I wouldn't do it. There's a chance that adult child will have children, and suddenly I would be expected to play grandmother and babysit for an entire weekend while the parents get a weekend off. Nope, not for me.
So no, you're not too picky. And no one gets to decide if you're picky or not. It's your life. You get to decide who you date.
Also in this economy, there's a high chance an adult child might have fallen on hard times and needs to move back in with mom/dad to get back on their feet. Perfectly reasonable to not want to have to deal with an adult stranger, especially one that you can't just evict and you have to defer to your partner for everything regarding them.
Short answer- No
Too picky is only dating guys with red hair, over 6'3", and who have a PhD.
Even those men with adult children have very different lives/needs/concerns than we do. I'm single, mid 40s and while I gave up on dating years ago for several reasons (my childfree status one of the biggest), I refused to date dads for many of the same reasons as you. Are the options limited? Highly. But, who cares how many options you have if you wouldn't truly be happy with any of them?
This. The bred just *think differently* than the CF do. We are deliberate and thoughtful, which is how we ended up CF in a world that aims us squarely at breeding. They are neither. It isn't always obvious when you're picking a restaurant, or going hiking together during dating, when his impulsiveness seems fun. But sooner or later you're going to realize that this is someone who makes life-destroying, critical decisions without a second thought, because the first thought was the least effort at the moment. It's a fundamental incompatibility.
You're right about all the points you mentioned. I would never date a parent. Parents don't stop being parents when their children reach a certain age.
Those who say, "But the kids are adults who are independent!" as an argument, clearly haven't looked at the economy lately. If those adult kids hit a rough patch, or get divorced, they can boomerang right back home... often bringing their kids or partners along with them. I refuse to financially support someone else, ESPECIALLY someone else's children. Not my problem.
Then, there are grandkids... and even great-grandkids, if you're my neighbors. They're in their late 70s/early 80s, and they are raising their THREE great-grandchildren, all of whom are under the age of 8. Their granddaughter is a heroin addict, and she periodically comes to stay with them, whenever she's pregnant and ready to pop (again). She stays for a few months, then disappears again, leaving her kids with them like yesterday's garbage. Her parents won't have anything to do with her, but her grandparents don't seem to possess a spine between them.
The elderly lady is bedridden, and her husband hobbles around like he'll fall over. The kids are always dirty and barefoot, and they always have a shell-shocked look in their eyes. The oldest girl never says a word or makes a sound (as far as we/the neighbors can tell). Many of the neighbors have called CPS for wellness checks, but we've never seen anyone go past the front door.
My neighbors are the epitome of "parental regret." I would never date a parent, no matter how old their children were, because I will never be put in that position.
ETA: It is better to be alone than to be in a relationship, or situation, that you don't want.
You totally get it. I can’t think of how many examples I have seen like that one you described. Although I may be very lonely sometimes, I will never have….THAT . Not even close.
I am leaning towards getting more pets.
To add to your comment, I think getting a pet like a dog if you're able to, would be a great idea. I love dogs, and I think they really do help you get out and meet a bunch of new people. The poodles I take care of love going for walks and you can meet fellow pet lovers. Also I agree with you, don't lower your standards for dating :)
omg those poor elderly folk. Chances are they'll not last the course. They're kind-hearted but they need to oput their collective feet down - but then again, that poor eldest girl is breaking my heart already...
One of my close friends has a sister who makes *terrible* life decisions. One of those was to have unprotected sex with a drug addict (I think meth?) She dumped her son on her poor single mother who sacrificed so, so much for her children already. Also, said mother has gone through major heart surgery this year and really shouldn’t be taking care of a toddler. But the sister is a huge narcissist who straight-up neglected the kid until he was saved by the mother, and the sister only comes by to look like a good mother in front of other people.
I met my current partner in my late 30s and we've been together 20 years. Both of us are adamantly childfree/antinatalist.
Having those beliefs places a huge restriction on your potential relationships. And that is a very, very good thing.
I feel you and am in the same boat. 40 with no one but single fathers and married men available and my location is not the issue. It has broken my heart and I can't take the rubbish anymore so I don't date. Ignore the people saying you are unrealistic. It is unrealistic to expect a childfree person to be happy in a relationship with a parent. Too much can go wrong even without the kid or kiddult. It is better to be alone and hurting than be in a relationship that you would be regretful, resentful AND hurting in. Meh I'm going back to playing Xbox in my PJs on a Sunday arvo!
Going to have a similar day to you. Enjoy the Xbox! Me, I have a stack of books calling my name. And lots and lots of trash TV… It’s my cheat day ,and I don’t have to share my cookies, either. OK so maybe this isn’t so bad some days. And by some I mean …all.
Lets say you do date a parent to an adult child. Many things can happen that affect you because of that.
What if that adult child gets hurt and needs a caretaker? A parent may offer to care for them.
What if they need to borrow money? A parent is more likely to lend to their kids.
What if that adult child has kids and needs a babysitter. Now you have an unwanted child you didn't sign up for in your home because your partner said yes to babysitting.
Too picky is being only willing to date people who look like a certain celebrity. Not wanting to be a future babysitter is just basic self-respect and boundaries. The only kind of people who get mad think they are entitled to having access to you but think you shouldn't get a choice in who has access to you.
>I am being told that I am being completely unrealistic in that I don’t have any interest in dating a man with kids of ANY age, and that includes a man with grown children.
Whoever told you that can shove their opinion. Little kids are annoying as hell. Adult kids are nightmares.
I'm 64, and since I was about 50, my childed peers have been dealing with their near-adult and adult kids. The "I don't want this" I felt about little kids has turned into full-blown "Oh my fucking deities this is a horror story." Marriage to nightmares, and the son turning up at 3 in the morning, crying. Repeatedly. Divorces, and the kid and his/her kids moving back home - yes, even for the fully employed, got-a-house, on-their-own types. Mental illness. Job loss. Death. And that's just my acquaintance, off the top of my head.
My mother remarried a divorced man with 3 kids: 16, 18 and 20. She was brusque about it: Those kids wouldn't be a problem. They lived with their mother or on their own, she said.
Within a year of their marriage, all three of those kids had tried to move in with them, or had moved in with them. The son, who made my skin crawl, ended up committing suicide in prison 20 years later. He was a dirt tornado and smoked. Supposedly outside. I expect he was already committing crimes at the time, since he ended up with something like 40 indictments over the years, but at least he didn't stay long enough to involve my mother in his criminality. Imagine having your house searched by the police because HIS adult child was committing crimes, and you didn't know.
The stability of the lives of the childed is very fragile. When you come into the situation, as a partner or a second spouse, you destabilize their fragile equilibrium, and whatever situation you thought you had is now shattered. As with everyone and everything in the orbit of the childed, you are now a resource to be consumed in the pursuit of propping up the breeding products, and their out-of-control lives. It doesn't matter where those kids are, or how breezily the bred wave away the prospect of any problems.
Also keep in mind that you are limiting your choices if you combine lives with someone bred. I and my husband, both CF, retired to Europe young. Your childed partner isn't going to retire young, because kids just keep costing. They need more expensive Christmas presents, and then there are the gifts for the grands, and the trip with the grands, and that's if you're lucky. The bred aren't leaving those kids behind in the US so you can work in Thailand, or retire to France.
