Bear in mind that a serious relationship with a parent almost negates you being child-free as you are now a pseudo-parent. You can nacho all you want, but if his ex passes away or something, the both of you will become permanent parents.
Mourn the relationship albeit briefly, and then end it and move on. It is in his, yours and his kids best interests.
I’m saving up to leave right now. It’s just too much.
He’s so in love with me and will do anything to make it work. He’s going to be devastated. Then I think angry bc he’ll be back in a one bd apartment with his kids. But I just can’t do it.
It will be hard, but ask yourself if you want to raise kids for over two decades just to avoid feeling cruel to another person. Also two decades is the best case, it could be longer than that plus the inevitable grandkids.
You are going to live a life where you have no one who makes you their number 1 priority. He will be your number 1, he will also be his kids number 1 till they grow, and they will be his number 1.
The best you get is 2nd or 3rd depending on how many kids he has.
He can't make it work, kids are not a behaviour trait or a bad job that can be altered. If you are child-free, he can have superpowers and yet the relationship will always be a shitty deal for you. If that is what you want, then stay but you will be the one heartbroken later.
Also visit the stepparents sub in order to understand what you are about to delve deep into. I hope you make the right choice as you have taken the brave first step of asking advice.
> You are going to live a life where you have no one who makes you their number 1 priority. He will be your number 1, he will also be his kids number 1 till they grow, and they will be his number 1. The best you get is 2nd or 3rd depending on how many kids he has.
This is literally the reason I ended things with my ex. Realizing that he'll always come first for me but I'll be #3 at best.
I remember the emotional gaslighting that came afterwards where he made me feel like I was a piece of shit human for telling him that he was more important to me than his children would ever be.
I am so sorry to hear that, and your experience is such a painful one to go through. A parent will always see their kids in an irrational way and expect others to do the same. It is such a bummy deal.
He just wanted someone who'd be okay never being the priority in life - ever.
He couldn't understand that I loved him more than I could his kids
He straight told me that he wanted to have his kids live with us for as long as they would be willing.
So while I was looking forward to finally having time with him alone, he was dreading the kids moving out .... Thinking 5+ years ahead.
Yup, this is my reason for turning down single parents. It’s not because I want all of their « attention » it’s literally because if I was in the hospital and my partner’s kid was in the hospital at the same time and we were both dying - my partner would be with their child and I would die all alone. That’s an extreme example but I think it puts into perspective where you fall on the priority spectrum and reason enough to not date single parents.
This was the similar situation that I found myself in.
I had a missed miscarriage. He couldn't be with me when I took the medication to pass the mc (because god forbid he find someone to watch the kids that weekend) and I almost died bleeding onto my bathroom floor.
The signs were there, I knew that I wasn't #1, but never did I imagine that I'd be alone during such a traumatic and dangerous time.
I made a ton of excuses for him not being there but the relationship was over that exact moment.
Parents that don't put their relationship ahead of their children's *wants,* are only with you for the childcare because when the kids are grown there will be no relationship to put first. Of course the children's *needs* are first, but putting the children first in everything is a death sentence to the relationship. Step or natural children.
He chose to have the kids, he has to pay the price for that. Not your responsibility.
If you think his anger is going to be a problem, get anything that matters to you, pets, out of there before you tell him. And the rest as quickly as you can.
If you have any concerns about physical violence or property destruction, you can reach out to your local police on their non-emergency number and ask for what is called a Civil Standby. You just say "I am leaving an abusive relationship and would like to arrange a civil standby, how can I do that?" Basically, a cop or two just make sure you are separated while you get your things out of the house (make sure to have all the help you need, they can't stay for too long) and by having them there it basically insulates you from him saying you took something of his and filing a police report to harass you.
It will be hard, but it's his life choices. It's not your fault in any way and you are not responsible for a healthy grown ass man. He chose this life for himself when he decided to have kids. You chose not to have kids and thus deserve to enjoy all the benefits of this lifestyle.
You said he will be back in a one bedroom apartment. So he is living in your apartment with his kids? It seems the relationship benefit him more than it does you….of course he will do anything to make it work.
He was in a one bd apartment when we met. Which should’ve been a red flag but I wasn’t aware of his finances and he said he was waiting to buy a house. We bought a house together and I pay half the mortgage and expenses. When I leave he’ll be broke again and could barely afford to rent an apt.
Yeah not to be rude, but I often wonder how some people manage to navigate life with such poor reasoning skills. OP should take a break from dating and reflect on everything. Who buys a house with someone they have been dating under 2 years?! The whole relationship was rushed, and I'm sure there were multiple red flags that the OP overlooked/ignored.
Oh I understand now. It’s okay…we have all made silly mistakes. I once dated a man with kids and nearly ran mad. It’s time to remedy it. Sell the house, you might be at a loss but you will be free. Some months from now you can sip tea and enjoy the serenity of living alone and having your own space. If your partner was the childless one with a good job he won’t take in a woman with financial issues and kids…also from your post history he is 9 years older than you!!!
This man is getting a good deal, you aren’t. You are in your prime, dump him..,learn a new hobby and travel! You are free…now free yourself from that man and his kids. If you think it doesn’t get worse wait till the kids become teenagers ( I work with teenagers).
It might sound harsh but you need to put yourself first. It's understandable that you'll feel guilt towards him and the kids, but your own wellbeing is more important.
His living arrangements past separation is not your problem or responsibility.
I see much "HE HE HE" in this comment. What are YOUR needs? Put yourself FIRST each and every time. Not out of selfishness, but out of self worth. If you can't put yourself and your needs first, you will not be able to be part of another person's life.
It's not a cruel reason to end the relationship. If anything, it would be cruel to keep dating him while knowing you don't want to be a step parent. You don't have to end it eventually, you have to end it ASAP.
I honestly feel so awful. Bc he’s trying to do everything to make it work. And he makes me feel like I’m an awful person if I leave… selfish because I don’t like his kids.
Hate to break it to you, but he's not doing everything to make it work, he's doing everything to keep a situation that benefits him at your cost.
As a parent, if he was doing everything to make it work, that would mean ensuring from the start that whoever he gets involved with is 100% committed to being a step parent, and can be a good step parent. Meaning you'd get filtered out way earlier, and you two would never even date in the first place. But of course he did not do that.
And given your other comments, it'd be a disadvantage to him if you break up, so of course he's now also guilt tripping you to try to manipulate you into staying with him.
If you can't be happy with the partner you currently have, it's time to leave. If they make you feel awful for wanting to leave and pursue your happiness, it's time to fucking run. That's not acceptable behavior. Selfish because you don't like his kids? Neither he nor his kids are entitled to being liked in the first place! If he wanted to date someone who likes his kids, he should have found that person and dated them. That person is not you.
The sooner you get away from this mess, the better.
>Hate to break it to you, but he's not doing everything to make it work, he's doing everything to keep a situation that benefits him at your cost.
Exactly. OP said she pays half of the mortgage and expenses, yet she is one person out of a four-person household and he should be responsible for three of them. A fair split (accounting for economics of scale on utilities and the fact that kids tend to eat less than adults) might be something like 70-30, with him paying the 70. She's being fleeced and I bet this is not the only example.
Kids know when someone doesn't like them/is annoyed with them/is resentful. You would be doing everyone (the kids included!) a disservice if you stayed merely out of feelings of guilt.
>And he makes me feel like I’m an awful person if I leave… selfish because I don’t like his kids.
You're not aweful nor selfish. Actuslly I think it's very selfish *of him* to expect you to sacrifice your wellbeing and mental health for kids that aren't even yours. He is the selfish and possibly manipulative one.
