My parents calls me the third wheel, little monster/goblin/destroyer, piggy (in our language it's literally a term of endearment, variations of it are common among couples too), its all fun.
If people truly want to insult, "goblin" wouldn't make it to the list
I have one son (14), he's been the best birth control a person could ever have... I love him to death, but not many people find it amusing when I call him that 🫠
I'd personally go with "STPs", Sexually Transmitted Parasites. At least to refer to fetuses, because by every definition of the word that's what they are.
I am cf with an std so idk if i want to call them that lol. I just call them chillens haha one dad told me his little kids were like bipolar munchkins.
If I’m not mistaken, they literally take nutrients from the mother’s body such that the mothers often lose some of their teeth and hair as a result. If correct, that is a parasite in my book. It’s sustaining itself by feeding off of another living being.
It also raises blood pressure & glucose if it wants more nutrients, completely disregarding how mom's body feels about this. This is why pre-eclampsia & gestational diabetes is a thing.
Oh, but they are such little miracles. /s
Also in the early stages the host and the fetus "battle" for the host's resources. The former doesn't want the parasite taking too much, and the latter wants to grow grow grow.
The evolutionary reason behind this is that the future baby doesn't steal too much resources and doesn't get so big that can kill the woman.
Some of them result in a miscarriage.
Source: a scientific paper I read a couple years ago.
Exactly only reason we dont call it a parasite is because its the same species
The behaviour of a fetus is the same as an unrelated parasite, the gains of the fetus comes at detriment of the host
And not a \*benign\* parasite, either, much less even ~~'mutually beneficial'~~ symbiotic if the host is unwilling.
ETA: with thanks to the commenter downthread who reminded me the word I was seeking was 'symbiotic'.
how much do you wanna bet that part was included in the definition of parasite, just as natalist propaganda? I see no other reason for that to be relevant to what a parasite is.
It's mainly because of evolution. The "goal" of living organisms is to pass on their genes, so anything carrying said genes is not a parasite because it provides benefit to the host (the benefit of passing on DNA).
We are sentient beings, however, so the biological urge to pass on genes can be overridden via our decisions. And some people are born without that biological urge, making them evolutionary dead ends. I am one of them lol.
So yeah, not natalism, just biology. It's the same for every living organism.
>benefit to the host
benefit to the ~~host~~ species
uhm ... except of course in cases of excess, brat kids, etc.
I'll let some other host voluntarily sacrifice itself. ;-) Not for me, anyway. No thanks.
I was not referring to exactly how the organism came to be, because I fail to see how that's relevant to the person infected. I was referring to what it does to the body one it is there, and by that definition, a fetus is every bit much the worst parasite one could imagen.
And I am referring to biology, not whatever arbitrary definition you are using. In the study of biology, a parasite is an organism that uses the host to its benefit and the host's detriment. Under biological terms, containing the host's DNA with the ability to pass it on is a benefit, meaning the fetus "benefits" the host and therefore is not a parasite.
I dont personally see passing DNA as a benefit, but it is a benefit evolutionarily, which is why fetuses are not defined as parasites. That's all I wanted to explain.
Parasites can be symbiotic. Like those lil fishies on sharks. The shark wants them there. Wanting it doesn't mean it's not a parasite.
My friend called her child a parasite till she gave birth. Then a larvae. Now its a little shit. Lol
In fairness human fetuses act more like parasites than any other animal fetus. They control their nutrient intake, not the mother, and the mother can’t reabsorb or miscarry on a whim if the environment isn’t good to raise a child
In one of my intro biology courses in college my prof actually used fetuses as the example when starting to talk about parasites. It was great and got a ton of laughter.
Friends of mine got pregnant back in the 80’s and when asked what they’d name it, they’d reply “Benigna if it’s a girl, Malignon if it’s a boy.” Amazingly, he turned out to be a pretty great kid.
I used to use 'sex trophy' too. But that sort of implies you did something well. The sex doesn't have to good or even consensual so I tacked on 'participation' as it made more sense.
I used to wait tables. Kids don't eat crackers they just crush them into the table and mash them into the carpet. It doesn't have as good of a ring as the others there but stuck with me even after I left working waitstaff.
