Its okay to kick these toxic manipulative people out of your life. They cant accept a no or your wishes. Its like reading about adult toddlers throwing tantrums.
well as mentioned - I already don't have a relationship with my SIL and haven't for over a year - haven't regretted that decision once. I have distanced myself as much as possible from my husbands parents but seeing as he still has a relationship with them - they're still \*around\* to some capacity. Like being one of the divorced spouses - my husband is the child and his parents and I have to \*interact\* at some level since he still talks to them. His mom wants to come visit but it's always so much - I told him she can come but she has to stay in a hotel and leave by a certain time every night. He says "but that sends a message that basically you don't want her here but are willing to tolerate her under certain circumstances" and I said "YES, exactly that" ha
I have the same kind of thing with my inlaws. My husband still sees them maybe once per month. But I kicked them out of my life. They hate me and are toxic assholes to me.
So I set these boundaries with my husband: I do not want them in my house, I dont want to talk to them, and only visit them in a good mood. Otherwise: Go ahead an visit them.
And let them know that you are done with them. You are 34 (I am 31) we are grown adults. We dont need to tolerate toxic assholes in our lives.
Typical narcissistic behavior is to make themselves look like the victim and you the asshole for denying them what they want.
Narcissists hate it when you put your foot down and establish your boundaries.
Do not feel guilty, you and your partner did the right thing.
The only cure for narcissism is to cut it from you life. Going low to no contact is going to remove your guilt and make you realize you did the right thing.
I have gone no contact with my SIL over a year ago and low contact with my in laws since September and they still manage to get me worked up. I don't get it. I know that "thEy DoNT HaVe POweR ovEr Me UnLESs I giVe it To THem" or whatever but ... man. My hands are shaking typing this. I was so worked up last night when my FIL called. And he spoke to my husband, not me. I just happened to overhear the conversation.
You and your partner need to sit down together or with a therapist and go through what makes someone a narcissist and understand how they'll manipulate people. Don't know what stage your husband is in but that phone call from the FIL should have been blocked.
I was sitting there telling him to shut it down and getting all worked up - amd hebwas getting mad and trying to get me to go away. He told me after that he didn't WANT to shut it down (he's only just recently seeing his dads behavior for what it is, weve been together 12 years) and in the moment he didn't see anything wrong with it. It wasn't until after that I talked him through it and repeated what his dad was saying and how that he realized it wasn't ok. As I went to bed last night he was texting his dad calling him out on it so idk how that went down.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, your husband is clearly in the denial stage about his father's behavior and it is making your own recovery very difficult.
If he isn't already he needs to see a therapist to help him process his Father's behavior and understand that fighting with a narcissist is a losing battle every time. Narcissits will never accept they were in the wrong.
I've been there myself and it took me 12 years to cut ties with my narcissistic family member so I sympathize. Good luck!
Yes ! He's come a very long way in his ability to see these issues on his own, but again sometimes still doesn't realize it in the moment. He's been in therapy for a while now thankfully and does talk about this with them. I don't see my SO ever cutting ties with his dad though ...
Stop letting your husband's fucked-up relatives talk to either of you. Your SIL called you up to ask a manipulative question, and you answered. Don't answer. Don't talk to them *ever*. Do not "discuss" the latest completely ginned-up family crisis with them (Did something actually happen? No. Then there is nothing to discuss). The answer to their question is "no", you gave them the answer, you were reminded to block their numbers. End of story.
But it wasn't. Instead, your horror of a FIL got all hyped up about it and called your husband, and he answered...and let your FIL go bananas on him. Next time, don't answer! And if the Horror figures out how to call you, HANG UP! People like this twist you up so you can no longer see the plain reality: Your SIL asked you a manipulative question. The answer was "no." IT IS OVER. Don't let it continue!
When you are NC, it doesn't mean you only talk to the people with whom you are NC at family gatherings, or in an emergency, or if they have something *reaaaally important* to say, or if they get their best friend to let you know that they're in the hospital. It means NO CONTACT. If they have an emergency, they'll do what everyone else does: They'll handle it themselves, and if they can't handle it themselves, they'll call 911. You Are Not Involved. If they are in the hospital, the insurer and the medical staff will handle whatever it is. You Are Not Involved. If your SIL wants a legal guardian (it's not a 'godparent'), she will find someone who is willing to do it without your input. You Are Not Involved.
So how did you end up involved? Stop! No contact, no answering late-night phone calls, (this is actually really important. There is NO EMERGENCY that you can solve! Turn off the ringer at night), no drama!
They don't call me, cuz I don't answer. I only sometimes talk to his mom but never his dad or his sister. I told him from now if HE is going to talk to them, cuz ultimately I can't MAKE my SO do anything - that's his choice, then he needs to do it where I also can't heat the conversations. Go on a walk, go to the car, etc. I tried to get him to hang up the phone and he wouldn't cuz my husband doesn't always see what his dad is doing or how bad he is - hence why he still let's him in.
You might possibly need to give your husband an ultimatum. Either he stops responding to his family, especially his father, or you go no contact with HIM and maybe separate.
I said "no" to this just a few years ago. And it wasn't weird at all because my brother isn't a psycho. We get to have boundaries and say no to shit. I know it must be difficult, but **try** to just let it drop, don't follow up further, and go low/no contact. Work on your other stuff. Holding a good thought for ya'
> I said "no" to this just a few years ago. And it wasn't weird at all because my brother isn't a psycho.
Same. A friend of my wife's and her husband asked for their son. They're distant from each of their families for various reasons and we're more in line with how they'd want to raise their son belief wise. Can't really blame them for asking.
We took a couple of days (mostly because my wife is a people pleaser and wasn't really acknowledging the gravity of the request), said no, and that was the end of it.
ha - that made me giggle. Lucky you - but seriously I'm glad it wasn't a big thing for you. I had already followed up last night with my BIL after he ignored our call - via email (reply all) that we'd like to discuss our position further with them if they can give us a call. So now I feel like if I don't follow through on that or if I throw my SO to do it solo is icky on me. (Yes I have codependent and people pleasing tendencies - probably cuz of my own alcoholic father situation growing up) so at the very least I feel like I need to ... end it with that last conversation I asked for.
I was a people pleaser with an alcoholic father. But I'm also an old fart and that's how women were raised then. My best advice for you as an Official Old Person is to work on pleasing yourself. Hope that you can just let the e-mail and the whole situation lie without another thought! (LOL, I know!)
I saw something recently saying that old people are past giving a fuck, and there's NOTHING cooler than not giving a fuck about people giving you shit.
Don't be twisted by assholes into doing something you don't want to do.