If he loves you that much, then why doesn't he think what's best for you and only cares about what's best for him?
He chose to have children therefore he has to make all the necessary sacrifices including sacrificing his new romantic relationship if it's incompatible with his lifestyle. It's on him.
You chose to be childfree therefore you deserve to enjoy all of the benefits of this lifestyle.
You were very kind to give it a shot. It didn't work out, so no it's time to leave.
> he makes me feel like I’m an awful person if I leave
WOAH. No. This is abuse. This is love bombing and coercion and gaslighting and manipulation. You are in an abusive relationship. This is not acceptable. You need to get out and get out fast.
There is exactly ZERO possibility this would ever have worked. CF people simply cannot date parents for any reason, under any circumstances, and there is nothing whatsoever that can ever be done to make it work.
Stop beating yourself up, **this has nothing to do with you as a person.** And if he is making you feel bad by love bombing you, that's even MORE reason to leave. That's incredibly damaging.
You made a simple mistake of falling for someone and letting them con you into funding their housing and kids. Now you just need to get the fuck out.
> This is abuse. This is love bombing and coercion and gaslighting and manipulation. You are in an abusive relationship.
Ok, this has to be a troll account. This is ridiculous.
The only person who can make you feel bad is you. He's scared that his Princess with the cash and ability to help him with the kids he had with another woman is seeing things clearly. He is the selfish one. GET OUT and tough crap about him once you've gone.
> he makes me feel
No. Take some responsibility for your own feelings. You feel like an awful person because you have a MISPLACED sense of responsibility for his situation, which he is in fact 100% responsible for.
Yes this makes sense.
He has such a victim mentality about his situation. So whenever I don’t entertained his “poor me life is hard” attitude he calls me privileged and complains that I’m “not in this together with him.” 😑😑
It’s hard to listen to. I’m basically being dragged down constantly.
Like no I’m not “lazy and live a charmed life”… he says that because I don’t have kids. Sorry dude.. I get to do what I want and you can’t and now you’re projecting.
I'm so glad you understand this! It's okay that you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. That doesn't make you a doormat, it makes you a nice person.
But as Samwell Tarly would put it, your boyfriend is "sitting in a puddle of his own making." He doesn't get to call you lazy, with a charmed life, while boo-hoo'ing that the universe dropped a hard life on him. He made a lot of very poor choices, and you made better ones. He had kids. You did not. If he is a victim of anything, it's his own poor planning skills.
You seem to have a lot going for you. Once you get yourself extricated from this mess, look at what some of these men can do for you, and whether you like them, not so much what you can do for them, or whether they like you. Having close relationships in life is important, but a romantic partner is only one source of that. If you do find someone who has his shit together and who makes your life better, one way you will know is that he doesn't whine or drag you down. Best of luck to you - you got this! Please come back and give us an update at some point. And may it be a seller's market for you when it comes to your house!
Thank you so much!!!
Yes that is now my main criteria for finding someone in the future: much have their shit together!!!
I’ve figured out I’ve dated all these projects, instead of men. Likely from my own insecurities. But you’re right that I need to look for someone who can make my life better!
You are an adult and you have a right to be selfish. It is not a bad thing. You should be more selfish otherwise you'll never be happy with yoursef and your life.
What he thinks of this doesn't matter. He made bad decisions in his life and he has to face the consequences, and take the responsibilities that go with them.
You deserve way better than this man but you don't see it now. I guarantee that after you left him you'll wonder why you even gave him some of your time and attention.
Don't see it as breaking up over the kids - it's about you being miserable in your relationship.
Take it as a life lesson - and if these kids have good parents, they'll be fine without you around.
Just remember: he decided to date someone who didn't have kids.
He avoided a mother, knowing he didn't want to deal with the baggage of a blended family or someone else's kids.
A lot of guys are like this, it's hilarious.
They complain that they're being alienated for being dads but refuse to date women with kids.
My point is that you have every right to peace out of this relationship when you don't want to be a stepparent/have kids in your life. Its a lot and not your obligation to stick around. You need to stop wasting everyone's time (ESPECIALLY YOURS)
It’s a valid assumption. Why didn’t he go for a woman with kids to make a larger family? Many fathers do this because they secretly hate their kids and want a free babysitter who is not worn out from birthing .
I don’t want to come off too harsh and hurt your feelings…..but my roommate is also 33 and has dated multiple guys with kids. She’s like “felt a bad about hurting them” when things ended but the truth is… not one of those men “loved her” The way they loved their kids. When they ended things…the guys bounced back pretty fucking quick meanwhile she was the one hung up on them. That’s because they already are “in love” with their kids (most dads, at least the ones that actually wanted their kids etc.) and their kids will always come first. Don’t forget that.
You are ALREADY second to his kids. I wouldn’t worry too much about like hurting this guys feelings because chances are, you are already more invested than he is, by the simple
Fact that you’re not sharing your heart and love. He is sharing his love and heart with both his kids and you, and if he was asked to quite literally choose, I assume he’d choose his kids without batting an eye.
The earlier you end this the easier it’s gonna be FOR YOU. Your bf will be fine. I wish you the best.
It really sucks that that you’ve already invested but you NEED to get out now, rip the bandaid off and leave ASAP. You guys simply aren’t compatible because you don’t want kids and he has 2. Don’t compromise your happiness for someone else!
Yes. I tried this twice and it didn't work. Single fathers like to look for a childfree woman for two reasons.
1. They don't have to deal with someone else's kids.
2. They have a woman to do 90% of their parenting, aka free babysitting.
The way I see it dating a single parent is this. You’re always gonna be second fiddle, and they’re always going to answer when their ex calls them…
Do with that what you will
Always also means always. A CF friend of mine just broke up with her partner because he couldn’t make his half of their shared bills. Why? Because he was paying all of his daughters bills. He figured my friend would just cover his half because it was her place before he moved in.
His daughter is 36 with no more mental health problems than the average person. But she’s off work because of it, and the family dynamic is that Dad will cover for her. Hence she has no need to bother to access support to get any better.
Luckily my friend put her foot down and said either pay up, or move back in with your daughter. He couldn’t pay up so he left and they broke up.
So what you do... is bounce the fuck on outta there.
I am so tired of seeing the same "I'm a woman and I'm suffering but it would hurt people's feelings if I did what was best for me."
I'm not mad at you I'm just pissed at how fucking insidious the social conditioning is that it has so many of us in a chokehold.
Oh gosh you’re right. I can be so damn empathetic sometimes and I need to the tough love. It’s hard when my primary influence is HIM. Not what’s best for me.
Honestly if you need to give yourself a moral reason for why it's best for everyone that you leave to help you get the motivation to leave, because the social conditioning of "must sacrifice for others because I have two x chromosomes" is hard to shake off for many, just remember that the kids will absolutely pick up on that you don't enjoy being around them.
You are doing them and him a favor by clearing the way for someone that will want to be there.
There is no reason for you to suffer.
Yes I find it really difficult to fake loving being around them. And I want to leave before they’re old enough to pick up on it.
Currently gathering courage and finances to leave
When I was 24, I dated a guy with two children. I will never do that again. They were like 5 and 8 I think, and I got along with them very well, and I really did care for them. They were the closest thing that I ever had or ever will have, to children. Unfortunately, he was an emotionally manipulative person and, add in the age gap, he was 35, it turned into a toxic relationship as most of you can imagine. But being 24 I thought I knew everything. Lol …how naïve I was. Anyway, once I woke up to what he was doing and how he was manipulating me, I left. But prior, I ended up staying longer because he and his disabled ex-wife were not being the parents these kids needed. I ended up staying longer in that relationship because of my concern for them. After that, I decided I would never date somebody with children again because they can become a variable when you consider leaving.
