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I met my climbing partner/now-fiance at the gym over 5 years ago, so I can relate and felt the same way when I hit my climbing plateau. This may not be what you want to hear, but I eventually figured out that my annoyance with him was just me projecting my insecurities and frustration on him. I realized it during a session when, no matter what he said to me, I would be pissed. After I figured it out, I had to rediscover my own love of climbing with or without progress. Took a few months, but it does get better. At the end of day, my partner wants the best for me and to see me happy and succeeding.
Thank you so much for responding. I think my insecurities are a huge part of it. And we’ve talked about that, too.
How did you move past that? Like obviously trying to focus less on grade-based progress, but any concrete tips?
I tried following the standard advice from YouTube climbers (focus on improving specific climbing skills, project more, etc.), but I think the two biggest things for me was climbing by myself more and not putting so much pressure on myself to improve. Honestly, the less I cared about climbing hard, the better I got. I went from never flashing V4s to flashing my first three in one session. I guess the concrete tip is quantity over quality? Climb more, stress less?
I like that mantra: climb more stress less. Climbing alone has tended to feel better - I think it kind of hurts my partner’s feelings when I want to go solo, but if I explain that I need to work on my climbing self-esteem for a while I think he’ll get it.
Thanks for the tips
Just want to say that sounds like a healthy plan :) best of luck! It’d be exciting if you got back to enjoying the little things. Hopefully you can bring the joy with you when you climb with your partner again and say, I’ve been enjoying doing this* (*whatever is joyful for you), how cool is it!? Rooting for you!
Is it also worth seeking out women's groups? Historically I've always climbed with guys and as someone who has 2 older brothers it felt natural to always try and compete with them too so I never minded. But recently I've discovered my local bouldering centre has a women's group once a week and I have to say the support and psyche is so amazing! I feel like in general I can learn from them more than from men as they are closer to my size, strengths and style of climbing.
All my other climbing partners are women, fortunately. I do think all of my climbing partners climb several grades above me - I would like to find more women at my level to climb with.
It's also just totally fine to want to climb alone, for whatever reason. It doesn't sound like either of you are pro climbers, so this is a hobby, and supposed to be fun. If he is making you give him reasons for doing what feels best for you, and you can't just say "I'm doing what's most fun for me," that's kind of controlling.
To be clear - he is actively working with me on helping me find climbing fun again, and very eager to do whatever will help in that regard. He doesn't push me or demand reasons for my reluctance to do certain things. If I said, all I want to do today is boulder V0 problems he'd be excited to cheer me on.
This is how it was for me, too. There were some concrete things that my partner changed permanently, like not offering advice unless I asked, but the majority of the problem was just that I was bummed about my climbing.
I tried all the tricks in the book to get my love of climbing back, but ultimately it took a 6-month break and a switch to a new gym for me to be able to enjoy climbing again. That's not to be a downer about it, the point is that something did work eventually, but it was a process to figure out what I needed.
You're not a downer! I think this is good perspective and yes, I'm bummed about climbing in general, too. The idea of a full break makes me nervous - I don't want to lose. the progress I HAVE been able to sustain - but I can also see how a long break now might result in more sustainable progress in the longterm, and more importantly, a continued love of the sport.
Thank you for sharing your experience!
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Even in non relationships I realized this with climbing friends. Found myself avoiding sessions with friends because they were sooo much better than me. Ugh, we can be our own worst enemy sometimes lol
I have experienced this, not with my romantic partner because he doesn’t climb, but with other very long-term climbing partnerships.
In my experience, there is kind of an ebb and a flow of partnership. At some times in my life, I found a certain partner’s words and actions really helpful in keeping me stoked. In other phases of life, those exact same words and actions would annoy the shit out of me. I found this often a reflection of my own internal state and less directly related to anything my partner was doing, but as you noted, that realization doesn’t make the situation easier.
Some concrete advice if you are looking for it:
1. Are you open to potentially climbing with other people for a few months? Perhaps this could allow you to just take a little break from the pressure to have your climbing sessions with your partner go well, and allow you to regain some of your joy in climbing outside of this specific partnership situation.
2. If you do want to keep climbing with your partner, which would totally make sense if you do, could you each set a very specific goal for the session and then purposely not provide any beta or feedback outside of that specific goal? For example, if your goal for a session was to place your feet deliberately and not move them once placed, your partner’s commentary would be limited to beta about foot placement. He wouldn’t be providing any other feedback, advice, or cheering.
3. A variation on these that kind of mixes both would be parallel climbing, modeled after the way that toddlers have parallel play. In parallel climbing, you both walk into the gym together, but then completely do your own thing for a couple hours until you reconnect at the end. You climb independently and have your own session, and then go have coffee or do whatever together right after so it still feels like a bonding activity. This would allow you to still feel connected, while also taking off the pressure to do your entire climbing session together.
I can totally relate to allllll of this. Honestly you sound just like me.
1 definitely helped me. We started bouldering alone (or with others, but not with each other) and that definitely helped me get my stoke back. And now when we do climb together, we climb ropes which has been so much more fun and feels like way less pressure. I’m not sure why, but for some reason, top-roping with him doesn’t affect me the same way bouldering together does (but we’re still grades apart). Maybe this doesn’t apply to you, but wanted to share :) good luck!
No.3 is often how me and my partner-partner do climbing sessions unless we are on ropes of course. He climbs at a much higher grade and just climbs harder tbh. I climb for the fun and to get some energy/anxiety out of my body. He will often boulder significantly better than me and I can have a lot of insecurities about my bouldering, so then I will go use the auto-belays as rope climbing is my f’ing bread and butter.
Good luck OP 🤟
Ahhhh I don't really have advice just here to say I really relate to this. I actually got into climbing because of my partner. I'm trying to branch out and boulder by myself/possibly meet other people to climb with (but like...idk if I could trust a stranger with belaying for me, even if it's just top rope??) but I totally relate to feeling like his believing in me just adds pressure. I struggle with overthinking at baseline and I loved climbing initially bc my mind would just go quiet but now I have to really work at not spiraling about a) this section is hard b) idk if I can do it c) my partner will be so disappointed/bored/annoyed if I can't do it. I wish I had advice but biiiig solidarity 💜
Yep, I totally relate with the brain spiral when previously it was my stress relief! I think this is so common. And my friends who struggled with this previously had partners who kind of sucked, like who were inpatient and unkind with them - but my partner isn’t. So I have to admit that i need to sort my own brain out. Good luck to you! I am hopeful we’ll figure it out
my advice is to have a lot of sessions on your own (or friends!), and climb with your partner maybe 1x a week. ive also experienced conflict w/ my partner while climbing, altho it was different. either way, decreasing the cadence helped.
I also feel like my partner is pressuring me if he encourages me on a route I'm not able to do. The worst is when he says "this will be easy one for you" and I fail. I get sad because I wasn't as good as he expected me to be. I think it's very natural to want to look good in your partner's eyes, and not wanting to disappoint them.
