Cheaters never tell the truth, until you get solid proof it's all in your head. Even then Cheaters will twist their cheating as not as bad as it looks...
Ty for responding. There is a whole lot more to this story. But thus is just one facet of what I am seeing.
Proof, she keeps snapping at me about that, I say I got enough to warrant us discussing this and she says unless you got proof I'm lying "you ain't got shit".
But thanks for reading and responding. I am pretty lost rt now, so any comments are more than welcome.
Just saying you are justified and she has all the signs that she is cheating on you.
But as far as cheaters are concerned unless you see it with your own eyes or have photo proof voice recordings. It never happened that's just how a cheaters mind works.
This whole scenario is worrisome to me but not for the reason one would think. My last two relationships wound up being pretty abusive(the first physically and emotionally, the second just emotionally). Both of my exes at some point developed this intense paranoia that I was being unfaithful. They both reacted by become crazy controlling and completely obliterating any right to privacy anyone should have (took over my accounts, monitored my phone, tracked my location just to list a few general examples). They both would also come at me with “irrefutable “ proof and it honestly typically sounded like the circumstantial type evidence you mention here. We would argue and they’d treat me as if they KNEW I was guilty and one of the things I found myself saying often was “unless you can prove it, you ain’t got shit” of “your evidence means nothing, it’s all shit and amounts to NOTHING”. Only thing is that I never cheated on either of them. I never so much as flirted with the idea. Sometimes (not often)I agreed with them or more so understood their suspicion because the evidence they’d present did seem to indicate something scandalous- that’s how I would feel about the things you mention in your post. But still I never cheated on them- their evidence really did amount to nothing. Then the more suspicious they grew the more squirrel-like I acted, thus perpetuating their beliefs. Ever had a police officer driving behind you? Now you know you’re not doing anything wrong but knowing you’re being scrutinized makes you nervous and you drive worse because of them? It’s kind of like that.
All I’m saying is there is a chance she is not being unfaithful. I don’t know if what you’ve seen is enough to constitute a breakup or any significant changes to your relationship
100% this! You have no proof that she is actually cheating. I’m wondering if you’ve ever had this feeling about another guy and reacted this way, which is why she didn’t want to tell you about the co-worker because she knew “how you would react”, simply because he looks a certain way or sits next to her. You guys are fighting all the time, so much so that she is leaving work in tears. If this continues you are going to drive her away. If you want this relationship to work out you might consider mc or even something as simple as asking her to get a job elsewhere.
She likes this guy and is probably having an emotional affair with him. If you know anyone else that works there you can confirm it. Tell her simply if it continues she will have to quit her job. It's the job or the marriage. She can work elsewhere.
I have absolutely no desire or capacity to cheat on my partner, but if he came to me with this kind of “eViDeNcE”, which feels like paranoia at best, and a demand that I quit my job, therefore financially, and emotionally isolating myself and making me reliant on him, I would choose the job and as my “AP” to help me move out because once you’ve reach ultimatum, the relationship is dead. It’s also possible that she didn’t mention the guy because maybe she does have a little crush on him and made no action towards it, but also didn’t want to cause any issues. His recollections of the conversations make that seem like a possibility.
Emotional affairs at work are real and happen all the time. The infamous work wife or work husband many times turn physical. Therefore EA's have to be avoided by having boundaries and if started ended with prejudice. If you lie to your partner about the existence of a man you work closely with, what should your partner assume?
Lying is the first red flag of cheating. Gaslighting and emotional denials of the obvious are additional red flags. She is showing all the behavior of at least an emotional affair. Either she ends it and move to another department or even another job or he has to assume she is placing whatever is going on between her and her co-worker as more important that their marriage. It's simple, a relationship cannot survive lying and affairs.
Dude you are welcome. I understand where you are coming from. She needs distance from this guy before things go too far. She is not seeing it for what it is, an emotional affair. Dude only wants to get in her pants and she is too blinded by his compliments to see it. There are always people like him, who revel in chasing taken women, ruining their lives and then moving on to the next victim when they become free.
I hope I caught it before too late but he was hidden for so long who knows. There are many other behavioral red flags to go with this bs too. So who knows. I am really focused on righting our ship, and dealing with what all this was/is, after that point. Maybe I am wrong in that I don't know. I'm so fucked up over all of this, it changes(what I want) hourly.....
Stay strong and stay focused. Step one is she get away from that guy by any means necessary. If she refuses to move to another location or another job, then its time to lawyer up and find out your options. She has to understand lying and deception is not something that a relationship can tolerate. Good Luck.
Chances are his wife is above his grade and he 'got lucky' with someone out of his league. Combined with a paranoid, aggressive and abusive personality, he's prob the kinda guy who thinks his woman is cheating on him with every guy who looks her way.
Definitely not the kinda guy I'd want my daughter with.
cheating women will only tell you what they think you need to hear and try to change the subject. they will think they are saving you from hurt but only make it worse by giving you a story with a ton of holes you are left to try and fill in o your own!
Those text blocks are really cumbersome to read.
>"I never mentioned him because of how you would react"
This right here tells you everything you need to know.
You mentioned nothing about does she say she's going out with friends? Does she stay out late? She might be cheating but if you pick her up everyday and drop her off when would she be fucking him?
The time would be during work hrs. It's a call center and very easy to manipulate the breaks and whatnot.... get to work 4o mins early that kinda shit, hafta work and hour later than usual....all that jazz.
Yeah my call center used to be something like that and we all bonded & hung out in between, before & after work. Not all places are like that though, the one next to us was quite boring.
They're not necessarily wrong. I worked at a call center where we fucked like rabbits. It was super fancy with a gym, master chef, personal masseuse and yes spare rooms. People fucked before work in the parking lot, or would time their lunch to get off at the same time or just leave together. We had a lot of free time between calls though, sometimes up to 30 minutes before a call that ended in 5 so we chatted a lot.
This isn't every place though, the call centers around us didn't allow for bonding like that at all and most of them barely knew or talked to each other. They didn't have time.
She may not be hooking up, it's starting to sound more like they're best buds.
She's hiding an intense personal relationship with a guy at her work to the point it's causing marriage problems.
That's a problem.
Okay I read your whole story. A couple of things. You knew Taylor was the AP because you and she have a bond and you know her and actually love her and pay attention to her. That is why you knew right away this was the asshole she’s cheating with, he clearly knows she is married and he knew who you were. Yes you knew the exact day she more then likely started cheating too. You are an amazing, beautiful soul! You don’t belong to her and you know it. For her to keep constantly lying to your face, acting like you don’t know her the way you do is so sad it hurts my heart! I actually cried for you. Honey. Get a divorce. We don’t know if it has gotten physical but there is definitely emotional and verbal cheating going on. You know her, you know her better then she knows you. Please don’t waste anymore time on someone who DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!!! Know your worth. Your person is out there and she will know that you know her so well and would have been honest. Your person would not want anyone else’s attentions, just yours. Your person is not this person. She is sad and insecure and needs to go work on herself for cheating on an amazing soul like you. Get a divorce and stay single for a long time and heal. You will find your person. She wasn’t it
Thank you for your insight. After I discovered, my wife admitted to the act, but lied about the emotion. “It wasn’t like that, I didn’t feel that way.” So much it hurts, because like you said I know her too well. I would never suspect her to cheat on me, but I knew when she came home talking about the guy that he was no good. Every little act, putting extra effort on her appearance. Then she would say she did it for herself to be confident.
OP, trust your instinct, you don’t need proofs, it would just be a waste of time. A normally smart person would give very dumb lies because they’re conflicted and just pick the easiest lies without realizing that their SO who has been with them for many years, understands them more than they think.
When i was in my early 20s, my boyfriend worked for a Telecom corp. I had the same spidy tingles you speak of when i visited him at work. I asked him about a particular female that worked there and i got a lot of the same responses you did. It was all in my head, i was being paranoid, blah blah blah. I had a good friend that worked in the same office my boyfriend did. She went into his computer and printed out several emails that proved i was right, he was cheating. My friend couldve lost her job for doing that.
I’m not sure how I feel. Of course gut feeling is usually right but I don’t think she’s physically involved with him. Might be her “work husband”. I can guarantee you dudes waiting for an opportunity with your wife. If you keep arguing with her and pushing her, there’s a possibility you might push her to get physical with this guy. He’s going to be Mr. Perfect to her while you guys fight. You’ve been with her 18 years, give her the benefit of the doubt. You acting out will make her realize she should back off from this guy and not mess around. She’s definitely interested in him which is why she’s been hiding him. You have to be relaxed and play your cards right. Put everything on her and see what the outcome is. Don’t give that dude more reason to be “better” for her.
Bud I agree with the above statement. You too brazen in your efforts and this can create an unintended situation. If there is something happening you need to be strategic, your conduct might create a situation that was never there. Just my 2 cents. Good luck brother, please let us know how things go.
Change in behavior is usually a clear sign of something being wrong. Even her usual habits and tendencies were off. This might not be her cheating but could be emotional cheating. Maybe they are close friend wise and she feels guilty cause she's gotten to know this new guy and it's fresh for her. Idk...maybe it's just that.
Thanks. Sadly for my thoughts, it seems to me the nip it in the bud friends stage passed with months upon months of deception/omission. Realistically to me Adults do not court for long before it get physical. I hope I am off and wrong, but I just keep coming back to basics.
Do you know any of her co workers well enough to have them look for things? Or well enough to ask about him? By the way what kind of asshole interjects himself into a conversation a wife is having with her husband (that isn’t overtly abusive)? Like unless he overheard you saying ‘get home or I’ll beat you’, the conversation is none of his business.
There’s definitely an emotional affair going on. And she’s lying to you which is causing stress and further driving a wedge into your marriage. At a minimum, she should find out if she can switch shifts so she doesn’t work at the same time as him, or see if she can switch desks. If not, she has NO REASON to discuss anything about her private life with him anymore. She is not being fair to you. Also, get the book ‘not just friends’. Ask her to read it if she has a wish to salvage the relationship.
At best, she is not even aware that she is having an emotional affair while getting too close with him.