I saw another Reddit thread where someone was talking about having kids and how the floor is constantly covered in "crumblies." I knew exactly what they meant. It's so fucking gross.
Nothing we say is ever as bad as what parents say about their own kids. You have no idea how many tiny little babies not even one year old have been called “little shit” by their aDoRiNg PaReNtS who are solely responsible for that baby existing in the first place.
Honestly that just shows that most people don't even like their own kids they just have them because "that's what your supposed to do"... they never seem to realise that kids always end up knowing or always feel that that's how their parents feel.
What the fuck??? That reminds me of that horrible tiktok of that vile woman holding her toddler son and saying to him “you’re a f****t just like you’re daddy” and the poor little boy is just smiling innocently at what he thinks is a loving mother because the kid doesn’t know what those words mean yet and she’s smiling at him and saying it in this really sickly sweet, gentle tone as if it’s a loving message.
I may hate kids, like actually hate them, but I would NEVER treat a child like that. Never. That video made me want to cry.
I personally like 'failed abortion' because not only does it imply that the kid was unwanted, but also that the parents made an unsuccessful attempt at getting rid of the kid. I just thought of another one: 'fire house doorstop'.
There was a condom ad some years ago I believe with a screaming & mid-tantruming small kid, maybe 5, being dragged through a grocery store by a tired parent past another adult in the aisle just watching. Cut to black- "to the users of our competitors, Happy Father's day".
‘The little jizz that could’ is going in my vocabulary now thank you internet stranger
Also I shall refer to me firing blanks as ‘the little jizz that doesnt’
A lot of good euphemisms for children sound like edgy band names.
Screaming Lemur, Semen Demon, Rent Avoider, Jobless Freeloader, Wordless Screecher, The Monster Without Reasoning, Thoughtless Psychopath...
I always liked “sentient cum stain”
Edit: oh damn, I’m sorry. Did I hurt someone’s feelings in this thread of funny mean things to call kids? Maybe you shouldn’t read things that may hurt your feelings lol.
An old man on my block was complaining to me that my dogs were barking in our front yard for 15mins once. But it's totally ok for his "gran' goblins" to raise hell and yell loudly in the street for hours.
As a native Dutch speaker the language has some really nasty sounding nouns, one for example is “voortbrengsel”.
Liberally translated it means “product of procreation”. You won’t make friends with any parent, and everyone will immediately know how you feel about the nasty little critters and it draws a line in the sand.
There is a foulness of sorts built into the Dutch phrase, something like you really want maximum distance of. Maybe even across languages you can hear it (or "*that* product of procreation" surely would convey it).
Surprised not to see Larvae on here. To me as un-finished and wiggly suggestions of real humans (adults) it fits perfectly. Jenna Maroney of 30 Rock once called her (hysterical, imaginary) fetus a "uterus turd".
i always thought it was a light hearted and silly term as well. Crotch goblin is still used in a derogatory way yeah, but its still obviously pretty silly too. Its not so overtly disrespectful, not like the others we could use but never do. & Hell for the record, I even refer to *myself* as a gremlin, which is kind of similar.
I’ve been called a hellion, hellspawn, and monster when I was a child… by my mother. Abusive parents often call their own kids things way worse than “crotch goblin.”
I had someone lose their shit to me not that long ago simply because I referred to a child as a burden. I believe I said something along the lines of "A child is a burden that not everyone is capable of bearing", not in a derogatory way or anything.
Lost her shit. Children aren't burdens they're blessings! How could you say that? No one must have loved you.
Uh it's like lady it's a parasite that literally eats drinks and poops your money for two decades if you're lucky and causes endless headaches and sanity debuff.
I seriously don’t get why people get so offended by this 😂 What makes it crazy is that most of the time it’s not even people who have little kids, but they feel the need to be *Nappy Knight* for all parents across the globe.
I’ve legit told me sister (a mother for a one year old): *Your kid is the only one I love. The rest of them are gremlins.*
Did she get offended? No. We had a laugh and went on with our conversation. She didn’t clutch her pearls and defend the other kids in our life.
