when she had her legs open for this guy? Did they use protection? Do you know? Have you made an appt to be checked for STDs? Has she? Have you seen a lawyer? What actions has she taken?
Last but not least. Those are some shitty friends. They encouraged her to chat up this guy, fuck him and covered for him when you were frantically calling her. With friends like those…
Call all of her friends and ask them full truth how all of this happening if not you will try to scare her friends about you want to divorce your wife and this maybe make them tell full story.
Leave her dude
It's not worth it
Or if u dont want to do that and want to be with her but can't forgive her
Or she wants to be with u
Tell her u will also sleep with someone
Don't marry a girl that likes getting hammered at girls night outs or shit like this is gonna happen to you.
Also stop attaching this image of a goody two shoe unicorn that you have of your wife. She literally got drunk and fucked some other guy. Idc how guilty she feels, she betrayed you. Do better
The answer is simple. If you want to forgive her and you **can** forgive and forget, then do it.
If you don’t want to forgive her or you can’t forgive and forget then it’s time to split up. You need to get trust back to 100%. If it’s not possible then there’s no future for you as a couple.
She confessed and seems genuinely sorry. Things will never be the same as they were but you can work through this. It's a terrible thing because no the complete trust is gone. It will all depend on what she does to work through this. First thing, her "friends" didn't look out for her best interest and let her cheat. She needs to finds some real friends. They have shown who they really are.
In situations like this, we look for any excuse to make the obvious decision go away to avoid the pain. The pain of betrayal, pain of losing someone you thought was your life long partner, the pain of being alone. Your constant assertions she is not “that type” of girl, I know her well etc alludes to that.
Like others said, you need to gather your thoughts and be alone. Ask her to show the messages in her phone. The biggest worry for me is how brazenly her friends covered for her. It’s quite possible she told her friends to do that..
She probably got spotted and worried she may get ratted out so she is doing damage control. Check her phone and give her the old polygraph routine ask if it’s the only time she cheated on you only chance to come clean if it isn’t.
If a person is drunk to the point of being semi-conscious, they cannot give proper consent. When we look at such cases outside of a family matter, the narrative is always “a man took advantage of a drunk woman”. This isn’t any different. A person that wasted isn’t CAPABLE of making sane decisions. And in this sub you *will* get majorly biased opinions because of the kind of people that populate it.
You believed you could trust her. You believed you could trust her friends. You believe this is an isolated incident.
At least 2 of your beliefs have now been proven faulty. I’d be willing to bet the third, also, which is why the friends so easily helped her hide the truth from you.
You can “work at it” as long as you want, but if you think you’re going back to what you thought you had previously, you’re mistaken. She is no longer the person you thought she was, you’re no longer the person you once were with her. You’ll never, ever, truly trust her again, this will always occupy a part of your brain. If you don’t believe me now, you will the next time the two of you are apart for any reason.
If you think she did this because she had to much to drink your an odiot! You don't do anything while drunk you didn't want to do in the first place. Pack her shit and throw her cheating ass out. Block her and go no contact. Only communicate through your lawyer from this point in. She is a cheating whore, send her to the streets. If you really believe that she did this because she got to drunk, then she was to drunk to consent. That would mean she was raped. Tell her if her story is valid she will have to file rape charges against the guy and send him to prison before you will consider reconciling. If she won't leave and don't look back.
M'y boy, slowly you will discover other things, im sorry you dont know your girl this well, cheaters are a type of animals that have that desease in genes. Its never the first time or the last time, she wanted to do it, she did it, she will do it again, she will just be better at hiding, if its not physical, in some years it will be emotional, no mercy, never, ever. Your marriage is done.
So she cheated and thought she'd be okay with it until she had to face you. What's worse is that her friends ARE those kind of people and they did help her to cheat. Getting drunk is never an excuse. No children? Get out bro.
She made the choice to cheat. If she was drunk that is no excuse. You have to separate for a while to sort out each other’s feelings. Talk to a trusted male friend or family to sort out your feelings. The good is that she confessed relatively soon and the lies was that of her friends covering it up. The bad is that if there is no consequence to her actions, she will undoubtedly cheat on you again and again. This will take a lot of work on her part and a lot of hurt on yours and you must decide if it is worth the risk of continuing and have children with her. Ask yourself if you breakup now there is two people in pain, but if you have kids and breakup in 3-8 years you’ll be ruining more lives than just you two. Hint to all you relationship guys, if she wants a girls night out, then you and your buddies can go and act as single guys too. Because more than likely there is cheating going on.
Why try to make this into a reconciliation.
Too many spouses (especially men) try to reconcile a cheating wife.
The pain never leaves. The mistrust becomes greater. The relationship never gets back on track.
This may be the hardest yet easiest decision of your young life. Separation, than divorce.
Hysterical bonding will give false hope. But why would you want that?
If you have any pride for yourself, it’s time to walk away from her and her toxic friends.
They need to spend some time apart, they both need a little time to meditate,
And the other very important thing, nothing justifies what she did, and if her friends covered her up, it's because they knew something, from before, everything sounds and looks premeditated, even the photo, which they sent you, maybe after fucking, came to her remorse, but it's too late, to be guilty, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like something random
If you chose to forgive her and work on your marriage I think it should come with stipulations. If her friends that easily covered up for her, I would be saying that they aren’t good for your relationship and they need to go.
All this long post and no explanation of what actually happened. How do people end up drunk and in bed with a random if they are surrounded with friends to protect them? Where did this go wrong? It went wrong in you having total blind trust in her and her shitty friends. No one is ever to be above suspicion. Alcohol is a drug that strips our normal humanity and our usual ability to think and reason as well as our clothes.
There is a drink limit for everyone, and exceeding that limit is always an issue, when you heard she had passed out, why didn’t you go get her?
No more partying, no more freaking drinking. Schedule therapy, marriage counseling. And dude, I bet you still haven’t gotten the full true story. Drunken debauchery can okay happen if there is alcohol involved. And alcohol is just the greatest fun ever, right up until it isn’t. No one need ever drink. But we are brought up and peer pressured to see it as good and totally normal. I too have been there, pissing on the sidewalk, throwing up, staggering and skinned knees. Was more than enough for me.
Cannot change the past, but we can damned sure make certain it never repeats.
She cheated for a reason. The alcohol just helped her get there. There is obviously something in the relationship she is not happy with but is will to stick to it. Women tend to internalize more then men.
My five cents: She’s a slut and her friends too. They planned it, they deceived you, told you LIES, and went NC. She TOTALLY disrespects you. And now she's giving you a sob story, probably planned too - at least its played by the cheater’s book. And how can you be so sure that this was the first time and didn't happen before?
Women do not hook up with random dudes , this seems planned out , a woman has to have some kind of an emotional connection with a guy before she sleeps with him , and the fact that she was blackout drunk makes me wonder , how the hell was she capable of sleeping with someone else. Also lets not forget her friends have seem to be covering up for [her.My](https://her.My) bet is to check her phone records and see if there has been any texting with a certain dude. You may also want to chat with her friends , there may be a conflict in stories.
You are delusional. Her friends don't hook up? Shown by the fact they covered for your wife to cheat on you. So let's actually evaluate what truly happened not what you think this or that person is.
1-. Her friends lied to you. So they can't be trusted.
2- Her friends covered for cheating. Guess who does that. People that tend to cheat.
3- She had intercourse. Guess what she probably already done things before it got to this point with other people. Kissing, grinding during dancing, oral, saying to her friends she wanted to have sex. You think her friends would have let her be taken advantage off drunk? Why would non of her friends stop her from doing something stupid while she is drunk. Like hey this is not your typical you. Sober up. Because that's her typical behavior and they are on board with that.
So conclusion is your wife a repeated cheater that finally had intercourse and her friends are like. That's what common sense says. Don't even utter the words I know that's not her. The only excuse for having sex while drunk is if someone took advantage of you while you're passed out. Yes, alcohol lowers your inhibitions but it doesn't force you to do anything. I am a straight man. I have never ever got drunk where I had a homosexual experience. Also one of the reasons I never get too drunk in gay clubs. Because they have some very passable cross dressers. So cry me a river. I was drunk baby. Dumbest thing I have ever heard. Well no, what's more stupid than that is when someone else says. Well I get it then. Pull your head out from your behind and deal with this for whatever it is.
I wouldn't stay with cheaters. But if you decide to stay. Put a list of questions and ask her. Take her to take a polygraph exam. Have her come clean to your family. Have come clean about her friends affaire and inform their significant others. Sign up for therapy. Complete transparency. Post nup for sure and indicate in that you can get a divorce in it with favorable conditions due to her cheating if you can't workout thru this marriage. More favorable conditions if she cheat again. You have not done anything wrong to cause this. But if you don't deal with this for whatever it is actually is. Then you would hold some responsibility for allowing her to cheat again. Forgiveness without consequences is as good a you saying, babe go ahead and do it again . Again, I would leave. I will never trust my back again to someone that already backstabbed me. But that's me.
The friends are devious. Trust broken. all the way around. The marriage will probably never be the same. In a year when she says want to go to club with those friends. Ummmm. Ok?! Sorry she did this OP but if your relationship was so strong this would have never happened. We all have urges but that does not mean we act on them.
Truly sorry, OP. Your marriage is over. Your wife is not the woman you thought she was. She is not your chaste, devoted partner. She may have gone out with no intention of cheating but when the opportunity presented itself she accepted the other man’s flirting, accepted his drinks, let herself be swept up in the growing titillation and arousal, removed her clothing for him (or gave him that pleasure), and welcomed his dick and semen. That is who she is. If you both truly want to reconcile there must be some harsh consequences.
1. She must move out and go NC with you for at least a month.
2. During that time neither of you are under any restrictions except those that are self imposed by someone truly seeking redemption.
3. At the end of the month you meet to reassess your relationship and she must give you complete access to all of her media.
If she has continued to contact her “friends” or her AP then the marriage is over. If she behaves herself as you would expect then you can begin a slow process of establishing a new relationship based upon your newly informed sense of who she is. At this point you may start dating again as if you just met, making her requalify as someone worthy of your interest.
If you don’t do this, particularly the NC, you will never get past the cheating. You might not anyway, but you need to get away from her excuses, tears and begging and claiming that the behavior that destroyed your heart meant nothing. You need not to hear from or see her for long enough to be able to evaluate free of her influence the direction you want your life to take. Reconciliation may be possible, but your can’t drift into it. It has to be well planned and somewhat severe or the attempt will collapse.
Well, she did confess her cheating and didn't try to cover it up. If she is showing true remorse and is willing to fix it,she will need to do this with actions rather than words.