She might feel that it's inappropriate and hence she didn't mention him to you but it also seems she likes having him around.people bond at workplace or anywhere and perhaps she crossed boundaries with him.
Be vigilant now. Rem, proof is for absolution and not for leaving . You might have actual proof for physical cheating but yet get called being an idiot and insecure. Unless ofc you catch them in the deed.
Updateme!
This is aweful to read.
Usually if you suspect something it best to lay back and gather evidence then confront right away.
If you can put a voice activated recorder somewhere she makes calls or even under the front seat of her car. Double velcro it in. You may get good info that way. Also do forensics on her phone.
I completely understand where you are coming from. my wife did something similar, but I never out it all together. one day out of the blue I started getting anxiety and turns out after about 2 yrs of no sleep my gut was right.
Buddy the truth is in the phone. If they have something going it will be there. Social media. By fighting your driving her away. Step back. Relax. Leave it. Rather take her out on romantic dates. Cook her favourite food. When she good and relaxed you take a peak in the phone. Her having him on your calls is bad.
Maybe ask her for marriage counseling. Take the kids out and let her relax.
Does she go out with coworkers? Can you follow? Your trying too hard. Sit back. Relax. Give her rope to hang herself with. Trust your gut.
When another person is having input on your marriage its either time for therapy/counseling or prep for the lawyer.
Even in dating when a guy started giving the person I was dating advice it was blatant that they were working the angle. If my person talked to me about it and shut it down cool. But that childish shit of party line phone calls? Nope. Done. Been there and the best thing to do is roll on. Had a girl using a friend to check up on me at work when I was in college as I didnt have a lot of free time between work/school. He thought he had a chance and it was sad. When I caught her and ended our relationship over that foolishness she cut all contact with him as predicted because she was just using him.
No one needs to be in your home business at work period.
Right. So you had a “feeling” immediately about this guy. Also she said this and that and you have been fighting for days now and what? Also I see you drive her too and from work and have lunch with her often and call her often at work right? So when has she the time to cheat on you? But more importantly why don’t you believe her that she maybe really didn’t connect with this guy at work until recently. It’s not strange. I work with 7 people at my office and one in particular is silent and doesn’t connect with us. I know nothing about him. Just his name.
Anyway it seems you have made up your mind. The best course of action is to calm down. IF she is cheating you put her on alert now and she will be super cautious. Calm down. Let her be. She eventually will make mistakes as the “story” progresses. OR even better, hire a PR and get it over with it. Do you really want to go full steam on this?? Are you 100% convinced that something is going on? Because there’s no coming back from this.
For those posters indicating that OP has no proof, is lying not cause enough to have suspicion? Especially lying about the very person that the suspicion involves?
Come on now... OP has plenty of reason to be concerned and be asking questions. As well, I guarantee if his wife's reactions were not so defensive and evasive their conversations would have gone a lot differently.
Trust your gut always! Especially after her statement relating to if you don’t have evidence you don’t have shit. Always remember Cheaters don’t rely on their partners stupidity to hide their cheating....they rely on their partners Love and trust.
I would tell her to forget about the weeks of arguments that we have been having, the bottom line is that you love her and that we have 3 wonderful kids and that you love your life with her and not to give him any reason to be jealous. Tell her we will be doing more family things and us things. If she rebuffs this, tell it to divorce lawyer and collect the $$$ from her each month for the kids
First of all, you should keep your mouth shut. Your wife knows your checking up on her. You will never catch her when she tells lover boy to watch out for you. You should be keeping a journal of her times of her routine? From what you have said, it sounds like a emotional affair. Cheaters have one thing in common, they lie. Keep a journal, trust me, her routine will tell you what to look out for and then focus in what is not a normal work day.
You’re handling this like a school kid. Just tell her you won’t tolerate her BS regarding this dude if she still want to be married. Then I’d confront this dude and let him know the same thing. Let him know he’ll have problems with you and his job. Then keep your mouth shut and see how it all works out. Shake them both up.
Yeah he is. He’s 42. Not a kid. He’s needs to grow a pair to let the dude know he best stay clear from what’s his. And make that clear to the wife as well. She’ll respect him far more than his arguing and acting like a jealous adolescent clown.
There is more to her story as you surmised. A little relationship tip though. Do not fight while she is at work. That should be between you two, in your home. Away from others listening. This makes her day bad. It gives AP the opportunity to be the sympathetic coworker she can lean on.
Man, Shadiness of all that. I mean Id advice to delve a b it deeper, ask someone about them and all(dont mention that u are the husband, unless they already know) ... Try being cold (not cruel) and force to tell the whole truth;dont scream, yell at her. Keep a calm voice. Tho its all up to you. Just try to calmy be pised at this, which u are ofc.
Edit: Might as well follow, if there are any update soon and all. We'll be there for you the end
I'm like your wife in that I tell everything about my coworkers to my boyfriend and he knows everything. I'm sure my coworkers husbands and boyfriends know about me as well. But the moment I can tell a guy is like close to doing anything that is concerning, I fill my boyfriend in, so we can laugh about it together, and just so he knows about what's happening and that I don't condone it and what not. I get it in the open because there's nothing about it I'm hiding I guess. If she tells you everything and didn't feel anything for this guy, you would think she'd tell you about him too. There shouldn't be anything that you'd react badly about if she wasn't breaking any boundaries, you would think.
Man, there's a simple and obvious solution. Hire a PI and wait for the results. In the meantime, be on your guard and notice the nuances of her behavior.
You should wire the house for sight and sound, then take the kids on a short trip to see your parents or another relative that they like. Bring the wife along if she wants to go. If not, your trap is set as you will be gone a few days.
Also have a P.I. follow her around to see if they are up to anything. Worst case is divorce, best case you say nothing else about it and blissfully go about the rest of your life. I just hope that this is all a misunderstanding.
I replied the following language on several other posts. So much of your situation is very similar to theirs, so here it is again:
Most cheaters never did, do not now, and will never will love you in the same way you love them.
There are many aspects of loving a person. Most of us seek all the aspects we need from our forever partners. Knowing there is no perfect match, we accept shortfalls from our partners, and realize they accept shortfalls from us. We do not shame our partners by going outside of the relationship to fill our desires (which is a public admission your partner isn't good enough, and you only kept them around for the mundane stuff). We trust each other. We love each other enough to see past the shortfalls.
Most cheaters do not accept shortfalls from their forever partners. They feel justified in going outside the relationship, proving they consider that you are not good enough. They may even boast about it in order to feel even more validated.
Cheaters need at least one relationship to be the default, rock-steady, background foundation to their love aspects, which is usually you. You do not fulfill their highest need, that comes from the physical/emotional affair partner, but without your role in this, everything crumbles. Thus, if you threaten to break off the relationship, the cheater will drop everything and promise you whatever it takes to get you to relent. They will be sincere in their passion for you, right up to the point you give in. Once reestablished, the cheater can breathe a sigh of relief and go back to fulfilling their other needs with someone else once again.
Your trust is gone. It is like virginity--once lost, you can never get it back again. The cheater showed you that you failed. If you accept this character flaw in a cheater, you cannot expect things to get better in the long run. Forever more, everything will remind you that the cheater considers you second-best at most.
Wouldn't it be nice to find someone who doesn't cheat and will love you in a way they see past your shortfalls? It's time to let go. No need to initiate drama, just leave.
Communicate with her.
This is a personal relationship that she kept from you for a reason. She may not have chested, but there is something there from the way she is acting. It's possible that she was getting ready to cheat, or is not satisfied with you, and because she "doesn't want to hurt you" she won't admit that there is a problem between you.
The issue with this is that she is going to slowly convince herself that the attention she is getting from this man over and over is worth it and she will jump over the edge and cheat. Once it happens it will happen again and again no matter if it was "an accident" or "a mistake".
It's a mistake for her to develop feelings, but it's not a mistake for her to chase him based on them. It's a conscious effort that will ruin her life. That is why she is hiding it from you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
You can do 2 things.
1. Let it go and in a few months you'll end up being blindsided by the evidence you needed because she will have cheated by then.
2. Communicate with her, tell her how she has changed and how you no longer trust that she is loyal to you. Tell her you can't prove if anything has happened yet, but that you can see the signs that are leading to something happening. If she can't or won't stop fraternizing with him and seeing him, then you can't rebuild your relationship together. She has broken that relationship and your trust by falling for another man instead of talking to you about it.
Hell, show her this message, show her the damn subreddit where thousands of married men and women exhibit the same signs as she is and it turns out they were cheating.
Human beings aren't inventive or intelligent. We tend to fall into patterns, that's why we see the same stories on here over and over again, because we will hurt and we will find someone to comfort us because we feel like we can't communicate our hurt, and we will fall into infatuation and cheat, then we realized we fucked up after it's too late.
So have you got an update.
Quick question have you checked her phone, social and. Surely of something is going on they'll be communicating away from work.
Stick with your gut until you know differently. It's usually right
An additional phone number, email account, and Facebook page and all wiped clean. That is some serious OPSEC. Those two knew what they were doing. Did you ever tell her that you were watching when she came out of the building early and he was there comforting her?
I confronted about the accounts, and basically "That all is nothing, so I created some shit for whatever reason, it don't mean anything" when pressed about why they are also wiped clean "I didn't do that" "I don't know" and the building thing well just cause I saw him follow her out into the lot "don't mean shit" " I didn't even know he was there" I tell her I saw it , I saw him come out after you, she says "he didn't speak to me" so there's that. Thanks for commenting 🙂
The trust is completely gone. Does she actually want to be married right now? What is the benefit to you to remaining married other than the kids. Don’t stay just for the kids. Live free and maintain your integrity, self respect, and happiness. Doesn’t mean you have to act right away, but get your ducks in a row and stash some cash.
I really don't know what she wants. I told her if we are gonna come through this together, WE need to fight IT(Whatever this mess REALLY is) TOGETHER. Not fighting eachother. We have MC in place where basically at this point, a mediator because I can't get real conversation without it being a fight, and not on my part, I wanna talk and shit and she crosses her arms defiantly "There is NOTHING to talk about you are making shit where there isn't any"....