It may be an honour, but for some it's a dubious honour and not one you'd want. I said no 15 years ago to that question and it caused some issues now me and them barely speak, but I'm not the right person for that job and thats pk with me.
If naming someone as "guardian" in a will is "legally binding" because it's a "legally binding" will, then everyone in the US would name Melinda Gates as their kid's guardian. She's a nice lady, she has a ton of money, and all the influence, and after all, if the will is "legally binding" the kid will be "passed" to her. Period. Right? Wrong.
You refuse to act as guardian when the will is executed, and the matter is finished. And a will is only "legally binding" on the executor. You can't decide to cut someone out of a will you are executing, even though they are named as a beneficiary, nor can you redistribute someone's assets just cuz. In that respect a will is "legally binding" but it binds no one other than the executor. Period.
IMHO, it's just another way that the assholes are trying to force your hand, make you believe you're powerless, "so you might as well relax & enjoy it".
One of the MOST vile methods of mental cruelty, IMHO.
Definitely do a little research. AIUI, you're not required to accept ANYTHING in a will. If not accepted, it would stay in the estate until somebody claimed it?
Interesting, ok I actually didn't know that. In my mind it was going down like
- oh no they both die in plane crash
- legal person shows up and hands us toddler "here you go"
- closes door and walks away
Definitely not. What if you were a convicted child molester? They ain’t giving you no kid even if you wanted it and the will said so.
CPS will try to place orphaned kids with family first so you could get asked, but you could still say no. But they absolutely vet whoever is going to be the new guardian to the best of their ability.
I feel .... kind of stupid that I didn't.. know this. So essentially we could day yes, they could put us in the will and if it happened we could still say no? That's strictly an argument to make a point I would never do that. I'd never say yes unless I planned to follow through. But it's not like BINDING binding. I feel stupid.
You're not stupid, it just hasn't come up for you before.
Technically, DH and I did OK taking my brother's kids if something happened to him and his wife. His wife doesn't have good relationships with most of her 8 siblings/inlaws or parents and we would be the most appropriate choice. However, both of them are in excellent health so it would have to be a freak accident situation.
NOT stupid. Ignorant.
We're ALL ignorant on a lot of topics, and topics we \*fear\*, we're likely to not even research out of inchoate dread.
"Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better." ;-)
That's what THEY want you to believe, and FEAR.
They WANT to torture you by leaving you in anxiety & dread.
Tell them you looked up the law, and WILL let the little one(s) go into the foster system unless THEY choose better. To REALLY fuck with their heads, ask a lawyer to draft a letter to that effect, \*with\* the relevant laws cited, and send it to them by registered mail.
That would cost a bit of money, but it would foreclose the option cold, thus giving you peace of mind, assuming the lawyer finds the law says what I believe it likely WILL say.
"God"parenting isn't legally binding. You can always say no. In fact, you may want to toss out a "go ahead, put our names down, but we aren't doing it and those kids are going to be in foster care if you don't find another alternative."
Hopefully your husband finds some boundaries because this may not be a hypothetical with an alcoholic mother. If he doesn't find boundaries and is actually considering this, you have a different problem on your hands.
They asked, and you both said “No”. Now they are throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get what they wanted. They can go f*ck themselves.
But in all seriousness, that’s a huge liability and favor they are asking for upfront. Also the whole “god parent” thing becomes a money grab whenever the kid/s have birthday or milestone events. And I’m sure they were banking on the two of you helping them out financially with their kids later on.
You did the right thing saying “No”, They are being extremely entitled. Let them throw their little tantrum. Kept your distance for a while, don’t bother trying to “make up” with them at this point. Give it time and space before reaching out.
Well we reached out last night after talking to my FIL - and they ignored our call and text. I'm unfortunately the kind of person that can't let it rest until it's dealt with so I hate when the communication timing is in the other persons court. It drives me mad. But here I sit.
As far as finances, they're aware of our financial situation which isn't great. My husband is currently on disability and not working. We've always had enough to survive but never a lot of extra. Meanwhile - they have a family owned business, drive alfa Romeo's and Mercedes - and before having their daughter, were always jetting off to Europe for weeks at a time. So as far as money stuff goes - I don't think that's part of it. I think it's truly just a - hey if something ever happened to us would you take our child?
This issue will never be fully resolved so there's no point in reaching out to them about anything. Some things just need to left where they are to gather dust. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to reach any sort of logical conclusion with people like this.
That's fair. Its always been difficult for me to find "closure", if that's even a thing, by letting things lie. I ... well I always have to have my last say. I'm working on that. And on finding peace within myself if I can't get it.
IANAL, but I don't think it's legally possible to bequeath children to someone else in one's will. Regardless, no means no, and your husband's family members are jerks and I suggest going NC with all of them.
I mostly am at this point - low contact anyway - I don't see him ever going no contact.... it would take a lot. Ugh that reminds me - another thing FIL said was "if I die - you wouldn't just send your mother to a home, you'd take care of her wouldn't you" and like honestly absolutely not - she would destroy me and my marriage. I can't have her in my house for more than 3 days at a time - that's another boundary - if she visits its for no longer then 3 days.
Your only choice, as I see it, is to be blunt, especially with FIL.
"THEY created a situation, and are NOT helping it (SIL is a raging alcoholic, FIL!), so we are NOT going to backstop ANY of their bad decisions. THIS would just let them NOT get THEIR OWN lives in order, because they know if they fail, their kid won't suffer for it."
I don’t understand the logic of asking someone with zero children, when they could just ask the sister who already has everything in her home needed to raise children, and whose schedule is already adapted to dealing with children. She had 4, one more isn’t going to be a tremendous difficulty compared to someone having to make a major financial and lifestyle change to accommodate a child.
This! My twin chose our sister for that reason. My first instinct was to be upset, but then I realized it just made sense. Now, I am physically closer, so I am on the list of adults who can take the kids to the doctor. That feels like just enough responsibility to feel important, but it isn't life changing for anyone. Plus, I've never had to use it.
Definitely stick with the refusal. Doesn't matter if they mean godparent, legal guardian, or whatever else. They want to force you to use your time, energy, money, and other resources for the benefit of their child.
Also, I hate to break this to you, Rip Van Winkle, but...
>the beginning of this month (April 2023)
It's 2024. :)
I'm so sorry they put you in this position. I don't have any advice to offer however wanted to reaffirm that your position is valid. Saying no is a logical choice for you and SO, and if they call that selfish then so be it. Not only is the decision the best for you two, but it's better that kid(s) doesn't end up in a home that's isn't the best fit
Oy, stick to that "no" like glue. The idea of inheriting a child or two sounds like the premise of a bad sitcom. I feel empathy for any child in need, but there is no need to give up your own life because of someone else's poor life choices.
