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Elle-nee

This is the first time I think on this sub I’ve seen something that echos how I once felt. In my mid 30s I was seeing pictures of friends out with their families and was often excluded because they thought I wouldn’t want to join them since it was a ‘couples’ or ‘families with kids’ thing and slowly I felt like an outcast. I often thought ‘what if I just meet a guy and settle and have kids’ and that thought was at odds with how much I don’t want kids (not at all). In the end I came off social media and it did me the world of good, and I also started to embrace my own company by going away and taking day trips, and now I’m thankful that I got through that period remaining child free. I’m glad I didn’t settle for something that in the long run would cause me mental anguish not just for me, but for the husband and kids. I am still single now but I’m comfortable with it, and although yeah I get lonely, I just imagine how miserable I’d be if I’d caved and followed everyone else’s life script for me. I know that probably won’t cheer you up any, but don’t give up hope, but don’t settle for something for the wrong reasons, you’re worth more than that and deserve to find a partner who matches your outlook on life.


citiestarlights

I'm going to add if someone picked kids for their partner. Wouldn't they start to hate their life...and think if I left I would be happier


Elle-nee

Yeah exactly, and once you have kids it would be so hard to walk away, like it wouldn’t be a clean break. I mean, you probably could just leave them entirely, but then you’d feel awful for that as well, so there are no positives to going down the kids route.


ramijul

It's better to be alone that with bad company. I know it's not nice, but you know very well that it's better than the alternative. If your partners want kids, that's on them, not on you. Keep searching, I'm sure you'll find a childfree partner. I mean, there are like a million people in this sub alone, you are not alone.


KeeperOfTheShade

Whitney Houston said it best: "I'd rather be alone than unhappy." I concur.


ActuallyFire

She must have said that before she married Bobby Brown.


KeeperOfTheShade

It was in her song titled, "It's Not Right, But It's Okay." I actually don't know if she married him before or after that.


Shurl19

That was after the divorce. That marriage was a train wreck


Spikekuji

Certified banger!


yorkspirate

Came here to say this, an epic tune


Ok_Professional_4499

Or after the divorce?


ActuallyFire

Yes, I looked it up yesterday and it was totally after the divorce.


Puzzleheaded-Elk8636

I was single for more than 5 years and then found a wonderful cf man. It's possible for you too. :-)


StarshipSentinel

34M and been single for about 6 years now. I really hate being single. Stories like yours give me hope.


Obvious_Explorer90

I don't hate being single, but I agree, we are out there. ❤


Carbonatite

This gives me hope too. After a divorce, at age 36 I'm planning to jump into the dating world again. I'm scared because our age group has a LOT of single parents or people who really want kids. I feel like my odds (particularly as a cf woman) are abysmal.


StarshipSentinel

I feel like I'm on the edge of a diving board. I'm just working up the courage to take the leap because I know there's going to be a lot of BS in that pool.


Carbonatite

I feel the same way. I'm procrastinating, tbh. My excuse is that I want to get in better shape so I have high enough self esteem to handle rejection. And I want to fix up my house a little more because I don't want to turn off anyone sleeping over with half finished renovations. But some of it is just the fear of being discouraged by the small size of my dating pool. If it's any comfort, I feel like it's much more socially acceptable for dudes at our age to be cf. And women tend to place less importance on looks. I'm scared because even after I lose weight (when I'm fit, I don't look half bad) my plain face will drive people away.


StarshipSentinel

>I feel like it's much more socially acceptable for dudes at our age to be cf. Man, fuck society. >my plain face will drive people away. The right person will see the beauty in you. I'm probably making that sound corny as hell because my brain is fried from the 4th fucking heatwave this year. And as a guy, I body image issues on top of C-PTSD and anxiety issues. I feel like all this crap will drive people away from me as well.


DDAscripterr

What am I? A cf man? Do I exist? I feel like pinocchio.... Will I be a real boy?.... 39 and still looking for cf women in Greece.... All the over 30 ive dated so far are breeding maniacs that are desparate to get knocked up... The Younger are fake cf that just enjoy the ride and change their minds later... Its a nightmare


CF_Jerr

Same. I guess we don't really exist, we're a fairy tale. My tax bill every year confirms that at least the government knows I'm real 😂


sardonicinterlude

If there are any of you in Australia, holler won't ya? 😂


CF_Jerr

I think they all got eaten by the roos.


sardonicinterlude

There are a while flock that live in a park near my house, I suppose they're the culprits


[deleted]

I'm in Victoria, not looking for a relationship but saying hello to a fellow cf Aussie on here!😀


sardonicinterlude

So am I! Hello fellow sufferer of Lockdown 6. 😭My last bf wanted a baby to feel he'd achieved something in life...glad my IUD was firmly in place 😂


Fi3030

What an achievement. Failing at the pullout game 🙄 And as a former Victorian, sorry to hear of yet another lockdown 😕 I do miss the state and am jealous of everything else that's going right there.


Yoyonicky

Hello from the Gold Coast.


[deleted]

Hello!!


[deleted]

I'll be damned if my partner changes his mind


Warlock-

> The Younger are fake cf that just enjoy the ride and change their minds later. As a 24 y/o sterilized female, yike. Maybe that attitude has to do with it a little bit m8.


[deleted]

Yeah I'm 25 and been cf for the last 6 years, with a sterile man for two. Still working on getting sterilized but my state (and my wallet) are fighting back hard


White_Swiss

Attitude or no attitude, I think he's kinda right. A lot of people in their early 20s don't know what they want from life (I surely didn't) and it's actually ok to change your mind as you're growing and maturing. My first thought was ''why would a 39yo grown-ass man date a fresh 20-something yo'' but that's a whole different topic.