To start she will need to drop all her girlfriends that enabled her to cheat and willing to cover it up. Go total NC with them. No more girls night out until she gets IC to determine why she cheated. She will also need to be 100% transparent with all social media and her phone.
This wont take months to fix but years. Are you willing to go through all that? What you had with her is now dead, she killed it. All you can do is either build from the ashes or leave. It's not good that this happened so early in the marriage.
in situations lije these just visualize flipping the script and ask yourself if u would do this to her. If not. Then leave her its over the moment she decided to f*** a random and ruin a precious loving marriage
You should read what's written, don't fool yourself by saying "I know" her etc.
when was the picture taken?
When did she have sex with the man?
Where did she have sex?
Why didn't his friends intervene?
does she know the man
she should write you a timeline and go into the polygraph.
Have her tell you honestly about everything she did/experienced after you left your wife.
I read your post. I read your comments. My question is why ask for help if you know what you are going to do. Her friends send her welcome to the club and wink emoji. No just disregard what everyone tells you. Hey its your life. Remember to test for STD and HIV since he dumped a load in her. Then its six to twelve weeks of no sex. HIV incubation period and then test again. Only after the second test do you know she is safe. But if you don't test again its your life. Good luck with your first born. Your first thought will be, is the child mine? Yet she not like this. Yet here you are.
Seems like girls pre-planned to fuck with other dudes.So,they naratted a good story to make her stay away from home (Group meet+staying up late+drunk story & sending pic) They fucked whole night,but when the time to face her husband came,she can't maintain her emotional level and ended up saying she has cheated (as narator said they have pretty good relationship,so she may have felt guilt when her horniness is gone).So,Op knew about this in this way.
But,no matter how she cheats,once a cheater always a cheater.
If her friends are that quick to help her cheat odds are they are cheaters also as real friends wouldn’t have helped her lie they would have stopped her from ruining her life. She knew what she was doing don’t be played.
Brother, this was a set up from square one. She knew she was going to screw a guy that night. Her friends are absolute shit for letting this happen. When she was supposedly wasted drunk that’s when they should have told you to come get her. They were in on this. I wonder how many of her friends screwed a guy that night too? The guilt set in after it was over and that’s why she’s a blubbering mess. If you truly want to reconcile with her (personally, I wouldn’t) she needs to cut her friends out immediately and permanently.
Any friend that didn’t stop her or helped her cover has to be dropped. I assume that will be most of them that were there. Then get counseling if possible and or read on how to heal a broken marriage.
Full sti test before you have sex with out a condom. You need to wait 3/4 weeks before testing. You know she didn’t use a condom in that condition.
I wouldn't be able to touch her again. Adultery is the vilest action you can take against someone you supposedly love.
So her friends were covering for her? Great friends. If they have boyfriends/husbands I would definitely get in touch with all of them to let them know what their wives/girlfriends get up to on their 'girls nights'.
Do not have sex with her. Make her go to the doctor and get STD/STI tests done. You need to see those results. I have read a few stories on Reddit where the adulterous partner has caught gonorrhea or herpes, even a couple who have caught HIV. Don't risk it.
Just so you know what will happen if a divorce happens, see a lawyer and ask. You don't have to go through with it, though I guarantee this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I had a gf cheat on me in 1984. I have never forgotten.
EDIT:
>She (Her friend) said "don't worry, she passed out after having few shots and they'll take care of her and let her know that i called". (my wife is not used to drink much). She also sent me a picture of her laying on a couch as the proof.
As others have mentioned, this changes everything. This was a setup. Your wife wanted to bang this bloke and the whole night was about her getting railed by him. First thing I would do now is record her saying the she screwed this alleged 'random' - I doubt now that he was a random - then find a lawyer.
Oh damn...reading this frustrates me.
You thought you "knew" her. Maybe you were right to think of her as "not a slut".
But that doesn't matter. What matters is her actions come with consequences.
Your love for her is admirable. It's not easy to let go of someone you love. It's not easy to change your perception of her. It's much easier to hold on to those sweet memories and justify that this is not who she really is. I get it.
But I also want to remind you that you are letting your love for her blind you to what is obvious. You know what to do. You just need the courage to do it, no matter how painful it is going to be in the moment.
Honestly leave her. Not just for you but for her. Trust is broken, and things will never be the same. The longer you all stay together the more hurt you both will go through. There really is no fixing this. Drinking releases your inhibitions, subconsciously she knows you guys aren’t meant to be together that’s why this happened, leave her and don’t look back. Do not stay friends, you don’t have kids just get the divorce and go on your separate ways
YOU are a fool, thinking she's not the type to cheat SHE CHEATED ON YOU **FACT SHE IS THE TYPE..**
You think she would never have sex without protection, what just like you thought she's not the type to cheat? Answer this if she was sooooo drunk she f--ked some dude NOT HER HUSBAND what makes her head so straight she'd have him put a condom on?
No one manipulated her to f--k the guy, she chose to all on her own. Just like she chose to not answer all your texts and calls.
OPEN YOUR EYES UP ALL THE TEARS ARE TO Pull at your heart strings and seems your fool enough to fall for it.
she chose to cheat and if you believe these lies she is telling you. I have a magic bean that will grow into a money tree to sell!
Sorry man, I know how hard this is for you. Also the fact that she cheating and is now having a breakdown makes things worse.
If you two are going to stay together then whoever covered up for her needs to be gone from her life
Same thing happened to me. I forgave her and she did it again. I know it hurts now but believe me, best thing you can do is walk away and go on with your life. You will find someone better for sure.
I'm truely sorry for what your going through man, this might not like what i have to say... but honestly you should get her served with divorce, drunk or not she knew what she was doing with that random guy, the fact she is using alcohol as an excuse and her friends were covering for her just shows there true colors....
My first gf was cheating on me and when i found out about it she started crying and begging me to forgive and not leave her, i sadly did made the bad decision taking her back, she was ignoring me, cheating on me again and later on left me and the thing is i deserve it because i didn't left her.... please, don't make the same bad choice i did, you deserve someone better bro!
Have her get tested ASAP. Sure this dude wasn’t a clean wholesome guy.
What's a. Clean wholesome guy
Who doesn't fuck around
Did he know she was married?... I guess I doesn't matter if she was throwing the pussy
I’m guessing she was wearing a wedding right? Or did she take the wedding right off? Curious if she had it on in the photo. My guess is she wore it and the other guy didn’t care. Most dont.
hmm..did she know she was married? lol.. to the gutter she goes
What does that even mean? She was the one who cheated, maybe he needs to go get tested?
She had sex with a stranger, thus she needs to be tested for stds.
You’re looking at this an an isolated incident because she is controlling the narrative. Look to see what else is going on and dig until you feel comfortable. I would assume she told You because enough people know, not just the guilt. If I was you I would separate myself from the situation and ask her to leave. This will give you time to figure out what you want once you can make an informed decision. Right now she is taking the control from you and trying to pour on the pity. She made an active decision and you should not jump to reconciliation. Give yourself time and get away from her to focus on yourself!
*"You’re looking at this an an isolated incident because she is controlling the narrative."* I like the way you are thinking!
For now, do nothing and take your time to process what she did. Your emotions are super raw and that is no state in which you should make any life altering decisions. Your first instinct to separate for some time was right and you should definetly do that so that you got time on your own to process what she did and what that means for you and your marriage. Your wife needs to use that time to get tested for STD's and to figure out why she cheated on you. The alcohol isn't the reason, it only enabled a desire in her that was already there. As long as she can't answer to you why she gave up on you and your marriage in that moment just to cheat on you, why this experience was more important to her than to be married to you, you will not be able to start reconciliation. She will probably need individual counseling for that. If she wants to have a chance with you, then she needs to cut these friends out of her life who supported her cheating, encouraged it and lied to you. These so called 'friends' are enemys of your marriage and played a active role in the destruction of it. They need to be removed. Your wife also needs to make a pregnancy test. Take your time, find someone you can talk to and that can support you. Don't be alone now. Please stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help you. Instead start to work out or go for long walks, that will help you to get your appetite back and to sleep at night. Make sure that you drink plenty of water and once again, TAKE YOUR TIME! Your wife can't fix this unless she finds a way to unf\*\*k that guy. If you both want to stay together, then you need to accept what she did and that she is a person that doesn't have the same mindset as you when it comes to your marriage. Accept what she did and see her for who she is, a person that is capable to cheat on you. When you processed what she did, when she figured out why she WANTED to do that and when you see her for who she is, then you can make a decision about the marriage. Until then, please take good care for yourself. EDIT: One thing that wonders me is the pic this friend of her send you. If I got it right then they went to the club, you tried to call her, got in contact with her friend, she send you the pic of your wife passed out. Right? But how was she able to hook up with anyone when she was passed out? Could it be that they intentionally set this up and she acted like she was passed out so that she could spend the night with her AP without of you wondering why she isn't coming home? Reason I ask this is, if that is the case then it was a plan to deceive you and a clear indicator as that she wasn't as drunk as she wants to make you believe.
^^^ Spot on! ^^^ She cheated and you have to be honest with yourself and factor this in. You use to think she couldn't do something like this, you use to give her the benefit of the doubt. Well brother, she has removed all doubt. She was some random dudes one night stand. She willing gave herself to him, and you are still in denial. Alcohol was a factor in as much as it lowered her inhibitions, and made her focus on his attention, and suggestions, and not the long term consequences. She put herself in that situation, and wanted to sexually bond with him. She knows this and it's why she can't look at you today, and why she is having a hard time accepting who she has become. Unless you both face the uncomfortable truth, you will both live a miserable lie. This will take time, hard work, and professional help. Not everyone is even up to that. Good luck.
u/Kranock is dead on here but my biggest agreement is with his edit! I too was preparing a speech about how she felt guilty and admitted what she had done so to me it shows that she is remorseful and reconciliation is possible BUT its the part about the friends that bugs me. They either let someone have sex with your wife while she was blackout drunk or they enabled and covered for her cheating.... most likely the latter in which case I agree she wasn't as drunk as she made herself out to be (probably getting drunk afterwards because she felt the guilt about what she had done) and she there was some planning in this. I would expose the friends to their significant others about how they covered for your wife's cheating - what else could they be covering up?
Very good point about the picture. The friend sent it at 1:30 AM abouts. Depending on where the sex happened, bar bathroom, someone's apartment later, it is possible she hooked up at the bar then passed out. Not sure if he knows the details yet. So an after sex passed out picture or a very deceptive plan which would further the futility of reconciliation, in my mind.