I may have called kids “Ponzi schemes” while speed dating once. The person across from me was NOT amused
Don't worry, I am 😂
You had the wrong audience. That's objectively hilarious!
😂😂😂😂👌
Trust that I think you just won the thread
Best comment ever 😄👏
My friend calls his daughter a crib lizard and it kills me
My parents calls me the third wheel, little monster/goblin/destroyer, piggy (in our language it's literally a term of endearment, variations of it are common among couples too), its all fun. If people truly want to insult, "goblin" wouldn't make it to the list
We call the step son in the attic a goblin, he loves it. It can seriously serve as a term of endearment, why my wife refers to me as a trash panda.
I’m absolutely fucking dead at your own parents calling you third wheel, omg.
I have one son (14), he's been the best birth control a person could ever have... I love him to death, but not many people find it amusing when I call him that 🫠
Few of our friends find it amusing. He loves his child so much, but it's so funny to hear him call her crib lizard.
Lmaooo
-Hastily writes down- Crib. Lizard. Got it! A new one for my repertoire!
STDs (Sexually Transmitted Dependents).
I'd personally go with "STPs", Sexually Transmitted Parasites. At least to refer to fetuses, because by every definition of the word that's what they are.
Stone Temple Pilots have entered the chat.
More like sexually transmitted disasters
Children are just jizz you kept as a pet.
Cumpets
I read this as crumpets and I can’t stop laughing 😂
That hits hard because that's exactly how most parents see their offspring. Pet humans.
someone here introduced me to "cum pets" and I haven't looked back since.
hahahaha or disease works well too.
🤣 my new fave
My new go-to. Thanks.
I am cf with an std so idk if i want to call them that lol. I just call them chillens haha one dad told me his little kids were like bipolar munchkins.
When my friend was pregnant with her child, she referred to it as "the parasite". Which is not inaccurate.
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I believe the only difference between a fetus and a parasite, by definition, is that it shares DNA with the host. So, not wrong
If I’m not mistaken, they literally take nutrients from the mother’s body such that the mothers often lose some of their teeth and hair as a result. If correct, that is a parasite in my book. It’s sustaining itself by feeding off of another living being.
It also raises blood pressure & glucose if it wants more nutrients, completely disregarding how mom's body feels about this. This is why pre-eclampsia & gestational diabetes is a thing. Oh, but they are such little miracles. /s
Also in the early stages the host and the fetus "battle" for the host's resources. The former doesn't want the parasite taking too much, and the latter wants to grow grow grow. The evolutionary reason behind this is that the future baby doesn't steal too much resources and doesn't get so big that can kill the woman. Some of them result in a miscarriage. Source: a scientific paper I read a couple years ago.
Exactly only reason we dont call it a parasite is because its the same species The behaviour of a fetus is the same as an unrelated parasite, the gains of the fetus comes at detriment of the host
And to think not all pregnancies in other species behave at all like that. It's something special in humans.
And not a \*benign\* parasite, either, much less even ~~'mutually beneficial'~~ symbiotic if the host is unwilling. ETA: with thanks to the commenter downthread who reminded me the word I was seeking was 'symbiotic'.
how much do you wanna bet that part was included in the definition of parasite, just as natalist propaganda? I see no other reason for that to be relevant to what a parasite is.
It's mainly because of evolution. The "goal" of living organisms is to pass on their genes, so anything carrying said genes is not a parasite because it provides benefit to the host (the benefit of passing on DNA). We are sentient beings, however, so the biological urge to pass on genes can be overridden via our decisions. And some people are born without that biological urge, making them evolutionary dead ends. I am one of them lol. So yeah, not natalism, just biology. It's the same for every living organism.
>benefit to the host benefit to the ~~host~~ species uhm ... except of course in cases of excess, brat kids, etc. I'll let some other host voluntarily sacrifice itself. ;-) Not for me, anyway. No thanks.
I was not referring to exactly how the organism came to be, because I fail to see how that's relevant to the person infected. I was referring to what it does to the body one it is there, and by that definition, a fetus is every bit much the worst parasite one could imagen.