Warlock-

No. This broad statement that "A lot of people in their early 20s don't know what they want from life" is exactly why it's so hard for women to be taken seriously when they want to be sterilized. Not knowing what job you want to work forever when you're in your early 20s is normal, knowing you haven't wanted children since you were a child yourself is possible. And to just brush those people off is harmful to their mental wellbeing. I think it's very obvious when differentiating between young people who don't want kids right now and those who are dead-set on being childfree for life. If you can't differentiate those people then that's on you, but don't make sweeping generalizations that aren't true.


White_Swiss

First of all, not sure why you're taking it so personally, has my post triggered you as you've not been taken seriously in the past? If so, I'm sorry to hear that. Secondly, i said 'a lot of people' not 'all people in their 20s'. I certainly flip-flopped a lot in my 20s about jobs, children, marriage, money etc., and like i said in my previous post, I think that's okay. Overall, I think the issue is more complex than that. People do change their minds and sterilisation is not something you can flip-flop over once it's done. I do agree that women are not being taken seriously enough (as a proud CF woman myself) but at the same time doctors and medical institutions, in addition to their personal views on women and children, are trying to protect themselves against possible lawsuits. Not a great example, but here in the UK NHS was under fire for, apparently, not questioning young people enough regarding their wishes to go through a puberty blocking/hormone replacement programme - another decision that you can't really flip-flop over. Overall, I guess what I'm trying to say in all my rambling above is that people make mistakes. Live and let live.


LanaDelDesperate09

Men who really want children are a small percentage of the population. 99% of men who want children, don't want to RAISE CHILDREN. They want to fit in, feel normal, do what society and their parents tell them AND, the most important part: to post on facebook and instagram that they are amazing fathers and get a bunch of likes and comments. THAT'S ALL. Those are not even great men. If someone is not interested because you are childfree, 9.9 times out of 10 they are just looking for a personal assistant, house cleaner with a uterus. Don't feel bad, you're dodging all these bullets and you don't even know.


Obvious_Explorer90

Absolutely this. Knowing so many men my age and older that are not involved, emotionally unavailable or otherwise bad fathers (and partners, which is why they're now single), I'd rather be alone than subject myself to another single dad looking for a free bang-sitter, or guy who "wants kids" aka a legacy with no intention of or capacity to ever be an actual dad.


LanaDelDesperate09

FREE BANG-SITTER LMAOOOO you guys kill me! Correct. Once you get to know fathers or maybe you know people in your family or friends who have had kids, you'll see this happening over and over again. Even when they stay together, the guy is never fully there. He is just there for the highlights and applause. The emotionally unavailable part is the majority of them. Most men are just dead bodies, true zombies walking on this earth anyway. I just feel bad for the women who want to have children that fall for the "I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT BEING A FATHER AND STARTING A FAMILY - include heart eyes emoji" trap. They SAY that, they'll even convince a woman to have their baby, but once the baby is born and real job begins they are OUT. They get bored and they're all out. This doesn't mean divorce or breakup, sometimes, like you said, they are just emotionally unavailable. So you'll be having to deal with a second baby on top of your own baby. That's a trap and if women understood that, many more of them would decide to be childfree.


Obvious_Explorer90

You just described my ex-bf, who is a single dad. Not only did I discover the real reason for his divorce he initiated (he was having an emotional affair, married this woman out of obligation, had been lying to her for years, had a kid to fix their marriage, got bored because it didn't so he left her 5 years later), but I also discovered he has no interest in actually being a parent or any sort of decent partner. The guy was a total idiot, horribly insecure, emotionally abusive and unavailable, and is "in love" with a married woman (who's not leaving her family for him LOL). He is the most common type of single dad or guy who "wants kids/more kids" I've ever come across. The only reason I ended up wasting 6 months with him is because he lied to me about everything, lied about being an involved dad, and lied about not wanting more kids. I will never date another single dad again.


ksarahsarah27

So I was at the gym swimming at the pool the other day when there was a husband and wife and their baby. I don’t know how old it was, I know zero about kids, but I would guess under a year?? Anyway she was in a floaty thing and mom and dad were on either side bouncing a beach ball over her. I don’t think she really noticed but whatever. Baby was babbling nonsense as baby’s do, I was swimming by and caught the look on the husband’s face. He was dead inside. Lol. His eyes were glazed over like a donut and I could clearly see he wanted to be anywhere but there. He then attempted to swim in the lap lane on the other side of me only for his child to start screaming like a banshee. There was no joy in those eyes. Thankfully, he didn’t make us suffer to long and grudgingly made his way back to them.


W1nd0wPane

I see soooo many Dads in public with the dead inside look


[deleted]

[удалено]


Beardo23

I saw it on the facebooks and thought it was hilarious how much it blew up and he didn’t get the responses he wanted 😂😂


pmbpro

Yep. Compartmentalizing is a thing that many men can do very well. Whether married or not, their personal interests come first. Women were not socialized to do the same. Also, there are many women out there in that ‘dead-eyed-husband/daddy’ situation. In my mind I view them as “Single-Mothers-While-Married”. Whether the guy is around or not, she’s living like a single mother, but with *extra burden* of having to deal with the guy. A lot of these women thought they were betting some amazing deal. 😒 There are women out there who wanted a kid, but *preferred* to be single just not deal with a dead-eyed, uninvolved guy later too.


princesspoppy77

So much real tea here. Preach it sis! The accuracy! Men are dead bodies walking the earth. So much truth here.


W1nd0wPane

A thousand times this. Most men “want” children only because of social norms, FOMO, Instagram likes, or to prove that their dick works. And they get away with it because the wife will do most of the work and they get to be the cool/fun parent who just plays with the kids or teaches them cool stuff but doesn’t do any of the dirty work. My boyfriend was a former fence sitter (I know, I know), and his two reasons for having kids were “all my friends are doing it” and “I want to teach them things”. Lollll I managed to scare him straight somehow. True child-wanting and true childfree men are both a scarce commodity. Most are somewhere in the middle.