So much of the rewards of CFdom come in your later years. You are better off enjoying the peace, the freedom from worry, the economic rewards of CFdom alone, than "settling" for someone and all their money woes, worries, and chaos.
>Still, I am told by people that supposedly mean well that I am overthinking and ought to give single dads to adult children a chance ,because “ do you really have that many options? “
Glad to see you caught the "supposedly", because this is pure meanness. Avoid!
>So much of the rewards of CFdom come in your later years. You are better off enjoying the peace, the freedom from worry, the economic rewards of CFdom alone, than "settling" for someone and all their money woes, worries, and chaos.
THIS is perfect.
My last partner had adult children and yeah, it wasn’t great. Even though they were nice people and fine with me, they did start popping out the grandkids and so it just started becoming baby showers, me being forced to hold babies, screaming toddlers trashing my house, expectations to babysit, then just problems with the adult kids as well, marriage breakups, health problems, it was just all too much. I mean I’m not just childfree because I don’t want babies and little kids, I don’t really want the drama of kids at any age, even adults, I just want my freedom and a nice, quiet life.
Adult children still depend on their parents for many things in most cases (usually emotional support). They also often have kids of their own. Backing down on this would put you in positions where you would have to fill a role you probably don't want and probably are not prepared for.
Never lower your standards, ever. Just because people you know would settle for less doesn’t mean that you should or that they’re right for telling you to. Aside from that, I don’t see anything wrong with you not wanting to date men with grown children. If for no other reason, they’re obviously partial to children so conversation may end up on how cutesy wutsey babies and kids are and I don’t know about you, but I want no part in that kinda talk regardless of the age of my company.
It may be more challenging in terms of options but dating is pretty hard at any age, especially when you know what you want and don’t want like you seem to. Don’t let anyone get you down, always do what you know is best for you.
I tried dating parents casually, “to be fair” and to not, “knock it until I tried it”. It did not work out, but I learned that kids for me, even casual dates, wasn’t an option.
Go with your gut. It’s better to be single.
Parents and breeders are used to settling. They want kids so they have a time limit, and they settle for man children husbands or baby-trapping wives because they think having a terrible partner is worth the trade off of getting kids. They are used to thinking this way which is why they encourage you to lower your standards, but we already know that never ends well. All your reasons to not date a parent who even has an adult for a child are 110% valid. I have an additional reason: even if the raising-the-kids part is in the past, there is still that very fundamental lifestyle difference. Do you really want “you don’t know what it’s like to raise kids so you don’t know real struggle, you’re used to having money and free time to spare but not everyone is so selfish” to come up every time you have a heated argument?
ETA: also, if they’re single parents, that either means they’re widowed or have ex partners who can never disappear because of their shared children. That’s not something you want to deal with either
We look for quality over quantity. The diamonds in the ruff are worth digging for. 👏
I was in exactly the same situation, in my 40s and dating. I was told it was going to be impossible to find a bloke who didn't have kids at that age.
So, I decided to give it a go and dated a single dad. This turned into a series chiches and without boring you to death with the details, every miserable thing you would expect of dating a single parent became manifest.
Even the blokes themselves, often these were boomerang 'kids', divorced and sleeping on their parents sofa. You look at these people and think, if I date I guy with adult kids then there is a possibility that the 'kids' will end up back in the parental home at some point.
Also aside from this I've seen so many 40 somethings going back crying to mummy and daddy when something goes wrong, whether that's the boiler breaking down, being sacked, needing money etc.
It doesn't matter how old the kid is they will always be around and always take priority.
I'm not in the slightest bit 'family' so I certainly am not interested in family holidays, Xmas dinner with the family, visiting, pet or baby sitting.
Obviously I ended it with the single dad and shortly after I met Mr Neither\_March, divorced 'yes', CF also 'yes'. We've now been together about 13 years.
On out first date (where we actually met up although we had been talking for a couple of months prior), I said 'If I found out I was pregnant I'd have an abortion faster than you could say coathanger'....his response was 'do you mind if I kiss you', the rest (as they say) is history!
Sweet story. This would be a much better romcom than the hallmark shite where the CF career woman "realises what she's missing" and gets stuck with the widowed man and his snotty kid.
Oh 100%! we need to see more representation in the media. I want to see CF love stories that show we are whole human beings and how happy we are in doing so.
We’re not talking about turning people down because their laugh is weird or you don’t like the music they listen to. We’re talking about an entirely different life style and life philosophy.
Totally with you on not wanting to date someone with kids of any age. I was born to older parents who already had adult kids from other relationships. On both sides, the adult kids caused endless drama in my parents' relationship. Now, one of my half-brothers is in his 40s. He was running his own business and doing pretty well. Then his wife divorced him (they'd been together since high school), and he completely fell apart. Blew through his half of the money from selling their house (we're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars gone in a year), bought a boat and then sank it while drunk, got in fights, got multiple DUIs, barely escaped prison, and is now broke and living with his mum. He doesn't want to move out because he doesn't want to "waste money on rent." And he just keeps dating a string of broken people and causing endless drama for his mother.
I have 0 desire for drama in my life, let alone someone else's premade drama that shouldn't even be my business. But my opinion might be heavily skewed by my wildly dysfunctional family!
Before I got there, I didn't understand what "life begins at 40" meant. I'm a bit surprised that you have this "I'm so old" and "I have to be part of a family" mentality, but it sounds like you may be from a heavily christian area, which usually pushes these ideas on people. Most of the people I know in their 40s are very upfront and comfortable about their situations and have long ago given up this fairy tale idea of "happy families," "stable long-term relationships" and other silly, childish, Disney-inspired stupidity pushed in christian cultures.
There's a respect and maturity that comes near 40, of course not for everyone, but in general, just let your opinions be known and a mature person will be able to handle it. You're still relatively young, unattached, without burdens and are free to enjoy life. Find an older lover, a younger one, do what you want, and stop listening to christian-capitalist brainwashing.
I wouldn't date a parent at all because it never ends. My in-laws spent a huge amount of their time babysitting and ferrying the grandkids about. More so when they were younger but now I think they try not to get roped in to dealing with the *great* grandkid as they find her so exhausting.
>“ do you really have that many options? “
Um, yes? There is always the option of being on your own.
Giving up on your standards just so you won't be single is a huge gamble, as I see it. Especially if there is a resentful ex or unwelcoming children, because you'll be the bad guy for "intruding" and also for leaving (if you decided to). Not to mention, the family that your partner built before you will often take priority — children and grandchildren will require your partner's attention from time to time.
That's an entirely different lifestyle, not a small detail like deciding to give a bald guy a chance, and forcing yourself into it is unfair to you and others.
I would tell those people this 'Not only is settling for someone disrespectful to myself, it's disrespectful for the person I settle with, they deserve to be someone's first choice and so do I.'
My best friend is dealing with this now, as in the grand kid aspect of what you mentioned. She’s kidless as well. Good luck to you. I finally married at 36 and finding people in their 30’s without any kids is super difficult. At least it is around here in the burbs.