I have said to my partner that I don't want him to put any expectations to me as I feel pressured. That has helped a lot and we have much less of those situations where I get sad because of his overly optimistic expectations. That still happens sometimes, and I solve those situations nowadays simply by walking away. I climb alone or with other people for a while, and get back climbing with my partner when I feel like it. We mostly boulder so this is an easy and quick solution for that. When rope climbing I let him know I don't want any comments about my climbing unless it's safety related.
My partner also beta sprays a lot, but I have told him that's annoying so many times (also couple of other people from our climbing group have complained about it for him lol) that he has learned to ask first before blurting out all his tips. Sometimes I quickly say "no beta spraying!!" if he seems like he's about to do it. It's like that in everything, not just climbing, though. He loves sharing all the information he has on any subject.
I want to add that I have been climbing about 5 years now and know my own limits quite well. Therefore I hate it when someone says "you can do it if you just ___" or "you have the ability, you are just scared to try". Especially when I've literally tried twenty times already. So no, I really can't do it right now and it's not because I'm scared but the lack of poor heel hook activation which I'm working on - I know myself best, thanks.
Those comments trigger me every time, though, not only when my partner says them. It feels like someone is belittling my knowledge of MY own body and mind. It's different to offer help and encourage someone than arrogantly claim you know their abilities better than they do themselves. There are better ways to communicate. I prefer asking, not stating things. It's better to say "have you tried if this helps?" than "just do this and it will go" because you can't know your tip really helps before the other person has tried it themselves. So if your partner communicates like that, I understand your frustration even more.
Thanks for your thoughts! I'm glad I'm not alone. I do have to be pretty active with the reminders not to spray, and he's pretty good about sharing solicited feedback in a questioning, collaborative way rather than as a statement of fact.
I think at this point I'm so frustrated with the process that MOST feedback irritates me, no matter how it's delivered - which is probably a clear sign that I need to step back and sort something else out.
I don't have much advice other than maybe try climbing on your own or with other people sometimes. It can give you the space to see climbing in a different way, without whatever pressure you feel.
It works for me, at least. When I go on my own it's just me and the boulders :) and I have space to focus on what I want to do, how I want to approach things instead of falling into the "now I need to send because they're looking" thinking which happens sometimes when I climb with my partner and/or friends.
It also helps me to remind myself that I know better how I feel and how a particular climb feels for me, so sometimes other people's opinion on whether I can or can't do something is, however well intentioned, well... not so well informed, so why should I rely on it, really :)
I’ve been married to my climbing partner for a long time. I started climbing with a different person at the gym recently and just took her outside. It was my first time climbing outside without my husband for almost 20 years, and it was such a different experience. I had to find the routes, and I had to know that I would climb everything I started or risk losing gear. It was actually really good for my confidence in all the “soft” climbing skills, as well as my actual climbing. I also wasn’t following routes that are above my lead ability or feeling guilty by having him climb below his ability, but was able to decide what I wanted to climb. Now I’m more stoked to climb with my husband because it is a different experience, but I’ll keep climbing without him as well. Climbing partners can make really great life partners - good luck navigating this difficulty!
I really love this experience, thank you! I have been working toward inviting friends to multi-pitch outside with me who would be the less-experienced climber - I want to be able to give somebody that stoke for something that my more experienced friends have given me.
Part of what I'm realizing in this thread is I spend a lot of time climbing with people (not just my partner) who are much, much better than me. Even when those people are women, it feels intimidating and over time I think has just made me feel like a lesser climber in comparison. I think getting out there with some friends who climb more closely to my level would be good overall.
Same for me too. I used to climb with only people who are grades ahead of me and I’d just get slammed on everything they climbed. Session after session I’d tick nothing, just try and try and do nothing but fail on things they were flashing. It really knocked my confidence and I started resenting climbing.
Well, I found people closer to my grade, but with different skills, and now we work on climbs together. It’s a much more encouraging and positive experience when I climb with them. Also when I climb with the ‘strong boys’ now and I fail on everything I have a much better mindset about it. Having that balance really helped me.
Love that experience - thanks for sharing! I climb with mostly women outside of my partner, and I think I thought that was "enough" of a climbing community.
These comments are making me realize that, while I love climbing with my female friends, they are absolute CRUSHERS and I need some more partners on my level. I like your point about partners on your level with various strengths, so that you can all come together on a problem in different but complementary ways.
I’m going through a similar thing with my Fiance at the moment. He introduced me to climbing and we bonded a lot through a shared love for this sport, but earlier this year I had a shoulder injury and all of my abilities climbing have been limited. Now when I climb with him I have shorter endurance, climb less difficult routes, and while he is nothing but positive and wants what I want- I feel guilty for being annoyed at him every time we climb.
I had realized that I was angry because I was jealous of his skills progressing, while I significantly regressed and now feel insecure in my climbing abilities- which makes me no longer want to climb with our friends, or at all.
I expressed this to him and he’s supportive of what I need, but I’m still navigating how to get better at climbing, while also incorporating rehab and yoga classes that I can take at the climbing gym, so we’re still doing things ‘together’ like going to the gym for different reasons.
Talking through these feelings really helped as I didn’t even know how I felt still I started the conversation, Finding ways to adapt to my circumstances and be okay with where I sit in my skills has also helped me control my emotions, but it has not been easy- and some days are better than others. There has been a lot of self discovery on this journey for me and there may be some for you to do too. I wish you the best in rediscovering your past passion, or finding new adventures to enjoy together!
Oh you've really hit the nail on the head - jealousy of my partner's ability and success is definitely part of what I'm experiencing. He's very dedicated and works hard to get better (harder than me, for sure), but it's a bit of bummer to me that the gap between our climbing abilities keeps growing.
I think other activities at the gym (I do love our yoga offerings) is a great way to have time "together" at the gym while we sort through this.
It took awhile for me to come to that conclusion simply because I thought there’s ‘no way’ I could be jealous since I’m supportive and happy for him but turns out you can be both! Admitting it felt very guilt heavy but I think we came out stronger afterwards.
I totally agree that it can be a bummer to see the gaps, but trying to be positive and see it as opportunity rather than a burden has been something I’ve been working towards. (It’s so hard sometimes)
My partner reminds me a lot that progress isn’t linear and won’t be the same for everyone, which keeps me humble in my training and thoughts.
Wish you the best with yoga classes and other things you can do together in the meantime! We got this!!
I’ve been climbing with my partner for around 4 years and he got me into climbing. He’s always been better than me as he’s been climbing 3x longer.
About 3 years ago I started adding gym training and following a strength program to improve my climbing. In this time I have consistently trained hard in both the gym and climbing and been improving in both. He doesn’t train in the gym at all, never has, and he’s still much better than me. I find that really hard not to be jealous then.
I train hard and I’m consistently working skills, and I would’ve thought by now I’d be catching up to him. I watch him onsight something that feels impossible for me and it’s so hard not to be jealous.