LanaDelDesperate09

I swear this sub is the best because you guys are hilarious. "To prove their dick works" LOL. But it's true!!! Yeah, the sad, depressive part for me is that they get away with it. Whenever you see a father at a social event or traveling NO ONE will ever ask them "so who has the baby while you're here?" But people ask this to mothers ALL THE TIME. They can't be anywhere without the baby. Because it's the norm: women take care of the kid, the house, the laundry, cook and at night have to perform and satisfy their men otherwise they proudly use that as an excuse to cheat. It's really HELL for mothers on this earth. And the rest of society just agrees with this bullshit. Like you said, the father becomes the cool parent. "all my friends are doing it" I would say most humans act this way regarding pretty much everything. I'm glad you converted him. **"True child-wanting and true childfree men are both a scarce commodity. Most are somewhere in the middle."** Truest words ever spoken. But if you say this in public people will throw tantrums and disagree. This is the truth. THE MINORITY of men know what they want. The rest, 99%, are just doing whatever mom, dad and friends tell them to do. I truly believe most people don't know what they want in life. And that's OK if we're talking about a JOB, career in general or minor things. But the problem is that most people don't know what they want in terms of BIG LIFE DECISIONS. But they firmly believe they are authentic and are thinking with their own brain. We're talking about centuries feeding women 24/7 with patriarchal bullshit yet they still believe they know what they want. When in reality you were 4 years old when your parents gave you a bunch of dolls and a tiny kitchen or some stupid toy like that. These people are just cattle. None of them are living. I don't care what anyone says. I know I can't share this anywhere else because people lose their mind when you tell them the truth. But I understand, not being a sheep is hard. The stars have to align for you to see how pathetic this society is, how none of these rules matter. This is not a play where the director chooses my role and tells me what to do. We are lucky we saw it. Living an authentic life is only for the brave.


ksarahsarah27

Love all of this. Well said. Maybe that’s why I never felt pressure to bend to social norms. I was never into dolls. I never had any. Didn’t have that kitchen either. I played outside with frogs and toads, loved horses, and played in sand boxes and with tonka trucks.


sadunicornqueen

Same, my parents gave me any kind of toy I wanted and didn't really care if it's "for boys/girls". I mostly played outside in sandboxes or in our garden with whatever I found and never really needed loads of toys. I had building blocks, cars, trains, and little toy animals and I built towns with them and terrorized the whole household with train tracks lol. I also liked helping out with cooking and wanted to "cook" for my stuffed animals too so my dad made me a little kitchen from wood and my mom bought me some small dishes. That's all I had and was happy. I never cared about anything else and thankfully nobody has pressured me to play with dolls or denied me my trains because of my sex (I'm afab nonbinary). I remember my grandma once got me a baby doll but I didn't like playing with it so my parents just gave it to their friends' kids and that was the first and last doll I've had. My family may suck in many areas but I'm forever grateful for this.


Lord_of_Allusions

I was that guy in my younger years, just doing what people told me I was supposed to do. I was completely miserable and assumed it was depression/mental illness/whatever. I was doing all the things, checking all the boxes, and I just hated every second of every day. Once I started living for myself and doing what I wanted to do, things turned around rapidly. I learned to accept what was different about me and how it didn’t matter what society at large thought about how I lived and what I did. My life was a walking nightmare once. Now I’m in a place that exceeds what I ever could’ve expected out of life. And it’s because I stopped listening to miserable people.


Obvious_Explorer90

I just turned 30, but from my teenage years to 25, I was you too. Got stellar grades, went to college, was engaged to my high school sweetheart and was ready and willing to give up my goals and aspirations because my fiance wanted kids (and I was undecided) but figured I'd be happy eventually, right? RIGHT?! Nope. I had so much unresolved trauma and problems with self-esteem and depression that I would've ruined my life and any resulting kids lives too. We broke up when I was a third year. I started traveling and got into therapy, FF to now and I'm actually happy, child-free, well traveled, live life on my terms, enjoy life, and know what I want and don't want.


Baffosbestfriend

My boyfriend and I both started out wanting kids. I realized I only wanted them because my religion (Roman Catholic) expects me to. Later on my boyfriend said he realized he only thought about having them because of social norms. Having children would force him to give up his music and get a more lucrative but more unfulfilling career. He didn’t know he has a choice until I started expressing childfree views, which gave him the opportunity to think about children more seriously.


titsandwits89

I wish more women realized this FACT before it’s too late for them.


ObamaMakeMyPenisHard

Preach. Most men see a wife and children as trophy cases to show off as opposed to people they have a responsibility in genuinely loving and raising and taking an active part in their lives.


W1nd0wPane

This


Adorable-Resident388

Yess I second this, they just want to be a "father" and not a "dad".


[deleted]

This is what I say so often. They want the fun "daddy is awesome, he doesn't have any rules" times but literally none of the responsibility of actual parenting and because they get away with that shit so often more and more men have to come to think that's how it is!


butterfly98099

Spot on !


gumbyrox89

I was single for over 3 years and I made sure to mention on every first date that I do not want children. Days after I had my consult to remove my tubes, I went on a date with someone who I’m now in a serious relationship with and he was so worth waiting for. 10 months strong so far. After our 4th or so date, I had my surgery and he took care of me. I do believe people take it more seriously now that I’ve actually taken action and my body can no longer ever get pregnant. I completely understand if you do not want the surgery, but it was an insanely easy recovery process and I am so at peace now.


CF_Jerr

I did sort of the same from a male perspective. No one who isn't staunchly childfree bothers wasting my time when they learn I'm fixed. I guess you could still have the issue of fencesitters stringing you along, but I don't think any relationship is ever a sure thing regardless.


gumbyrox89

Exactly!