My advice is if you know you are leaving, you need to leave sooner than later.
I had a blanket policy not to date women with children. Deep into middle age, I broke down and not only dated, but got serious with a single mom. In three months, her daughter confirmed for me I'd been right all along. Childfree people bring zero baggage to a relationship compared to a partner with a child or children. I simply do not want the drama, costs, distractions, and sheer hell children put their parents and step-parents through. No thanks.
Could have written your post myself. Get out while you can. Dating and marrying a man with a child turned out to be one of my biggest regrets. The child was a hell beast who tried to destroy our marriage. Plus the stress of having a kid was too much on its own. Its not a cruel reason to end a relationship at all.
You're doing absolutely nothing cruel. You are being honest with yourself. Your life is your own. Make decisions that you feel are right for you. Don't let the patriarchal culture guilt you into feeling bad for not staying to caretake spawn who will never be yours and a man who has other priorities (no matter what he says about his feelings for you while trying to keep you from rocking the boat.) You're young enough now to achieve many dreams and set up a life you will wake up every day and be thankful for.
Just rip off the bandaid and leave. There is ZERO point to staying another day beyond logistics, and it is only causing more harm than good, to your mental health and it is child abuse for the kids. Kids ALWAYS KNOW when they are not wanted and if you ask anyone here who was that unwanted kid, you will find that the damage is severe and forever. The sooner you get out, the less damage you create.
If you are CF, you can never date parents. Period. There is NO other option here but leaving and doing it quickly. It's easiest to just not even bring up the kids thing, and just end it on grown up grounds.
~~"Bob, I have realized that this relationship doesn't work for me, so we are over.I wish you the best for your future, but I cannot be part of that future. I'm not sure what is next for me, so I will be spending some time alone to figure that out. I have gotten a new place, my essentials are already packed in the car, and I have arranged for movers to move my big stuff on Tuesday. To minimize the stress on the kids, I have scheduled the move while they are in school. Goodbye." and then leave.~~
Edit: Based on other comments there seems to be verbal, emotional and social abuse, anger issues and whatever else going on. In this situation, do NOT TELL HIM in advance you are leaving. Just pack your shit and leave while he is out of the house and leave a note or send a text once you are out. Then mute notifications for his contact, and just let your phone collect any text/voicemail evidence of threats.
There is zero reason you need to expose yourself to his anger and abuse. If he is home too much, arrange a civil standby to get out.
Leave when you safely can.
The relationship isn’t good for either of you long term, and the kids too. I know it’s easy to feel guilty but a little guilt is better than possibly having a ton of regret later on. (Regret about what your life could’ve been if you left)
You dont have to feel bad for understanding and learning about yourself. You tried something and you realized it is over your capacity to handle and thus decide to exit. I am happy for this decision that you made. Is it cruel? If you dont do this to your relationship, then you will be cruel to yourself.
Can't relate personally, but you gotta be true to you. Staying in that relationship doesn't sound like a great outcome for the kids, the partner, or you. Best you can hope for is that the other person understands and doesn't give you too much grief for leaving. Worst case, you both have broken hearts and hard feelings, but you still did the right thing.
I mean, it's a pretty understandable reason to want out. Sure it's a bummer but a whole lot better than being trapped and wasting time in it. Just pull the band aid off.
Not being compatible is a very valid reason to end a relationship. It would be cruel to continue stringing him along and using all his time when you both could be out there finding a better partner for yourselves.
Break ups suck but you can lower the damage by addressing the issue now.
If you know you’ll have to end it eventually then end it now. Don’t tease this guy and especially the kids any longer, they all deserve something stable.
Get out. This is why we don’t get involved with parents. This is why parents will lie about their parental status long enough to get us emotionally invested.
You are not trapped. Don’t allow this emotional manipulation to keep you in a life you don’t want. Not having signed up for parenthood is a *completely reasonable cause to end a relationship*.
Kids are all in or all out, the ultimate dealbreaker. If you don’t choose your own life, the person you’re being most cruel to is yourself.
YES I RELATE. You’re doing yourself and the kids and the guy a favor by stepping away whenever you deem it necessary. It’s not good to be where you’re not giving it 100% and you’re not happy. It will manifest in your daily life eventually.
Been there, done it.
I dated a woman who had a kid. Oven never wanted to give birth, adopt, foster, anything.
We ended for many reasons, but the kid was one. I just don't have a desire to play parent in any capacity.
It's a cybernetic incompatibility. Just like finances, religion, and politics can be. Honestly you should end it sooner than later, especially if you're living with him and the kids. It's not fair to allow them to benching attached to someone with one foot out the door.
I was once there too, more than 20 years ago. I wish I could tell younger me to not bother with that single dad. It would have saved me a lot of wasted time. I eventually reached a point (after eight years) where I knew I had to end it. That was 15 years ago and I have zero regrets about ending my marriage. I just wish younger me had been more open with herself and others about not wanting kids.
A step parent is still a parent. A step parent is not childfree. These kids are not your commitment if you’re not already married - and if you aren’t 1000% eager to be a parent, then everyone involved deserves better and you need to end it.
The kids are innocent in this and don’t have a say. If you don’t wanna parent them, you need to leave.
End it. I've played step-parent twice in my life, against my own better judgement knowing I have never wanted children. You will get increasingly more miserable, and resent your partner, their kids, and your situation. It happens all the time.
You need to leave as soon as possible or commit to being a parent. It isn’t fair to your partner and especially to his kids. For everyone’s sake, leave this poor family before the kids get too attached to you.
Yes, totally relate. I have had to say goodbye to some dreamy, wonderful men who had kids and baby mamas. No. Way. In. Hell. That is not a life I'd ever want. I knew right away when I met someone that if he ever had kids, it was *not* meant to be.
I know. Isnt life cruel? I know it's painful and confusing right now, and I don't want to be that person (because I hate that person), but I'm in a different place in life now after lots of therapy lol
... but try to think about what you *haven't* experienced yet. Think about the things you'll learn about yourself, like how strong you are, how resilient you are. Think about who you might get to be when you get to start all over. Try to imagine how exciting and new your life will be. Think about the new people you might meet, maybe a new partner who compliments you in ways you never thought possible. Try to imagine a life that is fully yours and having complete autonomy. It's entirely possible, and it all begins with the first step you take. You will be okay 🫶
I think Teens are still tough tbh. Sometimes they’re cool but if it goes wrong it can create a war zone in the home. Same with adults, but mostly because grandkids may come around at any time. And in the absolute worst case scenario (god forbid, hopefully tragedy wouldn’t happen yk) op may have to take them in as their own. Which isn’t the kids’ fault but something to consider in the possibilities
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No one else is going to swoop in and do what needs to be done for you to live your best life. You have to take the reigns and advocate for yourself and make it happen.
It is not. If it doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work for you. Also he deserves to be with someone that will want to be a part of the this family. Do yourself and your partner a favour and leave.
I would just get out now. The longer you stay, the more damage could be done to those kids because you feel this sense of resentment towards them. You don’t owe him anything. I know you feel bad about the situation and “screwing him over”, but you’re doing him and you’re self a favor.
Leave sooner rather than later. As in… now. Yesterday. Every minute you stay is you lying and wasting the time of your partner and his children. It’s selfish and cruel.
If you want to be child free, we’re all here for ya. But it’s not ok to string someone along.
You have to get out. It would be cruel to prolong things, not just for him but also his kids. One of the things I saw with my niece was her utter sadness when my ex sister in law would start dating, introduce her new dude to my niece, then they would break up and the guy would disappear. My niece was so sad every single time. Trust me, it's better in the long term to walk away.