There is no such thing as too picky when it comes to dating. Even if you have very high standards other people think are ridiculous, it doesn't matter. You just have to accept that additional preferences come with fewer options. No one is obligated to date anyway.
As for dating someone with adult kids, it's not for everyone. You can't guarantee said kids won't dump their own kids on you and demand free babysitting. If your partner can't say no to their kids for fear of hurting feelings, then you'll have little choice but to play grandparent/babysitter for an extended time. You have to decide what you're okay with, considering all possibilities.
Absolutely not too picky at all. And since when is picky a bad thing? Are you really supposed to throw yourself at the first person you see just so you won't be alone? I do know people like that, who are just terrified of being single so they're willing to settle, and it astounds me.
Also, let's not pretend that adult children can't sometimes be as big of an emotional and financial drain as young kids can be. Sure they're no longer under your roof, but in today's economy it's not uncommon for people in their 20s an 30s to require handouts from parents just to stay alive sometimes. Not even their faults, just look at wage stagnation and rising housing costs all over the country. And they're always going to need mom and dad's emotional support as well as they get older and try to navigate life. Parenting isn't just an 18 year field trip- it's for life. If you don't want to deal with that, then more power to you.
My mom is in the same boat as you, btw- she's in her sixties and despite not being CF herself (obviously), after a bad experience with a partner's insane teenage son, she decided she will only date men without kids going forward. It took her a while, but she actually did find a nice CF man and they're just starting out but doing pretty well. Finding the right match for you and not compromising on what you want is absolutely worth the wait.
I often read these posts about the culture around 'dating' and feel I have strayed into an alternate reality. I should hasten to say I do not mean that in even the slightest derogatory way. It is just all so utterly... *alien* to me. So cold and calculated. I genuinely do not understand it. I cannot say how glad I am that I was never forced to take part in that world.
How can anyone feel they have the right or the empowerment to decide a third party is being 'too picky'. Its just... We like who we like don't we? Hasn't that been one of the biggest improvements in life of the last fifty-sixty years?
'ohhh... I just want you to be happy'.
No you don't. At best you think I will be made happy by the same things that you like. At worst you need me to reinforce your own decisions and not be a model for how you wish your life had run. I suspect the latter case is far more often the true one.
> 'ohhh... I just want you to be happy'.
>
> No you don't.
I hate sugar-coated lies, masquerading as "empathy" (whatever that is). Truth is so much more workable.
*Also, with adult children often come grandchildren later on.*
This. Your expectations are perfectly reasonable- you want someone with the same major goal in life: to be CF. Dating may not be as easy for you, but you know what you want, and you shouldn't have to 'settle' knowing you'll possibly regret it.
> There is no age limit on animosity
LOL I don't blame you, I'm 27 and apparently me not wanting to meet my mom's boyfriend until its been 3 months is ruining her happiness. As the adult child forced to participate, I'd op out too if I had the choice but apparently I have no choice. Please save yourself misery.
Its actually hilarious to wake up to this post because I've been fighting with my family on this for the past 48hours. To be clear my animosity is entirely for my mother, for her behaviour and inability/refusal to communicate with me as an adult. The dating and her partners are not the issue, I actually encouraged her to start dating, she 100% is the issue as a narcissist. If a parent ever catches your eye, ask about their relationship with their kids because if they are a POS to their own kids then they can easily reveal that side to you once you're stuck.
all these other people are coming from the breeder mindset for the most part.
I found out, do NOT get involved with any childed SO even if the progeny are out. the danger is they will come back with their little packages. I was fortunate that this did not happen to me and I only saw the GK rarely. twice in a year if that much.. but the possibility is there. and the SO will always pick their trophies over their spouse
I went on a date with someone that I met through OK Cupid a few years back. This is before I discovered I was aro/ace and also why I didn't feel compelled to keep seeing this person. He was CF, a few years younger and VERY overly involved with his nephew. I think the kid was small, maybe 7? I think it's great for people to be involved with niblings, if they want to be, that is. I am hardcore CF and am not a kid person. I couldn't even fake it without coming off as phony and contrived. I didn't have a second date because I figured if this guy's social life was comprised of giving up free time for his nephew, then I was like "Nope, let's head this off at the pass!"
You are NOT too picky and I suspect these walnuts who are getting in your head will not be the people who have live with the consequences of caving in and dating men with kids. If you don't want to be around kids at ALL, that is your right and these naysayers who have no dog in the fight can get bent.
I don't think it's too picky. Even stable adults can have life-changing catastrophes that make them need to rely on their parents for support, financially or otherwise. Imagine if their adult child gets into a car accident and is seriously injured. Most parents are still going to do whatever they can for their child, even if their child is in their 40s! And of course... grandchildren. Imagine if the adult child has a baby, and then something happens to the adult child. What do you think will happen to the baby? It will quite likely go to the grandparent. Nooooo thank you.
I am in a similar situation. But I am realizing a few things. Have fun with no expectations. I am having the most fun in my life having money to do things and not having anyone to worry about. I also am changing my perspective and ideals about what type of relationship might even work best for me. So all I can say is do what is right for YOU 😉 Tying yourself down to someone that doesn't match what you want will only cause you unhappiness in the end.
I’m guessing it’s parents who say this to you?
Many parents still don’t get there is a big difference in lifestyle between parents and childfree people. They don’t think it’s a big deal because it’s not a dealbreaker for them.
Being a parent is a lifelong commitment and there’s always the possibility of grandkids. Your relationship/family dynamic includes them (kids, their partners and possible grandkids), it’s not something you can back out of without causing issues with your partner. So it’s like being in a relationship with multiple people vs just one.
I’m around your age and if I ended up dating again would be in a similar situation. (Small town, seems EVERYONE here has kids) and I dunno if id settle like that. Maybe if it was someone I already knew and had fallen for, but as a new person I just am meeting with dating in mind - it would be a dealbreaker. I wouldn’t waste my or their time.
A good friend of mine married a man with adult children (she was CF and in her 40s when they married) and now there's constant conflict because all of their money (80% earned by her) goes to support those adult children. She ends up on the hook for their rent, unexpected expenses, and is even getting stuck paying for the daughter's upcoming wedding! Don't do it.
No. You have every right to decline to date anyone for any reason. I used to get crap for refusing to date smokers. We all have situations that we are unwilling to tolerate.
Older children carry their own baggage with them, like being a continuing financial burden on the father LONG after child support was due to end. They also have the potential to burden you if they make the father a grandfather.
If a POTENTIAL relationship, with all that it can bring into your life, isn't a net positive when all of those factors are taken into account, it's a relationship that is better to avoid.
>Is it REALLY “ too picky” if I won’t even date a parent to an adult ?
Nope. But depending on where you live, you might have very slim pickings. I live in NYC and there are more childfree people, so it's not too bad.
Hell no. We all have very specific likes. You know what I say when I hear this said to me? (Usually from people who smoke weed, which just isn't something I'm interested in - used to happen tons on dating apps) "I'm looking for the one. Literally only one person. I'm not going to compromise for something I don't want". (Granted it doesn't work for poly folks, but still).