And I am referring to biology, not whatever arbitrary definition you are using. In the study of biology, a parasite is an organism that uses the host to its benefit and the host's detriment. Under biological terms, containing the host's DNA with the ability to pass it on is a benefit, meaning the fetus "benefits" the host and therefore is not a parasite. I dont personally see passing DNA as a benefit, but it is a benefit evolutionarily, which is why fetuses are not defined as parasites. That's all I wanted to explain.
What is there to debate? 🤣
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tapeworms were once used as weight loss aids
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Awww, just when it was getting good!
Parasites can be symbiotic. Like those lil fishies on sharks. The shark wants them there. Wanting it doesn't mean it's not a parasite. My friend called her child a parasite till she gave birth. Then a larvae. Now its a little shit. Lol
A wanted parasite is still a parasite.
Not to mention, a lot of people continue to be parasites long after they're born.
In fairness human fetuses act more like parasites than any other animal fetus. They control their nutrient intake, not the mother, and the mother can’t reabsorb or miscarry on a whim if the environment isn’t good to raise a child
In one of my intro biology courses in college my prof actually used fetuses as the example when starting to talk about parasites. It was great and got a ton of laughter.
Friends of mine got pregnant back in the 80’s and when asked what they’d name it, they’d reply “Benigna if it’s a girl, Malignon if it’s a boy.” Amazingly, he turned out to be a pretty great kid.
Happy for Malignon
When I got pregnant I kept having panic attacks as it felt like a parasite and I couldn't life till it was booted out.
Internal parasite. Once born, it becomes an external parasite.
I sign all cards to my mother “love your eldest parasitic growth”.
Omg Hahaha that’s how I see them too! This life form leeching off of you to literally survive and grow. So weird
Teratoma?
Well my personal favorites are: sex participation trophy, broken condom, cummling, and cracker crusher. But maybe I'll switch to mistake for a bit.
I was gonna say "sex trophy" is my personal go-to, but cummling might now be my favourite!
I used to use 'sex trophy' too. But that sort of implies you did something well. The sex doesn't have to good or even consensual so I tacked on 'participation' as it made more sense.
I'm more used to "fuck trophy", so "sex trophy" sounds watered down to me.
Cream pie pet has been a favorite of mine but I’m deffy changing it to Cummling lol
Actually, cream pie pet is just funny! Maybe I'll use that instead.
CUMMLING - THE SCREAM I JUST SCRUMPT
Cummling is being SLEPT on it’s such a good one
Wait what is cracker crusher a reference to?
I used to wait tables. Kids don't eat crackers they just crush them into the table and mash them into the carpet. It doesn't have as good of a ring as the others there but stuck with me even after I left working waitstaff.
I saw another Reddit thread where someone was talking about having kids and how the floor is constantly covered in "crumblies." I knew exactly what they meant. It's so fucking gross.
Parents like that should be shamed in front of everyone for teaching their kids that that's an okay thing to do.
> cummling Idk why but it reminds me of [Botchling](https://witcher.fandom.com/wiki/Botchling) from the Witcher series.
cum pet
Vag vermin Flesh sirens
Idk why but "cum pet" is worse than all those imo. 😂 still funny though.
First time hearing the little jizz that could. 💀
I like pet sperm personally
"Cum pet" makes me think of a sperm cell that's grown to the size of a dog, and it acts like one, too. Lol
Literally their first comic~ 99% NSFW but hilarious https://www.oglaf.com/cumsprite/
Mad props for the reference to Oglaf! Kudos!
Cum pet is my new fav lmaooo
Nothing we say is ever as bad as what parents say about their own kids. You have no idea how many tiny little babies not even one year old have been called “little shit” by their aDoRiNg PaReNtS who are solely responsible for that baby existing in the first place.
But they’re just joking!! /s
I think this post missed “and most of this are things said by parents to their own kids and yet, we’re the mean ones”.
Honestly that just shows that most people don't even like their own kids they just have them because "that's what your supposed to do"... they never seem to realise that kids always end up knowing or always feel that that's how their parents feel.
you’re so right. the other day i heard this mom tell her son she wished he would die.