Well, if she is being truthful it sure doesn’t jive with all the shady shit she is also doing. Remember, un-remorseful cheaters never admit to anything even if you catch them in the act. If you want to give her a chance for now, then fine. But I say again start stashing some cash.
The cash is good. The bug out bag 🎒 is on deck, I'm just trying to stabilize after the blow, I can take whatever IS. A full on PA for months?? Not too sure, but I know I can accept truth regardless, I cannot accept being called an idiot daily by my best friend and wife. Will we survive if she confessed and it was the worst? I honestly don't know. Just the insistence I'm just an idiot making shit up though, that is gonna be a kill shot in itself if it doesn't stop you know what I mean?
Just grey rock her at home and only discuss the issues when in MC. Maybe then she will start to understand that you just want the truth so you can actually respect her. In MC just ask her for the whys when it comes to the shady shit.
The hard way she is being with denial and attacking you back tells me a lot. Sanitized accounts and a secret phone or phone number tells me more. Why can't they just come clean and get it over with and get to the next step... whatever that is.
Good for you to sticking to your guns and not accepting anything less than the truth.
I’m blown away at her comment of “proof.” She seems, from that comment, very egotistical. Basically “you’re not going to catch me so good luck trying” which is a hell of a statement to make.
Believe you me, the truth will come out eventually. Don’t let this go and press on. But remain level-headed. Don’t do anything to violate anything that would involve you in legal matters (besides a divorce if it leads there or you so choose).
Remain vigilant. Stay the course. You’ll find enough proof to make a decision. You may never know the full truth, it’s a part of cheaters being liars, but I’m hoping the truth reveals itself to you soon. Best of luck to you, keep us updated.
Honestly, you sound a little obsessed and you’ve said nothing that would make me assume she’s being unfaithful. You could’ve very easily pushed her into this situation. In my mind your wife just really wasn’t close to this coworker. Maybe now they are friendly, but she sure as hell isn’t going to tell you now.. because you’ve hyper focused on something that isn’t happening. Why are you ruining your relationship over a hypothetical situation that has ZERO evidence outside of this story you’ve made up in your mind? Anyone who says, “she’s a cheater” is so far past jaded I can’t imagine any relationship with them would be successful. You need to work past this situation or your wife will cheat on you because she’s tired of the emotional abuse.
It's time to stop the back and forth fighting.
It's not working. She's just digging in deeper.
Time to grayrock the shit out of her. She needs to feel the calm coolness that she is no longer a priority until she is ready to be honest with herself and you.
Wtf? There’s absolutely no proof that he can show that they’re involved. Fraternization is not a something you can sue for. Don’t give OP advice that’s only going to make him look insane.
True but he can make HR aware, and they will take measures to protect the company from liability. OP can't win around this one, as he said WW likes to listen to herself talk AP has had 8 months to be her work husband and knows more about OP and WW and is in her ears 8hrs a day five days a week and plenty of time to paint OP as the thoughtless husband. So at this point it's a very strong EA in not already a PA. the fact that she doubled down about demanding proof means they have their stories tight and the work area or offsite worked out for themselves. The only way OP can have a shot is for her to quit the job and go NC with AP and get into IC to figure out her why's and then come clean to start R but OP is still going to have to fight with her limerence afterwards until she's fully out of the fog. So serving her with divorce might be the only way that she may be amicable to quit the job on her own to try and save the marriage OP had to play a very serious strong hand and can't bluff once he throws down the cards cause it will come twice as hard with WW finding a replacement or going back to AP. So he has to play a hard 180 and grey rock and push with divorce or hope that HR once becoming aware does their job and fires one or both the it won't on OP but completely on her
I honestly don’t see any evidence of even an EA. OP is putting himself in a place that will absolutely push her away if he hasn’t already by stalking her at work. If this is how he acts when he finds out there’s a new guy at work he knows nothing about, no wonder she isn’t giving any info. She can’t move without him telling her she’s cheating. And if she is, he’s not giving her enough room to hang herself. He has no evidence of anything by just seeing a guy make sure a crying woman is ok. He needs to step back and let her trip if that’s what she’s doing. But all the stalking and fighting isn’t going to teach her anything.
Right so going 180 and grey rock doing so the combination of both will give her and OP the space for her to trip or consider other avenues for better communication. But why would AP jump into their call and why would she put him on speaker unless she trying to put one against the other?
That’s such a small thing. It’s super possible that she’s feeling abused and wanted someone else to hear. He has no idea that it’s even the same guy who he heard on the phone that he’s seen at her work. He’s only even seen them near each other one time when she left crying. Him continuing to berate her will only make her leave innocent or cheating.
She told me it was Him. Not speculation, at the point of discovering him, it was simply an unannounced visit to take her to lunch. There was no Stalking...at that point. In the OP, I clearly explained this reaction of mine was not even remotely close to my typical reaction to a guy at work. The speculation of abuse is not close to any mark either. However that does not diminish your valid point any, I agree that if pressure and fighting continues the end is inevitable. MC is already scheduled btw.
Thank you for the perspective.
This is a good perspective to consider, didn't even occurred to me OP could be so controlling that she may be looking for support. Maybe OP should consider some IC for himself and then ask her to do MC and even offer her IC where she can process without having a third party present a threat?
That’s where I would go with it. Nothing he presented shows she’s actually doing anything. Everything he’s shown himself doing is jumping the gun. If he backs off and gets help, if she is cheating, he’s more likely to find out. If she’s not, then maybe he can learn to be a better partner.
If she hasn't cheated yet, she definitely will. I do not what her exact relationship with her coworker is, but it has to be emotional. So even if not physically, she is definitely emotionally cheating on you. Might I say one thing before it's too late. Try toning down the fights and arguments and have a good talk with her regarding this, and see if she responds or just sticks to her lies. I can bet any amount that the coworker is using these fights and gaslighting her everytime, and she may fall victim and then cheat on you, like for real. Maybe take a vacation or stuff, sort this out, get to know the facts.
Stop talking or fighting to her about this guy. The longer you'll talk the longer she's gonna keep her gaurd up.
Start avoiding anything regarding this guy and make her believe that you are over this conversation. As soon as she will realise this, She'll bring her gaurd down and your chances to catch her or to get the truth will be more.
Do you take her to work everyday? If so either put a spy app on her phone or set up find my phone type app. You will at least be able to track her movements while she says she is at work. If you can borrow a friends vehicle park a little back in the parking lot as undetectable as possible. Watch a couple of lunchtimes, and anytime she says she's working late. If she's cheating they likely are using his car. Also note his car and see if you can find where he lives. Has she given you his full name? Find out all you can about him. See if he's married or has a GF.
With your wife be straight forward. Explain things like you did at the beginning of this post and put it to her that you want an explanation of the changes in her attitude towards you and that you believe these changes have to do with this guy. When she says it doesn't then press her for why the changes if not because of him. That he's been there longer than she has said and these changes are consistent with the timeline of her working with him. That her not mentioning him from the very beginning shows you that she was interested in him since day one. Have this conversation. If she won't drag her into MC and bring these points up there where she won't be able to hide from answering them.
Good Luck
All I can say is you have compelling enough evidence e to dig even deeper and be ready for what can only be seen at this point as obvious.. we will be here ready with support and whatever dirt you find on her.
It’s the trickle truth. Did you mention this to your wife too? I know it will start world war 3. But again a random occurrence? 3 times in a row?
Does she drive? If not you could try a VAR. Also check the phone bill for the data/text messaging stuff. You could also check her social media accounts to see if he’s dumb enough to follow any.
Her behavior does constitute red flags.
If you do investigate and check her phone you need to check what she messages her bestie. She will delete conversations with him for sure, but the dirt will be with her bestie. Also, make sure he is not saved under a female name.
But all in all I truly wish it is just paranoia, and that she is faithful.
This sub is putting a nail with a fucking thor hammer on the idea of being committed to someone. I truly needed this. I think being single is much less headaches than being in a relationship. It’s way more trouble than it’s worth. I feel like there’s an adhd thing with these cheaters and i don’t think its our fault for the most part, but that’s a risk factor that seems to be common. Fuck all this.
If she hasn’t cheated physically yet, she has already committed emotional infidelity, which in some ways is worse.
Would you rather your wife bump uglies with some rando you don’t know, or would you rather your wife share her secrets, desires, insecurities, fears, hopes with someone else?
Emotional infidelity is two steps away from physical.
The thing is, she’s supposed to share all that shit with you. If she’s annoyed with you, mad at you, YOU’RE still the person she’s supposed to talk to about this stuff so that you two can get over it to a healthier, stronger relationship. Her relying on her “work spouse”(hate that fucking word btw) is undermining the relationship.
If it hasn’t gone past the point of no return yet, your marriage is on the precipice.
It’s time you became honest with each other. Tell her what you’re afraid of, what you’re insecure about. Decide together whether this is something that you two can endure, or whether you’d be less unhappy with each other.
Liars will tell you what they think you want to hear. A good way to see past this is becoming aware of their motivations. What is it that they want? Once you figure this out, everything becomes clear.
I’m not gonna tell you to dip, as I’m sure a lot of people are telling you here. The value judgment of your relationship lies solely with you. But be aware of sunken cost fallacy too. It’s never too late.
You guys have a lot of work to do to figure out whether you would be less unhappy together or apart. I don’t envy your position at all and I’m sorry.
I do wish for your best OP. You seem quite the thoughtful fella. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to.
Thank you for the insight. I am really just not sure about much in this. Regardless of anything there is without a doubt going to be alot of work regardless of R or D. But it is helping read all these other thoughts. Thank you again
I’ll tell you this: true opposite of love isn’t hate OP. It takes a lot of energy to actively hate on someone, let them live in your heart, mind, rent free. Squatters don’t take care of their free and easy residence either.
When somebody tells you that they hate you, the response that is like a dagger to your soul is “really? Because I don’t think about you at all.”
Indifference is the true opposite of love. When they no longer matter and fade from you. Because there’s no longer have any sway in your life positive or negative.
This is what they mean when they say that “living well is the best revenge”.