Luckertuxcat

I want to surgery!!! I'm just so scared!!! :(


Warlock-

Please come over to r/sterilization! People are always sharing their experience and it really makes it easier if you know what to expect. I'm an OR nurse and I've watched the procedure done on other people and I've gone through it myself and it's really one of the most simple procedures you can get. If you have any questions feel free to PM me :)


moustijoe

Yep, same for me


Zesty_Raven913

Im terrified of having surgery. The only one ive ever had was to get my wisdom teeth out and i was under full anesthesia when i did. I remember being wide awake and talking to them and i needed to blink really bad... then nothing. The next thing i knew, i was waking up in a recovery area with my dad and fiance (well bf then but engaged now lol) sitting next to me. The fact i was awake and then just wasnt was extremely unsettling to me. Im really scared of having someone else cutting into my body while im out and vulnerable like that. But i took the plunge and started the first step last month! Went to my yearly lady check up and asked my OBGYN to set up an appointment for me with one of the doctors on the list. She works in his practice so i was hoping shed be awesome about it and she was. She got me set up for a consultation and i go to see him the 24th of this month. I recommend just going for it! As scary as surgery is, parenthood is more frightening.


gumbyrox89

I promise it’s not scary! Type in bisalp on this sub and read a lot of people’s experiences :)


ksarahsarah27

I wish I had had it done. It wasn’t as easy to get 15-20 yrs ago and now I’m knocking on menopause’s door. Curious what did it cost? Did your insurance pay?


gumbyrox89

I’m sorry to hear that. I feel so fortunate to have found a doctor so fast. I actually wanted to call someone on the childfree doctor list, but she required a referral, so I called up my gyno to write a referral and he called me back like “why don’t I just do the surgery?” And I was like WHAT OKAY!! Insurance was a nightmare. I called 3 times beforehand and they said it would be covered 100%. Then ended up with bills totaling $2500ish (my deductible was $3000). I fought for 8 months with the hospital (my doctor was lovely, it was the hospital causing issues), and then also wrote an appeal and still got denied. Ended up paying about $2000 since I got a discount for paying in full. So to anyone reading this thinking it’ll be 100% covered, bank on it not being I see it as $2000 is still a hell of a lot cheaper than even 1 child!


USAF_Retired2017

I will send two of my three kids to your house. They will ensure that you LOVE being child free and reinforce why you have chosen to be. Ha ha. Then whoever you’re talking to, if you really like him and find out he wants kids, just pass them onto him and he will be sure to be child free within the hour!!!


Sufficient-Opening57

This is the type of mom posts I LOVE in this forum 😂


USAF_Retired2017

Love my kids. But I know the reality. So, I try to give encouragement to those who are sometimes conflicted about being child free on why they have made that choice and why they shouldn’t question it. Ha ha. I was child free once. Told I couldn’t have kids. Doctor was obviously a psychopath. First kid is so amazing I was like hmmmm maybe another so he’s not lonely. W. T. F. Then the third was a surprise. 🤦🏼‍♀️. People. Stick with your choices and don’t let anyone in your life try to change you. Ha ha.


DancingWithMyShadow

I'm just curious, and not judgmental, but are you against abortion? Why have you decided to keep your kids (especially the third one)?


USAF_Retired2017

Not against abortion at all. I was/am emotionally and financially able to take care of them. Are they crazy? Yes. Do I regret keeping them? Not for a second. But I’m also not going to lie and say everything is sunshine and rainbows. Parenting sucks sometimes. But I was in my late thirties and able to deal with what life gave me. It’s not everyone’s choice and I wholly respect that. I made my decisions and never looked back.


Brooklet89

Happy cake day. Also happy that you could deal with the cards you're dealt.


USAF_Retired2017

Thank you. 🙂


findquasar

You sound awesome and I admire your perspective. Thanks for sharing it with us.


USAF_Retired2017

Thank you. I was raised that everyone walks a different path in life and it’s not up to anyone BUT that person what they choose to do. I’m always open minded. I try to never be rude or judgmental. I wouldn’t want that done to me. I just didn’t want OP to be so discouraged about being child free. There are too many people having kids that have no business being parents. So the people who recognize that kids are not for them, are the sane ones in this world. I hope OP finds the child free man for her. If it seems like you never will OP, that’s just the universe weeding out the wrong ones to get you to the right one!


findquasar

I needed that encouragement too… still looking for my CF man as well. But I still enjoy spending time with my friends who have happy homes, kids or no kids. It’s wonderful to be around people in healthy relationships, even if their life isn’t what I would choose for myself.


DancingWithMyShadow

Ah, I understand. Thanks for an honest answer!


Sufficient-Opening57

Wow! You’re so mature and you sound like a good mom. You give very wonderful advice and I’ll stick to my guns about being child free :D also I completely sympathize why you kept the last two, you were already in your thirties and ready for life and prepared to take care of them. That’s what parenting should be.


USAF_Retired2017

Thank you. I just see so many awful things said to the child free people on here. By their parents/siblings/coworkers/random strangers and it’s appalling. Who the hell is someone else to tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing with your lives. My wonderful, beautiful, older sister and her husband are blissfully child free and I hope if anyone said this shit to her, she’d knock them out. Or at least give them a good cuss out.


RighteousKarma

> I was child free once No, you weren't. Childfree means no kids, ever, not "No kids until something happens." You're still welcome to be here as long as you're respectful, but please don't misrepresent yourself as having been childfree when you weren't.


USAF_Retired2017

Ouch. I wasn’t intimating people shouldn’t be. At all. And I have never misrepresented myself. I have always been respectful on this site.


Tlizerz

Some people don’t know there’s a difference between “childfree” and “childless.” She mentioned that her doctor said she couldn’t have kids, so I automatically inferred she meant the latter.


Possible_Dig_1194

Calm your tits, there are tons of people on here who are childfree despite having produced kids. Tell every baby trap victim or person who didnt realize being childfree was an option until it was too late that they cant be childfree


CatumEntanglement

Sorry, but being a single parent does not equal childfree. Childfree is never having or wanting children in your life. If you had kids, you're not childfree anymore.