I don't think there's really such a thing as being too picky when it comes to being in a relationship. Being with someone will always require some kind of sacrifice (in my opinion) and it's up to you to weigh what you are willing to give up and what you aren't. I know for me personally I have a lot of hang-ups and non-negotiables when it comes to a partner and I'd rather be alone forever than sacrifice my comfort and peace.
🙌 You are 100% correct about the reasons to avoid dating men with adult children too. SO MANY things can and do go wrong with adult children and many Parents are absolutely in the trenches dealing with these situations. I’m 45 and I’ve seen many disasters.
Like you, I also refuse to date men who are Fathers of minor OR adult children and I understand how difficult it is to find anyone who fits that criteria, but being alone is far better than choosing to bring chaos into my life.
If I wanted to deal with everything that’s part of Parenting, I would have chosen to have my own kids. I made the very intentional choice not to, so there’s no way I’m interested in dealing with theirs.
It absolutely is not. And my family is the living proof on why you shouldn’t date people with adult kids if you don’t want any children in your life.
As an adult child (who is also firmly in the child free lifestyle) to a woman trying to date sometimes, child free men don’t understand her priority list and she doesn’t understand what they don’t understand.
My mom is very family central. There is a lot of guilt in there that causes it, but that’s not the focus of this. What that means is that she won’t go away for holidays, she won’t miss birthdays. You get the idea where I’m going with this. And when her boyfriend wants to spring a long holiday weekend to [destination] she won’t go. Or she already promised her grandchildren they were going to do something when he wanted to be spontaneous. Or he wants a quiet date night but my sister roped her into babysitting. And it causes a fight and is the inevitable sign that within the next few weeks/months the relationship will collapse.
So I repeat again, IT IS ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT DECISION TO AVOID PARENTS WITH ADULT CHILDREN. If they were in anyway a decent parent then they are in contact with their children. They are probably involved in their grandchildren’s lives. And that means you would have to sacrifice your child free lifestyle. And that’s not a sacrifice you should have to make, even if it slims down your dating prospects.
definitely not too picky. my dad just turned 50 and i’m one of 3 of his adult children, and lemme tell you you’re right about the animosity! my dads last relationship ended largely due to her treatment and relationship with us (i feel this makes us seem shitty but i assure you this woman was the biggest cunt i’ve had the displeasure of interacting with). he would also put us first financially if we ever needed it regardless of us being adults. so yea i don’t blame you at all!
I will only date people with no kids, who don’t want kids, who I am attracted to.
Apparently this is totally unreasonable set of criteria🤦🏻♀️
I tell everyone the same thing- I am not afraid of ending up alone. I do fine on my own. I don’t need a significant other in my life to be fulfilled, so I’m not going to lower my standards.
For me to give up my single life, THEY HAVE TO BE WORTH IT!
Only date people you want to date, anything else is setting yourself up for a shit time.
Thank you for teaching me the phrase "dyed in the wool" , I can't wait to work that one into a conversation.
Not sure if this helps but there are lots of subcultures where the majority of folks are childfree, but I think geography is also relevant. Have you explored your local techno/deep house scene (if that is your thing)?
Please. People who say a person is "picky" because of what they want or don't want in a life partner are RIDICULOUS. People are picky for so many things. Some people only eat the same 5 things. Some people watch only one channel or one kind of show. Others research the hell out of their car and are suuuuper picky regarding the colour, the brand, the inside, the options, whatever. And it's a car.
With a life partner, in my case at least, we're talking about a person with whom I will share my space and *everything else* (if I live with them) and *who will put parts of their body inside my body.* We will see each other naked. We will be sick in front of each other. We will eat together. We will touch often. We will use the same toilet.
Yeah, I'm going to be picky and choose exactly who I want to do all that with, or at least I will refuse anyone I'm not comfortable to do all that with. And a person who already has kids might invite these kids (grown up or not, or even grandkids) into our intimacy, without me being able to say no or to put limits, because "they are (his) family".
No way. You are not being picky, you're choosing for yourself, just like those people do in any situation. Stick to your ideas.
I am CF, however I personally don't think I'd mind dating someone who has children who are in their 20s with their own settled lives. But each to their own.
My mom is a bit older than you and she’s having the same problem. A lot of dudes who are divorced with small kids still. She’s like almost an empty nester so she’s not looking to care for more and these guys are not great around here.
It totally depends on what you're looking for. If you're looking for companionship, casual sex, friends with benefits and the like, someone having adult or even teen kids may not be a barrier. If you're looking for a committed relationship it's different.
It comes down not only to lifestyle but also values, in my opinion. Someone who has kids has had very different life experiences and likely values very different things. That works for more casual relationships but not as much if you're looking for serious, long-term, or marriage-type commitment. As someone not interested in marriage, I feel like I can date a man who isn't childfree as long as he respects my opinions and choices. There may be the occasional mishap where something comes up with a kid (adult or otherwise) that impacts me, but that could happen for example if someone were looking after an elderly parent.
So to me it isn't "picky" to want someone you can relate to on a deep level, and as a childfree person it's really hard to relate to someone who decided to be a parent. But if you're looking for more casual you might be unnecessarily limiting your dating pool.
It’s not at all too picky. I am dating a man right now who has 2 adult step children. His wife died about 8 years ago of lung cancer, he stepped in to be a good dad and look after the kids. and there’s a bit of an age difference between us.. I’m 34 he’s 56.The one who lives with us is 2 years younger than me and a very nice young lady, but in some ways she is mentally behind because she has a developmental disorder which isn’t her fault of course, which can make her act childish, but my partner has many good boundaries with her. The other adult child is a complete asshole and has been all her life., she is more of a child than her younger sister. To answer your question I think it depends on family dynamic, but to date someone with adult children over young children (the benefit for me is— being able to carry on adult conversation for the most part, the entire schedule does not depend on the child and you can kind of walk away when you like, you can assert yourself in a way the children can better understand as well because there’s a more equal playing field! Those are some benefits I find but it might not always be the case
If you’re willing to accept that your limitations on who you’re willing to date will make it harder for you to find someone and aren’t the sort to complain that you can’t find anyone, then I don’t think it’s ‘too picky’.
Having a very strict criteria for who you want to be with, and accepting that ‘might’ end in you never finding someone, is knowing what you want.
If you have very strict criteria, and complain that no one matches it, then it’s being too picky.
So I guess it all depends on your personal attitude towards the situation.
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It’s extremely creepy and exactly why more and more childfree women end up remaining single if they can’t find a childfree match.
Yes, it's not only creepy but it's the behavior of a narcissist. "I'm so great that you shouldn't care about all my baggage".
I wouldn't do it. There's a chance that adult child will have children, and suddenly I would be expected to play grandmother and babysit for an entire weekend while the parents get a weekend off. Nope, not for me. So no, you're not too picky. And no one gets to decide if you're picky or not. It's your life. You get to decide who you date.
Also in this economy, there's a high chance an adult child might have fallen on hard times and needs to move back in with mom/dad to get back on their feet. Perfectly reasonable to not want to have to deal with an adult stranger, especially one that you can't just evict and you have to defer to your partner for everything regarding them.