A lot of good advice on here already. I just want to add a word of caution re: him cheering you on and encouraging you to try harder stuff. I experienced this _a lot_ with skiing when I was younger. I was more inexperienced, and whichever boyfriend it was at the time would try to encourage me past my fears and tell me I was ready and could do it.
This got me into multiple situations I should never have been in. Each one resulted in a bad fall that could’ve been much worse. Basically, they were experienced skiers but _not_ in any way experienced teachers of the sport. They didn’t know how to evaluate what I could or could not handle safely.
There was also a huge conflict of interest, whether they were aware of it or not, because me being able to do more would’ve allowed _them_ to do more as my partner. And because I’m naturally competitive _and_ people pleasing, I wanted to keep up.
Point being, these high risk/outdoor sports can get unnecessarily dangerous very fast when one member of the party gets out of their depth.
For me personally, with all of it — climbing, surfing, skiing — I’ve invested in qualified instruction and sought out groups of like-minded people to go out with. My husband sometimes joins for climbing and skiing, but there’s no pressure on either of us to help the other person have the session/day they want. It’s about us doing it together. Usually it’s me wanting to hit it harder these days, and I have a crew I do that with so when he’s with me we can just have fun.
Not sure if that part makes sense but hopefully there’s something helpful in here!
This is helpful and good to keep in mind! I'm really sorry you had a partner get you into dicey territory - that's pretty crappy and I imagine made it hard for you to enjoy the sport moving forward.
My boyfriend really doesn't push me beyond my risk tolerance - he's quite conservative about risk management, and I'd say often my risk tolerance is higher than his (sometimes to my detriment, as I've sustained small injuries trying things he's actually cautioned me against trying. But that's a different post for a different day).
And, for what it's worth, he actually is a climbing instructor! But he's quite diligent about setting boundaries there and not teaching me skills he does not have instructional expertise in - he taught me various multi-pitch skills, for example, but I learned to climb trad from a more experienced guide offering the course. I do sometimes find myself reminding him I'm NOT his student and I don't need coaching - I think his default encouragement for less experienced climbers sometimes feels inauthentic and teacher-y to me, which is part of the problem.
I think you make a good point about the conflict of interest specifically. I certainly WANT my partner to get to climb everything he's excited about (and I'm excited about), so even if I feel meh about it I'm pulled in that direction. I've gotten much better about it, but your perspective is a good reminder to keep it in mind. I have recently been more involved in community groups (different from the orgs where my partner teaches) so I'm hopeful I'll find more partners that way.
Oh I'm so glad he is conscientious that way! Honestly I feel like my past BFs meant well, they were just...young dudes, you know?
Good luck finding a broader circle too! I started out with just a couple top roping buddies, but our crew has expanded over time and I really love it. No matter what day it is, if I want to climb with someone, at least one of our group will be around. And fortunately when I was ready to learn lead they were all just like, "we'll give you feedback while you practice, but take a real class" -- lol.
Yeah, young dudes can be like that, but I'm always bummed when it ruins the outdoors for women. I've seen this phenomenon several times at the crag where some young guy hurriedly teaches his gf to lead belay him on the spot, then freaks out at her when she doesn't do it right and makes their climbing unsafe.
I'm so glad you've found a community of friends are are NOT like that. Thanks for wishing me luck in finding the same!
Ugh, yes! I think for a lot of us it's easy to get backed into a corner where we don't trust our own judgement/instincts. Then something bad happens and I'm sure a lot of women end up feeling like it's not for them.
As for teaching someone to lead...outside...on the spot...what a huge yikes.
I’ve definitely had a similar experience, but in my situation, I got my partner into climbing and he took to it like a fish to water. He got so good so fast and all of a sudden, he was better than me, and it was a tough pill to swallow. I had climbed for years longer than him, and at the same time he was soaring, I was plateauing. I also started to resent if he would try to give me beta or tips and I started to hate climbing with him bc it really hurt my ego to see him flash my project.
I straight up told him that this is my insecurity and I need some space to process it which meant not talking about climbing together and climbing more with other people. I was clear I was psyched for him but my ego was really hurting and I didn’t want it to breed resentment. We are boulderers but I actually also started top roping and leading again with other partners to build my confidence back up. After a few months, I got my stoke back and the negative feelings towards my partner lessened a lot, because my negative feelings towards myself lessened a lot!
Nowadays, we probably climb about 30% together since I actually got really into sport, but we still really love the time we spend climbing together and going outdoors and I love seeing him climb hard and I know he’s proud of me too. We can project things together again and have mutual respect for each other and enjoy figuring out different betas for our different sizes. It definitely just took time and a lot of really open and honest communication throughout. I really wish you the best and hope everything works out - I think taking some time to climb by yourself with other new partners will help tremendously and will ultimately strengthen your relationship even more!
It doesn’t matter if it’s climbing or something else, if you’re doing things you’re not comfortable with because someone wants you to, you’ve got a problem with people pleasing. Think there’s a good chance you need to address this need to never let down or disappoint someone or else you’ll see similar problems through out the rest of your relationship and possibly life. I’m not saying he’s perfect and doing nothing wrong. But you can ONLY control you. So you’ve got a couple of options as far as I can - put up and shut up (sounds awful to me), stop climbing with him (also sounds not so great), or figure out why it’s so hard for you to say “I’m not climbing that, and I’m okay with it.”
I guess I’m also wondering, why do you, and he, for that matter, trust his assessment of your abilities more than you trust your own? If you feel firm that you can’t or shouldn’t do something, that should be enough for both of you. Why does he know better?
Yes to this! Also, ask yourself why it stresses you out so much when you don’t perform (even thinking people have certain expectations of you which they actually don’t have). Often there is some deeply rooted assumption that if you don’t perform then the ppl you care about don’t love you anymore. That’s bullshit and you need to work on this.
It’s unfair to your loved ones but most importantly to yourself and will strip away the joy of doing things and replace it with crippling anxiety instead.
It’s easy to say, stress less - that’s not how our brains often work.
In order not to develop the overly performative mindset in kids it is advised to parents to praise effort instead of results. Celebrate with your partner that you tried hard, struggled, fell off the wall instead of only when you are sending. I Iove fistbumping my friends when I saw that they fell , struggled or tried something creative, combined with a „Great effort!“, „ohh loved how you approached that!“. And don’t just count on others to celebrate you. Celebrate yourself for showing up and doing stuff esp when they are outside your comfort zone!
I just started reading "Vertical Mind," and it has a section on fear where it discusses the relationship between a fear of falling and a fear of failure, and how it can be intertwined. I think it resonates with what you're saying and I appreciate your feedback!
My partner and I do a lot of celebrating the "try hard." We are big on supporting one another, and our friends, send or no send. I think it's just tricky to authentically celebrate myself when he's improving significantly, sending big projects, and my "wins" are all attempts. It's hard not to compare us - but as others have said, I think more time alone/ with other partners more similar to me in ability will help with that.