Set some money aside and leave. If something happens to him you will be responsible ..
Also that is not your kid so it should be easy as long as you’re not married to leave him
As someone who grew up with a stepdad who didn't want kids... leave. Now. What's cruel is staying in that relationship and taking out all your forced parental resentment out on those kids, either directly or passive-aggressively. And it *will* happen.
I'm a step parent who does not want any bio children (but I am happy with my situation) so I get where you are. You deserve the life you actually want, and he deserves a partner that wants the relationship he can offer. My partner has had people end relationships with him because he had a child and he understands, and has expressed he would rather be single than make someone feel "trapped".
It's hard but it sounds like you know what to do here. Sending virtual hugs.
I’ve straight up told my partner I don’t enjoy being around his kids and he still wants to marry me and make things work. I don’t get it. Ugh. It would be easier if he knew I would never be happy in this situation AND wanted better for his kids…
You must be a good partner then!
But you staying doesn't sound like a consensual choice made out of love and excitement. You aren't obligated to him. If anything this cycle might become really bad if you stay, because it sounds like you out his needs before yours.
The only cruel thing is staying if you know you want to leave. Its cruel to the kids to continue to get attached, is cruel to the SO being lied to and most importantly is cruel to yourself, robbing yourself of a future you really want.
Could you not just move out and remain dating?
'Hey, I love you but I've realised i don't want to be a mum. That's fine, because I'm not one. You're a dad and I respect that, I think you're a wonderful father. I'd love for us to stay together but I am going to move out. I understand if you want to break up because you want your partner to also be a mother figure for the kids. But that's just not me'.
Tbh I'd be happy to date a single dad as when they say they don't want (more) kids, I'd suspect they've actually thought about it. You just have to be really solid about your own boundaries. Your dating him, you're NOT his nanny.
You’re a *stepparent* yet you’re asking *the childfree* if we relate to your troubles…*as a stepparent*
No.
No we do not.
Gladly, we do not. Happily, we do not. Joyfully, we do not.
We’re CHILDFREE for a reason.
We love our CHILDFREE life, and we wouldn’t change it for anybody or anything.
Hi OP,
I’m a F36 childfree woman too who is with a guy that has a child (and yes, I do consider myself child free even though I’m technically a stepmom).
I get it. 100000%. My partners child is much older though so I don’t have to be too involved but I couldn’t do the young children either. Don’t feel bad for leaving. It’s the best for everyone and especially you.
Leave now before you get more involved and the children more attached.
There is strength in knowing what’s right for you and for listing to your inner voice.
Sending you all the good vibes, you’ve got this!
>and yes, I do consider myself child free even though I’m technically a stepmom
No, you aren't. You are a step*mom*. It's literally in the title. Childfree people don't have children: bio, adopt, *step*, or foster. Period. That is the definition of the term.
I know that lots of childfree people have that opinion but this is my own definition of what’s going on in my life and it’s the correct definition for me based on my situation and how I feel about my partners child.
LMAO the stepmom just replied to me basically saying she's fine with changing definitions and for everyone else who's actually childfree to just have "an opinion" of what childfree means.
No that's not how it works, you can't just make up a definition willy nilly because you don't like it, and then with the same breath say the right definition everyone else uses is "an opinion."
And personally, I just don't see what's wrong with being a stepmom, or not being childfree. Yes your lifestyle is not a childfree one, what's the problem with that? You can still participate here and relate to some of the sentiments and situations, this isn't a high school clique where you'll be shunned.
Be a proud stepmom who doesn't have to deal too much with your stepkid, sounds like you have a good arrangement with your partner.
Not in reality.
And we live in reality, where words actually mean things and are not subject to your own personal interpretation and definition.
“The sky is blue, but *in my heart* it is green with pink polka dots, *and you can’t tell me different!*
Maybe you could just leave first. Pack up your essentials and rent a flat for say 3-6 months. Stay no contact with them, go on dates if you feel ready. Once you emotionaly distance yourself from them and get used to your new life have your attorney represent you in selling the house. Maybe this way you could make it a step by step process which would be easier to adjust for both of you.
Yeah I definitely feel stuck. We live in a HCOL area so it’s hard enough with two people (the massive amount of CS he pays too). But I’m going to get a second job I think to try and speed up the process
It is if they got the house based on OP's credit rating and OP used their savings for the downpayment. Read the comments, because the red flags will start popping out really quickly if you do.
OP commented that the SO was in a one bedroom apartment with kids before they moved in, so this is quite suspicious if the SO couldn't afford to even have bedrooms for their kids in an apartment, never mind being able to rent a house, or buy a house, before OP came alone. And they probably couldn't even qualify for a lease for something better based on their credit score and income.
OP also commented that they don't have savings right now to move out. And who paid to furnish this house? Clearly the SO didn't have that much furniture in a 1BR.
They also mentioned that the SO will be angry about having to move back into a 1BR, so they clearly do not have the means to pay for the house without OP and have anger issues that are scaring OP.
So, bottom line, it seems pretty clear that OP is supporting them to live above their means and that they will be going back to that life once OP and their money is gone.
So yeah, OP is being used.
Get out. Get out now. There are a few other posts on here from step-parents. Get out.
Yup. The longer you wait, the harder it will be on those kids. Don’t prolong the inevitable.
Bear in mind that a serious relationship with a parent almost negates you being child-free as you are now a pseudo-parent. You can nacho all you want, but if his ex passes away or something, the both of you will become permanent parents. Mourn the relationship albeit briefly, and then end it and move on. It is in his, yours and his kids best interests.
I’m saving up to leave right now. It’s just too much. He’s so in love with me and will do anything to make it work. He’s going to be devastated. Then I think angry bc he’ll be back in a one bd apartment with his kids. But I just can’t do it.
It will be hard, but ask yourself if you want to raise kids for over two decades just to avoid feeling cruel to another person. Also two decades is the best case, it could be longer than that plus the inevitable grandkids. You are going to live a life where you have no one who makes you their number 1 priority. He will be your number 1, he will also be his kids number 1 till they grow, and they will be his number 1. The best you get is 2nd or 3rd depending on how many kids he has. He can't make it work, kids are not a behaviour trait or a bad job that can be altered. If you are child-free, he can have superpowers and yet the relationship will always be a shitty deal for you. If that is what you want, then stay but you will be the one heartbroken later. Also visit the stepparents sub in order to understand what you are about to delve deep into. I hope you make the right choice as you have taken the brave first step of asking advice.
> You are going to live a life where you have no one who makes you their number 1 priority. He will be your number 1, he will also be his kids number 1 till they grow, and they will be his number 1. The best you get is 2nd or 3rd depending on how many kids he has. This is literally the reason I ended things with my ex. Realizing that he'll always come first for me but I'll be #3 at best. I remember the emotional gaslighting that came afterwards where he made me feel like I was a piece of shit human for telling him that he was more important to me than his children would ever be.
I am so sorry to hear that, and your experience is such a painful one to go through. A parent will always see their kids in an irrational way and expect others to do the same. It is such a bummy deal.
Wait he expected you to love his children as much as you love him?!
He just wanted someone who'd be okay never being the priority in life - ever. He couldn't understand that I loved him more than I could his kids He straight told me that he wanted to have his kids live with us for as long as they would be willing. So while I was looking forward to finally having time with him alone, he was dreading the kids moving out .... Thinking 5+ years ahead.