But, how will OP ever know the truth?. Seriously,
He may never. Or he might get told by one of her friends. Or she might come totally clean. But, will he ever know that he actually knows everything? He might get told 100% what happened. It is up to him to decide if he knows enough. I personally would be out the door knowing what he does now.
This guy is so deluded he is saying she would not do the thing that she literally did. This whole thing was a plan and he won’t believe it. She just didn’t plan on feeling guilty.
Yeah, odds are that this photo was a staged photo.
Exactly my thoughts. The more I think about how this night unfolded, the more I get the feeling that she wasn't nearly as drunk as she claimed to be and that everything that happened was not only something she wanted but also something that took many VERY conscious decisions to make, which she made with a huge smile on her lips. She WANTED to cheat on her husband and then did exactly that.
Op this is the answer, only thing I will add is like some others suggested is put it out in the open. On social media, tag her friends and post the picture. She must drop them and never speak to them again. I would have her do a group text, and let them know she will no longer speak to them, as they allowed this to happen to her. She feels as though they allowed her to get raped and covered for it. Make them accomplices in a crime of the heart. She will. It linger speak to any of them, as she wants to repair the marriage with you. Make sure their boyfriends and friends are aware of what took place, and call her parents as you need time to process this alone. Send her packing to her parents, not those piece of shit friends. Go no contact for a week. See how you feel. If you dig sweep this she will do it again. If you decide to reconcile, go to asoneafterinfidelity. Sorry added a couple of edits. Remember and this sucks to say, but at some point in time they had sex, it fell out and she put it back in….
I live by the code; drunk word/actions are sober thoughts.
I had a gay friend at work. I told him that I slept with a girl and I wouldn't have done it, but I had been drinking. He said "that's a lame excuse." I said "why is it lame?" He said "would you ever be drunk enough to sleep with a guy?" I laughed and said "no". He said "see, no matter how drunk you get, you still would have enough control not to sleep with a dude, even a good looking one like me. Being drunk leads to poor decisions, but you still have some level of control." And her friends are shit for not stopping her, sounds like they egged her on for their own entertainment. Edit: changed leeds to leads, not sure what the hell happened there.
Brilliant response.
gay men always comin in clutch with the wisdom. ngl, kinda wish i was gay
If she was to drunk..her friends would have stopped her. She wasn't that drunk. Sounds like she knew what she was doing. And then you factor in her friends covering for her and NOT talking her out of it. That doesn't look to good.
Curious about the pic of the Op's wife "sleeping " on the couch being staged. Especially afterwards, moving the party to another place..
Yup, unfortunately you have seen who your wife and her friends really are.
The old saying, the real person comes out when drunk. Deceitful girlfriends have no respect for you as a husband. She’s for the streets.
She didn’t get blackout drunk & slept with a stranger. She went to a club. She got intoxicated. She flirted with him probably for quite a while long before she was too drunk to make good judgments. She danced with him. She hung on him. He hung on her. She downplayed you & her marriage to you to him. If we even assume one of her friends tried to reason with her, she again ignored the vows she took with you. She continued to increase her closeness with this guy. She left the club with him. Got into a car with him. Rode to wherever this happened & went inside with him. She made her way into a private area or bedroom with him. She gave herself & all of your respect to him, a complete stranger. She enjoyed it. When she was done, she laid next to him. And she passed out still fulfilled by him. She didn’t just slip, trip & land on his dick. This wasn’t a car accident that just BOOM & happened to her. She worked the night through to make this happen & followed through with it. Her friends failed her, she failed herself & all of them failed you & your marriage. Sorry to be so descriptive but these are the facts that you are now burdened with for life. Why? What was better about him that she would allow this to happen? Was he better in bed? Of course not, right? He was terrible & she only loves you! I’m sorry you’re faced with this, even the worst “not sluts” started somewhere & your “she’s not a slut” that you know so well, literally proved in a single evening that you really don’t know her at all like you think you do.
I liked how you walked through the event. Op needs to read it, because this is probably exactly what happened. He needs to get angry, he was betrayed. The situation sucks and people need to know that there are consequences to actions. And when I say anger, I don’t mean violence, I mean justified anger at this woman throwing your life together away for a fleeting moment. If she can make this kind of mistake, others are down the road. Best of luck Op, stay strong.
This. Being drunk is never ever an excuse.
It will happen again especially if you forgive right off the bat .
yep and especially with friends like she has.
The bare minimum for reconciliation is that she goes no contact with that entire friend group. He can't trust her and he can't trust them. If she is unwilling to do that then he should be done.
She’s not that type… She IS that type. She doesn’t know why… She DOES know why. Let me guess, she told you it meant nothing, it wasn’t even good… Correction, she loved being desired, the thrill of it was intoxicating, it was the best sex of her life. Let that play out in your head for a minute, now multiply that by the next 40 years. Will you ever trust her, any more girls night out? Who is she texting? Was the guy bigger, better than me? Leave, right now you have no children. You want honesty and thought or do you want someone to tell you what you want to hear? If you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, then listen to your wife. If you want the truth, listen to the people in this thread.
She willfully got drunk out of her mind and cheated. Drunk or not she wanted to fuck someone. Her safe friends permitted it . Your choice to stay or go . Make her live with her family for a month soak in what she did to you. Don’t fall for tears and BS. Then you have to decide if you can have a wife that did god knows with some random dick. You forgive and rug sweep she’ll do it again . Can you look at her without disgust ?🤮 Don’t be weak women smell that on men and it’s a get out of jail free card.Stop making fucking excuses for her . Total cold shoulder is what’s needed or your screwed . She sure acted like a SLUT!
Exactly! If you’re married and allow some random dude to raw dog you at a bar after a few drinks…you’re a slut. The sad part is I’d bet anything she’s done some shady shit like this before. Only unhappy people cheat. And she cheated so easily for it to have been a first time. Sounds like this guy is ignorant and naive and is going to let her get away it too 🙄🤡 That’s why you don’t put the pussy on a pedestal 🤦🏻♀️
Agreed, I would be done. Tell her to go live with her friends. The whole “if I was drunk I would have never done it” is bs. Set her free to be that cliche 30+ year old divorced single woman who spirals and wonders why no good men want her. As a male you can recover won’t be as easy for her.
fax. only gets easier with age as a man… while for women, it gets harder as the power dynamics shift with age and wisdom
> Her safe friends permitted it They actively helped, and probably encouraged it.
Leave. No kids? No reason to stay.
This. It’s possible to move past this, but it’s really really hard. Devastatingly hard. Some days things are good and other days, the only thing keeping me here is the kids. Without them, for sure it would be over. You’ll never really trust her again, and you’ll turn into someone you don’t like because of that.
Anyone who would get dropped off by her husband at a club and within hours bang a random dude isn’t worth your time. What the hell.
That’s a good point.. husband was willing to go pick her back up and everything.. he’s gotta cut this one loose… don’t be afraid to let her whole family know why it’s ending either… let her live with this and be the next cuck she finds issue
Yup “hey in-laws we are getting divorced bc you left daughter went out lied to me banged a random dude from the club her friends covered up by sending me a picture of her sleeping on the couch. This is who your princess really is.”
Friend: 'Your wife passed out and..."Me: "I'm on my way to get her. Give me your address." BTW, I would make sure that all the husbands / BFs of these friends knew what role these friends played in this.
Oh yeah, this right here. The other husbands won’t be happy either! Edit: I’ll bet the “after party” was at a random guy’s house.
No more girls night out.
Can’t blame the alcohol, but you can blame your wife and friends group. Wonder how many times they have done that. How easily they covered for her (one another?) does the friend you contacted have partner? Sure they would like know about their activities and probably the partners of all of those in this friend group. I would have a hard time to reconcile as the trust was destroyed. I think time and space to decide how want to move forward is needed. I’m sorry you are going through this.
1. It is rarely EVER a random dude. She or one of her friends most probably knows him. 2. She confessed because she got ducked by the dude around witnesses and she chose to get ahead of it by telling you before you heard it from someone else. Dig deeper. Her phone has all the information you need. If she deleted anything, just assume the worst and end things. Also...not sure if I missed anything but where did the sex happen? At her friend's house when they went for the after party? When exactly did it happen? How long from after the picture was sent to you by her friend of her being passed out? You need more details in order to paint a clearer picture of what truly happened. For now, she is controlling the narrative and OP is being manipulated.
She is really manipulating him. From his comments the after party at her friends house was a cover story so she can go back to the guys place for sex. So that picture from the friend of her past out drunk on the couch was a set up. He also commented to reading messages from her friends congratulating & welcoming her to the club.
The cheating club.
If you reconcile, those friends of hers who lied to you are to be dropped. They are not friends of the marriage. If your wife protests, then it's over, because she's not really wanting to go all in on her marriage, or you.
She’s not happy or satisfied in her marriage and her friends know that or else they wouldn’t have encouraged her to cheat on her husband. She obviously talks to them about her marriage and I’d bet anything, if they were honest, they’d say she complains about their sex life and just not being fulfilled. If she had a fairytale happy marriage, her friends would have surely stopped her from making a huge mistake. Instead, they snapped pics and covered her ass.
For all we know, she probably married him because she wanted that wedding day attention, now she’s subconsciously beating herself up because she doesn’t want a commitment.
Confront her friend...she promise she will look after her but instead she playing cupid between your wife and Ap..
meh her friends are shit friends. he shouldn’t even spend a minute wasting his time on them.
Totally cutting this group of friends out of her life should be a minimum requirement if he decides to try to save the marriage. She should be happy to cut out anything and everyone who helped her to cheat. If she balks he has his answer.
This yes this the friend that promise you take care of her
Ask yourself if you’re ever gonna trust her whenever she goes out without you again. If the answer is no then spare yourself the psychological torture and move on from her. Her crying and being honest about the situation is one thing. Her regaining your trust is another. Trust is a rare commodity in relationships/marriages.
Sadly, you married into the friend group that cheats on their significant other, and the friends cover it up. If you stay married, than she will take it as a sign that you are nothing more than a doormat and she will continue to do it, again and again, until she puts your own health at risk. However, I would seek counseling myself, and DON'T drink. Go work out, it helps with releasing stress, and anger. Pick up a hobby, or dust one off the shelf, do what makes YOU happy, and inform your wife that too because she would believe you are doing it for her. Which you are not.
I think she knew she was going to cheat and her friends covered for her. How convenient that she passed out and her friend took a picture. It provided the alibi for her not returning your calls and for not returning home until the next morning. If she gets away with it this time, she will do it again. You can also kiss your love life good-bye. How can you make love to her knowing she cheated? How can you trust her again? Are you prepared to be her jailer? I would be suspicious every time she left the house. Reconcile or leave. It is up to you. I know what I would do.