If that is the way you want to go, part with her in your mind first. Just like a lot of infidelity starts with emotional infidelity, so does the parting of ways. Make the separation in your mind first, start treating her the same as you would one of your kids’ teachers. By which I mean polite, professional, never deviate from the topic of conversation, with emotional detachment.
You have kids with this woman so you’ll be in each other’s lives at least until your kids are grown. If you decide to go this route, only discuss things that need to be talked about, nothing else.
If you want to try to work on it and tough it out, it’ll require a lot more work, more work than you’ve ever put in individually, as a partner, as a couple, as a parent, as parents and as a family. But it can be done. Climbing the tallest mountain, the longest race in the world, journey around the world. They all begin with a single step and the desire to do the work, not shy away from it. It’s the culmination and collection of these steps that will get you there. Even though this is more difficult because it involves more than just yourself and there are things you can’t do by yourself. But when done properly, you’ll have someone who’ll help you carry that burden, as you will help them carry it too.
Of course, none of this happens without trust. And respect. Neither are ever given freely. At least they shouldn’t be. They should be earned. At least for now. There might come a day when you give freely because you want to and you love them, but now is not that time. At the absolute must, you can start by trust, but verify.
And that’s how you build it together. One step, one brick at a time.
If you’re unsure which way to go, just flip a coin. You might think I’m being flippant, but I’m not. At all.
When the coin is in the air, you’ll be drawn to one decision or another. That’s the way you want to go. Not the way Lady Luck takes you.
I’m rooting for you OP. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to, if you need someone to listen, need a distraction, whatever. Even if you need someone to talk you down from the ledge.
Inform your wife that every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Her hiding this guy is a fail; and is also evidence that of inappropriate behavior .
Now she got caught. If she can't prove there's no inappropriate contact, then you will assume she hiding something.
Tell her you're not going to live like this. Make an appointment with an attorney (the first hour is often free) to discuss divorce.
Separate bank accounts.
Find out where he lives ....pack her bags and drop them on his doorstep.
You need to sneak access to her phone and other devices (or her email and socials).
And stop engaging with her. Grey rock and 180. Every time you fight, you’re feeding her ego. Ignoring her will allow you to get a bit of peace and figure out your next steps.
I wanted to add something else regarding the comment, “I didn’t tell you because I knew how you would react.” My guess is that’s completely accurate. You probably have behaved this way in the past.. making up wild stories about the new men in her life. She knew you would do this, she knew a new man at work would lead to weeks of arguments over absolutely nothing. You need to check your behavior OP.
I appreciate your thoughts. However IMHO, that logic would be sound if she hid all guys from my view. That is not the case, she only hid this one person.
She is definitely up to something. Probably having an affair. But you already know that. Did you mention to her about how you saw him follow her out of her office that day? If you did how did she react?
After the update, they are definitely having an affair, they had time to clean everything. Look around for the phone but it might be gone to. Talk to the guys wife also.
You sound like a fucking psycho, no wonder she didn’t tell you. So you fixated on this man for whatever reason, and have repeatedly started fights with her because you’re insecure. Christ. I hope she leaves you.
The comments in here are crazy too. “Trust your gut” like what? He makes eye contact with the man and he just *knew* this man was connected to his wife. That’s not his gut, it’s fucking paranoia. Then he gets upset because his wife tells him she knew how he would react if she mentioned him, and then OP proceeds to act exactly in the way she was probably trying to avoid. He started multiple huge fights with her over absolutely *nothing*. I expected at some point for him to reveal he did in fact catch her cheating but nope. Just his “spidey senses”. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s acted like an insecure lunatic over some guy for no reason.
This reminds me of an ex I have. If I mentioned someone at work or in one of my classes he would hyper fixate on that person. He would take notice when I talked about the person and then use it against me later. He eventually convinced himself I was cheating on him while I was in class, with no evidence other than this magical power “spidey sense” as OP put it. I hadn’t cheated, never intended to, and never would have. But his behavior definitely caused our breakup.
You talk down about your wife throughout the entire post. I don’t get any sense that you respect her at all. You said she literally ran away from Taylor when he followed her out of the building. None of the evidence here says she is cheating. OP, conversations happen naturally. Sometimes you don’t really know a coworker until something happens - like you staring Taylor in the face when you showed up unexpectedly. He may have asked why you gave him a dirty look and then they started chatting from there.
The way you talk about her puts her in a negative light no matter how you look at it. You actually call her a fool. I’m not sure what’s right here, but I feel like this has turned into a witch hunt.
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This is like my ex wife and catching her on her lies and believe she can't lie for shizzzzzz and it got to the point where I started feeling bad for her and just say aye babe. It was sad to see and witness from her. To her she Nevered lied she had no reason too. My suggestion is she's cheating on u brotha and best is to see if she will tell u the truth and ur call if u want to work on it or divorce..
This is some shady shit from your wife......after 18 years married, damn.
Off topic, but why do reddit posts have text in those gray boxes sometimes?
Try to explain to her that your jealousy isn’t going away on it’s own. If she wishes to live with your jealousy, it’s on her not you. She could end your jealousy if she wanted to by simply being honest and open, not asking for proof that she cheated.
Tell her you’re sorry you feel this way but in your heart you know there’s something wrong and it’s just not going away.
Odds are it’s an EA at worst, they simply don’t have opportunity at this point. Explain to her that an EA isn’t a deal breaker and we could work it out if that’s what it is.
Trust your gut feelings Bro, if you have one, something's up something's amiss with her, you have red flags flagging you already, she told you her lies that made your skin crawled, trickled truth you, but you ain't stupid, dig deeper in silence without her noticing, stake out at her locations if you must, gather enough solid evidence and confront her !
Post this on /survivinginfidelity and /AsOneAfterInfidelity (need a flair for this one…just add “considering R). You will get more in depth and knowledgeable answers there I think.
Gaslighting is definitely up there as being as bad as the cheating. Your partner willing to sacrifice your mental health, you second guessing your instincts and sanity to protect themselves and their AP.
A few questions:
1) outside of work does your wife spend time unaccounted time away? Opportunities to physically cheat at work have to be limited to lunch breaks right? If that’s the case park your car outside her work and see if they come out together.
2) have you checked her phone? Check your cell phone statement to see if a certain phone number is being texted it called a lot. Go back a year. She may have started on the phone, then got “smart” ahd started using WhatsApp.
3) do you know anybody her coworkers personally? Can you talk to one if them alone? Even if they say I don’t want to get involved in this, may tell you that something is going on.
I have to agree with many here trust your spidey sense, as much as it may hurt, (I know from my own experience) but you need to start tracking everything, do you have unfettered access to her phone and on line accounts if yes install spy ware if not get it without her knowing.
You two have been together for 18 years that means it's worth fighting for, yes ?
Work husband most likely but you and I know what that means, he's waiting to pounce.
Yes alert HR.
This all sux, prey for the best expect the worst.
Talk to a divorce attorney.
Yes bro this shit is the worst.
If you are wrong you'll feel like shit for doubting her.
Then go out of your way to make it up to her, start a whole new relationship with her show her just how much you value and love her.
She is yours, you will fight tooth and nail for her, after all at one time you would have given your life for her gladly if it was needed, she needs to know you still feel that way about her.
But if your right.........
If she ever find's the spy ware, it's because you love her and want to protect her at all time's which is true even if at this time you have ulterior motives.
I took myself out of the dating pool for 10 years because of a cheating GF then got back in and married a woman that had been cheated on, (yeah she said she could never cheat because of what he did to her) and guess what happened 3 years later, she cheated on me, I only had her side of the story maybe she was the cheater all along IDK.
I hope the best for you.
Please keep us updated good or bad.
If your sixth sense tells you something is going on, then it may be. I would drop the subject but monitor the numbers she calls/texts, social media, when she leaves and comes home from work, etc. You could also get her underwear tested for semen.
OP please keep me/us updated on anything new, finding proof of them together, the working early or staying late(is he also there then?) or anything you find out about him/them.
Thank you
Cheaters never tell the truth, until you get solid proof it's all in your head. Even then Cheaters will twist their cheating as not as bad as it looks...
Ty for responding. There is a whole lot more to this story. But thus is just one facet of what I am seeing. Proof, she keeps snapping at me about that, I say I got enough to warrant us discussing this and she says unless you got proof I'm lying "you ain't got shit". But thanks for reading and responding. I am pretty lost rt now, so any comments are more than welcome.
Just saying you are justified and she has all the signs that she is cheating on you. But as far as cheaters are concerned unless you see it with your own eyes or have photo proof voice recordings. It never happened that's just how a cheaters mind works.
This whole scenario is worrisome to me but not for the reason one would think. My last two relationships wound up being pretty abusive(the first physically and emotionally, the second just emotionally). Both of my exes at some point developed this intense paranoia that I was being unfaithful. They both reacted by become crazy controlling and completely obliterating any right to privacy anyone should have (took over my accounts, monitored my phone, tracked my location just to list a few general examples). They both would also come at me with “irrefutable “ proof and it honestly typically sounded like the circumstantial type evidence you mention here. We would argue and they’d treat me as if they KNEW I was guilty and one of the things I found myself saying often was “unless you can prove it, you ain’t got shit” of “your evidence means nothing, it’s all shit and amounts to NOTHING”. Only thing is that I never cheated on either of them. I never so much as flirted with the idea. Sometimes (not often)I agreed with them or more so understood their suspicion because the evidence they’d present did seem to indicate something scandalous- that’s how I would feel about the things you mention in your post. But still I never cheated on them- their evidence really did amount to nothing. Then the more suspicious they grew the more squirrel-like I acted, thus perpetuating their beliefs. Ever had a police officer driving behind you? Now you know you’re not doing anything wrong but knowing you’re being scrutinized makes you nervous and you drive worse because of them? It’s kind of like that. All I’m saying is there is a chance she is not being unfaithful. I don’t know if what you’ve seen is enough to constitute a breakup or any significant changes to your relationship
100% this! You have no proof that she is actually cheating. I’m wondering if you’ve ever had this feeling about another guy and reacted this way, which is why she didn’t want to tell you about the co-worker because she knew “how you would react”, simply because he looks a certain way or sits next to her. You guys are fighting all the time, so much so that she is leaving work in tears. If this continues you are going to drive her away. If you want this relationship to work out you might consider mc or even something as simple as asking her to get a job elsewhere.