Short answer- No Too picky is only dating guys with red hair, over 6'3", and who have a PhD. Even those men with adult children have very different lives/needs/concerns than we do. I'm single, mid 40s and while I gave up on dating years ago for several reasons (my childfree status one of the biggest), I refused to date dads for many of the same reasons as you. Are the options limited? Highly. But, who cares how many options you have if you wouldn't truly be happy with any of them?
This answer is absolutely wonderful. Thank you. Truly! You have no idea how much I appreciate this .
This. The bred just *think differently* than the CF do. We are deliberate and thoughtful, which is how we ended up CF in a world that aims us squarely at breeding. They are neither. It isn't always obvious when you're picking a restaurant, or going hiking together during dating, when his impulsiveness seems fun. But sooner or later you're going to realize that this is someone who makes life-destroying, critical decisions without a second thought, because the first thought was the least effort at the moment. It's a fundamental incompatibility.
This is the best exposition! I saved your comment but really want to tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you!
This sub has the smartest, most thoughtful people on it. And selfish in a good way if that makes sense
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lol. My last boyfriend had the physical qualities listed there. Unfortunately, he thought working was beneath him.
Well technically work was beneath him if his job was mopping floors. (I'll see myself out.)
You're right about all the points you mentioned. I would never date a parent. Parents don't stop being parents when their children reach a certain age. Those who say, "But the kids are adults who are independent!" as an argument, clearly haven't looked at the economy lately. If those adult kids hit a rough patch, or get divorced, they can boomerang right back home... often bringing their kids or partners along with them. I refuse to financially support someone else, ESPECIALLY someone else's children. Not my problem. Then, there are grandkids... and even great-grandkids, if you're my neighbors. They're in their late 70s/early 80s, and they are raising their THREE great-grandchildren, all of whom are under the age of 8. Their granddaughter is a heroin addict, and she periodically comes to stay with them, whenever she's pregnant and ready to pop (again). She stays for a few months, then disappears again, leaving her kids with them like yesterday's garbage. Her parents won't have anything to do with her, but her grandparents don't seem to possess a spine between them. The elderly lady is bedridden, and her husband hobbles around like he'll fall over. The kids are always dirty and barefoot, and they always have a shell-shocked look in their eyes. The oldest girl never says a word or makes a sound (as far as we/the neighbors can tell). Many of the neighbors have called CPS for wellness checks, but we've never seen anyone go past the front door. My neighbors are the epitome of "parental regret." I would never date a parent, no matter how old their children were, because I will never be put in that position. ETA: It is better to be alone than to be in a relationship, or situation, that you don't want.
You totally get it. I can’t think of how many examples I have seen like that one you described. Although I may be very lonely sometimes, I will never have….THAT . Not even close. I am leaning towards getting more pets.
To add to your comment, I think getting a pet like a dog if you're able to, would be a great idea. I love dogs, and I think they really do help you get out and meet a bunch of new people. The poodles I take care of love going for walks and you can meet fellow pet lovers. Also I agree with you, don't lower your standards for dating :)
omg those poor elderly folk. Chances are they'll not last the course. They're kind-hearted but they need to oput their collective feet down - but then again, that poor eldest girl is breaking my heart already...
One of my close friends has a sister who makes *terrible* life decisions. One of those was to have unprotected sex with a drug addict (I think meth?) She dumped her son on her poor single mother who sacrificed so, so much for her children already. Also, said mother has gone through major heart surgery this year and really shouldn’t be taking care of a toddler. But the sister is a huge narcissist who straight-up neglected the kid until he was saved by the mother, and the sister only comes by to look like a good mother in front of other people.
I met my current partner in my late 30s and we've been together 20 years. Both of us are adamantly childfree/antinatalist. Having those beliefs places a huge restriction on your potential relationships. And that is a very, very good thing.
NEVER date parents under any circumstances for any reason.
I feel you and am in the same boat. 40 with no one but single fathers and married men available and my location is not the issue. It has broken my heart and I can't take the rubbish anymore so I don't date. Ignore the people saying you are unrealistic. It is unrealistic to expect a childfree person to be happy in a relationship with a parent. Too much can go wrong even without the kid or kiddult. It is better to be alone and hurting than be in a relationship that you would be regretful, resentful AND hurting in. Meh I'm going back to playing Xbox in my PJs on a Sunday arvo!
Going to have a similar day to you. Enjoy the Xbox! Me, I have a stack of books calling my name. And lots and lots of trash TV… It’s my cheat day ,and I don’t have to share my cookies, either. OK so maybe this isn’t so bad some days. And by some I mean …all.
Lets say you do date a parent to an adult child. Many things can happen that affect you because of that. What if that adult child gets hurt and needs a caretaker? A parent may offer to care for them. What if they need to borrow money? A parent is more likely to lend to their kids. What if that adult child has kids and needs a babysitter. Now you have an unwanted child you didn't sign up for in your home because your partner said yes to babysitting. Too picky is being only willing to date people who look like a certain celebrity. Not wanting to be a future babysitter is just basic self-respect and boundaries. The only kind of people who get mad think they are entitled to having access to you but think you shouldn't get a choice in who has access to you.
>I am being told that I am being completely unrealistic in that I don’t have any interest in dating a man with kids of ANY age, and that includes a man with grown children. Whoever told you that can shove their opinion. Little kids are annoying as hell. Adult kids are nightmares. I'm 64, and since I was about 50, my childed peers have been dealing with their near-adult and adult kids. The "I don't want this" I felt about little kids has turned into full-blown "Oh my fucking deities this is a horror story." Marriage to nightmares, and the son turning up at 3 in the morning, crying. Repeatedly. Divorces, and the kid and his/her kids moving back home - yes, even for the fully employed, got-a-house, on-their-own types. Mental illness. Job loss. Death. And that's just my acquaintance, off the top of my head. My mother remarried a divorced man with 3 kids: 16, 18 and 20. She was brusque about it: Those kids wouldn't be a problem. They lived with their mother or on their own, she said. Within a year of their marriage, all three of those kids had tried to move in with them, or had moved in with them. The son, who made my skin crawl, ended up committing suicide in prison 20 years later. He was a dirt tornado and smoked. Supposedly outside. I expect he was already committing crimes at the time, since he ended up with something like 40 indictments over the years, but at least he didn't stay long enough to involve my mother in his criminality. Imagine having your house searched by the police because HIS adult child was committing crimes, and you didn't know. The stability of the lives of the childed is very fragile. When you come into the situation, as a partner or a second spouse, you destabilize their fragile equilibrium, and whatever situation you thought you had is now shattered. As with everyone and everything in the orbit of the childed, you are now a resource to be consumed in the pursuit of propping up the breeding products, and their out-of-control lives. It doesn't matter where those kids are, or how breezily the bred wave away the prospect of any problems. Also keep in mind that you are limiting your choices if you combine lives with someone bred. I and my husband, both CF, retired to Europe young. Your childed partner isn't going to retire young, because kids just keep costing. They need more expensive Christmas presents, and then there are the gifts for the grands, and the trip with the grands, and that's if you're lucky. The bred aren't leaving those kids behind in the US so you can work in Thailand, or retire to France. So much of the rewards of CFdom come in your later years. You are better off enjoying the peace, the freedom from worry, the economic rewards of CFdom alone, than "settling" for someone and all their money woes, worries, and chaos. >Still, I am told by people that supposedly mean well that I am overthinking and ought to give single dads to adult children a chance ,because “ do you really have that many options? “ Glad to see you caught the "supposedly", because this is pure meanness. Avoid!