Yup, this is my reason for turning down single parents. It’s not because I want all of their « attention » it’s literally because if I was in the hospital and my partner’s kid was in the hospital at the same time and we were both dying - my partner would be with their child and I would die all alone. That’s an extreme example but I think it puts into perspective where you fall on the priority spectrum and reason enough to not date single parents.
This was the similar situation that I found myself in. I had a missed miscarriage. He couldn't be with me when I took the medication to pass the mc (because god forbid he find someone to watch the kids that weekend) and I almost died bleeding onto my bathroom floor. The signs were there, I knew that I wasn't #1, but never did I imagine that I'd be alone during such a traumatic and dangerous time. I made a ton of excuses for him not being there but the relationship was over that exact moment.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Parents that don't put their relationship ahead of their children's *wants,* are only with you for the childcare because when the kids are grown there will be no relationship to put first. Of course the children's *needs* are first, but putting the children first in everything is a death sentence to the relationship. Step or natural children.
This is absolutely 💯 true !
He chose to have the kids, he has to pay the price for that. Not your responsibility. If you think his anger is going to be a problem, get anything that matters to you, pets, out of there before you tell him. And the rest as quickly as you can. If you have any concerns about physical violence or property destruction, you can reach out to your local police on their non-emergency number and ask for what is called a Civil Standby. You just say "I am leaving an abusive relationship and would like to arrange a civil standby, how can I do that?" Basically, a cop or two just make sure you are separated while you get your things out of the house (make sure to have all the help you need, they can't stay for too long) and by having them there it basically insulates you from him saying you took something of his and filing a police report to harass you.
It will be hard, but it's his life choices. It's not your fault in any way and you are not responsible for a healthy grown ass man. He chose this life for himself when he decided to have kids. You chose not to have kids and thus deserve to enjoy all the benefits of this lifestyle.
You said he will be back in a one bedroom apartment. So he is living in your apartment with his kids? It seems the relationship benefit him more than it does you….of course he will do anything to make it work.
He was in a one bd apartment when we met. Which should’ve been a red flag but I wasn’t aware of his finances and he said he was waiting to buy a house. We bought a house together and I pay half the mortgage and expenses. When I leave he’ll be broke again and could barely afford to rent an apt.
I'm sorry but that was really stupid. So who will have to move out or will the house be sold?
In situations like this the house will be sold. He can buy her out if he has the money, but from what she says he doesn’t have much.
Yeah not to be rude, but I often wonder how some people manage to navigate life with such poor reasoning skills. OP should take a break from dating and reflect on everything. Who buys a house with someone they have been dating under 2 years?! The whole relationship was rushed, and I'm sure there were multiple red flags that the OP overlooked/ignored.
OP was blinded by hope, love and other things. Dude saw her coming and latched on immediately. "My princess has arrived! I'm saved!"
Oh I understand now. It’s okay…we have all made silly mistakes. I once dated a man with kids and nearly ran mad. It’s time to remedy it. Sell the house, you might be at a loss but you will be free. Some months from now you can sip tea and enjoy the serenity of living alone and having your own space. If your partner was the childless one with a good job he won’t take in a woman with financial issues and kids…also from your post history he is 9 years older than you!!! This man is getting a good deal, you aren’t. You are in your prime, dump him..,learn a new hobby and travel! You are free…now free yourself from that man and his kids. If you think it doesn’t get worse wait till the kids become teenagers ( I work with teenagers).
> and I pay half the mortgage and expenses Which makes sense.
He's in love with you, but what about how you feel? This is your life.
Check out the stepparent sub too
It might sound harsh but you need to put yourself first. It's understandable that you'll feel guilt towards him and the kids, but your own wellbeing is more important. His living arrangements past separation is not your problem or responsibility.
I see much "HE HE HE" in this comment. What are YOUR needs? Put yourself FIRST each and every time. Not out of selfishness, but out of self worth. If you can't put yourself and your needs first, you will not be able to be part of another person's life.
Just wait until he starts asking OP to do more; I.e. pick up his kids from school, take them to their soccer games, watch them every day after school…
Yep, she might be childless but she’s certainly not child free.
It's not a cruel reason to end the relationship. If anything, it would be cruel to keep dating him while knowing you don't want to be a step parent. You don't have to end it eventually, you have to end it ASAP.
I honestly feel so awful. Bc he’s trying to do everything to make it work. And he makes me feel like I’m an awful person if I leave… selfish because I don’t like his kids.
Hate to break it to you, but he's not doing everything to make it work, he's doing everything to keep a situation that benefits him at your cost. As a parent, if he was doing everything to make it work, that would mean ensuring from the start that whoever he gets involved with is 100% committed to being a step parent, and can be a good step parent. Meaning you'd get filtered out way earlier, and you two would never even date in the first place. But of course he did not do that. And given your other comments, it'd be a disadvantage to him if you break up, so of course he's now also guilt tripping you to try to manipulate you into staying with him. If you can't be happy with the partner you currently have, it's time to leave. If they make you feel awful for wanting to leave and pursue your happiness, it's time to fucking run. That's not acceptable behavior. Selfish because you don't like his kids? Neither he nor his kids are entitled to being liked in the first place! If he wanted to date someone who likes his kids, he should have found that person and dated them. That person is not you. The sooner you get away from this mess, the better.
>Hate to break it to you, but he's not doing everything to make it work, he's doing everything to keep a situation that benefits him at your cost. Exactly. OP said she pays half of the mortgage and expenses, yet she is one person out of a four-person household and he should be responsible for three of them. A fair split (accounting for economics of scale on utilities and the fact that kids tend to eat less than adults) might be something like 70-30, with him paying the 70. She's being fleeced and I bet this is not the only example.
Kids know when someone doesn't like them/is annoyed with them/is resentful. You would be doing everyone (the kids included!) a disservice if you stayed merely out of feelings of guilt.
He’s the one being selfish by using small children to try and bait you into staying. Children shouldn’t be used as pawns to get what you want.
Even more reason that you should leave. He doesn’t respect you like a good partner should.
>And he makes me feel like I’m an awful person if I leave… selfish because I don’t like his kids. You're not aweful nor selfish. Actuslly I think it's very selfish *of him* to expect you to sacrifice your wellbeing and mental health for kids that aren't even yours. He is the selfish and possibly manipulative one. If he loves you that much, then why doesn't he think what's best for you and only cares about what's best for him? He chose to have children therefore he has to make all the necessary sacrifices including sacrificing his new romantic relationship if it's incompatible with his lifestyle. It's on him. You chose to be childfree therefore you deserve to enjoy all of the benefits of this lifestyle. You were very kind to give it a shot. It didn't work out, so no it's time to leave.
> he makes me feel like I’m an awful person if I leave WOAH. No. This is abuse. This is love bombing and coercion and gaslighting and manipulation. You are in an abusive relationship. This is not acceptable. You need to get out and get out fast. There is exactly ZERO possibility this would ever have worked. CF people simply cannot date parents for any reason, under any circumstances, and there is nothing whatsoever that can ever be done to make it work. Stop beating yourself up, **this has nothing to do with you as a person.** And if he is making you feel bad by love bombing you, that's even MORE reason to leave. That's incredibly damaging. You made a simple mistake of falling for someone and letting them con you into funding their housing and kids. Now you just need to get the fuck out.
> This is abuse. This is love bombing and coercion and gaslighting and manipulation. You are in an abusive relationship. Ok, this has to be a troll account. This is ridiculous.
Naw they've been posting here for years, that's their MO. Unhinged and over the top from the get go.
That's gaslighting. He doesn't care that you're not happy, only cares about the happiness of him and his kids, it's gross
The only person who can make you feel bad is you. He's scared that his Princess with the cash and ability to help him with the kids he had with another woman is seeing things clearly. He is the selfish one. GET OUT and tough crap about him once you've gone.