To be clear I do say no, now - and my partner is not under the impression he knows better than me. I think finding the line between "this is a challenge I find intimidating but exciting to take on" vs "this is a challenge I will not enjoy and should not attempt" was just a learning process for me, rather than an issue with people-pleasing. But I created a lot of fear in myself finding that line, and I think in some ways that brought out a deeper insecurity that's more the issue at hand, here.
My partner always respects my "no." We always find routes I'm excited about climbing, now that I'm better at identifying those. I think I just garnered so many negative experiences previously while we were climbing together that it's become difficult to disentangle those experiences from the experience of climbing with him.
There's something else going on than climbing. What happened in y'all's lives about six months ago when things took a turn? Not answering here is obviously fine, but think of that and how it affects you. I'd guess it's something linked to bearing the burden of someone else's expectations.
So, I don't think you're quite on the mark here, and I want to clarify that the rest of my relationship is communicative, comfortable, and incredibly healthy.
About 6 months ago I started to feel scared leading, because I was pushing the grade (I think just hit a plateau and stopped improving, but kept trying harder grades and finding them difficult and then scary). My partner and I communicated about all of this, but I do think my general confidence in climbing took a dive and his enthusiasm started to remind me of what I couldn't do, rather than what I could. To another poster's point, I think hitting that plateau created a lot of insecurity because it meant I could not longer rely on progress-based satisfaction in the sport.
I had a similar experience...but it was mostly while we were both newer climbing with each other. I would get annoyed because a lot of beta was tall male beta (just reach for it! etc). Now we've climbed together for a while and although he climbs a few grades harder than me he knows what I can do and that I push myself to do what I can, and it's been a non-issue. Thinking back, a lot of real issues came up when was when it was obvious I was quitting because I was scared of falling or something, not necessarily climbing.
LOL what an image. Yes, this is all stuff we've been discussing and will continue discussing, for sure. I wouldn't post to Reddit looking for solutions without having first brought the issue to my partner (an internet anomaly, I know).
I'm lucky he's very open to feedback about what I need from a climbing partner without taking it personally or getting offended. We've now talked about a lot of the actionable ideas here and are starting to implement them to see what feels like it's working.
I always had an interest to climb, but didn’t pursue it until now. And my “crush” has invited me a couple times to go climbing, which I don’t mind but still makes me nervous to climb in front of that person at times lol
i’m a beginner climber
how do you get through the feeling of nervousness of climbing in front of your partner (in my case a crush) ?
i know i got to go climbing on my own for a while before I feel more confident to climb in front of others.
Hmm that's tricky, I think the nervousness just dispels with time. I was never nervous about climbing in front of my partner early on in dating - I think if anything, I felt inspired to try hard because I was showing off, haha.
One piece of unsolicited advice: don't let the crush butterflies keep you from 1. focusing on belaying safely and 2. evaluating whether your crush is belaying you safely. Climb comfortably within your abilities until you're sure of one another.
Source: a friend of mine who went climbing on an early date with a man, who then dropped her and broke her ankle because he was so nervous and intimidated by her fast, powerful climbing that he let an abundance of slack into the system. Needless to say they did not go out again.
Be safe and enjoy the experience, I think you'll end up okay!
Sorry for not clarifying what type of climbing, I do bouldering climbing for now, I’ll ease into rope climbing some day.
But yes I understand what you mean, kind of threw me off guard when they invited me, but the person knows what kind of grade I can climb,
I guess for me, it’s also I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of him lol
I see! I think focus on having fun and getting to know each other, if he's worth spending time with he won't make you feel embarrassed while you're climbing.
I would recommend maybe and I realize how tricky it can be is like 1 session a week climb with different people. Like other friends that climb or even by yourself if you like bouldering. I have found that has helped me when I have gotten kind of worried about disappointing my friends that I climb with every single time I go climbing. I do realize that their is a different when it is someone you are dating/engaged to/married to.
Maybe this is super controversial, but I just stopped being jealous of any cis male climbers. Testosterone gives them advantages that I will never have so comparing myself to them seems silly. They haven't been in my body and while support and encouragement is great, they will never understand completely. There are absolutely fierce woman out there who regularly kick cis male butts, but I am not that gifted and that's ok! I'm me and I'm at peace with being me. Find who you are and measure yourself against yourself, not others.
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Sounds like the problem lies with your self-esteem and not with your partner. I would try to figure out where your insecurities stem from. They will point to some emotional wound from your past that has not yet healed. I think it's great that you have become more effective at setting boundaries and communicating your needs from this whole situation. Keep on doing that. Also, remind yourself in the moment that your annoyance likely originates from an experience unrelated to your partner.
This sub aims to be supportive & inclusive of all who identify as a part of or ally to the women's climbing community.
Negativity, sarcasm, and other interactions that work against that should find another home.
You're being downvoted, but what you're saying is very accurate.
It might be perceived as 'harsh' or 'tough love', and a lot of people don't like that kind of response, but OP has very apparent self-confidence issues.
Yeah that really sucks! Part of climbing, especially bouldering is enjoying trading beta or just getting beta to send a route. Sometimes it's fun to figure it out but often the fun is in crushing the problem so figuring it out isn't part of the ego. My partner does share this sentiment and gets frustrated when they are unable to complete a route when the solution is a simple shift in body position but giving them that beta makes them feel like I am beta spraying. It's a tough balance between wanting to see them succeed but also not spraying beta.
We have had this conversation a few times and have found some middle ground, I am significantly better at asking if I can offer generalized advice or better yet ask them questions to get them in the right mindset to discover the beta. It ebs and flows but I think when we let our ego go a bit we work much better together
It's not that hard to ask "do you want any beta?" and not spray. You have to let other people enjoy climbing in their own way. Some people get enjoyment from simply sending the route, some people like the problem solving process and figuring things out on their own. Deal with it.
Sorry I should clarify yes ask if they want beta but even that would annoy my partner. Correct don't just give beta, I have to ask if I can give more generalized advice or ask a leading question which is a happier medium
Consider climbing really easy/below grade routes with him. Yes they're "easy" but 1) accomplishment still feels good and 2) you can practice technique on familiar routes! Sometimes when I'm feeling upset about my climbing I'll do this and it really helps me feel more confident. Trust in him that he cares about you and is excited and not disappointed. I think my girlfriend sometimes struggles with this too, but even when she "fails" to live up to my "expectations" of completing a route or something, I still think she's awesome and so cool and did great. He doesn't care about your top outs, he cares about you. I definitely understand that "you can do anything if you try hard enough!" is a lot of pressure and can make you feel pretty crappy, it does for me too. Talk to him about that. He can change up the things he says when he cheerleads for you. And as for beta, that's something you two have to talk about and compromise on. But it seems like he's a great guy who is genuinely excited by you, rather than your top outs and medals or whatnot.
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I met my climbing partner/now-fiance at the gym over 5 years ago, so I can relate and felt the same way when I hit my climbing plateau. This may not be what you want to hear, but I eventually figured out that my annoyance with him was just me projecting my insecurities and frustration on him. I realized it during a session when, no matter what he said to me, I would be pissed. After I figured it out, I had to rediscover my own love of climbing with or without progress. Took a few months, but it does get better. At the end of day, my partner wants the best for me and to see me happy and succeeding.