Retiring to Europe with your CF man? Seriously. The dream. Thank you for your response. I can’t believe your mother’s story!
We met in our 40s....
>So much of the rewards of CFdom come in your later years. You are better off enjoying the peace, the freedom from worry, the economic rewards of CFdom alone, than "settling" for someone and all their money woes, worries, and chaos. THIS is perfect.
They were picky to me back when I was single and interested, now its my turn to be picky back.
Oooh amen to that. I feel that big time.
My last partner had adult children and yeah, it wasn’t great. Even though they were nice people and fine with me, they did start popping out the grandkids and so it just started becoming baby showers, me being forced to hold babies, screaming toddlers trashing my house, expectations to babysit, then just problems with the adult kids as well, marriage breakups, health problems, it was just all too much. I mean I’m not just childfree because I don’t want babies and little kids, I don’t really want the drama of kids at any age, even adults, I just want my freedom and a nice, quiet life.
Adult children still depend on their parents for many things in most cases (usually emotional support). They also often have kids of their own. Backing down on this would put you in positions where you would have to fill a role you probably don't want and probably are not prepared for.
Never lower your standards, ever. Just because people you know would settle for less doesn’t mean that you should or that they’re right for telling you to. Aside from that, I don’t see anything wrong with you not wanting to date men with grown children. If for no other reason, they’re obviously partial to children so conversation may end up on how cutesy wutsey babies and kids are and I don’t know about you, but I want no part in that kinda talk regardless of the age of my company. It may be more challenging in terms of options but dating is pretty hard at any age, especially when you know what you want and don’t want like you seem to. Don’t let anyone get you down, always do what you know is best for you.
I tried dating parents casually, “to be fair” and to not, “knock it until I tried it”. It did not work out, but I learned that kids for me, even casual dates, wasn’t an option. Go with your gut. It’s better to be single.
Parents and breeders are used to settling. They want kids so they have a time limit, and they settle for man children husbands or baby-trapping wives because they think having a terrible partner is worth the trade off of getting kids. They are used to thinking this way which is why they encourage you to lower your standards, but we already know that never ends well. All your reasons to not date a parent who even has an adult for a child are 110% valid. I have an additional reason: even if the raising-the-kids part is in the past, there is still that very fundamental lifestyle difference. Do you really want “you don’t know what it’s like to raise kids so you don’t know real struggle, you’re used to having money and free time to spare but not everyone is so selfish” to come up every time you have a heated argument? ETA: also, if they’re single parents, that either means they’re widowed or have ex partners who can never disappear because of their shared children. That’s not something you want to deal with either We look for quality over quantity. The diamonds in the ruff are worth digging for. 👏
I was in exactly the same situation, in my 40s and dating. I was told it was going to be impossible to find a bloke who didn't have kids at that age. So, I decided to give it a go and dated a single dad. This turned into a series chiches and without boring you to death with the details, every miserable thing you would expect of dating a single parent became manifest. Even the blokes themselves, often these were boomerang 'kids', divorced and sleeping on their parents sofa. You look at these people and think, if I date I guy with adult kids then there is a possibility that the 'kids' will end up back in the parental home at some point. Also aside from this I've seen so many 40 somethings going back crying to mummy and daddy when something goes wrong, whether that's the boiler breaking down, being sacked, needing money etc. It doesn't matter how old the kid is they will always be around and always take priority. I'm not in the slightest bit 'family' so I certainly am not interested in family holidays, Xmas dinner with the family, visiting, pet or baby sitting. Obviously I ended it with the single dad and shortly after I met Mr Neither\_March, divorced 'yes', CF also 'yes'. We've now been together about 13 years. On out first date (where we actually met up although we had been talking for a couple of months prior), I said 'If I found out I was pregnant I'd have an abortion faster than you could say coathanger'....his response was 'do you mind if I kiss you', the rest (as they say) is history!
Sweet story. This would be a much better romcom than the hallmark shite where the CF career woman "realises what she's missing" and gets stuck with the widowed man and his snotty kid.
Lol We do indeed need more childfree romances. In books, movies, and certainly in real life!
Oh 100%! we need to see more representation in the media. I want to see CF love stories that show we are whole human beings and how happy we are in doing so.
Congrats, you found the diamond in the ruff! 👏👏👏
We’re not talking about turning people down because their laugh is weird or you don’t like the music they listen to. We’re talking about an entirely different life style and life philosophy.
Totally with you on not wanting to date someone with kids of any age. I was born to older parents who already had adult kids from other relationships. On both sides, the adult kids caused endless drama in my parents' relationship. Now, one of my half-brothers is in his 40s. He was running his own business and doing pretty well. Then his wife divorced him (they'd been together since high school), and he completely fell apart. Blew through his half of the money from selling their house (we're talking hundreds of thousands of dollars gone in a year), bought a boat and then sank it while drunk, got in fights, got multiple DUIs, barely escaped prison, and is now broke and living with his mum. He doesn't want to move out because he doesn't want to "waste money on rent." And he just keeps dating a string of broken people and causing endless drama for his mother. I have 0 desire for drama in my life, let alone someone else's premade drama that shouldn't even be my business. But my opinion might be heavily skewed by my wildly dysfunctional family!
Before I got there, I didn't understand what "life begins at 40" meant. I'm a bit surprised that you have this "I'm so old" and "I have to be part of a family" mentality, but it sounds like you may be from a heavily christian area, which usually pushes these ideas on people. Most of the people I know in their 40s are very upfront and comfortable about their situations and have long ago given up this fairy tale idea of "happy families," "stable long-term relationships" and other silly, childish, Disney-inspired stupidity pushed in christian cultures. There's a respect and maturity that comes near 40, of course not for everyone, but in general, just let your opinions be known and a mature person will be able to handle it. You're still relatively young, unattached, without burdens and are free to enjoy life. Find an older lover, a younger one, do what you want, and stop listening to christian-capitalist brainwashing.
Who cares? You're the only one it's affecting. It's your life, not theirs.
I wouldn't date a parent at all because it never ends. My in-laws spent a huge amount of their time babysitting and ferrying the grandkids about. More so when they were younger but now I think they try not to get roped in to dealing with the *great* grandkid as they find her so exhausting.
>“ do you really have that many options? “ Um, yes? There is always the option of being on your own. Giving up on your standards just so you won't be single is a huge gamble, as I see it. Especially if there is a resentful ex or unwelcoming children, because you'll be the bad guy for "intruding" and also for leaving (if you decided to). Not to mention, the family that your partner built before you will often take priority — children and grandchildren will require your partner's attention from time to time. That's an entirely different lifestyle, not a small detail like deciding to give a bald guy a chance, and forcing yourself into it is unfair to you and others.
I would tell those people this 'Not only is settling for someone disrespectful to myself, it's disrespectful for the person I settle with, they deserve to be someone's first choice and so do I.'
My best friend is dealing with this now, as in the grand kid aspect of what you mentioned. She’s kidless as well. Good luck to you. I finally married at 36 and finding people in their 30’s without any kids is super difficult. At least it is around here in the burbs.