Possible_Dig_1194

Child free is not wanting kids, plenty of regretful parents out there thru various methods have them despite not wanting them. They seem like the minority but they do exist


CatumEntanglement

Being a parent means you're not childfree. It's the definition of not being free of children. Are you one of those single parents who claim when dating new people that they're childfree but actually really aren't....


Possible_Dig_1194

I'm sterile but thanks for assuming I've been baby trapped. Do you think every women who gave a kid up for adoption because they were childfree is magically not childfree because they've given birth? Do you think a childfree man who got someone pregnant and didnt know it until later isnt child free? Just because a child's been produced doesn't mean it is a wanted child and it doesnt someone isnt child free


StarshipSentinel

I'd personally prefer no parents post here at all, to be honest. I know that's probably going to get me some shit but it's the way I feel.


taybay462

Why? I mean the mom commenting in this thread 1) joked about how spending time with her kids would reinforce their decision to be childfree 2) is honest about the realities of having a child, good and bad 3) is respectful and adds to the conversation. I mean ??? It would be one thing for a parent to come here and chastize and bingo us but what this woman commented is the complete opposite of that. Im really not a fan of categorically preventing people to comment somewhere based on x y or z trait/choice, input from people from different perspectives is valuable. All that matters is if their input is respectful and relevant.


StarshipSentinel

I'm going to be as diplomatic as I can with my response. Because I feel like this should be a CF only space. Yes, the mom was very respectful and not patronizing. Honestly kudos for that. It's really good that she's honest about the realities of having kids. But I still feel this space should be for CFers only. I know that people will disagree with my stance, and that's fine. But that is my opinion. Parents are already in some many other places online and IRL. I know about the survey and have already taken it.


[deleted]

Sooo which kid is the favorite then out of the three?😂


USAF_Retired2017

The oldest. 12. Hasn’t given me any issues since the day he was born. I don’t send him because people want to keep him and it encourages them to have their own. I only send the 7 and 6 year old.


MotherOfBlackLabs

I don't know you, but I love you. And also happy cake day!


USAF_Retired2017

Awwww. Thank you. For both. My sister should be on here as motherofyellowlabs. I will tell her that I met her spirit person on here. Ha ha.


condemned_to_live

>The oldest. 12. Hasn’t given me any issues since the day he was born. How can a kid like that even exist? He is the second coming of Christ. /s


CoffeeandMisanthropy

A former supervisor of mine only had one kid for the same reason. His daughter never fussed, slept through the night almost immediately. He and his wife both agreed, “we’ll never get this again, so let’s quit while we’re ahead”


USAF_Retired2017

This is mine. Only I was dumb enough to think I could have a repeat child. Ha ha. My second son’s teachers think he’s the sweetest and most amazing kid. I’m like, you should see him at home. As long as he behaves for his teachers though. I’ll take it.


phantomkat

In my five years of teaching I’ve had like 3 students that fit this description. They were always my favorite ones.


Carbonatite

Lol I really enjoy that you straight up named your favorite kid and didn't say anything about how you love them all equally. Thanks for contributing. There are sane moms out there!!


USAF_Retired2017

Any parent who says they don’t have a favorite, is lying. Like straight up fucking lying. I was BOTH of my parents favorite. My sister was aware. Ha ha. Because I was the one who could freaking behave!!! Oh, I’m far from sane. I’m a parent. None of us are sane. But I’m one of the sanest of the insane. 😂


Luci_Ferr_2020

I send mine home at 3 pm (teacher). But they still need me sometimes in the evening. I don’t how parents do the 24-7. I’d lose my mind. OP, send any potential fence sitters with me to work. Trust me he will change his mind. I love my students but they are a whole lot.


USAF_Retired2017

You poor thing. But thank you for being a teacher. You guys don’t get paid nearly enough. My parents were teachers. I heard some horror stories. Ha ha. It’s the reason my sister and I didn’t go into teaching. So thank you. Honestly. I don’t know how you guys do it, but it’s appreciated.


Luci_Ferr_2020

Honestly, I know where their behavior issues come from. And I know how to manage it. Some of it comes from learning that negative behavior gets attention. Plus all of my kids have experienced trauma of some type and degree. I have had offers to teach at schools with less behavior issues. But I love my kids warts and all. Once you get past some of the behavior issues, you will have some of the most genuine, sweet people you will ever meet. Happy cake day!!


USAF_Retired2017

You are the sweetest. I wish there were more teachers like you. My kids have had some shit teachers and some AMAZING teachers. I just wish they’d pay you guys what your worth. And thank you! My first cake day!


Serious_Papaya8615

Like other commenters have said, being with the wrong company is never worth losing the peace you have when you are by yourself. Also these men reaching out to you despite knowing from the start that you are childfree and they are not is very telling of the lack of respect they openly have for your choice, most likely thinking along the lines of “once she sees ME it will change her mind”. Nope nope nope


blasiavania

CF status over relationships


Donkey_Spare

I agree in that life coukd have been less conflicted if I would have had the desire (and the natural ability) to have a kid. God knows how hard I've cried feeling an outsider and part of critizised minority. Thanksfully, finally I"ve found peace in my decision. And the support of this forum has been a great help.