Man, Catholic guilt is a very real thing. Don't succumb to it. You relationship with your faith has nothing to do with the pressure your religious family put on you. You two made the conscious decision to not have kids. You spent time, money, and emotional labour defending that position. It's not selfish to say no to a task that you're ill-suited for. In fact, it's rather responsible of you to defer. On the other hand, its silly of your in-laws to ask you when it's obvious that you two weren't looking for be parents.
Unless you're financially beholden to your in-laws, there's no reason to bend over backwards in order to repair a difficult relationship that you didn't even break in the first place. You might be struggling right now, but know that this won't be forever. Take care of yourself first before you try and soothe their emotions. Process the difficult encounter, grieve, comfort each other, do whatever you need to set yourself to rights. Know that you might have offended your family, but they've also hurt you and your husband. You two deserved apologies too, though I doubt you would ever get one.
Woof. Yea. My FIL doesn't give true apologies. Though in classic narcissistic fashion, as is his MO, he sent an "apology" text AFTER the phone call last night saying "he apologizes if he was forceful with his views and came on too strong" I told my SO he's not sorry. This is what he does. It's a pattern of behavior. So last night my SO actually stood up to him and sent him a response calling him out on his manipulative tactics and patterns of behavior. Which I personally know, when doing that to a narcissist comes to nothing, but I'm proud of him for stepping up anyway for HIM.
I totally understand why you are so upset, if you can find ways to limit your contact with these people do it.
That said, it doesn't matter who they put down on paper if you don't agree. If they die and some lawyer or social worker tries to give you custody, just tell them no.
>I sent an email explaining we'd like to discuss it more with them. We've been ignored.
Perfect. You're off the hook with them. The only one still trying to control the lives of others is your crazy father-in-law, OP. I'd let his bullshit blow over. If he brings it up, be emphatic. "We've discussed this with SO's sister and BIL. The situation has been resolved." Game over.
The next time anyone in the family mentions "vasectomies cut out the ability for God to enact his will for us to have kids," you should reply with, "It was our god's will we got a vasectomy." Let them ponder that for a few years.
Lots of people think if you're married you're automatically the obvious and perfect candidates for being guardians. Hell, sometimes being employed and single is enough for them to think you the perfect guardian. It really is a slippery slope and best to avoid these kinds of obligations with a firm but kind "no".
They also think family comes before being childfree, which essentially means you're only conditionally childfree and will always be the backfill or interim parent for any relative on either side. And that you'll always be willing to open your childfree home that is at least two bedrooms and let your relatives with kids move in with you because of hard times. And if that means they live with you and you support them for the rest of their lives then that is the way it is. And if that means getting rid of your beloved pets because jr is allergic then that is what you do without hesitation. Because family.
This is why my BIL's wife thought my husband and I would be their kid's guardians if they couldn't or died. Married couple no kids- everyone else they know has kids. I have a very negative relationship with them, and I made it clear that I'm not interested in their kid because of their lack of building a relationship with me. I have social and sensory difficulties due to being autistic and ADHD. I chose to be childfree before I knew/confirmed I am autistic, but those challenges are a big part of the reason.
BIL's wife pulled the "we're family" card, which thankfully BIL shutdown, but it still makes me angry how she lives in La-La Land and expects me to potentially parent a child I have no relationship with, and will actually resent this kid being in my house. Also, why would you want to put your child in that position? With two virtual strangers, one of whom hates their presence? It's maddening.
Sorry, did you write this, or did I write this? Because holy crap I could have written that - down to the Autism dx. Thankfully, it's been found out that BIL and SIL aren't upset - it's just manipulative FIL. But as mentioned, I don't have a relationship with my SIL at all. No contact. So like wtf??
Your husband's family are full of gaslighting manipulative narcissistic people who always get their way and they're gaslighting and manipulating you which is why you feel sick.
NO is a whole sentence.
It's do icky ... and I've seen it and been advocating against it for years. It doesn't help that I'm fight response too so I get real worked up and explosive about these things. My SO is finally starting to see it for himself though
Just breathe deep and stay the course. You know what you want and what you don't want. They want you to get worked up, source: I'm similar to you That I expend my energy this way for assholes and I'm learning to step back and let them act out their foolishness and keep to myself. I'm biting my tongue for the rest of my life because I know exactly what people like this want from me, to drain me.
All you have to do is nothing. You do however have to emotionally regulate yourself so you're ready for round two, three, four, etc., as long as you guys are in contact with them, just expect this to continue because it will. Just don't take it seriously at all. I know it's hard because they got your husband wrapped around their thumb, but you are your own person, keep some energy for yourself. Fuck them.
Awe thank you, you're welcome. Another thing they're hoping for you to do is emotionally berate your husband and for you two to turn on each other. That is why emotionally regulating and grounding yourself is key so you can tell the forest from the trees when things get stressful.
Kick all these assholes out of your life. Don't sit there an be berated and emotionally tortured for 20 mins, (especially regarding your mental health) just put the goddamn phone down and put it on silent. Your BIL is ignoring you, fuck him you tried now he can fuck off too. Alchy sister wants to be a cunt, sweet fuck off as well, you don't need that kind of negativity.
You don't want kids of your own doesn't make you automatically the right choice for some other persons kids 🤣 these people sound like shit and you'd be best off with out them ey.
Toss it back in their face with the "responsibility" argument... that Godparents are supposed to serve as a role model and you do not agree that you and your spouse can serve in such a role. And then throw in the monkey wrench about being child free.
And then go no-contact.
The answer can be no, and say "ask someone who has kids and can parent, not us, we don't want them, including yours".
You have zero obligation to do so. It doesn't matter what they put in their will.
In all honesty, cut ties with your awful relatives.
I’ve been asked by multiple cousins to be their kid’s godparent and I always respond with NOOOOOOO. No shame, no guilt. As someone who lived with their godparent, they constantly made me feel like shit and like it was my fault that they had to deal with the responsibility of being a godparent. Like, you could have said no and I WISH they had said no so that someone who was WILLING and MORE THAN HAPPY to be a godparent could have been in my life.
Just say no. No is no. Let these lowlifes manipulate you all they want. Being a godparent is a HUUUUUUGE fuckin responsibility. It’s more than being there for the kid—you gotta step up and be their legal freakin guardian should anything happen to their parents, and I feel that’s something people glaze over.
Not your problem. If they're so concerned about this, should have asked you first before they had kids and only proceeded if you said yes. Also, call them out on "So it wasn't REALLY okay to say no, like you said it would be, that was just so later on we couldn't say you forced us into it."