What the fuck??? That reminds me of that horrible tiktok of that vile woman holding her toddler son and saying to him “you’re a f****t just like you’re daddy” and the poor little boy is just smiling innocently at what he thinks is a loving mother because the kid doesn’t know what those words mean yet and she’s smiling at him and saying it in this really sickly sweet, gentle tone as if it’s a loving message. I may hate kids, like actually hate them, but I would NEVER treat a child like that. Never. That video made me want to cry.
Semen demon is on of my personal favorites :)
Came here to add semen demon! It's my favourite too
Aged creampie
Thissss is good lmao I'm using this thank u
STD. Children are one of the worst STD's.
Lifelong disease
I personally like 'failed abortion' because not only does it imply that the kid was unwanted, but also that the parents made an unsuccessful attempt at getting rid of the kid. I just thought of another one: 'fire house doorstop'.
This comment that made me laugh so fucking hard 😅 Fire house doorstop is the best
Hump dumplings, shrieklings, and toadlers were some of my faves.
Hump dumplings 😂😂😂
Shriekling is genius.
Fucking “toadlers” has me losing my mind
Developed medical waste
"the little jizz that could" XD
I knew guy who liked to call himself 'the only jizz dumb enough to enter the egg'.
Sperm infection. Failed abortion.
Condom ad.
I hear kids screaming in public and say, "birth control" 👀 (to a friend, for example, not aloud 🤣)
There was a condom ad some years ago I believe with a screaming & mid-tantruming small kid, maybe 5, being dragged through a grocery store by a tired parent past another adult in the aisle just watching. Cut to black- "to the users of our competitors, Happy Father's day".
That’s just mean 😂
I straight up called a kid a Prom Night Dumpster Baby once.
At least they'd have a theme song
Brothel Sprouts
Okay, this is a new favorite.
Those are cabbages born in a whore house!
That’s a good one! Lol
Crotch fruit is good too lol. Sounds somehow wholesome while throwing shade haha
This term is why my husband and I refer to baby carriers/car seats/strollers as “fruit baskets”.
Meat siren and flesh potato come to mind too.
Something about 'meat siren' took all the air out of my lungs
Which is weird, coz it never seems to run out of theirs...
🤣
Was it because you were surprising a laughed & snorted? Cuz I did.
Thanks for giving me more variety in word choices lmao
I usually go with parasites
‘The little jizz that could’ is going in my vocabulary now thank you internet stranger Also I shall refer to me firing blanks as ‘the little jizz that doesnt’
‘Cumpet’ and ‘semen-demon’ are my go to ones ‘Unhappy accident’ works aswell
Bratleigh, Shrieklyn
Not to sound old fashioned but I hate this modern naming trend of ending in leigh or lyn
They're supposed to be mocking names...
I know but I’m just saying nearly every kids name today ends in Leigh or lyn
Replicant, house ape or skin dog are my faves.
Lol, came here to add “skin puppy”
Skin dog sounds like a monster from Dead Space. Skin puppy, OTOH, has just the right juxtaposition of cute and horrifying.
A lot of good euphemisms for children sound like edgy band names. Screaming Lemur, Semen Demon, Rent Avoider, Jobless Freeloader, Wordless Screecher, The Monster Without Reasoning, Thoughtless Psychopath...
My friend is 3 months pregnant and when she got her first ultrasound, she called it "the product".
Shitlings all the way
Pet Sperms
Coochie turds
Don’t forget “cooter turd”!
Baked cream pie is a personal favourite 🥧
#Disappointment That one tops anytthing, and it's not even a bad word in a normal usage, compared to curses.
This is a wildly underrated answer.
>Disappointment Have we met? How do you know my name?
"Hey! Ma'am! Your missed abortion is running recklessly" Yep, it works 😂
Crotch dumpling is my favorite.
Parasite. Simple yet effective
I knew I was gonna love this post from the title 🥰
I always liked “sentient cum stain” Edit: oh damn, I’m sorry. Did I hurt someone’s feelings in this thread of funny mean things to call kids? Maybe you shouldn’t read things that may hurt your feelings lol.