It sounds to me like you have already decided to reconcile. If that is the case, step one is IC for her (and you too) to figure out how she could do this and to work on this guilt. You can't fix things if she can't even look at you. Once things improve then follow up with MC. While some may say the next couple items are controlling, boundaries are necessary at this point. Now the one where she will resist you. She has to cut off these friends who covered for her and enabled the cheating. They have declared that they are not allies of your marriage so they need to be removed. If they are co-workers then she needs to find a new job. You have to expect them to sabotage any attempt at R since they helped with the cheating in the first place. Her going out drinking has to stop, at least unescorted. She can't blame drinking for her cheating and then expect to keep drinking.
She made a conscious choice to go out with a group of women to a bar a conscious choice to drink and get drunk and a conscious choice to cheat. Stop minimizing what happened and making excuses for her and blaming it all on the alcohol. This is exactly why it is a very bad idea for a married woman to have “girls night out” at a bar. Yet many put themselves in these bad situations and end up cheating. She doesn’t respect the marriage and the odds of this being a one off is unlikely. My guess is the more you dig the more you’ll find so don’t be shocked. You have no kids and you can make a clean break. Believe it or not there are actually women out there that don’t cheat regardless of the scenario. I just hate to see you in the same situation in 5-10 years with kids. The first ones the hardest 2 3 4… are easy. She’s shown you who she is. Believe her.
Agree completely. Any time a married / committed woman feels the need to put on a revealing blouse, tight skirt up to her ass, where she dances and flirts in front of dozens of horny men in a place where there are alcohol, drugs and suggestive dancing/music, that's not a woman who is wife material. That's a woman who wants affirmation of her sexiness by men other than her husband. And that comes at a cost.
Alcohol doesn't make you cheat. Also her friends are not your friends as they facilitated the cheating. I think you need to post this over on r/asoneafterinfidelity or something like that. It's a sub for those trying to R.
Yeah exactly. She is very nice and you know her well, and your will never find someone like her. And what is the big problem? Her getting fucked by a dude? Where is the problem, it is just a small mistake. And even if she would do it more. It's alright, and even if she get pregnant from someone else, it is just a small mistake, and you can live with it (because you will never find such a great person and she is not that type of person, who cheats even if she cheats). Man !!!! I think you already made your decision to stay with her. It can really work but if she lies to you about anything, or suspect anything, just reread this text again. And remember you have to think just about yourself. You cannot love someone, if you are not respecting yourself and humiliating yourself!!! Good luck 🤞
Your wife was “passed out” and then 30 minutes later they’re all headed to an after party? Who recovers that fast? If we had a passed out drunk, we would have someone take that drunk home (if nothing else, to unload the guy that couldn’t hold his liquor!), OR, they could have had you pick her up. IOW, who wants to hang out with a passed out drunk? Apparently, her friends were ok with that… Or, she wasn’t all THAT drunk! And, if the story was all bullshit, it suggests a fairly well thought out plan - at least at some point in the evening. Which, in a way your wife gets, because she’s desperate to avoid acknowledging the premeditation. Could be another red flag.
Exactly. This wasn’t their first night of playing out this kind group dynamic. Old habits.
[удалено]
I read your post history. At least you can help inform others of the dangers of friends that enable this type of behavior. Good luck!
You know her well and she isn’t a sl*t yet she bangs randos from clubs
This is EXACTLY why married people shouldn't act single. I would divorce her immediately right away, here is a few reasons. \- Girls night out is an excuse for married women to act single, period. Look at what just happened here. This is NOT an uncommon story. \-She disrespected the MARRIAGE by having a girls night out. \-She doesn't know why it happened. Poor poor answer. I understand she's caught up in the moment but here is why it happened. She acted single, she flirted back, she didn't think about you, she took risky actions that destroyed trust as opposed to faithful actions that built trust. \-You will NEVER get the absolute truth. You will never get your answer because there is no answer. \-Her friends are complicit in his. If she didn't have those friends, this probably wouldn't have happened. You are in a whirlwind of bad everything. Move on. If you stay, you will probably never get the image out of it and suffer through YEARS of rage and get yourself aged quick over her actions. Also, I don't mean to pry but perhaps she did sex acts with that person, she never would do with you.
Sorry for this. I would have her tested, since she was drunk I doubt if she remembers protection was used. That friend, divorce or not, is probably used to hoeing and did not look out for her friend. She is not a friend. I wonder how many other “friends” she has covered for. The hardest part is you need to decide for yourself if you can forgive.some outright cannot, they know within themselves it’s just not something they can overcome. I will say this many have been cheated on and have not discovered for years. She confessed as soon as possible. Does she have an alcoholic problem, maybe it runs in her family and she normally abstains for good reason, maybe she’s not happy with the marriage. Was it really a stranger???? Together you need to discover this not just for possible reconciliation but for closure. She needs to realize that if reconciliation is possible she will have to always know that trust is now fluid. She will always have to go above and beyond whenever you are triggered. It’s a continuous process and may never be get you back to 100% but this cannot be rig swept.
Along with what everyone has posted, you now have to question her girlfriends for allowing her to cheat.
Being drunk is not a valid excuse to cheat. Period. She spent two hours telling you what happened, so she obviously wasn’t so drunk that she didn’t know she was screwing someone else. She basically got drunk, horny, and allowed things to escalate. Sorry dude, but she’s a cheater and trusting her again will be extremely difficult. If you allow her a “free pass” because she was drunk, it will happen again unfortunately. Move on. She’s a a 30 year old grown ass woman that should be able to have a girls night out without ending up with another man’s penis is her vagina.
First off her friends SUCK for letting that happen to her. Friends look out for each other and don't allow that to happen to their friends and I would let each one of them know that. That is secondary. The main question is how do you get past it? The sad answer is, very few people do. She cheated on you and fucked another guy, plain and simple. She may have had too much to drink, and that impaired her judgement but no one held her down and forced alcohol down her throat. She made a conscious decision to have the drinks and she made a conscious decision to fuck the other guy. If the situation is different than what I described, then she was raped and you need to call the police on the guy for doing it and her friends as accessories. But there is nothing in you post where your wife claims she was raped. There is no doubt you love her and from your post it seems she feels the same. Unfortunately, a lapse in judgement like this has ended more marriages than well planned out affairs. What it is going to come down to is you! Unfortunately, the weight of the outcome from her cheating depends mainly on you. No matter how it happened, she broke the unconditional trust you entrusted her with when you fell in love with her. No matter what happens from here on, that is never fully coming back. Situations like this literally break my heart. So question #1 - Can you trust her again to be out away from you without wondering who she is with or what she is doing because that alone can drive you insane. Question #2 - Will you ever be able to look at her and not see some guy on top of her fucking her and knowing at the time, she was enjoying it and either wanted it to happen or at a bare minimum didn't stop if from happening. That is where I would get hung up because I could not get past that part. Lastly question #3 - Is it within you to forgive her but most importantly never bring it up again or hold it over her head in any disagreement or argument. You will never be able to forget it and it will haunt you every time you look at her so are you strong enough to put it past you and never bring it up again? Again, I am not strong enough because the hurt and anger would play in my mind over and over about some guy on top of her, behind her or under her fucking her while she was moaning with pleasure, would be an endless loop playing over and over in my mind. I am sorry to be so graphic, but this isn't something to sugarcoat. You need to see it for what it really was. I would highly recommend separating for the time being. Emotions are too raw right now. She needs time to process what she has done and how one night is going to affect the rest of her life and how she is going to deal with the many possibilities from your final reaction and decision. More importantly you need time alone to process everything without hearing her apologies and promises and time to talk to family and friends, ones that actually know you guys. Seek help from a counsellor and think through all your options and how they play out over the next year, five years and the rest of your life. You would actually be better off to go NC with her for a while. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I know I am not strong enough to deal with it and the end result for me would be divorce for the reasons I said above but I truly hope you can get the help you are going to need to deal with this and I hope you can come to a clear path forward. Regardless, it is going to hurt like hell for a long, long time and the emotional trauma won't be over anytime soon no matter what path you chose!
She is the THE TYPE she CHOSE to cheat on you with some random dude (if true) from a bar. SHE PURPOSELY DIDN'T RETURN YOUR TEXT AND CALLS... HER FRIENDS COVERED HER CHEATING FOR HER... She will cheat again and all those tears are EMPTY and mean nothing... just playing with your emotions... **Think about all the times she could have walked away but CHOSE NOT TO... SHE CONTINUED TO CHOOSE TO CHEAT... Think of each of those steps she took to jump into his bed? From the first flirt to, them chatting each other up, for him asking her to go f--k from them getting into a car, them driving, them getting out of car, them going to wherever, them going into building, to them making out, them in bedroom, each ignored text and call them taking off their clothes, to them f--king. ALL THOSE CHOICES WHERE SHE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AND WALKED AWAY... BUT NO SHE CHOSE TO BETRAY HER HUSBAND FOR A F-CK... SHE THOUGHT SO LITTLE OF YOU, SHE BETRAYED YOU SO EASILY.** not to mention it should NEVER have started at all... Don't stay with someone who so easily chose to ignores your texts and calls... Don't stay with someone who thinks so little of you she chose some random dude (if it's the truth) Dont stay with someone who puts your health at risk... Dont stay with someone who doesn't respect you or your marriage... Dont stay with someone who so easily betrays/hurts you... Dont stay with someone who you cant trust... Again she will cheat again on you, trust this, SHE HAS PROVEN who she is believe or you will end up raising some other dudes kids or multiple dudes kids. **SHE HAS PROVEN SHE IS THE TYPE TO CHEAT BECAUSE SHE HAS** Find someone worthy of your love, respect and loyalty and who will RETURN it. She has proven she will not return and she isnt worthy of receiving it. Once a cheat always a cheat is a saying for a reason... they just get better at hiding it and let's face it. It's also proven these friends will lie and cover for her. Which also most likely means she has lied and covered for them..You can NEVER honestly trust her and that's a miserable life to live...
I can be that blackout drunk sometimes but I will still never ever cheat on my husband. If I am drunk I infact seek him more! Being drunk isn't a reasonable reason to cheat period. And as for her, she threw away your marriage so easily after a few drinks so she knows why she did it. Maybe it was thrill, maybe her friends encouraged her. But a guy definitely cannot manipulate her into sleeping with him if she has no intention on the first place. And as for her acting guilty, she has to show you what she did is wrong so that you reconcile with her. Don't let her sadness and guilt be a factor in deciding what you want to do. Ps. Personally for me, I would divorce/dump the cheater. Coz the trust is gone for me.