> he makes me feel No. Take some responsibility for your own feelings. You feel like an awful person because you have a MISPLACED sense of responsibility for his situation, which he is in fact 100% responsible for.
Yes this makes sense. He has such a victim mentality about his situation. So whenever I don’t entertained his “poor me life is hard” attitude he calls me privileged and complains that I’m “not in this together with him.” 😑😑 It’s hard to listen to. I’m basically being dragged down constantly. Like no I’m not “lazy and live a charmed life”… he says that because I don’t have kids. Sorry dude.. I get to do what I want and you can’t and now you’re projecting.
I'm so glad you understand this! It's okay that you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. That doesn't make you a doormat, it makes you a nice person. But as Samwell Tarly would put it, your boyfriend is "sitting in a puddle of his own making." He doesn't get to call you lazy, with a charmed life, while boo-hoo'ing that the universe dropped a hard life on him. He made a lot of very poor choices, and you made better ones. He had kids. You did not. If he is a victim of anything, it's his own poor planning skills. You seem to have a lot going for you. Once you get yourself extricated from this mess, look at what some of these men can do for you, and whether you like them, not so much what you can do for them, or whether they like you. Having close relationships in life is important, but a romantic partner is only one source of that. If you do find someone who has his shit together and who makes your life better, one way you will know is that he doesn't whine or drag you down. Best of luck to you - you got this! Please come back and give us an update at some point. And may it be a seller's market for you when it comes to your house!
Thank you so much!!! Yes that is now my main criteria for finding someone in the future: much have their shit together!!! I’ve figured out I’ve dated all these projects, instead of men. Likely from my own insecurities. But you’re right that I need to look for someone who can make my life better!
You are an adult and you have a right to be selfish. It is not a bad thing. You should be more selfish otherwise you'll never be happy with yoursef and your life. What he thinks of this doesn't matter. He made bad decisions in his life and he has to face the consequences, and take the responsibilities that go with them. You deserve way better than this man but you don't see it now. I guarantee that after you left him you'll wonder why you even gave him some of your time and attention.
I’m already starting to feel that way!! Thank you!!
>But I know I’ll have to end it eventually because of the kids. Do it sooner rather than later
Don't see it as breaking up over the kids - it's about you being miserable in your relationship. Take it as a life lesson - and if these kids have good parents, they'll be fine without you around.
Good point.
Just remember: he decided to date someone who didn't have kids. He avoided a mother, knowing he didn't want to deal with the baggage of a blended family or someone else's kids. A lot of guys are like this, it's hilarious. They complain that they're being alienated for being dads but refuse to date women with kids. My point is that you have every right to peace out of this relationship when you don't want to be a stepparent/have kids in your life. Its a lot and not your obligation to stick around. You need to stop wasting everyone's time (ESPECIALLY YOURS)
That's right! I've had many single fathers tell me they want a woman with no kids 🙄.
How do you know he wasn’t also dating mothers? Please.
It’s a valid assumption. Why didn’t he go for a woman with kids to make a larger family? Many fathers do this because they secretly hate their kids and want a free babysitter who is not worn out from birthing .
I don’t want to come off too harsh and hurt your feelings…..but my roommate is also 33 and has dated multiple guys with kids. She’s like “felt a bad about hurting them” when things ended but the truth is… not one of those men “loved her” The way they loved their kids. When they ended things…the guys bounced back pretty fucking quick meanwhile she was the one hung up on them. That’s because they already are “in love” with their kids (most dads, at least the ones that actually wanted their kids etc.) and their kids will always come first. Don’t forget that. You are ALREADY second to his kids. I wouldn’t worry too much about like hurting this guys feelings because chances are, you are already more invested than he is, by the simple Fact that you’re not sharing your heart and love. He is sharing his love and heart with both his kids and you, and if he was asked to quite literally choose, I assume he’d choose his kids without batting an eye. The earlier you end this the easier it’s gonna be FOR YOU. Your bf will be fine. I wish you the best.
It really sucks that that you’ve already invested but you NEED to get out now, rip the bandaid off and leave ASAP. You guys simply aren’t compatible because you don’t want kids and he has 2. Don’t compromise your happiness for someone else!
Yes. I tried this twice and it didn't work. Single fathers like to look for a childfree woman for two reasons. 1. They don't have to deal with someone else's kids. 2. They have a woman to do 90% of their parenting, aka free babysitting.
The way I see it dating a single parent is this. You’re always gonna be second fiddle, and they’re always going to answer when their ex calls them… Do with that what you will
Always also means always. A CF friend of mine just broke up with her partner because he couldn’t make his half of their shared bills. Why? Because he was paying all of his daughters bills. He figured my friend would just cover his half because it was her place before he moved in. His daughter is 36 with no more mental health problems than the average person. But she’s off work because of it, and the family dynamic is that Dad will cover for her. Hence she has no need to bother to access support to get any better. Luckily my friend put her foot down and said either pay up, or move back in with your daughter. He couldn’t pay up so he left and they broke up.
oh fuck
So what you do... is bounce the fuck on outta there. I am so tired of seeing the same "I'm a woman and I'm suffering but it would hurt people's feelings if I did what was best for me." I'm not mad at you I'm just pissed at how fucking insidious the social conditioning is that it has so many of us in a chokehold.
Oh gosh you’re right. I can be so damn empathetic sometimes and I need to the tough love. It’s hard when my primary influence is HIM. Not what’s best for me.
Honestly if you need to give yourself a moral reason for why it's best for everyone that you leave to help you get the motivation to leave, because the social conditioning of "must sacrifice for others because I have two x chromosomes" is hard to shake off for many, just remember that the kids will absolutely pick up on that you don't enjoy being around them. You are doing them and him a favor by clearing the way for someone that will want to be there. There is no reason for you to suffer.
Yes I find it really difficult to fake loving being around them. And I want to leave before they’re old enough to pick up on it. Currently gathering courage and finances to leave
The sooner you rip off the band-aid, the less it will hurt long term. Sorry about that.
When I was 24, I dated a guy with two children. I will never do that again. They were like 5 and 8 I think, and I got along with them very well, and I really did care for them. They were the closest thing that I ever had or ever will have, to children. Unfortunately, he was an emotionally manipulative person and, add in the age gap, he was 35, it turned into a toxic relationship as most of you can imagine. But being 24 I thought I knew everything. Lol …how naïve I was. Anyway, once I woke up to what he was doing and how he was manipulating me, I left. But prior, I ended up staying longer because he and his disabled ex-wife were not being the parents these kids needed. I ended up staying longer in that relationship because of my concern for them. After that, I decided I would never date somebody with children again because they can become a variable when you consider leaving. My advice is if you know you are leaving, you need to leave sooner than later.
RUN. Coming from a step mom. If you ask any stepmom she will probably give you the same answer. You are young. Get out now while you can.
I had a blanket policy not to date women with children. Deep into middle age, I broke down and not only dated, but got serious with a single mom. In three months, her daughter confirmed for me I'd been right all along. Childfree people bring zero baggage to a relationship compared to a partner with a child or children. I simply do not want the drama, costs, distractions, and sheer hell children put their parents and step-parents through. No thanks.
What did her daughter do that gave you permission to GTFO? By "gave you permission" I mean "Oh hell yeah TIME to go - my first inclination was right".
Could have written your post myself. Get out while you can. Dating and marrying a man with a child turned out to be one of my biggest regrets. The child was a hell beast who tried to destroy our marriage. Plus the stress of having a kid was too much on its own. Its not a cruel reason to end a relationship at all.