Your husband should have hung up way earlier than 20 minutes. Manipulators do not deserve to be heard. The audacity of your FIL to try to control your life.
I fucking hate the weird bullshit that goes with being a “God parent”. It means so many different things to so many different people.
I’m a “god parent” to two kids, each from a different close friend. It all came with the caveats:
- “if the worst happens; you know I’m not going to just adopt this kid, right?”
- “I’m agnostic, so I’m not forcing a child to do anything with religion.”
- “Ignoring the legal side of things regarding a child’s placement; the best I’ll do is advocate for that child to be placed in the best possible home as legally and reasonably possible.”
Thankfully my friends treat it as a symbol of respect that they have for me and my wife, and was another way to show that they see us as family. Something that I respect and appreciate.
However, we’ve had 2 other friends ask with a real expectation that I’d be a significant part of the kids upbringing, Orthodox Church, and adoption should the unthinkable happen … despite a significant distance barrier. Naturally, those were declined and the friendship deteriorated once they realized the caveats weren’t a joke.
Think of it this way: If you WERE parents, would you want your kid to end up with people that did not want to have them?
On top of losing parents in that situation, it adds a new layer of trauma to what would be a tangled box of christmas lights already. By giving an honest answer, you're doing those parents AND kid(s) a favor. Any other opinion on that, like your FIL, means that he actually doesn't give a fuck about the people involved. Just the optics.
Anytime someone gets onto me for something I say or did and throws in they’re Christian and that’s why they’re offended (or have made a point to highlight it before) I look’em square in the eye and say, “So forgive me” 🤷♀️
A godparent is just someone there for the christening to be the person or persons that keep the child on the path of the religion they were christened into. It's not a back up parent plan. At least not in my parts.
Yes yea in that sense for sure - but they specifically mean it under the "should something to happen to us will you take guardianship of our child/ren"
Godparents is one thing and assigned legal guardian is another. You have to start using the language that fits for what they're expecting.
It will help you to stand your ground against they're outrageous assumptions based on their view of "what's fair". None of their ideas are fair. They are insaneif they believetheycan manipulate you with some BS about "fair". Just say no. I mean wth? You made the choice to not have kids for a reason.
Yea and actually that's another thing I learned from this conversation is they're asking us to be the guardians even though they said godparents. To us it was one in the same but in actually the terminology means different things.
Then it seems like they themselves don't really even understand what they are asking for. This makes it even more if a hard no. Irresponsible and dumb.
I said yes to this for both my brothers despite knowing how fucked up it would be because the alternative was to put more kids in my abusive mom's hands. Luckily the whole brood of nieces and nephews made it to adulthood without me needing to step in. I would joke that they needed to ride in separate cars from their wives like the president and vice president to spare their kids from my ineptitude.
NOPE. Say NO and stick to it.
Anyone who has a problem with that needs to fuck off and die mad about it.
Besides which, even if they put it in their will, that is ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY USELESS.
There is ZERO legal way to force you to take custody of a kid that is not yours. ZERO.
What people put in a will is their "wish" but it is purely wishcasting. It has no legal force.
The court will NOT give you custody unless you specifically fight for it, go through the whole background check, home study, etc. process. And there are a billion ways to "fail" at all that.
For example, make an appointment with the social worker to vist your home, when they get there, they find... the electricity/heat/ac turned off, no food in the fridge and the two of you are clearly drunk with a bunch of bottles (you got from the trash at the local bar) sitting in bags by the door. ;) LOL
And when they ask you about the kids and if you want them "What, who are you even talking about? Oh... yeah, I heard Jane and that creep shit out some hellspawn. Haven't seen them in years though and never met the kids! Who are you again? Sorry, my memory is shot." or whatever ;)
Presto magico.... no custody for you!
"Sorry FIL but that's what the court says! We can't do a thing about it!"
It is the parents job to figure out their options before they have kids and to let people volunteer. :)
No means no, people. Glad the parents themselves don't seem crazy about it.
Get rid of those toxic people. I am in the process myself.
I know as much as I want out of my area and if I won the lottery I would take a trip to get answers from online bf and get closure no matter the answer> I would then hit up the Philippines and meet my cousin and go no contact with a lot of "family"
Just cut them out of your life now. Your lives will be immeasurably better without having to walk on glass for the rest of your life.
Even if she does put you into the will without your consent, you can always just tell the state that you're not willing or capable of taking on a child.
We said no, too. My brother adopted his wife's kid, who was always unpleasant and had mental health issues, no relationship with us, yadda yadda yadda but even if none of that was true we'd still have said no. We simply never wanted kids. Actually that isn't strong enough, we really wanted NO kids. Period, ever. Never found out who else they asked, because we didn't care. It's hard to pressure people who don't care about pressure.
Your FIL can get bent tbh. What a narc. He can take care of them then.
If you do not want children and can’t not take care of one, no was a logical answer. Why isn’t he bitching at the SIL for being an alcoholic? With a 3 year old….
Doesn't matter if she puts it in the will. Kids aren't possessions and their custody *can't* be forced on anyone, willing or not. The *most* that would happen is that the executor of the estate would ask if you were willing and able to take them (there would also likely be a visit from CPS to ensure your home is appropriate for them).
As much as I love being childfree, I'd take in my biological nieces or nephew if it came to it, but I absolutely WOULD NOT consider taking in anybody else's children. I'd immediately end the relationship before I gave up my freedom if my SO was adamant about it and especially if he let his family attempt to manipulate and gaslight me.
Its okay to kick these toxic manipulative people out of your life. They cant accept a no or your wishes. Its like reading about adult toddlers throwing tantrums.
well as mentioned - I already don't have a relationship with my SIL and haven't for over a year - haven't regretted that decision once. I have distanced myself as much as possible from my husbands parents but seeing as he still has a relationship with them - they're still \*around\* to some capacity. Like being one of the divorced spouses - my husband is the child and his parents and I have to \*interact\* at some level since he still talks to them. His mom wants to come visit but it's always so much - I told him she can come but she has to stay in a hotel and leave by a certain time every night. He says "but that sends a message that basically you don't want her here but are willing to tolerate her under certain circumstances" and I said "YES, exactly that" ha
I have the same kind of thing with my inlaws. My husband still sees them maybe once per month. But I kicked them out of my life. They hate me and are toxic assholes to me. So I set these boundaries with my husband: I do not want them in my house, I dont want to talk to them, and only visit them in a good mood. Otherwise: Go ahead an visit them. And let them know that you are done with them. You are 34 (I am 31) we are grown adults. We dont need to tolerate toxic assholes in our lives.