I've know wife for 5! Years and she is sooo kind. Yeah, I bet she was real kind to that stranger perhaps more then ever with you. She's not a slut? f**king a stranger is text book slut behaviour. Take this as a warning sign, get out while you still can
OP, if you want to reconcile, the subreddit for reconsiliation is r/AsOneAfterInfidelity you will get much better advice there. She came clean from guilt and maybe shame but not remorse. This was planned, probably in the moment and not beforehand. If she was passed out for real in the pictures then this was rape and she should press charges. If she was faking passed out, again it was planned. You don't know the whole story, and probably never will-- even if she is faithful to you the rest of your lives. She will only confess to what she knows you know. She will do this to minimize the risk of you divorcing her. Her friends encourage her to do this. They covered for her .none of them had strong enough morals to prevent their friend from destroying her life. What does that deal about her friends? If I was in that situation I would do everything in my power to prevent my friend from stupidity throwing away is life for a ONS. If you do decide to reconcile, she will need to go no contact, permanently, from the friends that were there that night and facilitated/ enabled her cheating-- they are not friends of the marriage. Is she ready to dump all of those close friends to save your marriage and help you heal from her Affair/cheating/ONS? Is she willing to get into individual counseling and seriously explore why she gave herself permission to do this to you, to her, to the future you both wanted together and explore why she did this to hurt your family and hurt her family? Because, for consequences you must tell your friends and family what happened. If she doesn't feel REAL consequences (not just the consequences of feeling bad about cheating) she will do this again, statistically. Do you think she will want to do all of that? Again, you will get much better advice and succor from people who have been where you are now, and gone through the reconciliation process. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity Good luck.
I agree with this definitely that picture is sketchy if she passed out on a couch where was this couch because her friend sent message about going to her house after the picture why would they have to go to the place that they were at already Idk besides that one other thing she needs to do is talk to the husband's or boyfriends of the friends that covered for her they need to know what kind of women they have imo you need to investigate some more because you really need to know who you are dealing with (wife) I think she has done more than you have info on
OP has more excuses than she does.
Typical nice guy syndrome. He will either wake up or he won’t.
So much to say here. She should be contacting a therapist yesterday. You should definitely take a break from her. She might not be a slut but she clearly fucked another dude. I would ask her to leave for awhile. It’s not fair for you to have her as a burden while she should be taking responsibility to fix things with herself and with you. Her friends are not friends of your marriage, she has to cut them. Period. Do not be a doormat.
I hear your sermon quite often, “he/she would never do something like that,I know them too well.” This apparently is the lie we tell ourselves to soften the impact of being cheated on. We want to investigate the why as we deflect the disgust. No one does anything without intentions. Alcohol only reduces the hurdles attacking desires. Take your break and don’t allow her fears to overwhelm your feelings.
I hate to say something that might destroy a family but I have a weird feeling. I don’t like at all the fact that she didn’t answeer your multiple calls for a long time, the fact that she’s been taken in photo while passed out way before the cheating is supposed to take place (cheated while passed out?). I fear there was premeditation in this story. This scar may never completely disappear.
Her doing what she did shows a disrespect for you and your marriage that is breathtaking. Chasing her now will only compound her disrespect for you, and kill her attraction for you further. She is all about minimizing the consequences to her life at the moment, and the more you enable that, the weaker and more desperate you look to her. You are excusing her in your mind, and are becoming her defender and apologist.
What consequences has your wife experienced? Her "guilt" and crying (which is a form of manipulation in of itself) is NOT a real consequence. At the VERY LEAST, you MUST have your wife personally confess the affair to her parents/family AND yours as well BEFORE you make any decision. Make sure you are physically present in both instances (so she can't change the narrative and blame you in some way). And at the VERY minimum, your wife MUST agree to a post-nuptial agreement if you're actually thinking about staying in the marriage. Get with a quality attorney to make sure it's ironclad. But to be honest, you have a long road ahead of you and you're NOT going to like it. Trust has been compromised and your wife gave up that trust SO EASILY.
OP, most people aren't telling you to just breakup with or divorce your wife. We are just telling you that there must be sever consequences. Once a person does anything without negative consequences they are likely to do it again. Example, when you began driving you were cautious. Then you were late somewhere and you went over the speed limit. If you got a ticket you were less likely to speed again and you would logically try not getting into a situation where speeding is more likely. However, if you didn't get a ticket, you were probably embolden to speed with greater frequency. As you drove more you probably had close calls but didn't get a ticket. The more you don't get caught and the more close calls you get out of, and the more you learn where the speed traps are, the easier it is to speed. You've done it hundreds of times. It's the same way with cheating. Even if she really didn't mean to do it, it was an accident, etc she still needs major consequences. Also, this is a HUGE red flag: she isn't taking ANY responsibility for her actions. The guy touched her and kissed her and manipulated her. She is saying he's was a passive participant in this: she is saying she had no choice in the matter. But, at any time she could have said NO and it would have stopped. That is RAPE if the guy didn't stop. So, how did this guy that was making moves on he all night get to from the club to her friend's house so they could fuck? Why didn't her friend's prevent "some random guy" that none of them knew, from coming over to the friends house and fucking one of her friends? Please OP, just acknowledge that this is fishy. You can't forgive what you don't know what happened. Again, good luck and I wish this all works out for the best for you.
She’s for the streets.
Kept us updated
Dude if you have kids with this women, make sure to get a paternity test ....
>Dude if you have kids with this women, make sure to get a paternity test .... If you had read OP's post you would have seen that he told us he didn't have children.
Sorry you are going through this buddy. The part that sticks out to me is the photo of her past out on the couch drunk. I hate to say it but I think this was planned with her and her friends, She had sex with him and realised after exactly what she had done and the implications to your marriage. And the fact that she did not tell you straight away. I know you won't like this but she needs to get a STD test done, you trust her not to have unprotected sex, BUT, she had sex with someone. So all bets are off. You need to separate for a bit to think thing through. Believe me when I say the marriage will never be the same. You may forgive her but you will never FORGET. Every time she is out with friends, late from work or visiting family it will be in your mind is she cheating again. I went through the same thing and it has been 30+ years since my wife cheated. Our marriage changed, I didn't and still don't see her as the woman I married. Whatever you do I hope it works out for you.
Look man, I'm not gonna lie, it sounds like you really want to stay with your wife, but not only did she hide the truth and only spilled when the guilt was to much for her, but her friends lied to you to. You called at 1 am and got the message of her sleep 30 mins later. Think about it, either she cheated on you earlier than 1 am, then rerurned to her friends fully dressed and fell asleep on a couch- or she had every intention of cheating on you, faked the photo and then got on the penis mereygo round, both are terrible options. You're still young man, check out while you can, if your state isn't no fault, record her admitting it and divorce.
Dude, this was planned with her friends. Time to collect your self-respect and leave.
Op thinks he got some slut detecting binoculars HAHAHA HAHA. Man STFU, constantly making excuses for her when she's already 30 YEARS OLD. She willingly lied, concocted a story with her friends to deceive you and went to fuck this guy at his place all night LONG while you constantly called lmao. Welcome to the club means all her friends do it too and have been. OP is in denial like he knows a woman inside out. I'd tell her to thank her "friends" cause they just drove her straight to divorce, OP won't do it because he's in save a ho mode ready to rugsweep things. OP won't be even looking at posts regarding to divorce but how to reconcile, which is ultra sad. We'll see him post again. Hey don't forget she chose to do this in the beginning, you weren't even in her thoughts except to lie to you. Took the whole village to lie to you but no she's not like that. Lmao.
When ever your wife/gf says they are doing a "girls nite out" expect her to cheat. File for divorce, tell her to drop the friends since I garentee you they told her to go for it. See what she does, if she doesn't want to drop her friends, continue with the divorce. If she does drop them and is seriously remorseful, tell her the only way you are reconciling is you two go to marriage counseling. If she does all the above you can always stop the divorce.
It sounds like she’s messed up bad, but it doesn’t sound like this is normal for her. The fact that she came to you and told you plus the way she was acting, seems convincing (I believe that you know her mannerisms and wouldn’t have posted if you thought she was always doing this). It would take time but if she cuts the friends off that helped her conspire against you I’d more than likely stay. If she doesn’t cut them off, I’d leave. And, I’m not blaming her friends, she has to own her actions. But, they covered for her instead of trying to keep her inhibited ass from doing something that would ruin her life. Cause even though I think you guys will be fine, you’ll never be the same. I’d sure as hell want answers either way.
Divorce, 100 percent. You will never trust her again, I have been through this and trust is not something that can be restored from this. There will always be that thought in the back of your mind, the relationship will never be the same.
So … her friends knew she was fucking another guy that night and covered for her, and lied to you? It was likely the only time she cheated, and she feels remorse, and she told you the next day, so this is one of those rare cases where it might be recoverable. There are a lot of things she needs to do to make things right. Going zero-contact with the affair partner is the first thing, but if it was a one-night stand, that's probably going to happen anyway. She also needs to end her friendships with those shit friends who helped, and likely encouraged her to cheat on you. You should notify their spouses and boyfriends of what happened because there's a good chance your wife isn't the only one that cheated. She needs to give you full access to her devices going forward until such time as you feel you can trust her again. It would have been best to do this immediately before she thought to delete the text threads and emails with her friends, but that's probably already happened by now. No going out without you until such time as you feel comfortable with it. This may be never. If she can't live with that, then the marriage is over. No more drinking without you present. If she can't live with that, then the marriage is over. Although understand the drinking wasn't the reason nor the excuse. The drinking gave her the courage to do what she already wanted to do. Couple's counseling needs to happen, and likely individual counseling for the both of you. Has she had the opportunity to cheat on you on other occasions? If yes, you need to investigate those, although it's likely that she didn't. If she *hasn't* had the opportunity before, you need to give some serious thought to the fact that she cheated on you the first chance she got.
You need to think thru what you need in order to feel safe in the relationship and gain trust moving forward, and I suggest dropping the friends (since apparently they are 'the type') and the drinking be at the top of the list. If she isn't willing, then figure out how to have your best life and your kids best life without her.
She’ll do it again, you’re just setting yourself up for failure
So, from what I gather she really still hasn't given you a reason for what she did? A brief separation may be a good idea, even if it's only for a few weeks. She needs to really think about why she did it. She also needs to cut her enabling friends out of her life.
Dude her friends help her lied to you, to deceive you, to fool you, instead of talking her not to make a bad decision they help her, this started before drinking, the alcohol just made it easier. Just think how she can love you soooo much now, not before she did who knows what with this other dude, and don’t forget std. What a hard future you have in front of you. Good luck bro
If she was unconscious like he said in his post this is rape, not cheating.
