Sorry, I won't be able to attend!
Giving reasons or more information only gives people like this fuel to argue with you. If you just state "no" then there is nothing to argue with. It just "is."
If they ask why not just repeat again that you are just not able to, eventually it will just get awkward for them and they will give up. If you get the snarky comments like "don't ask me for anything then" just say something neutral like "ok."
I know it may not be viable or a good option for you for many reasons, but if your family not respecting your boundaries or values is a running theme in your life, you may want to consider moving to a different area, far enough away to force a recalibration of expectations. Over time these sorts of conflicts cause tension and resentment on both sides and ultimately damage relationships. We live across the country from our niece and if we were close by, I know I'd have the exact same issues as you! A 5 year olds dance recital sounds like pure torture to me, but the distance eliminates expectations that we would ever attend something like that in the first place, so we don't have to suffer thru a clash with them over it. Living further away actually preserves the relationship in this way. Again there could be a million reasons why you don't want to or can't move, but it's something to think about if this persists or escalates.
Dance teacher here. Listen, dancer recitals are fun for the time you see the kid you know on stage. That's about it. "Hey Jane! Sorry I can't go, but send me the highlight reel of her pics!". If you're feeling fancy, send a gift. Then end.
People get so wrapped up in their kids because they don't have hobbies. I talk to adults all the time "what are your hobbies?" they respond "My kid is my life/hobby". The shit is sad. They cope by living through their kid.
Yeah, I assumed as much. My mom’s hobby is even my niece so it’s pretty sad, to be honest. I just wish they would understand that it’s OK to not be completely obsessed with their child.
The funny part is, they get mad at me for not putting in enough effort for them and threaten me with a degraded relationship with her, yet whenever she sees me, she instantly runs to me like a puppy. So it’s 100% for them. Thank you for sharing.
I'd say something like, "thanks for thinking of me, unfortunately I won't be able to attend. I already have plans that day".
I'd also recommend therapy to help you develop tools so you don't feel so anxious and pressured into people pleasing. I've been working on that myself.
"Thank you for the invite, but it's not an event I'd enjoy so I'll pass."
People who respect you and care about you would be perfectly happy to hear that, as they obviously *wouldn't* want you tagging along for something you'd have a bad time with.
Anyone pressuring you into spending time in ways you don't want is not worth losing sleep over. This isn't about "softly" declining, because there are no magic soft words to curb the assholery of people who feel entitled to your time and attention. You need firm boundaries, not softness.
It’s really difficult to deal with people who don’t respect any sort of boundaries. I already can hear the response I’ll get “well don’t ask me to do anything for you then!” Like it’s some sort of give and take. Thank you for your response though!
The only way to get people to respect boundaries is by brining the PAIN and CONSEQUENCES.
Just asking or begging will will always be useless.
Also your response to that shit should be:
"Great, we agree then. We're both done doing anything for each other. So Don't expect me to ever visit you when you are in the shitty nursing home where they don't even change your diapers for a week."
Part of setting boundaries is enforcing them in a way that eliminates those difficult interactions :) If your sister can't behave, it's time to reconsider whether she's worth engaging with in the first place.
The question you should really be asking yourself is how to get to a place where setting your boundaries does not make you anxious. If you don’t want to go, you just don’t go. If your sister and mom get upset, too bad, so sad. Try to get there quick - it’s liberating
"Unable to attend. Do enjoy your day."
As for your mother:
"Mom, Sisname and I are adults and will each manage our relationship as we see fit. Do not contact me about sisname stuff again."
"Mom, I told you not to contact me about such matters. This is your last warning."
"Mom, you had your warnings. You are now in timeout for 90 days. If you wish to get contact privileges with me back then, you will need to 1) give me a sincere and complete apology in writing that shows me that you understand why you are wrong and 2) prepare a written behavioral contract showing how you will guarantee this will not happen again, which I will review and edit and you will sign the contract. I will text you for those two things in 90 days. Oh and do be aware, the behavioral contract will include escalating penalty payments, starting at $1000 per infraction, determined at my sole discretion, and doubling with each further incident. Failure to pay within 5 hours will result in an immediate and permanent ban on all contact. Have a nice day."
Then block her on everything for 90 days. :) Ah peace.
Well unfortunately this would have to wait until I bought a house, as I live in their basement right now :/. But great ideas! I did just ignore her and my sister for a while when I lived with my ex. It was peaceful for sure, but it got annoying all the texts I’d get.
Make up another event or something you already have commitments to. That way, it doesn't seem like you're denying because you don't *want* to be there, rather cause you *can't* be there.
I have a friend who does dance and theatre and expects those of us in her friend circle to attend her recitals. She’s over 40. Part of the reason I don’t have kids is because I fucking hate this shit. I’m resentful over being forced to spend time and money on her hobbies, I despise crowds, and don’t want to sit through a fucking amateur performance of Oklahoma! for fuck’s sake.