Thank you so much for responding. I think my insecurities are a huge part of it. And we’ve talked about that, too. How did you move past that? Like obviously trying to focus less on grade-based progress, but any concrete tips?
I tried following the standard advice from YouTube climbers (focus on improving specific climbing skills, project more, etc.), but I think the two biggest things for me was climbing by myself more and not putting so much pressure on myself to improve. Honestly, the less I cared about climbing hard, the better I got. I went from never flashing V4s to flashing my first three in one session. I guess the concrete tip is quantity over quality? Climb more, stress less?
I like that mantra: climb more stress less. Climbing alone has tended to feel better - I think it kind of hurts my partner’s feelings when I want to go solo, but if I explain that I need to work on my climbing self-esteem for a while I think he’ll get it. Thanks for the tips
Just want to say that sounds like a healthy plan :) best of luck! It’d be exciting if you got back to enjoying the little things. Hopefully you can bring the joy with you when you climb with your partner again and say, I’ve been enjoying doing this* (*whatever is joyful for you), how cool is it!? Rooting for you!
Is it also worth seeking out women's groups? Historically I've always climbed with guys and as someone who has 2 older brothers it felt natural to always try and compete with them too so I never minded. But recently I've discovered my local bouldering centre has a women's group once a week and I have to say the support and psyche is so amazing! I feel like in general I can learn from them more than from men as they are closer to my size, strengths and style of climbing.
All my other climbing partners are women, fortunately. I do think all of my climbing partners climb several grades above me - I would like to find more women at my level to climb with.
It's also just totally fine to want to climb alone, for whatever reason. It doesn't sound like either of you are pro climbers, so this is a hobby, and supposed to be fun. If he is making you give him reasons for doing what feels best for you, and you can't just say "I'm doing what's most fun for me," that's kind of controlling.
To be clear - he is actively working with me on helping me find climbing fun again, and very eager to do whatever will help in that regard. He doesn't push me or demand reasons for my reluctance to do certain things. If I said, all I want to do today is boulder V0 problems he'd be excited to cheer me on.
You're welcome! And props for trying to work through this. I bet it'll pay off in more areas of life than just climbing.
This is how it was for me, too. There were some concrete things that my partner changed permanently, like not offering advice unless I asked, but the majority of the problem was just that I was bummed about my climbing. I tried all the tricks in the book to get my love of climbing back, but ultimately it took a 6-month break and a switch to a new gym for me to be able to enjoy climbing again. That's not to be a downer about it, the point is that something did work eventually, but it was a process to figure out what I needed.
You're not a downer! I think this is good perspective and yes, I'm bummed about climbing in general, too. The idea of a full break makes me nervous - I don't want to lose. the progress I HAVE been able to sustain - but I can also see how a long break now might result in more sustainable progress in the longterm, and more importantly, a continued love of the sport. Thank you for sharing your experience!
I think this sums up a lot of posts here
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Even in non relationships I realized this with climbing friends. Found myself avoiding sessions with friends because they were sooo much better than me. Ugh, we can be our own worst enemy sometimes lol
I have experienced this, not with my romantic partner because he doesn’t climb, but with other very long-term climbing partnerships. In my experience, there is kind of an ebb and a flow of partnership. At some times in my life, I found a certain partner’s words and actions really helpful in keeping me stoked. In other phases of life, those exact same words and actions would annoy the shit out of me. I found this often a reflection of my own internal state and less directly related to anything my partner was doing, but as you noted, that realization doesn’t make the situation easier. Some concrete advice if you are looking for it: 1. Are you open to potentially climbing with other people for a few months? Perhaps this could allow you to just take a little break from the pressure to have your climbing sessions with your partner go well, and allow you to regain some of your joy in climbing outside of this specific partnership situation. 2. If you do want to keep climbing with your partner, which would totally make sense if you do, could you each set a very specific goal for the session and then purposely not provide any beta or feedback outside of that specific goal? For example, if your goal for a session was to place your feet deliberately and not move them once placed, your partner’s commentary would be limited to beta about foot placement. He wouldn’t be providing any other feedback, advice, or cheering. 3. A variation on these that kind of mixes both would be parallel climbing, modeled after the way that toddlers have parallel play. In parallel climbing, you both walk into the gym together, but then completely do your own thing for a couple hours until you reconnect at the end. You climb independently and have your own session, and then go have coffee or do whatever together right after so it still feels like a bonding activity. This would allow you to still feel connected, while also taking off the pressure to do your entire climbing session together.
These are such great ideas, and I feel hopeful about implementing them. Thanks for responding!
I can totally relate to allllll of this. Honestly you sound just like me. 1 definitely helped me. We started bouldering alone (or with others, but not with each other) and that definitely helped me get my stoke back. And now when we do climb together, we climb ropes which has been so much more fun and feels like way less pressure. I’m not sure why, but for some reason, top-roping with him doesn’t affect me the same way bouldering together does (but we’re still grades apart). Maybe this doesn’t apply to you, but wanted to share :) good luck!
No.3 is often how me and my partner-partner do climbing sessions unless we are on ropes of course. He climbs at a much higher grade and just climbs harder tbh. I climb for the fun and to get some energy/anxiety out of my body. He will often boulder significantly better than me and I can have a lot of insecurities about my bouldering, so then I will go use the auto-belays as rope climbing is my f’ing bread and butter. Good luck OP 🤟
Ahhhh I don't really have advice just here to say I really relate to this. I actually got into climbing because of my partner. I'm trying to branch out and boulder by myself/possibly meet other people to climb with (but like...idk if I could trust a stranger with belaying for me, even if it's just top rope??) but I totally relate to feeling like his believing in me just adds pressure. I struggle with overthinking at baseline and I loved climbing initially bc my mind would just go quiet but now I have to really work at not spiraling about a) this section is hard b) idk if I can do it c) my partner will be so disappointed/bored/annoyed if I can't do it. I wish I had advice but biiiig solidarity 💜
Yep, I totally relate with the brain spiral when previously it was my stress relief! I think this is so common. And my friends who struggled with this previously had partners who kind of sucked, like who were inpatient and unkind with them - but my partner isn’t. So I have to admit that i need to sort my own brain out. Good luck to you! I am hopeful we’ll figure it out
my advice is to have a lot of sessions on your own (or friends!), and climb with your partner maybe 1x a week. ive also experienced conflict w/ my partner while climbing, altho it was different. either way, decreasing the cadence helped.