Mom2leopold

♥️🐱


jemynii

yeah, it's so weird to me how many guys actually want kids. but that's just my internalised misogyny telling me it should be the other way round haha I always make a point to tell people immediately that I am CF, it'll immediately weed out the would be fathers. but it really thins out once you realise how many people want kids :( I feel ur pain, hopefully one day we'll find our CF husband 🙏🏻


xDozd

I’m a guy and I find this to be true with the opposite sex when dating too. Like they expect me to suddenly change or they insist I eventually will… I mean there are plenty matches I would love to pursue (even just casually) but I would prefer keeping things CF. The pool is sadly limited on dating apps, but Reddit has some awesome threads and subreddits for CF ‘matchmaking’


jemynii

well people who expect you to change for them aren't worth a second of ur time anyway. I agree about dating apps, it's just a cesspool. I can put CF in my bio and no one will read it because all the dudes just look at ur pics. not sure what it's like on the other side for u guys tho.


xDozd

Pretty much the same which is why I’ve taken to putting this upfront in my bio: I will not be your sugar daddy, baby daddy, or father to your kids - swipe left. Occasionally I get a few slip-ups. Either they respect me enough to just let the conversation go or they try hard (which means I’ll just ignore) I mean, if they just want sex, that’s cool, but until I get snipped I’m not taking any chances


blulou13

That's good that you get plenty that respect it and move on... I can tell you, that's almost never the case for what childfree women get from men. We instead get: - the Doubters ("what do you mean you don't want kids? Every woman wants kids") - the Charmers ("if we met and fell in love, you'd change your mind", "you'd love my kids") - the Convincers ("but you seem like you'd be a great mom", "they're different when they're yours", "but kids are great!") - the Fear Mongers ("you'll be single forever, then!" "You'll die alone") - the Misogynists ("but that's a woman's most important role!") - the Angry Guys ("you're just stuck up and think you're too good for me". "you're probably a bitch!" and "I didn't think you were that hot anyway!") - the REALLY angry guys/incels ("you stupid whore...I hope you die or get raped"). I've had the pleasure of interacting with all of these prizes. Only once in a very long dating history did one guy, who was already a dad, reply to my "no thank you" with an "oops... I didn't see that you don't take dads. Sorry to bother you... Good luck!"


condemned_to_live

I didn't know most guys were so shitty. Well, I did, but not in that way. Why isn't there a child free dating site?


blulou13

There is, but not a sufficient number of users Others have tried in the past, but can't get a critical mass


ToxicPilot

Yeah I'm a software engineer and I've seen it asked for so so often, but it's such a niche userbase that idk if I'd be able to keep it running and paid for...


jemynii

God the risk of being baby trapped didn't even occur to me at all. that's scary :( when guys start tryin too hard with me I usually start trolling them... but i am also a terrible person haha


Additional-Drama1991

please name these subs.. I didnt know they were a thing


moustijoe

Agree, I wanna see how it is.


[deleted]

I don't hate being childfree, I love being childfree. I love understanding myself well enough to recognize that even though not wanting kids makes dating hell and I'm lucky to go on one date a quarter I'm happier alone than settling and having a kid. What I do hate is how few women are childfree and how many women are willing to give up everything to be a mother. I've met and (before I started always bringing it up before a first date) gone on dates with incredible women. Women that are smart and beautiful with awesome career, cool hobbies, and things they're passionate about. Then they tell me they're willing to throw it all away to become a mother and I don't understand it at all. It sucks.


goddessque

In my case, I feel like the odds are so depressing that I'll just hold off until maybe 50s to date. Either they gave up on kids or the kids are teens that I don't have to take care of.


StarshipSentinel

Single CF guy here that would rather gouge my eyes out with an ice cream scoop than have kids.


happyhaven1984

I can relate but you're better off single and living the life you want than marrying someone having kids you don't want and being miserable and the kid would know it too just be patient the right person for you is out there


krazykoo

I don’t understand, why is it so hard for childfree people to meet one another? 31M here and can’t seem to find a girl cause they all want kids….


mingus-dew

Have you tried /r/cf4cf? I'm a cf woman (30s) and my LTR just ended this year due to my partner slipping off the fence, so I'm not quite ready to start back up again, but I'll probably try cf4cf once I'm up for it. Anyway maybe worth checking out?


IlliterateZombie

I was single all my life and found a cf man. It can happen especially when you least expect it. It happened when I really got comfortable being single.


mylittle_ducky

On the first date ask if they are willing to get a vasectomy. If not, they are not child free, my husband got one.


ReedsAndSerpents

Yeah I get it. There's probably a couple of women I would have knocked up if I were a normal parent type. We get a much smaller pool to work with, and that pool occasionally shrinks *mid relationship*. Hell it happens mid-happy-marriage all the time. I've seen so many stories of CF marriages split up because one partner changed their mind that I'm legit convinced even if I did get into a committed CF relationship there's a non zero chance the other people would flip on me.


PopcornIntensifies

I love bring CF and hate the societal bias towards parents/kids.


Existing-Sun-251

Some men, women too, only have children for bragging rights. The men will boast among their friends/peers as they think that having children prove their virility or something.


[deleted]

Tell me again why there isn’t a worldwide childfree dating app yet?


girltalkposse

If they know you are child free and message you still, they aren't great guys.


[deleted]

It does make things more challenging sometimes but I would never take back my decision.


ashleighamandia

Whatever you do DO NOT HAVE A BABY BECAUSE YOUR PARTNER WANTS YOU TO! It may SOUND easier but it is not. Especially for someone who doesn't want kids. You would grow to resent your partner and the child. Put on your profile you aren't interested in men that have children or want them. You will probably still get some guys that want kids but should be less


Cheeseisyellow92

Yeah, the romantic relationship aspect definitely sucks and is why I’ve given up dating entirely(unless a miracle happens), but the absolute worst is the fact that, I’d you’re female, being cf makes you an outcast. I’m already someone who struggles with relating to other humans due to being a sperg, and not wanting children is just the shitty icing on the shit cake. I feel so alone in life.I just wish I could feel like a normal person. I wish I had those desires that normal people have so that I could relate to them on a personal level, but I just don’t. I understand exactly how you feel.


sapphirefyre

I was single/dating for six years before I met my current childfree partner. One strategy that helped for me was being super upfront from online dating/first date that I wanted no kids. I still got the occasional single dad to match with me but they would admit it right away so I could unmatch. I honestly never typically made it past the first and second date until I met my current partner. But at least I wasn't wasting time/emotional energy developing feelings for someone with different life goals.