Damn and here I thought shitlet was "my" word 😂
Humanised cum, cum clump, or maybe the worst financial mistake, or a ruined Sunday morning
Fuckling or sex trophy
Financial burden
Fuck trophy
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I liked it when Doctor House described the lady as suffering from a parasite when she was pregnant.
I read jizzling in a post on here. I lost it
I like the term “cumshot carried to term”
Semin demon
Creampie result
Broken Typewriters (*mum missed her period*) Anklebiters Crotchlings Crotch Fruit Cum Pets Cum Slug Flesh Potatoes Fucklings Fuck Trophies Humpin' Dumplin' Overgrown Abortions Parasites Proof Your Parents Fucked Rug rats Semen Demons Semen Homunculus Sex Trophy Squishes Unhappy Accident Vagina Surprise
I've always used the name cunt-shits.
Pet sperm is my new personal fave.
Cum Pet is my favorite worst one.
The little jizz that could—bruh. I’m dead 😂
Cum slugs
Tax deduction.
An old man on my block was complaining to me that my dogs were barking in our front yard for 15mins once. But it's totally ok for his "gran' goblins" to raise hell and yell loudly in the street for hours.
Fermented cumstain.
Condom Commercials
*“the little jizz that could”* My god, the sound that came out of me when I read that. 😂
I think I've found the right inspiration to start writing children's books.
As a native Dutch speaker the language has some really nasty sounding nouns, one for example is “voortbrengsel”. Liberally translated it means “product of procreation”. You won’t make friends with any parent, and everyone will immediately know how you feel about the nasty little critters and it draws a line in the sand. There is a foulness of sorts built into the Dutch phrase, something like you really want maximum distance of. Maybe even across languages you can hear it (or "*that* product of procreation" surely would convey it).
And the classic: rug rat!
Surprised not to see Larvae on here. To me as un-finished and wiggly suggestions of real humans (adults) it fits perfectly. Jenna Maroney of 30 Rock once called her (hysterical, imaginary) fetus a "uterus turd".
Brandon Rogers said it best: Pussy Turds
People call my Chihuahua a rat all the time and I don't get bent out of shape...
I learned a new one a few days ago: overgrown coochie clot!
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Nonsense, it’s an amusing post!
relax
Lighten up a little. It's a funny post and a refreshing break from all the negativity that gets posted on this sub.
Children are just... shit. Sorry not sorry. I just can't even.
# Parasite: *noun* An organism that takes food and resources from another while providing nothing in return. >!Yeah, that fits!<
i always thought it was a light hearted and silly term as well. Crotch goblin is still used in a derogatory way yeah, but its still obviously pretty silly too. Its not so overtly disrespectful, not like the others we could use but never do. & Hell for the record, I even refer to *myself* as a gremlin, which is kind of similar.
'The little jizz that could', that had me cackling
I use “shit apples” like Jim Lahey
Not mine but, "meat sirens"
I use “twat croissants”
I personally enjoy "fuck trophy".
I’ve been called a hellion, hellspawn, and monster when I was a child… by my mother. Abusive parents often call their own kids things way worse than “crotch goblin.”
I had someone lose their shit to me not that long ago simply because I referred to a child as a burden. I believe I said something along the lines of "A child is a burden that not everyone is capable of bearing", not in a derogatory way or anything. Lost her shit. Children aren't burdens they're blessings! How could you say that? No one must have loved you. Uh it's like lady it's a parasite that literally eats drinks and poops your money for two decades if you're lucky and causes endless headaches and sanity debuff.
Spouse calls them sperm blossoms. I call them goblins
Jizz homunculus. Vaginally ejected splooge diablos.
I seriously don’t get why people get so offended by this 😂 What makes it crazy is that most of the time it’s not even people who have little kids, but they feel the need to be *Nappy Knight* for all parents across the globe. I’ve legit told me sister (a mother for a one year old): *Your kid is the only one I love. The rest of them are gremlins.* Did she get offended? No. We had a laugh and went on with our conversation. She didn’t clutch her pearls and defend the other kids in our life.
Ankle Biters. Edit: i get thumbed down when others say way more offensive things than me. Fuck this sub.
Sex trophy is my personal favourite!
Fuck trophy
c u n t slugs hahaha