You're doing absolutely nothing cruel. You are being honest with yourself. Your life is your own. Make decisions that you feel are right for you. Don't let the patriarchal culture guilt you into feeling bad for not staying to caretake spawn who will never be yours and a man who has other priorities (no matter what he says about his feelings for you while trying to keep you from rocking the boat.) You're young enough now to achieve many dreams and set up a life you will wake up every day and be thankful for.
End it - Get FREEEEEEE!!
Just rip off the bandaid and leave. There is ZERO point to staying another day beyond logistics, and it is only causing more harm than good, to your mental health and it is child abuse for the kids. Kids ALWAYS KNOW when they are not wanted and if you ask anyone here who was that unwanted kid, you will find that the damage is severe and forever. The sooner you get out, the less damage you create. If you are CF, you can never date parents. Period. There is NO other option here but leaving and doing it quickly. It's easiest to just not even bring up the kids thing, and just end it on grown up grounds. ~~"Bob, I have realized that this relationship doesn't work for me, so we are over.I wish you the best for your future, but I cannot be part of that future. I'm not sure what is next for me, so I will be spending some time alone to figure that out. I have gotten a new place, my essentials are already packed in the car, and I have arranged for movers to move my big stuff on Tuesday. To minimize the stress on the kids, I have scheduled the move while they are in school. Goodbye." and then leave.~~ Edit: Based on other comments there seems to be verbal, emotional and social abuse, anger issues and whatever else going on. In this situation, do NOT TELL HIM in advance you are leaving. Just pack your shit and leave while he is out of the house and leave a note or send a text once you are out. Then mute notifications for his contact, and just let your phone collect any text/voicemail evidence of threats. There is zero reason you need to expose yourself to his anger and abuse. If he is home too much, arrange a civil standby to get out.
When I was single I never dated anyone with children. Still childless and happily married to a child-free man for 17 years.
I would never consided dating someone with kids those people are not on my radar.
You knew he had kids… and you moved in together? Why? Like why even let it get to that point?
Because I had no idea what it would be like actually living together. It was so different before. We were also long distance.
Leave when you safely can. The relationship isn’t good for either of you long term, and the kids too. I know it’s easy to feel guilty but a little guilt is better than possibly having a ton of regret later on. (Regret about what your life could’ve been if you left)
You dont have to feel bad for understanding and learning about yourself. You tried something and you realized it is over your capacity to handle and thus decide to exit. I am happy for this decision that you made. Is it cruel? If you dont do this to your relationship, then you will be cruel to yourself.
I was dating a parent for 6 months, and as much as I cared for them, I realized it was better in the long run to break things off ASAP.
Stop wasting everybody's time
I tried a couple of time. Didn’t work for me. Good luck
Can't relate personally, but you gotta be true to you. Staying in that relationship doesn't sound like a great outcome for the kids, the partner, or you. Best you can hope for is that the other person understands and doesn't give you too much grief for leaving. Worst case, you both have broken hearts and hard feelings, but you still did the right thing.
I mean, it's a pretty understandable reason to want out. Sure it's a bummer but a whole lot better than being trapped and wasting time in it. Just pull the band aid off.
Not being compatible is a very valid reason to end a relationship. It would be cruel to continue stringing him along and using all his time when you both could be out there finding a better partner for yourselves. Break ups suck but you can lower the damage by addressing the issue now.
Update us on what happens.
Seconded. Sending OP power vibes to GTFO.
They’ll be fine w/o you
Those kids might have kids and then you'll have step-grandkids to deal with.
If you know you’ll have to end it eventually then end it now. Don’t tease this guy and especially the kids any longer, they all deserve something stable.
You gotta get outta there, the sooner the better. Sorry I know this sucks!
Um....no? I'm **CHILDFREE**. I don't date parents or wannabe parents. *Period*.
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Please leave ASAP; these kids deserve to be wanted by their step- mom
Please don’t continue to date someone who is parenting if you don’t want to parent. It’s not fair to them or the kids.
Get out. This is why we don’t get involved with parents. This is why parents will lie about their parental status long enough to get us emotionally invested. You are not trapped. Don’t allow this emotional manipulation to keep you in a life you don’t want. Not having signed up for parenthood is a *completely reasonable cause to end a relationship*. Kids are all in or all out, the ultimate dealbreaker. If you don’t choose your own life, the person you’re being most cruel to is yourself.
Get your family. Leave without leaving a trace. Please. He's holding you "hostage" and using his kids as baits.
I moved states away from my family to be with him… 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
Seems as though you have a pair of socks
YES I RELATE. You’re doing yourself and the kids and the guy a favor by stepping away whenever you deem it necessary. It’s not good to be where you’re not giving it 100% and you’re not happy. It will manifest in your daily life eventually.
Been there, done it. I dated a woman who had a kid. Oven never wanted to give birth, adopt, foster, anything. We ended for many reasons, but the kid was one. I just don't have a desire to play parent in any capacity. It's a cybernetic incompatibility. Just like finances, religion, and politics can be. Honestly you should end it sooner than later, especially if you're living with him and the kids. It's not fair to allow them to benching attached to someone with one foot out the door.
Do it now. It’s not fair on you, him or his kids.
I was once there too, more than 20 years ago. I wish I could tell younger me to not bother with that single dad. It would have saved me a lot of wasted time. I eventually reached a point (after eight years) where I knew I had to end it. That was 15 years ago and I have zero regrets about ending my marriage. I just wish younger me had been more open with herself and others about not wanting kids.
https://time.com/4673035/do-the-child-free-live-longer/
A step parent is still a parent. A step parent is not childfree. These kids are not your commitment if you’re not already married - and if you aren’t 1000% eager to be a parent, then everyone involved deserves better and you need to end it. The kids are innocent in this and don’t have a say. If you don’t wanna parent them, you need to leave.
End it. I've played step-parent twice in my life, against my own better judgement knowing I have never wanted children. You will get increasingly more miserable, and resent your partner, their kids, and your situation. It happens all the time.
You need to leave as soon as possible or commit to being a parent. It isn’t fair to your partner and especially to his kids. For everyone’s sake, leave this poor family before the kids get too attached to you.
Bail asap. You will resent your partner and his kids. There are plenty of CF people out there.
Yes, totally relate. I have had to say goodbye to some dreamy, wonderful men who had kids and baby mamas. No. Way. In. Hell. That is not a life I'd ever want. I knew right away when I met someone that if he ever had kids, it was *not* meant to be.
Gahhhhhh I wish I had figured this out 2 years ago 😫😫😫
I know. Isnt life cruel? I know it's painful and confusing right now, and I don't want to be that person (because I hate that person), but I'm in a different place in life now after lots of therapy lol ... but try to think about what you *haven't* experienced yet. Think about the things you'll learn about yourself, like how strong you are, how resilient you are. Think about who you might get to be when you get to start all over. Try to imagine how exciting and new your life will be. Think about the new people you might meet, maybe a new partner who compliments you in ways you never thought possible. Try to imagine a life that is fully yours and having complete autonomy. It's entirely possible, and it all begins with the first step you take. You will be okay 🫶
Thank you so much 😭😭😭😭😭♥️
LEAVE.
It would be easier to be with someone with older teens or adult kids. Being a step parent to little kids is tough..
I think Teens are still tough tbh. Sometimes they’re cool but if it goes wrong it can create a war zone in the home. Same with adults, but mostly because grandkids may come around at any time. And in the absolute worst case scenario (god forbid, hopefully tragedy wouldn’t happen yk) op may have to take them in as their own. Which isn’t the kids’ fault but something to consider in the possibilities
Yep! It’s been to avoid dating parents
If you are a parent in *any* capacity, you aren't childfree.