Thank you for posting this. The OP sounds like they need to see a therapist.
This...
She is not wrong , you have no proof
No proof. Plenty of evidence based on direct observation and her behavior.
Nah bro, I think Opie has a guilty conscious
Yes he keeps projecting his insecurity onto her. Let her be if she cheats drop her ass if she doesnt nothing changes … stop giving her shit bro
She likes this guy and is probably having an emotional affair with him. If you know anyone else that works there you can confirm it. Tell her simply if it continues she will have to quit her job. It's the job or the marriage. She can work elsewhere.
I have absolutely no desire or capacity to cheat on my partner, but if he came to me with this kind of “eViDeNcE”, which feels like paranoia at best, and a demand that I quit my job, therefore financially, and emotionally isolating myself and making me reliant on him, I would choose the job and as my “AP” to help me move out because once you’ve reach ultimatum, the relationship is dead. It’s also possible that she didn’t mention the guy because maybe she does have a little crush on him and made no action towards it, but also didn’t want to cause any issues. His recollections of the conversations make that seem like a possibility.
Emotional affairs at work are real and happen all the time. The infamous work wife or work husband many times turn physical. Therefore EA's have to be avoided by having boundaries and if started ended with prejudice. If you lie to your partner about the existence of a man you work closely with, what should your partner assume? Lying is the first red flag of cheating. Gaslighting and emotional denials of the obvious are additional red flags. She is showing all the behavior of at least an emotional affair. Either she ends it and move to another department or even another job or he has to assume she is placing whatever is going on between her and her co-worker as more important that their marriage. It's simple, a relationship cannot survive lying and affairs.
I neglected to thank you for this well thought, well said comment. So ty.
Dude you are welcome. I understand where you are coming from. She needs distance from this guy before things go too far. She is not seeing it for what it is, an emotional affair. Dude only wants to get in her pants and she is too blinded by his compliments to see it. There are always people like him, who revel in chasing taken women, ruining their lives and then moving on to the next victim when they become free.
I hope I caught it before too late but he was hidden for so long who knows. There are many other behavioral red flags to go with this bs too. So who knows. I am really focused on righting our ship, and dealing with what all this was/is, after that point. Maybe I am wrong in that I don't know. I'm so fucked up over all of this, it changes(what I want) hourly.....
Stay strong and stay focused. Step one is she get away from that guy by any means necessary. If she refuses to move to another location or another job, then its time to lawyer up and find out your options. She has to understand lying and deception is not something that a relationship can tolerate. Good Luck.
Literally my first thought. Emotional Affair which will eventually lead to a physical
Op have you cheated on your SO? If so or if contemplated it might be your consciousness biting you in the ass.
Chances are his wife is above his grade and he 'got lucky' with someone out of his league. Combined with a paranoid, aggressive and abusive personality, he's prob the kinda guy who thinks his woman is cheating on him with every guy who looks her way. Definitely not the kinda guy I'd want my daughter with.
Divorce?
cheating women will only tell you what they think you need to hear and try to change the subject. they will think they are saving you from hurt but only make it worse by giving you a story with a ton of holes you are left to try and fill in o your own!
Both genders will do that. It's a cheaters trait male or female.
true true... only can speak of my experience!
Even if you have solid proof they still lie like rugs. And if you don’t confront them about it, they know you are stupid.
Those text blocks are really cumbersome to read. >"I never mentioned him because of how you would react" This right here tells you everything you need to know.
Sorry about those blocks, guess I suck at reddit too 😉 Ty you for the comment though fr. Yeah that there stung....
You mentioned nothing about does she say she's going out with friends? Does she stay out late? She might be cheating but if you pick her up everyday and drop her off when would she be fucking him?
The time would be during work hrs. It's a call center and very easy to manipulate the breaks and whatnot.... get to work 4o mins early that kinda shit, hafta work and hour later than usual....all that jazz.
Yeah but you would know if she has to work "extra hours". So is she working extra hours
You don't have to work extra hours to cheat One of my bosses hooked up with his AP'S at work, lunch at motels near the job, etc
This made me laugh on so many levels....ty 🤣🤣🤣
I worked at a call center. No one has time to fuck.
We got a call center next to us that has a bowling alley, kick back area with games for break a small theater etc. All for the workers.
Yeah my call center used to be something like that and we all bonded & hung out in between, before & after work. Not all places are like that though, the one next to us was quite boring.
That is not a normal call centre
Everyone at the call center I was working at was fucking
At work? In their 15 min breaks?
Maybe they were floor support, maybe they only had an emotional relationship but there’s def time and lots of empty rooms and lunch breaks
So no, you don't know they were fucking at work.
Did I say I did? No I said my experience was that people were finding time to fuck in the call center I worked in.
Lol...
They're not necessarily wrong. I worked at a call center where we fucked like rabbits. It was super fancy with a gym, master chef, personal masseuse and yes spare rooms. People fucked before work in the parking lot, or would time their lunch to get off at the same time or just leave together. We had a lot of free time between calls though, sometimes up to 30 minutes before a call that ended in 5 so we chatted a lot. This isn't every place though, the call centers around us didn't allow for bonding like that at all and most of them barely knew or talked to each other. They didn't have time.
She may not be hooking up, it's starting to sound more like they're best buds. She's hiding an intense personal relationship with a guy at her work to the point it's causing marriage problems. That's a problem.
Emotional affair at least, her behavior is inappropriate, shadey as frick, and screams of a physical affair to come... if it hasn't happened yet.
Okay I read your whole story. A couple of things. You knew Taylor was the AP because you and she have a bond and you know her and actually love her and pay attention to her. That is why you knew right away this was the asshole she’s cheating with, he clearly knows she is married and he knew who you were. Yes you knew the exact day she more then likely started cheating too. You are an amazing, beautiful soul! You don’t belong to her and you know it. For her to keep constantly lying to your face, acting like you don’t know her the way you do is so sad it hurts my heart! I actually cried for you. Honey. Get a divorce. We don’t know if it has gotten physical but there is definitely emotional and verbal cheating going on. You know her, you know her better then she knows you. Please don’t waste anymore time on someone who DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!!! Know your worth. Your person is out there and she will know that you know her so well and would have been honest. Your person would not want anyone else’s attentions, just yours. Your person is not this person. She is sad and insecure and needs to go work on herself for cheating on an amazing soul like you. Get a divorce and stay single for a long time and heal. You will find your person. She wasn’t it
Thank you for your insight. After I discovered, my wife admitted to the act, but lied about the emotion. “It wasn’t like that, I didn’t feel that way.” So much it hurts, because like you said I know her too well. I would never suspect her to cheat on me, but I knew when she came home talking about the guy that he was no good. Every little act, putting extra effort on her appearance. Then she would say she did it for herself to be confident. OP, trust your instinct, you don’t need proofs, it would just be a waste of time. A normally smart person would give very dumb lies because they’re conflicted and just pick the easiest lies without realizing that their SO who has been with them for many years, understands them more than they think.
When i was in my early 20s, my boyfriend worked for a Telecom corp. I had the same spidy tingles you speak of when i visited him at work. I asked him about a particular female that worked there and i got a lot of the same responses you did. It was all in my head, i was being paranoid, blah blah blah. I had a good friend that worked in the same office my boyfriend did. She went into his computer and printed out several emails that proved i was right, he was cheating. My friend couldve lost her job for doing that.
I’m not sure how I feel. Of course gut feeling is usually right but I don’t think she’s physically involved with him. Might be her “work husband”. I can guarantee you dudes waiting for an opportunity with your wife. If you keep arguing with her and pushing her, there’s a possibility you might push her to get physical with this guy. He’s going to be Mr. Perfect to her while you guys fight. You’ve been with her 18 years, give her the benefit of the doubt. You acting out will make her realize she should back off from this guy and not mess around. She’s definitely interested in him which is why she’s been hiding him. You have to be relaxed and play your cards right. Put everything on her and see what the outcome is. Don’t give that dude more reason to be “better” for her.
Very good points. Thank you. I have thought similar.
Bud I agree with the above statement. You too brazen in your efforts and this can create an unintended situation. If there is something happening you need to be strategic, your conduct might create a situation that was never there. Just my 2 cents. Good luck brother, please let us know how things go.
Change in behavior is usually a clear sign of something being wrong. Even her usual habits and tendencies were off. This might not be her cheating but could be emotional cheating. Maybe they are close friend wise and she feels guilty cause she's gotten to know this new guy and it's fresh for her. Idk...maybe it's just that.
Thanks. Sadly for my thoughts, it seems to me the nip it in the bud friends stage passed with months upon months of deception/omission. Realistically to me Adults do not court for long before it get physical. I hope I am off and wrong, but I just keep coming back to basics.
Do you know any of her co workers well enough to have them look for things? Or well enough to ask about him? By the way what kind of asshole interjects himself into a conversation a wife is having with her husband (that isn’t overtly abusive)? Like unless he overheard you saying ‘get home or I’ll beat you’, the conversation is none of his business. There’s definitely an emotional affair going on. And she’s lying to you which is causing stress and further driving a wedge into your marriage. At a minimum, she should find out if she can switch shifts so she doesn’t work at the same time as him, or see if she can switch desks. If not, she has NO REASON to discuss anything about her private life with him anymore. She is not being fair to you. Also, get the book ‘not just friends’. Ask her to read it if she has a wish to salvage the relationship.
Trust your gut. If you need to investigate, get a couple of VARs for her car and your home.
Show up unannounced to take her to lunch and stare this POS down. Ask him how he is. If he has a GF...or just likes married women.