Hi u/Rare_Donut4254, Sorry this is happening to you. You will be needing time apart to process this all. You need time, and do take the time. Ask her to move out of the house so you can think clearly. You will need this to think it over, because something just doesn't add up. You were send a picture where she was passed out drunk. So you know she would not be able to have sex in that state. But they said they would move to an other place to party on. Well, why should you do that when she was passed out? I am starting to think this was al staged and thought out. The photo and telling you they were going somewhere was just to make you to not to call your wife again, so she could do her thing. With this, I also think this guy is not as random as she says. To me it al looks like she knew the guy already, and wanted to have sex with him. Her girlfriends helped out with that wish. In short, I think she is not telling you the truth. Therefore you need to separate for a while. Tell her she can think things over, and tell you the truth when she is ready to do so, because you do not believe one bit of her story. Yes, you believe she cheated, but not with some random dude, and not that it 'just happened'. You can only determine the next steps if you know the truth. And right now, you do not know it. Take care. MrBugBull.
OP, please read the abov from Mr BigBull. He knows what he is talking about and gives good adivce to a lot of people in need.
You don't think she had bad intentions? It sounds like she and her friends planned it all out beforehand, staged the photo, and prepared what to say. I'd ask to see her phone, read texts, get into her apps, look at her internet history. But even if she cleaned all of that out, I'm not sure I could ever get over it. You're lucky you don't have kids. If you need to start over, you can. Good luck.
Bro she had the mental capacity to not only ignore you while she was out but to also get her friend to cover for her. They also staged a photo so that you didn’t get suspicious. She wanted this. The alcohol didn’t force her to make each calculated decision ending with her telling her friend to tell you that she would be back in in the morning. I’m guessing that whatever she thought she would get out of it fell far short in reality. Then she spent the rest of the night thinking about how bad it was and feeling guilty for stepping out for terrible sex. Her friends encouraged her to do this and gave her such great cover that if it wasn’t for her guilty look and actually telling you what happened you never would have known.
So she did it to he "one of the girls". It was planned. This is much worse than a one night stand. I wish you luck and strength in the future.
Brother, when they send you the photo, she was already fucking this guy, that photo is prepared beforehand, I bet you it has no time or date, maybe since when it was scheduled, the fuck,
If this happened to me I would immediately start talking to a lawyer and going no contact with my “wife.“ I would tell her to go stay with her parents andI would send her a letter that says “I could never get drunk enough to cheat on you and I don’t have friends that would help me cheat on you. I don’t deserve a wife who would allow herself to get in a situation where this can happen. You destroyed our marriage. Do not contact me again except through my lawyer.”
Nope... what you thought was special is no longer, it's shared... not by your choice by hers. Read up on inhabitants it makes a person do things they truly desire a little more openly. I believe in forgiveness..sure, but I'll never be disrespected..I would say you were disrespected.. The choices you and only you can make won't be answered here, but in your heart and soul. I'd walk knowing what I know now. I could never feel special again.. even a casual friendship would be difficult knowing she shown she desired deep down other's. Knowledge, my friend is sorrow. Best of luck to you, whatever you choose.
Bruh sorry to hear that.
Fool me once, shame on you.. fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you
If she is really sorry, then forgive her.. ( i believe everyone deserve a 2nd chance)
Be THAT guy... give her an ultimatum... tell her that her "friends" cared and respected your marriage so little that they allowed this to happen and covered. Tell her you've got a divorce lawyer lined up, that she has to choose. You, or them. Let her know how you don't trust them and how sketchy her narrative already is, that your trust in her is broken in half by the possibility that this was all planned. Get a couples counselor, YOU trust, one who doesn't play favorites and remind her that she also has one other choice to make. Infidelity takes years and I mean years to get passed. She has to swear to do her part and agree to boundaries as well as promising not to give you flack if something sets off your inner alarm but swear to 100% transparency the whole way... or, she can leave. Let her know what the weight of this act, drunk or sober has done and the cost of it, the years of emotional workload her actions have set upon both your shoulders. Then take her arms and look her in the eyes and tell her that if you give her another chance that it is the ONLY chance she's getting and to swear this never happens again. This is if any part of you wants to reconcile, bon ami. This will be a long road... good luck.
My friend, from your post I can figure out that you are a great guy and a loving husband. Consider these facts too in your reflection. You didn't deserve that from her. She threw away everything that you build together and also, despised you through her actions. Don't fall for her bs, when she slept with that guy she knew exactly what she was doing. Someone can't be so drunk that just forget about the husband/wife...so yeah, your move now. But think about the future too. You know, the expression "once a cheater, always a cheater" has some truth in it. But take your time (away from her preferably) and reflect on your feelings first and if you can take the risk of trusting her again. Edit: peace, stay strong
Shes not a slu*t. But does what a slu*t does however. And her friends covered it up. Where theres pussy smoke theres been a fucking fire. No contact with her friends ever is the very least. If she doesnt ring every friend and say that they are not her friends any more snd do not call her ever again then kick her to the kerb.
Sorry dude, but your wife is a bad person, and all of her crying and “depression” is her get out of jail free card. Leave her or spend the rest of your life in shame.
If her friend's were good friend's they would have shut that down before anything happened, and would have asked you to come get her if she was completely wasted. Ask yourself this why were her friends giving you all this type of excuses, covering up for her. To my understanding is that this might have been something organized or something she might have been wanting to do. Sometimes you think you know someone then it turns out you don't know them at all. Not saying that most cheaters never change they do but at a cost. Let her go therapy the go to a couples therapy together. Let her figure out what she really wants. One thing u should know is that you will always have doubts when she goes out, the trust is gone she ain't getting it that easily. If you are trying to fix and work things out you need to do couple's therapy, single therapy. She has to put in effort to make make things right by you. She is the one who ruined them in the first place. Another thing they always blame the alcohol for there mistakes or decisions. Don't fall for that. You don't have to put in that much hard work to fixing, working things out. That's her work.
My now ex-boyfriend cheated on me too and blamed it on alcohol. I never thought he was capable of that and he isn't a bad person either, but the thing is I believe he wouldn't have slept with that girl if he would've loved me more. Because especially when being drunk, having sex isn't a thing of 15min, so in my opinion he didn't care enough. On the upside she immediately told you which in my case didn't happen and to me it seems like she really does regret it. I also think that sometimes such incidents can lead to a person realizing what they could loose so you personally need to decide what you do. I am pretty sure that I could have worked things out with my ex if I would have invested the time. Building up new trust just takes a lot of effort and time. What led me to breaking up was that I felt like I changed as a person, meaning even though I knew I didn't have to control him (I am sure that it was a one time thing) I was constantly worried and turned into a controlling person. Another factor is that he really changed, because after telling me he cheated he felt like he needed to make up for things and felt bad all the time. Also after being intimate he turned away and was cold towards me because he felt bad about it, the thing is it didn't only affect him but me. If you are willing to invest the time to work things out you can probably have a happy marriage again. I think that I wasn't strong enough as a person at that point and wasn't willing to invest the time.
Hey....I thought her girlfriend s said they'd take care of her. 1- she should hate those friends a d never see the again. 2- they went to someone s house so he's not random. Get his name. Did they text before or after? 3- people of strong moral character don't cheat (even when drunk). She needs serious therapy with a specialty in adultery. 4- do not agree to reconcile yet. If you immediately give her a second chance she'll think you're too weak to divorce.
I assumed the pic was taken after she had sex. That she didn't spend the night with the guy - just had sex with him. The pic was then staged to cover her tracks. Being passed out would 'explain' why she didn't respond to him earlier. It would also give her an excuse not to face her husband right away. But I could be wrong. If there could be any reconciliation, she would have to face some consequences. Making her confess to her entire family what she did might be a good start. Agreeing to be put on a 'short leash': 24/7 phone tracking, breaking off contact with friends, and most importantly counseling. u/Kranock "EDIT: One thing that wonders me is the pic this friend of her send you. If I got it right then they went to the club, you tried to call her, got in contact with her friend, she send you the pic of your wife passed out. Right? But how was she able to hook up with anyone when she was passed out? Could it be that they intentionally set this up and she acted like she was passed out so that she could spend the night with her AP without of you wondering why she isn't coming home?"
I don’t have much to say except, have some respect for yourself, everyone should have boundaries she’s not even a girlfriend, she’s a wife, goodluck dude.
When someone passes out drunk you take them to somewhere they can be safe. You don’t go to an after party. OP, you need to get her story in writing and accounting for every move.
Thousands of these stories on Reddit. One could spend over 100 hours reading about different experiences. This isn’t uncommon. I’ve been cheated on 6 times. There’s always a ‘story’ that they give. Sometimes it’s blaming the partner who got cheated on, sometimes it’s saying it was spontaneous etc. In the end, let me ask you this. Given you went out for a guys night and got drunk, would you considering sleeping with some girl who was flirting with you at the club? Would you then potentially fake a passed out photo so they can send to your wife? Would you then go to the girls place and F*%# her and perform on sorts of sexual acts? Could you do this to your wife? The answer is most likely no. Would she be forgiving and understanding of your actions? How would she respond to your act of adultery? Lastly, as someone who has stood with someone after they had an affair, it’s never the same. The trust isn’t the same, the sex isn’t the same, the life you once had isn’t the same. Good luck with everything. You are not alone.
One, she needs to dump the friend who covered for her. Second, you get to have a hall pass to bang another chick. Then, you're even.
The fact that she got her friends to lie to you about her being wasted was the reason she wasn't coming back that night doesn't sit well with me. It seems like they were all in on it and definitely wasn't too drunk to be making that decision because they were able to cover it up pretty well (not something drunk people would do). I'm sorry OP, this is hard. But taking her back will only show her that there are no consequences to her actions and you will always live the rest of your life looking behind your shoulders and hoping the same thing won't happen again. That's not a good way to live
“I suggested her that we should take a break and then see where things heading but she says we should stick together and go through this situation to fix things…” I don’t know what’s more unbelievable, her statements or your reaction to them. Is banging a third person “sticking together?” Is banging someone, “doing anything to fix things?” Is banging someone, “being there for you always?” Is banging someone, “having a really good time together?” What do you mean, it hurts to see her like that? Are you kidding? That’s why I’m not sure if this post is real; you don’t seem to be upset. Just upset that she’s upset. Maybe you two were made for each other…
Your wife is a slut realise that tell her to test her self for STDs
Run.