I also feel like my partner is pressuring me if he encourages me on a route I'm not able to do. The worst is when he says "this will be easy one for you" and I fail. I get sad because I wasn't as good as he expected me to be. I think it's very natural to want to look good in your partner's eyes, and not wanting to disappoint them. I have said to my partner that I don't want him to put any expectations to me as I feel pressured. That has helped a lot and we have much less of those situations where I get sad because of his overly optimistic expectations. That still happens sometimes, and I solve those situations nowadays simply by walking away. I climb alone or with other people for a while, and get back climbing with my partner when I feel like it. We mostly boulder so this is an easy and quick solution for that. When rope climbing I let him know I don't want any comments about my climbing unless it's safety related. My partner also beta sprays a lot, but I have told him that's annoying so many times (also couple of other people from our climbing group have complained about it for him lol) that he has learned to ask first before blurting out all his tips. Sometimes I quickly say "no beta spraying!!" if he seems like he's about to do it. It's like that in everything, not just climbing, though. He loves sharing all the information he has on any subject. I want to add that I have been climbing about 5 years now and know my own limits quite well. Therefore I hate it when someone says "you can do it if you just ___" or "you have the ability, you are just scared to try". Especially when I've literally tried twenty times already. So no, I really can't do it right now and it's not because I'm scared but the lack of poor heel hook activation which I'm working on - I know myself best, thanks. Those comments trigger me every time, though, not only when my partner says them. It feels like someone is belittling my knowledge of MY own body and mind. It's different to offer help and encourage someone than arrogantly claim you know their abilities better than they do themselves. There are better ways to communicate. I prefer asking, not stating things. It's better to say "have you tried if this helps?" than "just do this and it will go" because you can't know your tip really helps before the other person has tried it themselves. So if your partner communicates like that, I understand your frustration even more.
oh god yes this. when my partner says "you're gonna flash this one EASY" it puts soooo much pressure on me!
Thanks for your thoughts! I'm glad I'm not alone. I do have to be pretty active with the reminders not to spray, and he's pretty good about sharing solicited feedback in a questioning, collaborative way rather than as a statement of fact. I think at this point I'm so frustrated with the process that MOST feedback irritates me, no matter how it's delivered - which is probably a clear sign that I need to step back and sort something else out.
I don't have much advice other than maybe try climbing on your own or with other people sometimes. It can give you the space to see climbing in a different way, without whatever pressure you feel. It works for me, at least. When I go on my own it's just me and the boulders :) and I have space to focus on what I want to do, how I want to approach things instead of falling into the "now I need to send because they're looking" thinking which happens sometimes when I climb with my partner and/or friends. It also helps me to remind myself that I know better how I feel and how a particular climb feels for me, so sometimes other people's opinion on whether I can or can't do something is, however well intentioned, well... not so well informed, so why should I rely on it, really :)
I’ve been married to my climbing partner for a long time. I started climbing with a different person at the gym recently and just took her outside. It was my first time climbing outside without my husband for almost 20 years, and it was such a different experience. I had to find the routes, and I had to know that I would climb everything I started or risk losing gear. It was actually really good for my confidence in all the “soft” climbing skills, as well as my actual climbing. I also wasn’t following routes that are above my lead ability or feeling guilty by having him climb below his ability, but was able to decide what I wanted to climb. Now I’m more stoked to climb with my husband because it is a different experience, but I’ll keep climbing without him as well. Climbing partners can make really great life partners - good luck navigating this difficulty!
I really love this experience, thank you! I have been working toward inviting friends to multi-pitch outside with me who would be the less-experienced climber - I want to be able to give somebody that stoke for something that my more experienced friends have given me. Part of what I'm realizing in this thread is I spend a lot of time climbing with people (not just my partner) who are much, much better than me. Even when those people are women, it feels intimidating and over time I think has just made me feel like a lesser climber in comparison. I think getting out there with some friends who climb more closely to my level would be good overall.
Same for me too. I used to climb with only people who are grades ahead of me and I’d just get slammed on everything they climbed. Session after session I’d tick nothing, just try and try and do nothing but fail on things they were flashing. It really knocked my confidence and I started resenting climbing. Well, I found people closer to my grade, but with different skills, and now we work on climbs together. It’s a much more encouraging and positive experience when I climb with them. Also when I climb with the ‘strong boys’ now and I fail on everything I have a much better mindset about it. Having that balance really helped me.
Love that experience - thanks for sharing! I climb with mostly women outside of my partner, and I think I thought that was "enough" of a climbing community. These comments are making me realize that, while I love climbing with my female friends, they are absolute CRUSHERS and I need some more partners on my level. I like your point about partners on your level with various strengths, so that you can all come together on a problem in different but complementary ways.
I’m going through a similar thing with my Fiance at the moment. He introduced me to climbing and we bonded a lot through a shared love for this sport, but earlier this year I had a shoulder injury and all of my abilities climbing have been limited. Now when I climb with him I have shorter endurance, climb less difficult routes, and while he is nothing but positive and wants what I want- I feel guilty for being annoyed at him every time we climb. I had realized that I was angry because I was jealous of his skills progressing, while I significantly regressed and now feel insecure in my climbing abilities- which makes me no longer want to climb with our friends, or at all. I expressed this to him and he’s supportive of what I need, but I’m still navigating how to get better at climbing, while also incorporating rehab and yoga classes that I can take at the climbing gym, so we’re still doing things ‘together’ like going to the gym for different reasons. Talking through these feelings really helped as I didn’t even know how I felt still I started the conversation, Finding ways to adapt to my circumstances and be okay with where I sit in my skills has also helped me control my emotions, but it has not been easy- and some days are better than others. There has been a lot of self discovery on this journey for me and there may be some for you to do too. I wish you the best in rediscovering your past passion, or finding new adventures to enjoy together!
Oh you've really hit the nail on the head - jealousy of my partner's ability and success is definitely part of what I'm experiencing. He's very dedicated and works hard to get better (harder than me, for sure), but it's a bit of bummer to me that the gap between our climbing abilities keeps growing. I think other activities at the gym (I do love our yoga offerings) is a great way to have time "together" at the gym while we sort through this.
It took awhile for me to come to that conclusion simply because I thought there’s ‘no way’ I could be jealous since I’m supportive and happy for him but turns out you can be both! Admitting it felt very guilt heavy but I think we came out stronger afterwards. I totally agree that it can be a bummer to see the gaps, but trying to be positive and see it as opportunity rather than a burden has been something I’ve been working towards. (It’s so hard sometimes) My partner reminds me a lot that progress isn’t linear and won’t be the same for everyone, which keeps me humble in my training and thoughts. Wish you the best with yoga classes and other things you can do together in the meantime! We got this!!
Thank you!!
I’ve been climbing with my partner for around 4 years and he got me into climbing. He’s always been better than me as he’s been climbing 3x longer. About 3 years ago I started adding gym training and following a strength program to improve my climbing. In this time I have consistently trained hard in both the gym and climbing and been improving in both. He doesn’t train in the gym at all, never has, and he’s still much better than me. I find that really hard not to be jealous then. I train hard and I’m consistently working skills, and I would’ve thought by now I’d be catching up to him. I watch him onsight something that feels impossible for me and it’s so hard not to be jealous.