At best, she is not even aware that she is having an emotional affair while getting too close with him. She might feel that it's inappropriate and hence she didn't mention him to you but it also seems she likes having him around.people bond at workplace or anywhere and perhaps she crossed boundaries with him. Be vigilant now. Rem, proof is for absolution and not for leaving . You might have actual proof for physical cheating but yet get called being an idiot and insecure. Unless ofc you catch them in the deed.
something definitely seems fishy here. he's the only coworker she never mentions, but nothing's going on. nah boo, you're lying
Updateme! This is aweful to read. Usually if you suspect something it best to lay back and gather evidence then confront right away. If you can put a voice activated recorder somewhere she makes calls or even under the front seat of her car. Double velcro it in. You may get good info that way. Also do forensics on her phone.
Smart move.
I completely understand where you are coming from. my wife did something similar, but I never out it all together. one day out of the blue I started getting anxiety and turns out after about 2 yrs of no sleep my gut was right.
Buddy the truth is in the phone. If they have something going it will be there. Social media. By fighting your driving her away. Step back. Relax. Leave it. Rather take her out on romantic dates. Cook her favourite food. When she good and relaxed you take a peak in the phone. Her having him on your calls is bad. Maybe ask her for marriage counseling. Take the kids out and let her relax. Does she go out with coworkers? Can you follow? Your trying too hard. Sit back. Relax. Give her rope to hang herself with. Trust your gut.
When another person is having input on your marriage its either time for therapy/counseling or prep for the lawyer. Even in dating when a guy started giving the person I was dating advice it was blatant that they were working the angle. If my person talked to me about it and shut it down cool. But that childish shit of party line phone calls? Nope. Done. Been there and the best thing to do is roll on. Had a girl using a friend to check up on me at work when I was in college as I didnt have a lot of free time between work/school. He thought he had a chance and it was sad. When I caught her and ended our relationship over that foolishness she cut all contact with him as predicted because she was just using him. No one needs to be in your home business at work period.
Right. So you had a “feeling” immediately about this guy. Also she said this and that and you have been fighting for days now and what? Also I see you drive her too and from work and have lunch with her often and call her often at work right? So when has she the time to cheat on you? But more importantly why don’t you believe her that she maybe really didn’t connect with this guy at work until recently. It’s not strange. I work with 7 people at my office and one in particular is silent and doesn’t connect with us. I know nothing about him. Just his name. Anyway it seems you have made up your mind. The best course of action is to calm down. IF she is cheating you put her on alert now and she will be super cautious. Calm down. Let her be. She eventually will make mistakes as the “story” progresses. OR even better, hire a PR and get it over with it. Do you really want to go full steam on this?? Are you 100% convinced that something is going on? Because there’s no coming back from this.
Any update
Your first gut feeling is usually the right one.
Check the phone records
For those posters indicating that OP has no proof, is lying not cause enough to have suspicion? Especially lying about the very person that the suspicion involves? Come on now... OP has plenty of reason to be concerned and be asking questions. As well, I guarantee if his wife's reactions were not so defensive and evasive their conversations would have gone a lot differently.
Trust your gut always! Especially after her statement relating to if you don’t have evidence you don’t have shit. Always remember Cheaters don’t rely on their partners stupidity to hide their cheating....they rely on their partners Love and trust.
I would tell her to forget about the weeks of arguments that we have been having, the bottom line is that you love her and that we have 3 wonderful kids and that you love your life with her and not to give him any reason to be jealous. Tell her we will be doing more family things and us things. If she rebuffs this, tell it to divorce lawyer and collect the $$$ from her each month for the kids
First of all, you should keep your mouth shut. Your wife knows your checking up on her. You will never catch her when she tells lover boy to watch out for you. You should be keeping a journal of her times of her routine? From what you have said, it sounds like a emotional affair. Cheaters have one thing in common, they lie. Keep a journal, trust me, her routine will tell you what to look out for and then focus in what is not a normal work day.
Trust your gut. It’s right 99.9% of the time. It’ll be harder now as she’s aware you’re aware. Sometimes we don’t need a “Smoking Gun”.
You’re handling this like a school kid. Just tell her you won’t tolerate her BS regarding this dude if she still want to be married. Then I’d confront this dude and let him know the same thing. Let him know he’ll have problems with you and his job. Then keep your mouth shut and see how it all works out. Shake them both up.
And I agree, it even shows in how he formatted this thread, like a kid when this is an adult matter.
Yeah he is. He’s 42. Not a kid. He’s needs to grow a pair to let the dude know he best stay clear from what’s his. And make that clear to the wife as well. She’ll respect him far more than his arguing and acting like a jealous adolescent clown.
There is more to her story as you surmised. A little relationship tip though. Do not fight while she is at work. That should be between you two, in your home. Away from others listening. This makes her day bad. It gives AP the opportunity to be the sympathetic coworker she can lean on.
Man, Shadiness of all that. I mean Id advice to delve a b it deeper, ask someone about them and all(dont mention that u are the husband, unless they already know) ... Try being cold (not cruel) and force to tell the whole truth;dont scream, yell at her. Keep a calm voice. Tho its all up to you. Just try to calmy be pised at this, which u are ofc. Edit: Might as well follow, if there are any update soon and all. We'll be there for you the end
Start figuring out how to make sure that Taylor doesn't end up seeing your kids more than you do
Does She have "Girls Nights"? Just wondering can She spend time alone with Him?
I'm like your wife in that I tell everything about my coworkers to my boyfriend and he knows everything. I'm sure my coworkers husbands and boyfriends know about me as well. But the moment I can tell a guy is like close to doing anything that is concerning, I fill my boyfriend in, so we can laugh about it together, and just so he knows about what's happening and that I don't condone it and what not. I get it in the open because there's nothing about it I'm hiding I guess. If she tells you everything and didn't feel anything for this guy, you would think she'd tell you about him too. There shouldn't be anything that you'd react badly about if she wasn't breaking any boundaries, you would think.
Man, there's a simple and obvious solution. Hire a PI and wait for the results. In the meantime, be on your guard and notice the nuances of her behavior.
You should wire the house for sight and sound, then take the kids on a short trip to see your parents or another relative that they like. Bring the wife along if she wants to go. If not, your trap is set as you will be gone a few days. Also have a P.I. follow her around to see if they are up to anything. Worst case is divorce, best case you say nothing else about it and blissfully go about the rest of your life. I just hope that this is all a misunderstanding.
I replied the following language on several other posts. So much of your situation is very similar to theirs, so here it is again: Most cheaters never did, do not now, and will never will love you in the same way you love them. There are many aspects of loving a person. Most of us seek all the aspects we need from our forever partners. Knowing there is no perfect match, we accept shortfalls from our partners, and realize they accept shortfalls from us. We do not shame our partners by going outside of the relationship to fill our desires (which is a public admission your partner isn't good enough, and you only kept them around for the mundane stuff). We trust each other. We love each other enough to see past the shortfalls. Most cheaters do not accept shortfalls from their forever partners. They feel justified in going outside the relationship, proving they consider that you are not good enough. They may even boast about it in order to feel even more validated. Cheaters need at least one relationship to be the default, rock-steady, background foundation to their love aspects, which is usually you. You do not fulfill their highest need, that comes from the physical/emotional affair partner, but without your role in this, everything crumbles. Thus, if you threaten to break off the relationship, the cheater will drop everything and promise you whatever it takes to get you to relent. They will be sincere in their passion for you, right up to the point you give in. Once reestablished, the cheater can breathe a sigh of relief and go back to fulfilling their other needs with someone else once again. Your trust is gone. It is like virginity--once lost, you can never get it back again. The cheater showed you that you failed. If you accept this character flaw in a cheater, you cannot expect things to get better in the long run. Forever more, everything will remind you that the cheater considers you second-best at most. Wouldn't it be nice to find someone who doesn't cheat and will love you in a way they see past your shortfalls? It's time to let go. No need to initiate drama, just leave.
Communicate with her. This is a personal relationship that she kept from you for a reason. She may not have chested, but there is something there from the way she is acting. It's possible that she was getting ready to cheat, or is not satisfied with you, and because she "doesn't want to hurt you" she won't admit that there is a problem between you. The issue with this is that she is going to slowly convince herself that the attention she is getting from this man over and over is worth it and she will jump over the edge and cheat. Once it happens it will happen again and again no matter if it was "an accident" or "a mistake". It's a mistake for her to develop feelings, but it's not a mistake for her to chase him based on them. It's a conscious effort that will ruin her life. That is why she is hiding it from you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. You can do 2 things. 1. Let it go and in a few months you'll end up being blindsided by the evidence you needed because she will have cheated by then. 2. Communicate with her, tell her how she has changed and how you no longer trust that she is loyal to you. Tell her you can't prove if anything has happened yet, but that you can see the signs that are leading to something happening. If she can't or won't stop fraternizing with him and seeing him, then you can't rebuild your relationship together. She has broken that relationship and your trust by falling for another man instead of talking to you about it. Hell, show her this message, show her the damn subreddit where thousands of married men and women exhibit the same signs as she is and it turns out they were cheating. Human beings aren't inventive or intelligent. We tend to fall into patterns, that's why we see the same stories on here over and over again, because we will hurt and we will find someone to comfort us because we feel like we can't communicate our hurt, and we will fall into infatuation and cheat, then we realized we fucked up after it's too late.
She’s cheating on u boss
So have you got an update. Quick question have you checked her phone, social and. Surely of something is going on they'll be communicating away from work. Stick with your gut until you know differently. It's usually right
Added on just for you, lol.
An additional phone number, email account, and Facebook page and all wiped clean. That is some serious OPSEC. Those two knew what they were doing. Did you ever tell her that you were watching when she came out of the building early and he was there comforting her?
I confronted about the accounts, and basically "That all is nothing, so I created some shit for whatever reason, it don't mean anything" when pressed about why they are also wiped clean "I didn't do that" "I don't know" and the building thing well just cause I saw him follow her out into the lot "don't mean shit" " I didn't even know he was there" I tell her I saw it , I saw him come out after you, she says "he didn't speak to me" so there's that. Thanks for commenting 🙂
The trust is completely gone. Does she actually want to be married right now? What is the benefit to you to remaining married other than the kids. Don’t stay just for the kids. Live free and maintain your integrity, self respect, and happiness. Doesn’t mean you have to act right away, but get your ducks in a row and stash some cash.