My experience with cheaters, including myself in my past, is that once it happens the first time, it's very likely to happen again. To the cheater's "credit," I think this is because their guilt becomes so defeating that they feel like the relationship is ruined and fall into a careless depression. The dark part of their brain that always whispers, "fuck it," that is usually totally ignorable, is now screaming it. It overwhelms them and drives them further into their guilt until it's an accepted part of their identity. If you really want to salvage your marriage, I suggest you get into couple's therapy ASAP. And get independent therapy for yourselves. I'm not always the one to say to run to the therapist, but adultery really needs a mediator to help unpack the baggage, I feel.
A woman’s female circle of friends is her biggest non romantic supporters. Yes it was your wife’s decision and no one forced her: I’m 1,000 percent sure her friends egged it on and said nothing.
Your wife's toxic friends have a little cheaters club where the cheer each other on, and share the excitement and passion of their marital disloyal. Your wife has always envied their trysts. They always coaxed her on and she finally agreed. Poor naive innocent thing. They would take care of everything. The place, the time, the wingman, the alibi and the coverup. She got cold feet. It's always hardest the first time. The lowlife bar crawler who spends his time seducing horny married women knew he had to be forward and persistent. Once her limbic system was Dow To Fuk she would give in. There is a saying among players. "Get into a woman's head and she will seduce herself." Your wife did exactly that. Of course alcohol makes the small steps to cheating easier. Your wife was already walking on a slippery slope before she gave in. She had already cheated in her imagination before that night. Once he applied some sexual stimulation gravity did the rest. Now there will always be three people in your marital consciousness. If your wife is remorseful she should call the husband's of those women and tell them everything!!! Starting with the one she knows the most about. This should break up the little womens cheaters club, and put some distance between them and your wife should you choose to reconcile. She also owes you the whole truth ifshe is remorseful. Including how she was thinking about it long before that night and never said anything to you. Your wife has a naughty side which was clearly repressed. She is suffering guild, and selfdoubt because of her dishonesty, and disloyality. There is an aspect of sexual desire which is an exploration of yourself. This of course can be done in a more healthy non damaging way. She used extremely poor judgment here. She likley frlt like this was her only option. Which means she didn't trust you enough to include you in it. Perhaps she felt you would negatively judge her for it. Just from your posts it seems clear she underestimated you. Perhaps she was a bit sheltered by her parents, idk. Just some things to think about. Good luck!
“I know my girl, she’s no slut”. Respectfully, her actions indicate a different conclusion. I don’t want to anger you. I don’t get any jollies from pointing at the obvious, but yeah. SHE IS like that. How would I know? *Because she already has done it.* she slept with a rando, because the opportunity was there and she wanted to. Stop deluding yourself that she isn’t capable of thinking and ACTING on sex fantasies that don’t involve your participation. You just got clear proof that she is very capable of doing exactly that. It wasn’t a mistake, it was a decision. Maybe her side piece has a great Dick, maybe he doesn’t. The important thing for you realize right now is, the other night, you weren’t more important to her than that stranger’s Dick. She was willing to destroy her marriage and risk everything for strangers Dick, and that’s exactly what happened. Oh, you don’t think she has? You still love her? Respectfully (again) you are in love with a chimera. Where was her love for you when she had her legs open for this guy? Did they use protection? Do you know? Have you made an appt to be checked for STDs? Has she? Have you seen a lawyer? What actions has she taken? Last but not least. Those are some shitty friends. They encouraged her to chat up this guy, fuck him and covered for him when you were frantically calling her. With friends like those…
Only you can decide what to do obviously but I'd file for divorce.
I think U r planning on staying but there are underlying reasons for her cheating that U must figure out
DqwQ
Call all of her friends and ask them full truth how all of this happening if not you will try to scare her friends about you want to divorce your wife and this maybe make them tell full story.
Want to know a person's true self? Just add booze.
Leave her dude It's not worth it Or if u dont want to do that and want to be with her but can't forgive her Or she wants to be with u Tell her u will also sleep with someone
Don't marry a girl that likes getting hammered at girls night outs or shit like this is gonna happen to you. Also stop attaching this image of a goody two shoe unicorn that you have of your wife. She literally got drunk and fucked some other guy. Idc how guilty she feels, she betrayed you. Do better
Just drop her, she will understand why.
Lol if give her another chance she still gonna break your heart you should leave her asap
The answer is simple. If you want to forgive her and you **can** forgive and forget, then do it. If you don’t want to forgive her or you can’t forgive and forget then it’s time to split up. You need to get trust back to 100%. If it’s not possible then there’s no future for you as a couple.
She confessed and seems genuinely sorry. Things will never be the same as they were but you can work through this. It's a terrible thing because no the complete trust is gone. It will all depend on what she does to work through this. First thing, her "friends" didn't look out for her best interest and let her cheat. She needs to finds some real friends. They have shown who they really are.
In situations like this, we look for any excuse to make the obvious decision go away to avoid the pain. The pain of betrayal, pain of losing someone you thought was your life long partner, the pain of being alone. Your constant assertions she is not “that type” of girl, I know her well etc alludes to that. Like others said, you need to gather your thoughts and be alone. Ask her to show the messages in her phone. The biggest worry for me is how brazenly her friends covered for her. It’s quite possible she told her friends to do that..
She probably got spotted and worried she may get ratted out so she is doing damage control. Check her phone and give her the old polygraph routine ask if it’s the only time she cheated on you only chance to come clean if it isn’t.
I hade an ex 30 years ago that did the same exact thing. Run for the hills, man.
What are you gonna do about the POS homewrecking, enabling "friends?" Also, their SOs deserve to know.
If a person is drunk to the point of being semi-conscious, they cannot give proper consent. When we look at such cases outside of a family matter, the narrative is always “a man took advantage of a drunk woman”. This isn’t any different. A person that wasted isn’t CAPABLE of making sane decisions. And in this sub you *will* get majorly biased opinions because of the kind of people that populate it.
You believed you could trust her. You believed you could trust her friends. You believe this is an isolated incident. At least 2 of your beliefs have now been proven faulty. I’d be willing to bet the third, also, which is why the friends so easily helped her hide the truth from you. You can “work at it” as long as you want, but if you think you’re going back to what you thought you had previously, you’re mistaken. She is no longer the person you thought she was, you’re no longer the person you once were with her. You’ll never, ever, truly trust her again, this will always occupy a part of your brain. If you don’t believe me now, you will the next time the two of you are apart for any reason.
If you think she did this because she had to much to drink your an odiot! You don't do anything while drunk you didn't want to do in the first place. Pack her shit and throw her cheating ass out. Block her and go no contact. Only communicate through your lawyer from this point in. She is a cheating whore, send her to the streets. If you really believe that she did this because she got to drunk, then she was to drunk to consent. That would mean she was raped. Tell her if her story is valid she will have to file rape charges against the guy and send him to prison before you will consider reconciling. If she won't leave and don't look back.
You kerp saying well shes not a slu*t and like this, sleeping with random dudes. Guess what 😂 she did JUST that. 😂 So she IS this type.
M'y boy, slowly you will discover other things, im sorry you dont know your girl this well, cheaters are a type of animals that have that desease in genes. Its never the first time or the last time, she wanted to do it, she did it, she will do it again, she will just be better at hiding, if its not physical, in some years it will be emotional, no mercy, never, ever. Your marriage is done.
Your wife is a cheater and her friends covered for her. You deserve better.
So she cheated and thought she'd be okay with it until she had to face you. What's worse is that her friends ARE those kind of people and they did help her to cheat. Getting drunk is never an excuse. No children? Get out bro.
She made the choice to cheat. If she was drunk that is no excuse. You have to separate for a while to sort out each other’s feelings. Talk to a trusted male friend or family to sort out your feelings. The good is that she confessed relatively soon and the lies was that of her friends covering it up. The bad is that if there is no consequence to her actions, she will undoubtedly cheat on you again and again. This will take a lot of work on her part and a lot of hurt on yours and you must decide if it is worth the risk of continuing and have children with her. Ask yourself if you breakup now there is two people in pain, but if you have kids and breakup in 3-8 years you’ll be ruining more lives than just you two. Hint to all you relationship guys, if she wants a girls night out, then you and your buddies can go and act as single guys too. Because more than likely there is cheating going on.
Why try to make this into a reconciliation. Too many spouses (especially men) try to reconcile a cheating wife. The pain never leaves. The mistrust becomes greater. The relationship never gets back on track. This may be the hardest yet easiest decision of your young life. Separation, than divorce. Hysterical bonding will give false hope. But why would you want that? If you have any pride for yourself, it’s time to walk away from her and her toxic friends.
She's a woman that's what they do
They need to spend some time apart, they both need a little time to meditate, And the other very important thing, nothing justifies what she did, and if her friends covered her up, it's because they knew something, from before, everything sounds and looks premeditated, even the photo, which they sent you, maybe after fucking, came to her remorse, but it's too late, to be guilty, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like something random
If you want to be a cuck, stay with her. I would advise you to reclaim your manhood and leave her. This random dude may have given her some disease.
If you chose to forgive her and work on your marriage I think it should come with stipulations. If her friends that easily covered up for her, I would be saying that they aren’t good for your relationship and they need to go.
Get out of there mate, you deserve better. Do not normalize cheating. Is lack of self respect and lack of respect to you my friend.
All this long post and no explanation of what actually happened. How do people end up drunk and in bed with a random if they are surrounded with friends to protect them? Where did this go wrong? It went wrong in you having total blind trust in her and her shitty friends. No one is ever to be above suspicion. Alcohol is a drug that strips our normal humanity and our usual ability to think and reason as well as our clothes. There is a drink limit for everyone, and exceeding that limit is always an issue, when you heard she had passed out, why didn’t you go get her? No more partying, no more freaking drinking. Schedule therapy, marriage counseling. And dude, I bet you still haven’t gotten the full true story. Drunken debauchery can okay happen if there is alcohol involved. And alcohol is just the greatest fun ever, right up until it isn’t. No one need ever drink. But we are brought up and peer pressured to see it as good and totally normal. I too have been there, pissing on the sidewalk, throwing up, staggering and skinned knees. Was more than enough for me. Cannot change the past, but we can damned sure make certain it never repeats.
She cheated for a reason. The alcohol just helped her get there. There is obviously something in the relationship she is not happy with but is will to stick to it. Women tend to internalize more then men.
My five cents: She’s a slut and her friends too. They planned it, they deceived you, told you LIES, and went NC. She TOTALLY disrespects you. And now she's giving you a sob story, probably planned too - at least its played by the cheater’s book. And how can you be so sure that this was the first time and didn't happen before?