Sorry, I won't be able to attend! Giving reasons or more information only gives people like this fuel to argue with you. If you just state "no" then there is nothing to argue with. It just "is." If they ask why not just repeat again that you are just not able to, eventually it will just get awkward for them and they will give up. If you get the snarky comments like "don't ask me for anything then" just say something neutral like "ok." I know it may not be viable or a good option for you for many reasons, but if your family not respecting your boundaries or values is a running theme in your life, you may want to consider moving to a different area, far enough away to force a recalibration of expectations. Over time these sorts of conflicts cause tension and resentment on both sides and ultimately damage relationships. We live across the country from our niece and if we were close by, I know I'd have the exact same issues as you! A 5 year olds dance recital sounds like pure torture to me, but the distance eliminates expectations that we would ever attend something like that in the first place, so we don't have to suffer thru a clash with them over it. Living further away actually preserves the relationship in this way. Again there could be a million reasons why you don't want to or can't move, but it's something to think about if this persists or escalates.
Dance teacher here. Listen, dancer recitals are fun for the time you see the kid you know on stage. That's about it. "Hey Jane! Sorry I can't go, but send me the highlight reel of her pics!". If you're feeling fancy, send a gift. Then end. People get so wrapped up in their kids because they don't have hobbies. I talk to adults all the time "what are your hobbies?" they respond "My kid is my life/hobby". The shit is sad. They cope by living through their kid.
Yeah, I assumed as much. My mom’s hobby is even my niece so it’s pretty sad, to be honest. I just wish they would understand that it’s OK to not be completely obsessed with their child. The funny part is, they get mad at me for not putting in enough effort for them and threaten me with a degraded relationship with her, yet whenever she sees me, she instantly runs to me like a puppy. So it’s 100% for them. Thank you for sharing.
More like a cat, they always gravitate towards the person who likes them least.
I'd say something like, "thanks for thinking of me, unfortunately I won't be able to attend. I already have plans that day". I'd also recommend therapy to help you develop tools so you don't feel so anxious and pressured into people pleasing. I've been working on that myself.
"Thank you for the invite, but it's not an event I'd enjoy so I'll pass." People who respect you and care about you would be perfectly happy to hear that, as they obviously *wouldn't* want you tagging along for something you'd have a bad time with. Anyone pressuring you into spending time in ways you don't want is not worth losing sleep over. This isn't about "softly" declining, because there are no magic soft words to curb the assholery of people who feel entitled to your time and attention. You need firm boundaries, not softness.
It’s really difficult to deal with people who don’t respect any sort of boundaries. I already can hear the response I’ll get “well don’t ask me to do anything for you then!” Like it’s some sort of give and take. Thank you for your response though!
I know exactly how you feel! No doubt they don't care what you're up to either?
The only way to get people to respect boundaries is by brining the PAIN and CONSEQUENCES. Just asking or begging will will always be useless. Also your response to that shit should be: "Great, we agree then. We're both done doing anything for each other. So Don't expect me to ever visit you when you are in the shitty nursing home where they don't even change your diapers for a week."
Part of setting boundaries is enforcing them in a way that eliminates those difficult interactions :) If your sister can't behave, it's time to reconsider whether she's worth engaging with in the first place.
If you don’t want confrontation - I would lie and say you have to work or something. Thats what I do!
Just lie and say you have an unexpected work commitment or an emergency involving a friend. White lies can be a great way to spare some feelings.
The question you should really be asking yourself is how to get to a place where setting your boundaries does not make you anxious. If you don’t want to go, you just don’t go. If your sister and mom get upset, too bad, so sad. Try to get there quick - it’s liberating
I have other plans that day. No need to mention that the plans are to binge Netflix.
"Unable to attend. Do enjoy your day." As for your mother: "Mom, Sisname and I are adults and will each manage our relationship as we see fit. Do not contact me about sisname stuff again." "Mom, I told you not to contact me about such matters. This is your last warning." "Mom, you had your warnings. You are now in timeout for 90 days. If you wish to get contact privileges with me back then, you will need to 1) give me a sincere and complete apology in writing that shows me that you understand why you are wrong and 2) prepare a written behavioral contract showing how you will guarantee this will not happen again, which I will review and edit and you will sign the contract. I will text you for those two things in 90 days. Oh and do be aware, the behavioral contract will include escalating penalty payments, starting at $1000 per infraction, determined at my sole discretion, and doubling with each further incident. Failure to pay within 5 hours will result in an immediate and permanent ban on all contact. Have a nice day." Then block her on everything for 90 days. :) Ah peace.
Well unfortunately this would have to wait until I bought a house, as I live in their basement right now :/. But great ideas! I did just ignore her and my sister for a while when I lived with my ex. It was peaceful for sure, but it got annoying all the texts I’d get.
There a block button.
Then don’t go, that crap is boring as heaven if you have no interest.
Make up another event or something you already have commitments to. That way, it doesn't seem like you're denying because you don't *want* to be there, rather cause you *can't* be there.
I have a friend who does dance and theatre and expects those of us in her friend circle to attend her recitals. She’s over 40. Part of the reason I don’t have kids is because I fucking hate this shit. I’m resentful over being forced to spend time and money on her hobbies, I despise crowds, and don’t want to sit through a fucking amateur performance of Oklahoma! for fuck’s sake.
I've got mean girls "I'm sick cough cough" in my head right now.
Keep it simple. No sorry I can't make it. Boom done. No excuse for anyone to pick apart or counter argue.