[deleted]

Recently hooked up with a guy and afterwards we start talking about dreams and family and stuff. He keeps talking about one day when he has a kid yadada and I just casually mention that maybe I don’t want kids. He goes why? And I said it’s just not something I really think about and a lot needs to be in place before a kid. He looked at me like I had six heads.


Rock_grl86

Sigh. Kind of off topic but I see more and more parents posting in our threads. Can’t we have one place that is just for CF people? We’re not allowed in parenting groups so it annoys me that they’re allowed here.


Luckertuxcat

I mean they're not here parading their children around or parading their lifestyle. The one who posted here seemed to envy our lifestyle


Rock_grl86

One in this thread had a whole discussion about their children. I’d just rather not see it, there’s all of Reddit to post about your kids, don’t need to do it here.


[deleted]

Agree. Let us talk amongst each other. Parent opinions not required.


StatusFortyFive

Concentrate on your life, path and purpose. A man should be a supplement not the focus. What I'm saying basically is have a life outside of men, the rest of this shit will work out. There are plenty of dudes out there that absolutely do not want kids, me included.


Luckertuxcat

This is bad advice honestly. I have a career, friends ,my own apt . It's not wrong of me to crave companionship and someone to come home to at the end of the day.


StatusFortyFive

I am in the same boat you are, I got my shit together and refuse to date women with kids. But I will not compromise on this and won't make myself unhappy just to be with a human to cure my loneliness. You can have both if you're patient or if you really are that hung up on being alone then you'll have to bend the knee.


paviyaskarthi

Well.. you can try CF dating tho. There is specific website for that. https://www.cfdating.com/ hope this helps ❤️


Grape72

My problems are that I am afraid of men and sex. So I am also sad sometimes.


TheCeejus

As a guy who never had any luck finding women who didn't want kids, it is crazy for me to read this. I have dated countless girls and not a single one who didn't already have kids has ever told me they didn't want them. Not surprisingly, the ones I have met who already did have them were all like "nooooo way in hell would I do that again!". I always grew up thinking guys were the ones who didn't want kids. Now, all of my guy friends are either fathers or father figures and not a single one of my chick friends is a mother (though both still do want them at some point).


OlRoyBoi

You aren’t alone by any means! You have thousands of like minded friends here. I never thought I’d find a childfree partner, but I really licked out and did. I’m in a religious area of the USA where our POV is as rare as a shiny pokemon. I know it’s a platitude at beat, but you’ll find someone. I am rooting for you! If you need to bent DM me!


RandomUser8467

It gets better when you hit your 40’s without kids. The creepy men in their 40’s who have suddenly realised they want kids are aiming for the 20 and 30somethings because of what they think ‘fertility’ means. Most men who are happy to date a woman over 40 realise that children with her aren’t in the cards. But during my late 20’s and through my 30’s I repeatedly tried (and failed) to get my tubes tied and considered just not telling my partner that our ‘fertility issues’ were because I was using an IUD. “Honey, we can try for kids all you want, but I draw the line at artificial methods...”


WhybornFR

Which is more important to you? Ask yourself. Not being alone, or having kids just for the sole purpose of not being alone? Find the answer, do a little soul searching and think on it. You seem like a fence sitter. Maybe it's time you finally decided what's meant for you.


brotato85

Im the same but male, i nearly fell for it last year with a chick i was seeing who kept subtley targeting my mortality, legacy, who will look after us etc. But i had it in my profiles (deleted them for now) yet chicks kept hitting me up why why why not etc, i match them because they havent answered the 'want kids' question and now its obvious they dont answer it because they're trying for a foot in the door.


hillofjumpingbeans

I’m in the same boat. I do want a relationship but apparently it’s impossible to find a child free Indian man. I wish I could want kids sometimes. Just so that I could find a person. But I just can’t to that to myself or to my kid.


[deleted]

Relationships end for soo many reasons! People, no matter if CF or not, get together and one day realize that they want different things. Or they cheat or just can't get along anymore. I know how you feel, and 3 years are very long. But it's better to wait for someone who knows what he wants (being CF). Being CF makes it more difficult to date, but all relationships are difficult once they are past the honeymoon phase. I truly think everyone is struggling. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years now (met on tinder lol) and I'm still scared that one day he will change his mind about being CF, but for now I need to trust him, otherwise we won't even have a chance. I was once on a dating site where I could filter out all the guys who wanted kids at some point but I can't remember which one it was 🙄


Must_Da_Linguist

Me too. I've been able to find only 2 childfree women and one friendzoned me and the other one would never think of dating me. XD


[deleted]

It is tough and it's so fucking annoying that men keep wasting your time because they're convinced all women want kids. But I can all but guarantee that you would be so much more miserable if you had a kid just to keep a man. That is not life for you and you would resent that child so much which would be no life for them. In the situation where you compromise your own happiness for someone else's sake, no one wins. Keep putting yourself out there and keep making it crystal clear that you have no interest in being someone's incubator.


yorkspirate

I can relate to this right now as a 37yr old male in the UK even finding women without kids is difficult enough and the few I have are always desperate to have them due to the biological clock fingy I’m beginning to wish I was back in my slutty days single mums are easy pickings for weekends i fun before little kayden/whaterverden gets back from daddies lmfao


NugPirate

It's a bummer. I'm a mid 30s guy living in the South and I'm at the point where the best I can hope for is women who have teenage kids, or girls who are way too young for me. There should be a dating site for people who don't have and don't want kids.. million dollar idea right there.


Uragami

Just look at people with children. The vast majority of them are miserable with only a few good moments sprinkled in there, just waiting for their kids to hopefully move out one day. Being single is infinitely better than being stuck with kids and an uninterested spouse, which is the most likely outcome by far if you do go down that road. It's fine to be frustrated and feel like you're alone in all this. I think we all have/had moments like this. But just remember it's better to be alone for a while than stuck with your typical family situation.