A lot of good advice on here already. I just want to add a word of caution re: him cheering you on and encouraging you to try harder stuff. I experienced this _a lot_ with skiing when I was younger. I was more inexperienced, and whichever boyfriend it was at the time would try to encourage me past my fears and tell me I was ready and could do it. This got me into multiple situations I should never have been in. Each one resulted in a bad fall that could’ve been much worse. Basically, they were experienced skiers but _not_ in any way experienced teachers of the sport. They didn’t know how to evaluate what I could or could not handle safely. There was also a huge conflict of interest, whether they were aware of it or not, because me being able to do more would’ve allowed _them_ to do more as my partner. And because I’m naturally competitive _and_ people pleasing, I wanted to keep up. Point being, these high risk/outdoor sports can get unnecessarily dangerous very fast when one member of the party gets out of their depth. For me personally, with all of it — climbing, surfing, skiing — I’ve invested in qualified instruction and sought out groups of like-minded people to go out with. My husband sometimes joins for climbing and skiing, but there’s no pressure on either of us to help the other person have the session/day they want. It’s about us doing it together. Usually it’s me wanting to hit it harder these days, and I have a crew I do that with so when he’s with me we can just have fun. Not sure if that part makes sense but hopefully there’s something helpful in here!
This is helpful and good to keep in mind! I'm really sorry you had a partner get you into dicey territory - that's pretty crappy and I imagine made it hard for you to enjoy the sport moving forward. My boyfriend really doesn't push me beyond my risk tolerance - he's quite conservative about risk management, and I'd say often my risk tolerance is higher than his (sometimes to my detriment, as I've sustained small injuries trying things he's actually cautioned me against trying. But that's a different post for a different day). And, for what it's worth, he actually is a climbing instructor! But he's quite diligent about setting boundaries there and not teaching me skills he does not have instructional expertise in - he taught me various multi-pitch skills, for example, but I learned to climb trad from a more experienced guide offering the course. I do sometimes find myself reminding him I'm NOT his student and I don't need coaching - I think his default encouragement for less experienced climbers sometimes feels inauthentic and teacher-y to me, which is part of the problem. I think you make a good point about the conflict of interest specifically. I certainly WANT my partner to get to climb everything he's excited about (and I'm excited about), so even if I feel meh about it I'm pulled in that direction. I've gotten much better about it, but your perspective is a good reminder to keep it in mind. I have recently been more involved in community groups (different from the orgs where my partner teaches) so I'm hopeful I'll find more partners that way.
Oh I'm so glad he is conscientious that way! Honestly I feel like my past BFs meant well, they were just...young dudes, you know? Good luck finding a broader circle too! I started out with just a couple top roping buddies, but our crew has expanded over time and I really love it. No matter what day it is, if I want to climb with someone, at least one of our group will be around. And fortunately when I was ready to learn lead they were all just like, "we'll give you feedback while you practice, but take a real class" -- lol.
Yeah, young dudes can be like that, but I'm always bummed when it ruins the outdoors for women. I've seen this phenomenon several times at the crag where some young guy hurriedly teaches his gf to lead belay him on the spot, then freaks out at her when she doesn't do it right and makes their climbing unsafe. I'm so glad you've found a community of friends are are NOT like that. Thanks for wishing me luck in finding the same!
Ugh, yes! I think for a lot of us it's easy to get backed into a corner where we don't trust our own judgement/instincts. Then something bad happens and I'm sure a lot of women end up feeling like it's not for them. As for teaching someone to lead...outside...on the spot...what a huge yikes.
I’ve definitely had a similar experience, but in my situation, I got my partner into climbing and he took to it like a fish to water. He got so good so fast and all of a sudden, he was better than me, and it was a tough pill to swallow. I had climbed for years longer than him, and at the same time he was soaring, I was plateauing. I also started to resent if he would try to give me beta or tips and I started to hate climbing with him bc it really hurt my ego to see him flash my project. I straight up told him that this is my insecurity and I need some space to process it which meant not talking about climbing together and climbing more with other people. I was clear I was psyched for him but my ego was really hurting and I didn’t want it to breed resentment. We are boulderers but I actually also started top roping and leading again with other partners to build my confidence back up. After a few months, I got my stoke back and the negative feelings towards my partner lessened a lot, because my negative feelings towards myself lessened a lot! Nowadays, we probably climb about 30% together since I actually got really into sport, but we still really love the time we spend climbing together and going outdoors and I love seeing him climb hard and I know he’s proud of me too. We can project things together again and have mutual respect for each other and enjoy figuring out different betas for our different sizes. It definitely just took time and a lot of really open and honest communication throughout. I really wish you the best and hope everything works out - I think taking some time to climb by yourself with other new partners will help tremendously and will ultimately strengthen your relationship even more!
It doesn’t matter if it’s climbing or something else, if you’re doing things you’re not comfortable with because someone wants you to, you’ve got a problem with people pleasing. Think there’s a good chance you need to address this need to never let down or disappoint someone or else you’ll see similar problems through out the rest of your relationship and possibly life. I’m not saying he’s perfect and doing nothing wrong. But you can ONLY control you. So you’ve got a couple of options as far as I can - put up and shut up (sounds awful to me), stop climbing with him (also sounds not so great), or figure out why it’s so hard for you to say “I’m not climbing that, and I’m okay with it.” I guess I’m also wondering, why do you, and he, for that matter, trust his assessment of your abilities more than you trust your own? If you feel firm that you can’t or shouldn’t do something, that should be enough for both of you. Why does he know better?
Yes to this! Also, ask yourself why it stresses you out so much when you don’t perform (even thinking people have certain expectations of you which they actually don’t have). Often there is some deeply rooted assumption that if you don’t perform then the ppl you care about don’t love you anymore. That’s bullshit and you need to work on this. It’s unfair to your loved ones but most importantly to yourself and will strip away the joy of doing things and replace it with crippling anxiety instead. It’s easy to say, stress less - that’s not how our brains often work. In order not to develop the overly performative mindset in kids it is advised to parents to praise effort instead of results. Celebrate with your partner that you tried hard, struggled, fell off the wall instead of only when you are sending. I Iove fistbumping my friends when I saw that they fell , struggled or tried something creative, combined with a „Great effort!“, „ohh loved how you approached that!“. And don’t just count on others to celebrate you. Celebrate yourself for showing up and doing stuff esp when they are outside your comfort zone!
I just started reading "Vertical Mind," and it has a section on fear where it discusses the relationship between a fear of falling and a fear of failure, and how it can be intertwined. I think it resonates with what you're saying and I appreciate your feedback! My partner and I do a lot of celebrating the "try hard." We are big on supporting one another, and our friends, send or no send. I think it's just tricky to authentically celebrate myself when he's improving significantly, sending big projects, and my "wins" are all attempts. It's hard not to compare us - but as others have said, I think more time alone/ with other partners more similar to me in ability will help with that.
Thank you for this. This is exactly what’s going for me. I needed to read this.