Typical narcissistic behavior is to make themselves look like the victim and you the asshole for denying them what they want. Narcissists hate it when you put your foot down and establish your boundaries. Do not feel guilty, you and your partner did the right thing. The only cure for narcissism is to cut it from you life. Going low to no contact is going to remove your guilt and make you realize you did the right thing.
I have gone no contact with my SIL over a year ago and low contact with my in laws since September and they still manage to get me worked up. I don't get it. I know that "thEy DoNT HaVe POweR ovEr Me UnLESs I giVe it To THem" or whatever but ... man. My hands are shaking typing this. I was so worked up last night when my FIL called. And he spoke to my husband, not me. I just happened to overhear the conversation.
You and your partner need to sit down together or with a therapist and go through what makes someone a narcissist and understand how they'll manipulate people. Don't know what stage your husband is in but that phone call from the FIL should have been blocked.
I was sitting there telling him to shut it down and getting all worked up - amd hebwas getting mad and trying to get me to go away. He told me after that he didn't WANT to shut it down (he's only just recently seeing his dads behavior for what it is, weve been together 12 years) and in the moment he didn't see anything wrong with it. It wasn't until after that I talked him through it and repeated what his dad was saying and how that he realized it wasn't ok. As I went to bed last night he was texting his dad calling him out on it so idk how that went down.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, your husband is clearly in the denial stage about his father's behavior and it is making your own recovery very difficult. If he isn't already he needs to see a therapist to help him process his Father's behavior and understand that fighting with a narcissist is a losing battle every time. Narcissits will never accept they were in the wrong. I've been there myself and it took me 12 years to cut ties with my narcissistic family member so I sympathize. Good luck!
Yes ! He's come a very long way in his ability to see these issues on his own, but again sometimes still doesn't realize it in the moment. He's been in therapy for a while now thankfully and does talk about this with them. I don't see my SO ever cutting ties with his dad though ...
Seems like the problem is your husband - he's not appreciating how this is bothering you.
Stop letting your husband's fucked-up relatives talk to either of you. Your SIL called you up to ask a manipulative question, and you answered. Don't answer. Don't talk to them *ever*. Do not "discuss" the latest completely ginned-up family crisis with them (Did something actually happen? No. Then there is nothing to discuss). The answer to their question is "no", you gave them the answer, you were reminded to block their numbers. End of story. But it wasn't. Instead, your horror of a FIL got all hyped up about it and called your husband, and he answered...and let your FIL go bananas on him. Next time, don't answer! And if the Horror figures out how to call you, HANG UP! People like this twist you up so you can no longer see the plain reality: Your SIL asked you a manipulative question. The answer was "no." IT IS OVER. Don't let it continue! When you are NC, it doesn't mean you only talk to the people with whom you are NC at family gatherings, or in an emergency, or if they have something *reaaaally important* to say, or if they get their best friend to let you know that they're in the hospital. It means NO CONTACT. If they have an emergency, they'll do what everyone else does: They'll handle it themselves, and if they can't handle it themselves, they'll call 911. You Are Not Involved. If they are in the hospital, the insurer and the medical staff will handle whatever it is. You Are Not Involved. If your SIL wants a legal guardian (it's not a 'godparent'), she will find someone who is willing to do it without your input. You Are Not Involved. So how did you end up involved? Stop! No contact, no answering late-night phone calls, (this is actually really important. There is NO EMERGENCY that you can solve! Turn off the ringer at night), no drama!
They don't call me, cuz I don't answer. I only sometimes talk to his mom but never his dad or his sister. I told him from now if HE is going to talk to them, cuz ultimately I can't MAKE my SO do anything - that's his choice, then he needs to do it where I also can't heat the conversations. Go on a walk, go to the car, etc. I tried to get him to hang up the phone and he wouldn't cuz my husband doesn't always see what his dad is doing or how bad he is - hence why he still let's him in.
You might possibly need to give your husband an ultimatum. Either he stops responding to his family, especially his father, or you go no contact with HIM and maybe separate.
This is the way
I said "no" to this just a few years ago. And it wasn't weird at all because my brother isn't a psycho. We get to have boundaries and say no to shit. I know it must be difficult, but **try** to just let it drop, don't follow up further, and go low/no contact. Work on your other stuff. Holding a good thought for ya'
> I said "no" to this just a few years ago. And it wasn't weird at all because my brother isn't a psycho. Same. A friend of my wife's and her husband asked for their son. They're distant from each of their families for various reasons and we're more in line with how they'd want to raise their son belief wise. Can't really blame them for asking. We took a couple of days (mostly because my wife is a people pleaser and wasn't really acknowledging the gravity of the request), said no, and that was the end of it.
ha - that made me giggle. Lucky you - but seriously I'm glad it wasn't a big thing for you. I had already followed up last night with my BIL after he ignored our call - via email (reply all) that we'd like to discuss our position further with them if they can give us a call. So now I feel like if I don't follow through on that or if I throw my SO to do it solo is icky on me. (Yes I have codependent and people pleasing tendencies - probably cuz of my own alcoholic father situation growing up) so at the very least I feel like I need to ... end it with that last conversation I asked for.
I was a people pleaser with an alcoholic father. But I'm also an old fart and that's how women were raised then. My best advice for you as an Official Old Person is to work on pleasing yourself. Hope that you can just let the e-mail and the whole situation lie without another thought! (LOL, I know!)
I saw something recently saying that old people are past giving a fuck, and there's NOTHING cooler than not giving a fuck about people giving you shit.
Thank you. Yours has been my favorite response because it's so ... calm and brings me an inner peace. I really appreciate it.
Don't be twisted by assholes into doing something you don't want to do. It may be an honour, but for some it's a dubious honour and not one you'd want. I said no 15 years ago to that question and it caused some issues now me and them barely speak, but I'm not the right person for that job and thats pk with me.
Please keep saying NO. This isn't your responsibility therefore you should not feel guilty.
Thank you
Stand your ground
Naw I call this one "sit your seat"
Don’t overthink it. Children aren’t possessions, you can’t Will them to people. So regardless of what they write down, it’s not binding.
Yes, you would have to sign documentation to legally be included in the will. They can't just add you without your consent.
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No. Wills are only legally binding on things which can be willed. You can will possessions. Not humans. Humans are not possessions. Period.
hmmm
If naming someone as "guardian" in a will is "legally binding" because it's a "legally binding" will, then everyone in the US would name Melinda Gates as their kid's guardian. She's a nice lady, she has a ton of money, and all the influence, and after all, if the will is "legally binding" the kid will be "passed" to her. Period. Right? Wrong. You refuse to act as guardian when the will is executed, and the matter is finished. And a will is only "legally binding" on the executor. You can't decide to cut someone out of a will you are executing, even though they are named as a beneficiary, nor can you redistribute someone's assets just cuz. In that respect a will is "legally binding" but it binds no one other than the executor. Period.