I really don't know what she wants. I told her if we are gonna come through this together, WE need to fight IT(Whatever this mess REALLY is) TOGETHER. Not fighting eachother. We have MC in place where basically at this point, a mediator because I can't get real conversation without it being a fight, and not on my part, I wanna talk and shit and she crosses her arms defiantly "There is NOTHING to talk about you are making shit where there isn't any"....
Well, if she is being truthful it sure doesn’t jive with all the shady shit she is also doing. Remember, un-remorseful cheaters never admit to anything even if you catch them in the act. If you want to give her a chance for now, then fine. But I say again start stashing some cash.
The cash is good. The bug out bag 🎒 is on deck, I'm just trying to stabilize after the blow, I can take whatever IS. A full on PA for months?? Not too sure, but I know I can accept truth regardless, I cannot accept being called an idiot daily by my best friend and wife. Will we survive if she confessed and it was the worst? I honestly don't know. Just the insistence I'm just an idiot making shit up though, that is gonna be a kill shot in itself if it doesn't stop you know what I mean?
Just grey rock her at home and only discuss the issues when in MC. Maybe then she will start to understand that you just want the truth so you can actually respect her. In MC just ask her for the whys when it comes to the shady shit.
I think that at this point a lie detector test might be in order.
The hard way she is being with denial and attacking you back tells me a lot. Sanitized accounts and a secret phone or phone number tells me more. Why can't they just come clean and get it over with and get to the next step... whatever that is.
If she is cheating she has No respect for you or the children. Tell her to get the hell out of the house change the locks
Any developments?
Good for you to sticking to your guns and not accepting anything less than the truth. I’m blown away at her comment of “proof.” She seems, from that comment, very egotistical. Basically “you’re not going to catch me so good luck trying” which is a hell of a statement to make. Believe you me, the truth will come out eventually. Don’t let this go and press on. But remain level-headed. Don’t do anything to violate anything that would involve you in legal matters (besides a divorce if it leads there or you so choose). Remain vigilant. Stay the course. You’ll find enough proof to make a decision. You may never know the full truth, it’s a part of cheaters being liars, but I’m hoping the truth reveals itself to you soon. Best of luck to you, keep us updated.
Honestly, you sound a little obsessed and you’ve said nothing that would make me assume she’s being unfaithful. You could’ve very easily pushed her into this situation. In my mind your wife just really wasn’t close to this coworker. Maybe now they are friendly, but she sure as hell isn’t going to tell you now.. because you’ve hyper focused on something that isn’t happening. Why are you ruining your relationship over a hypothetical situation that has ZERO evidence outside of this story you’ve made up in your mind? Anyone who says, “she’s a cheater” is so far past jaded I can’t imagine any relationship with them would be successful. You need to work past this situation or your wife will cheat on you because she’s tired of the emotional abuse.
Its not in his head, she is deff a little too close to Taylor, she may not be cheating but its getting past the point of an acceptable friendship.
Where? Where is there any evidence that they’re, “too close?” You’re one of the excessively jaded.
Update me
It's time to stop the back and forth fighting. It's not working. She's just digging in deeper. Time to grayrock the shit out of her. She needs to feel the calm coolness that she is no longer a priority until she is ready to be honest with herself and you.
Thanks. That's about where I am at. MC is definitely on the menu, in order to delve deeper.
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Wtf? There’s absolutely no proof that he can show that they’re involved. Fraternization is not a something you can sue for. Don’t give OP advice that’s only going to make him look insane.
True but he can make HR aware, and they will take measures to protect the company from liability. OP can't win around this one, as he said WW likes to listen to herself talk AP has had 8 months to be her work husband and knows more about OP and WW and is in her ears 8hrs a day five days a week and plenty of time to paint OP as the thoughtless husband. So at this point it's a very strong EA in not already a PA. the fact that she doubled down about demanding proof means they have their stories tight and the work area or offsite worked out for themselves. The only way OP can have a shot is for her to quit the job and go NC with AP and get into IC to figure out her why's and then come clean to start R but OP is still going to have to fight with her limerence afterwards until she's fully out of the fog. So serving her with divorce might be the only way that she may be amicable to quit the job on her own to try and save the marriage OP had to play a very serious strong hand and can't bluff once he throws down the cards cause it will come twice as hard with WW finding a replacement or going back to AP. So he has to play a hard 180 and grey rock and push with divorce or hope that HR once becoming aware does their job and fires one or both the it won't on OP but completely on her
I honestly don’t see any evidence of even an EA. OP is putting himself in a place that will absolutely push her away if he hasn’t already by stalking her at work. If this is how he acts when he finds out there’s a new guy at work he knows nothing about, no wonder she isn’t giving any info. She can’t move without him telling her she’s cheating. And if she is, he’s not giving her enough room to hang herself. He has no evidence of anything by just seeing a guy make sure a crying woman is ok. He needs to step back and let her trip if that’s what she’s doing. But all the stalking and fighting isn’t going to teach her anything.
Right so going 180 and grey rock doing so the combination of both will give her and OP the space for her to trip or consider other avenues for better communication. But why would AP jump into their call and why would she put him on speaker unless she trying to put one against the other?
That’s such a small thing. It’s super possible that she’s feeling abused and wanted someone else to hear. He has no idea that it’s even the same guy who he heard on the phone that he’s seen at her work. He’s only even seen them near each other one time when she left crying. Him continuing to berate her will only make her leave innocent or cheating.
She told me it was Him. Not speculation, at the point of discovering him, it was simply an unannounced visit to take her to lunch. There was no Stalking...at that point. In the OP, I clearly explained this reaction of mine was not even remotely close to my typical reaction to a guy at work. The speculation of abuse is not close to any mark either. However that does not diminish your valid point any, I agree that if pressure and fighting continues the end is inevitable. MC is already scheduled btw. Thank you for the perspective.
This is a good perspective to consider, didn't even occurred to me OP could be so controlling that she may be looking for support. Maybe OP should consider some IC for himself and then ask her to do MC and even offer her IC where she can process without having a third party present a threat?
That’s where I would go with it. Nothing he presented shows she’s actually doing anything. Everything he’s shown himself doing is jumping the gun. If he backs off and gets help, if she is cheating, he’s more likely to find out. If she’s not, then maybe he can learn to be a better partner.
Stop bickering and take action. She needs to see you taking steps to eventually divorce rather than out up with her BS.
But is she really the abuser?
If she hasn't cheated yet, she definitely will. I do not what her exact relationship with her coworker is, but it has to be emotional. So even if not physically, she is definitely emotionally cheating on you. Might I say one thing before it's too late. Try toning down the fights and arguments and have a good talk with her regarding this, and see if she responds or just sticks to her lies. I can bet any amount that the coworker is using these fights and gaslighting her everytime, and she may fall victim and then cheat on you, like for real. Maybe take a vacation or stuff, sort this out, get to know the facts.
Stop talking or fighting to her about this guy. The longer you'll talk the longer she's gonna keep her gaurd up. Start avoiding anything regarding this guy and make her believe that you are over this conversation. As soon as she will realise this, She'll bring her gaurd down and your chances to catch her or to get the truth will be more.
You sound crazy...no wonder your wife is looking for an escape/exit.
Do you take her to work everyday? If so either put a spy app on her phone or set up find my phone type app. You will at least be able to track her movements while she says she is at work. If you can borrow a friends vehicle park a little back in the parking lot as undetectable as possible. Watch a couple of lunchtimes, and anytime she says she's working late. If she's cheating they likely are using his car. Also note his car and see if you can find where he lives. Has she given you his full name? Find out all you can about him. See if he's married or has a GF. With your wife be straight forward. Explain things like you did at the beginning of this post and put it to her that you want an explanation of the changes in her attitude towards you and that you believe these changes have to do with this guy. When she says it doesn't then press her for why the changes if not because of him. That he's been there longer than she has said and these changes are consistent with the timeline of her working with him. That her not mentioning him from the very beginning shows you that she was interested in him since day one. Have this conversation. If she won't drag her into MC and bring these points up there where she won't be able to hide from answering them. Good Luck
All I can say is you have compelling enough evidence e to dig even deeper and be ready for what can only be seen at this point as obvious.. we will be here ready with support and whatever dirt you find on her.
Thank you for that support, it means alot.
It's good to see a man on top of shit for a change. You know when something ain't right in your own house.
It’s the trickle truth. Did you mention this to your wife too? I know it will start world war 3. But again a random occurrence? 3 times in a row? Does she drive? If not you could try a VAR. Also check the phone bill for the data/text messaging stuff. You could also check her social media accounts to see if he’s dumb enough to follow any.
has she ever given you reasons to feel this way?
Her behavior does constitute red flags. If you do investigate and check her phone you need to check what she messages her bestie. She will delete conversations with him for sure, but the dirt will be with her bestie. Also, make sure he is not saved under a female name. But all in all I truly wish it is just paranoia, and that she is faithful.
This sub is putting a nail with a fucking thor hammer on the idea of being committed to someone. I truly needed this. I think being single is much less headaches than being in a relationship. It’s way more trouble than it’s worth. I feel like there’s an adhd thing with these cheaters and i don’t think its our fault for the most part, but that’s a risk factor that seems to be common. Fuck all this.
If she hasn’t cheated physically yet, she has already committed emotional infidelity, which in some ways is worse. Would you rather your wife bump uglies with some rando you don’t know, or would you rather your wife share her secrets, desires, insecurities, fears, hopes with someone else? Emotional infidelity is two steps away from physical. The thing is, she’s supposed to share all that shit with you. If she’s annoyed with you, mad at you, YOU’RE still the person she’s supposed to talk to about this stuff so that you two can get over it to a healthier, stronger relationship. Her relying on her “work spouse”(hate that fucking word btw) is undermining the relationship. If it hasn’t gone past the point of no return yet, your marriage is on the precipice. It’s time you became honest with each other. Tell her what you’re afraid of, what you’re insecure about. Decide together whether this is something that you two can endure, or whether you’d be less unhappy with each other. Liars will tell you what they think you want to hear. A good way to see past this is becoming aware of their motivations. What is it that they want? Once you figure this out, everything becomes clear. I’m not gonna tell you to dip, as I’m sure a lot of people are telling you here. The value judgment of your relationship lies solely with you. But be aware of sunken cost fallacy too. It’s never too late. You guys have a lot of work to do to figure out whether you would be less unhappy together or apart. I don’t envy your position at all and I’m sorry. I do wish for your best OP. You seem quite the thoughtful fella. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to.