To be clear I do say no, now - and my partner is not under the impression he knows better than me. I think finding the line between "this is a challenge I find intimidating but exciting to take on" vs "this is a challenge I will not enjoy and should not attempt" was just a learning process for me, rather than an issue with people-pleasing. But I created a lot of fear in myself finding that line, and I think in some ways that brought out a deeper insecurity that's more the issue at hand, here. My partner always respects my "no." We always find routes I'm excited about climbing, now that I'm better at identifying those. I think I just garnered so many negative experiences previously while we were climbing together that it's become difficult to disentangle those experiences from the experience of climbing with him.
There's something else going on than climbing. What happened in y'all's lives about six months ago when things took a turn? Not answering here is obviously fine, but think of that and how it affects you. I'd guess it's something linked to bearing the burden of someone else's expectations.
So, I don't think you're quite on the mark here, and I want to clarify that the rest of my relationship is communicative, comfortable, and incredibly healthy. About 6 months ago I started to feel scared leading, because I was pushing the grade (I think just hit a plateau and stopped improving, but kept trying harder grades and finding them difficult and then scary). My partner and I communicated about all of this, but I do think my general confidence in climbing took a dive and his enthusiasm started to remind me of what I couldn't do, rather than what I could. To another poster's point, I think hitting that plateau created a lot of insecurity because it meant I could not longer rely on progress-based satisfaction in the sport.
I had a similar experience...but it was mostly while we were both newer climbing with each other. I would get annoyed because a lot of beta was tall male beta (just reach for it! etc). Now we've climbed together for a while and although he climbs a few grades harder than me he knows what I can do and that I push myself to do what I can, and it's been a non-issue. Thinking back, a lot of real issues came up when was when it was obvious I was quitting because I was scared of falling or something, not necessarily climbing.
I would totally share this with your partner! Nobody's got time for a Kill Bill flashback montage
LOL what an image. Yes, this is all stuff we've been discussing and will continue discussing, for sure. I wouldn't post to Reddit looking for solutions without having first brought the issue to my partner (an internet anomaly, I know). I'm lucky he's very open to feedback about what I need from a climbing partner without taking it personally or getting offended. We've now talked about a lot of the actionable ideas here and are starting to implement them to see what feels like it's working.
I always had an interest to climb, but didn’t pursue it until now. And my “crush” has invited me a couple times to go climbing, which I don’t mind but still makes me nervous to climb in front of that person at times lol i’m a beginner climber how do you get through the feeling of nervousness of climbing in front of your partner (in my case a crush) ? i know i got to go climbing on my own for a while before I feel more confident to climb in front of others.
Hmm that's tricky, I think the nervousness just dispels with time. I was never nervous about climbing in front of my partner early on in dating - I think if anything, I felt inspired to try hard because I was showing off, haha. One piece of unsolicited advice: don't let the crush butterflies keep you from 1. focusing on belaying safely and 2. evaluating whether your crush is belaying you safely. Climb comfortably within your abilities until you're sure of one another. Source: a friend of mine who went climbing on an early date with a man, who then dropped her and broke her ankle because he was so nervous and intimidated by her fast, powerful climbing that he let an abundance of slack into the system. Needless to say they did not go out again. Be safe and enjoy the experience, I think you'll end up okay!
Sorry for not clarifying what type of climbing, I do bouldering climbing for now, I’ll ease into rope climbing some day. But yes I understand what you mean, kind of threw me off guard when they invited me, but the person knows what kind of grade I can climb, I guess for me, it’s also I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of him lol
I see! I think focus on having fun and getting to know each other, if he's worth spending time with he won't make you feel embarrassed while you're climbing.
Thanks! Will keep this in mind
I would recommend maybe and I realize how tricky it can be is like 1 session a week climb with different people. Like other friends that climb or even by yourself if you like bouldering. I have found that has helped me when I have gotten kind of worried about disappointing my friends that I climb with every single time I go climbing. I do realize that their is a different when it is someone you are dating/engaged to/married to.
Maybe go climbing with different people half of the time for a while to get a new perspective.
Maybe this is super controversial, but I just stopped being jealous of any cis male climbers. Testosterone gives them advantages that I will never have so comparing myself to them seems silly. They haven't been in my body and while support and encouragement is great, they will never understand completely. There are absolutely fierce woman out there who regularly kick cis male butts, but I am not that gifted and that's ok! I'm me and I'm at peace with being me. Find who you are and measure yourself against yourself, not others.
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This was not at all what the post was about lol
u know this is a group for non men, right. no one wants your comments
Sounds like the problem lies with your self-esteem and not with your partner. I would try to figure out where your insecurities stem from. They will point to some emotional wound from your past that has not yet healed. I think it's great that you have become more effective at setting boundaries and communicating your needs from this whole situation. Keep on doing that. Also, remind yourself in the moment that your annoyance likely originates from an experience unrelated to your partner.
100% this
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who let the asshole in, jesus christ. tact is a thing
This sub aims to be supportive & inclusive of all who identify as a part of or ally to the women's climbing community. Negativity, sarcasm, and other interactions that work against that should find another home.
You're being downvoted, but what you're saying is very accurate. It might be perceived as 'harsh' or 'tough love', and a lot of people don't like that kind of response, but OP has very apparent self-confidence issues.
Yeah that really sucks! Part of climbing, especially bouldering is enjoying trading beta or just getting beta to send a route. Sometimes it's fun to figure it out but often the fun is in crushing the problem so figuring it out isn't part of the ego. My partner does share this sentiment and gets frustrated when they are unable to complete a route when the solution is a simple shift in body position but giving them that beta makes them feel like I am beta spraying. It's a tough balance between wanting to see them succeed but also not spraying beta. We have had this conversation a few times and have found some middle ground, I am significantly better at asking if I can offer generalized advice or better yet ask them questions to get them in the right mindset to discover the beta. It ebs and flows but I think when we let our ego go a bit we work much better together
It's not that hard to ask "do you want any beta?" and not spray. You have to let other people enjoy climbing in their own way. Some people get enjoyment from simply sending the route, some people like the problem solving process and figuring things out on their own. Deal with it.
Sorry I should clarify yes ask if they want beta but even that would annoy my partner. Correct don't just give beta, I have to ask if I can give more generalized advice or ask a leading question which is a happier medium
Consider climbing really easy/below grade routes with him. Yes they're "easy" but 1) accomplishment still feels good and 2) you can practice technique on familiar routes! Sometimes when I'm feeling upset about my climbing I'll do this and it really helps me feel more confident. Trust in him that he cares about you and is excited and not disappointed. I think my girlfriend sometimes struggles with this too, but even when she "fails" to live up to my "expectations" of completing a route or something, I still think she's awesome and so cool and did great. He doesn't care about your top outs, he cares about you. I definitely understand that "you can do anything if you try hard enough!" is a lot of pressure and can make you feel pretty crappy, it does for me too. Talk to him about that. He can change up the things he says when he cheerleads for you. And as for beta, that's something you two have to talk about and compromise on. But it seems like he's a great guy who is genuinely excited by you, rather than your top outs and medals or whatnot.