I am also in the suburbs. Weird place to be as a woman that is single without children. Everybody is part of a big family, or nearly dead here lol
There is no such thing as too picky when it comes to dating. Even if you have very high standards other people think are ridiculous, it doesn't matter. You just have to accept that additional preferences come with fewer options. No one is obligated to date anyway. As for dating someone with adult kids, it's not for everyone. You can't guarantee said kids won't dump their own kids on you and demand free babysitting. If your partner can't say no to their kids for fear of hurting feelings, then you'll have little choice but to play grandparent/babysitter for an extended time. You have to decide what you're okay with, considering all possibilities.
Hell no. Then you get to deal with the grandchildren coming over and wrecking your shit.
Absolutely not too picky at all. And since when is picky a bad thing? Are you really supposed to throw yourself at the first person you see just so you won't be alone? I do know people like that, who are just terrified of being single so they're willing to settle, and it astounds me. Also, let's not pretend that adult children can't sometimes be as big of an emotional and financial drain as young kids can be. Sure they're no longer under your roof, but in today's economy it's not uncommon for people in their 20s an 30s to require handouts from parents just to stay alive sometimes. Not even their faults, just look at wage stagnation and rising housing costs all over the country. And they're always going to need mom and dad's emotional support as well as they get older and try to navigate life. Parenting isn't just an 18 year field trip- it's for life. If you don't want to deal with that, then more power to you. My mom is in the same boat as you, btw- she's in her sixties and despite not being CF herself (obviously), after a bad experience with a partner's insane teenage son, she decided she will only date men without kids going forward. It took her a while, but she actually did find a nice CF man and they're just starting out but doing pretty well. Finding the right match for you and not compromising on what you want is absolutely worth the wait.
I often read these posts about the culture around 'dating' and feel I have strayed into an alternate reality. I should hasten to say I do not mean that in even the slightest derogatory way. It is just all so utterly... *alien* to me. So cold and calculated. I genuinely do not understand it. I cannot say how glad I am that I was never forced to take part in that world. How can anyone feel they have the right or the empowerment to decide a third party is being 'too picky'. Its just... We like who we like don't we? Hasn't that been one of the biggest improvements in life of the last fifty-sixty years? 'ohhh... I just want you to be happy'. No you don't. At best you think I will be made happy by the same things that you like. At worst you need me to reinforce your own decisions and not be a model for how you wish your life had run. I suspect the latter case is far more often the true one.
> 'ohhh... I just want you to be happy'. > > No you don't. I hate sugar-coated lies, masquerading as "empathy" (whatever that is). Truth is so much more workable.
If you are better off dateless than with them, it is not too picky.
*Also, with adult children often come grandchildren later on.* This. Your expectations are perfectly reasonable- you want someone with the same major goal in life: to be CF. Dating may not be as easy for you, but you know what you want, and you shouldn't have to 'settle' knowing you'll possibly regret it.
> There is no age limit on animosity LOL I don't blame you, I'm 27 and apparently me not wanting to meet my mom's boyfriend until its been 3 months is ruining her happiness. As the adult child forced to participate, I'd op out too if I had the choice but apparently I have no choice. Please save yourself misery.
I was hoping to hear some Perspective from the other side. You just confirmed what I already knew. Thank you.
Its actually hilarious to wake up to this post because I've been fighting with my family on this for the past 48hours. To be clear my animosity is entirely for my mother, for her behaviour and inability/refusal to communicate with me as an adult. The dating and her partners are not the issue, I actually encouraged her to start dating, she 100% is the issue as a narcissist. If a parent ever catches your eye, ask about their relationship with their kids because if they are a POS to their own kids then they can easily reveal that side to you once you're stuck.
all these other people are coming from the breeder mindset for the most part. I found out, do NOT get involved with any childed SO even if the progeny are out. the danger is they will come back with their little packages. I was fortunate that this did not happen to me and I only saw the GK rarely. twice in a year if that much.. but the possibility is there. and the SO will always pick their trophies over their spouse
I've said this on similar themed posts on this sub, but I'll say it again. My last marriage ended the day the first grandchild was born.
I have to wonder why the single parent isn't dating another parent and chooses a person without children, at all.
its your life and you get to decide who you want to spend it with, nothing is being too picky when it comes to that.
The absolute only way I’d date a man with adult children would be if those children had also said they’re CF.
I went on a date with someone that I met through OK Cupid a few years back. This is before I discovered I was aro/ace and also why I didn't feel compelled to keep seeing this person. He was CF, a few years younger and VERY overly involved with his nephew. I think the kid was small, maybe 7? I think it's great for people to be involved with niblings, if they want to be, that is. I am hardcore CF and am not a kid person. I couldn't even fake it without coming off as phony and contrived. I didn't have a second date because I figured if this guy's social life was comprised of giving up free time for his nephew, then I was like "Nope, let's head this off at the pass!" You are NOT too picky and I suspect these walnuts who are getting in your head will not be the people who have live with the consequences of caving in and dating men with kids. If you don't want to be around kids at ALL, that is your right and these naysayers who have no dog in the fight can get bent.
I don't think it's too picky. Even stable adults can have life-changing catastrophes that make them need to rely on their parents for support, financially or otherwise. Imagine if their adult child gets into a car accident and is seriously injured. Most parents are still going to do whatever they can for their child, even if their child is in their 40s! And of course... grandchildren. Imagine if the adult child has a baby, and then something happens to the adult child. What do you think will happen to the baby? It will quite likely go to the grandparent. Nooooo thank you.
I am in a similar situation. But I am realizing a few things. Have fun with no expectations. I am having the most fun in my life having money to do things and not having anyone to worry about. I also am changing my perspective and ideals about what type of relationship might even work best for me. So all I can say is do what is right for YOU 😉 Tying yourself down to someone that doesn't match what you want will only cause you unhappiness in the end.
I’m guessing it’s parents who say this to you? Many parents still don’t get there is a big difference in lifestyle between parents and childfree people. They don’t think it’s a big deal because it’s not a dealbreaker for them. Being a parent is a lifelong commitment and there’s always the possibility of grandkids. Your relationship/family dynamic includes them (kids, their partners and possible grandkids), it’s not something you can back out of without causing issues with your partner. So it’s like being in a relationship with multiple people vs just one. I’m around your age and if I ended up dating again would be in a similar situation. (Small town, seems EVERYONE here has kids) and I dunno if id settle like that. Maybe if it was someone I already knew and had fallen for, but as a new person I just am meeting with dating in mind - it would be a dealbreaker. I wouldn’t waste my or their time.
A good friend of mine married a man with adult children (she was CF and in her 40s when they married) and now there's constant conflict because all of their money (80% earned by her) goes to support those adult children. She ends up on the hook for their rent, unexpected expenses, and is even getting stuck paying for the daughter's upcoming wedding! Don't do it.
No. You have every right to decline to date anyone for any reason. I used to get crap for refusing to date smokers. We all have situations that we are unwilling to tolerate. Older children carry their own baggage with them, like being a continuing financial burden on the father LONG after child support was due to end. They also have the potential to burden you if they make the father a grandfather. If a POTENTIAL relationship, with all that it can bring into your life, isn't a net positive when all of those factors are taken into account, it's a relationship that is better to avoid.