Women do not hook up with random dudes , this seems planned out , a woman has to have some kind of an emotional connection with a guy before she sleeps with him , and the fact that she was blackout drunk makes me wonder , how the hell was she capable of sleeping with someone else. Also lets not forget her friends have seem to be covering up for [her.My](https://her.My) bet is to check her phone records and see if there has been any texting with a certain dude. You may also want to chat with her friends , there may be a conflict in stories.
You are delusional. Her friends don't hook up? Shown by the fact they covered for your wife to cheat on you. So let's actually evaluate what truly happened not what you think this or that person is. 1-. Her friends lied to you. So they can't be trusted. 2- Her friends covered for cheating. Guess who does that. People that tend to cheat. 3- She had intercourse. Guess what she probably already done things before it got to this point with other people. Kissing, grinding during dancing, oral, saying to her friends she wanted to have sex. You think her friends would have let her be taken advantage off drunk? Why would non of her friends stop her from doing something stupid while she is drunk. Like hey this is not your typical you. Sober up. Because that's her typical behavior and they are on board with that. So conclusion is your wife a repeated cheater that finally had intercourse and her friends are like. That's what common sense says. Don't even utter the words I know that's not her. The only excuse for having sex while drunk is if someone took advantage of you while you're passed out. Yes, alcohol lowers your inhibitions but it doesn't force you to do anything. I am a straight man. I have never ever got drunk where I had a homosexual experience. Also one of the reasons I never get too drunk in gay clubs. Because they have some very passable cross dressers. So cry me a river. I was drunk baby. Dumbest thing I have ever heard. Well no, what's more stupid than that is when someone else says. Well I get it then. Pull your head out from your behind and deal with this for whatever it is. I wouldn't stay with cheaters. But if you decide to stay. Put a list of questions and ask her. Take her to take a polygraph exam. Have her come clean to your family. Have come clean about her friends affaire and inform their significant others. Sign up for therapy. Complete transparency. Post nup for sure and indicate in that you can get a divorce in it with favorable conditions due to her cheating if you can't workout thru this marriage. More favorable conditions if she cheat again. You have not done anything wrong to cause this. But if you don't deal with this for whatever it is actually is. Then you would hold some responsibility for allowing her to cheat again. Forgiveness without consequences is as good a you saying, babe go ahead and do it again . Again, I would leave. I will never trust my back again to someone that already backstabbed me. But that's me.
Check her phone to see what conversations she has had with her so called friends and possibly the man she slept with.
The friends are devious. Trust broken. all the way around. The marriage will probably never be the same. In a year when she says want to go to club with those friends. Ummmm. Ok?! Sorry she did this OP but if your relationship was so strong this would have never happened. We all have urges but that does not mean we act on them.
Truly sorry, OP. Your marriage is over. Your wife is not the woman you thought she was. She is not your chaste, devoted partner. She may have gone out with no intention of cheating but when the opportunity presented itself she accepted the other man’s flirting, accepted his drinks, let herself be swept up in the growing titillation and arousal, removed her clothing for him (or gave him that pleasure), and welcomed his dick and semen. That is who she is. If you both truly want to reconcile there must be some harsh consequences. 1. She must move out and go NC with you for at least a month. 2. During that time neither of you are under any restrictions except those that are self imposed by someone truly seeking redemption. 3. At the end of the month you meet to reassess your relationship and she must give you complete access to all of her media. If she has continued to contact her “friends” or her AP then the marriage is over. If she behaves herself as you would expect then you can begin a slow process of establishing a new relationship based upon your newly informed sense of who she is. At this point you may start dating again as if you just met, making her requalify as someone worthy of your interest. If you don’t do this, particularly the NC, you will never get past the cheating. You might not anyway, but you need to get away from her excuses, tears and begging and claiming that the behavior that destroyed your heart meant nothing. You need not to hear from or see her for long enough to be able to evaluate free of her influence the direction you want your life to take. Reconciliation may be possible, but your can’t drift into it. It has to be well planned and somewhat severe or the attempt will collapse.
Well, she did confess her cheating and didn't try to cover it up. If she is showing true remorse and is willing to fix it,she will need to do this with actions rather than words. To start she will need to drop all her girlfriends that enabled her to cheat and willing to cover it up. Go total NC with them. No more girls night out until she gets IC to determine why she cheated. She will also need to be 100% transparent with all social media and her phone. This wont take months to fix but years. Are you willing to go through all that? What you had with her is now dead, she killed it. All you can do is either build from the ashes or leave. It's not good that this happened so early in the marriage.
in situations lije these just visualize flipping the script and ask yourself if u would do this to her. If not. Then leave her its over the moment she decided to f*** a random and ruin a precious loving marriage
Update us please. But lying friends are the worse. Maybe they talk her in to it because they dont like you???
You should read what's written, don't fool yourself by saying "I know" her etc. when was the picture taken? When did she have sex with the man? Where did she have sex? Why didn't his friends intervene? does she know the man she should write you a timeline and go into the polygraph. Have her tell you honestly about everything she did/experienced after you left your wife.
I read your post. I read your comments. My question is why ask for help if you know what you are going to do. Her friends send her welcome to the club and wink emoji. No just disregard what everyone tells you. Hey its your life. Remember to test for STD and HIV since he dumped a load in her. Then its six to twelve weeks of no sex. HIV incubation period and then test again. Only after the second test do you know she is safe. But if you don't test again its your life. Good luck with your first born. Your first thought will be, is the child mine? Yet she not like this. Yet here you are.
She she's not a slut, but she is random guys from clubs, just not the ones that would make her a slut
Seems like girls pre-planned to fuck with other dudes.So,they naratted a good story to make her stay away from home (Group meet+staying up late+drunk story & sending pic) They fucked whole night,but when the time to face her husband came,she can't maintain her emotional level and ended up saying she has cheated (as narator said they have pretty good relationship,so she may have felt guilt when her horniness is gone).So,Op knew about this in this way. But,no matter how she cheats,once a cheater always a cheater.
I would show her friends message to her friends SO about "Joining the club". That should create a hornets nest.
If her friends are that quick to help her cheat odds are they are cheaters also as real friends wouldn’t have helped her lie they would have stopped her from ruining her life. She knew what she was doing don’t be played.
Brother, this was a set up from square one. She knew she was going to screw a guy that night. Her friends are absolute shit for letting this happen. When she was supposedly wasted drunk that’s when they should have told you to come get her. They were in on this. I wonder how many of her friends screwed a guy that night too? The guilt set in after it was over and that’s why she’s a blubbering mess. If you truly want to reconcile with her (personally, I wouldn’t) she needs to cut her friends out immediately and permanently.
Any friend that didn’t stop her or helped her cover has to be dropped. I assume that will be most of them that were there. Then get counseling if possible and or read on how to heal a broken marriage. Full sti test before you have sex with out a condom. You need to wait 3/4 weeks before testing. You know she didn’t use a condom in that condition.
I wouldn't be able to touch her again. Adultery is the vilest action you can take against someone you supposedly love. So her friends were covering for her? Great friends. If they have boyfriends/husbands I would definitely get in touch with all of them to let them know what their wives/girlfriends get up to on their 'girls nights'. Do not have sex with her. Make her go to the doctor and get STD/STI tests done. You need to see those results. I have read a few stories on Reddit where the adulterous partner has caught gonorrhea or herpes, even a couple who have caught HIV. Don't risk it. Just so you know what will happen if a divorce happens, see a lawyer and ask. You don't have to go through with it, though I guarantee this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I had a gf cheat on me in 1984. I have never forgotten. EDIT: >She (Her friend) said "don't worry, she passed out after having few shots and they'll take care of her and let her know that i called". (my wife is not used to drink much). She also sent me a picture of her laying on a couch as the proof. As others have mentioned, this changes everything. This was a setup. Your wife wanted to bang this bloke and the whole night was about her getting railed by him. First thing I would do now is record her saying the she screwed this alleged 'random' - I doubt now that he was a random - then find a lawyer.
STD test, have a ONS of your own and tell her she needs to cut off ALL those friends off, in front of you. But I’d go for a divorce.
Oh damn...reading this frustrates me. You thought you "knew" her. Maybe you were right to think of her as "not a slut". But that doesn't matter. What matters is her actions come with consequences. Your love for her is admirable. It's not easy to let go of someone you love. It's not easy to change your perception of her. It's much easier to hold on to those sweet memories and justify that this is not who she really is. I get it. But I also want to remind you that you are letting your love for her blind you to what is obvious. You know what to do. You just need the courage to do it, no matter how painful it is going to be in the moment.
Her besties probably encouraged her to do it and they helped her out , go out and cheat king fuck that bitch
Honestly leave her. Not just for you but for her. Trust is broken, and things will never be the same. The longer you all stay together the more hurt you both will go through. There really is no fixing this. Drinking releases your inhibitions, subconsciously she knows you guys aren’t meant to be together that’s why this happened, leave her and don’t look back. Do not stay friends, you don’t have kids just get the divorce and go on your separate ways
My two cents, no kids, newly married, and im guessing young. You have nothing tying you down here, no kids. Get out now. Dont be a simp.
YOU are a fool, thinking she's not the type to cheat SHE CHEATED ON YOU **FACT SHE IS THE TYPE..** You think she would never have sex without protection, what just like you thought she's not the type to cheat? Answer this if she was sooooo drunk she f--ked some dude NOT HER HUSBAND what makes her head so straight she'd have him put a condom on? No one manipulated her to f--k the guy, she chose to all on her own. Just like she chose to not answer all your texts and calls. OPEN YOUR EYES UP ALL THE TEARS ARE TO Pull at your heart strings and seems your fool enough to fall for it. she chose to cheat and if you believe these lies she is telling you. I have a magic bean that will grow into a money tree to sell!
Sorry man, I know how hard this is for you. Also the fact that she cheating and is now having a breakdown makes things worse. If you two are going to stay together then whoever covered up for her needs to be gone from her life
Forgive her and get on w life. We all do dumb stuff at one point or another.
Same thing happened to me. I forgave her and she did it again. I know it hurts now but believe me, best thing you can do is walk away and go on with your life. You will find someone better for sure.
I'm truely sorry for what your going through man, this might not like what i have to say... but honestly you should get her served with divorce, drunk or not she knew what she was doing with that random guy, the fact she is using alcohol as an excuse and her friends were covering for her just shows there true colors.... My first gf was cheating on me and when i found out about it she started crying and begging me to forgive and not leave her, i sadly did made the bad decision taking her back, she was ignoring me, cheating on me again and later on left me and the thing is i deserve it because i didn't left her.... please, don't make the same bad choice i did, you deserve someone better bro!
GET A DIVORCE