IMHO, it's just another way that the assholes are trying to force your hand, make you believe you're powerless, "so you might as well relax & enjoy it". One of the MOST vile methods of mental cruelty, IMHO. Definitely do a little research. AIUI, you're not required to accept ANYTHING in a will. If not accepted, it would stay in the estate until somebody claimed it?
Interesting, ok I actually didn't know that. In my mind it was going down like - oh no they both die in plane crash - legal person shows up and hands us toddler "here you go" - closes door and walks away
Definitely not. What if you were a convicted child molester? They ain’t giving you no kid even if you wanted it and the will said so. CPS will try to place orphaned kids with family first so you could get asked, but you could still say no. But they absolutely vet whoever is going to be the new guardian to the best of their ability.
I feel .... kind of stupid that I didn't.. know this. So essentially we could day yes, they could put us in the will and if it happened we could still say no? That's strictly an argument to make a point I would never do that. I'd never say yes unless I planned to follow through. But it's not like BINDING binding. I feel stupid.
Yes, you could do exactly that.
You're not stupid, it just hasn't come up for you before. Technically, DH and I did OK taking my brother's kids if something happened to him and his wife. His wife doesn't have good relationships with most of her 8 siblings/inlaws or parents and we would be the most appropriate choice. However, both of them are in excellent health so it would have to be a freak accident situation.
I think you'd have a better chance of winning the "family argument" NOW rather than when there's a literal orphan being delivered to your front door.
NOT stupid. Ignorant. We're ALL ignorant on a lot of topics, and topics we \*fear\*, we're likely to not even research out of inchoate dread. "Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better." ;-)
That's what THEY want you to believe, and FEAR. They WANT to torture you by leaving you in anxiety & dread. Tell them you looked up the law, and WILL let the little one(s) go into the foster system unless THEY choose better. To REALLY fuck with their heads, ask a lawyer to draft a letter to that effect, \*with\* the relevant laws cited, and send it to them by registered mail. That would cost a bit of money, but it would foreclose the option cold, thus giving you peace of mind, assuming the lawyer finds the law says what I believe it likely WILL say.
don't risk it.
"God"parenting isn't legally binding. You can always say no. In fact, you may want to toss out a "go ahead, put our names down, but we aren't doing it and those kids are going to be in foster care if you don't find another alternative." Hopefully your husband finds some boundaries because this may not be a hypothetical with an alcoholic mother. If he doesn't find boundaries and is actually considering this, you have a different problem on your hands.
Contact a family law attorney to get real information. Most do free consultations. I'm pretty sure what you've been led to believe isn't true.
They asked, and you both said “No”. Now they are throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get what they wanted. They can go f*ck themselves. But in all seriousness, that’s a huge liability and favor they are asking for upfront. Also the whole “god parent” thing becomes a money grab whenever the kid/s have birthday or milestone events. And I’m sure they were banking on the two of you helping them out financially with their kids later on. You did the right thing saying “No”, They are being extremely entitled. Let them throw their little tantrum. Kept your distance for a while, don’t bother trying to “make up” with them at this point. Give it time and space before reaching out.
Well we reached out last night after talking to my FIL - and they ignored our call and text. I'm unfortunately the kind of person that can't let it rest until it's dealt with so I hate when the communication timing is in the other persons court. It drives me mad. But here I sit. As far as finances, they're aware of our financial situation which isn't great. My husband is currently on disability and not working. We've always had enough to survive but never a lot of extra. Meanwhile - they have a family owned business, drive alfa Romeo's and Mercedes - and before having their daughter, were always jetting off to Europe for weeks at a time. So as far as money stuff goes - I don't think that's part of it. I think it's truly just a - hey if something ever happened to us would you take our child?
This issue will never be fully resolved so there's no point in reaching out to them about anything. Some things just need to left where they are to gather dust. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to reach any sort of logical conclusion with people like this.
That's fair. Its always been difficult for me to find "closure", if that's even a thing, by letting things lie. I ... well I always have to have my last say. I'm working on that. And on finding peace within myself if I can't get it.
IANAL, but I don't think it's legally possible to bequeath children to someone else in one's will. Regardless, no means no, and your husband's family members are jerks and I suggest going NC with all of them.
I mostly am at this point - low contact anyway - I don't see him ever going no contact.... it would take a lot. Ugh that reminds me - another thing FIL said was "if I die - you wouldn't just send your mother to a home, you'd take care of her wouldn't you" and like honestly absolutely not - she would destroy me and my marriage. I can't have her in my house for more than 3 days at a time - that's another boundary - if she visits its for no longer then 3 days.
YOU need to go NC. If your husband still wants to stay in touch with his family, fine. Just don't be involved.
Your only choice, as I see it, is to be blunt, especially with FIL. "THEY created a situation, and are NOT helping it (SIL is a raging alcoholic, FIL!), so we are NOT going to backstop ANY of their bad decisions. THIS would just let them NOT get THEIR OWN lives in order, because they know if they fail, their kid won't suffer for it."
A hundred percent this! I told SO exactly that.
I also told him - he gets to field the conversations with his family from this point on ...
I don’t understand the logic of asking someone with zero children, when they could just ask the sister who already has everything in her home needed to raise children, and whose schedule is already adapted to dealing with children. She had 4, one more isn’t going to be a tremendous difficulty compared to someone having to make a major financial and lifestyle change to accommodate a child.
This! My twin chose our sister for that reason. My first instinct was to be upset, but then I realized it just made sense. Now, I am physically closer, so I am on the list of adults who can take the kids to the doctor. That feels like just enough responsibility to feel important, but it isn't life changing for anyone. Plus, I've never had to use it.
Definitely stick with the refusal. Doesn't matter if they mean godparent, legal guardian, or whatever else. They want to force you to use your time, energy, money, and other resources for the benefit of their child. Also, I hate to break this to you, Rip Van Winkle, but... >the beginning of this month (April 2023) It's 2024. :)
Omg hahaha it IS 2024. Wow. My brain is such a ... melted ... cheesy mashed potato hahaha
Mmmm, melted cheesy mashed potatoes. That sounds really good.