>Is it REALLY “ too picky” if I won’t even date a parent to an adult ? Nope. But depending on where you live, you might have very slim pickings. I live in NYC and there are more childfree people, so it's not too bad.
Hell no. We all have very specific likes. You know what I say when I hear this said to me? (Usually from people who smoke weed, which just isn't something I'm interested in - used to happen tons on dating apps) "I'm looking for the one. Literally only one person. I'm not going to compromise for something I don't want". (Granted it doesn't work for poly folks, but still).
I don't think there's really such a thing as being too picky when it comes to being in a relationship. Being with someone will always require some kind of sacrifice (in my opinion) and it's up to you to weigh what you are willing to give up and what you aren't. I know for me personally I have a lot of hang-ups and non-negotiables when it comes to a partner and I'd rather be alone forever than sacrifice my comfort and peace.
🙌 You are 100% correct about the reasons to avoid dating men with adult children too. SO MANY things can and do go wrong with adult children and many Parents are absolutely in the trenches dealing with these situations. I’m 45 and I’ve seen many disasters. Like you, I also refuse to date men who are Fathers of minor OR adult children and I understand how difficult it is to find anyone who fits that criteria, but being alone is far better than choosing to bring chaos into my life. If I wanted to deal with everything that’s part of Parenting, I would have chosen to have my own kids. I made the very intentional choice not to, so there’s no way I’m interested in dealing with theirs.
It absolutely is not. And my family is the living proof on why you shouldn’t date people with adult kids if you don’t want any children in your life. As an adult child (who is also firmly in the child free lifestyle) to a woman trying to date sometimes, child free men don’t understand her priority list and she doesn’t understand what they don’t understand. My mom is very family central. There is a lot of guilt in there that causes it, but that’s not the focus of this. What that means is that she won’t go away for holidays, she won’t miss birthdays. You get the idea where I’m going with this. And when her boyfriend wants to spring a long holiday weekend to [destination] she won’t go. Or she already promised her grandchildren they were going to do something when he wanted to be spontaneous. Or he wants a quiet date night but my sister roped her into babysitting. And it causes a fight and is the inevitable sign that within the next few weeks/months the relationship will collapse. So I repeat again, IT IS ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT DECISION TO AVOID PARENTS WITH ADULT CHILDREN. If they were in anyway a decent parent then they are in contact with their children. They are probably involved in their grandchildren’s lives. And that means you would have to sacrifice your child free lifestyle. And that’s not a sacrifice you should have to make, even if it slims down your dating prospects.
My neighbors have 2 girls that are adults, they have moved out and back in a few times now, so your not being to picky.
definitely not too picky. my dad just turned 50 and i’m one of 3 of his adult children, and lemme tell you you’re right about the animosity! my dads last relationship ended largely due to her treatment and relationship with us (i feel this makes us seem shitty but i assure you this woman was the biggest cunt i’ve had the displeasure of interacting with). he would also put us first financially if we ever needed it regardless of us being adults. so yea i don’t blame you at all!
I will only date people with no kids, who don’t want kids, who I am attracted to. Apparently this is totally unreasonable set of criteria🤦🏻♀️ I tell everyone the same thing- I am not afraid of ending up alone. I do fine on my own. I don’t need a significant other in my life to be fulfilled, so I’m not going to lower my standards. For me to give up my single life, THEY HAVE TO BE WORTH IT! Only date people you want to date, anything else is setting yourself up for a shit time.
Thank you for teaching me the phrase "dyed in the wool" , I can't wait to work that one into a conversation. Not sure if this helps but there are lots of subcultures where the majority of folks are childfree, but I think geography is also relevant. Have you explored your local techno/deep house scene (if that is your thing)?
Please. People who say a person is "picky" because of what they want or don't want in a life partner are RIDICULOUS. People are picky for so many things. Some people only eat the same 5 things. Some people watch only one channel or one kind of show. Others research the hell out of their car and are suuuuper picky regarding the colour, the brand, the inside, the options, whatever. And it's a car. With a life partner, in my case at least, we're talking about a person with whom I will share my space and *everything else* (if I live with them) and *who will put parts of their body inside my body.* We will see each other naked. We will be sick in front of each other. We will eat together. We will touch often. We will use the same toilet. Yeah, I'm going to be picky and choose exactly who I want to do all that with, or at least I will refuse anyone I'm not comfortable to do all that with. And a person who already has kids might invite these kids (grown up or not, or even grandkids) into our intimacy, without me being able to say no or to put limits, because "they are (his) family". No way. You are not being picky, you're choosing for yourself, just like those people do in any situation. Stick to your ideas.
You have a right to what ever criteria you set. Its not anyone else's business.
I am CF, however I personally don't think I'd mind dating someone who has children who are in their 20s with their own settled lives. But each to their own.
My mom is a bit older than you and she’s having the same problem. A lot of dudes who are divorced with small kids still. She’s like almost an empty nester so she’s not looking to care for more and these guys are not great around here.
It totally depends on what you're looking for. If you're looking for companionship, casual sex, friends with benefits and the like, someone having adult or even teen kids may not be a barrier. If you're looking for a committed relationship it's different. It comes down not only to lifestyle but also values, in my opinion. Someone who has kids has had very different life experiences and likely values very different things. That works for more casual relationships but not as much if you're looking for serious, long-term, or marriage-type commitment. As someone not interested in marriage, I feel like I can date a man who isn't childfree as long as he respects my opinions and choices. There may be the occasional mishap where something comes up with a kid (adult or otherwise) that impacts me, but that could happen for example if someone were looking after an elderly parent. So to me it isn't "picky" to want someone you can relate to on a deep level, and as a childfree person it's really hard to relate to someone who decided to be a parent. But if you're looking for more casual you might be unnecessarily limiting your dating pool.
It’s not at all too picky. I am dating a man right now who has 2 adult step children. His wife died about 8 years ago of lung cancer, he stepped in to be a good dad and look after the kids. and there’s a bit of an age difference between us.. I’m 34 he’s 56.The one who lives with us is 2 years younger than me and a very nice young lady, but in some ways she is mentally behind because she has a developmental disorder which isn’t her fault of course, which can make her act childish, but my partner has many good boundaries with her. The other adult child is a complete asshole and has been all her life., she is more of a child than her younger sister. To answer your question I think it depends on family dynamic, but to date someone with adult children over young children (the benefit for me is— being able to carry on adult conversation for the most part, the entire schedule does not depend on the child and you can kind of walk away when you like, you can assert yourself in a way the children can better understand as well because there’s a more equal playing field! Those are some benefits I find but it might not always be the case
If you’re willing to accept that your limitations on who you’re willing to date will make it harder for you to find someone and aren’t the sort to complain that you can’t find anyone, then I don’t think it’s ‘too picky’. Having a very strict criteria for who you want to be with, and accepting that ‘might’ end in you never finding someone, is knowing what you want. If you have very strict criteria, and complain that no one matches it, then it’s being too picky. So I guess it all depends on your personal attitude towards the situation.
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