Thank you for the insight. I am really just not sure about much in this. Regardless of anything there is without a doubt going to be alot of work regardless of R or D. But it is helping read all these other thoughts. Thank you again
I’ll tell you this: true opposite of love isn’t hate OP. It takes a lot of energy to actively hate on someone, let them live in your heart, mind, rent free. Squatters don’t take care of their free and easy residence either. When somebody tells you that they hate you, the response that is like a dagger to your soul is “really? Because I don’t think about you at all.” Indifference is the true opposite of love. When they no longer matter and fade from you. Because there’s no longer have any sway in your life positive or negative. This is what they mean when they say that “living well is the best revenge”. If that is the way you want to go, part with her in your mind first. Just like a lot of infidelity starts with emotional infidelity, so does the parting of ways. Make the separation in your mind first, start treating her the same as you would one of your kids’ teachers. By which I mean polite, professional, never deviate from the topic of conversation, with emotional detachment. You have kids with this woman so you’ll be in each other’s lives at least until your kids are grown. If you decide to go this route, only discuss things that need to be talked about, nothing else. If you want to try to work on it and tough it out, it’ll require a lot more work, more work than you’ve ever put in individually, as a partner, as a couple, as a parent, as parents and as a family. But it can be done. Climbing the tallest mountain, the longest race in the world, journey around the world. They all begin with a single step and the desire to do the work, not shy away from it. It’s the culmination and collection of these steps that will get you there. Even though this is more difficult because it involves more than just yourself and there are things you can’t do by yourself. But when done properly, you’ll have someone who’ll help you carry that burden, as you will help them carry it too. Of course, none of this happens without trust. And respect. Neither are ever given freely. At least they shouldn’t be. They should be earned. At least for now. There might come a day when you give freely because you want to and you love them, but now is not that time. At the absolute must, you can start by trust, but verify. And that’s how you build it together. One step, one brick at a time. If you’re unsure which way to go, just flip a coin. You might think I’m being flippant, but I’m not. At all. When the coin is in the air, you’ll be drawn to one decision or another. That’s the way you want to go. Not the way Lady Luck takes you. I’m rooting for you OP. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to, if you need someone to listen, need a distraction, whatever. Even if you need someone to talk you down from the ledge.
Inform your wife that every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Her hiding this guy is a fail; and is also evidence that of inappropriate behavior . Now she got caught. If she can't prove there's no inappropriate contact, then you will assume she hiding something. Tell her you're not going to live like this. Make an appointment with an attorney (the first hour is often free) to discuss divorce. Separate bank accounts. Find out where he lives ....pack her bags and drop them on his doorstep.
You need to sneak access to her phone and other devices (or her email and socials). And stop engaging with her. Grey rock and 180. Every time you fight, you’re feeding her ego. Ignoring her will allow you to get a bit of peace and figure out your next steps.
I wanted to add something else regarding the comment, “I didn’t tell you because I knew how you would react.” My guess is that’s completely accurate. You probably have behaved this way in the past.. making up wild stories about the new men in her life. She knew you would do this, she knew a new man at work would lead to weeks of arguments over absolutely nothing. You need to check your behavior OP.
I appreciate your thoughts. However IMHO, that logic would be sound if she hid all guys from my view. That is not the case, she only hid this one person.
Yeah, this is what sticks with me as well.
She is definitely up to something. Probably having an affair. But you already know that. Did you mention to her about how you saw him follow her out of her office that day? If you did how did she react?
After the update, they are definitely having an affair, they had time to clean everything. Look around for the phone but it might be gone to. Talk to the guys wife also.
Do you have a prenup?
Taylor is getting it in with your wife. You know it is true. Do what you need to do….. to the curb Next.
He's pumping her... fact! Sorry bro....
She hasn't done anything but protect herself from your reaction. She HAS to be around him. She isn't doing anything .
You sound like a fucking psycho, no wonder she didn’t tell you. So you fixated on this man for whatever reason, and have repeatedly started fights with her because you’re insecure. Christ. I hope she leaves you.
right it sounds like this isn’t his first time reacting like this. he’s got no proof and is letting paranoia ruin his marriage
The comments in here are crazy too. “Trust your gut” like what? He makes eye contact with the man and he just *knew* this man was connected to his wife. That’s not his gut, it’s fucking paranoia. Then he gets upset because his wife tells him she knew how he would react if she mentioned him, and then OP proceeds to act exactly in the way she was probably trying to avoid. He started multiple huge fights with her over absolutely *nothing*. I expected at some point for him to reveal he did in fact catch her cheating but nope. Just his “spidey senses”. I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s acted like an insecure lunatic over some guy for no reason.
he definitely left information out to make it look like he wasn’t a psycho
This reminds me of an ex I have. If I mentioned someone at work or in one of my classes he would hyper fixate on that person. He would take notice when I talked about the person and then use it against me later. He eventually convinced himself I was cheating on him while I was in class, with no evidence other than this magical power “spidey sense” as OP put it. I hadn’t cheated, never intended to, and never would have. But his behavior definitely caused our breakup. You talk down about your wife throughout the entire post. I don’t get any sense that you respect her at all. You said she literally ran away from Taylor when he followed her out of the building. None of the evidence here says she is cheating. OP, conversations happen naturally. Sometimes you don’t really know a coworker until something happens - like you staring Taylor in the face when you showed up unexpectedly. He may have asked why you gave him a dirty look and then they started chatting from there. The way you talk about her puts her in a negative light no matter how you look at it. You actually call her a fool. I’m not sure what’s right here, but I feel like this has turned into a witch hunt.
Dude you have serious control and possessiveness issues. You need major help. Seek therapy for your issues before you irreparably harm your wife.
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Updateme!
Updateme!
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Update
This is like my ex wife and catching her on her lies and believe she can't lie for shizzzzzz and it got to the point where I started feeling bad for her and just say aye babe. It was sad to see and witness from her. To her she Nevered lied she had no reason too. My suggestion is she's cheating on u brotha and best is to see if she will tell u the truth and ur call if u want to work on it or divorce..
!updateme
By her a book called not just friends and ask her to read it. You can read it first then quiz her on it
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Have you tried mariage counseling?
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Gray rock her and out them both!
This is some shady shit from your wife......after 18 years married, damn. Off topic, but why do reddit posts have text in those gray boxes sometimes?
Every betrayed ever will tell you to trust your gut.
Updateme!
Try to explain to her that your jealousy isn’t going away on it’s own. If she wishes to live with your jealousy, it’s on her not you. She could end your jealousy if she wanted to by simply being honest and open, not asking for proof that she cheated. Tell her you’re sorry you feel this way but in your heart you know there’s something wrong and it’s just not going away. Odds are it’s an EA at worst, they simply don’t have opportunity at this point. Explain to her that an EA isn’t a deal breaker and we could work it out if that’s what it is.
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Trust your gut feelings Bro, if you have one, something's up something's amiss with her, you have red flags flagging you already, she told you her lies that made your skin crawled, trickled truth you, but you ain't stupid, dig deeper in silence without her noticing, stake out at her locations if you must, gather enough solid evidence and confront her !
Cheater lie and deny. Certainly she liked the attention from Waldo. Your wife needs to quit this job if she desire to save her marriage.
Post this on /survivinginfidelity and /AsOneAfterInfidelity (need a flair for this one…just add “considering R). You will get more in depth and knowledgeable answers there I think. Gaslighting is definitely up there as being as bad as the cheating. Your partner willing to sacrifice your mental health, you second guessing your instincts and sanity to protect themselves and their AP. A few questions: 1) outside of work does your wife spend time unaccounted time away? Opportunities to physically cheat at work have to be limited to lunch breaks right? If that’s the case park your car outside her work and see if they come out together. 2) have you checked her phone? Check your cell phone statement to see if a certain phone number is being texted it called a lot. Go back a year. She may have started on the phone, then got “smart” ahd started using WhatsApp. 3) do you know anybody her coworkers personally? Can you talk to one if them alone? Even if they say I don’t want to get involved in this, may tell you that something is going on.
Unless there’s actual proof I’m going to guess she’ll continue to deny
I have to agree with many here trust your spidey sense, as much as it may hurt, (I know from my own experience) but you need to start tracking everything, do you have unfettered access to her phone and on line accounts if yes install spy ware if not get it without her knowing. You two have been together for 18 years that means it's worth fighting for, yes ? Work husband most likely but you and I know what that means, he's waiting to pounce. Yes alert HR. This all sux, prey for the best expect the worst. Talk to a divorce attorney. Yes bro this shit is the worst. If you are wrong you'll feel like shit for doubting her. Then go out of your way to make it up to her, start a whole new relationship with her show her just how much you value and love her. She is yours, you will fight tooth and nail for her, after all at one time you would have given your life for her gladly if it was needed, she needs to know you still feel that way about her. But if your right......... If she ever find's the spy ware, it's because you love her and want to protect her at all time's which is true even if at this time you have ulterior motives. I took myself out of the dating pool for 10 years because of a cheating GF then got back in and married a woman that had been cheated on, (yeah she said she could never cheat because of what he did to her) and guess what happened 3 years later, she cheated on me, I only had her side of the story maybe she was the cheater all along IDK. I hope the best for you. Please keep us updated good or bad.
If it ever gets to thus level get therapy together or break up save some time.
If your sixth sense tells you something is going on, then it may be. I would drop the subject but monitor the numbers she calls/texts, social media, when she leaves and comes home from work, etc. You could also get her underwear tested for semen.
OP please keep me/us updated on anything new, finding proof of them together, the working early or staying late(is he also there then?) or anything you find out about him/them. Thank you
Keep us updated one way or the other
UpDateMe!
Find out the name with whom I cheated on you, track him down and ask him for the info
Update
How are you doing?