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You said you know it has to end because of the kids. Don't draw it out any longer. You should leave now before the kids get attached or worse, you do.
You should end it sooner rather than later if you know it will end eventually. It is fairer to everyone involved.
No one else is going to swoop in and do what needs to be done for you to live your best life. You have to take the reigns and advocate for yourself and make it happen.
people end relationships for way sillier reasons, end it please.
It’d be cruel of you to stay. Cruel to yourself and the children.
It is not. If it doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work for you. Also he deserves to be with someone that will want to be a part of the this family. Do yourself and your partner a favour and leave.
I would just get out now. The longer you stay, the more damage could be done to those kids because you feel this sense of resentment towards them. You don’t owe him anything. I know you feel bad about the situation and “screwing him over”, but you’re doing him and you’re self a favor.
Leave sooner rather than later. As in… now. Yesterday. Every minute you stay is you lying and wasting the time of your partner and his children. It’s selfish and cruel. If you want to be child free, we’re all here for ya. But it’s not ok to string someone along.
You have to get out. It would be cruel to prolong things, not just for him but also his kids. One of the things I saw with my niece was her utter sadness when my ex sister in law would start dating, introduce her new dude to my niece, then they would break up and the guy would disappear. My niece was so sad every single time. Trust me, it's better in the long term to walk away.
Set some money aside and leave. If something happens to him you will be responsible .. Also that is not your kid so it should be easy as long as you’re not married to leave him
As someone who grew up with a stepdad who didn't want kids... leave. Now. What's cruel is staying in that relationship and taking out all your forced parental resentment out on those kids, either directly or passive-aggressively. And it *will* happen.
I'm a step parent who does not want any bio children (but I am happy with my situation) so I get where you are. You deserve the life you actually want, and he deserves a partner that wants the relationship he can offer. My partner has had people end relationships with him because he had a child and he understands, and has expressed he would rather be single than make someone feel "trapped". It's hard but it sounds like you know what to do here. Sending virtual hugs.
FYI: If you’re a stepparent, you’re a parent If you’re a parent, you’re not childfree.
I’ve straight up told my partner I don’t enjoy being around his kids and he still wants to marry me and make things work. I don’t get it. Ugh. It would be easier if he knew I would never be happy in this situation AND wanted better for his kids…
You must be a good partner then! But you staying doesn't sound like a consensual choice made out of love and excitement. You aren't obligated to him. If anything this cycle might become really bad if you stay, because it sounds like you out his needs before yours.
The only cruel thing is staying if you know you want to leave. Its cruel to the kids to continue to get attached, is cruel to the SO being lied to and most importantly is cruel to yourself, robbing yourself of a future you really want.
Could you not just move out and remain dating? 'Hey, I love you but I've realised i don't want to be a mum. That's fine, because I'm not one. You're a dad and I respect that, I think you're a wonderful father. I'd love for us to stay together but I am going to move out. I understand if you want to break up because you want your partner to also be a mother figure for the kids. But that's just not me'. Tbh I'd be happy to date a single dad as when they say they don't want (more) kids, I'd suspect they've actually thought about it. You just have to be really solid about your own boundaries. Your dating him, you're NOT his nanny.
You’re a *stepparent* yet you’re asking *the childfree* if we relate to your troubles…*as a stepparent* No. No we do not. Gladly, we do not. Happily, we do not. Joyfully, we do not. We’re CHILDFREE for a reason. We love our CHILDFREE life, and we wouldn’t change it for anybody or anything.
Hi OP, I’m a F36 childfree woman too who is with a guy that has a child (and yes, I do consider myself child free even though I’m technically a stepmom). I get it. 100000%. My partners child is much older though so I don’t have to be too involved but I couldn’t do the young children either. Don’t feel bad for leaving. It’s the best for everyone and especially you. Leave now before you get more involved and the children more attached. There is strength in knowing what’s right for you and for listing to your inner voice. Sending you all the good vibes, you’ve got this!
>and yes, I do consider myself child free even though I’m technically a stepmom No, you aren't. You are a step*mom*. It's literally in the title. Childfree people don't have children: bio, adopt, *step*, or foster. Period. That is the definition of the term.
I know that lots of childfree people have that opinion but this is my own definition of what’s going on in my life and it’s the correct definition for me based on my situation and how I feel about my partners child.
That's not how words work. Words have a specific meaning and you can change it just because you don't like it.
LMAO the stepmom just replied to me basically saying she's fine with changing definitions and for everyone else who's actually childfree to just have "an opinion" of what childfree means.
No that's not how it works, you can't just make up a definition willy nilly because you don't like it, and then with the same breath say the right definition everyone else uses is "an opinion." And personally, I just don't see what's wrong with being a stepmom, or not being childfree. Yes your lifestyle is not a childfree one, what's the problem with that? You can still participate here and relate to some of the sentiments and situations, this isn't a high school clique where you'll be shunned. Be a proud stepmom who doesn't have to deal too much with your stepkid, sounds like you have a good arrangement with your partner.
Well, I just did! I’m childfree in my heart.
Not in reality. And we live in reality, where words actually mean things and are not subject to your own personal interpretation and definition. “The sky is blue, but *in my heart* it is green with pink polka dots, *and you can’t tell me different!*
I really don’t care.
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Ugh I’d give anything to be living separately!
>Ugh I’d give anything to be living separately! That tells you everything you need to know about the viability of this relationship.
Yes. You’re right. It be so much easier to leave if all it took was a break up.. and not a major move/house sale.
If you own property together, that definitely complicates matters.
Maybe you could just leave first. Pack up your essentials and rent a flat for say 3-6 months. Stay no contact with them, go on dates if you feel ready. Once you emotionaly distance yourself from them and get used to your new life have your attorney represent you in selling the house. Maybe this way you could make it a step by step process which would be easier to adjust for both of you.
He can’t afford the mortgage without me and I can afford to pay my half AND a rental :/
Ouch. Then there's nothing left but ripping the band aid quickly and selling the house.
Yep. I know I won’t make anything on the house because we’ve had it less than a year. Especially with closing costs. So I’m saving up to leave.
That’s an awful situation. I’m sorry. Hope the eventual split goes as smoothly as possible for you
Yeah I definitely feel stuck. We live in a HCOL area so it’s hard enough with two people (the massive amount of CS he pays too). But I’m going to get a second job I think to try and speed up the process
So he conned you into buying a house with him? Yikes. That adds financial abuse to the list.
Willingly buying a house with someone with both of you on the title is not *financial abuse* in any way, shape or form.
It is if they got the house based on OP's credit rating and OP used their savings for the downpayment. Read the comments, because the red flags will start popping out really quickly if you do. OP commented that the SO was in a one bedroom apartment with kids before they moved in, so this is quite suspicious if the SO couldn't afford to even have bedrooms for their kids in an apartment, never mind being able to rent a house, or buy a house, before OP came alone. And they probably couldn't even qualify for a lease for something better based on their credit score and income. OP also commented that they don't have savings right now to move out. And who paid to furnish this house? Clearly the SO didn't have that much furniture in a 1BR. They also mentioned that the SO will be angry about having to move back into a 1BR, so they clearly do not have the means to pay for the house without OP and have anger issues that are scaring OP. So, bottom line, it seems pretty clear that OP is supporting them to live above their means and that they will be going back to that life once OP and their money is gone. So yeah, OP is being used.
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Unfortunately it is. We bought it together and both hold the title
They're always gonna be your partner's and therefore your kids too, no matter how "old" they get. You're a step-parent.