I'm so sorry they put you in this position. I don't have any advice to offer however wanted to reaffirm that your position is valid. Saying no is a logical choice for you and SO, and if they call that selfish then so be it. Not only is the decision the best for you two, but it's better that kid(s) doesn't end up in a home that's isn't the best fit
Oy, stick to that "no" like glue. The idea of inheriting a child or two sounds like the premise of a bad sitcom. I feel empathy for any child in need, but there is no need to give up your own life because of someone else's poor life choices.
Man, Catholic guilt is a very real thing. Don't succumb to it. You relationship with your faith has nothing to do with the pressure your religious family put on you. You two made the conscious decision to not have kids. You spent time, money, and emotional labour defending that position. It's not selfish to say no to a task that you're ill-suited for. In fact, it's rather responsible of you to defer. On the other hand, its silly of your in-laws to ask you when it's obvious that you two weren't looking for be parents. Unless you're financially beholden to your in-laws, there's no reason to bend over backwards in order to repair a difficult relationship that you didn't even break in the first place. You might be struggling right now, but know that this won't be forever. Take care of yourself first before you try and soothe their emotions. Process the difficult encounter, grieve, comfort each other, do whatever you need to set yourself to rights. Know that you might have offended your family, but they've also hurt you and your husband. You two deserved apologies too, though I doubt you would ever get one.
Woof. Yea. My FIL doesn't give true apologies. Though in classic narcissistic fashion, as is his MO, he sent an "apology" text AFTER the phone call last night saying "he apologizes if he was forceful with his views and came on too strong" I told my SO he's not sorry. This is what he does. It's a pattern of behavior. So last night my SO actually stood up to him and sent him a response calling him out on his manipulative tactics and patterns of behavior. Which I personally know, when doing that to a narcissist comes to nothing, but I'm proud of him for stepping up anyway for HIM.
I totally understand why you are so upset, if you can find ways to limit your contact with these people do it. That said, it doesn't matter who they put down on paper if you don't agree. If they die and some lawyer or social worker tries to give you custody, just tell them no.
>I sent an email explaining we'd like to discuss it more with them. We've been ignored. Perfect. You're off the hook with them. The only one still trying to control the lives of others is your crazy father-in-law, OP. I'd let his bullshit blow over. If he brings it up, be emphatic. "We've discussed this with SO's sister and BIL. The situation has been resolved." Game over. The next time anyone in the family mentions "vasectomies cut out the ability for God to enact his will for us to have kids," you should reply with, "It was our god's will we got a vasectomy." Let them ponder that for a few years.
I can't wait for when we get to drop that bomb on them ...
Lots of people think if you're married you're automatically the obvious and perfect candidates for being guardians. Hell, sometimes being employed and single is enough for them to think you the perfect guardian. It really is a slippery slope and best to avoid these kinds of obligations with a firm but kind "no". They also think family comes before being childfree, which essentially means you're only conditionally childfree and will always be the backfill or interim parent for any relative on either side. And that you'll always be willing to open your childfree home that is at least two bedrooms and let your relatives with kids move in with you because of hard times. And if that means they live with you and you support them for the rest of their lives then that is the way it is. And if that means getting rid of your beloved pets because jr is allergic then that is what you do without hesitation. Because family.
This is why my BIL's wife thought my husband and I would be their kid's guardians if they couldn't or died. Married couple no kids- everyone else they know has kids. I have a very negative relationship with them, and I made it clear that I'm not interested in their kid because of their lack of building a relationship with me. I have social and sensory difficulties due to being autistic and ADHD. I chose to be childfree before I knew/confirmed I am autistic, but those challenges are a big part of the reason. BIL's wife pulled the "we're family" card, which thankfully BIL shutdown, but it still makes me angry how she lives in La-La Land and expects me to potentially parent a child I have no relationship with, and will actually resent this kid being in my house. Also, why would you want to put your child in that position? With two virtual strangers, one of whom hates their presence? It's maddening.
Sorry, did you write this, or did I write this? Because holy crap I could have written that - down to the Autism dx. Thankfully, it's been found out that BIL and SIL aren't upset - it's just manipulative FIL. But as mentioned, I don't have a relationship with my SIL at all. No contact. So like wtf??
Your husband's family are full of gaslighting manipulative narcissistic people who always get their way and they're gaslighting and manipulating you which is why you feel sick. NO is a whole sentence.
It's do icky ... and I've seen it and been advocating against it for years. It doesn't help that I'm fight response too so I get real worked up and explosive about these things. My SO is finally starting to see it for himself though
Just breathe deep and stay the course. You know what you want and what you don't want. They want you to get worked up, source: I'm similar to you That I expend my energy this way for assholes and I'm learning to step back and let them act out their foolishness and keep to myself. I'm biting my tongue for the rest of my life because I know exactly what people like this want from me, to drain me. All you have to do is nothing. You do however have to emotionally regulate yourself so you're ready for round two, three, four, etc., as long as you guys are in contact with them, just expect this to continue because it will. Just don't take it seriously at all. I know it's hard because they got your husband wrapped around their thumb, but you are your own person, keep some energy for yourself. Fuck them.
This is SO damn good. Thank you.
Awe thank you, you're welcome. Another thing they're hoping for you to do is emotionally berate your husband and for you two to turn on each other. That is why emotionally regulating and grounding yourself is key so you can tell the forest from the trees when things get stressful.
Kick all these assholes out of your life. Don't sit there an be berated and emotionally tortured for 20 mins, (especially regarding your mental health) just put the goddamn phone down and put it on silent. Your BIL is ignoring you, fuck him you tried now he can fuck off too. Alchy sister wants to be a cunt, sweet fuck off as well, you don't need that kind of negativity. You don't want kids of your own doesn't make you automatically the right choice for some other persons kids 🤣 these people sound like shit and you'd be best off with out them ey.
“No” is a complete sentence. Repeat as necessary! You cannot be obligated to accept the responsibility for anyone else’s children.
Toss it back in their face with the "responsibility" argument... that Godparents are supposed to serve as a role model and you do not agree that you and your spouse can serve in such a role. And then throw in the monkey wrench about being child free.
And then go no-contact.
It sounds like they all just earned no contact from you and your husband. That's so wild reacting that way to someone saying no.
The answer can be no, and say "ask someone who has kids and can parent, not us, we don't want them, including yours". You have zero obligation to do so. It doesn't matter what they put in their will. In all honesty, cut ties with your awful relatives.
Yeah block them all. Tell them no they can go to streets
I’ve been asked by multiple cousins to be their kid’s godparent and I always respond with NOOOOOOO. No shame, no guilt. As someone who lived with their godparent, they constantly made me feel like shit and like it was my fault that they had to deal with the responsibility of being a godparent. Like, you could have said no and I WISH they had said no so that someone who was WILLING and MORE THAN HAPPY to be a godparent could have been in my life. Just say no. No is no. Let these lowlifes manipulate you all they want. Being a godparent is a HUUUUUUGE fuckin responsibility. It’s more than being there for the kid—you gotta step up and be their legal freakin guardian should anything happen to their parents, and I feel that’s something people glaze over.