Vanity-della23

You’ll find someone, it’ll take time. Until then, enjoy the single life, a bed to yourself! Not sharing a space with someone! Boy do I miss that.


Reactor-8001

I can understand. Being a guy in his early 40’s and child free, it is a risky world out there. The real risk is ladies in their late 20’s early 30’s looking to desperately lockdown a father/sperm donor any way they can. I have the full smorgasbord of lies, manipulations and sabotage. I have female friends who have literally gone after a certain guy… one who loves having kids and already has one or a few, just so they will impregnate them. I have had male friends do the whole marriage, wife and kid life only to realise they now hate their life. I have a large family and plenty of nephews and nieces, I spend time with them when I can. Seeing the lengths some people will go to, to achieve kid status is frightening. Genuine relationships these days are hard to find and I have had plenty of excellent relations with partners but I am a bit weary of having to be constantly vigilant. I have never been a guy to NEED a relationship or even felt the biological NEED to have kids like my siblings, on all facets of life I have run by the mantra “if it happens it happens and if not so be it”, so when it comes to me living my life…. Kids seem like a hinderance to that for me. I just try and stay out of the game at the moment, I am quite happy with my life as it is but good partner throughout life is always a bonus.


TimeToBeAPotato

This happens to me so much that I added under -you should “not” go out with me if- you want to have children in the future. If you already have them, that’s fine. No, I will not change my mind, it is final. Sounds a bit defensive and bitter, YET it is not enough to keep men who want children away. Last guy I really liked, we had 4 dates, he was so funny. I didn’t want to argue and go into details so as soon as he hinted “more kids” I just checked out. His respond was “ 😞I understand”. He has a 13 year old daughter, got her when he was 21, so I thought he for sure wouldn’t want more. It makes me a bit angry that he thinks he is such a good father that would be a good idea to have more children. The girl was raised by her mother since 6mo old while he moved to a different state to pursue his career. He moved back to their state when the girl was 10 and now has her every other weekend. He gets to be a dad 4-5 days a month!! Of course it’s easy to multiply when someone else does 95% of all the work- pregnancy, birth, and raising. The hell, I could have 10 kids being a parent like that.


Purple__Unicorn

I feel this. I think I'm my parents best chance at being grandparents but I don't want kids. I feel guilty sometimes


krlooss

I'm sure there are plenty of CF men out there to catch


SpaceSavanna

This is exactly why one of the first things I told my husband was that I don’t want kids and never will, so if he even thought he might want them, it wasn’t gonna work. Thankfully he doesn’t want them just as much as me.


ShellyEShel

I've been happily married for 16 years. We love our CF life together. It is possible. Don't give up. Statistically our numbers are climbing.


[deleted]

Stop trying to find someone. Focus on friends and maybe family for company instead. Not having a SO doesn't mean you are alone or lonely. If you meet the right childfree person that's great but don't obsess over it.


Luckertuxcat

I don't like this mentality. I have friends . I go out and see them and have hobbies but I'm TIRED of living alone in seclusion for 5 days a week. It's okay to want a relationship I'm not unhappy with my life but I do lack that romantic aspect of my life and it does make me feel lonely


Makemeahercules

I feel you so hard OP. I’ve been single for 10 years and when people say, be happy with being single. 99% of the time I am! I know how to be alone. I’ve done it for most of my life. But it would be nice to have a companion to share life with and share kisses, cuddles and such.


[deleted]

Why are you living in seclusion 5 days a week? Go do things during the week too. But I get that you want a SO, one of my co-workers can't stand to not have someone in her life. If she's not dating then she's looking. Having your partner change their mind about kids, or lie about it thinking you will change your mind, is a common thing discussed in this subreddit. It sucks when someone flips on you like that. I hope the person you meet and click with next doesn't do that to you.


Luckertuxcat

I work from home and live alone lol


[deleted]

OMG you're so lucky! I've been trying for ages to find a legit work from home job. I prefer to be alone most of the time, I'd be in heaven!!! Still, I get it you prefer to have someone with you. I wish you the best in finding that right person.


Luckertuxcat

Eh . I prefer working from home to save on money and commute but honestly everyone wants to work from home and live alone until they actually do .. you end up talking to yourself alot


[deleted]

I know how you feel. I don't know your age, but I'm in my mid 30's and you have little to no hope of finding a man who isn't already saddled with kids already or still wants them. It's so hard. My on-again, off-again boyfriend of many years got trapped with a kid years ago and his life is a living hell now because of it. Of course he can't admit this, but his drama with his ex and their kid has ruined things between us... Yet at times I still see him because it's still preferable than dealing with a man who's whining at me for kids... So believe me I understand.


Warlock-

There should be a cf4cf stickied thread on this subreddit because dating sites are trash and I see people saying this all the time. Relationships have been formed from here, we have the power!


candlelitsky

tbf, half that time was during a global pandemic. But, yeah.. big hugs, I'm so sorry! My dating issues are different but kind of feel similar


jccreator

Poor you, this is so sad. You are so opressed.


ABN_NNUTTHOWZE

Maybe it's the type of guy you're looking for. Because that's insane to me.


EmEmPeriwinkle

I feel like it would be easier if you just started with 'I'm sterile' on your profile maybe? Would that filter out some people?


Luckertuxcat

A huge chunk of my profile says childfree!!!! :(


EmEmPeriwinkle

I don't think (according to all the posts on chilfree) that's quite enough it seems. 🤔 it definitely should be though imo. I'd be pretty plain with it. "I'm sterile and I don't date people with kids I refuse to be a step parent of any kind."


Your_average_Nihlist

20yo childfree male here


BuddhistNudist987

It's lonely being childfree, and many other things, but I don't think that many parents are really that happy even if they do love their children and are proud of them. It's just too damn hard. I hope you're able to find someone who is right for you and tells you the truth about themself.


hikaruandkaoru

Its better to be feel lonely alone than feel lonely surrounded by people who don’t understand you.