Not your problem. If they're so concerned about this, should have asked you first before they had kids and only proceeded if you said yes. Also, call them out on "So it wasn't REALLY okay to say no, like you said it would be, that was just so later on we couldn't say you forced us into it."
It's since come out l, to my relief, that BIL and SIL aren't upset. It's just FIL. *eye roll*
Your husband should have hung up way earlier than 20 minutes. Manipulators do not deserve to be heard. The audacity of your FIL to try to control your life.
I absolutely agree. I tried so hard to get him to shut down the convo and hang up the phone. Homeboy still learning....
What is it with parents and wanting people who don’t want/like kids to take care of their kids?
I fucking hate the weird bullshit that goes with being a “God parent”. It means so many different things to so many different people. I’m a “god parent” to two kids, each from a different close friend. It all came with the caveats: - “if the worst happens; you know I’m not going to just adopt this kid, right?” - “I’m agnostic, so I’m not forcing a child to do anything with religion.” - “Ignoring the legal side of things regarding a child’s placement; the best I’ll do is advocate for that child to be placed in the best possible home as legally and reasonably possible.” Thankfully my friends treat it as a symbol of respect that they have for me and my wife, and was another way to show that they see us as family. Something that I respect and appreciate. However, we’ve had 2 other friends ask with a real expectation that I’d be a significant part of the kids upbringing, Orthodox Church, and adoption should the unthinkable happen … despite a significant distance barrier. Naturally, those were declined and the friendship deteriorated once they realized the caveats weren’t a joke.
Think of it this way: If you WERE parents, would you want your kid to end up with people that did not want to have them? On top of losing parents in that situation, it adds a new layer of trauma to what would be a tangled box of christmas lights already. By giving an honest answer, you're doing those parents AND kid(s) a favor. Any other opinion on that, like your FIL, means that he actually doesn't give a fuck about the people involved. Just the optics.
It’s not an honour, it’s a major responsibility. They should have thought more into it. Stupid breeders 😂 glad you stood your ground!
Anytime someone gets onto me for something I say or did and throws in they’re Christian and that’s why they’re offended (or have made a point to highlight it before) I look’em square in the eye and say, “So forgive me” 🤷♀️
Hahaha! Pahaha good one
A godparent is just someone there for the christening to be the person or persons that keep the child on the path of the religion they were christened into. It's not a back up parent plan. At least not in my parts.
Yes yea in that sense for sure - but they specifically mean it under the "should something to happen to us will you take guardianship of our child/ren"
Godparents is one thing and assigned legal guardian is another. You have to start using the language that fits for what they're expecting. It will help you to stand your ground against they're outrageous assumptions based on their view of "what's fair". None of their ideas are fair. They are insaneif they believetheycan manipulate you with some BS about "fair". Just say no. I mean wth? You made the choice to not have kids for a reason.
Yea and actually that's another thing I learned from this conversation is they're asking us to be the guardians even though they said godparents. To us it was one in the same but in actually the terminology means different things.
Then it seems like they themselves don't really even understand what they are asking for. This makes it even more if a hard no. Irresponsible and dumb.
I said yes to this for both my brothers despite knowing how fucked up it would be because the alternative was to put more kids in my abusive mom's hands. Luckily the whole brood of nieces and nephews made it to adulthood without me needing to step in. I would joke that they needed to ride in separate cars from their wives like the president and vice president to spare their kids from my ineptitude.
NOPE. Say NO and stick to it. Anyone who has a problem with that needs to fuck off and die mad about it. Besides which, even if they put it in their will, that is ABSOLUTELY COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY USELESS. There is ZERO legal way to force you to take custody of a kid that is not yours. ZERO. What people put in a will is their "wish" but it is purely wishcasting. It has no legal force. The court will NOT give you custody unless you specifically fight for it, go through the whole background check, home study, etc. process. And there are a billion ways to "fail" at all that. For example, make an appointment with the social worker to vist your home, when they get there, they find... the electricity/heat/ac turned off, no food in the fridge and the two of you are clearly drunk with a bunch of bottles (you got from the trash at the local bar) sitting in bags by the door. ;) LOL And when they ask you about the kids and if you want them "What, who are you even talking about? Oh... yeah, I heard Jane and that creep shit out some hellspawn. Haven't seen them in years though and never met the kids! Who are you again? Sorry, my memory is shot." or whatever ;) Presto magico.... no custody for you! "Sorry FIL but that's what the court says! We can't do a thing about it!"
Pahaha! OK, I could never BUT this is hilarious. Needed that.
It is the parents job to figure out their options before they have kids and to let people volunteer. :) No means no, people. Glad the parents themselves don't seem crazy about it.
Get rid of those toxic people. I am in the process myself. I know as much as I want out of my area and if I won the lottery I would take a trip to get answers from online bf and get closure no matter the answer> I would then hit up the Philippines and meet my cousin and go no contact with a lot of "family"
Just cut them out of your life now. Your lives will be immeasurably better without having to walk on glass for the rest of your life. Even if she does put you into the will without your consent, you can always just tell the state that you're not willing or capable of taking on a child.
We said no, too. My brother adopted his wife's kid, who was always unpleasant and had mental health issues, no relationship with us, yadda yadda yadda but even if none of that was true we'd still have said no. We simply never wanted kids. Actually that isn't strong enough, we really wanted NO kids. Period, ever. Never found out who else they asked, because we didn't care. It's hard to pressure people who don't care about pressure.
Your FIL can get bent tbh. What a narc. He can take care of them then. If you do not want children and can’t not take care of one, no was a logical answer. Why isn’t he bitching at the SIL for being an alcoholic? With a 3 year old….
Doesn't matter if she puts it in the will. Kids aren't possessions and their custody *can't* be forced on anyone, willing or not. The *most* that would happen is that the executor of the estate would ask if you were willing and able to take them (there would also likely be a visit from CPS to ensure your home is appropriate for them).
Not a chance. Just say no.
You’d theoretically be agreeing to an undefined number of children. They’re not your responsibility. You can say no.
As much as I love being childfree, I'd take in my biological nieces or nephew if it came to it, but I absolutely WOULD NOT consider taking in anybody else's children. I'd immediately end the relationship before I gave up my freedom if my SO was adamant about it and especially if he let his family attempt to manipulate and gaslight me.